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Messages - barbidoll

#1
Andy,
  I used to have more faith that there was a system in place to protect me and my kids. Now I am not sure there is any protection.  I am not sure that I can get anyone to believe me or hear me in a world where the loudest and most obnoxious feels more valued. I see outright unbelievable lies in the world and when I see people believe them I feel hopeless. 
  I live in a state where CPS is overburdened and been criticized for letting kids fall through the cracks but instead of checking on those kids they keep being sent back to me. How messed up is that? You know what is truly messed up is that my ex is a mandatory reporter using CPS in a vendetta. By law he is supposed to report suspected child abuse because he is a teacher. I have wondered if he has ever gotten angry enough with a student's parents to call out of vindictiveness. He has done it to his wife.
   
   
#2
Sanmagic,
I have called a couple of times to see if they can help me out and my only answer was to find a way to get down there. It sucks that it is on a different side of town than me.  I live in a fairly decent sized city but it often feels like a small town because finding some services close to home can be a pain in the butt.
  You are right they wouldn't do it if they cared about the kids.  My daughter even put in a letter to her father that she wrote a while back  that she knows  they were calling CPS. Still isn't apparently stopping them.   Heck one of times she came from their house and told me they did it. 
    I think I might prepare a letter before I go so I don't forget anything while I am down there or blank under pressure.  I need all the help I can get. 

 
#3
Andy,
My kids have a holiday coming up for Thanksgiving so I am going to try and go to the Domestic Violence Center then.  I just need to figure out with my older son because he does not really understand that abuse is going on and I am not sure how to handle it that he doesn't know.  He looks for the best in his Dad even while telling me Dad is angry a lot and Dad growls when they spend money. Not sure how often that growling thing happens but yeah I remember that growl. He has these looks and growls that let you know he is not happy. When I know he is angry I can picture that face even of he is not right there. I have a hard time even looking at him because that face sets me on edge. 
Sanmagic,
When I read your response I felt shaky.  Hearing someone say no wonder you are this way means a lot to me.  I don't think my family even realizes how much damage these men have done to me.  I can't explain the fear, the shame and how when they pull their stuff it leaves me anxious and my head spinning for days. I can't explain how even when it is calm I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.  When my sister consistently reminds me that I can't change these guys it furstrates me. I know I can't but I would like some peace.  I would like to not feel like answering my door is risky business or taking a phone call might be full of judgement. I would like to not feel like making a decision where my kids are concerned could lead to more harassment. I would like to not got to bed at night and feel so much anxiety I can't sleep like last night where it took me hours to settle down enough to sleep despite exhaustion.
  The double teaming is an analogy I have thought of.  The craziest part to me is that I have to worry about the wife of one them because she is just as toxic. I guess sometimes it feels more like triple teaming.  When my daughter's child support was up for review this woman would call and harass me. I remember at one point she said, "My family will remember this!"  I don't take her or her husbands calls anymore. At one point this county attorney suggested that was something that could change and I was like, "Uh uh, no way!"   
  I am going to get down to the domestic violence center hopefully around Thanksgiving week. My kids schedules are all over the place. My youngest goes to a school program that only lasts a few hours so it makes it hard for me to do things on other sides of town since I don't have anyone to help pick kids up.  I need to go.  I need help. I have been trying to deal on my own and it has not been working. 
  Thank you again for the validation. At times I doubt the severity and craziness of my situation.  This week I have been struggling because of CPS showing up at my door on Friday.  I can't even describe how much shame and fear this invoked in me.  Awhile back I was talking to the stepmom of my daughter's stepmom and she said that they didn't want her. I couldn't quite wrap my head around why they would call CPS if they didn't. Well if their sole intent was to harass and make me afraid they have succeeded admirably. Everytime I have a sick kid or a kid falls and hurts themselves I am afraid I will hear from CPS.  Honestly just the thought of losing my kids for any reason is enough to invoke paralyzing fear in me.  Shoot when my littlest was a baby in the hospital with RSV they called CPS. 
   I guess I have been struggling this week and for someone to acknowledge the double teaming is a big deal because at this stage it's all so tangled up together for me. 

 

   
 
#4
Music / A good song..
November 01, 2017, 11:55:27 PM
Thought I would share this song.  It is one of my favorite angry songs.  It is how I feel when leaving a toxic relationship.   I actually have left most of my possessions behind to leave one relationship.  I would never talk to someone like this but it reminds me why I have had to leave and why I need to continue to protect myself. Plus I  totally sympathize with the line, "I was wrong, so @$#&*@! wrong".   I have been so wrong in the past.

https://youtu.be/rBxhnp_QQY4
#5
Blueberry,
  I have had so many of these in the last couple of years. I almost feel like chicken little because it feels like i I make the wrong one disaster can happen.  I am not sure if it's an EF but I feel so trapped in them.
  A year ago it was suggested to me to apply for disability for my daughter. I still haven't done it because of what if. 
#6
So this morning we were about to head out the door to get my older son to school and he has a diarhea accident. So I call the school to let them know and it is suggested that I watch him and bring him later. So  he has still been going this morning and I feel trapped.  I feel like I HAVE to get my son to school and at the same time am wondering should I even be taking him when he just went again 20 minutes ago. He doesn't have a fever but he has been having this issue for a few months. He has a yearly checkup coming up where I plan on talking to his doctor about it. The thing is I am terrified either way.  What if I take him and he has an accident at school? What if I don't take them and the school sees me as a bad mom? I already think they don't view me too well because of my son's mental health and my son repeating stuff about me not being good with money his father has told to  to the school counselor.  I am literally sitting here in fear at this moment because I feel scared either way. Or what if I get him part of the way and he has another accident?
  Last night I found myself getting annoyed and angry with my son's friend's father. Also was really uncomfortable when he brought giving out liquor bottles for Halloween to kids for their parents. I was annoyed when he seemed to be taking charge and I actually have a system for trick or treating. Angry when he decided we are done and I was not nearly done and then when he actually told his kid, "I thought everyone else was ready to go" I was pissed that he twisted reality like that. I did not completely lose it but  think I was overreacting possibly. I  good at holding in anger though so even though I was mad I kept it to myself. I mean I guess he was looking out for his kid even though I was really scratching my head over him not feeding the kid before trick or treating and him saying his 9-10 year old goes to bed at 7:30, especially when expressed exasperation that his son wakes up at 4:30. That kind of happens when a kid goes to bed too early. This guy really rubbed me the wrong way. I felt uncomfortable the whole time and I was really tempted to let him find his way back to my apartments where his car was parked and continue on with my kids.  I am probably not explaining this well but this guy set off all kinds danger signals to my brain.
  Yesterday the bus aide for my youngest son asked if she could buy stuff for him and she said, "I don't want to hurt your feelings." I immediately start thinking what did that mean and today I felt really uncomfortable and on guard with her.   What was she trying to say?
  Even sometimes posting stuff on the internet triggers me thinking I did something wrong, even on here. 
   
#7
Vanilla,
  I wish I could say I completely severed from this person but I haven't not really.  I have let him make me jump and even allowed contact when I should never have.  I guess I believed that he was changing even when I had evidence to say he was not in my emails.  It wasn't until he called our son drunk last year and then the following day he threatend to kill me  that I started putting up boundaries again Even now I know I allow too much.   Trying though to figure out what boundaries I can put up without seeming like an uncooperative co parent.
  When I look at my emails from him I am terrified to think what he could have told our son over the years.  Yesterday I realized that I don't think he has ever shown remorse or taken responsibility for any of the stuff he has done. Things that I thought were attempts were just more shade thrown at me I think. Like telling me he still has a lot of anger I thought was him admitting to his anger back before I left now I am thinking he was referring to anger at me leaving which makes more sense with what he has told our son.  At least I think my son is starting to realize but I am terrified that his father could turn on him if he tries to defend me. 
#8
Caroline,
  I have had this thinking myself. Yes it does often feel like there is a sign on my head.  I have actually decided to stay single until my youngest is 18 at least because I am just not putting them through anymore of the bull.  I don't trust myself. I have joked with people that if I end up with anymore kids the next ones father will probably be a serial killer because it seems like the men I have chosen have been progressively worse. 
  I have been scared to ask for help because I am afraid I won't be believed because of it. 
#9
Serenity,
  It makes me a bit nervous to hear your partner saying they are going to leave and going back and forth on it. Probably because of my own experience with others using something like that to try and get their own way so maybe my nerves don't relate to you in that sense. I am not sure of his motivations. Do you think he is genuinely thinking this or using it to as a weapon? I ask because I don't think leaving is something you need to mention a lot. I once had an ex who many years ago was angry over something and kept trying to push me out of the car and when I would try to get out he would pull me back.  It was highly distressing and confusing. I just wanted him to stop so yeah I would have gotten out of that car in the middle of the night and started walking. That push/pull is a real mind @$%#.  In my opinion, leaving does not need to be mentioned a whole bunch of times.  I have left without saying anything. I have also left after giving an ultimatum for my ex to get help. Regardless of your partner's motivations or state of mind it is distressing to you and if said in front of the kids probably distressing to them as well.  If your partner is truly interested in having a healthy relationship this should be a concern for them.
  I think the fact you are on the road to recovery is a good thing. If your partner is truly interested in saving the relationship maybe couples counseling might be of some use if your partner is willing?  I know you said he is not listening right now but have you tried both of you addressing your concerns when you are both calm and have plenty of time to cool?
   I am trying to give your partner the benefit of the doubt but the whole leaving thing and changing the mind worries me for you.   You say you are falling apart more and I wonder if these threats are contributing to it? 
  I don't know if I make sense here but I do worry about how much those threats are contributing to your state of mind.
 
#10
Quote from: ah on October 31, 2017, 09:27:44 PM
barbidoll,

i'm so sorry he did that. yikes! whereas you did the natural, right thing. you shared it with him thinking you were building an intimacy with someone close to you. you did what people do when they're close to one another. the one who broke the rules was your ex.

sounds a lot like my abusers. the same use of people's greatest pains. i'm ashamed of having shared things with them, not realizing (just like you) what they were. i'm furious at myself for it and i'm often eaten alive by the "what if's", but i didn't know i was talking to a monster at the time! i didn't... i know what you mean. you're not alone.
Your monster comment makes think of something my sister has said after leaving a bad relationship. She says, "You don't see the mark of the devil until it is too late."  I didn't realize either.  It makes me feel so shamed that I didn't see it. Not only did I not see it then but other times in other relationships.  It sucks finding out too late that you are not dealing with someone with compassion and basic decency.
#11
Andyman73,
  When I have called CPS at others urging they blow me off. The last time I did I just gave up. I don't have a lot of faith in them since apparently a non custodial parent can use them to harass an ex and then when the ex calls with genuine concerns like alcoholism and fighting around the kids they ignore it.  One time a caseworker started calling them out on their bull and they called her supervisor which almost made me have to sign a safetly plan to cover their butts. I actually have tried to match up what they have claimed to me are their standards for opening a case with all the times my daughter's father has called and it doesn't match what they told me.
  I get you about the kids. I have hated my kids being involved in any of this. Back when my daughter was in the hospital I cried my eyes out wishing I could sign away child support so they would leave my daughter alone. It feels like dirty money to me.  I actually decided a couple of years ago that I am staying single at the very least until my last child is 18 to keep them out of any further craziness. 
#12
Andyman73,
  Isn't it just surreal when someone like that tries to convince others you are the bad one?  Like my daughter's father whose favorite trick is calling CPS on me. Oh yeah a little birdy told me he has done it to his own wife too.   I had that pulled on me again last week. Apparently my 15 year old is babysitting which is bad because of her mental health. This is a lie and not very original since they have done it before. Still never fails to stress me out and get my heart racing.  I found out on Friday and I have noticed everytime I stop doing stuff I can feel the pounding of my heart and being on edge. 
  Full confession: I am a little worried I won't be able to get people to believe me since I have two controlling and abusive exes still at work on me.   I have decided that if I can't make it to the domestic violence center before the Thanksgiving Break that I will go during that week. Yes I do have lots of emails, texts and voicemails saved from my son's father. I wish I had more on my daughter's father. He seems to be controlled enough to know when to behave. Well for the mpst partm He did get the cops called on him when he made a scene while our daughter was in the hospital.  He left though before they got there and the hospital happened to be just over the state line.  I wish I had recorded the time he threatened to call CPS because he didn't want to pay more child support. I called him out on past times and he admitted it. Oh yeah and I do have a call list from the police department of multiple domestic calls to his house.  Oh wait I do have a message where he says his wife was going to drunk call anf harass our daughter. The thing is  this one is a bit better at playing the victim than my son's father and he does have a pretty good scapegoat in his wife.  She is an alcoholic with a temper so he can deflect to her. I kind of wonder if they are both narcissists? What I do know is had the behavior of a narcissist before he met her. I even asked a former boss who knew him before I did and he said he doesn't care who he steps on to get what he wants.
  Anyway I am exhausted and really sick of constantly feeling my heart is going to pound out of my chest so I will be going to that center as soon as I am able.  I have hid how anxious the CPS visit made me all weekend from my kids.  Although I do feel a little bit of pride because I did let the worker know right away who it was and pointed out how they have been using CPS like this on me for years.  Usually I just meekly let them in and just start answering their questions but something made me speak up this time. She actually said she wanted to close it before coming out because it seemed suspicious.
  Anyway on my son's father he went out of town and didn't let me know he would not be picking our son up for the weekend.  I enjoyed having him home. One day his Dad was texting him and got anxious I guess because he didn't answer. When he called him he asked if he was still in our city. My son did not get this but I have emails where he pulls something similar on me more than once. He starts accusing me of taking our son out of the city or state when he doesn't get a response when he thinks he should. My son explained we had been busy. My son was not happy that Dad said something about doubting Mom is busy. 
   I am probably rambling as a result of not having internet access this weekend and being stuck in my head. Please forgive the messiness of my brain.
   
#13
General Discussion / Re: Get over it already
October 31, 2017, 06:51:46 PM
Thanks everyone!  :) Been off for a few days because I had phone issues so just got a chance to see the replies.
  Blueberry,
  You are so right about just getting it out. My son's school counselor actually brought up him wanting me back after I had posted this and I can't express how vomit worthy that thought is.  I don't care why so much as I want him to just go away. Is that terrible? 
Andyman73,
  Yeah I think he really does miss the control.  I am sheepish to admit though he has had more control over me since I left than I should have allowed. Working on stopping that too. 
  Your wife sounds like a winner.  Not wanting to sleep with someone who puts you down? I totally can sympathize.  I think with my exes I hit points where my mind knew what was going on but I hadn't quite gotten there and I didn't want to have sex with them anymore.  With this one ex I have texts where he talks about sex from a year ago and they make me nauseous that he even thought it was a possibility.
  I wish you luck getting out. You need to take care of you.  You deserve better.  :)
JamesG,
A brooder? Hmm yeah I think he can be. When I start seeing him send me email after email all I can imagine is him sitting at his computer with his beer and getting angrier and angrier.  He is almost 60 so I definitely don't think the odds of him getting better are very high. 

#14
General Discussion / Re: Get over it already
October 26, 2017, 12:24:07 AM
Good point.  On the upside when my son told me some things Dad had said and this about mom and Dad being together today I asked him if he thought Mom should be with a man who says the things Dad says about me. He said no. So at least he understands those things are not appropriate. 
#15
When my son first told me his Dad had told him I was shocked.  It's not that I want to keep it fromy kids but it is my story to tell not anyone else's. Recently I have worried about how he approached it since remembering how he used it against me. I kept thinking that if that is how he talks to me about it, then how did I talk about with our son? My son barely told me this morning and I am shocked despite having the suspicion he did something like this.  I asked my son how it made him feel and he said it made him angry.  Been trying to reinforce that he has a right to feelings like that and he doesn't have to listen to that kind of thing either. He says a lot of the time that he doesn't want to hurt Dad's feelings.  It is sad because my son seems more concerned about his Dad's feelings than his own. 
    It sucks that anyone could do this. I am so glad that there were other things I never shared with him. It makes me so angry that anyone could take something that was done to a child and use it it like this. I know I shouldn't feel ashamed or feel like I have to hide it but he invokes those feelings in me because, "what if?"   You know and it also angers me because he seems to harbor hopes of me returning which thinkint about makes me want to vomit. Be with someone who would take a time that I was vulnerable and betrayed by one of people who was supposed to protect me? No not going to happen.