Messages

Although someone suggested quite early on that I had fallen for K, I didn't admit it to myself until it was too late.  The kinder he was towards me and the closer he got to me emotionally, the more scared I got; I couldn't tolerate this and pushed him further and further away.  He has now decided to go back home (abroad) to work on a big project.  Of course I have wished him well, though I can't stop beating myself up about how I treated him and what might have been had I been 'normal' and hadn't pushed him away.  I don't even know if he is aware of how I feel about him... and I still don't know whether it was transference or infatuation... or it is love?  I just wanted the panic to stop.  I couldn't tolerate his care.   I do this every time.  My badness has been spiralling over the last week though I can't turn the clock back and I have been sobbing for a lot of it.  I can't undo the mess I've made.  I don't seem to ever learn.  It was the fact that I clammed up, shut him out, hammered myself  and constantly apologised for everything that did his head in.  Apologies for the rant - I just don't know how to turn a corner - it wasn't as if we went out together, though I guess we have worked together for about five of the last six and a half years and it does feel very emotionally intense when I'm with him.

Thanks, I will have a look into it.

Hi, well I'm still panicking or whatever you call it with K.

I told him succinctly what happened to me and he's suggested I see a therapist...

The problem is, I don't want to go back to talking therapy just for the sake of it - talking (as in Rogerian counselling) doesn't seem to touch me; I need someone or a modality that isn't afraid of making me face my stuff... in a therapeutic manner of course!

The panic is driving me nuts - I've had years of counselling with different therapists and have talking about everything I can (but leave my emotions at the door) and I'm still panicking with a lovely guy with a heart of gold.

If anyone can give me any hints with this, I would really appreciate it.  I haven't been diagnosed with C-PTSD though don't know whether to look for someone who is alright with working with this sort of stuff.

Thanks a lot

Hi Rainagain, thank you for your message.

Yes, that is exactly what I wondered whether I was doing - though I haven't a clue how to make it stop or work through it.  I thought I'd 'cracked it' by going via the Inner Child route... though last week I was worse than ever and couldn't even answer K when he asked me if I was okay. 

I also feel as though I somehow regressed a bit afterwards when he called me into his office - I put my back to him as soon as he wanted to speak to me and I refused to turn round until he (in a round about way) said he wouldn't hurt me. 

He isn't a psychotherapist and I don't want to turn him into mine as (in my view, though maybe I am wrong in thinking this) this would blur boundaries as I work with him.

Now he has said he is a friend I feel more guilty than ever - friends don't treat other friends the way I've been treating him, however unintentional or 'warped' it might be.  I really like this man and don't want to lose the relationship like I have in the past with other people.

I wish I could just find a way to make this stop or work through it.

Thank you for your kind words, Deep Blue.

I saw K again today.  He spoke to me about lying down in a small room and there was a problem with the lights (all three are my triggers which he is unaware of) - he wasn't talking offensively - it was to do with work and I was aware of this.  He asked me if I was okay (I don't think I answered him (oops)).  I was still spiralling two hours later.

I didn't tell him I panicked, though I did say I wanted to start again as colleagues.  I can't keep 'running' to him every time I panic (which appears to be every week since he's been back).  He says if it's a case of him spending five minutes calming me down then he doesn't mind, though in my view I should be able to calm myself down.  I seem to be getting worse instead of better - I can't keep being like this.  He said today he sees me as a friend, though this freaked me out even more though I didn't tell him this).  The poor man can't say or do anything without me freaking out (this is how it's been with most of the people I've panicked with).

I really don't know what to do.  I don't know whether to tell him my past from start to finish or change my job or what.  I feel a wreck.

I had a bit of a 'freak out' last week and deleted my posts...

I met K in the corridor this week - I saw him walking towards me and I held the door open for him.  He jogged over to take the door from me and told me to go through though, as with our usual 'battle of the doors', I was on the verge of flipping in the process.  He said "Let me help you" which made everything worse.  By the time we had finished, I was left spiralling.  I couldn't calm down, so as soon as I was able, I went to him and asked him for a few minutes at some point, so he took me in his office.  We spoke, I told him about how I'd been over the last week (how I freaked' when he walked into the room... I had a visual flashback soon afterwards and hadn't slept most of the week)... He was left perplexed because he had no idea why I had had such a strong reaction to him.

Cutting a long story short... Is it possible that I have been re-enacting this in order to process it?

My dad could get violent when he was drunk... even when I was 7 or 8, nobody said afterwards "That was horrible wasn't it, let's have a hug and a cry (or whatever) and I promise you it won't happen again / I'll stand up to him".

The feelings of panic (I get from K and had from the other people I felt it with) appears to be how I felt when stuff was happening - how dad would just reappear out of nowhere after his 'deapearring drinking binge'.... though it made no sense that I only wanted comfort from the very people who had initally 'made' me panic.

It wasn't until this week when I was in K's office apologising for saying I wanted to throw the fridge at him... I said I would never do such a thing... (he doesn't know much about my past)...  "You can, it's okay" he remarked... I shook my head.  It confirmed what I already knew, that he would never be violent with me.   I know we were talking metaphorically but he didn't say he would get a bigger fridge and flatten me with it!

That evening, I tried to figure out what it was that I wanted from K in the midst of the panic - I felt that I was a child screaming for him to make it stop.... but I thought K can't - it's not happening now, dad's not here and I'm an adult... So I did some sort of 'inner child work' - held her etc... and sobbed for about an hour.  When I saw K unexpectedly the following day, I felt much calmer than I had the previous one.

I know children tend to recreate events to process stuff in play therapy, though is it possible this is what I've been doing as an adult without even realising it??

I'm really fretting about K returning next week.  I'm fretting about panicking and I know this will just make me panic more.

In our meeting I told him about what everyone who I've panicked with has been like (kind, gentle etc etc) and I'm wondering if he does think I have feelings for him, which would explain why he said he liked me.  I was merely stating a fact - that I don't understand why I could feel that afraid of people who are so decent.  Part of me is sure he's pushing buttons to push my defences... though, my word, it is painful! 

I've always blamed myself for the stuff that happened - I must've said something to my dad to... I remember I used to blow him kisses - but surely that's just childhood stuff??

I'm frightened of 'working with this' if that is what we're going to do... I don't know what the other answer is - I've tried ignoring it and avoiding him as much as I can and, I agree with K, it hasn't helped one bit.  Though what are the ethics of working through stuff with a colleague?  Last time I went through the guilt thing because I felt there was a power dynamic differential, though in hindsight I should've just gone with it like he said - I felt as though I should have been paying him and that we were up to something we shouldn't have been, and the guilt consumed me, plus I wasn't able to process it with him properly because we weren't having strict regular meetings as someone might with a therapist.

I hate this - the waiting and wondering what on earth is going to happen.  I'm like this even if the 'other' isn't going to do anything at all....  I know it's wrong, but it feels like I want to say to the other person "For goodness sake, just get it over with" (and let me get on with my life).  I guess I'm getting triggered in the fact that dad would disappear for weeks at a time and I would never know when or if he was going to come back (or what state he would be in when he did)...  I don't know exactly what day K will return, and that unsettles me - if I know, the panic will be much less - it is when he turns up 'unnanounced' that I freak because I've normally got someone else with me and I need to concentrate.

People have said in the past that this 'panic thing' is transference.  It makes sense in the fact that I am, no doubt, transferring the feelings (anger, fear) onto the other that I should've (did?) felt towards my dad... but these people are nothing like my dad.  I don't look at them and see my dad - I look at them and see them.  I don't have secret fantasies of wishing the would be my dad / care for me (or whatever!).

I guess I need to focus on something else, else I'll drive myself crackers and end up being poorly.  It's good to 'talk' in a safe place though.

I'm sorry... all I can say is thank you.

Thank you, sanmagic7 for taking the time to post.

I have been thinking about this and, you are right, I have been facing away from the caring people and facing towards the... not so caring ones...  It's easier, somehow, to pretend that everything is alright with the ones who couldn't care less.  To pretend that I am 'normal' and an okay person and lived a great life.

The people who care, well... I start to trust, and then it hurts... I go through this 'back off, it's too painful, I can't cope with this' stage... I query what on earth is happening... and blame them for hurting me and not doing what I'm used to... but it's not them who are causing me pain.... It's the pain within myself... I can't tolerate the 'waiting for something to happen' - it's hellish.  So it's easier to blame them and face someone who doesn't bring these feelings up for me.  Someone who isn't that bothered about me, or has their own issues to deal with.  The thing is, I have this belief that I will 'taint' the other person - the 'good guy' - why should they bother with me when they could be interacting with someone much less 'bothersome'?

I know I need to work on dealing with the shame I grew up with - the inherent badness that has come along with everything that has happened... but it's going to take time.

Thanks again.

**TW?**

Many thanks for your reply, sanmagic7

just a thought off the top of my head - could the panic be because these men are so unlike others in your past who have hurt you?  maybe that the idea that they could genuinely be kind to you strikes that inner panic button because you're afraid they are an illusion, they couldn't possibly be nice men, which is something you're not used to.

Yes, I think this is about right.
While I was trying to explain the panic to K, I told him that it was if I was waiting for something (bad) to happen.  The thing is, he has always been unbelievably kind and helpful - I think that is just how he is - though I think my system simply got to the point where it couldn't tolerate it any more - as if it said "PLEASE STOP THIS - what on earth does he want back for treating me like this?"

Thing is, K doesn't know my past, so I don't think he knew what to make of the panic!  I couldn't even bring myself to tell him that I liked him, or I thought he was lovely - for (stupid!) fear of it being misconstrued.  I went to see him a few days ago - he said words to the effect of "well, you know where I stand, but if it isn't reciprocated... (I freaked and pulled a face) oh, we're good, we're good (he smiled)".  I don't know what to make of it.  I guess he said it to make me feel better? 
I can't stay in the room long enough (without freaking out or my head going to cotton wool) to get to know him... Anyway...  I feel like a child caught between a rock and a hard place - if he returns then we will probably work through it between us or I'll try to get a therapy appointment, though if he doesn't, well, here we go again - another person I've got close to, only to leave...

I've been like this with someone before (male number 5) and tried to work through it in therapy at the time, though it didn't really help.

I struggle with saying I was abused by my family.  Let's just say bad stuff happened - physically, sexually...  and emotionally.   The best any of my family could do was to ignore me.  I didn't feel loved.  They didn't even tell me they liked me.  I felt hated.

just what came to my mind.  sometimes we're afraid of the very thing we long for, wish would be true, or want to happen.  i went thru an extremely difficult time being afraid of continuing the relationship my hub and i had been forming cuz it seemed to be everything i'd been looking for.  i had to sit with that for hours until i could make it ok in my head to take the chance with him.  i had been ready to run until i figured it out.

Wow, that must've taken some guts, full credit to you x

Thanks again.

Okay, here goes....  (I'll give it in the present tense to make things flow a bit better)

- 5 out of 6 of the males are tall (5'10ish - 6'4) with dark hair though none of the males who hurt me fitted both of these descriptions

- 5 out of 6 are the most kind-hearted, gentle, respectful people, though fiecely protective if it boiled down to it - the other one, I didn't really know - it was as if there was a radar and my alarm simple decided to go off

- there's a link somewhere about attachment - at least with the last two - the panic is almost about me saying "stay away from me, do NOT hurt me, else I might bite".... please don't leave me!!

- again with the current and the last person, there is something about the way they look at me - it's as if they can see into my soul.  Yeah, odd I know, but I want to ask what he is seeing

- with the same two people, they are softly spoken and I would say they are quiet in their demeanor, though self-assured.

The panic happens instantly.

I'm going to continue working with it, though K is currently on leave a for a while now.

Thank you.  I will certainly have a go at this and think about what you have said.

Kind regards,

Mayflower

Hi,

Over the last 25 years I have struggled intermittently with, what I have called up to now, panic.  However, since perusing the information on this forum, I am wondering if what I am experiencing is not panic at all, but an emotional flashback. 

The thing is, my 'panic' only occurs with certain males.  The feeling is a mix of fear and anger, though I am able to physically breathe and am fully aware of who the other person is and where I am (I do not feel as though I have been transported back to being a child in the past).

Although I've worked with 'K' (male number 6) for about three years, over the last month or so, I've been floored by this feeling whenever he appears.   I have recently informed him of what is going on for me, and he has said he will help if he can, though I am at a loss as to how to deal with it.  I have tried sitting with the panic in the past though it doesn't subside, nor am I physically able to completely avoid K.

All the males this has happened with have been the kindest, most respectful, lovely people you could ever wish to meet and are definitely not the sort I should be frightened of.  I have had therapy in the past (including with a male therapist) though I do have the option to request more if I feel I need it.

If anyone has any thoughts I would appreciate their input. 

Thanks a lot

Mayflower

Thank you, Blueberry.

Thank you everyone!

I'm glad to be here, though I feel like a frightened child who doesn't want to come out from behind the sofa!

Also, my emoticons are just showing as black boxes with a white cross inside and I wondered if anyone could let me know how to change this please?

Thanks