Out of the Storm

Treatment & Self-Help => Self-Help & Recovery => General Discussion => Topic started by: thetruth on November 26, 2018, 05:17:14 PM

Title: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on November 26, 2018, 05:17:14 PM
Hi,

I would like some feedback please before I decide how best to address my situation regarding what I consider to be an appallingly ineffective private psychiatric assessment back in June.

The main points to recount are that I went to the assessment less than adequately prepared to substantiate my claim that my symptoms and history pointed to Cptsd. The psychiatrist was very quick to poo poo my claim and he stated that Cptsd was not really likely as it is considered to be a condition that stems from abusive and traumatic childhoods. So he ruled out Cptsd because he said it could only be a product of a traumatic childhood. He did this twice during the assessment.

He filled the hour up with asking questions about me and my family and my life which were not pertinent to the issue I was bringing to him.

I might add that my condition was worsened by an indifferent NHS doctor who refused to say my stress was work related and in doing so he helped facilitate a deeply unfair dismissal from my job. When we touched on this subject, rather than explore it thoroughly, the psychiatrist, who is himself an NHS doctor began to to ask me if I believed in conspiracy theories and did I believe that the world was a fair place or did I believe that everything was connected to each other.

This man performed the assessment in a non exploratory way and an avoiding way- avoiding what mattered.

He concluded by saying that I had been troubled for long enough by these distressing thoughts of injustice and asked me would it not be better if I could get rid of them so that my quality of life would improve? All lovely and simple and easy! He didnt care for my talk of Cptsd. So he said that he was going to suggest to my doctor that I go on a course of anti-psychotic medication, something that I knew I would not even consider doing as his assessment had been such an offensive farce.

I paid £250 out of my own pocket for this assessment because I has asked for it and I hadnt the nerve to refuse to pay, nor had I the steadiness of mind to know I was being robbed. I went home and I never heard from either him or my GP.

I feel I should write to him and tell him I want a free assessment as his first one was a joke and he botched it from the outset by saying Cptsd wasnt possible because I wasnt bringing him an account of a traumatic childhood.

What do other site users think about this? Oh, my symptoms continue to make my life not a life anyone should have to live. Only on here have I any interaction with other humans who can relate to this taboo existence I am 'indulging'.

Thank you.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Rainagain on November 27, 2018, 02:04:42 AM
Did you actually get anything like an assessment? Any written report?

I'm not sure why antipsychotic s are prescribed, was he thinking schizophrenia or something?

Sounds confusing, was he saying that drugs can take away the distressing thoughts?

I'm sorry you had this poor experience.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on November 27, 2018, 10:45:20 AM
Hi Rainagain,

No he didn't suggest I was schizophrenic. He delved into my past and identified some history of depression, well, he already knew it was there from reading my notes. Coming out of prolonged depressions in the past, going well back in time to 1999 and 2006, I have had 2 experiences of hypomania. These were see-saw type reactions to having endured prolonged depression. In 2008 I suggested to a psychiatrist that I might be bipolar? She said no, you are most certainly not bipolar and your hypomania is a common enough result of coming out of long term depression. I couldnt agree more with her. It is the truth. I am not bipolar and I know I am not.

However, jump to 2018 and a private psychiatric assessment asked for by myself because I am living the life wrecking symptoms of Complex PTSD, and I find a private psychiatrist who is also an NHS psychiatrist telling me that I am on the bipolar spectrum and that is the reason that I cant process and leave behind these troubling thoughts about a former employer after 5 years out of the job. He did this without scratching the surface of the nature of what I am experiencing and what has been done to me and as I said above, when we got near the betrayal by my own trusted NHS GP who wouldnt say my stress was caused at work, he began to quiz me on whether I believed in conspiracy theories.

His conclusion was that I was wrong that I was experiencing CPTSD, I was to some degree bipolar, this was the reason that I couldnt cope with the injustices I had been met with and that antipsychotic medication would help me forget my troubles and give me a better quality of life. Im sorry but this is an absolute disgace. It is nonsense.

In a nutshell, the injury to me in 2013 by my life long trusted NHS GP was massive. It compounded the injury of 4.5 years of health removing harassment like a knife through my heart. This is what is so inconvenient about my case.

My employer seized on the fact that I had current and historic issues with depression in a disgusting strategy to deflect attention from the extent of his mistreatment of me. My own trusted GP played along and facilitated his lie because he knew him and the the last thing on earth he was going to do was enter any kind of conflict with him. Now that I am permanently damaged and I cannot find my sense of self or self worth as a result of their actions, I have a private psychiatrist who will not even explore my grievances thoroughly and honestly because an NHS GP played a massive role in the damage caused to my mind.

When trying to embarrass me into denying that I thought there had been discussion between my employer and my GP before my redundancy, this psychiatrist asked me did I ever have thoughts like my employer and GP had discussed me in secret? I said I know they discussed me because in my desperation for a solution to the stress that I was enduring I gave my employer and GP permission to discuss me. They discussed me over the phone  as many times as my employer wanted to. The psychiatrist hadn't been made aware of this fact because my old GP has only made one tiny reference (which could very easily be overlooked) to this in his medical notes and my new GP has very scant knowledge of everything that went on.

There was a short silence and then he completely changed the subject. So he wasn't interested in exploring the nitty gritty details pertinent to why my mind and my life is in the state of disrepair it is in.

It was by this permitted communication that I reckon my employer secured reassurance that my GP would not stand in the way of my removal from my job. I believe this because 1. I had made my GP fully aware of my difficulty with this employer several times over the previous 3 years and his refusal to acknowledge that my stress was caused at work was inconceivable, and 2. The extent of the lying by my employer within the redundancy process was so brazen that they must have had some prior reassurance that I would be fighting them single-handed.

My damage is too inconvenient, and paradoxically that is why its so damaging. No one wants to hear it. So it cant be validated. It is all mine to endure and the longer it lasts, the easier it is to just classify me as a basket case who mysteriously holds on to some historic grievance about a low grade job he once had.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on November 27, 2018, 11:34:54 AM
Quote from: Rainagain on November 27, 2018, 02:04:42 AM
Did you actually get anything like an assessment? Any written report?

I'm not sure why antipsychotic s are prescribed, was he thinking schizophrenia or something?

Sounds confusing, was he saying that drugs can take away the distressing thoughts?

I'm sorry you had this poor experience.

I have seen nothing yet.

Oh yes, he was saying I have been troubled for long enough by these difficult thoughts about the past and antipsychotic medication would help me to live a better quality of life with less difficulty from these thoughts from my past. That was his conclusion, and he did not need to see me again. Hand shake, nice to meet you , All the Best. £250 please.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on November 27, 2018, 04:37:46 PM
As far as I can see, GPs and psychiatrists have massive professional license to hear what they want to hear and to disregard what they would rather not hear. It comes down to what is less inconveniencing for them in a legal sense. The actual truth is of little importance when a patients health is on the line and there are legal implications. They have an awful lot of leeway to abuse their positions to adapt the facts to their liking. The pressure is then on the patient to fight back and they might not be in a position to, and they know it.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Rainagain on November 29, 2018, 01:56:32 AM
The big difference in the opinions of the two experts is just impossible to digest.

What are you supposed to do now? Get another 6 opinions and try to average them out?

That can't be a thing.

A lot of these diagnoses all have the same treatment, i.e. talking therapy and the same narrow range of meds, maybe a diagnosis doesn't change much.

Mine didn't make any real difference.

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder as I'd had more than two episodes of depression in life so far.

Sounds like you have too.

But the treatment for that is the same as other things I have also been diagnosed with (anxiety, depression, reactive depression, disthymia, PTSD, cptsd)

So, maybe that's how it is, ask two experts and get more than two opinions?

Everything I have been diagnosed with seem to be related, all in the same area on the DSM iv I'd guess.

And on different days I probably am in a different condition so I might fit different categories depending on how I am doing.

There were symptoms 'left over' too, stuff that belonged with yet more diagnoses but weren't exactly right to win any more diagnostic prizes, or whatever.

And some stuff was apparently more brain tumour or narcolepsy type indicators rather than mental health, I'm still waiting for assessment of those.

If I kept getting assessed I'm sure I'd get some extra illnesses added to my list.

But your bipolar/not bipolar is a proper puzzle.

Maybe think about meds and therapy? A bit like antibiotics work on most bacterial infections so you don't need to know exactly which one is involved?

I'd avoid venlafaxine though, nasty stuff I found.

I thought the complex in complex PTSD meant the trauma was complex, it seems to mean the symptoms are complex as well.

Or maybe people are complex, so they can show their damage in lots of ways.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Libby183 on November 29, 2018, 09:32:44 AM
I am so sorry that you are suffering so much. Your ruminations over your abuse at work and at the hands of the medical profession are utterly valid and understandable. I want you to know that I validate you 100%.

In exactly the same way, I suspect, I have ruminated excessively over my parents abuse. I cannot and will not forgive them. However, what has helped me very much is letting go of the belief that anyone else can help me.

At my husband's suggestion, we looked into seeing a private psychiatrist, as I have never seen anyone other than GPs. I didn't bother because I would have needed a referral from my GP. I couldn't see, therefore, that an assessment would be unbiased.

We looked at on line psychiatrists, but when I asked if any were trauma informed, we were told that any would do. I felt that this said it all. They are all just part of the same system.

So I made an informed decision that no doctor or psychiatrist could or would help me. I told my parents, over the phone, that I hated them. Something I had never done before. Their response confirmed to me that, for me, they are indeed abusive. I have left behind my guilt about them.

The abuse of children by parents, abuse of patients by doctors and the health service as a whole, abuse of employees by bosses is rife. It's like I have accepted this at last, and have accepted why I am who I am. It has been very freeing and at long last I am living on my own terms. I wouldn't say I am deliriously happy but I am better than I have ever been.

CPTSD is the best fit for me, and I suspect, for you. I know now that I don't need a diagnosis as such, because, after all, these things are just the opinions of people I don't really trust and who I don't believe have my best interests at heart. Just as my parents didn't.

I don't know if this is of any help, but I wanted to tell you my most recent story, in the hope that something might just click for you, like it did with me.

I would like to add that my last experience with medication also played a part in my progress. It was a horrible experience but it led me, indirectly, to where I am now. If you are interested, I would be happy to share.

I feel for you so much, and want to show my support for you.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Rainagain on November 29, 2018, 10:15:57 AM
That's a beautiful post Libby.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on November 29, 2018, 11:23:46 AM
Morning, Libby and Rainagain and thank you both for your posts. This just a short acknowledgement as I am going to justify my existence today with a bit more oil painting practice. This is a good thing.

Libby you are hitting many nails on the head. Im not for a moment trying to suggest my trauma equates with yours but it appears the damage caused is of a similar nature. We are both managing the psychological consequences of stress and betrayal. Despite the differences in the nature of our hardships we can well relate on the psychological effects being dealt with now. Cptsd most closely resembles what I am living by a million miles. I had the light bulb moments when I discovered it and when I read Pete Walker.

You are right about the therapeutic properties of accepting that no help is available or forthcoming from those who traditionally should be providing it. I was only able to overcome an absolutely horrendous 2.5 month flashback (worst one yet) in the spring after the galling experience of sitting across the table from a private psychiatrist and watching him avoid the damaging truth of my situation. I listened to the most disgusting, flimsy, embarrassing misrepresentation of reality coming out of his mouth and all generated by his need to avoid exploration of the historic criminal practice of another NHS GP. His assessment was in part based on my doctors notes. My doctors notes are designed to mislead. I have them. They are an utter disgrace.

After this I realised that it would be easier to win the lottery than have these people hear the truth and accept what it has done to me. So I was somehow, quite remarkably, then able to end that particular flashback and throw myself into some work projects. This worked for a while then the season changed into Autumn and the thoughts got the upper hand again.

Thanks so much for both of your posts. It is all fantastic stuff!!

Later. I will get back to you later Rainagain.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on November 29, 2018, 05:16:01 PM
Hi Rainagain,

There is no puzzle re bipolar/not bipolar. I am not bipolar. I am a person who has experienced fully explainable hypomanias which only happened because of the duration of the depressions which I had just negotiated. I would never have experienced hypomania without the preceeding prolonged depression. Neither were my depressions mysterious or unexplainable. Emotional and physical abuse by parents during childhood and adolescence made sure I thought I was a useless piece of crap for long enough to produce clinical depression.

There is no debate to be had on this. The suggestion that I am to some degree bipolar by this psychiatrist serves to illustrate one point and one point only. The fact that my GP chose not to explore the abuse I had experienced in the workplace, and the fact that he refused to say my stress was caused in the workplace is too inconvenient for the psychiatrist to accept. He cannot be seen to support my claim that I was further injured by the decision making of an NHS GP. By this stage I am not remotely surprised by his appalling course of action.

The  true nature of the stress I was caused in work was denied by the bully, then it was denied by the GP and now 5 years later, it is simply too much for the psychiatrist to do anything other than deny its validity too. The psychiatrist needs me to go away and be quiet, the same as my GP needed me to do that and the abusive employer before that. He will say anything to have me just go away and desist from this inconvenient story of abuse and betrayal by one of his colleagues.

There is no mystery here whatsoever. I will say it again, the damage that was caused to my mind is too inconvenient for these people in a legal sense. That, alas is of little help to me. They can all imagine it away as long as I shut up. They are not the ones managing the symptoms day and daily. I dont have the luxury of pretending I am just a silly, deluded nuisance.

There is nothing impossible to digest about the disparity of the 2 diagnoses. One of them was made at the correct time when it was well informed and fully impartial. The other one is a desperate attempt to avoid the truth of the present day by using historical information. I sat and watched this man orchestrate an assessment in which his main priority was to refuse the validity of the words coming out of my mouth. That says it all.


Having said all of that, I am currently enjoying a bit of respite from the deeply complex pain that has visited me again recently. Long may it last. I am really enjoying some music at the moment. That is a pretty remarkable breakthrough!

Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on November 30, 2018, 05:50:03 PM
"At my husband's suggestion, we looked into seeing a private psychiatrist, as I have never seen anyone other than GPs. I didn't bother because I would have needed a referral from my GP. I couldn't see, therefore, that an assessment would be unbiased."

Hi Libby,

Thanks again for your post, as Rainagain says, it is really thoughtful and insightful.

I wonder what you mean about the difficulty of receiving unbiased healthcare because your GP would have had to make the referral for a private psychiatric assessment, when your GP wasn't directly involved in your traumatising?

This strikes a deep chord with me because I do not know to what degree the psychiatrist that I attended and paid money to was informed (or misinformed) about me by my GP's practice before I spoke to him. The nature of the  assessment would suggest to me that he was somewhat prepared for me and that he was not an impartial listener.

In my naivety, I thought I could get an unbiased ear to hear my case if I paid a private psychiatrist. I rang one up. I was very surprised to hear a referral had to be made by my GP's practice for this to happen. I wanted them to have nothing to do with it as they have been a source of trauma and they have ridiculed my struggle ever since. One of the receptionists has laughed down the phone at me when I was in a state of distress. So I well understand your sentiment about the difficulty of getting non-biased private care.

Thanks again for your fantastic post.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Libby183 on November 30, 2018, 08:48:05 PM
Hi,

Thanks so much for your reply and your interest.

I felt that the issue with my gp practice was that, after twenty years of mental health issues, they do not take me seriously. I have asked to be referred to a psychiatrist, but all have refused this. They tell me that they are perfectly capable of treating me. If I attend with something physical, which is rare, I am told it is related to my MH problems, and if I attend with MH issues, they tell me that there is little wrong with me. I actually rarely go to the doctors. I find them utterly patronising. I feel sure they have me pegged as borderline PD, and shut me down instantly. I have never been difficult - they never listen. I think they would either refuse a referral of tell the private psychiatrist what my issue is. As they are all linked to the NHS, I believe, like you, that they stick together. I have never even managed to mention my childhood /CPTSD. I think, as well, that my experience of childbirth, having premature, special needs twins, and the awful treatment we all received, is another layer of my trauma. Again, they don't want to acknowledge any of this.

I have a psychology degree, I trained and worked as a nurse, my daughter is a neuroscience PhD student and I have read widely, but they are determined to maintain that I have no idea what I am talking about. I suppose they view this as my conspiracy theory, but I simply don't trust any of them.

Sorry to have waffled on. I just wanted to expand on why I too have a very poor opinion of the medical profession, in general. I can notice and appreciate when people are positive, despite finding it very hard to trust. I have rarely seen anything worthy of trust in these people.

All the best to you.  I was really interested in your mention of painting, which sounds great. Creativity is so good. I paint, but only walls and furniture, and I make clothes!

Take care.

Libby.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on November 30, 2018, 10:41:49 PM
Libby,

We are having exactly the same experience with our NHS health centres. As I said, I have been laughed at down the phone by one particularly frosty woman who answers the phone. It is because they have categorised me (with the help of my life long GP) as a lunatic and a nuisance, that my desire for support against health crushing workplace harassment was denied. I was spoken to by my GP as if I was not a person he had to take seriously and when I could not shake the effects of the trauma even years later, he got angry with me and asked me if I was going to move on or what? And this after he had point blank refused to be informed of the nature of the harassment that I endured for 4.5 years.

He assisted my employer in an unfair dismissal of me. This is not exaggeration in any way. After I was made redundant because he refused to say my stress was work related, he told me "its my job to get you well!" This particular chestnut was said by him to cut short and deflect my very first attempt to explain to him the wrongness of his refusal to say the stress I was suffering from was caused at work by unfair treatment, a decision which paved the way for a disgustingly unfair dismissal that he knew was going to happen.  He decided the stress of my harassment was just mental illness and unrelated to my job, and that meant he could just speak to me as if I was his ill patient that needed meds and my redundancy was in no way related to him. The fact is, my redundancy was fully facilitated by him. He was fully complicit in my unfair dismissal. I had given my employer permission to talk to him on the phone and between them, my removal from my job was decided upon.

That woman who laughed down the phone to me when I asked are there any other doctors available (my own one was off), I have noticed that when she answers the phone to me now, as soon as I identify myself, she asks me to hold on a second and the phone goes dead. She is deciding what to do. She is deciding what to tell me. Funnily enough, my doctor always seems to be off and rather than pass on a message, she tells me to ring back on friday when my doctor is back in. This way I might not bother.

Like you I am not being taken seriously, my old GP steadfastly refused to reconsider his position on my harassment. He withheld support when I needed it so he had to stick to his guns and that meant denying the validity of my grievance, denying that 4.5 years of harassment happened. On one occasion when I was trying, in vain, to reason with him, he said- "well I have no axe to grind with them". That was his position on my being driven to the brink of my sanity by the most abusive boss you could imagine.

Painting might just get me out of this mental prison. It certainly wont do any harm. Ive already identified thoughts of authenticity about myself since I started a bit of painting. I havent had such thoughts in years. I might just have discovered some form of emotional salvation/healing.

Maybe with our similar life stories it is no coincidence that we are both creative? I feel better already for having taken up the paint brush again!

Sorry for going over my situation in so much detail again, I cant seem to help it. I think I need to go over and over it because of the scale of the deceit that was carried out to misrepresent facts in order to have me cast aside.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Libby183 on December 02, 2018, 06:14:41 AM
Don't apologise for going over your story again. It's what we all do. The trauma is so deep that it can't just be switched off.

I think that the way we have been treated by the so-called helping professions is atrocious. It is an abuse of power, as you discussed in your employment thread. It seems so convenient for them to say that a person probably has a personality disorder, so they don't deserve any treatment.  They are unwilling, it seems, to accept that these problems are the result of trauma, because if they did accept this, then they would have to help, and that would be too difficult. Really, the only thing I ever asked for was validation of my suffering. It would have been so simple and so cheap. But no. The system denies the abuse, says  I am too sensitive and then wants to medicate me to get rid of me. I don't expect to recover, I just wanted to be listened to and understood. Nothing more complicated than that.

I am very grateful for the EMDR therapy which I had earlier this year. It really helped rid me of the awful physical pain I had suffered for years. But the insistence of the therapist that I should forgive my parents,  which I tried but failed at, meant that I lost trust in her. I suspect that is recorded as my sabotage of therapy, not her failure to help me move on. I asked how to forgive and was told to write a letter and burn it. I wanted it to work, but it didn't.

Being too sensitive shouldn't be such a handicap, should it?  When my children were young, and I was still in contact with my parents, my mother often encouraged and invited me to emotionally abuse them. I started to fall into her trap and she loved it. But I couldn't bear to see the pain in my daughter's eyes. Too sensitive, I suppose. If I had gone ahead and placed all blame and guilt onto my children, I may well have felt better and it would have improved my relationship with my mother. But for some reason, I didn't. And I really believe that society does not approve of my choice. I suppose this is my pet conspiracy theory, but it feels very real to me.

In each of our cases, it seems we have suffered for causing trouble within the system.  You, in the workplace, me, within the family. How dare we!

I don't know if this makes sense to you, but it's good to share stories and ideas.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 03, 2018, 08:20:40 PM
Like you Libby, all I asked my doctor to do was to validate the stress I had been put through for years. I told him that I was being lined up for a very unfair dismissal if he didnt. His reply was, "I cant put that (on your sick line) just because you say it. Im sorry".

He refused to say the reason I needed a week off was due to work related stress. 2 weeks later I was unfairly dismissed.

Im afraid I cannot help but think that your therapist didnt have sufficient comprehension of trauma if she couldnt consider the possibility that forgiveness might not be possible. She may have personally had to employ forgiveness for certain things in her own life but that doesnt mean she can impose a no exception rule on mandatory forgiveness on you or anyone else. I have not forgiven, not genuinely. I have said the words and attempted to do it for my own sanity but it hasnt been authentic.

I have not forgiven and no one can tell me to. It cant be forced, whether anyone likes it or not.

Youve made me remember an occasion when I was confiding in someone I know, re my difficulties 5 years after redundancy. After I had given a description of the injustice I experienced, and explained the psychological injury as best I could, he suggested that rather than continuing to hate my old boss, I should maybe try forgiveness. I think he really began to get a sense of the whole thing when I told him that my old boss has had more forgiveness from me than from any other person alive and that it hadnt made me one iota less angry or less injured.

Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Rainagain on December 03, 2018, 11:35:19 PM
Instead of forgiveness could you think of it like being bitten by a snake?

You need to heal the bite and try to avoid getting bitten again.

The snake doesn't need your forgiveness, its just being what it is, anger is an OK response in some ways but isn't going to change the snake.

The snake doesn't think, it just bites.

I've spent years trying to work out what exactly happened to me, I'm much better informed now but I'm beginning to think so what? Why have I spent so much time trying to understand my snakes? They are just doing what they do, no other explanation required.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: milk on December 04, 2018, 03:06:15 AM
Quote from: Rainagain on December 03, 2018, 11:35:19 PM
Instead of forgiveness could you think of it like being bitten by a snake?

You need to heal the bite and try to avoid getting bitten again.

The snake doesn't need your forgiveness, its just being what it is, anger is an OK response in some ways but isn't going to change the snake.

The snake doesn't think, it just bites.

I've spent years trying to work out what exactly happened to me, I'm much better informed now but I'm beginning to think so what? Why have I spent so much time trying to understand my snakes? They are just doing what they do, no other explanation required.

I am echoing Rainagain —- another term to describe this, is crazy-making. Name it, tame it, claim it —- I skimmed through the posts and this is what I see on the healthy end, from you, and others here. The painting and music are healing for you (this is how you claim your side of this madness), keep at it —- your good intentions will attract the right people to be with. Take care and sending positive thoughts your  way.



Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Libby183 on December 04, 2018, 09:01:56 AM
This has been such a helpful thread for me. It is so relevant to where I am in my life.

I agree with you, the truth, that forgiveness is not the key. My therapist was always telling me how she forgave people, including a very long story about a boundary dispute with a neighbour. But I wonder what that forgiveness really looked like, because in later sessions she mentioned how much she disliked him, but was able to avoid him now he was old and senile. I have no need to forgive my parents, especially as they believe that they were the most perfect of parents. If they asked for forgiveness and accepted that they had damaged me, even unwittingly, I would forgive them but I would not want any relationship with them.

What I have done, is accept and pity them. They were doing what worked for them. Beating me, to relieve her anger, worked for my mother. Shaming and belittling me worked for both of my weak, low self esteem parents. As they said, this is what people do. So you are right, Rain again, there is no point fighting against it. I think the snake analogy is excellent.  It does, however, leave me very wary of people, in general, but I have accepted this, as well. In the past, if someone was unpleasant, unfriendly, whatever, I would try so hard to win them over. Repeating my childhood, over and over. Now, I don't try. I appreciate nice interactions but otherwise, leave people to themselves. What a breakthrough. So much less stress. This especially applies to my in laws, who are somewhat dysfunctional and not especially interested or caring.

I feel so much more hopeful about life at the moment and I am so thankful that I have had this opportunity to talk about these issues. It has really helped me and I hope this applies to you, as well.



Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 04, 2018, 11:39:06 AM
Thank you all for the posts. I made reference to this a couple of days back in a larger post but I want to make it more clearly here.

I want to extend huge gratitude to Kizzie for having the foresight, the composure and the compassion to create this forum. It is a God-send. It is a mine of insight, support and healing. I cant thank you enough Kizzie. You have put people in touch with the people they need to be in touch with.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Rainagain on December 04, 2018, 12:14:21 PM
We are all here to work on our own recoveries, that is right and proper.

But I am concerned that it is sort of easier to get wrapped up in blaming the snakes that bit us and not to seek recovery.

Forgiveness isn't necessary to understand what happened, to protect yourself better from now on and to seek to have a fulfilling life from now on.

Even if the whole world understands and comes to hate your specific snakes as much as you do it doesn't alter the pain of the bite, and it doesn't take away personal responsibility for aiming at recovery.

I am thinking of my last words on my deathbed, do I want those words to be ' I hate snakes they ruined my life' or 'snakes bite and it hurts really bad, but I chose not to let them ruin my whole life'.

There is a choice to be made, the harder choice is the better one, which is a shame but seems to often be true in life.

That's one of the things I appreciate with this forum, we have either already made the hard choice or are seeking enough encouragement to make the hard choice.

Personally, I joined this forum not knowing what had happened to me at all, I think I've learned enough here to see the choices and I have chosen the right one, its a pity its so tough, but oh well, challenge accepted.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 04, 2018, 10:15:40 PM
Hi Rainagain,

This might be like going over old ground.  All the same, I need to go over it as it is still a live problem- it isnt over. Today I occupied myself by cutting up fallen tree branches with a chainsaw.

I was acutely aware of how I could not think about anything other than the unfairness of my past (as usual). Even though I was busy for several hours, my mind seems to be fully preoccupied with the injustices I faced. The thinking generally takes the form of me designing sentences to communicate to my doctor the unfairness of his practice in relation to me.

This is energy demanding. It is actually still a form of stress. 

How do I get my mind to think about something else? Surely you have your own preoccupations too?

This is still the last thing I think about at night and the first thing I think about in the morning, without exception. I think I might have to accept that this is going to be my reality for the rest of my life.

(Yes I am definitely going over old ground. Just recently we talked about the being stuck syndrome. )

In this video from youtube Jordan Peterson makes reference to this kind of preoccupation at 18.22. Im sure you have watched this video before. I cannot think about anything other than the abuse of power that I faced, I think I am more hurt by the betrayal by my doctor because he knew better and I trusted him. You see it is easy for me to view my employer as a snake- he was protecting himself from prosecution. But for a man of integrity to assist a workplace bully and to carry out defamatory misrepresentation of the truth in order to avoid personal inconvenience, I am not coping with that. This is the bit I cannot swallow.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PaJ5tMoilvM

Right now I feel that my best hope for a better quality of life, and progression towards some type of recovery lies in frequent physical exercise. Is that what you mean by deciding to recover? Forcing yourself into healing action, or potentially healing action? The whole thing is sometimes very tiring.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Rainagain on December 05, 2018, 12:23:51 AM
Hi

That is a great Jordan P clip right there.

I didn't know you are still in the middle of things, I thought your employment issues were 5 Years ago.

Mine ended 2 years ago but I've managed to keep it alive and damaging myself  through the court case, I do wonder if that idea came from a healthy place, possibly not.

I've been ruminating obsessively over what happened, just as described in the clip.

Maybe its part of recovery if it leads to an understanding.

I think that might be true.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 05, 2018, 01:13:58 AM
Quote from: Libby183 on December 04, 2018, 09:01:56 AM


In the past, if someone was unpleasant, unfriendly, whatever, I would try so hard to win them over. Repeating my childhood, over and over. Now, I don't try. I appreciate nice interactions but otherwise, leave people to themselves. What a breakthrough. So much less stress. This especially applies to my in laws, who are somewhat dysfunctional and not especially interested or caring.

I feel so much more hopeful about life at the moment and I am so thankful that I have had this opportunity to talk about these issues. It has really helped me and I hope this applies to you, as well.

Hi Libby,

It sounds like you had a horrific childhood at the hands of two people who maybe were not parent material.... not 'good enough' parents, as Pete Walker would suggest?

Im sorry you have been afflicted the way you are. I'm also sorry that you are coming up against the same inadequacy in the health service.

I wonder was I doing the same thing as you describe when I tried so hard to gain the approval of my abusive boss? I too was convinced I was unacceptable by my own parents- its the very reason I have always struggled so much with self acceptance. I had a great aptitude for the work I was doing under this particular boss. Everyone could see how well I was doing it. The boss insisted on finding faults though- so I bust a gut to achieve perfection, to try to get his approval. I now know that wasnt possible.

I had felt so unacceptable all my life thanks to my parents, that when I finally found something that I did extraordinarily well, it was precious to me. I just wanted basic approval for my efforts but my boss was threatened by my competence and he made my life *.

Trying to get approval in life has been a costly business. Had it been delivered correctly by the people who were supposed to do it for us at the start, our lives would have been very different. We would not have been so desperate for it from the wrong sources.

Lets try to work on inner approval? They say it is the only type that really matters.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 05, 2018, 11:43:28 AM
Quote from: milk on December 04, 2018, 03:06:15 AM
Quote from: Rainagain on December 03, 2018, 11:35:19 PM
Instead of forgiveness could you think of it like being bitten by a snake?

You need to heal the bite and try to avoid getting bitten again.

The snake doesn't need your forgiveness, its just being what it is, anger is an OK response in some ways but isn't going to change the snake.

The snake doesn't think, it just bites.

I've spent years trying to work out what exactly happened to me, I'm much better informed now but I'm beginning to think so what? Why have I spent so much time trying to understand my snakes? They are just doing what they do, no other explanation required.

I am echoing Rainagain —- another term to describe this, is crazy-making. Name it, tame it, claim it —- I read through the posts and this is what I see on the healthy end, from you, and others here. The painting and music are healing for you (this is how you claim your side of this madness), keep at it —- your good intentions will attract the right people to be with. Take care and sending positive thoughts your  way.

Hi Milk,

Thanks for the positive encouragement. I finished a painting last night. It isnt a masterpiece but its a stepping stone. Each one is. My brother is a professional artist and he says all I have to do to become good, is do 100s of paintings. He is right. Other artists on youtube say a similar thing- when you are watching a proficient artist work their magic, you are oblivious to all the failed attempts and countless hours of work that they have done to get to where they are.

I am really taking on board Rainagain's advice here about making a decision to recover. When I first read it I read it from a defeated viewpoint which was- 'I have already made the decision countless times and I have still been reduced to pain due to various triggering experiences.'

However, now that I have had a little more time to think about it, I believe Rainagain has thought this through well and has drawn good conclusions. The point being, it doesnt really matter that the decision to recover might have to be made many times, as long as it isnt dropped as a consequence of retriggering experiences.

The snakes that bit me dont give a toss if I struggle for the rest of my days. It would give weight to their lies if I just self destructed and lived a pathetic or tragic existence.

I must make it my decision and my focus to take the best care of myself so that my recovery to a place of emotional well being can happen as quickly as possible. Ive already cut out smoking and drinking but those are only foundations I feel. Now I must do my brain a big favour and get an exercise habit.

I found this youtube video useful. The woman says exercise can regenerate the hippocampus. The way I see it, my brain has been adversely affected for much of the past 20 years by 3 things- stress, alcohol and tobacco use. I know my brain is not as healthy as it would have been if there hadnt been so much stress, alcohol and tobacco use.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHY0FxzoKZE

Right now I have to be aware of this so that I can arrest damage to my brain and focus on taking better care of it. I am looking into better diet, more exercise and I simply must practice meditation.

This is my new decision to recover. This is another attempt to introduce 'inputs' to break the downward cycle of the negative rumination loop as discussed by Rainagain in this thread.

I am very clear on one thing- if I drink alcohol I am choosing to be retriggered. I simply cannot go there. I tried it again a few weeks ago after 10 weeks dry. I was badly retriggered. I am now over 3 weeks dry again.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 05, 2018, 12:07:00 PM
.........I have just been able to put into words, in the most accurate way yet, the nature of the difficulty I was subjected to in my place of work. I have recorded it in my phone as a text to myself. I will share it later. It is remarkable how these experiences can be so complex and challenging to convey, that it can take 5 years of attempting to describe them before you get anywhere close to a true appraisal of what actually happened.

In the past 5 years I have poured thousands of paragraphs into my phone as texts to myself, to reduce the stress in my head. I have just discovered a true description of what happened to me. In a nutshell, it was 'ME V lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies'
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 05, 2018, 04:44:55 PM
Quote from: Rainagain on December 05, 2018, 12:23:51 AM


I didn't know you are still in the middle of things, I thought your employment issues were 5 Years ago.


Hi Rainagain,

My employment issues were from Jan 2009 to  August 2013. I have confused you, sorry! The job is over, the initial betrayal by the doctor is 5 years old. The psychological injury is ongoing. That is all that I meant by saying the issues are still live and not over. It is over for them, not for me.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Libby183 on December 05, 2018, 06:35:33 PM
Hi, again.

Excellent stuff about deciding to improve your well being, and ways to do this. I really endorse the commitment to exercise. Walking with my dog really makes a huge difference for me.

I agree wholeheartedly with the idea of working on inner approval. I really believe that if you don't get acceptance of yourself and everything that you are, as a child, you will just carry on looking and looking, often in the wrong places. I am definitely getting better at this. I am doing things for myself without asking my family for reassurance or approval. It can be hard, but I am getting better at it.

You got it absolutely right. Our abusers aren't bothered if we have a rotten life. I am sure my parents think that that's what I deserve. So, yes, let's aim for this good enough life! I am starting to get a sense of what this could look like, and I get the impression, that you are too.

Good luck to all of us.

Libby.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 07, 2018, 12:44:27 AM
Hi Libby,

Good Luck to us all indeed! You are right, I am on a good train of thought right now. This forum has helped me to achieve it.

Yesterday I had a breakthrough in my ability to comprehend the exact nature of the stress that I went through in that job and today I had another 'light bulb moment' on the back of yesterdays new awareness. I find it interesting that only in the past 2 days I watched talks by Jordan Peterson on youtube and in one of these he stated that, after you have been the victim of malevolence you wont be able to think about anything else until you figure it out.

Well that is exactly how I perceive my situation. I have not been able to think about anything else for 5 years. My mind has been obsessed with the injustice and I find myself thinking about it whether I like it or not, day in, day out, year in, year out!

The new comprehension that I have arrived at yesterday and today is for the moment giving me a sense of relief and some much overdue respite from the constant rumination.

You know when something just makes thorough, authentic sense on a very intuitive level? I have had 2 great hits of that in the past 2 days. I feel great relief.

Ill make it short- The stress that I underwent at work was not just because I was being bullied. I was carrying out their most demanding job while they refused to acknowledge that it was demanding. I had the opposite of the support that I should have had considering the nature of the work. It was patently clear that they would never acknowledge the truth on this. So I had to make a sacrifice in order to protect my job. I had to forgo the expectation of my employer honouring this truth in order to keep my job and to not annoy them with a truth they were unwilling to acknowledge.

I had to pretend their fictitious reality was the truth for the sake of a sort of peace with them. This weighed very very heavy in time.

All the time I was allowing them the indulgence of this fictitious reality, they were indulging another huge fictitious reality, at my expense. After initially admitting that the boss was known for a rotten attitude towards workers, his no.1 manager back tracked and together they established the lie that I was being unreasonable when I stood up for myself against disgusting bad manners/systematic criticism. They showed me in no uncertain terms, that the truth was of zero relevance in relation to this and that they would decide, in order with their own interests, what the truth was.

Again, in order to keep my job and to try to not rock the boat with them, I had to accede to their fictitious stance on this.

So while I was allowing them to cultivate fictitious realities on those 2 huge matters, in order to not jeopardise my job security, they went one further. The boss skillfully identified material, comments and actions by me that he could use to belittle and ridicule me with to other staff. Basically he set out to establish that I was an idiot and a source of silly comical behaviour and statements. This was because I had had the nerve to challenge his behaviour in the past and the more he could remove my credibility, the safer he would feel that no one would believe or care for my grievances.

All of this was at my expense. It wasnt long before I was displaying very surprising emotional dysregulation as I worked under this climate of lies, lies and more lies. I lost it several times as the boss visited me with stupidity and pettiness that it would take too long to describe here.

My stress was a product of my having to allow them to bullishly deny the truth on various fronts, my thanks for which was to be ridiculed and defamed in a systematic manner behind the scenes, as I continued to do work vastly more demanding than any other job in the place, for no extra pay. I hope this makes sense. So this was yesterdays moment of clarity- the stress developed from their privileged refusal to honour the truth on a range of points.

Today I realised that up until the time when my employer was given permission by me to speak to my doctor, they really didnt know what they were going to do about me. They knew my grievances were based in fact. They knew the boss had been gravely in error and they werent sure how things were going to go.

I invited in my life long GP due to desperation, stress and exhaustion, 3.5 years into the job. It dawned on me today, that it was only when my GP became involved that my employer found his route out of the mess with no consequence for himself. Until that point they could not have known to what degree my GP understood the situation and to what degree he might support me. They were, to some extent, walking a tightrope before my doctor became involved. After that however, they got the crucial information that had until that point been inaccessible. My doctor has communicated in some fashion that he would not stand in the way of my redundancy and they have become emboldened. I know it intuitively as I lived through it and I can understand the whole process when I reflect on the experience.

My doctor provided them with the confidence they needed to execute a putrid, lie ridden wrongful selection for redundancy, something they did not think was a safe option until they got speaking to him. 

Libby Im sorry if this is tedious but I want to record it when it is freshly realised.

As Jordan Peterson said, after being faced with malevolence, your mind will not let something go until it can make some sense of it.

I think I might be about to experience a release from painful rumination. Things make sense and that offers a chance of mental relief.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Rainagain on December 07, 2018, 06:06:25 AM
As Milk said, name it/tame it/Claim it.

You need a coherent narrative that makes sense so you can name it.

I have that and it has taken some of the pain away, its an important step.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Libby183 on December 07, 2018, 09:57:24 AM
Agree with absolutely everything you say.

CBT tells you that ruminating is unhelpful, so going over things in my head always made me feel bad and shameful and guilty. All those emotions my parents forced onto me.  But then, like you say, I read that traumatised people need to do this, in order to make sense of it. This seems to be where we are at, and this is a safe place to do that, so don't worry about going over things in detail. I think that's what we are here for.

Interesting you say about making sense of your situation with your employer, and the role of your GP. That rings so true for me too. Phoning my parents after so many years of no contact and telling them that I hated them, helped me make sense of things. Everything they said confirmed the narrative that I had put together to explain the way I am and how I feel. I re-experienced all of the feelings I had had as a child and young adult. I knew that I hadn't imagined it, that these people are truly toxic to me, and really don't care at all. That way, I could let go of the guilt and shame for not loving them. Both my parents, other people and the whole of society have guilted me for so long, for this lack of love and respect. But now I can truly accept that there is no reason for me to love them. My mother is, I believe, so damaged that she is incapable of love. Her love for my father is actually extreme co-dependency. They have each other, which is best for them. Neither me nor my children did, or ever could make them happy.  They are text book cases of a NPD/borderline mother and enabling father - who has become increasingly toxic, to keep mother happy.

The parallel in our different areas of trauma is the pain of having our truth denied, so vigorously and for so long.  But we have our truth now, so we are moving on. Not to say that we won't want to go over things, here and in our heads, but we have our truth. We understand the malevolent behaviour we have been subjected to, and we are moving on.

Hoping that the painting is progressing. I am "renovating" my staircase and finding it very rewarding. I didn't even ask my husband for approval, which is quite something for me.

All the best,

Libby.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 07, 2018, 12:44:54 PM
Quote from: Rainagain on December 07, 2018, 06:06:25 AM
As Milk said, name it/tame it/Claim it.

You need a coherent narrative that makes sense so you can name it.

I have that and it has taken some of the pain away, its an important step.

Hi Rainagain,

As it was with the original damage causing trauma, the subtleties of the reparation have to be experienced first hand to be truly understood.

I fully understand your message above and each line of it. Until a few days ago I would have read those words of yours and felt frustration because my anger was live and my head was still adrift in a sea of confusion around everything.

I feel I have, as you say, taken an important step. My celebration was very measured though because I know from past experience that there have been umpteen breakthroughs and they have turned out to be false dawns.

All the same, for now, even if it is a temporary relief, it is still relief. The smallest victories are precious.

One thing that drove me round the bend at times was the fact that 3 individuals were involved in my demise and I simply didnt know who to blame the most. I could exhaust my venom for one of them only to find my brain then suggesting that another one of the 'unholy trinity' was equally to blame and probably more so! This was exasperating.

While they were all self serving and they were all guilty of unjust action, now that I believe I understand the dynamics of the process they delivered between them, I am buoyed up a little by the knowing how and why they acted as they did.

To some degree I feel I have the measure of them where previously I couldnt fathom their unjustness.

I think I am possibly at the stage now where I can desist from lengthy, complicated re-tellings of the unfairness that I faced. Surely that is a step back towards the more grounded me?!

Thank you both for helping me through this recent process.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Rainagain on December 09, 2018, 07:25:32 PM
If you have a grasp of what went on then I think that is indeed an important step forward.

Its a precursor to acceptance I think, you need a narrative that makes sense and fits the facts which you can then try to accept.

I was faced with several managers all acting together but apparently making individual decisions.

Having gone through hundreds of documents and spending two years looking at what happened in different ways I have a working theory that fits the facts I know and suggests the reasons for otherwise mysterious decisions that were taken.

This 'story' allows me to make sense of things, important part of recovery.

The depth of betrayal was a tough thing to take on board, but having the story more or less correct made even that possible.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 11, 2018, 10:38:27 PM
Quote from: Libby183 on December 07, 2018, 09:57:24 AM

The parallel in our different areas of trauma is the pain of having our truth denied, so vigorously and for so long.  But we have our truth now, so we are moving on. Not to say that we won't want to go over things, here and in our heads, but we have our truth. We understand the malevolent behaviour we have been subjected to, and we are moving on.

Libby.

Hi Libby,

This is the thing we have to do. As you say, now that we have the level of awareness and understanding that we have, our challenge is to make the most of the life we have remaining. We will have symptoms as a result of the past. As I type I am anxious and it has been brewing all day. But I'm ok. Its relatively mild anxiety.

Our lives will be afflicted by certain types of burdensome thought but they wont be lost entirely to it. I had mildly challenging thought all day today also. No one else knows about it and it has been talked to death so I just have to carry it around almost all of the time. I dont bring it up now. It is actually quite ugly for the ears of others Ive found.

I do believe the pain of the thing in my head is getting less over time. It is less unbearable now than before. It can still make me become very awake when I am just about to fall asleep- its not becoming a nice thing. Its just becoming less unbearable.

Before I forget Libby, you werent shown love by your parents. I dont believe I was either, certainly not enough to pardon and counteract the contempt I was shown. Im glad you no longer blame yourself for not loving your parents because that wasnt fair on you. You cant reciprocate what wasnt rightfully delivered from those whose job it was to deliver it. Im in that boat too. I have never loved my parents and I could never feel love for God- I felt I was wrong for that but I have moved on from both issues.

I know I am not devoid of love because I loved a dog as a teenager and I have felt love-like feeling for girlfriends. Incidentally, I have only ever grieved twice in my life. Once when my dog died and another time after a romantic relationship breakdown. Never after the death of a human. Im actually ok with that because I know I was emotionally destroyed as a young person. I do not accuse myself of the 'crimes' of inabilty to love like I once did, just like you did to yourself also.

I am trying to focus on positives and I am giving more thought to self development and notions of responsibility as opposed to aspirations for comfortability (inspired by Jordan Peterson on youtube).

Yes we are moving on Libby, as best we can.





Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 11, 2018, 11:02:06 PM
Quote from: Rainagain on December 09, 2018, 07:25:32 PM
If you have a grasp of what went on then I think that is indeed an important step forward.

Its a precursor to acceptance I think, you need a narrative that makes sense and fits the facts which you can then try to accept.

I was faced with several managers all acting together but apparently making individual decisions.

Having gone through hundreds of documents and spending two years looking at what happened in different ways I have a working theory that fits the facts I know and suggests the reasons for otherwise mysterious decisions that were taken.

This 'story' allows me to make sense of things, important part of recovery.

The depth of betrayal was a tough thing to take on board, but having the story more or less correct made even that possible.

Yes Rainagain,

I seem to have gotten to a similar stage of my process. Another cycle of obsessive rumination has been completed with the emergence of a slightly different narrative. There was relief, I think there still is some relief. I find the next phase of the cycle is a renewed appreciation of how I still must think about the thing all the time, if I am not being engaged in conversation by another person. I had this going on today, but as Ive said above in my response to Libby, the thinking wasnt unbearable, just persistent and laced with the sense of the unfairness that took place.

I found this explanation of consumption V creativity very interesting last night. This explains my stunted attempts at oil painting. Im already addicted to the dopamine I get from my youtube addiction. I need to change my habits if I am going to draw on some meaningful creative energy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6pgaJb2Wwhs&feature=share
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Libby183 on December 12, 2018, 09:33:52 AM
Hi, the truth.

Really pleased to hear that you continue to be in a relatively good place. I think you are right to say that our thoughts will never be pleasant but can become less unbearable. I think that is the realistic goal that we are all aiming for.

I can relate as well, to the way the anxiety still creeps in. I suspect it always will, it's how we react that matters. It sounds as if you dealt with it quite effectively. I started the weekend feeling awful. For me, I can't tell the difference between physical and emotional unwellness, and in the past, I have tended to panic and spiral downwards. But I am getting calmer, so I was able to go out with my husband and dog, and coped really well. It's definitely a stage in our recovery, I believe, and I think that the signs are positive!

With regards to not loving one's parents, I just wanted to thank you for your validation. I remember another of your posts about a particularly traumatic episode with your mother. That scenario felt very, very familiar. Horribly so!  I read an article on Psych central called The Brutal Womb, I think. It was about absolutely loathing your parents, essentially because PD parents are utterly abusive, whilst telling you that they are the most amazing people /parents that ever lived. Rubbish parents, who sort of shrug and say "tough, we don't really care" must be much less damaging. This sums up my parents in law. They don't pretend they care, and my husband isn't very bothered.  This was a really helpful realisation for me - and helped me let go of the terrible shame and guilt. It rears it's ugly head, from time to time, but I am getting better at refuting it. And, I am finding lots of ways to let go of my parents standards. Recently, I have committed some terrible crimes against curtains. My mother made curtains for a living and believed that nobody did such a fabulous job as her. For years I have maintained these standards, but now I have some window dressings that would cause her to have a fit. She'll never see them, but I am satisfied to have "rebelled"!

Take care and look forward to to hearing more from you.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Boatsetsailrose on December 14, 2018, 10:26:36 AM
Hi the truth ....
Oh the long battle with it all hey ...i can relate .
Id be looking at putting a complaint in and asking for another assessment .
Also i used the trauma symptoms worksheets on this forum which i filled out and read from in the assessment (its so hard for us to articulate in words our inner experiences .
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 15, 2018, 08:24:55 PM
Hi Boatsetsailrose,

The other side of it being so hard for us to articulate our inner experiences and the injustice of our realities, is that it is consequently very easy for those with an interest in downplaying wrong doing against us, to misrepresent the truth and to avoid any inconvenience that the truth might involve.

Thank you, I have asked for the report from my psychiatrist. They have said they posted it a week ago. It hasnt arrived yet. Lets see if it comes or if I have to request it by another means. I will request it by email next.

Thanks for the advice. If I need it, I will be asking  for another assessment at no cost to myself.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Eyessoblue on December 17, 2018, 11:33:19 AM
Hi thetruth and Libby, I just wanted to say I feel your disappointment with your results through the nhs, I'm wondering the truth, are you in a position to be able to change gp's? I'm from the south of England in a quiet part of the country, but my help through the nhs has been so good with gp's listening and understanding and referring me on. I'm 3 years into nhs therapy, the problem for me has always been that you only get up to 12 weeks therapy and then have to be discharged but then can reapply but the whole process goes on forever and I wish inhindsight that I'd found myself a private therapist so it could be on going, but I'm too far down the line now to want to do it. I've had a psychiatric assessment, emdr, Cbt and psychotherapy and am on the waiting list to go back for more emdr and psychotherapy followed by 12 weeks of trauma related Cbt, this is all through my gp who was so amazing in helping me with this journey and it disappoints me to hear the lack of support you have had, maybe it's because I live in a relatively small area that I'm getting that help or maybe I just have a gp who understands, but I hope you get the help that you need.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Boatsetsailrose on December 17, 2018, 12:19:28 PM
How about going higher to NHS pals to log what has happened with gps etc.
Also finding out what the policy is with the private service around asking for a second opinion
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Libby183 on December 17, 2018, 02:02:46 PM
Hi, Eyessoblue.

The truth - I hope you don't mind me hi-jacking this thread.

I have wondered whether to make some sort of complaint. I really do believe that the GP surgery are exceptionally poor at dealing with patients with MH problems. When I was prescribed mirtazipine and became almost psychotic, only to be told, over the phone, by a GP I had never met, just to stop taking it completely and maybe come back in a few weeks time, I was shocked. I am actually doing exceptionally well, with no medication and no therapy. I have no stomach for a formal complaint, but I have wondered about writing to the practice and outlining my thoughts about my treatment. I can't believe that I am the only patient with this sort of experience. I wouldn't necessarily expect a response, but it may help with my recovery. Just to put my story to them, a bit like the letter not to send section of this site. After all, telling my parents that I hate them, for the first time ever, helped me enormously. It's something I have been toying with.

Boatsetsailrose - so pleased to hear about your progress with getting help. You deserve it.

Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Rainagain on December 17, 2018, 02:31:42 PM
For what its worth I would be wary about trying to 'fight' with the NHS or psychiatrists.

Its unequal, we are vulnerable and they are not.

I see it as likely to turn out like my employment situation, an unequal struggle that caused trauma.

It might be better to keep trying different gps/psychs/whatever until you get a result like eyessoblue describes.

Most organisations and many alleged professionals are basically very poor, but there are good people around, if you can find them.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Libby183 on December 17, 2018, 03:34:32 PM
I agree completely. It's all about a power imbalance. They just have to say we are unstable and it's game over.  For me, it's just a repeat of my relationship with my parents. I had no rights, no voice and they were entitled to treat me how they pleased because I was unstable. I think that is why I do not trust doctors or the NHS.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 17, 2018, 09:07:15 PM
Quote from: thetruth on December 15, 2018, 08:24:55 PM
"Hi Boatsetsailrose,

The other side of it being so hard for us to articulate our inner experiences and the injustice of our realities, is that it is consequently very easy for those with an interest in downplaying wrong doing against us, to misrepresent the truth and to avoid any inconvenience that the truth might involve.

Thank you, I have asked for the report from my psychiatrist. They have said they posted it a week ago. It hasnt arrived yet. Lets see if it comes or if I have to request it by another means. I will request it by email next. "



The report didnt come by post. I asked for it by email and I had it within 2 hours.

I couldnt look at it this morning in case it triggered me before I went out and this evening I am in good form after a positive, carefree day. I am not going to jeopardise my evening by looking at the report because I know the report is more insult.

I was thinking about the psychiatrists evaluation in recent days. When he said I could not drop these negative ruminations because this is typical of people with bipolar tendencies (horse-crap on various fronts), he is still putting the blame for this on me. His conclusion still refuses to acknowledge the abuse, trauma and injury involved. His conclusion suggests that the problem is an issue with my psychology, as it was with the abusive employer, and with the duty shirking GP, he is choosing to lay the fault with me and not with the damaging events.

He is perpetuating the defamatory narrative, and that is as politely as I can put it. He too is abusing his position to frame the facts in a way that avoids the ugly truth at my expense once again.

These people cannot seem to get it into their heads that further denigration of me and further insult cannot fix the defamation and insult already suffered.


Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Rainagain on December 18, 2018, 01:10:42 AM
Negative ruminations must surely also be typical of people who have been abused and traumatised, probably more typical for them I'd think than for people with bipolar?

I'm certainly partial to a good negative ruminatory session these days, there's nothing like having your life ruined by idiots to promote that sort of thing.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 18, 2018, 08:34:54 AM
Quote from: Rainagain on December 18, 2018, 01:10:42 AM
Negative ruminations must surely also be typical of people who have been abused and traumatised, probably more typical for them I'd think than for people with bipolar?

I'm certainly partial to a good negative ruminatory session these days, there's nothing like having your life ruined by idiots to promote that sort of thing.

You would think that, yes, Rainagain. Especially when there is a detailed history of sustained, complex unfairness, involving trauma. It makes it all the more telling that a psychiatrist would choose such a flimsy, wishy-washy, truth avoiding conclusion. It begs the question, is this guy not interested in the actual traumatic history he has just had described to him? Might that be too inconvenient for him?

I still havent been able to bring myself to look at the report. I am concerned it will trigger me. I will have to look sooner or later.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Boatsetsailrose on December 18, 2018, 09:40:26 AM
The truth
I would suggest getting someone to be on your side and to advocate with you /for you. Here in the UK we have such charities that can support ...
Do u have access to this ?
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 19, 2018, 10:58:56 PM
Quote from: Boatsetsailrose on December 18, 2018, 09:40:26 AM
The truth
I would suggest getting someone to be on your side and to advocate with you /for you. Here in the UK we have such charities that can support ...
Do u have access to this ?

Hi Rose,

I am in the UK. I am trying to visualise how this would work. Might this involve another impartial person identifying the health care professional avoiding the issue and squandering the time talking about unrelated stuff? I think I this could be very useful.  Someone else listening to make it more difficult for them to shirk their responsibility and to deter them from overtly selecting what they focus on. Just what I need!

Next time I speak to a psychiatrist I will be less stressed, less exhausted and less easily manipulated.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 19, 2018, 11:26:45 PM
Quote from: Rainagain on December 17, 2018, 02:31:42 PM
For what its worth I would be wary about trying to 'fight' with the NHS or psychiatrists.

Its unequal, we are vulnerable and they are not.

I see it as likely to turn out like my employment situation, an unequal struggle that caused trauma.

It might be better to keep trying different gps/psychs/whatever until you get a result like eyessoblue describes.

Most organisations and many alleged professionals are basically very poor, but there are good people around, if you can find them.

Hi Rainagain,

Thanks as ever for your considered, experienced insight. I dont really plan to fight with the psychiatrist. I still havent looked at his report which I recently got by email. I know it will be triggering and right now I am doing ok.

If it is as far removed from the actual truth of my situation as I remember it, as it was verbally summarised to me at the end of the assessment, I will be pointing out in direct terms, just how poorly the assessment was carried out and how pointless the conclusions are as a result.

What gives these people the right to frame events in the least inconvenient way to themselves? Their position does. Its not good enough.

As I said, Im doing ok and with Christmas around the corner, I dont want to rock the boat by reading his report right now.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Boatsetsailrose on December 20, 2018, 09:12:41 AM
Hi truth
I've decided  any assessments i go to ill try to arrange an advocate to go with me. Doing these things alone with a mental health disorder is no easy ground.

Here is a link
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/advocacy/finding-an-advocate/#.XBtcd5mnzN4
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 20, 2018, 09:23:33 AM
Quote from: Boatsetsailrose on December 20, 2018, 09:12:41 AM
Hi truth
I've decided  any assessments i go to ill try to arrange an advocate to go with me. Doing these things alone with a mental health disorder is no easy ground.

Here is a link
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/advocacy/finding-an-advocate/#.XBtcd5mnzN4

Hi Rose,

Thank you very much for this.

Dont you feel more that you are mentally injured rather than disordered? After having been exposed to so much new info. and terminology in recent years re trauma and Cptsd, I firmly believe there is quite a difference to be affirmed on this point. If you get a finger chopped off they dont say you have a hand disorder, its an injury. Know what I mean?  We have been injured. I think the language around these things is currently evolving to better reflect basic honesty.

Thank you and have a calm and pleasant day.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Rainagain on December 20, 2018, 07:07:20 PM
Wouldn't that be a digit deficiency?

Or partially dexterous maybe.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Boatsetsailrose on December 20, 2018, 08:23:41 PM
Hi truth
I  often use the term psychological injury or damage ...
When it comes to the mental health system i use disorder
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 20, 2018, 08:58:56 PM
Quote from: Rainagain on December 20, 2018, 07:07:20 PM
Wouldn't that be a digit deficiency?

Or partially dexterous maybe.

A manual malfunction perhaps? Digital deficiency is perfect though. Nice one!
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 20, 2018, 09:00:11 PM
Quote from: Boatsetsailrose on December 20, 2018, 08:23:41 PM
Hi truth
I  often use the term psychological injury or damage ...
When it comes to the mental health system i use disorder

Hi Rose,

I hear ya. Forgive me for educating you!
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 21, 2018, 10:15:54 AM
Quote from: Boatsetsailrose on December 20, 2018, 09:12:41 AM
Hi truth
I've decided  any assessments i go to ill try to arrange an advocate to go with me. Doing these things alone with a mental health disorder is no easy ground.

Here is a link
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/advocacy/finding-an-advocate/#.XBtcd5mnzN4

Hi Rose,

And thanks a lot for bringing the possibility of having an advocate accompany me to assessments.

I though that by paying for a private assessment, I could expect an impartial listening ear, someone who would be more sympathetic to the prolonged, unresolvable nature of what I was left to manage after being poorly treated.

Im afraid that was pure naivety on my part. The psychiatrist seeing me privately at my expense is also an NHS employee and he cannot separate his allegiances. He was not open to hearing how I had been failed by another NHS doctor, nor how that had contributed to my situation. So he had to do exactly what the original GP did. Avoid the truth and manipulate the history as required to avoid addressing the real cause and effect.

If I go through the assessment process again I will have an advocate. Thank you.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 23, 2018, 11:38:11 PM
Hi All,

I have finally read the 'Overall Impression' penned by a private psychiatrist following a private assessment which I had organised through my GP. The document is dated 7th July 18.

I received it a week ago but I didnt look at it for fear of being triggered.

This small collection of words simply does not remotely reflect the scale of what I went through and what I am still going through, every single moment.

What this small collection of words does reflect is the psychiatrists refusal to adequately explore the true and actual nature of what I am living with.

I would like to share the entire document here. It is nothing short of an insult and I had to pay £250 for this insulting 'service'.

Without saying too much more about it now, I hope looking at this doesnt trigger me because I am already struggling.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: sj on December 24, 2018, 02:03:06 PM
hi thetruth

I'm so sorry to read what you've experienced - it sounds truly horrible and traumatic  :'(

I've read the first few posts, and skimmed the rest, so I do want to prelude my response with a recognition that I may be repeating things coz I missed it in the quick read. Apologies if that's the case.

I've had experiences with psychologists and medical people over the years that have been truly horrid, and everything you've describes feels very viscerally familiar to me. There were two terms consistantly running through my head as I was reading your account, and they were 'Gaslighting' and 'Systemic Violence'. Then I saw the following comment from you, and that, to my mind, is the perfect description of what Gaslighting is...
Quote from: thetruth on December 05, 2018, 12:07:00 PM
I have just discovered a true description of what happened to me. In a nutshell, it was 'ME V lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies'

I realise you may already be familiar with those terms, but I didn't notice them in any posts, so I thought I would mention them just in case. I found them useful in terms of having words and concepts for naming toxic behaviours and cultures, as well as giving me something to further research and find helpful, relevant info.

It seems the UK has a very limiting system re: GPs. Is it correct that you cannot choose who you see? (unless you move location?). I was on a health related forum about a decade ago and I have vague recollections of the UK members having significant struggles with this when their GPs were dismissive of their illness. As an Australian, I was aghast that some of my fellow forum members seemed unable to choose to see another GP. Maybe I have the wrong end of the stick on that one, tho.

Recently I was alerted to something called the Power Threat Meaning Framework, which I think has been developed by the British Psychological Society. I'll add the following links in case they are something you would like to look into (tho heads-up - they are a bit of a dry read/ listen)
https://www.bps.org.uk/news-and-policy/introducing-power-threat-meaning-framework
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrAT7AZqsTU&t=0s&list=LLk7nu_itVEquCtqN1N-H-Rw&index=57

The premise they are working from is echoed in something Bluesailrose said, and the tagline on ... hmmm, sorry forgotten their name, but another members nic, relating to the matter that with CPTSD what we are living with is injury, not illness. What they say in the PTM Framework commentary is something like, the important thing for clinicians, care providers, (anyone) to ask is not- 'What is wrong with you?', but 'What has happened to you?'. This is not simply trauma informed, but a client-centred therapeutic approach which completely validates the lived experience of people as they express and describe it.

Anyway, I couldn't help but wonder if you could call the BPS to see if they can recommend therapists who are aligned with this way of thinking? Here we have something called The Blue Knot Foundation (which is where I found out about the framework). They run survivor workshops and training for allied health/ therapists, and can provide lists of therapists who have done their training (though that is not the same as an endorsement, so I still would engage with care and caution). But, again, I can't help wondering if BPS offer anything similar, or may at least be able to start pointing you in some more safe and helpful directions...??

All that said, I also agree with what Blusailrose said about securing an advocate to accompany you on any further such appointments, if that's something you can access. I haven't done that yet, tho I am slowly learning how to better navigate the system (I think  :stars:), and a lot of it is by a combination of being more informed and feeling when I come away from an interaction feeling supported and good, compared to when I come away feeling off-kilter, confused, misrepresented, etc. I think I'm slowly developing a better radar for those people who hold to similar values of genuine care, respect and empowerment. Sadly, one cannot assume all of those in the 'health care' professions are aligned to the same ground-up (rather than top-down) values, but at least experiencing the bad helps give us an insight into what we don't need, if that makes sense (which reminds me of the snake-bite comment).

warm wishes and take care  :)
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Boatsetsailrose on December 24, 2018, 03:34:57 PM
Sj you make some very significant points and providing links .. There is some info and frameworks from the blue knot foundation on this forum under resources ...
That is so good to remember
'What happened to you rather than 'what's wrong with you ...
And i really like what pete walker says about the whole dsm could be shrunk down significantly re cptsd being a diagnosis
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 25, 2018, 05:25:01 PM
Quote from: Boatsetsailrose on December 24, 2018, 03:34:57 PM
Sj you make some very significant points and providing links .. There is some info and frameworks from the blue knot foundation on this forum under resources ...
That is so good to remember
'What happened to you rather than 'what's wrong with you ...
And i really like what pete walker says about the whole dsm could be shrunk down significantly re cptsd being a diagnosis

Hi Rose,

I really like that. What happened to you as opposed to What's wrong with you.

You see it's that simple.  It's very, very simple.

Yet I cannot get health care professionals to operate on this level of honesty. The stress and trauma that I suffered due to complex long term harassment at work was reframed by my GP as just more of the same depression that I had had before that job. This meant he didn't have to say my stress was caused illegally at work.  His refusal to protect me from wrongful selection for redundancy compounded the injury and caused massive trauma.

Now it is too inconvenient for a psychiatrist to say my GP caused me harm, when my GP avoided the inconvenience of saying my stress was caused at work by saying my stress was personal instability.

My abusive employer initiated the lie that my stress was personal psychological instability. The GP went along with it for expediency and now the psychiatrist is doing the same thing by saying my injury is more a product of my psychological imperfections than a product of abuse.

Lies, Lies, Lies, Lies, Lies. No one can broach the truth because crimes of injustice were committed.

When I attempt to describe the cause and effect of my injury I am asked if I an going to move on, as if I haven't tried that.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 25, 2018, 07:29:24 PM
Hi SJ,

What a fantastic post. Thank you for all of that. I'm too low on energy to respond at length right now.

I have a psychiatrists report here which is dreadfully inadequate and it involves misrepresentation, not to mention the remarkable new development of discovering that I am bipolar , if you don't mind!!!

I am not bipolar, but this guy thinks using  such tactics to misrepresent my injury as a named psychological condition, is preferable to acknowledging the validity of crimes carried out against me, crimes which he clearly did not want to discuss.

The things that were done to me are not even hard to describe . I can explain them to anyone. The only impediment to understanding the crimes that were carried out against me, is the disinclination to hear my words. I am finding this very common. Many strategies have been used by my employer, my GP and now by this psychiatrist, to deny the truth that I endured. With each refusal to hear and deal with the truth, the injury is compounded.

I will post the report now and in it you will see that this psychiatrist has reduced 4.5 years of psychological abuse at work, the refusal of my GP to say my stress was caused at work and the wrongful selection for redundancy that was made possible by that betrayal as "Perceived injustice . "

2 words. That in itself is criminal. As I've already said, what his report shows more than anything, is the psychiatrists avoidance of the truth that I tried to bring him. This too, is unjust.

I'm running out of steam. I'm exhausted a lot of the time. My mind will not leave this issue alone. I think I have said all I needed to.

Thank you.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 25, 2018, 08:58:10 PM
This is a psychiatrists report, which he produced following an assessment in which he said from the start that CPTSD is something that is experienced by people who have had traumatic childhoods. Towards the end, when still attempting to tell him how my symptoms are those of CPTSD, he repeated this statement. H e was saying that my assertion that I have CPTSD cannot be considered based on his statement.

I went there to describe the causes of my current long running condition caused by harrassment, lying and betrayal. The psychiatrist did his level best to avoid this material and he sought out and discussed more historic material so that he could use that to focus on rather than the actual causes of the difficulty I amn having.

He needs to do this to help him avoid the reality that was, my GP refused to say my stress was caused at work, a decision that paved the way for an unfair selection for redundancy which he knew was coming because I told him it was going to happen (in fact, he already knew it was coming before I told him as my employer and him discussed me with my permission but I gave that permission so that my GP could defend me, something he chose not to do). The psychiatrist doesnt wasnt to look at these facts due to the inconvenience of having to say they have had a detrimental impact on my psychological health. The psychiatrist misrepresented the truth to avoid its inconvenient nature.

I had to pay 250  quid to not be listened to and to be misrepresented yet again. This man is saying anything he can think of to blame the problem on my mind rather than what was done to me.

Here it is in all its disgusting ineptitude:-

"Overall Impression

42-year-old man with a history in keeping with recurrent depressive disorder with a
differential of Bi-Polar Type 2, given the expansive periods described on self-report.
PATIENT has no dependents and has not worked since being made redundant in 2013. From
this time he is preoccupied with how he was treated in this position, this does not appear to
be to a delusional intensity but he ruminates on this++. Appears to be obsessional thought
content.

Predisposing Factors

Pressure from Mother at school
Perceived treatment within the workplace

Precipitating factors
Returning home from holiday

Perpetuating factors
Felling of injustice
Differential Diagnosis
Recurrent depressive disorder.
Over the last two years, PATIENT has presented with panic disorder and an obsessional sate.
He feels his mood deteriorated in January/February this year in keeping with a moderate
depressive disorder with increase in obsessional ideas.
PATIENT denied any ill feeling toward the boss and his line manager within the boatmanufacturing
factory or his GP. He did describe the use of word "vengeance". He describes
always having this feeling but no wish, plan or intent to harm others. He feels that this is a
normal feeling within the context of complex PTSD

Plan
We agreed the following care and treatment plan
 Continue with input from within the community mental health team.
 PATIENT was agreeable for information to be passed to this team to aid ongoing input.
 I feel PATIENT would benefit from a further trial of a SSRI +/- low dose of anti-psychotic
drug.
 He would also benefit from CBT.
 It would important for his community health team CPN to explore ongoing thought
content above.
 We will forward PATIENT an abridged outcome of this assessment and associated plan.
Many thanks."

I am not Bipolar. 10 years ago after having had a 2nd experience of hypomania on the back of prolonged depressions, I discussed at length with a psychiatrist if I was possibly bipolar. She fought against that suggestion and she did so with good resaon. As she said. the mild hypomania that I described was a totally understandable response to having just survived a lengthy depressive episode. I am not bipolar, I have never been depressed nor hypomanic without resason.

However, now that there has been very contentious and inconvenient treatment by an employer and a GP, all of a sudden it has become useful for a psychiatrist to label me as bipolar in order to explain away the problematic reality that I am presenting him with.

This is an utter disgrace and it is just an extension of the gaslighting already carried out. It is misrepresentation for a clear purpose, ie, to avoid saying my injury is a valid consequence of criminal treatment.

Regarding the title of this thread, at the assessment, I have no recollection of the psychiatrist saying he would recommend SSRI meds. I just remember him saying I needed anti-psychotic meds to get over the rumination to achieve an improved quality of life.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Rainagain on December 25, 2018, 10:19:37 PM
I don't see much to be upset about here, maybe I've missed the point?

Recommendations for ssri and CBT seems standard psych stuff?

Involvement of mental health team is useful as access to them normally requires some extreme episode?

Not sure what a differential diagnosis means, might be worth googling that?

If he doesn't put any weight behind your personal view he at least is saying stuff needs doing, he may have been dismissive of your version of events but doesn't seem dismissive of your symptoms or that actions need to be taken by NHS?

I would go for the treatment actions suggested and not worry about being believed, it makes no difference to the treatment I would say.

I'd say its useful to you, the prize is recovery not to convince the psych your old boss was a proper git, the psych wouldn't know as he didn't work for him, you know because you did.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 26, 2018, 10:49:07 AM
The mental health team is involved as a result of my having asked for it due to being close to suicide in the spring as a result of psychological injury caused by years of complex trauma executed by an employer and his right hand man, mistreatment the existence of which was denied by a respected doctor, causing the trauma to intensify.

The extreme episode in question was the worst EF endured yet and it was triggered by returning home to the place of all the wrongdoing after a 5 week spell away. All of this was descibed clearly to the psychiatrist and it is not hard to hear and it is not hard to understand. Neither would it be hard to describe in a report. The report does not convey these facts nor any other that was described. What the report does do is it disassembles and reframes everything I said to undermine the CPTSD cause and effect that I delivered.

Your questions perfectly demonstrate how successfully this person has purposefully confused information Rainagain. The psychiatrist has used his position and his report writing licence to deny the cause and effect that I brought to him and as a result I am invalidated.

To say that the problem was only that I had a git for an employer simply isnt adequate and doesnt begin to describe the criminal behaviours carried out by him and those with a financial/legal reason for protecting him, which included my GP. In fact the statement echos the down playing that the GP had to do in order to shirk his duty of care. Thats one of the ways that complexity was introduced to this trauma experience. Not only was the crime downplayed, it was twisted to suggest that the problem lay with my mental health. A lie of expedience which only added insult to injury.

I know recovery is the prize and with a bit of luck citalopram will help along those lines. You might see the problem had you been at the assessment, heard what was said and then read the report which doesnt reflect what was said at the assessment.

Panic disorder for 2 years? I told him I had been having emotional dysregulation as a direct result of psychological abuse going back to 2010. Thats 8 years. Why he has chosen to say 2 years is anyones guess. It has nothing to do with the facts that I brought him.

This isnt the only example of this within the report. He says something about me having a depressive episode in early 2018. He has chosen to not describe that as I did. II clearly described an emotional flashback on returning here after 5 weeks away and that the intrusive thinking about all that had happened grew to its most intense form yet experienced. I told him that the thinking has been ever present since redundancy in 2013 but sometimes I am triggered by activities, places, seeing certain people and then the thinking becomes unbearable, causing suicidal thinking when at its worst.

All of that detail has evaporated into thin air and he has redescribed what I said as, I became depressed. That wasnt what he was told so I can only deduce that he doesnt really care for what he was told.

Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 26, 2018, 11:10:17 AM
Rainagain,

My only hope now is that medication can ease the psychological chaos around all of this. Validation or justice are clearly not going to happen. Somehow I have to accept this.

If I could just get to a way of existing which involved being able to wake up in the morning and have bearable, relaxed thoughts. You must know what I mean?

The New Years resolution is to take the citalopram and allow it time to get to work. As you suggest on the other thread, I will report developments  as time goes on, and compare how I then feel to the current state.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Rainagain on December 26, 2018, 01:14:20 PM
TT,
I can see positives in your assessment report, you see it as further persecution.

It might help you to try to see the positives, to see the psych report as a potential stepping Stone to recovery.

I'm sure it fits nicely into the narrative of persecution, but seeing it in that way is not going to help you in recovery.

I've been negligently and deliberately harmed, persecuted, betrayed, wilfully harmed.

But the narrative I am working on is not about those people, its about the court case I am bringing against those people, the control over my life I am trying to gain, the future I want to aspire to for myself.

Its hard to do. Its picking through the wreckage of my life and trying to make something serviceable I can use in order to have a future.

Think tom hanks in castaway, he had bits of his old life (ups parcels) and after much trouble he came to terms with his situation and eventually got back to the world.

The world had changed, he had changed, but he started again from this new place.

You don't need to spend any more effort in obtaining validation of your situation, it happened and you know full well it happened.

So what if some people seem to deny your experience? Some people still believe the earth is flat, no use trying to engage with them.

I have a large organisation maintaining they did more for me than they were obliged to do, totally denying what they did to me.

Their view doesn't alter my view, I can't change them or their opinions, no point trying to do something impossible.

Don't see what I am saying as an attack, I'm suggesting you sift the wreckage and only keep items which are helpful to your future. That psych report could be handy so don't throw it away.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 26, 2018, 02:08:21 PM
I am hearing your messages Rainagain but I am only absorbing them in fits and starts as there is this obsessional  need for vindication very much alive and well in my reality which, as you point out, isn't necessarily doing me any good.

All the same it's a product of systematic lying and misrepresentation which had real life unjust implications for my life. So it dwells and it festers and inhibits recovery.

I have had glimpses of being able to compartmentalize and accept the crimes against me as just bad experiences as opposed to life destroying experiences and maybe citalopram will help me get back there.

The dream would be that citalopram would allow a raising of my mood back to a place of better balance which would allow some of life to be experienced as enjoyable and then there would be some point in being alive.

If there was some point in being alive then it might be possible to consider working again.

I'm far too young to be on the scrap heap on benefits. I want to function. I want my self esteem back. I can't have that without working.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Rainagain on December 27, 2018, 11:13:03 AM
The point of life seems to be to get back up after you have been knocked down.
Or maybe there is more to it, but getting back up is a big part of it I feel.

Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 27, 2018, 04:29:19 PM
Quote from: Rainagain on December 27, 2018, 11:13:03 AM
The point of life seems to be to get back up after you have been knocked down.
Or maybe there is more to it, but getting back up is a big part of it I feel.



I suppose without that sorted first, no other point can be considered. The getting up again is the hard part when the knocking down has been so effective and multi-dimensional.

After hearing the positive reports about the ability of citalopram to take the edge off of rumination, I am hopeful this will happen for me. Id love to be able to think about things other than past mistreatment. Fingers crossed citalopram will meet my needs and my head will get a much needed break.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 30, 2018, 01:40:30 PM
Quote from: Boatsetsailrose on December 17, 2018, 12:19:28 PM
How about going higher to NHS pals to log what has happened with gps etc.
Also finding out what the policy is with the private service around asking for a second opinion

Hi Rose,

What do you mean by NHS pals?
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on December 30, 2018, 02:46:44 PM
Quote from: sj on December 24, 2018, 02:03:06 PM

  There were two terms consistantly running through my head as I was reading your account, and they were 'Gaslighting' and 'Systemic Violence'. Then I saw the following comment from you, and that, to my mind, is the perfect description of what Gaslighting is...
Quote from: thetruth on December 05, 2018, 12:07:00 PM
I have just discovered a true description of what happened to me. In a nutshell, it was 'ME V lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies'


Hi SJ,

Thanks so much for your help here. I am well aware of the term gaslighting and I know full well that I was a victim of gaslighting from the outset in this job. In fact, it was gaslighting that set the tone for what I always decribed as a climate of unfairness and stress during my entire time in that job.

This is where the term 'systemic violence' now comes in. Thanks you so much for bringing this to my awareness. The term can be applied to my case in a number of ways.

Following my first protest about the blanket offensiveness+pettiness of my boss, I was told that the boss was doing nothing wrong and it was me that had the problem. When I contended that I was not the person being unreasonable and that all I wanted was fairness, the boss spoke up and said, "No, you are looking for praise".

This was obscene gaslighting, the statement had no merit in any stretch of the imagination, but it serves to illustrate how willing and able this man was to misrepresent the truth in order to deny his wrongdoing.

In order to protect my job, which I loved and which I was very good at, I had to desist at this point because it was patently obvious that these 2 grown men, a boss and a right hand man, were more than willing to say anything that was needed to deny the truth.

This is how the climate of stress was initiated for me. From that point onwards stress was ever present as the company enjoyed the privilege of having the power to claim that the boss was infallible and that I was over sensitive and delusional, and they blatantly cultivated the idea that I was crazy. All the while, I single-handedly carried out their most demanding job to the highest standard they had ever seen in 35 years in business. They vehemently refused to acknowledge the true nature of this work, the skill, powers of analysis, mental and physical stamina required for it. It was highly specialised but the boss attacked me daily to belittle and to detract from the true nature of the work. He asserted that anyone could do it and it was not challenging. A massive lie, in part to make you believe you were being paid enough, in part because he is threatened by genuine competence.

So to get back to the systemic violence- it pretty much describes many aspects of the harassment that I was faced with. It also describes how my GP refused point blank to countenance providing me with support against the harassment that I faced. My GPs answer was that I could only 'move on'. I couldnt move on. I had found a job which was perfect. It had been hard to find. There were no alternative options available. My GP basically said I had no right not to be harassed and if I didnt like it, I could leave the job.

Some years later my GP would adopt the lies of my employer as truth and he would help them to have me removed from my job. He knows my boss. What my GP did was uglier that anything my employer did. He assisted my abusive employer to reframe my stress as personal psychological instability of a mysterious nature. This facilitated a deeply unfair dismissal against which I could not defend myself because my stress was nothing short of traumatic by then. By then the stress had been ongoing for 4.5 years. My GP didnt give a hoot. 12 weeks after redundancy I was in hospital getting muscles and a ligament in my forearm rejoined after smashing a mirror and a thick window with the palm of my hand. I now know that this event and the many outbursts I had at my employer were emotional dysregulation. 100% stress generated emotional dysregulation.

But the systemic violence didnt end there. Not only was the stress so bad that it was causing emotional dysregulation, the company, with the blessing of my GP, used the emotional dysregulation to bolster their lie that I was crazy and volatile.

The following quote is from 'On the Violence of Systemic Violence: A Critique of Slavoj Žižek ' by Harry van Der Linden.

"Presumably, we should include psychological violence within the common definition of violence, provided that it is narrowly understood as involving cases of extreme psychological pressure, intense humiliation, and
intimidation, constituting, as it were, an assault on the mind analogous to a physical blow to the body."

On that day when I was told by my abuser that I was looking for praise rather than fairness, this was at the end of a big tense discussion about my having made a protest about unacceptable treatment. I had endured this treatment for a year. They were saying I was imagining it ("Boss name- is doing nothing wrong, it's you that has the problem"). I became emotional. I began to cry. The unfairness was too much. This was humiliating. There was a lot of humiliation dealing with people who would not tell the truth.  The anger outbursts by me were humiliating, deeply humiliating. Again, emotional dysregulation.

Following another 3,5 years of ever more ugly and stress causing lying in this job, my GP used this ploy to try to quieten me. He said that the company could embarrass me in court by talking about my embarrassing behaviour while working for them. This is systemic violence of a very complex nature.

I hope I did not lose the train of thought I wanted to convey there. My GP was willing to frame my becoming emotional in my job as embarrassing for me , rather than to view it for what it really was, emotional dysregulation caused by harassment. The reason he was willing to do this, or interested in doing this was because he denied me any support whatsoever to try to prevent my wrongful selection for redundancy. IE he refused to say my stress was caused at work. He let them screw me over. It meant he didnt have to defend me. He could just say I was depressed like I had been before.

If this is not systemic violence then what is?

He refused to say my stress was caused at work on a sickline, even though he said it in his notes 1.5 years earlier. 2 weeks later the company which caused the stress dumped me out in order to protect themselves.

I know full well that they knew they could get away with it because they had reassurance from my GP that he would not stand in the way.

I didnt mean for this post to be so long. Thanks you SJ for bringing the term systemic violence to my awareness. I know there are a few interpretations of the term but when it is applied to extreme psychological pressure/ humiliation, I think it applies to my situation.

I mean, the way that the redundancy selection criteria were drawn up to score certain individuals as lowly as possible, regardless of the truth, is a shining example of systemic violence I think.
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on January 01, 2019, 01:27:15 PM
Early in the job, before the truth denial of the company had fully blossomed, the work that I alone was doing for them was more honestly described by the boss, his right hand man and his longest serving employee.

The boss said the work that I did was, "soul destroying".

Right hand man said, " I don't know how you do it."

Longest serving employee said it was, "F**king torture."

The nature of the work was mentally demanding in that it required the development of great patience and great resilience in order to cope with the numerous frustrating setbacks that were an unavoidable part of the job. These unavoidable setbacks were all the more frustrating because the boss set unrealistic time constraints on the job. For example, he once asked me to complete a job in an afternoon (4 hours) which actually took me 6 days (54 hours). His refusal to accept reality was a large part of the conflict. He wasnt fair.

This post is just to try to convey the difficult reality of the work that I was doing, even without any harassment. Before any of the bullying, lying and betrayal, I was doing their single most demanding job. My point is, carrying out this work would have been difficult enough even with the support of the company.

Towards the end of the 4.5 years in that job, the company had become so entrenched in their refusal to be honest about my situation, they no longer admitted that my job was "soul destroying".  On the contrary, by that stage their narrative was simply that I was an unstable basket case and when they made me redundant, they did so by denying the existence of the job that I had done for them for 4.5 years, on my own. 

My GP helped them to do this.


Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: Boatsetsailrose on January 01, 2019, 03:44:24 PM
Hi the truth
Here is a link
https://www.nhs.uk/common-health-questions/nhs-services-and-treatments/what-is-pals-patient-advice-and-liaison-service/
Title: Re: Private psychiatric assessment results in script for anti-psychotic medication.
Post by: thetruth on January 01, 2019, 04:24:22 PM
Quote from: Boatsetsailrose on January 01, 2019, 03:44:24 PM
Hi the truth
Here is a link
https://www.nhs.uk/common-health-questions/nhs-services-and-treatments/what-is-pals-patient-advice-and-liaison-service/

Thanks a lot Rose, for telling me abut this. Much appreciated.