Out of the Storm

I found this test today on the web:

http://www.narcissisticmother.com/piper-score

It's only about narc mothers but I think you can replace the word 'mother' with any toxic person that has hurt you to find out how you're doing and which areas you still need to work on.

I got 3 red areas and 4 yellow ones (53 out of 105 points), which apparently means that my recovery is already going well ( :cheer:) but some areas still need extra attention (self-care especially - very true in my case!).

Thanks for the link, keepfighting. A good questionnaire. Filling it out felt unexpectedly validating - 'wait, if that's an official question in an official questionnaire, does that mean that other people beside myself feel that way?' 

Igot 79 and only red areas. :blink:  I might just possibly have to work on a few issues.

102 over here. Yikes. Although I answered based on more recent past than present. I haven't spoken with my mom in over 2 months and it feels incredibly good...despite that nagging "you're a bad daughter" voice.

SC - I had the same reaction you did to some of those questions and kept thinking, "get out of my head". ;)

93 over here, which is still red zone on all spheres but I can tell you this is a decrease from what I was before thanks to therapy!  Sad but true.  :applause:

Thanks for the link, keepfighting!  :yes:

I got an 82 - all red. And I know it used to be worse. This test is validating.

I took it twice.
Once answering as I would have 10 years ago- 95 (all red).
Once answering for how I feel now- 60 (3 red / 4 yellow).
It's nice to see that I've made progress.
It's hard to imagine me in an emotional place that would show an equal amount of green and yellow. But if I've come this far, who knows what's possible.

Quote from: bee on April 05, 2015, 05:16:31 AM
I took it twice.
Once answering as I would have 10 years ago- 95 (all red).
Once answering for how I feel now- 60 (3 red / 4 yellow).
It's nice to see that I've made progress.
It's hard to imagine me in an emotional place that would show an equal amount of green and yellow. But if I've come this far, who knows what's possible.

This is incredible! It gives me so much hope. I'm wading through a lot of my past, with all its messy details, and other people's journey of recovery is sooo comforting and encouraging.

Thank you so so much for sharing!!!!

I got a 51 which is great considering that I would have been in the red zone completely 1-2 years ago.  Out of the Fog really got me on the road to recovery! 

Quote from: Kizzie on April 06, 2015, 03:59:17 AM
I got a 51 which is great considering that I would have been in the red zone completely 1-2 years ago.  Out of the Fog really got me on the road to recovery!

Amazing!

88, so while I have many, many, many issues, I guess it's fading a little. I don't feel like absolute * all the time, now. Lookong back, I can't believe I didn't end up completely insane. I never expected to begin this journey, but I'm glad I did, even if it's hard sometimes. This place makes the journey a whole lot easier.

 :sadno: 61

Abuse Awareness: Deep Red (13/15). Damn. I thought I had made progress...
Self-care, Detachment, Realistic View of Family: Red (11/15) Yeah. Fits.
Blame vs. Accountability, Anger Awareness: Yellow 7-5/15 Happy about the Anger Awareness  ;D
Support Network: Green! Yay! (3/15)

Took the test, got an 81/105; red across all spheres here as well.  Guess I still have a lot of work to do. 

My father is an aggressive / spiritual narcissist (really sociopathic) and my husband is a covert (but at times aggressive) narcissist.  My mother was a narcissist but became more of a codependent or maybe more of a covert narcissist (tried to make me her friend so she had someone to  confide her secrets, things that a 12 /13 year old shouldn't be told my their mom).    I am a Codependent (Inverted Narcissist), Imagine that. Most of my family members are either Sociopath's, Narcissists, BPD, PS, some addicted to drugs and alcohol, some not.  Fortunately, the narcissistic boss I had at work for 20 years is out of my life (retired finally).  And, I pretty much attract anyone that will treat me like crap.... My coping mechanism has always been to be positive, everyone gets the benefit of the doubt in my world.  Makes me an easy target and gullible.  So considering, I have probably improved what my score would have been a year or more ago..... it probably would have been 100+!  Thank you for the link, the test is helpful.....

DM

Wow, you are surrounded DM so yes, great score and what's neat is you can keep doing it over time to see how you're doing.  I was surrounded by FOO who either have a PD or enable those with PDs.  That felt like  :sharkbait: and I definitely would have scored red right across the board.   

Here's to 'greener' pastures in recovery :hug:

now why did i go and do that?  88points all a lovely shade of bright red.... :doh: i wish i had resisted the temptation. :doh: :doh: :doh:

Thank you for posting this keepfighting. I needed it.

Bright red  86 out of 105    :sadno:

The m has been gone from the world for almost 50 years yet my score hit 90, all sizzling red in the recap.

:'(    :sadno:     :'(   

Stunned a bit; so much for "time will heal". The good is it's all only memory; the bad is the memories are still so overwhelming, and the results on my current life still so hopelessly obvious :pissed:.  I guess it just shows how long after this can drag one's spirit down.

82/105 and my mother has been dead for 15 years. It doesn't help that the most recent trauma was bullying by someone who was much, much worse as far as narcissism goes and who was assisted and protected by his mother in the harassment. The saving grace is my siblings, whom I have always been close to.

I've just started talking about my mother in therapy in the last couple of months and realising how far back some of the problems go. Obviously there's a lot of work to do.

just did this again, and it was ninety this time. so much the same as last year. not surprised. the last six months have been pretty dead inside.  it occurred to me today (surprise surprise) that the only person who can actually help me is me, so if i want things to change i better get on with it.  a long way to come back from in terms of re-recovery, i fear, but i think i may be ready now.

Quote from: arpy1 on May 07, 2016, 10:14:09 AM
it occurred to me today (surprise surprise) that the only person who can actually help me is me

You Go Girl!  :cheer:

I love the cheerleading on this site. My mom is kind of covert, so I only got 74 despite living with her, though i wonder if some of it is denial on my part. Wish I had a better sense of the support network. That might be better than I really think it is. It's hard for me to tell if 'm really giving as much as I "should" because of all the guilt put on my by my mom. I tend to think I feel closer to people than they do to me, but I don't know if it's accurate or not. Different ways I've been hurt have led me to that opinion over the years. I also have very high self-disclosure because of the boundary problem stuff, so there's that factor too. Self-care was yellow, so I have that going for me!

I also found it hard to answer some of these because I was trying to go with what I feel is true versus what I know is true, so there's some difference there. Joining this board really helped with the sense of community.

Self-care 8/15
Abuse Awareness 9/15
Detachment 12/15
Support Network 11/15
Blame vs. Accountability 10/15
Anger Awareness 11/15
Realistic View of Family 13/15 (Wow, that one was surprising for some reason!)

Quote from: LindyLoo on May 17, 2016, 06:15:14 PM
I love the cheerleading on this site.

:cheer:

If we 'who get it' don't cheer for everyone of us, then where would we be?

:waveline:

honestly, i thought i was doing better.  got a 60, 5 red, 2 yellow.  wow, denial sure is a weird thing!  makes me want to cry, so sad this has happened to me.  i've been working so hard, and i'm still up to my neck in sh*t.  dang!

this thought just came to mind.  have been having communication problems with my hubby lately, and i'm feeling a bit more vulnerable than usual.  i wonder if that can be having an effect on how i scored.  yeah, feeling out of control, like i'm in a battle for my own being once again, something i can hardly remember not doing my entire life.  actually, maybe i have been battling for me since before i can remember.  it sure feels like it.

so, i guess i'll just have to keep on keepin' on.  right now it totally feels like an uphill battle - again!  ugh, i hate this stuff!

I'm honestly surprised!

I scored 44 with only one red area, detachment, which was 9 of 15. I scored 1 of 15 in support network, which seems right. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude for my friends today I almost cried.

Everything else is yellow in the 5 to 8 range.

I have done group talk therapy, mindfulness meditation, and now CBT+EMDR. I have been VLC or NC over the years for the last 10 years. I guess all that really has helped.

Still more work to do, but feeling relieved like I really can get healthy since I am on my way already.

congrats!  great progress!

i am an emdr therapist, and i know how helpful that can be for trauma work, and i'm so glad you found that and have been able to use it.  there are none here where i live, but i've been doing some modified form of it on myself for awhile.  i, too, believe that this stuff needs a multi-modal approach.  keep going!  that just sounds so wonderful to me.  you're an inspiration, movementforthebetter.   

Thanks for posting this test!
I scored 71 out of 105. It was kind of an eye-opener. Oh well, perhaps my mom was and is really a narcisisst....???
My only two yellow areas were "support network" and "realistic view of family". But I don't want to think of my mom as a narcisisst. That makes me feel too guilty. I don't want to blame her or think negatively of her.
One boss of mine is clearly a narcissist and everytime I have an interaction with her, I have an intense emotional flashback. Well, my mom did have some narcisisstic traits, especially when I lived with her as a kid... But perhaps she also had C-PTSD and acted out her outer critic???
Anyways, I also want to cheer ourselves on and congratulate those who made such great progress!  :cheer:

Scary, I got 81 and all red and that's after 5 years of therapy and going No contact  2 years ago! I know it was much worse before. Thank goodness for the help around her and elsewhere and for finally recognising her for what she was. It only took me until I was 58!

But thank goodness I'm going in the right direction.  :cheer:

Wow, I got a 94!  However, I know I have come a long way with boundary issues.  I still feel bad, guilty, but I am starting to set them with just about everyone.  So much so that my sister actually said I don't feel like this is my sister anymore.

I have not started to work on guilt yet.  I honestly don't feel like it is something I will ever be able to overcome, but I'm willing to try.

I didn't even think of my mother as narcissistic at all! Possibly BPD with some histrionic tendencies, but not narcissistic. Took the test and, hmmm  78 / 105 with all red.

Self care 13/15; abuse awareness 10/15; detachment 11/15, Support network 9/15, Blame vs accountability 9/15, Anger awareness 12/15 and (drum roll)  Realistic View of Family 14/15.

Inner critic is having a field day right now. Gotta go shut IC up.

I got 108, so I'm still being influenced pretty heavily by my mother. Ironically, though she clearly has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, she's got her doctorate in psychology... and has no idea what a narcissist she is, or what effect she's had on my upbringing. The questions were really validating, as others have said.

What to do with this information.... ?

I got 79, with one yellow (Abuse awareness). Self care 11, Abuse awareness 8, Detachment 13, Support network 10, Blame/accountability 11, Anger awareness 12, Realistic view of family 14. After many years of therapy and work on self. But I do know that I have made a lot of progress  :cheer: and I will keep going.

Strangley enough, part of me is having a laugh. Maybe the if-you-can't-be-good-at-being-good-then-best-be-bad? We used to compare marks at school when I was about 12. The person who 'won' was the person with the lowest mark. Years later a few of us talked about the time and it turned out - surprise surprise - we'd all been really, really unhappy. But that was a time and a society in which you didn't talk about having problems.

I'm not actually even sure that my mother has NPD. She's certainly got some of the traits, but others no, totally not. I'm sure she's got uC-PTSD though. That doesn't excuse her by any means. She could work on her own problems and she certainly ought to have tried in my childhood.

Does anybody know why there is such an emphasis on narcisstic mothers? As opposed to fathers? I don't think my father is narcisstic, but why the emphasis on the 'evil' mother? In my FOO's current view, I'm at fault for more or less everything, and if anybody else is at fault then my mother. So that's the two females in the family. The three males are all innocent as the day they were born, struggling with two difficult women. So not true of course, but that's the way they see it, not knowing about family dynamics, enablers etc.

Just retook this and there is some improvement. Part of that improvement has come through attempting to forgive. I know forgiveness isn't possible for many here, and even when it is, people aren't always ready to forgive.

Mom is still alive and still a limited part of my life. Dad is still alive and still a limited part of my life. Still, through using the journals on this website and talking with al of the people here via different posts, I have come to forgive many of the incidents. Not all, I'm a work in progress just like everyone else here.

So, when I took the test again, I dropped from 78 to 69. Only one area got higher, and that concerns me a lot - the 'Realistic View' category. The rest are the same or better than before. So, overall, I'll take that as improvement.

This is a helpful tool, regardless if the figures get better or worse. Either way, it's a good indicator of where we are on any given day. Thanks, again for posting this link!

I got  86.
15 on self care, 12 on abuse awareness, 14 on detachment, 6 on support network, 13 on blame vs. accountability, 13 on anger awareness, 13 on realistic view of family.
So pretty much, thanks a lot dad for messing me up so bad!
and there goes the victim mentality...I just have a lot to work on. But, I'm lucky to have a few good trusting friendships.
At least now I know what to work on...

Thanks for the link info !
95 here :aaauuugh:
its a new day to start fresh in my recovery!
I am understanding this is a slow process and thankfully I am ready for this journey and taking necessary steps to be safe from more family stuff cutting contact to a minimum.  It took me long enough baby steps for me   ;D
Thank you everyone
12 Nice

I answered based on my past not present situation and got 80, red across all of the categories. I know I'm doing better now.

Gosh...scored 73, 6 out of 7 red.... support network was yellow due to amazing hubby, v few close friends and OOTS!  Feel v grateful for that.

Test helped to validate and face the true impact of FOO a little more.

Quote from: Blueberry on February 16, 2017, 07:32:54 PM
I'm not actually even sure that my mother has NPD. She's certainly got some of the traits, but others no, totally not.

I've felt that way as well. Are we working from this list? http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html My M meets most but not all the criteria.

I had a wry smile at the second par of point 11. I know I got presents for birthday and Christmas, but the only one I can remember now was a mug with the words BE HAPPY printed on it. I got home from school and there it was on my desk. Naturally I was a deeply unhappy teenager, didn't know why, and assumed it was my fault. But there was a 'gift', no wrapping, no comment, something she'd seen and picked up while at the supermarket: Here you go. I want you to be happy. Nay, I demand it. Because I'm a good mother and I always do the right thing.

QuoteDoes anybody know why there is such an emphasis on narcisstic mothers? As opposed to fathers? I don't think my father is narcisstic, but why the emphasis on the 'evil' mother?

In traditional families mother has total control over the infant until s/he starts school. Those are vital formative years, and usually there's no witness to what she's doing or not doing while father's at work and older siblings are in school. It's the 24/7 world's hardest job. When father gets home, she'll give him a report. The good-enough mother tells of milestone accomplishments and things she and the infant enjoyed doing together, taking pride and delight in her child. A resentful, dissatisfied or narcissistic mother will say things like "She wore me out today" or "I had to give her a wallop because..." And what would father know? Most of the time he isn't there. Point 3 on the list drives this home; mother defines her children. First daughter was a little angel today. Second daughter ... :roll: :roll: and fill in the blank.

QuoteIn my FOO's current view, I'm at fault for more or less everything...

That makes you the scapegoat, Blueberry.

Quote... and if anybody else is at fault then my mother.

That's a secondary scapegoat. In my FOO, that role was taken by my dad. My sisters and I all thought he was the problem until the lightbulb went on for me. It can be hard to see things clearly when the Puppeteer is deliberately playing family members off against each other. Mine was very big on point 23:

QuoteThe narcissist also uses favoritism and gossip to poison her children's relationships. The scapegoat sees the mother as a creature of caprice and cruelty. As is typical of the privileged, the other children don't see her unfairness and they excuse her abuses. Indeed, they are often recruited by the narcissist to adopt her contemptuous and entitled attitude towards the scapegoat and with her tacit or explicit permission, will inflict further abuse.

As to the Piper score, I got one yellow and the rest were red. However, the questions are phrased in present tense and, like others here, I cast my mind back and answered as if I hadn't been NC more than 25 years.

I also answered based on my present situation. I scored 45; self care and blame vs accountability in green; abuse awareness, detachment, and anger awareness yellow; support network and realistic view of family red.

Good gravy.  Taking that quiz was discouraging...

I have just seen this, and I filled it in, and I scored 71, with all red areas.

I wonder if my score will change after more time - I hope it will reduce as I 'get better' - I am hopeful that I am changing in the right direction.

Hope  :)

I scored 27 points, all yellow, maybe that has to do with the fact that I am NC with my FOO for so long. I scored one red, selfcare, I do know that still is a problem for me, but overall,
Yay  :cheer:

Lingurine

Quote from: Lingurine on August 02, 2017, 01:55:24 PM
I scored 27 points, all yellow, maybe that has to do with the fact that I am NC with my FOO for so long. I scored one red, selfcare, I do know that still is a problem for me, but overall,
Yay  :cheer:

Lingurine

That's amazing.  ;D I scored 93 but have only been no contact a few months, you've given me hope.  :yes:

There's plenty of hope, blues_cruise!  :hug: IME the biggest step forward is when we stop them joining the Inner Critic in a demolition job.

Quote from: Blueberry on February 16, 2017, 07:32:54 PM
I got 79, with one yellow (Abuse awareness). Self care 11, Abuse awareness 8, Detachment 13, Support network 10, Blame/accountability 11, Anger awareness 12, Realistic view of family 14. After many years of therapy and work on self. But I do know that I have made a lot of progress  :cheer: and I will keep going.

I just retook this and scored 80. However Abuse Awareness is down from 8 to 6. Everything else fire-engine red though. Detachment down too.

Self Care    12 out of 15 Points
Abuse Awareness    6 out of 15 Points
Detachment    11 out of 15 Points
Support Network    12 out of 15 Points
Blame vs. Accountability    11 out of 15 Points
Anger Awareness    13 out of 15 Points
Realistic View of Family    15 out of 15 Points

Thanks, that was really interesting. Got 101, but I didn't expect any lower... realistically...

I wish there was a question added there that would have said something like "I have some doubt about my self blame, I sometimes wonder if I'm less to blame than I feel I am." Because the feeling is 100% convincing and powerful, but logically I can kind of understand I'm probably not 100% to blame. Logically, maybe just 99.999999999999999% is on me? ;)

Quote from: ah on October 05, 2017, 08:55:26 AM
Logically, maybe just 99.999999999999999% is on me? ;)

I can imagine that you or others may feel this way, and probably I even still do deep down, but really it's not true. We might be 50% to blame, maximum. But for things that happened in childhood by parents who were messed up - we're not to blame for that. No matter what they said, e.g. it's all your fault because you were born or whatever. That 'blame' is a load of rubbish.

Quote from: blues_cruise on August 07, 2017, 11:29:53 AM

Quote from: Lingurine on August 02, 2017, 01:55:24 PM
I scored 27 points, all yellow, maybe that has to do with the fact that I am NC with my FOO for so long. I scored one red, selfcare, I do know that still is a problem for me, but overall,
Yay  :cheer:

Lingurine

That's amazing.  ;D I scored 93 but have only been no contact a few months, you've given me hope.  :yes:

I just did this test again out of interest and scored 48, which is down from the 93 I scored last August. I am feeling far better than I did when I was still in contact.  :yes: Hope that might inspire others to take a chance and care for themselves.  :)

Wow Blues, that's awesome.  Yay you!  :cheer: 

98 all red
Hmm I thought I was improving, and I guess 12 mths ago it would have been 105, so there is progress but a long long way to go  :blink:

Idk if we should take it too too seriously wattlebird. The first time I scored 79, the second time months later 80!  There was improvement in almost all areas of my life during that time, even if slow. Mine are also almost all red, one yellow I think. Maybe I'm too hard on myself, on judging where I am? Maybe you too?

Sure, it must be dependant on mood fluctuations and everything I guess if I took it on a better day I would score way better, I was just feeling quite low after thinking about the questions and reading the blog on nm's
But it does highlight that I am not imagining how hard things were for me (us) and it's ok and a good thing for me to be in therapy.  :'(

Quote from: Wattlebird on September 26, 2018, 12:17:29 PM
But it does highlight that I am not imagining how hard things were for me (us) and it's ok and a good thing for me to be in therapy.  :'(

Compassionate  :hug: :hug: I'm sure you're not imagining how hard things were. That will be an old FOO myth. Foo used to compare me to people with 'real problems'. In their minds they have to do that to keep us downtrodden and not rebelling, I suppose. I'm also sure it's a good thing you're in therapy, as it is with me. And it's OK too. Perfectly acceptable to need therapy, especially with our type of backgrounds.

I actually did this quiz when I first got to OOTF and I got a way lower score back then than this time.
This time I got 70: in the red zone on self care, abuse awareness, blame, anger awareness and realistic view of family. I just started the first step in the ACA 12 step program though so maybe I am answering out of that a bit. I certainly feel better than I did back then. Or maybe I was so in denial at the start that I answered low for stuff like feeling bad when I say no to people because I didn't know how to feel my feelings!

It's nice reading everyone else's stories of how theirs have improved - maybe mine will too through the 12 step.