Out of the Storm

Today after therapy I realised I've moved onto a new stage of healing, like it or not. Today was the last regular appointment. As of 'tomorrow' the insurance will pay therapy maximum 3 times a quarter. My T says he can't guarantee he can always give me an appointment that often. Might be twice a quarter instead. I felt briefly annoyed and a little let down. Only to realise that T has his reasons like no longer working full-time and having to fit newer clients in who can and will come every week.

In this new and more advanced (!) stage, I will be taking more responsibility for myself. That includes looking at what is beneficial and constructive for me. e.g. what can I do now to benefit myself in reaching various goals and in continuing to heal? What can I do that's constructive? There are different answers at different times, in different moods and depending on when i'm feeling fairly normal or stuck in an EF. 

Feeling the pain of the past or the present, connecting FOO treatment of me to the way i treat myself these days is beneficial to me. I still need that answer to "Why is it soo difficult for me to do xyz?" But then it will also be beneficial to move on, to do mindful self-soothing activities. These involve the 5 senses.

Then it will be beneficial to do constructive activities that really help me move on. What these are will also vary, depending on whether i'm still stuck in an EF or already beginning to move out of it. There are some activities that are almost always beneficial and constructive to moving on: washing the dishes is one; conversing with my pets while I still had them was another. OK, good realisation. Keep in mind. But don't rush off to adopt more little furry creatures right now. Another one from spring to fall is going down into the garden and seeing what's growing. Smelling a nice scent. Moving my body, even if just stepping on the spot. I know it's good to go ahead and do one of these. If it doesn't work, try another. Don't give up.

Allow myself less beneficial activities e.g. playing Patience sometimes, but know that it's not such a mindful beneficial activity as say colouring (because the senses and creativity are not much involved). However, remember that blanket bans bring out a relatively young IC who is practised at self-destructive activities in the face of blanket bans from on high. 

This is my new Journal to reflect this new stage.

Beneficial and constructive: what's a beneficial and constructive way for me to talk to myself? Words are important since they can be so triggering for me. "Beneficial" and "constructive" are non-triggering words for me. Beneficial / constructive way to talk to myself is to be encouraging! Not to harangue and belittle and shame myself, or mock myself. Not "you are wasting time as usual, can't you do something constructive with your time??!?" No. More along the lines of
          "Good job! Writing this out has been helpful, a few new realisations while writing even. But, you know too long on the computer isn't very good for you. Not enough creativity, not enough of your senses are involved, not enough healing energy comes out of the computer, even if it comes out of this forum. How about ending your healing journal here for the moment and seeing what real constructive things you can do? Even just drinking a glass of water or making tea would be beneficial right now."  :cheer:

Knowing that the more I practise that kind of talk with myself, the better I'll get at doing it, the more automatically it will just come, until it no longer has to be a whole paragraph written out.  :)

Moderating? Nah. Don't seem to be many new posts atm anyway. Can do that later. Self comes first. Switch off computer, go and have a drink and then think of further beneficial activities for today.  :thumbup:

I think your new Journal of 'what's beneficial and constructive' is incredibly 'constructive' and I just wanted to wish you well with it.  I will be reading it for ideas too - because I need to bring more benefit and constructiveness to my own life.  I discovered I like doing 'dot-to-dots' over Christmas, and it seemed to engage a different part of my brain, and I liked the feeling.  I will be getting some more of those!  Even as I write that, part of me says 'But how constructive is that?' - but I would argue, 'Very' as it engages a part of my brain that is enabling me to feel calmer and more grounded somehow.  I like that. 

:hug: to you Blueberry, and hope you don't mind my adding those reflections in your Journal today. 
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :hug: No, I don't mind your reflections in my Journal. I've written some in yours too. We're even  ;)

I like doing dot-to-dots too! Calming and grounding is beneficial. I read recently (in something of Kizzie's ? maybe here http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=62.15 ) self-soothing is always good to do and practise when you're doing well, because when you're in an EF, it's really hard to motivate yourself to do it, possibly also because you're having to work against Inner Critic who's ranting about uselessness. And I remembered that the two times that I've been really badly retraumatised one of my saving graces was that some of the self-soothing methods I'd been practising for years 'kicked in' pretty automatically and I was able to do them. These automatic responses only came because I had practised them so much. I was even saying them out loud to myself. "Move your feet, look at the plants, feel the leaves..." Not to mention: phone friends who understand and can support in a crisis.

 Yes, great idea!

Quote from: Blueberry on January 09, 2018, 01:01:43 PM
Switch off computer, go and have a drink and then think of further beneficial activities for today. 

I did that, at least, and right away too!  :cheer:

I do notice that keeping on going with beneficial activities is difficult. I've been unconsciously practising non-beneficial ones for so long that my impulse to do them is pretty strong. Non-beneficial doesn't necessarily mean destructive. I often allowed myself to do things that weren't particularly beneficial because they were and are better than destructive. Sitting reading is certainly better than sitting self-harming or sitting getting really angry at somebody in my head, but reading is often not very constructive or beneficial to me.

Years back I had a lot of therapy including inpatient that involved fasting. Not from food exactly but from bad habits and from all addictive/compulsive and even anorexic behaviour. (Anorexic can apply to relationships with people, not just with food. Some people even apply it to work. Basically, flight and avoidance.) Thinking about fasting will help me reduce non-beneficial behaviour. I can't fast completely from my computer and Internet because I need them for OOTS and for my professional work, and even for contact with friends, but with reducing in mind I can certainly fast from particular websites (like news). It will also help me think about what all I might like to do with the time left over. What beneficial, constructive activities are there out there for me at this stage of healing? The more I practise these beneficial things, the more deeply entrenched their pathways become in my brain.

Fasting in this way doesn't need to be for ever. Should be a couple of weeks at least to have an effect. It's a chance to explore. While writing that, something T recommends cropped up: it's good for me to view things I'm trying out with a detached, curious and particularly a well-meaning and kindly manner. I notice a change in my body posture and in body tension when I write that. I sit up straighter but at the same time feel more relaxed. 

I like that concept, fasting from non-beneficial habits!
It sounds like it is a way to take a step back and ask a question like "Is this activity giving me something positive in return? If not, what could I do instead that would promote health, growth and progress right now?"
I am trying to look into that kind of behaviour too, so reading your perspective on this is very helpful!

I hope you find something that is nurturing to you.

Hmm. . . Blueberry, constructive ideas is great. Even in areas like healthcare or education, people have a tendency to fix weaknesses rather than emphasize the good. It reminds me of a story of how policemen in one area taught of not just doing things like placing speeding tickets on cars, but giving people little rewards like tickets to a movie for doing something good -like the ol' classic help a stranger carry their grocery bags or people returning lost money.

Well take care, Blueberry.  :hug:

Instead I was eating not very healthily today... When I was on another website earlier, I thought "this is not beneficial" so I allowed myself to come here briefly. Not to moderate, just to write a bit for myself and maybe read a few posts. I do note from time to time during the day that I pause briefly to consider whether something is beneficial or constructive for me.

In my case, all changes which will last take a while to implement. If I rush in headlong and make changes, they won't last, especially if it's somehow too early. Often I don't know why it's too early, it just is.

Today it was beneficial to go up to the farm in the morning. It got me going out of the house fairly early, whereas I tend to have difficulty getting going early. Like on Thursday, I could have met with a group of women I know for brunch, but I just didn't get out of bed. In my head, there are reasons why that group is beneficial for me, but my body is telling me otherwise by staying in bed. A few months ago I missed a few of those brunches too because I just couldn't be bothered to go out of the house and get myself there. This week it was really close by; far, far, far closer than the farm. I got to the farm, but not to brunch. That tells me a good deal.

It's a good sign. I want to be more active now, I want to work as well. I also want to make a difference, even if that is in small ways, so I prefer to meet up with people who are 'making a difference', active in changing a little bit in the town. I do my little bit, even if I just go along and maybe make a suggestion or research one small thing. That, rather than getting together purely to chat.

Quote from: Blueberry on January 12, 2018, 10:22:33 PM

It's a good sign. I want to be more active now, I want to work as well. I also want to make a difference, even if that is in small ways, so I prefer to meet up with people who are 'making a difference', active in changing a little bit in the town. I do my little bit, even if I just go along and maybe make a suggestion or research one small thing. That, rather than getting together purely to chat.

:cheer:  This sounds really good, Blueberry.    I feel that 'you' make a difference - I just wanted to say that.   :)
You've made a difference to me.   :)
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope! You and many others on here make a difference too! But apart from OOTS, I tend more to meet up with groups who are actively involved with something rather than just chit-chat, especially regular chit-chat because after a while what's left to say apart from churning away about what's bothering you? If people stick to 'I feel' statements, that would be one thing, but if they get off on their hobby horses regularly with "oh, that terrible group of xyz-ists who do xyz and isn't it dangerous and especially inconvenient for us?!!" and I'm a xyz-ist, and they know that, it's hard sometimes, or just annoying. They don't want to listen to the counter-arguments and I'm not too good at sitting there listening to what I see as partial hogwash  :whistling: because I do know more about the issue, I think. It's not just my opinions, I read up on the issue.

So I think it's better to take a break from that group of people or at least make sure I'm not there too often. They're nice people, they mean well, they're friendly, they're helpful, but when it comes to xyz, they really could do with looking up the local and even national regulations before getting too critical of the local xyz-ists.  ;)

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Beneficial and constructive: I'm feeling better today, more active, better able to do things instead of having to push myself to keep going. I've done a load of laundry and hung it up, a second load in the machine, I've washed the dishes, had my breakfast including tea, and more to drink since then, took my medecines, I also had a client here and did some prep work before and afterwards, went to the library to read the newspaper for a while, took the different garbages out. That's quite good for me for a day. There are other days when I might accomplish more time-wise e.g. do more work, but self-care is really lacking so I don't drink enough or don't take my meds.

But because I'm feeling more active, I caught myself thinking now's the time to write one of those FOO letters to send. Then I stopped myself thinking further along those lines. Because I asked myself whether I couldn't do something beneficial purely for me? I'm obviously just a day out of an EF. Not the best plan to do something which is likely to throw me back into an EF of multiple flavours, so that I'd be dealing with 4 or 5 different topics from the past, possibly different ICs, and EFs of different time spans, i.e. it would take a different amount of time to get out of each one. Don't do this to yourself right now, I say to myself!

Put myself ahead of FOO!  :yes:        There are quite a few tasks in my life that desperately need to be done, including the overdue tax return, but also just continuing to tidy and  clear up in my apartment and sort out papers to discard. Tidying and sorting out papers is something I cannot do in an EF, particularly in the type of EF which tends to be long-drawn out and not very noticeable. So it's obvious: me and my life need priority so that these types of jobs get done, soon. My little godson is coming to visit for an afternoon next week and it would be good to have some of those piles removed by then. It's good he's coming, gives me more incentive.

Hey Blue. I'm glad you're taking more time for yourself. I've been seeing you improve a lot these days. Keep up the good work, and take it easy on yourself when you can't.

Sometimes the seemingly simple task of just being aware of when something might go wrong does wonders. These little things can grow into bigger things after all.

:hug:

Thank you DR for seeing and commenting on my improvements! You're right - thanks for pointing out - just being aware of when something might go wrong is beneficial, very!  :)

blueberry, i love your new attitude about beneficial and constructive.  i've picked that up just a while ago, asking the question 'will this benefit my life'.  same type of thing, and it's really been wonderful

it's also helped me with my tendency to 'waffle' about 'is this right or wrong, a good thing or a bad thing, acceptable or not' especially when it comes to the actions of others.  i'm finding i have a lot less tolerance and make less excuses for the abysmal behavior of others.  don't have time or energy for that anymore.  i've done it for so long, but it's kind of like a breath of fresh air now.

keep on keepin' on, sweetie.  i think you've gotten on a really positive track with this.  big warm, loving hug.

Thank you san! I'm glad you've discovered something similar for you and that the result is 'wonderful'  :hug:  :hug:

New idea for me to apply beneficial/constructive to the behaviour of others. That might help me not to engage when a) somebody else seems to want me to or b) I'm feeling argumentative and have gone into fight mode. As I posted elsewhere, it's hard for me. I tend to jump to attention and answer someone else's comment on my behaviour. ah yes, I wrote about that on our lifeboat thread so that doesn't exist on here in any form.

brilliant.  it seems only natural, when i think about it, to turn that to others as well.  why not?  their behaviors and actions are also either beneficial and constructive, or not, and we've had plenty of the 'not' in our lives to last a lifetime.  you go, girl!  love and a warm hug.

Roaming around on here for hours, well an hour and a half. Beneficial or constructive for me? No. Log out.

Just popped by to say 'Hi' Blueberry - hope you're doing ok.   :hug: to you. 
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :hug: I'm feeling fairly low today. Don't even know why. I've done a few things on today's list but can't seem to get moving on the rest. So that's why I was roaming around on here earlier.

loving hug filled with care and comfort to you, blueberry.  i hate these low times myself, but come they do in spite of everything.  this, too, shall pass.  hang tough, sweetie. 

It has passed already. Choir practice this evening did the trick.  :) Singing is usually very beneficial for me.

Tomorrow I'm going up to the farm for half a day. Also beneficial. Keeps me moving, because on a farm there's a certain rhythm to life, with the animals and other jobs that need being done.

Happy to hear that choir practice made you feel better! I hope you have a wonderful time at the farm.

From Recovery Journal: what's beneficial for me: Jan. 30th:
Reminder to self: Things may appear to not be constructive, but are actually. I was playing Patience today, which I consider a kind of a waste of time, but I was allowing myself to do it anyway. Then things started slotting into place. This has happened to me before when I was playing Patience.

Sometimes, there may be activities that are more constructive, true. But as a means to keep me out of bed, out of the fridge, keep me from relapsing into depression, and allow whatever-it-is to come back to the surface and get slotted at least somewhat into place, Patience seems to be good. So, sometimes beneficial after all.

Healing from CPTSD is seldom as simple as I'd like (or as simple as the non-afflicted think).

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Elphanigh
Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #23 on: January 30, 2018, 07:47:25 AM »
   

This sounds like such a positive moment of self love and self care. Way to go Blueberry!!

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sanmagic7
Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #24 on: January 30, 2018, 08:13:48 AM »
i guess it's called 'patience' for a reason.  seems like it lets you slow down enough for things to rearrange themselves the way they need to be for you.  yeah, i'd say that's pretty constructive, no matter how it may look. 

no, recovery is not at all as simple as anyone would like to think it is.  but, we're doing it anyway.  that says a lot about us in the end.  loving, warm hug to you, sweetie.

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DecimalRocket
Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #25 on: Today at 02:38:56 AM »
It's a strange thing how things that seem like the least effort are actually the most difficult somehow. I've  been learning to swim for physical education class and I was taught to let go of my weight to float up. Huh? I thought. But the less I resisted, the less weight for me to sink down and naturally find my way to the surface.

Interesting how that works.

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Blueberry
Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #26 on: Today at 08:03:36 AM »
That's interesting DR and telling somehow. The more I resist allowing my real feelings and desires, the more difficult things get. It's the afternoon here and I allowed myself to stay in bed all day. I couldn't get up somehow so I didn't. Something is possibly still finding its way to the surface.

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sanmagic7
Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #27 on: Jan 31st  at 08:37:57 AM »
take your time, blueberry.  yeah, those paradoxes.  kind of zen, in a way.  stop fighting in order to win the battle.  'star wars' had a lot of that.  let go and you'll find greater strength.  i think i needed to hear this today.  thanks.  big hug.

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Blueberry
Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #28 on: Jan 31st   at 09:14:54 AM »
I'd say I'm struggling a bit atm. I think the low phase has passed, as I've written a few times here recently, but it really hasn't. Going to choir helps briefly but it's not enough to keep me going for a few days. This too shall pass.

Well actually I went to choir practice really late yesterday (but at least I went at all!) and they ended early - just after I arrived in fact   to move onto the social aspect of the evening. Someone was asking if I get 'home' to my native country often. I actually explained that I don't anymore because I'm VLC with FOO, and then I explained why. This woman and the other one listening in both validated my reaction to FOO.

I said e.g. that FOO has always said that I have to learn to put up with xyz and I have decided that I don't have to actually. They agreed. That was beneficial! Two people not protecting FOO but more commiserating with me and supporting me in my decision. Sometimes just talking about it and hearing reactions - even good ones - does me in. So that'll be why I stayed in bed half the day.

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From Miaoue:

just popping in to say thanks Blueberry for this thread  it's given me a lot of thought. i love how your notion of doing what's beneficial and constructive weaves self-fulfillment and self-improvement into self-care...i'd like to come up with a similar philosophy for my life 

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Blueberry

« Reply #31 on: January 31, 2018, 03:23:20 PM »
I remind myself that feeling like giving up comes from being stuck in an EF. Sometimes I can take steps to get out of the EF, sometimes I wait for it to happen.

I tend to feel like giving up partially with the feeling that there's nobody there. So I can understand why I stayed in contact with FOO so long. I wasn't and am still not unconditionally accepted in FOO but for a long time that felt better than a void. There have been times in the past when spirituality / the belief in some sort of higher being has helped fill the void.

Also having work or tasks to do for other people (or animals) helped and continues to do so. OTOH as part of my collapse last year came this new inability to get my furry little creatures to the vet's when I needed to. Twice. So I got a new home for FLC. I think that was a correct move (especially for FLC) but atm I'm missing them. They and their predecessors were always a reason to get up and keep going.

Doing work for clients is also a reason to keep going. It's tougher on days when I don't have clients (like today). I can just stay in bed. OTOH keeping going for clients when I'm not doing enough nurturing for me won't last. Since Monday I've felt too something-or-other to refile papers I use for my clients. Not too lazy. More like too confused. It requires too much mental energy to put the papers in the right place.

Clients bring in money, which FLC never did of course. So objectively-speaking, clients very beneficial.

But FLC put me in a different frame of mind, maybe. I talked to them on and off all day. The words I used for that were undoubtedly nurturing for me too. I called them "my little sweethearts" and other things like that. There are no people in my life I would call that. In FOO growing up there were some words of endearment used towards us, but there were also 'jocular' put-downs. I talked lovingly to my FLC; when I was growing up we said put-downs to the pets because they couldn't understand (we thought). I didn't realise then and FOO still doesn't apparently that the way you talk to other people (and your pets) has an effect on you too.

I think I'm all at sea atm figuring out what is beneficial and constructive for me in multiple aspects of my life. There are things I know I should do, but am not e.g. going to the dentist. I have a T appointment tomorrow because I asked for one, as I'm allowed up to 3 per quarter. But I feel i'm slumping because of not having regular T anymore. Regular T kept me going; without it - 'give up' modus returns. I've been told before that I seem to expect a T or an inpatient place to heal me, though not by my present T. But probably there is a bit of truth to that. It's not the whole truth, but it's a bit of it. I have to do the healing myself though. Quite a while ago T suggested I do some work with B1 via Screen Processing. I haven't. Undoubtedly I need to in order to move on. B1 was/is one of my abusers.


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« Reply #32 on: January 31, 2018, 04:17:37 PM »
Quote from: Hope67 on January 31, 2018, 09:41:38 AM
I really related to what you said about FOO saying that a person has to put up with XYZ - mine would use a phrase 'You've made your bed, now you should lie in it"

Blueberry: I heard a bit of that too.

Hope, you know I don't have anything against you writing things that occur to you while reading my posts. No problem.   

But in case it wasn't clear, the things I am and was meant to put up with were not things that I had caused. It wasn't a case of I'd got myself in a situation and had to stay there, it was a case of M and/or B1 and recently SIL2 being abusive and I'm told I 'have to (learn to) put up with it'. M, B1 and SIL2 are supposedly not going to change, and in fact nobody is even allowed to point it out to each of them that they are abusive. The other ones prevent that from happening. B1 and SIL2 will talk about how 'rude' M is. M will say to anybody except B2 and SIL2 how 'rude' SIL2 is. Well, it's all just typical dysfunctional family. I played my part in it too. There's a word they use for it over at OOTF: Triangulation.

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« Reply #33 on: January 31, 2018, 06:51:12 PM  from sanmagic7»
blueberry, from what i understand, even from van der kolk, is that nurturing relationships, including with a t, can be healing, that part of our healing comes from being in such a relationship, or being surrounded on a regular basis by nurturing people.

from that, i can understand a 'wanting' to be healed by someone or ones outside yourself.  it's the relationship part of it, the environment, the surroundings that help with our healing.  how many times has it been said on this forum that healing is difficult if we're still in an abusive relationship, or still living with our foo?

i think those that said that may have meant it too literally, but i do believe there is validity on your part for wanting it, wanting to be in the midst of a positive environment to promote your healing.   we all need that.  i believe that's why when some of us take a break from the forum, we miss it so much - it's a part of our healing mechanism.

i also understand the value of having something outside yourself as motivation to get out of bed, to do what needs to be done.  whether it's flc or a d, they provide an impetus to keep going, to make it thru another day, to do something beneficial for ourselves rather than just withering away because it's so much harder not to.  they give us a reason to keep putting one foot in front of another.

as far as putting up with abuse, pooh.  that's just to make it easier for the others, to my mind.  don't rock the boat, don't make waves - i've heard that all my life, including in adulthood with other adults.  i don't have many regrets in life, but there are some linked to not speaking my mind at the time.   

i think you're doing ok, sweetie.  nothing wrong with taking a break every so often, giving yourself some time and space when your brain fogs over.  you're still moving, and that's what counts.  love and a big hug.
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Blueberry
Reply #34 on: January 31, 2018, 07:37:45 PM »
Thanks very much for your response, san. As relationships fall away, or I remove myself from them, because I realise they are not nurturing, it becomes even more necessary for me to find nurturing elsewhere. Although in the past I was in a lot of T that emphasised the need to do that all yourself and for yourself, I could be giving myself a break and saying "No, actually, I still do need help with that."

As other people here and also on OOTF say, as you heal you notice which relationships are not healthy for you, and you start letting them go, and finding other people. I'm doing that rn. But it doesn't necessarily happen simultaneously. Letting go of people who aren't doing me much good doesn't mean I find new people right away. Undoubtedly in this kind of phase I need people who are unconditionally nurturing, even if I or the health service are paying for it. A long time ago my doc used to prescribe massage for me, for the healing touch. (I'm lucky, I can handle massage so long as I can say "don't touch here" and am heard.) I don't need that anymore, but emotionally nurturing stuff.

Although I haven't lived with FOO for a long time, emotionally-speaking I'd never really left. I'm still in the process of moving out of this abusive relationship. So yeah probably I need to allow myself to go on more healing retreats etc. The added difficulty there is that places I used to go to are no longer there. I need to try out new places, new people. I have a spot - new place, new surroundings, not completely new person - in early May, but even that seems too long to wait. Your post helps me understand better why.

I didn't actively abuse my little furry creatures, but sometimes I neglected them a little. e.g. by not putting one foot in front of the other and getting them to the vet's. So I don't think I can get back the nurturing relationship I had with them till I can guarantee to myself that I'll always manage. I wouldn't get my little ones back anyway, but others. But after having given up these little creatures who gave me so much and for whom I did so much, it's not been so easy to find a replacement.

Oh, I don't think I should be putting up with abuse anymore! It's taken me a long time to get there though.

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Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #35 on: February 01, 2018, 12:27:49 AM »
1) Beneficial: start reading Pete Walker's "The Tao of Fully Feeling" and "Surviving To Thriving", as well as Christine Lawson's "The Borderline Mother"
Constructive step: Order all three.

2)  Beneficial: Healing retreats and art therapy days. Much more important atm than holiday later in year.
Constructive steps: Don't plan holiday as such. Register for min. one healing retreat or several art therapy days before May. Preferably by March in fact, maybe even Feb.

3) Beneficial: Give self a break.
Constructive step: Reduce goals, esp. idea of dealing with eating disorder without significant support i.e. inpatient T

Constructive thought for Beneficial 2 and 3: It is good self-care to spend money and time on healing retreats or even time on inpatient T, even if many other people on this forum cannot do these because possibly not available in their country. Unavailability for others is irrelevant for me. I can treat myself well according to what's on offer in my country.

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sanmagic7

« Reply #36 on: February 01, 2018, 07:58:26 AM » 
very well done, blueberry.  i especially loved your closing thoughts.  just because others don't have access to something doesn't mean we mustn't take advantage of something that might be helpful for ourselves.  we can't help what others don't have.

very nicely arranged, very organized, simple (in a good way), straightforward.  love and a big hug to you.

Reply #37 on: February 01, 2018, 04:22:37 PM »
Quote from: Blueberry on February 01, 2018, 12:27:49 AM

    1) Beneficial: start reading Pete Walker's "The Tao of Fully Feeling" and "Surviving To Thriving", as well as Christine Lawson's "The Borderline Mother"
    Constructive step: Order all three.
     :cheer: Ordered  "The Borderline Mother" and "Surviving To Thriving"; tried to order the other  :cheer:          but not possible (so far) from my country. Further constructive step: try a different type of order??

    2)  Beneficial: Healing retreats and art therapy days. Much more important atm than holiday later in year.
     Constructive steps:  :cheer: Don't plan holiday as such.  :cheer:

    3) Beneficial: Give self a break.
    Constructive step:  :cheer: Reduce goals  :cheer: , esp.   :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: idea of dealing with eating disorder without significant support i.e. inpatient T   :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:

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sanmagic7
 
Re: Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me
« Reply #38 on: February 02, 2018, 08:35:53 AM »
:thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:  and   :cheer:.

way to go!

It's certainly beneficial for me that OOTS is running again properly  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: No more copying and saving posts elsewhere. To then be moved back here somewhere.  :stars: :stars: Deciding where and in what order is mind-bogglingly confusing for me. Puts me in an EF-like state.  :doh:

But I really logged on to post something from today. Instead of lying down and giving up, I told a pretty small IC that it was OK to make all that mess by mistake. That sort of thing happens sometimes. But then the Adult needs to start cleaning up. It helped me to think of this little IC. She was allowed to help clean up. I didn't send her away (the way I would have been brusquely as a child - "you've made all this mess and now you're getting in the way as well") but it helped me to assume Adult role and think: if there really was a small child here, would I just leave all this mess and chaos and go back to bed? No. I would start cleaning up. So that's what I started. Now to go back to it and e.g. unload washing machine and hang the stuff up to dry and put next load in. Step by step I'll get it done.
Beneficial and constructive thoughts.

 :applause:

Blueberry, that is great that you did that - sounds very constructive and beneficial to me.  Really great!   :cheer:

I am also so glad that the forum is back and running smoothly once more - it's really good.   :)

:hug: to you Blueberry. 

Hope  :)

how very cool that you were able to structure all that in such a positive way, blueberry.  i'm very impressed by that process.  well done!  big hug to you.

Thanks san  :hug:

_________________

NTS: Time to put some music on and dance about.
1) I've got quite a bit of work done today that i'd been putting off, like getting my tax documents together , so music / dance = reward
2) I read an email response from a FOO member. It's good to get that out of my system a bit.

Dancing is a great medicine!
I hope you had a wonderful time with music and dacing!  :cheer:

Thank you! I did. Only just finished now.

Now I understand why somebody over at Out Of The Fog says something like 'any contact with a PD person creates some damage in us'. One little email from F and I need over an hour of music and dancing to re-ground.  :stars:

Yes, I can relate. I still get hurt easily sometimes. Hope you can enjoy your music, Blue.  :hug:

I promise myself - I'm logging off now!

It's certainly beneficial for me to see my own failings and own up to them. Otherwise things just get worse and worse, spiralling ever more downwards into SH and feelings of it's-better-to-give-up. I can't yet write about them openly here. My mind goes blank which means it's too early, but the time will come.

Two seconds later: I certainly have trouble working as part of a team. I tend to be judgemental. I also feel responsible for more than I should and end up hurting other people because I question their decisions. Behind that sits the old wound of being blamed for anything and everything going wrong even though I had nothing to do with it. So often what looks as if I'm being judgemental or bossy or interfering is a vain attempt to prevent any kind of criticism of the work done by the group because of the deep-seated fear that I will take the flak. The flak was emotionally very bad when I was a child and then later too.

BUT that is a very old thing and time to start questioning it AND I hurt other people and/or make other people's work difficult. Hurt people hurt people. I'm one of the hurt people who do that. Not all the  time but ever so often.

Anyway I now have to go off and work a small shift at a Carnival party. Maybe my mood will improve a bit.

Sending supportive hugs, and aitting with you :hug:

Have fun at the carnival!

Thank you Elphanigh!

It did me good to go over there and do things with real people. I was dealing out drinks which is hilarious, because I hardly drink any alcohol. I have to learn them again every year  :doh:

Sounds like a fun time. I am glad it did you good. Random side note, it is interesting to hear you call it dealing drinks rather than bartending. I love learning about the language differences depending on where in the world people are from

Oh, "dealing drinks" was a Blueberry-ism at the moment of writing. I wouldn't have said 'bartending' though. Sounds too professional for somebody working at a table rather than a bar. ;)

_____________________________________

When I'm not on here, there are still realisations I want to write, but when I come on here, they disappear from my head.

I did some work this morning and then I slept most of the day. Sometimes that's necessary and therefore also beneficial in the days after a T appointment. T was pretty intense on Wednesday.

I was trying to do some moderating a few minutes ago, but ahem cough cough I couldn't be bothered, felt very listless, so I thought it probably beneficial to go and write a bit about myself first.

In therapy we were doing work on my dread and fear of doing faintly technical things with my hands. It's a pretty long-term issue that I have done healing work on before.

People teach me how to do things like use a very simple mobile phone and I even practise using it in their presence but when I come to actually use it, I get stuck part way through. Brain gets all foggy. Or something I regularly dread is changing the cartridge on my printer. It's been 'intimating' to me for a while that cartridge will soon need to be changed. I'm waiting till it actually runs out completely though, so that makes for a constant low-level feeling of dread.

We worked on reducing the fear first with me picturing myself in the future changing the cartridge. I could see myself from behind only and everything was pretty dark. During the course of the work, it changed so I could see myself from the side.  I couldn't see my own hands but I could see that I was doing something. Instead of dark there was a yellow glow around me. I know I had brought some helpers into the visualisation including one of my absent Little Furry Creatures.

After we worked on fear reduction, my T asked if there were any other feelings. Yes. Anger and pain. We worked on anger. Not getting rid of it but using it to remove my M from standing there in the way. She moved fast to my side instead of splat in the way of my plans. And then I even got her to go further away. Not without F turning up to admonish me for 'hurting M's feelings', but I got rid of him too. I know it'll take quite a while for this work to show real changes in my behaviour

My homework from T is to do  fun and possibly creative things with my hands. I haven't done any yet, just gone to bed and slept, but I do have a list of ideas. That's a start.

it sounds intense.  no wonder you needed the sleep.

and, hooray for you for getting your folks out of the way.  brilliant.  sounds like some progress being made.  also, that's some pretty heavy lifting to do, so to speak.  a lot of energy expended.  yep, healing sleep sounds just right.

loving, warm hug to you, blueberry.  i'd love to hear what kind of creative thing you choose to do with your hands.  i'm actually knitting a scarf for my d, it's almost done.  it feels good to me to do something like that with my hands, something that doesn't take a lot of thought/mind energy. 

Maybe 'creative' isn't quite the word. It's more doing something with my hands which can also involve the senses and/or be tactile. Certainly no stress involved e.g. I must finish this piece of sewing.

Today I washed some dishes, not even all of them. I notice that it's actually hard to do things with my hands atm. Yesterday I put body lotion on my feet and hands. So that involves feeling with my hands and the sense of smell as well. It's fine to take these things slowly.

I have a bad cold so spending a lot of time sleeping.

Quote from: Blueberry on February 16, 2018, 06:30:22 PM
It's fine to take these things slowly.

I agree, definitely fine to take these things slowly - and I hope very much that you will feel better from your cold soon.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Hi Blue. Interesting that you have trouble with your hands. It's not from emotional issues like yours, but I have problems with my hands too. Not their movements as a whole, but how I isolate each finger — handwriting for example tires and confuses me more easily than others. Has to do with me being an Aspie apparently.

Well, I hope you learn how to move your hands more. All that with your T — the visualization and awareness of emotions . . . sounds tough and effortful. I hope you can rest easy, Blue.  :hug:

Thank you Hope and DR  :hug:

get well soon, blueberry.

it is fine to take these things slowly.  i didn't even think of the things we do with our hands every day.  even typing this is something where my fingers are moving.

i like the lotion idea.   gets other senses involved as well.


big, healing hug to you, sweetie.

Just a while ago I was doing some colouring the way I wanted to, which was random scribbling. Whatever pencil crayon I picked up I used, regardless of colour. I didn't bother filling all the area in carefully as I usually do. Yeah, I just scribbled till I knew what I wanted to do: I wanted to write. Oh no! I couldn't find my diary though I knew I'd had it in my hands today. Turned out it was at the computer, which is not in my apartment for various reasons.

So atm I'm trying to figure out what would be beneficial and constructive other than playing Patience / solitaire with real cards instead of on computer. At least I stopped doing that. I started writing a list of things I could do tomorrow (today actually to be precise, it's past midnight) but I stopped when I realised the mere thought of having such a list would probably keep me in bed.

On the way to my computer I thought of that last therapy session which was good but intense and remembered that it often takes me a week to recover from therapy. And seeing as how it intense it was, it might even take longer. Especially with the number of further memories and realisations which have been coming up. So that makes some sense.

People have pointed out to me before that my system of 'rewards' for myself can be a bit wonky. One is: if I do particular difficult task, then I'll promise to reward myself by taking something away from myself! Another reward system makes more sense, but doesn't seem to work. The example for that atm is: if I finally get my tax documents together, then I'll allow myself to go back to the farm to do some work. Tomorrow is actually the only day within the next week where they could do with me and I could go. It might be beneficial since I doubt I'm going to collect together my tax docs. I can't even file away much less confusing stuff atm so I just leave stacks around the place. Going up to the farm tends to be beneficial. It helps me get going again, even if that merely involves finishing washing the dishes. Finishing the dishes would possibly lead me on to doing some other beneficial activity. That's how it works for me.

Going up to the farm would also force me to be outside in the fresh air and move my body a bit by at the very least walking to the bus stop and from the other bus stop to the farm, or cycling the whole way. Once I actually start, it usually works too. I just keep going.

On the plus side, I've finally got some impending telephone problems sorted out. I didn't do it though. I couldn't. A friend's husband dropped by and did it for me. So I don't have this feeling of Success! Yay! I did it! The way I do when I figure something out myself.

Just done two very beneficial activities: written another 2 FOO letters on here to not send. Maybe I'll even manage a third.

There are a number of things I could do with doing tomorrow that would involve leaving the house (moving body slightly and getting fresh air) but which wouldn't involve going as far away as the farm. I've obviously finally got things moving again emotionally by writing these letters, even if I took all night about it.

I haven't read the new letters (yet), but it has seemed that they have had a cleansing effect on your previously. It's really hard work to write it all down, to acknowledge your own feelings and emotions. I say very well done!

And I hope you'll get some fresh air! It can be quite wonderful too. :)

Cheering for you!

good for you, sweetie.  i, too, have found that writing letters has released or opened up something that had gotten stuck.  so glad for you that you're doing them.

lovely, lovely,  warm hug filled with love and some of that fresh air.  i like that feeling on my face.

Thank you Sceal and san! Writing has had a cleansing effect. I feel lighter today. I finally dared to direct words of anger towards B2 who is GC in our FOO. It's a bit like directing words of anger towards F: it's just not done. Well, now I've done it.

:applause: to myself for finally taking this step.  For finally being ready to put it in words and direct it towards B2 in my mind if not directly towards him in person. But I'm putting it out there.  :thumbup:

So now the stuff I wrote to B2 and M is no longer bouncing around in my brain. It's gone. Can open up space for my stuff.

Quote from: Blueberry on February 21, 2018, 05:22:08 PM
Writing has had a cleansing effect. I feel lighter today.

So now the stuff I wrote to B2 and M is no longer bouncing around in my brain. It's gone. Can open up space for my stuff.

Really glad to hear you're feeling lighter today, Blueberry - and I also feel that writing really does help - in so many ways. 
:hug:
Hope  :)

I didn't go to the farm today. I think it was beneficial to be at home today. When my swimming pool walls are feeling very shakey, the farm's not a good place.

I finally went grocery shopping. I didn't really want to buy anything or eat, but I did buy a bit, and I heated something up for myself to eat. It wasn't super healthy, but not super unhealthy either. I have an aversion to vegetables atm  :stars: cuz I actually like veg, but anyway I have an aversion so I drank v-8 juice instead. So I started drinking again yesterday after writing those letters and eating again today. Very beneficial and constructive.  :yes:

Hi Blueberry -  :hug: to you.
Hope  :)

 :hug: :hug:  :hug:

I copied what I think are all my remaining posts from this thread that were still on the old server over here  :thumbup:

Since I do re-read what I've written quite often in order to see the wisdom I came up with previously for a problem, or in order to see how far I've progressed, it's important for me to have my old posts too.

It's often quite confusing for me to do this type of thing. My brain goes all foggy so  :cheer: for me.

 :hug:

Hi Blueberry,
:hug: to you. 
Hope  :)

Thx Hope  :hug:

It's beneficial for me to notice today that there are no SI thoughts going through my head about this contract work that's so difficult. Not that long ago (weeks? months?) there would have been. I never would've acted on those SI thoughts but they would've been passing thru my mind like 'you might as well throw in the towel' in a more literal sense though.

I wouldn't have acted on them but they showed the amount of desperation I used to feel and the amount of  :fallingbricks: effect. I guess I'm managing to not get sucked totally into an EF and I'm managing to stay better in a healthy form of my Adult. I'm not disappearing into a teenage form of myself (which used to happen in various types of my professional work) who is / was in absolutely no state to do this professional work. Neither psychological state nor intellectual/comprehension level, or organisational skills or even linguistic. That sentence isn't very well worded or constructed but I'm leaving it!

Noticing further progress, and noticing is beneficial. My usual coping mechanisms like eating, SH, giving up and going to bed or 'wasting time' aka putting off and procrastinating are not working, obviously. But now I'm really noticing it. They aren't working and I *have to* find another way of getting through this contract. Today I'm not even resorting to eating when I shouldn't be or eating anything that I shouldn't be - because it's not working. Usually I wouldn't care that it's not working, I'd do it anyway.

SH - well I'm doing a little of it semi-automatically while I work, but I'm stopping myself faster than I was yesterday, and I'm not doing it in a way that hurts, the way I was yesterday. Now it's more a kind of absent-minded and 'soothing' activity as opposed to self-punishment.

More healthy coping: today when I noticed my body really wanted to move and I wanted to enjoy a little of that sunshine, I went out for a little walk. Often I feel too self-conscious to go outside, I want to stay inside and hide from the world. But my body knew it needed to move so the impulse to do so overrode my feelings of self-consciousness and whatever else was there.

And just now I put some music on and allowed my body to move as its impulses were. I wouldn't say 'dancing' really. It's more a way to allow whatever emotions were trapped and causing blockages to be released which will hopefully de-fog my brain as well.

The whole thing feels like a breakthrough. I think it's the first time I've noticed in such a deep way that my old mechanisms don't work! They're not beneficial.

Quote from: Blueberry on February 25, 2018, 08:43:27 PM
Noticing further progress, and noticing is beneficial. My usual coping mechanisms like eating, SH, giving up and going to bed or 'wasting time' aka putting off and procrastinating are not working, obviously. But now I'm really noticing it. They aren't working and I *have to* find another way of getting through this contract. Today I'm not even resorting to eating when I shouldn't be or eating anything that I shouldn't be - because it's not working.
...
The whole thing feels like a breakthrough. I think it's the first time I've noticed in such a deep way that my old mechanisms don't work! They're not beneficial.

The realisation is one thing; sticking to the results of it is another. I know, it's practice in re-wiring the brain. Making a beaten path of healthier coping to run alongside the beaten path of unhealthy coping and eventually being a much better worn path than the unhealthy coping.

On with the work!

I can relate very much about not wanting to go outside.   I hope you slide through this extra duty and quickly finish it.  I understand how overwhelming things can be and not saying 'no'.   

you're absolutely right on about re-wiring the brain.  it's hard work, takes a lot of practice and repetition and time and patience, but i've been finding out it's do-able.  best to you with this, sweetie.  big hug filled with new well-worn paths.

Thank you san!

I ate quite a lot in my break, but I was honestly very hungry. I ate healthy things though. On Saturday I bought myself a pre-made salad - just add dressing. I ate most of that. That's good because mostly when I finish doing work in the more difficult professional line I'm in, I'm so drained I can't cook or prepare food or do much else in fact. That's a moment when I tend to either eat nothing or go and buy and some junk. Compared to that, what I ate today was really healthy.

Then I also went for a walk in the  sun, as far as I could find it. It's really cold for here atm but it's nice seeing the snow. It might have been harder for me to go out if warmer but raining. Usually I need a reason to go out e.g. need to post a letter but this time I just went for a bit of leg-stretch and fresh air and sun. And because I noticed on the weekend that my usual go-to unhealthy coping skills don't work. So I'm practising treading the new path down.

I too struggle with going outside for no apparent purpose. (Despite the fact I've always loved the out doors). But it's good that you're trying out this new thing as a healthy coping mechanism. Leg-stretches can make us feel better, if nothing else than by just taking a break from staring into the same old.

I got my tax docs for 2016 in this morning!  :cheer: That feels really good, and is certainly both beneficial and constructive.

I really noticed how useful it was to just be rid of those documents when I accidently brought them back home again after my appointment with the accountant  :doh: :doh: instead of leaving them there. I felt the 'weight' of them again and took them straight back. (Fortunately it's just a 4 minute walk and so I got a little extra leg-stretch and a little extra fresh air as well.) It's jsut interesting to me how it made a almost physically perceptible difference to me having the binder back home as opposed to at accountant's.

When I'm having trouble getting going with anything over a number of days it's often beneficial for me to amalgamate different refuse types and bag them or cart them away. It gets things moving again. I'm lucky I live in a town with - let's see - about 6 different types so there's always some to be done. Just thinking about it gives me the feeling that things are flowing briefly instead of being stuck! It also helps me tidy. Once my paper/ cardboard bin is empty, I get an impulse to throw more paper in and there is always some paper lying around somewhere that is ready to be discarded!

I made another appointment next week at the accountant's to hand over my 2017 documents. Doing both at once to hand in today would have been too much, but now that I'm in the swing of things, it's good to get 2017 out of the way too. Then I'll feel lighter.

sounds like you're doin' some good stuff there, blueberry.  well done.

step by step, right?  you go!    :hug:

Hi Blueberry,

Great that you've been sorting through your paper and stuff - I did a bit of that kind of thing today as well.  Not as many bags though - you mentioned the place where you live can have about 6 different bags.  That's a lot!

Hope  :)

That's great Blue. I get a similar feeling when I organize digital information. Cleared up over a thousand emails in my Google account. Not to mention when removing unnecessary code to make a program the most efficient in the simplest way.  It's so. . . spacious.

Me too, DR, deleting files or emails makes me happy even though they don't take up any real physical space.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Feel kind of listless today. I have done a few things I needed to do and some I wanted. Came on OOTS after problems with my printer. No use tying myself in knots with that. Better to do something else for a while and then go back to it.

look at you!  feeling listless and still did stuff that needed doing.  good for you, blueberry.  i say congratulations for that - it wasn't always that way.

big hug, sweetie.

Thanks for pointing that out san! I wouldn'T have noticed otherwise.  :hug:

In the past week I've been pretty good about putting skin lotion on. My skin still feels pretty dry, but imagine how it would be if I didn't put lotion on at all. It feels nice when I put it on and I enjoy the feel of my hands doing it and my hands in the lotion, which hasn't always been the case.

It's such a simple act of self-care Blueberry, but that doesn't always mean it's easy. I'm glad you're enjoying the ritual of it, and I hope you keep enjoying it.

Hi Blueberry,
It sounds nice - I hope you're enjoying it.
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope! Yes, I do enjoy it. I put it on before I go to sleep. It smells faintly of roses so that's nice too.

______________________________________________________

Today I had a really, really good and useful therapy session. Fortunately I wrote a whole lot down in my diary on the way home. Bit late to write much more here tonight. Except I could really tell how much progress I'm making.  :cheer: :cheer:

I had an impulse to wash my dishes today, but I did not act on that. I told myself that actually I need to be doing some paper work and not put that off by washing dishes. OK, so I did a little cleaning other spots and throwing things out instead of the paper work  :whistling: but that was beneficial too. When I have the urge to actually clean, then good urge to follow at least briefly.

Now for the paper work!

you go, girl, in whatever order works best for you.  that's what counts.  yay, you.

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Thank you DR and san!

_________________________________________

Last summer I suddenly felt ready to pass my Little Furry Creatures on to somebody else, after having various LFC for about 20 years. Two weeks before that decision, it would have been unthinkable. Suddenly it was there.

Now within the space of 2 days another big decision evolving. To move my business space back into my apartment. Three days ago I would've said that it's impossible but now it seems a pretty good idea, especially financially. Won't happen right away since I have to give at least 3 months' notice and I'll have to do quite a bit of rearranging in my apartment and a bit of a clear-out too, possibly even insert a flimsy dividing wall in one room.

Without doubt, trying to finish that contract work from last week? / the week before last? is a real pain and mighty difficult, but also beneficial because it's showing me where several employment-related problems originated. This is really, really important. For a long time in therapy nobody really understood why working was so so so hard for me. My present T has been successful in getting me far enough along for more realisations to come.

Blue, honestly I don't have an idea of what different terms you mention around your work like contract work mean. I put those things in the category called "Adult stuff I still don't get"

But I can see that you're improving, and that's a good thing. Hard work is paying off for you, and I see that you're willing to persevere no matter how hard it is. Lots of your journal entries are often just small everyday tasks, but it's often that consistency that creates something lasting.

Keep going.  :cheer:

Thanks so much DR for seeing the changes and progress I'm making! And the hard work and perseverance. :hug:

(Contract work - I work freelance in two different but somewhat related professions. In one of them I get an order to do such-and-such by some date and time. That's what I refer to as contract work. I'm not employed by any of these companies. The work is contracted out to me.)

Not just improvements in my professional work but also in voice lessons! It was perceptible today. I treat my voice lessons like body therapy. They'll be ending quite soon and that'll be it. But it's nice that I'm making such progress before they end.

o blueberry, what progress!  the whole idea of contemplating moving your business to your home is incredible.  my only concern, and i bring this up gently, and off the top of my head, will it be beneficial for you to be living and working in the same space?  for some people, the idea of separating the two is important.  for others, it makes the most sense.

it's amazing to me how these realizations can allow and encourage us to do things that we've once believed could/would never happen.  as your new title says, absolutely keep doing what's beneficial and constructive for you.  i think you're doing a splendid job, even with the bumps in the road.  loving, warm hug to you, sweetie.  you are a beautiful being.

Thanks for your concern san. I've lived and worked in the same space before. It's not completely ideal, which is why I've had a separate space for a good few years now, but the present arrangement is quite frankly not financially tenable. I kept hoping I'd 'make it eventually' but I now realise I won't in that way. I need to reduce my business expenses by quite a lot. Rent is the biggest expense by a long shot.

I will be putting in some type of room divider in my apartment so that I can keep private and business fairly separate and also to keep nosy clients out of my private life. People can be very nosy and/or judgemental.  e.g. Thinking about what clients would say if they saw my untidy and sometimes dirty apartment bothered me for a long time, it was a reason not to move business back in. With room dividers it will be easier.

I feel good about the decision, I can feel relief in my body, almost viscerally. Tells me it's the right decision. It might also help me to look for a very part-time job in a different area, where I'm not so involved intellectually and sitting at the computer for hours, or just to spend more time at the farm, if I'm not constantly thinking about having to improve profit in my professions.

that relief in your body speaks volumes, blueberry.  the dividers sound just right.  i've done the same in spits and spurts in mexico, and it was ok, too. 

it sounds like a very good decision, sweetie.  best of luck on your new venture when it begins.  fingers crossed and prayers flying that it's exactly what you need.  love and warm hugs.

I was reading back in this thread to help myself think of something beneficial or constructive to write about. I remembered I have a couple of things to write in 3 Good Things a Day.

So it worked, having a Journal dedicated to Beneficial and Constructive.  :)

I mostly feel like going back to bed today. I will be doing so quite soon too because I need to leave the house really early tomorrow in order to go up to the farm. Working on the farm generally does me good and I look forward to filling up my milk bottle directly from the tank.

I suppose the combination of making a biggish decision (moving office paraphernalia back into apartment and before that rearranging everything in apartment to make space) and doing 3 lots of harder profession last week have left me pretty exhausted. So lying in bed reading and/or gazing out the window was actually beneficial.

I finally had a shower and washed my hair. I feel better now, just with being clean.

yay!  sometimes just feeling clean means so much, doesn't it?  i think it's my favorite smell.  glad you were able to do that for yourself.

i can totally see how you'd be exhausted.  have a good day on the farm, and just enjoy.   :hug: filled with squeaky clean love - just for fun.

Yeah, thanks I enjoyed my work on the farm today. It's so good for me doing light manual work after a week or so of heav duty intellectual stuff.

I'm not as physical as you Blue, but I understand that it's a relief to do something you love to do after a day's hard work. That's great. :)

I'm not sure that most of today has been beneficial or constructive. I didn't go to bed last night but sat at the computer instead. Part of the time I was looking at animal pictures and videos which was pretty cute, funny, calming but part of the time I was reading old news about a particular event a number of years ago which was haunting me a bit and still is.

Then I lay in bed all day and slept and had bad dreams. I didn't go to my evening appointment. I got an inquiry from a new client and spoke to her. It sounds genuine and promising. I guess I sorted out some things in my head by posting on here. Oh well, at least tomorrow 2 clients are coming and I'll go to the Games Afternoon (board games). That will get me out of bed and on with my day.

Today it finally came out: the voice that kept saying "What is the point??" in my head. I expressed it in the lesson I was having (not giving, that would have been inappropriate) and then things got better, as I knew they would.

The voice has gone already!! It used to take weeks or even months. I'm not sure what triggered it. Could have been any number of things. Best thing though: it's gone and with that things feel ready to move forward again a bit.  :cheer: :cheer:

Got 2 items into the post that I should have sent a week or two ago. Feel ready to start discarding some possessions, which I need to get on with before moving my business side of life back into my apartment.

so very happy for you, blueberry.  i really am.  ready to move forward again - what a biggie.  i can't say enough about this except i see it as a major victory for you.  yay!!!  love and hugs to you.

Thanks san!  :hug:

I'd like to try and apply for another p/t job. I'm not sure that the number of hours I would be capable of working are quite what they're thinking, but it's a step forward that I'm even thinking of trying.

Today I was at the farm and felt I've done enough of that for a while. I will keep going on and off nonetheless but it's good when I even notice that I'd like to try something else, and especially have a real job where I'm properly employed and get money instead of payment-in-kind. For a long time, on and off, it's been really good to not be properly employed, for a number of reasons. Now that is changing and it's a good sign.  :thumbup:

Yesterday I stayed up half the night and sorted through papers and threw a whole bunch out. Certainly beneficial since I need a bit of a clear-out so I can move my business back into my apartment. I need to make space, especially for books and papers.

I can feel that there's quite a lot going on internally atm even though outwardly people can't see all the changes. I know the changes will come though, when they're ready.

One area where changes are taking place is: friendships. I think i've written about those changes mostly under Friends or Recovery Letters.

It must feel good to have all this progress in life.

:cheer:

Thanks DR, it does! As if all that therapy and my own work between sessions is finally paying off  :cheer: :woohoo:

Not very constructive, but I haven't managed to impart some information to a friend. It's obviously more difficult than I thought to say: you're leaning on me too much. Please find other people.

I know if you don'T say anything, you have to show with boundaries. I haven't been getting back to her, so that could be an indication to her, but it isn't. She assumes I'm in a bad way. I don't think I am really. But I'M still not in a place that can be there for her. I think to myself about her and a few others IRL - maybe you need therapy! Maybe you really need somebody there for you who understands you! This one would possibly say - but you're the only one who really does. And therein lies the problem. That can't be. I looked and looked and gave up and tried again and looked some more etc etc and finally found a T who's really good for me. Before that I paid for long weekends of trauma-informed group therapy. You don't have to have CPTSD or PTSD to go but they can work with you if you do. She went once. She could go again. And not leech off me.

Fortunately she'll never read this. But I feel as if she and one other person who is no longer in my life are leeching off the fact that I have therapy. (I don't mean that at all for people on here! The situation is very different.)

Anyway, I need to go and get ready to go up to the farm. I'm going this evening instead of tomorrow morning early.

Hi Blueberry,
Just wanted to say that I hope that the Farm is enjoyable - thinking of you.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope. I actually decided to not go up to the farm till tomorrow early after all. There are just a few too many things I haven't done this weekend. I've done some of them now though.  :thumbup: But there are a few left.

Now I have emailed that friend. I didn't write anything too specific but hope I made it clear I don't want to phone tonight. I think that was one of the more important things that I hadn't done this weekend. Well, now I have.  :thumbup:

i've also done a little work in the garden, including planting a wild onion bulb and removing a bunch of moss to help aerate the soil, and harvesting some spring weeds (dandelions, ground elder) for supper.

I've put some books on the Free Neighbourhood Bookshelf, which means I've made some space in my apartment, and I've started a bag of "Things for the next spring rummage sale".

These are all concrete, beneficial steps towards moving  my business back into apartment and/or keeping on going with things that do me good (garden!).

You've gotten alot of stuff done recently! Well done! :cheer:
It's wonderful to read about your progession and steps towards healing. It's really good that you're taking steps that are beneficial for you!

Thank you Sceal  :)

____________________________________

It's good for me to read how just a day or so ago things were moving on, I was getting things done. Today I feel overwhelmed and as if there are too many undone things, too many things I ought to have done by now and haven't. It's evening and I haven't eaten anything yet today. Well no wonder, I slept till 1:30 pm when  a student woke me up ringing my door bell. Which was better than her missing the lesson. But after teaching her and running a few errands and then teaching someone else, why did I come onto OOTS to moderate (or even just read around)? instead of making myself something to eat??

I think because I was checking something online business-wise which certainly could have waited a couple of days and then I got distracted. I'm missing choir practice rn but not having eaten at all or drunk much I hardly feel like cycling up the road far less standing and singing for an hour or so. And anyway atm I feel as if it's very difficult to sing. It's strange. I don't feel as if I have no voice in general atm. I don't feel as if I can't express myself at all but I feel as if I can't open my mouth to sing.

It is true that I'm working on a number of biggish projects atm (moving business, therefore doing a clear out in apartment and in office beforehand, and thinking how to reorganise rooms and furniture in apartment when working out of it, applying for a job separate from freelance work, sorting out relationships in FOO and friendships) and smallish (keeping going freelance work, working at farm, and starting gardening at home for year), so my body and feelings rather than my intellect have decided: no choir atm. Maybe even give up choir altogether. I always wanted to be able to sing, it's been a dream from childhood. To be able to sing with others, be accepted within the group of singers.

But. The reality is I can't really. Despite lessons and practice and time. Lots of it. I have a lot of difficulty hitting the right note. Apparently I sing something that 'fits' but it's like a fifth voice to the other four in the choir. It harmonises with them, but it's not correct. Sometimes I do sing the right note, but not reliably. I think I'm now beginning to accept that I can't sing, not really. And the amount of work I'd have to put in daily to keep going in the choir is too much. I need the time and the energy for quite different things, I even want the energy for different things.

This is a big step forward in healing. Because this "I can't sing" was very painful for me for years. Recently somebody asked about goals on here. Learning to sing was a goal for me for a long time. Up until quite recently giving up as it were, reaching the conclusion that the amount of work involved is just not worth it anymore for me - this would have bowled me over. It hasn't been a waste of time so far. There have been a lot of positives to going to choir and to singing and to singing what we sing - God's words. I'm not even very religious!! But I discovered that singing God's words was very beneficial to me. Atm it doesn't seem to be. It's as if the words and their meaning are stuck in my throat.

I believe for various reasons that the trauma had a negative impact on my ability to learn many things, to 'just pick things up' the way children do, and that includes singing, carrying a tune. My inability no longer feels utterly painful to me. As if I'm going to cry if somebody imitates my attempt to sing. This means that I'm getting over the terrible effects being laughed at, being ridiculed, being imitated by M, F and B1 had on me. They imitated me in a very cruel fashion. The pain from then, from childhood, is healing over. It no longer feels so raw. Progress.

Now it would be very beneficial to go and make myself something to eat. I am very hungry.  :)

enjoy your meal, sweetie. 

so very happy to hear about your progress.  i can relate to the singing thing, too.  i've always loved to sing, have sung in choirs, but don't have the voice at all for solo anything.  still, i love to sing along with the radio when i'm driving.  i've also gotten mocked for singing, so i know how that feels, too, which isn't good.

but i'm glad you've made a sort of peace with it, and i hope that continues.  i also hope you can continue to sing as you wish when you wish without criticism.  i've always thought that when people sing, no matter what their voice sounds like, it meant they have a light heart, and it's made me smile in a happy for them way.

keep up the self care as you get into this move.  it's such a big deal.  all the best for this for you, sweetie.  warm loving hug to you.

san, I've been told I have a good voice. There's a type of therapeutic singing I've done as a 'solo' with an audience (of fellow group therapy retreat members) and people are often quite impressed! But I have a lot of trouble finding and hitting the correct notes. When I sing my therapeutic solos there are no correct notes I have to hit, so I can concentrate on singing everything - all my feelings, fears, hopes whatever. I can give it my everything and my voice is quite strong, I don't falter.

Taking lessons and singing in the choir for so long has given me more confidence to 'just join in' in church when I'm in a service (as opposed to the choir) without feeling so terribly self-conscious. Because I don't feel so self-conscious, maybe I don't send out those vibes of 'please laugh at me, I can't protect myself' that mean people seem able to pick up on so easily? Anyway, it's definite progress. I hope it stays with me, even if I leave the choir.

_________________________________

What I would like to get back to is: having Furry Little Creatures in my life. Not immediately. For one thing, I need to do my move first. It may take me a year or two, but I would like some in my life again. I'm figuring out my priorites atm.

I relate to that too. Not the singing — ever since I was a kid, people told me I'd make a good singer. But how there are certain skills in life that won't come over easily, and that we can't pursue every dream.

I have a need to fit in sometimes, and I wish I could be more of a popular loud people person to be liked, but I'm not exactly the best in that.  :whistling: This need better stop after puberty.

I agree with San. That you don't need to be good at something to enjoy it. In a way, working on something you're terrible at is freeing. Not doing it for praise, accomplishment or any pressure. Just doing it because you enjoy it.  :)

Hi Blueberry,
Great to hear that you're figuring out your priorities at the moment, and that you're considering having some more furry little creatures at some point in the future. 
Just wanted to pop by and say 'hello' and also wish you the best for the weekend.   :hug:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope for commenting  :) Idea of more furry little creatures makes me smile. I wish you the best for the weekend too. I hope it's not tough on you?  :hug: :hug:

Hi Blueberry,

Thanks - and I'm taking it a day at a time - it's not too bad. 
Glad I made you smile - that is quite funny, as I was just writing about you in my diary, and I commented that something you'd said previously had made me smile - so that seems quite synchronicitous (if that word exists).

:hug:

Hope  :)

more furries in your life?  possibly?  wow, blueberry. 

that therapeutic singing you mentioned sounds really interesting - fascinating, actually.  and intriguing how it can evolve into self-confidence re: other places to sing.  very cool.

lovin' it, lovin' you.  how's the move going?

There's a lot going on internally atm for me. That doesn't translate into active 'external' work that much. In fact, I often get up, switch off alarm and go back to bed. Well, I've been doing that for a few days anyway.

And there's a loooong list of things I, ahem, ought to be doing. Except that 'ought to' and 'should' don't tend to do me much good. Maybe accept that things will start to flow again quite soon but atm I need to lie low a bit and / or do only that for which I feel a definite pull?

Today in church I was singing away, but it wasn't choir. I was just part of the congregation. Probably I was singing out of tune some of the time, but it did me good. I do feel a kind of tug to keep going singing when I notice how much good it does me. But I also know how hard staying motivated and keeping going is for me. Not just doing my singing exercises (which I hardly ever do) but much more mundane things like getting out of bed every morning, washing my hair regularly, keeping my apartment semi-clean and tidy, therapy exercises (whether talking to ICs, doing EFT, or a whole lot of other stuff), and atm regular appointments like choir practice.  Things get to be too much so fast.

you know, yes, they can get to be too much too fast.  if you've got all those possibilities running around your head, maybe it tires you out, wears you out just thinking about it.  i know that's happened to me.   i think it's ok to take your time with all these things cuz i believe when you're ready, you'll just begin doing them.

love and a big hug, blueberry. 

Thanks san, you're right! I often do start doing when I'm ready. I did finally have a shower and wash my hair. Even that was kind of an effort, but I broke it down into: just a shower and hair wash. Can put all the same clothes back on if I want. i.e. don't have to figure out what to wear for evening church service before I have my shower. That worked. Half clean clothes, half clothes from earlier today/yesterday.

I came out of the Easter Night church service partially elated because of the singing and partially with bits of 'aha!' going on.

As I was singing and not feeling too, too self-conscious, B1 dropped by in my thoughts or memories or somewhere. He's dropping by so much atm with my memories of his contemptuous comments and gesturing both about and to me. Not just gesturing either, some of it was a bit more hands-on e.g. slap across the face, minor PA.

In some ways the memories are becoming less overpowering. They drop by but I still manage to keep going what I'm doing and don't feel all that visceral shame and humiliation etc. At least not all the time.

I remember being asked by both parents separately why I listened to them and why I listened to B1 if I knew the things they said weren't true.  :stars: What a question. One of the occasions I did send a question straight back "Why did you say it so often if you didn't want me to listen??" And why did I listen in the case of B1? Because my parents didn't give me any kind of alternative to believe. They didn't show me anything different. he probably spoke what they thought out loud, or what he thought they thought and since they rarely corrected the 'narration', well, it was eventually too difficult for me to believe anything else. And also he had a particular kind of power and status in the family. Neither of my parents were in 'boss' role all the time. Sometimes B1 was the powers-that-be.

B1 has an awful lot to answer for. He did apologise twice in living memory but the times he did I myself had no idea of the extent of the damage. That's only coming clear now. That's part of the 'aha'. I knew that stuff from my parents, esp. M,  contributed to my self-consciousness in singing and basically any facial expressions, but I can't remember realising until today how huge B1's role was too. I'm not sure he realises it either. In fact I'm sure he doesn't.

My parents have never apologised for anything. Occasionally they've said something like "Did we do that?" or "Really, we said that so precisely??" (e.g. the precise maximum weight I should have) and then even looked somewhat guilty / abashed, but there's never been an apology from them or open recognition of what they put me through and how destructive it's been for me, my whole life, my whole career, my whole existence, my whole person. I'm not actually expecting it anymore. But 'just saying'.

It's really something terrible when you're the one who's blamed. Growing up much of the things I did was blamed on me too. No wonder many of us end up blaming ourselves all the time, or thinking we're crazy. I don't fully understand how anyone can be so lacking of self awareness all this time, but I trust that you are, Berry.

Just glad those memories' pain is lifting. I hope singing could help you heal, and I hope things would continue to work out for you too. I remember how you found it ironic that you enjoy singing in a Church even when you're not religious. I'm no longer Christian even though I grew up as one, but I still found those religious hymns pleasant and wonderful to hear. They pour their being and souls into these music, and I admire that about them.

Well take care.  :hug:

I went to church this morning too. Another long service but good. I remember now, I often spend much of Easter weekend in church because it does me good! Sometimes M breezed through. It was OK. I know she will be in church sometime this morning too. It's OK thinking about that. I'm not reaching out IRL but maybe via God or something. Which just means spiritually. No, I realise as I write. Not the same. Via God is different. God works as a buffer. Somebody to keep me safe, somebody to provide healing energy, light over the whole situation, but particularly a buffer between me and M, a protective energy.

"Spiritually" would be direct between our souls and it's way, way, way too early for that. Never say never, but still it's unlikely to ever happen that way - directly between our souls.

Going to church is something good I got from M. The way she introduced me wasn't especially good, the way she lived it was really not that inspiring, but it's fairly likely I wouldn't have reached out and tried a few churches as an adult if I hadn't been Christened and introduced to the general concept as a child.

Thanks for your words DR and I'm sorry you were blamed so much too.  :hug:

I like Berry as a nickname  :)

Quote from: DecimalRocket on April 01, 2018, 12:10:03 AM
I don't fully understand how anyone can be so lacking of self awareness all this time, but I trust that you are, Berry.

Do you mean here my FOO lacking self-awareness or me? I guess you mean me. It's hard to be aware of your 'real self' if it's never been shown to you, never been reflected back to you. Long ago in my healing process, two different men on different occasions hoped I'd meet the man who could show me who I am (this reflecting back, 'mirroring'), but I never have because that's too difficult for me. Relationships and stuff - that's an area I stay out of for reasons of self-protection. (These men - their wishes for me weren't wrong, they were fellow patients in inpatient treatment, it was good they didn't say "Let's get together, I'll heal you / we'll heal each other" but instead they spoke about a possibility for the future, but I'm not there yet.)   

It's maybe hard to be aware if you seem to have several selves. Ask me my opinion and sometimes I'll have several. The Adult in me thinks one thing and then various Inner Children and inner Teens ahve different ideas. sometimes they're closer to the mark than my Adult.

My Inn.Cr. might be very much at work behind the scenes on my self-awareness so that makes awareness of 'real self' difficult too. Am I seeing myself through my new, somewhat healed eyes?? Or through FOO eyes?

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 30, 2018, 10:15:18 PM
more furries in your life?  possibly?  wow, blueberry. 

Today during church service I had an image of a dead Little Furry. My last Little Furry who died. Atm I still can't bear the thought of another Little Furry dying. I have a lot of problem with death. My type of little furry lives about 6-8 years. It has been suggested I progress to Furries that live longer, but no, I'd want my type of little furry again. Possibly something in me still needs to heal? Maybe some pain?

In church today we got an Easter message on a piece of paper to take home. Some of that is about death, overcoming death, resurrection and other things I can't translate rn. The words are missing in my brain. I know them, but they've gone AWOL. I do believe my Little Furries go to some kind of heaven too. Why wouldn't they? But it's a terrible wrenching kind of pain for me when they leave this earth.

Added to that, often the feeling that I failed somehow. There are other people who take better care of their Little Furries. My care isn't bad but sometimes I don't quite live up to the expectations especially the weekly checkup. So then I feel bad if I don't notice something. But part of this wrenching pain is about not being able to save my Little Furries. Even the woman from the Little Furry rescue society didn't think I could have done anything more or better to save last little furry. But this cognitive stuff, it still doesn't really help.

These are useful realisations.

I've been reading my posts of the past week or so to write out the salient points and take to T tomorrow.  There's so much going on internally :cheer:  :thumbup: for me.

i'm really tired, that's all I can say. I'm moving forward, asking questions, researching, getting on with things. But tired, oh so tired.  :zzz:

I'm sooooo tired, again. I'm waiting for a client otherwise I'd be  :zzz: :zzz: in bed already.

It's certainly time for some self-care in the form of adequate sleep.

Hi Blueberry,
I hope you enjoy some restful sleep later.   :)
Hope  :)

I hope you managed to get some sleep, and that you're feeling more refreshed today.
You've worked really, really hard lately! It's no wonder you're tired :)

I feel a bit spaced out today. But last night I slept about 11 hours. I obviously needed it. I actually woke up after 8 hours and did some skin-lotioning. My feet and hands are often pretty in need of it. Then fell asleep again  :thumbup:

Thanks for reminding me I've worked hard recently Sceal. That's the sort of thing I don'T really notice for myself.

:)

Quote from: Blueberry on April 08, 2018, 05:22:12 PM
Thanks for reminding me I've worked hard recently Sceal. That's the sort of thing I don'T really notice for myself.
:)

I think we all need this reminder. I think we all tend to forget, oversee or ignore how much energy we spend on the most mundane and normal things. And often we expect to perform to the same level as those without extra struggles.  At least to my experience :)

 :yeahthat:

It is good to look back at your latest comments san and Sceal, thank you!!  :hug:

Yes, to the tendency to expect to perform to same level as others without these struggles. My T often gently reminds me not to expect this. I am getting a bit better though.

Expecting to perform to the same level - very appropriate to read this rn! I agreed to perform some contract work this evening of a type which is actually very, very difficult. I feel somewhat dissociated (with fear, rising panic) already. I realised a few hours ago that it is because of the unpredictability of the job for which I have to be prepared as best possible and still have to make last minute changes. I have to think all the time basically, never a break.

I feel as if I'm freezing internally. I will get through somehow, but it's good for me to also consider if I couldn't decline such work. Is the money worth feeling this bad? I guess I'll know better at the end of the evening.

I'm taking a break from moderating today. That's beneficial for giving me a break and also for realising how much I lean on the forum here, how much it means to me to be doing 'something useful' even though it sometimes really exhausts me. This is something for me to consider, it's not a criticism of anybody on here.

Something else: I didn't know where to write this so decided it's beneficial for me just to write it here and not tax my brain any further.

Today I feel ashamed when I see how many posts I've made on this forum. Yes, I know I respond to lots of other people's posts, so that's part of it. But if you look on the Employment board most of the newish threads were started by me.

Hi Blueberry,
I just wanted to say that I think you're brave and you're courageous too - and I am so glad that you have started new posts, because it's beneficial to all of us to see your posts and how you think about things and share your experiences, and I hope that it is beneficial and constructive to you to post - I've not noticed any particular frequency to it, but I am just grateful to you for being here. 

I just wanted to say that and also to extend a hug to you Blueberry  :hug:, if that's ok. 

Hope  :)

Quote from: Blueberry on April 10, 2018, 04:06:21 PM
Something else: I didn't know where to write this so decided it's beneficial for me just to write it here and not tax my brain any further.

Today I feel ashamed when I see how many posts I've made on this forum. Yes, I know I respond to lots of other people's posts, so that's part of it. But if you look on the Employment board most of the newish threads were started by me.

I have the same feeling as you. Just wanted to let you know I'm right here with you.
:hug: if it's okay?

i'm with them, b, and with you on this.  i'm just glad you're here, i appreciate your posts, your insight, your perspective, your perceptions - all that good stuff that comes from you.   you're great.

good luck with your new contract.  i hope it goes smoothly for you.  love and hugs, sweetie.

Thank you so much Hope, Sceal and san for your honest and kind answers and your hugs. Hugs are always great from all of you.

I survived my contract job this evening, san. People said I did well and thanked me for it but I can't tell that when i'm doing it, I just notice when I'm faltering or pausing or having other difficulties. I notice when I'm not perfect, to put it in a nutshell.

Today I'm noticing how good it is to have a brief break from moderating. It's good to let the forum look after itself / let the other mods deal. I'm hardly responding to other people's posts, thinking more about myself and just generally doing other things. I did get out of bed eventually even without having forum duty!

________________________

On the topic of shame about 'too many posts' - just honestly writing that I felt ashamed quite quickly helped me not to feel shame. So good for me to know, though I do already actually  ;) Expressing the feeling and being acknowledged in and with it is helpful!

It's interesting that you feel ashamed for the same reason Sceal because I never noticed you posting 'too much' at all and as Mod I'd be more likely to notice than the other way round! Just because as Mod you regularly check the whole board, from above bird's eye view, you don't read everything. But you'd think I'd notice if somebody other than me was overposting. No. Didn't occur to me in the slightest. And you're not, Sceal, don't worry.

So for me it means it's an EF. I can imagine where it comes from, roughly. Don't want to go into any memory. Oh, it's the topic of taking up too much space and/or making myself potentially noticeable combined with "I'm not allowed to make a mistake." But that's nonsense! I am allowed to make mistakes!

yes, you are, my dear.  and i'm so glad that writing it out actually helped all by itself.  i love it when it works like that.

keep taking care of you.  you're number one, after all.  love and hugs.

I remember writing here somewhere about taking up my own space e.g. the space outside my office, instead of letting everybody else in the building store junk there. Today I came out of my office to see my 2 chairs which are clearly marked as 'waiting area' for my customers piled on top of each other, so not usable, to make way for an old fridge.  I did feel annoyed and that was physically apparent to me. I've since moved one chair so the other one can be used.

Otherwise I decided to take a few deep breaths and calm down those annoyed feelings. Since I'm moving my office back into my apartment in the next few months this is a battle I don't feel like dealing with any more.

There's another battle, but not external. The other battle is making usable space for me inside my apartment. It's really difficult for me to make space among all my piles and then to keep the space free so I can do things there. Sit on a chair, work at the table etc.

Quote from: Blueberry on April 12, 2018, 01:40:52 PM
There's another battle, but not external. The other battle is making usable space for me inside my apartment.

I noticed that this space battle is not in the least related to the other space one. So it doesn't help me to drop the space-in-house battle to have energy for space-in-apartment battle. Doesn't work that way. I'm still dropping the space-in-house battle but doesn't mean I get any further with space-in-apartment battle. I really really need to though since I'll be moving my office space back into apartment. I need to make room for office and I'll need to do quite a bit of re-arranging. I have till July to do it. But some stuff - the earlier I do it, the better. Like taking stuff I no longer need to charity shops. Part of me wants to do a clear out: just get rid of stuff!! And part of me doesn't. So I suppose it might help to work with the reluctant part, see what's behind it.

The next beneficial and constructive thing would be to finally write an email to a friend explaining why I haven't been contacting her recently, or maybe not so much explaining as saying: we ahve to talk, but via email. I have a lot of trouble standing up for myself, especially in conversations.

That's no huge surprise. FOO most usually shouted me down or told me how stupid I was or that they couldn't talk sensibly with me since I was crying whenever I tried to broach any difficult subject about their or B1's treatment of me, but they would sometimes hear me if I wrote them a letter. That was when we lived in the same house. I was a teenager.

Writing on here that I'm about to go and do this or that is quite a good tool! Because I actually go and do it! I've finally written an email to the friend I mentioned. I haven't sent it yet because waiting a day is often good I think, just in case I decide to soften or re-word something. But I've set it in motion!

 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Thanks DR!
________________________

I sent the email and wrote about that over in a Friends thread.

Further beneficial and constructive activity today: I wrote down what all I could be doing instead of eating or going back to bed, as has been my habit the past few days. I have a whole page full on a piece of paper that is bigger than A4 size tho I'm not sure what size exactly. A large proportion of it has to do with clearing stuff out. It's easier for me if I break that down into little bits. So I did. Bits of xy to one particular charity, something else to someone else. Once I get going clearing stuff out, I think I will be able to let go of more and more. It's good for me to write these things down. I hadn't realised how much clearing out I'm actually prepared to do. The sooner I start with that the better.

Further beneficial activity: weeding and particularly sowing various flower seeds in garden. It's beneficial because going outside and working with my hands does me good. Helping things grow, seeing what's blooming already, watching bumble bees and birds flying around and looking for sustenance all does me good. Even deciding that I can cut back some flowering plants, which are spreading too much and crowding others out. I used not to be able to do that for an emotional reason I can't quite verbalise rn. But I notice it's a step forward. Some blockage is de-blocked for now.

It would be beneficial if I turn off PC now and go and move to music a bit. That helps me ground myself, bring myself back from half-numbness. Then I can come back on here for a bit. I suppose it's beneficial to notice how deep this "I'm not allowed to defend myself, other peoples' needs are more important than my own" sits.

Quote from: Blueberry on April 15, 2018, 05:46:37 PM
Once I get going clearing stuff out, I think I will be able to let go of more and more. It's good for me to write these things down. I hadn't realised how much clearing out I'm actually prepared to do. The sooner I start with that the better.

Hi Blueberry,
Just wanted to say that I think it's great that you've achieved so many things today, and in particular coping with the process of clearing stuff out - I really need to take a leaf out of your book, as I keep procrastinating so much regarding this - and I hope to do better this week, going forward.

I hope that you've already turned off your pc, and that you're enjoying dancing to music, as per your plan - and well done for defending yourself with your E-mail that you sent to your friend.    I hope that's not in anyway triggering to you for me to wish you that, as I know there are some words that you said trigger you - and I'm not sure if I remember what they were, but I did want to say well done, as I admire the fact you did that.

Hope  :)

Thanks, Hope. I haven't actually really started with the clear-out, unless you count sowing seeds. Maybe we'll both manage to get on with it this coming week?

I also noted that there's part of me that wants to do a clear-out and part not. I was thinking of doing some Screen Processing or maybe allowing that part do say 'why not'. Except I keep thinking of M so I don't think I should allow that part to speak. Screen Processing could be good though to try and get the influence from M out of my emotions on this point.

I'm writing here then getting up to move to music. seems to work better than just moving with pc off. Maybe I need to feel support from forum?

Don't worry, no words you are using are triggering me. I'd like to say don't worry about that when you post. I think I'm generally getting less triggered on here by odd words, or if I do get triggered I'm better at sorting the situation out.

Quote from: Blueberry on April 15, 2018, 07:33:02 PM
I also noted that there's part of me that wants to do a clear-out and part not. I was thinking of doing some Screen Processing or maybe allowing that part do say 'why not'. Except I keep thinking of M so I don't think I should allow that part to speak. Screen Processing could be good though to try and get the influence from M out of my emotions on this point.

Hi again Blueberry, I think this is really interesting what you wrote here - and I think it could be key to knowing why 'we' (a person/people) might procrastinate or not manage to actually do/complete a task etc.  Maybe it is about the intention, or motivation, or what it means to different parts of a person, and whether there's internal conflict between parts - which means it can hamper the progress with any one thing or things.

When you mention the Screen processing - I realise that I have meant to look up how you do that, as I think it sounds like a very valuable process - and yet some part of me ends up making me 'forget' to do that, or even where you've put that information, and that is interesting too.

Sorry - don't mean to hijack your journal here, but I am very interested in your process there. I hope we both get to accomplish anything/whatever we hope to accomplish this week.

Hope  :)

Hope, I see your post here as a comment and what it made you think of rather than a hijack. No worries. I sometimes comment on your threads too including your Journal.

i've started doing my clear-out. Started making different piles.

What's the beneficial and constructive thing I could do for me atm?  :blowup:


OK now that I got that out of my system. No actually just thinking of it 15 minutes or so ago helped. So I finally stopped playing Patience, which had got me as far as asking myself what's up and then what could be a beneficial and constructive thing to do, more b. and c. than playing Patience.  :blowup:

One interpretation of this: allow self to play Patience! It's a form of sorting on table which seems to help sorting in head and feelings, even if I need to play 4 or 5 rounds. I have nice packs too - one with a different N. Am. tree on each card and one with a different N. Am. animal. Sometimes feel more like animals, sometimes more like plants. One thing I remember last time I was in inpatient T, the therapists were always going on about not judging self. That probably means shutting ICr. up, not allowing ICr. to mumble on about 'wasting time' and 'should be in garden, it's nice weather'. Once I allowed myself to picture the blowup smiley, I stopped playing and took care of my seedlings on window ledge and went down into garden to water some of my seeds there. All b. and c.

That's a pretty constructive thing to do, Blueberry. Sometimes the tasks we choose aren't what makes us the happiest then when we need to relax. Sometimes something like drawing logos or trying to hack a site (that the owner of the site had permission to allow, of course.  Hackers = all bad = stereotype.) tends to fulfill my need for my need for confidence that I can learn something new much more than . . . say Netflix. Other times I want something less challenging to fully relax, and maybe something like music, meditation or *, even Netflix is a good idea.

We know our needs best, and it's a wonderful thing to be aware of them.  :applause:

Thanks DR, you're right! Some times I just need something really laid back, easy.

Today I'm a bit sickly with coming cold symptoms. Lovely weather too, sunny and warm. Go figure. It's often a sign that everything is too much so I cancelled more or less everything and am spending a bit of time resting and sleeping.

I feel like an imposter though. 

I wrote over on the Employment section about starting a little job as an employee this week, only I didn't. I got sick instead which is my way of telling myself something is too much. Now I feel as if there is all sorts of repercussions, mostly in me as opposed to coming from anyone else.

The major drawback is getting there: 15 km each way through hilly terrain by bike. I was only going to do it for a couple of months, and once a week but probably even that is too much. I bike to the farm too but it's not quite as far, I know the route well (which makes a difference somehow) and it's not as hilly. Also I know the people at the farm. At this new little job, everything and everybody would have been new. I still feel I should have tried it, I should have stuck it out. Oops there's that "should" again.

It's really nice weather, really warm and sunny. I did a little gardening and a little grazing of weeds while I was about it. I also picked a bunch of edibles for Little Furry Creatures. Which is slightly nonsensical because now I need to find some Little Furries who could do with these. Quite frankly, the go-back-to-bed impulse is pretty strong. Picking for Little Furries was working against that. I kept going for years for my Little Furries so that's not really so surprising. The local Little Furry Animal Shelter would be very pleased but they're quite a long bike ride the other direction, though not as hilly.

I also allowed myself to just sit in the garden and do a crossword. I then tried to write my paper journal but I blocked, brain-block, couldn't write.

I'm also meant to be finishing my latest spot of contract work, at least to the stage where a freelance colleague can takeover for me

blueberry, even with the spits and spurts of this and that, these past several days sound incredibly productive to me.  i'm so very glad it's helped you to write everything down, sit and think, utilize patience and crossword puzzles as a means to give your brain a rest - all of it.  very impressive.

if you're getting sick, maybe going to bed is a good idea.  a little rest after all that brain drain. 

such forward movement - it's easily noticed by me.  i give you so much credit.  well done, sweetie.  love and hugs.

 :fallingbricks: today. Tho I feel it's my own fault. I could be doing things to help myself. Oh, I recognise "own fault" as a FOO-ism and not particularly helpful.

it will come in its time, space, and place.  i know you recognize where that's coming from.  still, it sucks to hear it in your head, feel it in your body.  sending love and hugs, sweetie. 

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 20, 2018, 04:09:13 PM
such forward movement - it's easily noticed by me.  i give you so much credit.  well done, sweetie.  love and hugs.

Thanks so much for this san as well as your post from today. Other people, at least on here, tend to see forward movement when I don't.

I'm seesawing between playing Patience and coming on here and thinking in between i ought to be getting on wiht something useful.

You're right san too - it will come in its tme, space and place. My journey has showed me that again and again. Even steps that seem to be the correct way forward because they lead to other forward steps, healthy impulses, realisations etc are not always the correct steps rn. They may have to wait a while. I may need to re-think and re-feel.  :hug: :hug:

Reading and answering other peoples' posts seems helpful atm, so I'm allowing it instead of telling myself I "should" be doing this and that. Not that "should" or "ought to" is very helpful for me ever.

In 2 weeks I'll be at one of those therapy retreats I sometimes go on. Just a couple of weeks ago I was wondering why I was going, now it's pretty obvious I could do with one, so good timing! I registered a couple of months ago since they tend to be booked up fast.

I really think I've been expecting too much of myself recently. Putting the cart before the horse kind of thing. It seemed a good idea to move my business back into my apartment but I think now maybe I should keep that in mind and keep working on steps that will help with that e.g. clearing out and more particularly allowing myself to try getting a very P/T employed job while keeping my freelance business space and see how that works out. So as not to pull out the rug from under my own feet? Something I'm pretty practised at.

When I try to do too many things at once, I tend to destabilise and give everything up. Good to accept this too as part of CPTSD in my case. I'm moving forwards in all sorts of small ways in multiple aspects of life instead of managing huge steps in one area. Maybe have to accept that that is just the way I heal and move forwards?

Long ago I expressed the opinion that I'd be healed pretty much once I was back in the normal workforce, or back earning enough to live off. I mean, back working would be a sign of healing. I'd really like to be there, but again possibly I'm just expecting too much from myself atm. Because some Ts and docs used to say: it's time you got back to work, then you can work on all those other problems. But actually they doN't say that any more. I've found better help since then.

I get it. I'm in the Depressive phase of Grief. Grieving various FOO things again. well, a new round of grieving.

I've been re-reading old emails on everyting from Little Furries to stuff from old therapists, with helpful reminders.

I hope the retreat will help you with your depressive phase, and that it will give you room to grieve and give you more clarity for how to best move forward for YOU.

I can relate to "should" and "ought to" being the oposite of helpful, it underlines guilt and shame. Though I find it difficult to avoid them, or change the narrative of the sentence.

a gentle  :hug: , if it's okay?

Tahnks Sceal! Hugs are great. Yes, guilt and shame, not so useful.

I'm doing better today. Allowed myself to do whatever I wanted to, avoiding 'should' etc. Spent most of day in garden, though also spent a little time with baby from next door. I find most babies work as little anti-depressants. When there are difficulties, you give them back to their parents, cuz that's where they want to go anyway when hungry, tired etc.

Blueberry, glad you feel better!
Know those Days full of grief. I feel that it leaks unfiltered and thats tough to deal with.
:hug:

Thx Shankara! Actually I was so stuck in depression I didn't feel the grief. Just reading about the different phases of grieving over on OOTF reminded me of what was going on.
______________________________________________________

Deep breaths to calm down a bit. Got an email a few minutes ago and the content makes me boiling mad. Good to address it, yes, but in a somewhat calmer state. It's a business thing, not FOO-related or anything. Just coming onto OOTS helped me calm down instantly.  :)

Writing in here is beneficial, even if the content isn't. I'm all kind of jittery. My evening client cancelled at short notice which is OK in his case. But still I feel that today wasn't very successful work-wise, just when I'd decided to give it a bit more of a try.  :fallingbricks: Just feel like using that emoticon tho I think that the occasion shouldn't warrant it.  :aaauuugh: there's that "should" again.

Quote from: Blueberry on April 20, 2018, 03:56:43 PM
I wrote over on the Employment section about starting a little job as an employee this week, only I didn't. I got sick instead which is my way of telling myself something is too much.

When I phoned them to cancel, they asked which day I could come this week instead. I didn't have my agenda to hand but offerred Mon. but they couldn't because they're not open Mondays, and so they asked about Tues. I agreed and saw just after that, Noooo, I can't actually. Normally I would be able to Tues. morning but this week, no.

Then I felt really bad about not phoning to tell them that. They're relying on me to come tomorrow and I won't be. It's actually a particular cleaning job that they haven't done for weeks and weeks themselves (one of them has burn-out, the other no time), so it's not as if their business day is going to fall apart without me.

Today I realised that I didn't phone back immediately because I felt too awful psychologically-speaking. Not phoning back was health-related, I really couldn't face it. I might have managed an email, but they don't have an email address. Today I would have managed to phone but they're not open today. At times like this I realise that there's a real reason for my disability status. A lot of work  is very difficult for me on the normal job market as are different aspects of holding down a job or even starting one. Or I could possibly have pushed myself to do it, then collapsed totally. Been there, done that. So not doing so is actually healthy, a step forwards. But pretty incomprehensible for normal working people on the normal job market.

Oh Berry, I understand what you mean by people not being understanding on the exhaustion lots of us have over our issues, and I give you a lot of credit for taking it easy on yourself. You can't do everything on your own, and that's okay. It takes a lot of trust to believe in our own selves after what many of us went through, so what else can I say? That's awesome. :cheer:

Thanks DR  ;D

 :hug: to you, Blueberry.
Hope  :)

Thanks Hope  :)

_________________________

Today though really tired I decided to go to choir practice. Although I basically mouthed along rather than singing, I still felt some of the voice effects on my body especially breathing / torso. That was good. And I also whisper-sang the words to myself and listened to the tunes, all beneficial.

On the way home I thought I have piles of stuff, well, piling up and i'm just putting it off. But then I remembered and also read in here comments from others saying there's probably a reason for that. A self-protective mechanism. I feel as if I'm procrastinating rather than getting on, but also remember recently assuring somebody else on here that these are mechanisms we often learnt early in FOO and although it's good to learn new ways, we don't always manage. So NTS: this applies to Young Blueberries too!

On the way to choir practice at least felt what I want in a particular situation, so NTS it can be good to go outside into fresh air and move body a bit (walk, ride bike) in order to answer own question! I actually know this but I sometimes forget.

I am glad to hear that you managed to take care of your health before a work-relation! It's so hard to prioritize ourselves sometimes!

Glad to hear that you managed to take care of yourself too. :)

Thanks DR  :)

________________________________________

Today I tried out that little job and although I feel really tired now, I felt while doing it that I was doing well. So that was a pleasant surprise! ICr was silent. ;D   I'll write more over on Employment.

I was surprised too that it didn't take me as long to get there as I'd imagined and even less to come home. Home - just 1 hour and 10 minutes. I'd imagined at least 1 hr and 30, and I thought it might take me almost 2 hours on the way. This is significant because I'm gettign there under my own steam - by bike and there are lots of hills up and down and up! Bus connections are very bad out there.

I'm glad to hear you're doing it at your own pace, and that you are able to congratulate yourself with this.
Biking up hill is very hard! I too live in a very mountainous area, I am not able to bike, but walking them is tiresome. So colour me impressed! :)

Quote from further up this thread
« Reply #35 on: February 01, 2018, 12:27:49 AM »
1) Beneficial: start reading Pete Walker's "The Tao of Fully Feeling" and "Surviving To Thriving", as well as Christine Lawson's "The Borderline Mother"
Constructive step: Order all three.

2)  Beneficial: Healing retreats and art therapy days. Much more important atm than holiday later in year.
Constructive steps: Don't plan holiday as such. Register for min. one healing retreat or several art therapy days before May. Preferably by March in fact, maybe even Feb.

Start with 2)    Next week I'm going on a 3 day healing retreat, so I made it by beginning of May - close enough. I registered quite a while back. I haven't planned any holidays, days off, yes. I'm thinking about one in August too. So it's good to note again that I wrote this was constructive and beneficial.

1) I ordered all 3 in Feb. "The Tao of.." can't be ordered from here for some reason and "From surviving to Thriving" will take up to 6 months to deliver. Why?  :Idunno: I know I can read it online but I prefer a book in my hands and I don't like that dark blue in the online version! Puts me off reading. But yesterday I was able to collect the Borderline Mother book. Oh, man, is it ever on target!! I may start a separate discussion thread on it, just not rn.

Hi Blueberry,
It's great that you've found the Borderline Mother book to be useful so far.  I've not read that one.  Wonder why the other books are taking so long to be delivered - that is a long time! 
:hug: to you.
Hope  :)

I came back home this afternoon from visiting friends for a long weekend. There are children in the family including my godson. I actually felt quite energetic there by today and still felt energetic on the way home but now I notice how exhausted I am as well and I think because there's also this feeling as if I'm going to go crazy or blow a fuse quite soon that a few Inner Children have been neglected. That's what happens when I'm with real children. I have to be the adult, be in charge, and also allow real live children to be children, to act like them. Full of beans and leaping around and expecting me to be as quick and capable as their own parents, and I'm not.

I don't want to be like my parents and I'm not actually. But when dealing with children some of what I grew up with comes out a bit. Sometimes I'm more authoritative in situations where it's unexpected for the child. Basically due to my own stress. "No, we agreed that we are stopping NOW and going home." Whereas actually the youngest child hadn't agreed on anything. So I notice me repeating this behaviour: the adult decides and the children have to follow along with it. There is a time and place for that but not all over the place. If you want to bring children up to be less emotionally disturbed than me, you do have to change a lot of thought patterns and the way you deal with children.

My own stress in that situation was realising that my energy was giving out and knowing we still ahd to get home by bike and then prepare supper and do a bunch of other things. Then on the way home by bike, we were made to stop halfway up a hill by the youngest. He wanted to show me something but I didn't even understand what he was trying to tell me.

And as I write this all out my ICr is having a field day as usual: how pathetic and laughable etc etc  but now that I'm attempting to feel and sense what's underneath that, then I can feel a tiny bit of compassion for myself, or at least I did briefly. But mostly it's ICr with the usual "if you weren't so fat, stupid, bad..... then this that and the other wouldn't happen and you wouldn't be such a burden etc".

I'm not looking for any advice on this type of situation, it's just good to be able to write it somewhere and come to my conclusions as I write. At the end of this week I'll be in 2 1/2 days of intensive group therapy and I'm noticing yet again that I really need it! It's high time.

On sunday I came on here a second time to moderate though I thought I wouldn't have the opportunity, so now it would be really good for me to log out and allow the forum to moderate itself for the rest of the day. Just take a break and assume everyting will go fine and if it doesn't, well, not the end of the world.

I have taken a little time for myself since last post, doing some household tasks but also swaying to music and even singing with it for a bit. Helps me sort out things. Apparently swaying is calming.

I realised that I've burdened myself with too much again. Something has to give, as in I need to drop some activity. Usually what happens is I do all the things I promised other people and not things for me, including self-care. At the same time, it's often easier for me to do things for other people. Somehow it's easier to motivate myself but that's probably a result of the emotional trauma I went through from early childhood onwards too. As I've mentioned here somewhere before the 'easy' explanation people, esp. 12 Step people in my country, give is: "you're codependent, you're addicted to helping people." I suppose you can could see it that way, but the explanation doesn't help me.

So my eureka moment this evening is: other people more in tune with their own needs would turn down volunteering this evening! They would say "sorry, I'm sick, / too exhausted". And me, even though I have a disability pension alongside some types of low-paid work where I often really struggle (See Employment Board) tend to force myself to go through with what I promised to do.

Same on here too. I'm not stopping being a Mod. This Board is a life-saver for me and I write super-long posts almost daily so I figure I can help in return to make up for those long posts by reading other members' posts  ;) but while writing that I realise my general mind-set is: Excuse me for taking up space, excuse me for living, excuse me for being a burden - let me help me out so that I'm not such a burden.

Volunteering tonight is slightly different - it's helping friends who helped me recently with some technical stuff. I couldn't even think of a company I could pay to help me with it. Otherwise I might have gone that route too. So here I am, on the verge of exhaustion 'paying back' through work. Well, at least this is a realisation. Might be easier to turn down another time. Or even tonight. I'll go and check it out.

NTS for another time: don't go away over the weekend and then expect big things of self the first evening back home. It's too much!

Cycling up the road (max. 10 minute ride) showed me that I'm in no position to do any volunteer work tonight. I need to do some self-care. So I said 'hello' and 'no way' and came home again. It was really easy! Nobody gave me any stress or hassle, they said there were enough people anyway, did I want to have a seat and a tea? But I preferred to come home.

:applause: to self for self-care. Now I'm listening to some children's music while I write this. Often helpful when ICs are involved.

I'm also re-thinking my plans for tomorrow, just so I'll take it easier in general.

Your post touched me deeply, Blueberry.
You're touching upon some things that I'm currently working on too - and it's helpful to read your insights and also to know I'm not fully alone in figuring it out.
Especially the part of setting boundaries, knowing when to do self-care and the line of thoughts of "excuse me for taking up space, what can I do to be less of a burden?".
I just wanted to share that, so you know you're not alone in figuring this particular issue too.

sounds like great progress with self-care and self-awareness.  good for you.  keep going - you're doing great.  love and hugs.

Thanks for sharing that Sceal and for dropping by and seeing my progress, san.

_____________________________

Now I know what I wanted to write earlier today. I was reading that you can send your ICr a letter. I know how that would go: Dear ICr, Blank.

Just like a wall in front of me and me with no idea what to say further, not even feeling anything. This is the way it used to be with Recovery Letters on here to FOO. Not any more. That's progress. And so I also believe sooner or later I'll be able to write letters to ICr and not blank.

i believe it as well, sweetie.  here's to progress!   :applause:

 :applause: :applause: :applause:

Based on my reactions today, the healing retreat was beneficial! When I got back yesterday I wasn't feeling that quite yet, but today I started getting on with all sorts of bits and pieces, with a real will rather than reluctantly and giving up and then re-starting and giving up again etc and/or needing a break pretty regularly.

I got on with trying on clothing to see if the pieces still fit. Most on that stack didn't and now I've sorted them into a few separate stacks of give-away. I know, i could try and sell some in 2nd-hand stores but that's pretty tricky here so I'm telling myself it makes much more sense to get them out of my apartment as fast as possible and give away where they're needed instead of trying to earn a few coins. Beneficial/constructive - more space!! I feel like space is a very basic thing I need atm in order to be able to put other plans in motion. Now I can actually sit on 1 out of 3 living-room seats.  :cheer:

I did some cleaning  :cheer:   I also took 2 items of clothing to the alterations' tailor.

I picked a couple of bag loads of lovely, delicious garden grass and weeds for Little Furry Creatures to be collected by the woman who runs Little Furries Animal Shelter. I then mentioned to her that if she knows of any Little Furries needing a holiday home for a couple of weeks from time to time, I'd be happy to do that. She intimated that she's likely to take me up on the offer and she may even have two Little Furries for me in a week until the end of the month  ;D  Win-win. I'd get healthy Little Furries from time to time (no huge effort with medication and no vet bills) to talk to and watch and give garden treats to and then I'd get a break again.

It's really, really nice weather so I made sure I was out in the garden quite a bit too. Hanging out laundry and especially grazing on edible weeds myself and clearing some more space to plant out the stuff I've been growing on the window-ledge for a while. That'll make some more space in my apartment too.  :)

Welcome back, Blueberry - I missed you!  It's lovely to read your post here, and especially that you're going to have some little Furries to look after from time to time, that sounds like a 'win-win' for sure.  Glad also that you are making progress with your sorting out of stuff.   :cheer:
Hope :)

Thanks for saying you missed me, Hope. I'm really touched.  :hug: It's really incredible on this forum that people you've never seen or heard IRL come to be like dear friends you miss.

_____________________________________________

Today I took my courage in my hands when I saw my landlord and asked him about the extraneous stuff in the area outside my office and he moved it immediately and spoke to the tenant he assumed it belonged to. My landlord agreed that that stuff has no business in my space and agreed with my sign on the wall to this end! The previous owner of the building used to blame me for wanting my own space. A T said he was acting like a parent who wouldn't be one, a parent who'd tell the kids to sort their own stuff out and he didn't care. No wonder it used to trigger me.

*** TW physical violence ***
I have a picture in my head of B1 with two friends in tow pushing me about. I got hurt and F came in the room. He didn't care, he told me gruffly to stop making a fuss, and didn't want to hear what happened. He was busy. Cue laughter from B1 and friends.
My memory is a bit dim, but it seems my leg was wrenched up and I was frightened of hitting the window ledge with my head on the way down. I didn't, but as usual B1 didn't have that in control. No word from F to B1 about not using violence.
I'm not feeling into the memory, and I'd say that's good for me atm.

*** End TW ***

And then I took my courage further and asked my landlord if he'd take a look in my apartment and see how I'd divide it up to move my business space back in there to save rent. He had a look, said it would be difficult, kind of pricey and would cut a lot of light out of my main room. I explained about being chronically unwell on a small disability pension, that's why the rent on the office is difficult for me to cover. So he said he'll look into lowering my rent in the office, maybe even in apartment too. I know he has to speak to his partner first. But still it's a great idea and I'm sure it means I will get a reduced rent.  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

 :cheer: :cheer: on your successful outcome with your Landlord. 

I agree it is incredible that people you've never seen or heard become like dear friends you miss.   :hug:

Hope  :)

In light of the above (under TW physical violence), it's not surprising that I momentarily forgot to breathe and got antsy when I saw the husband of the tenant who put that old fridge in the space outside my office. It's from the other business on the same floor as me and the husband is usually only there early morning and evening. So even with the landlord obviously on my side, I mean it will be obvious to the other business tenant and her husband, the fridge having been moved is still worrying for me.  Though it shouldn't be at all! I wasn't the one in the wrong. 

It's an EF of course. Little Blueberries haven't realised that there's now somebody on our side. It's no longer a father telling me off for objecting to someone going over my boundaries and letting those going over do so with impunity. It's a landlord telling me that my objection is perfectly reasonable and going to talk to the other party immediately as well as removing the offending object himself.

As usual it's not till I write about it that I notice what's going on: EF. And what I need to do about it: explain to Little Blueberries in childspeak. A bit later: well I tried to do so, but it's not really getting 'through'. No emotions, I feel nothing, I can't even feel any Little Blueberries. So I'll try again some other time, maybe I even need to do Screen Processing.  :yes:

Safe hugs to your Little Blueberries.   :hug:   :hug:   :hug:

Hope  :)

Thanks Hope! They probably need your safe hugs today too. In fact I'm sure they do.

__________________
I woke up today with all sorts of things buzzing in my brain, about FOO denial and an instance of sexual harrassment done to me by someone outside FOO, and a Recovery Letter I wanted to write. Well, I will get on with these sometime on here.

But it's also good to take a break! I will now head over to a friend's where I can have a nice long relaxing bath.  :) Also soak the remains of any dust off.

Hey glad you're tasking some time for yourself, Berry. Glad to hear about making a pretty good negotiation with your landlord for less pay. He seems nice, and I can relate. Sometimes I unintentionally project my flashbacks toward people who clearly intend no harm, but I guess we're doing our best.

:hug:

Yes, we're doing our best!

I feel a bit tired physically today. I'm actually meant to be on my way to work but don't feel up to the ride which is a sign that I shouldn't be volunteering to go twice a week. Just once a week is enough including the bike ride of 14 km each way, with hills. Though on MOn. I could try and combine the trip with my route to the farm. First farm for a couple of hours, then onto other job. Quite soon it'll definitely be once a week only anyway.

My gut feels as if there's this murky brew sloshing around in it. Not very conducive to cycling. otoh cycling might help.  ;)
I've had this murky brew feeling before.

hey, blueberry,  congrats for taking your courage in hand and congrats to your landlord for being a reasonable person, flexible enough to make some changes in your favor.  sounds like a win-win to me.  i'm really glad for you, especially because you've got someone on your side in this now.  yay!

those memories, i think, can stir stuff up at levels we're not even aware of, maybe even cellular.  i'm just so glad you were able to write about it, discover the ef aspect of it, and finally know what was going on for you.  well done, sweetie.  plus, good on ya for knowing your limitations.  excellent work.  love and hugs to you.

It's okay to rest when you need it, Berry.

Take care.  :hug:

It sounds as if you've done alot of progress lately.
From talking to your landlord, realizing you're in an EF and trying to talk to the Little ones about it to making desicions about work and how much you should push yourself to when you need more time to rest.
I find that it's sometimes hard to acknowledge and remember the progress I've made, but I hope you'll hang on to these for a while and that maybe they will help you to continue to make progress.

Sending you friendly and happy thoughts!  :hug:

Thanks san, DR, Sceal  :)

I hopped on a bus a bit later today with my bike. Not all rural buses will take a bike. It's hit and miss. The one an hour later might not have. But this one did, and the driver didn't even charge extra for my bike though he's meant to. Then I just had to cycle the last 3-4 km. Very beneficial  ;D

Work went well. Atm it's a trial period but the employer mentioned she'll register me properly with the authorities in June so sounds as if she wants to keep me, is pleased enough.

Yes, I am making a lot of progress atm  :cheer: and I do feel it myself too  :)

I really feel happy today, contented. And I also feel the progress I'm making in all sorts of different ways all at once.

I applied for a second small job today. It's a type of work I've done before, albeit a good number of years ago. I tried it last year too for a different company. It didn't work, but that was actually partly the company's fault. They didn't teach me the work while things were slow, they just threw me in at the deep end and I struggled with an EF for about 3 hours, then gave up.

It's good progress that I'm trying again with a different company than last year. Up until a few weeks ago I wouldn't have dared. Maybe it's even on account of the new little job I started a couple of weeks ago that I feel up to trying an additional one. This one is very close by: 3 minutes walking, maximum.   :)

I spent a lot of the day working in the garden. Now I need to go and deal with those fresh greens and flowers I harvested.

My apartment is complete and utter chaos however.  :thumbdown: But that's the way it is, there's always some part of life I don't get together when I'm making improvements in other areas.

Another good thing atm is I'm eating more healthily. Higher nutritional value  :) and cooking from scratch, which is cheaper too. Almost everything I ate today came out of the garden or from the farm. That always makes me feel good.  :)

wowser, blueberry.  things sound like they're rolling along quite smoothly right now.  congrats to you for the progress you're making work-wise, eating-wise, and whatever else-wise.  it's so great! 

i know the feeling of progress in one area, chaos in another.  my space has often taken the hit as i've moved along in other areas.  i just knew that whatever i've needed to do there, it would wait for me, no judgment allowed. 

keep going, sweetie.  i'm very happy for you.  love and hugs.

Thanks san  :)  :hug:  It's good to read all that this morning and realise it's true. Even though I've had a little down-turn today.

whatever else-wise: the impulse to pull my hair out is much reduced! Not because I did any direct work on it, but just because... because that's where I am in my process of healing. Probably something during the healing retreat helped.

Hi Blueberry,
Just wanted to say that it's great to hear that something in the Healing Retreat helped you - and it's great to hear that your impulse to pull your hair out is much reduced.  That is progress  :cheer:

I also saw that you wrote somewhere else that you are due to collect some Furries tomorrow, for a few weeks - so exciting!  I bet you can't wait! 

Hope  :)

Thanks Hope  :hug:
Yes, 2 Furries are being delivered tomorrow. I'm happy!

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Just feel like noting for myself that I've had ear-ache all day, which is often a sign that something is too much. Probably that second job I inquired about. Certainly not the Furries!

My posts are piling up. I see the counter and think omg why do I write so much??

Anyway, this is my go-to place when things are hard. Haven't finished my contract job. Well, I said I'd finish this evening though not needed till tomorrow. But tomorrow morning I'm working at my little 3 hour / week job. My non-freelance work. So that's why I need to finish contract tonight. Do a sentence or two, then distract myself, then get back to it.

I am making progress and it's particularly good for me atm to just observe how I'm coping work-wise. But none of this is easy.

i, too, want to commend you on the reduction of your hair-pulling urges.  that speaks volumes about your ongoing recovery progress, sweetie.  and so happy for you that you'll have some new little furries in your life.  yay!

always remember, it's ok to go slow.  yep, our bodies will often slow us down when we don't do it for ourselves.  i hope that earache goes away soon.  they are definitely no fun.

well done, blueberry.  love and hugs.

Famous last words, san. As I'm doing a contract job, bit by bit, taking huge breaks in between sentences, I'm self-soothing by running fingers through my hair. Not pulling yet, but running fingers through is a danger sign. It's useful to note that doing my harder profession is, well, really hard emotionally - triggering SH and food addiction and go-back-to-bed-itis. Although on the positive side, lack of impulse was there, it can come again.

My earache has gone, thanks. It was presumably a warning of sorts.

Ha, I can go and check on the Little Furries, and then come back to this $%!§ job. (I did agree to do it though and it's not as if my new little non-freelance job is particularly easy with a 14 km bike ride one way to get there.)  :aaauuugh:

I phoned my employer to postpone till Friday (she has said so long as I do the work and go there once a week it's irrelevant when) but this time she questioned whether I'll actually manage and repeated that reliability is of utmost importance to her. Will I manage? It's a fair question. The answer tbh is 'probably not'. I didn't say that, I said I will this Friday and then I will consider whether I can manage it in the medium-term. So that's where the 'probably not' comes in.

It's good that I tried, it's good that I've been those few times, it's undoubtedly good for the employers themselves that I've managed to make an inroad into work that had been neglected for months. It's essential work. The place can run without this work being done but if an inspector came (the Health part of Health and Safety), that would be really bad news for them. That's what they've been worried about all along.

It's good that I've earned a little money. It's good because every little paid job I do gives me an idea of my continuing employability and how that is improving bit by tiny bit. But also indicates to me what might not work, what is just too strenuous. Super tired now.  :zzz: :zzz:

Have finished the contract work more or less. The client will have a look at it in a couple of hours and get back to me with any amendments.

I'm enjoying having the Little Furries around  :) talking to them and encouraging them to explore more of their present home. I even find myself singing to them  ;)

I'm happy for your little furries.  I know how much it means to you  :grouphug:

Thanks Deep Blue.

I'm feeling bone-achingly weary atm. It even crossed my mind that 3 weeks pet-sitting is a long time... But I'll manage and it'll do me good. It is already.
Actually I was asleep in bed but when I woke up again, got up to check the phone cuz I know it rang a few hours ago. Wasn't anything important though. It could've been a client cancelling for tomorrow  ;D but no. I'm not in bad enough a state to want to cancel on my own because in the case of tomorrow's client that would mean a loss of potential income.

On the one hand, I felt a few hours ago as if this weariness, especially the physical, is going to lead me early to the grave. I know that sounds very melodramatic but my self-care isn't great and I suppose after years of hearing from FOO (those medical experts, not) that this or that was so unhealthy it was like a crime and also the media always going on about people who don't exercise daily or who do eat too much of this or that are how many % more likely to die of a heart attack / stroke, get diabetes etc etc, well .....

On the other hand, I know this too shall pass.  :thumbup: Progress. I used not to be able to access this knowledge when in a down phase.

Blueberry,
Take it easy and do what you need to do for you.  Give those furries some extra loving too.  Fun fact, petting animals releases oxytocin (the love hormone) I'm glad that you are able to believe that this too shall pass.  It shows you are getting stronger.   :hug:

Actually this type of little furry doesn't specially like being petted. People think they do, but actually they sit still on your lap because they're in freeze mode, the poor little things. And the noises they make is actually them calling to their mates not telling us humans how much fun they're having.

However I go past their large home many times a day and speak to them lovingly (my tone of voice and even pitch changes  ;) )
so I suppose my brain registers that. One of them bumps into me a bit with his chin / lips while being fed little treats but his mate doesn't. She's still too nervous of me, this new person, to take the most delicious of little treats directly from my fingers. That might change though. She takes them from where I leave them, and they will smell of me for her sensitive little nose.

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I'm still exhausted. Cancelled an appointment this afternoon, but was there for my own paying clients this morning, all two of them. Still need to send one invoice.

What I really need to do however is get my prescription for my low thyroid meds filled. For one reason and another, haven't been taking them for about 2 weeks. That will be one reason why I'm so exhausted and why I'm feeling chilly. Wearing a wool sweater and a fleece  :stars: I know I need my thyroid meds!!

yes, please, get your meds.  i don't doubt that will help out a lot.

i've felt like i was dying several times in the past 20 years, was so dragged down by stress that it was killing me.  i don't think you're being overly dramatic with that.  the good news is that as i've felt better about myself, i've taken better care of myself, and it's been feeling like the right thing to do.   i'm hoping the same for you.

as far as those medical professionals - not! - and their doomsday warnings, i say pooh!  how they manage to get into our heads and stay there, repeating their ugliness is just amazing to me.   i hope thinking like this is at least partly because your hormones are a bit messed up by your thyroid right now. 

so, wishing you a speedy recovery from feeling down, sending love and hugs to warm and comfort you.  and i love how you know so much about your little furries.  so very cool.

I got my meds yesterday afternoon and took them this morning. Idk how long it takes them for me to be up and running again, but I started the process.

I didn't make it out of bed permanently for a good while, but I'm up now. Small steps. I took my tea into the garden and sat in the sun. I picked greens for my pets. I even planted a few little additional seedlings from my super mini-greenhouse. I saw that some &$§ creature (2-legged?? / 4-legged??) used part of my garden where I'd planted herbs and wild-flowers as a toilet.  :aaauuugh:  :thumbdown: :thumbdown: Got rid of that.

I thought those non-medical experts (FOO) might be saying as they've said before that I'm meant to be getting on with paying work, tho it wasn't my garden they said this in connection with. What do they know?? Doing bits in the garden among green and living plants is something that keeps me going. keeping me out of bed today. Will get me on my bike a bit later to go to 3 hour job for presumably the last time. Being in sun in garden among greenery helps remind me of the niceness of the bike ride as opposed to how strenuous it is.

Thanks so much san for your warm, loving words and your own experience you mention. Brings tears to my eyes a bit. That's unusual, and a good thing atm.  :hug: :hug: back.

Did my job and then handed in my notice. Said I could work sporadically maybe if they call to ask, but I can't be reliable weekly the way they need someone. The employer understood but was a bit disappointed. She said it was "thingie" having me there. I'm not joking, but it was a compliment! Like I'm a personable employee or something. But I can feel my body about to give up. I have next to no freelance work next week. Fortunately. I'll need a week just to recover.

I feel tired right into my bones so I'm going to bed. No more modding tonight.

Good for you blueberry,
Get some rest  :zzz:

blueberry, i'm glad you decided to go to bed.  yes, get some rest.  you deserve it.

i love being in a garden, too.  the earthiness of it, the smell of sun on soil, seeing seedlings where once only seeds were planted.  it speaks to my soul.  i'm so very glad you've got one.  i hope to have another some day.  that would be great.

keep taking care of you as best you can.  lovely, earth-smelling hug to you, all natural and warm.

Hey, wishing a loving peaceful rest to you. :)

Thanks DR  :)

______________________________

I was on a lot earlier and used tea's handy little app long enough to realise I hadn't taken my second meds or had enough to drink. I left computer but didn't take my anti-deps  :stars: or in fact drink anything. I have had a large mug of tea now though it's just too late to take my anti-deps. It's the next day in fact. I don't even take my meds at the same time each day ever, though in tea's app it says we should. Well, "should" and "must". Ahem, well. My docs tell me to ignore the 'take at same time each day', just try to take them at all. My T almost fell off his chair when I first told him. But my docs have been dealing with me longer.

I tried so hard to find work again as an employee, to start having socially-insured positions. But it hasn't worked out. Setting my sights too high. Part of it is still feeling a need to excuse myself for living on this earth. Not very healthy emotionally. Part of it is in order to have no need or little need for FOO financial support.

Part of it: I'd love to be able to apply for citizenship in my country of residence. I fill all criteria easily except employment and financial. It wasn't a problem until the UK decided on Brexit. I live in one of the other EU countries with my British passport. But I've been told by people in the know that my country of residence won't be 'sending me back' to either of the other countries I come from. So the dream of citizenship isn't as vital as it would be for some people in some situations in other countries. I've integrated here well. On some other thread somebody was questioning disability status, the usefulness of it maybe for our diagnosis. For me it's useful. It's one more reason my country of residence can't 'send me away'. If crunch came to crunch, it would be another argument for a lawyer.

So, employment isn't panning out atm. Just keep keeping on with other things. I remembered while in the garden yesterday how I once told a social worker I sometimes didn't have enough energy to look after my pets, far less work a job, though at the time I was actually asking her about work placements. She asked how many pets I had, assuming I had a whole herd of goats or something presumably. But no, two Little Furries then and two on loan now. They are not and were not what is preventing me from getting back on the job market. Though I'm still not ready for my own permanent Little Furries again, it's worth noting. The energy for looking after them isn't enough for working a job. Looking after them doesn't involve the same pitfalls and 'topics' as working either.

Lying around in bed reading and dozing hasn't been too beneficial today because I had a bunch of bad dreams full of FOO and then one or two with dangerous traffic situations. Me on bike, narrow road, hill, Mac truck.

In one of my dreams I confronted FOO, which is and was a bad idea.

I am drinking my tea now. Another beneficial thing would be clear up a bit in the kitchen and then listen and move to music.

I managed to do a few beneficial things today, like some gardening. Before there was a brief downpour I also picked 3 peonies and brought them in. They look lovely in a vase. Actually the downpour didn't ruin all the blooms left on the plant, but oh well.

My head is kind of full up with FOO voices atm, ridiculing me for giving up my little job. Not that any of them know irl but it is the kind of thing they would ridicule about, and did in the past. The kind of thing where they told me I was a loser and a failure. So I'm just venting here a bit. I'm not sure why the 'employment' topic is such a biggie for me, but it is. Again and again, for years.

sweetie, i just love peonies, and can picture them in your home.  i had bushes in my front yard, and would pick an armful each year just to have this massive bouquet for a few days.  love their scent.

take it easy on yourself - it sounds like there's something going on just below the surface that wants to come up, show its face.  i hate ridicule - it's simply mean, nasty, and intended to hurt.  nothing positive there. sorry, very sorry you've gone thru that from foo especially.

do what you can, the rest will wait for you.  much love and a warm, caring hug to you.

Thanks for the reminder, san. You're right, when I hang around in bed reading there's usually something on the way up to the surface. I remember now, I've posted about that before.

But still there are things I could be doing to better my day-to-day situation. Hm. Well. I'm the only one who can actually take those steps. At least I got up today eventually and got dressed, but only because a client was coming. That's why working is so important to me. It's a thing I do that gives me purpose.

Hi Blueberry,
I'm glad you were able to get up and saw your client today, and that you have 'purpose' in doing that - and I am just popping in to say 'hello' and extend a warm and supportive hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

Thanks Hope  :)  :hug:

________________________________-

I'm taking a little break from moderating and from feeling as if I ought to answer other mbrs' posts especially Difficult Day and Welcome to Forum. So if I do respond to anybody's today it's because I really, really want to and because I think it'll do me and my process some real good.

I realised a little while ago one reason I'm having such trouble getting on with things atm is the backlog of discussions I need and even want to have with various people in and out of my life. They're often very difficult for me so I tend to put them off. I remember today my T said that so long as I put off dealing with various topics they'll keep coming up in the form of illness, exhaustion, depression, addictions, SH, etc. (As is the case atm.)

Today when I finally went out into the garden to pick some food for the little furries I remembered I'd done that topic of "feeling self-conscious in the garden" before in T, in screen processing no less. The self-conscious feeling came about because of this feeling that M, F, and B1 (and maybe even grandparents) would be gazing out the window making fun of me or criticising me or whatever else they all did. Questioning my right to exist because I wasn't carrying my weight in the family (according to them). Atm I'm spending a lot of time indoors in spite of spells of bright sunny weather and inspite of doing things I could easily do outdoors like colouring or crosswords. Well, at least I'm remembering what's behind it and don't need a distancing therapeutic method in order to do so.

So that backlog of discussion topics: I did send a FOO note yesterday, but there's another I really want to get on with, but.... Then there's one to a friend, which I've been putting off doing partly because she's in a bad way atm. But that's also the reason I put up with all sorts of stuff from her last year and moving into this year, so it's time I stopped that. I can always put a note at top of email: don't read on a bad day, but the point is I'd finally deal with it and stop it hanging over me, feeling bad. And I'd stop putting her needs ahead of mine, which is a main part of the issue between us. She seems to expect that.

I did send a FOO note yesterday. Pretty short and to the point. Then I remembered long ago sending a note or maybe email to parents setting a firm limit. My T of the time said with that 'brusqueness' I should be glad if my parents ever wanted contact with me again.  :stars: :stars: I said I wasn't capable of expressing any other way. She shrugged. So instead of maybe helping me express another way - which she had refused to do though it was a situation in which I had to act fast - she criticised my words. I'm well rid of that T. It's like what a few other mbrs on here have mentioned recently: the T is supporting the abusers rather than their own client  :stars: Maybe after all they did to me and didn't do for me my parents should be glad that I tried to stay in reasonably, friendly contact for such a long time and even went back to it after a long period of VVVLC / NC??

However, I note how hard it is for me to find the right words, how I agonise over it, but I do end up with similar brusqueness. It's just Medium Chill and that's quite OK towards a FOO that twists my words. In fact, it's the only way to go about it really. My present T says something along the lines of: if people generally feel well-meaning towards you they'll try and figure out what you mean, or they'll quite simply ask if they're not sure. It's true. That's what I do too. But not FOO.

I wrote this elsewhere on here in Nov. 2017:
"My T said contact with people won't stay if you can't set a limit and if you aren't allowed to speak up about a problem you're having with that person's words / actions / deeds or even speak up about realising there's a problem developing between you, but you need to talk about it! And if you can't, then time to re-think, let go probably. That makes total sense but it's very difficult for me and has set off this whole chain of events." Oh, gee, there are even more people than I wrote up above with whom I need to clear something up.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on May 22, 2018, 03:48:20 AM
sweetie, i just love peonies, and can picture them in your home. 

Don't try to picture too hard, my place is a disaster zone. Looks as if a group of very messy teenagers lives here  ;). But it's only me. Or else you could make sure you really concentrate on the peonies and zone everything else out.

Maybe you should send your ll over here? She might have such a medical emergency at the sight that she'd end up in hospital for a while and leave you in peace.  ;D

I've been reading tons of old posts of mine, mostly Recovery Letters. Still haven't got on with writing present day ones though.

I did write a bill earlier though, finally, and send. And contacted somebody who expressed interest in my work. Both things were hard, but I did them.  :thumbup: They're only so hard because I'm not expessing all that other stuff that should be going to friends and FOO.

Well, being online isn't beneficial for hours and hours and hours. It would be good to go offline and go and clear up a bit in my kitchen. Always a good place to start. I can listen to some nice music while I'm about it. Maybe move around and/or sing to it.

 :cheer: Good job on doing the difficult things! I hope you gave yourself an encouraging and friendly pat on the shoulder for doing the things that's challening for you.

Taking a break from internet, getting up and move about to music sounds like a fun and good thing to do!

I didn't actually give myself any encouraging or friendly words for having done those things. Thanks for reminding me. There have been times when I was better at self-praise.

_________________________________
Using the type of energy that would normally get me to the farm, I got out of bed, hung up the rest of the laundry that doesn't already smell, hung up the smelly stuff in the garden where it will get fresh air but also possibly rain and dry eventually for next laundry. I also forgive myself not hanging it up last night. I also took my one type of meds, gave the furries something to eat, picked them some stuff in the garden for later, took a little time to smell some elder blossoms while out in garden, emptied kitchen compost and another refuse type and checked an important work email, that will possibly lead to more earnings.

And it's only 8:15 am as I write all this! I still could even go to farm if I want. It gives me a kind of structure I sometimes need.

I still need that getting-to-farm-type-of-energy to at least wash my hair. And I may get on with another real FOO email today, the energy to do that was there on getting up too, as well as the words.

Hi Blueberry,
You have done quite a lot already, and it's relatively early!   :cheer:   I hope your real FOO email goes ok, if you decide you are doing that today, and I hope that your furries are enjoying their stay with you.
Hope  :)

I wrote quite a lot over at OOTF and then started getting going on writing the FOO email only to realise I'd be hurting myself again, leaving myself too open to attack from a FOO member who is already doing that in his covert way. So better to write another Letter to Not Send here. At least now I know why life is so stop-and-start atm. It's all this stuff below the surface I'm dealing with.

I didn't go to the farm. I realised that the things coming up atm are way more important than doing anything for anybody else. I understand better now what my T meant about it being good for me not to be 'doing things'. I tend to think I'm not doing much and e.g. I might as well do my moderating on here than sit about but even moderating on here  - useful as it may well be - helps me distance myself from what's going on internally and not allow it to come up.

I did wash my hair though  :thumbup: and feel better. I also diluted some of my homemade, all-organic nitrogen fertiliser and spread it around. I wasn't able to do that yesterday, I haven't been able to do that for about a week. Just because there are times when I can't do most things.

Quite soon I have an appointment with somebody who may pass some work on to me, for pay that is. So I'll go and get ready for that.

Practising self-care. There's a post I really think I ought to respond to as Mod but actually I'm taking a little break from Modding rn anyway and I simply cannot handle this post tonight, so I'm not going to. It's hard to allow myself that. I'm totally exhausted anyway.

i'm glad you decided to take a break for yourself.  sounds like you need it.  you've got so many pots on the stove, you deserve to look after yourself, too.  doin' good, sweetie.  love and hugs.

Thanks, san. I do have quite a few pots on the stove atm.

I did come online and onto OOTS this evening thinking "I will at least write that email" because the longer I don't do it, the more I self-sabotage with all sorts of unhealthy behaviour. Also I have a T appt this coming week, my second in this quarter. Good to make good use of it by being able to take own internal fallout at least along to my T.

I also want to say I think it's good you listened to yourself and took care of your own needs before modding.

Thanks Sceal!  :)   It's something I really need to practise. I intend to as well.
___________________________

I've just been writing a rough draft of what I'd like to write to this FOO member. I've already put square brackets around certain passages to mark "good you wrote that  :applause:  :applause: but don't send, you're making yourself vulnerable in such a dysfunctional FOO" (as T's used to say to me).

It just occurred to me now how my F once said to M in my hearing though I wasn't in the room that I set myself up for emotional attacks from people. In that case it was about emotional abuse, gaslighting etc. from F's drunken friend who was being belligerent.  Another of F's drunken acquaintances used to get emotional and weepy. Not hurtful. In fact one time he ended up all apologetic to me about something he didn't even need to apologise for!
Anyway savour this from enF: I "set myself up" for belligerent behaviour from enF's drunken friend. M agreed with him, I heard that too. No inkling of responsibility on their part for setting me up to act this way. aka 'grooming'. Maybe it's not even grooming. It's just in my FOO a) you don't leave the situation in the middle of an argument, you have to argue it through until there's a winner and a loser (in FOO I was always loser, sort of by definition) and b) some other things I've dissociated off rn. This stuff is really hard for me. It's beneficial that I'm realising it, that I'm once again seeing how dysfunctional FOO is, and that I'm remembering more of how badly I was treated by enF. enF set himself up in our FOO as Innocence Personified, and B2, who I'm trying to negotiate with is GC, so also Innocence Personified. I'm not sure if he's a narc or just very flea-ridden but I do think he's manipulating to some degree. He's overtly 'passing the buck', pretending his wife misunderstood something. No love lost between his wife and me any more and no communcation any more either, so it's OK to throw her under a bus on the surface. She may even know he's doing that or is complicit in it "Go ahead, blame me, your Sis doesn't like me anyway." 

Nobody in FOO ever taught me to leave a situation. Not only that, they taught me that if you remove yourself from a situation then you're at a disadvantage next time. You're not starting out on a level playing field because you 'lost' last time, by leaving. OMG. My FOO is so deranged. 

Hi Blueberry.

Just wanted to say that I often "dip into"  your journal and I absolutely relate to everything you write about your FOO.

But today,  I just had to respond because your discussion of how your parents believe that YOU set yourself up for emotional abuse hit me so hard. This is exactly the message my parents always conveyed about me.  They actually seemed very proud of this realisation on their part, and very smug that a: they had come to understand this,  b: they were not like this and c: it was absolutely nothing to do with them. They enjoyed discussing this between them, whilst being sure that I would hear and pick up all of the vibes and insinuations they were giving off.

This, I believe,  is exactly the sort of thing that,  unless you have experienced it first hand, you just can't understand it. It is so subtle and yet so clever.  This was exactly the sort of thing I tried to deal with in emdr, which the therapist couldn't accept or deal with within the framework.  In fact,  she actually gave the same message to me as my parents did, namely "you have brought this all on yourself".

I hate that you went through such similar things with your FOO as I did with mine, but thank you for talking about it. It has really helped me realise that it isn't just me!!

Libby.

i think 'grooming' is a very good word for how you've been taught to react in relationships.  they groomed you to be the kind of person they could blame so as to take any blame off themselves.  clever, cunning, and sinister.  dang, this stuff goes so deep.

i do feel sad that you, blueberry, and you, libby, and everyone else who relates to this had to go thru it.  the idea of winning and losing - that someone HAS to win or lose - is pure power play, to my mind.  i've often used a ploy of 'allowing' another person to 'win' if it seems very important to them by taking a step down from the discussion/argument.  by doing this, i've always felt i've retained my power cuz i did it by choice, not cuz i was 'outdone'.

games people play in order to feel better about themselves at the cost of others.  it's very sad.  says a lot for how little self-esteem people have.  love and hugs all around.

Thank you Libby for letting me know that you often read in my journal and that you can relate to so much! It really helps me to know that because it's one more proof I'm not writing hogwash. I mean I do know I'm not doing so, but you reinforce this knowledge for me.

Thanks san too. Power play with your own kid (my parents obviously, not you), it's terrible. I knew actually from early teenage years on that the amount of criticism from M and B1 was in order to make themselves feel better, but I hadn't attributed that yet to the argument behaviour. M, F and B1 just love(d) to play Devil's Advocate, all the time. It was crazy-making. Even when I stepped down from an argument by choice in FOO, they gloated over that. Like the smugness Libby mentioned. So it always felt as if I lost.

However, therapy today brought some changes I hadn't been envisaging.

I was honest about something I haven't hitherto thought of saying: even the most minute contact with FOO, like a 2 line email, - the sheer effort of writing it and getting it 'perfect' so FOO will understand  - exhausts me, destabilises me for up to 3-4 weeks, and also when I receive one that I ought to answer, same kind of effect.

My T now suggests that I put the whole of FOO and all their expectations etc etc onto my Screen (like when I do Screen Processing) before I do any contact. Putting them on the Screen means that I take charge of how they appear. On the screen I have a picture frame which I can make as small as I like. Always much much smaller than the screen, about postage stamp size. FOO is in the picture frame, and they can't get out of it either. For further protection, I have bullet-proof glass set up between me and the screen. Even with that all in place, I still always have some physical reactions, e.g my breathing changes or I feel as if I'd like to throw up. My T says the latter is especially good because that means the impulse is to purge my psyche of stuff that doesn't belong in it.

On the way home, I got to thinking that possibly I should put the whole of FOO and all their expectations, opinions, words etc permanently on the Screen. Or I could maybe put them in medium-security prison where they can't harm anybody, least of all me? I wouldn't want to put them in my Bank Vault (that's for difficult memories that I want to store but retain access to).

putting them and all their baggage either on the screen or in a prison sounds like you taking back your power.  i love the idea. 

i can totally relate to wanting messages, whether written or spoken, to be perfect so as to maybe get the other person to understand, then worrying about it endlessly.  unfortunately, as much as i might have labored over those messages, deleting, editing, adding, whatever, it never really helped.  i never made headway, ever, that i can remember. 

i agree with your t about wanting to purge the toxins.  well done, sweetie.  i think you're doing really well with all this.  love and hugs to you.

I went back to choir practice tonight for the first time in maybe 6 weeks. I kept missing because I was either ill or I was really exhausted. When I don't go for a while, it's hard for me to start up again because I'm self-conscious about my singing or rather the fact that it's actually very difficult for me. I do like to sing, it does me a lot of good. I've had a sore throat and mouth since yesterday sometime. It's gone now just from singing this evening. Of course there wasn't a real physical reason, otherwise my throat would be worse. Singing praises to God removes the pain that thinking and talking about FOO before and during therapy put there. I'll be singing it all again tomorrow morning  :)

Sometimes I like to join in something because it feels as if I have a right to exist that way. I'm contributing, I'm helping. Although I did a little helping this afternoon, tomorrow I'm joining in big festivities in my area of town because I like to - all the singing - and because I feel as if I belong. That's very important for me. To make up for times when FOO didn't allow me to feel as if I belonged to them as a family or as if I belonged in either of the countries I grew up in  :stars: But now I belong in this country and society I chose to live in.  :)

Today it felt quite daring to tell somebody who'd offered me 2 lots of contract work that I'd do just the one. He accepted that, he even figured out part of the reason why. Still it feels daring, I was semi-expecting him to say I could forget the whole thing then. I was prepared to accept that. That's all progress.  :cheer:

The SIL I don't have an issue with but am not really in contact with because I wouldn't contact her behind my brother's back, she sent me an email today and that felt good. What she wrote, it sounded genuine to me. I sent one about something particular to her and my B yesterday. He responded, so I hadn't been expecting her to as well. It's possible that without the stuff I discussed with my T yesterday that I would've felt a bit different about the contact. I'm not sure. It feels as if there's a bit of a change coming in me.

 :cheer:

Thanks 3Roses!

Today I did thought-stopping when I realised I was  :pissed: and getting really worked up in my head about FOO mbrs and especially the one particularly unpleasant SIL. I understand now that reviewing old incidents and getting worked up leaves me feeling helpless and in victim mode. That's triggering and not beneficial.  :thumbup: on realising.

I didn't eat everything I was offered today, which is good. Sometimes with my disordered eating, I eat more or less everything in sight.

I noticed today how annoying it can be when you have somebody standing next to you asking what they should be doing and/or apologising for existing. It's useful to notice because that's one of my go-to reactions just on different topics. I notice my own agitation at writing this, but decided to go ahead and write it any way.

My head is still full of singing from this morning.  :)

A couple of people were talking today about a place where I considered applying to work, and then haven't so far done. For sound reasons. But I'm considering it again. I note that things do change. What seemed impossible 2 months ago may not be now. The other little job I did have I stuck out 4 weeks only, but the route to get there was long and arduous. So having decided against continuing that and having needed to recuperate from the exhaustion for 10 days doesn't mean there aren't any employment opportunities at all. This is a good realisation. I'm saying 'Onwards!' to myself.

Today I didn't do much thought-stopping. I didn't get out of bed for a long time either. Even though (or maybe because?) I wrote a must / could list of things to do just for today including fun activities and activities using a few of the 5 Senses.

One thing I realised I want to do is write a Recovery Letter to SIL2, one that I will never send to her. There is no point whatsoever but I'd get some of my hurt and anger out. But I've been avoiding doing that all day. I'm sure it would be beneficial. Maybe I should try? Writing directly to the person, even not to send, is not like ruminating.

Added a bit later: I see over at Recovery Letters, I've already written some of those letters to SIL2, B2, B1 and they don't seem yet to have made much impression emotionally. They're still on a cognitive level. Either I need to do something else (what I'm not sure - well, could be healing retreats again with an emphasis on family dynamics) or I just need time.

Hi Blueberry,
I read your letter that you wrote to SIL2 - I thought it was really well written, and conveyed a lot. 
:hug: to you, Blueberry.
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :hug: :hug:  I had been thinking it wasn't 'enough' somehow. I think you know that feeling too, unfortunately for you. So it helps what you say here.

I was writing and compiling some stuff for San on traumatisation by Ts. My piece is quite long actually but I feel it's not persuasive enough  :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: but the good thing is: I stopped writing it when I started to feel myself go numb. In fact, really I should get off the computer now and go and listen to / move to music to get better back in my body.

And I didn't even feel into my memories of trauma by T, I stayed pretty much on the surface and still some physical reactions. That's just me triggered imho right now because I'm avoiding getting retraumatised, but if I felt into the memories properly, it could go from trigger to full-blown EF and then retraumatisation maybe?

Hi Blueberry,
:hug:
Well done for stepping away from the computer and that heavy stuff you're doing compiling things - and hope you enjoy moving to music to get back in your body.   :cheer: that you're doing that. 
Hope  :)

Thanks Hope  :) :)   At least I listened to music, even if I didn't dance much.

Today I don't feel much impetus to write on here and I think that's good. I've just sent a longish response to someone, with my Mod hat on and I might write under 3 Good Things but otherwise closing down for today.

blueberry, the stuff you sent me was plenty persuasive enough.   you did a brilliant job, and i thank you.  yes, it's time to rest.  i feel it, too.   love you

Thanks for feedback, san.  :hug:

I got a email today from enF on financial stuff and I managed to respond pretty much right away, including questioning some of the conclusions that were drawn, so standing up for myself versus siblings e.g. This is good going for me! It can take 3-4 weeks for me to respond. Things are moving forwards again.  :)  :cheer:

 :cheer: You're doing good, Blueberry!

Thanks Sceal!  :)

___________________________________

Today I need to change my printer cartridge, something I traditionally have a lot of problems with. Today I'm having even more problems than usual  :aaauuugh: which is a real pain because I could do with being able to copy and print various things today including my resumée. We worked on this a couple of months ago in therapy, and I yawned like crazy which is a sign that something emotional is going on. I'm yawning away today too but not so far had any success changing it.

good luck with the cartridge - they can be frisky little things.

well done on the rest of your progress, tho.  that's so great to hear, sweetie.   love and hugs.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 05, 2018, 10:58:27 AM
good luck with the cartridge - they can be frisky little things.

in my case it's not just the friskiness of it, there's 'something' behind it. That's why I yawn so much, that's why I worked on the topic in T. Something to do with machines, doing things with my hands, and I think also possibly connected to my M flying off the handle when small practical and/or technical things didn't work out for her. It's as if her anger in these situations has caused me life-long panic instead. She used to say to me "don't get in such a tizzy about things" when I used to give up in tears as a child. How come nobody ever said to her she shouldn't explode and throw something across the room because the vacuum cleaner flex didn't come out of the socket? She was the adult after all. There's me standing watching and learning fear of her reaction and helplessness in general in similar situations. That didn't actually come up in T because we used the Screen (as in Screen Processing) to project into the future. Hm. Time to go do Screen Processing of this memory  :thumbdown: It's good I have the method of course but I don't like using it on my own.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 05, 2018, 10:58:27 AM
well done on the rest of your progress, tho.  that's so great to hear, sweetie.   love and hugs.

:)  :hug:

Blueberry,
I think you've hit on an important connection between machines and you.  As a child, how were you supposed to learn not to throw a tantrum when you saw your m do the same thing?  :hug:  :hug: to you sweetie.

I yawn when I'm stressed too. Hmmm never thought about it much.  I always thought I was just forgetting to breathe? Take care and go easy on yourself  :hug:

Thanks for the validation DeepBlue!  :hug: I don't even throw a tantrum now, my brain just kind of freezes, sometimes for weeks about the thing in question.

I yawn when something's 'going on' emotionally. I've been told it's partially a release of tension, so generally a good thing. But sometimes it's a sign to stay away from a topic because the topic is causing me too much stress and tension. Needless to say I haven't done my Screen Processing yet, though I have just been working for a couple of hours, I had to, had appointments, but good excuse too  ;D Going easy on myself isn't such a bad thing either. I'll see.

nice realizations about the frustration surrounding machines.  it makes perfect sense from what you said about your mother.   you're right - why didn't she say the same thing about being in a tizzy to herself?  show you how to deal with that frustration in a calmer, more adult way rather than terrorizing her daughter?

best to you with your screen processing on this, if you decide to take it on.  love and hugs, sweetie.

That's it, Blueberry.  Again you have hit the nail on the head,  so to speak!

My mother frequently threw a tantrum when things didn't go exactly right for her. And yet,  even as a very young child, I was scolded and laughed at for having a tantrum.  Even at an age when it was pretty normal. But the same rules didn't apply to her. Why not?  No wonder we grew up so confused.

I have the exact same problem with machines, technology,  cars etc. Something goes wrong and I can't cope. And yet it still seems like other people are allowed to be frustrated but we are not.  Is that why we continue to avoid,  I wonder?

We seem to have had so many similar family situations.  San Magic is so right - we were terrorised because they couldn't cope.

Good luck in dealing with pesky machines!

Libby.

Wow! You too?? I've never met anybody before who admitted to this problem. M probably got it from her F but she continued in the same bent, maybe even worse, tho of course I have no idea how he reacted when she was a child. But M certainly didN't admit to having a problem the way we do.

I'm sorry you have it too though and sorry what Little Libby had to go through.

I kind of avoid now because of my ICr who says things like I ought to be able to do something as simple as change my printer cartridge, I've done it often enough before etc etc (I do manage eventually or I get help) and I feel ashamed. rn I can feel a Little Blueberry.....took a few minutes break to help Little BB, who was idk maybe about 3 or 4 yo and screaming hysterically.
I just held her and told her it was fine to scream. It was all in my head/imagination, me as Adult remained calm, just holding Little BB. I've done a lot of T where you express feelings out loud including screaming and yelling, crying. Latterly that's all been trauma-informed, pair work where somebody might hold me. It is healing but difficult to do on your own obviously. This time I think if I had gone into the scream as an Adult then Little Me would've been lost and I think I might have felt  bowled over by the emotional intensity even as an Adult. So  :thumbup: I followed different impulse. It was over really fast, I'm still holding Little Me in my imagination and she's calm. Needs to stay with me, which is fine.

I'll maybe come back to your post later, Libby. Thanks because without it I wouldn't have just gone through this healing moment with Little Me.  :hug: :hug: :hug: for Little Libby too. Little Me nods about hugs for Little Libby.

great insight, blueberry, about what your adult you needed to refrain from doing in front of little you.  well done.  love and hugs to both of you.

Somehow seeing this written out by you, san, makes me suddenly deeply understand why it was necessary for Adult me to allow Little BB do the screaming all in my head, none out loud. Thanks for that.

I feel rather listless this evening. There's some work I need to do on the computer before I switch off and go to bed.

I'm going on a day-long outing tomorrow and though part of me is looking forward, part of me would rather hide under the covers for the day.

I found out by chance a few days ago that someone I knew in high school was killed by a wild animal a good number of years ago. It was very unexpected - at that time it was unheard of. Atm that's getting to me a bit. I feel very porous, as if all news of any deaths will flood me. Even seeing a dead bird on the road recently. I feel sorry for the bird in a deep kind of way, even though it's really a stupid bird. A town pigeon, they often chance it on the road and don't fly off immediately the way you'd expect when people drive towards them or even when I cycle, I sometimes have to brake.

Anyway I'm feeling rather porous and have an image of those 'swimming pool walls' in my head again. So no great surprise I'm feeling listless. I'm probably avoiding feeling anything. Not wanting to feel into the horror of the death of this young woman i knew back in high school. Unfortunately it is one of my go-to modes to feel into that kind of thing. When I was doing a form of 'spiritual healing' in addition to therapy but in a group run by my therapist, we worked on feeling into other peoples' souls, even the souls of the deceased. Of course, it's pretty bogus (don't want to offend anybody here, but...) but I believed my T at the time and I had kind of a knack for 'feeling' into the souls of the really distressed. Probably trauma-related, this knack. I avoid this soul work at all costs now. Working on my own is quite enough.

Got kind of a weird email from enF today. It's not about FOO stuff. In part of it it's hard to tell if he's being facetious or what. But then when I looked at it again with a bit more emotional distance and attempting not to second guess anything btl, as my T suggested, it looks less weird. Also I remember, just because enF wants some 'quick' help doesn't mean I need to jump to and do it tonight. Tomorrow will work perfectly well too.

I couldn't sleep and got back up, thinking I'd better put a big TW in my post before last in this Journal. But reading back over, i think it's OK actually.

Anyway, typical. Not being able to go to sleep in the dark. Now that the light's on, I feel sleepier. It might be good to sort out my sleep problems some time by getting into better sleep habits. At least, going to bed by midnight instead of 2 am, because then I'm over some kind of threshhold. Probably a bit late to nip the problem in the bud, but good to deal with it before it gets any worse. I don't mean with meds in my case though I realise they're really helpful for some people on here. 

that soul work sounds rather disturbing to me, too.  i don't blame you for wanting to stay away from it.  i wouldn't touch it - i personally don't think it's my place to go searching around someone else's soul.  too private and personal.

i've also experienced that deeper connection to death.  it's also disturbing to me.  i don't like feeling that deep.

well done on leaving the second-guessing behind with that email.   a tall order nicely handled to my mind.  especially the part where you don't have to 'jump' to do something for someone else just cuz they're requesting it.  in my foo, requests were equivalent to orders, and those orders were to be carried out immediately.  that's been a hard one to break.

onward, blueberry.    love and hugs, sweetie   and, i thought your post was just fine as well.

Something I realised today: B1 has said before that I'm "quite similar to M" :rolleyes: but one way I'm definitely not is in reacting to deaths. M says things like "this person will be sooo missed because they're so useful to this or that committee, group", that M is on. It doesn't sound as if M is mourning the person, it sounds as if she's missing the work done by that person.  :stars: Possibly in some part of her soul, she does mourn the person but has no words for it?? Maybe that's something she could have learnt by now?? Considering all what she and the rest of FOO expect(ed) me to learn.

Anyway, that's definitely not what I'm like. I either mourn the person him/herself or feel really sorry for the family or a combination as in the case I mentioned a bit further back in here.

btw B1 is also quite similar to M, in ways I'm not. The out-of-control rage and physical violence.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 09, 2018, 03:29:56 PM
that soul work sounds rather disturbing to me, too.  i don't blame you for wanting to stay away from it.  i wouldn't touch it - i personally don't think it's my place to go searching around someone else's soul.  too private and personal.

I got badly retraumatised by this T and that soul work. Of course, the soul work group started out doing soul work on self or helping a partner in the group with it, and then as things progressed we were taught that somebody dropping by your thoughts and screaming "Help!!" in your head was giving you permission to look at their soul. It wasn't till I was kicked out of the group and out of therapy that I apparently appeared to someone in group and was upset and the person asked T/guru if they should work on me and was told they'd need my express permission because I had been in the group. I declined. I'm also quite sure my soul didn't go knocking on that person's soul. As I said, bogus. I mean, I know there are sometimes strange coincidences and things you can't explain, but T/guru was just making a quick buck, more than she could make with therapy, and binding people to her. e.g. in all of us in the group all sorts of side issues came up. Now, I do one topic with Screen Processing and then leave it and see what happens. Back then with T/guru we'd work on a topic and be told to do it another 2 times (3 = magical number), later on when we were more advanced we'd be told to do it another 6 times (7= magical number).

All sorts of grooming went on. This T was someone who thought I could learn something - this whole new method - whereas at the time I still thought I was pretty much a failure, as FOO had always said. T knew me pretty well and I'm sure she knew she could exploit that. So unfortunately it took me about a year and a half to see through the facade, though I did ask sceptical questions fairly often. T said she welcomed questions, but didn't really. Took me a long time to see through that too. I trusted her. That's about 15 years ago now. It took me a number of years to get over it because it was as if T had taken over my soul. I couldn't do any kind of visualisation exercises with light or anything really for a long time after that. There were other Ts / counsellors who tried with me but it all just got worse and worse. Finding trauma-informed T brought the breakthrough but it took a long time to discover  I needed that and then find somebody to do it with me.
Anyway, enough on that topic too. 

Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 09, 2018, 03:29:56 PM
i've also experienced that deeper connection to death.  it's also disturbing to me. 

I actually have kind of a pull towards it, unfortunately - towards feeling into it I mean, not to death itself . "Spiritual healing" exacerbated the pull needless to say. It's maybe a leftover of SI from childhood / teenage years?

Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 09, 2018, 03:29:56 PM
onward, blueberry.    love and hugs, sweetie   and, i thought your post was just fine as well.

Thanks for feedback  :)

Hi Blueberry,
That Soul Work sounds very heavy stuff.  Sorry to hear you got badly retraumatised by that T and doing that soul work. 
:hug: to you.
Hope  :)

Thanks Hope  :)  :hug:

_________________________________________
Beneficial and constructive: accountability to self. But I'm not very good at that, so I'm going to write in here. In the next 15 minutes I'm heading to choir practice and after that I'm going to finish making elderflower jelly. It was meant to sit overnight in the fridge but now it's been sitting there for 2 nights. Definitely time to finish it.

Sometimes when I'm hesitant about doing further steps to complete a task, it's good to feel into why I'm having trouble, but sometimes it's good to just go through with it and if there's an insurmountable step in the middle of that, well, then i'll notice but otherwise I will complete task and can tell whichever Inner Children /Teens how competent that was!

Writing the above post worked for accountability to myself  :cheer: It was a bit of a struggle when I got in from choir practice at 10:30 pm but I continued on with my elderflower jelly and now it's in the jars setting :)

One of the reasons why cooking / baking is difficult  for me and makes me self-conscious came clear. It's no big surprise really. It reminds me of childhood / teenage years in FOO. Just being reminded of home life when I was growing up seems to be difficult. On another thread of mine San mentioned neglect by parents who don't teach their kids how to cook for example. M was one of those too, mostly. She always said it was easier to do it herself than teach us. Well, yes, undoubtedly it is, since teaching is work, but so is parenting - work and teaching.

There were some times when she was feeling better where she showed me stuff. I can remember being involved with making jam but the other problem is that I was belittled so much that doing something on my own is often really difficult. Doing all the steps. Back then  making jam and lots of other things, I was a help-mate, an assistant, with my nose often rubbed into the 'fact' that  I couldn't do it as well as other people. Namely, M, B1 and GrM. GrM did the same to M as well. So another one of these emotional injuries that are passed on. Doesn't let M and B1 off the hook though. The 'reason' isn'T necessarily an excuse.

Then of course my problems with doing things with my hands, emotional blockage in my hands. But I think the only way is to go through with these activities, and I did! I made my elderflower jelly tonight.  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Moved a post of mine from yesterday on Outer Critic to here:
I've never been too sure on what constitutes OCr. exactly. But I think I might have been experiencing OCr. getting riled up this evening. I'm not feeling empathy for 2 deceased young persons in my town who died in separate traffic accidents within 100 metres and 24 hours of each other, close to where I live. I heard other people discussing it this evening and internally I'm thinking "Grr." They both caused their single vehicle accidents and I think more along the lines of: good that there wasn't a pedestrian or cyclist in their paths since they both mounted the curb several times. I'm a pedestrian/cyclist myself not a car-driver so am well-acquainted with my basic vulnerability on the road or bike path and in addition the accidents happened in a place I walk or cycle almost daily. When cyclists are involved in accidents, they come under immediate, general suspicion here : "those stupid cyclists don't have lights"   :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: even for an accident in broad daylight where a car driver might even have been found 100% at fault.

The amount of "Grr" factor was enough to tell me: there must be something else behind this. (1) I remember thinking re: M, who B1 criticised for not having more empathy for her SIL, that somebody who has never received real empathy shouldn't be expected to have it for others. So there's that: me too, I have an empathy-receipt defecit from way back in FOO. And (2) the other thing is being blamed for something by proxy for something that's not mine. There is a group of people I sometimes meet up with who are all car-drivers and tend to rub my nose in this by talking about cyclists in this kind of way, often actually showing their ignorance about cyclists' rights in this country. I'm not very good at defending myself verbally in that kind of situation, in fact undoubtedly it reminds me of FOO, since there's me and then there's a group of them saying "You don't drive so you don't know." Grr, Grr, Grr. "You haven't cycled on the roads as a commuter for decades so you don't know either!" I think in return but don't say, probably wisely. I guess I need to set some actual limit instead of putting up with this crap and stewing. So (3) it's also the negation of my knowledge and experience (of course in my head I'm doing it in return here, oops). But that was something FOO did to me a lot - disparaged my knowledge and taught me that my opinion was incorrect by definition because it was mine. Undoubtedly I'm still attempting that uphill battle of proving to FOO especially B1 and M that my opinion isn't always incorrect. Whereas it would be healthier to 'drop the rope' and remind myself how little contact I have with FOO, just for starters.

My ICr. is also reminding me that this non-empathy for those young people is the sort of thing M would have and used to be criticised about it in FOO, by enF and B1. So I'm thinking: I'm as bad as her. But I'm not actually. That's my ICr. not being able to see grey areas.

It is not my intention to start a discussion of cyclist versus car driver rights and responsibilities on here. Please refrain, everybody.
This post is about my usual realisations of what's going on internally, realisations that come more easily when I write on here than anywhere else. If comments, then on OCr. or is this an EF? Or maybe an EF leads to OCr. freaking out??

Further conclusions on "Gr Gr Gr" factor: oh dear, they keep disappearing when I want to write them down.

One on the post above is that I'm surely keeping myself protected from feeling into another tragic death of a fairly young person when I'm still thinking about the person I knew in high school, and I knew her aunt as well who'd been a teacher for 3 years before and who I liked and admired. So moving forward: Possible to protect myself emotionally without disparaging other people who died? Cuz I think disparagingis a FOO thing. Parents and B1 made disparaging remarks about and to me possibly in part to not have to feel their own pain by seeing mine. So not just ignore mine (probably hard to do for years on end anyway day after day) but disparage it as well to try and prove it doesn't have a reason to exist. So how to protect myself emotionally - in this case it's probably not so much an issue of protecting myself from other peoples' discussion of deceased people as protecting myself emotionally from memories of my hurt by FOO.

:thumbdown: :doh: :thumbdown: I came on here thinking I'd 'just' need to do some Inner Child talk but now it looks like another Screen Processing, which I still have a lot of problems motivating myself to do even though it hurts. Actually I wanted to write "even though it works". So 'hurts' = Freudian slip??  Idk.

One part of me says: "come on, do some more healing work, get going with it, stop shilly-shallying around".
The other part says: "Hey, you've been doing other moving forward work today."  Not Screen Processing, but activities with my hands (which I wrote about a post or two above also yesterday) and with plants, harvesting mostly, and I'm about to continue with a recipe I'm trying out. It had to sit for a while, hence my break on here.

Also earlier I almost went back to bed when I told myself that I 'should' wash the dishes and clean up the kitchen before I harvested any more wild herbs. Then I remembered: No, it's best if I do the easiest thing and if that's heading into the garden, then go for it. Because it does me good in other ways too, not just the harvesting.  :thumbup: I decided against the 'should'.

Quote from: Blueberry on June 13, 2018, 05:27:59 PM
Also earlier I almost went back to bed ...Then I remembered: No, it's best if I do the easiest thing and if that's heading into the garden, then go for it.

Repeat of this, this morning. Meaning practice makes it easier, easier to do what's healthy for me  :cheer: I went into the garden and did some weeding, especially of the 'forests' around my blackcurrants in order to let some light in to ripen them. I also did some general looking and sniffing. Which is good - not everything I do has to be 'useful' in a concrete way. Using my senses and concentrating on nature is mindfulness for me and a way of regrounding a bit.

I was meant to have a doc appointment this morning but one of the receptionists messed up and didn't write my name down. Fortunately I called in advance about something else because I feel so out of it and exhausted emotionally that I couldn't really imagine getting there by bike or bus. Now I don't have to force myself.

Obviously a difficult day for me for some reason. But I have managed to stay up and do stuff instead of going back to bed. Been in the garden a few times to do this or pick that and hang up laundry. And.... I did some cleaning.  :cheer:

 :cheer: :applause: :hug:

I'm feeling very self-conscious today. Probably an EF.  I did do some EFT (tapping) but... Difficult. I'm having to work at not letting the corners of my mouth droop all day. I don't even know why!!

Though I have my suspicions. Death of someone who I knew in high school, thinking about it puts my mind back to that time of my life and to that place. Seems hard. I have been back on holiday since moving to another country and thought I'd made my peace with it, but maybe not? The mere idea of moving back to my home town is enough to cause an EF but I hadn't realised that thinking about my home town would too. But I suppose I'm thinking back to how I was then as a 16-17 year old when I was not in a good state at all. I was exceedingly self-conscious. I wanted to hide away and not be seen.
otoh one of the aunts of this person was a teacher of mine in a previous school and I have good memories of her. She and 2 other female teachers even once asked M if there was something wrong with me, I looked so drained and exhausted! I've remembered this always - somebody (3 in fact) noticed something was 'off' and spoke up.

Time to put whole episode in Bank Vault? I don't want to. What part doesn't?

Continuing Difficult Day, not that I'm posting over there atm. Went to bed last night at 8pm. Sometimes that helps - just give myself time and I'll come out of an EF again. At least I slept. And at least I have more idea what's wrong - not just the death I mentioned and my thoughts reverting to really difficult period in my life when I was 16-17. Nooo.

There are all those money and job worries. I started a new freelance contract last week in my easier line of work. Today will be the second time. I 'should' go because they're expecting me and because I need the money, but I don't want to. I'm working with a group, albeit a small one. I managed last week but... I don't like groups.

My T says not to push myself too much when in an EF. Quite frankly I'd prefer to go up to the farm today though even that feels difficult. I was there on Monday again after weeks of not and said I'd come today. The freelance work is more 'important' because I actually get money as opposed to food. I feel like calling in sick with the freelance work but I don't think I will, I think I'll push myself through it somehow. It doesn't feel good though atm, so please no comments on 'pushing yourself through' is best please! i'm not sure that it always is. Maybe it's time I just gave up? No, my T said not to make that kind of decision when in an EF.

I also feel like going back into inpatient therapy, though I'm sure I won't. The impulse is probably just an instance of Flight. Flee away from all the mess in my daily life and go somewhere where I kind of get looked after. I was reading in my paper journal an hour or so ago and seeing I go on healing retreats partly just to help me keep going, not throw in the towel. T says when I feel like signing up for one, then I should do so and not put it off with: "I 'should' keep the money for a time when i don't have any regular one-on-one outpatient therapy the way I do now with him." So signing up for a stint in August would be a Good Thing. August is always a really difficult month anyway. Good friends mostly on holiday, almost all my regular activities like choir stop and if I do a couple of hours of freelance work, it's a good August. Usually nobody wants anything done in Aug.

Feeling for you,  Blueberry and very much relating to your difficult days.

I agree absolutely,  that pushing through is one of the worst courses of action.  It was a mantra in my FOO,  which I felt I had to maintain.  But it is very damaging in the long run.  I hope you were able to make the decision about going to work or not, which was right for you. 

I can certainly understand how triggering anything to do with your home town is. I can see how mention of the place and the memories that are then triggered would lead to an EF,  which then gets intertwined with present day issues.

I am so sorry for what you are dealing with at the moment.  I am having a difficult time as well,  but you have helped me to find my voice again, when I haven't felt able to post for quite a while.

Take care, Blueberry.

Libby.

Thanks Libby, for posting. It helps when somebody understands and says so.

Pushing through: the T at the last retreat I was on and my doc both remind(ed) me to slow down and feel what's going on. Pushing through is the opposite of that.

At least my post helped move you to write as you said.  :)

You take care too!  :hug:

I attempted to phone in sick today but they were Not Amused so I went. I notice how hard it is. I'm teaching adults and even though it's a small group, it's a group and my specialty is one-on-one.

Hm, yes, this Journal is about what is beneficial and constructive and this teaching doesn't seem to be. Today there were a couple of people there who weren't there last time, one of whom is pretty difficult imo. I just don't feel up to dealing. I just don't have the inner strength to stand there and show in my body language that I'm the boss, we're moving forward and not fooling about asking irrelevant questions while at the same time showing a welcoming smile in my body language, bringing about group cohesion and paying attention to the rules of the place where I'm teaching which include not calling on individual students to give an answer.

Say I'm teaching math: this would be teaching substraction, the level my students are at. 5-2=3 Let's practise similar. What do I hear? 3+2=5. Twice. From the same person. A loud mouth who knows everything. And who criticises my teaching and nit-picks and also throws in his brilliant knowledge, some of which is wrong. Which he then argues with me. That's just one downside. There's more obviously because I could hardly drag myself there today and I hadn't even met him yet.

I think the main thing is: I don't like teaching groups, I feel out of my depth. It's connected to this cptsd stuff. I've collapsed before when teaching groups and ended up not being able to get back on my feet without inpatient T. That was a good number of years ago, I thought it might have changed and to continue the math metaphor, that was one group of long division and one of geometry rather than substraction. So I had thought maybe the harder subject matter was the problem. Seems not. Today I'm beginning to realise that teaching groups may be one of many things I just cannot do and must accept.

When I got back home I did some small task in my office that I'd been putting off. One thing to help my one-on-one teaching along  :thumbup: :applause:

Now I'll get ready to go to the farm.

standing right next to you, blueberry.    :bighug:  hang tough - i'm hangin' right beside you.  love and hugs, sweetie.

Thanks san!  :thumbup:  :hug:

i've just sent an email turning this teaching job down. I work freelance so I'm not compelled to give notice, my contract asks me to give 'reasonable' notice but can't compel me to. I have said I can do 2 more times in June and even July but then I'm done. If they find somebody before that, I'm more than happy to leave. I wrote I'm not the right person for the job and it's true. If the clients haven't noticed yet, they soon will. And then the company I'm workign for will be at much more of a disadvantage than just having me leaving.

I still note how hard it is. I've switched off my email to protect me from a reply. Not that one is likely to come so late in the evening. Though I have just been mailing back and forth with a computer guy who's going to bring me a new monitor this week, so some people are working this late on a Sunday. It's hard, I forgot to breathe and now I'm jittery. It's like an I.Child in me who expects to be scolded for inconveniencing someone else. Well, I'm going to put some music on and maybe i'll even manage to move to it a bit.

 :thumbup:

good for you.  sounds like you are seeing yourself more clearly and soundly about this.  that's so great.  keep up the good work, sweetie.  you're doing really well.  and i love that you turned off your email for tonite.  way to take care of yourself.  i see it as a pos. thing, very strong on knowing what's ok for you and what isn't at this particular moment.  well done.   love and hugs always, dearie.

Thanks, san.  :) I'm accepting myself and my limitations better.

Today I had to remind myself that I am indeed Blueberry. I had a couple of minutes of feeling like I was splitting up. Idk why. Reminding myself worked. I didn't need to start stamping or pushing off walls.

I did better teaching the group today than I did last week. otoh the really difficult client wasn't there. I had to remind myself that it was still strenuous just not as bad as last week. I also poked around a bit in my gut feelings and discovered that I did make the right decision to hand in my notice.

Atm I'm taking a break from moderating much. It's a beneficial decision. I feel too exhausted and too spaced out to concentrate on other mbrs' posts, to check them or respond to them.

I feel really tired today and I had trouble getting up and getting on with things. But I did eventually.

What I notice since making the decision not to continue looking for P/T employment is that I generally feel less rushed and along with that my self-care is improving a bit. I'm being much better at taking my morning meds. One before breakfast, one after. If you don't have breakfast, the one after is a bit tricky. Even if I do have breakfast, I have been known to forget the 'after' one anyway. I think this is an improvement in mindfulness. I have my mind on myself rather than on 8000 things I ought to be doing and haven't done.

I signed up for a guided tour of a rose garden today. I'm really looking forward to that  :)

I know how hard it is to make such a desicion regarding profession. And I'm glad to hear that you made the one that was ultimatedly the right one for you!
I'm also glad to hear that this has impacted your self-care in a positive way. It's no wonder that you get a little worn out after deciding and doing something about it.

I'm cheering for you!  :cheer:

enjoy the roses, blueberry.  i hope they bring some pos. uplifting of the spirit for you.  you've just done a big thing for yourself, you're being more mindful, taking care of your own needs and, at least to me, being in a flower garden is the perfect cap for all that.

love and hugs, sweetie.

Quote from: Sceal on June 23, 2018, 01:24:30 PM
It's no wonder that you get a little worn out after deciding and doing something about it.

I hadn't thought of that connection! You're undoubtedly right though. I often get exhausted with certain types of moving forward. And yeah, I remember you sometimes post about profession decisions too. That's something we have in common.

Yes, san, I was thinking of the rose tour as some good thing for myself, a celebration, for making that employment decision. The guide pointed out some other flowering plants as well, particularly ones that complement roses quite well. I also learnt some very easy things I can do to help my roses along. Not even rose fertiliser (which I don't buy) but e.g. just how to cut them back properly, how and when to water, covering or not in winter. Of course I've looked in books before but I'm better off when somebody shows me during a whole rose context. Stays in my brain better.

__________________________________
During the rose tour an acquaintance from the LETS group, which I've posted about before, started talking to me, gossiping really about LETS in a pretty negative way. I have a lot of negative thoughts about LETS too but when I tried to do something about changing LETS, nobody stood up for and with me. They were and still are apparently happy to complain about it, but do something?? No.
I don't want to go into the whole internal politics of LETS again because it's obvious to me now that it reminds me on quite a number of levels of my own dysfunctional FOO. I said I didn't want to go into it because really difficult and heard "Yes, I understand and the terrible thing is they do this and....." So I interrupted and reiterated my non-desire to continue and this acquaintance actually gave up and we talked of other things like roses.  :cheer:

I'm getting better at standing up for my needs and not allowing myself to be bulldozed into being a sounding-off board for others' problems.

For me the rose tour was a bit marred by how the guide treated an elderly man in a wheelchair and his wife. They'd asked especially in advance if they could do the tour with a wheelchair and were told 'yes'. The park with the roses is wheelchair-accessible but our guide insisted on going the way she usually does, up a flight of steps, where we'd meet them at the top. Sounded OK to me, but then she held a huge long lecture on the steps about fertilisers etc. in a place where the wheelchair couple couldn't have seen or heard us. By the time we got to the top, they were nowhere to be seen. We took so long they gave up, thought they were in the wrong place. When the guide was phoned in the middle of the tour, it was the local museum (who organises these types of tours) asking where we'd got to. The guide told us she would give this couple their own tour then later, but managed to blame them at the same time for giving up, and didn't seem to realise she was the one who excluded them due to her own rigidity. Well, that's how I saw it anyway. Disabled people have a right to be included where possible and it would have been possible. It's not just about the information, it's about being accepted into a group to spend a nice couple of hours with other people interested in roses.

Why does this bother me so much? FOO of course. I know all about being excluded from a group at the instigation of one or two people. Being me, I even eventually said something on the steps during the rose tour, also because I was cold - stone steps, shade. It wasn't warm. The guide was in the sun. Ha! It was all about her, that's what's getting in my craw.

Anyway NTS: concentrate on the good parts of the tour - all the perfumed roses I sniffed, all the other flowers I saw, especially those buzzing with bees, generally good feeling in the group, somebody who told a couple of jokes at odd intervals which lightened things up, the information I gleaned, and then sticking up for myself and my boundaries.  :)

Oh dear, I did it again. I spent so much time on here including replying to others that I don't really have time to write an email to a friend about clearing up some issues in our friendship. And I also feel bad about one reply - it wasn't enough etc etc. That harks back to FOO of course.

sweet blueberry, i have to admit i've found myself in that situation a time or two as well.  i hope you can be easy with yourself.  all will come to fruition in its own good time.   love you, big warm, caring hug.

Thanks, san. That's true. Everything will come to fruition at its own pace in own time.

Today I simply remained in bed till the afternoon and I'm basically OK about that. I had been feeling exhausted, so bed is a good place.

I also feel now it's an anticlimax phase. I made my decision to stop looking for p/t employment and to accept that I do have certain limitations in the working world, and happy and healthy ever after. But  :doh: that's not how it works. Feel good for a few days at making this decision then go back to my normal struggles of even getting up, or seeing the good instead of the bad, or not giving in to depression, or just 'getting on with things' and in that case which things?

I've had a new monitor on my computer since Thurs. This is good, my monitor was making very strange noises but my printer is still not working properly. The computer guy sent me a link but I haven't managed to work it out. Feel a bit useless.  :fallingbricks: Though really he probably sent it to me to help, so I wouldn't have to pay for him to come again. He knows I'm not well and earnings are slim. NTS - be brave and ask him to come again. It's bad business-wise to have a non-functioning printer and I don't like asking friends when I could pay somebody.

FOO crops up in dreams atm. I'm making a concerted efforted to just not think about them in my waking hours, not churn over in my mind what they all did and said since my T suggested that is a way to hurt myself over and over again. In the dreams they're actually acting fairly healthily, but I won't allow myself to be fooled and dragged back in again. Even GC bro blew his cover last time I saw them all.

The other bro has an important birthday coming up. I'm not recognising it either. Little nephew's birthday was almost a month ago and although I bought him a card and present and wrapped it all up, I never sent it. It seems the effort of showing myself, maybe the courage too (?), are too much for me in trying to be aunt to the little ones. Well, I'll maybe get it off and then I think I'll make that the last one to the little ones apart from my goddaughter.

Now would be a good idea to finally write that email to a friend, tho I'll just pop over to the Potting Shed thread beforehand.

I notice looking back in my emails that I've already written much of what I have in my head to write. The reply was merely "sorry for going over your boundaries" whereas I don't think that's all what she was doing. More likely not even thinking I have the right to have any. It was enough re-reading that. Can't write anymore tonight.

 :hug: Thinking of you

Thanks Sceal  :hug:
At least I pushed through with email to computer guy.  :applause: I can't help somehow feeling like a bit of a burden, though I'll be paying. Obviously an EF.

i, too, hate that feeling that 'finally, all's well', then pop back into the muck a few days later.  it's wearing.

i think you did good with the computer stuff.  yay, you.

just sending hugs  :hug: :hug: :hug:.   i've had similar dreams where my nc daughter is her fun self, and we get along really well.  however, it never makes me want to go back to her, like maybe it'll be different.  i think of it as a gift, that for a few moments i was able to spend enjoyable time with her, and i'm thankful for that.

i think it would be horrible to have those types of dreams try to pull you back.  i'm really glad you're resisting, sweetie.  well done.   lots of love.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 24, 2018, 07:54:39 PM
   i think of it as a gift, that for a few moments i was able to spend enjoyable time with her, and i'm thankful for that.

That's a novel way of looking at it. Neat idea.

Computer guy came. After much work, he got printer going again. Yay! I didn't get up till shortly before he came. Depression with a capital D. I think I was hiding in bed a) because I need to shower and wash hair and b) because I've taken on a small contract of the harder professional work I do. Now that the printer is functioning, it should feel easier because now I don't have to scrounge around for somebody else's printer tomorrow morning. Just need to do the thing itself.

Also I dreamt that one of the chairs outside my office disappeared so I'm not sure what worry that signifies... And enF let drop the information that SIL2 has a sabbatical presumably starting in the fall in M and F's country, meaning that at least some of the year my little niece and goddaughter will be much closer geographically - same continent at least.   :fallingbricks: I feel kind of - I should hurry up and get something sorted with my B. But then remember - no, I'm focussing on my own life and recovery, and the fact that my niece will be a couple thousand miles closer doesn't signify much since I'm barely in contact with my B and not at all with SIL.

good catch, blueberry.  self-focus is always important.  the more we can keep our eyes on our priority of healing, the better off we'll be, to my mind.  they'll take care of themselves - they're adults, too.  well done.

glad your printer is fixed.  i hate it when those kinds of things go out of whack.  but, on your way again.  love and hugs.

B, SIL and all that will take care of themselves. It was more my sudden surge of "hey, little niece won't be so far away" that was the issue. But without me giving context, that probably wasn't clear at all. Anyway, she won't be that close at all, just a bit closer than usual.

It's probably good to be prepared for suggestions from enF that I go over and visit them so as to see my nieces. No way, considering what happened last time. Focus on self. I'm not even sure what my recovery is today. Since I've given up idea of getting a p/t job, it seems I need to figure out where I'm going otherwise. I suppose: remembering I have value as a human, even without earning enough to live off. And then focus on what helps me to want to keep going: nature, plants, flowers, singing, one-on-one teaching, friends.

I've come back on to touch bases, just to get the good vibes from here. I allowed myself to get into a discussion with someone on FOO issues. She has her own FOO issues. I was more venting than anything and she started giving me helpful hints which aren't helpful when you're venting. Things like "they won't change" which I basically know cognitively but not always emotionally. I did end the discussion but a bit too late for myself. She meant well, I know.

I'm sure I give helpful hints too when people are just venting, including on here, so got a taste of my own medicine so to speak. Doesn't taste too nice, I feel sad and hurt.  Well, I will get better at ending conversations that aren't good for me earlier. It's practice.

Probably I'm feeling a bit below par because I've just come back from a funeral of somebody I didn't know at all. But I do know her daughter and apparently there were quite a lot of issues in their family too. So I'm glad I went, with three other people I know to support the daughter, our choir director. But it did get me thinking about FOO issues.

In retrospect I shouldn't have dropped by that other place (where I got into a discussion) after the funeral, I should just have come straight home, re-sorted myself and then got on with what I have to now: finish that contract work and get it in the post. Oh well, we all make mistakes. Me too, I made a mistake. Learn from it, forgive self, move on.

Learn from it, forgive self, move on.

sage advice, to yourself and all of us.  you're right, we will make mistakes.  i've often heard that mistakes aren't bad, just learning opportunities.  also, part of being human.

learning when to get into those types of conversations, as well as learning when to get out are just what you said, blueberry - they take practice.  i think it's a process of recognition.  one thing i learned about some of those vents is to tell the other person 'i don't want any advice right now, i'd just like to vent.   maybe later'.  that's helped me a lot to just let it out and then give myself time to re-group and eventually ask, 'ok, do you have any thoughts?'

that way, too, i put the idea into my own mind that those are simply thoughts that belong to another person, and not necessarily need to be followed, or taken to heart.  someone else's opinion, rather than a universal truth.  that kind of thing would stop me in my tracks all too often in the past.

so, way to go, blueberry.  progress and practice rather than perfection.  we're all learning here.  love and hugs.

 :cheer: I finished my contract work and got it into the post in time  :cheer:

yahoo!   :applause:  well done!!!  way to go, sweetie.    :hug:

I've known since this morning that the group lesson I might have had to teach tomorrow won't need me tomorrow or ever again. The company has found somebody else. This evening it kind of sunk in and all of a sudden I feel space somehow to start doing other things. I even feel that I can make a little list for tomorrow. Phone lawyer for an appointment, phone dentist for same, and since the weather's not so good atm some cleaning and tidying would certainly be in order!

I even feel the wherewithall to get that parcel to a FOO child into the post. It's not as if I feel that I should do it. It's that I feel as if some blockage has been swept away so that there's momentum and impetus to do such things. I always have the image of a stream in my mind which is all clogged up with branches and debris etc at some spot. Eventually something comes free and floats off downstream and other debris loosens and follows. They clog up again later somewhere else or else there's another clog in the same spot. 

Now to get onto an email reply to the friend I mentioned a few posts back  ;)

Well, at least I've finally started working on a reply. I always leave that kind of email / letter overnight before posting so as not to say too much or the wrong thing. I always end up revising the next day so it's definitely good for me to leave it overnight. I feel slightly confused or foggy now anyway, so I need to take a break. But I have started  :thumbup:

sounds like things are clearing up for you really well, blueberry.  i remember when it was a regular thing for you to ignore messes for long periods of time, too tired, little energy, you just wanted to stay in bed.  now look at you.  a block of time opens up and you're looking to fill it with something fun or worthwhile - something constructive for your life.  i'm so happy for you that this is happening.  it sounds great.  love and hugs!

Wow, you remember how it used to be for me. I'm impressed and touched.

I have been ignoring the mess in my apartment for a pretty long while now, again. Haven't started it yet today either  :blink: but have got those 2 appointments (dentist and lawyer). The dentist one will help avoid a real mess in my mouth, or the mess gettign worse. I also inquired about a one-on-one computer course I've been intending to inquire about for a while . If I sign up for it, it'll help me with my harder professional work. I can't sign up till Monday, but at least I finally inquired  :cheer: which means that I unconsciously feel the space, time, energy for it. Conversely when I don't inquire and/or make appointments eg. dentist I unconsciously feel a lack of space, time or energy. Just realised that now.  :thumbup: - realisations are beneficial.

I have written a postcard to a little friend of mine, my non-FOO godson, and a note to his mother. Even the card and the notepaper have been lying around for a while, so now they're in an envelope, rather than adding to the mess :) Writing to my godson is beneficial too because obviously it's good for our relationship to stay in touch but I was also reliving a fun afternoon watching a bird-of-prey show and feeding Barbary apes.  :)

i agree that realizations are beneficial, and that they can also be difficult to negotiate until we get the hang of what they mean for us.  as far as the mess in your surroundings, taking care of the mess in your  mouth may be just as important, so congrats to you.  the other mess will wait, without judgment, till you're ready to tackle it.

keep going, sweetie.  i think you're doing great - i really do.  love and hugs, and good luck with the dentist. 

Today I didn't get up till after midday. I was awake, I just didn't get up. Possibly i'd planned to do too many things today. Not that many at all, but somehow too much for me.

I spent a lot of time today with a friend who regularily talks the hind legs off a donkey. I wasn't always alone with her, there were other people around too. Sometimes when doing various jobs I was doing, I just closed my ears so to speak. It's exhausting. I don't think she'll change either, I think that's just the way she is. Today she reminded me of M and M's FOO.

I either need to say something or withdraw. What do you say? "I like you and I really do appreciate our friendship but you talk too much." Can't picture myself saying that. Difficult.

Quote from: Blueberry on June 30, 2018, 07:33:14 PM
I spent a lot of time today with a friend who regularily talks the hind legs off a donkey. .. It's exhausting. I don't think she'll change either, I think that's just the way she is. Today she reminded me of M and M's FOO.

I either need to say something or withdraw. What do you say? "I like you and I really do appreciate our friendship but you talk too much." Can't picture myself saying that. Difficult.

It occurred to me a bit later that not saying something and/or doing boundaries is the way I acted in FOO too for years. Even when people gave suggestions about how I could act or what I could say, I couldn't picture it and said it was difficult. Like a T once suggested I shake M's hand in greeting instead of putting up with a hug. I couldn't imagine doing that because shaking hands with someone you already know especially a woman is not so much part of anglo-saxon culture as it is in my country of residence. So it's like I didn't dare even introduce some other form of greeting / contact cuz not what M is used to.

Last time I saw M I didn't do either. Just said "Hello". So a change obviously is possible. Even when I think it isn't. When I think it isn't, it's because I'm putting the other person's comfort or habits or something in a higher position than my own comfort and boundaries. Learned behaviour. Can be unlearned.

_________________________

Today I got a request to zip across the road and do some of my hardest professional work off-the-cuff. It wasn't bad at all actually which had to do with the nature of it today i.e. wouldn't always be this stress-free. But still it's good that can happen from time to time. And I feel I did something useful and constructive, which in turn is beneficial. Also earned a bit of money too.

I feel very easily annoyed today by little things. People are too loud. Somebody makes a jocular remark in my direction, probably trying to be friendly or something. I just don't have the emotional wherewithall to deal with it.

I feel like a nasty person because I'm having disagreements of one sort or another with various different friends atm. At least four of them now. They don't necessarily know about the disagreement, might be in my head atm but also been building for a while. e.g. the mother of my godson, who I consider a really good friend. I remember when he was smaller she said that whenever I felt up to having him to visit at my place for overnight 'of course' she'd bring him over by car but now she has time only on one weekend throughout the whole 6 weeks of summer holiday because otherwise the days are all full up. So that's their family's set of priorities. In the past 6 months she has tried to pretty heavily suggest that if he were to visit me, I would either collect him or take him home from my place. It's an almost 3 hour train ride, one way which means I'd be 6 hours travelling. But when I visit them at their place I take the train both ways, so I think it would be fair when he visits me for them to bring him until he's old enough to do the train trip himself. It's also a much shorter route by car and quicker. Things change, times change. Probably at the time she said they'd bring my godson to visit, she could envisage that and now she can't. She or her husband drove their older two children to see their godparents for the day or weekend. That probably doesn't fit their plans anymore because the older all the children get, the more is going on in everybody's lives and they don't have time. It probably has nothing to do with me.

It would make sense to bring this topic into the open air and discuss, but that's always very difficult for me. I hear B1 in my head saying "You gotta understand..." e.g. that life for others is too stressful. 'Understand' means "accept" of course. And I can also hear my M ridiculing me for my "whiney little voice" which was just an excuse not to listen to me. If she could find something wrong with the way I addressed an issue like my voice or wrong usage of words or I was crying, then hey presto problem erased simply by refusing to listen to me on account of my "bad behavior" e.g. crying and all that. A therapist said a long time ago that when you're uncertain and worried about broaching a subject your voice changes. People hear it in your voice automatically unless you're a robot, but I wasn't, I was a little girl and then a teenager. M used my subtle expression of emotion in order to find an excuse not to listen to me. And that's still affecting me.

We had tentatively planned for me to go and visit in two and a half weeks for the weekend but I have the feeling now that she's backing out because too stressed, I may also do so. It sounds like tit for tat, but it's not actually. It's looking out for myself as she is looking out for herself. There's so much going on atm internally and I had been increasingly having trouble keeping up with the pace of their family when i'm on visits anyway. Last time I even blew a minor fuse because I couldn't keep going, hadn't managed to get out of a situation fast enough to not blow a fuse. I suppose it was an EF.

LOng post, but writing has helped me sort it a little bit.

Hi Blueberry,  :hug: to you. 
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :)  :hug:

So I had some of the usual dreams of my space being invaded. At least in the dream I complained to somebody, I think a landlord, though it wasn't my actual landlord. So that's progress over dreams of this type in the past.

This time somebody else had a key to my office and had been using it for a while on the sly but 'yesterday evening' the man had put his own furniture in and claimed it had been let to him by somebody completely different from my landlords. Undoubtedly this is a reaction to the generally uncertainty I feel atm with what's happening when in house and garden and the fact that getting information from my lls is like pulling teeth. Combined with my own difficulty cornering them and saying "Would you give me that information NOW instead of putting me off again!!" They still haven't told me what they're lowering my office rent to and 6 weeks have passed by since they said they'd lower it. So I've paid the normal rent twice now.  :pissed: :pissed: And I have asked them again for the information.

I feel very low today, even though I wrote 4 Good Things on the 3 Good Things thread. If I remember rightly, children sometimes need more sleep when going through (physical) growth spurts, so why not when going through emotional growth spurts too? With all these realisations and shifts going on in my perspective, there is a lot going on internally.

Later: I think the low feeling and feelings of irritability when around other people are to do with the murky depths coming up now that i'm no longer covering them up with trying to 'hold it together' so that I can keep working. I'm OK with that. Not that I enjoy the murky depths but looking at and feeling them seems to be part of my healing journey.

Relevant words from my T which I found on another post of mine: "My T said contact with people won't stay if you can't set a limit and if you aren't allowed to speak up about a problem you're having with that person's words / actions / deeds or even speak up about realising there's a problem developing between you, but you need to talk about it! And if you can't, then time to re-think, let go probably."

Oh gee. So many problems cropping up in friendships atm. Not to mention elsewhere - e.g. neighbours, continuing in FOO etc. But it's not because I'm such a terrible person, it's because I've mostly not allowed myself or been brave enough to speak up about a problem developing because of all the gaslighting and emotional abuse I endured in FOO when I tried.

Dear Blueberry,
Sending you a hug, because I know you're feeling a bit low ATM and I hope that your friendship problems will find some resolution -  :hug: to you.
Hope  :)

Thank you so much Hope!  :hug:

I'm discussing an outing with my godson and his mother via email and I did say I'd prefer she doesn't arrange to meet up with other friends of hers as well because that just further complicates the issue and would make our outing more stressful. I mean, she's the one who admits she's close to burnout and that's why that's the only time in the whole summer holidays when she can bring my godson to me.

She said once before months ago she wasn't going to try to meet up with two or three different people when she comes back to this town for a visit because it was too stressful. Ok, well, then please not when you're meeting up with me either! I didn't say that of course but that's how I feel. The outing I arranged through my farm connections  ;D is something she's being trying to do with her FOC for a couple of years! Her DH is not interested however. So I think to myself "Please appreciate my inquiring and planning and don't make this stressful for me and you by changing plans at the last minute to include other friends' wants and desires! They could visit you in your current town after all, the way I do, but they don't (have time / make time)."
The slight irony is: they all have cars at their disposal and my friend does comment sometimes on how long my journey is door-to-door when I visit them, since at least twice as long time-wise as driving. But this fact doesn't translate into her other friends driving over to visit her, tho it could easily be done in a day. Nor does it translate into her bringing my godson over to spare me the train trip. Because the car trip is too long, she'd only do it if she can combine with something else to make it 'worth it'. It's a question of priorities in friendships, more than the car journeys the people are using as excuses.

Anyway it's good that I'm being proactive and stating my wishes in advance.   :thumbup: :thumbup:

I've just been at church and sung with gusto. Both singing and the service itself did me good. I noticed an inclination to start sorting something out with my brother re my niece/goddaughter. Doesn't mean I'll necessarily act on it tomorrow because negotiating with FOO takes an awful lot out of me, but just the inclination raising its head again is a good sign.

I notice: emotional overload. When I'm not able to  review the last days to see what sins I might have committed (sins for me being non-beneficial activities such as compulsive over-eating but also maybe how I treat other people or myself), I know it's to do with overload.

I kept having to stifle yawns and noticed at least there how tired I feel. otoh there was a friendly feel round about me and everybody joined in the Peace part of the service, which isn't always the case.

I went on a cycle today where a plant guide was with us and we stopped at intervals and looked at specific flowers and sometimes butterflies too. Being outside in nature is usually beneficial to me. The more I look at flowers and plants in general the more I observe and the more I learn. It's also a topic that helps me with my will to keep going, see a reason for living.

I noticed a few days ago at the farm that I need a break for a little while so I won't be doing my fairly usual Monday work for two weeks at least, though I may go on Wed., I'll see. It's good that I'm heeding my inner voice to take a break from Mon work.

I feel an impulse to do a few things in my freelance business, so that's good. Yesterday I put up my summer advertising for when things are really slow in a couple of weeks. I note I'm a bit earlier with it than I was last year.  :thumbup:

blueberry, you're amazing.

look at you, listening to what you need to do, what you need to not do, how everything's affecting you, and even getting your business stuff prepared and ready to go.  wowser, girl. 

i love flowers, and think it's so cool that you were able to go with a guide to observe and identify.  so wonderful.

keep up the good work.  you really are moving right along, sweetie.  love it, love you.  big hug.

I don't feel very amazing today, san. Shows how fast things can flip. Though probably they've been going flipside for a couple of days and me trying to concentrate on Good Things. Not a bad thing either.

Today I got up, opened my curtains and went back to bed where I lay and did crosswords and dozed. I know I had some bad dreams, though they might have been before I got up the first time partially I don't know. In the worst bad dream I was at some big FOO celebration and realised I needed to leave and come home about an hour after I arrived because I was doing so badly. And being treated badly. Though I did a little of that myself. The one SIL walked past me in a narrow passageway and pretended she didn't know me, then stepped on my foot, so I bit her in the shoulder. Not something I would do IRL.

I think I'm doing badly atm partly because of my big and good decision to give up trying for proper employment. I still think my decision is realistic, but... it's not easy for me. I appreciate comments from others who gave up employment long before proper retirement age. I know I'm not alone on here with that issue. But it's still hard for me. I thought about putting a post under Difficult Day again but couldn't think of a title other than Difficult Day so writing here instead.

Hi Blueberry,
I know it's probably not a great thing to do IRL - i.e. to bite someone on the shoulder, but the fact you did that in your dream to your SIL - maybe it shows you're standing up for yourself in the dream, afterall - she stepped on your foot.  Interesting that you had that dream.

Sorry to hear you're not feeling very amazing today - but you've been focusing on many things - and maybe you just need some space and some time.  Be kind to yourself.

Regarding your work thoughts - I have ended up not working - much earlier than official retirement - mainly because I couldn't sustain it - too many issues surfaced at the same time - and I'm not sure I'll be going into any other form of work.  I'm only in my early 50's - but I've saved during my career, and I had a successful career - so I am just being sensible with my current money and managing - plus of course I do have a partner and so we do support each other.

But the fact you've made a decision to give up trying to look for proper employment, and the fact it feels like a 'good' decision - that bodes well.  I know it's not easy though.  I do however think that if you can cope financially - then putting your health first is the main thing. 

I don't think my comments will be helpful - but I wanted to put them out there, as they came to my mind.

Hope  :)

Thanks for your take on my dream Hope. I hadn't thought of it that way - I was standing up for myself. It was a dream after all, I don't need to display examplary behaviour there. The bite could be symbolic and at least it was open rather than the covert way my SIL acted. In a narrow passageway other people can't see someone stepping on your foot.

Also thanks for your reminder to be kind to myself and that maybe I just need space and time.  :) That's actually usually the case. That and reminding myself to drop 'should' in the bin and ask myself what I 'want' to do. If the answer is lie in bed and do crossword puzzles, well, then I can do that. I know that I do stop eventually when I feel enough of an impulse to do something else.

Thanks also for your thoughts on stopping your career. I guess it's a similar thing for both of us - too many issues coming up at the same time for either of us to cope. I'm a little younger than you and I don't feel that I had a successful career before I had to give up due to complete breakdown almost 20 years ago, though maybe i'm looking at that through the dark glasses of FOO still? Partly it's me feeling I need to be useful, but that's a remnant from life with FOO, me still trying not to be a burden on the world, society at large... I didn't work very long at all before I couldn't anymore, but that's just the luck of the draw in part and partly a reflection of how badly FOO abuse affected my ability to work. It's hard for me to accept but it's good to be able to write on here about it.

Hope, I'm really sad that you often question the usefulness of what you write or you question whether anyone will understand you. I've never found a post of yours to me non-useful! It doesn't matter whether you're just saying "hello" and sending hugs or whether you're writing more, your posts are caring and I'm always interested to see what you wrote. I don't think I've ever not understood. If I did, I'd pm and ask. I'm sad for Little Hope who I presume was taught these messages by her FOO. I was taught similar actually, but it's easier for me to feel sadder for somebody else and somebody else's Little Self.

hey, blueberry,

i thought the same as hope re: biting your sil - that you were standing up for yourself.  i thought it was a good thing.

may i just say that simply because you might not feel amazing on any given day doesn't mean that the amazing person who is blueberry isn't evident to the rest of us.  you can be amazing while lying in bed doing crossword puzzles.  those are great brain exercises, so you're still doing something constructive for yourself.

even if you weren't, you are someone who continues to work hard at healing her wounds, and needs a day every so often to recharge.  nothing to be ashamed of or guilty about with that, and nothing non-amazing about it, either.   plus, most every day you are giving of yourself to others here, whether by posting in your journal or actively doing your mod duties.    you are truly amazing on many levels.

and, hope, i agree with blueberry about your posts.  i always see them as caring, thoughtful, warm, and welcome.  i hope that soon you will be able to know that about yourself.

sending love to you, with a warm, caring hug filled with days to work and days to rest, neither being better nor worse than the other.

Thank you for your kind and honest words san.  :)  :hug:

I did the same thing today too. Lay in bed for ages doing crossword puzzles. Got up earlier than yesterday though  :thumbup: After reading your words, it's easier for me to accept myself with being how I am and doing what I have an impulse to do (within reason).

Hi Blueberry,
What you said to me in your reply above - it has been incredibly helpful to me - I can't say much more than that for now, as my mind has gone a bit blank, but honestly - it touched a core part of me, and thank you - it's helped me come to a realisation - I hope to write more about it in my diary at some point - but wanted to just say thank you.   :hug:

I am glad that you are finding it easier to accept yourself and doing the things you're doing.  I think you are doing really well.

Hope   :)

Hi Hope,
I'm glad it was so helpful to you  :)

_______________________________________

Beneficial: I went into the garden this early evening instead of going to buy something sweet to eat. While in the garden I noticed that landlord's deep trench running at right angles to my berry bed has just expanded. I'm really going to have to try and move my plants asap.

Beforehand though I need to 1) finish picking red and blackcurrants 2) look up how to move my two currant bushes best mid-season 3) find out from landlord where I can conceivably move them to so as to not have to move them again in a year or two. It would also be helpful to at least ask my landlord if he'd be willing to commission one of his workers to dig me a hole or two for my currant bushes. It's not my fault that the ground is being dug out from under them after all and his workers - with the proper equipment e.g. pickaxe - can dig faster and more efficiently than I can. The ground is pretty hard due to lack of rain and due to being full of large stones, old rooftiles, half bricks and thick roots running all over the place just a few inches below the surface. So you start digging and then discover you can't get any further, well at least I do, but his workman seems to be getting on fairly well.

Needless to say, requests for information like no. 3 (plus the changed rent) and for favours like no. 4 are not easy :spooked:. So I may have been hiding in bed the past couple of days doing crosswords to avoid that. Yes, resting too probably, but also avoiding and/or getting up the energy and courage to get going on it.

I have quite a lot of impulses atm too e.g. Recovery Letters and various realisations. Still, before I do any of them, I should send an email to my ll. He'll be up tomorrow and working at 7 am and maybe he'll even read my email and respond, who knows?

good luck with the ll and your currants.  mmmm, i do love currants.  i hope they get moved safely and prosper in their new location.

and good for you for going to the garden instead of reaching for that sweetie thing.  well done. 

resting or gathering energy in order to take on a task - sounds familiar to me.  been there, done that many, many times.  you're definitely not alone.   love and hugs.

No response from ll.

Things are generally difficult atm. That's all I can say. Feeling non-verbal.

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

Thanks san!

I did some Screen Processing this evening. It went very quickly. I had SIL up on the screen and then all of my FOO went up all around her as her team, her side so to speak. One of my Helpers shoved them all into the picture frame with SIL because that's where they're meant to be. It's hard for me to allow things like that, because it's violent, but I explained to myself the images were being shoved, not the people themselves. So then it worked.

Often  I have bullet-proof glass up between me and the Screen as a protection but this time I had some black material so as not to even see all those images on the screen. The connection was very strong and very difficult to interrupt until my Helpers started massaging my end of the connection. That was the most important message: energy and time on and for me. Ignore SIL and FOO.

Nonetheless it usually takes a while for the full impact of such a session to come through.

Now I've just got back from an evening games session at my local library. At the beginning I felt like a zombie unable to even understand the game instructions but after about an hour I was having a pretty good time and well able to follow the game and come up with creative solutions.  :)

Hi Blueberry,
This sounds like a really constructive session of Screen Processing.  Also, great to hear that you were able to enjoy those Games sessions at the local library - and that you were able to follow the game and that you came up with some creative solutions.   :hug: to you, Blueberry.

Hope  :)

I was at the farm this afternoon for the first time in about 10 days. It did me good though I'm pretty tired now. I tend to crave sweet stuff after farm work. That's less good needless to say. I get good food at the farm - the meals are healthy, varied and normally plentiful and mostly tasty. I never have to cook, which is nice too. Still, come home and crave sweet stuff. So far in T no willingness to look at the issue. My doc says my body is obviously managing to compensate even though I'm not always very kind or caring to it. I'm surprised I don't have one of any number of long-term physical ailments but the possibility of getting one isn't enough to get me to eat healthily daily.

The one thing my doc said I should please do if at all possible is take my thyroid medication regularly. It's difficult in shaky spells especially when the EF catapults me into questioning the purpose of everything other than eating. With "should" and "must" (words and concepts) being very triggering for me, I need to want to keep going in order to take my meds, especially the thyroid. My doc says: please thyroid! If it's easier then leave anti-deps off. Today I took both though. But he knows there's no point in saying: "Ms Blueberry you have to take your meds! / You really should take your meds! / Don't you even want to get well again?? / You obviously just sit there expecting somebody else to do it for you!" I've heard that all before over the years and it's not useful.

In conversation with my doc and also when I'm sitting in the waiting room, I can feel pretty deeply into what's going on. It's one of these places other than on here and at my therapist's, as well as on the way to and from therapy in the train where I can actually write in my paper Journal without being overwhelmed with SH impulse. The last inpatient therapy I did - must be about 4 years ago by now - one of the therapists was big on telling us "don't be judgemental towards self". She was always saying that in the trauma groups anyway, but had colleagues who were quite judgemental of me and towards me in other trauma groups! Being judgemental in FOO was a huge thing and I'm pretty sure it still is, so it's very triggering. My doc and my T aren't judgemental at all. I realised yesterday at my doc's that that's why conversation with them and time in their waiting rooms or immediately after I've been there are all good times to further process, write things down without SH.

I think myself it would be beneficial for me to put either reluctance to take my thyroid meds regularly on the Screen or project the topic into the future on the Screen. That would mean seeing myself taking it in the future with ease and seeing what I can add to the image on Screen to help it be easy daily. Maybe I'll even manage it before I next have therapy in just under 2 weeks, so that I can use the T appointment for something else or to delve deeper into topics I've already had on the Screen.

I went on an organised bike tour this morning. It was fun and did me good and all that... but there were a couple of little incidents. Somebody who was not the group leader would every so often announce where we were going. "We turn right here" in a big loud voice instead of waiting for the leader to say anything or signal. Big Loud Voice was often ahead of the leader too, which she shouldn't have been most of the time.

I notice now in retrospect that these situations stressed me. I felt somehow 'hurried' the time BLV said "We turn right here" because we actually were all stopped and having a couple minutes break and normally a tour leader will glance around the group and see when the great majority are ready to move on, or are people still chugging water etc.

Some people might manage calmly to say "Excuse me, I feel hurried. Can you just allow us to have our break in peace?" Not me. I said that our tour leader was the one to decide and when BLV argued back, I said "could be" and repeated the bit about our tour leader. After speaking, I could feel the annoyance in me physically. I managed to calm that down once we were back on our bikes and riding so that was good. But I noted in a group of 18 people, I was the only one who openly contradicted, showed annoyance etc. Except the tour leader at a previous break had mentioned it to a few of us who were standing about. (I'm in the same bike association as her, both us somewhat active though I don't guide tours, I do other stuff so not untoward that she mentioned it.) 

This is my thought now in retrospect: Maybe it really was particularly my own annoyance that made me speak up and tell BLV 'where to go' and not what it apparently looks like to other people - that I'm taking on some other person's job i.e. instead of letting the tour leader deal with it? I have noticed during long years of healing that when I manage to delve down into the reasons behind decisions it's often not the easy, 'lay-person' explanation, e.g. "You don't eat for a few days to make people feel sorry for you." Um, no, actually it's much more complicated and complex.

I often felt hurried as a child particularly by M. That's what I'm remembering now. And so today I finally said something. So I'm sitting with this fact now. It really is OK to speak up with what's going on. It's really OK to maybe not use 100% correct wording the way you might learn to do in 'How To Defuse the Situation' seminars or in Non-Violent Communication, or to absolutely correctly feel what's bothering me at the time!! :yes: I don't have to be perfect. 

Good on you, Blueberry,  for speaking up. You had a perfect right to say that you wanted the full break from cycling,  and that it wasn't the place of BLV to decide, unilaterally,  that the break was over. I know I would feel the same way, but speaking up would be either impossible or leave me feeling really,  really bad. The fact that you spoke up and then "sat with"  the fact that you did it,  and the emotions you felt,  is a great achievement.  Something I need to work on, and like you point out,  definitely a hang over from FOO where we were treated without care but unable to speak up without guilt and shame.

I hope you don't mind me asking about your situation with seeing your godson over the summer,  given all the different factors involved.  It's just that I am struggling with something very similar,  where my feeling is just to give up bothering. Only if you don't mind, but l would be interested.

Take care.

Libby.

Thank you Libby for comments on my Great Achievement! They too help instil in me the idea that I did nothing wrong.

About my godson: tomorrow would have been the day to go and visit him and family to be at the music school concert he's playing in. But I'm not going. Maybe today I'll finally get a postcard to him and a note to his M into the post? That would be something. Or I could phone him too about the concert. But go? No. In a couple of weeks the plan is that his M is bringing him for an overnight holiday in my general geographic area and collecting me to join them. That's it for the summer. It could be that I will do something with him in the early fall because I owe him (birthday present for a nature outing) and then I'll see.

I don't have the feeling I want to give up 'bothering' more that I owe it to myself to arrange contact in such a way that I can look after my needs too. That involves practice. Going and doing the steps and seeing what works and how.

I think I need / want to give up 'bothering' with FOO children though, one of whom is my goddaughter, because the tiniest contact with FOO adults harms me. 'Tiniest contact' includes one of them drifting through my thoughts, which is what happens when I think of a present or card for the FOO chidren. There's also no way to arrange any kind of contact where my needs are met or even considered worthy of being met.

Hope this helps. PM me if you want to.

good for you, blueberry.  i've jumped in and said stuff, too, when maybe it wasn't my place, or when nobody else made an effort or complaint.    sometimes leaders just aren't enough of a leader to take on such a responsibility.  you, however, showed leadership qualities there.

no, we're not going to be perfect at this, but that's ok, too.  you did what you thought was right, no intent to harm anyone or put them down in a demoralizing fashion, so i find nothing inherently wrong with what you did.  i also agree with you about things being a lot more complex under the surface than others might realize.

well done for standing up for yourself.  love and hugs, sweetie.

 :cheer: A bit of a breakthrough  :cheer:

After some pain in my hands, which had no physical reason for being except possibly general body tension, I started rubbing body lotion into them (self-care) and yawning like crazy. Yawning like that usually means physical tension is being released or something is taking place in my subconscious. Or in fact most likely both as today. Then came an image of me doing EFT, tapping through the sentence "I love and accept myself even when I make progress" which brought on a whole load more yawning. So I think in the next couple of days I'll try and work with that sentence a bit. I think working on this will go some way to counteracting my tendency to trip myself up and to sabotage my own progress, partially with every tiny little step exhausting me so much. So it usually feels as if I have no control over it really. It's less exhausting if I just imagine myself doing the EFT rather than actually doing it so I may try that option first.

The pain in my hands went away when the sentence "I love and accept myself even when I make progress" came.  :thumbup:

yay, you!    :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

great realization.  i really like that affirmation - it makes a lot of sense to me.    :thumbup:

I came on here a little while ago to make a post but I did moderating instead, which wasn't very beneficial for myself.

I had been about to write an email starting with "I won't actually ever be better" then noticed how sad that was making me and wanted to mention the sadness here. The email would have been to somebody who was offering me help and suggesting it might be important to care for myself and improve my health before I worry about Little Furries' health. I was going to ask the person if the offer of help is still valid, because if so I'd gladly take her up on it.

Maybe I'll write tomorrow. It feels too much tonight.

Hi Blueberry,
I don't know if what I'll write will make sense, but I wanted to share my thoughts that came up when you wrote this entry in your journal - i.e. that you mentioned that you did some Moderating on here instead of another course of action, and you felt it wasn't very beneficial to yourself.  Then you spoke of the suggestion of that person who had said that "it might be important to care for myself and improve my health before I worry about Little Furries' health" - and I thought of the parallel between that, and maybe your wish to help people here in this place (via Moderating) and the 'Furries' that you care for - and that you were putting both those needs before your own.

I am not surprised that you felt sad when writing the words "I won't actually ever be better" as that is very absolute kind of language - not allowing much to seep through to be of benefit.  If I had written something like that, I'd be wondering which part of me had written it - as it doesn't allow for help and support - almost as if closing the door, but I know you're keen to tackle it again tomorrow - and I hope that you'll feel able to write the E-mail to the person you mentioned.

I am happy for you that someone has offered you help - and I hope very much that she will still offer it - and that you'll be able to write to her tomorrow - if you want to.

I think it's good that you're considering your needs - because you are worth all the care and attention that Furries get, and that we get here, because you are worth it, Blueberry.

:hug: to you.
Hope  :)
I feel apologetic for writing this, as I feel as if I'm crossing a line somehow in saying these things, but I really felt I wanted to communicate that to you - and hope that's ok.

Hope, what you write makes perfect sense.

The person was actually referring to the Little Furries I gave into better care last year and that maybe she could help me (instead of helping me with them). I hadn't really thought of that parallel though. I really do tend to put others' needs ahead of my own. I am going through a phase where I'm beginning to notice it (but not always) and beginning to speak up about it, set limits, push back, refuse etc.

I hadn't realised the effect the words "I won't actually ever be better" might have on me. Strange as that may seem. My doc (gp) does point out the effect of language I use on myself. So you're doing it today instead of him. Thank you! I think I was reading into the other person's offer of help that she might understand that I really should be 100% healed before I have Furries again and I was wanting to negate that possibility. But really I don't have to. That's judgemental of self and justifying myself in some way whereas I could just say: "Thank you for the offer, I'd like to take you up on it if still possible. Need some help with x and y."

btw, you're not crossing any lines in saying that, Hope. I hope you're better at believing that than I am (deep down) at believing I'm worth care and attention. If not, we can both work on it  :)  :hug:

So, I'm now writing post number 4001 with no end in sight. No likelihood of me stopping writing on here any time soon. :Blush:

Today on the way back home from the farm I was thinking I should do a round of EFT "I accept and love myself just the way I am." I didn't do that in the end because I put my farm produce away and got ready to teach my evening client. After that I forgot about it and did this, that and the other. However, I don't have much sugar craving this evening whereas I often have it after farm work. So either just thinking the sentence helped or else my EFT work from yesterday is still having a positive effect. Or both.

When I made my evening meal, all ingredients except my homemade pesto were farm produce. I did buy the olive oil for my pesto, but the rest of it came out of my garden - weeds and herbs. I feel good about that. Cutting down on food expenditure would be a Good Thing. When my eating disorder gets shaky, it's difficult but atm I'm feeling more impulse to use trauma processing methods instead of eating.  :thumbup:

blueberry, personally, i'm glad there's no end in sight just yet.  i relate to a lot of what you share (like putting others' needs first), and it does me good to read about your perspective on it and how it applies to everyday life, including struggling to keep going.  we really are all in this together.

your meal sounds yummy!  i don't think anything tastes as good as food straight out of the garden. 

do your furries help you in any way?  are they a form of company for you, a distraction when you need it, or even a sense of doing something good for another living being?  i know pets can take work, time, and energy, and certainly we need that sense of balance between caring for others and caring for ourselves, but there can also be something comforting and soothing about having them around. 

at any rate, i'm glad your eft, in whatever form it took, helped you.  you've inspired me - i need a little self-acceptance right about now, too.  thanks for bringing it up.  i'm gonna do me some tapping as soon as i'm done writing.  and, i also wanted to give you an 'atta girl' for all the times i see you posting about '3 good things . . .'.  i think it's great that you do that so consistently.  another thing i may need to learn from you.  thank you very much.  love and hugs, sweetie.

Hi Blueberry,
I agree with SanMagic, and I am also glad that you're going to be writing more here, and I also relate to so much of what you share.  I am impressed that you've made produce in your garden to make your own pesto - that is amazing.  I also think your meal sounds yummy.

I have read many of your posts - and the fact you're on post 4001 - I just want to say that I think you've helped lots of us by writing, and I admire how you've continued to strive forward.   :hug:

Hope  :)

Thank you both so much for your comments, san and Hope  :)  :hug: :hug:

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A client who was going to come this morning cancelled yesterday evening. I did consider going back up to the farm today and continuing to remove those pesky caterpillars from the cabbage plants. It's an organic farm so no sprays. It's all done by hand.

But I decided to stay home and do things for myself, as Hope was suggesting a couple of posts further up  ;D

I did some garden work including digging up some of the easier plants (less deep roots, no prior pruning necessary)  that I'm going to have to move to another part of the garden. This was something I was dreading doing, thinking about trying to get help for and now at least this part of it is done  :cheer:

I cleared up all sorts of flotsam and jetsam from round my bed (including 32 books - yikes). There was even the odd thing under the mattress. Needless to say dust and general dirt, not to mention hair since I pull it out. I heaved my mattress out the window into the garden to air on a couple of drying frames and shook out bedding and hung it outside too. i've been intending to get on with cleaning at least part of my bedroom for a while so  :thumbup: to self.

Before all that, I took my meds and then washed dishes and did some food preparation of garden stuff that needed to be made into something before it dried out / went off. Commonly known as food conservation. And played some CDs to which I either moved to (while washing dishes etc.) or sang to.

Pretty constructive for one day, that's not even finished.  :)

 :thumbup:, indeed!  well done!

NTS: If the answer isn't definitely "yes", then it's "no".

I got an enquiry today about doing some contract work, not even from a previous client but a completely new agency, new to me. I note how hard it is to say "no". There are all these 'should' statements going on internally. But I also notice my desire to eat sweet stuff sky-rocketing. I also just read in one of my own posts how much this type of work takes out of me. It's just not worth the exhaustion it brings about.

I don't want to bite off more than I can chew as I did a few months ago. All these remarks in FOO voices in my head "oh but surely you can do this". No, I can't.

When I stepped away from the computer briefly, the answer was clear. "I don't want to do it." Just looking at it, I'm going to be having trouble with the first sentence. Since various aspects of emotional abuse come up almost every time I carry out this profession, it makes sense to take a break from it (possibly for ever) except in the instances where there's something I know I can do without fail. There are a couple of things in this profession I can do without going into EFs.

That's become clear to me just now. The feeling that I cannot continue or complete a contract job without eating half a bag of something sweet and the inability to do the work at all without my brand of SH means I'm in constant low-level EFs, probably with bursts of medium-level from time to time. Better to work on the underlying problems before accepting this type of contract work again.

It really is OK to turn it down! That voice saying if I don't take on this job, I'll never get any other ever again - it doesn't know what it's talking about.

Probably I need to do a round of EFT "I love and accept myself even though I'm turning this job down." Keep breathing Blueberry.

I did do that round of EFT yesterday but then on the way back home from somewhere, I went and bought some sweet stuff and ate most of it too. Not very beneficial or constructive. I know at least partially where I went wrong - I'd been getting way ahead of myself and planning not to need overeating as a crutch anymore. Boom. That lasted a day.  :doh:

It's possible I was tired as well because I did quite a lot yesterday. In the evening I was on a choir outing, just in my town. We visited a church of completely different denomination - Serbian Orthodox. The priest gave us a guided tour and answered questions on their belief system and ways of celebrating. He was very open and very pro-ecumenical services and finding the common denominator. That left a very positive impression on me and I felt happy and optimistic.

Today I still had impulses to do various things - and did so - like laundry and continuing digging up stones and roots in the garden so I can plant some of those plants I have to move. In the afternoon an outing with a different group to play mini golf. Late evening just before dark I did a bit more root and stone removal. I've also decided to extend the bit of garden that's mine, to make up for the bit I have to forego. Up until today I hadn't been daring to do that. Now I am.  :cheer:

It's progress - taking land that nobody else is using atm and if in the future a new tenant in one of the apartments not currently using the garden much wants some land they can take it off somewhere else, or dig up the middle of the lawn or something. I've had enough of moving my beds around! It actually involves a fair amount of work, due to stones and bricks stuck under massive roots and new trees sprouting all over the place. In order to dig a hole to re-plant something I end up moving a couple of bucket loads of stones/half-bricks/brick fragments/bits of broken glass and roots. In the future somebody else can do that instead of moving into my cleared space.

So proud of you Blueberry!  :hug:

It's wonderful to follow your progress, Blueberry. You seem so much stronger now than just a short while ago. It's amazing! Cheering for you

well done, sweetie.  working in the garden can be so soothing, too, so grounding.  i'm really glad for you that you have that outlet.

after i told you yesterday i was going to do some eft, i totally forgot.  will do it right now.  thanks for the reminder.   love and hugs.

Thank you Laura, san and Sceal. It's so helpful to hear you notice a new strength in me.

For the first time, the heat is getting to me today. I was outside on my bike part of the time between 11 AM and 2 PM which is part of the day they recommend you don't spend in the sun doing sports. I was actually just cycling from home to somewhere and then back again, so not doing sports. But now it's evening and cool again.

So I plan to get up early tomorrow, say 6 AM or at the latest 7 AM and cycle up to the farm where I can do some work in the veg patch before it gets too hot and then I can go into the lovely, cool, cheese cellar :) and do my work there over the hottest part of the day.

BeHea1thy, I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who makes plans that might not in the end happen ;) I don't just do it around food either. So we'll see whether I actually get off up the road before 10 AM after all. Tho now I'm imagining the feel of the cool, early morning air on my skin as I cycle up the valley and the joy of cycling up this valley - the flowers, the trees, blue sky, the streams I pass. Thinking I should try and remember to do that tomorrow morning rather than thinking that I don't want to get out of bed.

Yesterday I was so exhausted when I came on here I couldn't even begin to write anything. I didn't wear my sunglasses yesterday so my eyes are very tired. Why didn't I wear my sunglasses? I thought they might interfere with spying the caterpillars I was picking off cabbage plants and then by the time I was due to ride home, I was feeling pretty listless and useless. Somebody else wanted to do my Friday late morning / afternoon job on the farm so he and a friend who'd dropped by did. It "should" have been OK for me, but it wasn't. I noticed how hard it was for me to find something else to do on that particular day. Too hot to continue with the caterpillars, I avoid cooking like the plague (tends to send me into EFs)... So all in all I felt as if yesterday had been useless. Or as if I had been, more to the point.

I didn't even think of writing on Three Good Things Today thread. That might have helped a bit.

blueberry, i know that there are a lot of you in the u.k. suffering from the heat.  from my experience in the desert, along with hydration we were encouraged to drink electrolytes, to replenish those that we were sweating out.  lack of them can also cause exhaustion, listlessness, dizzyness, nausea, even affect our minds and thinking.  during the summer, i'd drink between a pint and liter of electrolytes daily.

i've mentioned this to a few on the forum already, but i don't know how many people are aware of the importance of these when our bodies become heat-stressed.  i learned the hard way, mainly cuz it took me awhile to understand the effects of prolonged heat, especially when moving in it - even walking, let alone biking.

please be careful.  such heat as you're experiencing can be disorienting at best, deadly at worst.  love and hugs.

Hi Blueberry,
I would also recommend getting some Electrolytes - and I was so grateful to SanMagic for pointing me in their direction - I've taken some this past couple of days, and it's made such a difference to how I'm feeling - I will be having some more today.
:hug: to you Blueberry, and hope you feel better and more hydrated soon.
Hope  :)

OK, thank you both. Not that I'm in the UK, but in a country where possibly even hotter. No cooling maritime breezes anyway. I will look into those electrolytes. It's weird, on some of the hottest days I had an aversion to drinking water even though I generally like drinking it.

I heard today at the farm that there's not likely to be any rain for 2 weeks. Fortunately I'm in a town at a higher elevation (therefore cooler) than most towns and cities in my country.

________________________

I'm hopping mad. My landlord still hasn't got back to me on lowered rent although he is here. His van is outside the building. As a tradesman with school age children, he might have left on holiday without telling me the new rent. Instead he's here and just hasn't told me.

On Saturday while out cycling (to the farm), I decided if he didn't get back to me by today, I'm going to have to do what I originally intended: a clear-out in my apartment and in my office space and move all my office and teaching paraphernalia up into my apartment. This is more work than it might sound. But once done, it will be done. To take the pressure off, I'll probably hand in my notice for the end of the year, or maybe end November since hard to get moving and/or rearranging and/or setting up help from friends or companies at Xmas/New Year.

It makes more sense financially anyway because my parents haven't got back to me on money yet either. They made grandiose claims a number of years ago that "of course" there were no strings attached to any money they passed on to me (or my sibs). But actually there are strings. Even just a few months ago after I'd had a bout of on and off exhaustion (and not capable of dealing with things on my end) enF said that "anytime" I was ready to discuss again, they would get back on the discussion too. HaHaHa. Now that I'm actually discussing and not just accepting my fate, all of a sudden they "don't get round to it". When people show you who they are, believe them.

I was going to write this on the Emotional Flashback board because I couldn't see what was beneficial or constructive about it. But then I saw at the end and the post is so long, it can only go in my Journal. Here goes:
I know there's a slight difference between amygdala hijacks and EFs except my brain goes on strike - an EF - when I try to read too closely about it. lol. Slight irony.

Anyway I was involved in a situation on Saturday and as I was thinking it through again today, suddenly the word "amygdala hijack" burst into my mind. There was this situation where I felt responsible and acted on it (with words) but I wasn't actually responsible and one of the people who was responsible was pretty annoyed with me.

I tend to put myself in these kinds of situations so that's why I've been thinking about it. The person's dog (I know the person and the dog) nipped a child at the beginning of a walk we were all going on although the child was told she could stroke it. The child ran off screaming for her dad and when she finally found him, he picked her up and came near to where the rest of us were standing, the dog headed towards them again with a stance which I interpreted as being certainly 'on the lookout'. I spoke to the dog by name and said quite gently "stay here". The dog owner said "It's our dog" in a voice that meant "butt out!". I apologised immediately but she went on to explain how confused the dog gets when "everybody" thinks they can order the dog around.

I felt pretty abashed and sad (although by no means as badly as in former times).

Quoted here on  the forum elsewhere e.g. by Three Roses (from Pete Walker??): "I have come to call these reactions, typical of ... many other clients over the years, emotional flashbacks—sudden and often prolonged regressions ("amygdala hijackings") to the frightening and abandoned feeling-states of childhood. They are accompanied by inappropriate and intense arousal of the fight/flight instinct and the sympathetic nervous system. Typically, they manifest as intense and confusing episodes of fear, toxic shame, and/or despair, which often beget angry reactions against the self or others. When fear is the dominant emotion in an emotional flashback, the individual feels overwhelmed, panicky or even suicidal. When despair predominates, it creates a sense of profound numbness, paralysis, and an urgent need to hide. Feeling small, young, fragile, powerless and helpless is also common in emotional flashbacks. Such experiences are typically overlaid with toxic shame, which, as described in John Bradshaw's Healing The Shame That Binds, obliterates an individual's self-esteem with an overpowering sense that she is as worthless, stupid, contemptible or fatally flawed, as she was viewed by her original caregivers. Toxic shame inhibits the individual from seeking comfort...."

I didn't think I was fighting or fleeing. More like trying to save everybody. Not that I needed to objectively-speaking but looking back to childhood, I had phases where I was desperately trying to save FOO from themselves and then there was the overwhelming theme that I was meant to be able to predict how my behaviour would affect other people and 'force' them to react for which I would then be blamed so emotional survival depended on trying to prevent everybody else and everything else from doing anything inappropriate/dangerous/rude.... At the moment when I spoke to the dog, I wasn't feeling too much. Certainly not blind panic or anger. I had been feeling tension in the air since the dog nipped the child and the tension seemed to be increasing. I also felt worried because bad start to the nice walk I'd been looking forward to for what I was seeing as a short holiday.

I did 3 rounds of EFT in the evening before I went to bed, which helped a lot. I can understand the pov of the dog owner, I can also now understand my own reaction. My own is the only one I can try and change though. In baby steps. Which means trying to 'remember' to give myself a moment to consider whether I'm really the responsible one in a situation or can I take a step backwards and leave other people to sort it out while I sort myself out by protecting myself and my Inner Children emotionally and/or explaining "see that little girl? She's safe in her dad's arms. He can protect her from the dog and he will if he has to. If he's annoyed at the dog owner and her husband, he'll deal with that too. It's his job." Ah, that's the crux of the matter.

Two memories: 1) F not picking me up when I was 3 or 4 and it was the first time I'd experienced fireworks of the type that zoom around the lawn unpredictably. I was in such a panic and he was standing there in the friend's garden chatting and there's me running up to him, trying to show how him frightened I was. I can't remember if I was crying or not but I do remember trying to get his attention by touching him and pointing at the fireworks and moving about agitatedly until he finally 'got it' and picked me up out of harm's way. He continued chatting, I don't remember being consoled or having fireworks explained.  I used to think to myself - could happen to any parent, they aren't 'perfect', can't guess what's up with their children. Even if that were the case - which I'm not sure about for a 3-4 year old coming from a culture that doesn't have on the ground fireworks and moving to one that does - it doesn't mean that the experience didn't affect me deeply, as it seems to have.

2) The one instance of medical trauma I have - something fairly minor actually but how the medical assistant dealt with it and the fact that my M who was in the room didn't protect me from verbal abuse from the med. assistant although I was very young and very ill. We've actually been through this one in therapy. The memory hasn't gone completely but I have no 'need' to write it out in detail. That's interesting, the situation can obviously still be triggered a bit, the memory return, but not so vividly or with so many emotions or numbing etc. And I don't 'need' to be heard and validated any more.

hey, blueberry, i understand that feeling of tension in the air and the urgent need to do something about it, calm the situation/people down, etc.  i've done that so many times in my life.  it's a dreadful feeling.  when i was living in that house last month, the situation came up several times.  a few times i stepped in, just to get those tense vibes out of the air.

but a few times i let it be, and i was so very uncomfortable, my stress levels skyrocketed, and a couple times i needed xanax to get me clear.   i never thought it was my role in foo to do that especially, but i sure picked it up for some reason.  possibly my sensitivity to such vibes was overpowering to me and it was a self-serving kind of thing.

i like your idea of a bit of eft before bed.  think i'll try that tonite.  i sure would like to sleep longer than 4 or 5 hrs. at a time.   maybe it'll help.  i've just slept in chunks for so long, i think my body has become used to it.  possibly some eft can help it break that habit.  we'll see, but thanks for the idea.

love and hugs to you, dearie.  i hope the electrolytes are helpful.  i didn't realize this heat wave is all over europe.  (have been staying away from the news).   keep taking care of you.

Hi Blueberry,
I read your longer post here in your Journal, and it was incredibly insightful and also - I related to so much of what you said.  Both in terms of sharing memories where a F doesn't provide the care and feedback that a little person needs, and also in terms of your experience of trying to put things right in situations - anticipate people's needs - handle tensions - anticipate the egg-shells and act accordingly. 
I hope that the dog owner's appreciated your attempts to help that day - because your intentions were good - and I'm glad that at least they explained why they were keen to direct their dog themselves - and that they explained to you about the potential confusion to the dog of other people giving direction - but I completely understand your thought that the dog would listen and understand what you had said, I have felt that myself - in terms of feeling that I can 'sort things out' and 'put things right'.
Blueberry - it made me feel quite emotional to read what you wrote, but in a good way - if that makes sense - because I really relate to things you said. 
:hug: to you, Blueberry.
Hope  :)

Hi Hope,

Wow, fancy reading through that long post of mine. I'm sorry you relate to so much of it too, but that has been the case before I know.

I don't think the dog's owner appreciated my efforts at all. She's one of the people at the farm and the only one I have to be really careful about. Bit of an eggshell dance. Though to give her her due, I'm pretty sure she feels the same about me and has a lot of trouble imagining how my situation plays out. I think she finds my problems annoying or else she takes out some of her annoyances in daily life whether farm or otherwise on me. If the latter, it's not OK! But so far I've not been able to protect myself. I just stay away from the farm for a week or so, or get sick so I have to.

There have been changes at the farm within the past couple of years resulting in her and her husband no longer being the only ones with a say. Two other (younger) couples do too and they're possibly healthier emotionally, don't feel the need to dump things on me (or on others). They'll say "Thanks Blueberry! You're washing the dishes, that's so great, we're so happy!" But the dog-owner will say "Are you still washing dishes?? Or are you at it again?" meaning "My God, you're slow." I am slow, it's true, but that's one of the reasons I'm not working on the normal job market. If I didn't have the problems I do, I wouldn't be at the farm at all. I think everybody except the female dog-owner appreciates this, I mean her husband does too.

She's always been a bit weird towards me. When I first worked for them on this kind of basis about 15 years ago, anybody who was around was meant to answer the phone. If I was the only person near the phone, everybody else milking cows, driving tractors etc. I'd answer the phone and take a message since they didn't have an answering machine. She told me to stop because I "misunderstood messages", after I reported a potential customer who'd phoned for the 2nd or 3rd time to arrange something and they didn't have any recollection of who that could be and didn't bother to recontact the person. Large scale depression and anxiety = mental defectiveness in some people's minds unfortunately. Or it's just a power thing, Idk. Their 7 year old child still answered the phone though  :stars: taking business calls (customers, potential customers, other farmers...) and that was fine by them.

I'm realising now bit by bit how she reminds me of uBPDM and SIL2 but not so strongly. She's a bit unpredictable and tends to order me around like a sergeant major, something she doesn't do to most others who work on the farm, e.g. the two younger couples who've joined it. I will maybe manage to just ignore one of her orders some time or say "I'm doing something else" or even "I'm taking a break, ask somebody else". None of that's easy. I still have visions in my head of FOO reactions - making fun of me, telling me how "childish" my reactions are. But since I managed to set that other person who does painful handshakes a limit despite all those FOO voices / ICr, this is probably just on the cusp too  :)

When I'm not really thinking straight with the new thoughts and realisations of my healthier Adult, I think I can sort things out especially because I think I 'have to'. That was one of my roles in FOO: the scapegoat family 'saviour', responsible for everybody's happiness or relaxation and responsible if they weren't happy / relaxed. I don't know if that makes sense when somebody else reads it.

I had a pretty strenuous session in T today. It was on something unrelated. I need to let it sit for a day or two before I can write anything about it.

Quote from: Blueberry on July 31, 2018, 08:37:04 PM

When I'm not really thinking straight with the new thoughts and realisations of my healthier Adult, I think I can sort things out especially because I think I 'have to'. That was one of my roles in FOO: the scapegoat family 'saviour', responsible for everybody's happiness or relaxation and responsible if they weren't happy / relaxed. I don't know if that makes sense when somebody else reads it.

All of what you wrote makes sense to me, Blueberry - I can definitely relate to what you write in most instances. 

That owner of the dog does sound like she's challenging to interact with.  I always think it's helpful to listen to a 'gut-instinct' about things, and that is often based on pieces of information that stack up to create that gut-instinct, and you've given quite a few examples of the ways she's been when interacting with you.  Seems like there are double standards - she treats people differently depending on their relationship to herself, even to the point of allowing her 7 year old to answer the phone to business people etc.  Not appropriate really - no matter how 'mature' the 7 year old might appear.


:hug: to you, Blueberry.
Hope  :)

Thanks for your response Hope  :) :hug:

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I'm feeling all burned out this morning. One good thing however: when I got up and couldn't be bothered to do anything, I realised and told myself that that is typical after a really heavy-duty therapy session. It usually takes a day or two to start to sink in and then I get these mild to heavy-duty EFs. So still get up and start slowly doing things.  :yes:

I've caught the exhaustion a bit earlier this time around, so I don't feel the need to write on Difficult Day board. I'm staving off some of those difficulties e.g. by not responding to new mbrs or Difficult Day posts. I know other members on the forum will do so in time.

I'm continuing to clear things out - paper and books so far. It feels quite good to do so. There's still a lot to do, but step by step I'll get there.

good for you, sweetie.  you've come so far, doing so well.  it's so great to see this.  keep up the good work, and well done.  love and hugs.

Just wanted to drop by and tell you I'm over here cheering for you.
It's normal to be exhausted after therapy, it's unpleasant and gets in the way for sure. But it's okay. I hope you'll treat yourself kindly and do the things you feel like doing.

I've been doing some herb and weed preservation, now that it's cooled down a bit. Earlier in the day I sat in the shade and read a couple of small books which are now on my discard pile. Discard pile is actually on my outside window ledge so people can take books in passing, which they do.  :)

I'm going to a wedding tomorrow for which I don't have to get particularly dressed up for, and won't. One of the young couples at the farm is getting married. In fact I'm transporting a necessary piece of equipment up from town to them :) I think there will be alot of people, though even more on Saturday when I won't be there. Huge numbers of people can be a bit difficult for me, but I'll play it by ear. If Sergeant Major bellows out instructions to me about setting the table or doing some such job, I'm getting ready in my head to say I don't like being spoken to like that and/or that there are plenty of other people around to do the job, which there will be tomorrow. Even though they will be visitors, most visitors to the farm realise that within a couple of hours they're expected to help in some way, unless they're really, really old. Before the wedding, I'll be doing a few hours worth of a job I regularly do. (Sergeant Major is not getting married, the young couple who is never speak to me the way Sergeant Major does.)

I can feel in my gut that I'm a bit nervous. Maybe I should do a round of EFT this evening before bed.

hope it all goes smoothly for you at the wedding, and you get no grief from the sgt. major.  i hope you can enjoy yourself and have it be a good time.  i'm glad you've got a response prepared for yourself in case. s.m. starts bellowing.  that's great prep work, to my mind.  have a lovely time.   love and hugs.

Thanks san  :)  :hug:

I got some grief from serg. major when I wasn't prepared for it at all. She told me basically that I was in the way. Not in those words of course. I apologised immediately without even thinking but since I'd already stepped backward of my own accord there was nothing left to do or change. And actually I'd just been helping the bridal pair with the equipment I'd taken up for them - a cargo bike. So I'm not sure what serg. major's problem is.

It's a hard topic for me because M spent a fair bit of time telling me I was in the way or just shoving me over without even telling me. I know by my late teens I automatically assumed I was in the way more or less whereever I stood. It's no longer that bad.

Hi Blueberry - that Serg.Major sounds quite unpleasant - and I can imagine how triggering she is, when she reminds you so much of behaviour from your M.  I really feel like I want to say more, but I can't - as my partner has just come in to talk to me, so I'm going to stop - just wanted to pop by to your Journal - and wish you a good weekend.   :hug: to you, Blueberry.
Hope  :)

Today and yesterday I felt as if I was acting like a sgt major myself and I was reminding myself of my mother too. I don't actually want to treat children the way she treated me - being snappy and impatient and correcting but I don't seem to be able to stop. OK, to be fair to myself, I didn't do it non-stop but I don't think M did either. It's just that that part of her has stayed with me.

The heat may be playing a role, but i don't think all of it at all. Part of it is my usual: feeling responsible for other people's actions because my M tended to blame me even if it wasn't my fault at all. So I still feel automatically as if I'll be blamed for not stopping one of the children from doing this or that or for not knowing in advance that their actions were going to lead to this or that. It's not even as if I could even say at the time who would blame me. The children's mother wouldn't. I just have this sense that something is being done wrong and I'm to blame or I will be to blame. Might be good to do a couple of rounds of EFT before I go to bed. One on being bad-tempered with the children and one on feeling 'blamed'. Or maybe 'blamed' should be Screen Processing.

And then I also feel hyper-sensitive to noise, even totally normal and harmless children noise like splashing around and shouting out in fun and games at a lake. Here too, it's partly my fear of being blamed for disturbing others, allowing children to disturb others, though they weren't ... and partly it's triggering. I get a bit jumpy.

It could be a particular phase in healing and it will get better with time and a little work eg EFT or it could be how I am, yikes. Once again I'm really glad I don't have children of my own because I would pass so much trauma on. Kudos to all on the forum who don't. But I would.

Yesterday I fell for something on the Internet and now need to do a bunch of clean-up fast and can already feel my brain clouding over and confusing me. But I have started and just need to keep going step by step. And also remind myself there's no reason to be afraid now, there's nothing to flee from, no reason for brain to fog over.

The fact that I fell for this scam is I think cptsd related - connected to fear and anxiety and generally the way my brain clouds over when I have to deal with computers in general and more specifically Internet. Anyway, back to the job at hand.

Hi Blueberry,
I hope you're able to get that internet scam thing sorted out - good luck with it.
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope, I did  :cheer:

Today I also finally got my landlord to give me the exact amount by which he is reducing my rent  :cheer: I managed to haggle a slighter better amount too :thumbup:  :applause: Haggling is not something I can normally do at all.

The reduction isn't enough to keep me in this office space for another decade or anything but just maybe a year or two to give me more time to figure out where I'm going exactly with my freelance work, and also give me more time to shed possessions (in order to have room for office space in my apartment). It's usually a process for me and not particularly helpful to use any methods like throw away boxes I haven't opened for a year. Especially since my boxes are often full of papers and I live in a country where you really have to keep your documents.

I've just been reading the earlier part of this whole journal of mine and I really found that beneficial because I notice how much progress I've made in the past couple of months :)

Another beneficial thing: I'm beginning to realise why I was being snappy and bad-tempered and controlling with the children on the weekend. Everything was too much. Too many children. Too much 'going on', sensory overload or possibly even an EF overload. I'm not sure but I was possibly being constantly triggered in small ways and that could lead to EF overload I suppose.

In addition we were away somewhere together where they haven't been before and while I have, I haven't been often. I don't know the ropes exactly.

I've heard of people with mental illness who eventually get pretty stuck in their ways and eventually can't even leave the house. The older they get, the worse their whole situation looks from the outside. I know cptsd is an injury not an illness but that still doesn't mean I couldn't end up in a similar situation. That's what it seems like atm. The more I accept my limitations, the more limitations I seem to notice. I don't think that more limitations are arriving, I think that I'm noticing them more instead of covering them up.

Anyway not knowing the ropes exactly makes controlling to make sure nothing goes wrong so that I can't be accused pretty difficult. I would say I was probably in a constant state of low-level anxiety pretty much the whole time.

I know I'm going to have to tell my friend that this is the case. I had been thinking that when I visit her and her family in the foreseeable future I need to go for less time. Because it takes about 3 hours to travel each way, I tend to do an overnight or possibly even 2 overnights. I think I need to reduce. Also their family life is just too busy for me, too fast-paced. I think it was less that way or maybe less noticeable when the children were smaller. Despite liking my friend and her children and despite one being my godson, I need to accept myself and my needs and pay more attention to these. It feels egoistic and 'not right', as if I 'must' have the time and emotional space and energy for this child in my life. But instead I need to accept what is and that is: three children at once for a weekend is just too many, and too much energy and noise. cptsd is a beast and affects so much. I have this beast in my life and need to remember the oxygen mask analogy and know that that applies not just to parents and their own children but to people like me and anybody in my life: godchildren, pets, friends.

Just want to pop by to say I've missed you, Blueberry, and that I hope you have had a good holiday.  Not sure when you are back, but 'welcome back' for when you do get back.
Hope  :)

That's a lovely message to see at the bottom of my Journal! Thank you so much Hope! I got back a few hours ago.

I was on a retreat, not therapy, but something that does me a lot of good in another way. Yoga, singing, healthy food, meditation, free time outside in nature going for slow ambles. On my own but obviously with other people around to converse with a bit. I managed to write a lot in my paper journal, in fact every day I think.

Quite a lot of realisations including that I'm on the correct path so to speak (correct for me) and I'm progressing. 

I came home to discover that my landlord acted totally contrary to what he told me on Wednesday. He said that he and his workers wouldn't be continuing the work next to my berry bed till September and anyway none of the work they were going to do would impinge upon my berries. I really pointed to my redcurrant bush that I was in the middle of digging out - "you mean this really is OK where it is till September because I'm going away for a week?" He replied that it was OK. So I came home to discover a construction site and my redcurrant bush lying on its side half under a tarpaulin and partly under an old stone drainage pipe.  ???

I'm certainly annoyed. I would've continued digging my redcurrant bush out and moved it away to another part of the garden if my landlord hadn't said I didn't need to till later. But I don't feel bowled over or triggered so that's definitely progress :cheer: A friend suggested I speak to my ll (or his workers) if he/they come tomorrow and kindly ask them to move their tarpaulin and the drainage pipe briefly so that I can retrieve my redcurrant bush and see if it's salvageable. This is where it gets tricky. I feel like a pain in the neck, as if I keep disturbing my landlord. I know that's an EF, going right back to M telling me I was a pain in the neck and downplaying problems I had or requests of mine. I don't want to feel any further into what M did so I'm possibly not describing it well. It's obvious to me though how connected these 2 things are.

glad your time away was beneficial to you, sweetie.  it sounds amazing.

and . . . back to reality, right?  landlords and redcurrant bushes and miscommunication and not following thru.  grrrr. 

i think such a request is normal, not at all a pain in the neck kind of thing.  it seems perfectly within your rights after what you were told.  i do hope you can salvage it (i love currants).  best to you with this.  and congrats on so much progress in being able to manage your emotions around this.  that's great.  love and hugs to you, blueberry.  well done.

Thanks san on seeing my progress and commenting. :)

When I saw my ll on the construction site this morning, I merely asked for help getting my redcurrant bush out from under the debris and he did help. Between yesterday and this morning I realised that they put the tarpaulin over everything in case of rain (it did rain yesterday) and maybe they hadn't thought of that last week. Maybe they should've, but I've decided to let the issue go. That old thing about choosing your battles. I'm not letting this go with gritted teeth because ICr is telling me I should or something, I'm really letting it go. This is tons of progress for me! :cheer:

I see it can be good to step outside a situation and allow it to settle overnight. New ideas or realisations come. Then I can act differently from how I used to act. Friends' suggestions can be useful catalysts in helping me realise something but their ideas on how to act are not necessarily totally healthy. With this, I'm beginning to trust my own judgement more and I'm getting less prone to seeing myself and my actions/thoughts/judgements as bad/unhealthy/dysfunctional/less good than other people's. Another load of progress.  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

(Before I can step outside a situation, I need to be no longer triggered. I did have that step with the garden a couple of months ago. So it might well happen in other situations going into the future too.)

Wow, that sounds great, Blueberry, tons of progress, as you said.  I want to join in with another  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :)

Today I feel very listless and I slept most of the day. I did take my most important medication but can't remember if I took the anti-dep. If I did it was way late. I fed my friend's pets, so that's something.  A little while ago I wondered into the garden and clipped a few plants back - blooms that were totally over etc. That's definitely beneficial.

The farm people at the market this morning said I don't absolutely have to come on Monday since they have a few extra people atm but I can if I like. Just make sure they know either way by Sunday. Undoubtedly it would be beneficial for me to go as a 'keep going' measure. I can feel myself slumping today, instead of celebrating in my head about saving my plants from the construction site and getting the most important of those set into the ground in another part of the garden.
But if I say I'll go, I have to be certain I'll get up at 4 AM and cycle up the valley. I'm not sure I will.

yeah, those up and down days.  they can be wearing all by themselves.  hang tough, sweetie.

i'm glad for both you and your plants that you got them to where they needed to be.  i'd say that's quite an accomplishment seeing what all happened beforehand.  i'll add a  :cheer: for all of you, too.   love and hugs.

I did a little more garden work today, planted a few odds and ends that needed re-planting and a little plant I'd been growing in the kitchen. Also fed friend's pets, got rid of a few more books, did a load of laundry and hung it out.

I was going to go the choir summer barbecue but I realised I wasn't feeling well at all so slept the afternoon instead.  :cheer: for me for noticing the physical unwell feeling. I tend to override that kind of thing "you'll feel better if you go anyway" (is an old FOO thing) Um, no, not always. I'm better at 'giving myself a break' when I'm unwell emotionally.

In the evening I sat in the garden in the nice warm weather and went through some papers, throwing a fair bit out. The content of 2 business binders is halved. Certainly constructive  :) Would actually be more constructive if I were doing the same in my apartment. otoh I had an urge to do these binders and often I get further where I have an urge than where I think 'I should' / 'it would be logical'. There's that "should" again which is never good for me. (or maybe 'hardly ever').

Thanks BeHea1thy  :)

______________________________

Somebody's coming this morning to give me one-on-one lessons in software, Word to be precise. I've been thinking this would be beneficial for a long, long time. So why do I want to go back to bed now and avoid it all?? Whatever the answer is to that, I got up and went through my paces. Cleaned my teeth, took my meds etc.

Lesson's over. It was just an hour which is more than enough for me. My brain got pretty foggy so I presume I was in avoidance mode beforehand partially because I feared my brain getting foggy. But it was one-on-one! I didn't have to keep up with a class or anything.

I did learn a number of new things, and refreshed old ones like a shortcut or two.  I also got introduced to a graphic program. My homework is now to go and play with these so as to learn. I remember now in elementary school a good few decades ago it was supposedly a treat to be able to do a math exercise on one of the computers. The others were enjoying themselves immensely, it seemed but I felt lost and as if in a dark hole :fallingbricks:.

The math teacher did notice after a while, kudos to him, and rescued me, allowing me to work on paper again. Math was terribly difficult for me that year and working on the computer just made it all worse. Hm. Maybe that's a memory I need to do some work with to help with problems with technology? Wouldn't hurt to try anyway.

The math and computer memory I'll just add to the list of 'topics to work on sometime' :whistling:

I was just about to write on here for myself an hour or so ago but a terrific thunder storm came up and I doN't like being on the computer during them so I had a look at what I could do in the meantime: some more clear-out. Going through stuff in my office, stuff as opposed to just papers. It's a bit difficult because as I'm doing it, I'm saying goodbye to ideas I had, hopes I had about what I might bring to fruition professionally. I think while I'm doing it that this is just a first phase too. Really there's more I need to get rid of as in either I need to make more space in my apartment to accommodate business paraphernalia or I need to get rid of more business stuff. However, I am making a start with the whole process  :applause: There are times when I can hardly throw out half a page so the amount I'm accomplishing atm is good  :) .

Earlier today I was playing Patience again and things were slotting into place a bit, the way they seem to. The long-drawn out discussion via email with a friend is taking up space in my emotions. This realisation is at least beneficial. I'll see if I can give voice on the Friends board to any of the thoughts that were drifting through while I was playing Patience.

BeHea1thy,

You have great insight into what is going on with me atm! Like "the new things to come which are still a mystery".

"Patience" is another word for "solitaire". I play it with cards rather than on the computer.

________________________________

NTS: I do know this but need reminding obviously - when I sort of want to start cleaning but can't somehow then it is good to wash the dishes! It can act as a momentum-giver to help me move onto other housework, as it did tonight. If I end up totally exhausted after the dishes and can't move onto anything else because of that, then I wouldn't have done the 'something else' instead of the dishes anyway.

I've finally been cleaning my bedframe and round about my bed e.g. on the shelf beside it where all sorts of stuff accumulates  :whistling: so that I can finally put my mattress back on. I've been sleeping in various other spots with flimsy camping mats etc for about 6 weeks. So it's good I finally started dealing with that  :thumbup: because those options aren't the most comfortable.

Among the stuff I accumulate on the shelf beside my bed are books. I was sorting through a bit and dusting them as well as the shelf and picked up one of my childhood books to read and I started crying. I'm not quite sure what triggered the tears except it was some emotions in the story itself rather than my childhood memories of reading being triggered. Also NTS: when there are unshed tears in me (there have been for a while now) reading stories from my childhood may bring out the tears, in a good healing kind of way.

Being awake half the night is not beneficial but it is what it is. There don't seem to be so many non- :zzz: -ers on here as a while ago. Well, I'm happy for you others that you're either sleeping better or doing healthier things than sitting on here half the night.

Between writing a Recovery Letter a few hours ago and finally going to bed, I was doing something even less constructive than OOTS half the night. I was reading news websites. Before that, I went through a pile of business emails and deleted 90 of them. Not a very good time of night to be doing that, but it seemed that after the Recovery Letter, I needed to do a bit of a purge. The problem is then that I can't seem to get off the computer. I know, sometimes we 'should' replace "can't" with "don't want to" to see what's behind it. Put that on my ever burgeoning list of therapy/healing To Do's as well. Because rn I don't want to feel into what's behind staying on computer half the night either.

What also is not constructive or beneficial: having a caffeine drink before I go to bed. Yeah, yeah, I see it myself: self-care severely lacking in some areas atm. While tossing and turning in bed I came up with the focus for my new Journal. This one really is overly long. The focus seems to me to follow directly on from this final paragraph.

Quote from: BeHea1thy on August 25, 2018, 10:16:58 PM

QuoteWhat also is not constructive or beneficial: having a caffeine drink before I go to bed.

:doh: Sometimes we forget.

You are too kind, BeHea1thy! Unfortunately, it wasn't a case of forgetting, it was a case of being knowingly self-sabotaging. On the plus side, self-sabotage used to be modus operandi for me and it no longer is quite that bad.

Quote from: BeHea1thy on August 25, 2018, 10:16:58 PM

QuoteI went through a pile of business emails and deleted 90 of them.

:applause: Far out!!!!! Now go into your trash then choose Delete Forever.  :thumbup:

I did Delete Forever at the time  :yes: Otherwise imo they don't really count as being deleted.

Quote from: BeHea1thy on August 25, 2018, 10:16:58 PM
Excellent and inspiring Blueberry.  :waveline:

Thank you  :)

Quote from: Blueberry on July 31, 2018, 08:37:04 PM
Two other (younger) couples 'll say "Thanks Blueberry! You're washing the dishes, that's so great, we're so happy!" But the dog-owner will say "Are you still washing dishes?? Or are you at it again?" meaning "My God, you're slow." I am slow, it's true, but that's one of the reasons I'm not working on the normal job market. If I didn't have the problems I do, I wouldn't be at the farm at all. I think everybody except the female dog-owner appreciates this, I mean her husband does too.

Actually Sgt. Major (the dog-owner) thanked me for washing dishes today instead of making underhand comments about my slow speed. So that happens too! And I also remember that last December she was really grateful for my help and even said so semi in public. But she is unpredictable about it. It was nice today though. Maybe noting that she doesn't always bellow orders and put me down is being mindful?

 :) ;D :sunny: