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Messages - Cookido

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Is this romance?
« on: September 18, 2018, 08:41:22 AM »
Long time since I wrote here. But today I'm having a difficult day.

I broke up with my partner. I've realised that he was too broken to be able to care for me. I don't think he fully realised how much he has used me during these 4 years together.

He is in pretty high debt to me and I'm realising I'm never gonna get that money back no matter all his promises. I feel so damn stupid. I'm not in economical issues but just that I would do such a thing as to lend a big amount of money to someone... I never viewed myself as that naive.

I can't tell if someone is using me or caring for me. I've realised that I don't seem to be able to tell love from just someone being genuinely nice to me. I can't trust anyone emotinally and I feel confused. How am I supposed to know these things? How can I know if someone loves me? 

These thoughts makes me spin off into the direction of self hate. I look at my face and eventually I see something twisted, ugly and disgusting in the mirror. Sometimes I've felt like I don't want to leave  the house because my face is so awful to look at, like something out of a horror movie. I used to hate everything about myself as a child and during the years I learned to get a healthier perspective. But it's scaring me how hard and fast it hit recently again.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Honesty and confusion
« on: June 12, 2018, 03:02:55 PM »
If I'm being true to myself, to my thoughts and feelings, then, I want to break up with my partner.

But how can I do so when he depends on me? And I depend on him, to not be alone. I care about him. He has no where to go, but also because he won't ask friends for help. I'm the only one he says. But we are destructive for each other. I can't deal with his issues because I'm broken myself. I care for him and it hurts thinking that I will be the one who breaks him. I know what it's like to be completely alone so how can I do that to someone else?

I'm so conflicted. I feel horrible. I know this person so well and he is the only one who truly knows me. How can I let go of that? At the same time he keeps me from healing.

I supported him out of debt, out of addiction, out of a destructive home, but I can't support him with what he really needs, emotional support. Because I don't have it myself.

Relationships are confusing, but should they be this difficult?

This post is probably as confusing as I am feeling. At least I got it off my chest.

General Discussion / Re: Dissacociation
« on: June 08, 2018, 11:49:02 AM »
Me and my therapist tried some type of meditation to relax. I was supposed to think of a place where I feel safe and go to that place in my mind. The therapist talks and says things like "reach out with your right hand and pick up what's there. What does it feel like? Is it heavy or light?" etc. We've only done it twice so far. The first time it worked really well and I came back from dissociation and connected with my feelings. The second time I didn't manage, not sure why. But I wanna discover going to my "safe place" more.

Hi Snookiebookie!

I relate to a couple of things in your post, especially that it's all very confusing. I was told by someone that there's a lot of missinformation about dissociation as well. OOTS has some good articles though.

One of them talked about different forms of dissociation. The two I remember (because I could recognize them in myself) was dissociating from your feelings and then dissociation with memory loss.

I think depersonalisation is when you lose sense of reality, who you are and the example you gave, not recognising oneself in the mirror.

When I dissociate I usually feel like the "I" is in my head and not my body. I watch things from a distance and don't feel in touch with what's going on around me.

Other / Re: Intrusive Thoughts
« on: May 23, 2018, 05:46:52 PM »
Deep Blue I hope I my answer wasn't too harsh. It made me a bit upset but I might just have misunderstood you.

Rainagain, I can relate to that too. The thoughts can ruin a whole day because they usually stick around, making me weaker mentally. I hope you have a better day soon.

Other / Re: Intrusive Thoughts
« on: May 23, 2018, 05:32:23 PM »
I don't think you should wish for intrusive thoughts about the future, they really bother me and makes me unable to live in the now. I'm not sure why I have them. I think maybe as a kid it was a way for me to prepare me for the worst, and reality wouldn't feel as bad. When I say "future" I mean when I'm on my way to a café to meet a friend for coffee. During that walk I will have thought of every possible conversation we might have, what I will answer, what she answers and etc. Usually it takes a negative turn and makes me feel bad and loss of energy. I don't feel like I have control over these thoughts, I have to think about it.

I understand you might have thought of something else when I said the future but I wanted to make it clear. It's not something to wish for.

I agree with what you say that they become worse if I ignore them. 2 years ago I went to CBT and the therapist had exercises to deal with thoughts of anxiety. However, it never helped with the intrusive thoughts. They seem harder to get rid of.

Other / Intrusive Thoughts
« on: May 23, 2018, 12:48:28 PM »
One of the symptoms I struggle most with is intrusive thoughts. They are usually future conversations I might have, very repetitive and detailed. Sometimes they are about the past and I repeat or dwell over events. I think the thoughts are irritating to have and when I notice them I try and distract myself with music or likewise.

Anyway, today I thought about it and came up with a theory on why I have intrusive thoughts. Maybe the thoughts are a way to distract myself from the feelings I'm having in that moment.

The question I have is if someone else in the forum struggle with intrusive thoughts and if my theory seems reasonable? Or if someone can share their knowledge on the subject. Ways to cope with the thoughts, what helps, worsens or causes them. 

And also, thank you everyone on the forum. It's amazing to have a place to share these thoughts.

Therapy / Re: Ultimatum
« on: May 19, 2018, 08:49:56 PM »
Rainagain, I'm glad you gave that answer because it worked. I spoke to her about what broke my trust. She will try and transfer me to another therapist but it will take two weeks before she's able to discuss it with her collegues. I'm hoping for the best!

Therapy / Ultimatum
« on: May 17, 2018, 09:19:15 PM »
I decided I wanted to change therapist due to losing my trust for her during our last session (she handled me being dissociated badly).

Turns out I have two choices. Either I quit therapy, but then have to wait a year for new treatment. Or I finnish the therapy with a therapist I don't trust and whom have no idea when I'm dissociated, what to do or what dissociation is. I have the freeze respons almost every session.

I could also pay for private care or move. But I have to see if my economy can handle any of thouse.

I'm in a bad mood because of the whole thing. I blame myself a lot for not looking into my rights more, maybe the whole thing could have been avoided (I had 5 sessions to decide if I wanted to stay or not, apparently that was also a decision which would decide my future 1 year ahead. I waited too long before deciding).

I think I will stay in therapy. Maybe I can ask the therapist to leave and I can use the time for something else, like nap for 45 min two times a week.

General Discussion / Re: worsens with age?
« on: May 17, 2018, 08:56:47 PM »
I'm 22 and I'm experiencing difficulties with idenity and motivation right now. My hope is that it will be better with age. I think the down period might correlate with when we start working with our trauma. It drains energy to work with yourself on such a personal level, or atleast I feel like that. My down period started while looking for therapy and also when I began therapy.  You wrote you recently discovered CPTSD, maybe it can partly be a reason for you to feel lost because you are discovering new things about yourself?

Emotional Abuse / Re: Identity and bullying
« on: May 11, 2018, 10:19:20 PM »
Thank you Sceal. I think your advice about taking one step at a time and discover and answer the questions I might be capable of answering is very good. I have been doing some exploration around my responses and I did learn from it. I think your suggestions are very useful.

I'm also sorry you had to go through thouse school years. It's a time where we were supposed to develop and flourish as individuals, and instead, well...

I think you put words on it really well radical. The abuse didn't let us explore an identity.

There were many who could, and should, have stepped in, and no one did. It's a betrayal I find very hard to forgive and I mistrust authorities because of it. I do feel like I was a strong person back then, stronger than I am now. It makes me sad, because the person back then could have used that strengh for something better than just surviving.

The bullying was never about who you were.  The end of bullying wan't about becoming someone who was better, more about rejecting the identity of targetof-abuse, that had been put on you by the people who were hurting you.

I will write this down. I never thought of it that way and it really speaks to me. It makes me feel like I didn't loose any parts of myself, but instead I allowed myself to be myself. If that makes sense.

Emotional Abuse / Identity and bullying
« on: May 11, 2018, 12:41:16 PM »
I was bullied in form of exclusion from the age of 6 to 15. I was in the same school with the same people during 9 years. Most of the time I was dissociated and I lack a lot of memories from thouse years. I was deeply depressed, I didn't talk, I was alone and boring. When that finally came to an end I started a new school and decided that I would be a different person. I became the complete opposite from who I was before. I wanted to be independent, a leader, outspoken, successful and outspoken. So the first day of school I acted as that person and became that person.

I got friends, a partner, I did well in school and started taking charge over my life at home as well. I completely erased the person I was before and the background I had. My previous experiences did still make themselves noticed through pannick and anxiety attacks or anxiety in social settings. I ignored it pretty well though and I never viewed thouse 9 years of my life as a trauma that mattered.

Since I started working with my background I'm realising how much I changed in just a day basically back then. I'm struggeling a lot with identity and many times I'm not sure who I am. I want to be the person I became after the age of 15 but it's also confusing to ignore the person I was for 9 years. I'm 22 today and I feel like I lost both parts and I'm just one big confusing mess of a person. I don't identify with anything.

Can I integrate  thouse two people or should I even do so? When I talk about my past it feels like I'm talking about someone else. I don't feel like I can be a person without a past. When I try and figure out who I am it feels like there's too many missing pieces to make a whole picture out of.

I'm also not sure if it did damage to just be someone else. Maybe it's normal to do so? I remember my current partner thinking it was strange that I chat very differently depending on who I talk to (on the internet). I adapt a lot while he's just the same with everyone. Which I find very strange instead. I have this very strong urge to be normal, even though I also realise that normal doesn't really excist.

Sorry for long and maybe confusing post.

General Discussion / Re: Isolation and hypervigilence
« on: May 11, 2018, 08:21:17 AM »
Yes, that can help. At least I'm more focused in the moment and not on the IC. I also find it helpful to deal with thoughts that worries me. I write them down and read them a couple of times till they give less anxiety or feel less bothersome.

Sometimes when I'm feeling very bad I just give in to the IC or don't realise I'm being too hard on myself or having unrealistic/negative thoughts. I think it's quite important to be aware of your IC in order to make progress.

I have yet to figure out how to trust people though. Not trusting others makes it harder to break isolation I think.

General Discussion / Re: Isolation and hypervigilence
« on: May 10, 2018, 11:07:09 PM »
Hi numann! I wanted to say that I relate to your background with bullying and "hiding" both at school and home.

I'm also struggeling with focusing on the positive. I get caught up in analysing what others might think of me that I forget to enjoy myself but also be myself. Usually I try to tell the IC to shut up until I'm able to deal with it later, for example when I'm alone and can write down the thoughts that bothers me.

Friends / Re: Stupid things said with amazingly good intentions
« on: May 09, 2018, 12:01:37 AM »
ah, if only people could think twice before talking sometimes. DeepBlue, I got an impuls to upvote your post haha. It was pretty spot on and I recognize those responses.

"Maybe it's the warm weather?" My therapist said that after I talked about how I felt dissociated. No, I'm not feeling dizzy, tierd, unfocused and off because of good weather, that's not why I go to therapy.

She is a nice lady though.

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