Out of the Storm

Treatment & Self-Help => Self-Help & Recovery => Recovery Journals => Topic started by: sanmagic7 on March 30, 2018, 04:22:27 PM

Title: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 30, 2018, 04:22:27 PM
i see where my journal was heading toward 30 pages, and with a big move around the corner (again) i thought i'd start anew.

the move will take place in about 3 months.  don't know where, don't know how, don't know what to expect.  in the past few days, tho, i've begun feeling more like this is going to be another adventure, and i don't feel so small and fearful about it, which i'm very glad of. 

my part in this is to help my d realize her dream.  she's been thru so much, has battled and struggled because of her own childhood, our family dynamic, and the illnesses/woundings of the people with whom she grew up.  i've helped her out of guilt in the past, but i'm not in that same place now.  at this time of my life, it's more the idea that we are able to help each other.

her part is to help me cuz of my health/stress issues.  she's pragmatic and emotional about it at the same time.  she's been the one constant in my life who has showed me acceptance and kindness, which i believe has been helping me to gain a little traction in the healing department.  in her life, i have been a constant source of support and encouragement, while also showing her my remorse for my part in what happened to her, and the work i've done to change those things about me that do not benefit her life.

so, we've come to the point where we want to be in each other's company, we get along really well, and we can turn to each other in times of distress.  i'm still her mom, she's still my daughter, but it's all on an adult level now (which took some transitioning for me and she was helpful with that).  now, we are about to turn a corner together in our lives, a strange new world awaiting us.

i can't even imagine what this will mean in either of our lives.  it's very different from what most of our friends have done - she's not caretaking me cuz i'm too old to take care of myself, and i'm still helping her out financially even tho she's way into adulthood. 

lots of us here have talked about c-ptsd and how its effects have altered our lives, physically, emotionally, mentally.  i believe that the newfound relationship with my daughter is a result of this as well.   we've both been stunted in what we've wanted to accomplish and when.  it's been more difficult to do what we've wanted to do when we wanted to do it.  we've both made relationship choices that didn't work out well for us.  now we're turning another corner, but together.

i believe we still have things to learn from each other, so we'll continue to grow.  that feels good.  my biggest wish for her is that she can be happy, content, productive, and satisfied with her life.  my biggest wish for me is to continue healing so that i can feel the same as what i wish for her.  it's rather exciting to see what we'll meet around the next corner. 

Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on March 30, 2018, 04:27:13 PM
I think this is a beautiful start to a new adventure, San  :hug: It is great to hear you a bit more positive, and feeling like this can all be accomplished. We are all here on this journey with you, to help and support as much as we can. Also hearing the way you talk about your daughter is truly wonderful, it warms my heart to hear it tbh. I hope that you both can learn and grow from this. I have faith you do.

Sending love and encouragement for this new journey
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 30, 2018, 04:42:06 PM
thanks, my darlling el.  the support and encouragement are both appreciated and embraced.  it will all be good.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Blueberry on March 30, 2018, 04:58:13 PM
 :hug: :hug: san. What you write sounds as if things are fitting together well, as if the puzzle pieces are slotting together.

As a daughter with 'mother problems' reading this "...while also showing her my remorse for my part in what happened to her, and the work i've done to change those things about me that do not benefit her life." touches me in a good way.

:yourock: san for feeling remorse, showing it to your daughter and making changes! It sounds as if so much good is coming out of that in both of your lives.  I'm really really happy for you. :hug:  I'd like to say 'Congratulations' too. Because I know the amount of hard work behind making these kinds of changes.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 30, 2018, 05:09:26 PM
you darling blueberry you.  that was so sweet, so touched my heart, what you said.  thank you so much. 

it does feel like the pieces are slotting into place.  this is an unexpected shift that has happened in the past week, and it's sticking in a good way, helping me to have my old faith back that whatever happens i'll deal with it. 

love and hugs back to you, dearie.  i wish you could find some satisfaction with your mom cuz i know how much you struggle with that relationship.  i wish she could see the beautiful daughter she has, like i see the beautiful being you are. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Hope67 on March 30, 2018, 06:13:47 PM
Hi SanMagic,
You are a beautiful human being as well - I just wanted to say that.   :hug: to you.  I agree that Blueberry is also a beautiful human being, infact there are so many wonderful people here - it is heart-warming.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 30, 2018, 09:16:35 PM
right back atcha, hope - you belong in the beautiful being category as well.  thank you for that.  i completely agree with you, i have never encountered such a gathering of beauty as comprises this forum.  i see a garden of flowers here, growing, budding, and blossoming.  it's really lovely.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on March 31, 2018, 05:07:48 PM
still feeling pretty good, still no sugar.  i think this is day 4.  it's not healthy for me, it's not good for my body.  i have to keep remembering that and reminding myself.  my name is san and i'm a sugar addict.  this is my little addiction meeting for today.  one day at a time.  today i will not eat sweets.  thank you.

Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 01, 2018, 12:03:16 AM
 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 02, 2018, 12:58:00 AM
thanks, d.r.  it does feel like something worth celebrating.

so, today is the first day of a new month.  my name is san and i'm a sugar addict.  day 5 of no sugar.  thank you for your support.

yesterday, my d brought up the subject of her father, my ex, who i want nothing to do with.  it shook me to my core.  she brought him up because we'll be living together in a bit, and she wanted to know where i was at with him and her relationship with him.

*****  TW    *****   covert sexual abuse mentioned


i've told her years ago about him, his covert sexual attention to both her and her sister, as well as his misogyny and npd.  she has decided that she still wants a relationship with him, still talks to him regularly on the phone, but doesn't talk to me about any of it.  just her mention of him sent me reeling.

as we talked, we both agreed that there has been a lot of lies and deceit in our family, people lying about each other (mostly my d1 about me to d2 and their father, who opted to leave me on my own with it the whole time we were married).  however, he's also lied over and over about so much, allowed neg. assumptions to be made, and actually checked out of our family and what was going on for many years.

she and i have worked very hard to have a pos., strong relationship now, but the idea of her father has been a stumbling block.  she told me that she's already told him if he comes out here to visit her, he can't stay at our place.  i was glad of that, cuz i don't believe i'd be able to stay under the same roof as him.

she also acknowledged to me that she knows i haven't lied about what's gone on with him (i've also told her that i've double-checked on what i'd heard about him. confronted him. and that there was no denial of anything i brought to him).  yesterday, i told her that i don't trust him at all, and i'm afraid for her.

she reassured me that she has strong boundaries up and, to my relief, that she was ready to walk if any of those boundaries are overstepped.  i was very glad to hear that, because, as far as i know, he hasn't changed his sexual addiction stance, doesn't believe he has a problem, and hasn't done the work he's needed to change his perception of women (including his own daughters) as sexual beings/objects to lust over.

i told her that there was a time when both she and i were present and he made an inappropriate remark, and neither she nor i caught it.  i also told her that i will not refer to him as 'dad', haven't for awhile, because i don't believe a dad would act or speak that way about his daughters.  i would only acknowledge him as her father.

it was extremely upsetting, we both cried, i understand she doesn't want to lose her father in her life, but i think she knows that this is real, dangerous, and that i just want to protect her.   i believe we both felt better after talking it out, it was some of the stuff i've wanted to say to her about him, (besides just screaming about what a horrible person i think he is) and i believe she will be on the alert.

unfortunately, she's gotten used to emotionally distant men in her life thru him and the relationships she's been involved with.  hopefully, we'll be able to talk about that at some later date.  for now, tho, i think i've done all i can, and have to respect her decision to keep him in her life.  ugh, the thought of him anywhere near her makes my skin crawl. 

so, that's what i wrestled with yesterday, and it wasn't fun.  i think it's still triggering for me because those relationships with my daughters are still going on.  he and our oldest have their own pathetic dance they've been doing for many years, and there's nothing i can do about that except what i've done (she's the one i'm nc with).  i can only give it to the universe knowing i've done as much as i can.  it's horrible, tho.  i don't like it at all.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 03, 2018, 12:17:47 AM
day 6 of no sugar, and i feel good about that.  i want to keep writing this down - it's been such a struggle for me for so long, and these daily reminders help me stay on track.

also, i'm going to lunch with my d tomorrow, and that has inadvertently been a trigger to allow myself dessert.  however, as far as i can tell, i feel pretty strong about passing it up.  i hope i make it.

otherwise, walked again this morning, which also felt good.  i'm still feeling pretty strong and adventuresome, especially if i don't think about the details of the move too much.  the time will come when i'm immersed in it, and i think it's better to wait till then.  there will be enough anxiety to deal with when the packing starts.

gotta go get some papers together.  i want to see if i can transfer payments to a new checking acct.  both are gov't payments, and i dread the red tape and hoops to jump thru with that.  don't know if i'll be able to do it yet - last time i made a bank acct. change, it was a nightmare.  my d will be with me, and she's very competent with this kind of thing and with these people.  so, my faith is higher than otherwise.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 03, 2018, 12:50:07 AM
Nice to hear that you're feeling stronger, San. It's so much easier to resist cravings when you feel stronger as I've experienced myself. You always sounded like a pretty adventurous and excitable person when you were younger, and I'm glad you got a taste of that again.

Hope you figure out those bills, San. I have no idea what you mean by red tape and hoops (though my curiosity will probably lead me to research it soon), but it does sound pretty complicated.

Keep the faith, San. Love you.  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Hope67 on April 03, 2018, 06:49:52 PM
Hi SanMagic,
It's great that you're coped with Day 6 of your 'No sugar' plan, and well done for doing that.  I think it must be tough - I hope you enjoyed the lunch - and that Day 7 will be ok as well.   Good luck with it all.  You are doing really well.   :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on April 04, 2018, 06:28:45 AM
Hey dear,
I am sorry I didn't realize you had created a new diary!

It sounds like you and your d had a very difficult, but much needed conversation. It sounds as you two perhaps even got a stronger relationship out of it as well. It's good to hear she has strong boundaries and are ready to walk should they be trampled. And I can understand the worry you must feel for her. I think you've done what you can though, you've had an open and honest conversation with her about where you stand and what he is like. Which is wonderful of you!

I also want to applaud you on your sugar-resistance! And tell you that I have joined you in this battle. I'm only on my 3rd day though. But I know how much it sucks to be tempted and how hard it is to say no. But we can do this! I'm cheering you on!  :cheer:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 04, 2018, 06:06:53 PM
hey, d.r.

i get 2 payments from different gov't sources, directly deposited each month into a checking acct.  yesterday i went to a bank that's on the side of the country where i now live in order to create a new checking acct. and have those payments transferred.  the last time i did that, it took 3 hours, and trips to the various gov't agencies to set up the acct. and payments.

i was w/ my ex at the time, who i now know doesn't lift a finger to truly be in my corner, and i needed 3 cig breaks, buckets of tears, and calling him out on his crapola the times we went outside for the breaks.  it was horrible cuz i can't comprehend when loads of info is being pushed at me and the person is speaking really fast.  i had to depend on him to help me, and he's very reluctant to do anything on my behalf.  to say it was exceedingly stressful is one of the understatements of the century.

this time went more smoothly, even tho i wasn't able to get a credit card to begin establishing credit now that i'm here.  all those years in mexico took their toll in more than one area of my life.  while the bank person was very helpful, and my d was as well, it was frustrating to not be able to begin to establish credit, which we'll need for the move, for renting a car and a place to live.  i guess i was hoping against hope.  things have changed so much up here while i've been gone.

so, those are some of the hoops and red tape in dealing with any large financial institutions.  it purely sucks, and i don't know for sure what to do now, how it's going to work for my d and me.  feeling strong but a little hopeless right now.

thanks, hope.  day 6 went well, even with the lunch and my d offering to buy me ice cream after our lunch.  i resisted.  yay, me.

thanks for your affirmation about my talk with my d about her father, sceal. 

and, ms. sugar free, today is day 7 for me, and i'm feeling strong.  holding out a hand of support in a shared battle.  good for you!  i'm cheering you on, too   :cheer:  we can do this.  i am a sugar addict and it's not healthy for me to eat those tasty sugary sweets.  actually, they're poison to me, just like alc. and cigs.  don't need to enable this relationship anymore.

so, now the battle for a credit score begins.  i don't know exactly who in my life has good credit where maybe i could hitch a ride as an authorized user of one of their credit cards.  also asked at the bank about a secure credit card, which might help to start the credit spike.  so, i've done some homework on what i need to do.  and being on a fixed income doesn't help - there's been no leftovers to get me over any hump.  i'd already asked people for financial help just to get me moved up here and find a place to stay.  so, can't do that again.

somehow, it will work out.  i just have to have faith and trust the magic.  at least today i woke up with the strength to look at some of the info online, and thought, if this is how god will help me, than so be it.  that's better than it was, and i'm grateful for that.  i can't realistically expect a bag of money to fall at my feet.

in the meantime, i'm so very thankful for all of you.  you help give me this strength and the energy i need to keep moving forward.  love you all.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 06, 2018, 12:23:38 PM
day 9, still going strong.  feeling good about it, feeling more hopeful about the move.  we're attempting to do something in 4-5 mos. that should've taken us a year.  well, my d is strong, too, and if any 2 women can do this, it is she and i.  she has become so wise, so resourceful it still sometimes smacks me in the face if i underestimate her.  she is a warrior of the best kind.

did too much physically yesterday, so i've gotta take the day off.  going to the porch later - have begun knitting an afghan for our new place.  i'll rock and knit and enjoy anyone who's on the porch.  it'll be nice to have some company.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 07, 2018, 10:01:39 PM
day 10,  i am a sugar addict, and i'm taking this one day at a time.  thank you for being here.  it helps me remind myself why i'm doing this, and also adds to my strength to resist the cravings/habit.

i'm been doing some thinking about the future, feeling my own sense of strength coming back, wanting to do something that will add to our (my d and i) new household.  i used to create and present workshops on various themes, and i believe i'm going to give that a shot again.  don't know how successful it might be, but won't know till i try it.

so, i've got some ideas swirling around my head, and they make me smile.  it's feeling like i'm finally returning.  i think my move to here and my future move to there have been exactly what i've needed.  funny, how we never can tell what's around the corner until we actually turn it.  i didn't expect any of this to be happening, i just knew i had to get away from a bad situation in mexico. 

even tho it's been a pretty rough 8 mos., something magical is happening.  i'm coming back to me.  it feels like home.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on April 08, 2018, 07:54:16 AM
 :hug: That is wonderful to hear, San!
Keep it up!
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 08, 2018, 06:32:37 PM
thanks, sceal.  if at all possible, i intend to.

day 11 - no sugar.  thank you for being here.  i'm feeling, what, a little pride in myself right now?  whoa!

that shift is still sticking with me.  i'm feeling pretty good.  am still knitting my afghan squares in the evening.  i'm glad of that.  have been walking regularly lately.  eating is so-so, but no sugar.  that's my main focus right now. 

all in all, i'm pleased with what i see myself doing and abstaining from.  glad to be here (and it's been a while since i've been able to put that sentiment into words.)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on April 09, 2018, 08:01:03 PM
Stopping by to semd hugs and cheer for all the positivity!  :cheer: :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 09, 2018, 10:41:18 PM
thanks, sweetie.  day 12 - i'm a sugar addict on an abstinence campaign.  still holding steady. 

this med. stuff still makes me nutso.  got a bill the other day, looked like it didn't get paid by medicare, i was livid.  told my d i was done w/ all the doc stuff, don't want it anymore except to stop in every 3 mos. to get my sleep meds scrip.  decided to call to arrange an appeal, and i looked at the bill more closely while talking to the person at the other end. 

someone had put the charges in the wrong column, and that's what i'd seen as having to be paid.  i was so embarrassed, apologized for taking up this person's time (she could hear that i'd gotten frizzed, told me to take a few breaths), got off the phone and burst into tears.  too much emotion is still not good for me - i just can't manage it very well.

so, glad i don't have to pay what i thought, but dang, i'm completely drained now.  i didn't realize how i'd been holding all that stress in till it came pouring out.  i'm so sick of this.  but i walked this morning, so that's good.  it's been pretty regular lately and feels great, actually.  the spring peeper frogs are all in chorus before dawn, which is when i try to get out there.  they are so fun to hear. 

smiling now thinking about them.  one more time . . .
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Blueberry on April 09, 2018, 10:57:08 PM
Holding back our feelings is exhausting, totally!

Hey somebody else made a mistake and put the figures in the wrong column, no need for you to be embarrassed! No need to explain why to me either, but just saying. Anyway sounds as if the person took it OK by suggesting you take a few breaths.

The morning walks sound good with the peeper frogs.  :cheer: And day 12 of abstinence. Way to go, yay you!!  :applause: :applause:  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on April 10, 2018, 05:41:04 AM
Hi San!

You've done alot lately. Resisting temptations everyday is a sure way to become more easily emotional, as it's such a hard job to do. And then this thing with financials? That is also such a hard and worrying thing! It's no wonder you got upset and stressed over it. And like Blueberry says, it wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. Infact, you did exactly the right thing - you called them and asked what's going on with your bill. That's more than what I could have done.
It shows strength!

I am glad that thinking of the frogs is making you smile. And it's wonderful that you're keeping up going for walks. It's good for the soul, the mind, the body - everything!
meanwhile, I'll sit here next to you, during the moments of stress.
:hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 10, 2018, 11:12:57 AM
blueberry and sceal, you sweet things.  thanks for the support and encouragement.

that whole thing hit me harder than i expected - was an emotional mess all day.  on top of it, my ll decided that since my door was open a crack that she could come in waving my mail before i could respond, wipe the tears from my eyes, and let her know it was ok.  she doesn't give a crapola, the most intrusive person i've ever known.  no one else in this house does anything like that. 

it felt like the straw that broke my camel's back.  i cried off and on the rest of the day, holed up in my room.  just yesterday we were dancing together in the living room with her son looking on (he's 52 and my partner to go to the food pantry twice a month) and we're all smiling and laughing and then someone made a remark and a made a wise crack to it and she said i was silly.

for some reason, being called silly sounds like a put-down, an invalidation of some sort.  i said something about it and she argued, then changed it to playful, but i've heard her call other people in the house 'silly', as in 'that's just silly' cuz of their own beliefs about something.  the word 'playful' wouldn't have fit there at all.

so, now i'm done with her.  her son was right when he told me that no one could have a conversation with her, that she lives in a delusional world of her own.  also a traumatic childhood in her background, but still.  no need to be so judgmental (i'd once told her she was cuz of some of her complaints of the others). 

and, being so upset when i went to sleep, i've been up since midnight cuz of a nightmare, one of those that when i closed my eyes i could continue seeing he images, so i had to get up, play on here till they'll finally go away.  the rest of this household i get along with just fine, but she feels like she's just watching everything and everyone all the time, and it's gotten unnerving.  i'll be very glad to get out of here.

it's been 4 hrs., if i close my eyes i can still see the images.  it was not a good one.  don't know what it means, don't know why that phone call was so upsetting, couldn't even concentrate enough to figure out what triggered me like that.   maybe just the whole doc/health thing that keeps biting me in the butt every time i turn around.  i'm working my brain to death trying to get everything in order.  ugh and double ugh.

ok, enough ranting.  felt good to get it out, tho. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 10, 2018, 11:30:30 AM
Hey, just wanted to give a little hug. All I could do today.  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 10, 2018, 07:33:27 PM
it was plenty, sweetie.  thank you for that.

day whatever, still no sugary sweets.  don't have any in the house, so that helps, and can't afford to buy any, so that helps, too. the more days under my belt, and me acknowledging them, seems to give me strength for this.  plus, i'd hate to write here that i caved.  too many emotions around that i suspect, all of them negative.  ultimately, it would be because i'm human, but i think i'd feel very ashamed, like i let people down (i'm so outward focused sometimes, i hate it), angry with myself, sad, self-hate,  oooh, there's one that doesn't come up very often.

so, basically, it's easier for me to abstain cuz those emotions would be very stressful to contend with, and i'm basically wanting to live as stress-free as possible.  bringing on the stress myself would be terribly self-defeating.

i walked over to the son yesterday, asked him for a hug.  he was very kind about it, told me he could give me as many hugs as i needed.  later, i did a body scan to see if i felt anything sexual in it, but i didn't.  i was glad of that.  it made me feel like he's a safe place for something like that. 

we do josh around a lot, but i work at not being too provocative or flirty.  so far i think we've established a sort of friendship, and i like that.  i am flirty by nature with everyone, but i don't think this would be a good idea.  sneaking around in this house, i don't think i need that kind of excitement.  i guess i don't want to go any further with this at this time.

so, i'm still feeling drained, just have to wait this out, stay away from her as much as possible, which is its own kind of stress.  i'll come around eventually, just more careful to keep my door firmly closed from here on in.  one time she told me she didn't like that cuz i'm rarely ever gone, and she hates that the cat doesn't have access to the room if he wants.

yeah, that's the kind of stupid crap i'm contending with.   fluck the cat.  i'm not caring too much about her rules now, either.  i'm just waiting, biding my time, till i don't have to deal with her anymore.  so, that's where i'm at today.  waiting till the funk rises and it's feeling more clear again.  i'm still remembering the nightmare images, but i can push them away pretty quickly.  still, i don't like that i can still remember them.  i wish they'd be gone by now.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on April 11, 2018, 11:30:47 AM
San, this is all a lot to contend with but you are taking it in so well. Focusing on healing and checking in on yourself, I am proud of you for that. It is an inspiration to me to see you so determined, especially with the sugar addict things. However know that you will never disappoint me or anyone here if you don't keep the solid streak. We are all here for your authentic journey, and not here to judge.

Sending you warm hugs and lots of compassion  :hug: When you get stressed try to remember that earth mother spirit is always with you. She exudes calm and peace for all of us. You can curl up in her voluminous skirts and bevome part of that peace and calm. It gives new found energy and freedom from the images that you are still seeing as well as just a sense of calm and safety.

The colors in her skirt are beautiful and evoke small feelings of joy, just because of how we perceive beauty in this sense. Really enjoy seeing her in visualization if you can to replace the bad images :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 11, 2018, 08:36:18 PM
el, you are brilliant and wise.  what a good idea, to visualize ems and her skirts and the colors.  actually, the images had gone till i read about them, but only if i purposefully try to remember them now.  they'll eventually be gone for good.

day 14, no sugary sweets.  i'm still a sugar addict, but now i've got 2 weeks under my belt.  i can also acknowledge that my body is thanking me for this.  it doesn't need them, doesn't respond well to them.  i really don't want any more abusive relationships in my life.  and this is surely one that i may be ready to do without now.  we'll see.

keeping my distance from la landlady, speaking very little.  she's someone who has issues but refuses to look at them, has built her own world where she's ok.  one of the tenants is moving out next mo. cuz he couldn't take her anymore.  he told her to her face that no one here liked her.  i'm sure she doesn't believe it, let alone want to explore it.

anyway, none of my concern.  i walked today, which is a victory i can claim.  saw trilliums blooming in a little woodsy place i sometimes walk thru - they're some of my favorite flowers in their pure simplicity.  white ones are my favorites.  feeling better today, a bit more back to my stronger self. 

looking forward to moving.  i hope she kept my crates like she said she would.  they will also double as furniture for me when i move - i used them as such in mexico.  it will be good to get out of here, move on to another beginning.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on April 12, 2018, 02:39:33 AM
I am glad that helped, San  :hug: Visualisations have helped me a bunch so picturing ems is what came to mind instinctually
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 13, 2018, 10:47:27 AM
Nice to hear that you're still going strong with stopping your sugar addiction. The longer you do it, the longer I expect you to last.

It's nice for you to appreciate the beauty of flowers like that. I've drawn some before, and it's nice to see how it looks. I guess it's another perspective to see the world than just think about it — a type of observation and study of the world that lies in its detail to me.

Besides, they almost smell as good as bacon. Damn, to almost rival bacon. That must be something. Then I'll add rice, because damn rice goes well even with American food.  :whistling:

Love  you San.  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 13, 2018, 12:58:22 PM
love back to you both, el and d.r.

yesterday, was railroaded by an ef.  something my d said when i was telling her about the workshops i'm creating to hopefully stir up some revenue when we move.  haven't had the energy to think of doing any for quite a long time, so i was really excited about even beginning to think of some, start putting them together.

then she said something about if men would be interested, or if they'd hold men's interest cuz usually it's women who attend these kinds of things, and men aren't usually into touchy-feely stuff.  her voice had gotten very hard when she said this, which is unusual for her, and i felt the need to explain what i was thinking, how i'd conduct them, what they'd be about - the whole nine yards.

she finally seemed satisfied, but, as i usually do, it left me feeling uneasy, and took several hours to figure out what was going on.  for one, it seemed like she had no confidence in what i was planning, even tho i've been creating and presenting workshops for many many years.  for another, it flashed me back to when i was doing therapy in a day treatment program and my supervisor once introduced me to another therapist there as 'our flaky therapist'.

i've always been unorthodox in manner and dress, have relied on gut instinct a lot of times when i did therapy, and it was difficult to explain what i did and why.  i didn't always have the words, just knew it was the right thing to do, but reporting to a supervisor, well, she wanted it to be more concrete, which was not where i ever was at.  so, i was right back to feeling like i wasn't being taken seriously, that my work was under scrutiny because i didn't really know what i was doing.

it was a terrible feeling all day, couldn't shake it, kept getting worse.  then i realized my d had no idea what kind of therapist i was, how i was so far away from any that she'd experienced, that i was never the 'touchy-feely' type, ever, and that i'd done this sort of thing many, many times with a lot of success.  whomp.  felt like i just wanted to dump the whole idea, sit on my butt for the rest of my days cuz of doubt.

i'll have to talk to her about it, but don't know when.  i'm still in the middle of this situation at the house, and that doesn't feel good, either.  yesterday turned into a xanax day just to quiet my mind.  it was so full of cotton clumps i couldn't see into it. 

so, day 16, altho i did have a cup of hot cocoa last nite cuz the sugar craving was overwhelming.  it helped.  i'm also running out of food, and the trip to the food bank isn't till next thurs.  getting a new checking acct. and starting to regain some credit took a chunk of money this month, plus a couple of doc bills.  so, running a little skinny this month.  i don't like that feeling either.

otherwise, i think today is a day for the porch.  i don't have energy, am tired, just want to read or watch tv.  what a frickin' life. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on April 13, 2018, 01:09:57 PM
That is a lot to handle, San. Come hang out on the porch with me, I will be there in spirit all day. I have faith all of this will work out for you, but you definitely deserve some rest after a nasty ef.  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 13, 2018, 08:08:20 PM
i'm there, honey.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 15, 2018, 04:33:19 PM
in a terrible slump.  everything from the past 2 weeks has hit me - feel like i've been run over by a truck.  gonna take a break from here for a bit.  love and hugs all around.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Hope67 on April 15, 2018, 05:00:19 PM
Hi SanMagic,
Sending you a warm and loving hug, and wishing you strength - I know you're taking a break, and I think that's a good thing - you take care, and we'll be here when you are back -  :hug: to you.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Blueberry on April 15, 2018, 07:48:53 PM
Sending you a caring hug, san :hug:
For me it's always pretty triggering when somebody wants to know all about my plans and then questions them and my competence. There's a lot going on in your life atm. I hope you manage to recuperate a bit however is best for you.  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 15, 2018, 09:38:52 PM
It's alright, San. It's alright. Take a break.

:hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on April 16, 2018, 05:57:34 AM
 :bighug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 18, 2018, 10:01:47 PM
hope, blueberry, d.r., and sceal - your support has meant a lot.  the time off from here was good for me.  however, i'm seeing just how worn out i've been.  i responded to a few posts before coming here, but i just got tired out again.  so, maybe all i can do is spits and spurts for now. 

you're all in my heart, tho - that doesn't change.  thank you.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on April 19, 2018, 03:22:12 AM
Perhaps it's too soon to come back? It's okay that you are tired, it's not strange at all! Everything you've been through on your own time and also all the resources you've put into this site and giving of yourself to everyone.  :hug:
You are deeply valuable! Please let yourself get the rest you need.  :bighug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 19, 2018, 03:24:02 AM
You're in my heart too, San.   :yes:

I agree with Sceal. Maybe it's too soon?

:hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Blueberry on April 19, 2018, 12:04:46 PM
I think you replied to more than "a few" posts. I sometimes answer a bunch of other posts here before I get to writing my own and then I am exhausted. Maybe it's not too soon to be back, maybe you need to rest from being there for others? You know that Porch we have?  :sunny: May be a good spot to come back to for a while. Maybe even the support we give there multiplies for all of us instead of diminishing it for anybody. Idk but it's worth a try.

I hope I'm not overstepping a boundary when I say this.  ???  As Mod, it has been topic for me a few times  - giving more than I can.  :hug:   :bighug: Blueberry
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 20, 2018, 04:22:43 PM
sceal, d.r., blueberry, it's still often strange for me to have people looking out for me.  i can't tell you what it means to me.  it's what's really helped me feel better than i did a year ago.

i'm so in the habit of doing too much, even pulling back for a few days feels like a lot.  actually, it's better than it used to.

also, your lovely thoughts about my contributions here fill my heart.  they really do.

i walked today, first time in a few days, which felt good.  i'm tired now, but it's not a bad thing.  actually, blueberry, i go to the porch a lot, even if i don't post there.  i've gotten very protective of my evening ritual, my tv programs - lots of old comedies - which are not only restful but help me to laugh, something that i believe is very good for me.  that feels like being on the porch to me - i'm with known 'friends' who are gentle and enjoyable to be around.

so, i'll stop now.  but know that i love you all so much, am so grateful for you.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Blueberry on April 21, 2018, 11:58:46 PM
Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 20, 2018, 04:22:43 PM
actually, blueberry, i go to the porch a lot, even if i don't post there.  i've gotten very protective of my evening ritual, my tv programs - lots of old comedies - which are not only restful but help me to laugh, something that i believe is very good for me.  that feels like being on the porch to me - i'm with known 'friends' who are gentle and enjoyable to be around.

:thumbup: great self-care! You've found your own Healing Porch! Cool.  :hug: :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 20, 2018, 04:22:43 PM
i'm so in the habit of doing too much, even pulling back for a few days feels like a lot.  actually, it's better than it used to.

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: for progress
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on April 22, 2018, 07:44:12 AM
 :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Shankara on April 22, 2018, 05:40:17 PM
Dear San, which old comedies Do you watch?  :wave:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 23, 2018, 08:03:28 PM
 :wave: back to you, shankara.

a lot of old sitcoms, gentle humor.  family ties, will and grace, the nanny, wings, parks and rec, murphy brown, king of queens are currently big for me.  shows of that ilk.  i've done friends, seinfeld, golden girls in the past.  at the moment, shows like all in the family and roseanne are a bit too harsh for me, too intense at times. 

at times i'll enjoy stand-up, but so much of it is political now, and i'm not enjoying that.   

i also love old black and white movies.  love the actors, the staging, how the stories were presented before cg effects. 

nothing where i have to think too much, but where it can mostly just wash over me in an enjoyable way.  it's soothing and calming for me right now.  i do have several present-day shows that i watch, but, they, too, are more on the gentle side - even the action/adventure ones.

i also like british sticoms, such as fawlty towers, ab fab (those women make me laugh out loud), are you being served? and such.  miranda, cuz she's so self-deprecating in a loving way. 

that's kind of an all-encompassing idea of what helps me relax.

i've got more to write about me, but it'll have to wait for later.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 24, 2018, 03:26:41 PM
i've been wrestling with some sex stuff lately as a way to try to let someone know he's desirable, try to build up his self-esteem.  should i?  shouldn't i?  the other day it dawned on me like a bolt out of the blue that this man was basically at a point in his self-esteem where my ex was, and how i tried to make my ex a happy person for nearly 20 yrs.  it didn't work.

so, much to my horror, when i realized i was trying to do the same thing with this guy, i mentally smacked myself into reality.  if it didn't work then, it wouldn't work now.  besides, it wasn't my job.  it was also connected to getting some help with moving, which would basically mean prostituting myself.  i decided i don't want to do that.

this took a week of agonizing over it, and last nite i just thought about how much time i spent using energy on it.  i amaze myself sometimes.  i knew i needed to write about this just to get it out of me, see how it looks in black and white.  it looks pretty bad.

so, with a roiling belly, i will put that thought aside, knowing it's the right thing to do even while i've entertained such a thought.  another part of this was the idea that i would like to have sex again before i die.  because of my hub's fears after his hip replacement surgery, and the fact that he would never talk to a doc about them, he basically ended up denying me for the past 10 yrs.  it was horrible lying next to the man i loved, wanting him, and he refused to do anything about it.  his fear eventually dried him up.

another thing i'm grieving.

i've put myself into crying therapy lately.  in the past, thru different types of massage, i put myself thru horrendous pain in order to cry, get the poison out of my system.  when i allowed myself to do so, i could feel the difference both physically and emotionally.   so, in the past few months, i've been allowing myself to let 'er rip when i feel the tears coming while i'm watching tv in my room.   i've noticed that there's been less pain in my back afterwards.

it's emotionally draining, and i'm very tired today, but i do believe my back has been a receptor for my emotional pain, and even when i don't know exactly why i'm crying (sad? grieving? beauty?), it's the tears that are cleansing in themselves, drawing out poisons from my muscles, which gives my muscles a bit of relief.  i'm just realizing this in the past day or 2, but i do believe i want to continue doing this.  so far, i think it's helping.

it's also emotionally painful to go thru this, but that's how it is with any therapy.  since i don't have access to a t, i have to find my own way, and not shrink from it.  so, i'm pushing myself to do this, go thru it, let it out and not bother with scurrying around in my mind to find out what i'm crying about.  seems that the reason itself doesn't matter - it's the action that's making a difference.

and, that's different for me.  i've always been hot on finding out the 'why' of something, the connection, so to let that go and simply accept the release of tears in their own right is a stretch.  still, i'm seeing its worth, and i have to be ok with that.

all right, exhausted now.  time to eat and sleep.  just wanted to get this all down and out of me once again.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Hope67 on April 24, 2018, 06:56:03 PM
Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 24, 2018, 03:26:41 PM
it's emotionally draining, and i'm very tired today, but i do believe my back has been a receptor for my emotional pain, and even when i don't know exactly why i'm crying (sad? grieving? beauty?), it's the tears that are cleansing in themselves, drawing out poisons from my muscles, which gives my muscles a bit of relief.  i'm just realizing this in the past day or 2, but i do believe i want to continue doing this.  so far, i think it's helping.

it's also emotionally painful to go thru this, but that's how it is with any therapy.  since i don't have access to a t, i have to find my own way, and not shrink from it.  so, i'm pushing myself to do this, go thru it, let it out and not bother with scurrying around in my mind to find out what i'm crying about.  seems that the reason itself doesn't matter - it's the action that's making a difference.
Hi SanMagic,
:hug: to you and your strength to do this emotionally painful stuff - glad that it is helping.  You are brave - I think so. 
Crying those salty tears will hopefully take some stuff away and bring you some relief.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on April 26, 2018, 06:32:38 AM
I can hear that you've got a lot of things on your mind these days. And a lot of grief to process.
I think it is wonderful that you are able to give yourself time and room to cry it out, even if you don't know what's causing you to cry.

You're doing a wonderful, and hard job getting through all the difficulties. And you're soon going to move out and into a new everyday-life with your d. That on top of everything else, it's not strange that you're tired.
How is it going without sugar? I didn't last, but I'm cheering for you
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: DecimalRocket on April 26, 2018, 07:25:27 AM
I can relate San with releasing my emotions like this. When I feel emotional pain at flashbacks, it's terrible. When I release the emotional pain, for some reason my head and muscles ache from the release of being tense all the time. Probably why I haven't been as active around this forum as lately.

Anyway San, take care of yourself, and I'm glad you have found strength in comedy. Hope you can laugh some of the pain away. They say laughter is the best medicine. Wonder how it'd attest to that? But if you can't, that's fine too. Grieving properly is a sign of emotional strength, the courage to face emotions we've suppressed for years, and feel them.

:hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 26, 2018, 01:53:36 PM
hope, sceal, and d.r., i have just enough strength/energy to thank you all.  your support, the support of this forum helps me continue on.

i'm still off the sugar, sceal, thanks for asking.  it's getting easier as i get more days under my belt, even tho i still get cravings.

gotta go.  too many emotions lately, lots of tears, i'm worn out today.  love to everyone.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on April 26, 2018, 03:15:19 PM
Wanted to send my love, and hugs dear  :hug: Remember as you rest and feel all of it that EMS is with you. She can hold onto some of those emotions to help the burden. You are doing so much right now, I commend you for that but remember to be kind to yourself.  :hug:

As far as the sex thing, I am glad you decided to not sleep with him for those reasons. I did recently decide to sleep with a man for the wrong reasons, it was okay but it definitely just felt off in the following days. Nothing bad but enough that I didn't feel good about the decision. So I am glad you are wiser than me in that.

However, I understand your want to enjoy sex in this lifetime still. That is such a part of human nature, and I am sorry you were denied that for so long.

I wish I had more words, but know that you are in my thoughts  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 27, 2018, 05:56:36 PM
thanks, el, for your kindness and understanding.  you're right about sex for the wrong reason rarely leaves us feeling good about it.  i was spared that night cuz he was drunk, and i don't do drunk anymore.

last nite i made a breakthrough in my crying therapy, but i'm tired right now, so will explain more later.  it was immense, however, and gave me the validation that i was on the right track with this.  all i can say right now is 'wow'.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Hope67 on April 27, 2018, 06:00:35 PM
Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 27, 2018, 05:56:36 PM
last nite i made a breakthrough in my crying therapy, but i'm tired right now, so will explain more later.  it was immense, however, and gave me the validation that i was on the right track with this.  all i can say right now is 'wow'.
This sounds exciting, SanMagic - really glad for you!   :hug: to you.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 28, 2018, 02:23:46 PM
thanks, hope, very much.

i wanted to write about that breakthru before i wind down and am too tired to respond .

the other nite, watching an episode of 'murphy brown', where she's pregnant and a friend is with her for the sonagram and gets all excited, i began crying.  as i've been doing, i let the tears come, let the sobs start, pushed myself to just let it out as it would.  i'd noticed a few nites before there had been flashes of images/thoughts that might be connected to those tears, but i didn't work very hard this time to attempt to capture them.  i just let them flash and leave while i cried.

this time, however, something happened which was very different than before.  suddenly, i saw myself being pregnant and felt, for the first time ever (and this happened over 35 yrs. ago) the hurt, how hurt i was that my hub was not excited, did not want to have anything to do with helping me by going to birthing classes or reading the books i'd brought him, never gave me a word of encouragement in the delivery room (he was behind me against the wall trying to stay as far away as possible), and i finally felt the hurt, was able to acknowledge how much that hurt, his indifference.

i was doubled over with sobbing out loud as i realized how badly i had been hurt.  it was the first time it came to my consciousness.  at the time it happened, i was completely involved in surviving his indifference, knowing that i had no partner as i'd wanted and expected, there was no team mentality, and i was on my own once again even tho he was right there.

it flashed thru my mind that if there had been physical abuse, i'd have been much better able to recognize and deal with that.  the indifference was much more hurtful to me.  and i continued sobbing, feeling the hurt for the first time, and it was incredibly overwhelming.  i nearly swooned, doubled over, my head nearly touching the floor.  it swept over me like a tidal wave.

then, my first pregnancy and first hub flashed thru my mind, and, again, how hurt i was by how he treated me as i continued thru the pregnancy, got to 7 1/2 months when he told me he didn't want to be married anymore.  more indifference to my plight, my vulnerability, how would i be able to make it, how could i stay living with a man who said those words and was having an affair with a woman who had been my friend - my worst fear was that my hub would be with another woman while i was having his baby, and it was coming true - and i was again on my own, and that really hurt.

this all came to the surface without me searching for it.  i'd never recognized, really, being hurt before, never really felt it.  it was new and different, not painful like i'd felt pain before.  this was much deeper, had more depth to it, more substance than pain.  there was nothing sharp about it.  it was black and oppressive, dull and went thru my gut, my vitals, my essence.  it was beyond physical.

so, i believe my crying therapy is the right way for me to go, and i will continue.  on one level i dread it, but it's getting to the deepest, darkest, most primal parts of my wounding which i never knew existed.  it's an eye opener at the same time it's grinding me down to places i didn't know about, ever.  i never realized how much those men had hurt me at such a visceral level, and certainly never felt it before.  that was all new.

ok, i'm exhausted. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on April 28, 2018, 02:32:27 PM
Thank you so much for writing out that insight. It helps me picture some of what my S must be going through with her partner leaving her part way through her pregnancy. I am so sorry for all the hurt these men caused you, no one deserves that. You are very strong to have kept going and worked so hard for both of your children. I cannot imagine doing that in the first place, let alone in such indifferent environments.

Your crying sounds very powerful, and I am glad you are finally able to get all of this junk out. That is so important.

I am sending you hugs and comfort  :hug: You can join me on the porch. I have a warm blanket of healing and peace, along with any form of tea or warm drink that might help heal your hurt. You can rest safely there to gather your energy. This is all huge, no wonder you are exhausted.

Love you always,
Elpha
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 29, 2018, 08:05:31 PM
the healing porch sounds just right, el.  thanks.  i'll join you there.

dang, if it isn't one thing it's another.  last nite i got so mad at how my ll was treating her son, talking to him (he also lives here, and we've become pretty good pals) that i said some things that i probably shouldn't have, and eventually left before i really tore into her. 

and talked to my d last nite, and her trauma around this move, everything that led up to it, all the emotions of what's happened to her, all came out.  she finally admitted she's been devastated, is just putting one foot in front of the other to keep going even tho it was not her choice.  my mother's heart broke for her.  she's been thru so much.

so, i've been quite messy since last nite, couldn't sleep, feel like crap today.  more emotional exhaustion.  my hub is struggling, too, and i wrote him that i wish there was more i could do for the 2 people i love most in the world besides offer support,  i want to fix it for them.  i can't stand seeing them in such pain and suffering.

he wrote back, generously and kindly, made me cry.  beautiful words for my heart.  i can't wait till this move is over - i know the uncertainty of it all is wreaking havoc with my d's anxiety, and i'm working hard to stay strong for her.  back to the healing porch for me.  i'm done for today.  i wish i could do more for everyone here as well, but i know i can only do what i can and have to set priorities.  sucks, tho.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on April 29, 2018, 08:23:14 PM
You are doing so much, dear friend. Take the much needed time to rest for yourself on the porch, you deserve it. We will all be with you through this process and never expect anything from you, I promise  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on April 30, 2018, 05:09:50 PM
thanks, dear el.  i'm on the porch for the rest of the day.  love and hugs to all.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Libby183 on April 30, 2018, 06:08:16 PM
Dear Sanmagic.

You are such a caring and helpful person and  I hope you are caring for yourself through everything that is going on in your life.

Hugs,  Libby
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 01, 2018, 12:51:02 AM
 :bighug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on May 01, 2018, 10:42:28 AM
 :hug: :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 01, 2018, 03:34:20 PM
thank you for the warm wishes, libby, and the hugs d.r. and sceal.  they all felt warming to me, in a very good way.

i just finished writing in another journal about accepting my past self with all the limitations i've recently learned about.  especially my stunted emotional being and a lot of social awkwardness. 

i've been wrestling with some new knowledge about myself for a few months, and i guess i finally have the strength to write about it.  i don't exactly know how to feel about it, but it did explain some stuff for me.  when i was researching about alexithymia, two things came up repeatedly - addictions and autism. 

i've certainly gone the addictions route - substances, food, relationships.  my curiosity about the autism part wouldn't leave me alone, and a few months ago i decided to peek into it a bit more closely.  i took an online diagnostic tool.  i came out with a score of 30.  the tool said that 31 and over showed autism.  i let that set with me a while.

a couple months later, i decided to do this again, using a different diagnostic.  on this one i scored 32.  the scoring for this one said that 32 and higher showed autism.  granted, the very lowest end of the scale, but still.  and i began looking backwards on my life.

i was social, but not always in the ways that other kids were.  i remember many, many times being on the playground playing jacks or hopscotch by myself.  i was usually comfortable having one friend at a time, but still often felt alone.  i felt closer to books, was often in the library by myself during summer vacations.  my sister was my best friend, but also my bully.  i didn't know how to deal with that except keep my mouth shut.

in junior high, i lost it.  my one friend moved away, i went to a brand new school where i knew no one, and didn't know how to make friends.  i'd never felt so lonely in my life, went to my parents, sobbing, but was turned away.  i was on my own, and experimented with developing a personality.  mine had been gray up till then.

by the time i was a senior in high school, i'd figured out a personality that seemed to work - very outgoing, smiling, laughing, giving out compliments, making others feel good.  i finally had friends, but i was still depressed and anxious and floated thru it all.  i had no way to relate on a concrete basis or an emotional level.

at any rate, my floatiness stayed with me for much of my life - just doing what needed to be done to keep from feeling so alone.  no emotions allowed me to put myself in what i can now see were dangerous situations.  i had some hardworking angels watching over me. 

when i got older, married, i wanted a baby, but once i had one i really didn't know what to do with it.  i didn't have what i've heard are 'normal' mom feelings, no joy in my babies (lots of post partum depression), never talked to them while they were in my bellies, just carried them around cuz they were there and coming with me. 

i read the books on parenting, but they never clicked with me.  my children were my responsibility and a chore.  i didn't talk out loud to them when they were babies, but thought i could link my mind thoughts with them.  i didn't want to be like my mom, so i looked for someone to emulate in taking care of my children.  i chose mary poppins.

honestly, i didn't know what i was doing, couldn't connect with anything real, so i chose a fictional character who was magical.  that's how far away from reality i was.  fictional books and movies were more real to me than life and self-help information.

so, i now have this new information, but it helps me understand a lot about why i don't get 'hints' when people want something but don't ask for it, why i can't always express myself the way i want, or why i'm not able to tolerate most people, or relate to them in common ways.

i'm intelligent and high functioning, if i am indeed on the autism spectrum, but there are true signs that i'm very much on the border, if not actually autistic to some degree.  i've been sharing this with my d in hopes that she'll better understand my social screw-ups, and i think she does.  it's been unsettling to have this realization, but i can't go any farther than 'unsettling'.  i don't know how to feel about it, except to realize that i may have been much more handicapped than i thought i was.

when i first saw 'autism' connected to alexithymia, i immediately dismissed it for myself.  now i think it may be a real thing, albeit on a very small scale.  still.  just wanted to get this out of me.  i don't really want to deal with it, keep pushing it back, but it comes forward anyway, so i thought that writing about it may help my mind.  and i've just been overcome with overwhelming sadness.  this may have been a contributing factor to my feeling of struggling and battling and feeling so confused about so much most of my life. 

i just plowed ahead anyway.  breathe.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on May 01, 2018, 04:30:44 PM
This is a big thing to discover! Huge!
I am not quite sure what to say, other than discovering more about who you are might be quite helpful on the recovery road.
:bighug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 01, 2018, 04:34:27 PM
thanks, sceal.  that hug was just right.

your use of the word huge hit me.  maybe i'm not giving it the weight it deserves.  i don't know right now.

time for the porch.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 03, 2018, 07:58:10 AM
That's interesting, San. Sometimes hearing how you related to my social awkwardness made me wonder if you were autistic too, but I brushed it off as too crazy. I had this weird instinct you'd question it someday, and surprisingly, you did.  :blink: Woah. I guess you had this unique ability to relate to my social issues more than anyone else in the forum.

Autism in women tends to look different than autism in men. They make more of an effort to adapt to other people more somewhat or for a better word, hide their differences. But those differences are there, I'm sure. How they adapt tends to focus more on memorizing what actions to do socially than really knowing the reasons behind them, so when an event that looks almost the same happens, they can stumble.

Aspies can even look outgoing, jolly and wild but there tends to be this strange lack they have in their social life they can't explain. That what they're doing takes more effort and energy than others.

They also tend to have less stereotypical "autistic" interests like computers or math. Aspies do actually are known to be more likely to take part of them. . . including women, but it could often be any interest as long as it's explored in a deep depth that requires a strong amount of routine. *, OOTS can be that kind of interest even.

My case seemed more traditional aspie wise -- interest in STEM, and less of an effort to socialize that I spent more time alone, straightforward-- even blunt, logical minded etc.. It was easier to see. If you have it though? It can be different.

Feel free to ask me any questions, whether pm or on here.

:bighug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Libby183 on May 03, 2018, 08:52:28 AM
Hi San Magic,  I absolutely relate to everything you said about feeling that you could be on the autistic spectrum.  I have done some on line tests for asd.  On one, I came out with a higher score than my aspergers son. Your feelings as a child,  and as a new mother sounded so familiar to me. And decimal rocket's point about intense study of cptsd and everything around it, is absolutely spot on.

I see so many similarities between myself and my truly autistic son. Especially when I think of myself as a child, so disconnected from life.  I wonder if it is all part of a big, interconnected picture. Genes,  switched on by environment,  passing trauma through the generations. My daughter has no autistic traits, but after a nasty bout of glandular fever, developed something like chronic fatigue,  with terrible IBS and endometriosis type problems. She is a neuroscientist and says there is a good basis for this theory.

Apologies if I am not very coherent here - the drug withdrawal brain effects are making themselves felt. But I will be really interested to hear more of your thoughts about this whole area. 

Take care and keep strong.

Hugs, Libby.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 03, 2018, 11:01:26 AM
d.r. and libby, i so much appreciate your feedback and sharing.  thank you very much, and big hugs to both of you.  this is a big 'wow' moment for me.

research - that's what i've always been interested in.  research and filling out paperwork, 2 things that i've heard most everyone say they hate.  yet, i've always loved them both, was good at them both.  they never bored me for a minute.  my very first career that i thought about was being a brain researcher.  then teacher.  therapist became a coming together of both worlds for me, and yes, i researched all different ways to do therapy besides what i was taught in my classes.

so, no, math and computers were/are never my forte.  and, yes, having to guess at how to do things that seemingly come naturally to others, like make small talk (i'm terrible at it, always have been) has loomed large in my life. 

this is so big to wrap my head around.  d.r., thank you for all the info and the invite to ask you more as questions may come to the surface.  libby, that's pretty amazing what you've found out compared to your son.  i just saw an article stating that autism is on the rise.  hard to say why, but you may have some insights there, libby.

thank you both.  i feel like crying just to be accepted.  when i first wrote this, i thought, geez, not another thing.  am i just looking for attention?  i keep strong with the likes of you.  love and hugs.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 03, 2018, 11:24:33 AM
Happy to help, San.  :hug:

If you are on the spectrum, the ability to deeply focus on an interest can actually have contributed to your ability to support so many people with the disorder, and as a therapist. The interests aspies attach themselves are called special interests, and while not every aspie has a useful interest, some actually do end up being obsessed with one or a few in a good way.

But even if you aren't one, well, I still recognize how much you've done for the world and us. After all, you're still the same person whether you are one or not. If you are one though, all it would is to shed more light into your life, and won't undo what you've done and not done.

See you, San.   :heythere:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 03, 2018, 06:50:36 PM
what a sweetheart you are, d.r., to say those things.  tears in my eyes right now for that kindness.  just cried out a bunch of lifelong confusion.  especially about being a therapist, being asked why i did such and such and having no concrete answer.  i could just sense what was needed at the time, but couldn't explain to my supervisor why or how. 

it happens a lot to me, that 'just knowing' thing.  not always, not with everyone or everything, but sometimes . . . and when questioned, i can't readily come up with an explanation at the time.  maybe a few days later when my brain has taken time to process what i said and why i said it. 

reading your post over about 'memorizing' social interactions sounds right, too, altho i don't know that i did it consciously.  more that i noticed it and tucked it away somewhere in my subconscious until needed in a similar situation.  wow, just wow.  and thank you for mentioning that it takes nothing away from me.  that was gratifying to hear, and i will keep it next to my heart.  love you, sweetie.  yeah, i have felt an affinity toward you that i couldn't explain, in spite of our age difference.  guess this is why.   :bighug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 04, 2018, 12:49:42 AM
i'm on the verge, have made a major decision, it's to take place tomorrow morning.  we'll see how it goes.  i wonder if i'll be able to sleep at all tonite.  physical intimacy, which hasn't happened for 10 yrs.  i'm longing for it, but scared to death at the same time.  i feel like a virgin all over again.

my hub has told me several times that if i can find a man who will take care of me, he'd be the happiest man in the world.  well, this may be part of that.  i've asked him to forgive me in my mind, but i keep moving forward with this, so i do believe it's the right thing to do.  kindness, caring, listens to me, recalls what i've said, complimentary, respectful - i don't know what to do with all that.

so, we'll see.  i'm not looking for someone to take care of me, per se, just someone lovely as a friend with benefits.  feels weird using that phrase.  we've both talked about it, he knows i'm moving on in less than 2 mos., so it may be just a temporary thing.  the thing is, right now it's feeling very validating of my being a woman.  3 hubs who have really put that to the test for me in the background.  this may help to put that to rest.

doubt that i'll get any sleep tonite, and have doc and breakfast with my d tomorrow morning.  she doesn't know, i doubt that i'll tell her.  maybe after it's over.  i don't know.  i think it's the right thing to do, it's what i've been wanting for a long time.  we'll see, indeed.  he's been lonely for a long time, too.  2 flawed and lonely people with all our own baggage.  but kindness and caring between them. 

we'll see.  just had to write this down, like a confession.  yes, that's what it feels like.  i'm confessing to some hidden situation that not everyone would approve of.  well, i've done stuff that hasn't been approved by others before.  what's one more at this stage of the game?  one really good thing is that we can talk, and he's quite accepting of me.  that may have been my turning point.   ack!
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on May 04, 2018, 01:03:18 AM
San, I am glad you have made a leap here. You deserve that sort of validation as a woman. I can understand the friends with benefit arrangement, it is something that I have previously really enjoyed and hope that goes well for you. Way to go on trying to take care of your needs
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Hope67 on May 04, 2018, 05:50:12 AM
Hi SanMagic,
I agree with Elpha - really pleased to hear you're looking after your needs, and you've found a man who you want to experience some positivity with - I am feeling excited for you on your behalf!  I hope you got some sleep though!
:hug: to you SanMagic, and wishing you happiness in this.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 04, 2018, 07:16:51 AM
That's great that you're taking care of your needs, San.  :hug: As someone who's stuck with a hormonal factory of a body known as puberty, and also a conservative culture that believes in being a prude . . . I can uhh. . . relate.

Well, hope you enjoy your time, San.  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 04, 2018, 11:15:20 PM
it was so wonderful to hear from you all about this in such a positive way.  thanks to you el, hope, and d.r. 

it turned out to be a great decision!!!!  so glad i did it, and will continue.  weird to talk to my hub this afternoon, tho.  i know i don't want to be with him anymore, however, and there's no way he'd ever be able to come up here.  i've told my d i'm done with him, with that phase of my life.  i'll just continue to support him, cuz he's not a bad guy, but i guess it's time to move on.

i'm really glad i did.  it was waaaay better than xanax!!!   lol!!!
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on May 05, 2018, 12:04:33 AM
So glad this went well for you, San  :cheer: I am really excited for you!!!
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 05, 2018, 04:19:49 AM
Hahaha. I guess that's one of the reasons why I like you San. Growing up, I always associated kindness with obedience and discipline with strong feelings of guilt, but your kindness has a certain freedom to it that I like. Makes me want to share a little bit more from my own thrillseeking side that I keep aching to bring out, no matter how cautious I can be at the same time.

Well, :hug: to you, San.

Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on May 05, 2018, 07:58:25 AM
 :hug: I'm so glad that your desicion proved to be such a wonderful one!
You sound happy and more free than in a long time.  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 05, 2018, 10:07:35 PM
thank you el, d.r. and sceal.  i'm excited for all this, even if it's only for these remaining 2 months that i'm here.  i haven't had pos. excitement like this in a long time.

and last nite, a strange but wonderful thing happened.  just sitting, watching tv, feeling almost giddy, smiling at nothing, wondering what the frick was going on.  suddenly, it broke thru like a lightning bolt, and i broke into sobs while thinking 'this is how it was always supposed to have been!'  i was beside myself with this realization.

for the first time in my life, last night, i felt happy, felt what 'happy' actually feels like.  i can remember many times in my life questioning myself as to why i didn't feel happy.  they were times when i had someone who loved me, was married, had an actual house and family, a home, a great job - all those things that people wish for and want, yet i didn't feel happy and i didn't know why.

well, since, i know about the alexithymia, and that's a big part of not being able to feel that emotion.  still, last nite came about because this man has caused it to be able to emerge.  his kindness, consideration, all the components of caring for and about me converged in a powerfully short time and it was able to explode through my brain.

i've never been treated like this.  he walks around with a smile because he's so happy it's happening, too.  that's a really new part of it for me - he shows how glad he is that i'm here, that we're in each other's lives.  i don't ever remember that phenomenon before in any of the relationships i've been in.  not that visible, tangible sense of happiness he shows me.

i realize this is a honeymoon phase, so to speak.  but, dang, it's still waaaay ahead of any others i may have been in, including actual honeymoons.  this is how it's supposed to feel, how it's supposed to be.  i was nearly dancing thru my tears last nite.

and i thought of so many people here and elsewhere who are struggling to find exactly this, who have suffered so much thru relationships, who feel so alone.  i don't feel like we have a coupleship or anything - we haven't discussed anything close to that - but just the fact that this has come to 2 people at this stage of their lives (just 3 days before he was saying how he'd really given up on finding someone in his life, and that he was ok with that), wounded, beaten down, baggage laden, been thru * and back, much older than the oddsmakers say is possible to find someone, and so very flawed, both of us, yet, here we are.  it's magic. 

i hope anyone who is reading this can take some hope from this.  he and i are not young and beautiful by any means, but our inner selves found each other in spite of that.  he calls me sweetie, i call him dear, and we both smile at it.  our eyes are smiling now.  it feels so good i can barely stand it.  i'm so amped up i don't even know if that's a good thing for me.  i want to be able to settle and feel comfortable, but that's not happening.  still, i thank god that i've been allowed to live long enough to have this happen, to be able to finally 'feel' happy.  a miracle indeed.  wowser!

by the by, d.r., i'm very sorry that kindness had come to mean obedience, and i'm so very glad you're being able to see another side of it.    i hope you can continue to let that wild child side of you out. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on May 05, 2018, 10:20:40 PM
  :cheer: oh san! This is the most beautiful, honest and heartfelt thing I have read in a long time. I am so very happy and glad that you have happiness in your life! That you and this man has found each other now, and can bring such smiles to each other!
It's really, truly beautiful!
My soul is dancing for you and the Mr.  :hug:

You deserve every ounce and second of happiness, care, smiles and enjoyment!

So happy for you!
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on May 06, 2018, 02:20:51 AM
That make me smile, and just glow with excitement  ;D :cheer: I am so excited for you!! It does bring so much hope to my heart as well. I just love to see the joy and really feel it coming off of you. San you deserve is and I am beyond glad you finally have a piece of it.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 06, 2018, 10:33:38 AM
I'm so glad for you, San. This is great!  This kind of stuff I didn't expect at all. You're so stressed all the time. I'm so glad you finally found some happiness in your life.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Libby183 on May 07, 2018, 08:38:03 AM
It's so lovely of you to let us share your joy and happiness.  You are a great example of living in and for the moment.

Hugs, Libby.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 07, 2018, 03:29:02 PM
it's so amazing to me, in one sense, to hear all this shared happiness with me.  i had a best friend who, if i'd told her this, she would have found some remark to put it down.  she literally hated to see other people happy, including me.  i've eliminated her from my life - the ugliness was unbearable.

so, sceal, el, d.r., and libby, thank you so much for this sharing, for being so glad for me.  it truly warms my heart to have people like you in my life.  no, d.r., i didn't expect it, either, not for a minute.  this has been one of the happiest surprises of my life, to feel happy.

i still find myself questioning, wondering, worrying if this is real - like when he's out of my sight.  i don't like that part of it.   i think it may be a result of too much of my woman self and confidence having been chipped away over the years.  kind of skittish now.  don't know exactly how to pick up all those pieces and put them together properly at the moment. 

gonna trust the magic on this one, tho.  i have faith in that.  have to.  it's the only thing that will settle me down.
thank you all again.  you're so beautiful, you don't even know how you've touched me.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on May 07, 2018, 05:01:48 PM
I think, that if you're able to, just let the magic happen. Try to put those thoughts of worries aside. Right now you are happy, try to embrace it.
You seem like you've lost a few kg of weight off your shoulders, and it's wonderful to watch. Dance, laugh, be free and love. Enjoy it all. :) You deserve to be a happy woman.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Hope67 on May 09, 2018, 08:21:51 AM
Hi SanMagic,
I am so happy to see that you're enjoying your relationship - and that it's bringing you much deserved happiness.  That's so special, and I am very happy for you.   :hug:  I know you're feeling like it's not real when you're apart - I wonder if you could have a little transitional object to hold - maybe a little heart or a love note to look at, when you're not together, just to remind you that it's definitely real.  I did that when my partner was away for the weekend, i.e. looked at cards he'd sent me, and notes, and a cuddly toy that is meaningful to us - just to keep him in 'mind'.  Even though I've been with him for quite a few years now, I still find the reality of him when he's away is hard to bear - and I like to remind myself of his presence.

SanMagic, I hope you will enjoy this, and I agree with Sceal, that "You deserve to be a happy woman."

Hope  :)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 09, 2018, 06:41:58 PM
sceal, dance, laugh, and be free.  that's exactly how i want to feel.  thanks for putting it into words.  and the love part - don't know about that yet,  but the other 3, for sure.  thanks for the warmth in your wishes for me and the reminder about the magic.  even tho i've often said the words 'trust the magic', sometimes i still forget them for myself.

hope, that's a really good idea, thanks for that.  he's also been very reassuring that he wants to continue this, even tho i'll be leaving in 6 weeks.  have no idea what's gonna happen after that.   i think part of it has just been the newness of these emotions in both of us.  he doesn't really trust it, either - has had a string of bad relationships, and is also having a hard time believing this. 

in one way, it's been very stressful for both of us.  it's like this kind of 'relationship' (don't even know if it's that yet) is brand new all the way around.  but, dang, being able to talk about anything, honestly, is wonderfully refreshing.  yesterday we talked about the stress of it, he said that he figures it's temporary, that the longer we keep going, the more comfy it'll get.  i said, 'so, we're in this together?' and he immediately said yes.

part of the stress for him is that he's quit drinking in order to be with me.  i think he was drinking a lot, but i don't really know.  he works 12-hr. overnight shifts, 3 on, 3 off, 4 on, 4 off, so his sleep/wake patterns are strange.  plus, he has genetic gout, and while alc. exacerbates it, stopping drinking has brought more of them on.  so, besides the cravings he's fighting, he's also suffering physically.

that's pretty overwhelming for me, too.  that a man would do anything like that because he'd rather endure the pain than be without me - wowser bowser.  i told him how much i appreciate that, and how because of how he treats me that i now can feel the happy.  he just said that he guessed that was the reason he came back to live here.  so i could get that, finally, in my life.

so, exciting, anticipation - all fun, good, positive, but also very stressful.  i've been snoozing every chance i get, which is why i haven't been posting on the forum lately.  i just don't have the energy right now.  plus, all the stuff around the move - i'll be beginning to pack next week.  it's making this move more real.

i just wanted to check in.  i love you all, wallow in your support, and wish the best for every single one of you.  hopefully, when my nerves die down a bit, i'll be able to be more present here.

o, and my anxiety reared up the other day.  i was vibrating within my entire body, was holding out my hand to see if it was shaking, which it was.  he knew that i wasn't in a good place (i frizzed out cuz we'd been driving, and he tends to yell at other drivers, and that neg. energy goes thru me in a bad way), said something about why was i focusing on my hand shaking rather than moving on from it.

yeah - trigger.  but i said that i don't always know if i'm making this stuff up, if it's as bad as i think it is, if i'm exaggerating, so i held up my hand to verify for myself that it's real, i'm really going thru something.  it was almost like i could hear the click in his head, he got it, just put an arm around me and sat with me, and it went away, i was laughing again, and it was all good.

something like that might've sent me for a xanax otherwise, cuz it usually lasts longer than that.  when there's been neg. energy in the house between my ll and one of the other roomies, it sent me to my room and it was like those vibes lingered, i couldn't get out from under them, and did go for the xanax.

this time, it didn't last as long, no meds needed.  the power of human caring is much stronger than any med.  my brain is whirling with all this, but it's good to know his is, too.  no one is 'in control', totally confident, but both of us are willing to put it out there and let each other know we're doing it together.

yep, this is how it's supposed to be.  deep breath.   i am enjoying it as best i can.  it's just frickin' unbelievable!!!

Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 10, 2018, 08:42:47 AM
It's fine that you can rest on your own and not reach out to us as much. Little me still has some abandonment issues and will probably complain, but there'll be others around to give attention to that part of me. I bet others are accepting of it too.

I can relate to shaking when anxious sometimes. It's a form of release for anxiety similar to crying for sadness to me. I guess after all we go through, it's surprising to actually have something good happen in our lives, and I'm glad you have that.

I find it wonderful that you accept each other even with both of your flaws. That's actually pretty touching.  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on May 10, 2018, 12:39:43 PM
San, I am glad to hear things with him are going so well. That human acceptance and affection really makes such a difference in life.  :hug: It is also good to hear you are resting and using your energy to focus on the move that has to happen as well. I just started packing yesterday, I have a week vacation in the middle of this process so have to start early.

Sending you lots of love and energy  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 11, 2018, 03:02:01 PM
thanks to both of you, d.r. and el.  your well wishes in this are truly appreciated.

i started my packing, and more emotions than i expected came up.  it's going to be much harder to leave this place than i expected.  so many things have changed, beginning with the relationship with my d.  she was not planning to be making a new life with her mother.  i was not in her plans for that.  it's disrupted her sense of well- being.  so, i'm her second choice, but i'm here to help her make her dream come true.  that's my focus and mission.

meanwhile, things in the house have suddenly become so much warmer, we've all become so much closer, more like friends now, plus this new relationship on top of that - it's going to be much harder to leave than i ever anticipated.  i didn't expect this at all.  lots more laughing, fun, so much less tension.  it's a completely different environment than when i moved in.

so, i didn't expect the emotions, nor the level of difficulty that i'll face in saying good-bye.  as i was piling filled crates in my room yesterday, i was nearly overcome with a swirl of emotion, most of which i couldn't even sort thru.  they're there, that's all i know.  i didn't think they would be.  most of the time i've been burning to get out of here.

and, so it is.  things change - that's our only constant.   happily, it's warmer and less stressful, and in the end, that's what i was hoping for.  it's easier, by far, to live here now, even tho i'm on the verge of leaving.  whew. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on May 11, 2018, 03:32:14 PM
You've had a lot of positive changes lately and it's heartening to read.  :hug:
Goodbyes can be really painful, but it sounds like you'll be leaving on good terms rather than difficult and negative ones - and that gives breathing room for an easier new start.

Perhaps your d will come to realize that living with her mom might be a resource and it'll be helpful for her to reach her dream. It might be a change she wasn't forseeing, but from what you've talked about the last months, I think it'll be a positive change in her environment.

:hug: Thinking of you
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Blueberry on May 11, 2018, 07:55:03 PM
san, I'm happy to hear there are so many good things going on in your life, so many developments: better atmosphere in the house, and especially beginnings of a relationship with this new man in your life. Go you!!  :cheer:  :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Hope67 on May 14, 2018, 08:13:08 PM
Hi SanMagic,

Wishing you the best with your packing and the process of your 'Goodbyes' - I find such transitions difficult personally, but would like to wish you well with them.   :hug:

Hope  :)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 15, 2018, 09:12:22 PM
thank you sceal, blueberry, and hope.

sceal, i do think she's turned some of her thinking around about having to live with her mother now, viewing me as more of a resource, and as a financial foundation on which she can do what she loves (which doesn't include a steady income) with more confidence.  i'm really glad it's become more of a positive for her.

blueberry, thanks for the cheer and the smile it brought to my heart.  love it.

hope, these transitions are difficult, to say the least.  you're spot on with that.  it's why we're hoping to be able to find a place where we can park ourselves for a while.  that would be so wonderful.  thanks for your well wishes. 

as an update, going along with what hope mentioned, getting into a new relationship? is wearing at best.  it's been over a week, things keep getting better, actually, but today was the first day i was able to tell myself this isn't a fleeting thing, not something i have to worry about (whether it'll still be here tomorrow, how am i supposed to act, what are the parameters, how do i fit into his routine, etc.  - since he's the one with a real job, his routine is determined by when he has to work, and it's an irregular schedule at best.

so, these first 10 days have been so stressful, waaaay more than i anticipated.  sleep has been erratic at best, and usually not enough of it.  the idea of sneaking around so the ll doesn't find out - i swear, at 70, i feel like i've got to deal with the likes of a dorm mother!!!  that's taken a toll on the nervous system as well.  yow!

hopefully, as the relationship feels more solid to me (i don't really know what to call it.  we haven't named it, like we're a couple or anything, just kind of swimming thru it, nothing concrete), i'll be able to settle myself a bit more.   i'm quite tired right now, and stressed out, but a little better than a few days past. 

so, it's an adventure, but i do believe a pos. one.  i don't know if there's a future for this, and it's actually 6 wks. from today before i leave.  even if not, tho (altho he's made quite a few noises that he wants this to continue even after i'm not here) at least i got my wish to get laid one more time before i die.  that was bigger than i thought, and i'm glad it's been realized. 

so, all in all, the stress has been worth it, even if it's not really doing me any good on one level.  the other stuff is making up for it, tho.  we do laugh a lot together, and that's always been a saving grace for me.  in fact, it's a big reason i used to go to bars and drink so much - people there were laughing out loud, and it was like a vacation from the madness.

he told me the other day that painful memories have begun coming up for him (basically, since he's quit drinking), and he was able to talk about some of them.  i know there's a lot more gunk in there, and he may really need to see a professional to help with some of them, but it felt good that he was able to remember and talk to me about them.    i just mentioned that alc. is a great pain-killer and sedative, and i wasn't surprised.   we'll see what he does with any more of them.  wait till he gets to his mother.  woof!

all in all, it's been exhausting, stressful (yep, hope, it's a transition for sure), but also strengthening, fun, caring, and helping a whole lot to put back together those woman pieces that had gotten ripped to shreds.  in the balance, which i always check in on for relationships, it's coming out much more to the good.  i'm glad of that.

thank you all for your support and encouragement with all this.  i so appreciate it. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on May 16, 2018, 01:55:01 PM
I'm so happy for your progress.  You deserve it  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 18, 2018, 02:26:06 AM
deep blue, that's very sweet of you to say.  thank you very much.

he had a few days off, we hung out, did some shopping, laughed a lot, he voiced his uneasiness with this cuz he hasn't had a woman in his life for years, and many of the ones before that were truly not healthy types.  i don't think he knows what to make of someone like me.  he may be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

at any rate, i can still call up that happy feeling, and that thrills me no end.  it feels so good.  the one other time i felt it, it was for a moment only.  being able to actually feel what happy feels like is positively amazing to me.  i love it.

we're still getting to know each other, but somehow have not found any deal breakers yet.  the honesty has been refreshing above all.  from both sides.  i, too, feel like i can just say whatever.  sometimes there's some judgment, mainly thru not understanding, but we've been able to talk it thru.  sometimes we just agree to disagree, sometimes we can see each other's point, sometimes one of us changes their mind.  sometimes it's not important enough to fuss about.

yesterday we talked about the fact that technically i'm still married.  he didn't realize that.  i'm not going back to my hub, i know the marriage is over.  it is what it is.  some people may have a problem with it, but he and i are ok with it.  my hub has told me several times that it would make him happy if i found someone who could take care of me.  i believe he knows he failed me in that area.  the trust is broken, and without trust, i think it's hard to maintain a relationship of any depth.

i also told him that i talk to my hub every week because i know he was distraught when i left, decimated cuz i'd bought most everything we owned and i took it all with me.  his best friend died about 2 yrs. ago, and i'm the only one left that he can rely on to get him thru some of the really tough times.

when i spoke about this to mr. man, he said that he'd just dump him, not waste any more time on him, cuz no one had been there for him when he fell on hard times.  i told him that none of those people were me.  he said 'fair point'.   he hasn't had a lot of support in his life, so i think this is a pretty new area for him.  weird but wonderful sort of thing to know there really are people who might hang around thru the tough times.  new information.

it's been kind of fun to me to introduce something to him he hasn't had much experience with.  he knows a lot about a lot of different things, and is pretty self-satisfied about that, but not a lot of pos. about humans and relationships.  it makes him think in a different direction, takes him out of his comfort zone.  it's interesting to watch.

so, we're both learning from each other, and i don't think that's a bad thing.  still don't know where this is heading, and one part of me wants reassurances, wants to push it, but another part of me is wary, cautious, too fast too soon kind of stuff.  geez, it's not even been 2 weeks that we made this new step.  plus, he says he's unreliable, and i'm not all sure what that means exactly.   gotta give myself time to find out.  whoa, san, take your time.  don't have to rush into anything.  ack!

meanwhile, my d and i are going to rent a car next week to go looking for possible places to live.  another adventure.   i pray this works out for her.  i really do - it's my commitment to help her, and that comes first and foremost.  whatever happens otherwise has to merge itself around this.  i will not choose otherwise.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: DecimalRocket on May 18, 2018, 06:02:41 AM
Hi San, happy you're making progress on life. I've never seen you so satisfied with life as you are now. Hoping you and him can learn more from each other. Like in science, opposites can attract and increase magnetism to each other. Not always considering differences can clash, but we grow a lot from those kinds of relationships.

Hope you have a great adventure with your D there too. I'm honestly not very familiar with financial and security problems such as that, but I assume it takes work for a lot of people.

:hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 19, 2018, 02:04:52 AM
thanks for your happiness for me, d.r.  truly appreciated.  and, yeah, finances can be a pain.  ugh!

so, i sat wondering today if he's thinking about running.  everything's been hunky dory, and since he's had some awfully rotten relationships, it seemed to me to be about the time that he'd be getting uncomfy with how good this has been feeling.  it's happened to me in the past - found exactly what i thought i wanted in a relationship, and it scared the bejeesus out of me.

funnily enough, this aft. we had a few minutes together, and he was snarking at most every sentence that came out of my mouth.   it's gotten me thinking that, yep, i may be right, he may suddenly be scared of getting hurt, especially since i'll be moving quite soon.  it all started out light and fluffy, some hurdles were overcome, things were great and there was lots of laughter lately, and then this afternoon hit. 

looks like we'll have to talk.  we'll see if i get any kind of straightforward answer out of him - he may be too wounded, doesn't trust this, doesn't trust me, can't get around it, is too scared to be honest, and will attempt to joke his way out.  sigh.  a flame that burned hot and possibly burned itself quickly out.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on May 19, 2018, 12:17:02 PM
 :bighug:
No answers... just
:hug: :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on May 19, 2018, 07:27:03 PM
I'm sorry he got snarky. Hopefully he was just having one of those days. But talking to him about this issue might be a good choice.
I hope you figure out what's going on, and that you can work through it.
:hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on May 20, 2018, 03:31:39 AM
Sending hugs  :hug: :hug: I hope chatting with him goes well and helps calm the situation
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 21, 2018, 06:59:25 PM
sceal, deep blue, and el, those hugs are much appreciated.  especially today.  i just need to vent a bit, then i think i'll go for a walk.  i need to walk this feeling off.

the talk went, well, i learned a bit more.  when i questioned his snarkiness, after some 'that's just the way i am' stuff, he finally said that there'd been a bunch of b.s. at work.  i told him, fine, but don't take it out on me.  he came back with the age old 'you're too sensitive for your own good' , and i said, 'i'm just as sensitive as i need to be.'  that ended that discussion.

we had another discussion yesterday, and i believe this is going nowhere.  i stuck my toe in the water, so to speak, see what would happen, and i got back a lot of drivel about him being emotionless, not wanting serious conversations, and just wanting to laugh.  hmmm . . .   

i do believe he is very self-protected against being hurt again, and doesn't want to take any chances at all.  at one point he said 'i'm giving you every opportunity to back out of this'.  does that sound like game-playing to anyone?  it kind of does to me, almost like a shove in that direction.

so, now it looks like this is going nowhere, which i guess is ok.  i didn't really know what to expect.  seems like i just need to enjoy the moment, and move on when it's time.

the other thing that happened was more upsetting to me.  i and my 2 housemates were having such fun, being silly, laughing out loud, acting a bit nutty - total enjoyment.  my ll is leaving tomorrow for a week, and we were laughing about how the last time she left for 3 days, none of us made our beds (that's a biggie in this house - it's really like she's a dorm mother, and i'm frickin' living under those conditions at 70!  i lived in a dorm for 2 years, back when we even had curfews and separate dorms for the boys and girls, and i didn't feel this restricted!!!)

ll came in the room, and it was as if she let the air out of a balloon.  she completely shut us down by complaining, speaking about how many crumbs were going to be left on everyone's floors in their rooms, telling us that if we get ants that person will have to pay for an exterminator.  and on and on and on.

we made fun of her (like we do to each other), laughed, encouraged her to participate, included her, all to no avail.  she told us that she rarely laughed, and couldn't understand us cuz her clients thought she was hilarious.  i sat and watched this dynamic, and felt stunned.  i couldn't believe it was going on.

first one, then the other of us left cuz it was such a bummer, and i sat there for a few minutes hardly believing what had just happened.  this morning, she had left, and one of my roomies (who's lived in this house for 5 yrs. so knows about this phenomenon) was in the kitchen, so i went out and started talking to her about it.

she just said, yep, basically, this is how it goes.  ll comes in, starts gritching, and everyone else leaves cuz they know the party's over.  then, ll walked into the room, silent as always, right in the middle of talking about her.  my insides spun out of control, and as of this moment i don't exactly know how to deal with it.  my insides are spinning. 

it put the capper on the whole moving bit - i can't wait to get out of this place.  this is crazy-making.  having to be scared where i live - somehow i kind of thought that was over with, but now it's back with flying colors.  don't feel safe at all.  so, i'm going to take a walk.  5 weeks to go.  it won't come soon enough.  blecccch!  i want to puke.

i may be too sensitive, as he mentioned, but dang, the other 2 just take this in their stride, talk about it's the price needed to be paid for living here.  financially, it is a very sweet deal (even tho rent got raised 6 mos. in cuz she wasn't making enough money for upkeep), but emotionally, no.  i don't frickin' need this.  having to look over my shoulder all the time?  nope.

done and done with all the gameplaying.  i'm too fundamentally straightforward about things, and this is just a bunch of subterfuge, sneaking around, waiting for her to be gone, on edge as to when she might pop into the room.  holy crapola!  and, nope, can't go for a walk cuz i got the runs from this stress right now.  so, i'll sit here, play some games, watch some tv today, and count down the days.   ugh.  just had to let it out.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on May 21, 2018, 07:23:44 PM
My dear, that is a lot to deal with. I hope that you are on the walk you mentioned, they really can help to clear the mind :hug:  Sending lots of love and healing your way. I can't wait until you are out of that space and somewhere more healthy for you emotionally  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Blueberry on May 21, 2018, 08:05:31 PM
Quote from: sanmagic7 on May 21, 2018, 06:59:25 PM
he came back with the age old 'you're too sensitive for your own good' , and i said, 'i'm just as sensitive as i need to be.'  that ended that discussion.
Good come back, san!  ;)


Quote from: sanmagic7 on May 21, 2018, 06:59:25 PM
  seems like i just need to enjoy the moment, and move on when it's time.
It seems that way. But hey, you tried  in general with this guy and then now with a talk. While it lasted, before you needed to express your feelings about his behaviour you were enjoying the beginnings of a relationship again. I'm sorry it doesn't look as if it'll be a more permanent thing.

"When people show you who they are, believe them" Idk who came up with that saying, seems appropriate here.

As for your ll - I'm even a few decades younger than you and I could so not need any of that atm. It would be totally triggering for me. I hope your walk does you good. The other two are maybe not traumatised? So easier to take in stride?

:hug: :hug: to you!
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on May 21, 2018, 08:11:41 PM
Oh San,
I'm so sorry.  So glad you are getting out of that place. 
I don't think you are too sensitive.  I hate when people say that.  People say that to me and I have literally cried once in 3 years! My emotions are shutdown most of the time, and people still say it. 
Good for you to stick up for yourself  :cheer: don't let the IC tell you otherwise
:hug:  :hug: to you
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on May 21, 2018, 08:13:50 PM
 :bighug:

I hope you'll be able to get some air later today. It's alot to deal with. So glad you're getting out of there soon!
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 22, 2018, 03:23:44 AM
the walk didn't happen today, but i'm thinking tomorrow morning might work.  i just want to isolate in my room right now.  thanks, el, for all your well wishes.

blueberry, i believe that quote is absolutely right on.  i haven't believed people in the past, men especially, always thinking that they're just putting themselves down for the moment, and that it wasn't their true nature they were talking about.  thank you also for the support about at least giving this a shot.  it really has done me good in many ways, and i'm grateful for that, but, yeah, looks like it will go no farther.

at least i got my wish about 'getting some' before i died.  smiling now.  he did give me that, and it pulled a lot of my shattered woman pieces back together for me, made me feel desirable again, and i'm really glad of that.  has re-vitalized my spirit, and i'm ready to take this move on with a lot more vigor, a lot less trepidation.  so that's a good thing, too.

sceal, loved that hug - felt you just pulled me in and embraced me and was so very welcome to feel that. 

deep blue, thanks so much for that support.  i hate that sensitivity thing, have heard it all my life, starting with my dad when i was quite young.  i know in my heart i'd rather be sensitive than not.  and i hear ya about not being emotional for the most part.  but, things like negativity really get under my skin and cause me all sorts of inner turmoil.

i told my d about this, told her i'm now counting the days, and she felt bad, too, that that happened.  i said i know she and i won't have that kind of drama, and she agreed completely.  she doesn't do well with neg. either.  everyone's been asking me to stay here, and to have her move in as well (one of the other people moved out last month).  when i told her, my d voiced an adamant 'no way!'  she said she couldn't stand the intrusiveness, either.

happily, the ll will be gone for a week, and that should give me a breather.  my d and i are also traveling to look at rentals this weekend, so it'll be nice to get outta dodge for a couple days, too.  and today ll, who is now hurting for money, asked me for the extra money for next month. 

i don't know about this.  i signed the contract at the beginning for first and last month's rent at a certain amt.  7 mos. into it, she raised the rent a goodly amount.  there was nothing signed that i remember that said this would have any bearing on the original amt. of the orig. contract.  i

i told her i didn't know, still had a bunch of doc bills to pay.  i guess, if it comes down to it, it'll be taken out of my sec. deposit.  i just don't have extra money right now.  everything is going for the move.  the timing was all wrong, right on top of everything else.  frazzled all over again.  i hate this crapola.

this, too, shall pass.  just make it thru today.  love and hugs to you all, and thanks again.   i just don't have the energy to walk right now - this has drained it out of me.  hopefully, i'll be able to walk in the morning.  right now it just seems like too much.  dang, just when i was feeling so much better.  o, i can use this right now, cuz it's what it feels like  :fallingbricks:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on May 22, 2018, 05:31:34 AM
it seems you could need some time at the healing porch? With something soothing to drink, and some good company. Or just peaceful breeze.

I'm guessing your ll is stressing about money because she's going away. But that isn't your problem. You didn't decide for her to take her trip, she is responsible for that herself. I'd go with what stays in the contract if you can hold it out until you move out. Like you say, you got medical bills.

I too hope you'll be able to get enough energy to go for a walk tomorrow morning.  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Blueberry on May 22, 2018, 01:13:04 PM
Nope, no rent in advance for your ll! What's she taking/smoking?  ;)

Rather glad I'm in a country where tenant rights seem to be taking more seriously.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 23, 2018, 04:00:23 PM
sceal, you're right that she's brought on a lot of this herself.  her trip is work-related - she is a caregiver for the elderly, and is going with a client to visit their daughter.  still.  i will wait till the 1st of the month, see if i can negotiate half of what she wants - it would help. 

i was so frazzled i didn't even think of the porch.  thanks for that.  i was able to go for a walk yesterday, felt good about it.  today i'm just tired, so, yes, i'll be visiting the porch for the rest of the day.

blueberry, i just love your 'fight'.  you made me laugh!  thank you so much for that.

an update:  he and i had a good talk yesterday, things are way smoother, more fun again, and i think it will work out the best for both of us.  yay. 

ll is gone, and the 3 of us roomies stayed up late last night and played, laughed, and just had so much fun.  the tension in the house is now non-existent.  both of them asked again for me to stay, not to leave them, and i emphasized that i wasn't leaving them, just leaving the house.  i really don't want to live under this suffocating tension and negativity anymore.  it was so bad the other day that i resorted to xanax, which helped greatly.  still, i don't like doing that, but i was going under.

anyway, going to look for a place to rent this weekend.  excited about that.  i'm expecting that me and my d will have a great time.  and, off to the porch.  i'm very tired.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on May 23, 2018, 07:53:17 PM
San,
I'm so glad you are getting out of that place.  Walking on eggshells is no way to live.  I have spent much of my life doing it and I am certain it impedes progress. 

Glad that you talked with him and the fun is coming back  :hug:

I may come to the porch and hang with you for a bit if you don't mind.  I'm feeling a little triggered tonight.
Best wishes
-Deep Blue
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 24, 2018, 03:13:46 AM
deep blue, absolutely agree with you.  without her around just in one day, there is a palpable difference in how this place feels, how the rest of us feel.  so very carefree, it's ridiculous.

i'll be out of town for 2 days.  my d and i are going to look at poss. places to live.  wish us luck.  it'll be a tiring but fun trip.  i'll let you know what happens.  love and hugs all around.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on May 24, 2018, 04:45:18 AM
Glad to hear that you had a good and enjoyable evening with the other tenants, and that you cleared up the air with the Mr.  :)

Hope you have a wonderful week-end with your daughter, and that you find a suitable place for the two of you!  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Hope67 on May 25, 2018, 08:21:56 AM
Hi SanMagic,
Wishing you luck with your search for somewhere new to live - hope that you find the perfect place.  Or at least a 'lovely and good enough place' - as I doubt there is really a perfect place.  But you know what I mean, I hope.   :)
Hope  :)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 26, 2018, 03:11:24 PM
hey, sceal.  my d and i actually had a great time, found the house of her dreams in the location of her dreams.  i couldn't be happier for her - she's worked so long and so hard on this, overcome so many obstacles and setbacks, and it's taken 15 yrs., but she did it.  my prayers were answered.

hope, actually it turned out to be the perfect house,  truly perfect.  my d moved out here because she loves the trees and the ocean, but trees are her first love and were a priority.  the house is the largest one either of us have ever lived in, lots of rooms (we'll be able to have space to actually hold workshops at home, each in our respective fields), the forest as our backyard, and the sound of the ocean (only 2 1/2 blocks away) to sing us to sleep each night.  it's her dream.

other than hearing from the agent that the house was indeed ours to lease, my d telling me that even if we can only afford to stay there a year, she's satisfied that she achieved her dream, the one she's been working on for 15 yrs.  i can't tell you how my heart gave a sigh of relief, settled right down and just felt good.  i'm feeling happy on so many levels now that i can hardly bear it.  it's the best.

prayers have been answered.  that is absolutely true.  in the hotel room, after spending the day looking at place after place, i asked her again if she still wanted me along, that this was her dream quest and i'd be willing to stay where i am, leave her with the money i'd put into the savings for this, and let her do it on her own if that's what she really wanted.

she said that she knew she could now do it on her own, but she didn't want to.  well, you can only imagine how my mother's heart leapt for joy upon hearing that!  and the next day we went to several more places with no good results, and we landed at 'the house', which we'd already checked out on our own, but couldn't be accepted for without a walk-thru. 

it's so much bigger than we expected, and when we walked into the master bedroom, she immediately walked up to the window and plastered herself against it.  just outside is a forest of huge trees, nearly brushing against the windowpane.  she was in love and her entire being showed it.  i was in heaven just seeing that reaction.

so, yes, hope, it is perfect, located perfectly, and we will enjoy the crapola out of it perfectly.  doesn't seem real yet - probably not till we actually get keys and begin piling our stuff inside.  but wow!  what a trip!

so, i'm exhausted now, gotta go nap.  thank you all for your well wishes and happiness for me  that just adds to this experience in a very special way. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on May 26, 2018, 03:48:44 PM
 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

I could not be happier than I am to hear all this good news! You and your d both deserve this so much, and I am glad you are going to get it  ;D so excited for you!

I hope you are in fact getting that nap
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on May 26, 2018, 04:40:48 PM
It sounds wonderful.  :cheer: I'm so happy for you and your d. You deserve it
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 26, 2018, 10:12:46 PM
thanks el and deep blue.  your happiness for me and d just adds loads to how good i already feel.  i don't know that i've ever felt like this.  really.  contentment to my soul. 

you all are the best.  it amazes me that with everything people here are going thru, they still have a piece of them that can enjoy the good that befalls on of us.  you are truly special people, even if you don't know it.  i am blessed to have found this place and all of you.

it just reminded me of a girlfriend, best friend, that i've eliminated nearly 2 yrs. ago, who could never have been happy for me with this.  yes, she's got c-ptsd as well, has been severely wounded, but instead of such a show of happiness, she'd find ways to be jealous or envious instead.  thank you all for not being like her.  you are gifts to me, beautiful gifts.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on May 26, 2018, 10:28:25 PM
San,

I am always so grateful we can celebrate thwse good moments as well as help hold each other up in the nad moments  :hug: This place is special, and I am so thankful you are a part of it  :)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 27, 2018, 03:06:52 PM
ditto, darlin'.  thanks.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on May 27, 2018, 08:33:25 PM
 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 28, 2018, 10:31:10 PM
sceal, sweet sceal, thanks for all the cheering.  a big smile is on my face right now.  i'm lovin' it.

don't want to say too much about it but i think the fling with 'the mr.' (as sceal so delightfully calls him) may have run its course.  i was hoping for a fun, flirty fling between 2 lonely people with flaws and baggage for a few weeks, but it seems that he may have much more going on than i realized.

my d called him a 'person project'.  it would take a lot of work and energy to turn this around, and i don't know that i want to invest that much.   at least i got a couple of weeks of it, but some confusing stuff, push/pull stuff kept growing.  i'm mourning it as we speak. 

i did reach out to talk about what happened last nite, he'd have none of it.  not too much can be resolved when one person isn't speaking.  ah well.  too damaged, i'd guess.  don't know that anything's going to change in the next few days.  if not, i'll put it in the column marked 'experience' and let it die its own death.

i'm tired today from thinking about it, and from doing some financial stuff.  just gotta focus on moving now.  packing and cleaning at the end of next month.  it's been very nice with the ll gone - she'll be back wed.  i'll just enjoy until then.

around the next corner, indeed.  never know what will be found.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on May 28, 2018, 10:48:02 PM
An autism advocate, Temple Grandin, always talks about doors being opportunities.  She said she looks at each door as being an opportunity for her.  Some opportunities end up great, some don't.  The important thing is to just keep walking through them.  You are doing just that San!  Around the next corner there may some really great opportunities.  The Mr may just not be ready to follow around that corner yet. 
Much love and compassion for you San
:hug: :hug: filled with it.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 28, 2018, 10:55:01 PM
deep blue, how lovely of you to say that.

and, yes, i'll keep going thru those doors.  as much as it may suck on the other side, i do believe it's worth it to take the shot.  can't do anything about it if i don't even look to see what it might be.  thanks, sweetie.  hugs back to you.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on May 30, 2018, 06:58:09 PM
it's 3 days since the incident, which also involved my other housemate - he isn't speaking to either of us, actually said aloud when we were both present that he wanted no interaction with either of us - and the tension is rising in the house because of it.  i'm feeling a lot of pressure today.

i've run thru a gamut of emotions, the first being hurt that he would scream about me negatively, the second being very sad and grieving yesterday (that was a first - i'd never cried about being dumped by anyone in the past - and today i finally reached anger.

i'm so mad that he would turn on me like that, not want to discuss it, make it uncomfortable (again) for me to live here, and hurt me in the process. rat batard!!!  i only have a month left to live here, which i keep attempting to push to the front of my mind, but this absolutely sucks.  i did nothing that i know of to warrant this kind of behavior toward me - i checked with the other woman, she said i did absolutely nothing wrong, and even apologized to him for something she said.

he's having none of it. part of what is distressing about this for me is that he and i went to the food bank together 2x/month - we were supposed to go tomorrow.  that's extra money i'll have to spend on food rather than a doc bill or to move. another part is that i'm packing and he (and his mother suggested this) was to have helped me take the crates downstairs to stack in the garage.  some of them are too heavy for me to truck down what is to me a dangerous flight of 14 or so steps. 

so, i'm writing here, took a walk, bought myself some fruit instead of cookies cuz  the sugar craving was kicking in,and a xanax is calling me.  my heart is still beating quite rapidly with the stress of this.  ugh!  i was looking at what i thought would be a fun, flirty fling for the remaining time i lived here (with who knew what the future might bring) between 2 lonely people, both of whom had issues and baggage.  he once said he might be more wounded than he thought.  i now agree with that assessment.

so, it's over. i won't go thru this again.  i'm going to be happy just to make it thru living here one more month.  i've got to keep my sights on that.  the rest of it will somehow take care of itself, and i have to believe that, focus on it.  i got 2 weeks of what i'd actually wanted from a man, and i shall be satisfied with that.  i don't have that longing anymore, so  i'm grateful for that.  the rest i'll put in the toilet and flush. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on May 30, 2018, 09:03:40 PM
San,
Sorry he turned out to be "crapola" as you say.  ;)  I do want to tell you the positives I see you taking here.

Congrats to you for putting yourself out there.  You opened a door that you thought had closed. Sure it didn't work out, but it's great that you revisited a forgotten part of yourself and got a couple good weeks out of it.

Those 2 weeks left may seem like forever but I just want to remind you of what a strong, intelligent, caring person you are.  Your d sees it, and so do we.
So much love and hugs to you San.
:grouphug: - Deep Blue
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: SpacePasta on May 31, 2018, 03:05:21 AM
Hi there, San. I'm new. I've been following you for a bit before I became a member,  and I thought I'd stop by.

I understand how it can be tough. People just push and push and push, and it could be very hard to push back at them.

But I believe in your strength, San. I really do.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on May 31, 2018, 09:11:08 PM
A very  :bighug: of love to you from me, San.
It's super * of the Mr. to do this. It sounds as if he is acting completly emotional without thinking over the consequences of his actions, and I'm very sorry that he's letting his problems affect you and the other tenants.

It is as you say a month left. It's 4 weeks, and this week is soon over. Then it will be 3 weeks. And I'll be here with you during these weeks, cheering for you. Holding your hand when you need one, giving you a even bigger hug when that's needed. Or distract you with stories of other countries and cultures and worlds.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 01, 2018, 07:38:28 PM
thank you all for your support.  more later.

i just need to let this out about confronting the emdr community.  i took it on and i'll see it thru, but i realized that the question about 'details' from people re: being traumatized in session, and isn't what they've experienced perhaps 'very distressing' instead?  triggered me big time.

i don't doubt i've shared already back during the days of my working w/ adol. girls in a day treatment program.  it was housed with a residential program, which had 4 other therapists, and my supervisor.  one day, when i was still pretty new, but my sup. was already familiar with how i worked, she introduced me to one of the other therapists as 'this is san, our flaky therapist'.

i laughed it off at the time, but it's stuck with me, harrassing my brain and psyche all these years.  i thought that when i actually got a paper published, it would clear/heal that wound, but not really.   this therapist on the emdr list who questioned me triggered that old 'flaky therapist' label big time.  my chest is tight, my heart pounding.

it feels like i once again have to prove to someone that what i say is valid, my perception of the situation is valid and belongs on the same level as the perceptions of colleagues who quote literature and their own experience as being different, therefore, correct.  one t even referred to how well everything works at his 'shop', which brought a bad taste to my mouth.  'shop?'  like where you get your car repaired?

anyway, i just wanted to get this out, leave it here if possible.  it feels like i've been re-traumatized in a way.  going to the porch for the rest of the day, rock, read, play games.  whew!  advocacy can be stressful.  i'll need a day or two to calm down before i go back there and respond.

i did look up the definition of 'trauma' on several different sites.  in general, depending on the vulnerability of the individual, a traumatic experience can be anything that overwhelms and causes mental/emot. pain and/or impedes the ability to cope.  i guess that 'flaky therapist' comment was indeed traumatic to me, as more than 20 yrs. later it still upsets me to this extent.   i will include the definition when i respond to that t on the list.  people there may not really know what can be traumatic as compared to 'very distressing'.

hugs and love to you all.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Blueberry on June 01, 2018, 09:30:50 PM
hugs back to you san! Being an advocate for others is not easy, as I have discovered in the past.

That was very unprofessional of your supervisor. I'm really sorry it happened and that this memory has been re-triggered.  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Hope67 on June 01, 2018, 10:30:29 PM
Love and hugs to you, SanMagic  :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on June 02, 2018, 01:19:32 AM
:bighug:

Sending lots of love your way dear. This is a huge thing to take on, but you are doing it so well. I am glad to know you are taking time for self care
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on June 02, 2018, 06:19:19 AM
 :grouphug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 03, 2018, 12:31:39 AM
deep blue, space pasta, sceal, el, blueberry, hope - you're all so valuable to me.   your support, caring, kindness have gone such a long way toward helping me feel stronger, more human, and ready to take on whatever's around the next corner.  i can't thank you enough, can't express enough gratitude for the beauty you show me. 

i'm still resting, taking a bit more time before i go back to the emdr forum.  it's still too much for me right now.  that triggering question brought back all those old feelings, only they were valid for the present as well.  it wasn't as if i could say 'well, that happened in the past, i'm here now, it's over, i'm safe.' 

this is a formidable group of therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, many of whom are involved in the emdr community at very top levels around the world - trainers, presenters at the emdr conferences, authors, researchers.  and i'm a lowly therapist who was trained over 20 yrs. ago.  even their training methods are different now.

i can't quote research, authors, haven't been involved in conferences for a long time, and a lot of them know each other personally.  i remember disagreeing with a presenter once according to my own experience, and was pretty much ignored.  however, one therapist in the audience heard me and told me she agreed with what i said.  there were about 100 people in the room.

that's always been my odds when i do these kinds of things.  overwhelming.  so, my past becomes my present yet again.  triggered to the hilt, anxious and scared as to what kind of feedback i might get.  i know that when i get around to posting there, i will have gone over and edited and re-edited a million times before i hit 'send', and then i'll be anxious and worried until i hear something.

whether that something will be neg. or pos. i don't know.  what i do know is that i will come back here and find you all and i will be safe once more.  you are the friends and family i never had.  here is my safe place.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on June 03, 2018, 01:47:07 AM
 :grouphug:
We love you too San. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 03, 2018, 04:13:58 PM
thanks, deep blue.  so appreciated, i don't have enough words.

i'm gearing up.  i'm hoping to post to the emdr forum tomorrow.  i have wonderful/horrible details to give them so those who have eyes might see.  their blindness to this is absolutely incredible to me. 

just got finished reading libby's post, how her emdr t demolished her.  just broke my heart.  her t was one of theirs,  and i'd like to use it.   there can be a bit of an elitist feel among them, and honestly, i wouldn't mind if they're taken down a notch or so.  that may be petty of me, but i've been stung before.

basically, i just want them to know how careful they need to be with us, how gentle, nurturing, kind, and patient because our wounds have been vastly underrated by the therapeutic community in general.  i'll do what i can, and we'll see if it produces any pos. results.  i surely hope so.

Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on June 03, 2018, 08:16:15 PM
Hmmm be patient with patients.... sounds good to me  :thumbup:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 03, 2018, 09:11:09 PM
love that, deep blue.  nice going!
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 04, 2018, 03:49:52 PM
have started gathering everyone's experiences on paper, will write the narrative later today.  don't know yet if i'll be up to posting on the emdr forum today or wait till tomorrow.  this is a bit more anxiety-producing than i thought, so i'm going more slowly than i planned.

thank you all for your encouragement and support.  you are helping me a lot.  i'll be ok, just need time.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Hope67 on June 04, 2018, 03:59:00 PM
Good luck with it, SanMagic, I feel sure you'll do it really well - and time is on your side - if you post it later today, that will be great, but tomorrow will be just as good - and maybe you might sleep on it and want to add bits - so taking your time, that is a good option.
:hug: to you, SanMagic.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on June 04, 2018, 05:20:58 PM
I agree with Hope. Take the time you need and if it gets scary, step away.  So much love to you San.
:grouphug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on June 04, 2018, 06:08:03 PM
 :hug: Take the time you need, take care of your own health before all of this, baby-steps are okay!
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 05, 2018, 11:10:50 AM
hope, deep blue, and sceal, i want to thank you all for your support, not only for my advocacy, but also for my self-care.

i did email the emdr list yesterday.  i'd begun writing the narrative out,then just started typing it to their forum. i felt rather numb and unemotional while doing it, perhaps a bit of depersonalization going on there, but it seemed like what i needed to do to push thru. 

the original post and person that had mentioned c-ptsd and stabilization (which is what got me going in the first place - c-ptsd had never been addressed in any specific way before, and it made me want to jump in) had gotten more responses in the past few days, but i noticed that they all spoke to ptsd now rather than c-ptsd.  i wondered at the change.   i know that emdr was originally set up to address ptsd in returning vets many years ago.

one thing i'm now glad i included was a sentence that stated 'the idea that c-ptsd can be treated the same as ptsd is wrong.'  i know that's kind of blatant and bold, but i also believed i was within a framework of discussing treatment/stabilization for c-ptsd.  it seems it might have gotten changed under my nose, or there just wasn't much acknowledgment of the delineation between the two.

i guess there is now!

so, no responses yet, but i don't feel anxious anymore.  i'm glad i did it, went to sleep comfortable about it, which was a good thing.  we'll see if anything comes of it.  in the meantime, i couldn't have done it without all of you - you all deserve applause    :applause:    .  that was mighty courageous of everyone.  thanks for all the help.   love and hugs.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Blueberry on June 05, 2018, 12:41:58 PM
Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 05, 2018, 11:10:50 AM
... but i don't feel anxious anymore.  i'm glad i did it, went to sleep comfortable about it, which was a good thing. 
:cheer: :cheer: :applause:

We'll see if anything comes of it  :yes: and yeah, the cptsd / ptsd mixup is  :aaauuugh:  :stars:  and makes me :pissed: because they are different! That's possibly (??) the biggest problem - that Ts try and diagnose and treat us based on ptsd.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 05, 2018, 07:33:26 PM
i totally agree, blueberry.

well, i've got a sore throat today.  aftermath of anxiety/stress.  hopefully it will go away with rest, which i intend to do for the rest of the day.

just gotta write this here, get it out.  some of the stress has been around 'the mr.'.    dang it, my fixer wants this to end differently, help him feel better about stuff,  :blahblahblah:. 

he has got major mommy issues (as have two of my exes) so this feels so familiar.  i spent 20 yrs. on ex #2, trying to show him how to be happy.  it didn't work.   spent 9 yrs. on ex #1 trying to show him that all women aren't the same.  it didn't work.

the mr. is so angry, blows up at so much, has so much negativity surrounding him, yet i want to keep jumping in all the time to try to make a difference.   it's been all i've been able to do not to make contact other than to ask or answer a question, keeping either as short as possible.

we had 2 weeks of fun and flirty, and he was very generous, smiling all the time, so very happy to have me in his life, and then the nite of the big blow-up.  at the food bank he told me how i used therapy stuff to cause changes in people, how i manipulate people, how i was a pretender, all fake, how everyone wanted him to get sober and now that he is he finds that he doesn't like people, doesn't want to deal with their emot. crapola.

bottom line, i was a distraction, and he's got too much on his mind for that.  he's been snarky, rude, harsh, and i can't argue cuz he turns it back on me.  yet, i'm fighting not to re-engage.  yikes!!!  looks like my own daddy issues are getting in the way.

i've always felt best when i've had at least one man interested in me, and this was no exception.  while he and i were enjoying each other, my spirit soared, i felt like a new person, i felt happy for a prolonged period of time.  i can still drag the happy feeling up, cuz i really am basically happy now that i'm not so sick.  it's really good to be able to feel it.

still, this pull to 'make it right', 'make it all better', 'make him see i'm not the scheming, manipulative person he believes i am'.   i know i can't do any of those things, i know it.  it just keeps needling the back of my mind to make contact.  he's friendly to me, but it's so different than what it was, even before the actual 'fling' was taking place.

i can guess all kinds of things about what's going on with him because of what he's said, especially that he got scared cuz he started having feelings for me that he didn't want and i'm leaving, and he'll feel like a loser one more time (he mentioned something about he's sick of everyone else always winning and him continually losing).  he has no self-esteem, especially when it comes to women.

UGH!!!  it doesn't help that we live in the same house, either.  out of sight would certainly help him be out of mind.  ACK!!!!  please, deliver me from these urges.  urges.  they come just like a bus - i'm struggling not to get on.  this feels like an addiction.  ok, one day at a time. higher power, restore me to sanity. 

i've even cried over this 'breakup' like i've never done in the past, and actually felt the sadness that it didn't work out how i'd envisioned.   that was new for me.  so, deep breath. letting it out that i struggle with this.  i wish i didn't.  i feel stupid.  i know better.  really really dumb that this is even an issue for me.  give me strength to last with some sense of dignity till i get out of here.

this is my own fault.  i was the one who said let's go for it.  i don't regret it, tho.  i needed it, am glad i did it. fun and froth for 2 weeks, and i was feeling better than i have in many many years.  it's done now.  over.  just move on, san.  you don't have to fix everybody.   god save me from men with mommy / woman issues in the future.  i really don't need any more of them.  thank you.   and deep breath out.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on June 05, 2018, 08:37:22 PM
I'm sorry San  :hug:
I imagine living in the same house with him makes matters that much worse.  Fwiw that turning his negativity on you seems to be one of his mos.  I have confidence that you are smarter than that.  None of this is your fault.  It's hard fo help someone that doesn't want to help themselves (if not impossible). Take care of yourself, I'll probably see you on the porch soon.
:hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Blueberry on June 05, 2018, 09:30:33 PM
Hey san, Idk that you should feel 'stupid' and that it's your 'fault'. You two had a few flirty fun weeks, it could have kept getting better. It didn't which is a shame and sad but that has to do with 'the Mr.' himself too. It's not a one-sided thing all on your side. He doesn't want to deal with his own emot. crapola and is projecting that onto you most likely.

Emotions exist, you can call them crapola or accept them as part of life and part of the lives of people who come into your life. Doesn't sound as if 'the Mr.' can.

I'm sorry that you're in the same house though and have to wait those few weeks to get out of his presence completely.  :hug: :hug: :grouphug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 08, 2018, 07:44:01 PM
deep blue and blueberry - 2 blues - thank you for your support.    it is stressful, has knocked me off balance. 

i'm going to the porch today - all the stress of everything has caught up to me and i'm feeling worn out right now.  i felt this way a few days ago, was coming back from it, then got the pos. responses from the emdr list, and with an exhalation of relief, realized how much tension i was holding in with the anticipation of what might be said.

so, i'm back to where i was a few days ago.  my d, bless her, is putting everything in motion as far as hook-ups, etc. goes, so i'm grateful for that.  gotta give my brain/mind a rest.  ah, just thought of something - i've decided to wean myself off my sleep meds (haven't been getting more than 4-5 hrs. every nite anyway), so part of this stressed feeling may be that as well.    glad i thought of that.

ok, off to the porch.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on June 08, 2018, 07:54:08 PM
Hi San,

Could your tears over the break up with him be tears for the past you as well? For all the relationships that never worked out the way you hoped?
Just a thought. I might be on the wrong track with this though.

Big, big, big hug to you. I'm inviting you over, in my mind,  for a cup of tea, some chicken soup or lasagna, or something warm and nice to fill the belly. Soothing music low in the background and just talk about this and that, or just hanging out in silence.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 09, 2018, 03:41:43 PM
hey, sceal,

actually, these tears felt specific to this situation, and that felt good, actually.  i've spent so many years crying at the drop of a hat, but nothing specific.  so, finally feeling the sadness for the end of this felt very good to me.  i think it's progress.  in the future, i may find more tears for past instances, and i'll hopefully be able to pinpoint exactly to and with whom they belong.  i think at this stage, that's a more productive way for me to cry. 

less than 3 weeks now.  i can tell my d is feeling the strain.  i need to keep reminding myself to be conscious of that.  i'm getting thru my situation here, felt the feelings, cried appropriately, and i can feel the impact lessening.  she's been going thru something similar, only it's from an ongoing relationship of about 5 yrs.  lots of hopes and dreams pinned on it, and she's been rudely kicked to the curb 6 mos. ago, but has had to stay in the situation cuz of her lease.

so, i want to stay compassionate to her, stay focused on what she might be going thru when i talk to her between now and then.  i have excitement about the move in so many ways, where, for her, there is a lot more loss.  profound loss.   i want to be there for her.  i have all of you here for me. 

so, time to eat and go down for a nap now. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 11, 2018, 01:58:19 PM
so many emotions running around right now.  especially about the move, but also about 2 of the emdr therapists who have validated my thoughts, my knowledge, and my ability as a therapist to know what i'm talking about.  that is so huge, i can't quite absorb it all.  for the first time in 25 or so years, i feel respected as a therapist from colleagues.

and, this move - i'll be able to hear the ocean sing me to sleep at nite, there's a huge rainforest for our backyard, i'll be living with my beautiful and talented daughter who has been so kind and caring and understanding toward me thru all these years of feeling lost and battle-weary.   how does one deal with the idea of getting everything you want?
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on June 11, 2018, 04:13:22 PM
San, this is so lovely. The positive emotions are challenging, I comepletely understand as I am experiencing some of that too. I think as you told me, take your time processing it all and be kind to yourself. You deserve all of this and more, my dear  :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 11, 2018, 07:56:30 PM
thanks, sweetie.  i did think of you when i was writing that, that it's kind of a similar boat we're both in right now.  it's so weird, tho.  my head was spinning so badly, i needed some medicinal help today.   i even saw that i now have a credit rating - average - where last month it was still saying that i was merely establishing credit.  after being in mexico so long, all my credit went down the tubes, so i had to start over at zero.

anyway, moving forward.  it's just such a weird feeling.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on June 11, 2018, 08:47:28 PM
 It is a weird feeling, and stressful in its own way. I am glad you have medicinal help, honestly the second my insurance begins with my new job I will be seeking some myself. I have neglected it for a very long time.Your credit growing shows all the hard work you have put in. That is an inspiration to me as someone that is struggling to get mine fixed. Thank you for sharing so authentically

You are a truly beautiful soul. Remember that Earth Mother Spirit is always with you, her flowing skirts a place of comfort and compassion during all of this change. She is also a part of you that you can call on anytime and anywhere, bringing a sense of peace wherever you are. You are also always in my thoughts, San. Sending warm hugs and lots of love. There is always a space in my heart for you, and a shoulder to lean on if you need it (although it is a bit bony, you can imagine it more comfortable lol)

Love you dear friend
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Hope67 on June 12, 2018, 03:02:17 PM
Quote from: sanmagic7 on June 11, 2018, 01:58:19 PM
so many emotions running around right now.  especially about the move, but also about 2 of the emdr therapists who have validated my thoughts, my knowledge, and my ability as a therapist to know what i'm talking about.  that is so huge, i can't quite absorb it all.  for the first time in 25 or so years, i feel respected as a therapist from colleagues.

and, this move - i'll be able to hear the ocean sing me to sleep at nite, there's a huge rainforest for our backyard, i'll be living with my beautiful and talented daughter who has been so kind and caring and understanding toward me thru all these years of feeling lost and battle-weary.   how does one deal with the idea of getting everything you want?

So pleased for you SanMagic, it's great that you are being appreciated for the wonderful person you clearly are.   :hug: to you. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on June 12, 2018, 03:20:04 PM
San,
I hope the emotions spinning in your head have slowed. I'm glad that you are getting some validation and acceptance from the therapy community.  Sending you a hug  :hug: filled with strength, clarity and support
- Deep Blue

Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 14, 2018, 01:17:19 AM
thank you everyone.  so tired today, i'll give you a proper response when i get some energy back.  off to the porch.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 15, 2018, 03:47:55 PM
el, hope, and deep blue - thanks so much for being in my corner.  i can't tell you how much i appreciate you.

the stress and tension is rolling over me.   i'm having difficulty knowing exactly what to do.  i started weaning myself off my sleep meds, but i don't believe that's going to work.   they were originally for restless legs syndrome,  and the past few nights i woke up after only 2-3 hrs. of sleep, and my legs were burning and uncomfy, and couldn't get back to sleep, felt miserable all day.

i don't think this is the time for this experiment.  i caved last nite, took my meds in the middle of the night.  i noticed that when i was sleeping, it was only surface sleep, rather than profound, restful sleep, and that's exactly why i went on meds originally.  why, when i was writing on the forum yesterday i could only do emoji's.  i've been having difficulty finding words, even when i've been speaking. 

it was very noticeable last nite when i was talking to my ll.  at least 3-4 times i just couldn't think of the word i needed.  very frustrating.    so, i think i need to take a step back, get the sleep i need for these 2 weeks, and maybe try this experiment after the move.  in the meantime, i can't coherently write to anyone else here for a while.  gotta get my brain back.  too much, only 2 more weeks from today.    sorry i can't be there for anyone else right now.   that is a loss to me. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on June 15, 2018, 07:26:40 PM
San guess what guess what?!?!

I thought of you today.  As I was outside in the parking lot there was a lovely blue Mercedes Benz convertible!  The license plate was SAN 7.   It made me think that the universe wanted me to check in with you.  I think getting more sleep is a really good idea.  Rest well friend.   :zzz:

You can reply with an emoji anytime you like with me  :bigwink:  I just want you to do what's best for you.  :hug:

Take good care,
Deep Blue
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on June 15, 2018, 08:50:35 PM
 :bighug:
You were here for me today, and reading what you're struggling with right now... San, a deep profound: Thank you.
I'm sitting with you too.
:hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 16, 2018, 10:20:07 PM
what a difference some quality sleep can make.  yikes!  i feel so different today, stronger, better, ready to take this move on and get the HECK!!! outta here.

sceal, you mean so much to me, you don't even know. 

deep blue, don't know what our connection is, but it's there, i can feel it.  visceral, somehow.  i love that license plate!  you speak to me on a level i'm not even sure of.  somehow we're together.

so, am keeping my distance from 'the mr.' (thanks for that, sceal.  it makes me smile every time i think of you naming him that - it's great!), fighting my wishing i could have a conversation with him, get some closure on this instead of just this sense of '* happened?'.   

the consensus in the house is that he'd been drinking the day of his blow-up, which is why he said and did what he did.  my housemate said she saw a wine bottle in the trash, and that's his drug of choice.  this means not only that he already had kicked me to the curb in his mind earlier that day, but also that he was only able to maintain sobriety for 2 1/2 weeks, all the while insisting he doesn't have a problem that pure 'willpower' wouldn't fix.

all this info is helping me to stay away, to realize i'm dealing with an addicted mind, and also probably someone who has deeper problems, like depression, that needs some professional intervention.  he once mentioned that maybe he's more deeply wounded than he thought.  i now agree with that assessment to the point that i'm not the one who can help him heal.

it's funny.  i'm an addictions counselor, but when it's me who's involved on a personal level, i don't always see the relationship on a professional level.  with my hub, when we first got together (he was newly in recovery), i was watching him and me from both a personal and professional view.  i was particularly careful to keep both those eyes open at all times.

in this case, i didn't.  i reverted to just being me, personally.  i know the dynamics of addicts and addictions.  however, this one blindsided me.  i was thinking like i had with ex #2 - if i just be kind and caring and loving, it will heal all ills.

well, it doesn't.  i've got 3 failed marriages to prove that.  in one way i was just what they needed - a loving woman.  in another way, i was exactly what they didn't like or believe in - a loving woman.  funny how that works. 

and, so with 'the mr.'  too many mommy issues, too much anger.  probably needs meds and therapy, but chooses alc. instead.  depression runs deep in alcoholic circles.  so does sensitivity and caring - which has led to lots of pain and hurt.  too much for a partner to heal on her own.

i'm writing this to help me hardwire this into my brain, to know that if anything like this were to happen again, i need to keep my professional eye open.  that eye can see patterns, behaviors, and the meanings of words and phrases that my personal side doesn't take stock of.   it's why i can't do therapy on myself - i can't remember or grab hold of what i may say to a client in my same situation.

it's fine that this happens in the movies.  that's what they're about.  it's important for me to remember that movies aren't real life, not by a long shot.  i've taken a lot from the movies, often thinking i could translate what i saw to my life, mainly cuz i didn't have a clue as to what to do otherwise.  however, it never worked out.

so, good-by to 'the mr.'  i need to put my own closure on this rather than believing there will be some kind of rational resolution and we can part that way.  nope, it's rough-edged, one-sided, and i can only do for myself what i need to have done for me.  i don't know why i still go into these things thinking it will be different this time.  it felt different, i guess, but i didn't heed the signs, didn't want to believe some of the words. 

gotta remind myself to always believe the words he says about himself.  if he says he's lazy, check.  he's a coward, check.  he's unreliable, check.  and don't expect that to change cuz of me.  do i sound bitter?  i'm shooting for realistic.  a reminder.  i've been burned with this too many times.  but, don't believe the other words he says about himself.  when he's angry, leave him alone, he'll get over it in a couple hours, and come back.  nope.  he's been wanting to quit drinking for years, and now has.   nope. 

i guess i was out of the game too long.  lessons for the future.  still, no regrets.  i got what i needed, and that part's all good.  better than good.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on June 16, 2018, 11:19:35 PM
Hugs to you San
:hug: :hug: :hug:

On to bigger, better and brighter things.  Sisters before misters!!!!  :bigwink:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 17, 2018, 01:32:14 PM
you got it, deep blue!  right there with you on that!

last nite i had an epiphanal connection which is helping me with putting 'the mr.' to rest.  about 2 yrs. ago, a former bf from college came back into my life.  we'd always had strong chemistry.  i was feeling down, sick, yuck, and, once again, thought of a flirty little thing being a great pick-me-up.  he was married, both our spouses knew we were corresponding.

within 2 months, it was clear to me that this guy was basically cheating on his wife - he'd started buying burner phones to call me from gas stations so she wouldn't know.  ok, not cool all by itself.  however, he was also very accusatory, critical, aggressively opinionated, and judgmental of me and my thoughts, ideas, etc.  snarky, sarcastic.  i broke it off with him.

last night he came to mind, and i was able to equate all of that yuck stuff with how  'the mr.' had been treating me.  i'm to the point where i don't want to say anything more than 'hi' to him cuz of what i mite get in return.  nothing good, for sure.  so, as petty as this may seem compared to others' problems, it's been a biggie for me, especially as it's added to the tension already in this house.

so, just clearing some of the residual gunk out of the way.  it helps me to make these connections, have a clearer view of why this can't be fixed, why i would never be able to say the right thing in any logical or reasonable way because it would be turned against me.   it helps give me the strength i need to resist trying to make sense of this with him.

i think he's taking me to the food bank one more time before i leave.  that will probably be quiet and awkward, but i have to keep reminding myself that my words will make no difference in how this ends up, except to possibly bring more hurt down upon me.   i must remember that - my urge to fix this is strong, to make him understand, to get out from being the 'bad guy' once again (cuz that's how he's got me painted).

just puking this crud out.  it all helps. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on June 17, 2018, 08:41:43 PM
Relationships with other people is never a small topic or problem, dear San  :hug:
This is something that you are struggling with right now and that is causing you pain and hurt and taking away your joy and energy.
It's not something minor to you, in your life. And that is what matters. We all have different skills we use to cope with the * we are given, and some things are just harder than others. And I think relationship with others is touchy, especially, for us who have trauma through abuse of various kinds.
Just needed to tell you that your problem with the Mr. And the current living conditions Isn't a small one. :hug:

It's good to hear that you are trying to remind yourself that trying to fix things with him now will just bring you more pain. And choosing to avoid him is a healthy thing for you and totally within your rights! You do not need to take his negativity. He brought that upon himself, he doesn't have the right to push it over on others.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 18, 2018, 02:29:08 AM
thank you my darling sceal for that validation.  it does feel big to me, for whatever reason.  i so appreciate your saying that.  i said 'thank you, sceal' out loud when i read what you wrote.  you are so wonderful.    and thanks for the re-emphasis on me keeping my distance.  that helps strengthen my resolve.  love you, sweetie.  you are precious to me.  it felt so good to read what you wrote.

less than 2 weeks and i'm outta here.  it's going to be so different, in such a positive way.  i can feel it. 

as i was walking this morning, i found a black feather.  beautiful.  my spirit bird is raven, and crows are kissing cousins.  it used to be that when i'd be out, thinking of one thing or another, and i found a feather, i knew that i was on the right path.  this morning, i was thinking about staying away from him, and about moving, when the feather was there.  i hadn't seen it on my first pass, but it was there on the way back.

i know that this move is life-changing in some way.  i think the fact that we're going to be close to both a forest and the ocean is going to be soothing and calming for me (as well as my d), and it will help my stress levels diminish just for the location.  not being around toxic people will be huge as well.  i believe i'm more stressed about all this than i want to believe.     it's been a very long year.   you all have helped me thru it.  thank you for that.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 20, 2018, 03:37:02 PM
the little irritants here are now getting under my skin.  people can barely walk past each other without some kind of jab.  i got jabbbed by my ll the other day, she and her son jabbed each other in passing just yesterday while i was in the room.  8 more days.  gotta play this game for just that long and i'm done.

while i was here and sick, i really stayed to myself and no one bothered me.  as soon as i began feeling better, started interacting on a more social level,  this junk began raising its ugly head, and true personalities came out in full force.  not nice ones, either.  i've never gotten the knack of living with others in negativity, and it doesn't feel good to see/feel it going on around me.

so, beginning the last minute touches on getting ready.  i've got phone calls to make, lists, and organization in my head in order to put on the final touches to everything.  it seems rather strange - i've lived here over a year - but now that it's near the end, i can't get out of here soon enough.

it was good for most of the time for my healing, getting better, doc visits, etc.  i know it was the place i needed to be, so i'm grateful for that.  but, my o my, how quickly things change.  the urgency is upon me. 

enough venting.  for today.  i don't doubt there will be more tomorrow.  there's a delightful thought - not!
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on June 20, 2018, 03:51:00 PM
San,
If you were comfortable living with negativity, I think you would be an anomaly.

I think you are doing an amazing job.  You have the big picture in mind and that's so inspiring.  Much love and strength to you in the upcoming days.  If the drama from them goes on overdrive... vent all you need to.
:grouphug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Snookiebookie on June 20, 2018, 04:59:13 PM
Hey there

Keep your chin up. Only a few days left.  Sending you hugs  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on June 20, 2018, 05:33:59 PM
Sending lots of love and positivity your way. Remember I am here even if I am not physically responding. Ems is also there to give you all the strength you need to deal with you last few weeks there, and to coordinate all of the new stuff. I understand just how that feels.

I wish I had more energy to give, but know I am here with you. I do truly care for and love you. All the best my dear  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on June 20, 2018, 09:47:04 PM
 :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 20, 2018, 10:59:53 PM
deep blue, snook, el, sceal - your hugs, love, and well wishes mean the world to me.  thank you all so very much.

i find it interesting, especially reading el's response about ems, how easily it slips from my mind at the times i need it most.   it's why i so appreciate people responding, validating, offering that caring and kindness, cuz the more i read it, the more i realize that i have a hard time generating all that for myself.

it's like, i get caught up in the day to day of all this, and while wallowing, all you good people slip my consciousness.  i don't know why that happens.  yet, once i read these responses, it's like i slap my forehead and go 'of course'!!!  why don't i remember this?!!!

irl, i also have a difficult time feeling like i'm still real, still in the relationship with others if i don't get constant verification about it from them.  i noticed that with my d (altho that's finally settling down as i've become more sure of being in her life - well, duh, we're gonna be living in the same house!), while the fling was going on, even with my housemate w/ whom i'm establishing a friendship beyond just living together. 

it was rampant with 'the mr.' (thank you, sceal), and i found it happening with my hm just this morning because i didn't get a response to an email i sent her.  i went all over the place in my head - what did i say wrong, is she for real, screw it, i'll just ignore it and go about my life, i'm getting out of here next week.  it's like i don't feel worthy of having someone want to be with me.

o dear, this has never taken word form before for me.  not exactly in this way.  i would feel like if i wasn't with a person, i was invisible, that i had to be present with them in order to feel real.  but this feels like it's gone to another level, this self-worth part.  another feeling that i had never truly felt before.

geez louise, i hate this crap.  hate feeling like this.  hate having these new revelations that feel so neg.  which i'd never felt about myself before.  i read here about most everyone feeling like they're crap, and i can't relate cuz i've never felt that way about myself before.  but, here it is, it's pushing thru, one more painful nudge off my pedestal.  dang, what a realization.  i don't like feeling neg. about myself and knowing that i do.  i just think i didn't know it before - it was buried under survival mechanisms.

so, at my age, it's seeping out.  it wants looking at as a reality of mine that wasn't there before.  dang.  it's all your fault - all of you!  you're helping me heal!  it's just that my healing means i need to feel all the negs. i never felt before, all the negs. the rest of you have been dealing with forever.  now you get to feel better about yourself, while i get to feel worse.

ok, just a little rant.  i know this is a good thing, but it feels like dog doodoo.  i don't like feeling bad about myself.   now i feel ashamed that i wrote all that, thought it, felt it, and i'm not used to feeling ashamed about myself either.  chinga la madre!!!  i needed to swear, so i did it in spanish.  felt good to let that out. 

ever onward.  healing and recovery is a stony path at times.  just gotta keep hardening the bottom of my feet so it doesn't hurt as much while i keep walking this trail.  i won't stop, tho.  i won't back down (thank you tom petty).  i know that eventually it will balance out, and i'll feel ok about me on most every level, not above and not below the rest of everyone.  that's the key.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Blueberry on June 21, 2018, 05:12:05 PM
 :hug: :bighug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 21, 2018, 09:04:42 PM
blueberry, thank you.  that was exactly what i needed.

i fought long and hard with myself about what i'd written, so very ashamed of having written it, of having those kinds of thoughts in the first place.  horrible feeling.  several times i was going to come back here and delete it, then thought, that's what this place is for, to let the warts show, too.  ugh,

but your hugs, blueberry, that acceptance, thank you.  i'm a mess today, am off the news again, it all made me sick, i feel cruddy about the world, want to hide but can't get away from it, it's everywhere.  i'm scared, something i've never felt in my life, scared of what might happen to me and my d, scared we won't be able to sustain ourselves, scared of just being alive and what could happen because i am.

i've gotta go to the porch.  it's all overwhelming me.  it's just too much right now.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on June 22, 2018, 01:19:12 AM
San,
It's a mess. I'm in the states too. I must have seen the same article as you about meds. It makes me sick.
:hug: :hug:
Sending you the compassion that I think we both need right now  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 22, 2018, 01:46:41 PM
thank you so, deep blue.  it's beyond horrible - like what the nazis did.  holding your hand, sharing that compassion.  i really appreciate it.

not much better today, but a little.  still, i'm done with knowing what's going on.  if i know this, then i know everything, and it's too horrible to contemplate.  there can't be anything worse - ssdd (same *, different day).  too much hate for me to deal with now.  this brought it home to me like nothing ever has.

one week and i'm outta here.  i'm nearly all packed,  just clothes, bathroom stuff, and desk stuff.  plus, of course, my computer.  i'll hate being without it, will not be able to be here for a few days.  i don't like losing the connection to everyone here, but i'll be thinking of everyone. 

so, one more week, and the tension should lift, i'll hopefully feel freer, lighter, happier.  i'm really looking forward to this.

had a chat w/ my ll yesterday - she's had a terrible childhood, adulthood, as well, and it was the first time she mentioned having gone to counseling for ptsd.  i told her it was c-ptsd.  she related some of her horrors, some of which i'd known before.  i feel bad for her, always have, but some of her personality is just too difficult to deal with.  it's too bad.  she's not a bad person, wounded and all that, but some of her stuff is too much to take.  so, i'll be glad to be leaving her and the tension she brings with her all behind,.

just gonna get thru one more day. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 23, 2018, 11:02:35 PM
not a good day today.  tension with my d as i told her something she didn't want to hear yesterday.  i sent an email apologizing, and haven't heard from her.  i want to call, but something tells me she needs a bit of space with this.  luckily, we've been able to talk thru our differences, and i'm counting on that being the case this time as well.

tension in the house again last night.  i believe my ll is very jealous that i've made friends with another of the housemates, we have raucous fun together, and she was not invited to our party (we were watching a fun, silly movie) last nite.  she ended up barking about all the noise we were making, after barging her way into my room several times attempting to show that she can be fun, too.

she can't.  she's already said she doesn't laugh much, and she doesn't watch comedies.  she has a tendency, when the rest of us have been laughing and having a good time, to literally join in the conversation in such a neg. way that the laughter dies and cannot be restored.

and i just found out that my ex sister-in-law, a very sweet soul, died yesterday.  the world has lost one of the good ones.

5 more days after today.  god, give me strength. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on June 24, 2018, 02:24:03 AM
San,
You are dealing with so much all at the same time.  I wish I could help slow the world down for you a little.   :hug:  This hug is filled with all the wisdom, love and strength you have shown me.  :hug:


Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 24, 2018, 03:18:48 PM
deep blue, that is so sweet and desperately needed.  thank you so much.

a little better today.  i'm very tired, have been eating badly.  i'm so looking forward to being out of here.  there are always jabs flying in this place.  judgments.  negativity.  i can't get out too soon.

talked to my d yesterday.  basically, her business partner, who from my perspective has been riding her coattails ever since they got the business started, is also her ex, and he has hurt her badly, continues to hurt her this entire year.  she had hopes and dreams built around him, and to my mind, he led her on to continue believing there was hope for the two of them.

he squashed that in no uncertain terms on new year's, and has been hurting her ever since.  i think he's one of the most selfish people i've ever met, just from his expectations of her to hang around while he's off now with someone else.  she's the kind of person who doesn't like to give up on  a relationship until she's pursued every avenue.

i've been the same, so i understand.  however, i've had more life experience, can see this guy differently, and my mama bear just wants him out of her life completely.  there's other things that have gone on that have made me so very adamant about this, but she's in the excusing stage yet, still loves to hang out with him, still wants to keep him as a friend and partner.

ugh.  so, i'll have to backpedal on this one.  i don't want him around, but her life is not my life, and i have to let her find her own way.  it's killing me to see her getting stabbed in the heart over and over, but it's necessary, i can see now, to keep my own counsel about this.  i don't like him anymore, tho, personally, don't want to be around him, altho he's helping us with the move.  so i'll be polite, play that game, and hopefully won't have to see him again after fri.  that's the best i can hope for until her own stuff with him gets resolved.

it's never simple.  that's what drives me up the wall.  i will keep your thoughts and wishes in mind, deep blue.  i really appreciate them.  thanks again.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on June 24, 2018, 09:16:26 PM
Im glad your day is a bit better. 

I sympathize with that mama bear side.  I feel that way not only with my own son, but many of my students.  I carry their hearts in a way.  I carry your heart with me too San.

Sending you more love... cuz you can never have too much love
:bighug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 25, 2018, 02:17:12 AM
thanks, deep blue.  i do the same with other friends of hers, he being one of them at one time.  that's why the internment of those children hit me so hard - all kids are my cubs in my heart.  i totally understand you being that way with your students.  i had a piece of that with the adolescent girls i worked with, too.

it feels better to let this go.  i just spoke out of anger, i know.  i think i have a lack of filter at times and things just burst out even if i don't mean them to.  i'm on the edge of the autism spectrum, which i didn't know before this year.  that may have something to do with things like this.  it's not the first time.  i also get shushed a lot in public cuz i don't always realize how loudly i'm speaking, especially about personal stuff.  gotta make more of a concerted effort with that, if it's possible.

more drama in the house today.  it won't end till i'm outta here.  4 days after today, and today's nearly done.  i can do this.  after all, i've got all of you with me.  strength in numbers and all that.  it's worked before, it'll always work.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on June 25, 2018, 09:46:38 PM
Hey San,
I wanted to respond several times yesterday... but there were no words.  I was in a bit of a triggered state and couldn't put sentences together to respond. I'm going to try now.

I think it's ok to have a lack of a filter here.  To me... the fact that you can speak candidly is such an inspiration to me.  Sorry for the house drama. Final countdown to move out day.

You are important to me. I just want you to know that  :hug:
Deep Blue
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on June 26, 2018, 05:50:45 AM
Dear San,
It's finally here! It's not long ago where you were counting down months and weeks. Now it's just a few more days, and then a few more hours.
You are finally getting out of that toxic environment! Away from people invading your personal space, making demands on how you keep you're room (you're not 10!). You'll be close to nature again, and I strongly believe nature heals. So close now!
Sending you warm and loving thoughts and hugs for you in these remaining days. Hang in there! We'll be cheering for you! :cheer:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Blueberry on June 26, 2018, 12:47:06 PM
 :yeahthat:   :hug: :hug: san!
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 27, 2018, 05:11:21 AM
deep blue, thank you.  you are important to me, too, and it felt really good to hear that.  those words, that sentiment, came thru loud and clear. 

sceal, somehow i know that you will, all of you.  i'm making it thru this roller coaster with your help.  it leaves me topsy turvy at times, but you all help keep me righted.

blueberry, you're a doll.  love the hugs, i know how heartfelt they are. 

packed all my cupboard food up today, as well as most of my papers.  3 days after today.  it still seems like a lifetime, yet it's coming so fast.  it's so hard for my d cuz she's got lots of issues going down with this move, including a future she was once counting on that will now never be.  she will be very messy for quite awhile, and i'm going to have to be ready for it.

the mr. (thank you, sceal) apologized, and we're friends again.  last nite the 3 of us had a sort of going-away party, laughed, laughed, and laughed some more.  very fun.  today he took me hiking in the woods, and we came to this ridge where there was a scene i didn't expect - a snow-capped mountain and a full moon.  i burst into tears at the beauty and the gratitude for him bringing me there.

then, of course, we got in a fight on the way home, and i'm off balance again.  he misinterprets things i say, and i say things that aren't necessary and the entire afternoon was spoiled.  it went south so fast it made my head spin.  so, once again i can't wait to go.  maybe i learned something about myself today, tho, and that was hard.

ok, we just talked about this, and he was actually reasonable, listened to me, and i apologized.  so, i think it's all good again, and it was really difficult to admit it to him, cuz he's pretty arrogant a lot of the time, but for whatever reason, he was really nice.  this feels much better.  we may spend the day together tomorrow, which would be great.

i'm glad i did so much packing today.  i can have a free day tomorrow.  maybe do something naughty but fun.  it would be a great way to end this, plus he's a good back-up if i need one.  he's offered a couple of times to come get me if my move doesn't work out, which i can only see happening if my d, god forbid, dies.  but, it's nice to know that i'd have someone here who wouldn't let me be homeless.

horrible to think of, but it's how i've lived most of my life.  always having someone in the background, willing to help me if i need it.  i think this must be a survival technique i've worked out for myself along the way.  didn't have my folks to watch my back, so i tried to make sure there was a man (taking the place of my dad?) somewhere who would help me if i needed it.

it's horrible to think this may be a manipulation, but that may be exactly what it is, if i'm completely honest.  maybe i'm kind of a horrible woman after all.  maybe i know, like i knew with my d's, that i couldn't take care of children on my own, that i can't take care of myself on my own.

yet, when i think back on my life, i have done exactly that.  sure, there may have been a man around to do the 'heavy lifting', so to speak, but i was usually taking care of him as well.  ok, i'm messed up when it comes to this.  i've lived a life of infinite complexities, sometimes not even knowing what i'm doing, lost and clueless.

but, somehow, i've always found my way thru, either by myself or with the help of someone else.  i guess i'm independently dependent on friends and lovers to get what i want or need.  but, i've done it up till now, by hook or crook, and i know i've never really tried to hurt anyone.  used them but not abused them.

wow, this feels pretty honest.  i don't know exactly what it might mean, if i've groomed people to be there for me or what.  that sounds like a pretty manipulative act - grooming.  i wonder if my mind knew the shortcomings of my brain all along, so helped me in the only way i could manage. 

i remember a trial separation (encouraged by that narc t) of me and my ex.  i told her i couldn't do it, she had us do it anyway.  i kept the girls with me, and by the second week, when they'd visit their father for the weekend, they were already telling him that i was going 'mental'.  and i was.  i felt like i was cracking up, was out of control emotionally, and had the hardest time holding myself together.

it was something i knew i wouldn't be able to do on an even plane, wouldn't be able to handle with aplomb.  i was a complete mess, more out of control than i think i've been before or since.   i'm not equipped mentally, for all my intelligence,  to be completely on my own.  yet, i've done it many times.

a paradox, for sure.  whew - this brought out some hard-core introspection.  i've never been confronted on this before, never delved deep into my psyche about it, never came up with these realizations.  didn't blueberry mention in another post that realizations are the doorway to great changes, something like that?  it sure would be nice.  i feel a bit clearer right now.  wow.

Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on June 27, 2018, 12:06:49 PM
"wow, this feels pretty honest.  i don't know exactly what it might mean, if i've groomed people to be there for me or what.  that sounds like a pretty manipulative act - grooming.  i wonder if my mind knew the shortcomings of my brain all along, so helped me in the only way i could manage." 

This was honest and heartfelt.  I wouldn't beat yourself up about it though.   Maybe grooming is the wrong word??? To me, grooming has an intent to harm the person later.  You my dear, are loving and gentle.  I doubt you would hurt a fly let alone another human being. 
Much love  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 27, 2018, 03:12:03 PM
thanks, deep blue for your vote of confidence.  maybe grooming is the wrong word, but if not, it's not with the intent to hurt someone.  like, grooming a horse, perhaps?  grooming someone for a business position?  the intent is to help me, not hurt them.  and i would stop if they're distressed at all.

unfortunately, i'm quite the fly murderer.  in mexico, they were everywhere, and since i had to spend a lot of time in the house, and if someone left the door open, we'd be overrun and i'd go on hunting expeditions.  i could be pretty ruthless.

looks like another walk in the woods won't be happening - saw him this morning, he's really sore.  but, i'll enjoy this day, start gathering clothes and packing them.  ll noticed that my food cupboard is now bare - i think that shocked her into the reality of what's happening.

with me going, there is the question now of whether she'll have enough money to keep the house.  her renters are what paid the mortgage.  we'll see, i guess, altho it will have no immediate bearing on me.  she's pretty testy, tho, quite irritable.  that's a lot of weight to be carrying around.  then again, it's a lot of house to own for one person.  not my problem anymore.

time to eat, take a snooze.  i kind of don't want to sleep, want to be up for any adventure that might come along while i'm still here.  probably the only adventure will be putting clothes in suitcases.  lol.

still, this is where i've hung my hat for over a year.  what will be hardest is not having the computer for several days.  i'll be taking it down tomorrow, won't have access to wi-fi till mon. or tues., and it'll be awful to be away from here for that long.  still, there it is.



Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Blueberry on June 27, 2018, 04:14:42 PM
Time flies. You've been there a year already?? Wow.
Sending  :grouphug:  :hug: :hug:  :bighug: to pack in your suitcase till you're back online. Hope the move all goes to plan!
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 27, 2018, 05:58:48 PM
and i will carry them carefully because they mean that much to me - precious cargo.  thanks, blueberry.  that was so cool.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on June 27, 2018, 08:14:16 PM
San,
I was looking at stuff on my phone today and came across this.  I thought of you immediately! It's a painting on the feather of a Raven.  Very cool. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 27, 2018, 09:58:33 PM
that is GORGEOUS!  thank you deep blue.  i'm packing this with the rest of everything and everybody here.  wow.  what a gift!  amazing!
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on June 28, 2018, 06:29:43 AM
Just wanted to drop by and wish you a safe and good journey to your new home. And that you'll be so busy settling in and having a good time with your D and figuring out the neighbourhood and taking walks in the forest or towards the water that you wont need this forum before your internet and computer is set up again.
You are awesome! It's one more day, and a new beginning.  :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 28, 2018, 01:53:12 PM
sceal, that awesomeness is inherent in you as well,   thank you so much, my dear friend. 

took my last walk around this town this morning, was greeted by a gigantic full moon, so beautiful, and i knew in my heart that all's good.  it will be interesting discovering what our new neighborhood is all about.

lots to do today, all the last minute stuff.  chatted with the mr. yesterday (thank you, sceal), and in the midst of it he tole me to stay one more time.  there will definitely be a different energy here when i'm gone.

i have to admit there's a little sadness.  didn't expect to become connected to these people, and have certainly had some great laughs together.  fun adventures, too.  so, i'll miss those parts.

the rest of it, not so much. 

it'll be interesting to see how well my d and i get along living together now.  that hasn't happened since she was 17 and i moved out.  30 yrs. ago.  we've both grown and changed, and are fiercely strong, independent women.  but, we're also able to talk things out, get to resolution, so that's a big plus for us.  i think we've also learned a lot about each other personally, which i think will help.

plus, there's so much space in this place, we're not going to feel like we're crammed together.  our own bathrooms, too - also a helpful thing.

it'll be an adventure of grand proportions.  thank you all for all your support and well wishes.  love and hugs all around.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on June 28, 2018, 08:04:40 PM
Sending the best wishes for this new adventure!  :hug: :cheer: I am here with you through all of it even if I am not responding
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 29, 2018, 01:10:45 AM
i know you are, el, right by my side, always.  lovelovelove
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on June 29, 2018, 06:27:57 AM
 :hug: :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on June 29, 2018, 01:10:11 PM
darling sweet sceal, i'll take those hugs and hold them close.  thank you so much.

so, it's moving day today.  of course, i still have to pack up my computer - last to go, first to give attention to when i get to where i'm going.  my d is a lot more excited the past few days, so that's lifted my heart a lot.  we're both very much looking to get into a different environment, one with less drama and tension.  i think it will be healing for both of us.

she told me that she still has a problem allowing me to give her 'mother love'.  as in, hold her when she's in distress, be a comfort to her.  i know this goes back to the madness in our family, when her sister drained all the energy out of us parents and we didn't have enough to go around for her.  besides, she saw what we were going thru and tried to keep out of the way, not asking for anything, like comfort, etc. from us.

so, at 37, she still resists it.  she's in touch with a former t, and i mentioned that she might ask to get help with that since we'll be living together.  she knows that i go thru the mother-love thing, and that i want to be there for her.  i hope we can get this resolved.  if not, then i guess it will be what it is.

so, until i get online again, here's hoping for the best for everyone.  love you dearly. :bighug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on June 29, 2018, 01:45:52 PM
Perhaps a smaller step forward for your d might be for you to just hold her hand, or a comforting hand on her back instead?

Good luck moving!
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on June 29, 2018, 06:07:39 PM
Best wishes for an easy transition. Hope the move goes well.   :bighug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 06, 2018, 04:09:58 PM
i'm here, still unpacking.  just wanted to let you know i'm safe and sound.  more when i get some energy.  but, all is good.  thinking of you all.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Snookiebookie on July 06, 2018, 04:27:28 PM
  :wave:

Hi there!  I hope all is well. 

Sending hugs  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Hope67 on July 06, 2018, 04:52:53 PM
Hi SanMagic,
Good to hear you're ok, and wishing you the best with your packing.  Big hug  :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on July 06, 2018, 05:07:10 PM
Glad you are safe and sound. Take all the unpacking as slowly as needed to keep your energy levels okay. Love you, dear  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 08, 2018, 03:46:09 PM
snook, hope, and el, thank you.  you've all been in my thoughts while this has been going on.  i'm finally very tired, but i think we have most things we need for now.  still have stuff to unpack and move, but we're not fussed.  we love where we live, altho everything we've heard about the owner is that he's a duckhead.  there are issues that hopefully will be fixed - wish us luck.

meanwhile, i probably won't be here as much as i was for a bit, but you're all in my heart, and am wishing you the best.  i love you all, and sending warm hugs across space and time. 

Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Hope67 on July 08, 2018, 07:22:51 PM
 :hug: SanMagic, and wishing you both luck to sort out the issues with the duckhead - and hope your move goes really well. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 09, 2018, 12:49:05 PM
thanks, hope.

walking to the library today.  gotta get some paperwork printed out - my d's printer went on the fritz yesterday.

am having a really hard time sleeping lately.  awake after about 3-4 hrs.  don't know what's going on.  i'm glad i can sleep during the day.   

still very tired.  i guess i'm older than i like to believe.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on July 09, 2018, 03:15:03 PM
Sending lots of hugs dear  :hug: I love that you are working on the library, as a book nerd I hope to have a library one day.

Get much needed sleep as you can my dear
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on July 09, 2018, 03:20:31 PM
Happy to hear from you.
Sending a hug  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 10, 2018, 01:50:12 AM
el and sceal, thanks.  it's always good to hear from you, too.

never made it to the library - too beat.  i'm pretty crashed right now.  i think it'll take a few days of laying around, re-grouping some energy before i can get back to walking.  have done a lot of that in the past week.

my d and i are beginning to plan workshops to give in the fall.  i'm nervous - haven't done that in a long time.   long, long time.  when i did them, tho, i really loved doing them, and got a lot of pos. feedback, so i'm hoping what i'm planning will work out well, too.

i want to do a 'creative dynamics' series, including personality, communication, and relationship dynamics (not just couple-type relationships, but friends, family, work-related as well).  still don't have them all put together, and have to make flyers to tack up in various places around town.  it's exciting, and i'm looking forward to seeing if i get any response. 

it feels good to me, tho, to be feeling good enough to even think of jumping back into something like this.  it's been so long since i've had clients - keeping the deadline for appts.  became too nerve-wracking for me.   i'm a ret. therapist now, so i can't actually do therapy anymore, but workshops can be a fun way to teach people in an interactive manner so that they learn in a non-threatening way.  i've always liked that idea.

anyway, that's what's on my plate for the future.  there are a few lovely conference rooms for rent both in the town's community ctr. and the library that would be perfect.  it's fun to have this even muddling thru my mind right now.  we'll see how it goes, but it feels like something grand to look forward to.  yay.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on July 10, 2018, 02:02:57 AM
San,
Workshops sound awesome.  I'll be there in spirit.   :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 10, 2018, 11:47:23 AM
thanks, deep blue, and i'll have you with me in the room.   that's so very cool.

am feeling better today, thinking of taking a short walk this morning.  my d and i are attempting to get back into some sort of healthy and comfy routine, but all that it takes to move into a place keeps interfering.  we're having a walk-thru with someone from the rental agency tomorrow - i don't think the owner wants to deal with tenants at all except to have their money roll in - and we do have some concerns that we'd like addressed.  fingers crossed on that.

we may have our first visitor this sat., my former housemate, and that's pretty exciting.  she's very fun, laughs out loud (a favorite of mine), and is very intelligent.  plus, we're able to talk addiction recovery, which is good for both of us.  lots of 'wins' with this one.  i'm looking forward to seeing her.

it feels like things are just beginning to even out here.  my d and i are getting along well, we love this house, and unfortunately for everyone sweltering in the heat, the temp here is very pleasantly lovely.  the ocean and the forest behind us really keeps things cooled down, which suits me perfectly.  i can easily live in perpetual spring.

so, deep breath, in, out, and relax.  where we are is extremely conducive to that, for which i'm thankful.  no traffic, surrounded by nature, wonderful neighbors on a short dead end street.  it's truly peaceful.   
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 13, 2018, 09:48:38 AM
nightmare tonite.  another one similar to what i've been struggling with lately.  someone trying to kill me, and i'm doing my best to fend him off by myself, can't get anyone to help me, but i'm losing the battle.  i woke up breathing so hard, like i'd just run 3 miles.

these have been happening over about the past 6-8 mos.  i'm trying to save someone, often kids (mine or others), struggling cuz i'm not getting help - some of this seems evident that it's about my ex and raising my daughters.  maybe some residual anger there.  well, ok, i'm now living with my d, she's still having a relationship with him, even had him come out here to see our new place a few weeks ago and didn't tell me.  i found out thru the neighbor.

this morning, it was me trying to save me from some terrorists, and other men i knew were around every so often, but weren't helping me, and as one of the bad guys got my foot (they are always grabbing me by the foot, dragging me toward my doom), i was struggling hard but not able to get away, and it became evident to me in the dream that i was going to die.  i woke up, breathing hard, knew that if i closed my eyes the dream would continue, and had to put a light on cuz i was feeling very frightened.

normally, i feel very safe in this house.  the only scary thing i'm facing right now is starting up my workshops.  i wonder if that has anything to do with it.

at any rate, that's why i'm up.  i hope to be able to go back to sleep eventually.  we'll see.  i hate these things.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Hope67 on July 13, 2018, 10:24:28 AM
Hi SanMagic,
I wonder if it's because your d allowed your ex to come into the house without your knowledge that is making you feel unsafe.  I think I would feel very uncomfortable and unsafe too - in such circumstance.  I can appreciate that she might want her F to visit, but really - she should (in my opinion) have discussed it with you - and if you weren't comfortable then maybe she should have met him on neutral territory.  Often a home is a 'kingdom' or a 'sanctuary' (in my view) and so those boundaries are so important.

Just wanted to send you a big hug, SanMagic, and hope that you are ok today - and that you get some better sleep - but maybe if you had some boundaries in place - through discussion with your d- maybe that might help you feel safe again.   :hug:

I saw what you wrote on the Porch about the Raspberry muffins - I am salivating already at the thought of such a lovely muffin!  I would like to share one with you! 

Hope  :)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on July 13, 2018, 02:24:11 PM
 :bighug: to San,
Those nightmares can really take it out of us. The rebuilding and healing part of sleep seems to elude us when they show up.

Sending you a heated blanket and  :hug: filled with understanding
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Blueberry on July 13, 2018, 09:06:39 PM
Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 13, 2018, 09:48:38 AM
  well, ok, i'm now living with my d, she's still having a relationship with him, even had him come out here to see our new place a few weeks ago and didn't tell me.  i found out thru the neighbor.

Ouch. I wonder too like Hope if that's making you feel unsafe.

I note how many changes going on for you atm and also all those plans. I'm not surprised your dreams are a little wild. I hope you can find a suitable nightmare-warding off blanket over on the Porch.  :bighug: :bighug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on July 14, 2018, 09:02:05 AM
 :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 14, 2018, 12:00:53 PM
hope, i think you hit that nail on the head.  thank you very much for that.  i didn't put it together for myself, but once i read what you wrote, it made total sense.  there was another incident as well, money from her father, that she only mentioned in passing that she'd gotten a 'gift', but didn't tell me anything else.

so, i confronted her yesterday, we hashed it all out, she apologized to me about keeping it a secret.  i thanked her for that.  this is new territory for both of us - we've both had roommates before, but right now our money and lives are completely intertwined, and i told her i think we have to be more open about things that concern the both of us.  she agreed, just said she's learning how to be in this relationship.

she's also very uncomfy cuz she knows what i think of her father, and it's an awkward position for her.   i get that.  i've also told her that i've mellowed on it, especially so as to make her more comfy talking about him to me.  it's up to me to let that part go for her sake.  i don't want her in the middle of he and i.   that's not fair, either.  she's worked hard on all this stuff, especially to keep family ties.  she couldn't do it with her sis, but she set up some major boundaries now with her father, and i can only let her know i respect that.

blueberry, thank you for the validation on that, too.  unfortunately, i don't always see this stuff, but having you and hope in agreement on that point helped me formulate a cognition and realization about how that might have affected me, which i was unaware of.  you people, this place, has been such a blessing for me in helping me recognize these kinds of things that i don't always comprehend on my own.  i always appreciate such honest feedback cuz i can't always get to where i need to go by myself.

deep blue, i spent most of yesterday, and will be there again today, on the porch.  that blanket sounds remarkably like just what i need, and i did get a lot of understanding, which was necessary for me to be able to talk with my d about the whole thing.  thank you for that suggestion, and the hugs.   always so appreciated.

sceal, thank you for the hugs.  i'm needing them right now.  i also got called out by my d the other day about something i do - poke at peoples' foibles, make a point of showing them where they might be wrong, even if i've done it in the past, i'll repeat it several times.  the mr. actually called me on the very same thing a few weeks ago, so when she said it, i really sat up and took notice.

i've learned a little guideline along the way - if one person says something about me, i can take that with a grain of salt, but if it's repeated by at least one other person, i need to pay attention, examine it,  analyze it for its reality, and do something about it if it's a trait that needs changing (i feel like i'm in an eternity of therapy, even without a t - always questioning).  so, i'm trying to find an explanation for this behavior.

i think it might have something to do with having to prove myself on many, many levels.  this has been a recurring theme throughout my life.  i'll pick at people, even cut them down, as a way to feel like i'm knowledgeable, but also as a way to possibly make them know that i'm superior?  ugh - that hit me in my gut, and i hated writing it, but i think there's a truism hiding in there that has become so automatic, i don't really know when i'm doing it anymore.

yucky to learn about myself like this.  now that i'm more aware, i'm hoping i'll be more aware, and keep my mouth shut before i say stuff like that in the future.  it just reinforces my own sense of  how low my self-esteem still is.  i don't like knowing that.

time for the porch. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on July 14, 2018, 01:21:01 PM
Those are some big realizations but you are doing so well with them. I am always in awe of your ability to learn and grow  :hug: I hope the porch is exactly what you need today, I will be hanging out there as well, just trying to get some more rest in. Sending lots of love  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on July 14, 2018, 06:27:46 PM
Quote from: Elphanigh on July 14, 2018, 01:21:01 PM
Those are some big realizations but you are doing so well with them. I am always in awe of your ability to learn and grow  :hug: I hope the porch is exactly what you need today, I will be hanging out there as well, just trying to get some more rest in. Sending lots of love  :hug:

:yeahthat:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on July 15, 2018, 08:05:59 AM
Quotei've learned a little guideline along the way - if one person says something about me, i can take that with a grain of salt, but if it's repeated by at least one other person, i need to pay attention, examine it,  analyze it for its reality, and do something about it if it's a trait that needs changing (i feel like i'm in an eternity of therapy, even without a t - always questioning).  so, i'm trying to find an explanation for this behavior.

When reading this a thought struck me. Perhaps it's not so much therapy as it is personal growth. Is it possible that for those of us in the world who has had so much therapy that working on our flaws, analyzing our behaviour it at some point becomes something we see as a thing we should do in order to become better. The question is, better for what? Better mental health? - Awesome. But better by social standard - maybe that's really not needed. Maybe in that context we are good enough as we are.

Showing people where they might be wrong, well - honey, there is nothing wrong with that if it's given in a constructive and loving manner - and at a time where the other person is receptive to a second opinion. He or she might not have the same view points as you and thus might end up disregarding your belief of them being wrong in something. But the moment we stop analyzing, stop questioning, stop seeing things from various viewpoints is the same moment we stop growing as people. (although, taking breaks are more than okay. We need them. )

Just some thoughts, feel free to ignore them if now's not the time.
Otherwise I want to say, finding out what works and doesn't work for you and your d, will probably take some time. You both have to set boundaries of what's okay, and you both have to compromise. It will probably be some disagreements along the way - but as long as you're both able and willing to keep an open line of communications, I think it will turn out alright and awesome for you both.

I hope the workshops you're working on will be awesome, and that you'll have fun, meet new interessting people and that you get that extra income to help you pay for the things you need. Medical bills and food, and hopefully somewhere down the line - you can be able to buy something special and unique for yourself without having to worry about the bills.  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: kdke on July 16, 2018, 08:31:35 PM
San, I really admire how you're willing to look at yourself and face realities that are very difficult to acknowledge. It really causes me to feel a wave of positive yet powerful emotion because it's such a gift to both do it and watch it. I relate to how painful it can be to accept parts of ourselves that are perhaps self-serving, but it's a power to know how to do it and make something good out of that awareness at all!

I agree with Sceal in regards to therapy progressing forwards as personal growth. After all, I've come to understand therapy as a resource to teach the client self-sufficiency. A therapist gives us the tools and then teaches us how to use them so we can have that initiative and know-how outside of sessions. Eventually, it just becomes second nature, a skill that we can lean on and build.  :)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 20, 2018, 03:14:08 PM
el, deep blue, sceal, and kdke, thank you.  i want to respond more, but later.  almost time for me to go down.

my next bit of news is that the mr. (thank you, sceal) has come back into my life.  i'm proceeding cautiously.  new circumstances now that we're not living in the same house anymore.  new dynamic.  he's been kinder, gentler, wants to try again.  we've been talking on the phone, he'll be out here in 2 weeks with friends, then take me to dinner for some face-to-face chatting.  we'll see.

my d asked me why i'd want to be with him, i told her he's smart, challenging, stimulating, and makes me laugh.  he's also made it clear to me that i can call him anytime for any reason, which feels supportive.  we've got a lot to talk about, a lot to straighten out, a lot to explore before we see if this is gonna go anywhere.  this has been another dream of mine - a male friend.  i've thought i'd had that with my hubs, but they all puked that away in one way or another.

we're a long way from that, but i'm always optimistic (sometimes to a fault, i know).  still, the few times we've talked now, i've been testing him to see how he responds to various issues we've had before.  so far, ok.  so, slow it goes, and we'll see. 

love and hugs too you all.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on July 20, 2018, 05:17:50 PM
Glad you are going slow with this, but I also realize why you would want to see where it goes. I am hopeful and optimistic too  :hug: all the best my dear
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 20, 2018, 10:05:42 PM
el and deep blue - thank you for that validation.  you always come thru in that way for me.

sceal, thanks for pointing that out.  and, kdke, for seconding that - personal growth.  kind of like the butterfly has to struggle to get out of the cocoon, only to return to it and repeat the process.  it sure can be as difficult as therapy at times.

and el, thanks for the optimism to hold my own up.  i think i'm gonna need it.

the emotion of fear kicked in today re: the mr.  there have been several past experiences where he has exploded at me because i said the wrong thing, interfered in his routine, or otherwise got in his way.  i don't want a relationship that contains fear, especially because of something i say.  that eggshell thing - been there, done that, don't want any more of it.

so, it will be a topic i'll have to bring up, but i'm debating on when a good time to do it is.  fear.  i'll have to think on this a bit more.  it's taken 6 days for this emotion to emerge, for me to recognize and feel it.  but for the alexithymia, i don't doubt it would've been at the fore of even contemplating getting back with him.

so, now it's here and i have to deal with it.  this will take some time and thought.  he has a pretty strict routine, but he's made it clear that he wants me to call him anytime.  if he's sleeping or busy, his phone is turned off, but he'll call me back when he can.  he doesn't always do email, so i've sent him emails (i don't have a cell phone for texting) that he haphazardly reads.

sometimes i feel better writing this stuff out, cuz i can get tongue-tied when trying to explain myself in these kinds of situations.  don't know exactly what i'll do, but it'll work out. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on July 20, 2018, 10:45:31 PM
San,
You are such an amazing person.  You do such a great job sorting out your feelings and writing them here.  I like to write stuff out before discussing them with people too.  Getting tongue tied is very familiar to me  :disappear:

In my experience, that fear emotion kicking in is worth some exploration.  What is your body trying to tell you? Maybe it's worth looking at?

Much love sweetie
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Andyman73 on July 20, 2018, 11:13:06 PM
 :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 20, 2018, 11:43:24 PM
thanks for the  :hug: andy - back atcha.

deep blue, the fear is definitely something i will be exploring.  i don't like being yelled at for making a mistake, nor do i like being yelled at because i said something that interfered with a routine.  i can be told what's going on, and make changes.

as far as my body goes, i don't know where the fear is.  i do know that when these yowls went on, the tension, the neg. vibes hit me like a force, - ok, i'm feeling it in my gut right now as i write, so it must be something visceral, dangerous - and now the tears just welled up, so that hit a sensitive spot.  i'm in danger.

not of being physically hit, but emotionally hit, mentally hit which makes my mind go haywire.  in the house where i used to live, even vocal arguments between 2 others that had nothing to do with me could send me into a tailspin.  i ran for the xanax just to untangle my head.

i just want someone who will be kind and patient with me, not fly off the handle at any interruption, or judged because what i'm doing and why doesn't make sense to the other person.  i've gotten rid of so many people in the past few years because they didn't/couldn't do that for me, and i would love this chance one more time to fill some of that void.

basically, i have my d in my life who does that for me right now.  she's the only one.  she and i got into a bit of a scrap the other night, and she went to her room, talked it over with a friend.  she knows my history, told her friend some of it, and mentioned how many times i thank my d for being patient with me.

my d has a hard time understanding this cuz she doesn't see it as being patient at all.  it's just how she likes to treat people.  she also knows (because i've thanked her for her patience many times over many years) that her sister was very quick to snap at me, very quick to judge me, very quick verbally to hinder my own thinking and communication.   dang, is there a connection here?

must be, because here come the tears again.  anyway, after my d and i got together to discuss what happened, she told me her friend said that i may be very defensive right now, and it'll take time for me to get used to an environment where that kind of stuff isn't going to happen.  full out crying now.  i welled up with tears after she said that the other night, too - it was as if someone had actually seen me and acknowledged what i've been thru.

i'm so strong, can be intimidating, most of the time, that people would never guess how truly vulnerable i am, how really sensitive i am about these things, how wounded i am because of all those years of abuse.  rarely am i seen that way cuz i've been hurt so often, wasn't able to feel or acknowledge it, so it just all got put away inside.

which left an exterior of sassy, smart-mouth, i can take anything you can dish out facade that crumbles under the pressure of neg. vibes anywhere near me.  so, the fear is that i'm too damaged for this to work, that i can't expect him to put up with this cuz it's stuff he doesn't like.  actually, the other day on the phone, he admitted that one time when i did crumble, he got scared.

we've got 2 damaged, wounded people here who need all the kindness they can get, but i don't know if we can pull it off.  i haven't found a man yet who has had the cajones to do the hard work, face the truths, even tho he saw me doing it in front of his eyes.  like, it was ok for me to go thru the healing process, but not for him.

and, because now the mr. has decided he wants me back in his life, i don't quite know how far he's willing to really go.  it feels like it's my last chance.  us living in separate places, only seeing each other once a month or so would be ideal, really, cuz we're both pretty set in our ways at this point.  but i've got this crapola that jumps on my head, and i don't know if he wants to deal with it.  i guess i'll have to ask him.

deep blue, you really know how to ask a question.  thank you, sweetie.  this seems like the first time i don't feel the same strength in a relationship that i've felt in the past, no matter how horrible they've been.  i've always been without fear before.  now it's with me, and i'm feeling handcuffed by it.  wg once asked if it was worth it to have emotions, to fight to get them.  this is one time i wish i didn't, even tho i've been fighting for them for nearly 2 yrs. 

i still don't know how to be afraid very well. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on July 21, 2018, 12:59:28 AM
 :bighug:
That was excellent exploration San.  I really do understand how others perceive you, people perceive me the same way too.

Even my T this week said... I know you are struggling, you haven't even made a snarky comment to me today.  I'm a bit snarky with her.

People don't know the chaos that can exist in our minds.  They don't know the path we have walked.  Rest assured, that though our traumas may be different, we have similar ways of dealing with it.  Sending you a strong hug sweetie.  Much love to you always
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on July 21, 2018, 06:27:53 AM
Darling San,
I am sorry that you're struggling with so many emotions right now, and that the confusion and the hurt is in the foreground these days. You've been through alot. But in spite of all that, you're such a wonderful woman. So caring, and daring to be vulnerable. You're filled with warmth, and support. I'm so happy that I've come across you.
It takes time to lower those shoulders, to find out that you are okay and safe in your new home. That the conflicts with you d in your new home will occur, as they will always occur whenever someone lives together. But you are doing a really important thing, you are both keeping up communication once you've calmed down. That in and of itself is pretty brilliant, not everyone is able to do that.  :hug:

While you are both trying to find your bearing, I'll happily invite you over for a cup of tea. ;)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 21, 2018, 12:57:55 PM
deep blue and sceal, your kindness, affection, caring, and warming words affected me more than you'll ever know.  you help in ways that go so deep, delve under the wounds and help heal them from the inside out.  that's a gift you both have, and i feel full and whole on receiving it.

both of you called me by terms of endearment - sweetie, and darling - of which a few others have done (you know who you are, and, really, that warms my heart like nothing else) and it was like you took a baby bird in your hands and gently, carefully, began nursing it back to health.  that's how those terms of endearment feel to me.  like you're not afraid of me but see the vulnerable wounded part of me and are so loving toward me, which is, to me, our most basic cure - love.

so, again, many thanks for that.  it touched my heart with a profound sense of beauty.  it's 5:30 a.m. and you already made my day.

as far as the mr. (thank you, sceal) goes, and my fear. last nite i broke thru.  as i was getting ready to go to bed, it occurred to me - i know who i am, i am sassy and smart, i can hold my own with anyone (done it many times) and the fear left.  then, i woke up at 2 cuz my back hurt, and decided to call him while the advil was working.  he works 12-hr. shifts as a big rig driver, so he has a lot of free time when there aren't any loads to move.  he's invited me to call him anytime if i'm up during the night - when we lived in the same house, he knew that most days i was up very early.

so, i called, put my best sassy self out there, and it was all good.  i told him i couldn't sleep cuz of my back, and decided i'd call and either annoy him or shine some light on his night.  he said it was definitely shining a light to hear from me.

we talked for nearly 2 hrs.  things were discussed, we laughed, i told him if he wanted to be a jerk to do it with his other friends cuz i bloomed under kindness, and he had no prob. with that.  i told him that until my d gets comfy with her mom being sexual, she didn't want him to spend the night, and i was going to respect that, that it wouldn't be forever, but would be for a while.  he didn't put up a stink,  which i was nervous about, but accepted that.

then we talked a bit about logic and emotion, and he mentioned that as much as he loves logic, he also has a very emotional side, and he believes that his logic got in the way of his emotions when we were together at the house.  told me that he kept thinking that what was happening wasn't real, couldn't be real, and he got scared.  so, everything blew up.

i told him it was real, it was true, then i asked if he'd be willing to talk about that kind of stuff in the future when it was going on, and he said he'd be willing to give it a shot.  so far so good.  we'll see on that, but i thought it progress that he'd admit to it.  we both ended up smiling.  before he left to get ready to leave work, he told me to call again tonite if i was up.  he sounds very, very happy to have me in his life, especially since i'm now away from that house and his mother.

so, i thought it was a productive conversation, but i'm still on the 'we'll see' waiting list.  it really would be nice, and he loves nature, is a biologist by education, so he's also knowledgeable about the flora and fauna in this part of the country, which is pretty foreign to me.  he's still not drinking, and doing really well with that, so i'm glad.  i'm ok right now, and that feels good.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on July 21, 2018, 08:54:47 PM
May I just say that I love sassy San? So many layers and I love them all  :grouphug: to each part of you.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on July 22, 2018, 06:03:53 AM
I'm so happy that you concluded that you do know yourself, and that the mr. shouldn't rock that boat. He'll just have to accept you for who you, all of you, or not at all. It's his choice, and you're not going to change for him. I'm glad you told him that this is the way you are. And I'm glad you also told him that you need support and love and endearments, not critisism and complaint - that's stuff he can take up with others.  :cheer: And happy he understood!
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 22, 2018, 12:05:16 PM
hey, deep blue, i love sassy san, too.  she's spunky, a trait that i've admired since i read 'alice in wonderland' when i was a little girl.  thanks for all the hugs - love them as well.

sceal, thanks for the support.  i seem to be noticing a pattern, one which i've seen in myself for quite a few years.  i get to a place of near despair, begin wallowing in it, then something snaps and i'm able to pick myself up out of it and take some pos. action.  it's happened several times in my life when i've been brought to my knees by someone or some situation. 

it must be a survival spirit or something, cuz it's happened at the lowest of times. often when i believed i couldn't go on, and even began taking steps not to.  but, something always came along, either in my mind or my environment, and i got back up.  don't know quite how, but i guess it wasn't my turn to drown that day.

so, he and i have been chatting quite often, and i'm feeling more stable.  he's been good at reassurances even when i haven't asked, so that's been a nice bonus.  he's planning to come see me next week.  i'm a little giddy, already planning what i want to wear.  high school much?   lol!

but, it's fun.  so far.  i've been able to speak up, talk back, tell him to knock it off if it's something i don't like.  still in the we'll see stage.  this could be lovely, or blow up in my face.  but then, what couldn't be like that?  just givin' it a shot, see what happens. 

happily, too, my d and i are getting along well.  feels like we're getting closer.  she's protective of me and has a wonderful perspective on what might happen if my mind goes and i forget who she is (which we were even told by the cable guy not to let that happen) - she says she'll just greet me every morning, introduce herself, ask what i'd like to do that day.  very lighthearted, carefree.  that's also reassuring to hear that she won't be freaked out by it.

so, lots of stuff still to do, but we've now been here 3 weeks, lovin' it all.  today is a walk to the library to get copies of our workshop flyers made.  tomorrow we're going on a new adventure - a bus ride to the next biggest city down the coast.  we want to put flyers in the college there, possibly the community ctr., places like that.  kind of exciting.  we're both looking forward to it.

in the meantime, my room is beginning to look like my room, finally.  mostly unpacked.  we're feeling safe here,  and more than satisfied with our location.  i'm pretty happy all the way around.  that's a nice change.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Blueberry on July 22, 2018, 02:50:18 PM
 :thumbup: on feeling safe and happy and onmoving forwards irl e.g. unpacking and following thru with workshop prep.  :)  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on July 23, 2018, 01:25:57 AM
You deserve happiness San.  I'm glad that things are going well with your d, the mr and with the new place.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 22, 2018, 12:05:16 PM
often when i believed i couldn't go on, and even began taking steps not to.  but, something always came along, either in my mind or my environment, and i got back up.  don't know quite how, but i guess it wasn't my turn to drown that day.

I've read and reread this part of your entry tonight.  It's giving me some strength to keep fighting.  I'm hoping it's not my turn to drown yet either.

Love to you sweetie
Deep Blue  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Hope67 on July 24, 2018, 08:15:50 AM
Quote from: sanmagic7 on July 22, 2018, 12:05:16 PM

so, he and i have been chatting quite often, and i'm feeling more stable.  he's been good at reassurances even when i haven't asked, so that's been a nice bonus.  he's planning to come see me next week.  i'm a little giddy, already planning what i want to wear.  high school much?   lol!

but, it's fun.  so far.  i've been able to speak up, talk back, tell him to knock it off if it's something i don't like.  still in the we'll see stage.  this could be lovely, or blow up in my face.  but then, what couldn't be like that?  just givin' it a shot, see what happens. 

happily, too, my d and i are getting along well.  feels like we're getting closer.  she's protective of me and has a wonderful perspective on what might happen if my mind goes and i forget who she is (which we were even told by the cable guy not to let that happen) - she says she'll just greet me every morning, introduce herself, ask what i'd like to do that day.  very lighthearted, carefree.  that's also reassuring to hear that she won't be freaked out by it.


Hi SanMagic,
Such positive things, and I'm really happy for you.   :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 24, 2018, 02:08:45 PM
blueberry, thanks for the encouragement.  really appreciated. 

deep blue, i'm so glad you were able to tough it out thru a rough few days.  you're sounding stronger.  this is why we're here, isn't it - to help provide safety nets for each other.   i know i've gotten plenty from others here.  definitely lifesavers.

hope, thanks for your happiness for me.  it's so nice to be surrounded by people who are glad when something goes right for someone else instead of being jealous and/or bitter.  what a nice change.

a friend just went thru a messy divorce, and afterwards she phoned her ex and read him the riot act, just blasted him for hours over a period of 3 days.  she said she got everything out and feels so much better for it.

it got me to wondering.  i've confronted hubs 1 and 3, got a lot of crap out that i was holding inside, but have never done that for hub 2.  at the time stuff blew up, i mentioned wanting to do that, but hub 3 talked me out of it.  now i wonder if that had been a mistake.

i read about someone else here who confronted an abuser, did it honestly, in a non-toxic manner.  i have so much anger and hatred toward my ex, and unfortunately, no amount of pounding or writing has changed that.  i'm thinking that i need to hear a true, heartfelt apology from him for what he's done ( he's made many apologies, i call them faux apologies, because he's never actually held himself accountable for what he did, never showed remorse for doing it, would say 'i'm sorry you're feeling that way' kind of thing.   

so, i'm wondering if i need to blast him personally (well, via email or over the phone), confront him.  he's been the one i've protected the most - our whole family has - out of either keeping his fragile ego intact or fear of what he might do in reciprocation.   he has always hated himself to his depths, and i've always tried to ease that for him.

but i'm suffering, continuing to suffer in my mind cuz of not just letting him have it straight from the hip.  besides being a narcissistic misogynist and all that has entailed, he's also a sex addict that has never admitted to having a problem which had spilled over into our marriage and to our daughters.   he's been in therapy for years, but has never admitted his true persona to any of the therapists.  like he told me 'i'm a great liar'.

this just keeps scraping a thorn across my innards, so i know it's not helping me to keep it in.  hub 3 told me, when i first brought this up a few years ago - why do you want to tear the guy to shreds?  what good will that do?'  i certainly did and didn't want to tear him to shreds - part of me wanted him to suffer as he made me suffer, but part of me does not want to willfully hurt someone.

so, a quandary for right now.  any thoughts are appreciated.  i don't know if i can be honest while staying non-toxic, tho.  the anger and hatred are running pretty deep, and it's been 2 1/2 yrs. since i last had contact with him.  i just don't know.

on top of that it occurred to me that the mr. is coming to visit next week, and it will probably be on one of the days my hub normally calls.  so, this is now gonna get sticky.  my hub has told me several times that if i could find a man to take care of me he'd be really happy about it.  ok,  that's good.

but, i also know that he's in a very bad place, was shattered when i left, and i'm a big part of him hanging on.  i know he's not my responsibility, but i feel that it's important to be there for him, and i want to do that for him as well.  he's a good guy, did his best for many years taking care of his sick wife, but it just didn't work out in the end.  i guess i feel beholden to him cuz we both saved each others' live (he was a junkie for 30 yrs. got into recovery and stayed sober in order to make a life with me).  it makes for a very strong bond.

funnily enough, the mr. has also quit drinking cuz he wants me in his life - that was his initial reason for stopping - i'd told him that i didn't drink, was in recovery, and i didn't do drunk anymore.  he's got about 3 mos. sober now, and i'm even hearing him speak to being a wino and an alcoholic, so he's taking it seriously, seeing his behaviors for what they really were.  that's a good thing.

anyway, i'm seeing a future of excuses to my hub as to why i can't take his calls all the time on our designated days.  don't know quite how to deal with that one yet, either.  little bit of a mind-gluck i'm putting myself thru right now.  always something.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: kdke on July 24, 2018, 03:00:48 PM
Hi, San~

I can relate so much to the feeling of wanting someone to suffer as much as you have, but not wanting to actually cause injury. I dealt with something similar towards the end of living with my ex-roommates (who will forever remain exes, no matter what happens). It was a terrible situation where I was fighting with one of them (Emily), then decided I wasn't going to take it anymore and went to my best friend's place for a week.

Well... Emily didn't like this at all and went on a tirade off and on during my absence, freaking out at home and sending me toxic messages; telling me she didn't even care enough about me anymore to resent me, to saying that she only felt the way she did because of my actions and my "irrational narratives." Pretty much showing her true colors of someone who has no control over her emotions and can't take responsibility for her choices.

It eventually all came to head after almost another week, at which point we all just had to compromise and try to get along. But once I got back into school, I had a horrible rage build up inside me as time went on. I felt so wronged, so injured by Emily, that I wanted her to know how it felt. Lucky for me, I have a very patient and empathetic college counselor who listened to me rage about Emily for almost half an hour lol! "I wanna go home and burn everything she cares about! I hate her!" So on and so forth.

As I kept talking about it, I started to acknowledge my own hand in the situation, and then came up with a realization: I had to be willing to move forward and know I can only find catharsis in talking about it with other people. There's no point in me talking to Emily about it because it would just turn into two monkies flinging dung at each other lol. We got too much beef, too many hurt feelings, and like I said--she is in a place where she can't be asked to own her choices. She's always a victim, and she would expect me to take it or leave it. So I leave it, and I leave her. For good. Good riddance.

In that, too, did I need to understand that I wasn't someone who could be a helpful friend to her no matter how much I tried; because in some ways, her and my anxieties manifest in the same ways, and therefore we just end up amplifying each other's struggles. Estas tre malbona. That and we trigger each other horribly due to our different perspectives, our life choices, and even our relationship choices. It's futile, and that's something I've also had to come to terms with.

I still feel resentful, but it's not as strong as it used to be. I know my stress levels are high right now, though, because I keep having dreams of telling her off lol! My shadow craves revenge, but dreaming about it is as close as she'll ever get. I have to move on, acknowledge that it was a cruddy time with lots of cruddy decisions, and learn from it. I may always feel some hurt and anger over it, but I wonder if it's kind of like grief in a way, because that time in my life was pretty traumatic for everyone involved. So like grief, I wonder if the pain never truly goes away, it just gets easier to manage.

:hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on July 24, 2018, 04:00:55 PM
Sweet San,
If confronting hub #2 is what you need to do to get some of that toxicity out of you... do it! 

My suggestion would be to write him a letter.  You can rewrite it as many times as you like, and you don't have to send it if you change your mind.

You are not going to believe this but as I am typing, a butterfly just landed on my knee.  I think it's a sign San! The universe says you need to heal yourself in order to fly.  You got this butterfly  :bigwink:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on July 24, 2018, 04:31:55 PM
Hi San, I'm sorry I haven't commented so often recently. But I've been reading.

I think that you need to find out what you need to do for you. If it aligns with your true values to confront no.2, and you believe that it will help you diminish the rage and hurt that you feel - then I also would suggest that you do so. You can write letters and e-mails to him, without sending it and re-read them and see if what you're writing is coming from your core and not anger (I mean this in the sense that quite often we all have tendencies to say mean and ugly things we do not believe in when we're angry because we can't controll it). And the reason I mean you should make sure its your core saying this, is that it might hurt you in the long run if you say something that wasn't true to you. Your anger and hatred is reasonable, it is understandable. He ruined so much for you, and for your daughters. His actions had consequences that were enormous in your life. What he did is not okay.

It was a little tricky for me to explain what I'm trying to say: I hope you understand that I'm not trying to devaluate your anger. I am just thinking that maybe it'll be better if you decide to talk to him, or not talk to him - based on what rings true to you. Not what others do or tell you to do. Regardless of what you want to do in this matter. I'm here, supporting you! You are wonderful, and you have worked so hard for so many countless years. I hope you will find some peace within you.  :hug: :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 26, 2018, 01:48:15 PM
thank you very much kdke, deep blue, and sceal for your opinions and observations.

kdke, i completely understand what you're saying and why.  i think one difference here is that i'm not looking to fix anything or for any kind of reconciliation, nor am i looking to get into any argument about anything. (not saying that was your intention, either).  i'm just looking to get these horrible feeling out of me and put the crud in my mind toward him, which is where it belonged in the first place.  i also don't want to do this to make him suffer, per se - that's not my intent - but rather to say all the things i should've said at the time it came up that i wasn't capable of saying.

deep blue,  thank you for that encouragement.  i truly appreciate it, and it helped me move forward.  it feels like the right thing to do, and you validated that and i appreciate it.

sceal, i completely understood what you said about not coming from a place of anger, cuz angry words aren't necessarily true to our core beings.  so very right.  actually, it's not so much anger any more as it is hate, an emotion i haven't had a lot of experience expressing.  i really hate what he did, and he disgusts me at the same time for some of what he put both my d's and me thru.  so, thank you very much for that reminder and explanation.  it rang true all the way through.

i did write an email, did a revision today.  it's quite calm, very little swearing, but the hate and disgust came pouring thru.  still, i don't feel bad about putting either of those in there.  they are true, real, and i believe that it's ok to let him know it's how i feel.  i don't want to make him feel bad, but do want to get it out of me.  if i'd had the capability of saying those things at the time, i would have.

the email is still sitting, waiting.  i had blocked him, and i want to unblock him in case he responds.  i have little hope of that, and, again, not doing this for that reason.  it was good to type it, and i believe it will have differing emotions attached if/when i send it.  some fear, cuz  he was the one i protected so profoundly over the years, and this is bringing everything to the light.

some of it will be 'glad' i believe - glad to finally be true to me with him.  i've been living a lie with him for so long, so there may be some relief as well.  and it feels good to put the truth to him finally, to stand up for myself and my daughters (i wrote to keep his hands and head off my d's, that there are a million women to lust after, and that it makes my skin crawl when i think of him hugging either one of them because of what he might be thinking when he touches either one).

mostly, i think this will feel like it's been a long time coming, i'm done protecting the wrongdoers, and have finally been healed enough to put them in their rightful places.  i may have to do this with my eldest d some day, but i don't feel like that's a necessity.  for one thing, i don't hate her.  i'm just sad i lost her and there's no getting her back.

him, i'm not looking to get back, just want to release what can be hurting me, and placing it in the right direction for once.  finally. 

thank you for helping me with this, all of you.  it feels right, good, and true.  i'm exhausted now, tho, so off to the porch for the rest of the day.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on July 26, 2018, 11:51:22 PM
San,
I think you are taking huge strides here.  Breaking out of that lie you were forced to live is so brave.  You are incredible sweetie  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on July 27, 2018, 06:09:06 AM
Phew! I'm so glad you understood what I was trying to get at! I was a little nervous that I was overstepping my boundaries.  :hug:

I'm happy for you that you've written the e-mail and revised it, and are still waiting to send it. It's wonderful too that you're feeling strong to stand up for what you believe in, and to follow your values.  :cheer: That's truly wonderful!
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 29, 2018, 02:40:19 PM
deep blue, thank you so much for that vote of confidence and your kind words.  so very much appreciated.  they really help give me strength.

sceal,, love that cheer.  it really does feel like a victory of sorts.  and, no, you never came near to overstepping any boundaries.  i welcome your thoughts, opinions, and insights.  they're very valuable to me, helpful for me to keep going.  i'm grateful that you were able to write what you wanted to say - i always appreciate honesty.

so, man stuff.  the email to my ex - still not sent, nor thought about very much.  i have noticed that my d can talk about her father a bit more freely now and i don't feel such a horrible reaction within me.

my hub is struggling terrible. he got a job offer, it sounded like just what he wanted, he gave his notice, then found out that they expected him to also do stuff that he's physically incapable of doing.  he had to go back to his other job, got terribly depressed.  i feel so bad for him.   he's nearly ready to give up, stand with his crutches and beg on the corner.  he wants to quit working for those ugly gringos tho, as a priority.  he's had it with them.  i can't stand them. 

and the  mr. (thank you, sceal) has been quite attentive.  we talk nearly every day, he's made it clear that he wants me in his life, and i'm still nervous about it.  my d doesn't trust him at all.  she also doesn't feel comfy letting him stay overnite - has not reconciled herself to having a sexually active mother yet, at least not under the same roof. 

i explained that to him, he's willing to wait or go to a motel if we want to spend the night together.  that's if he ever gets here.  this does seem to be a case of 'absence makes the heart grow fonder', but his work schedule may be getting changed and he doesn't know for sure what that might mean.

so, he's got a lot on his mind, including some physical issues that could cost him his job if they don't get rectified.  plus, having a woman in his life at this point is something he totally didn't expect.  but, he's making me laugh, he doesn't seem so uptight, he's still not drinking and glad of that, he's changing his diet - lots of changes for someone who's been set in his ways.

my d said to me the other day about how tension-filled that house was where i'd been living.  he still lives there, mostly cuz it's reasonable, and to help his mother out financially.  but i've seen her humiliate him in front of people, put him down, and he can feel from her the disappointment in him (her other som became somewhat of a 'star').  he's wounded, damaged, all that rot by women, as i am by men.  i'm just hoping we can help each other with that.

he seems to be a very nice man under all that - i've heard him interact with people at work - has shown me a very gentlemanly side, and has let some vulnerability out.  he gives me a lot of credit for helping him stopping drinking, and even speaks about being an alcoholic, which he vehemently denied in the past.  lots of pos. signs.

i know he has a lot of anger, and he is prone to yelling at other drivers thru the windshield.   than there was his nasty meltdown, which i told my d about, and which makes her very apprehensive about him being around me.   i'm taking all this into consideration, and i want it to work, but i'm also holding myself back at the same time from getting to excited about anything.  i'm afraid that he's going to get scared again that this is too good to be true (what happened before) and bail.  we can only wait and see, but he's got some proving of himself to do first, including allowing me to talk frankly about it and him taking it.  yeah, we'll see.

yesterday my back was so bad i was on meds all day.  better today, clearer headed, which feels good.  sometimes it seems that i have to just blank out a day, numb my mind so that my body can relax a bit more - i'm still full of tension most all the time - and that helps make my back feel better.  i don't know that this will ever end, but so be it.  at this point in my life, it is what it is.  not fighting it seems to be helpful. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on July 29, 2018, 03:04:54 PM
I am glad to hear all of that positive new, my dear.  :hug: Really sounds like a lot of positive things starting to come in with the new living situation. I can understand why your daughter is a little apprehensive, and as he proves himself to you and her I am sure her concerns will diminish some too. She probably knows enough about how men have hurt you in the past and cares enough to not want it to happen again. It is sweet of her in that way.

I do wish your hub the best too. That situation sounds awful and no one should be stuck in it.

Take the breaks for your back and body as you need to. I can imagine that is really difficult, but I am glad you are doing it. Hope today continues to feel better for you!  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 29, 2018, 07:24:38 PM
thanks, sweetie.  that bit about my d was exactly what i needed to hear today.  timing is everything.  she's very cool whenever i mention anything about the mr., and i've been wanting to force the issue (gain some control, i think).  so, what you said is helping me stay back, let it be for now.

yes, she does know what men have done to me in the past, and above all does not want that to happen to me again, especially since the mr. already exploded on me and hurt me with that.  i guess the upside of him is what i want, maybe too much, cuz it's fun and stimulating.  don't know for sure yet if it's comfortable.

ooooh, that just came out.  still rather uncomfy.  still a bit stresssful.  still a bit anxiety-producing cuz i'm not sure if i'll say something that will set him off.  ok, good to know.  i know i need to talk to him about that, but i'd rather do it face to face.  don't know when that will happen. 

this whole thing is so up in the air, it's got me jumpy.  i don't want to be stressed about it.  it's the last thing i need.  patience, grounding, ems all needed for this.  security within myself.  why would i be afraid to lose someone who scares me?  just go slow, one step at a time, these are different circumstances, we're not living in the same place anymore.  am i reaching for pipe dreams?  something to keep in mind, i guess.

i just love the feeling of being special to someone who i can touch every so often, share that same space with on occasion, do things with.  this seems like a chance for that, and i don't want to miss it if it could be real.  dang, it sounds needy.  but, maybe i am.  it would be great to have a man who makes me feel like a queen, is a friend, and is willing to do the hard work.  don't know if that's possible.  patience, san, patience.

my needy baby greedy baby wants it all and wants it NOW!!!  maybe it's cuz i've never had that - daddy issues.  so,  adult san, who is super strong and independent shows her vulnerable side, and it's soft and mushy and demanding.  whew. 

just writing this out, see what spills over.  i didn't expect this.  maybe i'm not as independent as i thought.  i know that when i have a man in my life, there is another person who shines within me.  i know i'm loved by my hub, but that feels different - i've left him behind.  this is new, exciting, an adventure.  i bring the stress in when it doesn't have to be there.

i don't know.  patience.  it will work out one way or another in the end, and whichever way it goes, i'll deal with it.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on July 29, 2018, 07:37:19 PM
Sweet San,
That doesn't sound needy at all! We, as humans, crave companionship.  It's normal for us to want someone to care, lend a hand, lend an ear. 

That's part of what this forum is for right? Let it spill over as much as you need.  You are such a strong woman. Maybe I'm needy? I need more people like you in my life.  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 29, 2018, 10:08:26 PM
my dearest deep blue, thank you for that.  it was very reassuring.  i think i'm just confused about it right now because of what went on before, and this feels like starting over with baggage between us.  i don't exactly know what to do with that.  which is probably a big part of this - i don't know how to 'be' in such a situation. 

maybe part of this is that so much of this is new - new place to live, living with my d, have only left my hub a little over a year ago, living in that tension-filled house for over a year, surgery, so many doc appts. . . .  maybe i'm still riled up, all the silt hasn't settled in the bottom of my jar of pond water yet.  it's still a bit murky to my system.  the whole of it.

and now the possibility of a new man in my life in a long-distance (kind of) relationship.  that's different, too.  sometimes i don't realize how much i've crammed into my life until i write it out.  plus i'm dealing with going on 71 - i'll formally be in my 70's in less than 3 mos.  that's a kick in the pants, too.   

deep blue, i need more people like you in my life as well.  thank you for being you.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on July 30, 2018, 12:00:30 AM
That many new things can seem very daunting for sure.  Deep breaths and baby steps with each of them k?
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on July 30, 2018, 05:28:51 AM
I think you have come to a very true conclusion, San-dear.

Quotemaybe part of this is that so much of this is new - new place to live, living with my d, have only left my hub a little over a year ago, living in that tension-filled house for over a year, surgery, so many doc appts. . . .  maybe i'm still riled up, all the silt hasn't settled in the bottom of my jar of pond water yet.  it's still a bit murky to my system.  the whole of it.

It's sometimes easy to think that "but I should be over the surgery, it happened months ago. My body has healed", "I got out of that toxic house", etc. but, each of these had a huge impact on your everyday life and your emotional life. It's no wonder it will take time before all the riles will calm down properly.  :hug: Don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing wonderfully!

QuoteYou are such a strong woman. Maybe I'm needy? I need more people like you in my life.
If you guys are being needy, then I am too. Because I find you both incredible important!  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on July 30, 2018, 01:10:37 PM
I am glad that what I said about your daughter helped. Having seen a situation like this I had some insight, just glad it was at all helpful. You are doing great, even if you don't always feel like it. Remembering the ems is there with you is huge, I still forget when I need her most.

As far as being needy, I truly don't think you are. Also if you are needy, so what? I got told from someone much wiser than me, that the right person won't find you needy nor do you ever need to feel like needing something is a bad thing. Your feelings are valid and important, even if that means you feel like you need something or someone. That is okay. That feeling deserves to be heard and met as well (obviously within reason, but you sound very reasonable). Don't be afraid to honor some of that neediness, it is just telling you what you want and what feels right at this juncture.

Sending lots of love my dear  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Andyman73 on July 30, 2018, 06:31:51 PM
Hellllooooooooo San!!!  :heythere: :wave: ;D :hug:
As for being needy...one thing you don't need...is having to worry about if you say something that might set "mr" off again.  Nobody needs that worry in their lives, at all. I know he seems wonderful and all...but there was that explosive outburst.
You are such an amazing and wonderful lady...and you deserve a man who will give you all the space you need, to be you, all of you, and love you unconditionally.
After 21 years of my abusive wife...I know I wouldn't be able to handle another who has any kind of tendencies towards abuse. I am just not strong enough for that anymore.

It's human to need loving kind interaction with someone special, who makes you feel special. WE all need and want that. You certainly deserve that! And I know your d wants you to be loved and cared for by a man who loves you with his whole being.  You are worthy!
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on July 30, 2018, 11:08:09 PM
you people are incredible.  can't respond properly right now, but you're all so important to me, what you said brought tears to my eyes.  thank you.  i'm stunned. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 01, 2018, 01:32:37 AM
very tired today.  going to spend some time on the porch.  i'm spent.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 01, 2018, 01:32:05 PM
more porch time.  too much pain. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Snookiebookie on August 01, 2018, 03:58:40 PM
Hi San

Sending you love and peace x

Hope you feel calmer and happier soon x

:hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: kdke on August 01, 2018, 06:07:15 PM
Hi San~

I know I don't say much in anyone's journals; I lurk and just see where everyone's at. I wanted to say how much I appreciate you and am grateful for you. You're wise and compassionate, and I admire how thoughtful you are. I hope that having your porch time will help you and make you feel better. We all need that porch time, it seems. Just know we're here for you and will be waiting patiently. Take care.

:grouphug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on August 01, 2018, 09:49:35 PM
I hope you are doing ok today.  Sorry you are in pain. Take care and let us know if we can help  :grouphug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 02, 2018, 12:52:38 PM
snook, porch time really helped.  i'm still tired today but i'm feeling better.  thank you.  you are a sweetheart.

kdke, thanks for stopping in.  i loved hearing from you, and thank you for all those kind words.  they and you mean a great deal to me. 

deep blue, as always.  you've helped already.  so good to know you and everyone else are there.  it really helps.  thank you.

just an update on the man stuff - i decided that i wasn't going to let my fears and apprehension dictate how i am and what i do.  i wanted to do a shrinking violet act, but that would be in response to the fear, and i don't want to live like that in any capacity, especially in a relationship.  that's really not me.

so, i called him at work, he didn't answer, i had a hard time falling asleep, preparing myself for this to be over.  i woke up early, and he'd called back while i was asleep.  told me to call him when i woke up, and i did.  him coming to visit is still up in the air, altho he assures me it's gonna happen. 

so, i'm continuing to learn about him, about me, about me with him.  it's a very different dynamic than i'm used to, which is a lot of why i'm struggling with this.  plus our short bit of history, which ended up in flames, then smoothed out again in a more friend-type capacity.  this is one relationship i haven't been familiar with, so i'm having trouble knowing what to do and how to do it.

i'm working on just being my sassy self while keeping my limitations and boundaries in mind.  it does take some work, tho.  trying to install a new relationship with wounds and damage is more difficult than i thought.  it trips me up at times.  i guess i'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  we'll see where it goes.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on August 02, 2018, 01:14:49 PM
I am glad you're being aware of your boundaries and limitations, and are using them in this new relationship with the Mr.
I hope it goes well for you, and that it turns out to be something worth keeping on to. One careful step at a time, maybe.

:hug: to you, and your wonderfulness!
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 02, 2018, 07:44:00 PM
you are a darling, sceal.  thank you so.

still very tired today.  can barely think.

talked with my d about the mr. (thank you, sceal) again.  she's completely skittish, doesn't trust him, wants to get to know him before she'd feel comfy with him staying over.  wants to know that he's stable, that she can get that feeling from him.  i don't know if that's possible cuz he speaks his thoughts but doesn't necessarily act on them.

i'm feeling drained by this now.  like it's too much of a hassle.  gotta take a shower, maybe snooze the rest of the day away. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on August 02, 2018, 09:08:51 PM
It sounds hard to be in the middle of two people who you care about and whom both want to be with you, but there are the added trust issues.
Perhaps you D will be more at ease once she sees you and the Mr together? She also at some point just have to accept her mom has Needs too. Respect for her boundary around your home is important, but her respecting your choices is also important.
Just saying :)  :hug:

Maybe a first small step is lunch or dinner together away from home? Something casual.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Hope67 on August 04, 2018, 08:46:44 AM
Hi SanMagic,
I know you were feeling very tired when you last wrote here, so I hope very much that you are ok, and wishing you a relaxing day to re-charge your batteries - the thing is that your D has those concerns, but basically you can't really reassure her - not easily - but like Sceal says - maybe if she sees how you and Mr interact and she 'gets to know him' then maybe over time she'll be reassured that you're with a good guy - or at least by then - both of you will have a better idea of where things are going - and I wish you the best with your relationship - and hope it turns out well.  But a step at a time, that's sensible.   :hug: to you, SanMagic.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 06, 2018, 02:31:45 PM
sceal, i thought your suggestions and opinions were wonderful.  thank you so much.  i think you may be right, that she needs to feel the 'vibes' from him, which are really different now.  she'd just heard about what happened, but that was really circumstantial and situational - heavier on the situational part.  he's being quite patient about it, actually, which i couldn't see him doing before.  and i think the lunch thing sounds really good.  in fact, she'd suggested that as well.

i think it'll also help for her to see his reaction to where we are.  he's a biologist, knows a lot about the flora and fauna around here, and loves the forest, so i think that'll be a very good thing.  we'll see.

and, hope, thank you for your well wishes.  i have gotten drained this past week, don't have the energy to write to anyone here yet.  am still tired, but don't feel quite as drained.  it'll take a bit of time, i think, to get fully back.  till then, i'm just gonna lay low.  your hugs are always appreciated.

i did manage to walk to the ocean this morning, which was great, and picked some wildflowers for our 'library' - just the entranceway where we decided to put our books and bookcases.   the sound of the ocean has turned out to be very grounding for me.  i'm hearing it thru my window right now, and i just love it.

i'm looking forward to the day when we'll be able to afford plants for indoors.  i haven't had indoor plants for 20 yrs. or so, and i do miss them.  my d has a couple, but i want lots.  in the meantime, i've been stocking our rooms with dried and cut wildflowers/weeds.  that's pretty good, too, to me.  i like being surrounded by the outdoors inside.

the mr. (thank you, sceal) has been passing all my 'tests' with flying colors so far.  i'm not really testing him; more like gathering info on his reactions to what's being said, comparing them to how he's acted in the past.  so far, actually, so good.  i've been a bit surprised at times, but i've noticed that my fear has dissipated, and i think that's a good sign. 

he also seems to be more comfortable interacting with me.  i know he's got mommy issues, has been burned by women in his past, but even he's noted that his comfort level is right up there with me.  a good thing.  so, as you lovely ladies pointed out, a step at a time.  we'll see if and where this ends up going.  so far, i'm liking the direction.  i just have to get my own anxiety issues under control, reel them in.  i think it'll smooth out eventually.  i hope so.  i'm feeling like a 16-yr. old trying to get a boyfriend, both the ups and downs of it.  it's an adventure.

as far as my d goes in all this, i'm seeing a lot more about her than i knew before, and it's very interesting.  i thought she was more easy going than she actually is.  that's been a surprise in a way.  little personality scrapes between the two of us every so often.  still in the learning phase.

ooooh, i'm tired now.  off to the porch to snooze the day away.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Blueberry on August 06, 2018, 09:36:43 PM
have good  :zzz: :zzz: :zzz: on the Porch san!

Sounds great: ocean, flowers among your bookcases, and ideas on setting up. Step by step....  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on August 08, 2018, 10:01:24 AM
I'm sending you a hug, San.

I was thinking, perhaps you are so tired these days because you are settling into a new life that might be better for you. And your body is allowing itself the rest it needs? Whenever I go to the cabin I usually get so tired and worn out I don't have the strenght to do all the things I planned to do. Because finally I can rest.

I hope you're doing alright!  :bighug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 08, 2018, 03:17:13 PM
thanks for the well wishes, blueberry.  i did do a lot of snoozing, and it really is lovely here.

sceal, you may have hit on something.  the stress of living in that house is gone, so it feels like i don't have to be on guard all the time against it.  therefore, my body/brain/mind can relax somewhat.  dang, girl, looks like you've got my number!

was too tired to walk where we planned yesterday, so another day 'off'.  we're going to do a partial today, then the big walk on thurs. to get bread from the food bank.  we can get unlimited bread there, which is nice.  will be getting a ride home from there when we do a full-on trip next week.

still too tired to think much, so i'm not much good here yet.  can't bend my brain around others' problems very much right now.  i know it's best to listen to me first, so i'm doing that.  this lack of energy feels weird, doesn't feel like it used to.  it's different.  my d and i began lifting weights, we're doing well with that.  maybe it's just that i'm getting a lot more physical exercise than i have had in years.  i did sleep till the sun was up this morning, which is unusual.

at any rate, i wish i could be more here for others, but it's just not happening right now.  you're all in my prayers, tho, and in my heart.  i think this is part of a redefinition phase, relocation, setting up workshops again - just lots of different things that are new yet.  resettling into what is and leaving what was behind.  transition. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Wattlebird on August 09, 2018, 12:39:33 AM
Your right to look after yourself,  :hug:
Take care, I'm not too good at this stuff but wanted to send you some encouragement
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 09, 2018, 01:07:35 PM
wattlebird, thank you so.  you were just right at 'this stuff'.  i appreciate your encouragement and hug.

well, my jaw is swollen today, i'm in pain since yesterday.  a recurring thing - instead of gall or kidney stones, i get stones in the tube connected to my salivary gland.  this is about the 5th or 6th time.  ibuprofen doesn't do much, doc can't do anything.  from what i've read, the only thing to do is wait till it passes thru and out, or get surgery if it happens too often. 

so, once again, i love you all, but can't help out.  hopefully this will only take 2-4 days to be gone.  ugh.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on August 09, 2018, 04:03:22 PM
Sending all the healing and love your way that I can. I hope it passes quickly.  :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 10, 2018, 01:51:35 PM
thanks, my dearest el.  i'm feeling better today.  did more research yesterday, and this possibly happened cuz of my increased walking, increased sweating, but i didn't up the intake of water to compensate.  something to keep in mind.  i really don't want to go thru this again.

still tired.  it's been a long week.  feeling a bit more settled, tho, every day.  i'm glad of that.  little by little.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on August 10, 2018, 02:32:43 PM
I am glad to hear you are feeling better today. Still rest as dehydration is a doosy  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 13, 2018, 02:14:40 PM
doing ok.  still involved with the mr. - that seems to be my focus right now.  he seems to be coming out from behind his wall a bit more every time we speak.  we're looking to seeing each other next mon.  don't know if that will be awkward or not, but it feels like it will be joyful just to see each other's smiles.

some of the awkwardness of this is cuz my d is grieving the loss of her soulmate and best friend.  i don't want to flaunt a lot of the mr. and me and how glad we'll be to be together in her face - she's pretty fragile right now, had a big, sad talk with her ex last nite.  it's hard for me as her mom to have to see her in such pain. 

on the other hand, i'm feeling spurts of happy, even joy for what's going on with me.  it's a rather strange situation to be in.

on another note, i noticed again this morning that my body is still filled with tension, even as i sit here typing.  i still can't physically relax.  that's kind of frustrating.  i've been tensed up (3roses called it 'armored up') for so long that i don't know how to unwind it.  at this point massages don't help cuz they hurt too much.

one night my d was going to massage my foot cuz the tendons on the top of it were sore from walking.  i had been rubbing them - very tender and painful.  she offered to do that for me as a lovely gift, yet when i moved my foot toward her, i felt myself tense up really tightly against the pain i knew i'd feel.  i had to turn her down.  it sucks when something needed and wanted, even welcomed, has to be pushed aside because it will hurt too much.  that's just not right.

for the most part, tho, i'm doing pretty good.  some of my jitters about the mr. are calming down altho i feel a little giddy, like a 16-yr. old about the whole thing.  it's all feeling odd.  he's making some changes that are amazing me, but feeling good at the same time.  it's a different world. 

at this age, this may be my last chance, and i'm going for it.  if it doesn't work, it won't be for lack of trying.  that's all i can ask of myself - go for it.  so, i am.  at least i won't regret not giving it a shot, not giving him a second chance to make things right between us.  this has been stressful, tho, i'll admit that.  i hope it'll be worth it.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Hope67 on August 13, 2018, 03:18:40 PM
Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 13, 2018, 02:14:40 PM
i'm going for it.  if it doesn't work, it won't be for lack of trying.  that's all i can ask of myself - go for it.  so, i am.  at least i won't regret not giving it a shot, not giving him a second chance to make things right between us.  this has been stressful, tho, i'll admit that.  i hope it'll be worth it.

Hi SanMagic,
I hope you have a lovely time with Mr, and that it all goes well.   :hug: to you.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 13, 2018, 09:29:19 PM
thanks hope, very much.  we'll just have to see how it goes.

got 'permission' from my d today (reluctantly, in an 'i don't care anymore, mom' fashion) that he can stay over when he comes.  i'll let him know tonite.  so, i don't know if we'll still go camping or not - part of me actually wants to yet cuz i think it would be fun.  still, having bathroom amenities available doesn't sound bad, either.  another, 'we'll see.'

we're having a buttload of people staying with us, beginning thurs., none of whom i know.  my d's thing is my being sexual.  she said she'd wear her earphones while he was here, stay in her room.  well, i think we'll be able to sort some of that out - i don't want her to feel like that, either.  i didn't realize this would be so convoluted.  i guess i've had so many different experiences in this area that she hasn't had, it's pretty weird for her.  hopefully, it will work out well and this can all be put aside in a pos. way.  ugh.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 15, 2018, 12:11:16 PM
my d and i had a long talk about what went down between her and me, and the results were surprising and eye-opening.  she told me she felt like i've been pushing on her to let him stay over, thought that i was angry with her and made her feel like she's been the bad guy when originally when we talked about it and she felt uncomfy with him staying over cuz she didn't know him i had agreed to let her take her time till she was comfortable.

then i continued to push the subject against that agreement, and what was up with that?  she told me she thought there was some anger in me over this, and i said that she'd probably know better if i was angry than i would (the alexithymia thing).  then, i dug deep, admitted that there had been something sticking into me, couldn't acknowledge it or recognize what it was.

finally, it came out.  i was feeling mad that it felt like i couldn't make decisions about who i could have here, in the place where i lived, and i didn't like it.  then the tears came and i knew i'd just outed another truth.  she hugged me, told me she loved me, than said that she understands how that 'pushing' could've been my defenses against what again felt like rules that were enforced upon me, keeping me from doing what i wanted, and that i'd gone thru that a lot.

2 of the most recent examples were cultural restrictions on being a mexican wife - where i could go on my own, who i could be seen with or have lunch with or invite into my home, stuff like that -, and the house i was living in with the landlady who was intrusive, had strict rules about all kinds of stuff (altho she didn't always follow them herself), and the ensuing tension.

my d told me she knew that it would take time for me to realize what a healthy relationship felt like - dang, it's been so long since i've had one, besides with her, and she and i have worked hard and long to get it that way - and i said this kind of thing made me realize - again - how damaged i am, and how sorry i am to put it on her like this.  it was so emotional, but my truth was outed, and we felt closer afterward.

dang and a half - this crapola can be really difficult at times.  but, glad it came out.

me and the mr. (thank you, sceal) seem to be rolling right along, in a very good way.  we both agreed it's becoming easier.  he even talked about me being his girlfriend, which is kinda fun, but feels strange at the same time cuz i'm so old!  still, i guess it's a way to define that this relationship has moved up a level.  more than friends with benefits kind of thing, so that feels ok.  it's hard to get used to, tho.  i haven't been a girlfriend in a long time.  a little giggly, like back to being 16. 

so, i talked to him about my talk with my d, and we'll not be staying at the house this visit, but the 3 of us will go out to lunch together, see how that goes.  that'll be next mon. 

in the meantime, beginning tomorrow, we'll be having overnight guests thru the weekend.  today is housecleaning day to get ready.  they're all friends of my d's, so i'll be pretty much on the sidelines, which is fine with me.  we've been running so much since we moved in, i'll be glad for a few days off, time to myself.  they'll all have fun, i have no doubt.  until mon., when it'll be my turn.  really looking forward to it.  o my.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 16, 2018, 11:25:25 AM
very tired again today.  my sleep has been majorly messed with 2 nites in a row, and i feel pretty awful.  going to lay low the rest of the day now.  company's coming today.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on August 16, 2018, 01:39:47 PM
Sending a big warm embrace, and one of my favorite soft blankets. It is perfect for rest of any sort and I have it all set with tons of calming and healing energy  :hug:

Lots of love to you always
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Hope67 on August 16, 2018, 06:35:57 PM
Hi SanMagic,
Wishing you a calm and restful sleep and hope that you are enjoying that wonderful soft blanket that kind Elpha has brought.  Lovely calming and healing energy - I can feel it radiating here - lovely. 
Hope  :)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Andyman73 on August 17, 2018, 09:14:03 PM
Dearest San,
Been a while. Sorry for my absence. Found out, right after last I was here, that my grandma is dying. End stage liver disease AND liver cancer(both), and a few other things too. Doctors gave her 2 months...which would be end of September. And if so, she'll be 89 on Sept, 10th. (9/10). 

This has thrown me for a loop! Not so much her impending passing, as much as how it's effecting everything within me. So I been all out of sorts lately. IT's been making me dissociate a lot...and everything seems to be distracting me at every turn. Almost like keeping me away from here...could even be a bit of a defense mechanism?

Hope you continue regaining your rest and strenght, my dearest Freind.

Lots of love and hugs for you :hug: :bighug: :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 20, 2018, 02:16:14 PM
el, hope, and andy - thank you so much.  you all mean the world to me.

just an update:  i was in the e.r. for stress-related symptoms which i originally thought were caused by CO poisoning, as the detector in my room would randomly start chirping since we moved in here.  the fire dept.  came to check the house - nothing here - but because i had some muscle pain in my chest, and my lungs were giving me some problems, (the CO test was neg.), they wanted to do a full cardio workup.

we got halfway thru (i got the ekg, it was fine), she tried to put a something in my vein, hit a nerve, had to take it out cuz i was in so much pain, when i realized this was from all the stress of getting this relationship off the ground and trying to negotiate between my d and the mr. about him sleeping here.

i'm ok - as soon as i realized it was all stress-related, i left the e.r. (a.m.a.), went home, and eventually talked to him about what went on and why.  it was a good talk, and i got the best sleep i've had in years that nite.  so, he's coming to visit today, and he told me i'm his best friend, and that he's scared all the time.  yep, he's got trauma in his background, too.

so, i was able to calm him somewhat so he could get some sleep before the 1 1/2 hr. drive to get here.  it put me at ease, oddly enough, when he shared his constant fear - it was like, ok, now i know what i'm dealing with, i know what this beast looks like and how to maneuver around it.  strangely comforting.  how weird is that.

we're excited to see each other, and i think we're going to have a lot of talking to do about stuff he's never dreamed that anyone else would understand.  i think it's going to be more than ok, and that we'll be able to help each other.   i know he's already helped me immensely in regaining a sense of being a desirable woman, (even at my age), and he's very intelligent but enjoys talking to me, so that's been affirmed for me as well.

plus, he's allowing some vulnerability with me, which i find refreshing.  that's new in my relationships for the most part.  at any rate, i think it'll go better than either of us thought, and will especially be surprising to him.  he can use a friend, and i'm happy to be in that role for him.  i'm able to use him for one as well, which is nice since i've pretty much gotten rid of everyone i'd held close to me.  too toxic, but it took me a long time to figure that out.

so, if he and i can keep talking, making those important adjustments necessary to every relationship, i think we'll be more than fine.  i'm looking forward to finding out.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Hope67 on August 20, 2018, 02:46:28 PM
Hi SanMagic,
This sounds wonderful - the part about you looking forward to spending your time with Mr - and I hope it goes really well.  Sorry to hear you were in the E.R. - but glad you're ok now, and I very much hope that you have a lovely time with your Mr.
:hug: to you SanMagic, and I am glad he sees you for the desirable and lovely woman that you are.
Hope  :)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on August 20, 2018, 05:30:39 PM
Sending lots of love your way :grouphug: I am so glad you got calmed down and talked with him. Things really seem to be going well for you two, even if rocky at times.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on August 20, 2018, 06:58:25 PM
Sweet San
I'm sorry to hear about the trip to the er.  I'm glad that you know the cause, but I hope you are taking care of yourself none the less.  As you know, that much stress can be very damaging to your health. 

You are strong and brave. So strong and brave that maybe you didn't realize how much stress you were under?  All that tiredness... could have been stress don't you think?

So much love sweetie
Deep Blue
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 23, 2018, 10:43:01 PM
hope, thanks for the well wishes.  i so do appreciate them.  you are so sweet and generous when it comes to that.

el, love the love and hugs - thank you.  and also for the good wishes for the two of us.

deep blue, i believe you were absolutely right about the amount of stress i was under and not realizing it at all.  it really felt like a push-pull between him and her, and i was caught in the middle trying to make it ok for everyone.  so i cracked.  but not broken.  thanks for all the love - it really helps.

just a short note cuz i'm s\till very tired.  my time with him was so very good, so much talking and laughing.  lunch with my d went well, but she's still on the fence.  i guess she just wants to make sure that it'll be ok for me.  no, he's not happy to hear about it - i think he'd come here every week if he could stay at the house.  i don't think i'm ready for that, tho. 

to be honest, i'm very tired from it all, just want time to recuperate and regroup.  but it went really well, better than i expected, actually.  we've decided to be an exclusive couple, which, to me, is a nice step.  otherwise, it's a day at a time.  we'll see what happens.  i'm smiling, tho.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on August 24, 2018, 12:20:38 AM
So glad it went well with the exclusive mr.   :bigwink:  wishing you a peaceful rest
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 25, 2018, 02:03:20 PM
thanks so much, deep blue.  i do think i'm returning to a bit more of the 'normal' routine.  sometimes it's difficult to figure out just how much this can affect me.   :fallingbricks:

it does feel good to have my routine back.  i need the rest more than i knew just to get back on kilter. 

that normalcy, along with the mr. are my 2 major concerns right now.  i have to admit that i've been feeling emotionally more stable in general lately.  i don't know for sure how much of that is a lack of emotions - that's still difficult for me to determine.

my d and i were watching a sitcom called 'the goldbergs', about a 'smother' mother who loves her kids too much at times.  we find it quite funny.  i'd mentioned that my own mother lived for her kids as well - she hated when school vacations came to an end and we wouldn't be at home all day.  in the sitcom, the mom is very much into kissing and hugging her kids (to their embarrassment), but my d pointed out that the sitcom mom was very physically involved with her kids, while it seemed like my mother just stood and watched.

i suddenly realized that she was exactly right.  the only touching i got from her was the occasional spanking, but hugs, other loving touches were entirely missing.  i've often felt that i have been touch deprived, even to the point that i'd have sex with someone just for the touch it provided.

another thing i did when i was drinking was to throw my arm around my friends at the bar.   my narc t told me that i did that because i was trying to provide something missing for them, (which she made to seem like that was a bad thing), but it just wasn't true.  i figured out later that it was a way to get happy touch for myself.

now i hug most everyone, even strangers when we're introduced.  i crave touch to this day.  i don't know that i'll ever get enough.  i think it's one of those bottomless pits that could never be filled no matter how much touching i'd receive.  my d only tolerates just so much, then she finds it uncomfy - but i think a lot of that is because she's told me that during our family madness, she always stayed as far away, didn't want attention, from us because she knew what we were going thru with her sister.

i do hug her spontaneously several times a day because i know that hugs are good for us physiologically by releasing endorphins and such, sending feel-good hormones throughout our system.  i do it for her, but also for myself.  she's wary of it with others, so is more isolated in that respect than i am.

at any rate, it was a big realization for me.  i've already figured out that my parents weren't there for me emotionally, but now i have other memories as well on the physical distance that was prevalent, even in times of distress.  again, not being aware of emotions, it may also be connected to the tears that spring to my eyes when i see signs of caring embracing between 2 people.  i had been deprived and grieving that 'never was' my entire life.  dang, this crapola sucks.  still.

Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Andyman73 on August 25, 2018, 11:59:22 PM
Oh San, I get it soooo much, I really  do!!! I have not once ever been in a relationship where there was a lot of loving touches like hugs and stuff. So I do get a little jelly when I see others who do have that.
I would love to have that. Maybe some day...
:hug: :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Hope67 on August 29, 2018, 08:00:18 AM
 :hug: :hug: :hug:
Sending you some more hugs, SanMagic.   
Hope  :)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 29, 2018, 02:14:09 PM
andy, my darling brother, thank you for the hugs.  i can always feel the strength of them.  i hope you find that consistent loving touch someday, too.

hope, you little sweetie, thank you - i always appreciate your hugs so much.  they're just so lovely, like you.

happily, the mr. loves touch, and, even tho we can't be together very much, when we are there is a lot of touch.  i think he craves it as much as i do.  it's coming along swimmingly, actually, and we're finding ways to get around my d's discomfort with my sexuality.  so far, so good.

she started doing some energy work on me - just a start in my neck - and it's nearly overwhelming how much crapola i've been holding in my body.  it know it's been there for ages, too.  slowly, slowly, i think that with her help i'll be able to release the toxins.  don't know if i'll get to all of them, but at least we've started, and it's been a good thing.

all in all, feeling pretty good today.  it's pleasurable to feel like this.  i wish it for everyone.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Blueberry on August 29, 2018, 03:47:28 PM
Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 29, 2018, 02:14:09 PM
happily, the mr. loves touch, and, even tho we can't be together very much, when we are there is a lot of touch.  i think he craves it as much as i do.  it's coming along swimmingly, actually, and we're finding ways to get around my d's discomfort with my sexuality.  so far, so good.
...
all in all, feeling pretty good today.  it's pleasurable to feel like this. 

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: for you! So glad you get to feel this way sometimes!
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 31, 2018, 04:26:48 PM
thanks for the cheers, blueberry.  it's so nice to have pos. feedback when i'm doing well rather than bitterness or envy.  boy, what a difference it makes.

i've discovered yet again how my damaged brain and background can get in the way of open communication in a relationship.  went another round with my d - she's very astute and can pick up on verbal nuances, hesitations, unsureness - anything less than straightforward.  so, we had another go-around yesterday where i couldn't get all the information needed out in one conversation, and we had to revisit it so i could add missing pieces.

it gets so frustrating, i felt so stupid.  i misinterpreted info she had given me, threw up defenses without even knowing it, had to back down once again and redo everything.  this was stuff that was about the mr. coming to visit at the end of next month and being able to stay over cuz she'll be gone overnight.  it ended up rather messy, me in tears, and just hating that i've been damaged to this extent.

she was kind and gentle with me (as was he when i told him about the change of plans) and noted that i do respond well to realizations (we went thru another topic a few weeks earlier) and have changed those things from before.  so, she believes that the idea of us talking this stuff out is beneficial to both of us and our relationship.

it's difficult cuz i have to reach down and drag those sticking points up to the surface with fear and trepidation as to what it might mean for our relationship - different than if i were working with a t.  happily, my d has been thru enough of her own therapy and changes that she is not judgmental, but she did express frustration that she gets the brunt of what others have done to me, and it's not fair.

i agreed with her.  i explained to her about amygdala hijacking, told her that for the most part i have no control over this stuff, but have hope that as time goes on w/o the stress and tension i was feeling before, these things will begin to minimize themselves because they'll discover they don't have to react in the same way.  it was quite emotional for both of us, difficult to have these conversations, but we're doing them. and i'm glad on one level, but honestly, it p's me off that this is even necessary, that i'm hurting people i care about.  that part sucks.

we walked to the store for ice cream later, and it was great. 

i also talked to the mr. this morning about some of it, and he responded better than i expected.  i feel like i'm more balanced now, which feels really good.  a little at a time . . .
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Three Roses on August 31, 2018, 04:52:16 PM
 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on August 31, 2018, 04:55:47 PM
thanks, 3roses - so very appreciated.  i love it, love you.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on September 01, 2018, 12:12:45 AM
I have so much love for you San.  I'm sorry you and your d got your wires crossed but glad it worked out.  What kind of ice cream did you end up getting?  :bigwink:  I wouldn't mind some myself this evening.
:hug: to both you and your d
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 02, 2018, 02:27:55 PM
deep blue, i just drank in your love.  thank you.  we got peanut butter with caramel swirl.  yummy.

too tired, too much emotional stuff.  my d's broken up with her ex, who was her business partner, so the business is gone and with it her dreams.  my hub got himself in more financial trouble, again, and i'm losing feelings for him.  the mr. is good, planning to see him at the end of the month.  the cat is sneezing, maybe allergies. 

too tired for more.  off to the porch for the rest of the day. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Blueberry on September 02, 2018, 04:22:55 PM
 :hug: :bighug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on September 03, 2018, 08:22:07 AM
 :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 03, 2018, 01:55:37 PM
my sweet and darling blueberry and sceal, thanks for the hugs.  i love them, love you, too.

it was good to take yesterday off from emotional stuff.  did some physical chores and that felt right.  also watched a ton of tennis.  a pretty relaxing day all over the place.

today won't be much different, but i think things have gotten to be in a better gear, so that feels good.  slowly, slowly these wheels turn at times.    i don't know what to think of my hub anymore - that's beginning to bother me.  i used to feel so bad for him. have lots of sympathy for his problems, but he keeps mucking up, and those tender feelings are simply dissipating.  just disappearing.  he's stuck, been stuck in a mindset for so long (quick fix/quick money kind of thing which eventually led to our demise) and never totally left his street mentality behind. 

it had changed to a point, but then stopped, and i ended up paying the price, both physically and emotionally.  he took care of me as best he could till he didn't anymore.  but i don't think we were ever partners.  i was either too sick and he was doing everything for me, or, in the end, he just went back to some of his old ways, like not talking plans of his over with me.  and it ended up disastrous.

so, i'm just writing all this out cuz it wants to get out of me, and this is the best place i know to put it.  i feel very sad about this, don't exactly know what to do.  i know that i am his main support system, but i also feel like i'm moving on and can't get much of a supportive dynamic moving toward him anymore.  i don't know.  it just doesn't feel good.

he's told me many times to do what i need to do to make myself feel better, even to get another man to be with, and if that happened he'd be very happy about it.  i don't know how true that is, altho it makes me feel less guilty about the mr. being in my life.   still, i can feel the tug of it, the push-pull of doing something that's not quite 'right'.  with these new feelings, tho, it's all hitting me differently.  pressure, stress, guilt - i'm just so glad i'm not with him anymore.  just the thought of that is horrible.

enough for today.  time to rest once more.  this crapola is exhausting once again.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Three Roses on September 03, 2018, 06:59:36 PM
Quotei still can't physically relax.  that's kind of frustrating.  i've been tensed up (3roses called it 'armored up') for so long that i don't know how to unwind it. 

Honestly that's not my term, it's from Pete Walker. My book is out on loan so I can't check or quote my source but I'm sure it's from him.

I'm so happy you're sounding so happy in your new situation!   :cheer::cheer:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on September 03, 2018, 07:42:29 PM
Hey San,
Are you still watching tennis? Who do you root for? This year the open has already had some excellent matches!

I'm glad you took the day off of emotional stuff.  I read your post to calm myself down and guess what? It worked.  Your giving nature comes through, even when you are emotionally exhausted sweetie.  Thanks for being you and for helping me even when you don't realize you have.  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 04, 2018, 10:47:01 PM
3roses, i do believe you quoted 'armored up' from walker, but i read it from you first, so i always connect it to you.  it helped me a lot, giving me a name for the tension my body carries.  thanks.

deep blue, it always amazes me that i can be helpful to others when i'm not trying.  thanks for letting me know that.  it helps me keep in mind that what we do can have lasting effects on others, which makes it important to continue our lives with kindness and care. 

i've been watching tennis for 40+ years, enjoyed the chris/martina/john/jimmy era and onward, but when rafa came on the scene, i paid attention, and he became my fav from the first time i saw him.  this has definitely been an interesting tournament on both men's and women's sides.  who is your favorite?  i love that there's a fellow tennis fan-atic here!

i hit the wall and crashed today.  too much emotional stuff in the past 4 days, plus the season changed overnight, and that always knocks me out.  so, it's rest, rest, and more rest.  glad tennis is on.  very relaxing, at the same time i can get over-stimulated.  but i sure do enjoy it, so it's a staple when i'm feeling bereft of energy.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on September 05, 2018, 01:52:56 AM
Yes San,
To say I'm a tennis fan would be an understatement!  :bigwink:

I love Sloane Stephens, both Williams sisters, and bethanie mattocks sands .  My favorite male players are Djokovic, Stevie Johnson, Delpotro and Cilic.   My favorite announcer is Maryjoe Fernandez.

I've met many players on tour and have nicer stories about some than others. 

I hope you enjoy watching Nadal play this evening.  It's a hot one and as much as Rafa sweats I get nervous  :aaauuugh:   

Relax this evening friend and take care  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 05, 2018, 01:34:36 PM
well, the tennis match last nite was anything but relaxing!  still, i feel a bit better today, just tired.  there was more emotional stuff going on yesterday with my d and her business, but i think we might be able to sit on the beach and hash it out, make some considerations, possibly decisions as well.   this has been a real trial for 5 days now.  eating junk, exhausted.   my eyelids are having a hard time staying open right now.  guess it's time to stop, hit the porch again for the rest of the day. 

don't know when i'll get some down time just to relax, let this stuff float away.  looking forward to that, tho.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on September 06, 2018, 06:59:21 AM
Just wanted to pop by, San, and offer you a cup of soothing tea. It sounds as if you might need it right now.
:hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Hope67 on September 06, 2018, 08:26:43 AM
Hi SanMagic,
Wishing you some relaxing eye balm to soothe you - if there is such a thing as 'eye balm' - and I hope that you will get chance to relax sometime soon - you're going through a lot right now - but hopefully things will calm and you'll get some respite from it.  Just wanted to tell you that you're wonderful. 
:hug:
Hope :)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 06, 2018, 07:56:19 PM
sceal, that was just right.  thank you so.

hope, telling me i'm wonderful really lifted my spirits, too.  i love the eye balm - if it's not a thing before, it is now!  thanks.

finally feeling like i'm coming up for air.  it's been a rough 5 days around here - lots of emotional upheaval for both my d and me.  i think we're getting thru the gristle at last, but we're both more tired than usual.  still, our spunk and spirit keeps us moving forward.  it amazes me at times.

we're both starting over after stuff and people we thought would be with us for the rest of our lives crashed and burned.  starting over isn't new to me, i've done it too many times, but it's a bit more difficult now at my age.  yet, i'm giving it another shot.  sometimes i amaze myself - don't know exactly why i haven't just curled up and called it a day long ago. 

still, it's tiring.  a lot of work getting this new relationship off the ground with the mr.  more work than i thought to be living with my d, but both relationships seem to be getting sturdier as time goes on. 

time to rest - again.  one day i'll be caught up.   just don't quite know when.  for now, taking care of me.  i love you all.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on September 06, 2018, 10:39:26 PM
Darling San,
Love you so much! I'm so glad you are taking the time your body and mind clearly needs. 

I think that your relationship getting sturdier just shows how hard you both work at it.  Relationships are not easy! You both lean on each other and I think that is so therapeutic. 

Much love sweetie  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on September 09, 2018, 08:02:15 PM
 :hug: Thank you for being you. and for being here.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 12, 2018, 03:35:13 PM
thanks for the love, deep blue.  right back atcha.  it helps replenish me.

sceal, you're darling.  and thank you for being you, too.  i'm so very glad you're in my life.

just enough energy today for a few posts, and an update here.  it's been a week and a half now of emotional turbulence, some surrounding my d, some surrounding me.  we're both still tired today, but it's a beautifully rainy day today, everything is so green and gorgeous, and the sound will hum me to sleep in a few minutes.

i'm thankful for all of you. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Three Roses on September 12, 2018, 04:15:57 PM
And we are thankful for you. Take care of you. ❤️
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Blueberry on September 12, 2018, 05:05:25 PM
san, I'm sending  :grouphug: for all that emotional turbulence you're going through.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on September 12, 2018, 06:14:35 PM
 :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 15, 2018, 11:30:41 AM
3 roses, blueberry, and sceal, i can't tell you how much your caring and hugs mean to me.  thank you so much.

had a bit of a breakdown yesterday.  told my d that i was feeling uneasy, didn't know what it was, some kind of emotion possibly, maybe anger and/or fear, but couldn't tell.  told her the mr. (thank you, sceal - it fits so perfectly) was being so sweet, he's saying all the right words, the stress for me is pretty much gone cuz he's reassured me enough times now to believe this is real (when i told him that, he said 'i'm trying'.  and he is - he just being a really generous person with telling me how happy he is now, all kinds of good stuff).

she helped me pick it apart, told me that i'm not used to being treated well so it can easily make me uncomfy.  (later, she also told me that living with her has probably been hard to get used to cuz she's not like the other women in my life have been to me, either, which is very true - it's why i've eliminated pretty much all my former friends).

both of those make sense to me, but was wondering what i might be angry about, and she said it might be that i'm angry at everyone who's led me to this place of being uneasy cuz i'm being treated well.  well, pluck me!!!!!  how sick is that!!!  that this friggin' crapola doesn't even allow me to be happy cuz i'm being treated well?  that totally sucks!!!

so, yeah, i can feel the anger about that.  and i got to thinking about my ex (my d's father) and how i wrote that email but haven't sent it, have been protecting, defending, making excuses for his behavior - sure, he was abused as a kid, but that is no excuse for choosing to do anything nasty to me - and i believe i'm going to send it and let the chips fall where they may.  i believe i need to put my thoughts and feelings about him and what he's done where they belong - in his backyard.

he will read it or not, be accountable or not, it doesn't matter.  what i think matters here is that i need to give to him all that i've held back out of fear for me and for his ego and self-esteem.  i think i need to clean my own house and give him back the dirt that belongs to him.  it's rotting inside me, but it's still scary as * to hold him accountable to his face (metaphorically).

if anyone has thoughts or opinions, i'd like to hear them.  i might be able to wait till i send it in case anyone really believes this would not be a good idea for any reason.  i'm so fed up with this, but i need help to see if i'm looking at this clearly.  thanks.

c-ptsd sucks the big one.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Wattlebird on September 15, 2018, 01:09:53 PM
it certainly would be a healthy way to express that built up anger ( if that's what is causing it?) but I'm unable to advise in one way or another, I would agonise over that decision I just know it.
So sending support whatever u decide
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Blueberry on September 15, 2018, 05:56:58 PM
san, maybe you could write it on Recovery Letters and see how you feel about it after a few days? Then if you do decide to send it, you could delete it on here.

fwiw I've done a fair bit of symbolic giving back but it's all been in T, it has helped though. I don't think 'giving back' in my FOO would do anything. They just wouldn't get it, I'd waste my energy trying to write it down.  So for you the question might be: Will you get more out of actually giving it back to him or just getting it out of your house? There are rituals you can do for just getting it out of your house, like writing it down and burning or throwing in the river or burying in the ground...

Over on OOTF they advise against giving PD people ammunition to use against you. So another question: Could your ex use any of the information you write down against you emotionally? Or just get you (back?) in a debate with him, those circular conversations? check OOTF Glossary or What Not To Do for further info.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 15, 2018, 06:17:39 PM
thanks for the support, wattlebird.  i appreciate it.

blueberry, i realized that i've walked this road before here in my journal, asked for thoughts/opinions, and have gotten some good ones.  i didn't realize that i was walking around in this minefield again until after i wrote about it.  so, it seems that without sending it, it is going to continue to raise its ugly head.  and i'm tired of that.

your suggestions are great, thank you.   i have already ritualistically gotten rid of written stuff toward him thru burning and walking it out to the trash to get it out of my house.  the difference here is that he is the only one i haven't truly confronted in a thorough way, nor has he ever responded the way the other 2 have.  that might be the difference here.

i have no feelings or thoughts about getting backlash - he's tried that before when i've done some of this stuff piecemeal with him, but he never was able to withstand my ammunition re: all this stuff, and as the years have gone on i've only gathered more.  he can't hurt me - i've apologized for my sins in our marriage.

i think i'll end up sending it.  it will not be an angry attack, but rather it's facts that i've not confronted him with, have not called things by their proper name in a straightforward manner.  in the past, i was being as gentle as possible so as not to crush his ego, to support him so that he could find a different way, and basically pampering him as if he were a vulnerable child.

emotionally, that may be, but he's been in therapy long enough, has lied thru most of it, and i believe it's time for me to take care of myself, cuz this is hurting me, hurting my relationships, and i think i need to put an end to it.  he's an adult.  he can either be accountable or not - up to him.  if not, nothing has changed, but i've at least gotten this out of me (all my pounding, writing, talking to others, sounding off about it here - i've even already written a letter to him on the forum a while ago has not helped.

scared to death to stick up for myself, tho, and put this crapola where it belongs.  the anger i felt yesterday has abated, but i don't doubt it's lying in wait.  this is not a good way to live.  maybe i'll write it here first.  when i wrote here before, it made a difference for awhile, but it came back.  it felt good for a few days, but sucked when it returned and has been burrowing at the edge of my mind ever since.

this is hard.  i think i'm tired of protecting him, letting him think that i don't know about him.  that was true for so long, and i did my best to make our marriage one of love and laughter, but i was confused almost all the time besides being left to manage the madness while he stayed away and, he has admitted, he checked out during all that time.  he didn't want to deal with it (misogynists as well as npd's do that) and left me the burden and the belief that whatever went wrong was my fault.  i believe i need to share that with him.  we'll see, but i'm breathing really hard just writing about it.  that tells me something.

thanks for the support and input.  so glad i have this place.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Blueberry on September 15, 2018, 06:20:44 PM
hey san, it sounds as if you know what you're doing here and why. Standing with you however you decide  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 15, 2018, 06:25:12 PM
thanks, sweetie.  that alone strengthens my resolve, and my belief that it will be a good thing for me.  don't care what it is for him anymore.  i think that's a step forward.   :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 15, 2018, 07:43:29 PM
ok, i sent it.  numb right now, don't know what emotions i may feel later.  but, it's friggin' done.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on September 16, 2018, 01:36:27 AM
Hey San,
Sitting with you  :hug:  let's take our time... my arm is around you and we can take some deep breaths together till you feel more grounded. 

You are brave, you are strong, you did the right thing.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Three Roses on September 16, 2018, 03:33:41 AM
Quotescared to death to stick up for myself, tho, and put this crapola where it belongs.

OH man, this hit me right in the feels! I just went thru this the other day, telling my sibling (my ex-brother?) that I don't want further contact with him. All that day and the next I was a wreck. Even tho it was the right thing for me, and was appropriate and healthy for me, and I wasn't mean.... But MAN how we've been indoctrinated into taking care of these NPD's! It goes so deep.

Sitting with you with a nice cup of tea. 🍵 (there is magically enough for anyone who wants to join us)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on September 16, 2018, 06:58:06 AM
 :bighug: candlelights and favourite tea all around!
Proud of you for standing up for yourself. Thats a big thing! big step!  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Andyman73 on September 16, 2018, 05:33:58 PM
San,
My darling sister, I have missed you. Things have been quite heavy for me these past few weeks. With new realizations and my grandmother illness and passing. I did start a new thread yesterday involving one of the new issues I'm struggling with.
I hope you've been as well as you can be. Which is what any of us could hope for.
Sending you lots and lots of love and hugs.  :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 16, 2018, 06:21:11 PM
deep blue, i will wallow in your embrace today.  thank you for that validation, too.  it was great to read that, pure and simply spoken.  felt like it just cut thru the b.s. of my wishy-washiness.  it was perfect.

3roses, absolutely goes so deep.  i've known this man for over 50 yrs., we were in high school together, and everyone in our bunch made excuses for him, never took him to task.  it was an entire community of enablers!  i'm very glad for you that you did it, as much as it was nerve-wracking.   we're moving forward, killing the beast by a death of 1000 cuts.

thanks, sceal.  i do so love those candles.  favorite tea would be lemon grass, i think.  i appreciate so much your support, you don't even know.

so, yesterday, i sat with this, not really feeling anything.  weird thing was i ate comfort foods as if i was anticipating terrible emotional upset, but it never came.  automatic response to an expectation.  i think i need to keep an eye out for that in the future.  by night, i mentally scanned myself for residual effects.  i felt kind of hollow, actually, which was a surprise.  i was expecting to feel something, like relief, but i didn't.  didn't quite feel like a tumor was removed, either, altho i kind of looked for that cuz of the hollow feeling.

a wave of guilt washed over me at one point, but i surprised myself by mentally swatting it away, and it went.  that happened a couple more times, each time the wave was smaller, each time i swatted.  it wants to grab hold of me but i'm pushing it down.  i don't need no stinkin' guilt!

it was a big step, tho.  i don't know if i have any other feelings that may come up later, but i'll get them out here if they do show their faces.  i never can tell.

this morning, as i was lying in bed, there felt like there was some residual stuff there that i could've included in the email.  i briefly thought of sending another one, sort of a 'there's more' type of thing, but for some reason it didn't seem to fit.  instead, what came to my mind was that i was full of a black tar-like residue within me, and i needed to get that out.

back when i was training for emdr, i was doing work in our session on that icky therapist, and i remembered how i expunged a whole raft of tarry gunk while trying to process her crapola.  this came to mind this morning, and it felt like the same type of gunk inside me.  so, i did some tapping on myself, and sure enough, that tarry stuff came out in a ribbon.

i imagined a hose leading from my mouth to my open window, tapped away while the tar spewed out of me into the universe.  it took about 20 min. to clean it out.  afterwards, i did some stretches, crunches, and walked down to the ocean.  physical stuff seemed to be in order after the purge, and i just went with it.

so, right now, i'm feeling a bit empty, but clearer.  something's changed within me.  don't feel like stuffing food down my face.  i'm a bit tingly, but it doesn't feel like a bad thing.  it feels like a cleansing, like i'm cleaner inside, and more able to receive the positives i've been getting from the people in my life.  like it's ok to feel this goodness, care, sweetness that they've been pouring onto me.

like it's not going to run off my back but can be absorbed and enjoyed.  what a strange feeling.  i feel calmer, too.  not so worried, not so tense.  man, carrying his crapola around has been so unhealthy for me.  i'm realizing this at this very moment while i write.  didn't know it could really make a difference like this.  o my heart, it's been like a cancer has been removed! 

like when that cancer was cut off my scalp, and i began feeling better physically little by little because it was gone.  could that be what's going to happen here?  i'm just writing this as it's coming to my mind.  i guess we'll see.

thank you all for your support with this, whether you wrote or not, i know you're there with me.  this may be bigger than i thought.  still tingling.  less tension in my body.  wow.  can this really be? 

andy, just got your post.  thank you for all the hugs and well wishes.  sorry about your grandmother.  love and hugs right back to you, bro.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Three Roses on September 16, 2018, 07:46:55 PM
Quoteright now, i'm feeling a bit empty, but clearer.  something's changed within me

:cheer:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Blueberry on September 16, 2018, 09:03:53 PM
Wow, that was some process this morning san! Good on you for sticking with it and through it. Glad you're feeling clearer at least.  :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 17, 2018, 02:05:19 PM
thanks for the cheers, 3roses.  love that validation and support.

thanks, blueberry.  it feels like i'm kind of following where it takes me.  it does feel good to feel clearer.

this morning there was a bit more residue, so i tapped at it again.  it's much diminished now.  i don't feel like i need to write more of this to him, of which i'm glad.  the tapping has been effective at reducing that urge and the neg. that goes with it.  i did expel more of the 'tar', tho, out to the universe, which i know will take care of it. 

it's amazing to me how much of that gunk has resided within me.  it must have been there all these years (over 20 now).  no wonder i'd get stuck - tar is gooey.  yesterday, after doing all this, i ate light, exercised, had some good energy.  i'm hoping for the same today. 

this may be clearing the way for healthier eating and being.  i'm hoping for a decrease in the tension, too, that i've carried around so long.  it would certainly feel lovely to have a relaxed feeling about my body.  strange how these emotions can cause so much havoc physically.  i know the body keeps the score, but hearing/reading it and experiencing it are very different.

i think i'll do some tapping on relaxing.  maybe just one muscle group this morning.  my upper back seems a bit squiggly right now.  could be that movement of emotions is causing tension/stress.  it would be nice to remove it.  on the other hand, i may just need to let it work its way out on its own time.  don't know for sure.  we'll see.

i did feel a few pangs of sympathy for my ex that i swatted away like i swatted away the guilt.  then i thought, he is a very unhappy man, hates himself.  that is too bad, actually.  still, i won't apologize for what i said in that email.  it was all true, and that's not up to me to fix it or change it.  he knows it's true.  he made choices.  he didn't have to do what he did.

felt good to write that out.  deep breath.  more relaxed now.  it's just been a crummy situation and i can only take care of me and my end of it.  what's done is done, what was, was.  i have to take care of me.  tears beginning now, very sad that this happened.  i did love him.  now i hate what he did, hate him for doing it.  i'll have to let that hate be neutralized in another dimension.  my guardian angel will take care of it so it doesn't go out into the world.  there's enough negativity there already.

still, maybe in time i won't feel like that.  i don't know.  i think i'm grieving.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Andyman73 on September 18, 2018, 12:47:33 AM
 :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
San, sound like you made a big breakthru today! Lots of love and hugs Sis!!!
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Wattlebird on September 18, 2018, 01:02:17 AM
It sounds like grieving to me but hey I am probably not the best judge, I have enough trouble recognising my own emotions. I'm sorry ur haveing a hard time and I'm sending some hugs to help
:hug: :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on September 18, 2018, 01:03:00 AM
Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 17, 2018, 02:05:19 PM
felt good to write that out.  deep breath.  more relaxed now.  it's just been a crummy situation and i can only take care of me and my end of it.  what's done is done, what was, was.  i have to take care of me.  tears beginning now, very sad that this happened.  i did love him.  now i hate what he did, hate him for doing it.  i'll have to let that hate be neutralized in another dimension.  my guardian angel will take care of it so it doesn't go out into the world.  there's enough negativity there already.

still, maybe in time i won't feel like that.  i don't know.  i think i'm grieving.

Sweetie,
May I just say that grieving is natural and normal.  You have been carrying that stuff around for a long long time.  It's no wonder when it's out you feel a little off balance. 

I love what you said. What's done is done and what was was.  Now time to keep on moving hon.  Around the next corner maybe?   :bigwink:

Sending you a really good hug.  I'm completely wrapped around you and holding you with just the right amount of pressure.   :hug: 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 18, 2018, 03:07:18 PM
andy, my brother of my heart, those hugs are wonderful.  it really was a big breakthru, one that, surprisingly, i'm not agonizing over.  those swats seemed to have taken care of a lot more than i expected.  thank you.

wb, sometimes we recognize in others what it's more difficult to recognize in ourselves.  if it looks like grieving to you, i'll add you to the validation and reassurance group.  i appreciate it a lot.  thank you.

that's beautiful, deep blue.  i can feel it and it is just right and absolutely lovely.  thank you.  off balance is a good way to describe it.  it does feel like i'm a bit rocky in my being.  hmmm . .  i struggled with leg cramping all night.  that could surely be a sign of being off balance.  at least, symbolically.  funny how that stuff sometimes works.  thanks for those words, too.  they seem to fit perfectly.

yeah, grieving's a gritch and a half.  still, it's gonna be there whether i want it or not, so i might as well make the best of it.  just be with it till it runs its course.  this, too, shall pass.

i got a lovely gift in the mail yesterday - a wonderful, solid stone that was  hand-painted in swirling colors and the words 'trust the magic' on it.  funny how these things come at just the right time.  trusting the magic has gotten me thru a lot, but i forget it at times.  now i have a tangible reminder next to my bed, and it couldn't be more perfect.  that is a true friend.  i shall cherish them both, always.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on September 18, 2018, 04:43:55 PM
San, I have not been here in far too long. I have read it all and want to send all the love and healing in the world to you  :hug: Grief is a terribly difficult thing, and I can't truly begin to imagine handling it like you do. It is such an inspiration honestly. I hope things start to settle out and feel much clearer for you soon. You truly deserve it :bighug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on September 18, 2018, 06:48:55 PM
Dear san,

You have such strength and such courage! I am glad you've managed to get some of that gunk out (I love how you call it gunk). I hope that in the days following that you can continue to regain your strength, continue to swat away the feeling of guilt that pops up here and there. You're not responsible for his life, he is. He is responsible for the choices he made, or purposefully chose not to make. And he hurt you and your daughters. It was never okay.

I'll happily sit with you at the porch drinking tea and listening to the sound of the waves.

:hug: :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 19, 2018, 12:07:19 PM
dearest el, even when you don't post here, i know you're with me.  that's become a given.  thank you for your support.

my sweet sceal, thank you so much for that validation that it was never ok and he's made his own choices.  something in that touched me deeply for some reason, even tho i know it in my head.  you seemed to have placed it in a deeper place by saying that.  truly appreciated.

still struggling a bit.  the guilt doesn't seem to come as much now, which is good.  i don't think of it very often, like when i check my inbox or what he might have thought of it.  i'm a bit messy with the mr., still learning this relationship, but i think some of the gunk spills over a wee bit.

i think i feel a bit more selfish right now at the same time wanting to be there for him (he's still at the house where i lived, it's his mother who's the landlady, and she's not a very sympathetic person) when the crapola goes down between them, but i've found that i've fallen into old behaviors, which he catches and gets defensive about.  we then eventually fall into a sort of uneasy alliance, which i'm still getting used to.  that concept is foreign to me.

so, still learning.  he'll be here for the weekend in 1 1/2 weeks,  and it'll be good to be together.  it'll be especially good to be able to talk face to face.  i've never done a long-distance relationship like this before, so even that is different.  it takes its own tolls.

today is a day off for the rest of the day.  my d's been crazy busy lately, too, but we have some 'buffy' coming in the mail, we're making taco dip to eat while we're watching it, and i'll be on the porch just hangin' the rest of the time. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 19, 2018, 11:44:56 PM
dang, i just realized how very judgmental i am, both in tone of voice and in practice.  the mr. had told me this several times, but i defended myself to the death saying that i wasn't.  waking up from a nap, i heard myself in conversation with him about food choices, and i suddenly heard the judgmental tone, and superior essence i carried.

wowser.  holy crap.  i didn't even realize, consciously, i was doing this.  i can only guess that it comes from so many years of being put down, dismissed, denied, etc., that i surrounded myself in research and subsequent belief in my knowing what's best for everyone.  i just felt a bit ashamed, right now, also different for me.

he'd told me several times that i sounded like his mother, which i vehemently denied.  this is shaking me to my rafters.   i have sounded just like her.  omg, i'm so embarrassed.  i feel terrible about this, but excited at the same time.  i don't know what will happen because of this realization going forward, but it's here now and IT won't be denied now.

will this never stop?  that was my low self-esteem trying to protect itself, i'm sure, altho i never came off as having low self-esteem.  that was not allowed in my inner world.  ok, enough for today.  a wave of self-hatred just flashed thru.  ugly stuff.  ugly.  no wonder people have been intimidated by me.  i've just been a big, loud know-it-all for all this time.  sucks.  i suck.  now i understand, tho.

am just letting these neg.feelings flit thru.  just putting them down for accountability.  they've usually not been allowed, so i'm allowing them now.  this is so strange.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on September 19, 2018, 11:51:13 PM
I am glad it had become a given that my support and love is always given.  :hug: it really warms my heart that it is true for you. I can't respond much more tonight, but thank you for always knowing I am hear my dear. Love you always  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 20, 2018, 11:00:13 AM
talked to my d about my realization, part of my defense system of arrogance and superiority thru the years.  also my feelings of shame and self-hatred that came up.  and then the tears came.  i'm so sad that i've put these people who are being dear to me thru this.

she told me that she's noticed me changing since i've been living with her, and since the mr. has come into my life because neither of them are doing to me what's been done to me by others before.   she's been hesitant to let him stay here overnite cuz she didn't know him, didn't know how he'd be with me - she's very protective of me, yes, cuz she knows what's gone on in my past and she didn't want it to happen again.

plus, her anxiety about having someone else around plays a big part in her comfort level with him.  that's a part he doesn't know about.  i've been hesitant to tell him cuz i don't know that it's my place.

so i talked to him about this revelation as well, asked him to point it out to me if i'm doing it again cuz i didn't want to be that way and he said he would, that sometimes he comes off harshly if he's in a bad mood (usually becuz of his mother).  he's also putting out the word that he wants to move out and looking for a roommate. 

i hope he gets out of his mother's house - it's such a toxic environment and no good for anyone living there.  i was so happy to be able to leave, even tho it was good for me when i was so sick and after the surgery, but when i began feeling better and interacting with some of the people there, it went sour with her big time.

we ended on a positive note.   he'd been saying that he thought our coming weekend might be our last cuz of finances and putting miles on his car, which scares him.  we talked about working as a team, that i'm willing to help out financially, and he was kinda surprised cuz he's  had the cloud of 'the man has to be financially responsible' hanging over his head.  we've both been looking for a true partner, but have been shut out in that area in the past.

lastly, he said that the song 'i'm not in love' by 10cc has been running thru his head, and that he thinks he's really happier than he'll admit.  so, we do both want it to work, even tho he started talking in the complete opposite direction.  i feel better.  i'm really tired, tho.  exhausted. 

i told my d that i'm too old for this personal growth crapola (in a kind of joking way) cuz it's so hard sometimes.   she laughed, said, 'well, if it was easy, everybody would be doing it'.  ain't that the truth.  i'm on the porch today for sure.  ate my way thru the day yesterday, but there it is.  grieving is messy, and i know i'll be messy in the midst of it.  so be it.  it, too, shall pass.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on September 20, 2018, 02:54:35 PM
San,
I know that realization was a hard one, but it doesn't make it any less meaningful.  You know that abuse is cyclical.  We have that constant worry to have ANY similarity with our abusers!  It's only natural that after years of abuse, that finding a similarity would be devestating. 

But!!!!! Take a step back, you noted something and now are working to change it.  That's so valuable and speaks to the amazing person you are.  You don't stop when realizations get hard.  You are always pushing to grow and that is something to be proud of  :hug:

Your strength, spirit and caring nature all speak to me.  You are gold my dearest San. Gold.  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on September 20, 2018, 08:00:56 PM
Man, San. You are an inspiration!
You have such strength that keeps on barging through and it doesn't ever give up. Even in your darkest days you have this strength that's so beautiful. You keep discovering new things, you keep wanting to change. You keep working to become a better person, both for yourself but also for those around you whom you love.

I also agree with everything that Deep Blue wrote.

Sitting with you on the porch tonight if that's okay. I think I'll be crocheting squares to make into a blanket, or something like that.  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Andyman73 on September 20, 2018, 08:44:18 PM
Hey sister of my heart, gonna join yuo on porch too.
Saw my psych today, med check. Gave her the update for the past 3 months. Took way more out of me than I thought. So...sitting on rocking chair on porch with you. Sending you lots and lots of hugs and love, San.  :hug: :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 22, 2018, 06:07:25 PM
stress sick yesterday, then realized i was angry at a whole bunch of things, including having to go thru this crapola over and over, at my history for causing this to happen, and just plain being frustrated that i can't access this feeling any sooner.  when i told my d, she said she thought i was angry 3 days ago when i despairingly said 'i'm too old for this crap, this self-growth'.

i didn't know i was angry at all, just tired of it.  2 days later i felt like crap, and by last nite i was beginning to have problems walking again, which was a sign to me that i was angry.  so i pounded my bed, cursed my head off, got some of it out, and i immediately felt better.

still not quite all right today, but better.  dang, i hate having to go thru this.  it just sucks.

thank you everyone for your more than kind words.  more later.  love you all.  i'm resting today.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Three Roses on September 22, 2018, 09:40:25 PM
 :hug: 🌹
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 24, 2018, 06:32:14 PM
thanks, sweetie.

sick yesterday, still down for the count.  don't know when i'll be back.   love to all.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Blueberry on September 24, 2018, 06:34:47 PM
 :hug: :hug: and Get Better Soon! But also take the time and  :zzz: :zzz: :zzz: you need
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on September 24, 2018, 06:56:27 PM
Lighting a candle for us both right now, San.  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on September 25, 2018, 12:05:16 AM
Rest well friend,
Get well soon. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Andyman73 on September 25, 2018, 12:16:17 AM
San, sister of my heart, sending you all my love and strength!!! :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
And lots and lots of warm healing loving hugs.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 27, 2018, 12:42:29 PM
sceal, deep blue, andy - thank you so.  hope you're doing better, sceal.

feeling better.  not 100% yet, but better.  the mr. will be spending 3 nites here - my d has finally felt comfy enough with him staying over, altho she'll be gone for 2 of those nites visiting.  at any rate, he and i are very excited.  looking forward to being together.  he's been very sweet, generous with compliments, makes me feel good even when i'm feeling bad.  i like it - a lot.

so, i'm still resting.  love to all of you and warm hugs.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on September 27, 2018, 01:10:31 PM
Glad you are taking the time to rest, San. I hope this ethree nights are amazing, I am sure they will be. Lots of love to you always  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Sceal on September 27, 2018, 03:39:11 PM
Thank you for enquiring San, I'm not doing so well. But eventually I will.

I'm glad you're taking the rest you need, and it's wonderful that your d is onboard with the mr. coming to visit overnight. I hope it will be a wonderful experience, andI hope you'll have wonderful new good memories made.  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 28, 2018, 01:57:01 PM
el, thank you as always.  love you.

sceal, sorry you're not quite up to par right now, but hoping you will be soon.  i'll be lighting a candle for you tonite.  love you, too.

my health is worrying me a bit right now.  my lungs are aching and i have a little cough.  just hoping against hope that my body can fight this off or it'll be back to the e.r. this weekend - and that would definitely be a bum bum.  gotta keep on resting.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on September 28, 2018, 02:19:39 PM
Lots of rest and water. You also might make sure you are putting a lot of vitamin C and maybe even some turmeric into your diet if you have it over the next few days. It helps to clear out anything and can boost the immune system when it needs it. Lots of healing energy your way  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on September 29, 2018, 12:09:59 PM
thanks, el.  i have been doing lots of vit c, also turmeric is a regular with me.  also doing thera-flu, mucus expectorant, ibuprofen, herbal teas, water, and juice.  everything i can think of.   an inhaler for my lungs.  i don't like all this medicine going into my body over this amount of time, but i'm just working on feeling as well as possible.  it's very frustrating and disheartening for me to feel sick - i want to have left that all behind.

i think a lot of this has had to do with the mr. and his fears about the relationship, to the point that he's waffled back and forth several times in the past few weeks.  he was worried about money, that he wouldn't have enough to be able to continue visiting me, and didn't think he could keep up long distance with only a visit every few months or so.  he'd also given up on my d ever allowing him to stay here.

so, it felt like i was hanging on by a thread, wondering and worrying.  then i got my 'trust the magic' stone, began remembering that, and things began falling into place.  with that great sense of relief, it was like all my reserves that had been called into action simply folded over, exhausted, and it opened the door to me being sick.

this has happened to me in the past as well.  kept up the stress level, pushing thru to an end goal, then crashed big time afterwards.  so, now that i'm quite sure that's what's happened, i feel less anxious about it.  at any rate, he's begun speaking more about us having each other now to share good stuff with, he's realizing how crummy his childhood was (and that he'd minimized so very much of the bad stuff) and how that's damaged him becuz of his mother, and how glad he is to be having plans to get out of there, get a place with a buddy of his.

i don't doubt he's another victim of traumatization, not only from childhood but from later relationships.  i'm hoping we'll be able to speak to this topic a lot more as time goes by, and see how we can possibly utilize those neg. experiences to learn from in order to help each other do some healing.   i know he's restored a lot of what was taken from me from my exes, and the other nite he said something very gently to me that warmed me in a peculiar way.  it reminded me of how i would have wanted my father to speak to me when he had something to say that i might not have liked to hear.

of course, i never got that from my dad, but from the mr. it felt like a healing moment.  it was very odd and unusual, but it spoke to me immediately as a connection i'd never had with my father that i would've liked.  strange how this stuff can work sometimes.

so, time for me to begin getting ready.  he'll be here in about 2 hrs., and staying 3 nites, which will be really nice.  he's so very excited, and i love knowing that.  my d will be gone for 2 nites, but the third we may all go out together for karaoke, which would be pretty cool.  he and she both love to sing and are very good at it.  i will be an enthusiastic audience - my voice is shot so i won't participate.    will let you all know how it goes next week.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on September 29, 2018, 02:09:59 PM
Have lots od fun with the mr. And then your d when she gets back. I am glad that things really do seem to be falling into place you definitely deserve it.  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Blueberry on September 29, 2018, 03:20:29 PM
 :hug: :hug: san, have a good time with the mr. So glad things seem to be working their way out. Step by step, slowly but surely.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 03, 2018, 01:27:54 PM
el and blueberry, thank you for the good wishes,  truly appreciated.

i felt so awkward when he left yesterday, stood in the doorway waving as he got into his car.  we had such a good time together all weekend, enjoyed each other immensely, yet i was glad to get my own space back when he left.   it was quite a push-pull feeling. 

it reaffirms to me that we're better off long distance for now.  he's building a new life as well in his own way, lots of changes coming at him.  i'm more settled where i live now, settling in, enjoying the peace and calm of this place, and feel like it's very good for my own sense of healing.

he didn't want to leave, wished i lived closer to him, but i'd dread the idea of moving back to a regular city after being here.  we're 1 1/2 hrs. apart, which isn't bad, and talk almost daily.  still, it costs him to get here, and he's hoping to move out of the house where i used to live, so needs all his money for moving right now.  we didn't speak at all of when we'd see each other again.

it sucks to be poor.  still, we made memories, good ones, and i'm glad of that.  i take those to bed with me.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Three Roses on October 03, 2018, 01:54:46 PM
So glad you enjoyed each other! 💜
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on October 03, 2018, 02:10:25 PM
I am so glad that the time went well. It makes sense you would be sad to see him go but also excited to have your own space back. Anytime I have had long distance relationships it was sort of that way. It is wonderful to hear you settling in to the new place as well.  :hug: :hug: Hopefully you will see each other again soon
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on October 03, 2018, 04:25:55 PM
Glad to hear things went well San.   :bighug:  I like how you said the long distance is good for now.  It gives possibility for the relationship to change and grow.  Happy for you
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 03, 2018, 10:32:58 PM
thanks, 3roses.  lots of sleep and laughter - we both enjoyed that.  he'd come down straight from work (he works a 12-hr. shift overnite), and we'd planned to go to breakfast with my d, then take her to rent a car cuz she was going to the city for the weekend.  we'd barely gotten home when she called - they wouldn't rent to her cuz she didn't have the correct insurance!

he ended up driving another hour to the nearest town where she could get a car, then back home again.   needless to say, that was about 18 hrs. of non-stop 'doing' for him, and it took its toll.  i was still feeling sick, so we ended up sleeping, sleeping, and more sleeping.  actually, i think that was a good thing for me, altho it was still pretty much a bed day for me today as well.  these old bones, etc.

thanks, el.  have no idea when we might be seeing each other again.  that's really on the back burner.  he's focused on finding his own place now, but when he does, i'll be able to take a bus to go visit him, too.  that way we can at least share traveling time. 

thanks, deep blue.  change and grow, one way or another.  he's in such a flux with his life right now, there's really no telling if this is going to grow together or apart.  kind of unsure at present.  we talked a bit about it and he doesn't really know what he wants to do.   he needs to get out of that house first and foremost.   he lives in such a toxic environment right now.  we'll see what happens. 

and i know he's very scared of the change of living place.  it's almost, but not quite, better the devil i know than the one i don't, i think.  he's had very bad experiences with roommates in the past, so that's kind of frizzing him out to try a new one.  i just hope his fears don't prevent him from making the move.   i hope he can see it as an adventure.

when he was leaving, i felt all my emotions freeze.  didn't like that.  it felt like a bout of depersonalization, and i'm not quite sure why.  the thought of crying at his leaving had crossed my mind briefly - maybe i froze in order to prevent that from happening.  i don't know, but looking back, it's disconcerting.

thank you all for your support with this.  i appreciate you so much.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Hope67 on October 04, 2018, 09:00:53 AM
Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 03, 2018, 10:32:58 PM


when he was leaving, i felt all my emotions freeze.  didn't like that.  it felt like a bout of depersonalization, and i'm not quite sure why.  the thought of crying at his leaving had crossed my mind briefly - maybe i froze in order to prevent that from happening.  i don't know, but looking back, it's disconcerting.


Hi SanMagic,

I relate very much to this kind of feeling, especially around any form of 'Goodbye' or 'parting' - so I wonder if it is related to that kind of EF Trigger that you felt this?  I hope you don't mind my saying that, but it jumped out at me as incredibly triggering to part from someone who you have feelings for.  For whatever length of time that is. 


Sending you a hug, SanMagic, and much love.   :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 04, 2018, 01:20:41 PM
sweet hope, i don't mind you saying that at all.  any insight, thoughts, or opinions are always welcome.  much love and hugs back to you.  thank you.

i'm still not sure what went on or why.  come to think of it, tho, when i left mexico, left my hub behind, he wanted to give me a hug before i left, and i just couldn't, but i knew that was because it was waaaay too emotional.  i didn't freeze like this.  instead i was just trying to contain those emotions and keep them from spilling over and overwhelming me.

somehow, this was different.  maybe it'll come to me, maybe not.  don't know how important it is really. 

on a different note, my wedding ring finally broke yesterday - the band had gotten so thin, it finally gave way.  my d asked me how i felt about it, i told her i'd put it in a heart-shaped container i had.  she asked again, 'how do you feel about it?' (she knows about the alexithymia), and i had to admit that i didn't know.

this was not a freeze, tho, but just a plain not having a clue.  today, i still don't really know.  i could guess at feeling sad, but i can't actually feel it.  there just aren't any feelings there.  maybe they'll eventually come.  i'm not too worried about it, tho.  i'm pretty used to this.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on October 04, 2018, 03:02:35 PM
Interesting symbolism San.  My hope is that the universe is releasing you from past pain in your marriage.  Maybe it's saying it's safe to move on.

:hug: :hug: to you no matter how you feel about it
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 04, 2018, 09:35:48 PM
yep, deep blue, i believe it is symbolic, altho i think it also confirms the fact that my marriage is broken.  i've already moved on in a way, and even tho my hub wants me back 'home' (as he puts it), that's just not going to happen.  that phase of my life is done.

i'd decided a while ago that when the band broke, that would be the time i took off the ring.  other symbolism re: that ring is that he'd found it on the beach many years before, it had those old time hippie letters that spelled 'love' over the top of it, and the 'o' was a place in which a gemstone of some kind belonged, but was already gone.  so, it was kind of a piecemeal ring to begin with, used and incomplete.

i think our marriage had some of those qualities, too.  especially incomplete because as much as i was willing to put the therapeutic work into making things viable from day to day, he firmly stuck his head in the sand and stayed there with old, used thoughts and beliefs that ultimately broke the relationship.  funny how that works.

so, we'll see where this new relationship goes.  i don't know.  it feels unsettled much of the time.  we had the discussion about it lasting for many years being lovers and/or friends, but i squelched that somewhat.  i told him that if he decided he wanted someone else, i couldn't be friends with him.  for some reason he was quite shocked at that.

i said that we'd already decided we were an exclusive couple, so if he found someone else, he was breaking that bond and i didn't want to be on a friendly basis after that.  he asked about if we couldn't be lovers cuz he had to move away for his job or something, and i agreed that such a scenario might be different.   but for him to break this trust again, no, it would hurt too much and i wouldn't be able to forgive it a second time.

so, i know how my heart feels about that.  i also know that he values my friendship a lot and would want to keep me in his life, but quite honestly, even tho i'm not in his neighborhood anymore, i'm still only 1 1/2 hrs. away.  he wants me around more often than once a month or however we can work out the visits.  i guess he either adjusts and accepts or we'll have some major problems.

and maybe those problems are already brewing in his mind.  i can't begin to guess anymore.  he says one thing one minute, another the next.  that's where trusting the magic has helped me a lot.  this relationship will either make it or it won't.  either way, i'm glad i've had what i've had with it and him, and i'll survive if it dissolves.  i have to admit, it feels rather like limbo at times, and i'm not always comfy there. 

so, i have to have faith that whatever happens, i'll be able to deal with it.  just once i wish i could have a rich man in my life who didn't want me to be arm candy to be shown off (that happened once, i wasn't having it - it felt really creepy).  that's one of those weird thoughts that have crept into my mind on rare occasions - someone who would take care of me and put financial problems to rest.  man, that would be nice.

well, this took a strange turn.  stream of consciousness writing, i guess.  something erupted from deep within that i don't normally think about.  i've been so independent for so long, i truly wouldn't want any strings attached, and i don't know that money comes free. 

anyway, it's not going to happen that i can see.  so, plodding along.  relationships are strange critters.  in my experience, they never come with any guarantees.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on October 04, 2018, 10:02:47 PM
Yes San! Relationships are strange critters indeed  :yes:

I value many types of relationships and I really value my relationship with you  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 05, 2018, 01:03:26 PM
a big ditto goes for my relationship with you, sweetie.  you're a treasure.  thanks for the validation. 

i've got a food/eating group planned for jan., have put up flyers, and there's been some interest shown.  i wonder if any of that interest will actually come thru as clients.  i created this group many years ago, have it written out in book form as well, so i might be offering that online and at the group (if one actually comes together).  it would be trippy to me to be able to sell it, have people want to buy it.  ack! 

right now i'm editing my d's books - she's putting one out next month, the other next spring.  our household is running pretty smoothly, our relationship is wonderful, and we love where we live.  i'm feeling nearly well now, 2 weeks is pretty much on time for me to get over a cold now - used to be 3 days - but i'm hoping that changes in the future if i continue to get healthier.

all in all, i'm doing pretty ok at the moment.  that's a really nice statement to be able to write.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on October 05, 2018, 05:16:24 PM
San I am so glad to hear you write that things are overall going well  :cheer: :hug: It sounds like lots of exciting things are on the horizon for you and you daughter, really hopeful for you both. Love always, Elpha  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 05, 2018, 10:03:52 PM
thanks for the warm wishes and kind thoughts, sweetie.  love and hugs back atcha.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 09, 2018, 02:05:03 PM
grabbed hold of some anger on a conscious level last nite, a week after an incident that happened with the mr. and me.   he was going to  show me a defensive move in kung fu, which he's in the process of learning, a move that can ultimately easily break a shoulder or elbow. 

i thought he was going to show me how to do it.  instead, he showed me how he does it, and i ended up on the floor - shaken, but not hurt.  thankfully, we had a big cushy ottoman right there that broke my fall.  this began going thru my mind a few days ago, but i couldn't quite consciously figure out what was happening in my mind, and when i could, i wasn't able to express it tangibly until last nite.

this stuff bugs me cuz i can't get it out, can't feel it at the time, so it'l like i have to bring it up over and over, both in my mind and with someone else until it finally feels to me like i gathered it all to be able to finally clear it out.   i wrote it all down to him in an email (which he never reads), but it felt good to finally cleanse myself of the feeling and the reasons behind it.

he'd asked me what i learned, told me that i learned that i don't have a chance against someone who's trained in any of the martial arts.  what i finally wrote this morning was that i hadn't learned that - i already knew that.  however, i did learn that he felt threatened by me grabbing hold of his wrist, and immediately went into a defensive mode, easily taking me down.  he thought his teacher would be glad to hear how immediate and automatic that was.

my take on it is a bit different.  i don't think he has anything to be proud of in defeating an older women with no training at all.  and what i learned is that he is not a teacher cuz he can't monitor between a real and perceived threat, so i don't want to try to learn anything like that from him anymore.

even tho a week late, and several nights/days of gathering all this information together (which made for some discomfort and bad feelings), i'm glad to finally have gotten it together and gotten it out.  don't know if i'll be able to talk to him about it - this has been discussed twice already, and i've been told by various people that i tend to keep dragging the dead horse out and beating it by continuing to talk about it.

it's frustrating, tho.  it doesn't get to rest until i'm able to talk something to death.  not good for relationships.  very frustrating.  don't know what exactly to do with this.  my heart was pounding when i wrote it out, and that's better now.  i don't know if this relationship is going to go anywhere.  that thought has raced across my mind several times.  don't know how stable he is.  well, he doesn't either - he's told me that about himself.  i guess we'll see.  limbo.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on October 09, 2018, 02:22:46 PM
What!?!?

That is worth bringing up over and over till you find peace and come to an understanding!  This is not a beating a dead horse situation. Not even a little!!!

Those people are wrong.  Just sayin.

Physical assault is a HUGE trigger for me.  My husband is very gentle and even in jest, if he shows the slightest aggression I'm derailed.

I guess what I'm saying is that i want to validate your feelings on this.  I would be shaken by it and I think you are correct in not letting it go.
Sending you clarity sweetie  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Blueberry on October 09, 2018, 05:34:29 PM
I second Deep Blue in saying "What!?!? Would be a huge trigger for me too. imho that's not a way to teach!!

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 09, 2018, 02:05:03 PM
it's frustrating, tho.  it doesn't get to rest until i'm able to talk something to death.  not good for relationships.  very frustrating.  don't know what exactly to do with this. 

That's what it's like for me too. I presume this is another one of these cptsd-related things. Not being able to let something like this rest till we've talked it out (why my posts are so long ;) ). I know you've written before that you get a delayed reaction. Me too. Which means I often cannot address the problem at the time because I can't feel what's going on. Then people can get around it (my FOO does) by saying "That was last week, I don't remember." Or Ts, counsellors, social workers might say "it only makes sense if you address the problem at the time, dragging up stuff from the past is not useful". Partially they are correct, I do understand what they're saying about not re-hashing everything from the last 10 years, but for people like me and I presume you who sometimes take a few days to even figure out what was wrong, this cannot always apply. I think if people care about us, then they will be willing to hear us out on big issues like this sometime later.
:hug: :hug:

(That was a very useful post for me to write. Thank you for providing the opportunity, though as usual i'm really sorry you needed to. I hope I'm on topic enough, not reading too much of my own stuff into it.) 

Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Three Roses on October 09, 2018, 05:50:23 PM
Totally agree with what's been said here. It's the same for me - I go into some sort of shock mode or something, and can't think clearly until after the event is over. I suppose it's some sort of survival technique.

Quoteand i've been told by various people that i tend to keep dragging the dead horse out and beating it by continuing to talk about it.

In my experience this happens to me when an issue is not resolved well enough for me. I at least need to feel that I've been heard, and if I don't I find myself returning to it again and again.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 09, 2018, 09:17:29 PM
deep blue, i really appreciate your validation about this.  thank you so.   i can understand how people don't want to hear over and over that what they did was 'wrong', but that's never my point in bringing it up again.  i'm sure that's why i've been told 'i've heard this before, i understand, now i feel bad all over again.'   i'm just trying to work it thru my bruised and battered brain till it comes out clean. 

unfortunately, that means repeating the original situation and their part in it, and how i've been putting pieces together until the puzzle finally feels finished for me.  it's not about me taking them to task over and over, but of finding all those hidden pieces in my brain that don't know how to show themselves all at once.

blueberry, i found your post quite on topic all the way, and i appreciate knowing i'm not alone in this.  thank you so muvh. i also know my alexithymia doesn't allow my emotions to be gathered up and presented at the time it's pertinent, which is why this stuff can be so frustrating.  at the time, my mind was just shaken, so i couldn't process any more of anything.  i chalked it up to an unfortunate mistake, and let it go.

but it niggled at the back of my mind, began making itself known a few days ago after we talked about it again.  i thought i'd gotten it out to him ok, but truly, the anger hadn't surfaced yet.  so, i now want to express that as well in a more direct manner.  don't know if i can, which is why i wrote it.  i may tell him to read the email.  i'm sometimes better at writing these things when i don't feel pressured by the spoken word.

3roses, that's exactly how i feel at these times - the issue isn't resolved enough for me.  it doesn't feel cleared out.  thank you for putting it into the correct words for me.    i don't doubt that it's a survival mechanism - retreat, take it, leave it be.  with my alexithymia, it's also that the emotions and recognition of them aren't available to me at the time cuz my brain wasn't wired correctly to have that capacity.  ugh.

so, it was a xanax day for me, and it really helped calm my mind.  i don't know what will happen with this going forward.  i'm still afraid of saying this stuff out loud to him.  maybe i can read what i wrote.  maybe i can ask him to read it and give me his thoughts.  i'm not sure what i want to do with this going forward.  it felt good to write it.  i suspect it won't be enough eventually.  and my anxiety leaps to the fore.

so, enough for now.  i'll update if i do something else in the future with this.  i told him that i'll simply put a magic bubble of protection to encompass me when i'm alone, and he can protect me when i'm with him.  it just came out like that. 

thank you all for your responses, tho.  they helped so much.   i don't know how this is going to go forward.  i don't like feeling nervous about talking about issues.  that doesn't set right with me.   still, i won't know how it will play out till i give it a shot.  we'll see.   maybe he'll surprise me.  hmmmm . . .
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 11, 2018, 02:25:13 PM
how quickly things can change, and i don't know why.  i haven't heard from the mr. for 4 days (we'd been talking pretty much daily) and i haven't a clue as to what's going on.  i've called twice at strategic times, but no callback.  now i'm in a holding pattern.  don't know if something's going on with him, if he read my email angry rant, or what.

so, i have no idea how to feel about playing the waiting game, or how long this is going to last.  maybe it's the end is all i can think.  actually, i wouldn't be too bad with that - i've been on pins and noodles a lot during this time, have heard lots of complaining about him having to travel to see me, how much money it costs just for gas, etc.  i don't know.  maybe it's for the best.

he's so up in the air about so many things.  just re-discovering himself, making plans to move out of the house, has re-introduced drinking into his life differently than what it had been, but still.  lots of big talk about plans for us, then retractions.  it was getting so that i couldn't really believe anything he said unless it actually happened.   reminded me a lot of mexico, actually.

i don't understand that sort of mentality.  talking the talk but not following thru on walking the walk.  it's not my style.  on the other hand, mexico gave me a lot of practice in learning about it.  i'm putting that practice to good use now.

if this is about my anger rant, and he actually read the email, all i can say is that it's been a pattern in my life for forever.  others can get mad and act stupid and i can forgive or overlook it, but when i do the same thing i end up paying neg. consequences.  i've never understood that, but it's happened over and over.  this may be another case of it, i don't know.

so, whatever's going on, i'll be ok.  i remember thinking a few weeks ago that i just wanted this past visit to happen, and then i'd be satisfied.  it happened, and basically, i am.  if this is the end (fatalistic thinking prepares me), at least i gave it a shot.  feelings are on hold till i find out what's going on.  limbo, again.  dang, i'm sick of being in this place.

otherwise, i'm busy, doing work for/with my d, and she and i are getting along fabulously.  i've got some of my own stuff in the works as well, which feels good.  all in all, i'm ok.  just needed to get this out.  it's stabilizing.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on October 11, 2018, 02:32:13 PM
San, I am glad you are getting all of this out. That limbo stage is frustrating and not good for either of you. I hope it clears up in a way that everyone involved can be okay with. You deserve for him to be more certain or at least communicative about her thought processes. Sending lots of love and hope for clarity on these things.

It is wonderful to hear your work with/for your daughter is going so well. It sounds like this part of the new adventure is truly working out for the best for both of you.   :hug:

Remember the ems is always there, even just to sit next to you as you work through all of this. She can be a wonderful, quiet, and grounding presence.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 12, 2018, 01:31:43 PM
thanks, sweetie, for the ems reminder.  like you, i often don't remember her at the times i need her most.  weird how that happens.

my mantra this week has been 'trust the magic'.  no word from the mr. yet, so i'm getting more fed up, frustrated, and thinking in finalities.  this silent treatment does not set well with me.  i'm definitely one to talk things out.  right now, i'm quite frustrated, angry, hurt (i'm dredging for feelings right now - there's not too much of any of these, but i'm assuming they're there).

this makes me think that this relationship is not what i want, not this way, and he's been on a very self-absorbed path lately, which i don't think is a bad thing, per se, but this kind of treatment toward me, this 'shunning' is one of the worst behaviors to use in a relationship.  i see it as a manipulation of the highest order.  there can be no movement at all if one person isn't communicating.

so, i let out some anger yesterday, beating the bed and cursing him out, which felt good.  as this time without anything from him continues and gets longer, my interest in continuing grows shorter.  i've called him twice at the beginning of the week, 2 different days at 2 usually opportune times, and no response.  i'm not calling anymore.  i was calling every day pretty much before this.  no more chasing after someone. 

so, up in the air in my beautiful balloon.   i really wanted our last weekend to happen, and it did, and i'm glad, and i can be ok with a life without him now.  we'd even made plans for him to come here for thanksgiving.  that's a bit strange to me - how he could have been so gung ho about us, and then nothing since then.

unless he read my angry rant email and decided he was having nothing more to do with me because of that.  it was pretty major, and i let it all out, which felt good.  so, i don't really regret it.  i would've been feeling much worse today if i'd kept all those thoughts and opinions inside, keeping them absorbed, so to speak.

on the other hand, he'd gotten mad and said horrible things at the house, and we got past that.  i just wonder, if he indeed read what i wrote, if that's not ok when it comes from me instead of him.  that's happened too many times in my life - when i finally get my anger out, it seems to backfire on me.

on the other hand, maybe his damage, perspective, perceptions re: this relationship are too far gone, skewed.  maybe he can't function in a give and take atmosphere.  maybe he feels threatened.  ah, screw it.  who knows?  certainly not i.  only he does, and he ain't talkin'. 

bleccchh - just wanted to puke this crapola out. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on October 12, 2018, 01:44:28 PM
My dear, I am not sure why we forget her when we need her most but it is like any other coping mechanism. It takes time to remember to use it when we are under stress.

I would be really frustrated with the no contact as well, but I am glad you are not calling him. He will talk when he is ready, and if that never comes than I don't think he is who you want, as you also expressed. Just want to validate all of this, and send you all the clarity and healing that I can. Being in limbo is often harder than losing someone at least in my experience.

Lot of warm hugs to you  :hug: I will be on the porch today if you need anything
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 12, 2018, 01:49:58 PM
thank you for the validation, el, especially about not calling him.  i needed that.

i'm joining you on the porch, just for being with you.  that seems very calming, soothing, and relaxing.  thanks for that.  lots of love and hugs and smiles together.  i like that thought a lot.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on October 12, 2018, 01:51:08 PM
Always glad that I can help. Sitting with you sounds truly wonderful this morning.  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on October 12, 2018, 07:03:07 PM
Sweetie,
You are processing so many emotions all at the same time... anger, betrayal, sadness, frustration.... and there are others too.  That would be a lot to bite off for anyone. 

In school today I did an activity with my students.  We wrote our name on a piece of paper and then crumpled it up and threw it.  Everyone grabbed a new paper and opened it up and wrote something nice about the person whose name was on it.  We did this several times.  Finally we gave the paper back to the person whose name was on it.  They all left feeling very happy and grateful for each other.  What more could I want?

If I wrote on your paper San, I'd say:
Sweetie, you are strong, intelligent and well spoken.  You have an ability to cut right to the problem and allow others to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Your thoughtfulness and heart have picked me up so many times friend.  I adore you and am so so so grateful for you being in my life
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Hope67 on October 13, 2018, 08:20:17 AM
Hi SanMagic,
I would also feel some strong emotions about the lack of contact from your Mr - it must be very hard to cope with, but I hope very much that you are ok, and that you can find your way through it.  Hopefully he will finally make some contact so you can talk to each other about things.  It's the lack of knowing sometimes that can be the worst thing - at least I think so.
Just wanted to send you a warm and supportive hug, and also let you know that you are a wonderful person.   :hug:
Hope  :)
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 13, 2018, 10:29:52 PM
el, the stint on the porch was perfect.  i'm going back there this evening.  lots to just be with  thanks for being there, for being you.

deep blue, somehow you touch a part of me that was missing from my mother - like you hear my child and respond to her.  well, it's what you do with kids, isn't it.  and, you're terrific at it.  i've gone over what you said many, many times, and i can't thank you enough for saying it.  just want you to know that you are a precious gem in my life, and i'm so grateful for you.

hope, i swear you're one of the angels that walk the earth.  your gentleness and kindness always show thru in your responses, and touch my heart like angel wings.  thank you so much - you are precious to me.

well, i'm celebrating my freedom today.  sent a simple email to the mr.  subject:  communication.  body of the email:  i'm done.

i know i'll have to let feelings and stuff run thru my mind, and that may take awhile, but i'm officially finished with him.  too volatile, too unreliable, too irresponsible, too unstable - the list goes on, but that's enough for this rant.  it's like i had to give him enough rope and he'd either tie it up in a pretty bow or hang himself with it.  so, it's dead.

had a long talk about it with my d, too, and shared what everyone here said to me.  all of you have helped me so much thru this, but, yes, i'm thru it and i'll be more than ok.  my d said she thought our personalities were polar opposites, so she didn't understand the relationship at all.

well, it was mostly about me getting laid, getting some of my touch needs met.  of course i invested emotionally in him, but i always do that.  i'm ok with being single again.  it was what it was, it was very good for some parts - we gave each other parts that had been taken away from us by others, but in the end, he's not ready for an adult relationship.  gotta watch out for those boys with mommy issues.

still, no regrets.  glad i did it, now i'm glad it's over.  thank you all for your help and support and validation with this.  on to bigger and better things.  love and hugs to all of you - you're the best, truly.  i've told my d how very personal some of us have gotten on this forum, she's been amazed.  altho she's also been helped by online support groups, she's never encountered what i've experienced here.

like someone once said, she's been surprised at how important the people here have become in her life.  so have i, and i wouldn't trade any of you. 
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: sanmagic7 on October 14, 2018, 02:49:24 PM
grieving emotions hit me last nite.  mad and sad, but also glad it's over.  i was knowing even while it was going on that it was way too stressful to be healthy for me, but now i'm beginning to feel the lessening of the stress, and that feels better.  so, another chapter closed, but one that was reaffirming, recharging, and renewing. 

i think i'll move on to a new journal from here - ch. 5.  this seems like a good ending point for this one.  i'm ready to be single.  don't have the desperate urge for a man in my life.  that's been with me for so long, and suddenly it's lessened quite a bit.  it feels different, but good. 

i wonder how much that need to have a man in my life came from insecurity within myself to take care of myself.  it was always, for so long, a need for not only one man, but often even a backup.  right at this moment, that need is diminished.  i may have needed this 'relationship' to put that stuff in place.

at any rate, i'll continue from here in another journal.  this ch. is finished.
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Elphanigh on October 14, 2018, 04:37:51 PM
I am so proud of you for recognizing what you needed to do here. The feelings of grief and sadness will pass, of that I am certain. I am sending you so much love and healing for your new chapter my dear.  :hug:
Title: Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
Post by: Deep Blue on October 14, 2018, 07:38:45 PM
A new journal and a new chapter sounds perfect San.  If I'm being honest, the new place with your d, is a fresh start anyway. (Leave the Mr in the old chapter  :bigwink:)

I am so happy I can help you where your mother didn't.  I think that need to help others and my mama bear meld together. 

On to better things  :hug:   To you friend