Out of the Storm

This journal is going to replace my old one for a few reasons. One, it is obnoxiously long. Two, I have hit a changing point in my own recovery journey. This is also why I have labeled it with Elpha, for a name I am grtting called here more often, which is new and good.  Then new adventure because this is a new leg of my journey.


After reading and asking around a lot about setting recovery goals,  I have decided I really like the idea of words rather than a detailed list, because the list would guilt me and drive me crazy. I am posting here as a reminder that this space will help me get these.

1. Stability: I want to find stability in myself, not seek it from outside as much
2. Breath: I want to remember and learn to breathe more fully every day
3. Understanding: I want to make sure I am giving myself the same understanding as I give others, this includes younger versions of myself

Here's to a year full of healing, whatever that brings me.

Yes!  :thumbup:

Wonderful goals to work towards!
Keep up the good work!

Hi Elpha,
I wanted to try out your new name - it's a great one!  I know you are hoping for lots of healing this year, and I hope that your dreams are realised.
Hope  :)

Thanks Hope! You can call me either, I just named the journal this way. I love that people here call me by a few different nicknames, irl I don't have any.

Haha, Elpha!  You used the nickname I gave you for your journal's title. I'm glad you enjoyed the nickname. I think shortened nicknames are fun.

Well it's nice to see you use three generalized goals like that.

I remember a story where a man entered a philosophy classroom and everyone was arguing. When he asked them the definition of things like "Beauty" or "Reality", everyone stood up to mention different definitions of the ideas, which frustrated the class even further.

People from several disciplines and in life seem to have that same problem. They don't define what they're looking for, when they think they are. So good job on that.

Thank you Decimal! I enjoy the nicknames, having gathered a couple here makes me smile.

The generalized goals came from some advice that is to help me not guilt myself too much this year. I am glad you like them. The philosophy thing is so true!! I study philosophy and those moments have happened in class while trying to define something nebulous

I am trying to decide which direction to go on Tuesday.. at therapy last week I started exploring about my inner that is about 17, which was good. However we spent longer on processing an image from college, one that has helped cost me that career path and my love for it. I have to decide if I want to continue to process into that or if I want to change track and keep working on my past. Honestly, I am not certain which way I will go.

It would be good to recover my love to play but I want to dig into things in my past. I want to tackle the bigger wounds. My music may come back in time, and with those larger wounds. But the larger wounds won't heal by tackling my music. If I play more often it might also settle and become something good again.

So I do not know where I should go. I will find my answer but I am not certain what is wisest. Until Tuesday I will weigh my options, I want to start tackling a bit deeper into things, but getting my music back would be wonderful. *sigh* only so much time

I am still pretty split on what I will do to move forward. If nothing else I can bring that to my T and see if maybe I can gain some clarity in session . Either way, I wanted to put some things here.


One, I have been a but apprehensive to post a bunch after becoming a moderator. I am excited to be able to help and to grow into the role. However, it was more of a change than I bargained for. I will find the balsnce certainly and me keeping faithful to posting in my journal will help me do that.

Two, I have been struggling with a memory off and on for a couple weeks. It came up in session but we didn't get into it because it would have been too much. It has become part of my nightmares though so maybe it is time to deal with it. It isn't a memory I have spent any time processing though. With others I have done some processing so they are more feasibly a way to start going deeper.

It can back with a session I did on anger. That little thirteen year old inner child that holds so much anger and resentment towards the adults that failed her. I started letting her list out everyone, listening to all the wrong she holds anger towards. There were countless adults that failed me, and maybe one or two that could be considered healthy at all in my childhood. Even some of the healthy ones failed to protect me when given the chance. I resent that a lot, because I could have been saved many times over but I was never worth it to anyone. I wasn't worth the risk of saving. They should have cared more and didn't. This partof me knows that wasn't my fault, it was theirs.

*tw* SA

The adult that is in my memory was worse than all of them in some ways. He didn't just not save me, he encouraged the hurt and hurt me. This memory is one of my more blurry ones but has solidified some over time. I imagine I disassociated a ton to deal with what happened.

He caught me and one of my main abusers, walked in on him raping me... threw him out, and instead of saving me he continued where the other had left off.

He was much older, larger, and scarier than my other abusers. Well most of them. I had so many it is hard to really gauge that because several of them are blurry at best. The memories are there but the figures are a mystery to me. 

I know my T trusts and believes me about everything I have told her lies in my past, but this one sounds almost too bad to be true. To say the father of one of mt worst abusers decided to abuse me as well instead of saving me... to say he witnessed it, and did fsr worse than just doing nothing.. that sounds like too much. But it is true.. I know and feel it. I should trust that she will believe me, but I can't help but worry

  :hug: Words fail me. I'm sorry you went through that.

 :hug: The hug is wonderful, thank you. I needed to post that but I am left feeling a bit raw and vulnerable from it. I went through it and find putting words to it is still so difficult, so I definitely understand how words could fail you.  :hug:


It is hard to reconcile memories like that one. I am forced to remember just how cruel the world was to me. I have worked so hard to get to a place where I am free of all of that. I am no longer in a place where I am abused in any form, granted I was until less than a year ago but I got out of that. I learned to draw stricter boundaries and to go NC with a few people in order to create safety for myself.

Nonetheless, here I set still dealing with all that I have endured. I have been told it was a miracle I survived my past, that me being alive and functioning is impressive. Both by a couple of therapists and two close friends that I have confided in. There is this little voice though that keeps telling me how much worse it could have been.. that maybe I make too much out of nothing. Things could have been worse, I was given food and clothes. I had friends that were good, not all of them but I did have good friends as a kid.

I have posted a lot about my experiences in my previous journals, and if I had the heart to I would go back and read through them. Maybe to serve as a reminder of the fact it was bad, that the people here have recognized that time and time again. Yes I function mostly normallybut that is not done without a lot of effort and some dissociating when needed...

I truly have experienced almost every form of abuse at one point or another in my 23 years of life. I wish that were an exaggeration but it isn't. For some reason that truth is so much harder to accept today.  :fallingbricks:

More on a positive note because all of that is gloomy, I am determined to make this year my first one with no abuse in my life. For once I have the chance to give that to myself. I have never gotten to say that was possible before

 :hug: :hug: Elphanigh

Terrible as it was, what happened to you, I believe you.

 :hug: :hug: Thank you for believing me, it means a lot.

A friend pointed this out to me as I have been struggling today. I have quoted bits and pieces for the reminder to myself and for anyone else that needs it.

" it always sounds like if something were to happen that it would be a reflection on you as a person or your life and I don't think that's fair on yourself at all... whenever you say things like 'I don't see how it won't change' or that it won't last, I always just want to keep repeating the mantra of things along the lines of its not you and it has nothing to do with who you are and you are more than other people's stupid hateful choices. I want you to know that you being lovely and amazing can't be affected by other people's actions"

It was a spot on observation of how I speak about my abuse related to my future. I think it goes here to remind me, and I hope it is of use to someone else

I find it heartbreaking to hear what happened to you, and I'm glad you found a way to have hope. It's cliche, but sometimes it's the cliche things that show the most insight. Believe in yourself even when other's don't.

:cheer:

Thank you Decimal  :hug: That hope didn't stick around long yesterday, but it will come back.

There is a part of me that is so fearful here. That can't trust in a reality that doesn't have some form of abuse pointed at me. I have never had that so there is so much of me that doesn't understand how to exist like that.. part of me that is just waiting for something to happen because it always has. That fear is so horrible to sit with.

I got completely exhausted because I ended up having an EF and kind of reliving bits of my past. I shared a lot with a good trusted friend of mine. That processing is always exhausting but tends to help me sleep eventually. Instead of sleep my brain went in circles remembering more of it, things about it I haven't really thought about in a long time.

I went in circles about whether I could even believe my own truth, and wondered how anyone else would because it sounds so extensive and horrible. Wondered about my own fault in all of it, reliving some of the things I used to blame myself for again.

I hadn't cried quite that much in a long time, it was probably needed but I was not prepared for the million trails my mind tried to explore

Today is already proving to be difficult. Coming off of the body memories and strong ef from yesterday in combination with another night with a nightmare is not easy. I am hoping work will help to place me more in the present. I am trying to ground and move forward but it is more difficult today than I would like. My cats have taken notice to this, which is sweet of them but isn't seeming to have the affect it normally would.

Recovery is more than I ever bargained for but I will continue down its path. Today though I just seek some peace. Trying to channel as much strength as I can to create the earth mother spirit that has helped me through so many of these difficult days. Just hoping I am in fact strong and wise enough to do so.

I wish I were good at those statements! They sound so beautiful and warm when San says them. But may I offer you a safe, gentle hug?  :hug:

I wish I was too.  I can do it for others sometimes, but San always made them warm and full of everything one could ever need.

Three Roses, the safe gentle hug is perfect today. I appreciate that you are always here to offer those  :hug:

Excited to be back on the forum. Although feeling cautious to lose any posts. It is amazing how much I feel attached to all of you, and felt like I wanted to make sure all of you were doing okay,

It has been a long but useful five or so days. My nightmares have been beyond terrible lately, but I also had a brave thing happen in therapy. I fully processed through one of my worst memories. I did so by telling it in chunks, having it read back to me, taking time to deal with any emotions or physical sensations, then repeating on each section until it was done. Both my therapist and I were surprised at just how well I handled the whole process. It is a first with her, and for that particular memory with me. It was not completely detailed but pretty complete.

My nightmares were centered around that memory until we processed it. We changed the ending in session, apparently a good way to help process the trauma and help with nightmares. So that dream has not returned but they have been creative and horrific since.

In one of them basically everyone I have ever cared about was dead, it was horrible. This in clouded my therapist.. I am not sure what or if to tell her about this. I am scared to tell he about it because some people can take it poorly when they die in my dreams. Sadly it is a very normal occurrence for me but not everyone takes well to being told that.

Quote from: Elphanigh on January 21, 2018, 03:00:07 PM
I also had a brave thing happen in therapy. I fully processed through one of my worst memories.

:applause: :applause: for being brave.  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: for fully processing one of your worst memories

Hi Elpha. I missed you. Good job on being able to process something like that, and sorry that you're still having nightmares.  :hug:

Thank you Blueberry! It was definitely a moment to celebrate. A few months ago I wouldn't have been able to do that.

Decimal, I missed you as well. The nightmares will hopefully pass soon. My T and I are going to work on them

you brought a smile to my heart, el, and so did you 3roses, so i'm sending earth mother spirit to wrap you up in her voluminous skirts to comfort you and hopefully bring you some peaceful sleep.  think of her watching over you, swatting bad dreams away because she knows there is nothing better than caring for someone dear.

love and a big hug.  i'll be on the porch tonight and i'd love company. 

I will be certain to envision her protecting my sleep. I have only had one nightmare free night in the last ten days...it is completely exhausting. Hopefully the image of earth mother spirit will help to give some peaceful sleep.

My nightmares have been varied since therapy on Tuesday. This is one of the more difficult ones that is haunting me.

*trigger warning* death, violence, etc.. I will leave out the worst and just give vague ideas
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In this dream there were just massive heeps of bodies or ones hanging in this factory. Some of which were people I cared for. The bodies were mutilated and or completely undressed.  They were searching for some kind of cure I guess.

I ended up being chased by this man who could reanimate the dead bodies to attack me. Each time they would catch me something terrible would happen, or I would narrowly escape with some form of injury. It went on so long at the end I asked him to kill me, sat down, and curled up to face these five reanimated corpses and this twisted person... I watched them start to preserve my body with chemicals that burnt my skin, before I drown in this giant tank they put me.

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End trigger warning.

The in between begining and end of dream would rival any scary horror movie full of torture and suspense. It was bad so not included in the synopsis.  I die a lot in my own dreams, as do my loved ones.. including ones from here (at least what my dreams envision people to appear like) sorry if that is weird *sigh* I don’t create this knowingly. However, I don’t normally get bad enough where I ask to die. It was a new level of bad

Either way, I need peaceful rest sometime soon. It is hard to go without it for so long and continue to work as much as I am.

sweetie, those nightmares sound dreadful.  i hope whatever your subconscious is wrestling with comes to a conclusion soon.

in the tarot, the death card can mean change - the death of one thing in order to make room for another.  i know that often we have to struggle, face our demons, battle to our limits in order to enable change at times.  maybe old versions of you are dying to make room for the new you that is emerging, the stronger, clearer, more confident you. 

just thoughts.  i find dreams fascinating.  i used to have terrible nightmares where i was so very mad at my sister, and would wake up terrified.  eventually, i figured out that my sister was representing my daughter, who i hadn't allowed myself to be mad at in real life cuz of her mental illnesses.  when i realized this, was able to finally place the anger where it belonged in my consciousness, my subconscious no longer had to sublimate my anger toward my daughter.

the nightmares stopped, and never came back.  our subconscious knows everything, but won't always put it out in a recognizable form until we're ready to deal with it on a conscious level.  may i suggest you keep looking at these symbols in your dreams from every angle possible.  perhaps you will ultimately recognize their true meaning, and be able to put both them and yourself to a restful sleep.

however, i hope you get some relief.  not being rested is so awful.  warm, loving hug to you, my dearest el. 

They are truly dreadful, my dear. The ones before that we're based around the memory I worked through in therapy last week. Those were more real, and terrifying in that way, but these ones have just been awful and rather traumatic tbh.

Th tarot card idea seems wise. A lot is changing so maybe my subconscious is dealing with that in this way. I wish it would find other outlets for whatever is troubling it. A good night of sleep would be a great thing right about now.

Dreams are fascinating to me too, just hate that I have to deal with them so much. I have had nightmares as long as I can remember. When I was a kid they were just as bad and dreadful as they are now. They come in waves, but never fully stop and never have. I was on Prazosin for a time which really helped, but now that I can't take that there is nothing that truly helps them. It is frustrating.

I am truly glad yours stopped with that realization, and I hope one day I find that too. We have decided to work on these in therapy to see if we can get me to a peaceful sleep. It is hard to have my subconscious creating this many awful things at night. I am hoping to find some insight into why they have spiked yet again, sometimes I can make sense of them but these ones have been more difficult to get a handle on. It is one of the symptoms of my cptsd that I struggle with more fully still. I can cope and lessen most of the others, but these still kick my tail.

Thank you for the wishes for sleep. I am hopeful to get a couple of nights eventually. One night of good sleep isn't enough to help me truly catch up.

Big hug back. It is so good to have you here, dear friend. I missed you so much while you were away :hug:

i missed you and your beautiful spirit as well, el.

i certainly hope you get some relief from those nightmares.  crimeny, yeah, you need and deserve sleep, the restful kind, the refreshing kind.  i wish i could take those terrible images away for you, just slap them away right in their ugly faces.  maybe that's too violent, but they are violating you, and sometimes there is no other way.

so very much hoping that thru therapy you will learn and know what they're about, and they will finally leave you alone.  all the best wishes for resolution for and healing from this.  you've suffered enough.  always love and warmth and comfort to you in a very caring hug.

That response made me breathe a little deeper and relax my body just a bit more. Thank you,  for having this calmong affect on me.

It is good to know I am missed as well, I am truly glad you took the time you needed off though.

I liked the image of slapping them away honestly. They sre taking such a toll, and stealing away some of the only peaceful time I could get. My waking mind does not know much peace so having it taken from my sleep deserves some swatting away. 

Therapy last week gave me one night of peace from them, I have hopes to get that again tomorrow.

For some reason the line "you have suffered enough" truly hit home for me today. Something just resonated and truly struck me with that tonight. I have truly been through so much and deserve a bit of peace, away from all thr trauma. Being faced with nightmares, and my old narcissistic flute teacher this week is not peaceful. I am young and have time to find that peace but have been through more than a lot of people will ever see in their lifetimes.

I am finally abuse free but that has not guaranteed me any real peace.

Hi Elpha.  :hug:

I wouldn't just slap those nightmares for you. I'd kick them with the power of a decades long practiced martial arts sensei Then I'll punch them in the face with the strength of superman before they can find my kryptonite. Then I'd do a Kamekameha!!! from Dragon Ball Z and shoot them with the most deadly energy blast.

I'm doing this hardcore fight level 100,000,000,000,000!

Hi Decimal  :hug:

That image was amazing. I also truly enjoy all the references from nerdy things  :cheer:

Hi Elpha,  Just wanted to pop by and say 'hello' - it was tough not having the site for a while, and I missed people, and it's good to re-connect.   :hug: to you, if that's ok. 
Hope  :)

d.r., pretty cool.  we'll double team them.

el, i didn't realize you were in touch with your flute teacher, too.  no wonder you're having nightmares!  that kind of thing sets my mind swirling, too.  ugh - too much.

hoping therapy helps again, and that you get more than one good night's sleep.  you beautiful, precious thing, you.  sending a warm loving hug filled with comfort and care.  and mounds and mounds of peaceful rest.

Hope, thank you for stopping by. It is great to hear from you. Hugs are always okay  :hug:

San,

I am glad you and decimal can double team them. It makes me smile to know you both would defend me so much.

I did not intend to be in touch with her, nor am I truly in touch with her. While the forum was down (after some of the worst nightmares had happened on Wednesday night) she text, emailed, and called me. Over the course of three days I got three texts, four emails, four calls, and two voicemails from her. I have not answered and have no intentions of doing so but it added to the stress I was already dealing with... life knows how to throw me lots of challenges all at once. Likes to test my determination and gusto. I have to fight hard to choose a healing path everytime. She hasn't contacted me today or yesterday but it makes me nervous that she will. It brings back a fear that I hate having.

Thank you for always believing that I am beautiful and precious, it warms my heart. My therapy session is in an hour and I am a bit anxious about it tbh. I am hoping for peaceful rest tonight.

Sending lots of love and warmth your way too

and i will stand between you and her so her vibes can no longer reach you.  how awful for you, sweetie.  that's just not right.  in fact, it sounds downright intrusive to me.  i'm glad you can resist her.  i'm not very fond of her at this moment (an understatement, if you get what i mean) for causing you such distress.

surrounding you with love and care, the strongest resistance i know of.  always.  big hug.

Thank you, having that buffer between her and I is so wonderful. I can't explain exactly what that means at this exact moment. I will post in a bit when I have words for what I am juggling right now.

I will more fully post here now that I have more words for what it is I am dealing with in my mind. Session was good today, but also very rough in what it brought up.

*Trigger warning* sexual/physical/emotional abuse
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The weight of all of it is more than I can hold by myself for very long. I hold pieces of it all the time, that never goes away. However, I don't often hold the entirety of it for this reason. Sometimes it happens though and I have to process and handle it when it does

I hold the weight of so many peoples horrible, hateful decisions. The weight of multiple thousands of instances of physical/sexual abuse, not to mention the other forms of less obvious abuse that helped lead to that.

I carry the weight of a family that didn't care enough, that made me the caretaker. I carry the weight of a girl that was in charge of everyone's well being and safety, but who was never given safety of her own. I have always carried that,  and have only continued to experience things that added to it.

It is a weight that should have completely crushed me but didn't. That still threatens to do so sometimes. When I think about all of it, when I let myself look at just the large amount that I went through. Carrying the knowledge that it is more than 2500- 3000, and that is a low ball..

Sitting with all of this on me is crushing and saddening, it sent me into s panic attack/semi-flashback like mode. I am stronger now and managed to breathe through to calm myself faster. It has taken a great deal of work to get to where i can even sit with it this much.

It is hard to know the terror of this all, to try to comprehend that this is actually my truth. I know it is but it is so hard to fathom sometimes. I know my body had had enough years that the cells in it no longer carry the abuse, but my body endured more than is truly comprehendable, even by me who experienced it. My mind took on that and even more.

I hold the weight of more abuse and suffering than I think I can ever fully describe.  :fallingbricks:

No words.  :hug: Just one simple hug, free of conditions, obligation and caretaking. A hug of camaraderie and shared knowledge, a promise to never judge or reject.

It's too much for one person to carry all on it's own. And it should never have happened.  I hope that by finding words to describe it, it'll ease the current pain a little. Just a big, big safe and warm hug to you, if you want one! :hug:

Three Roses,  :hug: :hug: thank you for that.

Sceal, the words helped eventually. Getting to share them I think helped me rest last night, finally finding some peace.

I came back to read my post with fresh eyes today. Last night the weight of my truth was crushing and impossible to hold. Today I feel less of that. It is heavy and hard but I know that I have help in so many ways now. I am also so much stronger than I used to be.

There were some good moments in session yesterday. I did tell my T that she had died in my nightmare and she reacted very well.  It eased my worries about that a lot. We also discussed some of why the dreams are probably there which at least makes sense of them, even if it doesn't make them go away.

I also said the words "it's unfair, i didn't deserve any of it, I didn't do anything to cause it. It wasn't my fault, but now I have to be the one to deal with it all. I don't think that is fair or right"
As anyone reading my stuff the kast six months knows i couldn't have said that and meant it six months ago, and even truly 2 months ago. That is major progress for me.

Even though sitting with the entirety of it caused me to struggle last night there were such signs of progress in it. I think I deserve to see those signs too.

I am doing a lot of self care today and begining to give myself the love and compassion I deserved. I believe my truth, and believe in the girl that survived so much. I didn't just stop and accept defeat, I fought hard and succeeded in many ways despite all that I was put through. Recovery feels like going through another layer of this and I will succeed again, despite all that thr world has and does still throw at me.

You are all such an inspiration to me, I have learned so much about kindness to myself. You have taught me about kindness other people can show me as well, that it is possible for other people to care for me and not want anything from me. That it is possible to know me for who I am and what I have been through and not run away or think less of me.  Thank you for being constant support and inspiration.

QuoteI didn't just stop and accept defeat, I fought hard and succeeded in many ways despite all that I was put through.

You did! You really, really did.  :cheer:

 :hug: :hug: lots of hugs if that is okay. It is good to hear someone agree with that.  I have fought all my life to succeed despite everything,  it feels nice to recognize that. I am choosing to heal at 23, to intentionally go after this with everything I have. I got my degree, and am working towards going for my next one. I have ended a horrible cycle and somehow managed to excel in school, music, and work. I don’t always recognize that because of the struggles

It is wonderful to read that you are choosing to heal. To go after a better life!
I'll stand in the internet background and cheer you on! :cheer: :cheer:

Thanks Sceal!!!

I couldn't find the words for this last night, so I went to the porch instead. Hopefully, I can find some words for it this morning.

Saturday I got angry because I had a panic attack out of no where while I was by myself in a part of the city I generally love. I think my system just took in too much stimulation in the environment that day. However it is not normally an issue so I found myself mad at myself for having one. I realized that I was hearing the old voices.. I was repeating the reactions my M used to give me for my panic attacks.. I got mad that it was her words that were going over in my head making it harder to calm down...

I was angry that she is so good to everyone else, that she post mental health advocacy stuff on her fb and is so helpful to her friends... but to her own daughter she was nothing but cruel and shaming....


Then yesterday I got a really bad EF last night. I ended up frozen on my kitchen floor crying for who knows how long before I decided I needed to call someone. I couldn't admit what was wrong at first because I didn't want anyone truly offering help. I didn't want to look like I had failed as an adult and feel like I owed them something. These are old ways of feeling and thinking, I was shot back to all of my old shame and distrust... but at the same time just overwhelmed with helplessness and fear. I got terrified because I couldn't bring myself to cook dinner... I was  afraid that if I did I wouldn't have any food today... that I wouldn't make any money at work because it was slow and I would be able to buy the groceries I so desperately need right now.

But I didn't want to admit I needed help. Didn't want to admit I probably would have to choose between feeding my cats or myself if I don't make money at work today...I would choose my cats every time and would function somehow for myself. But in EF land I was the terrified girl that couldn't feel anything but terror and shame, there was no logical processes truly going on.

I have since admitted what was going on, and begrudgingly recognized that I need the help and have friends that offer without every asking . That they would never treat me like I owed them because they know I would help them if the situation was ever reversed. I am trying to not feel guilty, or feel like I have failed at being an adult. I work two jobs, and almost 60 hours a week usually. It is a slow time of year and I can't control that.. I don't spend in weird places or go out a bunch... I truly am not at fault here.. I have to believe that

absolutely believe it, honey.  you are working so hard, it's bound to take a toll on you and overwhelm you every so often.  i don't believe for a minute that you are a failure as an adult.  in fact, quite the opposite.  you are being so very responsible, doing what you need to do, both for yourself and your cats, you are giving and generous here on the forum, which is helping lives come back together, and you're working on your issues all at the same time.

too much stimulation?  with everything else, i think it will just hit you once in a while.  there's no shame in that.  i've just gone thru something similar over the weekend.  we all do from time to time.  that doesn't make us failures, tho.  these are the beast bumps that overcome us.  we get thru them, leave them behind, and continue moving.

thanks for sharing, for letting us know so that we can share some of the burden with you.  earth mother spirit, as always, wrapping you up in her voluminous skirts, embracing you until the tremors go away, staying by your side until you are steady once again.

you darling thing, you.  warm, loving hug filled with comfort and care to you.

Oh my dear friend, had I not just put my makeup on for work about five minutes ago I would have just cried. Good cleansing tears, but goodness I am still feeling all of this. Your love and encouragement means the world to me. It is good to hear the kind words, and confirmation that I appear to be doing well as an adult. I do truly hope I am helping out here as much as you think I am. It is the one place I am able to be helpful right now. Irl I am not having as much luck with it all the time.

Too much stimulation, just a very busy part of the city with lots of noise, people, cars etc.. being alone down there can spike things sometimes, even if normally I am calm and collected there. I am sorry you had similar this weekend, but you are right we will get through them

I am glad I can share some of the burden here, it helpha me carry the weight of everything a bit better. I have never had an easy life, so there's is a lot to carry. One day I hope there will be less, but I am forever grateful to have the people here help me carry some of this. I have to work today and act like I am on top of the world, this place helps me function enough to do that.

I will be in earth mothers skirts today and probably into tomorrow, healing this ef and taking the strength I need to in order to truly let my friend help me. I will stay in your hug too, giving one full of love and warmth back to you as well

Hi Elpha,
Just wanted to pop by and say hello and extend a warm and gentle hug  :hug: if that's ok.   :)

I've missed everyone here, whilst the forum was down, and it's so great to be back and I just wanted to pop by to say 'hello'.

Hope  :)

Hi Hope, so glad to have you stop by. The hug is perfecr  :hug:

I have food in my house tonight, it brings some relief but also some other feelings. I spent part of my life with an eating disorder, not long but enough for it to affect how I view food. It isn't something I struggle with particularly now but it will always affect how I see eating and such.

Having food here has left me a bit in child mode, considering it was essentially a gift. I am very grateful, but it feels odd to have so much like it will be taken away from me. Now my family never used food as an abuse tactic. One of my abusers did gift me with food for acting well, and would keep it from me if I didn't do something she wanted. It was a treat if I was good to help cook or she would make me my favorites... it was never something that got bad enough to be starving or anything. Then in high school I developed an eating disorder as a way to gain control in a time I felt like I had none. In which case food was kept from me, but by me not someone else

I feel like the small girl that has just been given food, who hadn't eaten the last meal because I did something wrong. Or kind of like when I was a teenager that finally ate some food and let herself keep it in her system because she had gone on a run or something of the like. I am neither of those people right now, but that is what it feels like.

I spent basically a full 36 hours away from my own apartment, 24 of that at a friends house just recuperating. I spent time eating proper meals, and sleeping. Took time to just relax and breathe. It was like a tiny vacation to help me come off of the EF I had one Sunday.

Being home is good, but I realize my nerves raise when I am here because of all of my stress right now. Working almost 60 hours a week, being fully committed to healing/processing, thenjust everything that has been happening since the holidays is a lot. I need to clean but I struggle to get things like that done when I am exhausted most of the time. It is gong to be something I need to kind of map out so I can do small chunks this week to get it done. I want it clean so my apartment feels more relaxing to me, but I also don't need to make myself more stressed by cleaning it

My energy levels because of the recovery process are unpredictable and ever changing.. it is frustrating but I am hopefull I can finally learn to function with it better.

I don't think any of that was truly in a coherent fashion, I could write more as there is a lot in my brain but I think that rest is a better option at this point. Can process some before writing more

Sounds like you may need to go to ground for a bit. I think I saw that Woodsgnome had chopped a bunch of firewood for the Healing Porch, and I was gonna go start a fire. You're welcome to join me, or I'll leave some extra wood handy so you can take over.

You do a lot for us here, dear Elpha, I hope you nurture yourself proper!  :hug: :hug:

I think I want to phrase this in no uncertain words so I can remind myself of this. Going to see about exploring this in therapy next week actually. I want to be able to reread this and know this as true because it is important, even if not pleasant.

Food was used in my abuse in multiple ways, not extreme but it still matters. It was used in my younger abuse outside of my Foo, was used in my Foo when I was a teenager, and was constantly a concern through my life because people constantly commented on how thin I was, asking my parents sometimes if I was anorexic or sick ( I wasn't at the time). I developed an eating disorder in my teens because of everything that had happened to me, and it was made worse by my M who in turn did make food an abusive thing to me. My odd relationship with food is okay, but needs work. I have come such a long way with it on my own, and it is okay when it isn't perfect.





I find that I need to be able to admit all of that, to put it somewhere I can come back to. I have so very rarely given the attention to my food issues that they deserved. It is something I do much better with, I love food really truly and always have. However,I have a love hate relationship. Eating is one of the easiest things for me to give up when I am stressed/anxious but it also brings out the terrified little girl in me when I don't have food available to me. Both sides make sense from wha it have been through.

I have always wondered why I was so weird about it, and why child mode was something that came up whenever I was given food. Writing all of this helps me understand

Three Roses, sorry typed that other one before your response. I would love to join you by the fire, Woodsgnome chopped a lot of fire wood for us. I kind of went to ground most of today which has helped, but having food in my house again brought a different wave of emotions and realizations, so I may need to again. The healing porch with great company sounds perfect tonight.

Glad to hear that I do a lot here, I always question that and forget that I do very much here. It is really nice to have that reminder.  :hug:

 :hug:

Thank you  :hug:

I just got handed a flute teacher if I want it... I miss that part of me so much, and need to have some of my own questions answered. It could offer me that. But it comes from a person I am currently NC with. I have the contact info, so I don't have to make contact with the person but I don't trust it. However, there's a part of me that needs to know that is so excited at the possibility of having a new flute teacher. There is a part of me that is excited at the idea of playing again, and ensuring I am making the right decisions in my life. That I am not deciding simply because I ended up with a narc for a flute professor in college.


This could be a fresh start, somewhere to learn more about myself and decide for myself what I want. If it is a teacher I could be open with at the start about my concerns it could be really helpful. But the fact it is attached at all to a narc makes me suspicious. I know this woman is separate and barely knows my old teacher and that in this city everyone at least somewhat knows my teacher... so if I want to play again here I have to be prepared to dodge that a bit.

My music saved me in times of the worst trauma, it was a home for me. I mean it evens it'll is, when i struggled yesterday I went and played piano for two hours. Just sightreading music and playing a few things I remembered well felt like home to me. I want to make sure I am not leaving that career for the wrong reasons.. taking lessons with this teacher could answer these thing s for me.it could help bring back a part of me I have been so afraid was lost permanently

There is always a part of me that aches because I don't play like I used to... that aches because I don't have that place to go to anymore. So maybe this is what I need. Part of what I wrote down that I wanted to do this year was to start playing again... maybe just maybe this is the universe giving me that chance.

Part of me is so excited but I am afraid to get excited. I know this is not particularly cptsd related but the mix of feelings and body reactions to this news certainly is. I process everything through a lens of that

From the way you describe it, it sounds a bit like Hoovering to me.  :hoovering: Maybe that's just my cynicism. But whatever it is or isn't, i hope you go slowly and thoughtfully here.

I am definitely moving slowly and thoughtfully here. It is something that requires a lot of thought and caution no matter what I decide

I drew some wonderful, firm boundaries today with someone that has previously had none. It makes me feel less like I am crazy and just safer to be the one calling the shots here. She was actually respectful and asked permission to talk to me at an event we will both have to be a therapist next month, it felt good to have her say she would respect my boundaries and actually ask permission for a change.

On that note, I have after months finally answered my old flute teacher. Very firmly but I needed to for myself so it would stop catching me off guard and throwing me off my game. I am going to talk to this new teacher, and observe her to make sure I feel like it will be safe and worth my time. I want to make sure she can be trusted to do good and not harm. I want this piece of me back, and reclaiming it brings its own power

I played for an hour today, it felt like coming home a bit. My emotions were difficult at first but it passed pretty quickly today. I am glad the universe has kind of given me a nudge back towards music a bit, just so I can have it back in my life. It will also mean I start to heal some of my old narc abuse wounds

Having food in my house has been very nice today. I have felt like I have the ability to eat freely, at least somewhat which does a good amount to help my Little's feel less panicked.

Overall I think I am coming out of the ef, and panic attacks from this weekend more fully. It has left me very tired but I am feeling more myself

so glad to hear that, el.  it's nice to know you have enough food, isn't it?  i get panicky at that kind of thing as well. 

you played.  that's so wonderful.  i don't have the words, but the feelings about it are sensational.  love and a huge music-filled, healing hug.

Glad it isn't just me that gets panicky at that kind of thing.

Thank you for the hug  :hug: Also fir being glad I finally played

I don't even truly know where to start with the last several days, there has been progress but so much processing to get there.

Music is coming back to me, I am fighting to reclaim that's piece of me in some form. I am not exactly sure what form it will take but at least it is taking a form right now. I have a lesson with a teacher who has a doctorate in flute performance tomorrow. It is intimidating, but having talked to her some on the phone I feel like we will mesh well. I am not sure how to tell her exactly how I am coming at this. I want to regain this part of me, I want to reclaim it for myself because I am tired of letting an abuser take it away from me. I am tired of all of the horrible things I went through in college stealing such a large piece of me. I am taking this back for myself. I don't know where it will lead, and if I will ever choose to go back to it as a career but at this moment I am trying to let it be whatever feels right.

My food issues have finally seen some light. I haven't worked to process those properly, so it is big progress I can shed some light on them. There is more of a struggle there than I realized there still was. I too easily drop a meal or two a day, especially when I am working so much. I want to try to work on that, but not in a way that it brings up some of the old feelings. I was forced to keep a food journal for a while, but it was used by my mom as a way to get mad at me and shame me... rather than help me like something like that should have been.

I feel freer now that I am not being consumed by my narc flute teacher now. I don't have to look at my phone and be worried it is her, or feel like I am constantly avoiding something. It is good to feel a bit more free without that.

However I have realized that I need to learn to separate music from survival. As a kid it was a place I could go to survive. When you sing, or play the rest of the world can go away. It helped melt all of the abuse away for a little while. It was a method of survival for me. I poured everything I could into it because I needed an escape.

When I got out of the abusive place, and began to treat it as a career things shifted. I stoped loving it, because it was no longer an escape it was something that could be stressful. I had never experienced that before. Music became part of my abusive reality. That took so much from me. Music is not an escape or a survival tool anymore. It doesn't need to be, I am not in an abusive situation and don't want to escape my reality. I want to heal and grow which means facing my reality. So I need to learn to separate music from survival. I need to let it shift into a new role, whatever that may be.

Therapy is going to be a big one Tuesday. I am honestly not sure what I want to work on the most. Food issues are huge but so are some of the music things. I could also go into how angry I was at that part of me, how mad I got at the piece of me loved music.. I was so angry at the part of me that was such a dreamer and wasn't particularly logical. She may have kept some form of hope for me but it was that hope that got crushed and beat in college. Had I not had that part maybe things wouldn't have gotten so bad, that part of me just crumbled under the narc abuse and the pressures I ran into in school. The logical, strong, resilient part of me survived college, it got me my degree and just left behind the part of me that's loved and dreamed with all of her heart. I lost that part of me, and got angry at it.

I wanted her to be stronger, tougher, more impervious to the world. She couldn't be that. She was the small part of childhood joy and innocence I kept hidden away from everyone. I kept her safe and held up until I left home. She got so hurt when I let that part of me show. I poured into my logical self instead, then grew this anger and bitterness towards music and what it stood for. It became part of my abuse and I could no longer trust it. I couldn't trust half of who I was anymore


I find I am fearful to be hopeful, I am scared to get hurt again. It isn't hard to not be afraid that something will happen, that fear kept me on my toes growing up. It kept me alive, and made sure I could switch modes with no effort. It mean that I could help save the people around me, and save myself. So this fear is a natural response for me.

dearest el, i can't express how happy i am for you with getting back to your flute.  it's exciting for me to hear that.  i know you have a lot of backstory with it, but you are triumphing thru it.  for that i am grateful, but not surprised. 

if i may make some observations on some of what you said here, when you talk about being angry at yourself, any part of yourself, could that possibly be misplaced anger?  i don't see any part of you hurting you - rather i see others have hurt those precious pieces of you.  i truly believe all parts of ourselves are only attempting to help us survive and make it through in the best way they know how.

it's the others around us, tho, who have tried to stifle, even kill, those parts of us that continued to work so hard to keep us alive and moving.  that dreamer part of you that got crushed didn't die.  she doesn't deserve your anger.  she is an important part of you who is moving thru the abuse, moving thru the jungle of what was done to you, and is beginning to see the light again, thru your music.

the idea that you are in the process of reclaiming the love of music for its own sake speaks volumes as to the progress you have made.   i'm not trying to invalidate your feelings of anger - i think it's righteous anger.  i just think some of it might be being misplaced.   

i understand how you can see that if that dreamer part of you hadn't been there, you wouldn't have gotten so hurt, wouldn't have been crushed, wouldn't have lost so much.  still, if she hadn't been there, you wouldn't have the impetus to get back to the music you love.

i think your fear is natural, seeing what you went thru.  i believe, tho, that being more aware now, stronger, having more clarity that you will more easily be able to navigate these new-again waters into which you're heading.  wishing you all the best, and anticipating hearing how it goes.  sending a warm, loving hug filled with musical joy.

Wow, there's a lot going on Elphanigh. Lots of realisations  :thumbup: which lead to progress of some sort usually.

San, thank you for being excited that I am coming back to my music and even more for not being surprised that I found my way to it. 

I love your insight,  very valuable as always. That anger is misplaced, some of the ways you phrased it really struck me. I didn't do anything wrong bt having hopes and dreams. That is so delightfully human and beautiful considering all I went through. That part of me is also not dead, I thought she was for a while.

My anger is more effectively pointed towards those that caused me harm, and did the crushing. It is an old habit to blame myself for things that others did. I have come a long way in that department, but still have a very long way to go. Self blame is such a natural instinct for me. Thank you for pointing out some of that pattern my dear.

I really hope I can navigate these new waters well. I have my lesson in about 7 hours. I will definitely post here about how it goes. I imagine I will need to process either way. Sending hugs

Blueberry, there has been a lot of processing the last week. I am hopeful to gain new progress

Where to even begin tonight... The last week has been transformative, especially the last two days.  I feel like I have made leaps of progress and had a million realizations. I know it is not just a week worth of things, it is the months of hard work on recovery but I finally see the months of progress culminating. It is powerful and freeing more than I could have truly foreseen.

My flute lesson went well, for those of you who are keeping up on this journal (also thank you for reading, I truly do ramble) This new teacher is a brilliant player, but also a wonderful human being. Once I got past my initial fears that lesson was more productive than one with my previous one ever was. It was like a conversation, like we were on equal playing fields because what I wanted and thought mattered. It was very different for me, I have experienced that in a very long time. It felt constructive not confining and like I would be berated for mistakes. This feels like I have room to explore and grow, instead of needing to be perfect every second. It is such a different dynamic.

I took a lot to my T today. She was absolutely thrilled that I drew boundaries with my old teacher and had started with this new one. I for the first time in her office smiled and got so excited. To such an extent as to make her mention it. Something along the lines of her being "just so happy to see a smile like that, no one could fake that look on your face". It was of such excitement and joy. Remembering what it felt like to be excited about music. Getting to tell her how I even started playing flute because I happen to play 8 instruments, She reminded me the fact I can just pick them up is a talent. That it isnt just normal for people to be able to do that. It was because I said I didn't believe the very complimentary words my previous teacher said about me to the new one, and struggled to accept that the new teacher truly meant it when she said I was naturally very gifted. I have never believed anyone when they told me I was good, because I was never good enough. There was always some form of better I could be, which is true to an extent in music but to an unhealthy extent in my mind.

Music was a survival tool for me when I was younger, it was my escape from the severe abuse I was undergoing. It was a good deal of how I survived and stayed as kind and caring as I am. It isn't all of it, but it was a tool for survival. Then I moved to college and it became something I hated. I stressed endlessly, forgetting what it was I loved about my playing. I forgot what it was like to play for joy and to love hearing myself. I forgot how much talent I had because it was never enough. I didn't fit into the box my narc flute teacher needed me too. I wasn't my predecessor, we played differently, but she needed me to be that. I could never do any right. It crushed me.

I got to be angry in session today. To truly feel my anger for her. Putting my anger in the right place, feeling righteous anger felt good. It is difficult still, but I am coming to it. I got to be angry that she took so much from me, that someone who should have nutrured the talent everyone else seems to see( the talent she swore she saw) could steal what I loved most from me. I truly believed that part of me was gone, that I would never play with love and joy again. I thought that part of me was dead, that I would never have any piece of that back.  :'( :'( I have been grieving a part of my soul, for almost a year and a half. I am 23 and was convinced every dream I have ever had, and the biggest passion I have ever experienced was gone. I thought something that had been a part of my being to the core from before I remember was just gone and destroyed. I can't explain just how painful that is (as I sit here crying a bit as I write this)

I got to be angry for this, for all the ways she crushed me, for all the times I was mad at myself for not not being enough.. not strong enough, not good enough, not capable enough, not talented enough. I was so angry at myself because she turned it on me every time. I thought it was me for so long. I got to be angry today, at the right person. I paused when my T asked me to say to her what I wanted to say to my previous flute teacher (going to call the PTF for the remainder of this post). I suddenly got shy, and couldn't say the words yet. I am going to work on that, see if maybe next week that bit of roleplay will feel more doable. We tried to tap back in, and did tap back into my anger but she didn't try that again because I came up with a fresh thought.

Emdr is truly a miracle working thing for me. I can see progress and strength. I am reclaiming part of me that was gone. I am learning to play for myself, not for anyone else. To find my power in it, and learn to come back to the love I have for it. I am still a perfectionist musician so always wanting to be better, but I can remember why I loved this. I can see little bits of why it was I worked and did get into school. That maybe there is some truth in my new teacher's words. That my T's faith in me is warranted. She said that if I ever did decide to go back to this as a career path she was more than certain that I would succeed. That between my strength and what natural talent it appears I have that I could  do anything I wanted. I know she is my T and is supposed to encourage me but that meant the world still.

I am confronting my food issues as well. Being reminded how far I have come with that, because I don't want to lose weight in an unhealthy way. I still want to lose it but I don't want to make myself sick in order to do it.

I came home with such energy today that I couldn't sit still. Like with all the emotions from session that I had all the energy in the world. I opted to sing and dance while cooking dinner. To laugh at myself when I was a little clumsy and spun into the wall. Anger and excitement are such different emotions but both contain immense energy. The combination left me fueled and rearing to go. I do feel sadness with all of this as well, because there is sadness to remember what I went through. There is a sadness to what I lost for a while, and to all that I have been through

That was really long, and for anyone that read that (and this) I appreciate you. I normally try to keep these down, but this is the one space I can write this much. No need for anyone to fully read this, I understand. After moderating, my eyes get so tired of reading. So long posts can be hard, so I don't expect anyone to feel any differently.

I finally told one of my friends about some of my worst food issues. Some of the abusive ways it was used in my life. It felt good that someone else saw them as horrible. That my first abusers actions were horrible, and that my M reactions later in my life were crazy and not at all okay. None of it was okay.

I think that is my biggest take away from today. None of it was okay, not a bit of this was okay. What I went through, every layer of it, was not okay. I endured severe abuse and then lots of smaller versions of it. Not any ounce of that was okay or warranted. I was not wrong or bad, I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Nothing I did would have changed that. I was this beautiful, positive, caring little girl. Not an ounce of bad in her (I mean the normal childish bits of being mischievous but not truly bad). I didn't deserve any of it. I didn't do anything to deserve it even once, let alone thousands of times. Even as a teenager, and in my very early twenties I didn't deserve it. I was vulnerable to it because of what I had already been through. I was easily taken advantage of because I hadn't even begun to recognize everything I had been through, let alone begin to heal enough to have a sense of self. I didn't have the skills because the people that were supposed to teach me never did. I didn't deserve the things I went through as a teenager, and didn't deserve to have my passions destroyed because of a narcissistic that found me as an easy target.

For once, I feel that truth. I am mad about it, at the sheer amount of it. Angry at the right people for all of the hurt I never deserved.

Hey, Elpha. I read those 2 posts without losing interest. I don't really know much about music - I'm more . . . logical-technical and creatively, I'm more of a writer. But I know what it's like to lose interest or lack confidence in the things I love doing and many people in society do. Having some kind of teacher or guide is essential to developing not only these skills, but also our emotional confidence around it. To have that broken is just cruel. I've watched you practice and think about music through your journal for a bunch now, and while I can't comment on it technically, I see your dedication. That you're working hard and that your own failure is what allows you to learn from your mistakes.

I remember I wrote a journal entry about Richard Feynman who won the Nobel Prize in Physics. When he received it, he didn't care. He didn't care for fame, achievement or praise. He just wanted to enjoy learning what he loved. It's across disciplines, but I'm pretty sure it's universal in all types of the deepest learning, huh? Only when he stopped learning what and how others told him to did he find his own path to find something worthwhile and original to the world. But if he wouldn't have won the prize, it'd still be worthwhile to him.

Yes, you were a beautiful girl back then and now. It wasn't your fault. It was your abuser's fault. I'm glad you can feel anger at them now. I can't and don't care how you look, but I can tell you're beautiful on the inside.

Take care.  :hug:

Decimal, I am really glad you didn't lose interest. I felt like it was a bunch of rambling, but I needed to get it out. I have been processing so much lately. I am glad the way I write about music here shows my dedication to it, even when I had lost so much of it. Fighting to get it back has been a long journey. I think you are right in the fact we all need someone to teach us these skills, and help us gain the emotional confidence we need in it. Having the opposite really took a lot from me.

That type of learning is definitely universal. It is wonderful you follow physics, one of my best friends is a aspiring physicist. So it is good to hear about it from someone else as well.

Thank you for not caring how I look irl. I have never much cared about anyone on here in that manner either. I feel like we get to see much deeper. It is good to start placing the anger and blame where it belongs.

:hug:

dearest el, i am rendered nearly speechless with admiration, love, and pure enjoyment of you.  i saw no ranting, just breakthroughs of immense proportions that are giving way to such personal empowerment.  you are taking your life back.  i can't tell you how happy, overjoyed, i am for you. 

so glad the emdr is helping.  this is what trauma therapy is about at its best.  kudos to your t, and to your new flute teacher for being exactly what you've needed.   i'd give them a big hug, too, if i could.  but, here's one for you filled with warmth, happiness, and such a big smile.  love love love all over the place. :bighug:

I am so glad you see all of that in my posts form yesterday. It does truly feel like these are great breakthroughs, several at once which is huge. The work is finally starting to truly pay off. It is so nice to see you so overjoyed for me. I can imagine it I see vaguely like the reaction my T had to all of this yesterday. It was the most thrilled and excited that I have ever seen her be.

My T and new flute teacher are very healing for me. I have gotten lucky to have them both, especially my T at this point. She does hug me st the end of every session if I am okay with it, which has come to be a small healing gesture that I greatly appreciate. She found out in one session that I was one that valued those small bits of physical support and affection. Previously it had appeared that I wasn’t very touchy, so she had not yet offered. It is nice that’s she asks me at the end of each session, and I have the ability to say no at anytime. Good for a change

Either way, all that to say is I love the hugs you send. :bighug:

I have found today that this is all exhausting me a bit. It is all very powerful and such progress but it is mentally draining. I find that my mind has been sitting with the fact that none of it was okay, that none of it was warranted. My mind has decided that it is inportant to recognize and name the incidents, in its own way. It has been remembering things off and on, starting to see all the wrongs and finding some anger but also grief there. It is hard to remember so much and stay completely grounded. I shave managed so far but it is difficult to maintain.

The holiday isn't helping as I am remembering my last two long relationships and how the last one ended. It is just a lot for one mind to hold. Work could go two ways... it could be overwhelming and cause a trigger becususe I have been fighting them. Or it could be distracting enough my mind can come out of this processing. I am hoping for the latter

Warning this is probably going to sound like whiny venting....


I have been working about 60 hour weeks between two jobs for almost a month now. It is starting to kick my tail, because I am also in full fledged recovery, starting flute again, moderating, and trying to balance the responsibility of being alone. To top it off, it is not helping much of my financial worries so that stress really takes a toll still too.

There have been so many major changes or realizations in the last month that I cannot count. It is a lot to take in. I have also been eating completely healthy since the first of the month, which is good but has been a huge shift just for my body.

I went to do a great act of self care after getting off work today, laid down to take a nap instead of numerous things I could have started doing (there is always a giant list). I laid down and for whatever reason I felt this instant trigger into a fight or flight type response. My body went into survival mode for whatever reason.... there had been nothing to happen today to trigger that. Especially not in my apartment when I was going to do something so very good for me. I don't ever take naps because I hate giving into exhaustion.

So I calmed down and managed to lay down for a bit over an hour. I kind of dozed off but didn't fully. Got up a bit before my alarm would go off witha raging headache and completely nauseous feeling. My body just so angry and dehydrated feeling for no reason. I have drank so much water today, and eaten properly... ugh. I hate this beast because despite all my best intentions it still gets to me  :fallingbricks:

Just feel like crashing, and like I am this little ball of utter exhaustion and defeat tonight  :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :'(

Hey, it's really tough having to work yourself hard like that, Elpha. I remember I worked so hard a few days ago and fell sick with a fever. I'm good now, but geez, we can be really tough with our mind, body and emotions, really.

I'm worried. I'm sure you need to give yourself some rest, or else your body will find a way to get you to rest for you. It's great you're making the effort to. Not all of us have the time to rest enough, but even just a little of that guilty pleasure could give us some relief.

Take care.  :hug:

 :hug: :hug: Elphanigh. I hope your body allows you to have some rest.

Thank you both, my body did get sleep last night. However it was filled with a pretty horrific nightmare that I am not yet prepared to describe. It was one that I work up from, fell back asleep, and went back into... waking up multiple times having to ensure I wasn't covered in someone else's blood is not a pleasant time

geez, el, sounds horrible.  i've had those kinds of nightmares where going back to sleep only continues them.  i've learned that i have to get on the computer to reset my brain for a few hours before i even attempt going back to sleep.  i really feel for you, sweetie.

hope you eventually get the rest you need and deserve.  sending a hug filled with love, and sleep, beautiful sleep, restful sleep, healing sleep.

It really was.. I am still struggling with images of it. My subconscious and body are processing some sort of trauma, I just don't know what it is. I probably should have gotten up to reset but really was exhausted as my body was still in the state it was before I went to sleep. I am still trying to reset my self this morning, I had to get out of my apartment. So I went and got my cats some food (needed to do so soon anyways).

I will probably put some of this dream down here at some point, but I am still working on just settling it down first. I will need somewhere to put it though.

Thank you for a hug full of so much sleep. I am hoping tonight after work I will get it

Going to try to get some of this dream out of my system.

*trigger warning* for violence (I will skip the worst of it, but the gist will still be violent) none of this is real but it is in hindsight probably difficult to read. I don't really understand how my subconscious has so much fuel for nightmares


It was a really hard to follow one. At first, I was in a laser tag like fight with real weapons. This room was full of odd, high tech, but somehow realistic weapons. Everything had real bullets (not like lasers or anything) but it was all fast acting, and very old looking at the same time. We were experimenting with them at first, I was convinced into it. Somehow as this goes on, I ended up shooting one of my worst childhood abusers, like twelve times in the torso kind of shot him which means I killed him.

This flashed to a different section of this dream. It was the same lighting and feel to it, but a separate incident. I  flashed to a scene where I was running to save a friend of mine from HS. It started in an apartment I didn't recognize but seemed safe at first as I was with a good friend fiend of mine until someone came and asked us for help.

We arrived at this place prepared to heal him, but this place was just a bigger version of my current apartment. It was darker but I could tell it was mine. There were a few figures I knew but not super attached to. However the guy we were to heal was a old friend of mine. Skipping some of the middle here. Instead of healing him, I became the one to finish brutally murdering him. This time not a gun, it was with a knife of some sort. That section I am skipping but also is blurry for me anyways.

Then with his body in my kitchen I yelled at him to wake up, with one of the saddest most hurt screams I have heard. It was like I was a young girl looking at a dead friend, one who I desperately wanted to live and be alive. It was such an immense sadness, not in the fake kind of way. It meant no sense after having been the one to kill him. I held his hand just begging him to be okay. While I was covered in his blood on my kitchen floor.... That is the first time I woke up because I scared my poor cat because I screamed in real life...

Trying to separate these a bit. I am not going into more of the nightmare, there is a whole other section from when I went to sleep the second time. I don't want to go there though. The first was bad enough.

My nightmares normally mean I am processing some sort of big T trauma, or that something major is shifting in my mind. I am not sure exactly what this one is trying to process. I know the school shooting this week may have an affect on the nature of the dream. Reading about that and seeing some images can really have an affect.

I did shoot an abuser which could be part of the fact I am trying to process my anger now. The second one was a friend but something happened with him when I was younger. I hasp always just placed it in a different category. He was a good guy, and sometimes kids just experiment with things. I was like 11 or so, and he was convinced by the other abuser I shot in my dream to kiss me against a wall. It was forced but again, he was a good kid.. nothing ever happened more than that with him.

His death in my dream was done angrily but then I was so sad and hurt afterwards. Feeling small and terrified. So the fact I am scared of my anger as well. That I am scared to hurt anyone.. idk.

I have never been the one to murder or kill in my dreams. I am normally tortured or killed... not the one doing it. Honestly trying to figure out what it means but nothing really can fully answer it for me at this point. The above stuff kind of helps but doesn't feel like it is fully what my mind is trying to process

Hi Elpha,
Hope you are ok after your dreams - just wanted to pop by and say hello and say that I hope very much that you can sort out or work out what you're processing with your dreams - I also like to look at my own, and it can be hard sometimes.   :hug: to you, if that's ok.
Hope  :)

Hope, the hug is so very wonderful. Thank you  :hug: I am recovering from my dreams thankfully. It took me a while, but I am finally feeling a little more human.

those things can be so nasty and terrifying.  i've also had horrifying dreams when i was processing, making a change subconsciously, whatever.  i've also substituted people in my dreams for someone who felt safer to take my anger out on.

for example, i went through a couple of years of dreaming about getting angry at my sister (she was a bully to me when we were kids) that disturbed me greatly.  eventually, i came to realize i had substituted my sister for my daughter who i'm now nc with.  for the longest time i didn't think it was ok to be enraged at my d because of her own mental illnesses, even tho she abused me horribly most all her life.

when i was finally able to make the switch to being angry at my daughter, was able to realize the reality behind my anger, the nightmares stopped.  many years later, i had more angry dreams about my sister, but i know they were about her and what happened between us.   they didn't have the same horrific feeling about them, either, altho they were still disturbing.

anyway, the friend in your dream may have been a less scary substitution for someone else against whom you have a lot of anger but aren't necessarily ready to identify that person and get it out yet.  i don't know - i just remember it worked that way for me.

very sorry you're having to go thru this, el.  this crap is so far-reaching into our minds, it's nearly unbelievable.  still, i'm hopeful that it means something positive for you in the end.  hang tough, sweetie.  you'll get thru this, as awful as it is.  it just p's me off once again that the suffering from what happened is so far-reaching.   loving warm  hug to you, sweetie.

I am glad it isn't just me that has had these sometimes. I always have horrific dreams, but I don't normally murder people. It has just been a hard set of images in my head today. Hopefully, I will figure out what the reason is for it. The idea that it is someone else I am angry at that I just can't quite name or handle is a wise thought. I am not sure if that is it, but hopefully I will find out soon. I don't want this strand of nightmares to last as long as the last ones.

I am glad to know that it got easier for you once you realized, and am hoping that is something I can experience as well.

Thank you for being a bit angry for how far reaching this stuff is. It takes so much from all of us, including in this case the little bit of sleep and rest I have. Also just in general a sense of peace that I might have otherwise had. *sigh* oh well, this too shall pass

 :bighug:  to you my sweet el.

Awe, thank you dear. I did sleep last night for about seven hours, it was nice. I had a weird dream but not one that bothers me. Your hug full of sleep had an affect, San :bighug:

glad you had some decent sleep, finally.  i really am.  i'm terribly protective of my sleep cuz it's so choppy, and i wasn't able to sleep well for so very many years in the past.  i'm just so glad i'm at a place where i can catch up, sleep during the day. 

love and a warm hug to you, sweetie.

Thank you. My sleep is so precious to me, as i am so active right now. Between working 50-60 hours and week, and truly commiting to full time recovery I need the rest whenever I can get it.

I am glad you are at a plave where you can sleep when you need to my dear..one day I will have so much sleep to catch up on. My sleep habits now are bad, but in college they were abysmal. I spent months kind of making up for that.

I am hopeful tonights sleep will be peaceful as well. I certainly need it to be. I worked a straight 12 hour shift with no real break today. My feet and bad knee really ache.

 :hug:

I am trying to decide what tomorrow's session will hold for me. There has been a lot that has happened since Tuesday. That horrific nightmare, and then two nights of odd dreams. They haven't been scary by my standards but they have been packed full of things to consider. There has been the anger that surfaced, the realization that I deserve to be angry for all the things that happened. Being able to say that none of it was right, but also this tug of uncertainty regarding certain memories.

There are a few old memories that I feel this tug towards, logically knowing they aren't my fault but there is a piece of me that feels unable to let go of that. Definitely worth exploring those. I know they are painful ones though. Things I couldn't explain when I started this process with my T, and honestly I am not sure I have the ability to stay in my window of tolerance with them. But won't know unless I try, I guess.

The anger though has been a big one to sit with as well. It is also a great deal to process and something that I risk going outside the window too because in the sense it sits in right now it sees the abuse in as much of a whole as I can. Sitting with the whole picture of what I went through. As anyone who has read my posts on here knows, I have been through a great deal. It is hard to hold onto at once.

Then there is music, having it back is good but a process. It brings back some what ifs though. I want it to answer some questions for me but that puts some pressure on it to help me know what it is I want. These are some large powerful questions.

My family brings back some things too. My S has had to move back in with my parents for a while, her bf decided he didn't want the stress of the baby they were having together... he has been supportive for about six months and has suddenly backed out of their relationship. Wants the kid but not the pressure of being with her. Either way my niece is going to grow up in my parents house for a time, hopefully not long but long enough. I know my M has gotten better but it is hard to fathom as all I want is to save my niece so she has a life that was different than mine. I want her to never know abuse the ways I have... kind of like my kitten who has never known a moment of abuse or true hate. She is so curious, trusting, and loving. It is a different sort of life, and I wish it for everyone I can.

I have spent so much time trying to end the cycle, as has my S. I want that to come to fruition for that little girl.

I do also want to get better with food. I have been better but I know in me watching my diet right now I run the risk of old habits. I want to ensure some safety for myself in this

so many areas to explore for you, el.  biggies, too.  wow.  i'm glad you're being cautious about your window of tolerance.  that stuff can become overwhelming pretty quickly if we're not careful.

i had a similar thing happen to me with my first hub - i was 7 1/2 mo. pregnant when he decided he didn't want to be married anymore.  i ended up having to move back across the country and live with my mom and her hub for a bit before i could get my own place.  it was a tough time all the way around.  i'm sorry your sis is having to go thru it.  sucks.

if she's also aware and in the midst of breaking the cycle, i don't doubt she'll shield your niece as best she can till she can get out, too.   i have faith.

in the meantime, hang onto you.  you're most important right now.  sending a loving hug filled with compartments for all you're contemplating.  take care of you, sweetie.

Thank you so much for hold such a space for me, and reminding me I am most important right now. My sister will do what she needs to, and my FOO is much healthier now than they ever were when I was there. She will be okay.

I don't have therapy today after all. I am saddened by that only because I wanted to start tackling some more, but recognize the break is probably also good considering all that the end of this week holds. It also gives me time to rest and get some things done today. The weather is dangerous today, so getting out in the ice was too much for most everyone. My T has decided to not work in the ice as a precaution which is totally okay. I just can't meet with her this week because my schedule is completely jam packed.

All of it is biggies. I mean there is always smaller stuff but it is the big ones that have started occupying my mind more. Thankfully my T has taught me to be cautious of my window of tolerance, and she is great about being able to sense where I am in it. Sometimes I try to take off more than I can actually chew. She is good about sensing it. Has come with time, as she has learned how I react to various things.

sounds like a great t, el, in that she is sensitive to your needs and watching out for you.  i love that.  you deserve it.  big hug, sweetie.

Thank you dear. I think she is a wonderful T and just who I need right now. I got truly lucky to find her. I love that she cares so much too, it helps immensely. Big hug back  :hug:

I second that it's wonderful your T is sensitive to your needs. I also love that she's taught you about the window of tolerance, and that you're also more aware of it.
It's brilliant progress to know that sometimes you do chew off more than you can bite.

I'm sorry that the T couldn't see you today, but like you write. I hope you took a break and did some self-care instead.

Thank you, Sceal. It has been a long journey but the progress is finally visible in this area. I appreciate you validating that. I did take some time for really nice self care today. I could have used some processing time with her but not seeing her doesn't derail me this week.

Going to whine here a bit. Just feeling like i wish recovery wasn't so darn hard... that it didn't take away energy I so desperately need in other places..

Working these hours, and keeping up would be so much easier if I wasn't constantly fighting to heal and be better. Now that I hsve opened up the road and done so much work I can't just go back and decide not to anymore.... it doesn't work like that. So I find that I feel like this exhuasted shell of myself anytime I try to work more than 10 hours, or lack a little bit of sleep... and truly exhaustion can happen even from just doibg small things sometimes.

It is utterly frustrating to be 23 and exhausted more than half the time.  To feel like I should be able to keep up, but can't because someone else decided to cause me such pain when I was younger... because this #%$& brain injury of sorts. It is unfair, and I just can't stand it right now.  :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:

It is downright awful and annoying as *0"¤% to be exhausted so much, and it doesn't help when you look at otherwise healthy people and all they are able to do. It just suck!
It's good that you are able to recognize that it comes from all the hard work that you're putting in to improve your quality of life. The work that you're doing is invaluable, and I hope that you soon will feel a little lighter. That it wont drain your energy as much as it does now.

I'd like to give you a hug, if that's okay? :hug: Or maybe a cup of tea, if you prefer that

Thank you so much for validating this, Sceal  :hug: I would love that hug

i'd like to jump on that validation wagon, el.  what you're doing is enormous amounts of hard work, physically, emotionally, and mentally.  it's really no wonder you're exhausted.  the load you're carrying around would certainly do that.  and definitely, it sucks.

whine, vent, rant away, sweetie.  we're just glad you can get it out.  i hope it helps lighten the load.  rest when you can.  it's not fair and you didn't deserve this, that's for sure.  sending a warm loving hug filled with a crane to help lighten your load.  it will carry some of it for a bit so you can get a little peace.

My dear,  thank you so much  :hug: It is utterly exhausting to be working so much, carrying my cptsd demons, recovering, helping my S, and starting back up all that I am. (Oh, and moderating)  I think even without recovery it would be exhausting but that adds a giant layer. Thank you for validating how much I am carrying. It helps to feel heard, and to not have to feel guilty for whining and venting.  It is so very much, writing it down helps to release it some.

As I sit here eating lunch, on my very short break,  the visual of you holding somw of this for just a second helps me breathe a little deeper.

Thank you for all that you do. I think of you alot, both as  just the sense of comfort you bring, and as someone I have trult come to care for. Giving a hug full of warmth and love right back  :hug:

Quote from: Elphanigh on February 23, 2018, 05:54:30 PM
It is utterly exhausting to be working so much, carrying my cptsd demons, recovering, helping my S, and starting back up all that I am. (Oh, and moderating)  I think even without recovery it would be exhausting but that adds a giant layer.

I think you are strong to carry so much, and I would like to send you a warm  :hug:  I hope you get some rest and sleep well - so that the exhaustion will not be so draining and I wish you the best.
Hope  :)

Thank you so much Hope  :hug: :hug: I finally got to release some of the underlying emotions last night, so I slept about ten and a half hours. Feel kind of like a brand new person this morning because of it.

I haven't been able to respond as much to others posts in the last several days, because I have had too much swirling in my own brain to even truly post for myself. Think I am on an uphill afternoon last night but we will see. This beast is truly a difficult one to handle sometimes, and I find myself wishing more and more I could just be normal... that isn't a particularly helpful mindset so I am working to be more patient and reframe it.

I hit a lot of things in therapy last night, and got really overwhelmed after session. Small emotional flashback turned into more of a traditional flashback which hasn't happened in a while. Instead of one image it was a group of them that rotated as I was trying to shove them back so I could get home. I hope for a day that I don't have these happening so frequently or with so much strength to them.

I took the night off so I can come home and recover. No one would cover my morning, but st least my night is covered. Self care to take a bit of time off, whether or not it is entirely wise.

I talked openly about being angry and wishing that there was some sense of remorse or consequences for my abusers, but that there never will be... that for the first time I truly wish there was. I wish that they couldn't just go on living normal lives while I feel like my life is on pause because of them. With that I addressed the nightmares I had about murdering a few people, it was good to address them in a place where I could figure out more of the source of them. But also difficult to kind of relive them.

Then about being afraid my S is going to remember when she has her baby. Sometimes people begin to remember when they have kids, and I am terrified of her remebering. Of her opening that wound, cutting me off, talking to our M etc... worried if she does remember and comes to me instead. Not knowing what to say or do as I wouldn't blame her if she blamed me for what she went through. I protected her for years, but likely she never saw that and would only remember the times I failed her. So here I am afraid to have myself outed essentially. My T pointed out that it may not be the worst thing in the world for my parents to have to deal with the fact they didn't protect me, and to have to recognize that I have been carrying so much by myself for as long as I can remember. If one day I feel like that will be helpful I wold tell them, but at the moment the possible emotional backlash is not at all something I need or old handle. Maybe one day though.

Touched on some body dysmorphia that I have, because I feel the need to drop weight and really by anyone standards don't need to. I am a whole 145 and a size 6 or 8 depending... so not really a need by health standards but for me it is hard to be as big as I am. It was good to finally talk to her about some of those beliefs.

Then a coworker of mine that came to work to work drunk and was hanging on me. I definitely froze and then fawned.. two of my big four F responses. She pointed out that even sheprobably would have been caught off guard so I did not need to feel so frustrated with myself.

Anyways, here I am with a ton to process and very little mental capacity after last nights events. Those images still haunt the back of my head a bit. It is a thin line I will ride today.... sometimes I feel like I have made such progress and other times it feels like I am making none...

you are definitely making progress, sweetest el.  there is no doubt in my mind - the way you handled yourself last nite, getting yourself home to a safe place was truly magnificent.  i doubt you'd have been able to do that 6 mos. ago.  you brave, beautiful thing, you.

i'm really glad you took some time off work to just let yourself be with all this.  the kinds of things you mentioned are huge, to be sure.  whether your sis remembers or not is something you can't control.  the fact that there is no justice for our abusers is also, sad to say, beyond our control.  the idea of your protectiveness over your sis, well, we know you did that, you know you did that, and you can be assured in your mind that it is a symbol of the goodness in your heart that makes up so much of you.

i hate the idea that our abusers get off scot free and it still bugs me even tho i want to let it go.  it's such a huge injustice in our lives that we have to live with.  i think i'm most upset about that fact almost more than any other.   

take care of yourself, sweetie, as best you can.  sending a hug filled with love, peace, care, and some soothing balm for your troubled mind. 

Thank you, dear. I need to be reminded of my progress sometimes, in the moment it feels like such regression.

Taking off time was probably wise. I am very antsy as I am about to go into my lunch shift, hopefully it will be calm. I need it to be. I am sitting with a lot of large issues, that alk got touched on but aren't at all settled. You are right that both of those things are out of our control, which is frustrating. If I wver wanted I could press charges but I will never do so. It isnt worth the backlash. 

As for my sister i can't  control her remembering out she ever does. I do hope that she sees the goodness in me like yot and so many other people see.  I did wish for people tosee that part of my heart, not some of the less lovable bits.

I will do all that I can for myself today. For now that means a warm drink before going into work, and just hoping for a short day

I find that I feel bad for leaning so much on people. I need to sometimes, that is such a human thing but I recognize that it means my past affects the people I love too. Not just me, because I automatically come with it. If I care enough about a person at some point my past will affect them, whether or not I want it to.

It is probably part of what I was feeling last night. Knowing that my past becomes a burden to people I care about and let in.. even to people that don't know it is the case

I did a huge, brave thing today!!! I finally talked to one of my bosses about me having cptsd. She has just gotten back from a big training and I wanted to say something before she went but was too scared. I couldn't talk to the two male managers I have because I didn't feel safe with them,  especially since one of them regularly triggers me (he is well intentioned with a big heart). So the female manager reacted very well. Saying she had worked with other people with cptsd or ptsd. She had ideas of how to be helpful already. I needed to have someone that knew and could have my back, I needed it months ago but was so scared that someone would look at me differentlt. She was the exact opposite. Asked if she could hug me because she and I were close as servers before she became a manager. She was sp afraid I was leavinf because I told her I wanted to talk, and she wants to help me talk to the triggering manager next week.

So long story short, I was brave and shared. Hopefully making my work enviroment less stressful and more healthy for me. Next weeks convo will be a hard one but I feel like she has my back now.

wow.  just wow.  look at you.  i'm so so so very glad that turned out well for you.  very brave, indeed.

i think i mentioned on another thread that when we care about another person, the pos. and neg. comes with that - the support, the worry, the vicarious pain, but also the pleasure of being near them (even in cyber space), being happy for their accomplishments, knowing that they're well and safe.

it's part of a relationship, a two-way street.  even here, we have choices to read, respond, get involved with at some level with others.  it's always a choice.  we don't have to become involved, but the pos. to me far outweigh the neg.  it's why i stay close to this forum - sure, i hate knowing that people i care about are in pain or suffering, but so very glad when their day goes well or they accomplish a goal, stand up for themselves, or even just enjoy their day.

it's all worth it, or i wouldn't be here anymore.  you don't have to feel bad about it - this is something we want to do, pos. and neg.  does that make sense?  love and a big hug, el, no matter what you're going thru.

Thank you, San. It was a giagantic thing for me. I am nervous for talking to my other boss early next week. I have the female ones support on it, but it isn't a nerve wracking thing to do. For now, just need to celebrate that the first one went well.

I love how you phrased all of that, thank you. It is good to hear all of that's and kind of put it in perspective. I make those decisions all the time, so I shouldn't be worried about someone else doing the same.

Loving hug right back  :hug:

Quote from: Elphanigh on February 28, 2018, 09:20:23 PM
I did a huge, brave thing today!!! I finally talked to one of my bosses about me having cptsd.

So long story short, I was brave and shared. Hopefully making my work enviroment less stressful and more healthy for me.

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

 Thank you for celebrating that, blueberry.   Really appreciate all the encouragement and wonderful words I received here.

I have had to do a lot of care for my younger self today because of this. I know it is progress but even in that progress it seems has a step back.  I think I royally freaked out my littles. Something like that is still very scary to them  because when I said anything back then I was berated or ignored. No one believed in helping me. Going and being vulnerable even for those few minutes was difficult for adult me and even more so for them.  I brought back a lot of feelings of needing comfort and needing to know it all be okay. Part of me that wanted a better mom a parent that would save me, or even a teacher or mentor to come and save me.

I know that’s not what I’m doing here with the work thing. I’m taking charge and doing what I need for adult me but it definitely stirs up a lot for younger versions of me. I sat and did some ego state work today after I had kind of settled down from the conversation I had. There are parts of me that hold such sadness right now, I just sat and cried with them for a bit. I’ve been trying to find the nurturing self that I give to everyone else and turn it inward. It’s still a large work in progress. Honestly, I’m not sure I’ll ever be very good at it but at least I’m trying.

I feel like I’ve been a huge mix of emotions for a week now and certainly for the last couple of days. Processing through anger and hatred, but at the same time recognizing just deep sadness and grief within myself too. Grief over it not being saved and all the things that should have been had I been given healthy adults in my life. There’s a sadness that comes from knowing  that people enough to save me and didn’t. But because I was the perfect student with straight A’s, was overly involved, leadership roles and everything, and otherwise appeared to be the perfect teenager or even gradeschool students. No one found it worth risking the loss of that. Knowing that all the things I could do for other people  was worth more than who actually was as a person is saddening.

I just wanted to be saved and I tried to be perfect to be worth saving but because I  looked so perfect on the outside no one wanted to risk saving me. It wasn’t worth ruining their test scores, or perfect little image of what I was to  everyone around me. Everyone had something to gain from me so no one could help me. I helped them, made them look good, even saved a few lives that was  not enough. My life wasn’t important enough to them, my well-being was not enough. For that I am sad .

My Littles hurt a lot tonight, even adult me hurts a lot tonight. I see so much progress in some of the things I am doing, but it means I’m facing more of the bad witch just brings a lot of hurt. This journey is important and enlightening  but it is sometimes the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. :fallingbricks:

i definitely agree with you, el, that this is the most painful of journeys.  i'm not surprised you're all roiled around inside - it really has been a roller coaster week for you and your littles.  i think you're doing a really great job with them, and with yourself.  you're taking back your power that was stolen from you so long ago.  that deserves grieving.

this is such hard work at times, but i admire your strength and courage in tackling it, allowing your vulnerability (that takes so much courage), and doing all these things that are so important to your progress and recovery.   you're an inspiration, el, and that shining light of yours just keeps getting brighter and brighter.

warm, loving hug, sweetie.

I am so glad I came here during my lunch break. Reading this helps me feel better about still being scattered and emotional. I can function at work today but there is a lot underlying things today.

It is great to have validation thst this journey is in fact painful.  I feel like I am putting myself back through the * went through everyday, all in the name of one day being better or healed. Hard to keep my head up through it all sometimes.  :fallingbricks:

I am trying my best, and hope that i can be that inspiration to some. I forget that I can be sometimes, because I get so caught up in the ways I struggle. Forgetting that I am doing more than struggling. I am claiming back so much, and learning who I am all at once. Recovery at an age when I am just figuring out life is more than I bargained for but i am glad I am doing it most days.

My nightmare last night was particularly strong again. However, this time after I had gone back to sleep and woken up for the day I could see some power in the way my mind I shaping them. It was scary as one of my abusers had a knife and a new friend. Swinging it around to hurt me and my S. We were in this place that had elements of a lot of places I have been/ seen. It was alluded to that he had already raped me and was as after my S.

This dream doesn't follow the line of my memory anymore though. I managed to keep the knife and him away from her. I also managed to get help (via cell phone). I scared my abuser and his friend away. I saved her and me from getting cut or worse. I woke up before the help got there but I know getting a hold of them worked, as my abuser realized it and left.

The first time I woke up I was terrified and jumpy. I turned on a light, made some tea, and walked around my apartment a bit before going back to sleep. The dreams that follow that memories outline are always really horrible for me. The one where I protect her physically but don't succeed. I have nightmares and always have that follow that's outline. Many details changed. For example, the knife, friend, and age are all different in this one. But the basic outline is there... and the tree.. the tree is always there.

However the second time I woke up, I realized I saved her and me in this one. I reached out for help and became strong enough to defeat him. Knowing I had help was enough to defeat him, and save us. I would say the meaning in this dream is pretty clear. I have been so productive this morning, and feeling more powerful than I have in quite a while because of it.

It was terrifying but there is power in it. I think my subconscious realizes I am truly claiming some of my power back. That I am truly beginning to heal. In amongst the craziness that this month has held it is a relief to get a sense of that.

That sounds really strong and powerful. Your subconscious is changing the outcome and in doing so is re-writing that almost indelible message of 'victim overcome by abuser / no escape' imo. Does that make sense? Or would you interpret differently? Feel free to disagree, it is your dream after all. But that's what occurs to me.

Message is almost indelible but not quite! We can change it through work, and you seem to be doing so.  :cheer:

That is definitely what I have come to see it as too. I am glad this work does seem to be paying off  :cheer:

yay for you, sweetie.  i've loved having those dreams where i finally stand up to my abuser(s).  sometimes i've even become physically violent in real life - that was pretty trippy, but it did feel empowering.  hugs.

Thank you dear.  I definitely don't like having them but can appreciate the change in the narrative at least

I think it's great that you managed to stand up to your abuser and win the  fight in your nightmare!
I know some T's use dreams and nightmares in their therapy and making the patient change the nightmare, by saying what she would have done different if she could have. And slowly by slowly retaking control that way - but it seems your unconcious is already making you do that!

Wow. I didn't know there could be victories even in sleep. That's great progress.  :applause:

Thank you both. It is a good victory, my nightmares are normally very different.

Sceal, I did that with a nightmare right before the first of the year. It was a different nightmare, and different memory narrative, but changing it them helped me stop having it for a time. It is the same with regular memories. My T is good about letting me go through them like that to process them.

Decimal, I think there can be victories everywhere. Although in sleep is a new one

Hi Elpha,
I haven't read your actual dream, but I just wanted to say that it sounds like you're making progress with changing the endings - and that sounds really positive. 
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :hug: :)

My therapy session today was very powerful, processing things with my old flute prof again. Emdr is truly a wonderous modality. Hit on some frustration but then truly grief. It ended with a very powerful feeling. Felt some of my choice back, and just this healing bit. Recognizing that I am starting to claim back a piece of me, that she no longer controls me.

There is also a very strong defense mechanism that I built in. Recognizing that I did dissociate a lot to separate the pain from it at the time. To cut the part of me away, very strong dissociation as a survival tactic. Meaning the part of me does exist it just got separated. Which is how it has felt as I have been exploring this again.

I recognize there is still a great deal of fear surrounding feeling excited and passionate. I have a part of me that holds excitement and passion, but it is fragile and something I feel like I have to protect. There is a fear to feel that passion for anything, not just music. For philosophy, or finding a career to help people, or for even just day to day hobbies etc. There is a fear o let myself feel that's passion too much because I need to protect it. We worked on releasing some, but she recognizes that we can't get rid of that fear until it feels safe to let go of it, which it doesn't now.

I have been feeling this pressure to choose a career path, to figure out where my life was going. But it isn't time tim choose because I can't let that's passion be felt yet. It is why I have been able to choose, because I need a true burning passion and have that tucked away for now. It will hopefully come in time, but I need to learn to give myself that time. To not feel so much pressure in my upcoming birthday. I turn 24 in about a month and I think has been bringing up so much pressure and dread because I am not where's I have it all figured out.

This is all I have energy to type for now but know there will be more to come

I did eventually feel a bit of the energy zap that EMDR can create. It is really good to have gotten a bit of powerful energy before hand though.

This morning I am more in tune with the bits of grief I was processing yesterday. For some reason, I can't cry in my T office yet. It has only happened once in a year. Yesterday was very close but just never got to the point I could. Maybe that is a sign that grief isn't as overwhelming as it has been in the past, or it is simply my inability to cry in front of most people. There have been a few in my life I could but only a few.

For me back then I had lost a home, or my version of it. Music and the stage were my home, and there were very few moments in college that it felt like that . Mattter of fact, a close friend of mine drove me home last night and pointed out the fact that she had not heard me say that I felt like I wanted to go just play flute for hours since very early our freshman year. I said it last night to her, which prompted this. I lost that part of myself so early on, it was like an entirely different relationship with music for the last five years. My T noted that she thinks there was a lot of dissociation, which I was able to use when I was young but didn't think I had used as much as I got older. It feels right now, with the way these feelings and pieces are coming back to me.

I was forced to give up s home, the only truly good home I had ever had. That would break a girl's heart very understandably so. I need to let this process do what it will, I think. Try not to push music into being that place again. It is too much pressure for me to expect of myself. It is good to have it back, and I do get really joyful but I can't  expect it to be completely what it was. I can't  expect myself to ever want and dream of that career again. If I do, than that is good, but if I don't that is also okay. Having this bit of my soul back is important as is

I feel like music has become such a large piece of my healing. It is interesting how it was part of my survival and now it is part of my healing.

dearest el, i'm very glad your therapy is going well, that you're being able to release some of what doesn't benefit you anymore.  that's so great.

talking about passion for something.  that's how i felt about being a therapist.  i was passionate about it, felt like it was where i belonged and what belonged with me in my life.  unfortunately, it was cut short.   i had to run away, and eventually became too sick to be able to do it anymore, even on my own time, in my own home.

it sounds like your passion is changing into something, like you said, that used to be for survival and is now part of healing.  i think that's part of what i do here - resurrect some of my therapy stuff on this forum as part of my healing now.  funny how that works.

i would have never thought of it that way except for you speaking of your passion that way.  thanks for that.  i know that you will figure out what's right for you eventually.   you have so much 'eventual' before you, and i'm so very glad about that for you.  you are a lovely being, el.  love and a warm hug to you.

Thank you, San. Your words always give me hope and encouragement  :hug:

I hope I can feel that passion towards something again. It will take a while to allow myself to do so. I have three career options in front of me, but I need to have access to my passion and inner fire to decide that for myself. I need to figure out where my heart lies the most. For now, it is still stuck under a layer of fear and apprehension.

I am glad this space gives you a way to do some of that for yourself as well. It is good to be in touch with that, even though you could not continue it for too long

I hope that there is in fact a lot of of eventual ahead of me. I have never been sure of that

Hi Elpha. It's tough to make life decisions like these but I'm glad you've at least be able to form an idea of what you don't know. That's the start of it.

Just a suggestion, Elpha. But you might want to look at Cal Newport's book, "So Good They Can't Ignore You," where he provides evidence against for the idea that passion is found, but argues that it can be created, and tells people how to do so.

Whatever decisions you make, I trust that after all the hard work you've done, you'll figure this out too.

Decimal, I will definitely look into that book. It sounds really intriguing, and like something I really need right now. Thank you for always having faith in all my hard work, and constantly having such valuable insights  :hug:

I haven't posted in this journal in a week, that is a long time for me. So much has happened, and I have posted elsewhere about it. However, today this feels like the place to come. I haven't really be able to read other people's posts, which means I have also not been moderating. My goal is to step back into that role on Monday, or maybe later tomorrow night. Not going to rush this.

I have found my ability to cry today, as much as I didn't want to cry it is a sign of progress here. It shows me more in my adult self because I am feeling a grief for that 5 year old part of me. I am no longer in her fear and terror. Crying is cleansing too, it has been days of extreme emotions and experiencing some of my horrors again. Things I wish I could forget and just most on, even though I know it will never work like that. The only way to heal is to go through because I do and will always have my memories.

All that being said, I am exhausted emotionally. I have had to take off work a couple of days this week and allow myself to not get house work done. It has been all I can do to continue to work on being less dissociated and in the younger part of myself.  It seems as if I am finally getting out of that but that coming out presents its own challenges and emotions. Thus the crying of cleansing tears. I want to feel like I will get back to my normal but it is so difficult to believe at this point. There is a lot left to process and I know Tuesday's session will only begin this process again. Hopefully with no massive triggers the next day but it will keep the emotions and memories alive.

This journey is important, and it will give me more out of my life later. For now though it feels like it sucks so much from me. Hard to keep my head up through all of it. I am a generally positive, and strong person but it is difficult to stay positive all the time. I know there is progress in all of this, and I am facing new bits of my trauma.. I just have to keep telling myself it is worth it.

In session many things stuck with me, but in particular after I told my T one of the reasons I am so scared of doctors in general. I have a memory of being around 10 (after I had broken my collar bone) and was at the doctor and had to take all my clothes off. My mom was there and told me it was okay even though I told her I didn't want to. After that it gets to be blurry, I have no idea what happened after that bit. I just feel some panic and fear surrounding it. No way to tell if anything more happened or if it was just a trigger for me that caused me to dissociate. I am still not entirely sure how to feel about it tbh.

I go back fully tomorrow, I am determined to really be able to do what I need to. I tried on Friday and managed my barista job, but have not gotten to do my serving job yet. I am determined to rock it tomorrow, to come back out of the shell I feel like I am in. Here's hoping this healing night will be what I need it to be.

Going to go sit on the porch I think.

the porch sounds like a good idea after what you've been thru. 

take all your clothes off for a collar bone?  my sister broke both of hers, that didn't happen either time.  no wonder the whole thing is blurry for you.  just the idea of sitting there with no clothes would be enough to undo someone, especially at that age.

so much strength, perseverance, determination, el.  i give you so much credit.  you're going thru such a rough part of this process right now.  holding your hand if you want - i don't want you to feel alone.

love and a warm, gentle hug for you, dearest el.

San, the porch is a great idea right now,

Yes, honestly I am not sure if it was for the collar bone or if it was a general check up that happened to coincide with it. Although I had so few general check ups that that I am pretty sure it was mostly arm based. Makes one wonder... and me just shudder a little because I don't know.

I am glad you see strength and perseverance in me. It feels like all I am doing it trying and fighting... that it will continue to just be that for a while. I know I am going through an intense phase of healing work, that I am going through some really difficult beginning stages. I am trying to remind myself this is the tough part. Going through each of my worst memories, unintentionally but that is kind of what is happening. I am processing things for the first time in most cases. It is a lot to discover and to feel... this process is exhausting and I am hoping there is a reprieve in the future, that this journey is not always so crazy making.

San I will gladly hold your hand. I definitely need to not feel alone. Knowing you are here truly helps me  :hug:

always with you, el, always.  you sweet, precious thing you.  this, too, shall pass.  it will get easier eventually.  much love and a big hug

Thank you for that reassurance. I go back to work fully today so I am hopeful I am as back in myself as I think I am. Will be an interesting adventure, and probably good for me. Tomorrow I will try to moderate, I do want back to that but one thing at a time.

It is good to never have to be alone in this. I had no idea what this place would be like when I joined, it nevertheless occurred to me how important the people here would become to me. Thank you for helping be part of that my dear.  :hug:

Yes, one thing at a time.  :thumbup: that one by one things are getting back into place for you.  :hug: 

Thank you Blueberry.  :grouphug:

 :hug: 💓

 :hug: :hug: :hug:♥️♥️ Thank you, dear

 :hug:

Little me did so well in session today. I am really proud of her, and got to recognize she was brave and good. Same with adult me, it takes courage for me too. Anyways, I went into session really nervous to dive back in after the week I have had but I was determined to tackle it and keep going.

We did a kind of emdr, exposure therapy, and ego state mix today. Eventually it should get to where I can process it fully in Emdr. Basically taking the image of the worst part of what I need to process and sitting with it for tiny bits of time, then regrounding, slowly increasing that time as my reactions are more level and as I dissociate less. While checking in with the younger ego states that struggle more with this.

We are essentially mothering that part of me because she really didn't get any of that. I got mildly emotional at being called brave and good today by my T because it was something no one ever called me when I was younger.

I hope next week I can get more fully okay with the image so I can start to process it. For the moment it is very exposure therapy like in a healthy way of course. I want to keep being strong. I did very well in session, staying very present and with my emotions never hitting above a five. I think spending time with little Elpha truly helped this week. I have a bit of a renewed determination :hug:

Although a headache to go after this processing :/

I finally find myself feeling stronger the last few days. There is a ton I need to tend to and that gets overwhelming but I am finding that I cannot remember to breathe and focus on it in bits. My session Tuesday really helped me be able to put away some of what I was processing, in order to function on a day to day basis. I am still working with my Littles, and this process but it is more manageable.

I think I have gotten little Elpha to a place she is calm and able to trust me a bit more. Goodness knows I don't blame her for not trusting me for a while there, I tried to put her through too much too quickly. It is a learning process to remember to think about the younger parts of me everyday. Remembering that I am still working to heal them and include them, which means for now that I need to be cautious enough to think through big steps more thoroughly. This process is crazy sometimes but it will mean better things for me one day. I am convinced

In a different note, I have really been giving weight to what I want to consider as I move forward in life. I do really think there is a piece of me that could make a good therapist and advocate. That part of me would be happiest knowing I was making a large difference for people more directly in this world. Everything I have ever considered as a career was meant to help people and this world in one way or another. I have always formed those plans around how I could help better the world. Maybe just maybe I am meant to do so more directly with people. Maybe I am meant to follow the drive to help people a bit more closely. I honestly have never contemplated it with such seriousness because I did not believe I would ever be capable of helping anyone, because I was too broken. Now I realize that may not be the case. That maybe my experience is exactly what the field needs, people need advocates and professionals that understand. Goodness knows I wished I had someone that understood as I was growing up, or even until before I found my current T..

Big things in my mind, not sure if it is what I will do but for once I am seriously contemplating it. For once I feel like maybe I would be capable of making a difference for people in a big way. That maybe I am not too broken to help others... maybe it is my experience that can be the biggest asset. I have drive for other things, but knowing everything I have ever wanted to do was shaped around helping people leads me to believe that maybe this drive is the stronger one.

Lots to contemplate.

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: Feeling stronger and having got to a place where little Elpha trusts you better! Yay you! I didn't read the rest. SElf-care and all that.  ;)

Good self care Blueberry  :hug: Thank you for reading even a bit of it! The other stuff was just future contemplations

i'll tell ya, el, my experience both in life and with therapy allowed me to connect with clients on levels that other t's couldn't touch.  i was able to get thru to some of the tougher communities, such as addicts and adolescents, that other t's stayed away from cuz they thought there wasn't a very good chance of 'success' with them.  i found the challenge invigorating.

if that's the route you go, i think you'd be marvelous at it.  with your philosophy background, you already have a mind that looks at situations from different angles, creatively, and personally.  i believe that's what the best t's do - consider each person who comes thru their door as an individual, looks for the positives, and makes decisions for treatment that are specific to their personality and background.

even if you don't go that route, i am smiling to know that you're looking toward your future so confidently now that you believe you can aid and assist humanity at a fundamental level.  wow - you are definitely an inspiration.  how far you've come.

even your musical background plays into this - adding trills here and there, a little more or less pressure depending on your own mood and emotions toward the piece.  all of that plays a part in looking toward your future.

so very proud of you, sweetie, if it's not untoward to be so.  you swell my heart.  that light is finding its way, not only lighting your present, but showing you ways into your future.  love and a warm hug to you.  maybe that's why you didn't get into grad school yet - you didn't know that your path could be changing during this year.    magic. 

San, the fact you think I would be good at it warms my heart. I may believe I can help people, but I do still worry whether or not I will be enough. Whether or not the change of field is too drastic. It is also great to know you feel like your experience helped you connect on a deeper level, I have hopes that's if I do this I will be able to help like that.

My music and philosophy to make me able to think and adapt in many different ways. Also both make me sensitive to changes in people and lots of various issues, having read and played them. It is great to be able to hear someone spin my past experience into something that could old help me excel here.

As far as me being an inspiration, I adore that you think that. I am just trying to heal as much as I can. Making as many strides as possible. I don't always see the ones I have made. Thank you for helping me see one of those.

You are allowed to be proud of me, San. It warms my heart to hear them ♥️ I would like to think that me not getting into grad school was meant to be. That I was meant to be healing and finding my true path, whatever that is. I think my heart knows but my brain is not allowing myself to completely accept it, as it isn't terribly logical. One step at a time. At least my logic is considering somethings. Anyways, my dear friend, your response was exactly what I needed to read tonight. Thank you

Finally have a moment at home to post about Saturday. Long story short I find myself frustrated, confused, baffled, sad, exhausted, and at first fighting an emotional flashback (that one I did nip in the butt thankfully). My old narc flute professor (who I am going to call E) was at an event at my alma mater. I knew she would be so I kind of prepared but one can never truly prepare to deal with that, to truly enforce boundaries that were put in place only two months ago..


She tried to dig into my life, put herself back in this I adore you, am a wonderful mentor and care for your well being place. Sounded like a wise old woman who cares kind of thing, but that is just it with her, she never actually only wants that. Her caring only serves her own purposes. I was her flute prodigy and her project essentially, everything she wanted for me was only to further her reputation.

In the longest hour of my life, I dodge what I could and did fail in a few places but did far better than i would have previously. I found out that she wants me to be a beneficiary on an account of hers, and that she was a trauma survivor and I helped care for her while I was in college without realizing it...
That my compassion kept her okay sometimes... that I healed her and made her a better person etc...

I was just surviving. I gave her life while she tore mine to pieces. I didn't play for a year and she can find no fault in herself. There is nothing even remotely registering for her that she might have had a piece in causing that. It never occurs to her to even question that. To question whether or not she helped cause it.. because she can do no wrong. Because I helped her so it must have been okay. That is all that matters. I gave her so much and she took more from me than I gave. To have her confess she was a survivor and tell me how I helped just made me cringe. I wish it hadn't but it did. I want nothing more than to help others but she was abusive and tore me o shreds because she was taking so much more than I had to give with no regard to what she was doing to me. It was always something else's fault, mainly mine that I wasn't doing well or was hurting. She was never ever at fault, nor was that even an inkling in her mind, it still isn't. She pretends to care but I don't think she is capable.

So to be so conflicted because she is a survivor and I want to care and have compassion for that.. but knowing what * She put me through... I can't have compassion for that, but my nature is to have compassion and heal others. It has neve rnot been that way. Even just as a small child there are stories of me caring and healing others way before I could remember. It is so much of who I am, even before the worst of my abuse and certainly even more so because of my abuse. It is crazy making.

Ugh sorry, there is more but I can only do this in pieces still.  :fallingbricks:

Hi Elphanigh,
I read what you wrote - and wanted to just give you a warm and supportive hug  :hug: if that's ok. 
Hope  :)

Thank you, hugs are definitely okay  :hug:

There is part of me that is  afraid I am just going to explode during session today. I feel like my mind is a massive whirlwind that I am struggling to keep at bay. There has been so much crazy making stuff this week, and I know that there is really no way that it will end until after the 7th...Sadly that also means my birthday is going to be overshadowed by all the crazy making things. Likely I will not get to enjoy it at all.

Just trying to kind of make sense of what is most important session is really difficult.... I want to continue the process from last week but I also feel like I have been confronted with so much this week.


Trauma is such a mess..... all intertwined. Honestly I have experienced too much for any one person (as I know all of us have) but it just feels like so much sometimes. Like I couldn't have been abused by one person for just a year or something... no I had to spend my whole life being abused by nearly every adult in my life and in almost every category possible. I got to be the one that was tested with so much. Like here you survived being emotional abused, let's insert some physical abuse from your foo... oh that wasn't enough how about sexual and physical abuse from both genders fornlog periods of time. Even better let one of them trade you to other people who will violently hit and shove you... if that wasn't enough here are emotionally abusive relationships, narcissists that are going to drain you dry... and maybe just maybe that is enough. Maybe you have reached your breaking point enough times in your life.However fun things...you get to struggle financially too so good luck keeping all you needs met.

I wish this was the extensive list of traumas but it isn't. There are some major ones that don't even fall in these categories....just frustrating. Sounds like great fuel for a horror movie, or a sad documentary... but that is my life. One I have hid and survived. With degree in hand and no clue where things are going. A life I am now trying to recover from and not repeat. It feels so,times like the universe decided I was a fun experiment. Just trying to figure out how much an individual could handle before completely bresking apart.  :fallingbricks:



Ugh... sorry that was more angry than I intended. I know it is my journal but for anyone reading it, I do not intend to compare traumas or anything, just express some anger at the world and my luck in it. I promise

 :hug: :hug: Feel free to get that anger out. It's your journal!

Ah, no worries, Elpha. I understand how you need to vent things out sometimes. I've had my own set of traumas that have piled over, and a lot of other ones that weren't common enough to be included in the Adverse Childhood Experiences Questionnaire.  :disappear:

I guess we here all had some bad luck inserted in our lives. Some really . . . really terrible bad luck. Well, take it easy on yourself, Elpha. I'll be here to listen, and if I can't, someone else will. There'll be people here who'll greet you a happy birthday at least, so even if the entire day is mush, I hope you'll find a little bit of healing from that.

Take care.  :hug:

Thank you both for such kind words. I wish I had more capacity to respond, but I just don't at this moment. So good self care and not going to stress about not. I am really grateful to come here and get to read such understanding words after a really difficult therapy session.

Hopefully in the next day or two I can come here and decompress on it a bit

Sleep has helped me some to settle all the emotions from therapy yesterday. I went from the anger of my last post to just complete anxiety before I even got into her office. Wonderful how that happens  :disappear:

Anyways session was good and awful all in one. Got to kind of vent about the week, but also tried a new method that is very much EMDR related. She called it the Flash Method, there is apparently a EMDR consultant that has come up with this, and it has really be working. I could note that it works from trying it. However with the complex nature of my trauma it does sometimes get some other things coming up with it, which is where session kind of got awful. I mean just from the stand point of it utterly exhausting me, and taking a giant toll. It tends to do that on some level anyways.


We had started working on the image of going to the doctor, like a future image and fear that I hold. Working to a stage I can actually go to the ob without it retraumatizing me. My younger parts hold a lot of that fear, especially little six year old me. We successfully actually got the feelings down from a 8 to about a 2, which is major progress and much quicker than traditional Emdr was for me. Getting it to a two means it is low enough I can probably process it and the memories that are feeding into it.


So about the end of session, we wanted to seee if there were any other younger parts of me that might have some fear or relation to my issue with doctors... we are really combining ego state work with the emdr method, simply because it is such a giant thing for me. Little 8 year old Elpha holds a memory, that I for a good fifteen minutes could not figure out what it was, just tha it was entirely terrifiying ad awful. Did through doing the same process realize what part of it was, even for adult me it is rather impossible to hold that image at any less that a six still. It started at a ten, so a six is a drop nonetheless.

This memory is one I hadn't forgotten, but that I had really tucked away. Hadn't thought about it for years, because I think I wasn't in a space I could handle it. Apparently I am now. It is one that makes me feel more self blame, and revolves are my sister. It is also connect to my fear of doctors though, lovely how a lot of my memories swirl into each other. Could also go into some of the fears of my M violent and really loud ways with it too.

I really hate all this gunk sometimes. Like I know trauma is cumulative, but goodness I can tell process one piece without it effecting another. Sadly that just means snowball effects for me during sessions. I went through rape daily, normally multiple times, for six years... then emotional, physical abuse every day for more like thirteen or fourteen years, with some sexual abuse mixed into that section. Top it off with the narcissist, eating disorders, death traumas, other accidents that leave scar scars, etc... it is utterly exhausting. I may have all my memories but it is so difficult to sit with them. It also means I have no way to predict what will come up, because things I used to think about I stuffed away for my own well being. My brain may know them, but I don't actively know them anymore. It is a weird middle ground between having my memories, and not.


The goal is to use the flash method to process images relating to me memories and getting them low enough I can more fully process them with traditional emdr methods. For people with less complex trauma the flash method is much quicker and doesn't really require so much work to function. It is interesting to see it being adapted here. If it is too much we switch to other methods but it did seem to work before I had something else really strong pop in. I think it is a learning curve for both myself and my T. See how I react and what kind of dots my brain will start to draw. I don't have a linear map of my trauma, as I haven't been able to create one. There are lots of pieces I know happened but have no idea when they did.. so this might help to solidify some of it. Who knows...


I know this process is important but I am completely spent this morning and have to work a double today because money is important.  I really need to find a job that is much less intensive and would make these hard days a bit less difficult. But here I am for now, just hoping to push through it all.

:fallingbricks: :disappear:

Part of this did bring the realization of why I have such overwhelming moments when looking at this stuff.  After I ended up getting really dizzy for a second in session. I feel what my younger parts do very intensely, whether I recognize they are there or not. So when something is a full ten, and any of them are also freaking out my ten is more like feeling a thirty or more... currently like a thirty because I am doing work with only two of my younger pieces. I know all this sounds a little wonky, but goodness I separated a lot of myself to survive. Not DiD levels, but still rather separated even for a survivor.

Goodness I am writing a lot in this.. sorry to anyone trying to read it all. *sigh*

Anyways, am finally on some sort of level keel. Took long enough but I think I have arrived for the moment. There is so much to reflect on to be honest. The memory that came up in session is difficult, and one I stashed away for a reason. My brain was smart. But what a time to get it back, I mean I have known it before but it is like it disappeared for a while. Not sure that is an actual thing, but it is how it feels....

It comes with the risk of a fresh batch of self blame, and self deprecation. I have worked through some of my self blame but it is by no means cured. This memory coming up certainly shows it. I have never actually spoken or written this one anywhere, not to anyone, not even myself... so here I sit trying to decide what to do with it, trying to decide if I can handle eventually telling someone. From experience, no one will blame me.. but the old fears creep in. This could finally be the thing that someone blames me for. This could be the thing that makes me the monster I thought I was. I finally believe I wasn't a monster, so I don't want to feel like I am again... especially not hearing it from someone else.

This one could be the one my S remembers. I mean I feel she remembers anything at all this would be a logical set. And maybe this is s normal kid thing, and I am thinking about it too much... idk.  :stars:

You're not a monster! I used to have a lot of separate parts, not DID level either, but still pretty 'individual' and definitely noticeable for me. It does get better! Really.  :hug: Otherwise I'm a little too tired to absorb more or write more.

 Thank you for absorbing, and responding how much you can. I really needed it.  :hug:

It is good to hear this gets better, sometimes it doesn't feel like I can ever get on my feet.. that these little parts are too much...

I'm here too, Elpha, and I read all that. I'm just a little too tired to respond in detail.

:hug:

Thank you so much, Decimal  :hug:

Cannot win... got some bad news tonight as well. Have gotten off work just to find out my great grandma has cancer, and looks forward to being reunited with her husband. She doesn't want to fight it at all. She is truly the last living family member that I can say was fully healthy for me. I miss my great grandfather so much, and can't stand knowing I will lose her soon.


At work I was already struggling, wishing for a different life. Knowing if one person had chosen differently... if one person who knew had decided to speak up, or if one less person abused me etc.... maybe just maybe I would be struggling so much. Maybe I wouldn't have already felt completely drained.


I have so little left to process this new with, and even less to help those it affects. I am the closest geographically to her but have not real way or resource to be helpful there. I have been texting my grand father and he isn't heart broken. I don't have the right words...or even the strength to give, but I am tying. The healer in me needs to know I helped them

Feel like I am whining.. sorry

You're not whining at all! Not at all.
I am so very sorry to hear that a loved one of yours got cancer. If she doesn't want to fight it, then the only thing you can do for her is support her, love her, and tell her she matters to you.

:hug: if it's okay.

Thank you, Sceal. You are right, and I needed to hear that. Sending  :hug: back to you

my sweetest el, sorry i haven't been around lately - too much on my plate, but i'm here with you now for what it's worth. 

of course, i'm holding your hand as you continue to go thru with this struggle, all these memories, emotions, feelings.  even if i'm not writing here, i'm always with you.  don't ever forget that.  if i could, i would give you a flower for your hair - i am a flower child at heart, and have told my daughters that after i die, if they ever want to feel my spirit, just find a flower, cuz that's where i am.

i've heard of the flash method, wrote about its presence here when i was told about it, and am glad to hear that it's helping.   of course, as with any complex trauma, it's so common for one thing to bring up another and another.  you are reliving an entire lifetime in a few hours.  it's no wonder at all that you're exhausted.  i hope you can get some rest while your brain is processing all this.  that's an awful lot of work you're doing.

you, no, you are not a monster, never have been.  no matter what happened, what you did, what you might have taken part in was not something you would have ever chosen to do on your own without the coercion, manipulation, mind control of someone else.  that's not who you are, it's not in your nature.  that stuff was the expression of someone else's darkness, their own twisted distortions of what is ok to do to other people.  you were their tool, used and abused in order to fill their own sick agenda.

please, sweetie, never doubt yourself on that.  earth mother spirit comes from a place of nurturing, protection, and light.  that is your true being.   you would not be here with us otherwise.  monsters don't come here, don't go thru what you've been going thru in your sessions, don't doubt themselves or think of themselves as monsters in any real and practical way.  they only do what they can to further their monstrous agendas and ambitions.  that's what our abusers have done, not us, not you.

you continue to shine your light, continue to reach into the muck that was poured on you in order that your light continues to shine ever more brightly, warmly, beautifully.  i'm so sorry for all you've gone thru, all that was done to you, all you were made to do that went against your very being.  you are so very valuable, so precious, and such a wonderful addition to the world.  i'm so glad you're here and part of my life.

i love you dearly.  we are embraced by that spirit which we, in turn, embrace.  you are part of that spirit as it is a part of you.  it can never leave you.  sending a gently caring, compassionate hug to you, with soothing warmth and comfort.

San, I hadn't been able to cry through any of this until I read this. Sadly that meant tearing up in a coffee shop because I came here when I needed to leave my house before work. Thank you for all of your kind words. I know you are here with me even if you are not directly responding, you also have so much on your plate.

I will envision the flower, I have actually been working on a drawing of some flowers this morning. It will now make me think of you  :hug:

I am glad you have heard of the flash method. I am hopeful it will continue to work, and get me to a better level. I am however nervous just because of how intense this week was. It is good and important to do the intensely work, but it is so much to take in. As you said, it is like reliving an entire life of trauma in a few hours... I don't get much rest between honestly. Am working large amounts of days in a row (currently on day five of at least fifteen in a row).. worked twelve in a row before this with only one day off between. That day was spent at my alma mater dealing with my ex flute teacher, and a small emotional flashback...  :no: I am in desperate need of real rest, but can't seem to find any. No wonder I feel like I am out of strength.

I am coming around to remembering why I came to the conclusion I wasn't a monster. Reading all that you wrote there truly helps. I have much more heart and compassion than a monster would. All of the bad I did was in conjunction with impossible situations, and lots of coercion. Add in fear for my well being, and life in some cases...

I don't feel like my light is very bright at this point.. I am trying to keep it lit at this point. I know it will come back, and I will fight for that..l but goodness it is dim, and the flame needs some fanning these days. Too much muck sometimes. I may be strong but I am still only human.

Rereading you calling me a great addition to this world renewed s bit of the teary eyed  feelings. Being reminded of that right now is more important than I think I realized. Thank you for that my dear.

I will gladly be embraced in earth mother spirit, today and really everyday. Letting her be a part of both of us. It reminds me that I am in fact a healer, but also worth being healed. Thank you for sharing your light with me. It shines brighter than I can ever tell you.

honey, your light shines thru the muck - i can see it.  when we're in the middle of the muck, as you are right now, it's hard to see our own light, that's all.  it does feel dim at those times, but we are able to see it and feel its warmth nonetheless.  it's still there.  never fear.

remember, you can tell your t you need a little extra time and space if this stuff is getting too overwhelming.  i agree it needs to be done, but slower can be faster with trauma processing sometimes.  with all the physical work you do on your jobs, all the days and shifts you carry, i don't want to see you run into the ground.  does your t know how much time/days you put in at work? 

you really are valuable in the world, in my life, and if you continue on the road to being a healer, then that value extends to the lives of others in a life-changing way.  talk about life giving us lemons and we turn it into lemonade!  wow - what a humungous example of that.   make things as easy as possible for yourself, especially now.  you deserve that - you've had it hard enough for too long.   love you so, hugs o' plenty to you.

Quote from: Sceal on March 29, 2018, 07:43:25 AM
You're not whining at all! Not at all.
I am so very sorry to hear that a loved one of yours got cancer. If she doesn't want to fight it, then the only thing you can do for her is support her, love her, and tell her she matters to you.

Exactly. Also to repeat: you're not whining! You, we, I can express sadness, regret - whatever -  without that being whining!

I'm really sorry you're set to lose someone who has been there for you in the past, somebody in your FOO who is actually healthy.  :hug: :hug: :hug:

You two are so precious to me. Thank you for being in my life  :hug:

San, I am glad someone still sees and feels that light.  It feels so dim and almost nonexistant to me today.

My T knows my work schedule very well, but also knows how determined i am to continue working so hard ro recover. If I ever asked to back down a bit I know she would. I think she worries more than i do about it tbh.

I do feel like I am run into the ground at this point. No one persons fault, except for maybe mine. I am going to do a lot of self care tonight (just got off work) hoping to maybe restore a bit of myself, although i know I need more than one night of it... honestly lots of dizzy spells the last three or four days. Probably not a good sign. I cam feel a giant crash coming, and need to do everything i can to stop it from happening.

It feels really good to be valuable, and useful San. I haven't felt like I have been either of those things for a couple of weeks. Just have not bounced back.

Blueberry that is wise. I will try to remember this isn't whining. It is true and important emotions

Of course you're not whining, Elpha. Anyone would be distraught about losing a loved one they cherished. I haven't lost someone like that in my life yet, but it sounds really serious to me. Nothing worth calling whining about.

Take care.  :hug:

Thank you, Decimal.  :hug:

I have lost so many people near to me in my life. It is something that I start to feel like I should be used to.. it makes feeling these emotions seem like something I should be guilty for or feel shame towards. Like I am just simply not strong enough

dearest el, you're definitely strong enough.  feeling emotional and vulnerable does not equate to weakness.  all those losses, they all take a toll.  every new one, a new toll.  and with your work and recovery, it can easily be overwhelming.  that's not weakness in the least, tho.

please, take care of yourself as best you can.  you so deserve it, you're worth it, and i think, as difficult as it may be to do self-care, it's even harder if we have to pick ourselves up after a crash.  embracing you and all you're going thru.  rest in my arms, if only for a moment, and be replenished.  give yourself a hug and know it's from me.  just collapse into it,  you've earned it.  sending love, strength, and resilience

love and hugs, always, sweetie.

I am glad you see strength in me. It is hard to feel like I am strong enough when I feel like I am working so hard to fight but still being dragged under. I compared it to feeling like one of those fish that swim up stream in the rapids, while trying to dodge the bears....  :fallingbricks:

I took time to do so much self care yesterday, and felt more myself this morning. However, working 6 hours today took that from me. I feel like I am back at square one just trying to stay afloat.. I need a day off but I will never get one of those. Having had only one real day off in like three weeks I am starting to fall. Then knowing I work like 60 hours in the next week just makes me feel like crashing early....

Having that hug from you is so amazing my dear. Can I sit in it a little tonight? I am off for the evening and need everything I can get.

that hug is available to you anytime you want it.  it's yours for the taking. 

i learned that little exercise from 3roses.  she once told me to give myself a hug and pretend it was her hugging me.  i cried and cried, it felt so good.  so real.  i'm ever grateful to her for that.  so, whenever i can pass that along to someone, o my, yes, go for it.

love and rest whenever you can, sweetie.  just relax and replenish in the hug as much as you're able.

San, you and Three Roses are two of the wisest, most compassionate women I know. I am grateful to have you both in my life.

That hug will give me strength as I prepare to really go at all of this. Tonight starts a long string of shifts with only a bit of sleep between. It is really great to have something to come back to. Thank you my dear  :hug:

I found myself drawing today, it is helpful to find some peace in that. I also did some yoga, just to get some tension out of my shoulders. Ended up in childs pose, and just cried. Like the yoga had been a physical release of all that I have been feeling. I know I have to keep being strong and walking this journey, and I want to. I want to heal, grow, and become whatever it is I will at the other side of this. There is so much of me that needs to believe that other side does truly exist, that there is another part of my journey.

I do also note that I have to pick my battles sometimes. Right now, at least for a few days, that is just fighting to keep the physical energy to work through the holiday. After that some of the other pieces, but for tonight and tomorrow I just have to work.

I find it wonderful how many people here find solace in different hobbies. I'd like to try as many hobbies as I can and could enjoy in this life, even the more physical and social ones I often ignore, and I enjoy hearing other's experiences on these.

I've seen your art in another thread, and it looked beautiful, like you are. Well, I hope you find a way to heal with art and yoga. It really is something.

:hug:

I agree wirh all of that Decimal. I have found thay hobbies can be so healing, it feels like I have a million to be honest. It was fun to pick different rhings up as a kid, and even just in the last few years. 


I lost the love for many if my creative pursuits when i started trauma therapy because everything was swirling so much. It seems like I am finally able to enjoy some of those things again.

I wish you lots if healing and luck with honbies as well. We will live our lives to the fullest as you mentioned, I have faith

I feel like I haven't been as active or as honest the last week or two. Life has been crazy and stressful.. but I want to admit something in a safe space tonight, something that has only been said to one other trusted friend

I am worried about my drinking, over the last few months (really since the holidays) it has gotten worse. I didn't think much of it initially but pms friend pointed out a pattern and it worries me. I used to drink a lot in college, and would brag about how much I could down because I held my liquor almost as well as men twice my size. I was 'lucky' that way. Recently though it has spiked again, not in such extreme amounts but kremlin often and less socially. In college it was socially acceptable to say the least. Now though it is drinking at home to quiet my mind a little, or have a few drinks so I can talk to my Foo, or like tonight it was drink a bottle of wine to try and clean my apartment.... it isn't large amounts but it gets more as it goes. It is more often. If I am honest, probably three or four times a week I have at least two or three glasses.

I know that isn't alcoholic level but I recognize I am using it for the wrong reasons, and certainly too often. I just want my mind to shut up sometimes, and no amount of yoga or meditation (etc.) does quite the same amount as a half bottle of wine or some vodka... this is me admitting it is a problem and promising myself that I will address it in a healthy way with my T.I don't want it to get worse.

Honestly, I am terrified of posting this a bit.. I have so much shame on this subject and on the food subject.. I constantly get told how strong I am, how far I have come but these coping skills come in and take over sometimes. Some days I choose so well, and others I don't have as much will power.... someday I take the easy route. I am worried that makes me an awful survivor, and even more worried it makes me an awful moderator.... that I am not a good enough role model to be moderating here. Everyone on this forum inspires me to be better, and I worry I don't give that back to anyone. I am young (a whole 24 in about three hours), inexperienced, and dumb in more ways than I thought...

I just needed to be honest somewhere. I hope for anyone that reads this that it is okay

Elpha, Elpha, it's fine. You don't have to be a perfect or even an excellent role model for us. Honestly, I'm inspired by imperfect role models more.  I'm far from perfect, and seeing people like me who could falter under my pain and still try their best is more inspiring. If they were already excellent, then it's like I personally can't reach their level.

It reminds me of a study I remember reading about growth mindset. It's where they tested allowing children to read textbooks with famous heroes in history. One set just listed their accomplishments, and another listed their big failures as well as their accomplishments. The latter group of children were more inspired to do their best in school.

It's okay to fall back into an addiction again. Many of us can't help looking for unhealthy coping methods, so take care of yourself.

:hug:

I hope that writing about your struggles and fear with this is the first step to fight the big monster of shame. They say the more you talk about the shame the less power shame has over you. I hope it's true.
I too have unhealthy coping mechanisms when the days become too difficult, it's like you say, at some point the meditation or mindfulness doesn't work. But I hope that if we keep it up, it one day will be enough. And the other coping mechanisms becomes weaker and less effective.
I would like to give you a caring hug, if it's alright with you?  :hug:

Decimal, thank you so much for that. It was great to wake up to such a kind response  :hug:

Sceal, I will certainly accept your hug  :hug: It is much appreciated

sweetest el, thank you for sharing.  nothing at all to be ashamed about.  the fact that you could now admit this is, to me, a sign of progress.  you weren't able to before.  what's inspiring is the strength you're showing in admitting something less than perfect about yourself, in spite of your fears of how it might be received or judged.

i agree with d.r., even more of an inspiration to be able to show your truth even if it isn't perfection.  we've all got flaws, we've all got issues we struggle with.  the only way to deal with them is bring them to the light, where we can take a clear look at them.  shame, like fungus, grows in the dark.  bringing up the shame-filled stuff helps us banish it much more easily.

i give you so much credit for speaking of this, sweetie.  we're here to support, not to judge.  all the stuff that's coming up for you recently, all the stress you've been under lately, all the hours, lack of rest and sleep - i can see why you want the quick fix of alcohol right now to de-activate your brain for a bit.  you'll get to a point when that will no longer be necessary, of that i have no doubt.

keep taking care of you as best you can, honey.  and, happy birthday, too.  love and a warm, hopeful, shameless hug to you.

San, dear friend, you offer me such kindness in accepting and not shaming this. I am hopeful I will get to a place alcohol isn't such a temptation, that my mind isn't in such desperate need of quiet and calm. I am working hard at choosing better, but it is a difficult battle some days..

I am glad no one has judged or reacted poorly to this thus far. It is good that i can still be inspiring just by being open. I have found honesty is the only thing that has ever truly helped my healing, only when I am open can I actually heal. So here I am, just trying to be brave and share.

Thank you for the birthday wishes, it has actually shaped up to be a decent day so far  :hug: Love and hugs right back.

Therapy today and I feel hopeful afterwards. My therapists reaction was also that of hope and joy, which even furthered my own feelings of it.

I have been doing a mix of emdr and ego state therapy. Last session we started what is called the Flash Method. It is a new spin on the emdr process, essentially working to subconciously affect how the memory is stored in the brain and body. It can bring something from a high ten on the feeling scale to a zero (or close to) in a session. After two weeks away the stuff I workes on last time was still just as low.

The thing with mt Cptsd is that my trauma is so intertwined it is nearly impossoble to stay with just one thing. This method helps that, and my mind only seems to bring up a new things once the other is low enough it feels safe.

We plan to use this to lower everything and then work through in emdr things as a larger whole. This gets my more intense things doen to where I can sit with them and not feel so intensely. For once it feels like there might be a day I don't have to be in therapy and may not even technically fit the cptsd diagnosis to a tee. Realizing that maybe, just maybe, I won't have this debilitating thing for the rest of my life. Like it will always exist but maybe it doesn't have to be like a fight everyday. I have some renewed hope that I didn't realize just how much I needed

sweetie, so very glad your therapy has come up hopeful.

i'm familiar with the 'flash' method and also glad it's helping you.  the complexities of our traumas seem to lend themselves to this method.  emdr was originally utilized with returning vietnam war vets and their ptsd symptoms.  more simplistic.  'flash' seems to be working for all those layers of trauma that crop up even in the midst of working on an issue.

it's wonderful to hear you sounding so hopeful.  i pray that one day, indeed, you will no longer be under the hooves of the c-ptsd beast.  that would be the best.  love and a big hug to you.

Thank you, I feel hopeful that one day I will accomplish that. For now I do feel the exhaustion from such an intense method. It takes a toll but it is worth it.

My heart aches tonight, it did last night too. I got some reprieve of joy this morning before being reminded.. I have had a lot on my plate, and that has come with tons of emotions. However, nothing ever compares to heartache. It is in its own league, or it feels like it right now. There is something about it that just engulfs everything, and makes one weep out of nowhere. I generally have a decent control or at least understanding of my emotions but this one gets me. I don't cry often but two nights in a row I have cried and been angry at myself for feeling this way. Makes quite the cycle of things.

I had been so strong and surprised at how well I have rebuilt this week, until last night that is. My ex has been in town with her now husband. (For anyone that was around in the summer/fall, I wrote about that relationship a ton). Anyways we have been okay as friends at a distance but she was in the city I live this week. Our life was here, and for a while it was a good one together. Seeing her was okay, I felt good knowing that I didn't pine after her and really didn't want her back. She seemed to struggle more and honestly it made me feel good to know I rebuilt well and that some part of her was still regretting her decision. Petty I know, but I am human.

Anyways, I was okay until we went to say goodbye last night. We likely won't see each other for at least two years. Having seen her quite a bit for the last few days I had grown to like having my friend around again. Someone that gets me more than nay human has ever gotten me. I forgot what it felt like to have that. To have someone so knowledgeable about my interests and how my brain functions.. who understands how I do things. I didn't know I missed it so much. I was okay, then saw her kind of tear up and my heart just broke again. It felt like the goodbye we didn't get last time she left the states on good terms.

As a survivor I feel weak for feeling like this. I have so much more important things to be focusing on recovery is way more important than my heart feelings things it already felt months ago. I am stronger than my heartache, or at least I thought I was. It feels dumb to even need to put all of this somewhere. I know feelings are valid but this one doesn't feel like it. This feeling had its time and place, that passed long ago.

Well, Elpha, I think dealing with your heartache is part of your recovery. It's part of recovery to deal with the unhealthy coping skills our past has given us and apply healthier ones to everyday situations. Part of recovery is learning how to slow down rather than rush things.

I know heartache too. I'm young and I never dated before, mostly because my solitary interests seem too important for that, and second because I don't know how to trust people. So I've had crushes on both men and women. . . most just momentary ones but a few just . . . reached me. My heart felt funny and weird and confusing, and I wanted to rush away from it too.

Anyway, take care.  :hug:

Thank you Decimal for reminding me of this. It is a skill to be able to take time and not rush things. You always have great insight. Take care  :hug:

Quote from: Elphanigh on April 04, 2018, 01:48:31 AM
I know that isn't alcoholic level but I recognize I am using it for the wrong reasons, and certainly too often. I just want my mind to shut up sometimes, and no amount of yoga or meditation (etc.) does quite the same amount as a half bottle of wine or some vodka... this is me admitting it is a problem and promising myself that I will address it in a healthy way with my T.

Dear Elphanigh,
I came onto your thread wanting to reply to this. I read it a couple of days ago and didn't have the strength to reply tho I wanted to. Now I see you're somewhere else, dealing with heartache.  :hug: :hug: for that. I remember your posts from when you were going through all that first time around. You seem so much, ahem, stronger now. Though I believe you on the heartache, don't worry.

So, if you're in a place where you can read it, my take on your alcohol problem post: Realising you're using it for wrong reasons and too often is a great step forwards! So is being honest, both on here and with your T. I can certainly sympathise with wanting to shut mind up from time to time.

Quote from: Elphanigh on April 04, 2018, 01:48:31 AM
Honestly, I am terrified of posting this a bit.. I have so much shame on this subject and on the food subject.. I constantly get told how strong I am, how far I have come but these coping skills come in and take over sometimes. Some days I choose so well, and others I don't have as much will power.... someday I take the easy route. I am worried that makes me an awful survivor, and even more worried it makes me an awful moderator.... that I am not a good enough role model to be moderating here. Everyone on this forum inspires me to be better, and I worry I don't give that back to anyone.

I don't think this makes you an awful survivor, I think it makes you a normal one! I had been wondering just how you were coping with seemingly non-stop shifts at work, tons of therapy and moving forwards with it and moderating. That is so much on your plate! No wonder you take the easier route sometimes. So do I. I just don't want to feel all the time. I don't want to sit with my feelings. ime in inpatient treatment it's easier to sit with them but that's partly because you're not dealing with all that day-to-day stuff like work and cooking and cleaning and looking after pets.

We mods don't have to be role models here (though I was worried about that when I first started moderating too and posted about it), we don't have to be perfect and thoroughly healed and all of that. We just keep an eye out for Guideline infractions to try and keep everybody safe.

You give tons back here. Being honest to yourself about an unhealthy coping skill and then posting it on here although you feel ashamed and you're frightened of others' reactions shows strength!! That's inspirational! I also think the more people post about their unhealthy coping skills in the way you're doing - being honest, not glorifying, the better. It shows us all how widespread it is with cptsd that despite moving forwards, we're often stabilising ourselves with unhealthy methods. Huge kudos to those who manage without, but I think they're in the minority. There are non-substance addictions too for anybody who thinks they don't have one.

Blueberry, the heartache has mostly passed. I really just needed a day or two of it I guess. I really appreciate you going back to reply to that post. I really fought through the heartache to not drink actually. I was proud of myself for not choosing to numb .

It is good to hear that this makes me a normal survivor tbh. I am not fully sure how I manage to juggle everything. The alcohol helps some, but isn't what I need to be using. My apartment is consistently a messand when I am home I often draw, watch Netflix, read, take baths, and ignore everything else. It is how I manage to work so often, moderate, move forward with recovery, and am playing flute as well. It is a ton to balance. Things like cleaning my apartment, cooking super regularly, and organizing really suffer with this. I don't enjoy it, and it frustrates me to not have everything's cleaner and done... but I am learning to just get through what I can.

I am glad me being good enough isn't in question here, I forget that sometimes.

Being honest and open here about this stuff is healthy, and I am grateful it can be in anyway inspirational to people. I just want to do my best to heal even through everything going on.

you are definitely an inspiration, sweetie. 

one thing that struck me about this good-bye and the heartache that ensued was when you said it was like the good-bye that didn't happen when she left the first time.  i think that said it all - you finally said the good-bye that you needed to say and felt the heartache of possibly the closure that was denied you last time.

and the heartache lasted quite a bit shorter than the first time.  i'm glad you do well with her at a distance, glad you enjoyed your time together, and glad that you felt what you felt - all of it (i do that petty stuff too, from time to time.  no bother).

your schedule, your recovery work, and your music are all so important for you right now.  messy living places can take a back seat for a while.  been there, done that.  we have to prioritize, and something of less importance will always suffer.  i hope you can be happy for the fact that you are doing what's most meaningful in one way or another for you right now. 

i don't think it will always be like this, so you can look at it all as temporary, just something for now but not necessarily forever.   you're doing so great.  love and hugs to you, always.

Thank you dear, I am glad to hear I am an inspiration. It is hard to see myself that way I guess.

That is a good observation with this heartache. When she left the states last time we were together and it was an early morning. I had to run off to work.. we never got a proper hug or even the words goodbye. This time we got both, and no one was mad a ton each other. The breakup over Skype was angry and painful on both of our ends. We have come a long way through messages and things. Seeing her was good, and getting the little bit of leftover emotions out was more necessary than I thought. For me it is a bit of closure, for her I think it opened up some old feelings that I need to ensure to keep boundaries from. She sent me a really sweet song, one that basically said that she doesn't have me but somethings remind her that she needs me.. that isn't fair to my emotions. I will respect hers but I can't let that be something that happens. She has to deal with the choices she made.

The heartache was much shorter, and less consuming I guess. I am getting to be more grateful for feeling all of the feelings, including the petty bits of them. Thank you for reminding me that they are important and for seeing some growth in them.

The messy apartment can only last for a bit longer. I should be moving in about two months, will have a roommate this time so I can live in the city rather than on the outskirts. I am excited, she is one of my best friends from high school and as close as I come to having a platonic partner. We have talked about it depending on where life brings us. Either way, it will be wonderful. So in a month I need to start the process of cleaning up and packing.

All of those things are so important, adding in my art and yoga as well. I think rediscovery these things Is helping me heal, including getting to see my ex. I get next weekend off, two full days out of town. I am going to a friends families house. Her mom has half adopted me, and is going to help me look at my finances. They are a mess and I have a hard time admitting just how bad they are. But she is going to help me make a plan to get on track. I am extremely nervous but grateful. I am also just glad to be able to get out of town and know I will have some time to breathe

I do really hope things aren't like this forever, but I can appreciate the process a bit at least. Some of the biggest accomplishments in college were accompanied by the messiest rooms and such.. so it is good I guess. Anyways, I am trying to remember to be grateful for the journey. I didn't always think I would have one. Now I can't imagine life any other way.

Love you dear. Thank you for being here for me, it is a constant inspiration to me

Quote from: Elphanigh on April 14, 2018, 01:38:52 AM
My apartment is consistently a messand when I am home I often draw, watch Netflix, read, take baths, and ignore everything else.

Sounds like self-care! My apartment is consistently a mess too. Obviously we just need time to relax in order to keep going. I read a lot too or play Patience/solitaire but with cards, not on computer. I think the latter is kind of useless but sometimes I seem to process things while playing. So maybe not quite so useless. As san writes, we have to prioritise, something takes back seat.

Blueberry, I think you are right.  It is great self care! I am finally learning to do that before my body and mind collapse. It is so much healthier!

I too love to play solitaire. There is something calming and cathartic about it.

Quote from: Elphanigh on April 14, 2018, 08:55:00 PM
I am finally learning to do that before my body and mind collapse.

:cheer: It took me years to learn to do it before collapse! Look at you, doing it already.  :cheer:

Thanks, it is good to have that recognized :) From the time I was in high school I would just cycle through being able to be the over achiever that pushed past her limits for months on end, and then would have to collapse for five days... just completely drained in every way imaginable. I would pass out, have panic attacks, and just not be able to sustain life anymore. In college, I learned to only need two days to recover from those crashes, sometimes I would even manage to go to a class or two during those crashes... it is how I managed first trying to heal, balance two jobs, ten classes, two sororities (major offices in both), having a social life, and volunteering regularly. I know sadly tha giant not all that was accomplished but it is all I have to type out. I used to study forty hours a week (this included practicing music)

I for the first time a few weeks ago felt a crash coming and was able to prevent it. For the first time ever, I allowed myself the amount of self care it took to not completely crash. I didn't have to get to the scary spot where I couldn't barely keep going and wold struggle to eat at all. I got to skip that stage. It is a huge thing for me to control my need to do everything, for me to recognize self care as something that is important. I finally can start to not feel as awful if I am not achieving everything. I still really struggle in that area, but at least I don't act on those thoughts any more

I relate to that Elpha. As I've worked through my studies, I've physically collapsed many times before. I could feel the tiredness coming then I'd find somewhere to rest and pass out. When the clinic nurse would check my temperature, it was normal. No fever. Just severe fatigue.

I'm no longer that as intense with working, but I still fight through those feelings without acting it too. It's a shame. As a kid and at my best, I hold a relaxed and humor filled pace in life that somehow certain people beaten up in me.

I'm glad we're both healing though. Both looking for what we want. Both acting on what we want, and taking care for ourselves.

I agree with San. That sounds like inspiration to me.

Decimal,  thank you for validating these things.  I am always glad that it isn't just me. You are an inspiration too, it is great to see you going after what you want so early. Healing is tough but we are both doing it young. I think having you hear reminds me that it is possible to do it early in life. I question my ability to do so pretty frequently.

Hi Elpha,

I didn't think about how old you might be, I often don't realise how old people are - but I do think it's great that you are tackling things whilst young, and I just wanted to send you a hug.   :hug:

Hope  :)

Quote from: Elphanigh on April 15, 2018, 04:43:02 AM
I for the first time a few weeks ago felt a crash coming and was able to prevent it. For the first time ever, I allowed myself the amount of self care it took to not completely crash. I didn't have to get to the scary spot where I couldn't barely keep going

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

I also think it's really commendable and alround great that you and DR are working on your past so much earlier than some of us on here. And that you Elpha are in the correct type of therapy too. (Don't know off-hand about you DR.) It gives me hope that some of you younger ones on here, or maybe even most of you, won't still be struggling big time decades to come.

Hope, I am only aware of age because I am so young feeling sometimes. Most aupporr groups are full of people old enough to be my parents or older. I am not young persay, am 24. But I started with my first therapist when I was 19. It took me a long tjme for find the correct ome that could truly help though.

Blueberry, thank you. I am trying to have hope for us too. I want to jave a life where this is not something I will be dealing with as harshly in a decade. Getting to enjoy as much of life as I can. It does not always feel like it is possible. But I want that

I got into some really awful thought processes and memories last night. I am still pretty stuck in those feelings right now.  Doesn't help their are strangers in my apartment just ensuring there are not bugs anywhere this morning.

I had a good friend of me ask myself why I was punishing myself, why was I beating myself up? Told me it sounded like I was doing what my parents did, and that since they weren't there to beat me up I was doing it instead. That struck a huge chord for me. Not just with my parents, as there were a lot of people that beat me up in the sense she was meaning. I got to the point where I didn't feel like I was worthy of all the help and resources I have. That because I chose poorly last night, that I wasn't living in such a way that made me deserving of the people that want to help me. Especially not the two people that were trying to help me last night.

I got scared which led to the memories of why being scared was bad, which are generally violent or very loud. I did call a friend and she helped some but I let her go promising to call my T and instead decided to try to numb. Enter in just feeling more dissociated and then awful for not being strong enough/ good enough/ wise enough. In my own words I needed to be better and don't deserve all the good I have. It was one heck of an emotional bottom.

*trigger warning* (foo issues, physical/sexual abuse)



I used to get in trouble for being scared or too nervous with my parents. They were ones that would loudly fight on a regular basis. My M is still a screamer and is great at tearing at someones weakest points, it is an awful talent. She reads people the way I do but she does not always use it for good. In the case of my childhood it was never good. I used to have my siblings hide in their room when fights happened and would kind of monitor, which often put me in the firing line. If I was scared and got noticed I got yelled at, and questioned as to why I was scared of them. That they were my parents, they loved me, that I had no reason to be afraid. That they had never hurt me.

However, at this point I had seen my dad punch holes in a door, seen my mom get so angry she raged at anyone in the area. I had been spanked so hard I couldn't sit down for hours... but yes I had no reason to be scared of them.. Even without the rest of the abuse in my life I had every right to be scared of them. I could not have been any older than 7 or 8 when this particular incident happened. It was not the only one of its sort but it is the one my head holds onto more specifically. Things that occured more than once often just have one major memory and then small bits of the others. I don't remember every single time similar things happened. My brain is not capable of holding so much.

I got punished for being scared my whole life, any time I was anxious, nervous, fearful, or afraid, it was like I was some sort of failure. That those emotions werent valid and I was overreacting. No matter what it was or how bad my anxiety was. My parents were not aware of most of my other abuse but they weren't blind to all of it. They only paid attention to the things that pleased them. So if it wasn't me doing well in school, or it didn't make them look good it wasn't okay. Having nightmares that cause panic attacks at like ten... good luck you're on your own. You shouldn't be feeling that way.. Having an anxiety attack because a boyfriend tried to go to far.. They assumed I asked for it and was pregnant and didn't want to admit it... they yelled at me for then not being able to push him away.. for not coming home and telling them that second so they could have just yelled at me sooner.. No I was not pregnant but my boyfriend had tried to go too far and I was scared.



Other people too did this. My fear was always met with more violence, rougher incidents of rape or physical abuse. These were the times I didn't want to survive.. or the times I wished that they left a mark in the wrong spot or one so big that no one could explain it away. Times I wished that someone would note the bump on my head or the bruises on my arms and not just let them be explained away as me being clumsy. Sadly both sides played each other... my parents played the nice angels, my other abusers played the caring people that tended to my injuries... when often those injuries were their fault.. No one cared enough to see the cycle... the symptoms I had of abuse were so many and no one cared to see them. They just yelled at me or punished me for them.  :fallingbricks:

this is one place you can let your fears out and just plain old be scared and you will not get punished, berated, yelled at, judged or otherwise be abused for having normal feelings to abnormal happenings.  here you are loved, cared about, and accepted.  ems wraps you up to soothe and comfort you when you're scared.  strokes your hair, wipes your tears, holds on until the shaking stops and you feel your feet under you again.

i wish i could do more for you.  as it is, i'm there with you, always, encircling you with love, gentle and whole.

That does so much to help me. Believe me when I say you help me more than I think you ever know. Reading all of that made me breathe a little deeper, I felt so many things. A deep sense of love and belonging, but also a sadness because I never had those things when I was younger. Little elpha deserved to have a spac like this earlier in her life... but now I can have it as an adult. That in itself is something I never imagined I would have. So thank you for being such a big piece of that  :hug:  I am learning to express and live with these emotions, it is a huge difference for me. I cry more often than I thought was ever possible, and feel so much more intensely now that I am not constantly shutting them down.

Thank you for the beautiful ems image. I am so grateful to have her and you. It reminds me I will be okay. I feel more myself today, always a good sign when I manage to do spay makeup and something creative with my hair.

Sending d back all of that warm and gentle love my dear.

Hey, I agree, Elpha. It's okay to be scared. Easier said than done to feel accepting on it, but it's alright. You're alright. Fear is part of and essential to being human. It's needed to signal us away from danger, and those with a lack of it can get themselves in all kinds of overly risky situations.

It's not as healthy as working for something positive to gain, but I've learned a lot from fear when it was not used to run away from dealing with my problems but run away from the unhealthy coping skills I had. To not want to be in danger again, and to run away into somewhere finally safe.

But it's alright to be stuck when you're afraid too. You'll still be loved, cared for and valued here.  :hug:

Thank you Decimal, all that is really helpful. I wish I had more energy to respond properly tonight. To respond to the end of I talk though, I do feel stuck in my fear right now. I know that is being stuck in partially a younger version of myself and in the fact I was never allowed to feel all this stuff. I guess my subconscious mind has decided I am safe enough to feel all of it now. I did anger for a while, fear must be the next big one for a while

I have been trying to decide how best to. Decompress from everything this weekend. I did finally get some peace and time off which was so desperately needed. I got to leave town with a friend of mine, and spend the weekend with her parents who live out kind of in the middle of no where. I did not have to do anything I didn't want to, didn't have to stress or work at all. It was a very nice two and a half days. This friend is on of my closest ones, and knows more about my past than most.  She is exactly what everyone should be towards trauma in my opinion, so it was good to go with her.


I found that the peace was triggering in its own way. I had never been somewhere that was so healthy, certainly not seen a family that was that healthy. It was peaceful, low pressure, and kind. People cared what I said and there was never a moment I could have truly done anything to anger people. My friend made sure to check on me and keep reminding me no one was going to get angry at me, and I didn't have to be on edge. She understood that the environment would present its own struggles for me. She was good about allowing me to have the realizations as I went. I realized how unhealthy my home was, seeing a good healthy family was brand new. The realization about how different my FOO is from that was huge.

I felt such grief when I go at back because there was so much I didn't need have. Little elpha deserved a home like that and didn't get it. She deserved a place where little things didn't cause angry explosions, wher experimenting and being herself was okay. I wish she had such a warm, kind place. One that no one ever even started to throw a punch, not even once. My friend and I talked a lot while I was there because it was a lot Tom take in for me. She told me no one had ever thrown a punch, not even at a wall. People got angry because they were human but there were never giant fights when she grew up, no one had to be scared ever. Her parents talked it through and figured it out without screaming matches and people storming out. It was like hearing about some sort of strange universe.

They are both super kind of me all weekend, teaching me to dye yarn, cut soap, showing me around town etc. Both of them made a point to get to know me, and what I liked, then include that in the plans. They cared to know my preferences and respected them. It was odd. They even sat down and helped me budget and looked at my finances for me. I never got taught as a kid and honestly have some things to fix there. They offered to help a while ago and I took them up on it. They were kind about it, I have never ever talked about finances without a guilt trip or some sort of screaming match.

There's a lot to process after the several days of violent memories, and then being immersed in that kind of environment. I think my emotions are just everywhere, and coming back to work today only to injure my hand did not help at all. I am sure there will be more righting but for now I just needed to get a general idea down. Start to process some of that, I will talk to my T tomorrow. I am sure it will be a very full session

That does sound a lot to process. But so glad you got to experience something so different in a positive way. ime it isn't always easy seeing how things could have been with healthier parents.  :hug:

It was great to experience that positive thing. Definitely not the easiesr experience but I am glad I had it  :hug:

Hi Elpha,
Hope your hand injury gets better soon.  Was glad to see you enjoyed spending the weekend with your friend and your friend's parents and that they treated you so positively - that must have been a really amazing experience to have.  I can understand that.  It sounds special.
Hope  :)

Glad to hear that you had a good time in your friend's house. It's nice to have a change of environment sometimes, and form much more healthier relationships with people like that. That's great.  :hug:

Thank you both  :hug: :hug:

So tonight as I am sitting whining about being sick to a friend of mine, a woman from my past tried to friend me on Facebook. She was the mom of a girl I feel like I failed, and the aunt of one of my worst abusers. I am not sure what to think of it... why she would out of the blue decide to friend me. I just kind of froze for a second I sure what to do.

I haven't responded, and honestly probably won't. It may not be for any particular reason but I certainly don't want it to be for something and it to blow up. I don't have any hard feelings towards her but it brings up some rough stuff. I don't talk about the stuff with her much, never have talked about it specifically before...

I need to focus on healing this physical sickness but the world has a funny way of reminding me of things I have done  :fallingbricks:

I am feeling more stable than I have in weeks. There is a ton to do but I have allowed myself to sit back for a few days to heal. Getting a sinus infection really has made it imperative that I did. Only worked 5 hour days and spent time rest on either side of them. I have to work this evening to pay rent, but I gave away my morning shift to save myself from having a 12 hour day while sick. These 60 hour work weeks are really taking a toll on me physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have been applying around to jobs that would only be 40 hours a week, and could be more income. I am hopeful that something comes through but it has not in the last month. I will be more active in this though. As a survivor, and just a human being, I need more rest and time off than I am getting. I cannot sustain the lack of days off, and sheer amount of hours waiting for busy season to come along. Busy season is such great money and worth the stress, however the rest of the year is no longer worth it.

I am putting myself back into the position I did in college and I never want to go back to being that girl. I am much stronger, wiser, and more healed. I know my life needs a balance because I am healing, back then I was so driven to acheive everything that was more quantifiable. Now I recognize that healing and finding some peace in this life is something to strive for. I can't work my way to a better life. I have to heal and learn to embrace some of the quiet. Being constantly busy isn't what I want in my life. I don't truly know what I want in my life, but I know I want to be healthy. That is what I am striving for. Starting with not forcing myself to be crazy busy, and hopefully finding something that allows me the freedom to do that.

Financially I do not have that option with my jobs currently, because of the wages I have. Sadly I am part of that 20 something year old group that has too much debt, works too many hours, and still barely makes ends meet. I can push myself to keep it up if I have to but I truly do not want to do that. I am not longer the person that thrived on that. It is frustrating sometimes that I am not, but I am finding that maybe it is okay to not be that girl anymore. Having things like proper insurance, paid time off, and only 5 day weeks sounds like a dream.. especially if it is something that I can actually live off of. I would keep my serving job on the side to allow myself to pick up and put all of that toward savings, but would not have to pick up if I didn't want to.

Anyways, relating this to survivor cptsd things... as a girl the only things that could save me were being busy and being an overachiever. The more I was away from home doing activities the less time I was around my abusers. Overachieving came naturally to me, because I do have a knack for academics, music, and sports. I was just naturally well rounded without trying (yes I felt guilty for that). Keeping all of that up, and being the perfect student kept my family happier with me. It kept the love and affection I was getting. If I did not get those perfect grades, or didn't make the team/ get accepted into that honors group I wasn't as loved or cared for. MY siblings got off much easier on that front, but because I achieved naturally it was no longer okay for me to not do extremely well.

I learned that being busy, doing hours of work, and spreading myself extremely thin was how I would succeed. It was how I would get out of my abuse, it was how I would find love and respect in this world. It did get me out of my abuse, I got to leave home at 18 to go to school, because I had the grades and the full resume. It got me away, but it also got me depression, anxiety, and eating disorder, and just all around unhealthy habits. I am grateful for that part of me for getting me away from my past, but I don't need her anymore. Not to that level. I like my drive and motivation, I am glad I am a driven person and I need that piece of her. However, I don't need to exist in overdrive anymore. I got out, and stayed out. I work hard now to stay out, to stay independent. I think I am afraid of ever having to go back if I stop working, if I stop moving. That won't happen though, I have become a responsible adult with resources that would help me that would keep me from going back.

I can find a balance. I am determined to. I deserve to find that balance. I deserve that peace of mind and rest. It may not be the giant dreams that I once had, but it is a beautiful thing to wish for. I want a career and to help the world, but no longer at the expense of my own well being and peace. I deserve that much. I have been through so much more before 24 than some people see their whole lives.

I didn't really intend this post to go this direction, but I felt the need to get some stuff out. I have honestly started crying as I wrote the second half of this. It is a big revelation for me. Part of me feels bad for wanting this, and for not constantly working for me. However, is it truly bad to want to work 40 hours a week, be able to comfortably live, focus on healing, and just rest some?  :Idunno:

I feel like I am too young to want that, but it is what I want right now. Eventually something more but definitely in that frame of mind still.

absolutely not bad to want that for yourself, sweetie.  doesn't matter what age you are.  you're right to know that you deserve it.  i hope a new job pans out and you get what you need. 

i'm also glad you're looking for balance now.  i was in my 60's before that concept figured into my life.  i'm taking up your offer of the healing porch.  meet you there.  love you always.  big hug filled with health and healing.

Thank you, I am glad it is okay to be feeling this so young. I am grateful that you did eventually find balance in your life, I am only finding it so early because I am surrounded by people that have been through this. I reap the benefits of all the experience that people share with me.

Meet you at the porch San  :hug:



First I need to write something down. I hadn't thought about this yet. My grandparents moved out of my old childhood home a few weeks ago, and my parents now have to sell it since they own it. My M was telling me they have been painting white over all the walls, our rooms were so bright and one of the few things that I could cling to that was positive in that house.

I realize that I will probably never need to go to that place ever again. That was the place where I grew up, but that was also the place where I was abused the worst. Yet I find myself sad, also relieved, but it is a mix of emotions. I am not honestly sure what I should be feeling or what I do truly feel about that. So much of my pain happened there, and I will never have to step foot into it.

I will never have to step in the house and pretend I don't see the abuse that happened in every square inch. I don't have to stand in the living room chatting with everyone while fighting off the images of one or another abuser raping me. I don't have to avoid going to the bathroom in that house, because it triggers me to remember the violence that happened there.

I should be glad to never go there again, but honestly I don't know how to feel. It is confusing.

no shoulds, honey.  your feelings, no matter what they may turn out to be are valid.  when i quit smoking, as harmful as cigs are for me, i wanted them back every day.  still do.  doesn't make sense, but it doesn't have to.  it just is.

same with your feelings, whatever they are, they are.  that's why this is called complex trauma.  there's nothing simple or easy about it.  love you my dearest el.

That is a good reminder for me. I need to be reminded that my feelings are valid no matter what they, that there isn't some prescribed feeling I need to have at this juncture. It is a confusing strand of emotions, knowing my childhood home is being stripped of its personality and any sign I was ever there.

Someone else is going to live there and not have any clue what those walls held. Not the good, not the bad. That place made me who I am, good or bad. It was my home even if I didn't want it to be a lot of times. It is confusing to lose a place like that.  It saw my worst nightmares time and time again, but it also saw my good days. It saw some of the biggest joys too. The times I wasn't just the abused kid, times I got to be happy. 

I feel like a piece of me I should missing some closure not being there to help in this process, or to at least decide if I truly want to help in the process. There would be some closure in being able to say goodbye to that place, even if no one else understood it. There is a lot of things I could just say to that house, I know it is an inanimate object but it holds a lot.

The little girl in me both hates and loves that place. She needs some closure, so does adult me. There are very few ways I get to have that.

We had one tornado touch down about five minutes drive from my apartment, and two others ready to form close to that's one tonight. Storm sirens, lots of wind, rain, and hail.. the whole works. As I was sitting in my bathroom with my cats (it is the closest thing to a tornado shelter in my top floor apartment)  I realized these storms trigger some fear in little me. My inner child freaks out while the adult part of me angles things like moving to a different room, updating people that need to know, checking on my friends in the area, gathering a few candles and a flashlight just in case, etc....

That has been over for a solid fourty five minutes, the storm has reduced to what is considered calm around here... and I am still just calming that anxious little girl. I have lived near these for the better part of five years but I am not sure I will ever get use  to being told that there is a tornado five minutes from me. That could easily turn into on top of me... the warnings are manageable but real ones are terrifying. I saw one when I was a little girl, barely remember it but I think it left a scar on some part of my brain that doesn't remember.

Anyways going to eat some sherbet and read, hoping that will allow my inner child some peace so I can sleep. Thanks for giving me a place to put such random realizations

That sounds really scary! And your adult-you handled it really well.
I hope the sherbet and reading managed to calm little-you, so the anxiety went away

Thank you  :hug: the sherbet and reading did work really well. I got some good sleep, thankfully

i grew up in tornado country, so i know the drill, the sirens, the close-by touchdowns, and the storms that accompany them.  i'm so very glad you were able to take care of little you, and do what you needed to do afterwards for both of you.  well done, sweetie.

i think finding a way, some kind of ritual maybe, to get closure on that house and everything it contains would be a grand idea for you.  don't know if you have any photos of it that you could burn (possibly) or go there and get a piece of something from it, maybe a leaf off a bush or a blade of grass, even, that would symbolize the house for you.  say a little something that would close it up for you and toss it, flush it, burn it - whatever might work best for you.  just some ideas.

closure has always helped me especially when it's been with something tangible.  i hope you can put it to rest.  and, yeah, swirling emotions.  of course.   love you and a big hug, el.

I am glad you understand the sirens and such. I didn't grow up here so I am still adapting.. Thank you for reminding me I did well.

San, I might have a picture or something. I am not sure what else I have from the house, if I get the chance it would be nice to have a hair or two of the blue carpet.. something about the floor of that house just makes me cringe. I had never thought about it fully until right now, and it just makes my body immediately react. I not the fact I can remember how that floor felt, and remember trying to grip it when things got bad but it is not a long enough type carpet for that so the tips of my fingers would be red from trying to dig.

It was once a pleasing blue color, but now I think is only full of the times I spent shoved between it and a person... often carpet burns if things were violent or times when I wasn't allowed on the furniture because I had messed up that day...

Yes, as much as that particularly thing makes me feel, it will be what I burn with a picture of it. I am not sure if I will be able to get into the house or not when I am there, but if I can it is what I will choose. I can get a tiny bit without really causing any damage to it, and it might be the kind of ritual closure I need. Add in a bit of the grass that grows behind the shed out back (that is  another big trigger spot) and I would have a pretty strong set of things to help me maybe release some.

wow - that sounds like it would be tremendously powerful.  just in case you can't get at the actual carpet, perhaps a piece of yarn, string, or embroidery floss of the same color would make an acceptable substitute.  but i do hope you can get the actual carpet.  it's an intense visual, honey.  best to you with this.  love and a warm, comforting hug.

Thank you. I have never had closure on any of the physical stuff. Matter of fact out of the bedroom window of the house my family does currently live in I can see the tree that is in one of my worst memories. It now sits in a school yard, but was in a corn field at the time... I have never ever burned anything for any sort of symbolic reason or direct closure.


It is a powerful visual to think of possibly taking the stuff, saying a few words, and then burning them. If I can't get the carpet I think yarn of the same color would be sufficient, just not quite the same. It would symbolize it well enough though. Hoping this might give me some sort of closure.


Now, I have a job interview early in the morning then an apartment viewing before work tomorrow. Big day to maybe have a new job and a place to live. Going to try to spend the night resting and prepping

Feeling like I need to refuel today. It was exciting with the job interview, finally having a possible apartment for June, and a busy day at work. It ha sheen good but all the excitement really creates exhaustion too. I just feel super tired and worn thin, sadly I am always tired so the good just brings the same as the bad anymore. Also having a two hour interview wears on any ability to play the role I have.. it was a lot of intense pressure to start the day with.

I know Tuesday will be a session full of a million feelings, good and bad.

i totally know the feeling of stress being stressful, whether it's pos. or neg.  it's a gritch, sometimes, to enjoy something then become exhausted because of it.  sucks, actually.

still, i do think as we continue in recovery, these things will balance out the way they're supposed to.  at least, i hope so.  dang, i really hope so!  in the meantime, let's enjoy the good stuff as best we can, rest up and refuel just as many times as we need to.  and, we'll deal with the neg. stuff as it comes, rest up and refuel after that as well.  hopefully, that balance will eventually tip in our favor.

i'm smiling today so everything looks pretty rosy to me.  love you, el, you precious thing.  good luck with the results of the interview, and your new place to live.  i'm heading for a new place to live at the end of june.  new beginnings.  warm hug, sweetie.

I really hope those scales to tip in our favor one day. It is good to hear someone else gets tired off of the positive and negative stress the way I do. I wish I could feel energized by the good but my body jut isn't wired tat way right now.

Thank you for the well wishes. I will have to do two more interviews for this job to be completely mine, so I have to wait for results a few more times. Hopefully I hear something on Monday. I am moving in mid June, so we are moving close to the same time my dear. I wish you well on that venture. This reminds me I need to start packing once I get my apartment all clean

Hey, glad it's going so well. Good luck, Elpha.  :hug:

I am becoming an aunt today!!! I got off work stressed and upset just to see a message thay my sister is in labor. It melted away so much of the last two days. I am just so thrilled my niece is finally going to be here! I will meet her on the 23rd!!  :cheer:

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

congrats to all of you.  hope mom and baby are doing well.   you're going to be an amazing aunt!   love and hugs all around.

Thanks!! Both are well, baby is not yet born. Poor sister of mine is still in labor.  I am really excited to be an aunt and to see how my sister does as a mom

It became official a few hours ago  :cheer: I got to chat with my mom and sister, thankfully they remembered I said to call me no matter what hour of day. I have seen pictures and it just makes my heart melt. ❤️❤️

Hi Elpha,
It's lovely that you felt your heart melt - I'm presuming that's a good feeling.
Hope  :)

It is a wonderful feeling Hope. I am just so excited to have a niece and to watch my sister break the cycle

Congratulations on the birth of your niece! It sounds so good that her birth washed away some of the other stuff from the past few days.

Thank you, Blueberry!

Sadly all that good ended up with me extremely exhausted this morning, which turned into a full ef at work today because I had a rough table, my boss was stressed, and I hit my breaking point. It takes a long time to get to that, but I have struggled since Friday night and the ef hit before I even knew what was happening.

Finally home and safe, going to order food because I can't cook and I haven't eaten at all today... it is 6:13pm and I started work at 7a.m... spent about 5 of those hours dissociated, panicked, and shaky... so my body is in desperate need of calories.

I have a job shadow for a possible job tomorrow, if it goes well and I like it I will have a new job that will only require fourty hours a week of me. So I need to come down and rock that tomorrow.

fingers crossed and prayers flying, sweetie.  here's hoping for a more 'normal' work routine.  you sure deserve it.  love and hugs.

Good luck Elphanigh. Hope the job shadow goes well

Deep Blue, thank you :hug: this wasn't the job for me, but I did get out of there to find two emails for interviews so I will have some soon again it seems. I will find a normal routine soon

I hope that one of the others have what you are looking for.  Strength to you  :grouphug:

I am grateful for all of the strength  :hug: thank you for being here

I am not real sure how to post about all of this but I want to put some of it down in words. This may be a bit disjointed and lengthy but that is fitting of this roller coaster of a week.  :fallingbricks:


My session on tuesday helped shed light on a great deal of things for me. I have been struggling, going from highs to complete rock bottom lows. Life has had a lot of major events and it really wears on me. I found that I still struggle a lot more with my sister having my niece without me there than I thought. I have been so elated to have a niece, and to see pictures of this precious child. However, I have this bit of me that wants to keep my FOO from ever seeing her, to tell both of my parents to stay away from that child because I don't want her to turn out like me. I don't want them to cause her any harm, and part of me is terrified that they will. I know my sister is strong and stubborn (maybe even more stubborn than me) but she is living with my parents for the moment and it scares me to have the baby in that house, near people that were beyond toxic for me. I hadn't fully come to terms that a part of me feels so strongly about it, that a part of me is driven to protect my niece the same way I was driven to protect my sister. It feels like she is an extension of her. Seeing them both in person next week will likely help. I will get to be with them for almost a full week, which is enough for me to get a sense that she is safe. I know logically she is, and that my family is much better than it used to be. I know logically I was scapegoated and the one all of those abusive tendencies fell on most. That my CSA and CPA will not happen to her because the people that did that are gone and because my sister pays far more attention than my parents ever did to me.


Flute... now that is another heartbreak entirely. Friday night showed me my emotions for that, and my session did even more so. I have played today without the full fallout, I have a physical reaction that I know comes from the underlying emotion but it is manageable and I understand why it is there now. My T said that "this is an improvement, it may not feel like it is. You are playing which you weren't, and you are feeling emotions for it. There for a while you weren't feeling at all about it. Those emotions may feel awful but they are an improvement." I am trying to see this as truth. I have never sat as fully with these emotions, never felt that despair so deeply. Everytime I come back to this subject the emotions get stronger, like my subconcious is slowly allowing myself to believe it is safe to feel them.

The despair is one that I have never felt so intensely. It aches down to my core and it consumes me if I am not careful. I almost cried in session yesterday, I still havent cried in my T's office nearly a year after seeing her for the first time. I have gotten close many times, none as close as yesterday. She knows this, and has told me that it is safe and okay in that office but that she understands it may not feel safe to parts of me yet. Part of my soul and heart were ripped up, dragged through the mud, and probably through a wood chipper too. That is how it feels. Trying to put that back together feels impossible sometimes. Feels like looking as "everything I will never get to do or feel again" Those were the words I used to my T, I think. 

I found anger too, and feelings of betrayal and abandonment.  This is a trauma to my adult self as well as my younger parts, which makes it different to deal with. Because I can't always feel like my adult self the younger parts of me just come at me like a wall of emotions rather than things I can distinguish between. That is getting a bit easier to try to do but I have a long way to go. I expressed the most productive anger I have ever expressed in session yesterday. I don't believe I have ever expressed that much anger before, and certainly not aloud to another person. Getting to use EMDR to process that really let me tap into it without hesitation, I just let the words happen and the feelings sit in my body in a productive way. Anger is such an active emotion, unlike despair, it creates movement and energy. It creates a more present adult self, and helps me to feel less stuck.

I did recognize that I had issues with the rest of the music department too. There is a great amount of things that could have been done and no one ever did do them. People that were otherwise in my corner ignored it because E was too much of an issue to tackle. My health didn't matter in that case, only that I was playing and being successful. My mental/physical health was never important enough to them and at the time wasn't to me because I was in survival mode. I came to college as a place that finally made me free, where I could feel light and abuse free, I had that for a few months and then everything crashed. So there I was back into the pain and abuse. I was back into a space where adults and mentors weren't doing their jobs for me, they were shying away because I seemed okay enough. I was back into a space where my list of adults that didn't do anything to rescue me grew. That place created more of a list of people that expressed that they cared but would never do anything more than that for me. I was again, only my academic and musical aptitude. That both feels like abandonment and also produces anger.

It produces regret because I had offers from other schools that may have been healthier for me. Places that might have nurtured me and I could have flourished. I could have been the most talented musician in the department if I was just taught in a way that did not turn into more of the same abusive roller coaster. More of the crazy making that was like my FOO. I was the golden child/ flute prodigdy in front of others, but behind closed doors in or in messages etc I could never be enough. She would be surprised "if I ever actually completed my full recital" Like I was a charity case... but in front of others I was a beautiful player that worked harder than anyone... to them all she could say was good.. but to me I was never enough, I never worked enough or blew enough, I would never make it anywhere... If that isn't a crazy making roller coaster I don't know what is. I recognize that I have no idea what the truth was. I have no real idea if I am any good because of it.



This stuff is just powerful and painful. I do still feel like the success of last week's session stands. There is more but I know this has been super long. So going to end it here and hope it has helped process bits of this

Elphanigh,
This journal is not rambling.  It makes perfect sense to me.  Another member of the forum said this to me and is a quote I have kept close to my heart.  The vilest predators are attracted to the brightest lights.  I suspect you are a wonderful flute player.  I suspect listening to you would give me goosebumps.  Busy and crazy few days for you so I'm just sending you some love, compassion and support
:hug: Deep Blue

Deep Blue, I am really glad you understand it and that it isn't a ramble. I love that quote, thank you for it. It makes me think a little better of myself just in that moment. Maybe one day I will find a way to share music here, and let you hear it.

I am finding that yoga has become a huge healing tool for me. I went to a yin class last night which is a slowed down class, we hold poses for long periods of time so we can sink into them. The whole thing is basically treated as a massive hour and a half long meditation that taps into the body and the grounding aspects of it. It quiets the mind and body a lot.

Last night in one of the poses I had a glimpse of a memory, one I am not honestly sure I have ever remembered. It feel like it was something I was really dissociated for, and the memory felt like it was kind of in my subconscious. Something I hadn't ever gotten the chance to remember until my mind was entirely still. I can't fully get access to the memory but it is kind of there.

*trigger warning*

I laid in a supported savasana and found myself remembering something similar from when I was younger. I could see a man standing above me, I can't tell who it is, and just felt the sense that I had been trying to not feel it. I was laid in a similar way to that pose but the memory felt like I had completely disconnected from the world, numbed out to what the man above me was doing. I am not sure if that is because my subconscious isn't letting me feel all of it, or if I did jus truly block it out and not feel anything at that time.


End warning,


I want to go back to the memory and see what I can find but I don't want to force it, especially with my work week starting today.

I feel like I have written in here a lot the last day or two... I think it is just the mass of everything processing in my mind. It is good but it means I need more of an outlet than usual. I am moving (waiting to hear back on our application), I am finally getting job interviews and soon one of them will be the fit that I am looking for. I am headed to my family home in six days to meet my niece and see my brother graduate high school. I will also try to see my old house before it is sold and I never have the chance to part with it.

Every time I go back to that place it feels less like home. I have always known it was not where I belong, and now is no different but now there is a niece and such in the picture. I am not in school and not really working any sort of dream job. But right now I am where I need to be to heal, that is my purpose right now. Everything is built around healing and finding myself right now. Sometimes I feel like that is a bad focus but it is what I have right now. It is a selfish focus, and not traditionally productive but it is what is good for me right now. It does likely mean I am not applying for graduate schools this year, it likely means that I will do a lot more soul searching before I find what it is I am meant to be doing.

Healing is important but I feel a little lost sometimes. It has taken my focus and energy. I spend my downtime doing yoga, reading articles, and helping my inner child. I don't spend it school researching or driving towards goals. It is something I am trying to accept as good and healthy right now.

personally, el, i don't know that there is a more important goal to be working toward than healing ourselves.  and, it is work - tough, difficult, roller coaster, draining, wearing, exhausting work that is often not tangible, but that doesn't mean it isn't real.

i've always loved what dumbledore said to harry (if you're familiar with the harry potter stories) when harry asked 'is this all in my head?' and dumbledore answered 'yes, but that doesn't mean it isn't real.'  what is truth and life but a myriad of perceptions, perspectives, thoughts, opinions, emotions, etc?  they're all in our heads, but they're all very real.

what you are doing with your life, focusing and concentrating on resolving past issues that interfere with having a happy, healthy you, is very self-ish (rather than selfish), and it needs to be.  if we don't know ourselves, how can we know anything about what's in our mind, what our truths are, and ultimately, what is real for us. 

all those realizations around your flute-playing, the knowledge of what others did or did not do for/to you, are helping you recognize what is truly beneficial for you and what is not.  what a grand concept!  that's what gives you the knowledge, armor, and ammunition to make sure it doesn't happen again.  you were cheated and betrayed by the very people who should have been helping you continue to grow into your potential.

once again, they didn't break you.  maybe bent you over for a bit, but not broken.  and i agree with your t that being able to recognize and feel those very deep and dark emotions is absolute progress.  they've been there, and you're now more ready to have them surface.  they're awful, they're in your mind, and they're very real.  lots of courage showing to acknowledge and be with them.  they'll eventually pass by doing this, and then you'll be free of them.  finally.

as for your niece, have you talked to your sis about what's happened, about your fears?  yeah, you're feeling protective, and i think that's valid.  maybe some of the abusers are gone, but foo enabled all that happened at the very least.   i don't know if your sis is ready to talk about it, but maybe you could tentatively bring up a little about your fear, see how she responds.  small steps.

in the meantime, i love that mama bear spirit, and i don't doubt some of what you're afraid of will be allayed with your visit.  i'm really happy for you that you'll get to spend a bit of time with them.  very cool.  you're so very precious.   love you, and sending a big hug full of warmth, caring, and eventual relief.

San, it is great to hear some reassuring words about this being my goal. All those words describe this journey so perfectly  :hug:

As far as Harry Potter goes, I grew up with a nose in a book. I am proudly a Ravenclaw and always will be. I learned so much about life for those stories. Thank you for reminding me of those beautiful words.

Self-ish makes it look and sound better in my head, I appreciate that. It is something I have to do so I can figure out what makes me happy and who I truly am, no longer surrounded by manipulative and toxic people.

The realizations are huge, I am hopeful it means that I won't ever go through something like that again. That I will now know what true nurturing and good teaching feels like. I will know good/healthy people from the bad ones. I will also now know that I don't want to stay in places like I was in before just to complete a career goal.

They didn't break me, but they have certainly made me feel broken. I hope that sitting within all these emotions does truly help me get past them. I want to one day not feel like this, and to be able to play with just joy. I also want to trust that I will find something equally as beautiful for my life. I am glad you agree with my T, always good to have validation on this. My subconscious is really allowing s ton to surface recently, I am managing but goodness it is a lot.

I haven't talk to my sister about it, and not sure I ever will. I still live in a part of my life that hopes she doesn't remember most of it.  I know she knows my parents fought, and that was toxic but that is all I know she understood. I don't have any idea if she knows about the sexual or physical abuse, matter of fact I am scared that the pregnancy will help her remember. Sometimes that happens when women have kids.... I don't want her to remember, I don't want her to blame me. It terrifies me.

I have inquired a little about how my FOO is now, and what life is like for her around the house. Just a little sisterly talked but nothing around the words abuse, neglect etc... I don't think I could ever directly have that conversation with her. I dug a little bit once to see what she would say but nothing came up in that.

I have a large mama bear spirit, always have. It is a part of me naturally. I am hoping being there will clear this up some. It will be great to spend some time with them, hard to be with the rest of my foo, but great to be with my sister and niece.

Love to you  :hug:

Awwww, Elpha. I think you're doing great. You have a beautiful love of music and a beautiful love for others. While it's important to be self-ish like San says for yourself, caring for yourself can allow you to care for others better. The Western world thinks of productive as something done with action, but I believe there's a lot to figure out through reflection and thought too.

In the STEM world, for example, some people don't see mathematicians as useful as engineers. Engineers are the practical people in STEM and those math geeks are just playing with numbers. But with playing around with ideas, they discover information that could allow new practical ideas. Mathematical knot theory was a leisure time for math geeks in labeling how knots could be tied with different numbers and structure. Later on, scientists found out that molecules inside the body could work like knots, and knot theory could be used for the medical field.

As someone who's err. . . an "impractical" person as well for ideas (and math), I give a lot of credit to random exploration and time for reflection. By losing a direction, new opportunities could be found by thinking differently and without order. We lose our way by staying rigidly towards a path that doesn't work, and to find something that does work mean not acting in that path.

Well, take care, Elpha. Here.  :hug:

Decimal,

All of that made me smile. As a musician and philosopher the impractical ideas are my forte. I was also phenomenal at math and abstract ideas in those areas so I understand all of what you were talking about. It is amazing to hear it put in those terms. Honestly I think hearing it in a more academic comparison it sinks in more for me.

Thank you for thinking of it that's way and sharing with me. It really helps my mind wrap around it a bit better. You appealed to something I understand and respect so much  :hug:

Two more days and I will have freedom! Starting Monday I will be off for ten days, and can not wait. I leave on Wednsday for my actual vacation to where my family lives. For the most part that will be good, I just have to watch my boundaries while I am there.

The time off will offer me a great chance to rest, and for my body to catch up. Before I leave I have two phone interviews, and will hopefully hear back about the apartment application. I will clean my apartment, and work on packing for the move. I want to have everything settled before I leave.

Have a flute lesson, hoping that's will help that part of me, and then a therapy session the night before I go. I think it will be helpful to have that one last time to process. My mind and emotions have been swirling for days, I think there is just a great deal of change going on so my subconscious has a lot to handle right now.

Best wishes Elpha,
I hope things align for you.  You definitely deserve the chance to recharge.  Keep on eye on your boundaries and we will clamor in with support if you need it  :bigwink:
:grouphug:

Deep Blue, thank you! Honestly I really feel like I will be able to hold my boundaries. I have a some plans with friends I haven't seen in a while that will keep me
from staying in that space all the time. I will also have my new niece to truly focus on. My one concern is my B's graduation as my M ruined both my HS and
college graduations making them about her so I know that could be triggering for me. I will keep it in mind and do lots of self care. I plan to bring my yoga mat
and art work with me to make sure I have me time.

It is really great to be reminded that if I struggle with those boundaries that everyone will clamour in as you have so brilliantly put it.

Here's hoping you have a great holiday Elpha!  :hug: :hug: It's so great you're taking props along like yoga mat and art work so you have me time. It's so important!

Blueberry, I think my holiday will be great! I don't remember the last time I had more than two days in a row off. I have ended up with at least 9 days off which is amazing. I will really need to watch my boundaries with my foo, but since I am more a guest than anything else there is makes a large difference in the time I spend there.

My yoga mat and artwork is my bit of a safety net almost. I need time for me on my Vacation too, no telling when I will get the chance again"

Thank you for the well wishes!!

enjoy enjoy enjoy.  so happy for you that you're able to go, be with your new niece for that time, and that you're prepared for self-care in so many ways.  i often, when i know there may be controversy of some sort, put up what i call a 'god shield' (i learned that from someone else) in front of me, and it's truly helped me to not feel so vulnerable, and to feel more protected from whatever might be coming at me.

so, best wishes.  i think it'll be great.  lots of love, big hug, can't wait to hear how it went.

Thank you, San!! I am so excited for it. I just got off my last work shift and am soaking up the freedom  ;D I have two phone interviews tomorrow but otherwise no work related stuff for ten days  :cheer:

I love the idea of a shield, I will work on that visualization

I had a large break through with my music playing tonight, both within the music itself and emotionally. Musically I had a great lesson, and fixed a section I was truly struggling with.

For me emotionally, I recognize that my musical and creative part is alive and well. It comes out in and around these lessons, I feel whole and good when it is there's. However, I know I am terrified of letting it come out and of letting myself feel that joy and wholeness. Like if I let myself feel it I will be in danger of it getting ripped away again. I don't think I would survive that pain a second time. I am finally stable and starting to move on with my life.. if I let it back in I know myself well enough to know that I will want that old dream again.

Tonight my current flute teacher told me that I had the talent and drive to be the symphony musician, I would just need to be prepared for that lifestyle and to truly practice everyday.  She is the first person that has ever told me that I had what it took to be a symphony musician. She told me that if I wanted it that I should do it. Hearing that means the world.

I have recognized that I am nervous she will do what E did. That her kind words will change like they did from E. That she says it but doesn't mean it, that these words will soon turn into me not being enough again. I can't trust her yet... I can't trust the good yet. 

I realize that I don't feel like I can know the difference between truth and lie when it comes to  my playing. That is crazy making, and certainly insecurity inducing

Job interview went really well, I won't know until Friday. My apartment application is not done yet but everything on my end isn't good, we are just waiting for my roommates employer and we should be clear. Hopefully I can know about that by Friday too. On another upper note, I may have a car pretty quickly after I get back from vacation.

I leave my apartment for my plane I twelve hours from now. Before that I have a therapy session, dinner, and then a mass cleaning of my apartment. I am already a bit caffeine fueled today but that will need to continue. Early morning flights are great but leaving my apartment at about 3:30am is always an adventure!

I get to meet my niece tomorrow though!! I will also officially be somewhere I can do no actual work. Which is huge for me. I do plan to get a few things from my old house that I can burn when I get back as a symbol of truly moving into this new life. Whatever this new life brings I am committed to it. Committed to healing, growing, exploring and becoming myself more and more.

I am going to focus around my music today in session. I want to work on that because I want a clear vision for myself on this. It is a trauma and one that will affect every aspect of my life whether I want to believe that as true or not. It affects all of me because that art isn't part of who I am. It is like oxygen for me, I have just simply learned not to breathe so much. I don't know how I will move forward but I feel like this is what I want to heal as explore at the moment. I have spent time working on the violent traumas, and the sexual abuse, as well as my mom issues. However this particular trauma would give me a pnother coping mechanism if I could heal it. It is a trauma to my adult self as much as it is a trauma to my younger selves. I think that makes it more powerful at this moment.

So here's to exploring it tonight. Last nights realizations are large and I want to unpack them

wow and wow again, dearest el.  all i can say is wow, because this is so huge on so many levels for you. 

the fact that you are questioning, are voicing your fears, are ready to tackle the trauma behind your playing speaks volumes, to my mind.  you go, girl!!!  symphony level, huh?  wowser bowser.  from the way you've spoken of your music, i don't doubt for a minute that's true.

the fact that your teacher warned you about the pitfalls of such a position (the schedule, the practice, etc. ) tells me that she has your best interests at heart.  it feels good to me.  rings true on a deep, deep level.

o honey, i'm so happy for you i could explode.  in fact, i will.     :fireworks:  can't keep it in.  i think of all those bright, beautiful lights in the sky and i think of you.  dang, that's fabulous.  love and hugs, always, sweetie.

Elpha,
I'm with San. So happy for you as well.  Super exciting to get to meet your niece too.  :hug: I love burning items from your old life.  You are incredible and I'm so proud of you  :party: :bighug:

I am getting to read these after a very positive therapy session on the subject. I listed out a lot of the good that was said about my playing, and hearing truly only one real negative voice.. the abuse from E really overshadowed all the good I was ever told and made me question it. She made it impossible for me to believe the good. I fear that good is wrong or not trustworthy because of what I went through with E.

However my T made some beautiful points. I push through, got the degree, even getting a 3.68 gpa which is super high to begin with. Imagine what would have happened if I wasn't being regularly emotionally abused? She also said what she wants for me is me to have my dream. That she hopes through processing with her I can come to choose based on what I truly want, not based on the fears that surround the decision. That really struck a chord.

In session I realized that, it isn't that I don't want music it is that I am afraid. If I am honest, I want that career in music, I want to be that symphony player, and that college professor. I want that life. The passion I have held for music is truly unlike anything else, and I have never been able to make anything else feelthat way, although I have tried. I want that life still. I want to be immersed in that art and getting to take part in something so much larger than myself. I am just terrified to want it. I am terrified of believing I am enough.


San, thank you for the fireworks they mean the world to me. She thinks I could do it one day, and was surprised no one had ever told me that before. To tell me the ins and outs of that life and what it would take is great. It means she does truly want me to know what it would be like. You are right that shows that she has my best interest at heart. It is good to hear you feel that she is genuine here too. Lots of love to you ♥️

Deep Blue, it means a lot that you are proud of me. This is all a lot to take in and do so it is great to feel validated in that. I cannot wait to meet my niece soon.  :hug: :cheer:

Through security and just waiting for my first flight to board! Excited to have proper holiday and space to rest  :hug:

My FOO is already chaotic and stressful.... so much for a peaceful vacation. Maybe it will get better.

Meeting my niece is a true treat though, could just cuddle with her all day and things melt away.

For now, my brother isn't graduating high school and hasnt been home since last night. Nor has he been heard from. My mom and sister have already contemplated whether or not he has gotten into drugs...

My D got home and M is already angry at him and making snide comments.

Then just the complete chaos and stress level that exudes from this place... my goodness. This is why I stay away and have my own life

Oh Elpha,
I know it's not the vacation you were hoping for. Sending you support while you are there.  Some things never change I guess.  So sorry.  Keep holding that niece tight and I hope the craziness melts away as you embrace her.
Sending you love, support, and strength
:hug:
Deep Blue

Thank you, Deep Blue  :hug:

I always hope things have gotten better here and get dissapointed when they aren't. I know better. Holding my niece does truly help.

One day I will take a true vacation, one for just me.

with you this entire time.  just so happy you get to be with your niece.  hope you can keep the focus on her as much as possible.

your session and your t sounded great.  i get the fears you have around wanting something so badly, and so afraid that it's out of your reach and you shouldn't be wanting it at all.  i have no doubt you'll be able to push thru eventually and live your dream, sweetie.  no doubt at all.

lovelovelove and hugs to you, your sis, and that sweet baby.

I hope you'll be able to enjoy the time with your niece more than the chaos and the stress of the other family members will be putting on you, directly or indirectly. Hopefully your brother is safe and just needed to get away for a bit.

If the vacation takes more out of you than you're able/willing to take - is it possible for you to go home sooner?
Sending you some good thoughts!

San, thank you for being with me the whole time. My niece is really the saving grace of this trip so far. I nearly fell asleep with her on my chest tonight, there is so much peace and love for such a tiny new person.  She is the sweetest and happiest week old baby I have ever seen. 

The session was great, I do hope I can get past my fears and choose what will truly be right for me. Lots of love ❤️

Sceal, I will focus on my niece best I can. Right now I am just feeling sleep deprived and stressed but am finally in my own space for the evening,  :zzz: As far as going home sooner there isn't, and I feel rather stuck by that fact tbh.

This is going to be a bit whiny and just a list of issues that have popped up with only twelve hours around my FOO

1) they are just always stress filled and drama ridden
2) my brother hasn't been home or contacted family since Tuesday morning... we know from a friend in the area where's he is tonight, so that's is a comfort ish
3) my parents things B is in drugs
4) B is not graduating high school.... I planned this trip around his graduation date...
5) M has already drug me into feeling bad for her and trying to help her make decisions... she is great at leaning on me. (I did refuse to make the decision for her)
6) I absorb the chaos and general stress level of this environment
7) I am stuck in a room that has a view of a tree that is part of one of my worst memories
8) I am so worried my sister remembers... and can't shake it
9) I have been awake for 23 hours and have not had enough food, sadly I am not entirely in control o that right now
10) I have to call the dentist because my sore mouth has spiked into something that is rather concerning and makes it hard to eat when I am given food
11) my old dog had a stroke but is okay... but had a talk with my M about the fact we all would need to decide what would be more humane for him
12) my GM is being irresponsible and it could kill her... I learned about four er trips and to times of complete unresponsive ness on her part tonight ...


There is more but I am exhausted and just needed a handful of this out. I will adapt to this place I always do, but this is a healthy reminder of why I cannot be closer to my niece

Sweet Elpha,
It's ok, we are here.  We are with you the whole time.   :grouphug:  Do what you can to get through it and don't beat yourself up for it.  Go easy on yourself because you are in the center of the volcano right now.  Please write when you can and dump as much as you need to here.  Sending you so much love dearest,
:hug: :hug:

everything deep blue said.

also, just a reminder that maybe you can put up a 'screen' to help keep the nasties off you while you're there.

love you to bits, and sending hugs filled with ems to keep you safe.

Both of you are truly wonderful  :hug: :hug: I will do what I can, thankfully after some solid sleep I feel like I am more capable of it. Today holds some less stress in theory as well, but at least a more rested me is better off than the sleep deprived one

San, I will need to remember the screen. That might help, as s lot of my stress is just that I absorb so much of what goes on around me.


Love to you both  :hug:

Quote from: Elphanigh on May 22, 2018, 11:18:55 PM
However my T made some beautiful points. I push through, got the degree, even getting a 3.68 gpa which is super high to begin with. Imagine what would have happened if I wasn't being regularly emotionally abused?

:yeahthat:   Totally. Same goes for all those other talented things you do like in fine art! (versus the background you had growing up).

Quote from: Elphanigh on May 22, 2018, 11:18:55 PM
If I am honest, I want that career in music, I want to be that symphony player, and that college professor.

And you wondered how I knew you're good  ;)

Step by step you'll get where you want to go and step by step you'll confront/embrace the fear that's useful (some of it is) while you let the fear go that's to do with the past and no longer useful.  :hug: :hug:

Quote from: Deep Blue on May 24, 2018, 01:31:58 PM
Sweet Elpha,
It's ok, we are here.  We are with you the whole time.   :grouphug:  Do what you can to get through it and don't beat yourself up for it.  Go easy on yourself because you are in the center of the volcano right now.  Please write when you can and dump as much as you need to here.  Sending you so much love dearest,
:hug: :hug:

:yeahthat:

Being 'back home' with FOOs like ours is not easy at all. Always hope somebody else might manage better than me, might have it easier than me, a FOO less crazy etc. So, this is their crazy, not yours.

Enjoy your little niece as best you can and soak up that baby love and give it back. I remember how good that felt with my little nieces/nephews.

:hug: :hug: :bighug:

Blueberry,

It still blows me away you like my art work so much and have faith in me as a musician. Just because I want to be symphony level, or a professor doesn't mean I am that level. I appreciate how much faith you have in me to do these things, and get past the fear built on the past.

As far as foo, having a full night sleep and some food really helps. I feel a little more capable to not let their crazy become mine. I except a big blow up if my brother does come home tonight, but he needs to come home. 

On a plus side I have a dentist appointment in a few hours. I can get the spot in my mouth checked, I don't like the dentist but I should get it looked at while I am here.

I hate the dentist. It is nice that I got to go alone though, not having my M with me is validating of me being an adult and her finally accepting that. 

Hi Elpha,
Great that you got to see the dentist on your own, and that your M validated you being an adult and accepted that -  :cheer:  Hope the dental appointment was ok.
:hug: to you. 
Hope  :)

Hope, the dentist went well thank you. It was nice to have my M validate that, it shows some progress for her. I still have this obnoxious spot in my mouth that I just have to let heal but at least it isn't anything dangerous.

great going, el.  and great growing as well. 

too tired to write much, but with you all the way.  love and hugs

Always glad to have you with me. I hope you can get some rest today  :hug:

Yesterday ended up being really wonderful, and hopefully tonight will be the same. My brother came home on Thursday and we got to go on our boating trip yesterday. I am sore and my hands have mayching bruises but completely worth getting to go tubing with my cousins.

Here's hoping the no drama trend can continue

fingers crossed and prayers flying, sweetie.

Thank you! I spent the afternoon doing yard work but it went well. We have a get together with smores and such tonight, with some old friends from HS.  I haven't seen a lot of them in a while. It should be a laid back evening under the stars

hope you enjoyed - it sounds like it could be a lot of fun.  i'm just glad this trip is so far going basically well for you, sweetie.  love and hugs.

It was really good. I am glad it has basically gone well too, although I am surprised at that fact

you're a different person now than you were the last time you had contact.  give yourself credit - you're making your life your own as you're reclaiming yourself.  well done!   love you.

I am every different than last time I was here. Going home for Christmas last year was entirely too early, the six months more of healing in therapy has really made such a gigantic difference for me here. I feel like I can stabilize and not have to change myself for them, because I recognize it isn't my job to change for them. I just have to live the life I am building and be happy with that choice. I am, I think, finally happy with it.  :hug:

yahoo!  and giddyup!  that's so great to hear.  love it, love you.

Thank you! I love how this can be celebrated here. It means the world that other people understand it

We love celebrating your victories with you.  :cheer: :bigwink: :hug: ;D :party: :bighug: :bighug: :waveline: :worship: :yourock: :yahoo: :boogie: :cloud9:

Phew I think I got the good ones  ;)

So very happy to hear that you've hade wonderful days! You deserve it so much!  :cheer: :cheer:

Thank you for the celebration Sceal  :cheer:


I am headed back to where I live today, will be a long 12 hours of travel but that is okay. The trip ended up being what I needed, and I am glad to be heading back to my life in the city though.

I have a lot of new things to look forward to. I have been given a job offer, a new car as of Friday, and I will be moving out of my apartment on the 15th. Lots of change but I am excited to be making it. This will be a giant transition period but here we go  :cheer:

Elpha,
A new adventure indeed.  So happy for you darling.   :bighug:

Thank you Deep blue  :hug:

just to let you know i'm thinking of you.  you're in my heart. love and hugs.

San, you are in my thoughts too. Have been wondering how you were  :hug: love you

Wow, that's amazing Elpha! So much positive change in your life now. It's much more comfortable to live this way.  :cheer:

Thank you, SpacePasta!  :cheer:

Being back in mt own life ia weird but good. I didn't truly get even 5 seconds to enjoy it before going back in full force. All the positive change comes with a crap ton of work so I am right back at it. I have one last job interview today (I would prefer this one to the one I have been offered, so I decided to still take it)

I came home and had no wifi, I still won't until Friday evening. My boss never sent the appropriate fax to the apartment building I am supposed to move into so that is not yet solidified... I will have to figure out how to take care of that paperwork tomorrow somewhere between getting my car and work.

Plus side I will have a car for the first time in nearly 9 months

Back to the adventure. I will need ro process the trip to see my foo at some point but I think the next few days are full enough. I do also find a need to practice flute and do yoga, I will make a point to do so tonight

It's so wonderful to hear that you are doing music again! It brings a smile to my face to read that.   :thumbup:

Sceal, it has felt really healthy since my last therapy session about it. I am hoping it continues

So do I!
:hug:, if it's okay!

I always love  :hug: :hug:

Me too,  :hug: to you Elpha. 
Hope  :)

I am not even really sure where to start. Being home for three days has been a good but rough transition back into this life.

Good things:
-I have a car
-I have a job offer (probably two offers)
-I love being in the city again
-I have my cats
-I have been playing flute and really loving it



Harder things (I won't say bad because they aren't necessarily bad things):
-bills
- jumped right back into working and that stress
-still don't know where I am living in two weeks but need to
-goodness I need to pack
-haven't gotten to a yoga class yet, I am really in need of it
-my WiFi at home has been out since I got back
-I now have to fight with my landlord to make her stick to the paperwork she signed for my move out price



All of that has meant I have not fully processed having been with my Foo for a week. My neice is so beautiful and I miss her already, but I have come to realize she will be okay. My sister is a great mom so far and my own M is doing better by her than she ever did me. My S is also determined to move out of that house ASAP so I feel better knowing that my N will no live there when she is in her more formative years.

My M was better than usual. Her guilt trip game was strong on the day I left but otherwise she was kinder and left her snide comments out of the mix. She was also oddly calm about my B having not graduated and disappearing for two days. Her meds and her work on her anger is getting somewhere. I wish she had made this effort when I was a kid but I am grateful she is making it now. It will never excuse the things she did when I was growing up but it might mean I don't resent her fully forever.

My parents marriage is still a mess, but I managed to get minimal venting from both of my parents. I started to draw much stronger boundaries, as it is not my job to solve their problems. It was never my job to watch out for everyone's well being, but I did it because that is how I learned to function. Now though, I have my own life and have healthier boundaries. They are adults and can solve their own issues. I am not a sounding board or peace maker for them anymore, I refuse to be that. It isn't healthy for me and even for them they just don't see that.

Sad when I feel like I am far wiser than my parents in a lot of ways but here we are.  :no:


Anyways there is more but I am going to process in chunks

Quote from: Elphanigh on June 02, 2018, 01:35:00 PM
I started to draw much stronger boundaries, as it is not my job to solve their problems. It was never my job to watch out for everyone's well being, but I did it because that is how I learned to function. Now though, I have my own life and have healthier boundaries. They are adults and can solve their own issues. I am not a sounding board or peace maker for them anymore, I refuse to be that. It isn't healthy for me and even for them they just don't see that.

Sad when I feel like I am far wiser than my parents in a lot of ways but here we are.  :no:

Wow! Huge realization! I mean HUGE! The light within you is shining bright sweet Elpha. Take good care.
- Deep Blue

I really appreciate that, Deep Blue! It was a huge thing to have occur, wad an adventure trying to stick to it

I realize I haven't slept well since I got back. Partially it is because my cats have insisted on waking my up st regular intervals.. but I realize that it isn't entirely them. I have not been able to quiet my mind since I got here, a lot changes in the next two weeks and my mind will just not shut off. Like I was gone from this particular crazy for almost ten days so coming back is like a shock to the system. It isn't chaos like my foo but it is busy and stressful. Working on getting everything done and settled is difficult.

My mind is also safe to start feeling some of the emotions from my vacation, and recognize things I learned there. In that space it isn't safe to completely allow myself to focus on that emotional aspect of my life. I can note that it is there but I cannot safely do processing when I am there. So here I am, working my second double and feeling like there is a great deal packed away that I just can't get ahold of yet. I think my session on Tuesday might bring some of this forward.

I have found through my healing journey that this feeling comes and often leads to some major things. That is both scary and wonderful, as I am waiting to see what happens with it.

Just needed to put this somewhere. Thank you all for reading my ramblings

sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now, el.  wowser bowser - no wonder you're having difficulty sleeping! 

i'm so glad you were able to clear out the music neg. for yourself during your session, sweetie, and that you're back to loving it.  that is the best news ever!  i'm so happy for you i could spit!   my heart is singing right now.

personally, i think you just need a bit of time and space for your processing to de-clutter and your sleep to get back to normal.  glad to hear your sis will be leaving as soon as she can.  lots of feelings of relief there.

i'm also glad you're mother is doing better than she was.  sorry, also, that it wasn't in time for you, tho.  that sucks.

so, welcome back.   best with everything going forward, dear el.  love and hugs always.

San, it is certainly a lot to have on my plate. I am glad it makes sense to someone else too.

Music has a ways to go, but it has been such a relief to be enjoying it. It is fitting that your heart is singing  :hug: I really hope this continues in my life.

Time will be good for me. You are right it should help clear my head so I can sleep again. Knowing my sis will leave is really helpful for me. I don't worry for my niece as much as I did before, seeing her happy and healthy makes a large difference.

As far as my mom, it is awful that she couldn't be a better mother for me but I am glad she is for my sister now. Inside there is a little Elpha that feels a lot of pain from having a mom that wasn't good, or safe.

Thank you for a warm welcome back. Need lots of luck and determination for a few weeks. Love you, San

love you right back, sweetie.  sending hugs on angel wings full of luck and determination.  and peace so you'll eventually sleep well.

So appreciated! It is just after noon here and I am finally recovered from the crap ton of nightmares I had last night. *Sigh* one day I will sleep well.

Goodness, I am not even sure how to begin this post. Yesterday brought a ton of realizations and changes. I put in my two weeks at both my jobs, ensured that my new job would allow me to keep my therapy appointment on Tuesdays, not having to shift that makes it easier.

My therapy session was big. Last time I was in my T wrote a note (and I was unsure what it was at the time) it was saying to process my fear of gettting my PhD. It was not at all what the topic was last session but something had spiked her instincts about it. It was a very insightful note, so we started on that topic after I gave her a run down of all the recent major life changes. There is a part of me that is terrified I am not good enough. That is the main belief we are going to tackle in emdr. But when we got to listing the positives that show times I felt capable, that list is really long. My T even typed it out and printed it for me so I could see it and add to it when I wanted to. It was really strange to see my accomplishments written down and validated. I forget that all that I have done isn't just normal and average. They are big deals, and I accomplished a large amount for a normal person let alone someone going through horrific abuse. It was odd to start to recognize that.

I went to an aerial yoga class afterwards, it was my first time trying aerial. The use of the silk hammock has always made me curious and I finally had the opportunity to try it. It was at first very nerve wracking but it got to be so much fun, there were five of us and we could laugh it out when things were difficult. I eventually was able to let myself flip backwards out of the hammock, and find piece in some of the inversions. It was a beautiful balance of trust and power of choice, I loved it. It was a perfect topper to my day after my therapy session. I came out feeling powerful and capable, just like the positive belief that is the goal of the emdr I am working on.

There is great change for me this month, and it feel turbulent but there are so many positive things. I am grateful for them

 :bighug:
Elpha you are doing an incredible job.  Those are big accomplishments for sure.  So proud of you.  :hug:
Much love
Deep Blue

i echo what deep blue said, el.  incredible job. 

i'm so glad your t has such spot on intuition about you.  that is so great to hear.  really great that she printed all your accomplishments out so you could see them in black and white.  i've always found that powerful.

best to you with your new job.   lots of change, indeed.  wow!  you go, girl!!!

lots of love, big hug to you, sweetie.  keep up the good work.  that new goal of creating a new positive belief about yourself sounds absolutely wonderful.

Deep Blue and San, your kind words are always the best. It gives me the encouragement I need to keep going.

San, it is great my T has such a great intuition towards me. She really is such a help in this healing process.  I think I got lucky with her, and am thankful for it all the time. It is powerful to see them written out, I have never had that before.

The new job starts on the 18th, super excited!!!

Lots of love to you 💜💜💜

I will likely not be here a whole ton in the next week, I feel like I have already been a little less active in the last bit here. There are tons of positive changes coming but that takes so much work and energy, there are a billion things to process too. However, I don't always know how to put it to words, and my system honestly just needs to avoid being overwhelmed in the next ten days or so. Once I get through my first day with the new job everything should settl down, I just need to get there.

Maybe once I know for sure where I am moving I will feel less antsy, I know I have a backup but I would prefer not to use that and have to go through this twice. So fingers crossed we hear today. I need to know. I mean I have a week to move.

Anyways I can't wait to start this new job, having normal hours will be such a relief. I saythis as I am going into a set of 6 shifts and about 37 hours before 10am Monday... *sigh* I just feel antsy, emotional, and not prepared but I must keep pushing forward. I will find some peace eventually. This is just very turbulent. Like one of those time to get a new haircut kind of turbulent part of my life.

Thanks for letting me rant and ramble a bit. My anxiety has been trying to get the best of me lately so this is my attempt to let some of that out so I can ground and get past it. 

Sending you love and strength and luck on what's coming.   :hug:
You are strong. You are brave. You inspire me all the time
:bighug:

Nvm, just found out we got the apartment!!!  :cheer: :cheer:

Deepvlue, thank you for all the kind words! Always glad to know I am any sort of inspiration.   :hug:

So I find that things are going too well. It is a lot at once and stressful, but going very well. There is a lot of positive change: new car, new job, new apartment, got new my brother will graduate HS on Monday, my niece is doing perfectly... etc. Finances are tight but that isn't something that is going wrong persay.

There is part of me that is wondering when something will happen that will ruin some bit of this good. I am not used to things going well and not having something bad happen to accompany them. Probably just a piece of my Cptsd and being a survivor talking. I can't feel secure in all of this good, because it never stays good. I want to enjoy it all but I am having a difficult time doing that. I am not sure how to go about letting myself enjoy this feeling, but I want to try.  :Idunno:

that feeling of not being able to enjoy the good when it's there is pretty common, i think.  we haven't often had the chance to do so, some new chaotic drama has always swooped in to ruin our good time.  or, we become so uncomfortable with having so much good stuff around us that we sabotage it ourselves.

hopefully, el, you are recognizing some of this discomfort as a possible warning against self-sabotage.  may i suggest you just go slow with absorbing what's happening, and possibly little by little, you will be able to enjoy it.  i think so much of this is due to all the effort and hard work you've been doing to turn your life around, and suddenly, there it is - your life is turning around!

it's pretty amazing when it happens.  i'm feeling some of that right now as i've been feeling better physically, am closer with my daughter, will be moving soon to a place i'm going to feel at home with, and can actually feel happiness.  my life, too, has turned a corner for the better, but it couldn't have happened if i hadn't put in a lot of work for it to be so.

you so deserve this, sweetie.  so very much.  go easy on yourself, just be with the moment as much as possible, and i think enjoyment will follow.  the longer you keep helping yourself, the easier it will be, i believe, to be able to trust that this overall positive force you're now traveling within will stay with you, and that any hardships that come along in the future (which they will), will not devastate your life as had once been the case.

you're doing it, el.  i'm so happy for you, and you can be very proud of yourself.  you've invested in you, and you're seeing the dividends of that investment.  sending much love and the warmest of hugs.

San, your thoughtful response means the world to me. It makes me feel less alone in this tendency. Thankfully it does also mean I am recognizing it, and able to really try to move through it.

I definitely don't want to self-sabatoge, I have done so much work to get these good things. It is right to say that it is "suddenly there" which just feels like a lot. Everything all at once. So makes it hard to sit and process it slowly. 

You are such an inspiration my dear, it is great to hear all of that  :hug:

It is magical to see the words "you deserve it". It feels like i do this time. I have invested so much time and energy into myself.  I have given back too, but some really healthy healing and working has happened. It may just all finally be culminating in this giant shift.

you are beautiful!!!

San, that made me tear up and smile simultaneously this morning  :hug:I had a somewhat epiphany like experience on my drive home this morning, so had already cried some happy tears. Quite the morning. I realize was proud of myself, and that I know that I have worked so hard for this. I do deserve all of this light. I have worked tirelessly for over a year to get to this point, and it is just finally showing.

I have never had this because I went from one toxic place to another until I moved in by myself a year ago, and every challenge that could had happened in my life did. I have been in Trauma therapy for over a year and a half. All while working insane amounts of hours to just keep the bills and such going. That work (emotionally, physically, financially) has all come from me, and it is paying off. I deserve this good. It is gigantic to feel like I deserve it.

I have music back in a way I never expected, have a car, and new downtown apartment that will be the epitome of what life in the city can be for a 20 something year old. Have settled into being capable of my emotional processing as well, and even got a new job that seems to be able to support the need for that to happen. So here I am, sitting in this spot recognizing how much I have worked and all that is coming is something I deserve. I am capable and deserving.

Quote from: Elphanigh on June 10, 2018, 03:50:06 PM
I realize was proud of myself, and that I know that I have worked so hard for this. I do deserve all of this light. I have worked tirelessly for over a year to get to this point, and it is just finally showing.

I have never had this because I went from one toxic place to another until I moved in by myself a year ago, and every challenge that could had happened in my life did. I have been in Trauma therapy for over a year and a half. All while working insane amounts of hours to just keep the bills and such going. That work (emotionally, physically, financially) has all come from me, and it is paying off. I deserve this good. It is gigantic to feel like I deserve it.

So here I am, sitting in this spot recognizing how much I have worked and all that is coming is something I deserve. I am capable and deserving.

Elpha,
I was feeling a bit down today.  I just read your post, and I feel hope.  I've been working hard too.  Knowing that things are turning around for you is putting some wind back in my sails.  Thanks so much for that.
:hug: :hug: Deep Blue

Deep Blue, I promise there is always hope. There have been a lot of times this year I didn't feel like there was any hope (see lots of earlier posts), but lots of hard work does eventually get there. I know you will start to see things turn around too. I am glad me sharing has helped you today  :hug:

Quote from: Elphanigh on June 10, 2018, 03:50:06 PM
I have music back in a way I never expected, have a car, and new downtown apartment that will be the epitome of what life in the city can be for a 20 something year old. Have settled into being capable of my emotional processing as well, and even got a new job that seems to be able to support the need for that to happen. So here I am, sitting in this spot recognizing how much I have worked and all that is coming is something I deserve. I am capable and deserving.

This is so great to hear you feeling this way, Elpha - really happy that you have this.   :hug: to you, and hope you continue to enjoy these things, and you do indeed deserve them!
Hope  :)

I feel like I am making giant strides and have had several breakthroughs with healing things. A lot of hard work finally paying off,  culminating I these huge jumps.

It feels leagues different from anything I have ever felt. Like a while new world (excuse the disney reference). Feel hopeful and emergizing. I actually feel "better" and like I am capable of facing all of this. In its time of course, not going to go crazy and try to tackle everything right this moment lol.  However, the idea of doing that and going through it is  filled with hope not so much fear. I feel capable, and recognize I have never been in a better spot in my life to do this. I finally feel strong enough and deserving of it.

I didn't used to think I deserved to feel better, but I do deserve that. For once in my life I know that.

I wanted to celebrate this here, and out it somewhere I can read it when I need

Elpha  :hug: :hug:
That's awesome.  If anyone deserves it it's you.  Thanks for sharing with us.  It's nice that we can celebrate with you  :cheer:

Thank you Hope and Deep Blue for such kind words  :hug: It feels great to celebrate with everyone, this place and all of you have been instrumental in my ability to get here.

After I posted I went to an aerial yoga class, my second one and I felt so comfortable and at home in the silks. I even managed Buddha pose! I really want to tackle the inversion for that pose next time I am in (probably next week) It was a great energy boost and just furthered me really feeling this gigantic shift. Recognizing I can feel this way is amazing. (also for anyone wondering what buddha pose looks like I attached a picture, obviously no need to look at it)

After that I went on to go practice piano. I was out towards the studio anyways, so I jumped from yoga studio to music studio. It was freeing and fed my soul. I have completely managed to leave the stress of my jobs from this morning behind. This feels like such solid progress it is beautiful. I want to be able to ingrain this feeling into my body and emotions so I never forget how it feels. I know I have many more battles to win in my recovery journey but I feel like I have won some major ones lately, so there is a full on shift in my life happening right now. There will be more of that but I want to be able to remember when it is tough that this kind of feeling and progress is possible. Maybe then I will always have hope

Tomorrow is the day! I have everything arranged except for the final packing bits, but that is my evening project after work. I am excited for this new adventure!!!  :cheer: I am even more excited to be done with this move and to have started my new job, it is just exhausting and overwhelming. There is so much good, but I have noted a lot of moments of just sensory overload. This will be so good to have finished, tonight and tomorrow are crunch time but it will be done soon.

love you, sweetie, and so happy for you all the way around with everything.  hugs all over the place.

Update: I am moved in completely as is my roomate. I am exhausted and spent but it is good to be here. I am going to love this part of town. I can't wait for it to be unpacked but I have truly hit my limit physically and mentally. This process has meant very little sleep and crap tons of stress.

Will work to update more when I have energy, so for now off to the porch for me

Hugs, healing, and happiness to you in the new place!
:hug:

Thank you! I have managed to keep my symptoms to a dull roar so thinking this transition will be okay. The new place is fabulous and worth the craziness

oh, el, how wonderful for you!  yes, i relate to the craploads of stress around moving - am going thru it myself right now.  less than 2 weeks for me. 

i hope you can take some breaks and don't think you have to have everything perfectly done right away. 

glad you're thinking it was worth it and that this will be a good place for you.  i can so relate!   love and an ems hug to you.  look at you go!

You will be so happy to have moved once it is done. I really hope it goes very smoothly for you.  :hug:

I took a break last night, and am on break from work today. Trying to allow myself to let things look disheveled in exchange for some needed rest. It is hard to let it be though.

This place is amazing! Exposed brick, windows taller than I am, an open kitchen, and near some of my favorite places in the city. I am truly lucky to have found it

it sounds fabulous!!!  enjoy, enjoy.  i'm so very happy for you, honey.  glad you're finding a little time to rest at least. 

yeah, i can barely wait to get outta here!   love you to bits, big hug.

Thank you, San!!! I hope you enjoy your new space as well. I think it sounds like we are both in for a good dose of healthy changes right now.

 :cheer:
Sounds good Elpha!  I'm sending you a housewarming gift.  It's a bouquet of lilies and they smell beautiful. 
Much love to you
Deep Blue

Deep Blue, lillies are my favorite flower!!!! I even have a tattoo of them  :hug: Those are so perfect

For some reason that seemed like the right flower to send you...
You must have sent me a telepathic message  :bigwink:

I must have. That made my day. Deep Blue. Thank you

what a lovely gesture, deep blue.  very cool.

el, i believe you're right - it's time for us to get a great big dose of health and well-being.  balls o' fire, won't that feel just ducky!!!   so, with a nudge from deep blue to remember such niceties as house-warming gifts, i'm sending a selection of scented soaps.  your favorite smells (i don't know what they are - i like jasmine - o, wait, you just said, lilies!!!)  to wash away pieces of what was and leave you smelling lovely.

onward!   lots of love, tons of hugs.  always.

San, it will feel great. We are doing so much to move forward! Scented soaps are lovely, as is jasmine. Although my favorites for soaps are vanilla or lavender. Thank you so much dear  :hug: Moving forward with you my dear. Lots of love  :hug:

I survived my first week in my new job, I have also enjoyed my first week in the new apartment. Although it barely passes for functional as unpacking has taken a back seat as I worked through my training. They have a nickname for it but I realize I can't appropriately type it here. Either way the week was survived.

Tuesdays therapy session was huge. We did emdr on a really pivotal memory that unlocked a lot of anger and some grief as well. I have been slowly processing that through the week and it really fully struck me late last night into this afternoon. I know there is more to come but what pieces I have are already like a bit of a kick to the stomach. The kind where the air just gets knocked out of your lungs and it takes a while to feel like you can get any sort of breathe.

If you want the earlier, probably more angsty version of this it is in the FOO board. Although it pertains to most of my abusers it is more tied to my family at this point.


Anyways, I can't decide how to accept that my parents didn't save me. That there is every sign to point to the fact they knew something was happening, if not early on definitely before I ever turned thirteen. Then again especially after I turned thirteen. I went through so much and they could have stopped it. My mind has jut been circling the incidents where I know someone would have caught something, or any reasonable adult would have a time least paused to think a moment, then the moments where I know for sure one of them knew.

How do I accept that they knew? How do I accept that their denial and self centered ideas were more important than even asking me if something happened? My parents still claim the titles of caring, loving, compassionate parents. They did then too. How do I accept that everyone will see that but me?  Acceptance will not excuse their actions or short comings but it is important to have. I denied my parents ever having a role, and denied them ever having any ability to know something was going on. However that is something I can't deny anymore. It is entirely too obvious.

Honestly my t validating this really struck me. I was in my anger (small in terms of how others express anger but it is a big feeling for me)  and was mentioning how much they should have noticed, or how it was basically impossible they never did. Listing of reasons why I thought that at least on some level they knew. She spoke the words (at an appropriate time) "they knew, there is very little chance they didn't know" she went on to turn around my shoulds, into didn'ts to get me unstuck, as I was stuck in "my parents should have" land, where as my parents didn't is a strong less stuck feeling phrase. Having that validation hit. Like I have always wondered and known on some level, but hearing it from someone that I have trusted so much is huge.

I thought they loved me, matter of fact when I was 5 right after the small bits of my abuse really were going I wrote an essay about my mom being my superhero... I adored her, but she hadn't turned yet and my abuse was realatively new. At least the bits I knew of it. Goodness I didn't know how wrong I would be, I didn't know just how much pain she would cause me. I could have never predicted being at any point in my life and feeling pain because of things my mom would do or not do.

*trigger warning**

I have come to accept many things about my life (although I have a lot to go). I have come to accept that I will never know exactly how many people sexually abused me, and I will never have faces to go with all of them. I accept that I was rape and abused multiple times daily for six years by people that told me they loved me, people that I trusted. Through that I accept the emotional/psychological abuse was just as present and powerful as anything physical. I accept that I was used as a punching bag or as something to be thrown around. I accept that my abusers cared nothing for me even though they claimed to. They used me and knew that initially my heart was the way to make that happen. I accept that I have witnessed many things I can never unsee, and experienced things that can never be taken back, I have a view of the world that sadly far too many understand but one that I hope is ever truly understood to the extent of which I understand it.

But my parents, I can't find it in me to accept all of their shortcomings and all of the abusive sides they had. I am recognizing them for what they aren't but acceptance is not there. It is just painstaking at this point. Especially the idea that they knew. My parents knew and didn't think I was important enough to save. I wasn't worth the aftermath it would have caused.

I think this is hard because my parents were good on many levels, but all surface ones. They threw birthday parties, made Halloween costumes, attended concerts etc. they were externally the best parents. It was behind all of that that one started to see the damage that was occurring. For years I didn't see past it, even though I experienced it. I can call their crap for what it is in a lot of areas, but them knowing and doing nothing creates just a gut reaction. I can't quite name it. I need to accept this to move forward, to start to fully process this wound... but I don't know how.

Facts are there. I was abused very openly for a large portion of my life. In public places that had my parents even glanced out a window once in a while they would have seen. I had major shifts in habits when I was younger. I also started being afraid of my teacher when I was six. To the extent I would never ask to go to the bathroom because I was terrified, so I would wet myself. Or I would get such bad panics it would happen. I was previous a calm child, and never had an issue with bladder control. School was also my favorite place to be. I became quiet, more introvert, and wanted less to do with thing sthat I used to love doing. I basically jut hid inside myself. I was constantly covered in random bruises or scrapes that the stories barely made sense to, or I just didn't know where they came from.

Worse is that they caught one abuser because of something someone else's kid said, and they didn't read the signs in me for the other abuse going on. They had seen it happen once and were blind enough to ignore the signs for another four years or more. Even farther down the line, I wrote a massive letter to a teacher which then resulted in a trip to the conselors office... both of which are legally bound to tell my parents. Matte rof fact the teacher did say that it would happen. Nothing epwas ever mentioned to me by my parents. I know that letter covered the better part of five years of abuse, and said the words I don't feel safe at home. It was the biggest cry for help I ever gave. I wrote it with the hopes he would never say anything but that he would know that I was thankful for the safe space he provided. I didnt understand reporting laws then, but I reached out because it was killing me, I had to tell someone and I needed help. I didn't reach out again for many years, and it was not in a productive trust filled way when I did.p because the first one was so screwed up.

So they knew, at many different points, they knew something. I can't really deny that as a logical conclusion... but I struggle to believe and accept they would just let it happen. That nothing gave them pause enough to think to check or care enough to say something. How was I so unimportant to them?  How does one accept this? I can't even begin really.

I know this is miles long, I will stop here as I feel like I could otherwise jut ramble emotionally on here for ages, I just needed this to be in a safe environment. I can't process this all in my head until Tuesday

Oh dear Elphanigh.
This is.. I have no words that is powerful enough for how bad this is. I am terribly sorry you had to grow up in such conditions.
I just want you to know I've read your words, and that I'm thinking of you. I'll sit with you.

Sweet Elpha,
I am hugging little Elpha now  :hug:   One of the reasons I became a teacher is because teachers didn't notice what I was going through or step in when I needed it.

I made a silent promise to myself to do everything in my power to not let my kids fall through the cracks.  The system failed you so many times.  Your parents failed you.  I read what you wrote and my mama side wishes I could give you comfort IRL. 

It's is hard to accept.  I know that punched in the gut feeling... figuratively and literally.  Sending you love and support as you sort through this.
:hug: Deep Blue

dearest el, my sweet darling.  you have offered up more in this post than in any previous post, and i think that's a huge first step in all of this.  just the realization of what happened, what your folks didn't do to protect you, help you, or stop it from happening is huge in and of itself.  huge. 

acceptance may take a while, and you don't have to push yourself to get to that place.  this is so much to absorb right now, and that's enough for the moment.  every sign you gave was not acted on in a responsible manner to your detriment.  i'm so very sorry for all that you went thru because of that.

it sounds like you're getting to some of the meatier bits of your trauma.  sometimes the actual traumatic events lead to other realizations that have had an even bigger impact on our lives than we might otherwise realize.  but, you're realizing it now, seeing it whole and clear.  that's a lot for right now.

i hope you can take care of yourself as best you can while going thru this part, but please don't beat yourself up if you're messy, out of sorts, impatient with yourself.  this will eventually be a lot to grieve, but give it and yourself time, ok?  so wishing i could just embrace you while you go thru this.

this is the stuff of courage that is talked about.  it takes courage to walk into the snake pit of our trauma and all that goes with it.  time, patience, and strength will see you thru.  know that i'm with you, always.  ems enfolds you in her voluminous skirts for safety, warmth, and comfort.  you are so precious, my dear el.  love and gentle, warm hugs to you always.

Sceal, Deep Blue, and San yourwords have meant the world to me this morning. I went out to river market this morning to get some fresh groceries with my new roommate. It brought my spirits up to be outside and in one of my favorite spots in the city.

Sceal, it does feel that powerful. I was grasping at words last night and surprised I found them, it just kind of started pouring out I guess, I am honestly afraid to read back through because I know a lot came out in it. Thank you for sitting with me  :hug:

Deep Blue, it warms my heart to know you are a teacher. I worked with kids as a reading tutor in an inner city grade school when I was volunteering with americorp. It was something I made a point of as well. The system failed me time and time again, even into my teenage years which I didn't get into there. I never want to see that happen to a child if I can help it. That being said I don't teach anymore but try to stay involved where I can. It was honestly too much for me at the time. Thank you for wanting to give comfort, your mama bear part is warm and nurturing I can tell. It is greatly appreciated. Lots of love back  :hug:

San, your words always go right to my heart. Thank you for that. I did offer up so much of myself in this post. I didn't intend to but it was the right time for all of that to be said in the open. This is a giant realization that ties back to everything that happened to me, so a lot came out in one space. I also did not spend any time sensoring any of my emotions in that post. I normally try to mellow it out slightly, the opposite happened last night.

You always remind me to be kind to myself and patient through all of this. I want to push myself to that realm of acceptance so I can move on and heal etc... I am always grateful for your wisdom in this, because it reminds me to rest and understand that I am allowed time to absorb all of this.

We are starting to dive into meatier bits as I have done enough foundational work with other moments of trauma and emotional understanding/regulation that I am able to dig into all of this.

I will take care the best I can, and remember not to beat myself up. Patience is a thing I will be trying to learn. This will be a great deal to grieve when it hits that part of me. I do not look forward to the tears and pain that will bring, but it will be cleansing to cry those tears at that point. For now I am deep into feelings of betrayal, anger, and some confusion from my little ones. I would adore it if you could just embrace me, that would be such a safe space for me right now. I do love the internet version of it too though  :hug:

I had not yet recognized this as the stuff of courage, but it is. We just slowly eased our way into working on this stuff it didn't feel as if it was that stuff. I recognize now it is, and it is likely why I started to get a bit stuck in session.

Hey sweetie,
It's hard to see when you are in the heat of the battle... but I'm telling you that you are doing really well.  Keep being gentle with yourself and we are here if you need a little more support.  :grouphug: Your post showed clarity about some scary stuff.  Did you see pitch perfect 2?  It's way better than it should be...  your remind me of a song from the movie because you shine wisdom, clarity and bravery on dark subjects... you are a flashlight dear Elpha
Much love
:hug: Deep Blue

Thank you so much dear  :hug: It is hard to see sometimes, you have all reminded me how well I am going though. I had a good chat with a friend today that has reminded me how far I have come. I am truly healthy and happy for the first time in my life. This emotional processing is so important and is only happening because I am at a point in my life that it is safe to work on it. That being said it took a lot of reminders from all of you for me to see that. The extra support keeps me going through these battles.  :grouphug:

Yes I have seen Pitch Perfect 2, I love those movies more than I should lol. I am a musician so it really resonates, and gets my inner musical theater nerd jumping around. Being able to remind someone of that song I should huge. I can't fully express how that makes me feel. I am just trying my best with this stuff, constantly trying to understand and heal. So if that comes off as clarity and wisdom I am grateful. I have lived a lot of life in my 24 years, that often means insight past my years. I guess I am used to being a fighter, and recognizing that knowledge is power in a lot of ways.

I just hope I can be a light in the dark for someone one day. Instead of just shining through my own dark tunnels. I have lead a very difficult life but try not to let that completely define me

you are already a light for others, sweetie.  have been from day one.  it just keeps getting brighter and brighter, but will never be the kind that blinds.  rather, it will shed light for others to see what they also need to see, and help bring them out of their own darkness.

here's the big embracing hug we have available for you     :bighug:

i marvel at the strength and determination you have.  i don't see you allowing your past to define you at all.  rather, it enhances your innate wisdom and encourages you to forge ahead.  a pioneer spirit, braving new territory, problem-solving in creative ways, bringing newness to who you have been, are, and will be.

you're great!  love you muchly, always.

Sending this right back :bighug:

Thank you so much for all the kind words. One day I hope to truly believe all of that in my being. I do try to be the  light and am glad that does shine through.

I am also glad to hear that it doesn't seem as if my past defines me. Instead it informs some good things about me. Thank you for saying such kind things abouy my determination, spirit, etc. It is amazing to hear someone see all of that in me still

So I just need to share this...

Story time: So I was in the back side station at work with E, prepping for this party. This guy came walking back looking confused (this happens frequently so we assumed he needed to find the bathroom)He wanted us to let him out the back door, and he seems really manic about something. He is taller than both of us. Emma has the wherewithal to claim she is new and needs to ask someone and goes up front.

All the while I am trying to keep talking so this guy doesn’t just walk into the kitchen. So Br. (my kitchen manager) whips around the corner (thank you E) but doesn’t manage to stop this guy from going in the kitchen. He walks down the back end of our kitchen, takes one of our kitchen knives (giant food prep knife, sharp with like a nine inch blade) then walks out that door into the front side of our kitchen (where the girl and such is.

At this point I have started to go up fromnt to ensure that the front of you knows this is occurring and that my three male managers are trying to usher him out the dorm while we are waiting for security to get there. He manages to go into the big party room where my group was while I was talking to someone, and ends up moving right up behind me like just less than 6 inches between the two of us. He ended up out that back door, after that thankfully. As far as I know security and the police haven’t found him.


I am more okay than one would expect. I imagine it will hit me at one point, which is why I am sharing. I want to have tod this non emotionally so if it does become emotional or I have the state of shock or whatever wears off that I have a logical look at what happened.

 :bighug:

dang!!!!!!!!!!

:applause:

that's for keeping your wits about you in a crisis situation.  well done, el.

it may hit you later, but in the moment you acted rationally, sanely, and courageously.   love you to bits.

 :hug: :hug:

Thanks San! That hug is wonderful. I did stay very cool headed and acted the way I felt was correct. If that was rational and courageous, I am glad.

That was the beginning of my shift so nearly five hours ago. I may Get to skip the crappy stage of processing that. Had this guy actually wanted to hurt anyone it would have easily been me. That's knife would have very easily done the job. I am thankful that was not the goal here, not that I am sure what his goal was. Either way I want hopeful I can skip the crappy feeling stage here. Honestly don't want to feel it, with needing to go to work early tomorrow

Love you dear

Woah, intense! And so happy that you are safe, and that you feel it didn't affect you in the way you feared!  :hug:

Thanks, Sceal  :hug:

Honestly I woke up super anxious and have continued with that all day. I think it is more caused by my job honestly. I think I will get less ancious about it, but in training it is so much.

Wow, my heart raced for you while reading about what happened.  You are amazing. You are incredible.  You are strong.  So much love  :hug: :hug:

Those affirmations were very well timed, thank you. Just got home from work and am feeling the symptoms for a full panic attack starting to set in. So not feeling strong or incredible at this moment, I haven't had a full one occur in quite a chunk of time. I am hoping to keep this one at bay. I have therapy tomorrow and will hopefully just hold out all of this until then.

Honestly I am not sure if it is just from work, or if it is last night plus the big realizations sitting in all at once. I have a lot of homework to do for work and need to have my wits about me to do it.  :fallingbricks:

I'm so sorry. I haven't had a panic attack in a couple days, and that's good for me.
Sending you love and strength filled with understanding sweetie  :hug:

Thank you dear.  :hug: I have started to come down. I am worried that trying to get stuff done tonight will aggravate it, but I need to try. I used to have them daily, but have gone several weeks which is such major improvement. I really appreciate the strength and understanding  :hug:

I know that feeling... that feeling when you know one is coming. 

I wrote a poem about what mine feel like.  (Posted it on the forum too). Writing about them made me appreciate impermanence.  They suck... but they do pass. 

:hug: :hug: :hug: cuz I feel one coming tonight too. Hang in sweetie.

I will definitely go read that when I am in a better space. I am very curious. Hang in there as well, we will both get past these  :hug:

sending ems to embrace you, hold you, be with you since i can't.  know that i'm with you in spirit, always.  love and a warm, caring hug to you, sweetie.

San, you ahve absolutely no idea how well timed that was. I am going to sit in her hug as well as yours tonight. Little elpha really needs that nurturing presence, and adult me is struggling to give it.  :hug:love you dear

Yesterday's session was good but it has left me unsettled. A few hours into work, I finally feel like I can post about it a bit.

We were working on a memory that isn't super intense but is big for me. However, little elpha freaked out. The events on Sunday had seeped in to her and my session. It looks like adult me dissociated andbshe took on all of the emotions regarding the incident.

So need to nurture her while also trying to work 13 or 14 hours today.

Hey little Elpha,
I'm sending you some  :hug:  :hug:

When I hold my son, I put my arm around him, move the hair from his forehead and kiss him on it.  Sending you the same love sweetie  :hug:

Deep Blue,

That is such a sweet gesture for your son. I greatly appreciate you sending the same love to me. Little Elpha really loves when people do mess with her hair, and that gentle sounding affection is a comfort to her.  :hug: :hug:

 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:  to both of you.  i love giving little kisses to those i care about.  sending some along to both of you, along with lots of love.

 :grouphug: sending hugs to you both. Thank you for such compassion and warmth. I am always amazed

Found out one of my dogs passed away. I am not present to see that process through, because he lives states away with my foo. However, Jack was with me as long as I can remember. He was 18 years old and was a presence I went to during the worst parts of my childhood. I just cannot imagine him actually being gone...

Hasn't truly hit me, but goodness this adds a cap to the week  :fallingbricks:

So sorry to hear the passing of your pet. That can be incredible hard.  :hug:

 :hug: :bighug: I'm so sorry. At 18 years, he was with you almost your whole life. I can imagine what that means. Our dog meant so much to me growing up too.  :hug: :hug:

Thank you both  :grouphug:

Blueberry,  he basically had been there by entire life,  you are right. He does mean there world to me. I am glad you had that as well  :hug:

I'm so sorry to hear that. We love them as part of the family, and when they leave us it is like losing a family member. Sending you sympathy friend and  :hug: :hug: :hug: gentle ones

Deep blue, the gentle  :hug: :hug: are perfect. It is difficult to imagine him gone. This hurts little and adult me so much. One of the few wounds that really affects us both to the same kind of level.  :'(

It is hard to be at work and celebrate me graduating training. I move to my official team and have a warm welcome in today, but I can't celebrate it

sometimes some things are more important than celebrations.  take your time, be with your feelings.  i relate, as i had a dog who was my only source of stability thru some very bad times.  i relied on him just to be there, and he always was. 

holding you thru your sadness, sweet el.  love and a warm, caring, compassionate hug.

Thank you, that hug is exactly what I need. I am settling into my new spot at work, but don't feel any of that excitement. I am just grieving today

When my dog passed away a few years ago I was in class while working on my masters.  I had a 5k that I was running the next day and a friend was coming to run it with me.

I cried the whole way home from class.  Once I got home, I wrote a letter about all the great times we had together and about our last interaction.  It helped me to say goodbye in a healthy way to my dear friend.

My friend showed up to run the race and by then, I was cleansed.

Love you Elpha  :hug:

That sounds like a great way to get through that, Deep Blue :hug: I will have to try that!

I love your artwork.  Have you thought about doing a sketch or something in memory of your dog?  If you decide to, would you mind sharing it?  I think you are talented.  :hug:

That is a great idea, Deep Blue. I have never been very good at animal pieces but it sounds like something that may be healing to try. If I do one, I would definitely share.

Honestly I need to unpack my new apartment still so I can find my art supplies..

Hey sweetie,
I just wanted to check on you to see how your day went today? I know yesterday was tough so I just wanted to send you  :hug:

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

All the hugs to you, dear. Thank you for checking on  me it means the world. I have kept busy with things that make me happy today. I have needed both a lot. I still ache but I feel like I can handle the grief a bit more today.  There has been a lot of added weight to my life and it has just begun to get to me.

I will go through a rollercoaster for a while I think, but I will be okay. I have some faith now that I will be.

Been nursing a minor concussion tine late Thursday night so I haven't been here much. Mentally have been on the porch a lot to give myself a peaceful space to heal.

I feel like I can't do much processing right now as normal things take so much energy and cause my head a lot of pain.

But I do recognize some trauma responses that this concussion is causing as well. It is causing the over working response, being okay even if I am not to be safe.. then just some more panic modes because it is scary to be constantly blurry and in pain.

I am working through it but can't wait until it is better

I'm sorry to hear you have concussion on top of everything. I hope you feel better soon  :hug: :hug: I bet there's a pain-removal blanket on the Porch.

Thank you, Blueberry :big hug: I am sure there is a blanket there for that, I hadn't thought of it. I envision it as a light purple, grey, and white patterned blanket that is warm and huge so i can curl up into it while sitting peacefully on the porch

Hi Elpha,
Just sending you a hug too  :hug: and hoping that your concussion can be healed away by the lovely light purple, grey and white patterned blanket.  Wishing you peacefulness as you curl up into it on the Porch.
Hope  :)

Thank you so much, Hope  :hug: :hug:

dang, sweetie, a concussion?  o my goodness gracious, how terrible.  yep, i can totally see how that would exacerbate anything else that might interfere with what you're doing daily.  i'm so sorry you're in such distress.   that blanket sounds wonderful, and ems, of course, will be there to rock you gently so as not to bother your head, nor cause you to have to move unnecessarily.

sending much love, honey, and a gentle hug.  also some wildflowers - daisies are in bloom here now - in a lovely crystal vase next to you to help cheer you.  i always think of daisies as being cheery.  hope you do, too.  feel better soon, ok?

Hey Elpha,
I just wanted to send you a  :hug: and tell you that I like your new picture  :bigwink:

San, thankfully it is just a minor concussion. I have, including this one, had 7 concussion in my life time. I get them much easier now than I did because I have had so many. Sadly my kitten was the cause of it, she is in heat and I can't even sleep in my own room to recover... *sigh* I love her but cats in heat are more difficult than I knew, and she got it just in time to ruin the appointment for her I had..

Anyways minor concussion and I have had them so I know how to help them heal. It is harder because I am now an adult and have to hold myself to a high level of functioning than I did with any other concussion. Work is really painful at times but I have to do it. My eyes hate having to watch screens for that long, and my ears can't quite handle the multiple incoming noises right now. Kind of want to disappear at times  :disappear:

The blanket is wonderful, as is the remind of ems. I tend to forget her when I need her most. The gentle rocking is a wonderful image, hopefully it will bring some much needed sleep and peace. I feel like I am working so much harder just to do basic things so peace is hard to come by. I will stay in the comforting space tonight

The daises are beautiful  :hug: They make me think of cheer and joy as well. They are a very happy flower. Sending love and a gentle hug right back. I will feel better soon, I promise <3 Minor concussions take about two weeks to fully go away but every day gets a bit better, and I am fairly well functioning at only 5 days.



Deep Blue, sending a hug back  :hug: :hug: Glad you enjoy it, I got an instant sense of calm when I looked at it. I could help but share that in some way

i'm glad it's minor, but sad to hear that you've had so many of them in your life.  i had one, it lasted 2 mos., was most disconcerting as it interfered with being able to concentrate at work, and i kept forgetting things.  i'm just happy that it's beginning to go away already.  hopefully it won't take the entire 2 weeks.

similarly, i forget ems when i need her most as well.  you'd think it would be somewhat automatic by this point, but it really isn't.  i'm thinking of taking a walk this morning, and bringing her with me just to concentrate on what it means and how it feels.  i want to embrace her for a bit, wrap myself within such a spirit, feel it fully.  maybe it'll help this become a more natural thing for me.  i hope so.

keep healing, sweetie, and just do the best you can.  love you muchly, always, and sending a hug full of healing, peace, and clarity.

It is hard to have had so many in my life, but this one is thankfully dissipating quicker. I have had the 2 month long ones and they are awful. I am sorry you have experienced that. My focus at work is definitely suffering this week but I am improving everyday.

Ems would make a great walking companion. I hope that goes well today  :hug: I iight try that after work tonight, depending on how hot it is. My head doesn't handle the heat as well right now.

Will heal the best I can. I have been fighting off horrific nightmares the last two nights. Hoping they will pass and make it easier

Feeling the exhaustion a lot today... between concussion, nightmares, and a funeral today I am just wiped. My roomate and I are doing fast food for dinner tonight which is not our usual. I was just getting asked by coworkers if I had lost weight and was excited for it, but this is necessary or we won't truly cook...


Tw, violence


My nightmares have been violent again. One of them was a dystopian type where I was a child in essentially a war training camp. They held training that required us to kill others and survive for a certain amount of time. It was compelte chaos of tons of childern from like 5 to 12 ran around trying to survive and using whatever weapons were around. Think like houseold items and such because these occured on a ranch like thing with houses we could break into etc..  i woke after witnessing way too much and after having killed a kid with a small ice scrapper...

It was awful. I am not a violent person but the last round of dreams I had included killing people too... I don't get it  :fallingbricks:

i don't get it, either, sweetie, unless it's your brain rearranging itself from the concussion.  just sorry to hear you're experiencing these - they suck.

not surprised to hear that you're exhausted.  sounds like fast food fits the bill at this time.  you'll get back to your healthier routine eventually.  i'm going thru some of the same with this move - just eating what i can get my hands on.  it'll pass, of that i have no doubt.  hang tough, my dear, and i hope those nightmares leave you alone real soon.   love and more, always.

Sadly. I can't blame the violent nightmares fully on the concussion. I have honestly had ones that are more violent/horrific. The concussion might be causing them to occur but the content isn't new for me :/

We will both get back to healthier habits soon.  Will just take us some time as it seems life is rather turbulent for us both right now.

Love and healing energy your way

Hey Elpha,
It's my understanding (from a dream analysis perspective) that death dreams are a good thing.  They can be VERY scary for sure, but can represent the end of a behavior or way of thinking.  I had one recently that indicated, to me, that I had survived the urge to SH.  I killed the urge so to speak.

:hug: :hug: to you hoping that maybe there is some positive meaning behind the nightmares.

Much love
Deep Blue

Deep Blue, that insight truly helps. I hate being the one doing the killing in my dreams... it is hard for me to watch, especially when it is me in my like ten year old self. I will think on what you said, it is possible it is something like that as I am working so hard to change and discard so many old habits and such.

:hug: :hug: thank you for some light in all of this

I found this interpretation on an ice pick:
—————————————————-
Ice Pick
To see an ice pick in your dream represents suppression of your cold feelings.

——————————————————-

Hopefully this helps too  :hug:

It could help a good chunk. I do have some resentment kind of shadowing into the background.. it wasn't a literal ice pick but close enough to make this make sense. Thank you so much for taking the time to look this up for me :big hug:

wow, great interpretation, deep blue.  now that you mention it, i seem to remember something similar about death symbols.  it's about change - something has to die to make room for something newer and better.

el, the idea that you are the one doing the killing could be significant as a possible empowerment perspective.  you had so much happen to you as a youngster, this may be her way of taking back the power that was denied her at that time.  altho it's a horrible image to bear, what happened to you was even worse.  plus, going thru emdr, your mind could be doing some shifting between sessions. 

just some thoughts.  i'm just sorry you're having these nightmares.  they're so distressing as well as frightening.  hopefully, they don't repeat, or the time between becomes longer and longer so you don't have to go thru this as often, and  eventually they will end.

sending lots of love and hope for better nights' sleep wrapped in a big hug to you, sweetie.

San that reply could not have been better timed... I have been struggling so much today. I hit my limit and I hit it hard.. almost cried at work multiple times today and i am normally so capable of holding it all together... i need a minute to breathe I just don't know where that moment will come from..

I'm with you,
My son has been throwing up all evening and I feel exhausted.  A tired kid makes me feel tired too.   :hug: to you and strength to us both

Yesterday got really hard. I hit my limit and I hit it hard. Which meant after my last phone meeting at 8pm I broke. Felt everything that has been needed to be felt. The tears from these deaths, my pain of this concussion, some of the horror I feel from my nightmares and memories... then just the sheer exhaustion that has been edging its way into me for days. My tolerance is normally much higher, but with the new job adding stressors and finances being a problem I hit my level before I usually do.

Today is new though. I have encouraging voices and some new perspective. Just going to try to ride on top of those. Let them be something that holds me up in this moment.

ems is also with you, holding you up, being beside and within you.  that breakdown sounded inevitable, but i'm glad you got thru it.  lots of love, sweetie, and a warm, caring hug.

Sweet Elpha,
Your ability to step back and take a breath is amazing.  It's part of the strength I see in you.  Knowing your limits and when you are edging up on them is very positive. Much love to you and  :bighug:

San, I need to get something that reminds me of EMS to sit at work so I can see it all the time. It will help during these rougher times, and even just of tough days in the office. The break down was definitely inevitable but I was still hoping to avoid it. I just pushed my limits too far because I needed to function. Glad I am getting through it and starying over.

Deep blue, my dear I love all of the hugs :bighug: Thank you for seeing so kuch strength in me, it serves as a reminder to try to see the same things in myself. Sadly I knew my limit, was very obvious when I hit it, and I was stuck trying to push past it longer than I knew I should. But I am taking a step now and slowing down today to breathe.  It took me a long time to get to a point where I would recognize them and be able to slow down enough to do it.

Lots of love to you both. Thank you for being such great support to me

i think something tangible like that would be great for you.  i have a black rock in my bathroom i see as my grounding stone, and i see it every day, so am reminded daily.  but i, too, want to find something for ems cuz i think that will further help me in times i need that warm embrace and comforting enfolding.   am going for a walk in the forest in a while - maybe i'll find something there.  thanks for that reminder.   love and hugs always, sweetie.

I like San's idea about a rock.  I want to do that too.

I love that idea a lot. I have some healing stones but forget to put there where I can see them. Honestly I moved a month ago and have not fully unpacked... it has gone by so quickly. I need to find all of my grounding stuff.

That walk sounds lovely. I hope you found something for ems

i found a small pine cone on my walk for ems that will also go in my bathroom.  it seems to be the one place i 'see' things.  i've always loved pine cones, their shape and smell, so i think it will work well.  if not, i'll find something else, but the idea is now planted, and i'll see this thru.  great idea, el, and deep blue, i hope you find a suitable rock for yourself, too.  i'm loving this.

I love that you found a pine cone for it. If thay doesn't work I am certain you will find the right thing for ems  :hug:

My anxiety and cptsd symptoms have been going crazy for the last two week... I just got rid of my concussion headaches and am now stuck with a tension headache and nausea.

I have a session tomorrow with my T and really hope that it can help to ground me. I can finally do yoga again but having that stripped away from me was difficult. It is a main coping mechanism for me and I really suffered with a lack. I am hopfeul that with it back I can start to slowly even out. I can't do all of it but I am determined to work my way back.

Just need to get through today and part of tomorrow. I need this visit with my T more than I usually do... just feeling overwhelmed and disoriented all the time  :fallingbricks:

Hi Elpha,
I would like to wish you the best for your session with your T tomorrow - and I'm pleased to hear that your concussion headaches have gone, and hope that you'll get some relief from the tension headache and nausea - as that must be horrible.  You're sounding determined to work your way back out, and I'd like to wish you the best -  :hug:
Hope  :)

Hope, I really appreciate all the well wishes.  :hug: :hug:

sending love and hugs as you get your head together, so to speak.  that was supposed to be kinda funny, but if you didn't appreciate it as gentle humor, please ignore it.  i certainly don't mean to hurt you.  love you too much for that.

I did take it as slight humor, thank you for that my dear  :hug: Honestly not sure you could ever hurt me, as you have bever been anything but kind and genuine towards me. I have been extremely grateful to have you in my life for this past year and some months  :hug:

Love you bunches

 :hug: :hug: :hug: to you sweetie,
I want to say more, but I don't have words today.  Much love to you

Thank you for sending  :hug: :hug: I understand not having words

Sending you some warm thoughts. Hope for a speedy recovery!

I don't know how to describe my session today yet, but am forever grateful for my therapist who always has compassion and new insight to share.  Today was particularly powerful, we went over a lot of new things, and I feel like I got sooo much out into the open. There has been so much in the background of my life that I hadn't realized was causing me so much distress. I have given so much to process in the future and started to sit with some really big feelings and adjustments.


Either way, I have been fluctuating between fight and flight since I hit my head almost two weeks ago. Essentially going from way over functioning and way under functioning. Both sides of a trauma response just opposite. It explains so much about the way I have been struggling and feeling. She gave me some new ideas to help get myself out of that cycle. I feel like the emdr helped start that as we did some emdr on stuff that was coming up. I was proud of myself because I listened and didn't force what emotions I thought should be coming up to be what happened. I allowed myself to settle and recognize a sadness that was underlying the panic that I truly didn't expect to be there. Instead of ignoring it, I brought it up to my T. We dug into it and oh my goodness there is a whole land of things that my mind has swirling around in that layer. Things that are difficult but show progress made, and my t is good about pointing them out thank goodness. She is good st the positive light when I am struggling with it. More to come on those emotions but it is a big shift from the girl that blamed herself for the whole world, to a girl that realizes how she really had no control in the situation and has no control over s great deal of things right now. That I couldn't have stopped the tradgic parts of my life, and I can't stop the ones that are occurring now to me or people I love. There are some things I can change but I am seeing all the things I had no power to alter and that is extremely difficult to shift to.

I didn't realize I had made the shift, it just started coming out as I was talking and my t pointed out the change in language and view. This process is truly sour me finding my way with her nudges in the right direction and her added compassion. There was so much I spewed about wanting to be a lemon to change the things I witnessed.... that I tried so hard to make it better or to prevent bad things etc... and I truly had no way to fix them. That goodness I wish I could just change one thing, to be able to shape something.. and how frustrating it is that the bad things ever stopped happening. My t validated that and validated just how much I had witnessed and been through. That I deserved multiple decades of peace, whereas I had just wished for like two weeks.

We had an interesting talk about spirituality toward the end, it was something that had kind of come up before but not in any length. This was okay as I have been seeing her for over a year now. It felt like a natural discussion and useful for the therapeutic process/relationship. Lots to ponder there too.

That was more than I thought I would say but there is a lot of moving pieces and so much trauma to process at this moment. I need to rest though. Small chunks.

Will be going to sunrise yoga before work tomorrow. Need the sleep definitely

 :bighug:

love you, you courageous sweetheart you.   

:bighug: :hug: :bighug:

Lots of love to you to my dear. Thank you for reminding me of my own courage this morning. Yoga helped but it means the world to hear just a simple phrase.

In typical Elpha fashion, you have shown me the light again.

I've been depersonalized for about 2 days.  Your strength gives me strength. Thanks for all you are  :hug:

Deep Blue

Deep Blue, you have made my day. It amazes me I can be a light to anyone, and for it to be considered typical is beyond me  :hug: :hug: I feel like I am just sharing swirling thoughts in my mind as being open through recovery has been a major tool to me. I am forever grateful that it can help anyone else.

Sending strength and compassion your way  :hug:

i agree with deep blue.  it is typical of you to shine that light so others may see, even while (or because of) 'simply' sharing your own struggles, thoughts, and revelations.  your resolute determination to become free and clear of the horrible tethers to your past is a shining inspiration.  you just don't give up, and what you've done, how far you've come in even the past 6 mos. is astounding.

thank you for being you.  you give me hope for a better future, even at my age.  love you to bits, sweetie.

You have both made my day. Hearing things like that truly help keep me determined to do all of this. I am not sure what would be without all the kindness and guidance of people here. I am a fighter and resiliant to my own fault, but that onlt does so much. Without the kind voices and reassurance of what I am doing it wouldn't be happening at the same rapid rate. Community is truly a part of my healing more than I ever imagined it would me.

I am glad I can add any hope to people here by just being me. By sharing openly my journey with nothing really hidden. It is just me trying to make sense of all of these the best I know how, with the same passion and fire that got me to this point in life. I forget how far I have come because I see how far I need to go. I see what lies ahead more than I see what os behind and sometimes I need that perspective. Thank you for always giving that to me.

I am glad to be an inspirstion of hope for the future. Even when my own hope wavers.

Love you so much my dear friend

My cptsd feels debilitating today  :fallingbricks: I might have to leave my new job, and go back to one of my old ones for a time. I don't want to do that but this new one is causing my anxiety to spike so much. Having had a full fledged panic attack this morning that lasted multiple hours  because of the idea of going into my office, I have to contemplate its affect on my mental health. I am not making decisions now because doing so after a panic attack is not wise. Not exactly the most mentally clear that I will ever be.

I hate my anxiety that is attached to my Cptsd so much... it limits what I can do in a lot of ways. I haven't had this full fledged of a panic attack in multiple months, I hate that it comes back with such ease into my life. That I can still feel frozen, unsafe, like I can't breathe and like my heart is going to beat out of my chest.  While also having my whole body shake and feel nauseous... to feel frozen in that state and know what could help but either not be able to move or get it, or for it to not work effectively. I have the tools but it is not something that is always within my reach, especially when I wake up in this state. When it last multiple hours and I just have to try to ride it out or pray to get someone on the phone, which I did eventually manage.

I hate the fight, I keep looking for peace but managing to get myself into situations that make me have to fight like crazy to just get by.... trying to change my life and finding myself in the same cycle  :fallingbricks: :fallingbricks:

I haven't managed to decide leaving my covers is a good thing. I will be hiding for a while  :spooked:

Oh Elpha    :bighug: :bighug: I understand so much of that unfortunately, the cptsd feeling so debilitating and affecting work performance so badly. Wishing you enough time to make the best decision for you in this regard. :hug:

 :hug: :hug:

I think i know what I have to do but it is scary. My mental health is far too important. As I am still not fully okay after my panic attack this morning I can't be stuck in this cycle. I have fought to be functional and worked so hard on healing in the last year and a half that I can't let anything risk that. So I need to leave. I will find another job it will happen. I will find one where I don't have to exist in my anxiety all the time, and where I feel like I can be successful.

For the time being I have my old serving job to fall back on and make ends me. I will have the better part of a full check from this week and it will be okay.

I can't make myself miserable when there are other options. I have a hard time quitting anything but this is something I think i have to do.

Sounds self-caring and courageous. Both at once.  :hug:

I hope it is both  :hug: I just need to decide how to do this tomorrow. Will be a hard thing to do. Walk into the office just to quit and gather my things. That is not easy. Nor have I ever had to do that.

may i kindly and gently remind you that just 2 days ago you had a major session, lots of stuff coming up, realizations, and you've probably needed some time just to process all that.  could your panic attack be linked to that in some way?  or is it definitely only work-related.

i think you had a wise observation when you said that you needed to take your time with making a major decision.  i'm not trying to deter you from quitting if that's what you need to do.  not by any means.  only that your session has also got your brain/mind reeling, and it make take a few days for it to calm itself.

can you talk to your t about this?  see what she thinks?  if your anxiety is indeed due to your job, then of course i support your quitting.  always will i support your decisions.  i just want to be the voice of another perspective.  i don't know how badly triggering your new job was before your session. 

whatever you decide, i'm with you all the way.  sending love and a hug filled with calm and clarity.

San, you may always remind me of that and be the voice of a different perspective. It is something I will always welcome. I know you will only ever support things that are healthy and good for me.

My panic attack feels like it is related to both. Work was the tipping point for it. Then everytime I would have it start to calm down it got worse again when I thiught about having to go to the office.

Pre the session, the job was lesving me drained, frustrated, and anxious. I spent the end of last week coming home really questioning my decision and frustrated at my inability to be good at this. The job itself needs me to be agressive and assertive, I am neither of those things. So I  am trying to be something I am not in order ti do this job. It leaves me hoping people don't anseer their phones and just praying it isn't the next human I talk to that will yell at me for simply doing my job. It was frustrating and draining. I want to be good at it, I do. I just am not sure I can ever reconcile my personality with the demands of the job. It is kind of like everything that is anti Elpha essentially.

I had a meeting with one of my training mentors on Wednesday of last week (did not have a session that Tuesday) basically telling her I was always feeling incompetent and wanted to get hood at this but that I wasn't sure I was going to make it. She talked me down from that. So this is not the first time this has crossed my mind.

The panic attack being greatly infouenced by work makes me worry. I don't think it is going to be a healthy fit for me as much as I widhed it was. I am not meant for a sales job. I don't have a thick eniugh skin to constantly be selling myself snd only see rejection. And am not one to convince people into things they don't want to do especially since I really don't care if they do them.

I spoke with her some about it. Also ran it by some clear headed friends of mine. Just bouncing idea because I don't like to quit things but I also don't want to be miserable.

I promise this isn't something I will decide lightly. I do so because I do truly believe it is better for my mental health. I spent a lot of my time today getting clearer and speaking to people I trust on it.

That being said your post does help me see I may need to take a step back real quick.

Sending you love, support and clarity as you sort through this decision.  Oh, and luck 🍀 a little luck never hurts.
:hug:

A little bit luck is always good. Thank you Deep Blue  :hug:

i've had a sales position that sounds similar to what you're describing.  it didn't suit me at all, either, and i did quit.  i hated doing that kind of sales. 

so, i totally understand what you're saying and where you're coming from, and i don't blame you for questioning whether this is a good fit for you.  your explanation hit my nail on the head.  i get it.  i never regretted getting out of that. 

much love, sweetie, and a big hug.  i know you'll make the right decision for you. 

I am glad the explanation made sense. I have done a lot of thinking and talking it through. I did decide I am leaving it, my personality and place in life right now is just not suited to it. It is something I accept and recognize is truer to who I am and what i need right now.

I have a few job possibilities already and with it being busy season I picked up shifts at the restaurant for the end of next week. It will be good for what I need while I am finding something new.

Thank you for always being here for me. It means the world  :hug:

Elpha, you sound really clear on what's good for you and what isn't. I think it's really useful and beneficial to have that clarity and then go through with it even if and when people who aren't in your shoes might think something different. Like "just stick it out, it will work out" etc. Um, no, not necessarily. Been there, thought that, done that and eventually collapsed.

Blueberry, it is only because I have experienced similar things and stayed longer than I should have. It hurt me and took too long to bounce back. I have already started work on the job market this morning and have all the shifts I need next week. It will be okay.

Am finally learning to stick up for myself and listen to what my body and mind are telling me. Hoping it is correct but I can only do what I think is best in the moment

I meant that as validation and compliment, even if it maybe came across somewhat different.  ???
:hug: anyway.   

I took it as that too, even if I didn't respond that way.  I meant too just had other thoughts going. Thank you Blueberry  :hug:

good for you, sweetie.  gutsy move, but sounds like the right one.   blueberry's right about those messages - i've heard them too many times.   i'm glad you got the extra shifts to carry you thru till you find something else more fitting for you. 

you go, girl!  moving right along.  much love and hugs, el.

It is gutsy but it is what I felt in my gut to be correct, and I for the moment seem better off for it. I will still be financially okay, it is just a weird adjustment but it will be okay. I am now fighting a battle on the other end with my old apartment building, who the office agreed to one thing but their corporate is another story right now... *sigh* no breaks for this girl

i hear you on that as well.  we just went thru a b.s. situation with the property mgt. co. of this house.  this crapola just sucks.  you're right, if it isn't one thing, it's another.  *sigh*ing right beside you, sweetie.

I hope yours has been resolved. I went through this with the office directly before I moved out, so I should not be hearing from corporate. This was already sorted and now I have to find one piece of paper in among all of my boxes.. because he can't go get their copy and I don't have access to the messaging system that has proof of this because they limited my access to it...

Grrr....

Sorry little bit irritated to say the least.

no apology necessary.  here's a grrrr right along with yours.  i hate that kind of crapola!!!   good luck with it.  i hope yours gets resolved quickly, too.

ours was about the water, which tasted like a #2 pencil, and we asked that it be tested, or to show us a test from the last year that it was safe.  my d did all kinds of research, talked to the water plant, knocked herself out with getting info.  the mgt. place was short in their reply - we've had no problems from other tenants.   

as it turns out, from what we gather, it's the type of pipes that were used when the house was built.  it took us 2 weeks of running the water from the various taps, and using a pitcher with a filter, but now the water tastes ok.  just so frustrating.  we would eventually love to buy this house, so i don't want her to tick them off (she doesn't either), and are in the process of deciding if and how to respond to their lack of care and compassion. 

it'll get worked out in the end, i'm not worried.  it just gets frustrating.  good luck in finding your paper. 

Yuck... I am very glad the water tastes okay now. That sounds super frustrating, I do hope you get to buy the place one day.

The corporate of my old apartment wants to charge me more rent than was agreed upon on my move out paperwork. They are also saying I moved out three days later than I actually did which is a lie. I already fought this with the office and made them lower my rent that last month. I should not be fighting them again over the same issue. I have no idea where this paperwork is in m boxes or even if it made it with me, because the issue had been fixed and they have a copy of the messages and papers... but apparently this guy is not talking to the office. My goodness this is not the time for this.

Anyhow, I will fight him on it. I just need to spend part of my day searching. If not calling the office on Monday. My Littles hate when I have to be aggressive and fight for things. Honestly kind of triggering to them because it reminds them of my M.... I never want to be her. I know logically I am not, I am just standing up for myself... but my littles still struggle with it.

Well on that note, of to work for the night, I picked up a serving shift like a week ago and wish I hadn't :/

That's totally understandable that your littles would struggle with that.  Standing up for yourself is such hard territory for me too.  Rest assured we don't think you are like your M.  Please tell your littles I said so.   :grouphug:

Deep blue, I told them and it means the world to them  :hug: They just need the extra reassurance as I am having to do a lot of brave, more assertive things in order to honor myself this week.

Ugh! I'm sorry to hear you got to deal with this difficult person. I hope it solves out okay and that you get it sorted quickly!

dang, i hate this crapola that you're going thru, sweetie.  they're playing stupid games with your head, and all you can do is fight them on it.  i give you a lot of credit for that - i know it's tough, uses up a lot of time and energy, and is hard work.  i agree with deep blue that you will not become your mother.  you have more than enough awareness and determination to never let that happen.

much love always, my dear el, and a hug filled with all the energy  you need.

Thank you both  :hug: it is just taking a lot more of my mental energy than I would like for it to.

San, that is really reassuring to hear.  :hug: thank you for always believing in me

you're welcome.  it's easy to do.

Quote from: Elphanigh on July 21, 2018, 01:42:39 AM
I am having to do a lot of brave, more assertive things in order to honor myself this week.

Wishing you strength to do these things, Elpha.  Hope it's going ok.   :hug:
Hope  :)

It is, thank you.  :hug: I have a job interview that I am really excited about today

good luck with the job interview today, sweetie.  i hope it goes well, smoothly, and that you get it.  that would be so great.  i'll be there with you in spirit for support.   lots of love, big hug, always.

Standing with you Elpha,
Giving you silent support in your interview. Sending you calm vibes and luck on your interview.

Thank you both :hug: I am grateful to have you both with me as I go this afternoon. I have faith this will work out. Thankfully, I do trust my ability to interview well. It is a skill I am confident that I have, which takes a lot as I am not generally a self confident person.

I will be thinking of you both. You are there with calming encouragement  :hug:

It went well everyone!  :cheer: You were right there cheeeing me on.

Therapy was also huge today. I did what is called "the rage room". It is an imagery where you are in a room of your design and you can express anger in any form you need to withiut anyone seeing, knowing, or being hurt. It is a safe space to visualize getting all your anger out. Now this is done a minute at a time and then you pause and come back.

I feel like I could take on the world right now. Strong, powerful, and in control. Not in am agressive way, but in a peaceful, controlled, confident way. There was a literal physical shift in my body and demeanor in my session. Very noticeable. My T kept smiling at me, as she does when she knows I have had some huge realization or bug progress moment. Always note that I have shifted, that even my face looks different.

Anyways here's to protesting that Trump is in the city. Drinking white russians, eating tacos, and jumping a jenga block wall

 :hug: I'm happy for you on so many levels.

Quote from: Elphanigh on July 24, 2018, 11:13:49 PM
Therapy was also huge today. I did what is called "the rage room". It is an imagery where you are in a room of your design and you can express anger in any form you need to withiut anyone seeing, knowing, or being hurt. It is a safe space to visualize getting all your anger out. Now this is done a minute at a time and then you pause and come back.

I don't know that exercise. It sounds really powerful and useful. Mbrs on here are always wondering what to do with their anger, though I'd be cautious about anybody trying it out on their own without a T at least the first time. Well, at least you have a method now!   

"I feel like I could take on the world right now. Strong, powerful, and in control. Not in am agressive way, but in a peaceful, controlled, confident way. There was a literal physical shift in my body and demeanor in my session. Very noticeable. "

Wow. I'm so happy for you. Sounds huuuuge.  :waveline: :boogie:

 :cheer: Amazing! Cheering you on, Elpha!  Hold on to that strength!

it all sounds so great, sweetie.  i'm so happy for you.  that feeling of strength and power is absolutely the best.  so glad you're feeling it.  you so deserve it!

interesting concept, the rage room.  sounds like it did you a world of good.

and, forward!  lots of love and a big hug filled with continuation.  this is so cool!

I love all the encouragement, thank you all for being here  :hug:

Blueberry, I feel like it would be useful to people but as powerful as it felt for me I would be hesitant about people doing it without a T at first. Mine told me I can use it on my own now because I did realease so much of the initial anger and we know it is safe for me. But I do wish it was something's others could use.

San, it is an intriguing concept. I am trying to remember who my T said came up with the concept and did all the research. It is a well thought out process, just not sure who the credit goes to there. It definitely did me a world of good. Helped release a lot of physical feelings connect to me anger. It was wonderful

Very happy to hear that the rage-therapy helped you, and that you're feeling more powerful in your own right now. Its really wonderful to hear!
Hope that you'll carry that new strength with you. :)  :cheer:

Thanks , Sceal  :hug: I have been able to carry the strength with me. Even better has been my ability to remember was the lack of tension in my body felt like. I can recognize better when I am in my body and need to let it go some. It has been amazing to finally experience what it is like to not hold as much in my body.  That awareness has been long coming with my yoga, but to hav it in my trauma therapy as well is a game changer for me. Wraps them together for me.

Lots of progress being made.


Side note, I started my new job today. I start fully on Monday but got some training in today. Glad to have been started and see what a difference this should make from my last full time job. This office and job is mor up my alley and doesn't feel like it will put me into the space I was emotionally with the last one. Hopefully, this is s new chapter for me

New chapter sounds great to me!  :applause:

Thank you, I am truly hopeful for it. Now I am making plans to save up for my yoga training. It is what I am putting my mind to for the moment. I have been keeping up my daily practice (this makes such a large difference in my days) and am working on the money part of it. Hoping to be able to make plans with this new job. I am determined.

Anyways. I have had an interesting few days. Feeling just aware of everything, which has been a good change. I have had a lot of incoming stuff from my past but I have just been able to notice it and not get overwhelmed. I think this may mean I am ready to process some of the larger things. At least some layers of them. Therapy is on Wednesday this week, we will see what the first part of the week brings. I think tomorrow I will start a list of things that have been coming up so I have an idea what my subconscious is trying to look at.

Hey Elpha,
I just wanted to see how your concussion is feeling. I've had a couple and find them disorienting on so many different levels.   :hug: if it is ok

Congrats to you for finding the strength to process some larger things! I think some layers is a great place to start. I also think seeing how the early week goes seems wise. You are awesome.  :)

Deep Blue, it is so kind of you to check in! My concussion is doing so much better. I have moments of dizziness and some fogginess in my mind still but it isn't a constant anymore. My headaches have mostly stopped as well. Having been able 3 and a half weeks it is doing well.

I am so grateful for you. I hope you know that!  :hug:

congrats on getting started on your new job, sweetie.  i hope it goes much more smoothly for you than the other one.  so glad you're out of there.

a new chapter.  exciting, maybe a little scary, exhilarating, at times.  another adventure, but more positive than before.  that sounds great.  keep up the good work.  it's amazing to see you moving forward, gaining strength and confidence.  what a difference a year makes!  love and hugs, el, always.

San, I am glad to be out of there too. This new one feels more right but we will see what time brings. I am hopeful though.

The new chapter is exciting, and scary. It just feels like a major shift has happened in my life on so many different fronts. It is hard to ignore that it feels different and more positive for sure. It feels like this one will be very full of honoring myself and healing in ways I didn't need think were possible a year ago. Maybe that is too hopeful, but it is what it feels like I am headed towards.

It is crazy what a year will do for both of us. Thank you for always being here while I learn my way around all of this. Love you bunches  :hug:

Wishing you a good day in your new job!  :cheer:

Thank you, Sceal! I am hopeful it will go well

Hi Elpha,
Congratulations on your new job, and I hope it will go well for you.   :hug:
Hope  :)

I haven't updated in a long time, or so it feels like it. I haven't felt the need to post as much this week. I reallt found a peaceful feeling after therapy this week. I processed two of my most terrifying memories in one session. It was a huge deal as I chose to go there head on. I didn't dissociate or panic, instead I could process and then loosely describe them.

It is odd to be able to look at them both without panicking, and honestly having a feel of hope too. I get that because in session I had the positive beliefs that "It is over, We are safe, We survived" which are all true for once in my life. Me and my S have full happy lives at this point. We are growing and developing more than ever and we are both truly safe right now. So I have hope for the future and recognition for how far I have come in the last year and a half.

Having a hard time because of my kitten the last few days. I had to take her to the vet to get fixed as she is about that age. I was dreading it but know it is important. Just hate to see her hurt and know I had something to do with it.


My subconcious mind has come up with a string of nightmares surrounding Yuna, and it just leaves me uncentered. I know she is okay and that I am taking probably too good of care of her. But it just keeps getting worse and worse. The images are harder to look at and more anerve wracking to experience even in a dream.

It has set my whole system off. Hopefully my T will have some insight tomorrow but I needed to write somewhere. As it feels kind of like an ef, and I am just not sure where it is coming from

dearest el,

first, what wonderful news about your session, processing, and being able to get to another level with everything.  that's made my day.  i'm so glad for you.

second,i wonder if what's going on with your kitten has anything to do with that processing.  you mentioned 'we are safe', referred to your sis as having a good life now, and how great you feel about all that.   i do remember how often you talked about failing to keep your sis from being hurt when you were both young.

then, you mentioned that you hated your kitten to be hurt when you had something to do with it.  to me, it echos the times you said the nearly exact words about your sister.  your subconscious may be incorporating the hurt the your kitten is going thru with the hurt your sister went thru, and your involvement with both.

i've had several cats 'fixed', and they may have been uncomfy for awhile, but i never saw them in any real pain.  i do believe it's a good thing to do also.  it saves a lot of neg. stuff from happening going forward, both for the animal and for you.

anyway, i hope your nightmares end soon - those are never any fun.  i'm really so glad you're feeling better on the whole, tho.  that's the best news ever.  love always, ems and i are forever with you.   :bighug:  come here you beautiful shining you!   :bighug:

San,

I had kind of come to the same conclusion about it as I have been thinking and recognizing feelings. I think I am starting to recognize my own helpless ness in these situations, like I was around and have previously blamed myself for them. But at least with my sister I realize how little control I actually had. I was being victimized in those situations as well, just in a different sense.

Seeing yuna uncomfortable and just not herself is hard. It is true she doesn't look to be in any real pain. It is better for her and me in the long run. You're correct.


My brain is just drawing the emotional connections in ways I wish it wouldn't. It is a similar set of stressors on a much different scale that are causing nightmares like ones I used to have about my sis, only now occuring around my cat. Similar coloring and lighting to those old dreams, and same hurt eyes with cries of pain.

Lots to bring to my T tomorrow it seems.

For now my older cat decided to scratch my roomates cat across the face and draw blood. They are a different form of unhappy. I came home to this after yoga in the park (probably the first real breath I have had since Tuesday, which was then immediately ruined.

I can't do anything for any of them until i have my sense of calm again. Time for the porch. Think I will curl up in earth mother spirit's arms and rest. Let her take the stress and fear away for a bit

good idea.  hopefully, these realizations will process quickly for you and finally be gone. 

it's so good to hear that you've been able to come away from that 'taking the blame' thing that has hung around your neck for so long.  i love it when therapy works the way it's supposed to.  well done, sweetie, on diving in and tackling those memories.  very courageous.  you are a shining light, and continue to get brighter.  ems is with you, and so am i.  i'll sit with you on the porch, just to be together.  love you, my darlilng el.

I hope they do. I have been kind of confronting the helplessness feelings, and lack of control for two or three sessions now, it is just more head on here I think. I am in for some difficult processing but I am glad it is happening. Not carrying the weight of the world on my shoulder is a great feeling, but comes with needing to recognize how little control I have in a lot of ways which is a challenge in itself.

Thank you for sitting with me, being together is calming and reassuring on this journey. It feels like it has been a really long few days  :hug:

 :bighug:

 :hug: :bighug:

Thank you. I am feeling much more controlled, just exhausted. Having recognized the ef, I could work to come down from it

very glad for you, el.  exhausted - yeah, you have a right to be that.  you've been working so very hard on a lot of levels lately.  keep taking care of you, ok?  love you muchly, always by your side.  hughughug

San, can I just stay in those hugs this morning? I feel like curling up and hiding away today, but have to be present at my rather demanding office this morning. I needed a calm day and this happens to be the most stressful busy day I have seen in my few weeks here. *sigh* just trying to stay afloat  :fallingbricks:

Today I am so much stronger and much more myself  :cheer:

I hate needing help sometimes, but I am continually grateful to have the support of many including my T. I got lucky to find exactly the one I needed for this part of my journey. She and I did a lot of body/boundary exercises to help get me unfrozen. It left me energized and focused. She is always so enthusiatic and comfortable doing them with me because I am often too shy to do them alone. Ended up even doing on where she held a giant pillow and I practiced pushing her away. Was good for adult me and my inner childern to do so much physical boundary building. A lot of new ways to get unstuck and practice all the skills I am learning.

She also validated my progress by inviting me to stary with her experiential group in September. I am excited and nervous to try this. We talked about it about a year ago and said when I was ready it would be something good for me, and we both have faith that I am at a place where I can handle it and heal from it. That shows such faith in my progress from her and me, even on my worst day.  She is also such a kind person because she told me that until I am on my feet she doesn't want me to pay for group, that she thinks it would be good for me and that is what is important to her. Not the finances. That when I am on my feet we can talk about it but at least the first three month session to not pay her, she just wants me to have the added healing.

I am not sure which univerae she is from but I am glad she is. I found a human that is kind and only cares for my well being, not for what I can do for her.

So much love to you sweetie
I'm glad you have someone who is there for you in that way  :hug:

Thank you my dear  :hug: I really appreciate it

Elph, it's beautiful to read of these occasions of working some things through with the full support of your t. The September program sounds really appealing; it's not always easy to apply any of this experientially and, most important, in a safe place.  :hug:

wow, and more wow.  how cool of a t do you have!  i'm so happy for you, el.

i've done experiential groups, and they've been really beneficial, eye-opening, and powerful.  i've loved all of them.  i'm glad you waited till you're ready - i hope you enjoy what you learn from them.  that pillow-pushing exercise sounded wonderful.  keep up the good work, sweetie.  you're doing so great.  and, yes, of course, you can stay in those hugs, or ems embrace, anytime you need to.  they're also free, and you don't have to share them.  much love always.

 Woodsgnome, I am really grateful to have that support  :hug: she has helped make a huge difference in my journey for sure.

San, she is super cool and I am not sure she fully realizes it tbh. Just a healer at nature is what I gather her to be so she goes out of her way to learn any method she can of helping people with trauma.
It is good to hear those groups have been beneficial to you. I have hope for this one for me, we will see. I think I am ready but there is always that chance I am jumping in too early, so I am a bit nervous to do it. I know it will be a huge test of my ability to trust in others. Mainly my trust in people to accept my past as what it is and not question it. The first few months won't be a giant test as we are starting at birth and working the way up, so as we get through the early stages that will be less of a challenge, so hopefully I will work into it.

The pillow pushing stuff was brilliant. It took me a second to do it as I worry about hurting people but I have come a long way to believing that office is a safe space for those things.

I will stay in that hug this morning too. Not enough sleep last night at all, and I am just feeling the anxiety from my nightmares. My little ones are unsettled today but not at a bad level, just something I can notice and work with. Honestly I love to share, but the realization I don't have to share the hugs is a huge comfort for me. Nice not to have to share everything all the time. Thank you my dear for phrasing it that way  :hug:

Hi Elpha,
Just wanted to pop by and say 'hello' and say that I'm happy that you have a good t and that it's going well. 
Hope  :)

Thanks Hope!  :hug:


Haven't posted in a bit. This is going to be a bit of an odd post as I just have a lot of realizations I want to put down.

-It has been a year since I started this chapter of my life... with the job that screwed me financially and put me in my current hole. Then with the break up with my last ex. Man it has been a crazy twelve months since those both happened. I struggled with suicidal thoughts, and depression but came out of it. Just to be struggling financially for the better part of a year, and still now if I am honest.

-that ex did more damage than I would like to admit. I still have the affects from that relationship in me, not all of them, but it still affects my being. Goodness it struck me deep

-I have food in my apartment. More food than I have had access to in over a year. I know it is because my roomate qualifies fir food assistance but goodness it feels good to be able to eat when hungry.

-I dont play often, not in the sense that we mean it in recovery. Sure I do some fun things and allow myself to play video games etc, but I don't truly Play. I did last night. Went on a walk in the rainstorm, barefoot snd just soaking jt in. I allowed myself to just enjoy and be. That kind of play in puddles and feel the running water on my toes. My inner child and adult self needed that so much.


-my roommate, where she is one of my best friends, is triggering fir me lately. Her health issues have spiked and it is similar to my M when I was younger. I recognizw she isn't my M and that she doesn't expect of me what my M did but it is hard to go through and similar things. I need to work on this

-my yoga training may need to wait. I want to be financially stable when I do it and that won't happen by January. If it does taking thay class would take that away again.


There is more but these will come slowly today. I have my session tonight which will be great. Not sure where to focus my energy yet

 :bighug:

love you my dearest el.

Love you too San  :hug: Always brightens my day to hear from you

I haven't been posting much lately, but I wanted to pop in and say that I'm still always reading your posts.  I have so much love for you and think you are doing a good job taking stock of what's around you.

It's good that you realize that your roomie is triggering and why.  That why will hopefully help your feelings sort it out a bit,

Take good care always
Deep Blue

Deep blue, I am glad to hear from you. I hope all is well. Thank you for keeping up with my post and chiming in with encouraging words! I can always use those  :hug:

Starting an even newer limb of emdr next week. We laid ground work and discussed it heavily in session today. I am always glad that we chat and she explains the intellectual bits to me because she has figured out that's how my brain needs to first conceptulize things to make decisions. I am excited for the new adventure and have been drawing connects in my brain all night. I love it, and it is a great sign this new bit of healing really resonates with what I need.

I also got some added validation today, think I needed the boost today just as reassurance I am choosing the right time to make this journey. It often looks from the outside like I am sitting very still at the moment, because I am not moving cities or striving after some very visible goal or degree etc. I am choosing to focus on healing and becoming the best version of myself. That means a lot of energy is being sent inward, and that I haven't made decisions for careers and things. I recognize now that I don't have to. I am doing thing in my own rhythm and I am lucky to be at a stage where I can heal so early.

My T told me today she forgets I am only 24, not because I look older (actually look younger *sigh*) but because of how much work I have done and put in. That She was so in awe and excited to know I would have the rest of my life in this better place because all the work I have done. It was a really sweet moment, can tell she has come to care for me and have hope in me more than I realized previously.

She used to tell me similar things when I first started with her, because I did put in a lot of work even by myself as a teenager when I could see the damage and read books about PTSD and abuse. I drew lines and connections all over the place even when I was still being actively abused in an environment that would have preferred that I didn't find those connections. I just needed someone to fill in blanks, and help build the foundation with all the crap I had learned and observed. I got really lucky, but also made such a conscious decision to be doing this. I searched for someone that would fit and be those missing pieces. I amchoosing to pause and put some other thing straight on hold so when I go forward it will be from a place of authenticity that I know is fully me. It won't be the voices of my past both far and recent.

I spent the first twenty, really 22 years of my life in some form of abuse (minor into the later ones) and I am sitting here truly feeling like I am out of that. I can say I haven't had anyone abusive in my life in a year. That I haven't allowed it, and never will again. I have worked so hard to get to a point where that was my truth and it is. I got dealt some really awful cards in life, but I have hope for some better ones now. I am for once proud of myself for pausing and taking the time in my life to do this, for not getting stuck on the doctorate track and ignoring my own well being in the process.

I am more writing this for the days I don't feel that way. For the days I wish to not be sitting still and learning about emotions and spending time in my own head rooting through traumas and how they affect me now. I don't always like sittings still watching my peers shake and move, but at the moment I recognize it's value. I see the giant movement inside that not a lot of people get to see.

Anyways, thank you for letting me share and being such an instrumental part of all of this in the last year. Not sure where I would have been without people here many times.. can't imagine it any other way.