Out of the Storm

My name is Allie.  Well, that's not my real name, but it's the name I am using here.  I've toyed with using a recovery journal for some time.  And I'm not even sure where this is going to go.  Am I just going to spill on here, and say things that don't make any sense? 

I'm not even sure if I have C-PTSD.  I don't know if I've overreacting to stuff that happened to me.  I mean, I'm 53.  Shouldn't I have it "together" by now?  Why am I still bothered by things that happened when I was six, eight, fourteen, twenty-one?  Bullies were/are stupid.  They lied.  So why does what they say/did still bother me?

There are days I feel like a failure.  I have a hard time making friends, and I'm afraid of being alone in my old age.  My son has special needs.  He will probably not be able to care for me when I can't care for myself.  And he doesn't have brothers or sisters.  I'm not close to my family.  We're just too different.  And my mother physically can't carry on a conversation right now. 

I've been lied to and screamed at for years, and I am having a very hard time trying to figure out the truth about anything.  God doesn't lie, but men can and do use His name to lie to people.  And they use Scripture to "prove" that what they are saying is the truth. I am afraid of getting things wrong and going to *.

I started having swear words drop into my head when I was about 14.  In church, of all places.  I am so tired of holding back on cursing, and sometimes I have let fly with "bad words".  (I know swearing is not appropriate here.) 

So where is this all going to go?  I don't know.

Alliematt, I relate to what you're saying. Especially this:
"Shouldn't I have it "together" by now?  Why am I still bothered by things that happened when I was six, eight, fourteen, twenty-one?" The why can sometimes be explained by how vulnerable we were then, when it all seemed to press in so tight and we absorbed it. But sometimes there's just no making sense of it.

You ended by wondering, "...where is this all going to go?" One thing I discovered, is that all my old maps to the sure fix for everything got dropped in the mud. Now my only recourse is to move on without them, hoping that I may even find some surprises and resources I might not have found relying on the sure maps. Having tried so much 'out there', the new discovery might be an inner strength or notion or realization that wasn't apparent in my previous tries.

So I hope you feel that way with your journal...some of the old pain will probably filter in, of course. But you're aware it might, and deserve to find a way you can call your own. Being 'together' perhaps isn't even out there, somewhere else. It's a sign of strength to be able to trek on with doubts and vulnerabilities intact. To me, that sounds pretty 'together', too.

After a frustrating day yesterday, I did a little bit of shopping today and while I was out and about, I just said, "I don't know (fill in the blank)", and I listed a long list of things I don't know.  I don't know how to be a good friend, good wife, good Christian, good anything.  I don't know how to pray.  I don't know how to handle my son.  I don't know how to get better.  I don't know.  I don't know.  I don't know.

I think the main reason for my bad mood on Friday and Saturday was because I was not wearing my estrogen patch.  I put it on on Saturday and have been feeling a bit better.

But right now I feel terribly tense because my son is watching Wheel of Fortune and talking along with it, he just asked me, "Does so and so have a partner?"  (So and so being someone from our church.)  He asks about partners because he's a fan of police shows and everyone seems to have a partner.  (My son is a teenager with autism.  Crime shows are an obsession of his.)  And I'm going back and forth between here and talking to my BFF online.  We also are filling out paperwork to get guardianship of our son when he turns 18.  This is for his legal protection, because there are just decisions he's not legally competent to make right now.  My husband is planning to take Friday off work to help file the paperwork.  And I feel tense and stressed over it.  (My son's birthday is in February.)

When I have "bad days", I end up reverting back to the same issues:  how in the world do you know whether or not you're being lied to?  Are people going to scream at me for making a mistake? 

And right now, I'm so tense that I can't really think!

Annnd, I am still tense.  Monday and Tuesday, I did fine as far as working a new schedule which included writing and exercising.  But everything started falling apart, I think, on either Monday evening or Tuesday.  I think it started with a phone call from my husband reminding me about an affidavit I needed to give to our son's doctor attesting to his legal incompetency.  We need this to file for legal guardianship of him. 

I turned that into his doc's office on Tuesday.  It needs to be picked up either today or tomorrow, because we're planning to file the paperwork on Friday. 

Tuesday evening, I found an email in my box saying that I was scheduled to help serve lunch at our seniors' Bible study at church . . . tomorrow.

I have the following things on my to-do list, and my mental/emotional state is such that I've been on the computer instead of dealing with the to-do's: 

Four phone calls, all for some sort of appointment
Get more ear plugs, because my husband snores
Pick up meds
Make a meal list (which I'm halfway done with)
Find my son's last psych eval, most recent Individualized Education Plan, and speech evaluation (all of which we need for the guardianship filing)
Pick up a library book on hold for me
Cut up leftover turkey to use for turkey salad (so the turkey won't be wasted)
Pick up tortillas and celery at the grocery store
Do 108 pages of proofing (about two hours' worth of audio)
Do laundry
Donate clothes to Goodwill
File guardianship paperwork tomorrow
Let my son's teacher know that he'll be out of school for part of the day on Monday for a well-child appointment.

Yesterday, I helped at the seniors' Bible study.  From there, I went looking for a pair of swim goggles.  I've gone swimming without them for the last two days and my eyelids have been burning from the chlorine.  If I'm going to keep swimming (cue Dory  ;) ) I need them.  I found the goggles, and while standing in the checkout line, got a call from my husband saying that he was about to put in for the time off.  I told him that the doc's office had called me back, and said that they'd mentioned that the doctor's affidavit form said that our son had to have been seen within 15 days of the date on the affidavit, and the last time he was seen by the doc was for a sore toe in June.  They're willing to use any information from June, but suggested that I go ahead and make an appointment for our son in case there was a problem with the date on the affidavit. 

I said that to my husband in the checkout line, and spent the NEXT FIVE MINUTES trying to explain the whole situation.  I had to pull out of the line and over to the side and HOPE that the conversation was relatively private. 

We're still going to turn in the paperwork on Friday.

And oh yeah, WHILE I was on the phone, my husband said he'd gotten several emails about our bank balance, AND that there was a $500 withdrawal from our account.   That $500 was me taking out cash for gas and food for the month.  I'm trying to pay cash for food and gas each month, and that doesn't always work. :-(  Also, I have the bank account set up so that it emails us whenever a) our balance falls below a certain amount and/or b) a transaction exceeds a certain amount.  So I had to explain THAT as well.

From there, I went to the foot doctor for an appointment, and while on the way there, heard on the radio that a tornado had touched down one county over, and that the squall line that produced it was going to reach the area I was in within 22 minutes!

I made it to the doc's office.  It started raining hard just as I was going in.  (The foot doc went okay, the pain they were treating me for has gone down.)

Then I called to see if my son was home, and had to call him back because the phone call dropped.  He was home.  (He's high-functioning enough so that he can be home alone for a small amount of time.)

I also deal with the "regular" stress of my son's constant chatter about the stuff he watches and his constant repetition of what he hears on TV. 

And when I posted of my frustration on my FB page this morning -- in addition to having posted news about recent fires in the US, I got a well-meaning but extremely annoying message from my sister-in-law informing me that I needed to put my mind on good news and "suggesting" I read a particular Bible verse.  I am sorely tempted to respond to her with a verse from Proverbs about people who sing songs to a heavy heart!

When in the name of God does the stress end?  When do I get to feel better?  When do I get to feel relaxed and mellow rather than constantly tense, stressed, and ready to scream???  And how does this all link into CPTSD??? How?

:fallingbricks:  :aaauuugh:

 :hug:

Be good to yourself. I had to really learn how to say "no" when I was just too busy to take on one more thing - no matter how small it seemed.

I realized my activities were falling under "the disease to please" category, and not really done from the desires of my heart. Except that being liked felt good!  But, I learned you can't buy being liked - you can only rent it.

So, I stopped trying to help everyone who asked. I lost contact with some, but I know the friends I have now like me for me, & not what I can do for them.

I also learned how to delegate. This was difficult because I had such strong feelings about how everything should be done! But letting go of all that was really good for me in the long run.

I hope you find a space in the turmoil to take a breather, and some much needed "me time"! :hug:

Well, one thing I did do:  I sing on our church's praise team (not every Sunday), and when an email went out asking if any of us would like to help with the children's musical, the first thing I thought was, "No!"  I knew I had too much to do and putting one more thing on my plate would make it crack!

Be yourself, they say, because who else are you going to be?

But "being myself" was what got me bullied in the first place.

I was shy and an intellectual, and I got teased and mocked for it.  Back in the day, girls weren't really supposed to be brainy. 

Nowadays, girls have to take STEM classes (science, technology, engineering, mathematics) or else be considered traitors to the sisterhood.

You have to be pretty and slim.  I'm fat, and I don't consider myself very attractive.  I like my hair, and that's about it. 

As a so-called "modern woman", I'm supposed to have a career outside the home in addition to husband and children.  Actually, women are supposed to be "career women" who don't NEED men, but if you do decide to get married, you'd better be prepared to juggle it all or to have it all.  And it can't be just "any" career--you have to be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company to be considered truly successful.  There will be no true equality of the sexes until EVERY Fortune 500 company is headed by a woman, we have a woman President, a woman Vice-President, an all-female Cabinet, and a female Chief of Staff.  And oh, yes; cooks, housekeepers, and food service people must all be men (because those are traditionally women's jobs.)  In fact, women should work and men should stay at home with the kids!

But, as a Christian woman, if I want to work outside of the home and I have children, I'm neglecting the kids.  I need to be home for them because no one can replace a mother.  I'm the one who is "on the hook"; even though fathers are important, mothers are the one who are "on the hook" for how their kids turn out.  (I actually heard a Christian radio show say this.)

In high school, I got called a lesbian because I didn't have a boyfriend.  But when I got a boyfriend, I got laughed at about that, too; and then that boyfriend broke up with me and didn't even bother to tell me the relationship was over. 

If I showed my "smarts", I got bullied. 

When I tried to play sports, I got bullied.

If I "turned the other cheek", it didn't help, because it only encouraged them to keep going.  The two times I fought back, it didn't help, either.  I got laughed at about that, too. 

When I wore an Adidas shirt because it was a "popular" shirt, I heard someone say they'd never wear theirs again.  And then I was asked if I went to the Adidas concert.  WHAT do you say to something like that??  No matter what you say, you're in trouble. 

God is supposed to love you as you are . . . but then you have to be "out of yourself" all the time, invite everyone to church, constantly have Bible studies with people, and make sure they become Christians.  And oh yes, you have to be "excellent" in your classwork as well.  God demands excellence in every area.  No excuses.  You're supposed to get up early for a "quiet time" because of the verse in the Bible that describes David laying his requests before the Lord in the morning, and the morning is supposed to be your best time.  And heaven forbid if you ever skip a quiet time.  You should never skip time with God. 

What do you do when every.single.thing. you do is commented on by someone, somewhere, somehow?  The way you sit, the way you breathe, the way you stand, the way you dress, the way you talk (both the vocabulary you use and the way your voice sounds), the way you hit a ball, the way you run . . . ? Whether you do or don't invite the person you're standing next to in line at the grocery store to church? 

I feel like someone is constantly looking over my shoulder ready to say, "You missed a spot."

And then you're told to stand up for yourself but not told how. 

And when you do, you get yelled at.  Or, if you object, someone has an answer for your every.single.objection.

You cannot win.

Be yourself?  Yeah, right!

Wednesday I was convinced that no one liked me. 

I've been running around a lot lately, and Sunday a week ago was particularly bad, involving church, lunch out, buying a shower gift, attending said shower, and then taking my son to a youth group meeting.  And then early Monday I took my son to a doc's appointment, and I nearly overslept.  I got him there, and then I went back home and crashed. 

I sing on our church's praise team as an alto.  I'm not a natural alto, and I feel very insecure at times singing alto because it's not melody. 

The day after that rehearsal, I had a counseling session.  The counselor reminded me that because of the bullying and church experiences I'd had, my brain WAS doing its job in trying to protect me from bad stuff.  However, it does tend to go into overdrive because it can misinterpret things (like, people talking to each other and not to me doesn't mean "I'm being shunned", it can also mean, "they need to share information/they're closer friends or been friends longer than I have with them, etc.) 

I had a talk with my brain afterwards and thanked the right side for protecting me, but reminded it that it doesn't always need to go into "protection mode". 

I put a lot of pressure on myself.  And as a result, I end up getting paralyzed and doing nothing.

Right now, I have a 217-page document to proof that's due tomorrow.  It's a legal transcript that I got yesterday.  It's four hours long, I've done an hour of it, and I've proofed a total of 65 pages.  The one thing I am looking forward to is getting this done . . . and then some relaxation.

Yesterday DH and I had a counseling session together.  Since we have a special needs child, we see a counselor monthly because we do feel the need for extra support. 

I can't remember exactly how the subject came up, but I talked about how I feel like I have to "kowtow" to people, especially those who don't agree with me.  For some reason, an issue with my mother came up . . . and that opened up a big discussion. My DH and my counselor think she's been abusive, and I am not completely sure they're right . . . and yet, so many of my memories of her are of someone who yelled, lectured, and sniped about people.

DH says that my mother sniped about me behind my back to him. I overheard at least one "snipe", where she told him that I "fouled up the bathroom schedule". This was when we were visiting her on a vacation a number of years ago; my sister was living with my mother at the time (she was recently divorced) and I didn't know she needed the shower at a particular time so she could get ready for work. No one told me. So why was it me that was accused of "fouling up the schedule" when I didn't even know what the schedule was?

Things finally came to a head several years ago when we bought a small notebook to record what we were spending on vacation. My mother asked what it was, DH told her, and she exploded, saying that was "rude". I don't know if she thought we were keeping track of what SHE spent on us or not . . . but an argument followed, and as a result, my mother and husband didn't speak to each other for the next four years.

*I* am the one that has to initiate contact with my mother and sister. My sister will text me if something's going on with my mother, *I* am the one that has to initiate contact with my mother and sister. My sister will text me if something's going on with my mother, but that's about it. Over the last year, my mother's physical condition has seriously deteriorated (she is not in assisted living) and I believe her mental condition has as well. The last time I saw her was this summer, and she thought I had come to take her to Wal-Mart. I just went with it and took her there.

Because of my mother's medical condition, she *can't* initiate contact now, and I'm cutting her plenty of slack there. But for years, I was the one who called her, and the "reason" she gave was that she never knew when I was going to be in, and she didn't like talking to my answering machine. I said that to the counselor, and his reaction to her reasoning was, "Bull."

I'm trying to work out what, exactly, my relationship with my mother is . . . and I don't know if she's been abusive or not.

Then this morning, a friend who is reading a novel I drafted told me she had issues with a female chaplain character I wrote. She's very conservative and doesn't believe that women should be preachers. And I'm not so sure if I agree with that anymore. (I don't want to get into the religion issue. This just happens to be the context of this conversation. :)) She's also a writer and I trust her input as far as writing criticism. She did tell me that, as far as the character was concerned, that while *she* wouldn't put that particular character into anything she wrote, that was *just her*. )

She did comment that I "took criticism to heart" — and I suspect that the combination of a very critical mother, dealing with bullies while growing up, being spiritually abused in college, AND having some bad roommate situations as a single woman have all made me very, very, very oversensitive to be criticize. I have a visceral, physical reaction to criticism because I'm expecting it to be harsh.

So, on top of having dealt with bullies and spiritual abuse, is it now true that my mother was abusive?  Do I have dig out from under even MORE abuse???

I hope it's OK to post about this subject here; if not, I'll delete it.

I can't get rid of the loop:

Everyone believes they are right.
Everyone can "prove" it by Scripture.
But too often, the conclusions are diametrically opposed to each other.
So how do you know who's right?

More and more, I despair of coming to any conclusions.  I feel like I'm standing on quicksand.

I had a chat with a woman from church on Sunday.  She reminded me that God loved me.  So why don't I feel loved? 

I do see my counselor today.  I think that will be a good thing.

Last night I went on a rant.

I posted something to a friend on FB that was meant to be funny.  She didn't think it was.  I apologized and deleted the post.  There was a political element to the post and I'm sure it added to her reaction. 

Ever since, I've kicked myself to Pluto and back and I'm on my second round.  The woman I offended goes to my church and I see her pretty often.  I'm afraid to face her tomorrow. 

Last night I ranted to my husband.  I feel like I have to kowtow to everyone.  I feel like I'm a failure as a woman because I'm not a CEO, engineer, scientist, mathematician, or high-powered lawyer.  I'm a failure as a Christian because I see God as very angry at me and I don't feel his love.  I can't forgive myself for screwing up.  God forgives, but he doesn't take away consequences. 

My husband needs to be made love to and listened to.
My son needs to be cared for and listened to.
My family needs to be fed.
My house needs to be cleaned.
We're going through the guardianship process with our son (we meet with a lawyer on Monday--this is just part of the process.)
I need to write.
I need to proof.
I need to pay back debt.
I have a mom I'm worried about because of her health.
Last night my sister broke her leg.
I need to lose weight.  I look and feel like a fat cow.  (Moo!)
I need to exercise. 
I need to eat better.
So what did I do yesterday?
Buy a big bag of peanut butter M& M's!

I try to support people and see things from their point of view, but too often, I don't feel like I'm given the same courtesy.  Just for once, I'd like people to say, "Yeah, I see where you're coming from!"

And I"m bracing myself to be screamed at for whining and complaining!

allie- I just replied to your Having a Bad day: kicking myself post. I really relate to what you said. Also, I've been thinking about your post on this thread January 4-
"Everyone believes they are right.
Everyone can "prove" it by Scripture.

I've debated whether to respond. Scripture can be interpreted and twisted to fit almost anyone's desire to believe anything and force it on everyone. Scripture was even used to support slavery! In the gospels Jesus calls the Pharisees out for not following the law that commands them to kill disobedient children under certain circumstances!

"conclusions are diametrically opposed to each other" and "how do you know who's right?"

The Bible is full of blatant inconsistencies-even the gospels disagree/contradict as to how certain events happened and the order in which they happened. Two of them start with a genealogy of Jesus from Joseph's side- but Jesus was not of Joseph's blood so the bloodline is useless. There are two differing accounts of creation in Genesis. The list goes on and on and on....

After reading The Skeptic's Bible I became convinced that The Bible is not and cannot be held infallible and therefore (for me) the source of ultimate truths. I write this not to dissuade you from Christianity (although I'd like for you to know you have the right to change your beliefs-and if you do, I can relate to the feelings of fear and shame that can arise in the process!), but to at least let you know I shared your concerns and confusions regarding Scripture and other people's certainty in their beliefs.

As for "I'm bracing myself to be screamed at for whining and complaining!" I doubt you'll find that here. I assume we all know how it feels to be on the receiving end of that admonition and the devastating effect it has on our (for lack of a better term) souls.  :hug: if you are open to a hug!

I screwed up with a lady from church (I posted about it elsewhere in the website) and while I apologized and she accepted it, I have kicked myself from here to Pluto and back and am on my second round trip.  I cannot pull myself out of this blue funk.

This sounds to me as if you may be in an EF.

I absolutely hate when I offend someone. I try to never be hurtful but sometimes, being human, I screw up. Takes me a long time to get over it, sorry you're in a funk. :hug:

Quote from: Three Roses on January 25, 2017, 03:33:09 AM
This sounds to me as if you may be in an EF.

I absolutely hate when I offend someone. I try to never be hurtful but sometimes, being human, I screw up. Takes me a long time to get over it, sorry you're in a funk. :hug:

I'm sorry, what is an EF?  Emotional flashback?

Yes, sorry. I just replied to someone else about what I thought sounded like an EF, so here's the link I gave them :D

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=374.msg2420#msg2420

(There is religious content here, for those who are triggered by it.)

I'm sitting on the couch with computer and TV on, and trying to breathe.  Last night I had a mental rant about all the things I feel that I'm expected to do, have to do, need to do, want to do . . . and I am stuck, and have been for years. 

I have books I want to write.
I NEED to earn money to pay off debt.
I NEED to pray daily and read the Bible, but while I'm doing a Beth Moore study with my ladies' group, my prayer life STINKS!!  I am not sitting down to pray.  My prayers are "on the go" and they're not very deep.  It's more like the "Lord, be with/Lord, please bless" type of prayer that I get tired of praying because it's so cliche and repetitious. 
I have a chore schedule.  Do I follow it?  NO!  The only person who regularly does his chores is my son!
Tonight we are participating in the If gathering at my church.  This is a video presentation that a bunch of churches are having.  That's tonight and all day tomorrow.  I'm signed up to go.  Since I work from home, if I don't make myself get out and about, I could be very isolated. 
Tomorrow is the Super Bowl, and I live in Atlanta.  (That should be self-explanatory.)  I sing on the praise team this Sunday, and to get there for an 8 a.m. rehearsal, I will have to get up at 6:30 a.m. and leave the house before 7:30 a.m. Our twice-monthly small group meets at 3 pm.  My son's youth group has a Super Bowl party at 6 p.m. At least one of us will have to take him there and bring him back. 
Wednesday night, I had praise team rehearsal after church, and as a result, we didn't get home until 9:30. My husband needs to get up around 4:30, because he leaves the house around 5:30 to catch a bus to go to work.  Last night he went to bed at 7 because he'd stayed up too late the night before.  (We only have one car.  We don't have the budget for another one.)
My dishes need to be done.
The laundry has to be done.
I want to make banana bread because we have a bake sale on Sunday to raise money for youth missions.
Our downstairs toilet has been leaking, and my husband shut it off.  It's been a real pain to remember to go upstairs every time I need to go!
I am so sick of current events. 
If I want to be a writer, I need to write, but I have not been writing regularly.  I have it on the schedule, but am not always following through.  (I'm too distracted by the computer.)
I have a LOT of issues surrounding God and the Bible that I've been stuck on and don't seem to be making any progress on. 
I can't talk to my mother on the phone because she's unable (not unwilling, unable) to hold a conversation.  And while my sister and I are friendly, we're not terribly close. 
My son's birthday is next week and I don't have a gift for him.
I'm probably going to have an IEP meeting at the end of the month for my son's transition into a post-high school special ed program.
Monday, I have to take my son to the naturopath and then my husband and I have our own counseling session.  I will be doing a lot of driving.  (The one bit of self-care I did was to not take any work for Monday, and I have told the people I work for that I can't work.) 
I NEED to exercise in order to control my blood sugar.  I had been walking, but then my foot started hurting, so I switched to swimming.  But I have to schedule swim time according to when the pool's open. And if I have an appointment, or don't sleep well (which happens pretty often), guess what doesn't happen?
March 8th, we have our hearing for my son's guardianship.
And oh, have I mentioned that yesterday morning, my computer was running so slowly that I couldn't get any work done before I was scheduled to leave for the pool?
My brain is spinning.

:fallingbricks: :spooked: ??? :stars:  :blowup: :rundog: :bawl:

No wonder your head is spinning!

Would you like some advice or did you need to vent? Sometimes I want advice/differing perspectives and other times I just want to know that I am heard.

I hear you!!!!

Quote from: bring em all in on February 03, 2017, 05:28:02 PM
No wonder your head is spinning!

Would you like some advice or did you need to vent? Sometimes I want advice/differing perspectives and other times I just want to know that I am heard.

I hear you!!!!

That was a vent.  (And thank you for asking.)  I have put dishes in the sink and laundry in the wash, and decided to ignore current events for the weekend. 

I have been feeling tense and exhausted almost this whole weekend. 

Friday and Saturday I went to a ladies' gathering at church.
Sunday I sang on the praise team.
Then went to small group.
Then, my husband took our son to a Super Bowl party.  I picked him up.
Yesterday, I drove my son to a doctor's appointment, took him home, and THEN went to pick up my husband so the two of us could have an appointment together.
Saturday night I went to bed at eight.
Last night I went to bed at seven.
And I'm still exhausted and tense.

It has been a month since I've written anything here.  I really feel like I live life spinning plates and juggling balls.   :stars:  For the last month, I've dealt with illness and a number of appointments and other things.  I haven't been swimming in a month, and my A1C is probably shot.  Right around our son's birthday, he got sick with a cold, then *I* got sick, then my husband got sick.  Then, there's been a myriad of appointments and stuff that I've dealt with.  I've developed a pain in my side that is probably a pinched nerve and have back exercises I need to do. 

This week, we were awarded guardianship of our son.  That was crammed into a week where I had two doctor's appointments, a counseling appointment with my husband (our standing monthly appointment), my son's naturopath appointment, and the regular "running the house" duties, in which I've fallen way behind.  I have done no writing.  I took no work for pay this week because I knew I would not have time.  Today, I finally have something that is due Monday. 

Is this part of C-PTSD?  Feeling like you have to do everything and there's no end in sight?  My life is stressful enough WITHOUT the (insert adjective here) C-PTSD.  With anxiety, depression, and OCD, it makes it worse.  And there's the constant struggle with shame.  I'm starting to call the feelings I have "shame", not "guilt", because the feelings I have are of, "I am bad," not "what I did was unwise." 

Rewiring my brain is a pain!   :aaauuugh:

There ought to be a way I can deal with life without feeling tense and anxious.  My son and husband are both home today and that tends to throw my scheduled off.  Especially when my son goes around screaming lines from the shows he likes to watch and talks about them, constantly.  I'm in my office at the moment so I can get some privacy. 

 :hug:

I don't know what to do or what to think anymore.  About the only thing I'm certain of is that I'm a biological female . . . but if someone were to ask me, what is a woman, I don't know what to tell them.

Be myself?  Who is that?

Stressed, tense, I know I have too much to do and I'm too much of a perfectionist . . . but what do I do about it?  I've worked myself into such a frenzy that I've paralyzed myself.  And I feel time slipping away to do what I want to do.

:stars: :aaauuugh: :fallingbricks: :spooked:

My stamina is gone today.  Last night I had a pity party because a group of altos in my praise team were standing around talking . . . and I wasn't included.  I don't think I was being deliberately excluded, but sometimes, I feel like the altos are a clique I will never really be part of.

And I know I should be concerned about current events, because they are going to directly affect my life and my son's life . . . but I don't have the stamina to care.  I'm going to let people do what they do and let the chips far where they may.  That's probably a victim mentality, but I just don't have the energy to fight.  (I also think I'm having an adrenal crash today due to a bad night's sleep.)

:fallingbricks:  :'(

Not having a good day.  :'(

Part of it is because I didn't take my full dose of hormones last week.  What I think triggered me was this episode:

I sing on our church's praise team.  Not every person sings every single week, but we all at least try to show up on Wednesdays during our Wednesday church service.  to learn new music.  There are eight people who sing weekly, and they stay after church to rehearse for Sunday.

I'm an alto.  I'm not used to being an alto.  I don't feel very secure in singing alto, but my range is not high enough to be soprano.  The rest of the altos have been part of the praise team for several years, longer than I have.

Sometimes, when we sit together, it seems that the rest of the altos are friendly with each other, but they don't always include me in their conversations.  I feel left out.  When I talk to them individually, they are very, very friendly, and I do not think that anyone's deliberately trying to shun me.  But I feel shunned sometimes.  I feel like I felt in school, when I really was shunned by people. 

Wednesday, one of the altos commented on how most of the altos were there, and she gave others a hug . . . and she didn't hug me. 

And I felt left out and ignored. 

That was the trigger. 

It is dumb, it is stupid . . . but I am so tired of doing the mental work to tell myself, "People do not bully you on the praise team.  They don't bully you at church.  Just because they talk together doesn't mean you're being ignored."  It is so much work, and I'm just so tired of doing it.

Due to certain current events in the news that have happened this week, I once again feel like I have to listen to everyone else's point of view but if I express mine, I'm going to be screamed at and shouted down.   

I feel like I always have to be understanding the other side but no one even tries to understand my side.

Where's the respect and understanding for my point of view?

Where's the understanding for my side?

I have been mentally screaming for a week.  My head is just full of screaming.

"Leave me alone.  I'm angry.  I'm angry at everything.  Everyone lies.  Everyone can 'prove' they tell the truth.  I'm so tired of lying."

It seems like the "side" I am usually on when it comes to current events ends up losing.  I'm tired and discouraged.  And I feel helpless.  I end up screaming at myself and I yelled at my BFF online.  While she's very understanding, I didn't like doing it to her. 

I wrote an angry and frustrated blog post last night.  So tired of moving backwards.  So tired of not being able to figure things out.

I feel like a criminal because I am white, Christian, conservative, and straight. 
:'(

I have a cold, so I'm practicing self-care.  It includes orange juice and chocolate.  :)

And I made it through my son's high school graduation last night!

What do you do when you don't know what to believe anymore?

I don't have a problem with God but I have a big problem with how he's been taught.  Everyone believes they are right and can "prove" it by Scripture, but they end up being opposed to each other.  They can't all be right.  So who is?  That's the loop that goes over and over in my head and I can't stop the loop.

I think an infinite God isn't going to fit neatly in anyone's package. I'm finding as I grow older, I'm defining God for myself and listening less to others.

Not sleeping that well, and so tired of all the lies swirling around current events.   :pissed:

I always seem to be on the side that loses and I feel like everything I think is somehow wrong. 

We will have to replace our roof; it will cost about $10,000 and I don't know where we're going to get the money.

I'm still paying back loans. 

I would love to travel and do other things but I feel shackled to this debt. 

And I can't even write on my current novel, which is now in its third draft. 

I am so tired.

I am so tired.
:fallingbricks:

Today I feel so angry and so overwhelmed.   :pissed: :aaauuugh: :blowup:

I'm not getting any better.

When am I ever going to get better? :'( :'( :fallingbricks:  :spooked:

Recovery and healing comes in cycles like a spiral staircase. It's not linear, altho we would love it to be! Keep hanging on, alliematt, you're due for an upswing soon.  :bighug:

Today I am tired.  And I am ready to scream.  I have been screaming internally off and on for weeks now.  I want to scream at everyone, SHUT UP!!!  STOP IT!!! PLEASE!!!

EVERYONE THINKS THEY'RE RIGHT!!!!
EVERYONE CAN PROVE IT!!!
SO WHO'S RIGHT????
I DON'T KNOW!!!!!
AND I DON'T THINK ANYONE ELSE KNOWS!!!!
AND I DON'T THINK IT'S POSSIBLE TO EVEN FIND OUT ANYMORE!!!!!
:pissed: :pissed: :blowup: :blowup: :'( :'( :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :spooked: :spooked:

Friday night I went to bed and as part of my prayers, I pleaded for help. 

The next morning, I woke up and one of the first things I thought was that I'd been doing a lot of lying to myself, mainly saying that no one liked me and everyone lied.

It is true that not everyone likes me, because no one has everyone like them.  It's also true that there are many people who like me, and also true that the vast majority of people in the world don't even know I exist! 

I can't promise I'll never lie to myself again, but for right now, I'll learn from this episode and record it, so I can remember the truth.

And I've decided to read the Gospels.  If Jesus is God, the Gospels are where I can get to know him.

I am so sorry that you have been going through such a rough time. It sounds though like you are going to learn from it, that shows such strength and wisdom! I know you can do it. I am right here with you if you need anything at all  :hug:

Am I a bad person because I just don't want to deal with certain current events today? 

Absolutely, positively not! You have the right to deal with only what you want to!

Quote from: Three Roses on June 22, 2017, 11:41:51 PM
Absolutely, positively not! You have the right to deal with only what you want to!

Love this quote!!!

This past week was a rough one, and I think I know two reasons why:  1.  I have been waiting a WEEK for my estrogen patch.  It's on order by the pharmacy . . . and I am completely OUT.  I'm in my 50's and in menopause.  A woman without her estrogen is not a pretty sight.   :aaauuugh: 

2.  I had FOUR NIGHTS in a row where we were at church for one thing or another.  There were three nights of Vacation Bible School (we have ours in the evening and the adults have a class as well as the kids; the teenagers got to do their own activity).  After classes, the children's ministry put on a three-part play about the story of Esther which was a lot of fun (it was adults doing the main roles; there was plenty of humor and a LOT of talent.)  The fourth night was praise team practice where we worked on new music.

As much as I am tempted to beat myself up for being irritable this past week, I WILL give myself credit for realizing that part of the problem is chemically based and should resolve itself once I get my hormones in order.  Not only that, there was one evening where I was in such a bad mood that I dropped my son off at church and then went up the street to Burger King and wrote in my journal for an hour.  Then I went back to the church building to see the play.  I was in a much better frame of mind. 

I got at-home work on Monday and Tuesday, didn't get anything Wednesday, and I also had a doctor's appointment Thursday (and a back adjustment Wednesday).  When I realized how much activity was going on, I emailed the people I work for and told them I couldn't take any more work this week.  #selfcare 

My husband will be taking vacation time for the next two weeks.  My son's got his own appointment on Tuesday.  I'm going to assign my husband the job of taking my son!

AARGH!!!

Today has been a bad day.

I didn't fall asleep until nearly 2 am.  And THAT was with the help of Advil PM.  Which I have since been told isn't good to use and I should use melatonin instead, but whenever I use it, I wake up with a headache. 

This morning my DH wanted sex.  I was tired so I didn't give him any.  He's a decent sport when I am not in the mood, thank goodness.  But when I went over to get some stuff out of the drawer, he turned me around and kissed me.  I don't think he always understands that I'm not always in the mood for sex the first thing in the morning!

I finished proofing work I needed to do, tried to take a nap (didn't work very well), went to get two pairs of new shoes for my son which had to be non-skid (this is a requirement for the program he's going into).

I am stuck.

I'm paralyzed by anxiety every time I try to write on my current writing project.  I'm so afraid it's not going to be good enough.  My inner critic hates me.

I am so tired of current events.  And I feel so helpless to do anything.  I end up posting or lashing out on social media and that's not necessarily a good thing.  I need a friend here that I can really talk to face to face and I'm not sure if I have one.

I want to scream.   :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: I want to say, STOP IT!!! PLEASE!! STOP IT!! STOP THE ARGUING AND FIGHTING!!! STOP IT!!

Everyone can write better than me. 

And I don't debate well.  Just for once, I want to be the person that has an answer for everything.  Everyone else does!  Why can't I?

:pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:
:fallingbricks: :blowup: :bawl:

I just feel like screaming.  why does my inner critic have to be SO MEAN?  And why do I feel like everyone gets heard but me?  And why does that sound so selfish?  Other people deserve to be heard.  But it seems like someone with MY feelings and opinions doesn't deserve to be heard as much as others with other opinions.  MY opinions are always wrong.  Everyone else's is always right.  People with other opinions always win.  People with my opinions don't.  They always lose.  And I'm so tired and demoralized from always losing.  ALWAYS.  There are things I have no power over but I have to deal with the fallout of them. 

:(  :hug:

After my mother met my first college roommate, who was a musical theater major, she said the following to me:

"You're going to have to be more sophisticated if you're going to hang around her."

I remember I asked her what she meant.  I remember she said something back.  I don't remember what she said.  What I do remember is this message, loud and clear, that, "You're not good enough.  People are going to laugh at you because you're not 'sophisticated'."

Years later, a counselor I spoke to said that he got the impression that "sophisticated" meant "rich snob".   To this day, I dislike the word "sophisticated" because it sums up everything that I am not.

I have a poor sense of fashion.  My mother has said on several occasions that I'd probably be a lot happier if I dressed differently.  Which may or may not be true.  I don't know.  My sister has a much better fashion sense, and growing up, she let me know it.  But what I found interesting was that on one occasion, she borrowed one of my blouses without asking me, and when she came in the door, I started screaming at her, "Take it off!" (I was a teenager, she was either in her late teens or early 20's.) 

I think my parents said something to her.  But my father also said to me, "You can tell people that I didn't raise you to be selfish."  Which totally ignored the fact that she never asked my permission to borrow something of mine.

Why, nearly 40 years later, does this episode still make me so angry??

Because it's still not resolved; it's just another example of the lopsided household rules you were subjected to. Privileges and responsibilities were unevenly and unfairly assigned and you were expected to not rock the boat!

Today I feel defeated.

Totally.

I woke up in a foul mood, went back to sleep, woke up groggy and in a foul mood.

I've tried everything.  I end up writing everything that is wrong with me and discouraging other people.

I've tried Weight Watchers, but it's overwhelming to me to count points and keep track of food. 

I can't figure out what's healthy and not healthy to eat.  If I try to eat organic, it'll cost me an arm and a leg and I can't afford it.  I can't afford non-GMO, gluten-free, antibiotic-free, grass-fed, cage-free, pesticide-free, fair trade, locally grown food!

I have a schedule but end up not following it. 

I've tried exercising.  I went walking until I pulled a muscle.  Then switched to swimming until my schedule got interrupted one too many times.  Now I'm dealing with a skin rash.  And I'm tired all the time. 

I use a CPAP.  And I still snore.

I've spent a boatload of money trying to get treated for adrenal fatigue.  I've given up on that, too. 

*I* am always the one who is in the wrong and who has to give up my opinions.  The side I am on always gets shouted down. 

With the Bible, I feel like I have to have a theology degree to understand what it really says. 

It's impossible to write books when I have to work to pay off debt. 

And it seems like that no matter what I say, I am going to offend someone.  I feel as if I am walking on eggshells these days.

My inner critic is having a field day today.

I identify strongly with everything you've said.

I've given up on eating right and exercise, focusing instead on what is most natural/least processed, and on accepting my shape as it is.

When I'm in a funk and can't seem to fight it off, I accept that too and warn the people I live with that I'm in a bad mood, and not to take anything I say to heart. (Strangely enough, sometimes just giving myself permission to be angry/upset is enough to sort of lift the mood.)

I've given up trying to sway people to my way of thinking. I am trying to focus instead on what I am *really* thinking - what's behind my reactions and feelings. I dislike being shouted down. My opinions and beliefs are mine, period, and I don't have to justify them. I am learning to do as I please and not bother asking for permission.

With the Bible, I've taken to just quietly asking its author what it means - for me. I am focusing less on whether it's literal or not and focusing more on the principles it teaches and how to apply them to my life and behavior.

If I speak my truth when necessary, it is not on me if anyone gets offended. In fact, their reaction is really none of my business. That's their responsibility. As long as I'm trying to be functional and mindful of how I phrase things, that's enough.

Thank you for posting this, alliematt! I'm so sorry you are struggling today and I hope you can find the energy to rewrite the rules that have been foisted on you. I'll be thinking of you today. Have you thought of visiting the porch? There's a cozy spot there with your name on it! ;) :hug:

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=6910.0

Thank you for the link to the porch! 

One thing I did do was go get coffee and a couple of other things.  I also know that when I wake up in a foul mood and don't feel my best, that's when I'm the most likely to "go off" on social media.  Things always look worse when I don't sleep well or don't feel well.

Quote from: Three Roses on August 10, 2017, 03:15:31 PM
(Strangely enough, sometimes just giving myself permission to be angry/upset is enough to sort of lift the mood.)

I've noticed that effect, too. Just telling those around us that we're in a bad space really helps us connect.

Quote from: alliematt on August 10, 2017, 04:16:13 PM
One thing I did do was go get coffee and a couple of other things. 

Oh darn, I read "go get coffee" as "get off coffee" and was about to ask how you did it! I'm now certain it scrambles my head, which then buzzes round and round the most petty of issues. I know for a fact that it's messing with my sleep.

Hugs to both of you. I've woken up in a better space today but yesterday was a nightmare.

Not having a good day today.  It seems that every gimmick I try fails, and I'm tired of failing.  Stress level is high and there's no way to take anything off my plate.

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

I'm sorry I can't get better.  I'm sorry I feel so sad.  I'm sorry that I keep feeling sad. I'm sorry for bothering people with my feelings and my thoughts. 

I can't snap out of this blue funk.  Yesterday I was exhausted after taking my son to the naturopath.  Then last night I took ibuprofen PM to get to sleep.  It's not healthy but I don't know any other way to get to sleep. 

So many things I'm overwhelmed by and I can't even make a list.

allie, i can relate to so much of what you're going thru, and i'm really sorry you're in such distress.   i've gone back and forth with the weight/body image thing, the exercise thing, the bible thing, and the 'trying to do it right' thing as well.  i'm beginning to come to terms with these but it's taken some time and changes in perspective.

i can't afford all that 'better for you' food either, so i've decided it's something i can't control, and i just eat the best i can the foods that agree with my  system.  i'd love to do lots of veggies and fruits every day, but my system doesn't take well to that.   we're all so different.

i walk when i'm able at my own pace.  i've accepted that i'm not a power walker, nor is it productive for me to rigidly do it every day.  when my energy level says it's ok to do so, that's when i do it.  i'll probably never lose weight this way, but i'm pretty healthy as far as all the tests say, so my body is ok for me the way it is. 

i have my own ideas about the bible, ones that fit for me, and that i am comfortable with.   my spirituality comes from my own beliefs rather than what someone wrote.

all these took some time to get to, and i'd be lying if i said that i didn't still sometimes struggle with them.  i've had to change perspectives from what i'd been taught or what society has deemed 'right' to make them my own.  it's helped me, tho, to diminish that confusion and distress that would plague me in a big way.

i do hope you find your way through these mazes of should, must, or expectations of right and wrong.   they are so upsetting, so demoralizing at times, and often feel like we're trapped inside them with no way out.  i believe that our way out is to construct our own doorway, knocking down walls that obstruct us from it as we keep moving.  sending you a big hug full of warmth and comfort.  hope to see you on the porch later.  i'll be picking flowers for my hair, checking the garden for ripe veggies, and generally enjoying just being with everyone here. 

I probably need to go back to the porch.

Today I did tackle paper clutter; I filed away paper and threw away some. 

But I just feel so discouraged over the current events of the last several days.  My mother is now in rehab getting her leg worked on.  That is good.  Other stuff about which I can do nothing?  That discourages me, because those events do affect me; and also, I feel as if everyone else's comments and opinions count except for mine.  I'd love to build a hobbit hole and go hide.

Well, I just got told that I needed to be careful railing against a particular group because they were the ones responsible for helping people like my son.  (The person who told me this was not here on this board.)

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY TO THAT?????
I DON'T KNOW!!!!!
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO???
I DON'T KNOW!!!!
I CAN'T DEBATE!!!
I CAN'T ARGUE!!!
EVERYONE ELSE WINS BUT ME!!!!
EVERYONE CAN SAY WHAT THEY WANT BUT ME!!!!
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ANSWER PEOPLE'S ARGUMENTS!!!
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY???????
WHY CAN EVERYONE ELSE DEBATE AND I CAN'T??
WHY?
WHY AM I THE ONE THAT HAS TO CHANGE?
NO ONE ELSE DOES!
JUST ME!
I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH EVERYTHING!
EVERYONE ELSE IS RIGHT AND I'M WRONG!
AND I'M TIRED OF IT!!!!!!
:aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh:
:fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:
:pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:
:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

And of course, it's MY FAULT because I SHOULDN'T HAVE POSTED WHAT I POSTED IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!!!

IT'S NEVER THEIR FAULT!  IT'S ALWAYS MY FAULT!
ALWAYS!
IT IS NEVER THEIR FAULT!
NEVER!
IT'S ALWAYS MINE!!!
ALWAYS!
I ALWAYS HAVE TO KNOW THE RIGHT THING TO DO, SAY, BE!!!
AND I WILL ALWAYS BE THE ONE CRITICIZED!
BUT I CAN'T DO THE CRITICIZING!!!!
I HAVE TO BE NICE AND SWEET AND GOOD!
BUT NO ONE HAS TO TREAT ME THAT WAY!

:pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:
:aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh:
:blowup: :blowup: :blowup: :blowup:

I think what is making me so angry is this:  I'm getting the impression that people can treat me any way they want to, and I CAN DO NOTHING ABOUT IT.  NOTHING.

I couldn't do anything about it when I was being bullied and I couldn't do anything about it when I was being spiritually abused. 

And now I can't do anything when people disagree with me and I HAVE NO RESPONSE.

THEY ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
I NEVER DO.

o, allie, i am so with you on this.  you've been able to put into words what i've only had in my head.  it's so frustrating, so infuriating, so frickin' unfair.

i'm terrible at thinking on my feet, terrible at debating.  it has seemed that every time i've gotten angry about something, i've had it slammed in my face 10 times harder.  as much as i've usually tolerated anger from others, because i believe we all have a right to get angry at times, i've rarely ever had that same courtesy paid me.

it totally sucks.

i've got no words of wisdom for you, just want to let you know you're not alone with this.   it's happened to me too many times in my life.  i've ended up backing away from most everyone.   i couldn't take it anymore, either.   big hug to you, allie.  sounds like we might be in the same boat on this one. 

 :hug: to you, allie. We will listen. We won't tell you you're wrong.

I have opinions about who should pay for health care.  I'd rather not get into details because that delves into politics, and I want to respect the differences that I know we have. 

Some years ago, I was told on an email list that because of my opinions about who should pay for health care, I didn't care too much about my son with autism. 

Frankly, I was offended and insulted, and I said so. 

It was made very clear to me by other members of that group that the other person was "trying to make a point" and that I shouldn't be "so insulted". 

I ended up leaving that group.  And I'm still angry about what was said.  I don't wish the people ill, but I really resent being told that I don't care about my son. 

And even though I don't like having to take advantage of certain programs to help with health care, what it all boils down to is, it's necessary in order to pay for stuff. 

Because of my feelings and beliefs, I feel like a hypocrite because I don't want to use the programs but find myself in a position where I need to.  I don't mean to sound obtuse, but I also don't want to be offensive to people. 

I have survived and I do feel better!!! 

 :thumbup:

yay, you!

Here's my frustration on self-care, specifically exercise:

I tried walking, and then pulled a muscle in my calf.
So I switched to swimming, and then my schedule ended up crowding out the time I had blocked out to go swimming.  And right now, I am dealing with a skin rash (probably eczema) so I'm not really sure I can go to the pool.
There's bike riding, but I need to blow up my tires.
And I can't afford a gym.
Our church has an exercise room, and I walked the treadmill there on Monday.
The day after, I got up, was exhausted, then went back to bed for two hours.
And it's a 30 minute drive one way to the building.
So what do I do?

i used to do dance moves while watching tv.  totally low impact, was barely moving my legs, but got my arms, head, and torso going and i could work up a sweat like that (if that's your goal).  any kind of movement, really, will help. 

i know it can get frustrating.  i also used to walk back and forth slowly in front of the tv for 20 min. or so when i couldn't walk outdoors anymore.  again, very low impact, forwards and backwards.  i felt like it was better than nothing, could do it in increments if i wanted, and no pressure on myself to go a certain speed, etc.

don't know if that helps.  there were also a lot of days when i'd do too much, so i couldn't do anything the next day either.  it ended up being kind of an experiment so as to find a balance of how much time my system could take without crashing the next day.  i also added light weights, lifting while i sat in my rocker watching tv.   it worked fine for me - was able to increase both reps and sets, and even went up a pound in weights.  then i moved, and i haven't quite gotten back on track yet.  small steps, right?   big hug, allie, and i hope you find something that suits you.

My BFF is coming to visit today, and while I'll be glad to see her, I'm very anxious.

I thought we had an inflatable bed, but my husband couldn't find it.  He's offered to sleep on the floor in the living room and let BFF and I have the bed.  I'd rather not because I'm not comfortable sleeping with someone else besides DH.  I just ordered an inflatable bed for pickup today at Walmart.  I need to get more groceries.  And our upstairs toilet needs a new valve.  And I need to make clam chowder for tonight.  And I didn't go to Weight Watchers because I can't find my book for it.  Tomorrow I am helping with a baby shower and I need to get a fruit plate that will help feed 35 people.  I also need to get a gift bag for my shower gift (I ended up getting her some baby wipes.) 

My BFF is worried about me and I also worry about her.  We are both dealing with high levels of stress.  She is caregiver for her mom-in-law, who lives with her and her husband, and at times she feels trapped.  She's also very concerned about a young man who's like a son to her and who has been dealing with serious legal problems.  LIke me, she's a writer, and she's having a rough time finding time to write.  (I'm having the same problem.)  Neither of us like the state of current affairs in our country.  She's not quite as pessimistic as I am, though.

We both belong to the same denomination, but there are things my particular church group does that hers does not, and with some practices, people feel so strongly that they have actually left places that have changed worship styles.  I don't want to argue with BFF about the way we do things at our church.  On the other hand, I'm so anxious about ANY sort of disagreement with anyone that I fear I am projecting my fear onto her.   

My anxiety symptoms are extreme tension all over the body and butterflies in the stomach.  I end up talking too much, probably too fast, and say things that are silly and don't make a lot of sense.  Arrgh.

allie, like wife2 would say, 'breathe'.  one breath in, one breath out, and again till you can slow yourself down.  even reading about all the things on your mind about your bff coming to visit was exhausting to me.   i just hope you can enjoy each other while she's with you, and everything goes smoothly.  best to you.  big hug.

She made it here safely and I don't feel quite as anxious.  I got the inflatable bed, and the valve, made the clam chowder (that will also be tonight's dinner), got the gift bag, picked up the fruit this morning.

And BFF is totally ignoring me because she is playing Magic: The Gathering with my husband. :-)  That's not a bad thing.  My husband doesn't get to play as much as he would like to so I'm OK with them playing the game together. 

BFF says that our job this weekend is to "chill".  So I am going to "chill".

We chilled this weekend!!  My BFF fit in at the shower we went to and also at church.  She needed to chill, I needed to chill, and we did a good job of chilling.

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

so very glad it went well for both of you, allie.   big hug!

See the doc Tuesday for a bad rash. 

Have a messy house and end up beating myself up for it.  My biggest problem is this constant feeling of being overwhelmed.

The rash is being treated with prescription ointment.

This has been a bad week.  My house is cluttered.  I don't feel like I can say, think, or do anything without offending someone, even when I don't mean to offend them.  Current events are seeping into my social media feed again.  I'm not sleeping well.  My son is driving me crazy.  And I can't get my act together. 

:fallingbricks: :'( :blowup:

I'm sorry to hear that Allie. :( Remember to take a few deep breaths every now and then.
Perhaps you can try and remove yourself from all these annoyances, like avoiding social media for a day, or decluttering the house a little. I've had to do these things before and they help me immensely whenever I get too overwhelmed.

 :blowup: :blowup: :blowup: :blowup:

:aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh:

MORE CURRENT EVENTS ARE CREEPING IN!!!
PEOPLE JUST WON'T STOP ARGUING!!
STOP IT!!!

EVEN WITH OTHER CHRISTIANS, I DON'T FEEL LIKE I CAN EXPRESS MYSELF AND BE SAFE!!!!
EVERYONE THINKS THEY'RE RIGHT!!!
AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO TO CHANGE THINGS BECAUSE PEOPLE WON'T LISTEN TO ME!!
NOTHING I DO MATTERS!!!!
NOTHING!!
THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO CHANGE THINGS!!!
NOTHING!!!
I HAVE NO HOPE.  I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT'S RIGHT OR WRONG, WHAT I SHOULD THINK OR WHAT I SHOULD BELIEVE!!!
I CAN'T PRAY!!
I CAN'T STUDY THE BIBLE!!!
IF I EXPRESS MY OPINIONS, I'LL JUST GET JUMPED ON!!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

Hmmm... What about a medium chill or gray rock approach?

Is the reason you can't pray or read the Bible because you're being controlled? Or are you feeling stuck? Sorry for so many questions. I'm here if you want to talk. Feel free to send me a private message our email, too.

I care.  :hug:

allie, if i may suggest - know in your own heart that you have your own truth, and it is the right one for you.  your perspective is yours, your opinions are yours, and your worldview is yours, and they are all valid.  you don't have to argue with anyone, don't have to try to get them to hear you, and you don't have to try to persuade them that there is another way.

you can just back out of their stuff and know that your own is true and right for you.  they may believe they are right, they may not want to listen to you or your viewpoints, but they are not you, don't live your life, and don't have your history.  they have nothing on you at all.

it is nothing but frustrating to be around people like that.   i'm listening, i hear you, i validate you.  i'm sure there are others here who feel the same way.   just take care of yourself as best you can.  big hug full of warmth, caring, and peace.

 :yeahthat:

Quote from: Three Roses on September 25, 2017, 01:42:18 AM
Hmmm... What about a medium chill or gray rock approach?

Is the reason you can't pray or read the Bible because you're being controlled? Or are you feeling stuck? Sorry for so many questions. I'm here if you want to talk. Feel free to send me a private message our email, too.

I care.  :hug:

I feel more stuck than anything.  And underlying all of this is the despair that things will never, ever get any better.

I'm not in the screaming mood of yesterday but I still feel in despair.  My dermatologist says that I have spongiotic dermatitis . . . which basically means, I have a red, itchy rash.  We knew that already.  He took another biopsy and will call me with the results.

I've just plain had it.  Things are never going to get any better.  Not with me and not with the world around me.

 :hug:

I feel much better today, thank goodness!  Had a talk with my counselor today about "reasonable expectations".  I'm not always sure what are reasonable expectations and what are not reasonable expectations.

Great to hear you are doing better! 😊
I can totally relate to not quite knowing what reasonable expectations are,  but I hope you got some  some answers with your T today.

I'm sitting in Burger King, working on writing . . .and because the news is on, I also have headphones on and Spotify turned up as far as I can safely listen without it damaging my hearing!  (Self-care, anyone?)

Quote from: alliematt on October 03, 2017, 11:13:41 PM
I'm sitting in Burger King, working on writing . . .and because the news is on, I also have headphones on and Spotify turned up as far as I can safely listen without it damaging my hearing!  (Self-care, anyone?)

:applause:  :hug:

How did your writing come along?
Sounds like a smart plan to get out of the house to get some work done! Good going!

So after a decent evening . . . I didn't sleep well last night. 
This morning I got results from a blood draw I had last week, and I'm going to see my endocrinologist on Friday to go over them.
My thyroid is OK. 
My blood sugar and A1C . . . not so much.
My sugar was 127.
My A1C was 5.7 (one tenth of a point over "normal" range.)
I look like a bloated cow.
I haven't exercised.  I tried to walk--pulled a calf muscle.  Tried to swim--schedule got in the way and now, with this skin rash (which isn't related to the swimming) I'm worried that pool water might make it worse.  Tried to walk the treadmill--my knee started hurting.  Tried a knee sleeve--the knee sleeve keeps sliding, and I have the largest size available.  I have a bike and I put a seat on it where it shouldn't put pressure on my crotch, but I need to pump up the tires--and I'm not sure how well I can ride this bike with a special seat.
I'm afraid of being lectured harshly by the doc.  But I deserve this lecture.  I'm eating too many carbs and sweets.  It's my own fault.
Earlier this week I had another spell of adrenal fatigue.
I've proofed about 250-275 pages since Monday.  I didn't take any work today because I helped serve lunch at our seniors' Bible study group, I have praise team practice tonight, and knew I just wouldn't have time. 
I've gotten emails back showing mistakes I've made on the proofing.  I'm not concentrating enough and I'm afraid of making too many mistakes. :-(
My laundry needs to be put away.
I've been having thoughts of "no one likes me" (even though that's not true; there are plenty of people who do like me.) 
Because of the amount of proofing I was doing, yesterday I missed the ladies' group I'm part of. 
I'm sure part of my frustration is the cumulative effect of a list of health problems:  back pain, sleep apnea, adrenal fatigue, bladder problems, overweight . . .
How do you feed a group of people stuff that's healthy when one person is a picky eater (my son)?
It is too much.  It is all too much.  It has been too much for years and years and years and I see no way out. 
Isn't that a sign of C-PTSD?  Chronic entrapment in a situation where there's no way out?

Driving in the car this morning, I thought about how easy it would be to turn the wheel and wreck it.  I'm NOT planning to do that, but there are just times I feel so totally overwhelmed.

I feel alone.  And lonely.  I have felt lonely since I moved into my own apartment in 1990.  I don't make friends easy, and to pick up the phone and ask someone to spend time with me is very, very difficult, because I'm afraid of hearing "no".  People are busy, they have their own families, and who has time to spend with me? 

The woman who is my best friend lives in another state.  I don't have a best friend here.  I don't have anyone I can call just to hang out with.  And the last time anyone asked us for dinner just to ask us for dinner (in other words, not because we were part of a group together) was back when our son was about seven or eight, and he's eighteen now. 

Someone asked me back in college, don't you know how to make friends?

My answer, then and now:  Probably not. 

 :hug:
I'm sorry you feel so alone, alliematt. Wish I could think of something to say to ease your loneliness.

Quote from: Three Roses on October 04, 2017, 09:43:28 PM
:hug:
I'm sorry you feel so alone, alliematt. Wish I could think of something to say to ease your loneliness.

I know.  I appreciate it.  I'm having a day where I just don't feel like I fit anywhere.  I know my major fear at the moment:  I am afraid of being yelled at by my doc for not taking care of myself.

 :bighug: It's not easy to make friends, especially in adulthood. I'm with three roses, also wish I could do something to ease your lonelineness

What do you do when the idea of just doing anything just seems so overwhelming?

And oh, I forgot to share that yesterday, we ran out of money in the checking account.  I made a fast transfer from savings so that helped.

Well!!

The doctor's appointment I'd been dreading went off MUCH, MUCH better than I thought. It turns out that although my A1C and blood sugar registered "high" on the bloodwork I had done, my A1C actually *dropped* from the last time I'd seen the endocrinologist.

My actual glucose had been 127 on the lab report. The doc told me that that was NORMAL for a *non-fasting* test. (I told him that I'd had a pumpkin-spiced latte before I had my bloodwork done. He reminded me that that was a treat, not a staple. ;-)

He asked me about exercise and when I told him that I'd been having trouble being consistent--and that my knee had been hurting on the treadmill--he suggested I try a recumbent bike and/or water aerobics. He was very nice about it, not scolding like I feared.

All my other bloodwork (thyroid, etc.) is normal.  And to top everything off, I LOST two pounds at Weight Watchers today!

I kicked myself for my fear as I went back to my car, then said that I was only allowed to beat myself up until I got out of the parking lot.

I feel as if I have been released from this appointment I see him again in six months. Wheeee!!!!!

(Now, to go back to one of those entries where I listed everything I'm dealing with and figure out a way to break some of my issues down into more manageable pieces!)

Good news, love it!

Quote from: alliematt on October 06, 2017, 03:39:26 PM
He asked me about exercise and when I told him that I'd been having trouble being consistent--and that my knee had been hurting on the treadmill--he suggested I try a recumbent bike and/or water aerobics. He was very nice about it, not scolding like I feared.

I'm really happy for you that your doc reacted like this. Scolding doesn't work with me, and it doesn't sound as if it does for you either. If there's so much stuff going on, you feel ready to collapse, there are often valid reasons for not being able to force oneself to do x y and z.
My docs are like this too. More encouraging than anything else, and pointing out progress where I don't see it myself.

So happy to hear about this Allie. ;D
It's always such a relief when something you've been stressing over actually turns out to be far better than expected. :)

Great to hear your appointment went good!  :cheer:

At the moment, I'm in a reasonably stable place.  This doesn't mean that I won't have experiences that will "throw me off", so to speak. 

What I'm not pleased with is that I have a UTI at the moment; had to trot myself off to urgent care because I called the urologist I see and she can't see me until MONDAY (and it was this past Tuesday I made that call).  UTIs are nothing to sneeze at. 

Annnddd, the rash on my legs is still around.  It's rather discouraging to be dealing with so many physical problems.  But I am still here!

(This entry is about a bad dream and may trigger people.) 






I dreamt about a bombing last night.  I think it's because I looked up a movie I saw many years ago which was about terrorists with a nuclear bomb.  Part of the dream involved me being at school and looking for shelter with a bunch of people, and when the bomb went off, we needed to get and stay away from the windows.

I had a backpack with me with a journal, and for some reason, I wasn't supposed to have the journal; so I sneaked it open and in the entry for the day, I wrote the single word, "Bomb."

Later, we were in another building--I think it may have been a church--and we were eating leftovers from the people who were there.

At one point, I had called my old home phone number.  No one was there, but I left a message saying that I was alive, and I loved them. 

I saw the two kids of a member of my current church and I asked them if they knew if their parents were okay.  I don't remember what they said.

My husband DID show up in this dream, and I gave him a very big hug and told him how glad I was he was there.  That was at least one good part of this dream!

Mom is back in the hospital with another blood clot.  It's been removed but the doc isn't sure how well the surgery went.  The blood flow down is good.  It's the flow back up that's the problem. 

AND, I've been struggling with a skin rash ALL SUMMER LONG AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S CAUSING IT!!!!!!!!!

It is ALL OVER.  ALL OVER my legs, my bottom, and now my abdomen. 

I don't KNOW if I have an allergy to a particular detergent.  I don't KNOW if I have had a reaction to a particular fabric.

I DON'T KNOW!!!!!

:stars: :pissed: :fallingbricks:

I'm really sorry to hear about that Alliematt. ^^" Hope things will get better for you asap.

At the moment, I'm in a state of distracted limbo.  I saw my mother this past weekend.  She's now in hospice.  I keep waiting for my sister to call or text to tell me she's died.  I also have a sore throat.

I'm taking the next two days to get better physically and just to plain grieve.  My stress level is at 10 out of 10.

Standing with you as you go thru this difficult time, alliematt. My thoughts are with you....

right by your side, allie.  you're not alone.  sending a hug filled with lilac scent and comfort.

Thank you all.  This is a little like waiting to go into labor--you know it's going to happen, you just don't know when.

Still no word on Mom.  And I've been dealing with a scratchy throat all this week; I have used that as a reason or excuse not to do certain things . . . and I actually have been feeling much less stressed, even though I'm still waiting on Mom to die.

It's selfish to say this, but . . . I went last week to tell my mother good-bye, and she has the nerve to still be alive a week later. <mild sarcasm here>  That's more of an observation on how long the dying process takes. 

And on the other hand, I've been lazy, playing around too much on the computer, and falling into the habit of staying up too late and then sleeping too late in the morning.  I'm having a rough time getting a handle on a decent schedule.

i hope you can be patient and gentle with yourself, allie.  you are in an uncomfortable place, and i'm not surprised your schedule is out of whack.  it's ok to be messy at times like these.    big hug filled with comfort as you go through this rough patch.

A friend who has been in a similar spot told me that it might take a while.  So I feel less guilty for carrying on with so-called "normal" life while waiting for Mom's dying to take place.

(Note:  There is religious content here for those who are triggered by it.)


What's interesting is that with my mother's dying, I have not really been obsessing on other issues from my past.  I guess my current circumstances have a way of putting a lot of things into perspective.

My prayer is that her passing will be peaceful.  As a Christian, I am concerned about her soul . . . There's a verse in the Bible that says that "mercy triumphs over judgment".  I believe God is just, and He is also merciful, and this verse says that mercy triumphs over judgment.  I believe He will do the right thing where my mother is concerned.

i believe god, the universe, the creator, the great spirit - whatever one believes in - will take care of what we aren't able.  i hope for peace for your mother as well as for you.  blessings, allie.

Today I am tense.

EXTREMELY, EXTREMELY, EXTREMELY TENSE.

Mom died last week.  I'm still in the "weird phase of grief".

But that's not what's causing me the tension.

Ever since this past Tuesday/Wednesday, I have been having problems with my computer connecting with my WiFi.

I thought it was a problem with the ISP.  Well, they just left. 

I did System Restore on the computer.

It has not solved the problem.

This morning, my husband WOKE ME UP probably just to snuggle.  Sometimes in the mornings, when we get up together, he will start to talk.  And talk.  And talk.  And talk.  And talk.  And I can't always process a lot of conversation all at once.  I don't want to be rude and tell him to "shut up!" 

Then my son constantly hunts me down to show me stuff he's seeing on his iPad.

And then SHRIEKS along with whatever he's watching.

Combine this with my frustrations with my computer (which I HAVE to have because I work from home!) and I'm about ready to blow!

And oh yeah, Saturdays my husband does ask, what would you like for breakfast?  Am I a horrible person because sometimes I don't WANT him to make me breakfast EVERY SINGLE SATURDAY?  Or that I don't necessarily WANT him to make me something for dinner on Saturdays when I don't cook?  (I do not cook dinner Saturday or Sunday.  I put everyone on their own for dinner.)  I know he's trying to be nice, but sometimes I really feel hovered over.

Awww Allie, that must be tough.

It's natural for you to be so easily stressed out by other people after your mother's passing. You're not going to fully heal after a few days of this. And this stress is bound to affect multiple areas in your life — including your relationships. Take care, and I hope you can rest.

Here's a  :hug:. If that's okay.

Last night I lost sleep over current events in the news.  And I went off on a good friend about those issues.

I feel if I say, I support victims of sexual abuse and they need to be believed, I run the risk of hearing, "Well, what about false accusations?"  (I can think of people who reported crimes that turned out to be false.  So false accusations happen.)

I feel if I say, We need to gather up the facts and examine them before drawing any conclusions, I run the risk of hearing, "But you don't support victims!" 

I don't know how to protect the dignity and safety of a victim AND the rights of the accused.

And the particular current event I'm referring to does deal with a person who calls themselves a Christian, so that has an impact on me as a Christian.  I no longer trust male leaders in evangelical Christianity or conservative politics.  If they don't abuse people, they support the abusers.

allie, it's a tough row to hoe, for sure.  i get ticked off when i hear about people who make false accusations - they really mess it up for all those whose abuse/trauma was real.  still, i believe there are a lot more people who are speaking the truth about what's happened to them.  unless something feels out of line, i tend to support them unequivocally.

other people are going to have their own opinions about this issue - there's no getting around it.  we're not all going to agree, as you know, but i don't have to explain myself and my beliefs to anyone who doesn't agree with me, or who challenges me.  that just sounds like someone spoiling for a fight, or looking for a way to make you feel foolish, which i don't think is right at all.

i think the best thing is not to engage in these challenges.  i've been there too many times, and always ended up feeling confused and like i couldn't 'win'.  i often drop or change the subject, or even say something about i know what i believe but don't feel like talking about it right now.  i don't like such challenges cuz i think there's always a hidden agenda, and it most often is to make you stumble all over yourself.

just my opinions, allie.  i know you'll do what's best for you.  keep taking care of you.  big hug to you.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on November 14, 2017, 07:40:34 PM
  still, i believe there are a lot more people who are speaking the truth about what's happened to them.  unless something feels out of line, i tend to support them unequivocally.

Oh, I agree with you.  I also think there's a lot more people speaking the truth about abuse that happened to them than there are people speaking falsely.  I would hope that I'd have the reaction along the lines of, "That was wrong, and I'm sorry it happened. " And then, give as much support as possible, hooking them up with necessary help, being with them through legal process if necessary, etc. 

One social media friend is extremely angry about this particular news event, and I think I know why.  She was the victim of a sexual assault and shamed into keeping quiet.  I've never been in that position, so I can't completely relate. 

Although I am still terribly frustrated about current events, I did do something that was rather empowering today.

I got a notice that a savings account I'd forgotten about had been closed out. I panicked at first because I didn't realize that there was a significant amount of money there. But, I called the bank, who said that the funds were considered unclaimed property, and I needed to get in touch with my state office of unclaimed property. I called them. They're sending the claims forms out in the mail.

After I hung up, I felt so empowered.

yay, you!  way to go, allie!!!

Still here and still in a decent place.  I'm not please with current events going on in the world, but I'm taking a step back and trying to stay detached.

 :cheer: I  am glad to hear you are in a decent place! Detaching from the news and media can  be quite helpful for a while

Ditto :D

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Today I am sleepy.  I have pages to proofread.  I had an energy crash yesterday.  i think my skin is breaking out again.  Physically speaking, I have so many conditions I don't even know where to start.  I feel like the woman in the Bible who spent all she had on doctors and instead, kept getting worse.

i hear ya on that physical stuff, allie.  standing right beside you, sweetie.  big hug.

It's amazing what stress can do to us physically. Hoping you get a chance to relax & recharge soon.  :hug:

I can relate. I've gotten physically sick from the stress a few days ago and it wasn't fun. Hope you can get some rest, Allie.

RANT:

I am still in my bathrobe at the moment.
Yesterday the only thing that saved me was that my son didn't have his church group last night (which I would have had to drive him to.)
Laundry is still in the basket.
Monday night we had a power outage.  I woke up realizing that my CPAP wasn't working.  I set my iPhone for 4:30 to get my husband and son up just in case the power didn't come back on.  They ended up getting themselves up anyway.  I didn't sleep well that night, and the next day, I had a Christmas party with my ladies' church group.  (I did have a good time.)
Then I had over 100 pages to proof and some of them were nightmarish.
And last night our Orkin man showed up unexpectedly after trying to get us on the phone.  We need to have our crawlspace encapsulated, and it's going to cost a pretty penny, which my husband wants to pay all at once, which I don't think we can afford.
I stayed up until nearly 11 p.m. last night proofing.
And I'm still tired this morning.
And I have to keep going.

:fallingbricks:

I hope you van take some much-needed down time in the midst of all this! Have you tried visiting the Healing Porch? Its imagery can be very soothing.

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=8269.msg57828#msg57828

i'll be on the healing porch today, allie, if you want some company, or just someone to sit quietly with.    listen to the waves rolling in - that's a lulling sound for me, and i can use it today.  hope to see you there.  big hug.

 :hug: Allie. Sometimes a quick trip to the Healing Porch or some other calming, nurturing visualisation can do wonders.

No words, allie. Just a hug.

:hug:

We recently had a visit from the Orkin man, and what it all boils down to is that we need $2600 worth of work done on our crawlspace, which means Christmas is going to be skimpy. (The work got done on Monday.  We just need to pay the bill, and the bill will start to come in February.)

When my husband told our son that we wouldn't have any presents under the tree due to the expense of the crawlspace, I thought, "Not if I can help it."

Yesterday I got five tins at Dollar Tree.  Today I plan to bake.  A couple of the tins will be filled with baked goods.  One of the tins will have a (used) power pack and charger for my son's cell phone.  And I am making my son a hat to wear when he watches Doctor Who (striped blue and white). 

Also, when I told my counselor yesterday about the finances, at the end of the session, she waived my co-pay.

So I'm pretty pleased with myself.

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

 :cheer:

you brought such a big smile to my face, allie.  how creative are you!  very happy for you and your son is one lucky kid.  big hug, sweetie.

Yay Allie  :cheer: :cheer:  I love your creativity too and your get-up-and-go. Sounds like resilience to me, making sure your son is going to get presents under the tree.

Everyday ingenuity at its finest. . . .

:cheer:  :cheer:  :cheer:

Tis the day after Christmas and . . .

Thanks to the generosity of several people, I was able to go to Walmart and BUY presents!!  I ended up getting a couple of movies for my husband, some chargers and a portable battery for my son, and also some pajama pants for my son as well. 

I also used the gift cards to order several more movies for myself (and a couple of birthday presents for my husband; his birthday is in February) and also to get a wireless printer which I've been wanting for some time. 

Now that Christmas is over, it's back to the regularly scheduled mayhem.   :)

so very happy to hear that, allie.  sounds like it was christmas in the truest sense of the concept of what this season is supposed to be about.  very glad for both you and your family.

warm, loving hug to you, sweetie. 

It can be a breath of fresh air to have such a nice Christmas break after all the stress, huh?

Well, good luck.  :hug:

I'm currently cold, as are many residents of the South and the East Coast.  I'm curled up next to the space heater. 

keep warm and stay safe, dear alllie.  thinking of all of you out there.  big warmth-giving hug.

I don't enjoy the cold either, allie. Hope you can keep warm.

:hug:

Arrgh!!!  Not dealing with C-PTSD as much as I am just dealing with stress . . .

:aaauuugh:

Our washer died last week (it was delivering our clothes to us sopping wet).  A repair person said that our gear case and clutch wasn't working and wanted nearly $500 to fix it.  We could BUY another washer with that!

In the meantime, we had a LOT of laundry to do.  So Friday:
I weighed in at Weight Watchers
I went to see my counselor
On the way home, I nearly turned left on a RED ARROW (I was thinking about other stuff and was distracted)
After lunch, I took the laundry to a laundromat, only to find that the change machine didn't work
Took the laundry to another laundromat and ended up using nearly five or six machines
Got dinner out because I knew that I wouldn't be able to cook
Discovered that I had LEFT laundry behind
Went back to the laundromat where I discovered that I had left not ONE, but TWO loads of laundry behind, one in a dryer, one in a washer!!!

Yesterday we went to Home Depot and ordered a new washer.  It will be here Thursday.

:fallingbricks:
:spooked:

 :hug:

Eeep!
That sounds stressfull as *!
Good job on handling it so well, and doing all those other chores and appointments as well!  :cheer:

And to top it all off:

We have possible ice on the roads this morning, PLUS the National Championship football game (for college football), PLUS the President is coming to town to watch it. . .  SO . . .

School was canceled for today
My husband just left for work (normally he's gone by before 6 a.m. and its nearly 10 a.m. now)
I had to cancel an appointment of my son"s
AND THEN . . .
since my computer"s Wi-Fi has been acting up, I"ve been using a plug-in that goes into my USB port to access the Internet.
This morning, I BROKE IT.
I accidentally kicked it as I was sitting down with the computer.
My husband has the car so I cant get it replaced right now.
I WILL Have to eventually get the computer fixed, because that is how I earn my living. 

:aaauuugh:
:fallingbricks:
:spooked:

Wow, that's a LOT of stress!!! I think I'd just want to curl up in bed with a good book and ignore everything for a while.  :hug:

I did barely anything yesterday.  I played a lot on the iPad and iPhone.  Watched TV.  Did go and get a new Wi-Fi adapter so I could get back on the Internet.

 :thumbup: :applause:

Sometimes we all need those days where we don't do anything.

Annd, in other news . . .

We got a new washer (yay!)

I feel sick.
The dryer isn't connected (don't know why)
I hope I don't have the flu.

Sometimes it's not one big bad thing, but many little bad things that add up. Sorry to hear that.  :hug:

Yep.  It's the long list of little things that add up.  And THAT is what gets me sometimes.

Today has been a bad day.  I just want to scream at everyone. 

:aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh:

I don't know what I am supposed to believe anymore.
And I'm so confused about everything that I don't even know what questions I'm supposed to ask!

That can be so frustrating. Can I send you warmth and hugs to help with the frustration?  :hug:

Thank you for the hugs.

Underneath all of my frustration and the questioning is the belief that there are no answers.

Here are some more hugs  :grouphug:  :hug:  :hug:

It sounds as if you could be in an EF. Sometimes it helps me to take active steps to get out of it and sometimes it helps me to lie low and ride it out. So when I lie low, I try and do self-soothing and nurturing things - that tends to help when I believe something. In other forms of EF e.g. frightened of something concrete or hopping mad about something, then active steps are more helpful. That may not apply to you of course.

Depressed all day.  And ashamed of myself for feeling depressed.

:'( :'( :'(
:fallingbricks:
:spooked:

Aww. It sounds like you could need a hug.
If it's okay, I'd love to give you a big, warm hug.  :hug:

It's okay to be depressed. I promise that.  :hug:

I've been sick for a week with the flu.  And now my husband has been furloughed. 

I don't know what I believe.  I don't know what it is I'm supposed to believe, either.  I wonder if I even know who I am anymore.  I can't figure out who's telling the truth and who's lying.  People take facts and twist them for their own agendas.  And when all else fails, the people who scream the loudest and throw the biggest tantrums get their own way.

I'm sorry to hear what happened, Allie, getting sick and confused of life.

Clarity comes best when you're rested, so take care of yourself. It's a suggestion — but separating first hand experience with second or third hand experience allows some clarity for me.

:hug:

awww, allie, i hope you're feeling better.  being sick certainly colors everything else, distorts things out of perspective, and clouds our thinking processes. 

so very sorry about your hub.  that kind of crap doesn't help anything one bit.  i hope it's temporary (i'm thinking 'furloughed' means he got laid off from his job.  if it's that he's on furlough from the service, then maybe it's a good thing).

keep taking care of yourself as best as possible.  plenty of fluids, rest, pain relievers to keep the fever down, all that motherly advice that comes from caring.   warm, loving hug (from a distance - i don't want to get the flu!)

Quote from: sanmagic7 on January 22, 2018, 04:49:05 PM
awww, allie, i hope you're feeling better.  being sick certainly colors everything else, distorts things out of perspective, and clouds our thinking processes. 

so very sorry about your hub.  that kind of crap doesn't help anything one bit.  i hope it's temporary (i'm thinking 'furloughed' means he got laid off from his job.  if it's that he's on furlough from the service, then maybe it's a good thing).

keep taking care of yourself as best as possible.  plenty of fluids, rest, pain relievers to keep the fever down, all that motherly advice that comes from caring.   warm, loving hug (from a distance - i don't want to get the flu!)

My husband's a federal government worker and the government was shut down over the weekend because the children -- err, Congress -- don't know how to play nicely and agree on a budget.  They have reached a temporary agreement so he'll be going back tomorrow. 

I am feeling better but I'm trying not to push myself too hard.

Glad you're feeling better. Take care,  :hug:

Where in the heck do I start?

I keep complaining about how I have "so much on my plate".  I don't even know where to start to enumerate everything.

Healthwise, I have back pain, pelvic pain (due to interstitial cystitis, a bladder problem), painful sex, sleep apnea, depression, anxiety, C-PTSD, OCD, TMJ, possible adrenal fatigue, dermatitis of unknown cause,  obesity, pre-diabetes, thyroid problems.  I'm on anti-depressants, use a CPAP, go to counseling, and take thyroid meds.  I also see a chiropractor for the back pain.  I wear a mouth guard at night for the TMJ.  I talk to you guys for the C-PTSD.  :) I take gabapentin for the pelvic pain/IC.  I need to exercise, but sometimes that makes the adrenal fatigue/back pain worse.  Regular doctors don't always seem to help, but alternative doctors cost an arm and a leg.  One alternative clinic had me on over 20 supplements at one time and wanted me to eat organic, gluten-free, and low carb.  I can't afford that and no one else in my house will eat it.

Financialwise, I'm still paying back student loans and credit card debt.  We have a mortgage.  We have improvements to the house we need to make (a leaky room for starters) and there are things I want to do (paint the walls).  I don't know if I need to make more money.  My husband is taking all the overtime he can to pay for the crawlspace repairs.  If I take more work, I run the risk of wearing myself out.  And with taking myself to the doctor and my son to appointments, I'm afraid to take a "regular" job because of the time I'd end up asking off. 

With my son, there's assistance we HAVE to apply for.  My husband keeps saying "we" need to do it . . . and then, when does HE have time to help?  We also need to clean out his room.  And his autism behaviors drive me up the wall.  I am so tired of his incessant babbling about the same subjects over and over, and him constantly coming downstairs and shoving the iPod/iPad in my face.  And what happens to him when we're gone?  We don't have family here.  It's hard to ask family,"will you take care of my son if anything happened to us?"  Never mind people that we know that aren't family.  I'm afraid that the only option that will end up being left for him is some sort of state institution where he'll run the risk of being assaulted and where no one will take care of him and love him like we do.  And I'm also afraid of there being no "safety net" for him when he needs it.  THAT'S why we got into so much debt with my student loans!  I wanted something that would be flexible to give my son resources where we wouldn't have to depend on a safety net.  That backfired, and now any money I earn goes to pay back debt.  (There are some days I feel so ashamed of myself for digging such a deep financial hole.)  Plus, my son would rather hole up in his room with his electronics.  That's not a life!  He needs friends, and while people at church like him very much, he doesn't do anything outside of church and the school program he's in.  And as you all can tell, I'm overwhelmed enough with my own issues.  I can't solve his as well.  My husband doesn't want to push my son into things that he doesn't want to do . . . and while I understand him wanting our son to have a say in what he does, what our son WANTS to do is hole up in his room, play with the electronics, and go to church activities.  I think he'd like to work at the church building, but that may or may not happen.  (I could almost see my son getting offered a job, my husband asking our son, do you want to take the job?, our son saying no, and my husband saying, okay, it's his choice . . . and our son not gettinganother job offer.)

Faithwise, I need/want to know God.  But how do you know God when everyone believes they are right and can "prove" it by Scripture, which is the way that you get to know God?  People can make the Bible say anything they want, and they can and do use it to manipulate people and hold power over them.  I want a God of love, but I am often afraid that he will end up sending me to * because I got something wrong.

I want to write.  When do I find time?  I am working on a novel, but I am thoroughly paralyzed by "getting it right" and the fear of "getting it wrong".  I have to work.  That cuts into writing time. 

There's the household.  I cannot keep this house clean.  I hate chores.  I have a chore chart but don't always follow it.  And as I noted above, there are things we need to do and I want to do, but the money just is not there.

My husband needs to be taken care of.  I worry about him because he works a lot because we need the money. 

I worry about current events because, as with religion, everyone lies and they can "prove" they are "right".  People can twist everything to make themselves look good and sound right.  And I don't debate well.  I end up going "uh-uh-uh-uh-uh".  I also have a problem with either getting interrupted or not being able to break into a conversation because the flow is such that I can't break in without either being rude or running the risk of getting interrupted. 

Finally, I have past issues.  I constantly struggle with self-esteem as the result of being bullied and being abused spiritually.  Why did the bullies bully me?  I didn't do anything to deserve that.  I hear this voice in my head saying that no one likes me--which mentally, I know isn't true, but emotionally?  Hah!  I don't feel like I'm in the "in crowd" and I've never been one of the "cool kids".  I feel ugly and unattractive, fat, cheap, tacky, frumpy, and shabby. 

And I don't believe that it's ever going to change.

my dearest allie, thank you for sharing all this.  like you said, it is soooooo much that you're dealing with.  if there was anything i could do to help, i would, i hope you know that.  as it is, i can only lend my support and let you know that you're not going thru this alone.

i totally get where you're coming from on the medical front.  too many ills, not enough understanding from docs, alternative medicine is a labyrinth of 'wish i could, but realistically i can't', so much is intertwined it's difficult if not impossible to see a way out.  put an autistic kid and financial problems on top of that, well, the only thing i can think of to do is step by step, minute by minute, just help me get thru this day.  that's my mantra most days - please just help me get thru today.

don't be hard on yourself for what happened, digging that hole.  you believed it was the right thing at the time, and it sounded reasonable to me.  how could you know it wouldn't work the way you planned?  you absolutely couldn't.  i hope you can give yourself a break on that one - you've got enough going on as it is without coming down on yourself as well.  you deserve support and validation for trying something that you thought would help, and you deserve it from yourself more than anyone.

yeah, the 'children'.  i chuckled over that one, but i'm glad your hub is back at work quickly.  what a freakin' mess to be entangled in.

hang tough, allie.  hang tough.  somehow, i have faith your son will be taken care of properly, no matter what.  do what you can, but be aware of your limits on all fronts.  your self-care is the most important, cuz otherwise you can't care for anyone else.   big warm loving hug to you filled with clarity and peace.   you are precious.

Dear Allie!  That is ALOT on your plate, it's so much it's going outside the plate even. I am sorry to hear you're going through all of this. Would it be possible to try and deal with only a handful of things at a time? Start with the things you HAVE to do, and then slowly move over to the other things that also needs taking care of, but aren't immediate?

About religion, and finding God. Now, I'm not Christian. I wasn't brought up in a religious home, and it's not very common to go to the church here for other than weddings, confirmations and funerals. But I do consider myself religious, I'm not sure who it is I pray to. But I do pray. I realised that I am in no position to decide Which God exists or doesn't, and neither does any other human. But that I choose to believe there is a higher power, and to him/her I do talk to. And it has made me closer to him/her, rather than listening to what other people think. A long point short, I think that finding God, is something only you can find. People have their versions of God that matters to them, their interpretations.
I don't know if this was helpful, if it was just me babbling, please feel free to ignore it all! :)

And I haven't even mentioned my mother dying.  Or that I was just sick with the flu.  Or the day-to-day stuff I have to do. 

I wrote nearly half of a journal entry in all caps today. 

:fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:
:spooked:
:'( :'(
:blowup: :blowup:

Quote from: Sceal on January 24, 2018, 06:57:50 AM
Dear Allie!  That is ALOT on your plate, it's so much it's going outside the plate even. I am sorry to hear you're going through all of this. Would it be possible to try and deal with only a handful of things at a time? Start with the things you HAVE to do, and then slowly move over to the other things that also needs taking care of, but aren't immediate?

To borrow a line from Steve Martin's character in Parenthood, "My whole life is have to!"  I don't even know where to begin!

What is WRONG with me????

I'm convinced no one likes me, even though I can point to proof that that's not true, and I can't shake how badly I feel! 

Quote from: alliematt on January 25, 2018, 03:22:31 PM
What is WRONG with me????

You have a Beast called CPTSD.

You will pull through this present phase though. We always do. You too. Things go up and then very deeply down. There comes a point in healing where things don't go so deeply down anymore. Nor for so long.  :grouphug:

Ahh, I see we are back online!

I copied and pasted my "lost" posts to a Word doc and I may just repost them here, just for my own reference.

Yes, we are back online! Feel free to repost your 'lost' posts for your own reference. That's what I'm doing too, bit by bit.

(Copying and pasting stuff that was lost during the migration):

Sanmagic said in response to an earlier post:

i echo what blueberry said, allie. this beast takes over and makes us miserable until we finally don't feel so miserable and maybe even have some clarity of thought and purpose. please be patient with yourself. there's nothing wrong with you. nothing. you are precious and valuable in the midst of everything going on, and deserve love and kindness, so i'm sending you a hug filled with both. hang tough, allie - we're hangin' right beside you.

Quote from: alliematt on February 08, 2018, 03:10:05 PM
(Copying and pasting stuff that was lost during the migration):

Sanmagic said in response to an earlier post:

i echo what blueberry said, allie. this beast takes over and makes us miserable until we finally don't feel so miserable and maybe even have some clarity of thought and purpose. please be patient with yourself. there's nothing wrong with you. nothing. you are precious and valuable in the midst of everything going on, and deserve love and kindness, so i'm sending you a hug filled with both. hang tough, allie - we're hangin' right beside you.

My response was:

I hope you all are right. Right now, what my brain is saying to me is that it's impossible to figure out the truth about anything. Everyone lies and twists facts to suit their own agenda.

I'm sorry that it seems that I'm not getting any better.

Wrote this on January 26th:

And then I was finally well enough to go to Weight Watchers today . . . AND MY HUSBAND TOOK THE CAR WITHOUT TELLING ME!!

I left a message on his cell around 9 this morning asking, did you take the car?

HE HASN'T CALLED ME BACK YET!!!!

:blowup:

Sanmagic responded with:

:blowup:
is right!

January 26th:

Well, he did apologize (and he also sounded POOPED when he got in the door.) And the poor man is working overtime tomorrow. I have plenty of issues to deal with, but my husband needs support much more than my hollering at him. I did tell him that I'd called him and left a message.

I think tomorrow calls for popcorn and a movie.

Also on January 26th:

Maybe this is an EF. I don't know.

But between the abuse sentencing of Larry Nassar this week and a video of bullying in my county's school district that went viral, I'm not having such a good time.

The girl in the video that was being bullied could have been me.

And what makes me so angry is that THE BULLIES WON.

They won the day they drove me off the bus.

THEY WON.

They got their way.

They KNEW I wouldn't fight back because the culture around me said that *I* would get in trouble if I fought back, and plus, the Bible said "turn the other cheek" . . . which I tried.

THEY WON.

There may have been times they got in trouble, but most of the time, they got away with it because there was NOTHING anyone COULD or WOULD do.

The people that win are the ones that scream the loudest and that know how to intimidate people.

If you're pretty and popular, you can get anything you want.

I'm not pretty, and I'm not popular.

Bullies win.

Quote from: alliematt on February 08, 2018, 03:17:52 PM
Also on January 26th:

Maybe this is an EF. I don't know.

But between the abuse sentencing of Larry Nassar this week and a video of bullying in my county's school district that went viral, I'm not having such a good time.

The girl in the video that was being bullied could have been me.

And what makes me so angry is that THE BULLIES WON.

They won the day they drove me off the bus.

THEY WON.

They got their way.

They KNEW I wouldn't fight back because the culture around me said that *I* would get in trouble if I fought back, and plus, the Bible said "turn the other cheek" . . . which I tried.

THEY WON.

There may have been times they got in trouble, but most of the time, they got away with it because there was NOTHING anyone COULD or WOULD do.

The people that win are the ones that scream the loudest and that know how to intimidate people.

If you're pretty and popular, you can get anything you want.

I'm not pretty, and I'm not popular.

Bullies win.

Sanmagic responded with: 

bullies suck.

bottom line, bullies suck.

the only comfort i could ever take from any of this is that the people who hurt me are very unhappy, insecure, miserable people who hate themselves and find no happiness in anything. it's a very small comfort, tho, cuz, basically, bullies suck.

i'm truly sorry you had to go thru any of that, allie. it's not right, it's not fair, and you didn't deserve it. sending you a hug filled with compassion and love.

allie, i see you're in the midst of re-posting back pages.

how are you doing otherwise?  are you feeling better?  thinking of you.  love and a big hug, sweetie.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on February 08, 2018, 03:20:56 PM
allie, i see you're in the midst of re-posting back pages.

how are you doing otherwise?  are you feeling better?  thinking of you.  love and a big hug, sweetie.

At the moment, I am watching Chicago Med on On Demand, in my bathrobe.  I consider that an act of self-care. :-)  I have work to do later and I will shower before I do that. 

I have been up and down emotionally, but last Friday I saw my pdoc and he said that since I had dropped my dose of Lamitcal (I'm not sure if I posted about my epic meltdown recently) it would take a while to get "back to normal" (I went back on my regular dose). So I'm still waiting on the "normal" to come back, but I do NOT feel as awful as I did a couple of weeks ago. 

Last night I was frustrated and tired (sometimes, proofing work gets to me!) so I elected not to go to Wednesday church services last night and climbed into bed before 8 p.m.  I put my earbuds in and listened to back episodes of an old time radio show called Suspense (which is pretty good!). 

This morning I have eaten breakfast and also drunk two cups of coffee.

Thank you for checking on me. :-)

Posted on January 27th.

I know I'm screaming a lot.

A few weeks ago, I lowered my dose of Lamictal by half because my dermatologist wanted me to do a "drug washout"; i.e. get off of all my medication. He's trying to figure out if I've developed an allergic reaction to any of my drugs.

My primary care doc didn't seem to think that was a good idea, and I tend to agree because of the nature of some of my drugs.
There's a lot of stuff going on in the world that I'm reacting to, but I do think that dropping the dose had a bad effect on me.

Next Friday I see my pdoc. I will get a new script then. In the meantime, I'm still dealing with a skin rash and other problems, and I'm so tired of going to doctors when they can't seem to help. And I've fixated on my problems with religion as well. The one thing that is supposed to be a source of comfort and strength to me, the one thing that is supposed to give me some sort of guidance to live by, has turned into a trap. It's this stupid scrupulosity.

Why in the name of God did I have to get OCD?? It makes me unhappy and miserable and it makes everyone around me miserable as well.

I can't get out of the house today because my husband has the car. He's working 10 hours of overtime to pay for stuff that we desperately need. He's going to work himself to exhaustion if he's not careful.

Yesterday I screwed up on some proofing.

I think I'm at the point of burnout.

Sanmagic responded to a couple of January 27th entries with this:

allie, i'm going to disagree with those studies.

i had an inflated sense of self-esteem, but the more i got into recovery, the more i realized that it was because my self-esteem was so very low. it was a defense mechanism to think/believe i was 'all that'. i would've reported, at the time, however, that my self-esteem was very good, very high even while belittling others.

i don't believe that somebody hurts someone or looks down on someone because they truly have good self-esteem. to me, that just does not compute. not anymore. the better my actual self-esteem got, the more tolerant, patient, and non-judgmental i became. hope you get the rash/meds thing straightened out.

i can surely relate to seeing one doc after another with no satisfaction. could your rash be from stress? you have so much going on in your life, i wouldn't be surprised if your body is screaming in its own way.

i just looked up lamictal, and it does say that a severe skin rash could be a side effect, especially if you're on certain other meds as well, like depakote. i'm not trying to be a doc here, but i often look up my meds to see what i might be able to expect. maybe that's what your dermatologist is thinking about. looks like more exploration is warranted by your doc.

good luck with this, allie. the whole meds thing has been a thorn in my side for a very long time. please, be kind and patient with yourself, take care of yourself, and hopefully you will get some relief very soon. big warm loving hug to you, sweetie.

Quote from: alliematt on February 08, 2018, 03:31:24 PM
Sanmagic responded to a couple of January 27th entries with this:

allie, i'm going to disagree with those studies.

i had an inflated sense of self-esteem, but the more i got into recovery, the more i realized that it was because my self-esteem was so very low. it was a defense mechanism to think/believe i was 'all that'. i would've reported, at the time, however, that my self-esteem was very good, very high even while belittling others.

i don't believe that somebody hurts someone or looks down on someone because they truly have good self-esteem. to me, that just does not compute. not anymore. the better my actual self-esteem got, the more tolerant, patient, and non-judgmental i became. hope you get the rash/meds thing straightened out.

i can surely relate to seeing one doc after another with no satisfaction. could your rash be from stress? you have so much going on in your life, i wouldn't be surprised if your body is screaming in its own way.

i just looked up lamictal, and it does say that a severe skin rash could be a side effect, especially if you're on certain other meds as well, like depakote. i'm not trying to be a doc here, but i often look up my meds to see what i might be able to expect. maybe that's what your dermatologist is thinking about. looks like more exploration is warranted by your doc.

good luck with this, allie. the whole meds thing has been a thorn in my side for a very long time. please, be kind and patient with yourself, take care of yourself, and hopefully you will get some relief very soon. big warm loving hug to you, sweetie.

I responded to this with:

I've been on Lamitcal for over a decade, along with Cymbalta. I've never had a problem with any of my meds. I've been dealing with this rash since last June. It could be stress. God knows I have plenty of it.

Sanmagic said on January 27th: 

sounds like this needs to be taken up with your doc. if your meds have been helping you all this time, with no ill effects, and suddenly a strange rash occurs, it could either be your body reacting to something other than the meds, or there's been a sudden intolerance to the meds. you certainly are working under an enormous amount of stress the past year, if not longer, allie. something has to give, don't you think? i don't want to see you break down, sweetie.

i hope you can find a way to get at least a little peace, just a corner where you can get a break. maybe it's ok to let your son do his games for a couple of hours between meals or something every day so you can just have some space to relax. it doesn't have to be forever - i understand your concern about his socialization - but a temporary kind of thing so that you can gather yourself together. a few weeks, a month, whatever you need. if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to take care of your son or husband either.

think about it. ok? a temporary reprieve for you so you have enough energy for some of the other things that need your attention. i don't know if that will work for you or not. i'm just really concerned. maybe the best thing i can do is just send you a hug and some love, let you know you're in my prayers. take whatever works for you, leave the rest. standing with you, allie. 

DecimalRocket responded on January 31st:

Hi allie. I don't really know about meds, but I just want to wish you some support and rest. Maybe you could use a break. Maybe even just a small bit more in a day - not pushing too much on the limits of what you think is too much, alright?

I posted January 31st:

I am back on my regular dose of meds and slowly feeling a bit more like myself.

Saturday I had a meltdown. I started screaming at my BFF about how everyone believes they are right and they can prove it. She's a good listener and I appreciate that.

There are times that I feel like I'm only acceptable if I change my beliefs and standards to be more in line with particular groups of people. I"m supposed to "be myself", and yet at the same time, I've been bullied and criticized for "being myself".

Maybe I'm just weak. Or maybe I've just been beaten down for so long that I'm just tired of trying to fight.

Quote from: alliematt on February 08, 2018, 03:38:18 PM
I posted January 31st:

I am back on my regular dose of meds and slowly feeling a bit more like myself.

Saturday I had a meltdown. I started screaming at my BFF about how everyone believes they are right and they can prove it. She's a good listener and I appreciate that.

There are times that I feel like I'm only acceptable if I change my beliefs and standards to be more in line with particular groups of people. I"m supposed to "be myself", and yet at the same time, I've been bullied and criticized for "being myself".

Maybe I'm just weak. Or maybe I've just been beaten down for so long that I'm just tired of trying to fight.

And I think it was Sanmagic who responded with:

so very glad your meds are helping, allie.

being 'right' seems to be very important to some people. i've had lots of experience with that. it's made me more cautious about sharing about myself, my thoughts, and my beliefs with these kinds of people. they will always find a way to 'prove' they're right, no matter what we say.

it's very frustrating, to be sure. if possible, maybe you can step away from those kinds of battles, take those relationships down a notch. i don't think it's worth the battle. just know that you are right in your own way for yourself, and let them have their opinions. that's all they are, someone else's opinions.

o, sweet allie, you are not weak by any means. do be yourself, please. you expend enough energy day to day on everything going on in your life, i don't think these people are worth any more. they won't change the way they think, they want everyone to think like them, and individuals aren't wanted. been there, done that. i've backed out of their rhetoric, and i felt better for doing so. you will do what's best for you, i know. i just hope you make it as easy on yourself as possible.

big warm loving hug filled with unconditional acceptance of the uniqueness of you. 

I think I posted this around January 31st-February 1st:

The pdoc told me that it will probably take about another week-10 days to be "back to normal", so to speak.

I sometimes think that the only way I can be accepted and acceptable is to think the way everyone else does. But it doesn't seem to matter what I think. I'm just going to get criticized for it anyway and told that I'm wrong.

"Be yourself"? Yeah, right. That's what got me in this mess to begin with. That's what got me bullied and criticized. I will never be good enough for anyone.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just wallowing in self-pity and I want everyone to feel sorry for me.

Quote from: alliematt on February 08, 2018, 03:41:59 PM
I think I posted this around January 31st-February 1st:

The pdoc told me that it will probably take about another week-10 days to be "back to normal", so to speak.

I sometimes think that the only way I can be accepted and acceptable is to think the way everyone else does. But it doesn't seem to matter what I think. I'm just going to get criticized for it anyway and told that I'm wrong.

"Be yourself"? Yeah, right. That's what got me in this mess to begin with. That's what got me bullied and criticized. I will never be good enough for anyone.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just wallowing in self-pity and I want everyone to feel sorry for me.

Sanmagic responded with:

ok, i can do that. i feel sorry for you, allie. you poor little thing. being in such a slump is a horrible place to be. i wish i could make it better for you. all i know is that i welcome diversity in people, whether it's their perspectives, culture, way of being - whatever.

i'm not run-of-the-mill by any means, and i know there are a lot of people with whom i don't fit. i can fake it for an occasion or something, but really, i don't want to be around them either. they're not my type. i don't belong with the cookie cutter types. i suspect you don't either.

it's lonelier in some ways - i'm horrible at small talk, couldn't make friends that way at all, and i'd watch people in classes or groups just seem to hit it off and i don't for the life of me know how they did it. still, someone once told me that i attract people because i'm my own free spirit, and they want to hitch a ride.

so, wallow for a bit if that's what you need to do. it's ok, allie. you're allowed. you'll find your way, of that i have no doubt. in the meantime, i hope you know that you're accepted here, unconditionally, with all your glorious strengths and frailties. you are very precious in your own right.

sending a warm hug filled with love and beauty for who you are.

Annnd, with that, I'm done reposting! :-)

I saw my counselor on Monday.  She has told me that she spends most of her practice reassuring people that they are normal, and she did that with me. 

In all of my screwing up with the meds and going downhill emotionally, I can say that I haven't broken with reality.  My thinking is terribly distorted, but I'm not hallucinating, I'm not audibly hearing voices that aren't there, or whatever signs there are of a psychotic break.  Given the stresses that I deal with from day to day, and given that I played with an anti-depressant, I'm not surprised at some of the reactions that I have.

My husband would like for the two of us to go on a vacation together, and I'd like to do it IF we can arrange for people to look in on  our son while we're gone.  I'm not worried about our son taking care of himself.  He can care for his needs and make simple meals.  I'm more concerned about something happening while we're gone.  I do think that if we checked in on him a couple of times a day, had a couple of other people check on him, and give permission to someone we trust to get him to the ER if necessary, we MIGHT be able to swing this.

wow, allie, i think that would be fabulous!  for you, for your hub, for the both of you, even for your son.  what a wonderful idea.  i surely do hope that it can be arranged.  fingers crossed and prayers flying, sweetie.  big hug to you filled with wishes for that vacation to come true.

My butt is really getting kicked today.  I'm dealing with eczema on my arms and legs, and they look so ugly and scarred that I'm afraid I'll never be able to wear shorts or short sleeves again.  I'm using apple cider vinegar and Neem oil, and sometimes I think it helps and sometimes it doesn't  I may have to go back to the dermatologist.  And I don't want to do it.

My OCD is raising its ugly head as well.  It's obsessing over "being right."

We had a brief scare with a government shutdown and my husband didn't know when he was supposed to go back to work. 

I can't blame this bout of depression on not taking my meds, either.

:fallingbricks:  :'( :'(

 :hug:

sending a warm caring hug, allie. 

when i had an eczema scare, 2 other possibilities i discovered were tea tree oil and hydrogen peroxide.  i looked them up at the time, so i can't tell you exactly how they're supposed to be used.  don't know if you've tried either one.   good luck with it, tho.  i know it can be a pain in the butt to deal with.

here's to better days for you.

I'm sorry that it seems like I'm not getting any better.   :'(

 :hug: but you don't have to be. We still care about you.

Up and down, up and down, up and down.  That's what it feels like lately.  And today is down.  My computer is running slow, I had a very hard proofing job, and my brain just won't stop telling me that "everyone can prove they're right by Scripture." 

those ups and downs can be draining.  at least for me, cuz i so wish the up times would stay, and get so disheartened when the down times come back around.  ugh.

i think a lot of people use the bible for their own best interests at times.  i remember being fed the same passages over and over in church, but when i began doing some exploration on my own, i found a different world that was never mentioned.  i broadened my horizon in that aspect, and now i see things a lot more clearly for my life.   very differently from both how i was taught and what i've heard from the majority of people throughout my life.

i think the best we can do is find our truth for ourselves, and allow that others may have different truths.  i don't necessarily see a right and wrong here, just what fits for me, what fits for them, and that i don't have to buy into what they believe.   i've had several intense discussions over the years about this.  they've all been something to learn from.

hope you're out of this down phase soonest, allie.  also hope you take care of you as best you can while you're in it.  warm hug filled with love.

I did get to meet with my ladies' group today; also, I learned that on Sunday during our second service, my son was called up on stage and everyone sang Happy Birthday to him.  (We have two church services on Sundays.  One uses musical instruments and one does not.  My husband and I attend the one that does not use instruments.  Our son attends both and helps out with communion both times.  :-)  )  I didn't get to see our son on stage, but the second service is streamed live on Facebook and I watched the end of the service where our son was on stage.  (He was quite the ham; he enjoyed being there!)

I did say to my group that I'd had a rough mental health week but hearing them talk about our son helped.

I felt so happy reading this!  I'm so glad they did that for him ❤❤❤❤❤

Awwww. That's sweet. I know how much you care for your son and it must have been a great time for the both of you.  :hug:

Even though it was difficult to do, I got up at 6 a.m. and ate breakfast.
Then I walked a mile up to Dunkin Donuts because I wanted a place to sit and read and journal.
I took my own coffee but apparently my "leak proof" cup wasn't leak proof. Half of my coffee spilled on the floor.  The people at Dunkin were nice enough to mop it up. 
Then I walked a mile back home.
Now if I can only keep it up.

very cool, allie, all the way around.  so glad that seeing your son enjoying himself helped lift your spirits.  yay.  big hug.

There was an awful school shooting today in Florida, and once again, I have fallen down the rabbit hole. 

Nothing anyone does, including myself, makes any kind of a difference anywhere.

I feel like in order to be liked or approved of, I have to change what I believe.  And if I do say what I believe, I'm only going to be outyelled and outscreamed.  I don't know what to say or when to say it, and even if I did, people wouldn't listen.  I've been ganged up on before because of what I think.  Why can't people shut up for once and listen to what I think??? 

I am always the one who has to change. No one else has to.  I am always the one in the wrong.  No one else is. 

You're entitled to your very own opinions and beliefs! It doesn't matter who agrees with you or disagrees. Your view is important. It can be something many other people believe, or something that is unique to you - learning, diversity, and love are what truly matters. But that's just my opinion!  ;)

Today, I don't need to hear about how I need to have faith.  Today, I need to lament.  I need to grieve and express my frustration and anger and despair.  We have learned NOTHING from past school shootings except how to point fingers and blame each other.  I'm truly in despair.  And with my own personal issues about faith and other stuff, this is not helping.

gathering you in, allie, to help soothe and comfort you.  it's just madness out there, and there really is nothing we can do about it.  not a happy thought, to be sure.  all we can do is what we can for our own little piece of the world.

your faith, your beliefs, your opinions are your own and are valuable and valid.  i had to stop attending an organized form of congregation because of what i came to believe, what worked for me.  i tried other churches, other communities, but it was the same wherever i went.   i, too, got tired of being overrode anytime i opened my mouth.  neither i nor my beliefs fit, so i quit trying to make it so. 

i respect the beliefs, etc., of others, but they're not necessarily for me, just like mine are not for them.  it took a bit of time to be able to do this - it wasn't a decision i came to lightly or an action i did overnight.   i know you're struggling right now, but i have faith that you'll get to where you need to be.  sending a hug filled with love, caring, and compassion.

If I'm thinking reasonably, I realize there's not very much I can do single-handedly.  Bad things happen and you just have to get through them as best you can.  I just don't always think very reasonably at times.

you're preaching to the choir with that one, sweetie.  illogical, unreasonable, emotionally-charged - i think they all come under the same umbrella.  i know i don't always think logically, don't always make sense to anyone else.  still, it is what it is.  and, no, we can't have it all our way.  sucks sometimes, tho.

I do feel better today.  Last night I realized that for me, I need someone a lot wiser and stronger outside of myself.  That is why I believe in God.  Yesterday I took some time to be angry and to lament, and I think that also helped.

That's not to say, though, that I won't be back in the depths sometime in the near future.  It's part of the illness.

Hi allie. I don't have the same Christian beliefs, but I do understand how many of you can find deep courage and strength in God.

Wish you the best. :hug:

I am "energied out."  Yesterday my counselor and I were talking, and I don't remember how we got on the subject, but we were talking about how we spend so much energy on stuff . . . and I thought about all the "stuff" I have to deal with.  I said that even if you took everything else away that I was dealing with, I still had a a child with autism, and that is draining in and of itself.  Add in health problems, financial problems, and past issues, and I see exactly why I feel tired and drained.

yeah, absolutely tired and drained.  i remember that from dealing with my mentally ill d, especially when she was younger.  never mind any of the other stuff i was attempting to manage.  dealing with kids without some extra something going on is energy-draining all by itself. 

i think a higher power can be very helpful, no matter what it might be called.  i've utilized mine time and time again.  especially for strength to make it thru the day.  it's worked so far.

i'm just glad you're feeling a bit better, allie.  getting it out often helps me, too.  warm, loving hug to you, sweetie.

What's wrong with me?  I'm back to feeling overwhelmed and feeling like I can't put one more thing on my plate.  I'm coping by being in my PJs and spending too much time on the computer and TV . . . and I have work to do this afternoon.

Last night I took my son to a birthday party, which was good (his Bible study celebrated my son's 19th birthday!) and I hung out at Starbucks while waiting for him (also good!)  It was not until AFTER I picked up my son and took us home that I realized I'd left my purse at Starbucks . . . so I raced back and got there right before closing.  Purse was still there.  The Starbucks I was at was about 25 minutes away from home (down the street from where my son was).  So that was up, back, up, back, nearly TWO HOURS on the road total.

I was thirsty when I got home so I drank water and then stayed up for a while because I didn't want to go right to bed only to have to get up and go to the bathroom! 

So I stayed in bed a little bit later this morning . . . and I'm still in PJ's . . . and still haven't started work . . . and I'm thinking very seriously about dropping a few activities that I'd rather not drop, but I HAVE to get SOMETHING off the plate.  And I am too addicted to this stupid computer and electronics, and I justify it by saying that I get the majority of my support online. 

:fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :pissed: :pissed:

 :hug: :hug:

I often cope by staying in PJs or worse sleeping in my dayclothes and then I can get up whenever I want and hey presto! I'm already dressed.

Standing with you.

Forgetting your purse somewhere is ALWAYS stressful! I am happy to hear that it was left in peace and that you got it back safely.

Sometimes it's good to take stuff off your plate, so you get to do the other things you both want, and need to do.
I would love to stay in PJ all day. And I often tend to walk around in PJ-kind of clothes after I've been out. Way more comfortable!  :hug:

Side note:  The party my son went to was a "PJ Masks" party; PJ Masks is a cartoon my son follows and that a couple of members of his Bible study also enjoy.  They're college-aged and young adult but still enjoy so-called "kids" cartoons.  The guests at my son's party were asked to wear their PJ's.  I told my son that while he might not want to wear his underwear T-shirt that he sleeps in, it was perfectly okay for him to wear his pajama pants.  Since he has autism, he definitely has black and white thinking and wasn't quite sure if it was all right for him to wear pajamas when he wasn't going to bed. 

(He also gets into his pajama pants and T-shirt when he gets home from school.   :) )

How am I supposed to make out a schedule and stick to it and do some sort of decent self-care when, after I DO make out the schedule, something comes along to completely upend it??

Could you plan for the unexpected? Set off time that doesn't belong to anyone, or anything?
It sounds frustrating though, to put in all that work, and only to have it disrupted!  :hug:

Feelings at the moment:

Everything is a priority.
I will always be sick, physically and mentally.
And nothing will ever get better.

 :hug:  :bighug:

I've often had feelings 2 and 3 at the same time, so sitting with you. The feelings do pass for me eventually.

Combined with 2 and 3 (or just on its own) I used to often feel incapable of figuring out my priorities (which is different from your problem 1, I realise). Or even if I could figure them out, I couldn't do most of them. The whole situation  :thumbdown: :thumbdown: big time. Can only send commiseration and sit with you.

Sometimes sitting with someone is the best thing you can do. 

i hear ya, allie.  may i join the group of sitters?  that would be nice.

I too would like to sit with you.  :hug:

Quote from: Sceal on February 28, 2018, 05:52:10 AM
I too would like to sit with you.  :hug:

Pull up a chair.  :)

What is my problem?

I've had a bad day today; it may be because I didn't sleep well last night, got up early, tried to take a nap later; husband has to work overtime tomorrow, and GUESS WHO gets to give her son a ride to a get-together tomorrow night that he JUST TODAY decided he wanted to go to!!!

What is my problem?

Why can't I stop being depressed and start getting better and stop feeling overwhelmed?

maybe you truly are overwhelmed, allie, not just feeling like it, and that can wreak havoc with all your different systems, including your thinking, spirit, feelings, energy and all the rest.

do you have times when you can say 'no' and just take time for yourself, give yourself a bit of a break, do something for you?  i hope so.  i've been thru this demanding family dynamic - it was too many years of having to deal with one crisis after another and it wore me down to the bone.  that was not a good place to be, and i ended up running for my life.  i'd hate to see you in that same position.

do you belong to a support group for parents of autistic kids?  that may be something helpful, get you out of the house, make a boundary around 'me' time for that.  just a thought.  i don't know if it's possible or not. 

please, take it easy on yourself, sweetie.  you're under so much pressure right now.  that will skew a lot of things, including your ability to get yourself up and out of depressed feelings.  lovely warm hug to you.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 03, 2018, 05:51:02 PM
please, take it easy on yourself, sweetie.  you're under so much pressure right now.  that will skew a lot of things, including your ability to get yourself up and out of depressed feelings.   

:yeahthat:      :hug:

Well, at the moment, I'm binge-watching MASH.   :)  And I told my husband that HE could pick up my meds on his way home from overtime!

 :cheer: sounds good. Delegating tasks  ;)

yay for you, allie.  way to go.

The frustration I just feel is that I go round and round in the same cycle and nothing ever changes.  And I can't do anything about it.

On the rebound.  I have a feeling that this particular bout of depression may have been hormonal, because I changed my estrogen patch Saturday night (when I was falling down the rabbit hole) and I felt better the next day. 

Hormonal changes can be really tough! I hope you're feeling better with each day that passes

Worst thing about today?

NO COFFEE.

There was a good reason for not having coffee today.  I had a fasting blood draw to check my levels of Vitamin D.

But other than that, today was decent.  I wish that "no coffee" was the worst problem I had to deal with in life!

good luck with your draw.  and, back to coffee tomorrow.  hope everything's ok.  big hug, allie.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 08, 2018, 02:04:57 AM
good luck with your draw.  and, back to coffee tomorrow.  hope everything's ok.  big hug, allie.

The draw went OK and I'm now back to my morning coffee.  I should get the results in a few days.

That's good. Hope it'll keep doing well, and if not, that's alright too. :)

I"m kicking myself because I finally told my husband something I should have told him sooner:  that our son had a Facebook account. Our son was supposed to ask us before he did it.  He went ahead and did it anyway, I knew about it and didn't tell husband; which I should have done.

When I told him yesterday, he wasn't happy.  He wanted our son to delete Facebook.  Then he asked me if I thought he was overreacting.  I said that I thought he needed to look at our son's Facebook page.  What our son wants to do is connect with people from church.  I don't have a problem with that. 

It just seems that my husband has a THING about all things electronic.  He's clueless about social media. Maybe he's better off, I don't know.  And I sometimes feel like I have to ask permission for everything or tell him everything--and because of my past, I'm afraid of being yelled at, even though my husband DOESN'T YELL AT ME.   

But now I'm mentally kicking myself and beating myself up because I should have said something and I didn't and I deserve to be punished for it. 

Why am I so angry???

I have this horrible streak of anger and of frustration, and I don't know why.  I am angry at so many things and frustrated about so many things.  I am angry about current events, I am angry about not being listened to; I feel like the only way I can really be accepted is if I believe what everyone else believes. 

I have to accept them.  No one has to accept me.  I have to change.  No one else does.  I feel like it's a sin to be me.

Okay.  I give.  I'm wrong about everything.  Everyone else is right and I am wrong.  Politically, socially, religiously, culturally, and every -ly and -ism in the book.  I'm wrong, everyone else is right, and I must change. 

may i respectfully disagree with you, allie.  i don't think everyone else is right, not in most of the categories you listed.  i'm not a christian in a christian country.  i don't agree with what's going on in the world, with my country, with hatred, prejudice, racism, all the ism's, intolerance, being judgmental.  all of that which is running rampant around the world.  i don't fit, either.

i can't fight them, either.  i used to demonstrate, take to the streets, but am too old and sick now.  now i can only live my life the way i see best, use my energy and time on the people and situations that are beneficial to my life. 

the way i see a relationship, it needs to be a team effort, give and take, no power plays.  i can understand about the facebook thing - i don't do social media - but i think you and your husband can monitor what goes on with your son's page, can't you?  make it a team effort so that your hub can understand a little more about the idea behind your son being on facebook, but also holding the reins together to keep his page about church and activities.  it can be a social connection for him, and i know that's a concern for you.

allie, you don't deserve to be punished.  maybe your foo punished you for making mistakes, but that's not what healthy adults do to each other.  we accept mistakes, we accept the people we love, we accept ourselves even tho we're flawed.  that's no sin, that's being human. 

i, for one, accept you just the way you are.  i have no doubt there are others here who feel the same way.  i love you, allie, and am sorry for your pain.  sending a hug filled with comfort and warmth and caring.

Why is it that "what other people think" is SO IMPORTANT to me???

It shouldn't be.  But it is.  I have a visceral reaction when someone disagrees with me on something important.  It's like my heart drops into my stomach. 

What is my problem????

allie, I know "What is my problem??" is just something people say, but I think your problem atm could be that you're in a bit of an EF. Visceral reactions and other people's opinions being so important to you.

I echo a lot of what san says. Take care.  :hug:

and i, in turn, agree with blueberry, that your problem could be an ef, which is a symptom of the wounds we've received at the hands of others who have not had our own best interests at heart.

their voice were so much louder than ours at that time in our lives, and they remain loud, harsh, brutal.  the thing is that they are not the truth.  why is it so important?  several years ago, that question was uppermost in my mind as well.  for me, it was because i was deathly afraid to be alone.  i had felt such deep, despairing aloneness as  a child, and when i went to my folks for help, support, some kindness, they showed me that i was alone even in the same room as them.

the thought of that feeling caused me to create a personality to hopefully insure that people would like me.  i strove to be the perfect friend, perfect partner, perfect person.  if i found out someone didn't like me, it rocked my world and i could barely breathe.  it brought back that horrible moment with my folks when i knew i was on my own, and the deathly despair that made me feel as if i would die.

it didn't bring it back in a memory way, but it was in my bones.  it wasn't till later in recovery that i realized what was going on, where to trace it to, and it wasn't till then that i could even begin to heal that wound.  it still twinges at times, but it's more manageable now.  i don't know if it'll ever go away fully, but it doesn't usually flatten me anymore.

don't know if any of this is helpful, allie, but i do want you to know you are heard, listened to, and are being sent love and hugs filled with strength, self-knowledge, and acceptance, as well as a healthy knowing that you are good enough the way you are no matter what anyone says. 

Allie, I feel this way sometimes too. Sometimes I can't stand how other people might think of me too, and I've been trying for years to do something about it.

It's caused by a variety of things. Trauma, lack of confidence, lack of awareness of emotions and more. I try to learn from all kinds of people really, and what I know is that whoever they are, they're always right at something. A stereotypical manipulative CEO might be a terrible person, but you could learn a lot from his views on hard work and efficiency. A person may be poor and uneducated, but they might know a lot about being resilient through troubled times and have street smarts. One person may be downright lazy but they might know something about being deeply kind and being spontaneous.

I don't see people as being entirely wrong when they're wrong. I see them as less right. A less complete view of what things are and supposed to be. I bet there are things you're more right in knowing than me and the others here, and I trust that.

Still here.  I've been proofing a lot this week and I'm waiting for another job that will take me the weekend to do.

I see. Good progress then. :)

I am exhausted.  I stayed up late proofing, then had THREE back-to-back-to-back doctor's visits today.  One was a blood draw, one was  chiropractor's stuff, and one was annual eye exam.  Came home and decided to get dinner out. 

(Trigger warning:  I WILL be touching on politics, religion, and current events here.  This goes along with my most recent "Just having a difficult day" post called, "Okay.  I give."  If I cross a line and end up being hurtful or triggering, I will be very glad to delete this post.)

Someone touched on current events in a post I put in "Just having a difficult day," called "Okay, I give."  They suggested I talk about them, focusing on how I'm affected as a person with CPTSD.

I lean "right" in many of my beliefs, and to be honest, I feel like I'm committing a crime by doing so.  I'm a white conservative who feels like because I'm white, I'm automatically a bigot.  I often feel like I MUST agree with others who are very strong in their beliefs but that I don't get the same respect from those people.  I believe that "the government that governs least governs best" and I also understand there's disagreements about what "governs best".  I don't think the federal government ought to be involved in health care (except to regulate the purity of drugs; I think laws that talk about the behavior of doctors should be on the state level, not the federal level.)  I do get concerned about fraud and waste in the Medicare/Medicaid program.

On the other hand, I have taken Medicaid to pay for my son's treatment, and I feel like a hypocrite for doing so, and have been accused of not caring about my son because of my belief about government and health care--if I don't believe the government should be involved in health care, and the government pays for my son's health care, then obviously, I don't care about him.  When I tried to explain to the person who said that that I understood people needed help and that those who needed help should get it, but that the person crossed a line when she said I didn't care about my son, I was told by other people (this was in an online group) that "she was just trying to make a point" and that I probably shouldn't be SO INSULTED but consider what they were trying to say--but no one seemed to consider what I was trying to say.  Resources are limited, and if you give help to someone who doesn't need it, it can't go to someone who does.  PEOPLE AGREED WITH HER, NOT WITH ME, and THAT is one of the events I flash back to when I deal with political discussions.  (I ended up leaving that group.) 

Before the 2008 elections, I said to a church group that I was really scared about these elections.  IMMEDIATELY, I was greeted with a chorus of, "God is in control," from two people.  I thought, "Of COURSE you're going to say, 'God is in control'!  Your candidate is going to win!"  THAT is what I flash back to when I hear the words, "God is in control."  Even though I disagreed with Barack Obama politically, I resented the attacks on him personally that I saw online and heard from some people.  But it just didn't/doesn't seem to matter when I try to state facts.  People are going to believe what they want. 

I didn't vote for Trump OR Clinton in the last election.  I cast a protest vote for Snoopy.  Seriously.  I didn't trust one and I didn't think the other was qualified.  I think Trump has a few good points (we need to get a handle on illegal immigration and take the threat of terrorism seriously) but I truly resent how he exploits the anger and division in this country.  Last week I left a McDonald's because one of their TVs was blaring Fox News, the other was blaring CNN; one was covering a Trump speech and the other was covering anti-Trump accusations.  I couldn't handle it.  I don't trust the news to give us facts anymore, and it's become next to impossible to figure out who's telling the truth.  One of my "things" is "accurate facts" and it comes out as "you must be accurate to a fault".  (I feel like if I don't give every single detail in a story, and/or if one of those details is mistaken, I will be accused of lying.) 

I feel like if I say anything good about Trump, I'll be attacked; I feel like if I say anything against Trump, I will be attacked.

I feel like if I totally support the #metoo movement, I'll be accused of "not taking into account false accusations against people."  If I point out that sometimes (not all the time, but in some cases) some accusations are false, I'll be accused of "not believing the victims".  Victims need to be believed and need to be free to tell their story.  And their story needs to be investigated to find out if it's true.  And I don't know how to respect the rights of the accused AND respect the dignity of the victim.  We're people who weren't heard and weren't believed, and people like us need to be heard and believed.  I think that's the root of the #metoo movement, and it could be the source of a lot of my anger as well--not being heard, not being taken seriously, nothing being done.  But it's also possible for someone to be falsely accused, and that's not right either.

I'm Christian.  I understand there are members here who aren't.  I believe in God, but I also understand I can't force that belief on others.  I want to do what's right, but when everyone can "prove" that they are right by the Bible, which is how we're supposed to learn about God and about what He wants us to do, how do you know what IS right?  When everything is right, nothing is. 

I also am very disheartened by continuing revelations about misconduct, sexual and otherwise, from people who are considered "leaders" in Christianity, especially American evangelical Christianity.  And I also resent the rush to defend the accused and discredit the accusers.  Christianity IS about grace and forgiveness for all, and God knows I need that grace!  But it seems like there is so much emphasis on, "You must forgive," and very little talk about the consequence of sin, especially the legal consequences of sins that are crimes.  (A family that learned that their disabled son was being abused by a fellow church member reported the abuse to the police.  Some members of their church wanted to know, why couldn't you work it out with a fellow Christian?  The tragic ending to that case was that the "fellow Christian" murdered the child he abused, along with his mother, before killing himself.)

In politics, "my side" is ALWAYS wrong.  "My side" ALWAYS seems to lose.  The "other side" ALWAYS gets what they want.  If anyone disagrees with them, they are bullied, shamed and blamed.  I'm horrified by the sheer numbers of school shootings, and I don't know what the solution is.  I feel like if I support the March for Life participants, I "want to take away people's guns" and I want to "repeal the First Amendment".  If I express concerns that the teenagers involved may be being exploited for other people's agendas, I risk being told that I don't care about the horror they have been through.  The facts don't matter.  The people who get listened to are the ones who scream the loudest and the ones who control the narrative, whether that narrative is based on facts or not.

There's a sequence in the old movie Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, where Jimmy Stewart is on the floor of the Senate filibustering a bill.  Since the opposing side controls all the media in his area, his side of the story can't get out.  His secretary uses Jimmy Stewart's former troop of Boy Rangers (think Boy Scouts) and their newsletter to try and get the word out about the filibuster.  At every turn, the Boy Rangers are thwarted.  Their papers are stolen and the boys themselves are attacked.  THAT is how I feel at times in trying to express myself.   What I have to say is always wrong and not worth listening to.  Everyone else is right and they can be listened to.  Especially if they believe the opposite of what I believe.  I feel outnumbered, and I feel outmaneuvered, outyelled, outscreamed, and out everything else.  I say, "a + b = c" and hear in response, "Well, d + e = the square root of f x g to the fourth power of h," and I'm left with, "Uh . . . uh . . . uh . . ."

Throw in past bullying, past spiritual abuse, dealing with debt, health issues, and a disabled child, and trying to keep all the plates spinning and the balls in the air . . . and yeah, I am not surprised that lately, I've been posting, "I give.  I give."

(Note that the views expressed in this post are not necessarily the views of the owners of this site.  They are mine and mine alone.)

At first I wanted to avoid this post. I'm sick, sick, sick of politics, I think all politicians are crooks and out for themselves. So in an attempt to not be triggered yet again I decided not to read your post.

But then, I did....

And I'm glad I did!! I agree 100% with EVERYTHING you've said, especially:

QuoteChristianity IS about grace and forgiveness for all, and God knows I need that grace!  But it seems like there is so much emphasis on, "You must forgive," and very little talk about the consequence of sin, especially the legal consequences of sins that are crimes.

Yes!  :cheer:

I actually breathed a sigh of relief when I finished reading your post. Thank you for your insight, and expressing yourself here, I needed it today.  :hug:

Allie, I read this post specially because you mention you'd be glad to take it down if you've crossed a line. So I with my Mod hat on thought "Hm, better check that out."

I don't think you've crossed any lines here. Speaking as Blueberry, you and I don't see eye-to-eye on everything, but that's quite OK, we don't have to on this forum. But I'm really glad that you have been able to express what you wanted to here, instead of feeling you're not allowed to express what you think. Especially important for you to be able to express it, if the fear of doing so was brought about by whatever caused your CPTSD. Cuz that's part of healing.

I don't have the same political and religious beliefs to you, Allie, but I agree many people aren't listening to each other. Watching other people talk through issues like this, I notice people making assumptions. People who make what's understood black and white. As if their side is entirely good, and the other entirely evil and misled.

When people judge your ideas, they aren't really judging your ideas. They're judging their idea of what you're saying. You sound like you took some time to come to your beliefs yourself, and whether I agree with it or not, I respect that.

In my opinion, in discussions like this no one really wins. It's like a warzone. One side may find "victory", but when their resources to survive are left lacking, who really wins? What does it mean to win? Is it for someone else to change their mind, or is it when we get to understand each other in a way that we learn from each other? In the latter, no one wins.

No one wins.

What I see in your post Allie is the complete frustration (and in my case deep despair) I feel too about the type of black and white/us vs them/all or nothing thinking that seems to be so prevalent right now.  It's just polarizing and divisive and as DR points out, no one wins.  I am more to the left  but I also have right leaning views on some things so I don't consider myself in us-them terms.  There is truth somewhere in all of the left-right shouting that we can all find if we are willing to do so.  And that's the point, we have to be willing.

There was only unwillingness in my NPD family, no shades of gray, no tolerance for other points of view, no openness to other ways of thinking - just "my way or the highway."  My point is that when one side won't/can't be open any possibility of getting anywhere is impossible. I gave up talking to my FOO and to anyone really who seems to be entrenched in black and white views. There's just no point and I don't want to waste precious energy.  If I sense, however, there is some room to discuss something is in a respectful and considerate way then I am most open to a conversation.   

Quote from: Three Roses on March 28, 2018, 04:33:15 PM
At first I wanted to avoid this post. I'm sick, sick, sick of politics, I think all politicians are crooks and out for themselves. So in an attempt to not be triggered yet again I decided not to read your post.

But then, I did....

And I'm glad I did!! I agree 100% with EVERYTHING you've said, especially:

QuoteChristianity IS about grace and forgiveness for all, and God knows I need that grace!  But it seems like there is so much emphasis on, "You must forgive," and very little talk about the consequence of sin, especially the legal consequences of sins that are crimes.

Yes!  :cheer:

I actually breathed a sigh of relief when I finished reading your post. Thank you for your insight, and expressing yourself here, I needed it today.  :hug:

Aww, thanks!  :)

And I hear you when you say, I'm SICK of politics!  I think that's one thing both the left and right can agree on.  What I think so many of us are sick of is the toxicity.  We are so sick of the screaming and the anger and the downright hate expressed by each side towards the other.  And that's not good for people who are dealing with mental illnesses (sometimes, I've heard CPTSD described as a "mental injury" as opposed to a "mental illness"; I think "mental injury" is a good term.)   I don't mind a good debate and I'd like to think I'm a reasonable thinker.  I also think there's just so much division and so much emphasis on "we right, you wrong" that it keeps people from talking to each other. 

So yeah, I understand when you say you're sick of politics.  Thank you for reading anyway. :-)   :grouphug:

Quote from: Kizzie on March 28, 2018, 11:33:02 PM
What I see in your post Allie is the complete frustration (and in my case deep despair) I feel too about the type of black and white/us vs them/all or nothing thinking that seems to be so prevalent right now. 

To be honest, I also feel deep despair.

This is a whiny, self-centered post.

Lately I have been feeling like my life consists of a series of clubs from which I am routinely and/or progressively excluded.

I'm a redhead, so that automatically makes me a minority.  I'm a female who's an intellectual, and up until recently, females tended to be valued more for their beauty rather than their brains.

I'm mostly conservative in my leanings, and there are times I feel like I'm wrong because of those beliefs.

I'm also white, and I feel like that automatically makes me a bigot.

I was bullied as a kid.  So I withdrew into my world of books and imaginary friends.  (I never broke with reality.  I always knew that it was my imagination.)

I'm Christian, so that automatically excludes me from some groups. :-) But spiritual abuse is also isolating.  I see the dark side of some religious movements that others may not see. 

I have a child with a disability.  While other kids went to "regular" school and went to band, soccer, gymnastics, and other extra-curricular activities, my child went to speech therapy, occupational therapy, and social groups.  Kids his age are going to college.  He goes to job training.  He will probably subsist on a "lower-level" job supplemented by Social Security and probably will not be able to live unsupervised.

My friends' kids are getting married.  My son probably won't.

And what is probably the most self-centered of all:  I will probably never have grandchildren.

Many of my women friends have grandkids, they talk about them, show pictures, talk about going to visit them . . . and odds are, that will probably never happen for me.  I don't want people to NOT talk about their grandkids because, "oh, that will upset her!"  I enjoy hearing about other peoples' grandkids and seeing photos.  But it just plain hurts to know that that will probably never happen for me, and I feel so isolated at times. 

I have depression, and OCD, and probably CPTSD.  I've been in and out of therapy since my early '20's, and I sometimes think that my issues are never, ever going to get resolved.

When am I going to come to this board and tell everyone about how well I handled a particular day or situation??  Ever?

allie, i'm just glad you can let it out, whatever it is.  as often as you need to.  heaven knows i've done my fair share, and have been reassured time and again that i wasn't whining.  so, i'll pass that along to you as well - i don't see whining here.  i see true feelings, pain, frustration, and sadness. 

as to your previous post, i, too, am in despair of the hate that has surfaced.  i think that's the worst thing about what's going on.  as far as politics and religion, those are personal choices, nothing more or less in my eyes.  i've been around and around with both during my life, and eventually decided on what worked for me.  it may not work for others the same way, but there's nothing wrong with that.

you have had some difficult challenges in your life, allie, and i see you making the best life you are able for yourself and your family.  for that i give you all kinds of credit.  unfortunately, we can't make people see us for who we are if they don't want to - they will continue judging because of surface attributes and there's not a doggone thing we can do about it. 

so, walk tall with your beautiful red hair, your wondrous intellect, and your womanly being, your beliefs, your effort, your challenges, your spunk, your light skin and your clear eyes and know that no matter what, there are people who know you are valid and valuable.   you're not alone here.  love and hugs, allie.

I find it interesting how our critics can always seem to find a way to be hard on ourselves. When you're in a minority or discriminated group, you believe hated against. When you're in the majority or the privileged, you believe people will envy you or that you're petty. I've had my own experience of that.

Being someone with some amount of gender dysphoria and high functioning autism, along with someone who's in the upper class in the country and a lot smarter than usual. It's a weird combination I'm sure of that. I've had my share of occupational therapy too.

We're never going to find a group that will be perfectly similar to us but we can find one that respects us for who we are. We aren't defined by certain groups. We're a combination of different groups in a way that makes us unique, and I enjoy the combination you give too. I found acceptance not by being in one the exact same way, but in a place where people respect our differences.

I don't know if you have one like that in real life, but we'll be here for that at the very least.

Take care.  :)

Quote from: alliematt on March 30, 2018, 07:22:31 PM

Quote from: Kizzie on March 28, 2018, 11:33:02 PM
What I see in your post Allie is the complete frustration (and in my case deep despair) I feel too about the type of black and white/us vs them/all or nothing thinking that seems to be so prevalent right now. 

To be honest, I also feel deep despair.

I'm so sorry that you do as well Allie, it's tough to deal with I know.  I have totally cut back on watching/reading news and must say it has really helped.  I don't feel like all that is out there in the real world is anger, divisiveness and winning at any cost.  TV, social media and print are just plain saturated with conflict and chaos because it gets ratings/subscriptions. I cannot do that to myself any more, I have to distance myself from all of that if I am to continue to recover and be healthy.  It's just way too much for my trauma sensitive body, heart and mind.   

Are there ways you could step back from some of the chaos, anger and black and white thinking you are encountering, give yourself more calm and quiet space and time each day perhaps?   

I have lost count of the number of medical appointments I've recently had.

I had a blood draw for an endocrinologist's appointment.
I had the endocrinologist's appointment the next week; blood sugar OK, weight up, thyroid good, MUST exercise.
I had a follow-up on a skin biopsy (I have eczema) which reads like something I need to respond to with, "Bless you!"  I'm very discouraged because my doc would like for me to get off all meds that won't kill me if I go off them . . . the problem is, if I go off them, *I* might be the one that ends up killing someone!
And, while on the way to the skin doc appointment, I got back-to-back calls about the mammogram I had Tuesday.  When your doc's office and the hospital you had the mammogram had BOTH call you, that will get your attention.
They both said that I have a calcification in the left breast and I get to have additional pictures taken in two weeks.  (I'm assuming that "calcification" is less ominous than "lump in breast".  I would think if it was very serious, they'd say, "Haul yourself in here NOW!")
And child has been home on spring break.  Nuff said about that.  ;) 

 Woke up today to MY INTERNET BEING DOWN!!

:pissed: :pissed: :pissed:
:aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh:

I'm posting this from the library, where I needed to go to download my info for the work I do from home.  It's now (hopefully!)on a flash drive.  I'll upload when I get home.

And watch:  my Internet will be FIXED by that time!!!

:stars: :stars: :stars: :stars:

"It's just another Manic Monday . . ."

Wow, that's alot!
All those tests, to end up having to take more tests! I really hope that they find out what they need from the next images!
It's alot to deal with. I hope the best for you Allie.

And it is so infuriating and angering when the internet goes down without warning!
Hoping the rest of your day turns out better

Annnd, I ended up going BACK to the library, because the transcription program I use WOULDN'T WORK without Internet!
:pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:
:aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh:

But I THINK the Internet is fixed back at the house.

There will be pizza tonight for dinner.

Yum.  :)

i hear ya, allie, about having so many med. procedures/exams/visits and how horribly draining it is.  gluck.

good luck with your mammo stuff.  i ended up having 2 of those plus 2 ultrasounds because they saw a mass they couldn't identify.  turned out that by the 4th procedure it had disappeared.  i wish the same for you.  still, hated going thru it all.  the whole doc thing makes me crazy.

yum, indeed.  hope you all enjoy the pizza.  sounds great.  love and hugs.

We did enjoy the pizza and the Internet is fixed here. :-) 

This is not the first time I've dealt with a breast abnormality.  I had something similar waaaayyy back in 1996 or so and it turned out to be OK.  I'm actually more discouraged about the skin stuff than I am about the breast stuff.

i've heard that meds can cause eczema, so i get that idea of wanting you off them to see if the skin thing resolves itself.  still, as you say, the meds keep you on  a basically even keel.  a terrible conundrum.  very frustrating.  my best to you with that, sweetie.

love and hugs, allie.  i hope you figure out a way through all that.

I don't know who I am anymore or who I'm supposed to be.

I took a long walk to and from the grocery store today to both get necessary groceries and also to get a walk in.

On the way back, I started crying.

It's mostly the old issues.  Who am I?  Who am I supposed to be?  If I disagree with someone, I am automatically the one who has to change.  No one else.  I feel alone, I feel isolated, I don't know what I do believe or what I'm supposed to believe anymore.

Are there really people in this world who have family members that actually CALL them just to say "hello, how are you, I'm thinking about you?"  In the last decade or so of my mother's life, she very rarely did that, and my sister has only done it to update me on my mother's condition when she was alive.  What's wrong with me?  Why do I find it so hard to make friends?  Isn't there anyone where I can just go "hang out" for a while?  And then, if I say that to people and they DO ask me, come hang out, I'll end up wondering if they're just doing it out of pity rather than because they want my company. 

Is there something wrong with me because I can't seem to make friends without being in front of a computer screen?  Or without it being some sort of structured group, like my church, my ladies' study, etc.? 

It's fine to say, be yourself, but "being myself" was what got me into this mess to begin with.  Who I am is just not good enough.

I'm also physically worn out.  Last night I was so tired I was about to cry.  And I ended up getting up early to finish a job I started last night, emailed it, and then told my people I wasn't available for the rest of the day.  And I went back to bed.

Are there really people in the world that sleep a good eight hours and wake up refreshed?  Who don't go around with a cloud over their head all.the.time?  Who don't constantly struggle with depression and bad memories?  Who know exactly what they believe and why they believe it and who are able to influence people?

Because that sure isn't me. 

I'm sorry I can't get well.  I'm sorry I can't change.  I'm expecting everyone to give to me but I'm not giving back to anyone here.

allie, honey, your very presence here is a gift to us, whether you can see it or not.  you don't have to, but we know it.

i wish i could just do something that would help soothe and comfort you.  all i can do is offer earth mother spirit who will enfold you in her voluminous skirts, embrace you with comfort and care, loving you because of no other reason than you're you.  she understands depression, how it robs us of our 'self' - ness.  it's such a horrible feeling.

may i also say again that you are number one, you are good enough the way you are, you don't need to change if you don't want to, and i have no doubt that the day will eventually come when you will see this as we see you.  sending a hug filled with lightness of being, clarity, and love.

Smart decision #1:  Over the weekend, I proofed a nightmarish, 242-page deposition transcript where even the deponent's own attorney got a bit impatient with the deponent.  I chose to eat that elephant in very small bites.  I divided the job into three parts, for three days, and when I ended the number of pages I'd assigned myself, I stopped for the day.  The job got finished yesterday evening.

Smart decision #2:  The crockpot is cooking tonight's dinner.  I'm using the leftover ham bone from Easter to make bean soup.

Those are pretty smart decisions.  :cheer: That's some practical ingenuity right there.

I love bean soup! ❤

Yesterday I was exhausted.  Mainly because I did several proofing jobs back to back as well as hauling my son to his Bible study on Tuesday.  I got up early yesterday, finished the last of my proofing, then went to get a blood draw (for cholesterol).  I came back around 9:30 and went to bed. 

I didn't get out of bed until ONE.  And I hadn't had anything to eat. (Blood draw was a fasting blood draw.)

And I still felt tired. 

So last night, after dinner, I went straight to bed, do not pass go, do not collect $200.  I took the iPad and iPhone with me and streamed a couple of reruns of MASH and listened to some old time radio. 

This morning, I get to have a follow-up mammogram.  Fun fun!!

I give.  I don't know what I'm supposed to think or believe about anything anymore.

o honey, all i can say is i'm standing right beside you.  i hope you find your way through all this sooner rather than later.  depression is horrible to be in cuz it distorts everything.  and all that you are dealing with, the people and their beliefs and expectations of you, your son, your relationship - all of it.  you are good enough being you, no matter what anyone might think or say.

i know you've heard that before, and maybe it sounds meaningless.  i wish there was more i could do or say for you.  just know i'm sending a hug filled with love and comfort. 

I'm sorry I can't seem to get any better and that people resort to telling me the same things over and over. 

(I see another doc on Monday.  I don't know if I will get a needle biopsy then or not.)

no need for apology, allie.  this is not your fault.  you don't need to feel guilty or ashamed or anything negative at all.  i just wish there was something i could do to help, to comfort, to reassure.

i hope the biopsy goes well.  am thinking of you.

just got an idea - i have a candle of the virgin of guadalupe in my room - she is the patron saint of mexico, and is looked on as a protector.  i'm lighting this candle for you, allie.  know that love and protection are coming your way.

My BFF things I let people take up space in my head that don't need to be there. 

So who do I evict? 

Today I have coped by taking not just one, but TWO naps.

I needed the car today to take my son to a car wash our church was putting on.

My husband was working overtime.

I got up around 4:45 a.m.  Took husband to work.  Came back, took nap.

Got up around 7 a.m.  Breakfast.  Took child to church.

Got back around 8:30.  Took nap.

Got up around 10:30. 

Left a little after 11 to get MY car washed and pick up child.

Didn't leave church until after 1 p.m.

Got home close to two.

Ate lunch.

I will need to leave around 4 to get husband.

I'm exhausted already.

And in addition, I just feel so powerless.  The bullies always win and there is nothing I can do about it.

:'( :'( :'(
:fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:
:spooked:

you can evict anyone you want.  maybe start small, see how that goes, what it feels like.  i had a friend who taught me to visualize an opening in the floor, surrounded by a tube.  when i needed to get out tension, thoughts, whatever, i could see that tube in my mind and watch whatever it was (usually stress, in my case) go down the tube and out of my life.  it led to the universe, which, as far as i'm concerned, takes care of all those things quickly and easily.  i use it to this day.

i think the idea of 'winning' means there's a competition.  maybe that's something that can be evicted - the idea that you're in competition.  i don't know - just a thought.  you'd know better than me what would work best for you.

still sitting with you thru all this, allie.  you're worth it.  love and a gently 'evictual' hug.

I watched Inside Out the other day.  I'm reminded of the tube that Joy and Sadness got sucked into. :-)

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 21, 2018, 07:27:30 PM
you can evict anyone you want.  maybe start small, see how that goes, what it feels like. 

:yeahthat: Start small, start easy.

Your day on the 21st sounded like pretty much work and tasks/appointments. I'm not surprised you need naps. Good on you for taking them.  :thumbup:

I'm sending you some comforting thoughts and hugs, if that is okay.  :hug:

Quote from: Sceal on April 23, 2018, 06:22:09 AM
I'm sending you some comforting thoughts and hugs, if that is okay.  :hug:

Thank you.

Yesterday I had a breast biopsy, all for calcifications in my left breast that, magnified, are the size of the head of a pin. 

Today I am sporting a bandage on my left breast, I slept in a bra, and I'm waiting to hear results.  My surgeon said that there's an 85% chance that everything will be benign, but if there's anything there, it's kind of like a "Casper the Friendly Ghost" thing, where it just pops up and says, "boo!" and it's easy to get rid of. 

While I'm mildly whining about having a biopsy and all the inconvenience, I'm both grateful and fascinated by the technology we have that can find such tiny, tiny things and can take care of them before they become a big problem!

Hi Alliematt,
Just wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Hi Alliematt,
I hope that everything goes well with the biopsy. And sending you a hug, if that's okay?  :hug:

I wanted to scream at my son today.  I am so tired of him constantly talking about his TV shows.  I don't always understand what he's saying, and he's not always capable of communicating in a way I can understand.  I hate autism.  I hate depression.  Someone said it sounded like I needed a break, could I get away for an hour or so.  I answered, if you could count tomorrow's chiropractic appointment as a break, yes, I can get away. 

I'm such a people pleaser it's not even funny.  My BFF says I need to stop worrying about what other people think.  For the life of me, I don't  know how to stop.  I'm afraid of being hollered at and ganged up on.  I don't know what to think or what to believe anymore, and telling me to "stop overthinking" doesn't really help.

Well, maybe this counts as self-care:  Several new sports bras, a few tunic-length shirts I can wear over leggings or pants, a new griddle, and a table which I can use for the computer while sitting in front of the TV. 

Now I have to go proof in order to pay for all of it!

You're worth it Allie  :hug:

Good news, BIOPSY'S NEGATIVE!!!

 :cheer:

so very happy to hear that, allie.  and love the self-care.  beautiful.  love and hugs.

I took a mental health day yesterday, but it didn't seem to help, because today I'm dealing with depression yet again.  The words, you're not a cool kid, you're not an opinion leader, and you're not an influencer are going around in my head.  I feel like nothing I say or do matters, and that I will never figure out who or what to believe.   

i hate it when those types of messages sit inside on a turntable, repeating, repeating, repeating like there's a scratch in the record.  don't know if you're even familiar with records, allie, to tell the truth, but it came to me cuz those are old messages of yours are from long before, like records are an old way of communicating. 

very sorry your mental health day didn't help much.  those sound like ICr messages, and i say 'pooh!' to anything from our inner critics.  they're old news, belong in the past, and 'away with thee'.   you can talk back to them, allie, if you've got the strength or energy.  you're bigger than they are now.

staying with you thru this, sweetie.  i know it's tough, but i also know we're tougher.  we've beat it this long.  love and a big hug.

I can't figure out who's lying or who's telling the truth anymore.  IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!

I can relate to the frustration, pain and sadness of not knowing how to trust anyone that they are saying the truth or if they actually mean what they are saying.
I'll just sit here with you, if you want and if it's okay.

Quote from: Sceal on May 03, 2018, 09:35:14 PM
I can relate to the frustration, pain and sadness of not knowing how to trust anyone that they are saying the truth or if they actually mean what they are saying.
I'll just sit here with you, if you want and if it's okay.

That helps.  Thanks. :-)

Today I decided to make things better.

I went to Weight Watchers and then dropped off some stuff at Goodwill.  The rest of today, I'll be working in 30-minute shifts between proofing and housework.

wow, allie.  look at you!  i'm so jazzed for you.  big hug and lots of love.

Glad you have some order and productivity in your life, allie.  :)

One step of self-care:  I had a lunch to go to today and praise team practice tonight, so I chose not to take any work today because I knew it would be too much of a load to handle. :-)

wow!  if it's my place to say it, i'm so proud of what you've been doing, allie.  so much positivity you've been bringing into your life.  you go, girl!  love and hugs.

Annd, just like that, depression is back. 

Today I don't feel well.  I think my adrenals have crashed.

I have been trying to write a novel.  I don't have brain cramp, I have brain FREEZE because I'm so afraid of not getting it right. 

(TRIGGER WARNING FOR THE FOLLOWING)

Today there was a school shooting.  I've had it.  Nothing we do--no prayers, no thoughts, no marches, no advocacy--will change anything.  We all hate each other and it's getting worse.  I want to run away from home and never come back.  Someone told me that God will deal with it in His time, but that does really help how things are right NOW.  I still have to pay the rent and put food on the table and pay debt. 

(END TRIGGER)

My son is obsessing over TV "reboots" and an iPod battery we ordered from Batteries Plus. 

I'm too overwhelmed to count points at Weight Watchers. 

And I have 200 pages to proof by Monday.

This is why I've been posting "I give" lately in so many places.

sitting with you, allie, holding your hand.  sending you love and hugs.  i'm just so sorry for everything that's happening.

More and more, I'm finding myself saying, "I give.  I give.  I give."  It's impossible to figure out anything anymore.   And yes, it DOES seem like that everyone else out there IS more powerful that I am!!!  If you have money and a big mouth, people will listen.  I have neither.

i've got a big mouth, but no money, so people dismiss me.  besides, what comes out of my mouth is not what a lot of people want to hear anyway.  one foot in front of the other is the only way i know how to keep moving forward.  and, it's ok to give.  sometimes it's just too much to carry on with. 

we're not always going to make a difference in the grand scheme of things.  the only thing i do know is that i can love the people close to me, smile at strangers as i walk past, and support those who i have energy to do so with.   the rest of the world has to turn without me now.  it's on its own collision course.  i can't stop it, but i can do my best for the people i care about, including you and the others here.  you're all important to me.

love and hugs, allie, love and hugs.

Well, I rested, drank a cup of tea last night, and then went to bed; got up late, and after working a bit on my proofing, I've paid the bills and now I'm staring at a LARGE pile of paper that's been sorted and needs to be filed.

:fallingbricks:

But at least I can handle that part.

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

 :thumbup: :cheer: :cheer: on the part you can handle. As san says, one foot in front of the other and ime it's easiest to start where I can handle it.

I just feel so absolutely broken after this latest shooting.  Last night I tried 3 mgs of melatonin for sleep and it did not work.  I have a headache from it and my anxiety level has gone up. 

Can only send  :hug: :hug: and empathy allie

I'm sorry I just can't seem to get any better.  I'm supposed to be a person of faith but faith really isn't helping at the moment.  Everyone has an agenda, we all hate each other, and nothing gets done.  And it's impossible to figure out who to trust.  Being told to "do your own research and make up your own mind" says to me, "if you do that, you'll discover I"m right."  I don't know what sources to go to that I can trust where I CAN "do my own research and make up my own mind". 

all i know for certain, allie, is that i don't find hate here among these people.  they're the ones that help hold my faith up.  love and hugs.

I feel better today. :-)  After finishing proofing today, I chose not to take any work over the long weekend.

And in good news, our credit card has been paid off!!!!

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: That must feel so good! Money and debt worries don't help anything.

I suspect I may be coming down with a cold.  Thankful that today is a holiday so I can rest.

 :party: Hurray! Great news about the credit card being paid down! Financial worries can be a real stresser!

I hope it's a quickly passing cold. The two things I consume plenty of when I feel a physical sickness coming on is garlic soup with extra garlic and ginger and lemon tea with honey. Boosting the immunesystem. :)
I hope you have a good resting-day!

sorry about the cold, but o so glad about the credit card debt.  that's fabulous, allie.  i hope you get the rest you need and your illness leaves you quickly.  love and hugs, sweetie.

I did rest yesterday.  Now I need to get back to work. :-)

:: snarl :: Had an awful day yesterday, probably from recovering from being ill, had awful, near-suicidal thoughts yesterday.  I did journal them, which was definitely healthier than acting on them.  (Note:  I DO NOT HAVE PLANS TO ACT ON THOSE THOUGHTS.)

I feel a bit better today, and while I have plenty to stress over, I have wondered if my hormone levels have anything to do with how I feel.  I use a patch twice a week and cream twice a week and I don't know if my estrogen levels are optimum or not.  I'm due for a GYN checkup soon and I plan to ask about this.

good idea, allie, on checking with the doc on that.  those hormones can sure knock us off our game.

i love your 'snarl', loved that you were able to get that out. 

glad you're beginning to feel better, tho. that's always a good thing, to my mind.  keep taking care of you, ok?  love and hugs, sweetie.

I feel much better.  I took my son to an "adult" doctor for the first time and he did GREAT!  (The doc is also my doc, she is a family practitioner and, in fact, took care of my son when he was a baby.  We started taking him to a pediatrician when he was a toddler at her suggestion, thinking that that might be a better fit.)

He had a fasting blood draw done and didn't flinch.  He was a bit ticklish when she was checking his stomach but that's par for the course for a lot of people. 

I have very good reason to be proud of him!

Happy to hear the visit to the doc went over expectations!  :cheer:

I had been doing reasonably well these last few days.  It seems like the stuff I come here to talk/vent about is not so much C-PTSD as it is the everyday frustrations that pile on, one after the other after the other after the other. 

The latest?  My left hip has started to hurt.  My legs don't feel even, even after chiropractic treatment, so last week I went to a podiatrist and asked about a shoe lift.  They gave me one.  And I think I have screwed up my back even worse.  The podiatrist said that my left knee looked like it was bowing inward and that if the shoe lift didn't help, I'd probably need to see an orthopedic surgeon. 

So guess what I'm looking for today.

A friend of mine had a hip replacement done recently and I asked her who she saw.  She gave me a name and I may be heading there.

It seems like all I'm doing lately is going from one doctor to another for one condition after another.  If it's not the hip/knee/back/leg, it's the thyroid, it's the bladder, it's the jaw (I see a TMJ dentist tomorrow), it's the fatigue, it's the depression.  Or, it's me taking my son to the naturopath monthly.  Or it's me worried about my weight, and right now, I'm just too overwhelmed to count Weight Watchers points.  Or, it's me dealing with my son day in, day out.

Today I was kicking myself for being lazy, and then I said to myself, "It's not that I'm lazy so much as I am overwhelmed."   

o allie, i hope you don't need hip surgery, that it's just some inflammation or something.   not that that isn't painful, but the cure is a lot less intrusive.   good luck.

i know only too well about running from doc to doc. it can be so wearing.  happily, i'm pretty much finished with that.  hang tough, sweetie - eventually it will come to an end.

running here and there, having to think about this and that without a break - yeah, i agree with 'overwhelmed' rather than 'lazy' as an assessment of you in such a situation. 

i think a lot of those frustrations might be rooted in c-ptsd stuff. such as a lot of your medical issues.   i know mine have.  the body keeps the score and all that.  our bodies have held so much for us for so long, they have to begin to break down after a while.  that would make for a c-ptsd origin.

hang tough, allie.   we're standing with you on all this.   love and hugs.

I had a meltdown last night with BFF.  So tired.  So overwhelmed.  And don't have a shovel to dig out from the mess.

so very sorry, sweetie.  if i could, i'd hand you that shovel.  all i can offer are love and hugs, but they're yours.   :hug: :hug: :hug:

Well, the one bit of good news is that I probably have bursitis in my hip.  I have some meds and exercises to do.

What is wrong with me???

I am convinced that there are a couple of people in my church's praise team group that don't like me . . . And there's not one shred of objective evidence to prove it.  Except that they seem "friendlier" to others than they do to me. 

And when I suspect that people don't like me, I start turning into a little puppy that's begging for attention, like going, "Pant, pant, pant, please like me!" 

My counselor says it's my right brain trying to protect me from getting hurt because I HAVE in the past had people not like me. 

If I scan my journal entries, it just looks like it's the same issues I post, over and over and over again.  Where's the improvement?  When do I get better?  When can I walk into a room and not worry about, do you like me? 

And sometimes I hate social media because of all the screaming about current events.  This has been a day where I just want to throw up my hands and scream, "The #### with it!!"  No one wants to listen and everyone lies.

allie, personally i do think you're making progress.  if i recall, in the past, you talked about no one liking you.  this post says 'a couple people'.  that's a big difference.  so, to my mind, it's not the same issue, because you've moved ahead with your perspective.

i totally get the idea of wanting everyone to like me, and have felt very uncomfortable when i found out that wasn't the case.  your t may be correct that you've got either a coping or survival mechanism going on because of past experience.  those are difficult to challenge. 

from what i know of you thru this forum, you seem like a likeable person on the whole.  may i suggest you just be yourself, go about your business, smile at people - be a welcoming presence if at all possible - and if some people still don't like you, they've got something lacking in them.  or maybe they carry the 'snob' gene in their dna.  whatever. 

one of the hardest lessons i had to learn is that not everyone is going to like me no matter what i do.  a bitter pill to swallow.  still, there it is.  i wish those people would see the beautiful person in you that i see, would get off their high horses, and show some humanity.  it seems that the more i get to know about people, the less i understand them.  i always thought it would be the other way around.

sending love and a hug filled with acceptance, caring, and kindness.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 21, 2018, 02:27:16 PM
allie, personally i do think you're making progress.  if i recall, in the past, you talked about no one liking you.  this post says 'a couple people'.  that's a big difference.  so, to my mind, it's not the same issue, because you've moved ahead with your perspective.

i totally get the idea of wanting everyone to like me, and have felt very uncomfortable when i found out that wasn't the case.  your t may be correct that you've got either a coping or survival mechanism going on because of past experience.  those are difficult to challenge. 

from what i know of you thru this forum, you seem like a likeable person on the whole.  may i suggest you just be yourself, go about your business, smile at people - be a welcoming presence if at all possible - and if some people still don't like you, they've got something lacking in them.  or maybe they carry the 'snob' gene in their dna.  whatever. 

one of the hardest lessons i had to learn is that not everyone is going to like me no matter what i do.  a bitter pill to swallow.  still, there it is.  i wish those people would see the beautiful person in you that i see, would get off their high horses, and show some humanity.  it seems that the more i get to know about people, the less i understand them.  i always thought it would be the other way around.

sending love and a hug filled with acceptance, caring, and kindness.

You sound like you had a talk with my counselor about me. :-)  I have a very overactive right brain which wants to protect me from being hurt, and that unfortunately has lots of experience with being hurt. 

But, I was reminded that 1) I am normal, and 2) it's important to remind my brain that it doesn't have to go to DEFCON 5 if it thinks someone doesn't like me. :-)

So I am feeling much better now.  Thank you for the feedback!!

One thing I am doing is participating in Camp NaNo, an offshoot of National Novel Writing Month (an event where you're challenged to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days.  It doesn't have to be good, it just has to be 50,000 words.)

One of the reasons I'm doing this is to ignore current events. 

So what's the subject I picked?

Two people trying to help RFK get elected in 1968.

The irony is that I'm ignoring politics . . . by writing about politics.

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

good for you, allie.  it sounds like an interesting challenge, one that could certainly be a great distraction from the political scene.  the politicos you're writing about are worlds away from what's happening now.

i think i'm going to look into that myself.  sounds like it could be fun at the same time putting those brain cells to work.  good luck with your endeavor.   love and hugs, sweetie.

Monday I had another fatigue spell.  And the absolute screaming about current events is impossible to ignore.

I looked at a thread on here that talked about being robbed, and . . . YES.  I feel robbed.  I feel absolutely cheated out of so much.  I was bullied, I was spiritually abused, I've had problems with roommates and with my family . . . WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE ALL OF THIS?

I feel robbed of decent, close relationships with people, with my family, I feel robbed of a healthy relationship with God, sometimes I feel totally cheated because I have a kid with autism that ought to be driving, taking girls out, and going to college instead of being holed up with his iPad.  I shouldn't have to worry about, what will happen to him when I die. 

I shouldn't have to be so anxious about disagreeing with people.  I shouldn't have to worry about, do they like me?  Will they like me?  I worry about making friends and I worry about being liked. 

I just feel totally, totally robbed and cheated out of so much. I live in a world where I can't seem to cope a lot of the time, where I react out of fear and probably self-pity.  And no one likes self-pity!

i'm glad you got some of that out, allie.  i'm with you, sweetie, all the way.  sending hugs and love and care.

Okay, I hope one of the sources of my frustration has been eliminated, or at least reduced.

I spent all day yesterday having a new antivirus program scan my computer.  It's running much faster now.  For the time being. :-)  I use my computer to make money so it's important that it works properly.

I thought I wrote this before, but I may not have hit "post".

I posted something somewhere that I shouldn't have, and while I'm trying to tell myself that I did nothing wrong, I am also battling fear, fear, fear.

I am afraid of being hollered at.  I am afraid of being criticized harshly.  My mother DID yell at me.  I DID get harshly criticized by bullies and by people in the church.  In the middle of a lecture, my mother once said something about "going crazy" (she wasn't accusing me of being crazy, I can no longer remember the exact context, but it was in the middle of a lecture she was giving me that started after I'd done something or said something, and the first words she said to me were -- very angrily-- "everyone makes mistakes".)

I told her, "That's what I"m afraid of.
She yelled back, "That's all I ever hear from you!! I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid!"

I was 17 when she told me that.

WOULDN'T YOU BE AFRAID IF YOU'D BEEN HOLLERED AT AND BULLIED FOR 12 YEARS IN SCHOOL???

My BFF told me a few years ago, you are always so afraid.

WOULDN'T YOU BE AFRAID IF, EVERY TIME YOU MADE A MOVE, IT WAS COMMENTED ON, MOCKED, OR CRITICIZED FOR WHATEVER REASON??

And wouldn't you be afraid if some of that criticism was done "because I love you and I want to see you be the best Christian you can be"? 

The criticizers WERE more powerful.  They DID have the power.  And I still feel powerless.

Quote from: alliematt on July 02, 2018, 05:46:48 PM
WOULDN'T YOU BE AFRAID IF YOU'D BEEN HOLLERED AT AND BULLIED FOR 12 YEARS IN SCHOOL???

WOULDN'T YOU BE AFRAID IF, EVERY TIME YOU MADE A MOVE, IT WAS COMMENTED ON, MOCKED, OR CRITICIZED FOR WHATEVER REASON??

The criticizers WERE more powerful.  They DID have the power.  And I still feel powerless.

Yes.
And yes. My fear of criticism in the second instance has been paralysing me for years.

I can relate to an awful lot of what you wrote, except that I don't and didn't have the "Christian" stuff going on.

Still feeling powerless sounds like an EF. I hope you can find and/or afford T that will help you learn to manage those EFs. As I heal bit by bit, I'm taking back more of my own power and reducing power that FOO has over me, but I'm in trauma-informed T. Without it I'm sure things wouldn't have progressed this far for me. (For others maybe). I just wanted to validate you and hope that writing about it has helped you a bit.

I had a nice chat with the counselor today, and one thing she told me that can help when you are in a "shame spiral" (I'm swiping the term because I like it!) is to talk to trusted people.  I have a BFF that qualifies.

I told her that yesterday, I went to Walmart for some stuff and I had a meltdown/tantrum on the way there.  I was so frustrated and so angry over events (and one of them was my computer not working properly; it gave me the blue screen of death at least three separate times in 30 minutes) that I yelled, screamed, cussed, etc.  But, I had encounters with people at Walmart where I was reasonably pleasant and even had a chat with a Walmart employee that's starting her own YouTube channel.

She told me that that said a lot, right there, because many people would go into Walmart and be mean and nasty. 

Then I realized that I probably have a whole lot more self-control than I give myself credit for having.  The other piece of credit I will give myself is that I didn't scream at my son or at my husband, although I did yell at him briefly about the blue screen of death.  He knew I wasn't mad at him.   

I talked about being in my "right mind", and something I thought was funny was that the logical, rational part of the brain is usually the left side . . . so in order to be in my "right" mind, I have to use my "left" brain.  :)

I don't like it when I "lose it" as often as I think I do, when I get mad and spiral downward into this spiral of shame and guilt.  Afterwards, I look back on my postings, and what I said or thought or screamed, and I feel embarrassed.

I'm about to leave for a GYN appointment.  I'm due for a new prescription on my hormones and I'm going to ask her about the connection between hormones and depression.   

Today I am physically ill so I am resting.  And after reading one too many negative posts on social media, I decided that I didn't have to drown in negativity. 

So I'm going to hunt up one of my Hitchcock movies and watch that! :-)

Well, I am back.  I had an enjoyable vacation and now I'm trying to slide back into a routine.

welcome back, allie.  glad it was a pos. experience for you.  getting back to a routine can take a bit of time, so i hope you can go easy on yourself.  sending love and hugs.

Today has been pretty good.  My computer is BACK from the repair shop and moving much faster.  My cynical self says, let's see how long it lasts. :-) 

I recently asked my GYN to up the dose on my hormones, and I think that has been helping me as well.  I did have a minor meltdown when I came back and started scanning social media again; there are just times I want to throw up my hands and say, "Forget it all!!" 

Someone suggested I might want to look at moral scrupulosity.  As I understand it, it's a manifestation of OCD where you are worried about doing even one tiny thing wrong for fear of being punished.  I'm sure I deal with religious scrupulosity, and I am also the person who, if she says that she's going to get there at 8 and gets there at 8:01, ends up apologizing for being late.  I also tend to be overly detailed when I tell a story because I'm afraid if I leave one little detail out, I will be accused of lying. 

Even though I feel OK right now, I am not going to say I am "healed".  The stuff that I and everyone else on this board deals with is a constant, lifelong fight.

So wonderful to hear that you're feeling okay!  :cheer: And that you've had a good day.

Being worried of doing something wrong, or being late is very reckognizeable to me. I've been asked time and time again "what's the worst that can happen" and figuring that out in smaller situation helps me realize that if the worst was to come, it's not so bad that I can't handle it. And chances are that the worst wont come. Perhaps this exersize might help you too?

I still feel reasonably good.  What I am dealing with right now are mostly the day to day frustrations, and I have plenty.  Yesterday I took my son to a naturopath's appointment that takes nearly three hours out of my day (nearly an hour driving there, about a half hour give or take in the office, and then an hour driving home; and I also live in an area that is notorious for bad traffic!)  I crashed when I got home and then, instead of cooking dinner, I ordered from Chick-Fil-A.  Yesterday I felt guilty about it.  Today, I realized that if I didn't have the energy, I didn't have the energy.  Tough. :-) 

While I think that upping my dose of female hormones has helped me, I'm reluctant to say that, "Ah, this did the trick for me, I'm cured!  Everyone else must check their hormone levels because that must be their problem!' 

I think about what Patty Duke wrote in her autobiography.  When she learned that she had bipolar disorder, she saw her meds as a tool to help her begin "mopping up the debris" in therapy.  That's how I see my own medical care.  I see meds as a tool, therapy as a tool, etc. Therapy doesn't replace necessary medicine; nor would medicine replace necessary therapy.  I hope that makes sense.

(Trigger warning:  Sexual and other abuse referred to.)

"Only in an environment in which abuse of all kinds is normalized could sexual abuse on this scale happen."

I have never been sexually abused.  But last night, I read an excerpt from a new forward to the book Little Girls in Pretty Boxes, which is about the toxic environment in which too many elite gymnasts and figure skaters are subject to.  That sentence jumped out at me. 

Because the abuse that I was subject to -- the bullying and the spiritual abuse -- was ABSOLUTELY normalized.

It was normalized in the sense that I was told I had to ignore it, put up with it, it's a part of life, and things were never going to change. 

The spiritual abuse, specifically, was normalized in that we were told:  you need to speak the truth in love, you need to listen or you're not being submissive, all of this is supported by the Bible, and the biggie:  if you leave us, you leave God.

I was furious when I read that sentence.  And I think I should be.  It's not about "you haven't forgiven", it's about, "No, that was absolutely NOT normal and I never, ever should have been treated like that."

As many times as victims are told to forgive and forget, why are we not asking the perps, why did you do this? the same number of times?  That should be the real question!

 :pissed: :pissed:

This is what I felt like today, and I don't really know what triggered me.  I have a few suspicions:  I haven't slept very well for a few nights, and last night, I gave in and took some Benadryl, which made me feel groggy when I got up.  I had work for pay to do, and I just did not want to do it, I resented doing it, and what I felt like was stomping all over the place and throwing things. 

I have bursitis in my hip, and I've been recently getting pain and torture -- er, physical therapy -- twice a week.  It's helping, but boy, the guy worked me hard!

So today, I opted out of praise team practice, finished up my work, will go to bed early, and I won't take any more work for the rest of the week.  Not because I resent working, but because I have PT tomorrow, back to school night (for my son) tomorrow evening, counseling session Friday, a church retreat Saturday, church Sunday, church small group Sunday evening.  I'm sure a full schedule is not helping me, and what's odd is that I don't always realize how busy I am until someone says, "Boy, I'm out of breath just reading that!" 

Rest will help!

I was doing OK up until a few days ago.  Now I'm back to, "I give, I give, I give, I give."  Everything I believe is wrong.  Everything everyone else believes is right.  If I talk, I will get shouted down and THEY, whoever THEY are, will ALWAYS get the last word in!  I'm wrong, they're right, and it will NEVER change. 

major trigger warning here, I'm referring to a shooting

This past week, a shooting took place in another city where the shooter was an off-duty cop.  The victim is a graduate of a private college that many of our church members are familiar with.  So, a lot of people on my social media feeds are talking about this, and I am totally heartbroken.  Nothing in our society ever seems to change.  In fact, it's getting worse and worse day by day, and the only way to protect myself is to go and live on a private island.

Well . . . life has been interesting this week.

I had a horrendous proofing job on Monday.  Wednesday, I needed to take my son to his program because he missed his bus.

Wednesday night, I had chest pains and my husband took me to the ER.  The short version is that after having my tronopin levels tested and finding them slightly elevated, I was admitted to the hospital. I've had a CAT scan and a chemical stress test, and my heart is working fine.  So I was discharged yesterday and advised to follow up with my doc, which I am going to do on Monday. 

They have ruled out a heart attack.  I'm wondering if I had my first panic attack.

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

Bad day.  I thought I was doing so well but then I've had this downhill slide.

:fallingbricks:

*brings you a cup of tea *

I think your cup of tea helped.  I feel much better today and I'm wonder if this was a drop in hormones. 

A friend at church informed me that I was "grounded" from going back to the hospital.  :)

(Warning:  this entry does contain mention of suicidal thoughts, may be triggering)

I'm feeling better today, but I am also rather discouraged with myself. 

Wednesday night/Thursday morning, when I was going to the ER and waiting in the ER, my prayer was, "My story's not over yet.  I don't want to die."

Saturday night, my mood had plunged to the point where I was thinking, "I want to die," and even deciding the day on which I'd do it.  Even then, though, I had enough sense to tell myself that certain people would be horrified if I did do it. 

Saturdays are the evenings in which I use my estrogen cream and change my estrogen patch.  The tube I'm using for the cream is almost empty and I'm trying to squeeze every.last.bit out because that stuff is expensive ($100 copay per tube, fortunately, it lasts a while.)  While I have an applicator that measures how much I put in, when the tube is almost empty, it's hard to get what I need into the applicator.  And I also see the controversy about hormone replacement therapy and how it raises the risk for cancer, and how some people think you shouldn't even do hormone replacement therapy; but apparently, if I DON'T do it, I will wind up in a severe, near-suicidal depression.  So what's my choice?  Die of cancer or die of suicide?

When I woke up yesterday, I felt much better, and church helped.  But to me, it's rather discouraging and demoralizing when I seem to be so dependent on certain chemicals to help me feel better.  And it's scary to think that I could fall so far into a hole to even think about suicide.

I see my doc today for a follow-up and I hope I will get some guidance then. 

good luck with the doc, allie.  i hope you get some questions answered.

i, too, am dependent on certain meds to make my life liveable.  they may be hurting my body elsewhere, but to me, quality of life right now is most important.  there may be a time in the future when i can do something different, and that's when i'll look at my options a bit more closely.  till then, i'm going to take my chances.

sorry you're going thru such a rough patch, sweetie.  it sucks, i know.  sending love and hugs.

The doc says I have costocondritis, which is inflammation of the cartilage around the breastbone.  Nothing major to worry about.  That is good news.

Today I had my ladies' group, and while I love them dearly, the same problem came up that comes up over and over and over again often when I am in groups just standing around and talking.  Either I can't get a word in edgewise when I want to say something, or I get a few syllables out before I'm interrupted.  And it's not just this group of women.  I've had it happen in other groups of women.  I've had it happen at work.  It doesn't seem to matter who I am with, eventually, it happens.

Today, I tried THREE TIMES to say something.  Each time, I only got a few words out before someone else started talking.  The third time was the worst.  I was starting to say something when across the room, someone said, "Yoo-hoo, this whole conversation is interesting over there, but what we really want to know is, did you make this food here?"

I slipped into the bathroom and screamed under my breath, "I GIVE UP!!"  About the only thing I can give myself credit for is not throwing a tantrum in front of everyone.

When I came out, the woman I had been talking to did take up the conversation we'd been having and I was able to finish what I wanted to say. 

But I just feel like saying, "I give!  I give!  It's impossible for me to talk in a group so I'm just not going to try anymore!"

Add in autism, money worries, health worries, clutter, mess, and everything else . . . maybe that's why I got chest pains last week!!

I give!  It's impossible to figure out who lies, who tells the truth, and how to solve all the problems I have!  I give!!

:fallingbricks: ??? ???

Aw dear Allie!
Those social interactions can be so difficult to navigate. And it cuts really deep when you keep being interrupted over and over again.
I'm so sorry that you had to experience this today.
And I want to say it's really great that you tried three times, even when it's so hard. That's alot of strength.

a gentle  :hug:, if it is okay?

I give.  That seems to be the most common sentence in my head these days.

No matter what I think, do, or say, someone is ready to pounce on me to tell me that I'm wrong, and YES, sometimes the "other side" IS powerful enough to blame, shame, and silence.  They are more powerful and have more resources and they can get more people on their side.  People listen to them.  They don't listen to people like me.  I can't even talk in a crowd of relatively friendly people without getting interrupted!

I'm waving the white flag.  I give.  It's impossible to figure out what the truth is about anything anymore.  I'm exhausted from trying to untangle the lies from the truth.  IT IS IMPOSSIBLE.

I feel like I am always the one who is wrong and has to change.  No one else does.  Yesterday I screamed at my best friend.  Fortunately, she can take it. 

Everything just seems wrong.  I feel like all of my foundations have been or are being ripped out from under me and I don't know what to replace them with. 

Hey Allie,
I've been reading and wanting to pop in the last week or so, but didn't have words yet.

I know that feeling, you feel like you are fading into the background and the universe is working against you when you want to speak up.

I'm glad your best friend could take it.  Sometimes we need that little release to take the edge off.  Our balloon can only take so much before it pops.  When it does pop, it tends to be on the ones we care about most.

Good job journaling, did it help to release the tension at all? Take care as best you can.  :hug: if they feel ok

It helps a bit to write and at least try to organize thoughts. 

I know it seems like I'm just full of self-pity and want everyone to feel sorry for me.  I feel like I'm just falling backwards.  I feel powerless.

It doesn't sound like self-pity or that you want anyone to feel sorry for you!

It sounds like you are struggling and just want someone to tell you things get better. 

Honey, you are struggling and things will get better.  That backwards motion will slow and you will find your feet again.

In the mean time Take care of yourself the best you can.

Quote from: Deep Blue on September 22, 2018, 04:16:44 PM
It doesn't sound like self-pity or that you want anyone to feel sorry for you!

Thanks, Deep Blue.  I've been told at least twice in my life that what I'm dealing with IS self pity and that I just want people to feel sorry for me.  Both of those were many years ago and one of those people was a person who held some power in the church group I was in. 

I'm just not having a very good time of it right now.  It seems like everyone lies and everyone can "prove" that their lies are the truth.  I'm also having a lot of computer frustrations.  And since I work from home, I NEED the computer to work properly.  In fact, I'm typing this on my iPad instead of my computer because the iPad works better.  I took Facebook off of my phone and iPad because on my computer, I have a way I can filter out things I don't want to see on FB.  BUT, FB at times runs SO SLOWLY on my computer that I can barely use it.  So I ended up putting the app back on my phone and turning off notifications . . . BUT, I can't filter out the stuff I don't want to see when I us FB on my phone and iPad.

I told my ladies' group yesterday that the only two places I get face to face contact are through church and Weight Watchers. 

Yesterday and today I felt and feel pathetic.  I feel fat, lazy, frumpy, shabby, tacky and cheap.  I'm ashamed of and embarrassed by my house.  I'm ashamed of the neighborhood I live in and moving is not an option.  I'm ashamed of my lack of wealth.  I'm ashamed of my depression and other mental health struggles.  I'm exhausted from trying to figure out the truths and the lies, and the lies seem to be winning.  People twist everything to their advantage and the bullies ALWAYS win.

 :hug: :hug: :hug: I think you're great ❤️

I'm glad someone does. 

My biggest problem is that I am afraid of losing my support system no matter what side I take on any particular issue. 

I''m trying to figure out who I will not lose no matter what.  I can think of two people; hubby and BFF.  (I guess my son counts as well. :-) )

I think too often people get stuck on defending their own point of view without realizing that everyone is entitled to their own viewpoint, and that there's room in this world for everyone to have their own interpretation of things like faith, friendship, etc. and we don't need to argue.

You deserve support and you deserve to be around supportive, inclusive people. You deserve to have your views heard without judgment or correction. Discussion is one thing, but browbeating congregants into agreeing and toeing the line is unacceptable in my viewpoint.

Quote from: Three Roses on September 27, 2018, 03:59:49 PM
I think too often people get stuck on defending their own point of view without realizing that everyone is entitled to their own viewpoint, and that there's room in this world for everyone to have their own interpretation of things like faith, friendship, etc. and we don't need to argue.

You deserve support and you deserve to be around supportive, inclusive people. You deserve to have your views heard without judgment or correction. Discussion is one thing, but browbeating congregants into agreeing and toeing the line is unacceptable in my viewpoint. 

I'm glad you feel that way.  I fear losing my support system if I say what I think, feel, etc.  And among certain groups of people, it's been made very clear over and over again that views similar to the ones I hold are not welcome and not acceptable. I think I do a decent job of accepting that others have differing opinions than I do.  What I don't believe is that others accept that I have a different opinion from them. 

What do you do when you are so overwhelmed you don't even know where to start?

Advice says, pick one small thing.  But I don't even know what small thing to pick.

Advice says, ask for help.  But I have experience in asking for help and hearing "no", so too often, I give up trying.  The evening that I had my chest pain episode, I had had a horrendous day with my son--I had to take him to his work site because he  missed the bus, and when I shared that with my husband, he asked what he could do to help.  I asked him how much he knew about making grilled cheese sandwiches, which was that night's.  His answer:  "Very little."

It's GRILLED CHEESE, for goodness' sake.  GRILLED CHEESE!

That just seems to be a metaphor right now.  I feel so overwhelmed, and people sometimes offer help and sympathy, but the help I need, I rarely get, and I'm at the point where I don't know what I need or who to ask!  Just like asking for help for something as simple as GRILLED CHEESE and being told, I can't help you there!

And then I end up complaining and whining to people about how bad I have it . . . and deep down, there is this belief that, things are this way, they must be this way, they will be this way, and no matter what I do or say, things will never, ever, ever change. 

We talked about saying no and setting margins and boundaries in my ladies' group today.  I don't even know what I'm supposed to start with! 

What is it that I'm supposed to do?  I.  Don't.  Know!

Dear Allie.
It's an awful thing when you feel so overwhelmed that seeing clearly is impossible. I'm sending you some strength and kind thoughts.

I do think you have started doing one thing though, you came on here and you wrote down your frustration. And you're asking the question "what am I supposed to do?". it's an important question, even if finding the answer is too far away.

Saying no is so hard, could you say no to your husband about making dinner? That he's an adult too, he'll have to fix it tonight? Or tell him to google how to make grilled cheese?

Quote from: Sceal on October 03, 2018, 05:54:51 AM
Saying no is so hard, could you say no to your husband about making dinner? That he's an adult too, he'll have to fix it tonight? Or tell him to google how to make grilled cheese?

:yeahthat:

i'm with sceal and deep blue on this, allie.   asking for a simple job to be done and getting shut down - i've been there too often in the past, and it feels pathetic.    i hope your hub will figure it out next time you ask for help.   i don't know if you have to stick to a meal plan or anything, but maybe he could choose something to make that he knows how to do - like heat up a can of soup and make some toast!

sending love and a hug filled with strength and clarity.  i agree that even asking the question is a step in the right direction.  maybe put a bunch of 'small things' in a hat and randomly pull one out.  then the decision is made for you.  don't know if that would work for you or not - just something off the top of my head. 

My husband and I had such a horrible time trying to get a sitter for our son so we could go to couple's counseling, I finally stopped asking for people to help.  We wound up taking him with us.  (He sat in the waiting room and actually did OK.)  It's very hard for me to ask people for help and when I finally get up the courage to ask and I hear, no, it makes it that much harder for me to ask again.  I understand that sometimes people say "no" because they can't help.  It's not something personal.  But it still doesn't make it any easier to ask.

I can remember twice when I asked my mother something and she said no.  The first time was when I'd asked if I could spend the night with someone and she said, "No!"  Now, in context, these were people she did not know (they lived next door to my aunt and uncle) and now that' I'm a parent, I definitely understand her saying no. 

The second time was me getting the courage up to ask if I could go over to someone's house and she said, no. 

I know it was only twice, but it was enough for me to start being afraid to ask to go anyplace because I was afraid of hearing no.  (Thinking about it, I realize that there were times I'm sure I asked my parents "can I do?" and they said "yes", but I can still remember being afraid to ask, "will you do this for me/take me someplace" because I didn't want to hear "no".)

I am afraid to ask for help because I don't want to hear, "No!" in such a way that I'm sorry I asked or "yes" in such a way that I'm making the other person feel like they're really being put out.   And in the case of trying to apply for assistance for my son, sometimes I have heard "no" and I feel like I have to fight for something that I shouldn't have to. 

I'm worn out.  I'm constantly complaining about being worn out.  sometimes I think I'd rather whine than try to change things.  Change is just so.much.work and I just don't have the energy for it. 

:fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:

Allie,
In my opinion, asking for help can be VERY hard! The prospect of hearing something you don't want to hear as a response only adds to the fear.

I don't think you are complaining.  It's natural to let out a little steam here.  Sometimes once the pressure is off a little, it can help us clear our heads a bit and build up to trying to fix the problem.  I think writing here is a good starting point.  Take care
Deep Blue

And yet again, I have had a bad day, and I haven't even had lunch yet.

I'm typing this at the library because the computer runs faster here than it does on my home wi-fi (i.e., I'm writing this on a library computer.)
I gained weight this week.
I got FIVE emails from the lady I proofed for pointing out mistakes I made on the transcript I proofed. I have never let that many mistakes go in all the time I've been proofing for her.
My son is making comments about friends that makes me think he feels lonely, and I can't solve that problem for him.
We just paid property taxes this week. Our bank account is low (husband gets paid tomorrow), there's stuff that needs to be done and that I want to do and that we can't afford to do.
My doc says I need to exercise because of my weight. Well, my knee hurts, so I can't walk, and I will probably have to go to the doc about that AND I DON'T WANT TO MAKE YET ANOTHER TRIP TO THE DOCTOR ABOUT SOMETHING!!! He suggested non-weight bearing exercise, like water aerobics, swimming,or an exercise bike. Well, our public pool costs money that we don't have, an exercise bike costs money that we don't have, and while the gym at church IS free, it takes a half hour to get there, and I live in an area where traffic jams are legendary!
My husband's computer has been in the shop. Yesterday he asked me to go pick it up. I had a chiropractor's appointment yesterday and when I remembered that I needed to get the computer, I literally prayed for the energy to drive the interstate, make the exit, turn left, turn right, walk into the door, get computer, walk out the door, and drive home.
And I have more pages to proof that are due Monday.
And do NOT get me started on current events.
And husband has the day off on Monday, and I'm going to tell him that we ARE going to work on some of our son's paperwork, so please put the laptop AWAY!

:fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:
:'( :stars:
:'( :'( :'( :'(
:bawl: :bawl: :bawl: :bawl:
:blowup: :blowup: :blowup: :blowup: :blowup:
:sharkbait: -- this last one is because I FEEL like shark bait!

 :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

just to let you know, i'm with you in spirit, allie.   love and hugs, sweetie.

Standing with you.  :cheer:

Saturday I put my phone on Do Not Disturb and went to dinner with my husband.  We had a very good time.  Tomorrow is my silver wedding anniversary and it was worth celebrating!

Great to hear of your good vibes--you deserve it; thanks for sharing... and congratulations!

:cheer:

Happy anniversary! 🥂💐

Today is my birthday, and I'm not really sure how I feel about this one.

I'm officially in my middle 50's now, I'm probably eligible for a bunch of senior discounts, and I guess I feel the literal and figurative pain of getting older. 

This is the first birthday without my mother.  She wasn't really "there" for my birthday last year, so I don't really feel that loss as much as I might have if she'd been "there". 

And yesterday, I got results of an MRI I had on my knee.  It's been hurting since Labor Day and I don't really know what I did to it.  Turns out I have a slight meniscus tear and a Baker's cyst, and I will be having knee surgery next week.  I think that's a big reason why I don't completely feel the "happy birthday" vibes today.  It's hard to feel the vibes when you're in pain. 

And I miss childhood birthdays.  I miss cake and presents and being sung to.  Nowadays, I get a check from my mom-in-law.  My husband is pretty good about getting gifts if I tell him what I want; he also knows that I enjoy Bath and Body Works.  He got some of that for me last week as an anniversary/birthday gift.   

I don't think I feel sad as much as I feel solemn.

good luck with your surgery - i'm glad you discovered what was causing the pain.

i'm a birthday girl myself - love birthday celebrations, cake and ice cream, presents, a big fuss made over me.  i think as i get older, i still want that childlike feeling of birthdays, even tho i can't really remember them being any big deal when i really was a child.  i guess i want what i've seen on tv and the movies, what i hadn't gotten when i was younger.

so, happy belated birthday to you, allie, you darling birthday girl.  here's some celebration fun for you:

:cake: :party: :waveline: :fireworks: :boogie: :)) :)) :)) :woohoo:

enjoy, birthday girl.  we'll just extend it here one more day.  love and hugs, sweetie.

I had praise team practice last night, and I got sung to. :-)

Wow, cool!

I'm waving hello from my sofa with my leg propped up.  I had arthroscopic surgery on my knee Tuesday.  Husband has been spoiling me since then. 

I sure hope you're feeling better soon! It's nice to be spoiled for a change, eh?  :hug:

After yet another act of violence in our country, I had a minor meltdown online.  This time, though, I was able to have a decent discussion with people that don't necessarily share my opinions but who reminded me that I was free to have mine. 

I'm still distressed over the violence, but I am also weighing a couple of issues in my head: 

1.  Although I have the right to my thoughts, feelings, opinions, etc., my question is:  When, how, where, and with whom do I share them? 
2.  Given that I have a limited amount of resources, where do I allocate those resources? 

I know none of you can answer those questions for me; these are ones I have to answer for myself. 

So much for having a decent day yesterday.  I didn't sleep well last night and stayed home from my ladies' group today.   I got a message back for the person i work for about mistakes I made on yesterday's job.  And I just want to sit here and cry.  I keep analyzing why I want to cry and trying to figure out a reason for it, or what triggered it . . . and just for once, I just want to cry without trying to figure out a reason for it!

I'm so tired of events in the world that I would just rather crawl into a hole.  THEN I get told that no, you can't do that, because then what happens?  I feel like if I don't do whatever my supposed "job" is, I am going to be single-handedly responsible for the death of democracy in the free world.  That's too much of a burden to put on myself or for anyone to dare to put on me. 

My son just got home, and of course, every so often he's going to interrupt what I'm doing in order to show me what he's watching.

And I need to remember to stretch every so often to help my leg heal. 

I probably did some poor planing with the work at home stuff.  I got a job on Friday and didn't start it until Saturday afternoon.  It took me eight hours total over three days -- Saturday, Sunday, and Monday -- to proof 180 pages.  This was a doctor's testimony in a malpractice case.  On Sunday we left the house at 8 a.m. and didn't get back until 7 p.m.  I finally finished this morning and said, I'm going back to bed. 

My husband and I made a list of stuff that needs to be fixed.  It's a lenghty one, starting with the roof. 

Next week I start physical therapy.  Stress level is just getting too high and I don't know how to lower it!!  When do we get the time and where do we get the money to fix everything that we need/want to have fixed?

And I am dealing with envy.  Two ladies in the church group I am part of have husbands who are pilots and OWN PRIVATE PLANES.  (At least one of them has used their plane to load up a bunch of supplies for recent hurricane victims and deliver them. :-) ) Two of them also have homes in another state and they use those for tax purposes (that's their "official residence" in a state that doesn't pay income taxes.)  A few weeks ago, I was listening to a conversation where two ladies were talking about their different credit cards and the points they'd accumulated . . . and here I am, worried about how to pay back debt and how my son will be taken care of when we're gone!

I just messaged a friend that I felt like I was holding on to a stanchion of a merry-go-round that is spinning out of control.  And what does all of this have to do with C-PTSD anyway?

dearest allie,

i think our heightened sensitivity belongs in the c-ptsd dept.  your reaction to violent acts is valid, to my mind, but many others would think you're being 'too sensitive' (that worn-out sentiment we've heard a million times).  also, the isolation you've felt - altho, it sounds like that went better this time, yay! - and the ongoing supervision and care necessary for someone who needs extra from you (just like caring for an infirm parent or chronically ill child) all takes its toll.

it can be traumatizing to be continually stressed out by the needs of someone else, as well as by financial necessities.  you are living in the midst of chronic stressors with very little time or energy to care for yourself.  i'm glad you can vent here, get some of it out.  personally, i think you're doing a great job with everything you deal with on a daily basis.  please, don't sell yourself short.  you have an inner strength that may be difficult for you to acknowledge, but i see it all over the place.

thanks for sharing.  i hope you continue to do so.  you're not alone in this.  one of my c-ptsd triggers was caring for my mentally ill daughter for over 30 yrs. till i finally had to go nc with her.  this is not easy stuff, but you are managing so much with a huge dose of grace and integrity.   i admire you, allie.  love and hugs, sweetie.

Quotei admire you, allie. 

:yeahthat:

Can I run away from home?  I have thoughts about getting into the car, pointing it in one direction, and just driving.  (Marie Osmond did this in a fit of post-partum depression several years ago.) 

In the aftermath of yesterday's elections, I once again feel like I will never be one of "the cool kids".  They are the ones that set the standards in everything, and if you don't measure up, they WILL find a way to make your life miserable.  I call "bull" on "they only have the power you give them".  I never had any power to give to anyone.  They WILL find a way to shame you, lie about you, and they WILL get the last word in. 

What is demoralizing to me is that I just do not see it ever getting better.  Ever.

Alliemat,

I understand your comments re power and bullying.

I also know there are a significant number of people who do not believe in that model, but because of the toxic culture that is the norm they keep themselves well hidden.

As someone on the outside I am just bewildered and aghast. The unbelievable is real? No!

allie, i'm with you all the way.  standing right beside you, sweetie.  we'll do what we can to keep our heads above water, make our own little worlds as safe as possible for ourselves and those we care about.  it's something i can influence, have some control over - just me and my life.  i've had to let the rest of it go - too depressing.

please, take care of you as best you can.  i actually used to get in my car and just drive, and it was very freeing and refreshing.  once i drove from the midwest to cowboy country, turned around and drove back, looking at some tourist spots along the way.  i loved every minute of it.  maybe it would be a big help if you could do some kind of trip, big or small, just for yourself.

love and hugs.

Some people say they dream (talking about literal dreams here) about flying, about experiencing a rush of freedom from it. Those dreams for me involve driving - always in a weathered old pick up truck down winding country roads, with only a huge dog for company. My idea of heaven.  :cloud9:

Who am I supposed to be?  I don't know anymore.  To those who say, be yourself, it was exactly THAT that caused me problems.  It's been made very clear to me over the years that who I am is just not acceptable.  I'm a poor athlete.  I'm smart, but it's not in a science profession, or in business.  I'm not necessarily "woke".  I'm not an extrovert.  I fight depression.  Maybe I'm just tolerated rather than actually liked.

i think you hit on one of the most troublesome questions a lot of us face, allie.  who i was is what got me into most of the problems i encountered along the way.  redefining myself was a process, sometimes bumpy, sometimes confusing, sometimes lit up with 'aha' moments.  it's still ongoing.

we were taught to be a certain way.  deciding if that's our true self is a biggie.  i wish i could give you some wisdom with this, i really do.  just holding out a hand for support and to let you know you're not alone.  you are amazing.   love and hugs.

It's Saturday, I don't feel well physically (sore throat), and I'm trying to get some work done.  My computer may have to go into the shop because the Wi-Fi is just too slow.  My husband and my son keep interrupting me.  My husband is picking up stuff that *I* should be picking up.  And in discussing certain current events, I just told someone (my paraphrase) that every time my side fights, the other side fights harder.  They have more and better resources and public opinion is always on their side.  I've just about resigned myself to the fact that things are never going to get better.  Do you know how demoralizing it is to try and try and try and to never, ever see things change?  (I'm sure this is related to the bullying somehow.  When my sister said to me in 12th grade that "they've been picking on you since grade school", that's when I knew it would never change.  THEY WON.  They ganged up on me, two on one, three on one, etc., and I DID NOT fight back because I was the one who was not supposed to fight back. I still call "bull" on the saying "they only have the power you give them".  THEY are the ones who have ALL the power.  I don't have any way to fight back or stand up for myself!  If I do, I'm only going to be shouted down or shamed.)

I have a load on my plate, as you all so well know, and I just don't think things will ever get better.  I'll struggle with depression, have health problems, take meds, and pay on debt for the rest of my life.  It'll never get paid off and when my husband and I die, our son's estate will have to take care of the debt, which will leave nothing for him.  Then he'll wind up in a state institution with no one to take care of him.  I'm a Christian who's supposed to believe that God will take care of her, but I am really struggling with this at the moment!  There's a voice that says to me, if you don't do your part, don't expect anyone to do it for you.  If you don't advocate for others, don't expect anyone to advocate for you.

And I'm trying to figure out if there's anyone we can spend Thanksgiving with.  It's been just the three of us for so many years, and YES, we've asked around to see if anyone needs a place to go, and YES, in past years we've volunteered at places that feed people, but I'm so tired of being alone at the holidays.  It shouldn't be this hard to find people to spend time with.   I KNOW people usually spend time with family.  I understand that.  (My husband has to work the day after Thanksgiving, otherwise, we'd probably be with family as well.)

And I'm so tired of my son's questions and comments about his programs.  And I can't always understand them or answer them.  And yesterday, I'm not sure, but he might have spit up phlegm in the sink -- and with his communication skills, I don't KNOW how to ask him, "did you spit up in the sink yesterday" in a way that he will understand the question and be able to answer it.  Today I noticed that his nose was a little red and I told him that I was coming down with a cold and was worried that he was sick.  He said, "Huh?" and then said, "No, it's just my allergies," and I don't think he IS allergic to anything.  It just sounds like an answer to give in order to give an answer.  My concern is:  if he's ever ill, will he tell me, and does he have the verbal skills TO tell me?

I feel so guilty and so ashamed for thinking like this.  But the fight has just been beaten out of me.  I'm exhausted in every way it's possible to be exhausted.  There's nothing I can do and nowhere I can go.

allie, our thoughts aren't our actions.  we all think 'stuff' from time to time.  you are overwhelmed and exhausted, stressed to the max.  your mind is crowded with so much that's beyond your control.  please, be gentle with yourself.  that's what you deserve - gentleness and kindness.  sending angel wings to embrace you, keep you protected as you navigate this rough patch you're in.  love and hugs, sweetie.

Stayed home today and tried to get better; I think the rest has helped.  A good friend is also dealing with a crisis involving a family member and all I can really do is listen.

The two words, "I give" have become the most common words in my thoughts these days.  I'm sure people get tired of hearing me write the words, 'I'm overwhelmed."  Well, guess what.  I'm tired of writing them! 

I had a couple of nightmarish proofing jobs this week and one of them was a recording of someone with a very heavy accent that was very difficult to understand. 

Last night, I decided it would be a good idea to take my husband and son to get haircuts while I weighed in at Weight Watchers.  Well, when we got to the shopping center, I said to my husband, you do know where this place is?  He said no.  THIS IS A PLACE HE'S BEEN TO BEFORE!!!  (The shopping center we were at has a couple of outparcles and it can be a bit hard to find places if you don't go very often.). So I just said, pull in in front of the hair cutting place and I'll walk over to WW from there.  Which I did.  ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT WW NO LONGER MEETS THERE ON THURSDAY EVENINGS! 

I went to the grocery store in the shopping center, got some stuff, and waited for my husband and son to get finished.  Then I asked for the keys to the car so I could get gas.  It's MY job to get the gas because I am the one who drives the car most often--and the tank was ON EMPTY when we got to where we were going last night.

And you have my son, who was gasping at everything he heard or saw that looked or sounded familiar. 

Earlier in the week,I met with the ladies' group I meet with every week.  The lady of the house has already decorated for Christmas.  There were several women talking about their grandkids and great-grandkids (one of them has just had her 15th great-grandbaby!) . . . And then there's me, whose son will probably never get married.  It is yet one more way in which I just feel so isolated.

Physically, I'm exhausted.  Exhausted.  Tired.  Overwhelmed.  Those are the words that keep coming up in my vocabulary.  It has to stop.  BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP.

for what it's worth, allie, i don't believe i'll ever have grandchildren, either.  neither of my d's have married, d1 is too messed up to have kids, and d2 can feel her bio clock ticking, with no prospects in sight.  she's pretty much given up on the idea of having her own kids.

i know that doesn't help you much, if at all.  just wanted to let you know that you're not alone with this.  i've had many people stare at me in shock when they found out i had no grandkids.  they couldn't fathom it.  it is what it is - that's how i've had to look at it.

you know, i hope, that i'm with you.  i know you have a plate full of 'stuff', and i know it overwhelms you time and time again.  i wish it were different for you, i truly do, wish there was something i could do or say to make it better.  hang tough, honey.  that's all i know.  sending love and an understanding hug.

Dear Allie  :hug: I wish I had something I could say to help ease your burden! You've been at this for quite a while and I know you are exhausted. ♥️

Most of the dishes are done and drying and I'm folding laundry.  That may be a bit of progress.  I need to take a shower but I can't do it until I have clothes to change into. 

What is wrong with me that I can't seem to get a handle on things?

I think it's huge progress to do dishes and laundry. Personally I hate doing both and are always exhausted after.

dear allie, i don't think anything is wrong with you,  that's what being overwhelmed means - stuff just keeps coming at us and we can't get a break, and our brains can only do so much with that.  you're doing what you can in such a situation, and all credit to you for that.  i admire you and your strength to keep on keepin' on.    :thumbup:    that's huge!

sending love and  :hug: :hug: :hug:

I guess I am overwhelmed.  I need to leave for a chiropractic appointment and I don't want to move from the computer.  I also need to take my son to the dentist today.  Tomorrow I have PT again.

I did tell the people I proof for that I can't take anything that's due tomorrow.  And I'm getting to bed earlier.

Tuesday I sent an emoji waving a white flag to my BFF and when I listed everything I needed to do that week, she said, "Okay, that's a lot."  I probably am busier than I think I am. 

And to be honest, I just want to sit and I want to cry because I just do not feel like I can cope.  And I feel ashamed.

o, honey, i can so relate.  once upon a time, i was in a similar position.  it was horrible.  i was ready to go inpatient, just to get a break from my life.  didn't happen, but i know the feeling.

when i've written down, made an actual list of all that i had been doing and coping with, it was astounding to me.  people would say to me all the time that they didn't know how i managed.  well, i just did it - until i couldn't anymore.  it kept taking its toll unbeknownst to me, until the pressure and expectations swarmed over me, making me sick and fearing for my sanity.  that's when i ran away to mex. and i've been too sick to do much since then.

i hope to heaven that doesn't happen to you.  i'm glad to hear you're beginning to go to bed earlier, getting a bit more rest.  i also hope you can find away to lessen this stress before it renders you unable to be you.  sending love and a caring, compassionate hug, allie.

I have a running list called "the plate" as in, "too much on my".  The list is two-and-a-half 8 1/2 inch by 11 inch pages.

:fallingbricks:

is it any wonder you constantly feel overwhelmed?  i hope that you can find a way to reduce the amount on your plate.  sending you love, allie, and a hug filled with utensils to help you clear some of that stuff off your plate.

Went to Weight Watchers for the first time in a while.  Gained weight.  Not surprised.  Have a bunch of pages to proof over the weekend.  My husband may be furloughed just in time for Christmas (he is a federal employee and there are threats of another government shutdown).  And I just keep feeling that who I am is just.not.good.enough.  It never is.

i guess my perspective is a bit different, allie.  i think you're more than good enough.

dang, i hope that shutdown doesn't happen.  having that hanging over your head, with everything else, totally sucks.

wishing you care and comfort, sweetie.   love and hugs.

And IN ADDITION TO everything else . . .

My son's church group party is tomorrow evening.
At the same time as the party MY church group is having.
My son's party is over 40 minutes from where we live.
To take him there and go to our party would require over an hour or so of driving.  And the same amount of time going back.
We only have one car, so it's not like I can take our son and my husband can go and I can show up later.
We're working on getting him a ride, but if we can't, either our son doesn't go to his party or we don't go to ours.
If we don't go, we miss out on some socialization.
If HE doesn't go, I get to listen to him obsess about Christmas parties (since he has autism, that's one way the autism manifests itself, is in obsessing over certain things), which he's already started to do.

It's not the overarching of "autism, health problems, finances, etc." that get to me.  It's the day after day after day after day of one thing after another after another after another that get to me.

yep, allie, i hear ya.  it's so wearing.   :bighug:

i do hope it gets worked out for all of you.  i really do.    sending love.

My husband ended up taking our son to his party after dropping me off at ours.  He ended up staying at our son's party because from our party to his party, it was a ONE HOUR drive.  I got a ride home from someone at our party.  It is sorely tempting to say "I told you so".

Yesterday I stayed off Facebook and I did notice an improvement in my mental health.  Then I end up kicking myself, saying, why do you let social media and other things you can't control affect you like they do?? 

Thing is, there ARE things I can't control that end up affecting me (like a possible government shutdown). 

Hi Alliematt,
I hope you don't mind my popping into your Journal - I've not been in here before (I don't think so) but I do read your Journal sometimes, and I just wanted to comment that I also find it improves my mental health when I take a break from Facebook - so I very much empathise with you on that.  Social media does seem to have some sway in some way. 
Hope  :)

Quote from: Hope67 on December 19, 2018, 10:40:35 AM
Hi Alliematt,
I hope you don't mind my popping into your Journal - I've not been in here before (I don't think so) but I do read your Journal sometimes, and I just wanted to comment that I also find it improves my mental health when I take a break from Facebook - so I very much empathise with you on that.  Social media does seem to have some sway in some way. 
Hope  :)

Feel free to pop whenever you wish, Hope. :-)

Well, unless Mighty Mouse swoops in to save the day in the next 27 hours, the government will shut down and my husband will be furloughed.

We've already bought Christmas presents, we have savings, and we have a full pantry.  So we'll be OK for right now.  I'm actually handling THIS particular problem pretty well.  I just highly resent the way certain people LOVE playing games with other people's livelihood!

amen, sweetie.


:bighug:  hope that shutdown doesn't last too long.

My husband encouraged me to take a day off.  So I drove up to N GA and enjoyed nature and waterfalls.  Came back and husband fed me dinner. 

:) :) :) :)

You deserve it!  :applause:

 :applause: for your husband, allie.  i echo 3r's sentiment - you deserve it.

love and hugs, sweetie.

Hi Allie, Thank you for making me feel welcome to pop by - and I am glad that you have had a day off and enjoyed that trip to Nature and the waterfalls - and it's great that your husband fed you dinner when you got home.  Really nice.
Hope  :)

Well, on Saturday, guess who went to put her PJ's on and couldn't find the estrogen patch on her skin that she needed to change? 

:stars: :stars: ??? ???

Whenever I have a meltdown, that should be the first thing I check.  Arrrgh.

But in good news, I have plenty of work to get paid for!  :)

Christmas was nice.  My husband's still on furlough.  I may give him so many chores to do that he'll be begging to go back to his job!
;D ;D ;D ;D

 ;D  :hug:

Sending you a hug, if that's ok, Alliematt  :hug:
Hope  :)

Happy New Year, all!! 

:phoot: :phoot: :phoot: :phoot:

 :phoot: :fireworks:

happy new year, allie. 

thinking of you in the midst of this shutdown.  hope it ends soon.  love and hugs.

I did the math recently, and I just did the math again so I could write this post.

I was bullied throughout most of my 12 years of school.

There are 180 days in a school year.

Multiply 180 by 12, and you come out with 2,160 days.

I wasn't in school all of those days (count illness and other absences). 

But even if I missed, let's say, about 160 days over 12 years . . . and I had one instance of bullying on the remaining days . . . that's 2,000 times I was bullied over 12 years.

In college, from the date of my baptism into the church I was part of until the day I graduated from college with my master's degree and left, it was 1,858 days. That was almost 2,000 days of dealing with some form of spiritual abuse, whether it was being interrogated on how I spent my time, or being asked what I was reading in the Bible, or being asked if I invited anyone to an event that day, or feeling badly because I didn't live up to what I thought were God's expectations of me.

I also did the math on how many days it's been since my son was diagnosed with autism. 

Counting today, it's been 6,073 days. 

That's roughly 4,000 days of dealing with some form of abuse and over 6,000 days of dealing with autism.

One of them would have been bad enough.

But both?

This is just my way of finally coming to the conclusion that yes, it was that bad.

And I'm really having a hard time saying that yes, it was that bad because I keep saying, "Well, at least I wasn't assaulted." "At least no  one beat me up." "At least I wasn't . . ."

But it was.  It was that bad. 

And now that I'm coming to that conclusion, what do I do with it?

Because there has got to be a better way to spend my life that sitting around whining about how bad I had it!

i think that realization is a really big thing, allie.  tough, but good.  the idea that you can now see that it was that bad is a first step, to my mind, of making changes.  well done, sweetie.  love and hugs.

Alliematt, your post is an interesting, validating, and dovetails with a theme that developed during my therapy session today -- that yes, I don't want to live solely from past hurts, but it's all I had for a starting point, and when I think about it, it gets overwhelming and they continue to haunt me, even given all that I've done in spite of that raw start.

Part of me says okay, they're only thoughts, but these seem to have flags attached saying "we're your life, ha ha". It's going to take a lot, but as san says, having the self-realization of how bad it really was can be a huge step, all on its own. It was enormous, all of what you say and those of us drifting along know too well as well.

So that's one saving grace, not being alone. Even though we're 'out here' someplace, we're here to hear and be helpful for each other.

And now, I'd love to have that magic word or something that would turn the corner to 'happily ever after'. I don't know about that, but it can only start with 'happily right now'. I know, that old bromide one step at a time. But what else is there? I think you're further along now, though; it might not seem like much, but it's something ... it's a good deal  :thumbup: to at least get that far.

I think we ALL want the magic word to hear and to say that will lead to "happily ever after."  Unfortunately, it's just not there. 

And some days, it's not just "a day at a time".  It's second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour.

And I think that's true for all of us.

(minor political content, read at your own risk)

I am really discouraged about the lack of progress with this shutdown.  And the anger and division just seems to have no end.  There just seems to be no way to have a civil conversation about anything.  I was asked online (not in OOTS) why I hated a particular group of people.  I don't hate that group.  I just have a problem with their behavior, and it was the words "have a problem with" that apparently caused this person to think I hated them.  (That person blocked me while I was on my way to block them.) 

This is what happens when I get my head too deep into social media.  I need to go back to the work I was doing today which will earn us a paycheck.

I still have some discouragement about this shutdown.  My political disgust is still bipartisan.   :stars: :stars: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:

On the other hand, I came home today and was greeted with THREE checks: 

One from my regular at home work.
One from an abandoned property claim.
One from a small amount of stock (the dividend totaled less than $5.00).

This was a nice morale booster.   :cheer: :cheer:

Depression has reared its ugly head again.  It seems that everyone lies and it's impossible to figure out who's telling the truth.  I think I'm exasperating everyone because of my constant struggle with depression.

I am afraid of losing my friends over differences of opinion.  Last night I had a horrible meltdown with my BFF on the phone.  I think there might be a chemical problem,but I don't know what it might be. 

Everyone seems to hate each other and it's never going to get any better.

And I have screwed up so many times in my life that I can't forget them and I can't forgive myself for them, either. 

It may be over.  The government MAY be reopening, at least for three weeks.  I'm not holding my breath until my husband gets an official notification.

Husband is temporarily back at work. 

I have had this horrible feeling lately of just total powerlessness over anything.  I don't know what I believe anymore.  I don't know what I am supposed to believe.  It's impossible to figure out the truth about anything.  What is wrong with me?

On Saturday (yes, Saturday!) I have a psychiatrist appointment.   I'm going to ask for a change or tweak on my meds.  Twice in the last few weeks I've had horrible depression that's had me sobbing on the phone to my BFF.  When I get triggered, my brain goes whacko and I start spiraling downward into depression.  Then the OCD loop kicks in.

I am finally starting to identify "triggers" as "triggers".  One is, feeling like I can't get a word in edgewise in a conversation (and then, thinking that people are ignoring or interrupting me on purpose.)  Another is feeling powerless in the face of certain political/cultural trends.  Another is arguments about the "right" thing to do in religion.

I can't necessarily avoid triggers.  What I need to learn is how to handle them.

My counselor wrote a note to give to my pdoc saying that she's wondering if a trial of a certain med would help me.  I'm going to hand that to him and say, what do you think?

I'm sorry for your really bad depression :hug: but good news that you get to see pdoc quite soon!

Good going on starting to identify what triggers you :cheer:   Not that it's fun or anything, but it's progress forwards!

Doc increased my lamotrignine (Lamictal) to 100 mgs.  I took my first dose last night and woke up this morning very groggy.  So I'm staying in today because I was afraid to drive.  He also gave me a prescription for Klonopin to use in case of emergency. 

So far I have not had an "emergency" of spiraling downward into a sea of drowning depression.  Which is good.  At the moment, I am sane and sober.  (I will now take a 10-second pause for everyone to ask, "Oh, really?"  ;D)

 :hug:

I have actually been feeling better lately!  Maybe it is the higher dosage of lamotrigine that did it.  I hope so.  I have no illusions about being "cured" or "healed", but I am enjoying a good day.  I had a counseling session and then I went to the fabric store for some "self-care".  :)

Just waving hello!  I got an adjustment on my meds recently (upped my dose of Lamotrignine, generic of Lamitcal) and I think it has helped.  I am not "cured"; I have my bouts of depression but they're not so bad.  Doc also gave me an "as necessary" prescription of Klonopin that I've used about two-three times. 

Hope everyone else is doing OK.

So glad you're feeling better! Sometimes, at least for some of us, meds are the key that unlocks a whole new world. That was certainly the case for me back when I first started Prozac.

Your name change kinda threw me for a minute, I was all like "Who's hijacking alliematt's journal?!?" :rofl: Had to go back and check! Haha! Anyway glad you're feeling better! ❤

Oh, Lord.  I need to go back and change that.  But enjoyed your laughing emoji reaction!!!

Edited to add:  Name change was changed.  I'm glad I checked that. 

My brain has been thoroughly fried the last few days.  I've been sick with a virus and I think I'm finally feeling better. 

 :cheer:

 :blowup:

Tense, stressed, and angry!  Too much to do.  Don't know what to drop.  A friend agrees with me that I have too much to do, but that I won't ask for help because I've already decided that people will say no.

The fact is, I HAVE asked for help in the past, and people HAVE said no (especially when it comes to babysitting our son), and when you hear "no" often enough, you give up trying.  I don't think this person gets that. 

Snapped at my husband, got mad at my friend, and even my son commented on my attitude. 

:fallingbricks:

You are free to express your frustration. It is not up to anyone but you to decide what you feel. Hugs to you.  :hug:

I finished the work I needed to do yesterday and said I wouldn't take work today.  My son has an appointment.

I saw an article today about someone who has PTSD as a result of raising a medically fragile child.  My son isn't medically fragile in the sense that he has a several physical condition, but autism is draining in other ways. 

Could this be my problem, in addition to dealing with bullying and spiritual abuse? 

Is a feeling of being totally overwhelmed and totally tense a symptom of PTSD and C-PTSD? 

My friend on Saturday told me that I wouldn't ask for help because I'd already decided people would say "no".  The fact is, I HAVE had people say "no".  I HAVE had to deal with Medicaid denials, and red tape, and doctor's appointments.  I'm mentally exhausted.  When I told my friend this, she said that "past performance isn't necessarily an indicator of future performance."   :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:

Do people NOT understand that when you hear "no" over and over, you stop asking?

I AM afraid of asking and being told "no".  I should not be afraid, but I AM AFRAID.  I am afraid of hearing "no" in such a way that I'm sorry I asked in the first place, or of hearing "yes" in a way that makes me feel guilty I asked for help.  So it's better to go it alone or with my husband.

Part of what plays into this fear is:  1.  I had two occasions where I asked my mother about spending time with someone.  The first occasion was when I asked if I could spend the night with the family who lived next door to my aunt and uncle.  Her response:  a very sharp, "No!"  (I now understand that she said no because she didn't know the people or the family.  She had a good reason to say no.  But I also remember the sharpness.)  2.  I gathered up all my courage to ask if I could go over to a friend's house, and my mother said no.  Again, I'm sure she had a good reason for saying no . . . but those two refusals did it for me.  I started being afraid to ask for anything.  And I should not have been afraid to ask my mother if I could go to a friend's house. 

What also plays into the fear is that in the abusive church, we were expected to ask people to church, Bible studies, etc.  We were expected to have visitors and asked how many people we invited.  We were even expected to invite total strangers to church and/or Bible study.  I got plenty of "nos" when inviting people.  And I can remember several group meetings where we were hammered on for not inviting people.  When you have the fear of hearing no anyway, and when you have the fear of getting yelled at when you don't have visitors or don't live up to people's expectations, yes, you ARE going to stop asking. 

I am afraid of being yelled at.  That's what it all boils down to.  And I have good reasons to be afraid of being yelled at because I WAS yelled at as a child.  That was the way my mother disciplined.  I am trying to be fair and trying to understand that my mother probably didn't know any better.  But combine being yelled at at home with being bullied at school and THEN going away to college and getting into a church where they yelled at you for not being evangelistic enough, and then throw in a kid with autism later in life, yeah, I think that's a good reason to feel overwhelmed.   AND, combine that with being told that if you fight back, you will be punished and the bullies will not be AND with the verses in the Bible that tell you to "turn the other cheek", and you have a recipe for total and complete disaster.

What in the (insert bad word here) is wrong with me that I can't get better?

Hearing your feelings of frustration and being overwhelmed.  :hug:

Not sure there's anything "wrong" with you, but what in the (insert bad word here) is wrong with all those people who've injured you? What in the (insert bad word here) is wrong with people who take no time to extend you compassion and understanding?

Allie, I'm sorry you've had such limited, graceless people in your life. I believe there's nothing wrong with you, but that you've been injured.

@Three Roses, I chuckled at your use of my (insert bad word here) phrase in your reply.  :) :)

I forgot to mention that I heard plenty of "no" in trying to get respite care for Matthew, and of even trying to get a sitter so my husband and I could get consistent counseling.  We finally started bringing him with us and having him wait in the waiting room.  And I also heard "no" twice when we were renewing Medicaid for him.  WE did appeal and get Medicaid reinstated.  We don't currently receive Medicaid because my son's done with speech therapy. 

But when we were trying to find sitters, I even asked our church and was told they couldn't give out names due to a possible liability issue.  They did encourage me to ask around.

The friend I mentioned in my previous entry told me that I needed to be "more aggressive" in asking our church for help.  Well, I tried, and was told by a staff member that it was one thing to ask for help, it was another thing to demand it.  Okay, then, maybe I was demanding.  I don't know if  I was or not.  But when you're told that you're "demanding", that's not helpful to someone who needs the help.

Most of the members of our church live a good half hour away from us.  We're involved in the place where we attend, otherwise we might try to find someplace closer.  (And if we did switch, my son would probably obsess over and over and over, "why aren't we going to . . .?")

What I think is, "Yes, I want solutions . . . but I fear that no solutions exist."

There are always solutions, I think exploring a different church may be a great idea.

I can remember two conversations about being afraid that I've had with people.  One was with my mother in my senior year of high school.  She was in the middle of a lecture about something (I cannot remember how the conversation came about, but it started with the words, "Everyone makes mistakes!"  She may have been trying to reassure me that we all made mistakes, but it came out in a rather angry tone.)  At one point, she'd said something about "going crazy" (again, I can't remember the context; she may have been trying to tell me that no, I wasn't "going crazy"), but I said to her, "That's what I'm afraid of!" and her response was, "That's all I ever hear from you!  I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid!"  (I think this conversation happened in the same week that my parents finally pulled me off of the school bus for good after a bad bout of bullying.)

The second conversation was with the friend I mentioned, where we were discussing something about religion, and she said, "You are always so afraid."

One, if YOU had been picked on nearly every school day for 12 years, YOU would be afraid also.
Two, if YOU had been part of a church that said THEY were the only way to heaven, and if YOU had been browbeaten into believing that YOU were somehow "unspiritual" because you couldn't live up to the expectations of the church YOU were in, then YES, you WOULD be "always so afraid"!

And then you end up getting the scriptures about "no fear" being used against you.  (People haven't used those scriptures against me lately, which is good.) 

I have scrupulosity.  That doesn't help one bit, either.  That's the part of me that constantly asks, "What if I'm wrong?"

Quote from: alliematt on May 06, 2019, 01:32:50 PM
I am afraid of being yelled at.  That's what it all boils down to.  And I have good reasons to be afraid of being yelled at because I WAS yelled at as a child.  That was the way my mother disciplined.  I am trying to be fair and trying to understand that my mother probably didn't know any better.  But combine being yelled at at home with being bullied at school and THEN going away to college and getting into a church where they yelled at you for not being evangelistic enough, and then throw in a kid with autism later in life, yeah, I think that's a good reason to feel overwhelmed.   AND, combine that with being told that if you fight back, you will be punished and the bullies will not be AND with the verses in the Bible that tell you to "turn the other cheek", and you have a recipe for total and complete disaster.

I hear you alliematt, loud and clear. You do have good reasons for feeling afraid. 

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Just like everybody else on here, you have been injured emotionally, otherwise known as having cptsd. We can't just snap out of it! I'm afraid a lot as well, and like with you, there are a bunch of reasons for it, coming straight out of childhood.

With healing I'm noticing that I'm feeling less overwhelmed, and less often as well. So yes, I'd say it's a symptom. Often part of an EF in my case. You might feel younger or smaller in an EF and even emotionally healthy children can feel overwhelmed with life in general, whereas children growing up the way you did with so much fear and so little genuine support and understanding, I imagine you might often have felt overwhelmed as a child. Support from a parent or other adult can include taking the time to explain to a child why they're saying "No", or why "No" with such vehemence.

imho 'medically fragile' could involve more than just physical symptoms. Your son's condition is draining for you, you could do with respite sometimes, or maybe even often. You have to fight for treatment for him. I imagine that knowing that you may have to fight for a while - he's not suddenly going to get better and not need any care on his 18th birthday - may also add to the feelings of overwhelm. One of the situations that can lead to (c)ptsd is a feeling of "there's no escape". Your son's condition combined with the lack of help and support around you sounds as if it could feel that "there's no escape", especially when you consider your past. There wasn't any escape from 12 years of bullying at school for you. 12 years for crying out loud! That is a terribly long time for a child and teenager.

I guess this falls into the category of, "He means well, but . . ." My husband offered to make dinner in the crockpot so I wouldn't have to worry about cooking on Sundays.  However, what I've usually been doing on Sundays is running through a cycle of quick to make meals so I can have time to rest, and my son is used to that cycle.

Dinner was supposed to be ready at 1:30.  Due to miscalculation, it will now be ready at 2:30.  (It is chicken and rice.)

My son just said to me a while ago, "This is so weird.  I like Mom's cooking."

I'm trying not to get irritated and/or upset, but I confess, it's hard not to.

Dinner, as posted about in the last entry, went well and we're having the leftovers tonight.  I'm sure part of my previous irritation was due to hunger. :-)

I am devoting some time to self-care.  Part of self-care was getting my bladder looked at last week (as a regular check because I have chronic bladder pain) and it was a good thing I did.  I have a bladder infection.  Fun!   :thumbdown: But I was prescribed antibiotics and I see the doc a week from Friday to see if it's all gone. 

the next step was today; I saw a sleep doc and am now scheduled for a sleep study.  I use a CPAP regularly.  It was prescribed when my son was nine.  He is now 20.  So I need a redo.  :-) 

(Note: I touch very briefly on politics and religion here.)

After my umpteenth post to someone about how tired I am of the current political situation, I finally got tired of being afraid of "who's going to be in office?"

I believe God is God no matter who is in Washington, so it's better for me to focus on that and not get myself tied up in knots. 

Last Friday, I sent my son off to a church retreat.  Since I have guardianship of him, I'm the one who's allowed to authorize medical treatment on his behalf.  He cannot do it on his own.  So I wrote up a letter authorizing the person in charge of the retreat to get medical treatment for my son if necessary.

When my husband and I dropped our son off, I forgot to give the letter to the bus driver.  The person in charge wasn't the person driving the bus; also, I was distracted by telling my son, no, you don't need to take your pillow and blanket; they are providing bedding.

My husband and I went to a retirement party for a friend and it was only when we got there that I discovered that I forgot to give the letter to the bus driver.  So I went racing back to the church building, beating myself up on the way.

Then I thought about a tactic I sometimes use in combating my OCD:  let the thoughts be; in fact, agree with them to an extent (for example, "Hmmm, cussing in church is an interesting idea.  I think I'll wait ten minutes and then do it."  When ten minutes are up, I can go for ten more minutes, and so on.  (No, I do not make it a practice to cuss aloud in church.  This is one way my OCD makes it's presence known.)

So I decided I would beat myself up on the way to church building, but once I got there, I wouldn't be allowed to beat myself up anymore. 

So I "beat myself up" out loud, saying, "You idiot!  How stupid!  Bad mother!  Worst mother in the world!"  And since I was "beating myself up", I started saying, "Left hook!  Right cross!  Gut punch!  Kidney punch!"

It sounded so ridiculous I started laughing.  It really exposed my inner critic for the bully she was/is.

I made it to the building, handed the letter to the bus driver, and then relaxed. 

Then I drove back to the retirement party.  On the way, I told myself why I had forgotten the letter:  One, I had it in my head to give it to a particular person, who had already gone ahead and was not the driver of the bus.  Two, I was distracted by telling my son he didn't need his pillow and blanket.

The takeaway?  Next time I have to have a medical authorization letter, I will write the letter, get it notarized, and give it to my sonto give to the appropriate person.

As it turned out, my son had a good time and nothing happened where he needed treatment.   

I can't say that I will never beat myself up again, but this time, I gave myself a weapon to fight back with.

I love how you dealt with this situation in a creative way and with your sense of humor. (Glad your son had fun on the retreat with no injuries!)

Hi Alliemat,
Your strategy sounds really useful.  I'm glad it worked for you.  Really good.
Hope  :)

Well, after my nice, triumphant post about how I would probably be around a little less because my meds seemed to be working, guess what happened?  I have relapsed.  Between comments about certain current events and feeling like my entire world view has been deconstructed, I feel totally broken.  Totally.

It is IMPOSSIBLE to figure out the truth about anything these days.  Even God, Jesus, and the Bible.

I had a conversation with my BFF and I think she lost patience with me.  She doesn't think it's impossible to figure out what the Bible really says.  I said, Yes it is.  I feel like i have to do a dissertation-level study in order to know what it really says and what I'm supposed to do.  And I don't have the time or the energy to do it.   And why do it if what I conclude is just going to be wrong anyway?

Welcome back Allie   :hug: I don't think you're the first to make plans of that sort and then they go a little differently from expected. You know how it is: 2 steps forward, 1 back. When I read your announcement that you'd be on less, I thought "Yay for Allie" but of course you are welcome to come back here and post and look for support.  Whenever I decided to be on the forum a little less or post less, it didn't last long.

We are here for you :grouphug:

fwiw I don't know if there is ONE truth about God, Jesus and the Bible. There are different religious denominations after all, differences of interpretation within Christianity. I think how you choose to interpret the Bible's teachings for your life is your choice. It's not a question of correct and incorrect, it's way more complex than that. imho. Ignore if not helpful to you.

I got a new CPAP a few days ago, and there's been a couple of days where I've breathed and havent' felt like there's any air coming through the hose.  I think there may be a kink of some sort in the hose.  When something isn't going right physically, it affects me mentally.  The one piece of credit i will give myself is that even when I'm spiraling downhill, I usually have the presence of mind to realize that there may be something I have to look into with my physical health.

What in the (bad word) is wrong with me?  I feel totally powerless.  Nothing I do matters.  I can't figure anything out.  Everything I know or believed has been totally deconstructed and I don't know how to put things back together again.  It matters what everyone else thinks but it doesn't matter what I think.  My BFF says I have too many people living rent free in my head.  I don't know how to evict them.  Everyone else is stronger, they talk louder, they have more power, everyone listens to them, and they ALWAYS get in the last word.

Allie, so sorry it is so hard right now. Are there some things that you can do to bring yourself a little comfort; even small things like a cup of tea, a blanket, lotion, light a candle. Sending you a caring hug.  :hug:

After yesterday's events in the US, I am not triggered, but I am terribly saddened. 

I did a lot of work for pay over the weekend and am taking today off.  We just got a new bathtub last week and moved everything out of the bathroom to make room for it.  Now everything has to be moved BACK into the bathroom. 

And I've gone on a semi-spending orgy at Bed, Bath and Beyond because, hey, if you're going to have a new bathtub, you MUST get new accessories for it.  Right?   ;D

absolutely! 

and, i feel the same as you, allie - so very sad, even disheartened. 

glad you took today off, doing a bit of physical stuff for a change, especially sprucing up around that new tub.  yay!!!   :cheer:

keep going, sweetie.  standing right there with you.  sending love and a hug full of bathroom delights.

My #1 problem these days is not dealing with the past (and I said this to my counselor yesterday.)  It's dealing with the "stuff I gotta do now" that is so overwhelming at times! 

And that is a problem that people without C-PTSD have to deal with! 

(My poor counselor told me that she's being treated for migraines.  At the end of the session, I suggested that she charge me 24.95 instead of 25.00 -- my copay -- because since I was listening to her, she owed me five cents, which is what Peanuts' Lucy charges at her psychiatry booth!)

Sneaking back in. 

Our church is having a meeting on Sunday where I think some major changes will be announced.  I think women are going to be teaching and preaching alongside men, and for my particular group of churches, that is BIG. 

I'm very nervous about discord within our congregation and within the larger church community, and I am afraid of getting into a fight with close friends. 

I'm also dealing with anxiety because I've started a new diet plan and changed a lot of the foods I eat . . . and my son just.does.not.get. why we aren't doing the "usual menus".  I'm making food for myself, and sometimes my husband will eat what I'm eating, but my son will not.  And lately, he's been obsessing about "the usual menus".  I also need to take him to the ENT for the third time this month to get impacted ear wax removed.  Last week I had something scheduled every single day and I was exhausted by Monday.

Between son's obsessions, a new diet, and fear about this upcoming change, yes, I am overwhelmed.  And this morning I've already done an hour of proofing and my sound program was acting up, as it's been doing for the last two-three weeks.  I needed to order a new foot pedal (which will help in rewinding  and fast forwarding) and it's not going to arrive for another 10 days.  In the meantime, I have to point and click with the mouse and that's very time-consuming.  Yeah, I am overwhelmed!

:fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:

It's good to have you back Allie, but I'm sorry about the  :fallingbricks: overwhelm.  :hug:

Husband, at the moment, is making a simple dinner for himself and son.  I have cabbage rolls in the fridge to heat up.  (Cooked cabbage wrapped around a meat mixture.)

ENT appointment went well and I think that's the LAST one for a while. 

The rest?  Well, I can't do too much about that. 

My major problem at the moment is not that "Allie had a crappy past" (although there were places I did and there are ways it affects me now.)  My major problem at the moment is, "I have too much to do and it's causing me anxiety." 

(Possible trigger for religious/spiritual content)

I read a Bible verse this morning that helped me.  It says, "If on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you."  I think I may use this verse on people who disagree with what our church decides to do.

hey, allie, nice to see you back.

so very sorry for all you're dealing with.  i hope the whole church thing goes smoothly for you.  i think that bible verse sounds like it might be very helpful as far as change goes.  i'm glad you found it.

keep taking care of you as best you can, ok?  sending love and a hug filled w/ care and support.   :hug:

The results of our church meeting were what I had expected:  women will not be participating much more in the leadership of our church.  My church has been mostly "male only" leadership so this change is VERY big.  It was not done lightly -- in fact, nearly two years of study went into this decision -- and I felt the decision was communicated with respect for where people may be.

For those of you who are not religious or Christian, feel free to skip over this entry. :-)   

Reaction so far has been positive, but we will be in for an interesting road ahead.  Change is always hard and this is a MAJOR change here.

Hi Alliematt,
Glad to hear there was a positive reaction so far. 
Hope  :)

Happy Monday after Thanksgiving to those in the USA, and happy Monday to everyone outside of the USA (or Tuesday if you're over the date line.)

While I had a good, relaxing Thanksgiving, coming back to the day-by-day has me a bit overwhelmed.  Specifically, I have over 200 pages of work to do, the car needs to be serviced, and my son is in possession of a watch that I don't know how he came by, and he either can't or won't tell me where he got it.  His verbal skills are such that I'm not sure how to ask the question to get the response I need. 

When I feel overwhelmed, I feel very tense with butterflies in the stomach, and I don't want to do anything except zone out in front of the computer or TV.  I read somewhere that "zoning out" and feeling paralyzed could be the sign of a panic attack.  I don't sweat, get short of breath, and feel like I want to die . . . but I do "zone out", and I do feel paralyzed with "everything I have to do".  Is it possible that this could be a panic attack?

Alliematt

I'm sorry you are experiencing this and feeling this way.  It sounds like there are lots of things on your plate and you are dealing with a lot.

You sound really overwhelmed and I hear you.  I understand why you feel how you do and I also think its reasonable to feel exhausted and frustrated.

I hope you can make some time for youself and some self care.   :hug:

Yesterday on FB, while reading a page devoted to survivors of types of religious abuse, I was metaphorically slapped in the face with the definition of C-PTSD. 

The definition that applied to me was "C-PTSD is associated with .  . . Victims of bullying . . . Defectors of cult or cult-like organizations . . . Situations involving captivity/entrapment (a situation lacking a viable escape route for the victim or a perception of such.). (Ellipses are mine.)

That is me.

I was a victim of bullying.
I was in a cult-like church and I left it.
And both situations lacked a viable escape route. 

And in a sense, the situation with my son is one that "lacks a viable escape route".  I love him and would do nearly anything for him, but the only "escape route" is abandoning him or one of us dying, and barring unforeseen circumstances, I do not see either of those things happening in the near future.  (Obviously, one of us is going to die eventually.).

I have been in semi-denial, wondering, "Is this really it?  Is this really what I have?"

After yesterday, I don't think there's any more doubt.  The depression, tenseness, anxiety, the feeling like someone's constantly hovering over me, ready to scold me for something I've done or not done.  The "zoning out", disappearing into a world of imaginary friends and characters (i.e. disassociation.).  This is it.  This is it, this is what I have, this is why I have it.

I feel really angry at the moment, really sad, maybe this is part of grieving the life I have lost.  I will give myself credit for processing this at a computer keyboard.  I am not angrily throwing things and I am not screaming at people who didn't do anything wrong.  I have actually survived pretty decently.  I'm reasonably kind and compassionate, I hope I have not turned into a bully, I have a master's degree, made a living, married a good guy, and my son is also kind and compassionate. 

I did figure a "way out" by leaving the town I grew up in and the bullies there, and I did figure a "way out" by leaving the place I went to college and going somewhere else, and I did figure a "way out" by telling my husband right before we got married that we needed to leave the city and situation we were in.

The current situation we are in, with our son's autism and with the debt we are dealing with, and with my various health problems, there's really no "escape" from that except going through it.  We're paying back debt and we are helping our son be as independent as possible.

This metaphorical slap in the face has just sent me reeling somewhat.  Oddly, I'm not totally overwhelmed and I don't really feel like I'm drowning.  I just feel more angry than anything else.  I think it's a healthy anger against what was taken from me. 

Now I want my life.

I hope this is okay --   :hug: . Sadly, it's never enough, is it? I wish it could be more, but I hope it provides one little moment of relief.

My usual problem is feeling overwhelmed.  I posted on the website for the diet plan I'd been following and said I was going to drop out for a while.  Now I'm getting messages back saying, "Please reconsider!"  The plan has helped me lose weight . . . but it is SO.MUCH.WORK. and I just feel too stressed to do it. 

I keep getting  triple digit proofing work which I HAVE to do in order to earn money and pay back debt. 

Dealing with son is difficult, as usual.

i'm supposed to be a writer and I'm not writing.

My house is a mess.

As a Christian, I'm supposed to be "in the Word" but even that is overwhelming. 

There have been times today I've just felt frozen.  I did chocolate and Hallmark therapy today. 

The words "I feel overwhelmed" have become a permanent part of my vocabulary and I have NO IDEA WHAT TO DO.

:fallingbricks:

my dear allie,

you have so much to deal with, it's no wonder you're overwhelmed.  sending love and a hug filled with support and strength.  as much as possible. :hug:

I'm so ashamed.  I haven't been here in over two months and it doesn't seem like a lot's changed for me.  I come here demanding support and draining people dry, but when do I give support to other people?

I proofread over 360 pages this weekend, doing it while I had "crashed" energy-wise.  Last week I read an article about the lack of services for autistic adults, and someone had written the comments that without services, those adults spend "their lonely days" with the TV or computer.  That phrase makes me want to cry.  I'm afraid that's what's going to happen to my son, and I just don't have any energy anymore to deal with autism and with my own mental health.  It just never stops.  Ever. 

I went on a meal plan, lost weight, and now I've gained a lot of it back because the plan was just too much work.  I weigh too much but it's too much work to diet. 

It's too much.  Everything is just too much.

Please don't feel guilty about needing support. You have so much going on, and I completely get that everything feels too much.

I hope you are able to make some time for yourself. :hug:

hey, allie,

i don't see your postings here as 'demanding' support.  this is a place for you, and people choose what they want to do.  i've never seen a demand from you, ever.

i totally agree with what snowdrop said.  you've put in a lot of effort to keep your son involved socially, etc.  it's a shame on society that more resources aren't available to those who need them.  just want you to know that you're welcome to come here and unload anything that helps you.  you are a valuable person, even when you don't feel like it.  sending love and a hug filled with support and caring. :hug:

Allie,
Sorry it is all so hard. I don't think you are demanding and it is okay for you to have needs and to ask for support. I understand the losing and gaining weight. Frustrating.

This evening my son asked my how my ladies' group was, and then said, I wish I were part of the church family.

I went over to him and told him, you are.  You are just as much a part of that family as your dad and I are.  Most of the people I know would agree with me. 

This is just something I can't "fix".  Maybe I need a good cry.  I don't know.  I don't know what i need, what I want, how to help my son, where to get resources . . . I'm drained dry. 

Back several years ago, I said out loud in a church caregivers class (a class for people doing caregiving) that I needed help, and I needed a specific type of help.  I spoke privately to the person who was doing the class, who is a staff member where I attend church, and he said to me that there was a difference between asking for help and demanding it.  I think that's what he thought I was doing.

Thing is, a friend of mine had told me not too long before that I needed to get "more aggressive" about asking for help and that yes, she was talking about the church.  But when I got aggressive, I was told that I was demanding. 

The particular need I had has gone away over the years, but that particular incident still smarts.  I have no idea when/if I'm demanding, too aggressive, etc.

What I want is a guaranteed spot for my son to go to when his dad and I are gone and enough money to pay for it.  Then I wouldnt' necessarily have to worry about what's going to happen to him.  But knowing me, I'd wonder if it would all work out!! 

sometimes, people put their own read on what someone says, allie.  i just can't picture you as 'demanding'.  i think the way you went about it was completely appropriate - special needs must be specified or you won't get the help that fits the situation.  if someone thinks that's aggressive, then i don't think they understand the notion of giving care.  care giving is kind of a catch-all phrase, and a lot of people have their own definition of such.  giving care takes into consideration who and what and how individually. 

maybe you do need a good cry.  if that's the case, i hope you're able to do so, and just let all the frustration out.  sending a hug filled with love and support. :hug:

Well, I didn't do the "good cry" but I do feel somewhat better this morning.  I use estrogen cream twice a week and last night was one of the nights I use it.  It does make me wonder if this bout of depression was hormonally related.  It's embarrassing when I spout off in the middle of a depressive cycle and when my head gets straightened out again, I realize how off the wall and over the top some of my comments and thought are. 

Anyhow, I appreciate the comments and listening ears.  :)

glad you're feeling a bit better.  those pesky hormones can certainly wreak havoc w/ our moods!  love and hugs, allie. :hug:

Woke up drained dry.  I think it's because of a job that I was doing.  I was asked, could I proof over the weekend? I said, no.  This is a day I"m just plain tired of everything and where I just feel totally powerless.  Nothing I do matters. 

: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:   :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

Put my foot down and said that I wasn't taking work for the next two days.  And I am resting.

good for you, allie!  way to take your own power back! :cheer:  love and hugs! :hug:

Is anyone besides me stuck in semi-quarantine?  My son's out of school at the moment and doing digital learning.  My husband's been sick the last few days (not with THAT!) and I'm still working and grateful, although dealing with a hard deadline AND my son's questions about his assignment got me very frustrated.  A nap helped. 

Please remind me that murder is illegal.  Our brand new microwave isn't working, my son is very tense when dealing with his online assignments, my husband is wanting certain attention that I can't always give him right that second, and when it comes to technology, I am the one having to handle it!

My feelings are more of a function of the frustration of being in semi-quarantine at the moment.  I do not seriously plan to murder anyone. 

i am basically isolated - i can walk outdoors cuz i'm in a rural area, and i live w/ my d, so i still do have someone to interact with, but other than that, i'm just home.  i walk to the store w/ my d when we need food, but i do laps out in the parking lot while she goes inside and shops.  it's bizarre and stressful all by itself - put the kinds of things you're talking about on top of that, i'm not surprised murder comes to mind.  i never seriously thought you would really murder someone, but i know i've had some dark thoughts every so often myself.

hang tough, allie - love and hugs :grouphug:  no social distancing here, we can all group together and give virtual hugs .

Hearing your frustration, Allie.

I've done two teletherapy sessions so far and have been reminded on both of them that the situation everyone is in is "unprecedented" (my T's word) and that we're all pretty much "handling" things.  I said, "I'm not Wonder Woman.  I'm not even Diana Prince!"   :)

Today I am feeling tense, but it has very little to do with the coronavirus.  It has everything to do with the fact that my husband's decluttering and cleaning, and there are three factors that are making me tense:  1.  I feel guilty because he's doing the cleaning, 2. I'm afraid he's going to to put my stuff away where I can't find it, 3. I'm waiting to hear something like, "Why can't you put your stuff away?" 

Part of what I'm hearing in the background is my mother's voice:  "You just play all day!" (said to me when I was a preteen); "You keep this door closed (to our den, which had a door opening directly into the carport, where people could look in) when you're using that box (of material scraps that I was using to make doll clothes as a kid) because I'm ashamed to have anyone look in here!"

It's interesting that this is the same person who also said that she hated being made to do chores when she was a kid, so she decided she wasn't going to make her kids do chores.  We did do chores, but we never had a chore schedule or assigned chores or anything like that. 

I dislike cleaning and decluttering anyway.  Actually, I did read someplace (in a household hints book) that if you actually liked cleaning, something was wrong.   :) I don't like doing the over and over chores; it's probably why I prefer to put dishes in the dishwasher rather than washing them by hand; the dishwasher can do the dishes while I do something else.  Ironically, I married a man who sees doing dishes by hand as a form of therapy!  So we compromise. 

But, I sure do enjoy the results of the work I don't like to do!  And when I get tired of clutter, that's when I start decluttering . . . and it stays decluttered for a while and then gets recluttered. 

Complicated issues . . . .

i hear ya, allie.  not very domestic myself.  like you, when it gets to a certain point, i jump in.

i'm glad you figured out it was your mother's voice you were hearing.  those voices from the past can sure be loud!

keep taking care of you.  i once heard that we all have things we like to do and don't like to do, but someone else has the opposite, so we balance out in the end.  glad you and your hubby found a compromise.  love and hugs, my dear. :hug:

I'm not feeling well physically today, and I'm having a day where my mental health is not the world's best.  I'm not at a cliff ready to jump. :-). I'm just irritated, and I think a lot of us are these days.  I think the best medicine for me is more rest and plenty of chocolate.

Today I feel better, thank God, but I also feel very tense.  I have been interrupted by someone or something ALL DAY LONG and I'm so tense and jumpy I'm ready to yell at someone. 

My son has been coming in and out of our bedroom all day. 
I went online with him this morning to participate in his online class.
My husband interrupted me a couple of times, one of them, he started talking even though I couldn't hear him and I had to say to him, 'Wait wait WAIT!" So I could put the thing I was listening to on hold so I could hear him.
My BFF got in touch with me on Messenger.  I do like talking to her, but I think this is the real source of frustration:  If Messenger or Facebook says that I'm online,  she'll message me and if I don't answer, she worries; and a few weeks ago, there were two times in one week when she CALLED me when she tried to message me and I didn't respond.  Frankly, I feel like I am at everyone's beck and call and I resent it.

My husband means well when he wants to make dinner, and when he wants to make breakfast for us on several occasions, but his well-meaningness can smother me sometimes!   Sometimes I want to make my own breakfast and sometimes I want to make my own dinner and sometimes I just don't want to have spaghetti! 

I'm constantly afraid of being interrupted by people who need something.   And sometimes when my husband and I are talking about subjects, I am just waiting to either be contradicted or corrected or be told, "Well, actually . . ." And sometimes I want to scream!  We've talked before about his "know it all itis" and he tries not to be too much of a know it all.  But I'm just on edge with the fear of being interrupted or the fear of being corrected or feeling like I have to be at everyone's beck and call, or drop everything when someone wants to ask me something!

Or, there's the fear I have if I am going somewhere, am I going to be asked, "What are you doing?  Where are you going?  What are you going to get?  Why are you getting that?"  My husband doesn't do that.  Sometimes he'll offer to come, and sometimes I enjoy his company and sometimes I'd rather do my shopping/errands alone.  I think I know why:  I get very anxious when I feel like someone is looking over my shoulder scrutinizing what it is I'm looking at or wanting to buy.  I don't like being stared at or questioned or have someone just staring over my shoulder, demanding to know what I'm doing or why I'm doing it.  And if I give an explanation, I'm afraid of being asked, "Well, but why that way?  Or why this way?"  Or a long list of criticisms of what I should or shouldn't have done, or a lecture about, "well, when you said this, I felt that" (I had a roommate in my 20's who did that pretty often). 

And while there are things I want him to do, I'm afraid that if I assign husband the task, he'll have so many questions about how to do it that it'll wind up to be easier for me to do it myself rather than constantly have to answer questions about "what do I do next?  Where is the (whatever's needed to finish)?" 

I feel like I have to explain or justify everything I do or want to do and I'm afraid of being yelled at or criticized harshly, no matter what.

The last two days trying to help my son with his classwork have been extremely stressful.  I am developing a headache and it's  only 10:45 in the morning.

hey, allie,

my mex. hub was a 'fixer' - if i ever complained about something, he'd try to fix it for me, which is not what i wanted.  usually i just wanted someone to hear me, listen to me, just be there.  i finally told him that if i want feedback or suggestions, i would ask, that i just needed someone to be there.  and, at these times i learned to preface whatever i had to say but telling him first - i'd just like you to listen, please, and not say anything.  he was able to agree with that, and the stress level went way down.

don't know if that applies to your situation - if not, just ignore it.  i could feel the stress, tho, just from reading what you wrote.  it's terribly difficult to live in that kind of atmosphere all the time.  love and hugs to you, allie :hug:

This morning my husband did step up after he saw I was stressed.  He sat in on my son's online class and helped him with an assignment afterwards.  I told him I appreciated that.

very glad to hear that, allie.  yay!!!

i hope he does more of that, gives you a break more often.  love and hugs :hug:

 :thumbup:

Since Friday, we have had THREE technology meltdowns.  One involved a school assignment where 1. Teacher said no one in the class turned in the assignment.  2.  I delegated problem to my husband to solve.
3. They STILL needed me to find the link to the assignment.  4.  It was a Google Doc my son didn't have permission to access. 5.  After contacting the teacher, son did get permission to access doc, he downloaded it and filled it out by hand, but WE COULD NOT FILL IT OUT ONLINE.  Husband tried working with it.  He couldn't do it either.  6.  He got the idea to scan it and turn it in.  7.  I couldn't get the scanner to work.

At one point, I yelled at my husband and he asked, why are you yelling at me? 

And most of the time, son is hovering over me, waiting for the problem to be fixed.

it finally got fixed the next day.  I reinstalled the printer.

Sunday we had a problem with getting into online church.  There was a problem with the hoster our church was using.  My son could get on.  We could not.  That problem was also fixed. 

Today, I tried to hook up my WiFi adapter to my router by pushing the WPS button.  WHICH DID NOT WORK.

AND, my son needed to set a password for a website he needed for class.  We created one, as asked, with capital letters, lower case letters, numbers, and symbols . . . WHICH THE SITE REJECTED BECAUSE IT WAS TOO WEAK. 

I'm getting so tense these days that it's taking me most of the day to recover.  When I go downstairs in the morning, I'm immediately hit with my son showing me the assignments for the day.  I also have a friend who will message me a couple of times a day.  Sometimes my phone will show that I'm online when I may not be.  I don't know why.  There was a period of time two weeks ago where friend in question called me TWICE IN THE SAME WEEK because she'd tried multiple times to message me and I wasn't answering.

I'm at her beck and call.  I'm at my son's beck and call.  I'm at my husband's beck and call.  Delegating certain things doesn't seem to be working.  I can't delegate the tech stuff because NO ONE ELSE KNOWS HOW TO DO IT.  And as I sit here, my computer's connected to the internet with the Ethernet cable, and it's running slow.  My computer constantly runs slow.  I don't know why.  I constantly am cleaning my cache and defragging it.  It still runs slow.  I'm thinking of getting a new one and giving the old one to my son.  We share a computer, which is also part of the problem.  Not only that, if my son has a problem with his assignments, *I* am the one he will go to.  *I* am the one he obsesses to.  Not my husband.  ME.

And I have an office area I"m trying to clean up and I just can't seem to do it.  My husband and I have switched office areas, yet my husband's work STILL has not given him the go-ahead to work from home.  (He is still getting paid.  He's considered "on leave".) 

AND, not only that, because I have too much time at home (and my proofing work has dried up at the moment), I find myself too much in my head, asking, "Why did people pick on me as a child?  Why did I get involved in that abusive church in college?  why did my mother have to yell at me so much?  What did I do that was so horrible that made people hate me?  What does the Bible really say?  Who am I supposed to vote for?  (I won't go into politics here, except to say that when I mentioned online who I was thinking of voting for, I was told that I would be partially responsible for selling out the country.  My response, which I was very proud of:  "I will vote as I see fit.")

Last night I had a bad evening.  This morning, as mentioned above, we are still having technology problems.  I work better on my iPad than I do on my computer.  I was still in bed but scrolling on my phone when my friend messaged me.   Then I immediately got hit with my son showing me his assignments.  (To be fair to my friend, I told her I had to get dressed and get coffee.  When I told her that my son had immediately showed me his assignments, and that this happens every single morning, she told me that kids don't understand the concept of 'good morning, I love you, let me get my coffee'.)

I'm too tense to work and I'm constantly on edge waiting to be interrupted, asked a question, etc. 

:fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:

I have heard from several people who have experience technical issues with school being online and so many people in the house being online. I don't say that to minimize your frustration, at all, but so you know that you are not alone in your frustration.

The thought came to mind of you giving yourself an hour (or any amount of time) time-out, undisturbed, alone in a room or outside for a walk. Would your son and husband honor that time? Would that be helpful to you?

Regarding your friend, could you say something like, "I'm overwhelmed right now with school and other things going on. I'd like to connect, but I don't have a lot of time to chat right now. Could I call you on (day) sometime between the hours of _____ and _____?"

I did teletherapy today.  I have come down from some of my frustration of the other day.  The way I can sum up everything right now is that we're dealing with technology meltdowns and with being stuck inside for too long, but none of us are measuring the other to see how well they will fit into a cooking pot.  ;D

I am back, again; to vent, again, because i am having trouble coping, again.
Yesterday morning I called my BFF to vent.  I was feeling tense and jumpy, just waiting to be interrupted by someone. 

If I wake up before my husband, I run the risk of waking HIM up.  Our dressers are on the same side of the room, his side (they also serve as a divider between the bedroom area and the "office" area which I am now using.)  The thing that triggered me was worrying about, is he going to wake up and start rubbing at my back, which is often the signal that he wants sex?   Sometimes I just want to get up, go downstairs and have a little bit of alone time before I have to start my day.  But also yesterday, when I got up, my son was running around in his room and making a lot of noise.  His bedroom is right above the living room.

I KNOW the Christian homemaking books say that the wife is supposed to get up first, have her "quiet time" or "devotional time" and then fix breakfast for everyone, but both my husband and my son get up anywhere between 4 and 4:30.  I absolutely cannot get up that early.  (And a decent "quiet time" has been beyond my ken for years.  I listen to an audio Bible app.  I stopped trying to keep up with the Bible studies my Sunday School class and weekly ladies' Bible class was doing because it got to be too much.).

I started back working this week (yay!) but I've been putting in about seven hours' worth of work daily since I've been working.  Yesterday I wanted to go walking with my husband and my son.  I finally told them to go on alone.  The major problem I was having was the spinning blue circle of death that was happening nearly every single time I tried to move the cursor!  The circle can spin from ten seconds up to over a full minute.  AND, all of the transcripts I am listening to are done by videoconference.  For obvious reasons.  Which can affect the sound quality.

Our preacher has been talking a lot about current events lately, particularly a couple of horrific acts of violence  that have happened in the USA.  We have people in our congregation that are very disturbed by what happened.  But as much as I want to support people, I have a limited amount of time and energy, physically and emotionally.  But, if I don't put forth the energy to listen to people's concerns and get educated on those concerns, I fear being told that "you don't care about the people you attend church with."

Both of my knees hurt.  I may have to head back to the orthopedic doc.  They hurt in the same way that my knee hurt about a year and a half or so ago when I ended up having a torn meniscus and needed knee surgery.  One of my docs wants me to walk.  How am I supposed to walk when my knees hurt?

The job I'm currently working on is due Monday.  I'm a quarter of the way in (which is not bad.)

I had an eye exam yesterday and I will be getting new glasses soon.  I took myself out to lunch afterwards, and I was still so tense and jumpy when I got home, I just laid down on the bed and told everyone they had to get their own dinner.
Next week my son has an appointment and either my husband or I will have to take him (and it's 45 minutes one way.)

My husband STILL has not heard when he's going back to work.  He is getting paid, and I'm thankful for that.  But he'd rather be working and I don't blame him for that.

Next week my son's school ends for the semester.  We have gotten his paperwork sent in for vocational rehab.  I have a copy of The Loving Push by Temple Grandin, and every time I pick it up and see what she has to say about electronics addiction, and how staying in a room is not acceptable, I want to scream, "But that is ALL of what he wants to do!  Stay in his room and play with the electronics!  That is IT, and it will be a full-time job just to get him out of there!  I don't have the energy, especially the emotional energy, to do it, especially when most of the job is going to fall on ME!"

My BFF told me, 'you be you', but sometimes I just think that 'me' is not acceptable.  I don't know if I could consider myself "shy" anymore, but shyness is NOT acceptable in our culture.  In American Christian culture, a working mother is just barely acceptable.  An intellectual woman is an anomaly.  And being fat and not that attractive is not acceptable.  I'm way overweight, have tried Weight Watchers, have tried at least one other program, and I just cannot stick with it.  It's too overwhelming to think about food, and exercise, and everything else.

I am really at the point where I just don't care.  Just give me mine and make sure my son is provided for.

Quote from: alliematt on May 16, 2020, 03:16:34 PM
I KNOW the Christian homemaking books say that the wife is supposed to get up first, have her "quiet time" or "devotional time" and then fix breakfast for everyone

I laughed aloud when I read this because I could probably count on one hand the times that has happened in my family. I've read those books too, but it isn't in the Bible. Don't put that pressure on yourself. It is just a person's idea of what a "good Christian wife" is supposed to look like.

Quote from: alliematt on May 16, 2020, 03:16:34 PM
Our preacher has been talking a lot about current events lately, particularly a couple of horrific acts of violence  that have happened in the USA.  We have people in our congregation that are very disturbed by what happened.  But as much as I want to support people, I have a limited amount of time and energy, physically and emotionally.  But, if I don't put forth the energy to listen to people's concerns and get educated on those concerns, I fear being told that "you don't care about the people you attend church with."

I have many friends on both sides of the fence with VERY strong opinions. When I have the energy, I listen (or read on facebook). A lot of times I don't have the energy. Just doing life, getting through each day is often all I can do. Having limits and boundaries doesn't mean you don't care.

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

I'm sure there are plenty of things contributing to this latest bout of depression/anxiety, but the two things that kicked it off were thinking that my husband was going to wake up and want sex, and then hearing my son stomping around on his bedroom floor (which is our living room ceiling).

From there, it spiraled into the subjects my brain obsesses on; and when my tools for work don't work, that does not help, either.  (I finished my latest job yesterday.  I asked husband to take son to his appointment today.).

Today I weighed myself and I'm totally ashamed of myself.  I feel and look like a fat slob.

Had a chat with my husband last night and told him that it helps me with sex when I think of something that I can look forward to, rather than something where i have to drop everything and do it right then.

He gave me a very interesting answer:

"Sometimes you need to tell me no." 

In other words, if I'm not up to it or it's not a good time, he needs to know that so we can plan for sex another time.  :)

(Religious/spiritual content, use appropriate care when reading.)

I read online this morning that a very prominent evangelist/Christian teacher died.  I'm having a rough time with all of the tributes to his life because I also know that he groomed and then abused a young woman, and that also, he lied about certain credentials — he claimed to have studied at a particular university when he didn't, and he used the title "Dr." when his "doctorate" was an honorary one. 

I have a hard time these days trusting so called "Christian" leaders because it seems that so many of them have been caught in abuse or other unethical behavior, and if they themselves are not guilty of unethical behavior, they support those who have been in the name of "believing the best about someone" and "you need to forgive the person because unforgiveness is a sin."  (Spiritual abuse is part of my own C-PTSD and I hope I'm not discussing it here in ways that are violating forum guidelines.)

 :thumbup: for sharing your concerns about these.

I can only say a couple of things as this sort of thing tips me past my boiling point. Briefly, all of my schooling 'til college was more of a survival trek through multiple abuses at the hands of people who hid their perversities behind the holy garb which made them appear respectable. I could write tons, but don't have the stomach for it right now.

I somehow survived, and surprisingly live with a much healthier spirituality these days. Looking back, my time with the early stuff did result in one positive for me -- I had a front-row seat finding out how those sorts carry out some awfully perverse and damaging activity behind their holy disguises. It probably helped me build better discernment, or what I now call my Spiritual Phoniness Detector. When I recall the perpetrators I call them the Gawdawfuls.

There are so many variations to religion/spirituality. The trouble is these sorts who use their 'act' to hide their true selves.

Like all of us, I'm dealing with the fallout of current events from the last month on top of the coronavirus.  (In good news, my husband is now working at home.  Yay!)

Last week, on a FB group devoted to C-PTSD, the owner said that since that was a place to heal, he wasn't going to allow discussion of certain current events.  I think our group here has the same rules.  This caused a nasty reaction from a lot of people, demanding to know, how can we heal if we can't talk about what's bugging us? 

I finally posted that I was going to take a break from current events . . . and then was told that "the fact that you can take a break just shows your privilege.  People like me (i.e. their ethnicity) can't take a break." 

That group is now on a 30-day snooze.

Now I feel guilty for even wanting to "take a break" and not dive into current events discussions, read anything on current events, because "if the main people being affected can't get a break, why should you?  What makes you so special?"

I have not gone to a protest although I've supported people who have protested.  To be honest, trying to explain some of this stuff to my son in a way he can understand is draining enough.  And a well-meaning relative ordered me to "stop listening to the news", but I live near an area that was *directly affected* by violence not too long ago.  I don't think it's wise to just plain stop listening.

It is healthy for you to take care of yourself in the way that seems best for you. Personally, there are times that getting through the day is all I can manage. I cannot bear the weight of the pain of the world. You're not doing anything wrong by taking a break from media.

Notalone, that's exactly what I think.  It's not wrong to take a break from media and to practice some decent self care.

I had a bad dream last night that ended with me asking two of the boys who bullied me as a child, "What did I do to you to make you hate me so much?"

Hi Alliematt - sorry that you had a bad dream last night, but you were so assertive to ask that question of your bullies, and I just wanted to say that I think that is a brave thing. 

I also wanted to say that I admire the fact you have put a snooze button on the group you spoke about, because you're looking after yourself and practising self-care, and that's so positive.  I do the same thing from time to time, taking a break from as many technology things as I can - I've not done it for a while, but it is helpful when I do it.   I hope it's helpful for you too.
Hope  :)

Thank you, Hope!

Last night I dealt with stress by eating.  I cooked an entire box of macaroni and cheese, mixed with a a can of salmon, and ate all of it.  And I didn't care.  I'm obese, need to watch weight and eating . . . and it's just too exhausting.  I wrote an email to someone this morning, and that was what I just kept saying, over and over again.  "I'm exhausted."  I have to go to work right now, and my son has just interrupted me talking about Jeopardy, and he just keeps obsessing on it and I am tired of hearing about it.  I'm exhausted from trying to figure out what I do believe and what I am "supposed" to believe.  I know there are others who are more exhausted than I am, but why can't I be exhausted, too?

(Very small dose of politics, practice self-care as necessary.)

I put a post on a political board this morning, and part of it read, my husband doesn't tell me who to vote for; we respect each other's decisions.

Someone asked me, why do you feel it necessary to say that your husband doesn't tell you who to vote for? 

Instead of explaining, I asked back, "Why do you feel it necessary to ask me that question?" 

I'm still surprised at myself for asking back rather than answering a question that I didn't think was the person's business.

 :thumbup: :thumbup: Good for you, Allie!  :applause: :cheer:

I give up!

there is absolutely no one I can trust anymore.

I can't trust the news.  I can't trust how I was taught history.  I can't trust my Bible because it may have been translated by those that have an agenda.  I can't trust people that teach it because they either have some sort of agenda, are a false teacher, are guilty of some sort of abuse, or support abusers.  When told to trust myself, I answered with, "I can't even do that!" 

I heard one of our morning radio hosts talk about family members "being stuck" in certain places, and I thought, Yeah, that's me!  I am stuck!  I'm stuck at six years old, when I was first bullied by four girls who blocked me on the sidewalk and my family said, "Ignore them"!  I'm stuck in high school, where the bullies drove me off the bus and I told my parents, "They've won, I'll do anything they say," and my mother screamed back, "Don't you DARE say they've won!"  But they did win.  They drove me off the bus, they shattered and ground my self-esteem and self-respect into the dust, and there was nothing I could do about it, and no one was there to stand up for me or with me. 

I'm stuck as a freshman in college, when I joined a cult.

I'm stuck in my mid-20's, when, after leaving that cult, I joined another group that was just as unhealthy. 

I'm stuck at the age I was when my son was diagnosed with autism. 

Yeah!  I'm stuck!!

And I'm ashamed of being stuck.  Because I see no way to get unstuck.

Have you heard of IFS therapy? It's helping me - here's an intro video to the concept, this one is part 1 of 4. https://youtu.be/2UfmGwENz9M

 here's a hug filled with care and compassion, allie.   :hug:

And, to top everything off, I got an email from my proofing people asking about a job due at 9:30 tomorrow that I don't recall getting,but there is an email copy with a time and date stamp, so it was sent to me.

I'm trying to get it from Gmail right now and my computer is running so slowly, I can't download it! 

Nothing is ever going to change.  We'll always be in debt, I am never going to get well, I am never going to stop obsessing or being unhappy and depressed, and when my husband and I die, our son is going to go to the state because there will be no one to take care of him.  And if I become incapacitated?  Who's going to take care of me? 

dear allie, i wish i could help more.  sending you love and a hug filled w/ comfort and care. :hug:

At the moment, I'm dealing with the effects of lack of sleep.  I will probably take another nap.  The work that I downloaded was 428 pages.  I stayed up until 3 a.m. proofing until I finally went to bed, to get up again a little after 6 a.m. and finally finish it. 

I had originally said I was going to take the job and then I never saw it show up in my inbox, so I assumed they just didn't send it.  Apparently it either didn't get downloaded to Outlook or if it did, I just never saw it.

That's on me.  I should have looked, or asked about the job. 

I think I am going to need another nap before i finish up a job I had to drop to do this job. 
Then I can think a lot more clearly.  It's impossible to think clearly on only a few hours' sleep. 

you're right about the lack of sleep thing.  i know that i do much better after i've slept well.  sorry that job got missed.  love and hugs, allie :hug:

I have been in and out of bed for several hours today trying to catch up on missed sleep.  Today is husband's day in the office, and when he came home, I told him the whole story, hopefully tongue in cheeky, starting with, I and I alone am responsible for 95% of what happened.  I put the other 5% of responsibility on my email client. 

What I ended up doing was taking a break every 50 pages, making two small pots of coffee, and throwing in two loads of laundry while I was taking breaks.  I had hoped to finish it all and then go to bed, but at 3 a.m. I gave up because I physically just could not do it.

I got back up at a little after 6 (after only about an hour or so of sleep) and went back to work.  The job was due at 9:30 a.m. and it hit my employer's inbox right at 9:30.

I do have another job due at 11 a.m. tomorrow that's already partway done. 

When that's done, I will take a few deep breaths and then figure out some ways to put some decent physical and mental boundaries in place.  I'm already dealing with plenty physically and mentally and, as you all could tell from a couple of entries ago, I had worked myself into quite a state. I'm not going to be any good to anyone if I keep doing that to myself.  When I say that, that is not me beating myself up; that is me being, I hope, logical and practical. 

This could make either a comedy or a dark comedy when I get enough distance away from it.   ;D

"Everyone makes mistakes."  While that's a true sentence and it should be comforting and encouraging, the voice I hear when I read that sentence is my mother yelling it at me. 

I can't remember the precise context of the conversation, but I do know that it came at the end of a very bad week, which included my parents pulling me off the school bus after a group of bullies bullied me there for the last time.  (This was January, 1981; I was 17.)

I know I said something; it may have been a verbal remark to my sister or to my mother, and it may have been a whine, I cannot remember. 

But my mother took me into our dining room, where we had a small black and white TV.  I even remember that the Bionic Woman was on in a rerun.  My mother turned the TV off, sat me down at the dining room table and the first words out of her mouth were, in a very angry tone, "Everyone makes mistakes!" 

Later in that conversation she said something like, "you're not going crazy" -- I cannot remember, again, the context, but I know she said something about going crazy, and I said, "That's what I'm afraid of!" and she said, "That's all I ever hear from you!  I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid!"

WOULDN'T YOU BE AFRAID IF YOU'D GOTTEN BULLIED FOR TWELVE YEARS WITH LITTLE OR NO RELIEF?

Yes, I WAS afraid.  There was a lot to be afraid of. 

I cannot let this one go.

After the conversation, I went to my room and cried, and it was one of those cries where the sobs just fed on each other. 

Later my mother hugged me.

But I still remember the anger, remember the conversation.  Sometimes I hate my mother. 

A counselor referred to her as "abusive" and I'm having a hard time applying that word to her, because I do not believe she was coldly cruel.

But she.yelled.a.lot. and I became very afraid of being yelled at. 
Add an abusive religious environment in college, where some people DID do a lot of yelling -- and I did not feel that I could yell back lest I be accused of being "unsubmissive" -- and yes, that DOES make me afraid. 

It makes me see God as an abusive parent.

a parent doesn't have to be coldly cruel to be abusive, to my mind.  i don't think my parents were coldly cruel, but being afraid of someone who is supposed to be your protector, well, i think that speaks a truth right there.  growing up in environments containing fear is growing up in an abusive environment.  your strong feelings toward your mother don't come out of nothing, allie.  my opinion only.

the religious thing can be abusive as well.  if it includes shaming and fear, to my mind, that's abusive.  i don't want to get into a religious debate, but i decided years ago to create a higher power i could believe in, one that was full of love and all that goes with the concept of love, including help and caring.  again, my own opinion.

i'm sorry you're struggling so much w/ all this.  please take care of yourself as best you can.  sending love and hugs,  :hug:

You did have a lot to be afraid of. Sad that your mother was not able to comfort you in your fear and then protect you.

Would the phrase, "I'm allowed to be human," be helpful and non-triggering?

You have had a very rough few days. I hope you get some good rest and self-care and (hopefully) care from others.

I'm sorry for all the fear you experienced. It's a terrible thing to go through when it's a constant in your life. I hope you can get some good rest after that big job!

Quote from: notalone on July 08, 2020, 09:55:41 PM
You did have a lot to be afraid of. Sad that your mother was not able to comfort you in your fear and then protect you.

Would the phrase, "I'm allowed to be human," be helpful and non-triggering?

You have had a very rough few days. I hope you get some good rest and self-care and (hopefully) care from others.

Sometimes it's rough for me to admit that "I'm allowed to be human," but that is true.  I am allowed to be human.  (Bible passage follows, use self-care if triggering) There is a verse somewhere in Psalms that says that God knows how we are formed and "he remembers that we are but dust."

I made sure I got plenty of rest after that big job.  To give you an idea of how swamped my proofing people are, I'm working on a job right now and I can't remember if it's the second or third one I've done AFTER that big job!  (Really, this could all be avoided if people would just learn not to sue each other!  ;D). (But I also understand that lawsuits are at times necessary.)

I have also done some creative writing and that's been helpful. 

In re my mother:  If she was abusive, it also makes me wonder if *her* parents were abusive.  My parents lived in my mother's house after my dad graduated from college.  I understand that they were going to buy their own house when my grandfather suddenly died and my grandmother pleaded with them not to leave because she didn't want to live alone.  My grandfather died a year before I was born, and I was also a preemie. 

It took several years to figure out what I was missing in the relationship between my mother and grandmother, and I think it was that I did not feel a lot of genuine warmth between them.  I think my mother felt manipulated by my grandmother and resented it. 

One reason I got into genealogy was to try and put together pieces from my past.  I don't have any severe skeletons in the closet that I'm aware of; I do know that I had a grandfather that died young; and I also come from an area of the country known for poverty.  We moved away when I was very young so we escaped the area, but my parents' thinking was definitely passed down to us.

Quote from: alliematt on July 09, 2020, 03:19:14 PM
Sometimes it's rough for me to admit that "I'm allowed to be human," but that is true.  I am allowed to be human.  (Bible passage follows, use self-care if triggering) There is a verse somewhere in Psalms that says that God knows how we are formed and "he remembers that we are but dust."

Psalm 103:13-14

Quote from: notalone on July 09, 2020, 11:54:36 PM

Quote from: alliematt on July 09, 2020, 03:19:14 PM
Sometimes it's rough for me to admit that "I'm allowed to be human," but that is true.  I am allowed to be human.  (Bible passage follows, use self-care if triggering) There is a verse somewhere in Psalms that says that God knows how we are formed and "he remembers that we are but dust."

Psalm 103:13-14

thanks for finding the reference!

Bad day yesterday.  I think my adrenals crashed from that long proofing job of Monday/Tuesday.  When I don't feel well, everything looks black. 

I texted a group of women I know and said that my heart was heavy.

NO ONE ANSWERED.

Maybe they're just tired of my complaining.  That's not the first time I've said that I've had a heavy heart, but it's the first time I haven't gotten an answer from anyone.  I don't know if I was being ignored or if no one, literally, saw my text (if it didn't go through) or what, and so many of us are having so many problems, I really don't want to put it through again.

Like just about everyone, I am so tired of COVID.  I'm tired of isolation.  I just want to hug someone that isn't family.  I want people to learn to work through their problems instead of screaming all the time. 

I wonder if I even want to get better.  I don't know if I don't want to get better or if I want to but just don't think it's ever possible.  "Getting well" seems to involve so much work that it's just so overwhelming, and I don't even know if half the stuff out there — as far as physical health care is concerned — is even valid.  Am I going to go to someone who's going to wind up taking my money and leaving me sicker and poorer, like the poor woman in the Bible who bled for 12 years and spent everything she had on doctors?

Hi alliematt, I don't think we've met yet, I just wanted to say hello  :heythere:

I'm sorry no one responded. I hope it was because either the message didn't go through, or because by chance no one was available to respond. I can understand not wanting to resend it. It hurts when you think no one heard you, you try again, and then it turns out they heard but chose to ignore, so it's really hard to try again. I hear you that your heart is heavy.

I relate to the worries and fears about getting better. It is overwhelming and it does take enormous amounts of work. It requires patience and time, unfortunately. I do very much believe getting better is possible, it's just that it's a long road. And when you're in the midst of symptoms, it can feel hopeless.  There is a lot to sort through on what's out there and what's valid / what works for you. It's a lot of trial and error. I think rather than not try anything at all, try to research as much as possible, try to see what makes sense to you and try it out. If it's starting to seem like it's not right, give yourself permission to do something else.

I hope your day today will be better than yesterday. Maybe take some time to get some much needed rest so you can recover from earlier in the week.  :thumbup:

So nice to meet you, Owl!   :heythere:

I had an EXTREMELY frustrating morning online.  During our Sunday School I lost my Internet connection and couldn't get back in the class.

My son greeted me with a news story he was watching about someone making masks.  He was upset because it was about masks and he doesn't want to wear them. 

I am OBESE, cannot seem to lose weight, so what do I do?  Get everyone McDonald;s for lunch!

Life has become too hard, too difficult, too frustrating, and too exhausting for me.  And I wonder if I even want to get well.

Alliematt,
I sure get the frustration on trying to relate to people online, and then internet not working. I'm sure it's really hard for your son to understand about masks and I'm guessing disturbing to him to have it on his face.  I can relate to being overweight and then buying McDonald's. It is so hard and frustrating. I hear that you are really exhausted.

I think I *was* really exhausted when I wrote that entry.  After a week in which we've had rough times with our WiFi, I did some tinkering with our system and it *may* be working.  My husband, unfortunately, is having problems with his WORK connection.  Here's a funny:  He had to borrow MY office area to get his work done and I had to borrow HIS office area to have a teletherapy session!

After my session today with my counselor, we both agree that the entire planet needs a diagnosis of "adjustment disorder". No one is handling things optimally these days at all.  Perhaps that calls for all of us to show some extra grace.

I'm already feeling tense this morning.

Saturdays is usually when it's the worst, because:

1.  I don't always know if I should expect my husband to want sex.  (Some time back, he was "in the mood" when I had a full bladder, my son was taking a shower and I couldn't get in, and we were at the point where we really couldn't stop.). I've told him before that I can't always drop everything and do it, but that I do better when I can anticipate it happening.

2.  My husband tends to talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, on saturdays especially.  I KNOW he needs someone to talk with about the subjects he enjoys.  But there are times he can go on and on and on.

3.  This particular day, my BFF was pinging me on Messenger (she's visiting grandkids this weekend) and I sometimes feel that if I don't respond immediately, she will end up calling me asking if I am okay.  Which she's done on occasion.  Sometimes, I just don't feel like talking! 

4.  I'm just plain tired of everything.  Yesterday my counselor and I said that the entire planet needed a diagnosis of adjustment disorder. 

5.  I don't want to do chores today.  They never get done.

6.  If I put earbuds in or earphones on, often, what happens is that either husband or son will come up and/or start talking, which means I have to take earbuds/earphones off to hear them.  When they're done, I put earphones back on .. . Few minutes later, they start talking, so earbuds come off.  Off, on, off, on, off, on. 

7.  I'm afraid that no matter what I say or do, I'm going to be accused of some sort of microaggression.  I'm trying to understand our history of race and racism but sometimes I feel like it's never enough. 

8.  I am OBESE, need to lose weight, and feel so ashamed of how big I've let myself get and how much I've let myself go.  Which makes me want to cry and reach for the cookies and candy.  Last night I made Mac and cheese with salmon.  Loaded with carbs.  But when I've tried to change eating habits, I can't stick with it.  And my husband and son WILL NOT eat what I try to eat.  so then I have to worry about buying particular food for all three of us.  I'm tired of worrying about what to eat. 

9.  yesterday I asked for suggestions on a description I was writing.  This morning I was told that I was asking other people to do my writing for me.  I resent that.  This was something I needed help with and I asked for help!

10.  And with all of the above, if someone disagrees with me, the first thing I think is, "They're right and I'm wrong and I have to apologize and agree with them.  And if I don't, I will be shamed into doing so."

I turned off FB for today.  I keep saying "I'm worn out from all of it."

AND, we've been having Wi-Fi problems all week; I tinkered with a few things and it seems to be working better .. .  BUT, my husband's work Wi-Fi isn't working well.  I can't figure out if our cable company will come out and help us reconfigure our network.  I'm afraid that all they want us to do is to buy their WiFi pods.  We know someone who is a computer expert . ..  and guess who gets to email them to ask, what can we do?  ME!  I am tired of being the go-to IT expert in my house! 

Is it okay that I just want to curl up and cry?

QuoteIs it okay that I just want to curl up and cry?

Yes!!!  :hug:

Your Saturdays feel like mine too and I could really resonate with what you said.  Thank you for sharing.  I hope you are able to find ease today.

Today is a day I wish we were allowed swears in here.  I understand the reason behind that rule, though, and I'm not going to break it.  I will just find other appropriate words to express myself. 

I'm down on myself and just can't seem to progress.  I wrote a FB comment about how I'm just plain tired of all of it, but what are people supposed to do?  So many of my problems are where I've been stuck  for years, even decades.  I've despaired of ever getting better.

I have had one thing after another go wrong with our computers/WiFi for about the last week or two.  We may have to throw in the towel and call our ISP.  I hate technology.  And with everything else going on, I feel totally, completely STRESSED!
:fallingbricks:

hey, allie,

you are going thru so much - no wonder you want to curl up and cry, or just swear here.  i've been there - it has helped me to write out all those nasty thoughts, feelings, and words on paper, get all that blackness out of me, then toss it in the garbage can outside.  just getting it out of me felt a bit cleansing.  just a thought.

sending love and a hug filled w/ care and some comfort for you and your heavy heart. :hug:

Well, life has added another layer to the word "interesting".  My husband's been exposed to someone who tested positive for COVID.  They were both masked and practicing social distancing.  (This happened at the workplace.)

He'll have to quarantine for the next couple of weeks. 

Long sigh . . .

:spooked: :fallingbricks:

best with this, allie.  i've been dealing w/ my hub in mex. while he's been recovering from covid.  so far, he's hangin' on.  i hope your H does not get it.  fingers crossed, prayers flying!  love and hugs to you and your family, my dear. :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 04, 2020, 04:04:56 AM
best with this, allie.  i've been dealing w/ my hub in mex. while he's been recovering from covid.  so far, he's hangin' on.  i hope your H does not get it.  fingers crossed, prayers flying!  love and hugs to you and your family, my dear. :hug:

Thank you back.  So far, hubby is fine.  He is quarantined in the home office so he can still work.  I took him up a box of tea this morning.  He asked me to make him some, and after I did, I also brought him a heating element so he could just stick that into water and heat it up. 

(I now have a place I can banish him to if necessary.   ;D ;D)

Hi Alliematt,
Wishing your husband the best, and hope he remains free from covid.
Hope you are ok.
:hug:
Hope  :)

My husband's been self-isolating for a week.  No one is ill. 

Emotionally, I'm not doing terribly well.  I'm sorry I can't seem to get any better. :-(

For some weird reason, I went to a very dark place last night.  I'm still not sure why.  I don't know if something went haywire in my brain chemistry or WHAT? 

I do feel better today and I think an early bedtime may be best for me. :-)

Well, already it's been a day!

My son's back in school and he called me saying he'd worn the wrong shoes.  The program he's in is working in an elementary school this year and they are required to wear non-skid shoes.  So I needed to go down and deliver them.
This was AFTER I realized that I couldn't make coffee because the lid to the decanter, which I need to put on top of the decanter in order for the coffee maker to work correctly, was in the dishwasher . . .which was running.
And events are just washing over me.  I am tired and burned out.

Hi Allie,
Sending you a supportive hug, if you'd like to have one of those  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thanks.  I'm crawling out of the black hole!

glad to hear you're heading toward the light once again, allie.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi Allie,
Glad you're heading towards the light.   :hug:
Hope  :)

I have been taking advantage of the Labor Day holiday and . . . Laboring. :-). To be honest, between COVID and the election, I'm mentally exhausted and I figured doing some decluttering and organizing would help.  Plus I follow several YouTube channels that are actually about cleaning.  That's good motivation.

Boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy.

I made a very bad assumption and I am very glad it was corrected quickly.

My sister texted me this morning saying she was a grandmother and sent me a picture of the baby. 

I was very happy for her but rather upset that no one had told me her daughter was pregnant.

Well, after I commented on her daughter having a C-Section, she said, it's not my daughter's.  It's my stepson's.

I keep forgetting that my sister has a stepson and stepdaughter from her current marriage.

And here I was going on in my thoughts about, you deliberately cut me out of the loop, how dare you, why did you do that . . . Only to learn that none of that was true. 

Here's what I will give myself credit for:
1.  I journaled my feelings.
2.  I decided to just tell my sister congratulations instead of reaming into her immediately.
3.  I did vent to my husband only and not on social media.
4.  I admitted I was wrong.

It is so easy at times to project things onto other people and assume that some things are true when they are not.  I'm glad I was wrong here.

Something that has also been helping me is the supplement gaba.  My son's naturopath recommended that as a way to calm anxiety.  I am still taking my prescription meds as well.

Quote from: alliematt on October 09, 2020, 11:03:45 AM
Here's what I will give myself credit for:
1.  I journaled my feelings.
2.  I decided to just tell my sister congratulations instead of reaming into her immediately.
3.  I did vent to my husband only and not on social media.
4.  I admitted I was wrong.

:cheer: :applause:

WHOA!  It's been over a month since I've been here?

Celebrated an anniversary, a birthday, AND we finally got to go back to the church building after eight months!

Voted, and am glad that he-who-shall-not-be-named will be out of the Oval Office next year.

Yesterday I tensed up in front of the computer . . . I don't think this has as much to do with my past as it does that I've had a lot of work this week and it has been exhausting to try and keep up with it.  And even though my apps say "you're hitting your sleep goal" I'm not feeling refreshed.  I've been waking up at least once to go to the bathroom (normal for my age  ;) ) and I've been waking up around 3:30 a.m. and having a rough time going back to sleep.  Might be the time change more than anything.  Right now I feel tense because I will have to get to work soon, and I just think I may be mentally exhausted. 

Like I tell my BFF, I'm not at the edge of a cliff, and I'm not dealing with debilitating depression. 

Okay, I may have screwed up and anxiety is rearing its ugly head.  I'm trying to sell an old court reporting machine to someone online; I have a possible buyer . .. and due to the person's first name, I was curious as to whether they are male or female.  So I asked and got the response, "odd question."
Which it probably is in this day and age. And it's probably none of my business but I was curious. 
Now I'm beating myself up for even asking. And maybe they'll get mad and not even want the machine. And . . . And . ..  and. . . See where anxiety is going?

At least I know it's anxiety that's talking to me.

And, today I have an appointment with an oral surgeon because yesterday, I had a dental cleaning with x-rays and the x-rays saw a shadow on my jaw behind my lower front teeth.  Of course, a Google search gives you worst case scenario. I'm glad I'm doing the appointment today instead of waiting.

Hi Alliematt,
I hope your appointment goes ok. 
Take care,
Hope  :)

Thank you, Hope.

The scenario I described in my last post never came to fruition.  I talked to the person's wife (the person turned out to be a male!), the transaction has gone through and I am a little bit richer (until we have to spend the money on bills and/or debt!   ;D )

The oral surgeon I saw said that nothing tingled her "spidey sense" but she does want to do a CT scan, which I have on December 1st.  One of her first questions was, do you grind your teeth? Which I do. 

Annnd, I also have a follow up with the urologist tomorrow (following up from my procedure last month.) 

I am still convinced that my purpose in life is to contribute to keeping the "health care" sector of the GDP healthy!

Still here, reasonably healthy and sane at the moment.  My current concern is about my son, who is about to age out of his program and does not want to work. The thought of working is making him very anxious.
This is a huge transition for him and I don't blame him for being anxious. I've told him that he will have plenty of help. :-) (For anyone new reading my journal, my son has autism.)

Hi Alliematt,
It's good that you reassured your son that he will have plenty of help.  I think his concerns about working are understandable.  But I very much hope that he'll be ok.  Glad to hear you're feeling reasonably healthy and sane at the moment, that's good. 
Sending you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:
Take care,
Hope  :)

Hugs are definitely OK. I hope the time will come soon where people can do REAL hugs. 

Hi Allie, I wanted to send you support and as Hope said, you're doing a great job with everything and caring for your son. Happy that you're feeling reasonably healthy. Sending you lots of hugs  :hug:
And you're right, I'm waiting when you can actually hug friends. I haven't had a hug with one of my friends for two months now, and I miss it a lot.  :hug:  :hug: here are lots of virtual hugs and warm energy from me :)

Had I written this yesterday, it would have been a long complaint about how tired I was.

Today, I feel much better.  I think my mental state was directly tied to poor sleep and some overwhelming work. Getting a little bit better sleep last night helped, and I have tackled two out of the four jobs that have been assigned to me this week. 

I wish a good night's sleep was a *cure* for everything.  It is not.  But it does help your morale. (As does chocolate. :-) )

Sheesh!  Last night I was so exhausted I went to bed at 7.  I fell asleep and all night long, had very vivid, terrifying dreams.  Woke up around midnight scared out of my mind, went back to bed, had more vivid, terrifying dreams, which ended with me ordering a giant bagel and an apple from McDonald's, then driving off to Starbucks for a mocha Frappuccino . . . Only to have my alarm go off before I got to Starbucks. 

I've had a busy, mentally tiring week because I've had one job after another after another, along with a phone interview with my son's Voc rehab counselor. Last night may have been my poor brain's way of processing everything.  I'm glad it's Friday.  I do have about 50 pages to proof for the weekend in addition to about 70 pages to finish before noon.  It's 7:30 a.m. so I should be able to get those finished.

Seems most of my concerns these days are about the here and now instead of the past; although I've had too many days recently where I've mentally demanded, what did I do that was so awful that people bullied me?

Hi Alliematt,

I just wanted to offer you a hug, if that is helpful  :hug: - I hope you get some more restful nights of sleep in the coming days.  You have a lot going on in your life just now - I hope you got some rest over the weekend, and that you were able to finish your proof reading ok. 

I sometimes think that people who bully people don't necessarily do it because of anything the person did or didn't do, but just because they are bullies.  I don't know.  I know you didn't ask for a comment about that, and I hope you don't mind the fact I said something - I was just thinking aloud and wrote it down.

:hug:
Hope  :)

Today I am just plain exhausted and want to cry.  Yesterday it took me SIX HOURS to proofread 127 pages of a transcript. It was medical testimony with every instance of the word "sacracoccygeal" misspelled, and it's possible I just misspelled here and I frankly don't feel like looking it up again! Work has been just mentally draining on me. And I have half of one transcript to go before I start on still another. 

I will not take any work over Christmas weekend. 

My son is seeing the naturopath today, and since my husband's home on vacation, I asked him to take him, and he agreed.

Since around Saturday, I have been very tense and irritable.  I took a 180 page job over New Year's that had a LOT of names to verify. When I turned that one in, I was asked to do a 241 page job that was due yesterday by 3 p.m., with *no leeway allowed*. 

It was exhausting.

Monday I worked most of the day. I said at dinner that we needed more apples and bananas and that I would go get them.  Husband asked, are you done with your proofing? I can go get them. I said, okay, why don't you go get them, son and I will do dishes.

Husband immediately pointed to the stairs, his way of saying, you need to get back to work.

I could tell by the expression on his face that he was being tongue in cheeky . . . and then he did say he knew he was hovering . . . but WHY does he feel the need to hover over me to make sure I get my work done? I don't normally miss deadlines.  I have turned in stuff maybe an hour or so late because the job took longer than I thought. And there's only been twice where I had to say, I can't finish.  Once was when I had chest pains and went to the ER. The other was when I got word that my mother was dying.

Yesterday was awful. I keep track of my work time on an app just for my own information. Monday I put in over seven hours of time. Tuesday was over three and a half hours in the morning.  All of that was on one transcript. When I finally finished, I pushed back my chair . . . and immediately knocked over the floor lamp that I'd moved behind me in order to get better lighting.

The glass lampshade broke.

And when I picked up the lamp, there was smoke coming out of the top.

I think I killed the lamp.

This is not helping my mental state. This is going on the third or fourth day of me feeling so tense that I can barely do anything. And I need to take my son to a dental appointment today. Tomorrow the car goes in for service. Friday I see the chiropractor. Meals have to be cooked. I've read up on how to do meal planning, and a suggestion was to precook stuff that you could precook on the weekend so you wouldn't have to cook during the week. Well, guess what I was doing this past weekend?  Working, so I couldn't precook!

My husband has tried to help in the past with meal planning, but HIS idea of meal planning is to get out all the cookbooks and make a list of things that sound interesting without taking into account what the ingredients are or how long it's going to take to cook the stuff!
And lately, it seems like he wants to take over and do everything; do all the chores, especially.  Christmas I stayed out of the way. He did all the cooking. He usually cooks the turkey/ham anyway and my son and I clean up afterwards. But I sometimes wonder if he thinks no one else can do it right.  Of course, that's also MY problem; I think no one else can do it right, either!

I'm starting to think that maybe I could qualify for a diagnosis of anxiety disorder.  I don't know.  I'm trying to get up the courage to call a new psychiatrist because my old one may be going out of business. And i need to do it soon because I'm running out of meds (I have enough to last me for the next few weeks.)

I'm exhausted all.the.time.  And I don't feel like I'm allowed to be exhausted because of my "privilege".  I don't feel like I'm allowed to complain or be tired because I have "privilege".

Yesterday after I broke the lamp, I ate lunch and then stretched out on the couch.  We finally, after many months of me saying we needed one, have a new couch for the living room, one I can stretch out on. I put on a YouTube channel I enjoy and took a nap on that couch.

I'm tense, exhausted, stressed, and while I have good reasons to be tense, exhausted, and stressed, I feel guilty for it as well.

:'( :'( :'( :'( :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :sharkbait: :sharkbait: :rundog: :rundog:

Those last two are me trying to outrun the sharks and me trying to keep running on the treadmill.

Alliematt, I don't know how to word what I want to say in the perfect words, but I'm so sorry you're going through such a tough time. I could feel the anxiety and the overload (understatement, I know...) of stress you've been going through. I'm sending you my biggest hug that hopefully can shield you from some of the ongoing worries and just bad thoughts :bighug:
I hear you, Alliematt. And I just want to say that you should not feel guilty of resting/taking a break/ or just laying around and doing nothing when it's overwhelming and exhausting. I feel your pain, and I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
Sending you support and care, and some fresh water to help cleanse your mind a bit from all the thoughts going around (i hope this imagery is ok...)  :hug:  :hug:

Fresh water is always good.  Thank you.  Both my son and I had haircuts today (after I wrote my entry). the lady who cut my hair said that hairdressers were therapists, and I agreed!

Hi Alliematt,
Thank you for sharing with us! It sounds like you are juggling so much at the moment. Like Marta said, the anxiety and overload is palpable, you are a very talented writer!!

Quote from: alliematt on January 06, 2021, 01:25:12 PM
I'm tense, exhausted, stressed, and while I have good reasons to be tense, exhausted, and stressed, I feel guilty for it as well.

I think you are absolutely allowed to be exhausted. I think an important aspect of privilege is twofold: (1) knowing what advantages you may have and (2) knowing the hard work you have put in to overcome struggles that you face. I think you have done a very good job in identifying both.
The fact that you may have advantages does not take away from the fact that you still put forth hard work and effort to achieve all that you have achieved. While your hard work does not erase the advantages that that are bestowed upon you, your advantages don't erase the hard work you put forth in order to succeed.

Quote from: alliematt on January 06, 2021, 01:25:12 PM
I'm starting to think that maybe I could qualify for a diagnosis of anxiety disorder.  I don't know.  I'm trying to get up the courage to call a new psychiatrist because my old one may be going out of business. And i need to do it soon because I'm running out of meds (I have enough to last me for the next few weeks.)

It can be so difficult to find a new psychiatrist and bring up the possibility of a new diagnosis, I really stand with you on this one. I have used a symptom tracker in the days/weeks/months that I have put off bringing something up to my provider, it's helped me have more of a place to start to say "See? I have been dealing with x,y,z for x amount of time." Wishing you all the courage and luck that the new provider will be what you need  :cheer:

It took me over a week to get up the courage, but I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on January 27th.

I have to remind myself that no one has good mental health these days, and we with mental health challenges are a bit more vulnerable. The weekend of New Year's, I was stressed; then that Wednesday, I got a haircut, which helped . . . and then all you-know-what broke loos in Washington and I was just shocked, like so many others.  "Yelling" at my counselor helped today.

Quote from: alliematt on January 14, 2021, 06:06:20 PM
It took me over a week to get up the courage, but I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on January 27th.

:cheer: That's awesome!! Sincerest hopes that it goes well~

Just tired and demoralized from current events in the USA, from work I need to do that's due Monday, and from not sleeping well last night.  Last week I put on the texting thread for my ladies' church group, just want to know if everyone's OK; I encourage you to talk to a safe person if you need to and I'm willing to be that person.

I got TWO responses from a group of 19 people, they were hearts on my comment. Maybe I'm being unfair, selfish, and self-pitying, but that hurt.  I would have liked for at least someone to say, "Thank you for being concerned." When a woman on that thread said that she was dealing with cellulitis on her foot and it wasn't getting better, there were a lot more responses to her. I suspect that it's because 1. She's over 90 and any kind of infection is especially dangerous in that age group, and 2. I wonder if we're just more comfortable offering our thoughts to the sick than we are to those who are emotionally hurting.

I wonder, too, if people are just uncomfortable when I talk about dealing with depression. Is it me? Are people just tired of my "what about me?" attitude that I fear I'm projecting? 

I sent an email off to two people on staff at my church staying that I just felt exhausted from things. That was about three days ago. I still haven't gotten an acknowledgment. I KNOW people are burnt out and overwhelmed and maybe it's not fair for me to expect responses from certain people.  But are people just tired of hearing my complaints and feeling like they can't help?

I don't even know where to start.  Everything is a priority. I'm way overweight and my docs have been after me for YEARS to lose weight and exercise . . . WHEN do I have time?  WHEN? And is it unreasonable to expect myself to go to bed and wake up after eight hours of decent sleep?

And why do I feel like I have to do all of this alone?

(Edited to add:  One of the two people I emailed just texted me thanking me for my email. I told him I appreciated that!)

Hi alliemat,

Wanted to send you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:  I hope you were able to get some better sleep. 

Hope  :)

Quote from: alliematt on January 15, 2021, 06:21:36 PM
I got TWO responses from a group of 19 people, they were hearts on my comment. Maybe I'm being unfair, selfish, and self-pitying, but that hurt.  I would have liked for at least someone to say, "Thank you for being concerned." ... I wonder if we're just more comfortable offering our thoughts to the sick than we are to those who are emotionally hurting.

I wonder, too, if people are just uncomfortable when I talk about dealing with depression. Is it me? Are people just tired of my "what about me?" attitude that I fear I'm projecting? 

Alliematt, I don't think it is unfair, selfish or self-pitying to feel hurt by the group's response. I think you were very brave and compassionate to reach out to them and offer a safe place for them to talk. I'm so sorry that they have let you down, I can see how that would be hurtful :c
I agree with your thought that people are more comfortable offering concern to those with physical illness rather than discussing emotional hurt - especially when it comes to depression. I do not think it is "you" at all. More of a cultural thing in my humble opinion.

Quote from: alliematt on January 15, 2021, 06:21:36 PM
And why do I feel like I have to do all of this alone?

We're here with you on OOTS!! I hope it's not too intrusive to say: please think of us if you ever feel terribly alone. I know it's not a replacement for your other relationships, but we see you and hear you. Sending you a hug if that's okay with you  :hug:

:: snarl :: Did not sleep well last night.

Sunday I sang on praise team and got compliments.  :) But when I saw myself on our YouTube video, I thought, I look like an absolute blimp. I'm ashamed and embarrassed at the way I look. Then I want to cry and eat more. How do you exercise and make good food choices when you're tired all the time and that gives you brain fog?

I need to get to work for today.  AND, last week I found out my son's vo-tech caseworker left; which means I have to get used to yet ANOTHER caseworker (we talk Friday at 3:30). AND I'm getting in touch with what are called supported employment vendors, people who help other people get jobs.

I should not have to do this! My son should be graduating from college right about now and looking for his own job; but since he has autism, that isn't going to happen!

It's over. As of 1:15 today, my son is no longer a public school student. Today was his age out day. He got so much stuff for a going away party that his teacher and their assistant followed the bus home to deliver everything!

I have so many mixed emotions. I'm sure I will need to take my time to process stuff. (I did tell my son to "decompress" because he had earned it!)

Guys, I AM EXHAUSTED. My body is just screaming that it's exhausted.  All week I've done practically nothing but play Sims and work on proofing. I've already done over 4000 pages of proofing and the year is only 50 days old. I did open a bank account for my son on Tuesday (and because I forgot that my husband takes the car that day, my son and I used Uber for the first time!) I have an assignment due today and I can't get going on it. DH is also stressed. He had major phone duty yesterday. We're playing phone tag with people who are going to replace our roof. And I have a phone call with my son's voc rehab counselor this afternoon.

:fallingbricks:

Why did I get picked on as a child? This is the question I can't answer or can't get answered.

The spiritual abuse as a college student I can understand because that wasn't personal. That was a system that was used to abuse people and I was not the only victim there.

The bullying?  That was personal. That was targeted.

I once counted up 40 different people who bullied me in one way or another through 12 years of school. Now, obviously, if that many people bullied me, and I'm the common denominator, it must be me, right? What did I do that was so horrible that people felt like it was okay to bully me? What was it about me that attracted bullies? Was I that bad? was I that weird?

And for the third week in a row, I'm not going to get to the gym. I was doing SO WELL and then got hit with a bunch of work . . . AND I NEED TO WORK TO PAY OFF DEBT. We just borrowed money to have the roof repaired. It will have to be paid back.

I just plain feel sad today.  I've had bad dreams (not nightmares) during the last couple of days; I'm obsessed with, does a particular person like or hate me (a person I see at church) and I shouldn't BE so obsessed; I have proofing work due tomorrow and I'm not in the mood to do it, and I'm just so sad about what is currently going on in the world. And I'm worried about my son's future. I'm worried that there will be no one for him when we're gone.

I need someone or somewhere to say this, but who and where?

And when I think about worry or fear, I hear myself saying to my mother -- after telling her I thought I was "going crazy" -- "That's what I'm afraid of" and her screaming back at me, "That's all I ever hear from you! I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid!"

When she said that, I was 17, had gone through 12 years of bullying, and my parents had just pulled me off the school bus due to said bullying. And I had a bad relationship with my boyfriend; he didn't give me the courtesy to tell me that we had broken up.

So yeah, I was afraid then, and I'm afraid now.  :'( :'( :'( :'(

I'm recovering from being ill, have a lot on my plate today, the roof is being fixed Thursday . . . and I just plain feel unhappy. And I feel guilty for feeling unhappy. I have had a load to carry for too long and I'm just tired, as I have been for a very long time.

:fallingbricks:  :'( :'( :'(

Sounds like you have a lot going on right now, and things are difficult. I think it's pretty reasonable to be unhappy when you're overburdened and tired (not to mention chronically scared and stressed). Maybe you can do a bit of self care? It's okay to rest for a while sometimes, especially when you're ill.

I hope you feel better soon!  :hug: if you would like.

I was in and out of bed all weekend. And even then, I needed to help my husband in applying for our loan online. We had a minor bit of panic when we saw "your closing documents have expired, please call . .  ." And did another loan application.  I had a rough time being patient with my husband. He is not as computer savvy as I am.

I ended up calling the bank on Monday and finding out that no, we didn't need do another loan application, we just needed to call the bank. So we've both electronically signed the documents and the people will be coming to replace the roof on Thursday.

I have not posted here in a long time, in fact, the warning at the top of this post says "this topic has not been posted in for at least 120 days." I haven't posted because mainly the workload and life itself has just gotten to be too much for me.

A few weeks ago,I had what I called the week from Hades.  I proofread 756 pages that week and 300 of them were on one deposition. The people I work for are dealing with COVID backlog. Last week I had another week from Hades. This time, i proofread 950 pages. Right now I'm at the dentist's with my son for a cleaning (his) and i have about 215 pages to proof when I get back. Those are due tomorrow.

We had a power outage on Friday but everything is back to normal. Except for our thermostat. Our screen is black and I don't know why. My husband handed me a flyer we'd gotten in the mail from an HVAC company, saying, we've worked with them before.  I handed it back to him, saying, "Then YOU call them." He eventually got online and made an appointment, but in the back of my head I kept thinking, I don't think they're the ones who installed our thermostat.  After doing a LOT of Googling online, i finally figured out that it was another company that installed it. I made an appointment online with them and I'm supposed to hear from them sometime today. My point being;  Why am I the one who has to worry about this stuff? Why am I the one to carry the emotional load? My husband does ask if he can help and there are ways that he does. But his idea of 'making up a meal list' is going through all of our cookbooks and writing down possible recipes without thinking about, do we have the ingredients, how easy is it to cook, how much will it cost, and will our son eat it? I asked him a while ago, could he make grilled cheese? He said, no. More recently I asked if he and our son could make waffles. He overmixed the batter and the waffles didn't turn out at all.
He *won't* use delivery apps on the phone. There are some things I do because, well, I'm available and since I'm available, I'm the one to do them.

My body crashed on Saturday. Sunday I spent most of the day in bed. That was the same Sunday my husband handed me the HVAC flyer. I was also thinking, I'm ill. Why do I have to worry about this? (I think my adrenals were shot and that's why I got sick. I'm well enough today to take my son to the dentist.)

We're working with Voc Rehab to find my son a job. He would rather not work. He'd rather stay home and play on his electronics. I also got the ball rolling with Social Security to sign up for benefits. That was at the end of June and I am STILL waiting on the paperwork that was supposed to come in the mail about a week ago. My son's also had one job interview and that did not pan out. He's working with a job coach through Voc rehab so that makes interviews a little easier. I'm the one that will probably have to take him to work and back unless the job is on a bus line... in which case, I am probably the one who will have to show him how to use the bus.

We've had several people leave our church, including several people I know pretty well, and although I know people have the right to leave and go where they want, it makes me sad and it makes me angry. What did we do that was so bad? And if certain people are leaving (one of them is a former elder of ours) does that mean I should leave, too? But my son, especially, is very attached to the church and i don't want to leave for his sake; plus, I do appreciate our preacher.

I'm down to seeing my counselor once a month because she's had to raise her rates. We do get a percentage reimbursed by our insurance but even with that, I can't afford to see her more often.

I can't talk to my husband about politics. I see us going in different directions and there's a tone in his voice when he talks about certain issues that make me afraid to pursue the subject with him. I can't talk to my BFF about certain things with our church because she disagrees with me and I don't want to start a fight. I can't share with a lot of people some of the things that I think about religion and God and other things because it would involve a very long back story about who I'm talking about and what I'm talking about and why it's important to me. 

I can't quit my job because we owe about 2500 on the roof, 33,000 on my student loans, and 18,000 on the mortgage, AND we need other work done on the house as well. Plus I'd like to paint the walls and get some new carpeting. Or put down flooring. What I REALLY want to do is buy an RV and go traveling.  But it's not so much the travel I want as it is the escape. I can't cope. I seriously researched leaving the US several years ago. WE can't do it because we have a child with special needs that may or may not be accepted.

I watch This Is Us and there was one episode where a character was in serious disagreement with her husband about an issue.  She told him, 'I can't find the door.' Meaning, I can't find a way to solve this problem. Well, that's where I am. I can't find the door. I don't even know if there is a door.  I sometimes think I would rather whine about how bad things are than do something about them. But I'm also afraid of trying a solution and just being disappointed by failure.

I wish I could come back here and say I'm doing better.  :'( :'( :'( :'( :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:

Hi.   :wave:

I'm new here. That's a lot to be dissatisfied with and it sounds overwhelming. I couldn't manage to come up with solutions to all that either. I will say though that if YOU are happy with your church then maybe allow that just because it isn't working for others doesn't mean you should also leave? That seems like a stress/decision that at least temporarily could be lifted off your overburdened shoulders, for a short time at least.  :grouphug:

Grr to your husband for not carrying the emotional and practical load. No wonder you are feeling so overwhelmed.

First off, welcome!  Second, thanks for responding.  Third, one thing I left out of my post that you might not be aware of is that my son is autistic. He's 22. That is why getting Social Security started AND getting him work is important. He needs to contribute something. He's attached to our church because people there accept him for who he is, and one reason I don't think changing churches is a good idea is because there is a very real possibility that if we ever go anywhere else, he may NOT be accepted. I also think if that the main reason I'm coming up with to leave is "because other people are", I'm not sure how good a reason that is *to* leave.

That's definitely all very super important and I'm only sorry all of it falls on you. It sounds overwhelming and I am sorry your church friends are leaving. 😪

One reason so much falls on me is because I'm the one available. My husband has a set schedule, even though he works at home, and he's thinking about going back to the office permanently.  (One reason I selfishly want him to is because the room he's using as an office, *I* was using as an office before he took it over I want my office back.  ;) )The reason he *did* need to use that particular room is because he works with confidential information and so he needs to be in a secure place. That part I can understand. Where I work is in our bedroom. We have a big bedroom so I can work in one part of it . . . but I can't work in the bedroom after 8 pm because that's when he goes to bed, because he gets up around 4:30 a.m.

I'm a legal proofreader. I can set my own schedule just as long as I get my work in on time. I have a flexibility my husband does not have. We work pretty well together most of the time. The last year and a half has been very hard on everyone and I'm sure that's part of what I'm feeling.  Throw in autism and health problems, and I have good reasons to be overwhelmed.

Well, some rest and a "yell-fest" at my counselor's office helped today and I am feeling much better. When I talk about my sessions, I jokingly say that "I yelled at her for half an hour and now I feel better." I also did not get anything to proof today so I could rest.

Hi Alliematt,

Just seen that you are back here, and welcome back.  Not seen you around for a while.  It's nice that you got a chance to get some rest yesterday, and that your session with your counselor helped too. 

Hope  :)

 :fallingbricks:

AllieMatt, even when there's logic to why everything falls on you, ouch, it is still a lot. I really hope your son's job works out well and once you show him how to take the bus there you can breathe just a millimeter easier.

Don't know if I picked up a cold or if I got sick from not cleaning out my CPAP, but I'm spending another Saturday in my PJ's and may not be in church tomorrow. I'm sick of being sick. I did ask my husband to bring home some peanut butter M & M's for me. :-)

Some extremely good news that also helps my mental health:

My son started a job yesterday!!!!

He is working as a bag boy at a nearby grocery store.

He's anxious, and I don't blame him because this is major change (he has autism, for those of you who don't know). He is working with a job coach and that will help him.

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

That is really great news, alliematt. I can really relate to how positive this development is to your mental health.

I live with my son, who is mid twenties and on the autistic spectrum. About two months ago, he got a job in a small company that grows food. It has turned out to be a perfect job for him, and he has matured so much.

Wishing you and your son all the best in this new job.

This is great news! Congrats to your son, and you! It'll be a big change and those are hard, too.

I headed off to the doc yesterday because I've been having itching that just will not go away on my left leg. It also looks ugly and discolored.

The doc took one look at my leg and told me I have statis dermatitis.  One symptom is fluid buildup, so he's told me to wear compression stockings.

My first thought was, "Compression stockings? That's what old people wear.  I'm too young for this!"

I'm glad that at least there's something I can do . . . but compression stockings??  Good grief!

Hi Alliematt,
I'm glad that your doc has been able to help you find out what's wrong with your leg, and that there's a treatment for it.  I know you're wondering about the age appropriateness of the compression stockings.  I have worn some of these myself sometimes, and they make some for people to enjoy doing sport, and therefore they're not necessarily just for older people.  I don't know your age.  I'm in my mid fifties, and so I suppose I am older, though I don't feel older yet.  I feel much younger inside.  But I wanted to wish you the best with your compression stockings, and hope they are comfortable - and that your leg gets better soon.
Hope  :)

I'm also in my mid-50's.  I just don't feel like an old woman.  :) I just measured my legs today and discovered that my thigh is larger around than Scarlett O'Hara's waistline in Gone With the Wind!

Today I am dealing with the proofing job from a certain very hot place down under, and I do not mean Australia. I am on page 68 of 166 pages.  It's taken me five and a half hours of work to get there. Whoever transcribed this from the audio did a poor, sloppy job. There were 261 places marked "inaudible", several places where the audio was mistranscribed, and too many places where the stuff didn't get transcribed at all. And a bunch of the inaudibles, I could figure out just fine.  I don't know if the transcriber had a poor sound system, lousy headphones, didn't understand a rural accent, or was just plain lazy.  Needless to say, I am not pleased.  If I'm not done by my usual bedtime, I'm sending an email to my boss and telling her, this will have to come in in the morning, and then I am going to bed.  I refuse to wreck my health over 166 pages of proofreading!

:: very deep breath : Once more into the breach, friends!!

:heythere: :heythere:

Hey Allie, I empathize with you! I'm 51, short and overweight. I literally can't find or afford tall boots that would fit my calves, not even special wide ones. i one bought compression stockings that were supposedly a 4xl and still couldn't get them on, so I gave up on that. It's like society thinks that if you're short, you can't also be wide. It can be so frustrating!

Nice to hear someone else does proofreading! I've done it as just a part of my jobs in the past, but I just put a gig on Fiverr to do it for some extra cash and am liking that. I can imagine how aggravating having to do extra work because of someone's sloppiness must be. I wish you luck with it and you should totally tell your boss! good luck :)

It took five additional hours but I finished the proofing job from Hades. When I turned it in, I noted that there were a lot of inaudibles, dropped words, dropped sentences, and stuff that didn't makes sense. 

I've also told her I'm not taking anything until Monday.  :). (I can set my own hours, which is one think I do like about this job. For those of you not aware, I proofread legal depositions for civil court cases.)

My son had an appointment with the naturopath today, a woman that we've had a long term relationship with, and he told her he just wasn't terribly happy at the job. I sympathize on the one hand. Since my son is autistic, change is difficult for him. And this past year and a half hasn't been easy on anyone at all.

On the other hand, jobs for autistics are not easy to find.

And on still another hand, I want to be unsympathetic and tell him, welcome to the club, kid, where you can't always work where you want to and you can't always do what you want!

He wants to be at home, with his routine, and he wants to be at church. That.Is.It. He had his heart set on working at our church building but there are two things in the way:  one, I'd have to drive him and it's a half hour each way; two, there are no jobs there.  I had talked to our groundskeeper while my son was still in school about him possibly having a job there. But last November, one of our staff people said from the pulpit that we weren't meeting our budget.  It's not fair to ask them to create a job specifically for my son when they aren't meeting the budget.

It hurts to see him unhappy and it makes ME unhappy, too.  And I absolutely don't know how to help him.

After a few comments by my son, I think I know his problem:  He just plain wants his old routine back. He even told me that in so many words a few days ago.  I'm sympathetic, but I also know that curling up in his room with the electronics is NOT an option.  Because he's autistic, routine changes are harder for him.

Yesterday I was working on a LONG proofing job and texted my son he'd need to walk home (job is within walking distance).

His answer, straight from the police shows he loves:  "Copy that. I'm on my way."
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

I have been sick since last Wednesday with a sore throat and am finally on the mend, except for a bit of nausea.

Yesterday I asked my son if he knew if he had to work tomorrow.  When he said no, I told him to go up to his workplace and find out. I also told him to walk (we live within walking distance of his workplace.) He did find out that yes, he did have to work today (he's having to labor on Labor Day.) For those who don't know, he's autistic.

Last night, I was struck by this horrible fear that something bad would happen to my son while walking to and from work. He knows to cross the street at the crosswalk and I believe he's smart enough not to take a ride from a stranger. (I am also able to track him on my cell phone; I do this for safety reasons.) I'm not worried that he will do anything unwise. I'm more concerned about what someone might do to him.

It took me a couple of hours to breathe myself and talk myself and pray myself out of this fear. Even now, writing this, the fear is coming back. Part of my fear is that I can't control so much of what happens; I can only control what I do and give my son tools to cope. And even last night, in the middle of the fear, I was able to talk rationally (this is fear, it will pass). What is sad is that my fear is not necessarily unfounded. The odds are against certain bad things happening to him, but it's unfortunately true that bad things do happen to people.

I'm also totally off schedule, from being ill, with my son working, my husband being off work, and me not going to church yesterday due to being sick. 

I'm not planning on throwing myself off a cliff. My job right now is to breathe and to hopefully catch up on chores that I have missed doing.

Hi Alliematt,
I hope you are continuing to feel better, and recovering from your sore throat.  Hopefully the nausea is going away. 

Your worries for your son are understandable, and I hope he is safe and ok.

Hope  :)

I am finally well.  Unfortunately, last night I dreamt that someone had gotten into the house and I was trying to figure out how to scream without getting hurt. I think that may qualify as a stress dream.

I worked eight hours on proofing yesterday. I told my husband I didn't know what to make for dinner. So he made dinner. I'm afraid the thought crossed my mind, "I'll gag if he's made spaghetti again (which is his go-to for a fast dinner.)"

Guess what he made?

I thanked him, but something must have shown on my face because he told me later he got the impression that I didn't want spaghetti for dinner.   Poor guy. He's trying to help and that's the reaction he gets from his wife. :-(

Last week while dealing with the sore throat, I dealt with another proofing job from Hades (as an example, starting about 40 pages in, the transcriber started labeling every paragraph with Q or A — I work with legal depositions, for those who don't know — *including* attorney's objections, which are neither Q nor A, and the job was nearly 300 pages long.)

I can't get any of my own writing done. I am learning to delegate, but it just seems like everything is a priority.

I tested positive for COVID last night.  I'm guessing I've been ill with it since the beginning of September; I got sick, got better, then relapsed. Finally went to our local drugstore Sunday, got tested, and it came back positive.

I've been told to quarantine for 10 days and family members must be tested also.  My son is semi freaking out because he got the vaccine, so "why do I have to get the test?" (We all got vaccinated.)

At the moment, I am not that sick; I have a mildly upset stomach and I feel congested, but I felt worse last week and felt worse at the beginning of September.  What I'm really irritated by is the phone calls and emails I'm making because I need to change appointments and schedules!  :pissed: :pissed:

But I am also grateful for medical care, and the poor people in the medical field are really having a tough time. I feel slightly depressed, but things for me alwayslook worse when I am sick.

Until I get better, virtual chocolate is always welcomed. :-)

Allieematt,

I'm SO SORRY this happened to you. Statistically you are going to be fine because you're vaccinated. But I'm sure the nerves are still on edge, especially with your son freaking out over this. I don't blame him. I'm vaccinated too, but when I got sick last month I got tested anyway. It came back negative, but for a few days I was feeling pretty uneasy.

We're here for you. I've been in quarantine twice because of close contact with friends who got COVID, so I know how annoying it is to be stuck at home and forced to cancel appointments, or convert what you can to ZOOM meetings. If your quarantine gets boring or lonely, you can chat with us online to pass the time and calm your nerves. Good luck with your son. I hope he tests negative and is able to calmly accept that everything's going to be fine.

Here's some virtual chocolate and I hope you can find someone to bring you real chocolate. 💛🍫

I'm sorry you've been so sick and you have the added stress of explaining why your son still needs to deal with testing despite doing his part and being vaccinated.

I hope you recover soon because it's already been a long time.

My son tested this afternoon and I just told him he wasn't going to work tomorrow. Poor kid. (I may have just guaranteed that his test will be negative because I told him he wasn't going to work.  It's the same principle as, when you bring your umbrella, it doesn't rain; when you don't have it, that's when it rains.)

On the other hand, I don't want to expose him to anyone who's not vaccinated if he's positive.

The people I work for have said they'll send me stuff that's not very long to proofread and I thanked them for working for me. I think it's just going to be the isolation that'll be rough.  I'm drawing on a snarky sense of humor to help me cope!

:heythere: Waving from sickroom.

Well, good news:  I feel well, had my follow up test yesterday, crossing fingers for a negative result.

My husband has tested negative.

My son's follow up is on the 2nd.

I'm able to take longer proofing jobs.

And I still hate COVID.

But it would have been a lot worse if I hadn't been vaccinated!

Hi Alliematt,
I am glad you've had good news, and that you feel well.  Fingers crossed for you, as I know you hope for a negative result. 
Hope  :)

{inserting bad words here} My test results came back. I'm still positive.
I went for a rapid result test, taking my son with me.
My rapid result also came back positive.
Still waiting on son's results.

I am angry and disappointed. I will probably have to cancel an anniversary dinner I was planning; the place we were going to go to has *nonrefundable* tickets.

:pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:

I'm sure I'll get over it but right now, this is how I feel!

I'm so sorry Allie.

I just realized that the emoji I picked was throwing a serious tantrum!   ;D ;D ;D ;D

Some good news:  Friday I put a call in to the doc after my positive COVID result.

Doc's office called back and said that since I'd been in quarantine and I was pretty much symptom free, I could get OUT of quarantine!!!

After I hung up, I went into the bedroom and did the Snoopy dance!

Now I'm suffering the aftereffects of a month being sick/not sick/sick again.  I feel totally discombobulated. I've rescheduled one doc's appointment, have to reschedule another, need to call the dentist about a CT scan I had done, and need to call Social Security about my son's application. Dinner must be cooked tonight. And I'm sure I'm going to get work to do this week. I also do not have the car so I sent my son to work on foot and if it rains, he'll need to contact Uber or Lyft.

This is not an "I'm depressed and overwhelmed post" as much as it is, "I'm trying to get back on track after a difficult month and I do feel somewhat overwhelmed." Someone on social media suggested adding the phrase 'in the middle of a deadly pandemic" to everything you're trying to do. That helps put things (especially feelings of being overwhelmed) into perspective!

Hi Alliematt,
Glad you had some good news. 
Hope  :)

Hoorah for being released from quarantine :cheer:!!!

I participated in a FB thread this morning where one of the people talked about how she and others had been pretty much told that they weren't welcome at their church anymore if they disagreed with the direction the congregation was going.

I know that person, and it's my church she's talking about.

I also know our preacher and his wife reasonably well, and I wrote a long email to both of them. saying what I'd read, and I bluntly asked the question:  have people been told that they aren't welcome at my church if they disagree with the way the church is going?

I havent' gotten an answer yet; I don't except one immediately because I know they're up to their eyeballs in stuff.

Part of me is wondering, did I do the wrong thing, did I come off as offensive .  . . and while one can argue about part A of that question, Part B? I don't think I was. We've had a lot of people leave in the last year for various reasons, and it breaks my heart because so many of them all seem to be heading for one particular church.  I think there is a disagreement with our leadership by some of the people who've left; and I understand if people want to leave and go somewhere else.  But if people have been told that they're no longer welcome if they disagree, that's scary to me. And I said that in the email. That just does not sound like the people in leadership that I am familiar with.  I can picture them saying, "If you don't think you can worship here anymore, I pray God's blessings on you as you find somewhere else to worship."  I can't picture them saying, "You're no longer welcome if you don't go along with the program."

It breaks my heart when I hear stories like this.

I told them both that I knew they carried a load, and I appreciated it.

My preacher wrote me back a very nice email. Which I appreciated.

I'm glad that you received a reply.

This morning I read the term "allostatic load" and I think I may have it. Apparently it's the term for when one thing piles onto another onto another onto another . . .

We've all had it since March 2020, I think.

Let's see . . . Maybe this is me drowning and wallowing in self-pity.  But I can name:

• Being bullied from first to twelfth grade
• Spiritual abuse in college
• A couple of bad roommate situations along with developing health problems AND a brief bad job situation
• Chronic health concerns
• Dad got ALS and died four weeks before my wedding
  
• Bad church situation at the same time that lasted for five and a half years
• Moving, husband having a hard time finding job
• Infertility problems
• Husband losing job during pregnancy
  
• Unexpected but necessary C-section
• Child diagnosed with autism
• Tried and failed to finish school
• Debt
• Church problems AGAIN with people leaving
• COVID
• Racial and political strife
• NO TIME TO WRITE FICTION!

And today, I'm at page 143 of a 328 page job due by 3 p.m.

Sheesh, no wonder I'm overwhelmed. Maybe all of that proves a diagnosis of C-PTSD.

I'm sure I'll feel better once I get this job done.

:fallingbricks:

I had what I call a "sluggish depression" yesterday, where I didn't feel like doing anything. So I didn't. Except for a proofing job; I did a little bit over half of that and will finish that today. I'm guessing that the events of the world are taking their toll on me, as they are on everyone.

Today I will finish my job, I might be able to take another one . . .and then I am taking Thanksgiving off.  Happy Thanksgiving for those of you who are celebrating. (I'm in the USA.)

The events of the world feel harder to take this week.

Agreed.  To me the world feels like a rat cage that has gotten too populated and we're starting to eat each other alive. After Friday's news, I've been forced to shut off the news again, and stop looking at Facebook again. The second I see the violence my heart starts to burn. It hurts too much for me to feel that way. Instead, I'm spending more time praying in silence for inner peace, practicing Mindfulness Meditations, and focusing on wherever I can find love. I'm no longer a religious person, but I believe now, more than ever, that our inter-connection goes beyond biology. Somehow we're all connected through some kind of greater consciousness. Somehow, I truly do believe, that if more of us focus on the good, and pray for peace at our own level, that somehow we can spread that peace beyond ourselves.

I have a story: In the middle 1990s I got the chance to meet Dr. Wayne Dyer in person. I didn't really know who he was, but he was giving a talk in town, and I had some time to kill, so I went to see him. I got the chance to talk with him before his presentation. When he shook my hand I felt the weirdest, most amazing sensation of unmatched peace I've ever felt--before or since. It started at my hand and as I held onto him and talked, I felt that peace moving up my arm. By the time I let go of him my entire right arm was nearly numb with calm, warm, peaceful sensation. I naively wondered if he knew that he gave off so much peace. 

When he took the stage he talked about how much time he spends praying for (meditating on) pure peace. Then he told a story of driving through his hometown of Florida and coming across a gang fight that was just about to begin. He stopped his car, walked into the middle of the group and just stood there meditating on pure peace. He said both gangs slowly put down their weapons and eventually walked away.  I wasn't sure I believed his story, but after experiencing so many inexplicable connections since, I've come to believe he was telling the truth. Peace, when it's really, truly experienced, is more powerful than violence. I don't plan to ever walk into a gang fight, (LOL), but I truly believe that if thousands of us meditate on peace for even a few minutes a day, that somehow it will effect the world around us in a positive way.  But you know what? Even if I'm crazy, and totally wrong, only good will come to me by meditating on (or praying for, or whatever we choose to call it) on peace. At least I'll get some personal benefit, and perhaps if I can reach a peaceful demeanor it will spread to the people I'm close to. Until I feel strong enough, I'm OFF LINE with the world news. I simply can't survive the hate and fear and injustice and gunslinging and bullying that we're witnessing in the world right  now.

Papa Coco, you have to practice self-care and it sounds like you are doing the right things for yourself.

I'm about to get to work on another proofreading job and I'm asking myself, what's wrong with me that I don't feel like doing this? It occurs to me that there's nothing so much "wrong" with me as there is, I'm feeling the effects of so much that has happened; not just in my own life but especially in the last year and a half; I also deal with my son's issues (for those of you who don't know, he's autistic) and that makes it harder.

I'm not in the, "I'm depressed and angry and want to jump off a cliff" stage. I'm in the, "I don't like what's going on and want to escape but I can't," stage. 

(CN: Race, violence)
We have a very racially charged trial in my state that just went to jury deliberations. I'm concerned about the outcome. If it goes a particular way, there are places I plan to stay away from because of the possibility of violence.)

(Just a note:  The racially charged trial verdict did NOT result in violence, for which I am thankful.)

I have a call in to Social Security regarding my son.  I'm trying to apply for SSI for him and I don't even know if I'm going about it the right way.  In fact, when I left my message, I pressed "pound" and got several other options of "what to do" that make me wonder if my message even got left! Whenever I leave a voice mail, I don't want to just "hang up" unless the recording says I can.

I should not be having to do this. My son should be driving, dating, holding a job, earning a living . . . and I have to make sure that's he's provided for because he' can't provide for himself. And it's exhausting to explain to him why he needs to work, why he needs to budget, why he needs to do this, that, and the other thing . . .

I've been feeling depressed for the last couple of days. I'm regularly testing my blood sugar and it's high to high normal; the idea of figuring out how and what to eat is also overwhelming to me. And I can't even get time to exercise, which would help my sugar. Night before last, I had planned to get up at 5 a.m. Ended up getting up at 7 a.m. And felt guilty.

My husband got a bonus. It went to pay debt. I'm glad the debt's going down, but why couldn't we have used the extra money to do something nice for ourselves?

We've lost people at our church and our giving's dropped by 21%. Several people who've left were big givers. I'm very angry at the political/social climate that people in general exploit to cause division, even in the church.

My husband wants me to delegate stuff to him, but if I do (other than laundry, dishes, and much of the cooking), he ends up asking me so many questions about "how do I do this?" that it's easier to end up doing it myself!

I was dreaming weirdly last night: dreamt that I needed to take one more class in order to graduate (a commonly recurring motif), tried to arrange housing for only a month because for some weird reason, the class only lasted a month), found out I couldn't, needed to go back home. . . . all of this weird stuff that I'm sure is my brain trying to work things out at night!

I have a suspicion that part of my mood yesterday was due to the fact that I did not have my estrogen patch on! 

Today is somewhat better since I've fixed that.

Back down in the depression cycle, and I think it's just because I want my pre-COVID life back. My son seemed happier and while we were upset about politics, it hadn't gotten quite to the level that it has now. People are so angry at each other, and I don't see anything getting better.

 :hug:

It's painful to watch.

And I'm very sorry your son is not as happy. That's hard as a mom.

My son doesn't want to work. That's his main thing. He'd rather stay home and play with the electronics, and that's not an option. He's capable of working and he is going to work. I Sound like a mean mom but sometimes I feel like a mean mom.


I'm just plain overwhelmed, as per usual.   I deliberately didn't take any work yesterday or today and will probably take only one job for Christmas. I have praise team rehearsal tonight for our Christmas Eve service.

And shall I give you the list of physical things I have to deal with? Chronically painful bladder, upper back pain (mostly from the computer), sleep apnea, possible adrenal fatigue, and now lower-leg dermatitis which may be due to poor circulation. My left leg looked bad but my right leg was okay . . . and now my right leg is starting to look as bad as my left leg. I'm supposed to be wearing support hose, and I don't know if they're not allowing my legs to breathe or not. The bladder problem I've had for 30 years. There's no cure.

We have debt (I just balanced the books up to today). I have been playing telephone tag with social security trying to get questions answered about my son's SSI application. We've lost church members, and that's our second family.  That hurts. And there are places in politics my husband and I don't agree on, and I don't talk about it much because I can't debate well. Same with my BFF and religion. There are subjects I just won't discuss because I know we don't agree and she's a better debater. (I'm supposed to be "into the Bible" but trying to actually study it like a scholar has left me exhausted over the past couple of years.) I can't read or listen to everything everyone wants me to read/listen to. I would like to run away from home but that is just not an option.

Hi Alliematt,
Hope you're ok, you've got a lot going on at the moment, and I wanted to wish you well.  I'm sorry to hear about your physical pains, and I hope that you're able to get some relief from them.  It must be really hard to cope with all of that.   :hug:

I don't think you sound like a mean mom, you sound like a concerned and caring mom to your son. 

Hope  :)

I'll just make it short: I have "everything fatigue".  :fallingbricks:

Woke up in a bad mood and I'm still not sure why. Didn't feel like cooking so asked after church to get dinner out. Afraid I can't afford it. I think I may still be dealing with "everything fatigue":  COVID, debt, current events, health problems, son's autism, mental health problems. Why can't I get past all of this?

I'm suspecting that I may not have changed my estrogen patch on Saturday evening.  I don't *know* if I did or didn't, and I don't want to put too much estrogen in my system. My scheduled days for using the estrogen cream and patch are Saturdays and Tuesdays. If I can hold on until Tuesday (and I'm sure I can) I can use cream and patch and I'll see how that affects me.  This is one reason I'm reluctant to get off of hormones; I am not a pretty sight when I'm off them.

Everything fatigue is definitely real and overwhelming. Especially with all you have on your plate. I hope you can find a way to get some time for yourself so it isn't all quite as overwhelming.

Hi Alliematt,
I agree with Armee, 'everything fatigue' is really tough, definitely real and overwhelming, and I also hope you are able to find a way to get through all of it. 
Hope  :)

I am recovering from a cold. I think the big temperature swing we had where I live over the weekend hit me hard. Today I feel better,probably thanks to Nyquil, but I still feel so much on my plate. I updated my file called "the plate" (as in "too much on my . . .") and it's up to three pages. I have eight major headings and several things under each heading (think outline). Right now, all I want to do is sit on the couch and watch TV and eat chocolate.

There are two things my mother said to me that I can't get out of my head.

One was where I *seriously* violated the page limit on a term paper I wrote (the teacher gave me a decent grade anyway) and when I said to my parents that I didn't think the page limit worked for the topic I picked, we started getting into a discussion that turned heated, and at one point my mother said, 'You go on and on!"

The other is when I'd had a very bad week at school, part of it involved my parents pulling me off the bus after getting bullied. I can't remember what I was I said or did, but my mother took me into the dining room, turned off the TV, and started the lecture with, "Everyone makes mistakes!" She went on and at one point she said something about me not being crazy (again, I cannot remember the exact context or if that was the word she used). It took all my courage to say, "That's what I'm afraid of," (me being or going crazy), and she yelled back, "That's all I ever hear from you! I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid!"

I can't get those out of my head. Regarding the last one, yeah, I WAS afraid! There was a lot to be afraid of at that period in time; especially after dealing with school bullies for 12 years! This was also when the OCD had started, and I told no one that I was thinking swear words and other pretty disgusting thoughts. My mother's main method of discipline was yelling and lecturing, and it really didn't help me at all.  I wish she'd given my sister and me some concrete consequences.

I think that's one reason my son tries my patience at times; I do NOT want to yell or lecture him like my mother did me; and it takes a lot of mental energy to figure out how to explain to him things he needs to know or how to respond to him when he says something to me that I don't quite understand.

It sounds awful to say that my mother was a critical beast. More and more, I'm wondering how much of her behavior had to do with me and how much did it have to do with other things going on in her life.

Last Monday I did something that was very surprising to me.

I spoke at a press conference.

Before any of you get excited, no, this was not on the national news or even on the local news; it might have been on our PBS channel's daily wrap up of the legislative session. There was a mention about the conference in some of the local papers (not our major papers, more of the small regional types.)

I was encouraged to attend by a fellow special needs parent. He has an adult son with a severe brain injury. He organized the conference along with one of our state senators. In my state, we have a LONG waiting list of people who need services and very few people who get the funding for them yearly. The state senator has a bill with a plan to fund the waiting list over the next five years. 

So I went on Monday. I took our public transport system downtown to the Capitol. What was cool was that five other members of my church showed up: two elders and three staff members; one of whom is our pastor. The person who organized the press conference spoke, his wife spoke, one disabled person spoke, the state senator spoke, my pastor spoke (and by the time he got done, I hope the toes of some lawmakers were hurting because he stepped on them.)

I toyed with the idea, "Do I say something? Yes? No?"

And then I finally asked, "May I?" walked up to the mike, and told the people gathered there about my son.I said he worked, and that there were many people with disabilities who could and did and wanted to work, they pay taxes, what better way to invest in the system? I also pointed out, that still doesn't answer the question, what happens when my husband and I aren't able to care for our son anymore?

About three caregivers spoke up after I did.

Sunday, in Sunday School class, our pastor talked about that press conference . . . and pointed out what I did. I had *no idea* he was going to mention that. He had said to me after that conference, "I am so proud of you!"

I think I can be proud of me too. I also think so many other people deserve credit, especially the people that organized the conference to begin with.

Here's the funny:  I smugly told my pastor that I took public transport downtown.

On the way back, I forgot to switch trains and didn't realized it for about two-three stops!

So I backtracked and got to where I needed to go.

Dinner that night was takeout food.  :)

Congrats! That was very brave of you and you spoke out on such an important thing. Sounds like you inspired some others to speak up as well.  I hope his bill passes for the funding. It sounds like it would help a lot of people. :)

Hi Allie,
I also think you were very brave to do that, and am glad it went well.
Hope  :)

Having a period of time where I want to take my husband and son and either hide out in an RV or on some sort of compound where we can be hermits. I'm probably letting current events get to me again. I was also sick with a cold last week and I don't know if it's lingering or if my head is too much into social media.

Today I just want out. I've gained weight, I feel ashamed of my body,, I can't push myself to go to the gym, and I'm suffering from a bad case of overwhelm. When I say, "I want out," I mean something like running away from home, moving someplace else, travel in the RV . . . My logical brain tells me that that won't solve any problems. But right now, I just dont' want to listen to my logical brain.

Sleeping too much, sitting around too much, today feel sad and maybe I need a good cry. Too alone. Can't even bring myself to fold laundry.

I hear how heavy life is for you right now. I'm sorry it's so hard.

I know this is a month old, but I'm catching up on reading journals. I am proud of you for taking public transportation (and figuring out what to do when you missed your stop) and for speaking at the press conference. Yea for you!

Quote from: Not Alone on April 05, 2022, 01:05:19 PM
I hear how heavy life is for you right now. I'm sorry it's so hard.

I know this is a month old, but I'm catching up on reading journals. I am proud of you for taking public transportation (and figuring out what to do when you missed your stop) and for speaking at the press conference. Yea for you!

You are welcome.

Last week I did some venting on Facebook.

I found out, between them and the ladies in my Bible study class, that I have a lot of boosters.

That helps.  That is something good I can share.

That's wonderful Allie!

I chimed in this morning on a social media thread about bullying, saying that I was told 1) ignore bullies, and 2) you will be the one punished if you fight back.

A response I got was, I never had a bully continue to bully me after I stood up to them, and I never cared if I got in trouble, either. Better than living in fear.

When I mentioned that I was six years old when that happened, and that was how the little girl in me reacted, I was told, My earliest memory of standing up was age six.

I was also told, you don't get handed courage. You find it.

I have not responded, but you know what I want to say to that person?  Good for you! I'm glad you found your courage and stood up to your bullies? But guess what? Not everyone can say that. I feel slapped in the face because I DID live in fear. It carried over to college and made me a target for a cult. It's only been in the last few years that I've been able to say, people like me and I am likeable.

No one bullies me anymore and I'm grateful for that. That doesn't mean the wounds aren't still there, and I resent the implication that I could have done something about it if I'd just "found courage" and stood up to my bullies. That's very hard to do when it's not just one bully, it's a group of bullies. And what do you do when it's multiple types of bullying?  Not just being shoved down or having your stuff stolen and hidden from you (once I had my shoes stolen and put in a garbage can), but it's also the embarrassing questions that no matter what you say, you're going to lose either way.

It's also being asked, what are you studying in your quiet times (a period of prayer and Bible study)? And if you aren't, you get asked why. It's also being asked, how many people did you invite to church/Bible study/events? Who are you studying the Bible with? How many people have you converted? If not, why haven't you? Maybe your conversion wasn't valid if you're not doing all that stuff. And by the way, you're supposed to do it all because you love God, not because I tell you to; but if you don't do it, I will make sure you feel guilty about it so that next time I ask you, you'll say, yes, I did this stuff . . . and then I get to make you feel even more guilty when I ask you, are you doing it for God or are you doing it for me? Because if you're not doing it for God, you're not doing it for the right reason and it's not going to count. 

:pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:

Hi alliematt
I would really resent that implication too. The guilt thrown at you about church/God really resonates too.
I thought it was normal to turn the other cheek... if not normal, at least it was "right".
Anyway.. I just wanted to thank you for sharing. I think that is very courageous :)
hope you find some peace and joy today

I'm a little late to weigh in here, but I feel angry for you, Allie. No one should suggest that it's your own fault for not fighting back when being bullied! Blaming the victim is so inappropriate any time, but especially when the victim is a small child. I suspect that they have no idea what bullying really is, how it hurts down to the depth of your soul and makes you feel too undeserving to fight back. Anyone who says otherwise doesn't deserve to hear your important story. I am so sorry. Keep telling us about it because it helps so much, for me at least, to know that I was not the only one to be bullied as a small child by people who should have known better and been kinder to us.

Quote from: Chaos rains on April 16, 2022, 11:18:01 PM
I'm a little late to weigh in here, but I feel angry for you, Allie. No one should suggest that it's your own fault for not fighting back when being bullied! Blaming the victim is so inappropriate any time, but especially when the victim is a small child. I suspect that they have no idea what bullying really is, how it hurts down to the depth of your soul and makes you feel too undeserving to fight back. Anyone who says otherwise doesn't deserve to hear your important story. I am so sorry. Keep telling us about it because it helps so much, for me at least, to know that I was not the only one to be bullied as a small child by people who should have known better and been kinder to us.

It's never "too late" to weigh in!  :thumbup: :thumbup:

❤️

I just want to say that I am really new to this website and happy to find this active journal. I'm hoping to find something of a community with people like me--something I'm just starting to learn about an understand. Thank you so so much for sharing your experience.

My morale feels like it's been sucked into a sinkhole, especially for the last two years. Yesterday I saw the urologist for a condition there's no cure for; I have to soon do my labs for an endocrinologist visit (where I will be reminded I need to walk every day, which I can't seem to find the time for!); I still deal with my son's autism day in, day out; my husband and I don't always agree on politics, and I'm having a very hard time figuring out who I can trust anymore. People lie or twist the truth just enough to make it believable. And I'm exhausted from trying to figure stuff out.

Hi Alliematt,
Feeling like you're being sucked into a sinkhole regarding your morale, and reading all the things you're dealing with, it's such a lot to deal/cope with.  I'm sorry that you're having those experiences with people, and finding them hard to trust.  I agree it's hard to know what people's intentions are, but I hope that you will come across some more trustworthy people. 

:hug:
Hope  :)

There's got to be something I can change. I've skimmed over my journal entries here and they keep sounding the same theme:  I'm exhausted and depressed. I overslept this morning. We just paid a big Federal tax bill and it's going to take a while to make it up (just in time to pay home insurance and property taxes!) 

There is a lot on your shoulders. I had a lot on my shoulders. I eventually broke down which was kinda the best possible thing for me because it wasn't going to let go of anything on my own. I wonder if there's something you can let go of before you hit the full breakdown stage?

Quote from: Armee on May 10, 2022, 04:50:32 AM
There is a lot on your shoulders. I had a lot on my shoulders. I eventually broke down which was kinda the best possible thing for me because it wasn't going to let go of anything on my own. I wonder if there's something you can let go of before you hit the full breakdown stage?

That is a good question and I don't know what the answer is. I don't know what I can let go. Saturday I did my chore list with "a lick and a promise" because I just wasn't up to doing more. My husband was also sick over the weekend (he's back to work today.)

(content warning for violence below)

I'm in shock from the weekend's violence. I don't live in any of the places that were affected but I have seen the news alerts. One of the places affected was a CHURCH. And it's not the first time a church has been affected. I have gone to my own church and wondered, what would I do if someone came here and started shooting? My son works in a supermarket. How do I talk to him about being safe without scaring the poor kid to death?  (I think my reaction to what happened over the weekend is definitely normal; what I'm worried about is that there have been so many violent events in the last few years that I've gone numb, and I don't like it.)

I also had a bad night's sleep with very weird, vivid dreams. I'm still recovering.

Hi Alliematt,
I hope that you have been able to have some better sleep - I know you had a very bad night, with the recent events. 
Hope

On Tuesday (before certain events happened), I got very, very angry over, of all things, the guidelines from the American Urological Association.

I have a bladder disorder known as interstitial cystitis, aka painful bladder syndrome. I have had a damaged bladder lining since 1991. Tuesday, new guidelines came out for the treatment of IC. One thing they did was group patients into three distinctive categories:  pain mostly in bladder, pain involving the pelvic floor, and overlapping pain disorders, such as IC sufferers having fibromyalgia, TMJ, IBS, vulvodynia, and other pain disorders. In these cases, anxiety and depression can also be present, and they feel like they are in a constant state of fight or flight, which can point to an overactive central nervous system.

I not only have IC.  I have TMJ, suspect I have fibro, and I definitely have anxiety and depression, along with OCD.  That description fit me to a T. (When I told my BFF about the guidelines, she wanted to know, did number three have your picture next to it?)

And I thought about everything that fed into me having that overactive central nervous system . . . and I got angry. I got very, very angry.

So what did I do?

Well, Tuesday we had a primary day, and I live within walking distance of my polling place. So I walked, and on the way, I had an angry conversation with God. ("Angry Conversations with God" sounds like a good book title.)  I told him I was angry. And I realized that I need to process that anger and it is not going to happen overnight. I do believe that angry conversations with God help, but therapy also helps.

And I spoke to my best friend, who was proud of me for not wallowing in my anger. For me, telling God and my BFF I was angry was good; I was not blaming either of them or screaming at my BFF. (I believe God can take my screaming at him.)

Yesterday I had a urologist appointment and told him how I fit guideline #3 (minus the anger at my past.) One thing he did was inject some heparin into my bladder (yes, it's uncomfortable) and that dropped my pain level from an 8 that day to about a 4 or 5. There are certain foods and drinks that irritate my bladder, and trying to stay away from all of them is just plain irritating, pun intended! I even got to see the inside of my bladder (I'm one of those weird people that enjoy seeing what's going on inside the body) and not only did portions of it look nice and red, I was even told I have what's called a Hunner's ulcer. Yes, the bladder can get ulcers, too. 

I have also made an appointment with a pelvic floor therapist. That may help the bladder as well.

Yeah, I'm still angry about ways I was was treated and experiences I've had. I'm not at the point of jumping off a cliff, and I know that yelling at people is not healthy for either me or the people I yell at. My anger isn't going to be processed totally overnight. And then, with certain current events going on, my "flight" has been activated because I just want to get out of here, out of where I live. My left brain is logically tellling me all the reasons why I shouldn't do that and what steps we'd have to take . . . and my right brain is screaming back, "I don't care! 

Sometimes I feel like we're fast running out of safe places, and I'll bet I'm not the only one who feels like that!

What in the [bad word} is wrong with me today? I didn't sleep well last night, went back to bed this morning, and woke up to find I MISSED A DENTAL APPOINTMENT . . . and now I am totally beating myself up for it, because I feel like I deserve to be punished, even though I just made a mistake. I didn't deliberately make an appointment planning to miss it. So then, why do I feel like I need to be beaten up, screamed at, or otherwise punished somehow?

I called, apologized, and while I'm on their list to be scheduled if there's a cancellation, I may just call back and just plain reschedule (they're booked out until around September).

Last night I had trouble getting to sleep. I woke up around 2:30 a.m. to go to the bathroom and then I had trouble getting back to sleep. And at about 15 after 12 p.m. my time, I'm still feeling tired. And I have to get work done today.

I need a head-bang emoji.

: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:

hi alliematt
Thanks for sharing about the lack of safe places.. I don't think you're alone there either
I understand how difficult it can be without good sleep.
I hope you get good rest tonight ... please don't be too hard on yourself for missing that appointment. I've missed at least 5 of my last 10 dentist appointments .. just by forgetting lol.
Hopefully they can get you in before september

Hi Alliematt,
I hope you can get a new dental appointment soon.  I hope you maybe got some better sleep since you wrote about your difficulty sleeping.  I'm sure they will get many people who miss appointments, we're all humans, and it does happen.  Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok  :hug:

Hope  :)

I'm still in my pj pants and have been doing nothing but scrolling and playing on my various electronic devices, even though I need to get dressed and there's work to be done. What in the (bad word) is wrong with me?  Part of it is that I haven't slept well; I finally got some semi-decent sleep with the help of melatonin.

My son needs a doc's appointment for a toe with a fungal infection; I am seeing three professionals this week; my blood pressure and blood sugar are too high, and there are  just too many things going on in the world. I would rather curl up under the covers.

Curling up under the covers sounds so much better!

I was on prednisone last week and I'm sure that contributed to my lack of sleep and nasty mood. (My urologist put me on it hoping to help my bladder pain.) This week I was sick with a virus and I finally recovered today. And this morning I got to fill out two questionnaires for my psychiatry appointment next week. My anxiety score is up and my depression score is up. I am not surprised. Between prednisone and current events, they've wreaked havoc on me.

Hi allie,

I've just started reading your journal and haven't got all the way caught up. Living with chronic pain and health issues is really tough and I'm sorry you're having to go through that. It always feels like you're in a deficit against everyone else.

I've been dealing with some health stuff over the past few years and finally got to the bottom of it and found my issue is mold and mycotoxins, and that my body can't excrete them properly. Around 25% of people have this. I've been reading Toxic by Neil Nathan and they mention bladder issues quite a bit as some of the symptoms, which I also have. Anyways, I just thought I'd mention it as OCD is also a symptom and no doctor really knows about this stuff or that it could be a root cause for a lot of issues.

Hope things get a bit easier for you.
dolly

I feel so totally defeated today. I actually started asking the question on social media, would it be worth it to even think about moving to Canada?

The answer I'm getting is along the lines of, your ages and your son's disability will work against you.

When I leaned one way politically, the other side seemed to be winning all the time. Now that I'm leaning the other way politically, again, the other side seems to be winning all the time. It reminds me of my school days. The bullies won the day they drove me off the school bus in the 12th grade. I'm nearly 60 and I still remember that.

And there's always health issues, political issues, religious issues, dealing-with-my-son issues, and just day to day living. I'm putting off my last proofing job until I get back from a physical therapy appointment (I'm getting work done on my pelvic floor muscles.) My son has an appointment next month for a psychological assessment to see if he qualifies for SSI. (I have been told it's common for an application to be denied on the first round.) Son is capable of working and has a job, but he does not want to work because he'd rather stay home and watch his shows. That is not an option as far as his father and I are concerned.

Just too much.

:fallingbricks:

Hi Allie,
I just wanted to wish you the best for your physical therapy appointment and hope that it goes ok. 

Hope  :)

The PT is going OK.

But I had bloodwork done Monday, results came back today . . . they are in Type 2 diabetes territory and I feel so ashamed of myself. It's a disease of lifestyle and I eat too much wrong and exercise too little.

I did make an appointment before I left the doc's with their diabetes specialists that come in on Tuesdays. I think I will see them in mid-August. (I made the appointment before the bloodwork came back and I guess it's a good thing I did.)

:fallingbricks:

 :hug: :hug: Alliematt. It may be a disease of lifestyle but eating disorders are a pretty common comorbidity with cptsd. Of course it's good to try for healthier eating and more exercise but that may be something your particular brand of cptsd is making really difficult for you. Recently I had a breakthrough of healthier eating along with a reduction in my anxiety around even basic cooking which in turn releases energy and helps me to eat more healthily, and this all seemed to come out of nowhere! It certainly did not come from me telling myself I should do better or from me feeling ashamed. No, it was more like something else healed within the cptsd conglomeration and - hey presto - no urge to eat sugary or fatty foods. At least for a week anyway...

Well, after wallowing in shame for a couple of days, I kept testing my blood sugar and it is not as scary as it was a few days ago. Now I'm contemplating writing an eulogy for my addiction to Reese's Minis and peanut butter M&M's.  ;D ;D

We had dinner guests last night and the wife brought some keto-friendly chocolate cookies because she knew they wouldn't mess with my blood sugar. I thought that was very considerate of her!

I deliberately did not take any work this week because this was my schedule:

1. Monday, I finished copy editing work for a friend who paid me for it.
2. Tuesday, I had a meds consult with my GYN and then my counseling session.
3. Wednesday my son had a psychological evaluation as part of his application for SSI.
4. I need to get dressed for a chiropractic appointment and then later, take my son to the naturopath.
5. Tomorrow I have PT for my pelvic floor.
6. And Saturday, I have a pancake breakfast at church.

I had a politically based discussion with my husband the other night, and I'm now sorry I did. Right now we're not on the same page politically and it's painful for me. My husband is not critical of me, but sometimes I really do think he thinks he knows it all and no one can tell him anything. (This is a fault he is aware of.)

This is an "It's too much" week. I can give myself credit for not working because there is no way I could fit work into this schedule!

Hi Alliematt,
Wow, you had a big schedule, and I think it's great that you put a limit on taking on anymore. 
Hope  :)

I survived that big schedule; now have a "smaller schedule" (only three doc's appointments this week and I''ve had one already." But I made the mistake of opening up a political discussion with my husband that didn't go well and I'm just not happy. It seems like people lie all the time (I'm not accusing my husband of lying; I can trust him) and it just seems impossible to figure out who lies and who tells the truth. I just don't see things getting any better. And now I have to organize my food around Type 2 Diabetes (I just got put on Metformin and I think it's helping), I made an appointment to see about dermatitis on my leg which is NOT getting any better, and I'm afraid the doc will tell me there's nothing he can do for me. I'm so tired of doctors, illnesses, politics, strife . . . I also took my son for an assessment for SSI and have no idea when or if that will be approved; I think he thinks that once he gets Social Security, he won't have to work anymore . . . and he is perfectly capable of working. I'm so tired of autism. I'm so tired of not being normal. I've had days where I've wanted to know, "WHY did people pick on me? What did I do that was so horrible that people picked on me?" Even a little girl that was part of a family that lived next door to my great-aunt; I was visiting her and we ended up playing together; her and her siblings . . . and suddenly, she decided to start pushing me down the hill in their yard.  What did I do? I don't know. Was I weird? Why did they do this to me?

It is impossible to know anymore what truth is. Everyone believes they're right and can prove it. And I don't debate well, especially with my husband on history and politics, and he can come off like he knows it all. With the Bible, I feel like I have to know all the Biblical languages fluently and have a thorough knowledge of Biblical culture before I can say what it "really" means.

I keep complaining that I am overwhelmed and exhausted. I don't know what can be taken off my plate. Autism, debt, politics, current events, illness, keeping up a house, questions about God.
:fallingbricks:

My son made me laugh this morning. That brought me out of my funk.
But to make a very long story short, after an ENT appointment, shopping, and nearly two hours on the phone trying to get my son's new iPhone set up . . . I'm pooped!!

:stars: :stars: :stars:

Anybody would be pooped after all that!!!

Hi Alliematt,
Nice that your son made you laugh. 

I agree, anyone would be pooped after doing all those things.

:hug:

Hope  :)

I've been having physical therapy to strengthen my pelvic floor muscles (I am hoping this will also help my bladder pain.)

I THOUGHT physical therapy was supposed to be helpful.

Well, last week, as I was getting off the table so I could flip over on my stomach, my left ankle rolled over, and I fell and banged my knee against another table in the room.

I can put my weight on my foot so I think I strained it as opposed to a sprain. But there's some nice black and blue marks around my heel and I have a pain level at about a 2 on a scale of 10. I also can't move as fast as I want to.

I've been resting and putting ice on it, and I actually have a PT appointment today so I can tell them how the ankle's doing.

I am very thankful that damage was not worse!

I'll put some good news on here for a change:  One of the men from church took my son to see Wheel of Fortune LIVE in my hometown last night!

He enjoyed himself and said when he got home, I didn't give away any of the answers. The man he went with said, "He was better than some of the other people!"

Maybe you guys are the only people who will understand this:  Last night I had praise team rehearsal and on the way there, I realized that the problems I have names for:  Hubert (OCD), Elmer (depression), Agnes (anxiety), and Bertha (the inner critic) could all fit into my car when I drive alone.  Three in the back, one in the front.

So I just told them that if they were along for the ride, they could all go and fight each other. I was going to go sing. :-) (Bertha has an advantage with the rolling pin — I envision my inner critic in a shapeless house dress walking around smacking a rolling pin in her hand. I have imagined facing off with her using a baseball bat as a weapon.  ;D  ;D ;D)

Hi Alliematt,
I hope that you enjoyed the evening, and that you were able to sing during that praise team rehearsal. 
Hope  :)

Thank you, Hope. Yes, I was able to sing during that rehearsal and also during Sunday service.

I had a vein procedure today and I'm sitting on the couch with my legs wrapped up. I have a bad case of dermatitis and I hope this will help.

Then, I checked my email and discovered that I screwed up majorly on a deposition I turned in. And this was after I asked how to do this particular one (two people were being deposed at the same time and there's a specific way to denote who is speaking. And this is the first time I've ever done a deposition doing two people at the same time.)

Whenever I screw up like this, I'm afraid of getting fired. And this is a job I NEED in order to pay back debt. My BFF has tried to reassure me, that I usually do good work (and I usually do). But it's just the absolute fear that gets me, that the worst thing that can happen is, I have this perfect job and then I'm going to screw up and get fired and I won't find anything else where I can be flexible with my hours and my workload!

Allie,

I'm no stranger to being terrified when I made a mistake at work. I hope that your fears are just your trauma working itself out, and that your job is not in danger.

Being afraid of making a mistake is the story of my entire life. It's definitely a trauma thing. Everyone else makes mistakes, why can't I?

Well, in reality, I AM allowed to make mistakes. I just can't get my trauma brain to relax and believe that. It's trauma that nags at my confidence and makes me believe I'm not allowed to make mistakes like everyone else does.

I hope this all blows over for you so you can rest easy again soon.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I know how miserable and frightening it is to worry about things like this. May it blow over soon.

Thanks. It doesn't help when I'm ALSO recovering from outpatient surgery!

(You should have heard me on the way home. I was reciting facts to make sure I was still in touch with reality! I hit the bed as soon as I was home.)

Well, I have been reprieved. My boss just asked me to redo the assignment I messed up on. I said, gladly!!

I had procedure #2 on Friday the 7th. I have a follow up appointment on the 27th. I'm not holding my breath that my dermatitis can be cured but maybe this will help some.

In the meantime, we've dealt with a mouse in the house; killed it with a mousetrap only to discover that there might be another one; we have property taxes to pay, a car to service, a credit card to pay off (and I'm sorely tempted to add . . . "And Gilder to frame for it. I'm swamped!)

Hi Allie,
I hope that it will help.  Fingers crossed.
Hope  :)

Good news:  Vein procedure has helped. Not cured, but helped. I did not expect a cure and I was not promised one. Doc says my legs don't look as red as they did, although they are still red.  There are also no signs of blood clots. The veins that were worked on were the "bilateral great saphenous veins", which can work as either a royal title or a Shakespearean insult. My sister says it sounds like a big sapphire.

The not so good news is the constant "overwhelmness" I deal with. Yesterday I holed up in Starbucks and spent nearly six hours on a proofing job. I didn't eat anything until after 3 p.m. And I thought I had praise team practice last night . . . and right as I was ready to leave, I checked the schedule. I'm not even scheduled to sing.  :stars: :stars:

Today I have two jobs to finish before the weekend. Last night I just decided to catch up on two episodes of The Good Doctor. I needed the rest.

I'm holed up at Starbucks again. This time I'm waiting on my son while he helps put together a trunk for our Trunk N Treat tomorrow. I have a running file called "The Plate" (as in, too much on my) and it's up to three pages. I can't get rid of the overwhelmness.  Today when I took a pair of jeans out of our laundry basket (which had been downstairs), I found that the rats who have been in our house have EATEN HOLES IN THEM.  :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: :aaauuugh: Yes, we've used mousetraps; we've caught exactly one mouse. I don't know where they're coming in from.

What in the (bad word) is wrong with me?

So sorry to hear about your rodent problem. That would be so hard to deal with.

Glad to hear that your vein procedure went well.

Have fun with trunk or treat. We did that many years ago.

In the latest chapter of The Mouse Chronicles, one of the mice scooted UNDER THE BATHROOM DOOR while I was IN the bathroom!

I may need to figure out how to use the mousetraps and put them in the kitchen. It was my husband who set up the traps the last time.

Other than that, I am fighting the feelings of being overwhelmed, again.  My husband wants me to delegate. Well, I asked him to do the  laundry on Saturday when I was out . . . and he didn't. I told him, you want me to delegate; he agreed with me, but I don't know how to get him to do what I've asked him to do!