Quote"Emotional distress is a signal that it's getting harder to remain emotionally unconscious."
- Lindsay C. Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting or Self-Involved Parents
In 2014 I dropped out of college. In the fall, it seemed like I had depression because I felt everything just fell apart and that I was alone. And I was. Even with my brother home with me. I remember spending the entire last half of the year lying in bed and not doing much. Eventually my brother got angry with me, saying I wasn't doing enough to be there for him.
Two years ago was probably the biggest breakdown I'd ever have because of the stress I carried in my role as the Caterer and Entertainer of my FOO. I remember feeling like it came out of nowhere, being told I was acting like F, suddenly going into a tantrum and knocking over a shelf in my room, in tears.
And again, last year and this year, more breakdowns. Unsure why I was feeling so tired of it all.
I can't truly determine all the steps I should be taking in terms of recovering from trauma, but without access to therapy, I'm moving forward to learning how to be more active in my self-care. Been reading
Adult Children for the last couple weeks and I feel like it's a great starter book. It's not specific to abuse survivors but it's so handy right now. "Emotionally immature" is the gist of my parents, with the added abuse and neglect of course. There's something really rewarding about feeling "smart" about the people who've hurt me.
I really wanted to start a new journal after my first year on the forum. I've grown, I know that. I can see that and so can my friends. There's still many things to work on that I think will really get me moved out confidently without relying on F (getting kicked out or getting into a situation where I feel forced to leave, as if this isn't that situation...).
Every day I feel more beautiful emotionally and much closer to moving. I keep getting glimpses in my heart's mind that make me feel incredible. Like a weight is lifted for half of a split second. The longer the better.
But every day I also see my FOO stay the same. I hadn't been speaking to my brother, but he's drifted back to me. I'm sure I've left an opening. It isn't that I don't want to be there for him. It's that I have to focus on myself. And he told me that, but he's forgotten.
And M has forgotten all of the days I spent my lunch break crying in her office about the pain I've been feeling since childhood. She acts the same. I don't think she remembers either.
F and I are supposed to have a talk soon, but I'm not looking forward to it. It's so we can "be on the same page," which means I need to be on his page. NO THANKS! It's as if HE wasn't giving me a 2-week cold shoulder! (albeit, I was in an emotional flashback). As if he stayed stoic and emotionless in my face while I was upset and miserable. Like I'd been when I was 17. And 14. And the many years before.
That's something I've been remembering. He showed me no emotions but anger. No sympathy or understanding. Never. I can't conjure up skills him that I was never taught.
So we'll see how this
"conversation" LECTURE goes! I'll try my best to stand in my truth and collect evidence of his 24-year consistent neglect. I've avoided being in flashback the last time he was cruel to me and I'll do it again.
It's good to see you back, tea. And especially to hear the progress you're making and to hear that your friends see it. That means it's more than little steps imho otherwise people without this beast don't see the progress.
"Every day I feel more beautiful emotionally and much closer to moving. I keep getting glimpses in my heart's mind that make me feel incredible. Like a weight is lifted for half of a split second. The longer the better." Beautifully put!
"But every day I also see my FOO stay the same. I hadn't been speaking to my brother, but he's drifted back to me. I'm sure I've left an opening. It isn't that I don't want to be there for him. It's that I have to focus on myself. And he told me that, but he's forgotten." You go, girl! Focus on you, even if your B has forgotten.
I wish you lots of strength for the upcoming 'talk' with your F. I really wish you could get out of the whole situation permanently tbh, but I know these things can take time. So I hope that time comes sooner rather than later. :hug: :hug:
thanks Blueberry :bigwink: I'm hoping for the best!
yesterday I was on the phone with Peach and we ended up talking about struggling with our own traumas. I talked about reparenting and needing to fill the gaps my parents missed.
I think I've come to fully (maybe 98%) realize that there are so many gaps that they are just too late in the parenting game to fix. They've been parents for 30 years, and even with me as the second attempt to get things right, nothing came of it. No efforts were made.
Struggling with reaching out is still pretty hard. I think my focus right now is learning how to be there for myself the way my parents can't and won't. F and I still haven't had that talk, and I know it'll be invalidating but I'll remember to detach and read the situation objectively, observing him like a scientist instead of the reactive daughter.
I don't think it's necessarily to my benefit, but I am interested in just telling the truth. I've lied about a lot, to myself and my parents and brother). I won't outright say he's abusive. But I will probably just speak my own truth about the life I've lived, about how the actions of others have hurt me and how I've been unable to speak up about it. How I've been disrespected (my self as a person as well as my privacy). The reaction won't be good. But like Pansy said to me over the summer, whatever the reaction, I'll know that I played my part.
They're attached to me and are probably terrified of me leaving but that's just that. I was terrified as a child too. And no one came to help me or sooth and comfort me. It's a strange feeling of being the little adult for everyone, when my parents should have been the proper adults for me.
It'd be great to have this conversation with F soon. The longer I wait, the more exhausted I get. I just, I know it in my heart that there's nothing left here. And that the benefits of moving in with Pansy and MG grossly outweigh the benefits of staying. I have a lot of insecurities still about moving though, that I feel getting a solid "there's nothing left for me here, in this house" will kind of push me to overcoming. Or at least will force me to rely on my friends without being ashamed and being afraid of getting abandoned.
Can't remember if I ever put it that way, but I am scared of that. But I think, having no options left will force me to work through that insecurity. I know they would never do that to me. The things that they themselves have been through, their actions right now, is really proof of that.
It's just really good to keep remembering that you just cannot grow to be healthier while still living in a toxic environment.
Great weekend! Had a short bit of abandonment while at dinner with MG and Pansy, when pansy switched sides leaving me by myself. that went away when I returned with my dinner only to find Rose there too! And her friend and roommate Safflower who I hadn't seen in over a year! The whole night was really nice.
I realized though, I wasn't talking much. I felt a bit unintelligent because I wasn't contributing to the conversations other than to say one-liners or something funny. Maybe it's a processing thing. At one point, Saff asked what the highlight of our week was and at first I said it was being able to see Rose again! She looked so stunning and lovely! She told me about the job I had applied for and how despite their lack of communication, it wasn't my fault or anything. Good to know. Maybe if they decide to reach out to me later like they seem to be planning, then I'll accept it and move out!
But then I was asked again and added that I made an artist care package for Peach and got to mail it out that day. There's always been something nice about putting my love into my art and making something for someone I care about and hoping it touches them deeply and warmly.
When I was talking I could feel my face getting warm.. like I was embarrassed or nervous to be talking in front of everyone. I don't know why I get like that. I've always been nervous talking or addressing more than two people at a time but I never know why.
Still haven't talked with F. Trying to avoid him for the most part. But also trying to not feel suffocated while we're in the same space, so detaching is kind of helping a bit in keeping me from acknowledging him for the type of man he is.
Reading has helped quite a bit. I'm still thinking on my feet and remembering to be the adult before I go into drasticizing. Still self-soothing. I was left at the table at dinner a bit and tried not to feel so alone while my friends got their dinners and desserts. It helped!
I can tell my emotions have been spiking for "reasons" considering I cried in the car ride home because it was past midnight and I was stressing out about being home late. No one confronted me on it and I don't have a curfew so I'm working to move past it.
A big accomplishment in my eyes! I've worked on remembering to feed myself. Made lots of food last week. Spent some time learning how to cut vegetables properly and just stir fried everything and put it on top of kale and it was great! And it felt nice to do that for myself.
Even this morning. I was running late. Usually when I run late, I unconsciously punish myself by skipping breakfast or just sending a feeling to myself that I don't deserve to eat. But today I ate some breakfast biscuits instead of purposefully leaving my snack bag at home! So that's great! A good thing to acknowledge. I don't know if the self-punishment thing would be considered a disorder or a self-harm but it's something I'm working through!
I don't know if moving away from recounting the past is super beneficial. I would like to know where that self-punishment came from.
Yesterday I remembered when I was in middle and high school, after we'd moved here. I remember when I got asked every morning before school if I had my lunch or if I had lunch money. I'd always say yes, except the rare "no." I wonder if I felt like I was being a burden. Wanting to be as little trouble as possible. I was just a kid still. Even when I was an older teen I'd lie about it still. And then I'd go to lunch period and just draw or share lunch with a friend who saw I wasn't eating.
I know I would forget to ask for money or forget to make lunch. So I didn't like to get found out, because I would get yelled out or I would inconvenience my parents.
Like somehow, underneath all the lying, I felt like I just didn't deserve to eat if I had forgotten to make food in advance or didn't have time. That's not true! I know better. I wish things were better back then so I would never feel like that. Because I still get the self-punishment feeling that alerts me to forgo eating. But at least now I know to consciously make the effort to eat when I can. I ought to make myself a schedule.
8:15am - breakfast
1:00pm - lunch
those are the two I tend to skip because those are the meals I'm responsible for making for myself. Maybe I'll follow that until it becomes a habit of self-nurturing.
finally had talk with F. just a small yet maybe major success. i think i've solved something to do with my trauma.
F relates to me as if I was his employee. he told me about all his former employees and even current customers who ask him things or reach out for advice or support. and told me "well why can't my daughter come to me?" and i just. it clicked and it checks out.
he relates to me... in a sense that whatever he says is law. whatever advice he gives, it should be taken and adhered to. any and all criticism should be seen as constructive, no matter how unsupportive and condescending and hurtful it is.
that's not how an F should relate to his children, adult or not.
I'm not his employee. I'm his daughter and I deserve to be treated like I'm the child he helped raise and nurture and love for 24 years. not an employee who's been trying to get the hang of HIS WORLD AND RULES all this time.
it's... something. kind of groundbreaking i guess. i'm tired because the talk was actually a 2 hour lecture of things i've done wrong in the past month and a lecture on how i should be the one.... maintaining the relationship and going to him for support an F should give. as if... :snort:
but it's something I can work with. something I can think about using in the future. i stayed detached the whole time. I teared up a little once but maintained a distant feeling, noting on things I knew would make me upset (him talking about a female employee saying her reaching out to him made him feel like her F. how about that!). in the future i'll keep in mind he doesn't see me as a human being with naturally complicated feelings and needs, but as an employee that has ONE ROLE. I'll keep that in mind and it'll hurt a lot less because I won't expect him to realize I'm his daughter. :thumbup:
Things are definitely not the same as they were when I left this journal months ago. October doesn't seem that long ago but it really is in terms of trauma and recovering.
Something I realized last night was that I've been trying so hard to fix myself up for my friends before I move in with them. Trying to heal as much as possible so I can function well enough to be around them every day. That doesn't seem really healthy. I could see if I was already seeing a T or something. But I'm doing this all by myself. Recovery feels very lonely, and after my entire life of getting through things alone, it'd be really nice to have someone to hold my hand and push me forward as far as I can go each day.
Another thing I'd also realized recently is that I don't think enough about my teenage inner child. Or children? There's at least two from different years of high school that I've left behind. They were sad girls, but also angry girls too. As I say that, I feel a sort of nostalgic anger that I had simmering throughout school that until now I'd only vaguely remembered. Like I know I had a lot of frustration, but I remember the art I made and the things I wrote. I miss those girls.
A good thing is that over the last handful of months I've done a bit better at caring for my youngest inner child. Back when I first learned about inner kids I couldn't visualize her at all, but now I can see her particular hairstyle. The front side braid and the back braid. Eyes crinkle and twinkle brightly when she smiles. But wearing the top I liked a lot in junior high, even though she's about 5 or so. It shrunk with her I guess?
But I've thought a lot about her, and have worked really hard to be her parent, and thus re-parenting myself. Unfortunately the other day I'd completely abandoned her after going into a breakdown, feeling unintelligent and incompetent. I couldn't break my adult self out of it to calm down and remind myself that those were lies, and to reassure myself that I'm trying my freakin best! But I know it now. It doesn't mean all my work is erased.
But my teenage inner child. If I could bring her out, and validate her frustrations and anger over being constantly hurt and abandoned, maybe that could help me move forward more consistently. The youngest is very vulnerable, and subject to being triggered by anything that could be perceived as abandonment. But I'm working on that! I'm working through the feelings of hopelessness and loneliness and making sure I am there for myself. I'm bigger and smarter now, more capable too.
But I'm not sure what I know of the teens. There were lots of abandonment feelings there too. But I think I blurred a lot of it out. High school is such a vague memory. I'm only 25 and I can't remember most of my teachers. I do have all my journals from back then so maybe that's a start. And some old sketchbooks too (one of which I found in F's room!!! that made me so angry!! :blowup:)
Maybe another thing to think about is that I know I was so grossly misunderstood. I mean that's the Story of Every Teenager Who Ever Existed. But my parents didn't ever bother to try. They pretended like they did, as if reading my journals was their genuine way to understand me instead of going to the source and at least TRYING to be patient! It was the last chance they had to really do their parental best to really see me. To encourage their child to grow beautifully and creatively.
I'll investigate it. It would be nice to be angry for a change instead of hopelessly sad.
Hey tea :hug:
It's good to see you back once again! You, my dear, are making great strides. (I hope it's OK to say "my dear"? It's just what popped into my head and then stayed there.) There's so much more assertiveness and strength in your post.
I really like the picture of your IC and it's great that you can visualise her now. That's progress :cheer:
Some of my ICs have done things which weren't age-appropriate. Like the 2 year old came up with sentences no 2 year old would. In fact my ICs progressed in various ways, they changed with time. I also discovered that some ICs connected with some ITeens. So all that to say, don't worry that your 5 year old is wearing one of your junior high tops.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: for all the reparenting you're doing! That's really great! Please don't beat yourself up for relapsing one time and not being there for IC because of a breakdown. We all have these. One wise member on here says it's not a case of if we have a relapse, it's when. And then the issue is: do you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep going? That's just what you did. :thumbup: And no, not all your work is erased! Not at all.
It sounds from your post as though there's a whole lot more about to start recovering and healing. You go, girl! :cheer:
When you feel lonely in recovery, you know we're here. Even if you don't want to post or read much and maybe just want to come and sit on the Healing Porch so as not to be alone. :hug: :hug:
Blueberry
meadows for freedom! just a quick thought while i interrupt my reading this article about inner children (https://lifelabs.psychologies.co.uk/users/3881-maxine-harley/posts/17933-how-to-heal-and-re-parent-your-inner-child)! Of course I got emotional reading the list of things. It was like reading them felt like I was saying those things to little tea. I feel a little burst of hope for us. While reading I was picturing her sitting on my lap, and the article said "Inner Child" she'd look at me excited saying "THAT'S ME!" I guess.. if I can imagine that, even though I'm too good at imagining and daydreaming things that feel real, then she must absolutely be really real, huh.
thanks for the welcome back Blueberry :wave: totally fine to say dear!
thanks for the note on assertiveness! I've been seeing it too, in my feelings the last handful of months. since writing, I realized little tea might actually admire that blue sweater for junior high.
getting back up has been tough, but I'm getting there for sure. a visit to the porch might do me some good, actually.
been stressed about being a consistent person. I stopped using my planner a couple weeks ago, but the $15 won't go to waste. I'll get back into it. I found a great tip on choosing a different planner/planner app every week. switching it up so it feels new each time. and I really love the whole "starting new" feeling, so that really appeals to me. maybe I'll set an alarm for each sunday.
I redid my room a couple weekends ago (and again today) and still am not satisfied. I think it's a guilt pang because I won't be living here long enough to enjoy it. so I feel some sadness about it. like what's-the-point kind of sadness. the little art space has been used three times and my legs hurt from sitting on the floor instead of at the desk. guess I'm just trying to give myself (or Little Tea?) a real room of my own that i never really had. my apartment room feels a bit more like a home-room to me, but I'm not living there yet.
anyway I've been trying to approach re-parenting from a hypothetical parent perspective. the inconsistency I have has been giving me a hard time with it. trying to set up a routine for things to do.
but I think! I might actually be struggling because I'm scheduling Adult Tea tasks. Little Tea, at 8, doesn't know what an art commission is. She doesn't know how to apply for jobs. or how to update a blog. what did I know how to do at 8?
Brush teeth.
Let M do hair.
Do homework.
Draw.
Watch cartoons.
Read.
Play games.
Among other little things. am I supposed to schedule things for her or me? I guess real parents would be doing both. Do I schedule things for Adult Me the way I'd schedule them for Little Tea? like making names for them ("art class" when I need to work on my frustratingly-deadlineless commission?)
When I feel like an adult, I feel at ease, in some sort of control. the things I need to do are lined up in my head at light speed and I can accomplish them throughout the day.
But nowadays I feel like a child. don't wanna do anything. I can barely make it to wash my face because I've made an excuse to do it after my pillows are washed. I have to wash my face only when I know I'm going to lay to sleep right away. oh I can't do these commissions because I need to do warm-ups and the table is too low so my legs will hurt, but sitting at the bigger desk will confuse me because I wanted to establish it as a space for Important Art. it's all excuses that.. don't really have my reason to them. it's just feelings. I guess that's how kids are, and by default how little tea is going to be. if that's her saying those things and not adult me using her as an excuse.
if I could add just one thing to the unstructured schedule of my life, it'd be painting and drawing daily (or most days of the week). Art Class. If I'm not going to draw or paint, I'll swatch the colors from my palettes. Then at least I've picked up a brush and done something for the day. anything. i could create more again. the recent sunny days at least have been helping me feel more alive, which in turn helps me want to make art.
but the meadow for freedom.
maybe I can start thinking about that place. an oil painting I did the other day, of a garden. looks more like a meadow, with a fence and some purple lupines and pink and white wildflowers all over. some trees in the back. a small patch of blue sky, the color i was SO proud of making (phthalo green, cerulean blue, french ultramarine, and titanium white!), I couldn't believe I did that.
but that could be the place Little Tea can go, that I think of, to be free. maybe I'll paint more scenes for her to wander around in. more meadows. that's the sort of place I'd love to live. with train tracks just a little ways down the hill from our home, a cottage. I'll think about this more. Actually I think it's settled because I sketched something for it. there's a lake around there too. why not?
I need to be stable. have structure, predictable structure. Every day I'll work to:
- eat breakfast before leaving for work.
- make lunch the night before, or buy lunch before my work shift starts
- paint after work, for 45 minutes. (if i need to swatch every single paint I own then I will. nothing else to be forced)
- start bedtime routine at 9:30pm
- tidy room (or desk if it's too overwhelming)
- brush teeth
- wash face
- in bed by 10:30pm
Every day. I want to be a better, stable role model for little tea. she deserves that. the unpredictability was a scary thing. even scarier was being expected to do something that wasn't planned. but I'm the parent now. I'm here for her, making sure she knows what we have to do every day to feel some sort of control over our situation.
I know one of the biggest let downs was my parents not following through on things. I never got much explanation. not until I was already an adult, then they could say money was tight or not enough time. I can communicate better to little tea. If I promised something, I should explain right away, instead of waiting to be surprised and overwhelmed. propose an alternative, unlike F The Irrational would do. Things happen. Plans change. The people I make plans with don't hate me if they cancel last minute. There's plenty for us to do with the new free time we'd have! This is optimistic. It's probably good for parents to be optimistic. Kids can probably detect whether or not their parent/s can handle changes (thus internalizing whatever implicit messages they're sent when the parents react). Again, if I slip up, I won't beat myself up. How will Little Tea think of me when I do that? Permission to do that to herself? I will continue, so she knows not only do I not beat myself up, but I also keep pushing instead of quitting!
so glad you're back, tea. d and i love your paintings, that color blue sounds marvelous, and what a nifty idea to make places for little tea to run and frolic in, carefree and joyful. sounds absolutely beautiful.
so much progress, so much strength and so much of you and your truth showing. wonderful to see. big hug to you filled with beauty, love, and caring.
Wow, tea! So much progress. Your post is buzzing with energy and ideas. I love your creativity and your idea about making a world for little tea in your paintings. :cheer: :hug:
Thanks for link to inner child article!
thanks everyone (you're welcome blueberry)! ;D i feel pretty... on the positive side today!
notes: my truth, what feels good, motorcycle dream, excitement=motivation=bursts of new ideas/revelations?
HM! I think I just got a breakthrough? I feel like I realize this aaaaall the time.
Feeling forgotten hurts! I've had a lot of that in the last 25 years. But I think this is another trigger of mine that stems from neglect. This is actually exciting to note!
Yesterday was kind of miserable.
M started her new job at a new school and I felt so alone. Trigger One - feels like abandonment (reality: it isn't!)
On my way to work I realized I forgot my lunch. Trigger Two - recreated neglect onto self
Sat alone in the cold staff lounge a whole hour before work. Trigger Three - more abandonment
Forgot my headphones and couldn't listen to podcasts. Trigger Four - not sure. abandonment? neglect/feeling forgotten?
I did remember to buy lunch from the bookstore, so trigger two was remedied. I also remembered sometimes I like eating alone, unbothered, because I need space to recover. So I ate lunch alone. Sort of remedied trigger three.
This morning, I had the bright feeling and told M that even though I miss her at work, it's actually kind of cool that we go our separate ways to work. I flashed back to high school when I'd go to school and she'd go to work. I don't know why that's such a good and interesting feeling but it is. I think I like it aesthetically. Going separate ways and seeing each other later. Instead of seeing her all the time. Trigger one - REMEDIED~ :cheer: (I'm also aware that I was a strong advocate for her leaving her job for a better one, because I knew she deserved better, deserved to be treated better and not be walked over. hm! ironic, no? I realized that in january)
BUT! About those headphones. I went home last night and decided I'd make soup for Little Tea. I listened to a podcast and prepped the potatoes and parsnips and onions. It turned out pretty great in the end! And before bed I tucked my headphones around my purse so I wouldn't forget them!
I think when I forget items or forget to eat, it feels like self-neglect. I feel so miserable. What makes me feel good is remembering things for myself.
Remembering to eat. Because not eating gives me headaches.
Remembering to pack meals! Because it feels like I'm my own M, acknowledging that I may forget and should pack in advance.
Remembering to go to bed on time!!! Because going to bed late makes me sleepy at work. It feels good to be tired at 10pm and fall asleep because I usually feel good energy the next day.
Remembering to bring my sketchbook. Because even if I don't use it, at least I remembered to encourage creativity on the go.
Small things to remember make me feel good. It's the little things that people without cPTSD say they remember their parent/s doing for them, that made them feel so connected. Me and Little Tea will have that. I'm working hard to remember to remember the little things that might not be a huge deal to other people.
Last night I had a motorcycle dream. Of course I immediately looked it up and of course it talked about my desire for freedom. I think that's a given right now. The other day I talked to M about maybe spending spring break at MG and Pansy's place (my future apartment). She asked why (???) did it have to be there. Why not? I'm 25. I want to go have fun with my friends. She was doing dishes so of course she stopped talking and when she talked again, brought up a coworker here and started a new conversation. Didn't bother to try again and later went upstairs to lie down. Might have cried a bit.
That's tiring and annoying. She's going to keep doing that, avoiding things. Just like she avoided me wanting to move out last summer :snort: Been itching to ask F. Also been doing the drasticizing flash-forward thing, imagining if I ask him and he makes awful comments and I say LAST STRAW and move out. It may or may not be the same conversation as I had back in October. But having to ask, at this age, is getting ridiculous.
Anyway, I gotta think about what excites me to the point of motivation. I saw new replies today, with great suggestions and validation and that sparked something in me, to think more about what makes me feel good, what could soothe Little Tea. Seeing other people's art used to spark me but now it doesn't.
New changes spark something in me. New information and insight. I have to look more into this.
I think those "sparks" are the truths that san mentioned. Maybe. Is that how I truly am? One burst of excitement leads to another burst, leads to interest in learning new info, leading to excitement about reading and LEARNING?
Or is that an inconsistency? Or can't focus? I get so excited about things that I forget what I'm doing and go focus all my energy on the new thing I found out. I was reading the Angering Thread earlier and was sparked to go check a website. And just now I went into another thread to look at some recovery tools.
I've always had some focus issues which made reading (and therefore school) very challenging. And often due to my forgetfulness, I forget to do the thing I was motivated to do. But that is the negative side.
The positive is that motivation is sparked. If I can spark enough, it can last for a long time, maybe after spring officially starts.
OH! man another idea :blahblahblah: I was reading the first entry since I've been back and thought.
Hey! If I'm gonna connect to my inner teens, why not do this through MUSIC! YES! I think this is a great and exciting idea because music always makes me feel better!
The Rocket Summer comes to mind immediately. Gonna give him a listen during lunch. Anberlin was another band. I left them behind because the friend who'd introduced me to them turned out to be racist (right at the time of a big US issue coming to light). But I figure now, why leave them behind when I have already left her behind?! They meant a lot to me.
I can't think of any more right now but I'll remember to look through my journals and see who else is on the list. This is pretty exciting! I remember reading something in one of those wiki articles, how to connect to your teen or something. I felt silly, BUT it makes sense.
My parents never tried to understand the tunes I jammed out to. F in particular would say it didn't make sense, sounded too sad, or wasn't as good as His Music Back In His Day. Who cared!? I felt embarrassed because of this. I shouldn't have. Rock is probably one of the genres the helped keep me going through the misery that was my high school years. I need to write this down so I don't forget.
you are beautiful!!! big hug.
I'm really sad, crying. I got some time to read my journals from early teen years.
in one, I began it introducing myself, that I role played. "just me. in a world (aka- my brain) of blah-blah-blah"
I feel so sad. I always knew as an adult that I had imaginary friends but I guess until knowing about CPTSD I didn't know what it meant.
I had friends I saw at school but most of my time. probably all of my summer days I spent alone if I wasn't watching bro play games. all the cartoon characters I admired or had related to went to one of 3 schools I made up, one of them I went to as a 14 year old.
I really thought this stuff was fine. I hate that I was so lonely I had kept this up since I was 8. and kept doing this until my 2nd year of college.
even now, there's no one made up but the presence of my best friends joining me while I lip sync to old music in my room. I guess even now that I'm 11 years older, even though I'm able to see friends when they ask, I'm still the same sort of lonely.
one of my entries I had written saying I felt stupid, that I was stupid. that my parents made me feel stupid. reading it made me feel like at the time I'd accepted it (and I can pretty much understand why nowadays I feel unintelligent).
"Why can't they just say 'Sorry Tea... but you're stupid.'" :( early teen Tea felt like that.
Something about the way I wrote (and how I write these journal entries here), it was like I was absolutely expected and hoping someone would read. Maybe sympathize. I was writing with the purpose of being seen, rather than writing with the purpose of expressing my feelings. I might need to look for earlier journals. I think those were written more to an imaginary person ("diary") that was seeing and hearing about my days, rather than to nosy and intrusive parents. I don't remember them reading my journals and confronting me about the content until we moved when I was in middle school.
I remember back then feeling like I had to change the way I spoke to them, that my "new language" for them would be short and concise. "Yes... no... I don't know but maybe the answer is..." I even remember this particular day I was sitting at my computer practicing how to speak quietly. As if that would make my parents nicer and change them to be more understanding of my feelings (and perhaps more receptive to emotional cues?)
I listened to some music and that felt good until I came up to the role playing intro entry.
I don't remember if I ever really get ANGRY in my journals. Like explicitly. I may have worked around it since I had the constant feeling that my parents were reading everything. F always said "No matter what, I'm always going to find out." That's a great way to make your daughter feel like a prisoner who's always being watched, no privacy.
It's like those parents who take away the door to their kid's bedroom, as a sign of "lost trust." but for this case, the door was in my mind and I always knew someone was watching and judging and making note of everything. I guess maybe I thought this was my chance to attempt to make them see what I feel in a palatable way. But I was a young teen and they were much older and not at all the relatable type. Or the self-reflecting-action-changing type.
I always forget there is no "me before the trauma." I just saw a post on my blog platform the other day about this. Coming to terms with the fact that there is no pre-trauma identity is difficult.
To fix something means to bring it back to its original functioning way. Fixing means the thing was once "well." At some point. I thought about old cars. From waaay back. Rusty, maybe some parts missing or damaged. Can't drive it. But before it got to this state, it was working. There were no missing parts, it was shiny, clean. No dings or cracks. It performed well.
I guess I'm not like that. There's always been something. I can't really "fix" myself. There isn't anything to necessarily "undo." I'd have to take things away, all this trauma, the mess it's caused. I think a while back in the first chapter of Self Educating, I wrote that this is my identity. Guess I feel like if I take away and heal from the trauma, I've got nothing. Or that I am nothing.
My "true self" is probably more like "my created/artificial ideal self." While I'm learning and healing, I'm creating a picture of who I want to be. Feels like having a giant scar all across my entire body. In the beginning, I have a hard time functioning with it. But later on, I know how to move. How to breathe. How to exist with the scar, without the scar causing me pain. And in the event that it does cause pain, I know how to alleviate it immediately. But it's still there. Not sure if I've really even accepted the fact that complex trauma is a lifelong thing. That becomes more manageable with time, effort and care.
I'm not really sure what I want out of this life except a break and some peace. want to note some good things today though.
even though it took me almost an hour to get dressed, in the end I found a good outfit that reaffirms my usually unconnected gender. feels good with the super cropped haircut I got last week. walked to work in a sort of not really "boyish" but... I like the term NEUTRAL.. gait. i might have been leaning forward a little bit like I was stalking a bit. not sure if that's the word. walking with some determination. I really like my outfit today. makes me feel good.
picked up some extra things for lunch since all i brought was leftover pasta from sunday's lunch. I think i'll eat alone today while listening to MBMBAM (a really nice and super funny podcast that always cheers me up! those guys are silly, i love it!). also got some coffee which i NEVER drink. tasted good? I did end up feeling perkier.
couldn't believe it was sunny for an hour. so I moved one of the tables in the lounge towards the big windows. that was nice. took some selfies and pics of the sky and sun. ate some of the sour gummies i bought. my fave candy. did some sketches and doodling in my recently made sketchbook. that was great too!
got some more compliments on my hair. I think i'm waiting for the day someone calls it "sharp." in the fall someone at starbucks said it looked "sharp" and it was so nice! and gender affirming too. i'd never heard that applied to me before and it really meant a lot. I think I look sharp today too.
now recounting those things makes me feel good. i'm gonna eat the rest of the gummies and listen to the podcast. recounting good things... that could be a self care thing. like the Three Good Things A Day thread. And maybe a self soothing part of my routine. Good things that happened this week, that I can write in my physical journal.
feels really good to actually know and remember good things I've experienced.
i can totally relate to feeling like i've been traumatized since before i was born, (i actually was - they used forceps to get me out of my mother, cut my face next to my eye, still have the scar) and what would being 'fixed' mean? i don't know what it means not to have trauma symptoms, some kind of pain and/or sadness. it's been with me forever.
just wanted to let you know you're not alone here, tea. all i know is that i often ask for the strength to make it thru the day. we do what we can, what we need to do to get from here to there. you are so far from stupid, it's shrinking in your rearview mirror.
one place i was able to get my anger out was a journal that i used expressly for that purpose. nothing else but anger toward whoever. i had a red pen to symbolize anger - it was the only one i used for that writing (well, sometimes it was just cuss words, sometimes stabbing the paper, sometimes scribbles, whatever it felt like). when i filled that notebook up, i walked it out to the garbage can outside just to get the venom out of my house. that felt pretty good.
very glad you're able to find things that feel good, and i love that 'sharp' note. it is a certain type of look when someone looks 'sharp'. i'm glad you got that compliment.
keep taking care of you, sweetie. sending a warm, lovely hug full of care and compassion.
I relate to that feeling of having no privacy sometimes. In fights before, a couple locks to doors in my house got broken, and that wasn't pleasant. Our privacy is a control of information in our lives, and since information is power, whoever knows these can use that power against us. I'd say the ability to know how to trust or keep secrets is much of a life skill as any other.
It's terrible and common really. To have a picture of who you want to be than what you are. To heal, you need to be aware of the parts of you that need to heal, but taking that false image away to see that can be really painful. I know. I've felt it myself.
It reminds me of an exercise made by Peter Ralson where you have to imagine that a blank slate soul will become you, but you can only make it so by explaining who you are. You can't say for example general traits like "student" or "dancer", because there are many students and dancers in the world that are not you. You can't say your name because someone else could have your name and be a completely different person. It's not your body since after all there are people who lost body parts who survived, but are still "them". So who are you then?
Well, see you around. I hope the best for you. :)
I'm remembering again that I function a little bit better on my work days. and I feel a lot safer to browse and/or post when i'm at work as opposed to being at home. makes sense.
I think i'm coming out of SAD now that daylight savings has come and brought the sun back into my life more consistently. which means drawing and painting more ;D
i read through my teen-years journals over the weekend and realized I toned myself down so much. for the purpose of entertaining and seeking empathy from my parents who I assumed would read them too. there is hardly any anger at all. if there is any, it seems like I make it seem like there's something I should be doing instead (like changing the way I speak, instead of asking or demanding my parents treat me better). Or use escapism with imaginary friends/daydreaming.
In one of them, I had ripped a page out. It might have been within the last year when I thought F was angry with me and figured I should skim for any angry pages and trash them. Again, makes sense (but it's awful!).
Also realized a lot of my angry entries were lost. After I stopped handwriting journals I went to my computer. My parents eventually read them too. But they're long gone. Maybe not permanently... I'd have to find a way to get the hardrive of the old PC. And even later, more entries when I started college. Those are gone too. That's a huge chunk of missing anger. There had to be something in there that was true to me. Now I have to cultivate it again.
Thinking about it and how it's almost impossible to see any of what I felt back then is stressful. I pretty much threw out my feelings. Rejected them like my parents did. I don't know how to get them back. So much of those years I can't even remember save for when I was 14 and 17. I can't find any evidence of my genuine self, or a self that tried to stay true to who she was. or they. I always felt like I was joking whenever I say that high school was such a blur I that I don't remember anyone or most of what I even did. Guess not. Maybe later I'll write as much as I can remember. feel like this entry started really positive and now I'm back to feeling exhausted and the new snowfall isn't helping.
Quote from: DecimalRocket on March 10, 2018, 09:25:32 AM
It reminds me of an exercise made by Peter Ralson where you have to imagine that a blank slate soul will become you, but you can only make it so by explaining who you are. You can't say for example general traits like "student" or "dancer", because there are many students and dancers in the world that are not you.
good insight DR. I've read similar but again wonder about pre-trauma identity even existing for some folks. it's something to investigate likely after leaving FOO.
also San it's really nice to know I'm not the only one who feels this.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 08, 2018, 02:21:43 AMi don't know what it means not to have trauma symptoms, some kind of pain and/or sadness. it's been with me forever.
yeah that basically sums it up. it's hard to know what's genuinely me versus what's the entertainer fawn-freeze me who's learned all the acceptable mannerisms. I feel bad to pick and choose the good things I like and smoosh it together into a functioning Tea, but at the same time I am free to do what I want and be the person I deserve to be for myself and the little and teen Teas.
it may not be such a great idea, but I'm starting to feel like most of my talk is cheap. Maybe not "cheap," rather words that aren't backed up by actions.
I was feeling extremely overwhelming guilt and sadness about wanting to move out last summer. I knew all the reasons why I needed to leave this house. By the first potential date, i chickened out. By the second date, I figured there was no way I could do it.
i think it ties into needing to be consistent. not just consistently saying I will move out, or consistently saying all the reasons to remind myself that I deserve to move in with supportive friends. but actually have some actions?
for me, I just don't know if it's enough to know the reasons and sit with that. I think realistically, if I want to recover, I've got to play some part.
I don't know... how to really regain my energy on my own. My friends are playing a part in providing a safe space for me to live. so living location and expenses are taken care of. two less worries to worry about. i don't really... I can't visualize the steps and orders in my head because i'm still struggling to care and that really sucks. Truthfully, ideally, I could just up and leave today. or friday. all I'd need to do is pack and call pansy to come pick me up.
I watched this video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IH0digwjds&feature=youtu.be) on seeing yourself differently and just the statement:
Quote By the time I was 17, I thought, "You know what? I'm outta here. This sucks."
It rings something in me. We are different people, but I wish I could up and determine that my living situation sucks, and that I'd be better off out the house. I don't know what I want out of the minutes before I step out of my house to never return again. I don't know what it is I really want out of those moments. Conversations or arguments or fights or whatever. I'm not sure.
I'm still waiting on another reason :pissed: and that's really really unhelpful. I think if I couldn't do it in October when it was so blatant that F saw me as his employee rather than daughter he should have loved, then I don't think I can just do it the next time he decides to disrespect me.
I have to be active somehow. I realize that's just about the point of recovery, especially recovering for life. I have to be actively making decisions. Being aware of what works and what doesn't. I can't be active for 3 days a week while I'm functioning at work, and then drop it off because evidence shows I don't pick it back up very well.
I know I have to be active in supporting myself. Uplifting myself, motivating myself. Nourishing myself and loving myself. The best parents, despite their faults, are consistent in doing this for their kids. Even if they slip up somewhere, they know that one error isn't ever grounds for revoking any of this support.
with the thought of steps and orders, I wonder if I should put some things off. Thing that I just.. can't really do on my own. It feels bad to look at my inner child work and decide to stop. I can of course, though, keep up with self love and compassion. Being my own best friend. Now.. I can't really be my own T. And I think with all the analyzing and research, I've been attempting this.
Even with those good parents, they can't be their kid's T. They love and support them as best as they can, and with any new information they learn, they make changes and take actions that are suggested best for the child's growth, healing...etc.
I think that's the key I was looking for in trying to stop "fixing" myself. There's nothing really to fix, but there is a lot to unlearn and learn. And I'd like the help of someone who can really guide me through it, one step at a time. I've spent my whole life going at it all alone. I think to continue doing this would be kind of harmful. It's been a lot to comprehend, and even then I'm not sure I've understood all that I've read. It's been stressful, and it's probably a better idea to do (and figure out) the things that are well within my capabilities. Revelation perhaps?? :stars: :Idunno:
I can take steps to nourish myself because I have the financial and physical means to. I encourage myself and say that I love myself and will do everything I can to protect myself. Because those are things I deserve. All of them.
Maybe the coming of spring (and this currently sunny sky) is rejuvenating me. Just looking at the sky makes me feel like anything's possible, and that I want to just leave my work shift and go home and start packing again.
I don't think there's anything I can really do to change FOO. My friends have all been telling me that my parents have had their chance to live these years. They had their times to thrive. Why would I come up with reasons or support their reasons as to why I don't deserve to live and thrive? That's the opposite of self care.
some good things to note:
It's sunny today :sunny: so like a plant, I feel energy coming my way
i remembered to make lunch today (despite falling down some stairs and getting the instant feeling to punish myself)
I don't know about moving out, but I do know about inaction. Change starts in the mind before you ever act towards it. And you're trying your best to do that. It used to that when I was too scared to act that I'll try to rush what I'm trying to do forward and "force it", but pausing to notice what's causing the fear inside is a better step.
I remember a meditation book from Osho where he tried to advise a man how to get rid of his smoking habit. The man would always try to guilt himself into stopping but it wouldn't actually make him stop. Osho said to him that he had to fully feel the smoke and how it stirred up his craving. The man doubted him, but did so anyway. Later on, he stopped smoking entirely.
In problem solving, there needs to be a certain skill in being able to switch between different modes of problem solving. Being more aware of your emotions around it, gathering information, making ideas, looking for the possible benefits, looking for the possible consequences and implementing ideas. Maybe you could try switching to a more appropiate mode when you're stuck?
been watching parenthood for the second time to... get some sort of perspective. TV shows aren't great sources for what healthy relationships should be like, but this show has a lot of good in it.
at the very least, it's bringing up a lot of emotions stemming from childhood: being left alone... being at school late until my dad could pick me up.. arriving at my home when no one was there to let me in. that last one makes me feel the saddest. there were a few days like that that I can remember. and it was early in the school year so it was hot. the door step faces west so I was sitting in the sun. I don't think I'd ever waited incredibly long. but long enough for there to be an impact that I can remember with sadness now as an adult.
the show has been reminding me there's not a lot of meaningfulness in the relationships I have with my parents. i guess that's what happens when most of my time is spent by myself. and when i get parents like them.
last night I tried out a meditation app. just 5 minutes. it was nice to lay down and think about my breathing but M was moving around the house and talking so that was distracting. but I'm hopeful for my next attempt. A goal I'd like to see through is being aware of my emotions, and how they change. What are the signs. How I can respond to them healthily without judgement. Feeling bad but knowing that I am not bad. I think that's one of the doable things I can do while I'm still here.
I think I've been slowly climbing out of SAD this past week, so that's something good too. of course getting things started again into good habits is difficult. I've done it before, many times. I just need to get my legs moving and keep them moving for a bit. There's some flight in me that's all in my head, and healthily, it could be of better use in my legs. I was never the tangible busy person, but I do like the feeling of having things to do and actually accomplishing them. But that's a rarity for me. Just another thing that can contribute to being a more consistent person. felt like I had a lot of thoughts before writing but now the well feels dry right now. I do have some things to do that'd make me feel better if I did them now.
Good things today? I did the dishes before F came home (hours before). Did the laundry :cheer: that's usually pretty easy for me to get done early. Trimmed some recently transplanted house plants. They're not looking well from the shock, but I'm waiting for them while they recover slowly.
Actually before I do those things. I remember telling Peach a couple months ago about repotting and trimming my plants when spring comes. She calls me a "garden witch" which is just a really lovely compliment! thinking about it now makes me smile :) In a way, I think we came to the conclusion that caring for houseplants could be be turned into a method of self care. Or a metaphor for self-parenting too. We look at the warning signs houseplants give - yellowing leaves, dry soil, wilting, curly and crisping leaves , spotting - and we act on those signs. Stop watering. Water. Move into or away from the window. Research potential diseases. Every plant is different. I think I can be as gentle to myself as I am with my houseplants. I talk to them, and to myself and Little Tea. Baby them and apologize if I forget to water and feed them. I praise them when they start sprouting new leaves. I play with the leaves gently and admire the spring they have. I stare in amazement when they perk back up after wilting (and apologize for my lack of care). I can do those things for myself. I know the things FOO has taught me are lies. The things they said and the things they implied.
tea, i think you are in the middle of a process that will eventually get you to where you want to go. like d.r. said, thought is the first step. i think the fact that you're now writing it down, sharing it, contemplating what it all means is a big second step.
you'll get there, of that i have no doubt. i love your plant analogy, the idea of being a gardening 'witch', and how you're now relating what you do to and with your plants for care, and beginning to translate that to yourself and your life. especially the idea that if your plant isn't thriving, you'll move it to a place where it will.
wishing you the best, tea, and sending a warm, loving hug full of self-care and sunshine.
I feel awful to say this but it truly got me feeling defensive in probably a negative way, maybe confronting the fact that I can't call myself a "painter" because there are many like myself. Or other things maybe, gender and else related because there's others with those labels too.
I think I got frustrated because recently I finally felt good about calling myself a painter because painting is one of the very few things.. probably the only thing that makes me feel real and alive and whole.
Identity before trauma. Healing the damage. Coming out of it as "my genuine self." It gets to me because the self sacrificing. How doing that just erased any possibility for a development of self, of a concrete self. I haven't even been so upset about it in a while, but remembering how upsetting it is to just feel like I'm not a part of life. Not the "thriving" part of being a part of life. But just.. I guess the existing? Maybe I just forgot or maybe I repressed it, until now, confronting and being overly aware of this. Of my lack of identity. Or lack of awareness of my identity, the true one. Of my just kind of being there. the negative side of existing that isn't a part of things and of life. Like maybe I'm doing that thing again where I'm talking and writing for show, but not doing anything. Even "thinking." One day I'm thinking of it and another day I've forgotten or pushed it aside.
I hate that my brain is so jumbled and tired that I even tried to figure out if I was even thinking correctly. am I supposed to think words or sentences? what am I thinking? if it's not words put together then what am I thinking? am I OK? what's my brain doing when I'm not forming sentences?
who am I supposed to be? I guess even thinking past the image of who I could potentially be as I recover more and more, I just don't know. who am I? even right now. who would I be if I wasn't traumatized? if I was allowed to have an identity separate from my parents' enmeshment? without the suffering? without the abandonment fears and without the guilt. without the self-sacrificing and the unrealistic obligations. who would I be? is that "person" the one I'm healing toward? truthfully all I can see is that very blank shape of a person. Like I've cut a human shape out of a white piece of paper.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way, tea. I've felt this way while pondering my identity as well, and still do at times. It takes time.
It's my fault as I wasn't clear. What I meant by the idea of not able to define yourself by what other people can be is not to remove any pride on what you are, but to see yourself as whole list of traits. A combination of traits, rather than letting one or a few roles define you.
A lot of people have a self stereotyping kind of process. When someone calls themselves a hardworker for example, he might be actually a hardworker. But he also associates a hardworker to talk to certain people, read certain books, work at extended periods, and many other ideas he unconsciously thinks he should do. Not because he wants to.
It's like when you picture the image of the Earth in your mind. Much of the information you have around it is right — you live on it, it's made of mostly ocean and revolves around the sun. But you probably don't have the exact picture of the continents, and it's not exactly round, more of an oblong.
The key is to find these false associations and assumptions about your own idea of self and change it so you can create your own decision on how you want to be.
Take care, Tea. You're alright even if you fail.
thanks for the kind words DR
some conclusions from the last 2 days:
1. I'm a huge liar. I've never confronted it before but I see how many times i've just lied to save myself the trouble of doing things I can't bring myself to do. i lied to my friends to buy some time while i finished a gift for their sister. lied that I had errands when i didn't. i think i feel ashamed that i haven't moved in with them and maybe it's just in my head but i feel like they're getting annoyed and impatient. and that they're seeing through some things.
i thought about how i lie to my parents and to myself that our relationship is something at all. stuff to cope i guess.
i wish at some point i could stop crying for a period of time and get things done. i've always been a crier and i know it was never out of weakness. maybe it's because i'm sick today but i just feel like i can't do anything anymore. i still procrastinate and make excuses and wallow in my inability to do things. i know everyone has played their part except me. for the next step in all of this. i feel like i'm in space floating around trying to pilot a body that's so far away. not dissociating because i still don't think i do that. just that i feel like i'm trying so much but nothing is truly effective. i don't know if any of what i'm doing is "right" or useful and I STILL feel like i am performing. not for myself or inner children but for some entity that consists of all the people I want to please. i'm still doing this. and yet i'm still having this deep feeling of not wanting to do anything for anyone anymore.
that's the overarching feeling. like i've come to stop automatically wanting to do things for other people, yet am still automatically working and feeling the need to please and perform.
i don't know if i'll ever move out. bro was talking about his driving lessons with F and i started to get that feeling that i would be here again next year.
and i'm so angry at MG because i think he got me sick yesterday and i feel miserable and overdramatic at the same time. i haven't been sick in such a long time, over a year and now i feel even more compelled not to do things today like the COMMISSION i can't bring myself to complete.
yesterday i was so quiet and just overly aware of it. i think pansy either noticed and/or was annoyed by it but no one asked about it. i felt even worse because in my mind i had already worked to convince myself of a vague lie as reason for my quietness.
binging tv shows isn't helping but i can't stop. trying to think of another plan to move forward just... i don't care about it. i know, logically, that i'm playing a big role that's keeping things for moving forward. thinking gets jumbled and i can't focus because i just don't care even though i'm supposed to care because i'm supposed to care about myself.
i don't feel like faking it till i make it because i still know in my heart that it's not genuine. feels like even little tea might be able to see that.
and of course i haven't been eating well. i know i can pick myself back up.. and that none of this erases the progress i've made. i don't know.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 16, 2018, 02:44:15 AM
tea, i think you are in the middle of a process that will eventually get you to where you want to go. like d.r. said, thought is the first step. i think the fact that you're now writing it down, sharing it, contemplating what it all means is a big second step.
you'll get there, of that i have no doubt.
tea, I second san on this.
You know, I made a decision just last week that involves a move (my business into my apartment). There quite a number of things to do beforehand including doing a clear-out in my apartment and in my office. I did none of that today. I lay in bed and read and gazed out the window. Then I came on here.
Sometimes we need time to regroup. Or just be. Then we get active again.
You mention that you're crying a lot. It could be that emotionally you're working a lot right now and that when that clears a bit, you'll be able to start moving forwards again.
Baby steps count. :hug: :hug:
tea, i agree with blueberry - baby steps count. when we're in these muddles, it's so hard to see our way through. hang tough - we're hangin' right beside you. big hug for you filled with soothing calm and the beginning of some inner peace.
OK here goes.
Quote from: DecimalRocket on March 16, 2018, 06:22:48 AM
What I meant by the idea of not able to define yourself by what other people can be is not to remove any pride on what you are, but to see yourself as whole list of traits. A combination of traits, rather than letting one or a few roles define you.
A lot of people have a self stereotyping kind of process. When someone calls themselves a hardworker for example, he might be actually a hardworker. But he also associates a hardworker to talk to certain people, read certain books, work at extended periods, and many other ideas he unconsciously thinks he should do. Not because he wants to.
I see what you're saying now. I jumped to conclusions when my head wasn't clear at all or interested in being rational and patient. Previously, when I was much younger, I used to think of myself as kind and compassionate. And funny. But they all stem from being partially fawn type. Seemed to have taken the characteristics I had that were required to survive, and call them my own. But those things, despite being "good," still came from a place of trauma, and weren't used in a self-benefiting way. I think... if I think about it this way, I feel better knowing that if I can learn to use these traits towards myself as well, and have a balance where I can redirect my fawning towards myself (putting myself first instead of others), then that's good. Perhaps a genuine "me"?
Instead of an obligatory compassion towards others, I'd choose to have self-compassion that prevents self-invalidation that seems to be inherent in fawn types.
Quote from: DecimalRocket on March 16, 2018, 06:22:48 AM
The key is to find these false associations and assumptions about your own idea of self and change it so you can create your own decision on how you want to be.
This is really comforting, I've come to realize. With identity loss (and all of my crises about it), I am definitely battling a lot of labels that were placed onto me. Battling the fawn that is obligated to FOO instead of herself. I think a better and healthier way of thinking about "recovery" from CPTSD (and in my case, identity loss), is almost the recreation of my self. Not entirely. Maybe the recreation comes from the redirecting. And that redirecting will allow me to live my best life and be my best self. Maybe that's what "healing and recovery" is for me. Even though it's still hard to see that deep within there is still a "genuine me."
Perhaps it's got nothing to do with a pre-trauma identity. Honestly, I can't think any more about that identity. It'd have to be me as a baby, even though babies have lots of personality I'm sure. But what I can think about is who could I be, when trauma is dealt with. When I'm able to put into practice self-care and compassion, when I'm able to live for myself and no one else. What have I been told about myself, and what can I do to prevent myself from believing those harmful things.
Also thanks for the reinforcements san and Blueberry. I keep feeling like I'm running myself thin but at the same time I can't even see anything being done. regrouping is a good idea. since I'm sick I think I ought to take a minute and sit with myself, be aware of what i'm feeling. This coasting feeling that I've always felt is really strong and present. No binging on netflix. Just writing some thoughts out later in my physical journal. What am I feeling? What am I scared of? What's stopping me from doing what I want to do and "need" to do? My thoughts are still jumbled. A good thing to think about is that CPTSD requires active attention. Active decision-making. Eventually I'll get there. Baby steps definitely do count.
I'm just glad you were able to learn something to heal, Tea. :) The thing about true identity is that it's always changing. Our attitudes and beliefs vary as time passes by. We can say we're our feelings and thoughts, but our feelings and thoughts also change moment by moment. By quality, by quantity, by intensity, duration, type and a lot more.
We certainly have tendencies, but by really observing how we personally change moment to moment rather than being always the same, we can change our standards to adapt to the moment. To add an example, the hardworker I mentioned could change what people he talks to according to his moods than his shoulds, read books only when he needs to and adapt how much he needs rest or work with how much energy he has left.
In a way, observing what changes in ourselves also allows a certain belief that yes, we can change. We can grow. We can do something.
So take care, Tea. It's alright if you get scared or confused around this. I do too. Hey, they do say you get a lot of identity crises as a teenager and well, I'm stuck in this stage for now. But It takes time for all of us really.
:cheer:
thanks as always DR! :thumbup: I think this identity crisis is about ten years overdue lol! I don't recall getting some time to investigate who I was or wanted to be. now at 25 I think I'm finally taking the time to do this, which is good!
feeling good today! still very sick. 60% recovered. maybe 50%. but last night I think things turned around after a good nap.
today is SPRING :cheer: which is already very motivating! Did a short meditation at work yesterday. Also got some time to write down some thoughts in my physical journal. which felt good since I hadn't written in over a week.
good things I realized:
1. I feel somehow good when I talk to myself while doing things.
I realize I've been pretty quiet and my thoughts have been jumbling by themselves. but talking myself through actions, like last night when I decided I needed to brush my teeth and wash my face an hour before bed because I'd be too sleepy later, felt nice. I don't really want to stay so disconnected where routines become too second nature that I don't think about it. one of my big issues is this disconnection I keep having to myself and to life, where I'm just in my brain and overthinking, instead of living.
2. talking to Peach ALWAYS motivates me with healing and with being an artist.
she has this energy that rubs off onto me! like, I feel motivated to just exist better. live better. she's like, summer personified. she's healing from her own trauma and so am I, and whenever we talk about things we're going through, I seem to always feel better and more inclined to work harder.
3. realized this when M was cleaning my room for me on sunday. I need to do things one at a time. I think that's what I can manage for now, because when I take on multiple things, I get too spread thin. there was something I read when I realized I was having consistency issues. something like...
You do a better job when you tackle one thing at a time, as opposed to splitting your attention (and efforts) to multiple tasks.
That makes sense. And when I have to do multiple things I end up procrastinating everything and it doesn't help. I know there are some things I can't do this year like return to finish school, so my focus need to go towards things that I can change or deal with now. where all my efforts can go. I'll figure that out soon. I need to prioritize.
4. remember to do the things that make me feel good.
not the things that are just... so so. neutral. blah. whatever. binging shows is not really good. I decided to stop yesterday. it's not really helpful. even if it did give me lots of feelings about what I deserve. just sitting and zoning out doesn't help me at all. so I'm done with that. painting makes me feel good. remembering to make myself meals makes me feel good (and talking to Little Tea while cooking too). good weather.. resting when I feel like I shouldn't. remembering little things to look forward to.
5. writing makes it real.
i sort of realized this a while ago, but thought of it again yesterday. if I don't write things down... or even talk to myself about things, then it doesn't feel real. like I'm not a part of it. I think... I don't know yet about dissociation. it still confuses me and I still feel like I'm in this place where that can't be something I experience. that I'd only want a professional to say I do or don't. but I won't deny this feeling of just not being a part of life. floating again. but writing down things connects me a bit. at least in looking back. "Yes I was there. Here's what happened. Here's what I felt. How my friend looked. A strange thing I noticed." that's something. i think meditation will help me with present stuff. but writing has always been good for me. I just need to tailor it a bit more to expression of feelings rather than a performance of feelings to others.
I think I'm gonna be OK. Maybe I'm out, maybe not. But today, at least right now it feels like I'm seeing the light shining above the hole I've been in.
just a random note to self, I remembered this morning I daydreamed about telling my friends I told F I was going to move out. "I didn't say I wanted to or that I was thinking about it. I just said I was going to move out" and visualized a short block of time where F was saying or yelling things to me, and imagined myself tuning out, almost disappearing. that's something. I've been thinking about it a lot. M has a new job and bro is taking driving lessons from F so everyone's... doing something. better for their future. thinking hard about themselves. in my own way I'm happy for them. that's good for them. despite everything, they ought to. but i ought to as well. when i get there.
i totally related to when you said you were done with the bingeing. i've found myself doing (or not doing) things over the years that seemed like what i wanted to do at the time, then suddenly, no more. it was like a switch clicked, what i was involved in became non-relevant almost in an instant. and i stopped, and found extra energy to continue with what was more beneficial to me.
i think it relates to what d.r. said about us always changing, even our thoughts and emotions, that we're really not the same from day to day, possibly even from moment to moment. i've done this so many times on so many levels over the past 20 years - and it was just as you mentioned, almost being stuck in a loop of some kind that would evaporate without even necessarily knowing why.
keep going, tea. moving - as long as we move in our minds, stay open to the changes, i do believe we'll be ok. big warm hug, tea.
I seem to come back here when I feel like I've got no other option. it's not a bad thing.. though it feels like I went off on my own to Be Better and came back with my tail between my legs :( like i'm embarrassed I didn't make any progress.
things I noticed/realized/remembered:
1. i forget EVERYTHING. :fallingbricks:
I forget to do things like self care. and I forget that self care is really important. I've been talking to bro about making sure he eats and does something different if he's seeing that something isn't good, when I myself have skipped multiple meals last week, ate two bags of candy that I intended to give my Pansy and MG for doing everything for me in the apartment, and being patient that I haven't moved, didn't brush my teeth pretty much at all last week save for one or two days. neglected my chores... neglected myself..
2. oh yes, I neglected my health!
despite going to the doc a couple weeks ago after some bad stomach issues (BECAUSE I was still neglecting my health and overeating!!!!! UGH!!)
3. ignored my friends :'(
when them ignoring me is one of my biggest fears/insecurities
4. i may... probably possibly be depressed.
I feel like that's a given... but I am also combating myself on whether or not i'm actually just lazy. considering I went back to my netflix binge. since my last entry I finished 3 shows. then went to youtube bingeing to my "pick em up" playlist that did nothing for me but detach me from my problems and keep me uplifted only while I was bingeing. great.
is that laziness or a quiet depression. i can't even bring myself to care sometimes. a lot of the time.
5. i am easily.. very easily distracted. motivated on the littlest of things, but cannot follow through properly.
I bought a gardening tin box the other day and decided to make little cards of notes on the caring and keeping of the house plants I have. spent hours on that friday and saturday. or thursday and friday (see point #1).
but I couldn't seem to bring myself to do helpful productive work. i even made a list on saturday. to clean my room and work. i made bullet points on the HOWs so it'd be specific as possible. but I cleaned my room and my desks and went to go binge. and yesterday I played video games after tax work. I tried meditation apps, but I just.. forget to pick them back up after a day or two.
6. seems.. maybe maybe a little. that i'm just not fully here.
this is hard to talk about. even think. like... I've thought of this many times and wonder if I'm fake for feeling it. a couple weeks ago I came up with a way to describe it. at least I can write it in words.
it's like. there are two spider webs. NO SPIDERS! just their webs. meant to represent connections. One web represents my connection to things. Friends. FOO. People I see daily. My house. The apartment. The things I create, how I make a mark on the world. In the center of that web, in the empty space I can picture myself. but I'm not resting on the web, I'm just floating in that empty space, slowly spinning usually. I'm not touching the web at all.
Outside of that entire web is yet another much bigger web. Representing the world. Culture (my heritage). People I don't know. The earth itself. Perhaps the universe. This web isn't connected to the one that's inside of it.
I feel like that's the only way to describe how I feel about my existing in the world and in my personal world. Like I've got nothing to do with any of it. I'm not connected. I don't feel strong connections. I don't notice them. It isn't a floating feeling that I would ascribe to dissociation. but at the same time, what is it that's connecting me to my surroundings? to me typing on this keyboard? to the students in this room. to the chair i'm sitting on. the scarf on my head. the water I'm drinking or the printer's noise outside the room. the snow falling. is noticing these things enough for me to be aware? present?
I've also been dreading not having a T. it's still like I want someone to figure me out so I can understand myself better, and know what I can do. i feel like a jumble of thoughts, constantly questioning if I should be thinking like this, in conversations with myself. or thinking in feelings or sounds. or if I should really be thinking along with my breathing. it feels that way sometimes when I pay attention.
Nothing really seems to be working. It's like I'm detaching myself from everything. I haven't painted in over a month. I can't rely on alarms because I DON'T THINK I CARE enough to remember to do things.
When I post here and say confidently that I am inspired to do better, it ends up being so fake. like I'm only doing or saying things for the sake of others. to inspire others or to impress others or entertain others. again, so detached from myself that I can't even be concerned with the impression i make on myself.
I think in all the last month I've lost little tea :( hadn't given her a single thought except the other day. cried myself to sleep a couple days last week because I felt like everyone was leaving me behind. Peach is following through on her plan for commissions and her art shop, and I have not. not beating myself up about the lack of progress is so hard, because it's a quiet thing. it's not even in the blatant words "you're not excelling" or "you're not good enough." it's feelings. that sound like those words but it's a feeling. like the feelings I got when F told me I couldn't be an artist because I had to be "good." the feeling I got when bro blew up at me for saying I was planning on moving out last july.
I used to be proud of being a rebel and not listening. I thought about how proud I was of myself, because not listening got me where I am. as skilled as I am as an artist. but now I'm shaking with my tail between my legs and I lost all of the little confidence I had. I don't want to do anything anymore but sleep unbothered for a century and wake up refreshed. but I don't know how to wake up refreshed anymore.
some good things in all this bad stuff:
1. i put away my 3DS and tablet
out of sight out of mind works for me. most of the time. at least i'll be too lazy to retrieve them so i won't play games or binge netflix or youtube.
2. a book on green magic has been slowly lifting me and motivating me to be maybe invested in myself. it's not longlasting though. but at least i'm reading
3. I learned a lot about plants. and wrote the information down.
at least when i'm better I'll be able to use it more efficiently than now (as a distraction)
i think that's it. i just really wish I could speak to a T and maybe unpack the detachment stuff a little better.
shouldn't write this at work in front of students but i just got so frustrated.
cptsd is so * frustrating!! the littlest things become so * difficult it's so agitating! i can't even pick up my flipping driver's manual and read it so i can at least go get my permit! something I should have gotten last october! or january like i originally planned! or end of february! march!!
i hate my * father for doing this to me. he could have gone his entire life not abusing me. he could have been there for me, enforced the supposed fact that he loves me and cares about me and the person that I was and was going to grow up to be but he DIDN'T. at all. and now he's sucking me in constantly with stupid smalltalk in the car ride to work. like i give a whole crap about the weather or the fact that he's tired from doing taxes till 2am! like i care about his customers who he seems to know more about than me! that's cool! whatever
and my MOM who enables him! can't stand up to him. and never will. not for my sake or bro's sake or her own sake! i don't know what happened but i can't fix it. i can't control her and i can't ask her to do anything. i know she won't do anything because even after spending a week of overtime lunchbreaks in her office crying my * EYES out about my abuse! about having complex trauma, she didn't do ANYTHING!!! EVERYTHING'S BACK TO * NORMAL and it's a really HORRIBLE NORMAL. thanks for that! and i'm supposed to genuinely in my fake * detached as * heart am supposed to believe she loves me. how? what has changed?! how am i supposed to believe either of them love me! when i had to say right in front of them that dad's not abusive!! that i just jump to conclusions and assume things! thank you!! my great and wonderful parents.
i don't even know where to begin with my brother. rotten one day and a funboy the next day. i can't even say whether he loves me either. constantly explicitly and implicitly telling me i don't matter. that my feelings to mean * to him. i can't say that he used me and my kindness but i feel like i am just a box of that to him. a box of kindness and compassion and understanding that he can go to and take from but not give back. all the times i've felt worthless, TOLD HIM i felt worthless because of what he's said or how he's treated me. no change! thank you for being the great older brother that you are! thank you for everything. for repeating your trauma from dad onto me! thanks for that! thanks for the guilt (you too mom and dad!)
i can't even live my freaking life at all because of trauma. all the layers of abuse and i guess secondary abuse! secondhand? who cares. everything they've done and said to me. the way they ALLOWED me to feel the horrible things i feel. the fact that i can't even pull myself of the usually longlasting slump that i've been in since my birthday passed. since before that actually. what the * kind of family lets their kid's birthday be sad and miserable. my family is such * but it's such a confusing * because most of the time these days there isn't fighting and yelling. no blatant abuse. so i have to feel guilty for hating them so much, for ruining my life that i can't even fix by myself because i'm not equipped for it! who the * would be equipped?!! after living this life!?
why the * do we have to suffer? i'm so freaking tired of this. i'm so tired of being here and i'm tired of going in this circle of motivation demotivation that i can't get out of unless i fake myself out of it. even then that doesn't even WORK for me! i can't even FAKE right and faking is the only thing i've really been good at it seems.
honestly i hate this * job so much i wish they'd just fire me i hope they're watching as i'm writing this and just drag me out this building. every student here makes me so angry as if them forgetting their * is my fault! wasting my time! this job doesn't pay me enough and they should just fire me so my other two coworkers who probably couldn't give two shits about the rules can deal with them. im tired of this place. 3 years and i've gained nothing.
an hour later, i'm feeling better. listened to the Wonderful! podcast during lunch (and ate my lunch and read) and felt better almost immediately. the podcast is one of my self care things, just listening to this couple talk about all the little wonderful things that makes their lives wonderful. kind of reminded me to appreciate the small things.
maybe like the fact that i knew i was seething by the time i got to lunch break and had this urge to not eat. but i ate regardless.
the mindset of "doing it anyway" seems to work sometimes. especially if it's a productive thing like making sure i eat. still can't shake the feeling of this being fake and not lasting long enough to get me back in the habit of things. a better habit.
notes (if i can remember to update as the day passes that'd be great):
1. Emotional abuse conditions the child to expect abuse in later life (http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html)
seem to forget this every now and then, during good times and bad. realized this can help explain why i go into daydream modes where i'm just visualizing my friends doing/saying awful things to me, just continuously being on the receiving end of pain.
2. Some emotionally abused children are programmed to fail so effectively that a part of their own personality "self-parents" by belittling and humiliating themselves.
3. need to go back to a "i know i deserve better" and work on that. i'm getting complacent just because things aren't violent or otherwise stressful
also realized. yesterday after taxes and seeing how much i owe, i went upstairs to cry (over the reality that the money to help me move out was going to be depleted and that i couldn't ever move out. i could have done with some self-soothing and reassuring that that wouldn't be the case and that jumping to drasticizing so quickly was unhelpful). F called me down and said they'd both help me pay half of it and that i'd pay the rest.
what i should realize immediately is that that ISN'T love... it's a weird thing to "realize" and i feel a bit awful to even "go there" but it isn't a sign of love. especially the love i wish i could have. and this help doesn't erase what's happened. if anything it can be used against me later as "proof of ungratefulness." i think i'm a little too detached to appreciate the gesture of my parents helping me. (i'm a little too detached for a lot of things).
Hi Tea-the-artist,
I hope you don't mind my entry in your Journal today - but I just wanted to say that I read some of your writings yesterday, and I felt humbled by your ability to express your feelings, and I wished that I could do so in the way I saw you doing. Reading what you wrote, helped me though.
I just wanted to say that, and I think your notes that you wrote are so insightful.
Hope :)
thanks a bunch hope :) I never mind comments in my journal since I visualize them as post-it notes in my physical journal.
I realize rereading what I wrote I haven't been angry like that in a while. really in a long time. and I also realized that I might confused anger for sadness sometimes. when my brother is hurtful to me, it feels like I'm angry, but I'm really sad over the mistreatment. sad and feeling unloved, instead of angry at his actions (and angrily and compassionately self-preserving). this reminds me to look more into angering.
I think... maybe my frustration with complex trauma, the fact that I don't need to have these layers of trauma, is something real. genuine that I can look at. that's how I feel now at least.
that frustration is the realest thing I've felt while recovering and peeling off these layers. like I know "why" I do these things and feel certain ways. but also, "why do I have to!?" it's annoying to say the least (and most genuine). because I have things to do and these layers of trauma are getting in my way!!
today's notes (to be continuously updated):
1. coworker got me hyped for gardening again.
i don't want to think about whether or not it's fake or not going to last. right now i'm excited to go home and learn!
i'm scared though. i realized i haven't planted with M because... gardening is a long term thing. which means... if I start, i will stay home. i won't be able to bring myself to leave "because i've already begun gardening with M. so why would I leave?"
possible response: M is a grown up and can handle (should?) her own feelings about me leaving. even if I already started gardening with her.
--edit: i mean.. the other reality is that i'm not OBLIGATED to garden with M. last summer she said "who am i gonna do girl talk/things with when you leave?" it just.. sounds like quiet guilting and that isn't fair to me. especially when she knows my position and my desperation to leave!
--
I thought about the possibility of visiting after moving. checking up on the garden. staying a weekend to help out. but that's... too easy. or hard. not a good idea for someone who needs to recover. needs the distance. (the other day I told her I needed a vacation. what i meant was "I need a vacation away from this family.")
--edit: also I realize gardening is one of the ways we bond. didn't think about that before. but still. it doesn't change what's happened, what she's said, etc.
--
haven't talked to MG or Pansy about much gardening with them. it is a healing thing for me it seems. taking care of fragile flowers (and even the sturdy ones like Morning Glories. i love them!). it might be nice to bring up. or put in my physical journal what i'd like to grow. make a map of the apartment layout and determine what will thrive where).
2. investigate angering some more.
F paid for both my tax money orders. $170 I get to save. told M last night it was like he's trying to buy my soul. she asked what that was supposed to mean but I didn't answer. but I know he's going to hold it over me. one day. maybe not today. but one day, when I "catch an attitude" he's going to say "THIS is how you talk to me? after I spent my own money for your tax returns?! you are ungrateful." blah blah :blahblahblah: whatever... still need to remember that paying for my tax returns DOES NOT EQUATE TO LOVE!!
--edit: somethin to think about. i was struggling with this thought earlier. considering M also told me F didn't want me to have to pay the whole amount (even tho we agreed to both pay for one money order each). it got me feeling "huh. maybe i'm really awful for this ungratefulness actually." i know it doesn't equate love. i guess if the ungratefulness or "attitude catching" arises, it wouldn't be because i'm ungrateful, but because part of me seriously knows i deserve to be respected, treated well. likely any attitude i catch is a fight response trying to awaken.
--
it is sad to say I'm unsure what genuine love really is. other than what I feel for bro. a compassion that stems from acknowledging that he doesn't deserve pain, and that I am able to brighten things for him. try as I might, I also seem to get it twisted that those efforts will be reciprocated back to me. nope. :thumbdown: GOTTA REALIZE THAT!!
it just doesn't work that way it seems. like... thinking that my attempted examples of compassion and kindness and sister-mom role for him will change him to adopt those things. it's weird. to think that it just doesn't work like that. it actually really sucks. really * sucks. like... me being nice. caring. understanding. patient. how weird is that?
really. how weird. why did i think this? I really thought oh maybe I could parent him. fill the role of M and F for him. he will learn to do better, treat himself (and me) better. will learn patience and understanding. will learn his own self care because he sees me caring for him. or trying. but that's not how it works.
i mean. if that WAS how it worked, wouldn't narcs change? couldn't literally anybody change?
couldn't I change? my friends have decided that they want to share their home with me. genuinely want me to be there (always telling me "when you move in, we're gonna bake so much!" or "i bet we're just gonna be texting each other weird pics and memes when you move in. even if we're all in the living room together"). but, clearly, that love and kindness (AND PATIENCE!!) isn't really going onto me. i'm not really learning from their actions.
it's like. my layers of trauma... they're reflecting those compassionate actions OFF of me. but not reflecting in a bounce back kind of way. just reflecting off and fading away. OH!!
I see. I think. the fading away. that's why validation doesn't help. why it doesn't last forever. it's like it vibrates around me, vibrating on the layers of trauma, and then floats away. it doesn't stay with me. am i understanding this? this is how i visualize it.
(those vibrations! it's like... the validation (or even other forms of compassion), my layers of trauma are a little weakened. just a little. enough for me to want to feel that goodness. to believe i deserve it. that's why i feel it for a bit. why it feels good to know i'm doing a good job at something. it's like a deep deep want for it to be true. for it to FINALLY apply to me. that's the vibrations. but they bounce off and fade away)
but all the actions of others that reminds me of trauma, they get absorbed. into the layer of trauma that resembles that action. emotional abuse. neglect. abandonment. and because it's ABSORBED, it gets REINFORCED! oh that makes sense.
so... in terms of bro... my actions of compassion. they aren't really breaking down any of his layers of trauma. if anything, my actions are REINFORCING THINGS FOR HIM!!! not that... i don't think... not that I'm being traumatic to him. but I am doing the same things I did when I was 8. same actions. not really the same person. but. I basically am, to him.
it's like... it's really like we both have not changed. i know i've learned a lot. but really, our actions are just the same as they were a decade ago. maybe even two decades ago (for me).
this is interesting i guess. more so ... maybe groundbreaking? i'm close, not there, but i'm seeing that what I'm doing "for him" is actually reinforcing so many things. he gets to act the same and treat me the same. because i still let him. which isn't inherently my fault. something learned so early. but still needs to be unlearned. reprogrammed into different behavior and actions. it is like we're both as a unit living through our younger days, through the trauma. we're in the same roles. we really aren't changing. even though we've learned many things and many skills over the years (relating and not relating to trauma). so even when he does get his driver's license this year, what will have changed to help him grow?
and even if i do move out this year, what will have changed? well.. for starters it's that I found a way to move out. confidence or an impulsive desire for self-protection (an impulse of the fight response that has remained dormant all my life). regardless of how, I think that's still something. but still. i have to remember to not go back to old roles. not with my friends, not with any intimate people and not with any others. gotta remember that.
i think the better question is, if i too get my license, what has changed? the fact that i will be able to drive. not necessarily independence. moving is something so much different. definitely i think an independence. a better freedom. even though they say trauma tends to follow. it will be different. i think... in a way, i hope i will be able to differentiate other people from my family. be able to manage EFs better.
so those roles. with bro. and M and F. it's gotta go. every last bit of it has to go. even the compassion. it's gotta be a different, completely remade. not updated. maybe. i don't think using any of the old methods, habits, etc will be helpful. perhaps i can look at it as a continuous updating that eventually will contain none of the past aspects. starting new may be tricky.
but it's still gotta go. that mindset is helpful. if it's not working, gotta get rid of it somehow. if it means fixing it into something completely new then good.
but i see.. i'm not really helping bro. as. frustrating as he is.
Pansy was right. it's possible that after moving he may see me do that and be moved to do something as well. i can't keep this role up. it's futile.
my sister-mom role is absolutely futile. so many "chances" did not prove to become anything. my attempts to change him weren't any good. and will not be any good. my compassion isn't going to be reciprocated. instead i'm reinforcing his behavior. letting him stay the same, back to our days of constant trauma. that's not really fair to either of us.
that really sucks still. it's a hard truth. i'm not going to get love by doing what i'm doing. love should already be there. and i can't see it and that sucks too. but i gotta move forward.
repeating some things so i don't forget.
i'm still playing the role of sister-mom. the role i picked up when i was 8. i'm still reinforcing bro's behaviors, and unfortunately bad treatment towards me. nothing i do, no amount of compassion and care i give to him, will change this. nor will it change him and his behaviors. i tried to replace M and F. to somehow adopt the traits of a potentially good parent, and give love and care to bro.
but that's now how it works. it's never going to really work. i should note to self that even the thanks i was given on his 28th birthday two years ago is not proof that it could work. or that i should have kept up my role.
i don't think there's anything wrong with giving him compassion, but truthfully.
honestly, i think that compassion should have been directed to myself first. if i was so determined to be an example, then loving myself and caring for myself and not letting others hurt and walk over me would have been the way to go. should have. that would have been a better way for him to see me as an example.
i could do that now, but for my own sake. he still has to find his own way without me holding his hand. i think that's ok. its gonna hurt, and it's gonna feel like abandonment. but the reality is that it's not. it's important for me to note this. me going away to heal, peel away layers of trauma and abuse, and love myself isn't abandoning him. and that's hurtful to himself for him to think that. and hurtful to me to think as well as i spent so much of my life feeling guilt.
so this sister-mom role has to go. it's not abandoning him. it's recreating what my compassion for others is, in a healthier way.
it's going to be weird trying to implement this. because it needs to happen now. i'm not sure where to start. or stop.
F just came storming out their room. it's kind of terrifying. I haven't heard him this angry in a while
I wonder if this is a child thing. he was yelling on the phone at whom I assume to be people to do with bills and I got this feeling that I'd done something. I had started paying the balance at my first college just to whittle it down monthly. but I got the feeling that doing that was causing my parents problems with bills. or them paying my loan.
I don't even know how that'd work or make sense but I just felt like my trying to take initiative was going to ruin things like I always do.
that's not a helpful thought. neither is assuming I did something wrong or that the yelling was anything to do with me.
I just feel really small. I didn't tell F I started paying the balance. that's another strike against me.
I closed my door trying to tell myself it was nothing to do with me. I could sense I was feeling a quiet scaredness. like maybe it was Little Tea, like maybe I could protect her by closing the door. but F stomping shook me a bit. it really felt like he was coming after me :'(
but I know he didn't and I know he isn't. it's got to do with their bills is what I assume for now. the uncertainty really hurts and is scary because what if I'm wrong and it has to do with loans and the current balance due changing because I paid something last month?
I don't want to keep listening to verify. but I'm listening now. none of the numbers sound familiar. I know this isn't helpful but I can't help listening to make sure it wasn't my fault.
I've done this for years. never realized it until just now. I'm gonna try to stop listening and do some self care if I can.
Dear tea,
In this post about your F storming around and you feeling small - it sounds as if you've gone into EF mode. (M or B1 storming around does that to me too). I hope you manage some self-care because that can be a good way out. You have examples of self-care (Little Tea care) in your signature :) but maybe something else would be useful idk.
Both in this post and the ones above, there are a lot of realisations. :cheer: That's all progress!
I don't live with FOO anymore but I get some financial help that i'm trying to move off or at least reduce, but that's fraught with problems atm. I have impulses to do things and then pull back. I think of that when I read your longer post, like about the gardening or moving in with your friends sometime.
But you are moving forward! I see that. That's the main thing. Even if we shilly-shally around somewhere for a bit and go into reverse. :hug: :hug:
Quote from: Blueberry on April 18, 2018, 12:54:49 PM
it sounds as if you've gone into EF mode. (M or B1 storming around does that to me too). I hope you manage some self-care because that can be a good way out. You have examples of self-care (Little Tea care) in your signature :) but maybe something else would be useful idk.
you're very right blueberry. i could tell it was an EF. did make myself some oatmeal (i realized recently that this is a comfort food) and listened to Wonderful!. I was so afraid of leaving my room but i was able to, constantly telling myself "this is my house too! i live here too! i should be able to walk around freely! i'm not a prisoner *stomps a little downstairs to grab the milk*"
And it turned out of course it had nothing to do with me. completely unrelated bills for non-house/loan things. :thumbup: today F acted like "normal" but for the most part I ignored him, still mad that he terrified Little Tea yesterday.
thank you for seeing my progress blueberry! it really made me sit and think a little harder about seeing it myself too.
just a thought. i can't figure how to write this. or... i think if i were to think about myself in 2016 again. just before i saw "CPTSD" in a friend's post, and even further back to 2014 before I saw the "signs you may be hypervigilant," and seeing that awful and violent video that kickstarted my attention to learning social justice. even further to 2012 before reading "the 4 letter word" essay that prompted me to jump into feminism.
i think.. if none of those things came across my view I'd be in a very bad place. I often don't realize the power of having words for the pain. pain I felt myself and pain I saw others in. with out those things, I wouldn't be able to explain or even recognize that F is hurtful to me.
especially considering in my teen journals I had so much self-blame and self-belittling. thinking I just needed to talk quieter so I wouldn't get in trouble.
without those words, feminism and social justice, I wouldn't be able to recognize my internalized misogyny and racism that developed quickly in high school and it wouldn't have tapered off in college. I would blame my own people for their suffering. I'd even blame myself for anything that'd happen.
without those words, without a character in a cartoon to even RESEMBLE it, I wouldn't recognize my past and current sufferings as trauma. Caused by abuse. I'm still forever thankful for this character, he has a special place in my heart. I wouldn't know anything about complex trauma, how it differs from ptsd. and I wouldn't have found my way here, just a few months after seeing this character strive to be the best he could be while he recognized his trauma. I think about him a lot.
and now I think about the kind of person I'd be today. I hate to say it but perhaps I'd be a zombie. even though I'm still dealing with auto-pilot, I can't say i'm a zombie now. even the coasting. at least i'm aware of what's going on. parts of me are still fighting to get through and change things. Tea at 25, without all the knowledge I've gained, who are they? certainly not convinced by "corny" self care. absolutely catering to bro's every whim. unaware. still self-blaming. self-guilting and falling for the guilt placed on them by their family. that's Tea at 25 with none of this knowledge.
so realistically. logically. I know things are so different. i know a lot hasn't changed. I'd like to get back up on my feet now, and try again. but there's still a small small but strong part within me that is too scared to do this. i hate thinking i'm lazy, but also hate thinking i may be depressed (without having any diagnosis... though swiftly self diagnosed cptsd).
i just have to get through this. it feels like the last leg, somehow. like. this is the year. maybe. hopefully. i want to be gentle but i also want to just pick myself up and do a 27 mile dash to the apartment without thinking of the consequences. without thinking of the guilt and whatever pain FOO will feel. just doing that dang thing and dealing with it when i get there. well thought out plans... never worked for me. somehow i end up self-sabotaging my way out. i'm spontaneous but i hate surprises thrust upon me. not sure how that makes sense... but that's where i'm at.
other things/notes:
1. meditating!
it's going... 3 days in a row so far with this app. it's an interesting practice that's helping me remember to let my thoughts go and just observe them. not chase them. I realize that's why I always feel like a jumbled mess of thoughts. i'm always chasing them. i'm learning to focus on body, scanning it for points of contact, comfort and discomfort. similar to the Interactive Self Care Guide (http://philome.la/jace_harr/you-feel-like-*-an-interactive-self-care-guide/play). It's encouraging me to keep practice, that it's not about getting rid of thoughts. To "gently bring the mind back" to my focus. Which in my mind sounds like a "nooo" that you'd give a pet trying to do something it shouldn't.
2. spring is not here :( not yet..
i really am a plant. feeling like the weather controls me. I can't make my own sunshine all the time. so I am sad to see more forecasts for snow. even if it rained I would be so much happier. because i'd think about all the grass and perennial flowers and plants getting a nice watering so they are encouraged to come back and thrive again.
I did just get this idea. to look at things that make me feel surrounded by spring. i've been doing my own personal gardening in my room, brought in some new plants and have propagated some too. maybe more flower gazing will help. at least i'm still adding to my knowledge of botanical science too.
3.
REMINDER: sister-mom role still has to go. can't keep catering to bro. much of my actions are enabling the bad relationship that developed since childhood and that's not healthy!the fantasy that my actions will help bro be nicer and compassionate towards me eventually is not healthy. and it is false. and most importantly that is NOT HOW IT WORKS! i know this is the same for F, and I have long since stopped trying to be his Good Girl.. the Golden Child that never actually receives the adequate love required to thrive (as the other traumatized child seems to not realize or understand!... in my case at least!).
he doesn't care about my interests. despite me spending lots and lots of time interested in his interests, and caring about seeing him grow and thrive and be the best creator he can be. ha, maybe i ought to ask him "hey why don't you care?!" that might shock him a bit :P
so I have to be more invested in my own interests. somehow I have to create my own sunshine, even though it's hard right now.
i'm giving him so much of my energy and sunshine and not using any of it for myself!! HOW AWFUL! a re-realization! :( i hate that! he can't even reciprocate so I am left basically depleted. a sad fact in the life of a sister-mom.
so...
create my own sunshine. bring spring to myself while Mother Earth's northern hemisphere takes its time in returning to warmth.
some ways to do this:
A. spend time with myself... helpfully.
doesn't mean come home, close door and space out to a podcast or lie down and sleep.
it means come home or wake up, pay attention to myself. see myself. just a check up. how am I doing? bad? how could it be better without zoning out?
be invested in myself. perhaps even the same way I am with bro. that means:
- looking at things that inspire me
- have a laugh with myself (not immediately go show brow, only to be saddened that he couldn't give two *)
B. spring is a time of renewal, so do things that make me feel like new again
- waking up at 7 or 8AM, showering and starting the day! it always works
- do my proper Spring cleaning! finish it! do it for Little Tea because she lives in my space too!
- plant new seeds. plant my morning glories. if I end up moving out, what in the world is stopping me from bringing them with me!? it is an excuse to say I can't just because they have grown 4 feet! i can do whatever I want and that includes carrying a 4 foot morning glory to the car on move out day. WHATEVER!
- look into renewing the energy in my room. this green magic book has me inspired to clean the energy. at least try, and believe that i'm sweeping the old gunk away.
just one thing at a time. but writing this was motivating. gotta keep working. i'm moving forward. so I have to acknowledge that and keep on moving.
Quote from: tea-the-artist on March 20, 2018, 03:22:00 PM
just a random note to self, I remembered this morning I daydreamed about telling my friends I told F I was going to move out. "I didn't say I wanted to or that I was thinking about it. I just said I was going to move out" and visualized a short block of time where F was saying or yelling things to me, and imagined myself tuning out, almost disappearing. that's something. I've been thinking about it a lot. M has a new job and bro is taking driving lessons from F so everyone's... doing something. better for their future. thinking hard about themselves. in my own way I'm happy for them. that's good for them. despite everything, they ought to. but i ought to as well. when i get there.
remember this!
--
other notes:
1. self parenting means replacing the parent(s)' role in caring for me.
in most cases for non-traumatized people, it'd mean doing what your parents did to make sure you were healthy and happy and thriving. pushing yourself. doing the necessary. etc.
in this case of trauma, it means rejecting what my parents did. and acknowledging that the bare minimum of parenting wasn't enough.
- it means reminding myself i am loved, by me, my own parent.
- taking the place of my parents and doing what they should have done. pushing me to excel healthily and knowing my limits (and validating those limits).
- being there for myself in both my highs and lows. encouraging and harvesting a "space" to get back on my feet and try again. try again differently.
- reassuring that failing doesn't mean i'm the worst and most horrible person in the world.
- self-conversations in discipline. if I said i'd do X and i didn't do X, I need to have a conversation about why. get to the root of it, instead of solely acknowledging the fact that I didn't do the thing. come up with solutions
Quote from: tea-the-artist on April 18, 2018, 04:38:25 PM
1. self parenting means replacing the parent(s)' role in caring for me.
in most cases for non-traumatized people, it'd mean doing what your parents did to make sure you were healthy and happy and thriving. pushing yourself. doing the necessary. etc.
in this case of trauma, it means rejecting what my parents did. and acknowledging that the bare minimum of parenting wasn't enough.
- it means reminding myself i am loved, by me, my own parent.
- taking the place of my parents and doing what they should have done. pushing me to excel healthily and knowing my limits (and validating those limits).
- being there for myself in both my highs and lows. encouraging and harvesting a "space" to get back on my feet and try again. try again differently.
- reassuring that failing doesn't mean i'm the worst and most horrible person in the world.
- self-conversations in discipline. if I said i'd do X and i didn't do X, I need to have a conversation about why. get to the root of it, instead of solely acknowledging the fact that I didn't do the thing. come up with solutions
I could sure take a leaf out of your book here, tea! Great ideas.
Hi tea, I've been reading your posts. I was just a little too tired to say something before, but I'm stronger now. :heythere:
That's some wonderful self care there, Tea. I've tried meditation too, and to me the best thing is the simplicity of it. How much it creates large results just by very simple instructions done over and over. It's lovely. It's a great thing to find a hobby in gardening. I'm not much of an outside person (I hope I can be though. Can't seem to get the point of it and the Healing Porch makes no sense to me. :Idunno: ), but I see how people here have found calmness through nature. I hope I can learn much about that love through hearing from you, Tea.
I also relate to how you said that putting things into words really helps recovery. I remember in the novel 1984, the oppressive government tried to take away others' freethinking by banning words from the dictionary, and creating a much more simplified language. It was ideas that helped them to realize the dangers the world has shown them, and they took it away. I hope you can gain the freedom of words from your parents though, Tea.
:hug:
haha blueberry feel free tbh ;) thankya!
DR! glad you're reading! you don't have to feel obligated to respond (whether your tired or feeling up to it). I hope you're doin well :hug:
Quote from: DecimalRocket on April 19, 2018, 02:39:21 AM
That's some wonderful self care there, Tea. I've tried meditation too, and to me the best thing is the simplicity of it. How much it creates large results just by very simple instructions done over and over. It's lovely.
I agree! I think this simplicity may be why I've been able to stick with it, instead of overwhelming myself with elaborate details to get tangled in. And the repeated instructions every day (using Headspace right now) really helps my "rebel-never-listenin'-self" to remember what to do when I'm not meditating and just going about my every day life. Bringing attention back to my focus when the swarm of unrelated thoughts makes itself known.
Quote from: DecimalRocket on April 19, 2018, 02:39:21 AM
It's a great thing to find a hobby in gardening. I'm not much of an outside person (I hope I can be though. Can't seem to get the point of it [gardening] and the Healing Porch makes no sense to me. :Idunno: ), but I see how people here have found calmness through nature. I hope I can learn much about that love through hearing from you, Tea.
hey no worries! for me gardening never made sense to me much when I was younger. didn't start till 2014 and it gave me an idea for a art story I wanted to tell (long story short, about portraying people like myself as having the ability to be "soft" and "having emotions other than anger" or whatever stigmas and stereotypes there are. I wanted to combat all that and gardening helped me find that. and I started gaining an appreciation in all the types of flowers and just feeling so at ease looking at them and RESEARCHING them lol.
of course this is just one perspective, just mine, and that gardening and outdoor life is different for everyone. I don't really like the outdoors much since it gets badly humid here in the summer, but I still seem drawn to it every year (I think this is why I've come back to researching the green path again).
personally, I haven't gotten a chance to stick around the Healing Porch yet. I was able to visualize for a bit once but I think my brain wasn't having it that day. And I do a lot of daydreaming on my own so maybe it feels unnecessary for me now. but I do like that it's not an obligation for us, so I try not to feel to bad that I decided not to stick it through. but DR we find calmness in many sorts of things. One of the ways I actually "found" calmness in nature was playing this game (Twilight Princess) and being so in love with the nature in it. it's one of the reasons I love Spring so much and why it's a game I like to play every time the warmth of Spring finally comes around :) it's comforting, but again just one perspective! you will find yours too, whether in nature or something else you find calming. :thumbup: :hug:
Quotebeing there for myself in both my highs and lows. encouraging and harvesting a "space" to get back on my feet and try again. try again differently.
I think that's the theme for this past two weeks.
yesterday I did a great deal of Spring cleaning. thoroughly cleaned everything in my room but didn't get to my bed due to grocery shopping. bro dragged me in and threw me back out REPEATEDLY while we shopped. I was so aggravated. I could see the little boy tugging my jacket asking for forgiveness without addressing what he did. I could see it and that made me so mad.
ANYWAY. getting home I got angry again getting a barrage of texts from my long time best friend. Tuesday was her birthday and today I'm seeing her. I should be happy but I didn't plan. I wish I texted her earlier so I knew what day she'd be back home. her texts got me frustrated a bit, the usual "you better text me back!" within a minute of the previous text. and a "...." a minute later after that. I had so much to do in putting groceries away and finish the dishes. It would have been better to text her to let her know I was in the middle of something.
instead I did my awful thing of lying... I don't want to address it now. Or today. there's a thread for that I saw the other day that might help me get started in organizing thoughts.
we eventually chatted and it was fine. I badly wanted to tell her that when she texts me and doesn't get a response within a minute and texts me that I need to respond, it really stresses me out. I guess I can't say anything since I am not great at responding to her sometimes. I usually am. I don't think she believes that, so I'll try harder. I hate that I get tense when she texts me. Regardless I love her and am happy to see her and go shopping today.
meditating was AWFUL! head wasn't right. felt very heavy. couldn't focus very well. kept thinking about needing to take the arm rests off of it. and that I could only hear out of my one earbud. but that's just today. I think I'll be fine. that's just the thing, harvesting a space where I can get back up. Tomorrow will be day 8 and I'll get back on my feet and be a little more focused.
I'm also thinking of asking my new doc if she knows anything on T's I could go to. I don't know if it's covered. I should ask M eventually. I just want to maybe start to get talking about it. Just to bring it up so if she does have any info for me, she can point me in the right direction.
Last night before bed was rough. Was in the middle of an awful daydream/drastic visualization of venting to Pansy and MG in their apartment about an event that hasn't and likely won't happen. That a doc told me he 99% thought I should see a T. And how it hurt hearing that, even though I knew it myself. And that I told bro and he couldn't care less. And telling F and him saying "there's no reason to. it's not like your crazy or anything." I don't know why I visualized that. that one hurt the most. I "told" them, it hurt so much because it came from the person who abused me this whole time. that it felt like that time a couple summers back when I had to tell my family that F isn't abusive and that I jump to conclusions.
in the end I lied my head on the table and just cried (in reality as well of course) that I was so tired. and I am. got me thinking again that I can't really keep this up. I think grocery shopping with bro took that toll on me.
i know I can't keep doing this. but I seem to be proving myself wrong every time I think about it. two and a half years now. but I know I've learned a lot, so there's no reason to say I haven't made any progress towards moving. gaining knowledge is still progress.
notes/reminders:
1. trip is postponed to tomorrow. because of my lying. that's really awful of me. i don't know how many times i feel like i have to do this to protect myself. i don't want to think of myself as an awful person. and that this is one of the more awful and unhelpful things i do to cope and self-protect (if anything it's often self-isolating). i don't want to address it now. i don't want to think about being a really awful person to the people that care about me and do most of the work to keep in touch with me. it's making me sad, like this is my true self and i don't want it to be like this. i wanted to spring clean this stuff away too, not just my physical space for me and Little Tea. and what about her? this isn't good reparenting. im feeling more like my parents when i was much much younger and I'm supposed to be rejecting that. am I trying?
tea, if i may, it sounds like you're being so very hard on yourself. one thing after another, boom, boom, boom. you aren't a bad person at all. you're doing what you need to do right now to take care of yourself the only way you know how. eventually, as you continue learning, you'll be able to do things differently.
a t may not be a bad idea, especially to help you with that learning process. i'd guess you were taught to lie, and, being bright and intelligent, you learned that easily and well. so, i'd also guess that you'll be able to un-learn the things you don't want to continue. it may take a bit of time, work, and determination, but i believe you've got all those attributes, and make use of them when you need to.
not to think about it now, but when you're ready. we all get ready in different ways, at different times. yours will come, of that i have no doubt. for now, safe and warm hug to you, and love.
Quote from: tea-the-artist on April 21, 2018, 04:39:33 PM
wanted to spring clean this stuff away too, not just my physical space for me and Little Tea. and what about her? this isn't good reparenting. im feeling more like my parents when i was much much younger and I'm supposed to be rejecting that. am I trying?
Yes, you are trying tea! You're working really hard. Tho I do understand the self-doubt because that's where I am too atm. I used to harangue myself when doing IC work, that I was treating my inner children no better than my parents treated me. But I stopped. Picturing inner children and trying to do things for them was a useful tool, but they aren't real children, they're a part of our present person. So I don't need to be a better parent than own real parents all the time.
Maybe you just need a rest for a bit. Two steps forward, one back and all that. Going back for a bit seems pretty normal in healing. I tend to go backwards when I've been expecting too much of myself too fast. Idk that that's what you're doing but it's possible.
:hug: :hug:
thank you san for saying those things. it's a good reality check. i didn't realize in almost each post i was adding to the list of things that's "wrong" with me or that i couldn't accomplish "properly" etc etc etc. i even have the urge to scold myself for it, but i know better. that's how i grew up.
come to think of it i can't recall FOO ever... sitting with me and telling me things they liked about me (even as the mythical Golden Child). I think that plays a big part in why validation and praise is still again so hard to get through/break off the layers of my trauma.
and thank you too blue. it's really hard to see clearly (and to even realize i'm not seeing clearly). you are right that ICs aren't real children. i was thinking about your words earlier and my gut reaction was "but I WAS a real child!" but that child is now an adult. and the inner child isn't tangible. perhaps I took the "child" part of IC very seriously and felt like I was abandoning a child that doesn't exist but in my own self.
resting is another hard concept for me. but I will figure it out. i did get to nap in the sun today and that was refreshing and helped me rethink some things while i spent time with myself.
i would like to just type until i get tired, but i'd like to think some more on FOO's lack of concrete praise.
i think this ties in with the Guilt of FOG in that having the label as the golden child, being thought of as the lucky one (as if there is any real luck when you've got a narc F and an enabling but kind M). there comes a great deal of guilt in just FEELING like no one praised you at all (I can't remember it!). even absolutely knowing there was little to no praise, validation and such.
so it really does hurt when i think of that label. what is golden in the life of the kid who got "less" abused. i recently been feeling like i'm circling back to believing my abuse wasn't that bad. donno how i got back there. i'm seeing it though.
i'm also seeing it's just NOT true. not fair for me to believe, not fair for others to believe either. there was no doting on me because I'd certainly act like it! and for the RECORD! the good deeds i did... if I didn't do them, all love was withdrawn from me. and there would be no reinforcement of love that's supposed to be there! so no i don't flipping think there was any gold in my life! i know bro still believes there was and probably still is.
but i'm too tired to prove him otherwise. that's not really my job. to convince him i was abused too. i mean. he was there. i think if he had any real compassionate consideration for me he'd see it too. and would understand some of my actions.
so it's not my job to prove to him i wasn't the golden child he thought i got to be.
and there's no real golden child with that kind of F. looking deeply, there could never be. because even if that child did all the good deeds... was perfect at always doing those good deeds (AKA being good enough for the narc), one slip up and all that gold is taken away. and we aren't perfect people. so it is so so hard to maintain whatever gold we get. most of the time i got coal anyway because of my "smart mouth" and rare unwillingness to be talked to like trash.
repeat! it's not my job to prove i was abused to bro. or anyone for that matter! i know what i know. i remember what i can!
it was bad and i know it. i know it because of this deep sadness i feel so many times. a deep sadness over the deep emptiness, that something's missing. it was bad and i know it and i believe it to be true regardless of how bro treats me. i'll remember this. i don't have to air out to him all of the bad times. he would so quickly talk over me and make the whole thing about himself! with a false promise of listening to me more and to stop invalidating me. he couldn't keep that promise.
i shouldn't have to feel guilty of being aware of my abuse and acknowledging it as "bad." all abuse is bad. whether it lasted a year or 25. i didn't get any security in my life other than a roof over my head (and that was even threatened when they broke my privacy i HATE them for it! to scare me, at 13 years old! for swearing in MY PRIVATE JOURNALS! i hate them for that. to threaten to send me away! for something so petty! to threaten to send away a HELPLESS kid. to some vague unknown detention center i hate hate HATE THEM FOR THAT!! i hate how scared they made me. how could they :( i didn't deserve that.)
i hate that i had no security in anything. in being good enough or being in a home of people who loved me no matter what, unconditionally.
i deserved to have security. to feel attached to them healthily. to feel secure enough to go to them for troubles and for joy. to ease my pain and uplift me the way i tried to uplift them.
that's just the thing. again. no reciprocation. how would they like it... if i stopped!? not so much i don't think! they would hate me, the way i hate them for hurting me and abandoning me and constantly constantly making me feel so so unlovable!
again! HOW COULD THEY!! make such a young child feel so unlovable. she wasn't unlovable.
to be honest. if i looked at her. i'll grab those photos now.
i just got so incredibly sad looking at them. how could they hurt me like that? so small and unknowing. treated me like i was so undeserving of a beautiful love that families are SUPPOSED TO GIVE! i just look at those photos. of myself. younger than 6 in all of them. how anyone could see me, 2 years old. 3. 4. 5. and for no reason abuse me. decide i didn't need to be comforted when upset. uplifted when down.
there is this photo of me, maybe in 1994. just 2, maybe 3 already. i'm holding a parasol and sitting on a bench. my leg is under my other thigh (like how i tend to sit now at 25).
my smile here in this photo is so big! i wonder what i was laughing or smiling about. those two braids at the sides. probably another in the back. a Spring scene. the outfit is so 90s.
when i look at that photo, i feel like i'm sensing something so genuine. that i haven't felt in a while. maybe a contentment.
i just had this thought, looking at the other photos too. that i have been brought up like an object. i knew this already. didn't strike me so hard as it did now. i'm sure there are none staged photos. i know.
i just wonder.. if FOO ever saw me, so young, and was in awe or appreciation in my life. that i was there. just there. doing something or not doing something. just happy i am there with them.
i'm glad i decided to stick around that senior year in high school. even though it was out of obligation. i have learned so much since.
it feels strange to say i'm glad i stuck around, for the much younger me. with that parasol. i wish i could go into the scene of that photo and pick myself up and hold as tight as comfort would allow us both.
i deserved so much better than what i was given. what little tools i was given. harmful long-lasting tools.
i felt so sad but i'm angry too again, now, at all of them. i look at these photos and think of FOO and wonder how in their heart they could do these things. but i was an object to all of them. shiny (golden). willing to serve. how they could look at me, young and unknowing and decided to hurt me however they wished. and choosing not to defend me.
i see my younger self with that parasol and that big smile and wonder what about me wasn't worth defending. NOTHING!
i was totally worth defending and still am and it's just not fair, so freaking inconvenient to say the absolute least, that i was never defended! never defended to the point of change in myself or someone else's actions.
i'm sorry, to myself, that they did those things. said those things. all of it.
there was no reason for them to, and i refuse to look deeper for them and their sake or benefit of the doubt. because they could not and would not do this for me. past events can't demand future actions against others!
there was no reason for them to see my pain, and not want to do anything to ease it. i deserved so much better.
it's not fair to keep going back and forth with bro. i don't want to tolerate it and one day i will stop tolerating it.
i'm going to take this week off to rest. i have some lab work on saturday that will probably drain me, and my friends' neice's prom send off and that will take a small toll too. going to see where this takes me by sunday morning.
small bit of frustration of the first day off. went looking into the golden child. maybe i don't know enough about that to call myself. is cowering in fear and not helping or defending the scapegoat, while also being doted on..., is that what makes me golden?
or do i still think this lesser abuse is what makes me golden?
well i never went out of my way to side with F to destroy bro. their physical fight in 2011, december. i still remember crying and screaming at F to stop.
we are such... a different case. i don't really know what to call it. i keep reading and disproving my golden-ness. i was and still am grossed at the idea of being F's extension. i am saddened that he'd previously told bro one day me and him would not be as close and tight as we were at the time. i hate that! maybe it is true, but not because i turn against him to side with F. but because i turn to side with myself FOR ONCE! how ugly of F.
--edit i think there's something to be said about... a potential "golden child" turning into the sibling-mom (how did i forget that?) for the scapegoat. maybe golden child isn't my title. bro certainly made it seem like that was the case. i am obsessed with having some label though. i don't need one, but to have one makes me feel able to concretely recall what happened and how. i am not a narcissist. i'm not the narcissist child. (im going now!)
--
i think this plays a big part in why i also keep feeling like i'm a narc. but members here are reassuring me that can't be the case (and that my worry alone completely disproves any "proof" of being a narc! that feels nice to think about. motivating too.)
i want to shush for now since it's my week off to rest up. but every time i get new thoughts or realizations i have to come write it here.
the golden child... i'll look into it again (perhaps i assumed) and learn whatever i learn and leave it at that, reassured or not. i will stick to reading journals quietly and posting in the 3 good things a day thread. that will help keep my spirits up at least. getting to know the members on my own time and recounting and acknowledging that good things happened every day.
really tried part of my best to not post. but i couldn't help it :dramaqueen: (i am in a good enough mood to poke small fun at myself for blabbing and i really like that drama queen emoticon :blahblahblah:)
just a quick realization. i'm finding it hard to read journals. i stayed away in the past mainly because i feel like it's such a private thing. they are open (and i'm sure there are ways to keep them closed or prevent others from responding if possible).
i think my feelings about journaling of course come from my past experience. not to delve too much. i touched on this sometime last year. about journaling feeling like a performance of feelings, instead of an expression. F and M constantly reading my journals, the "I'll always find out" threats kinda geared me towards the habit of spilling everything. NEEDING to be completely open otherwise someone would find out the rest and i'd be the fool.
i think because of that i find it hard to read others' personal thoughts, experiences in their journals. i felt bad about this for very long, posting maybe a few times in support, and seeing that i only came here to journal for myself and ask questions, voice concerns or frustrations or happiness, or support to others if i knew what i wanted to say every now and then. but i also remembered that i do need to take care of myself first. i love helping but i think i'd love it even more when i am stronger, strong enough to provide both support to myself and to others. tis what i'm striving for this week. to resist the urge and rest up and gain some energy.
also remembered one of the guidelines that journaling isn't really so much a discussion. i love all the feedback i've gotten in both my journals. i'm also noting every day that i am writing to express my feelings, not to show off to others (i mean... i can do that in the Successes topic!). like that anger i felt last night, and the sadness. it was not to show them to my friends here. but to release that. put it down on (virtual) paper. validation is good too. i won't forget that.
so i think i'll just stay back for now. maybe completely away for the week. get more in touch with myself and appreciate small things to ground myself a little (napping in the sun and sunset watching yesterday really felt like a different experience than what i've been feeling since November).
I'm glad you're taking some time for yourself, tea. :)
I also found it guilt ridding to create long posts about my own worries, while giving too little back sometmes. When I first came to this forum, I wasn't as active in other people's threads, and it was nearly all used for myself. I was feeling pretty bad too that I didn't have the strength to reach out, but it wasn't really my fault. I didn't have the inner resources for it at the time.
I remember San once told me I didn't have to do anything special just to help out. Just trying to solve through my own issues, having the strength to be vulnerable here, and doing my best. . . You don't know how many people can be inspired or can learn from your efforts, no matter how slow or ignorant you can be about it.
Because everyone here has it slow and rough with their issues too, but to see that even with that, you can make progress? Maybe they can make progress too. So many people have stopped by without saying a word — who knows how it has affected them?
Well, see you. And have a nice break. :)
Tea, I just wanted to say how much I love your tagline about treating myself like I would my daughter. Thanks.
Quote from: DecimalRocket on April 24, 2018, 04:15:36 AM
I remember San once told me I didn't have to do anything special just to help out. Just trying to solve through my own issues, having the strength to be vulnerable here, and doing my best. . . You don't know how many people can be inspired or can learn from your efforts, ,
:yeahthat:
tea, I agree with san and DR here.
Once I felt ashamed of posting "way too much" so I wrote about that concern and got a few responses from mbrs grateful to be able to read my posts. It will be the same with you tea. You will have some fans who read and may comment, or not. I read your Journal for the insights and the similarities to my own struggles.
Journals are more personal and discussions shouldn't take place unless the Journal writer sets one off, but then when you want to stop it, you can say so. It's your Journal, your decision. Same thing if you'd prefer to not get replies, you could put that in the subject line or write it in your next post. I'm not sure that you can lock other members out of your Journal. We can lock a whole topic, but then you'd be locked out too!
"
and seeing that i only came here to journal for myself and ask questions, voice concerns or frustrations or happiness, or support to others if i knew what i wanted to say every now and then. but i also remembered that i do need to take care of myself first. i love helping but i think i'd love it even more when i am stronger, strong enough to provide both support to myself and to others. tis what i'm striving for this week. to resist the urge and rest up and gain some energy."
tea, it has never occurred to me in my Mod role that you're not giving enough or taking too much! You do need to take care of yourself first. it's an important rule on here, with which some of us :whistling: have problems!
being away from the forum and resting for a while can be really good, but it depends on your reasons for it. Please don't think you need to rest and recuperate so that you have more strength for other people on here and then deny yourself the opportunity to post on here though it would do good! If I understand correctly, it#s maybe safer for you to write a journal here than on paper at home?
I have something similar going on.
You and your posts - not a burden on here!! Releasing feelings on the forum is totally legit!!
Even more legit in your Journal
hoo boy.. lots to read, lots to catch up on but i'll save that for when my brain comes back to earth.
it's this weekend or never and that's pretty harsh but really last friday was supposed to be move out day but... again. i'll recount stuff later.
right now, i'm mostly packed. its almost midnight. im stressing over things that aren't packed that i don't have just one more box for. pansy's bringing a box over on the official day (Saturday or Sunday morning) so there's that.
i made the regretable decision of telling M that i would finally.. FINALLY.. ACTUALLY FINALLY be moving out and this time i meant it. i told her last week and of course the guilt poured in and the sad m-faces formed and this last week has just been something else. it's tiring she's "forgotten" as fawns and fawn-freezes tend to "forget the abuse" and stow it away to make way for some high functioning just to get through it. but whatever. this time i know there's nothing i can do about it but it was aggravating. finally tuesday i think, she was on board after i got a bit yell-y. i reached out to pansy feeling like i was becoming F but she reassured me it was the opposite and that she's proud of me standing up to take care of myself first.
my plan was to tell everyone on my move out day. all at once, for like. 5 minutes and then dip. bounce. make like a tree and leaf! so now i have to confront bro and F tomorrow or whenever. i don't know how to do the timing. but this time it's a bit different. and i think typing this out will help me remember.
i reached out to an online friend of mine about my dilemma of planning when to tell them (she actually came up with telling them as late as possible to prioritize my mental health, knowing that packing and moving would be stressful enough and that telling them in advance would really hinder me like last year). she had also told me it's important to expect the same results. they're gonna be hurtful. and abusive. they're gonna not listen to my feelings, they're going to invalidate me and make me feel worthless as they absolutely have done all throughout this last year that i've continued to live here.
to expect anymore from them would hurtful to me, as i've been let down frequently in the past. i know my FOO will not show up for me. i don't even want to entertain the thought that they might, because they won't and that's just that. being hopeful for them is a hindrance and it did me so incredibly wrong!
anyway i have no clue what i'll say. i'd written some things but every time i think about it i start blanking. maybe i should keep it to five minutes. tell them i'm not happy and i feel like i'm being brought down by negativity with no real positive enforcement. that's too nice. i donno. "i'm not happy here, so i'm moving out to make my life better. i'll call you when i decide i need to call you. bye :boogie:"
i'm scared about the process of getting boxes out my house. i'm still banking on tomorrow being the day but i can't be sure right now. none of them are typical moving boxes. one is a short and wide box of clothes. medium amazon size box of misc. small amazon box of hair stuff. 3 priority mail boxes, medium small. a glossier box, small. then i have 2 reusable bags of clothes i forgot to pack before my last deposit of boxes on wednesday, and some weird shaped things that would waste space in a box. and a bag of shoes.
HUFF!! and some things that just aren't packed, will probably go in that box pansy's bringing.
right now i can't be excited to leave. my brain has left and i think i'm just trying to push through this without wasting another week. i know it's gonna hurt and take a lot of rest and healing but it just has to be done. so i'm sorry to myself, and inner kids. this is really important and i absolutely don't know how i can make it through another year here. again i dont wanna entertain the thought.
when i confront them, i don't know how i'll feel. how i'll do it. i don't want a discussion. i've thought too long about this, daydreamed about this for years. i want to make my statement and leave. i hope i can just let the guilt go in one ear and out the other. like audre lorde wrote, "i have no creative use for guilt." (in a different context, but still important and relevant nonetheless).
maybe i have room for a teeny bit of excitement? i'm finally getting the * out!!
ok.
so how am i doing now? a little less anxious (after the teeny excitement). getting a headache (i've been up since 5am and it's 12:20am!) i think i can handle my bro!
he will get upset. likely. and maybe explode at me. i don't like repeated "bad" behavior so i WILL remind him he did that last year and hasn't learned anything! he may guilt me
bro: tea! your bad actions always lead to me being hurt even when i haven't done anything!
tea: well that's not ME telling F to be hurtful and abusive to you!! that's HIS doing! he's taking his anger out on you and that's his choice! i cannot control him.
bro: tea why can't you just wait till i get a job first?
tea: that's disrespectful of you to even ask me to wait for you again!
tea: nothing has changed! i wanted to leave last year and i told you and M and neither of you did anything to make things better. this place is unbearable and i am officially unwilling and unable to take it anymore!
well, he can say his other pieces if he's got anything else to throw at me. and if it makes me feel unsupported, that is yet another reason on top of the worldwide landfill of reasons i have got to get out of here!
i was nervous to make this entry and feel like i'm speaking too soon but i just need to say screw it! it's happening now or never and the universe scaring me into (rightfully) keeping my plans to myself can suck it for now. i've waited too TOO long!! goodnight!
Hope things go well for you, Tea-the-artist.
Hope :)
tea, it's a mighty big step you're taking, brave of you to be doing so. i give you all kinds of credit for this - i know how you've struggled over it.
may i suggest you keep anything you say as short as possible, and i agree with you that this is not the time to get into a discussion/argument. you might even want to frame it in a positive light, such as 'i've got a chance to spread my wings, so i'm moving on' or 'it's just time for me to go find myself' - something like that. it seems to me that you have a better chance of getting out of there w/o guilt or yelling or whatever if you keep the reason for wanting to leave focused in a pos. way on yourself.
this really is a chance to find yourself, your true self, in an atmosphere that's more conducive to self-exploration and healing. i left home (a long time ago) against my parents' wishes, and it was the best thing i ever did. their reactions were on them - we can't control how anyone will view what we're doing and why. i needed to get 'out from under' as well. it turned out to be the beginning of so many things.
so, i wish you the best, sweetie. i hope it goes as smoothly as possible for you. always take care of yourself first. love and hugs.
Quote from: DecimalRocket on April 24, 2018, 04:15:36 AM
I'm glad you're taking some time for yourself, tea. :)
I also found it guilt ridding to create long posts about my own worries, while giving too little back sometmes. When I first came to this forum, I wasn't as active in other people's threads, and it was nearly all used for myself. I was feeling pretty bad too that I didn't have the strength to reach out, but it wasn't really my fault. I didn't have the inner resources for it at the time.
I remember San once told me I didn't have to do anything special just to help out. Just trying to solve through my own issues, having the strength to be vulnerable here, and doing my best. . . You don't know how many people can be inspired or can learn from your efforts, no matter how slow or ignorant you can be about it.
Because everyone here has it slow and rough with their issues too, but to see that even with that, you can make progress? Maybe they can make progress too. So many people have stopped by without saying a word — who knows how it has affected them?
Well, see you. And have a nice break. :)
Quote from: Blueberry on April 29, 2018, 12:22:28 PM
Quote from: DecimalRocket on April 24, 2018, 04:15:36 AM
I remember San once told me I didn't have to do anything special just to help out. Just trying to solve through my own issues, having the strength to be vulnerable here, and doing my best. . . You don't know how many people can be inspired or can learn from your efforts,,
:yeahthat: tea, I agree with san and DR here.
Once I felt ashamed of posting "way too much" so I wrote about that concern and got a few responses from mbrs grateful to be able to read my posts. It will be the same with you tea. You will have some fans who read and may comment, or not. I read your Journal for the insights and the similarities to my own struggles.
Journals are more personal and discussions shouldn't take place unless the Journal writer sets one off, but then when you want to stop it, you can say so. It's your Journal, your decision. Same thing if you'd prefer to not get replies, you could put that in the subject line or write it in your next post. I'm not sure that you can lock other members out of your Journal. We can lock a whole topic, but then you'd be locked out too!
" and seeing that i only came here to journal for myself and ask questions, voice concerns or frustrations or happiness, or support to others if i knew what i wanted to say every now and then. but i also remembered that i do need to take care of myself first. i love helping but i think i'd love it even more when i am stronger, strong enough to provide both support to myself and to others. tis what i'm striving for this week. to resist the urge and rest up and gain some energy."
tea, it has never occurred to me in my Mod role that you're not giving enough or taking too much! You do need to take care of yourself first. it's an important rule on here, with which some of us :whistling: have problems!
being away from the forum and resting for a while can be really good, but it depends on your reasons for it. Please don't think you need to rest and recuperate so that you have more strength for other people on here and then deny yourself the opportunity to post on here though it would do good! If I understand correctly, it#s maybe safer for you to write a journal here than on paper at home?
I have something similar going on.
You and your posts - not a burden on here!! Releasing feelings on the forum is totally legit!! Even more legit in your Journal
That is so true DR! it's been some time, but i really thought about what you and everyone here has been saying about this. jotting down even the small progresses and goals can definitely be helpful! all the little insights can have such huge impacts for others, it really is a whole different thing in different perspectives sometimes.
and yeah blue, this has always been the one place I can actually write without fear. I think I have this issue with my journal because of the constant broken boundaries i dealt with growing up. so I was constantly in a state of feeling like my journal is everyone's: for everyone to read, to comment, discuss, advise, etc etc. so it's a bit of a new feeling to be able to say "no" to replies, discussions and whatnot. hopefully i can exercise that ability? right? power?
also thanks for saying i'm not a burden!
---
Quote from: FrillyFarmGirl on April 29, 2018, 04:53:32 AM
Tea, I just wanted to say how much I love your tagline about treating myself like I would my daughter. Thanks.
thanks a bunch frillyfarmgirl! and you're welcome! it's such a moving quote and really helps me to always think about my IC :thumbup: :hug:
---
Quote from: Hope67 on August 13, 2018, 06:43:50 PM
Hope things go well for you, Tea-the-artist.
Hope :)
Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 13, 2018, 10:00:50 PM
tea, it's a mighty big step you're taking, brave of you to be doing so. i give you all kinds of credit for this - i know how you've struggled over it.
may i suggest you keep anything you say as short as possible, and i agree with you that this is not the time to get into a discussion/argument. you might even want to frame it in a positive light, such as 'i've got a chance to spread my wings, so i'm moving on' or 'it's just time for me to go find myself' - something like that. it seems to me that you have a better chance of getting out of there w/o guilt or yelling or whatever if you keep the reason for wanting to leave focused in a pos. way on yourself.
this really is a chance to find yourself, your true self, in an atmosphere that's more conducive to self-exploration and healing. i left home (a long time ago) against my parents' wishes, and it was the best thing i ever did. their reactions were on them - we can't control how anyone will view what we're doing and why. i needed to get 'out from under' as well. it turned out to be the beginning of so many things.
so, i wish you the best, sweetie. i hope it goes as smoothly as possible for you. always take care of yourself first. love and hugs.
thanks Hope and san! it went the best it could given the circumstances, as things tend to be. but even though it's been a bit of a struggle i'm so happy to be free!!
Quote from: tea-the-artist on August 26, 2018, 03:07:34 AM
and yeah blue, this has always been the one place I can actually write without fear. I think I have this issue with my journal because of the constant broken boundaries i dealt with growing up. so I was constantly in a state of feeling like my journal is everyone's: for everyone to read, to comment, discuss, advise, etc etc. so it's a bit of a new feeling to be able to say "no" to replies, discussions and whatnot. hopefully i can exercise that ability? right? power?
Yes of course you can exercise that right! Atm it's not quite clear to me though how you want to implement this. Do you want no comments in your Journal? So no complements either? or :cheer: etc.? Or just not any discussions or advice? Will you maybe post in here how you want us to treat your Journal (and maybe other posts of yours) in the future? You can of course always Report to Moderator if a mbr goes against forum guidelines (like with advice-giving). You can report my posts too - they go to Kizzie then as Admin. Mods aren't above the rules and sometimes make mistakes or misjudgements too :thumbdown:
pretty much two months later i've decided to end this journal. feels kinda quick but this is just a whole new part of my life and i want to keep my thoughts organized here and that makes sense for me.
Quote from: Blueberry on August 26, 2018, 01:10:58 PM
Quote from: tea-the-artist on August 26, 2018, 03:07:34 AM
and yeah blue, this has always been the one place I can actually write without fear. I think I have this issue with my journal because of the constant broken boundaries i dealt with growing up. so I was constantly in a state of feeling like my journal is everyone's: for everyone to read, to comment, discuss, advise, etc etc. so it's a bit of a new feeling to be able to say "no" to replies, discussions and whatnot. hopefully i can exercise that ability? right? power?
Yes of course you can exercise that right! Atm it's not quite clear to me though how you want to implement this. Do you want no comments in your Journal? So no complements either? or :cheer: etc.? Or just not any discussions or advice? Will you maybe post in here how you want us to treat your Journal (and maybe other posts of yours) in the future? You can of course always Report to Moderator if a mbr goes against forum guidelines (like with advice-giving). You can report my posts too - they go to Kizzie then as Admin. Mods aren't above the rules and sometimes make mistakes or misjudgements too :thumbdown:
blue those are some good ideas for rules. im starting a new journal tonight so i'll put up rules. that's a really great way to implement boundaries in a personal space like this.
just going to close this chapter and say i'm glad i made it. i'm proud that i made it. i'm exhausted but what i get to experience now is more than I ever could while living with FOO. it's well deserved, no matter how long it took me.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
There's another person here who doesn't want comments in their journal and has put that right in the title, so no matter when you start reading the thread it's very apparent they want no comments. Good idea, I may do that, too... 🤔
Quote from: tea-the-artist on October 09, 2018, 01:20:06 AM
just going to close this chapter and say i'm glad i made it. i'm proud that i made it. i'm exhausted but what i get to experience now is more than I ever could while living with FOO. it's well deserved, no matter how long it took me.
Definitely well-deserved tea! You've done great :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :hug: It's great you can feel pride in your achievements and I'm so happy for you that you are now experiencing "more than you ever could while living with FOO". :waveline: :yourock: :fireworks: (Hey, maybe this is the last time I can express my admiration for your successes.)
thanks so much blue!! having pride is one of few things we get awarded due to trauma so it's such a nice feeling to have!
Quote from: Three Roses on October 09, 2018, 03:36:46 AM
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
There's another person here who doesn't want comments in their journal and has put that right in the title, so no matter when you start reading the thread it's very apparent they want no comments. Good idea, I may do that, too... 🤔
yeah that's true! could be really useful for staying self-focused and not getting too distracted/side-tracked by discussions!