Does anyone else get triggered frequently by TV? I wasn't sure where to put this particular post, but my abuser was a sadistic narcissist... so I hope it's ok to put it here.
** Trigger warning (cross between physical and emotional abuse) **
One of my "punishments" was to be put in the trunk of a car. If I performed poorly in athletics... I had to ride home in the trunk. I still struggle with this. So many TV shows seem to have someone in a trunk... they are being kidnapped, hiding, a dead body... blah blah.
Looking back I wonder why I never fought this punishment. I quietly got in the trunk when I was "in trouble." I was so ashamed... I knew disobedience would lead to a worse punishment so I just did it. :Idunno: I look back and realize how abnormal this was. The trunk got hot sometimes and that 15 min drive home sometimes seemed to take forever. I still don't like tight spaces ??? I could have died! What if we were in an accident??
This is the first time I have admitted this happened to anyone except my T. I'm taking a deep breath here before posting this...
Deep blue, thank you for sharing so honestly here. I am sorry you had to go through that. :hug:
As far as the tv shows thing, I have some triggers in that arena as well. I think it is normal for survivors to be triggered by seeing familiar things in tv shows. For me that is often any sort of abuse that is caused by a baby sitter or doctor. I struggle with some of the extreme violence as well, especially surrounding young children.
You are not alone. Sitting with you in this
Oh my dear Deep Blue, I am so very sorry for what you went through. You should never have had to endure this, it was a truly awful and sadistic thing to do. As you say, you couldn't have fought back because very likely things would have gotten much, much worse for you. You did what you had to to survive, as sad and utterly difficult that was.
I hope that sharing this here and maybe with your therapist at some point will help you to work through it. :hug:
It was very, very brave of you to share this part of your story with us. Sadistic is an excellent word choice to describe what you were subjected to. Sometimes I find comfort in something that I once heard: "The vilest predators are attracted to the brightest light."
I excelled at sports at a very young age and was punished for poor performance but in a different way. This became very confusing for me. It caused me to associate my lovability with my performance for the vast majority of my life. I call it performance love and consider it to be extremely damaging to those of us who have grown up that way.
"I knew disobedience would lead to a worse punishment so I just did it." I really like the way you worded this. I can so relate! The people who were assigned to care for us were bigger and stronger than we were. I quickly learned that they would physically hurt me if I did not comply. Your post makes me think of how you are standing up for your inner child and telling us just how bad it was back then. We are here to say, that was horrific! Also, you are not alone anymore and you can open up in a safe place.
I too am easily triggered by TV and movies. I have to be very careful in choosing what I watch.
Elphanigh,
Thanks for sitting with me on this. Thanks for the hug too. Since you mentioned it, violence in TV triggers me too. Physical abuse of women triggers me big time, as does abuse in children.
Kizzie,
Thanks for validating my feelings. If given the option I would choose being locked in a trunk over being physically abused every time. I guess you are right, I did what I needed to do in order to survive. :hug: back to you
California dreaming,
Quote from: California Dreaming on April 28, 2018, 09:54:49 PM
Sometimes I find comfort in something that I once heard: "The vilest predators are attracted to the brightest light."
I do find comfort in that quote. Thanks. I was like you too. I was a gifted athlete at a young age. I'm trying not to minimize and you are right. It was horrific. Thanks for helping me to feel safe :hug: It is the fact that I'm starting to feel better and safer that I was able to post this.
Deep Blue, I completely understand those triggers. I have gotten more able to watched, but it took me a long times my FOO was big into crime shows and such so I had to learn to watch them otherwise I was punished for being a wimp. Had never thought about that but goodness that was abusive in its own way... *sigh* find new things too often
thank you for sharing. what a horrible thing to do to you. i was also one who never ran away from being punished. i meekly accepted it. it's just how it was done in my house.
i, too, get triggered by tv, but often in an opposite manner. i'm triggered by acts of kindness and gestures of love because it's what i didn't get. i also refrain from watching anything that deals with torture, revenge, violence toward women, and any horrors involving kids. my triggers run the gamut.
you're not alone in this, deep blue. with you all the way. love and hugs.
Elphanigh,
Thanks for always understanding. My H is super into crime shows. I think he believes I have a small bladder or something because I usually excuse myself when things get too triggering. He knows nothing of my trauma. I purposely keep him in the dark
:Idunno:
Trigger warning **
Sanmagic,
I feel so ashamed for never fighting it. Why didn't I tell anyone? Why didn't I say no? Why did I just climb in the trunk over and over? I would try to feel the turns and figure out where we were on the road. How much longer till I could get out? It smelled like oil and I prayed we wouldn't hit any lights. I still get triggered by the model of car... I wish I could let go of my blame for all of it. It's ok though, Still standing and working through it.
how could you fight it? how could any of us as kids fight it? we were taking care of ourselves as best we could. no shame or blame there. like you said, to not do what was expected of you brought on the fear of much worse torture, abandonment, whatever. we didn't have power as kids. the adults had all the power. how could we compete with that?
we couldn't. we didn't have the logic, the resources, the strength or the energy. all we wanted was to get the punishment over with as soon as possible. you weren't at fault in any way for this happening to you. where could you run to? you'd have to eventually go home and face something even worse.
we were trapped, vulnerable, and held up to unrealistic expectations. the shame belongs to the people who did those things to us, not to ourselves. i'm right beside you on this. i'm glad you have the strength and determination now to acknowledge what happened, share it, and hopefully to lessen its impact. the shame and blame are on them. they were the ones who made us believe we had no alternative but to acquiesce, as mind-numbingly horrible as that was.
you did what was best for you is all. such a sense of survival, such strength to withstand it. your instincts took over and you made it through. thankfully for that, you're still with us today. glad you're here. love and hugs.
Sanmagic,
You are right. I did say no one time... and I lived to regret it. I survived, I'm safe, I'm here living my life now. Thanks for the reminder. I'll try to stop blaming myself... well I'll try to blame myself less :bigwink: baby steps
:hug: :hug: :hug:
Just needing some virtual hugs so I can take a deep breath and keep going today
What a horrible and degrading thing to do to you! :hug: :hug:
Yes, even those of us who objected in some way couldn't win against abusers.
Thanks for the hugs blueberry.
Everyone,
I've been feeling on the up and up lately. Thanks for your support and validation on this post. I really appreciate you all helping me ground when the world starts getting fuzzy.
I was laying there thinking about what your father did to you Deep Blue and I had this thought that if we had an artist in our midst we could ask them to redraw your past for younger you. I pictured a sketch of everyone who posted here forming a protective barrier between you and your father, and several of us helping you out of the trunk. Your father is standing off to the side and a police officer is talking to him and taking out his handcuffs Your F is looking at the ground.
In a second sketch, you are standing face-to-face with your F whose hands are behind his back. It is clear from your face he cannot do anything like that to you ever again - he knows it and you know it. We're all standing behind you as is the police officer, a person in lawyer's robes and another in a judge's robes, people from your childhood community, maybe even some enlightened family members (if there were any who might not have known what you were going through but would have stepped in had they realized).
Kizzie, that is such a great image. I really wish I had enough artistic talent to draw that
Kizzie,
I don't really have words... thanks. I'm going to keep that image in my mind forever. Each time that type of memory invades my mind I have your lovely image to fight it with. Thanks :hug: :hug: :hug:
I'm so glad it helped Deep Blue, I hope you can hang onto the images when the past creeps in and that Little Blue begins to feel stronger. :hug:
So I did some exposure therapy with the trunk memory yesterday. I did well overall. Make and model pictures were fine. I was even able to talk about it for a bit.
Last night I was wrecked with nightmares. How do I change the narrative in a dream? I was ok today... just emotionally exhausted.
Now tonight my H made me watch NCIS New Orleans and they had a scene with a girl in a trunk.
I quit!!!!
Sending all the healing energy and then safe hugs if those are okay for you in this moment.
Nightmares are tricky, especially when brought on by therapy. I have had many. The only way I have had that changed the narrative was getting to fully process the memory itself (or you can directly process the nightmare) we did a few different methods with mine when I was in a really bad stretch of them, it took a few weeks but that nightmare did change some. It hasn't really plagued me since.
That being said I know you are doing exposure therapy and I am not sure how that works in to what I have said. My T switches between several sets of things for me, because my needs ant diffrent sessions and even mid session shift so wildly. Still getting a handle on finding what works well for different pieces. It might be something to discuss with your T. Nightmares come as part of the territory but it is something that can definitely be eased
My worst fears and memories come up come when I am falling asleep, asleep and/or waking up. I've come to think of it as the primal part of me being allowed to express itself without the control of the executive or adult part of me. It's frightening I know and I am so sorry you were triggered into a nightmare. You did better in the therapy session though so perhaps you are beginning to deal with the unthinkable?
FWIW I took a lot away from the reading I have done here and in books about trying to sit with those feelings as best I can when I have them. They are important, they are how we experienced things when we were trapped and traumatized and why we have suppressed and avoided them for so long. Who in their right mind ever wants to feel those things again? No-one! Like you there are still things that trigger me, but the good news is the feelings are diminishing overall and maybe the same will happen for you. I am rooting for you :cheer:
Elphanigh,
We started processing the memory in therapy this week. It was honestly fine, until she asked about the smell. At that point the flashback came and I called it quits for the day. I didn't have a panic attack or anything. I just didn't like the intrusive flashback so I asked if we could ground and put it away. Maybe if I finish fully processing the memory it will give me less nightmares? I will talk to T about this thanks. From you :hug: are always good.
Kizzie,
I think you are right. I need to sit with the memory and stop pushing it away. Maybe if I sit with it, I won't get attacks at night. I left therapy thinking I had done a good job with the memory over all. Now I wonder... if I had the panic attack, maybe I wouldn't have had all the nightmares? Last night I got nailed with the panic attack and didn't have as many nightmares. There may be something to sitting with the feelings.
:hug: :hug: :hug: thanks for rooting for me when you have your own stuff going on.
:bighug:
Deep Blue, I am sure that these will get better as you go. Sending :hug: :hug: :hug: to you and lots of healing energy. Nightmares are tough, but I promise you are doing a great job. Facing them is such hard work and you are diving right in.