Hello,
I'm 41 years old and was in a bad marriage with a narcissist for 20 years at what point he left me, took a huge amount of my family's money and had a second life with another woman for 18 of those years. I'm surviving a battle for my daughter who is now 12 to be able to stay with me and away from his issues. When his control was gone my mother's stepped in. I can't be me even now and am a people pleaser who never can please her. I am miserable and not doing well with anxiety, fear, etc. I'm not sure that this didn't start in childhood since I basically moved from her control to his. 😔
I do t know how to go on day to day when I'm a constant failure and can never do anything right. I'm getting counseling but it's so little with very little effect.
😔
You've been through their control for a very long time. Don't lose hope. Have faith in yourself and your abilities. It takes some time.
Welcome to the forum :heythere:
It's not uncommon to be controlled by parents in an abusive way (emotionally / psychologically abusive) and then move into an abusive partnership or marriage. When our parents don't model healthy relationships for us or live a healthy relationship with us, how can we expect ourselves to recognise an unhealthy one and stay clear? It's not your fault. It's great that you've recognised your marriage now for what it is.
You aren't a failure! Look at the steps you're taking to care for yourself: you recognised a problem, you got into counselling, and you found OOTS and joined up. Those are great steps in self-care. :applause: :cheer:
My family of origin (FOO) always told me I was a failure so I learned to think that way about myself. With work I have been able to at least weaken the message. I don't tell myself that anymore constantly.
This is a great forum, I've thought that since my first day, long before I was a mod. Tons of information here as well as lots of validation and support. Keep dropping by, it does get better. :hug:
Hello Wendy,
I really feel for you. Moving from one negative relationship to another is a pretty common theme here. When a person has a tough FOO it taints our view of future relationships.
:heythere: welcome and I hope this forum can help you in your healing.
Thank you so much. ♥️ It's like I need an AA type sponsor person, or that program, but not sure how you fix you while still having almost constant contact with the thing you're having issues with.
😔
Hi Wendy and a warm welcome to OOTS :heythere:
You may want to take a look at our sister site Out of the Fog which is for those dealing with someone who has a Personality Disorder. Your M may be one and you said your H is one so it will likely resonate with you. OOTF has a lot of good info/strategies for dealing with N's (e.g., setting and maintaining boundaries). It really helped me deal with the N's in my life just as OOTS helps me with CPTSD.