Messages

This is a challenging journey isn't it ? Life in general with all its ups and downs.   And knowing that no matter what support cones fOforforth (therapist,  online forums,  friends and maybe even someday a supportive partner ) ; All of those are unmistakably transient.

The only one to really have your back;  the only one you can really depend on to be your rock and unwavering support ...is....your Self.   You. 

I'm not being cynical.   I'm being realistic.

Good luck

I guess things are getting better.  I can go a week or two without disabling EF.

But we are sensitive aren't we ? Because we are hypervigalent we absorb the bad times of others. 

Someone really let their stress out on me today.  I reached out to several friends in the evening but yet again noone has 5 minutes.

Before I knew it , there was the acting out.   I take it to be part of my depraved,  greed and unworthy parts.

Might give work a miss tomorrow.

All because someone couldn't keepossibly their * to themselves.  I don't mind if people say that they fe5sad or angry or whatever.   But to have a go at me for something that never existed just sucks.

I recommend everyone accesses a psychologist if they are able.  Even a session here and there or a few in a row every 6 months.   Make sure they know about complex ptsd of course! ! I am moving on. It's not 'fixed' but it won't stop me. 

Update.  The low dose worked very well for 3 weeks .    Then okay for a further 3 weeks.    Then I had a MAJOR trigger / EF which overwhelmed everything.

Had a 6 day EF and the topamax didn't help me out all (maybe it would have if I'd had some other support available alongside but I didn't ).

For the sake of objectiveness: I originally took the low dose topamax with melatonin but had stopped taking melatonin  by the time I noted decreased effects of topamax.
I'll add the melatonin  back in as it may be the combo that is calming.

Up the Paddle without a Creek......Letting go of needing a flow

Life is not flowing.  Does not seem to be.  You know that inescaoable joyous ease, when things just happen?  And what can I do to get myself into flow?  What have I done to get myself out of flow?  Am I creating more unease by encouraging my thinking self to have more thinking self thoughts about cPTSD and the future and fears and disappointments and ugliness and failure and how it is all wrong wrong wrong? 

There has been ZERO persons to share with (in real life) and not for my want of trying.  I was thwarted to sharing with the SW when her relationship to someone I know was discovered (too vulnerable and exposed as they had access to my records of what I was sharing with her), the bestie who forgot our friend date because she was cleaning, the new friend who forgot to meet me to go for the girls night out because she just forgot me, and the friend who missed our walk date because she got busy. Blame doesnt lie with any of these people.  But it was trigger after trigger.

Friday was the big trigger of relational (boy girl flavour) rejection that threw me into some real nasty acting out.  Disgusting.  The kind of stuff that I hate myself for,
Saturday was the friend who favoured cleaning.
I constantly pick myself back up. Try try try.
Tuesday was the ine who forgot the evening out.
Wednesday was the one who had to out something else first.
And wednesday night was the next acting out.  The disgusting self loathe variety that makes me want to shut up shop.

Yes its very hard to feel, so I understand why I distract.  But it makes me angry now when its suggested in books and by pros that connection and verbal ventialation are the way forward.  FOR F SAKE LIFE!  I HAVE TRIED TRIED TRIED, I never stop trying to form and nourish these connections.  and all that life appears to show me back is abandon her, abandon her, abandon her.  She is not wirthy, she is not important, she is the one you should forget, she is the one that deserves to rot in a corner on her own.  I mean, just look at her.  Look what she does.  She obviously doesnt want any more than this for herself.

I wish I could cry.  I used to be able to cry easily.  These days I think I will.  The wave of it comes!  It seems to reach a peack; a crescendo and then foams down inside again.  I dont know if it has dissolved and passed, or gone to hide and fester. 

The thinking mind has officially given up on connection.  Nobody will come through for me.  Noone at all.  And thats okay. Grown adult here.  Me got my back. 

I wish there was a pill I could take to feel better.  I wish that getting stoned or drunk or anything like that could help , then I would probably do it!!! 

I am feeling too asharmed to go out and get the tattoo I want.  My arms are not nice, not right.

Hyper critical thinking mind is out.

I had two hopes of recovering enough from physical disabily to get back into work.   One was this training I am doing.  The sad thing is I have discovered that I am unable to meet the physical demands of a full day at this job, so scrap that.  That was an expensive experiement,
The second was a tentative offer elsewhere.  And today I found out that has been rejected. So there go my two threads of financial security hope.

So what does life want me to do now?   
Life wants me to know what it is to live with a hyper critical thinking mind, with a manifestation of ** (not saying that, too confidential - the acting out), with a body that behaves unexoectedly, without financial security in a material world, without supports and with little trust in supports.  ?   That is what life wants me to experience? 

And what does life want me to do with that?  Be non reactive?  Cry about it?  Become a psychologist?  Get a writing degree?  Kill lyself (not gonna dont worry)?  Just asking you though life....what do you want me do with this?

Oh!  Be non reactive!  You want me to feel this deep seated pain, this coldness in my heart, the tightness, constriction, this deep existential and material aloneness, and you want me to sit with it and do nothing!  Oh!   

And you want me to see how my situation now is exactly the same as my childhood.

You are alone.  You have ALL the material comforts  - bed, warmth, roof (even if its not yours its provided by someone els,e just like in your childhood!), a car provided by your parents cash (just like in your adolescence!) and you are completely alone and depressed about it.  Abandoned.  Hurting in your heart.  Unable to reach out now, as reaching out has earnt mistrust and more and more disdain, 

So here you are, in your childhood.  As an adult.  What needs to change then?  What can you do now?  Goodness this hurts a lot. 

Well there's a surprise
I didn't take my endocrine meds yesterday  (just forgot and you know how the 'right thing' goes out the window when you are EFing).

I was feeling very EF and tightly wound all day (that's not because of missing meds in fact they make me feel a bit wound as a side effect! ).    I had a lot of very nasty internal judgments going on about myself as a person, my use of time,  my singledom,  my aesthetic,  my dreams in life.   I couldn't get any traction on feeling better.

I has the day off for dental work so after that I just laid on the couch , took no walk or self care,  just ate junk and watched crap TV.    I didn't take the tabs that usually help me sleep.

At 830pm I lay down and went to sleep.  I woke up at 730am this morning .  So I slept earlier,  slept longer and slept later ; by eating junk, feeling mentally emotional ruined and numbing out and missing all the meds.

*??!!

Perhaps I have had too much endocrine meds lately.  After all they are meant to be stimulating.  So perhaps I slept better cos I had less of them.  Or perhaps my body passed put in order to dedicate all its resources to processing the sugar I drunk!   Or maybe it was the local anaesthetic thru put in your gum at dentist that made me unenergised and tired all day.

Who know?   I know I am SO GRATEFUL FOR SLEEP! ! 

And I feel much more relaxed today.

I think I better back off the endocrine meds a bit.

Feeling sadness.
It's in the heart, down to the navel.   It's an aliveness,  but one I don't want to feel.
I have associated these feelings with negative experience.
What if the experience is nowhat neutral and the feelings are just feeling s?
Can I just sit with the feelings?
Can I in fact get to accept them; enjoy them;  look forward to being with them? 
I expect so.

it's almost like an inner tickling.  It's uncomfortable.  I want to move away.  Most people would want to escape tickling.  Most people don't find it fun or giggly.   Right now I find it sickening; nauseating for sure.

Some people however , have no reaction  to tickling.  Either they don't feel it or they don't react.   It's a non event to them.   There's no fighting with it.  No scrambling for safety or ease or preference.   

Though I can't explain it properly externally,  I'm going to become one of those people.   I'm going to sit with the inner tickle. The nausea.  The desperate compulsulsion to run away from it.  It's in me- I'll be running forever.

From what I understand,  if I turn towards it, it will change. Everything changes. 

Aside to this. My heart is awfully lonely.   It's spent years alone now.  I will keep my own flame alive ♥

Rough few days.
Probably good to write here while it was happening,  but didn't.  Didn't do some other self care things either. Never mind.

So what were the triggers this time?
1 tired
2 finally figuring out the crush is not reciprocated
3 friends reneging on arrangements
4 subsequent EF being left alone,  feeling alone, projecting into future will always be alone
5 having a big pulsing ready heart, noone to share it with

It manifested as my usual freeze and dissociate eg screens and food, after subtly investigating if the crush crushed me back or was just flirting for fun.   It was just for fun.  Friends weren't available for verbal soothing so I froze and numbed.

The subsequent self loathing gave a bit of a crap next day,  but I pulled through alright.  Until I stayed up way past bed waiting for a friend to catch up who decided to reneg and not tell me.  So then short of sleep and projecting anger.   

The next day tired another friend let's me down.

It's not so much anger at friend.  After all life happens.  It's more that I do have a dependence on other human beings for connection.   And I really want to connect.  And I do try to connect! !  And there's disappointment and aloneness and EF and very uncomfortable feelings and wanting to damage my self / my life , by sabotaging myself , when I feel that way.

I feel unworthy.  Unwanted.  A waster of precious life.  A failure.   Because I act out when I am tired and having an EF.

Am I stupid to think life would ever give me someone to explore lI've with : to partner with?

Oh well life goes on.  Better do more of the things that are good for me.  X

Sharp and Blunt, thank you for your reply.

Yup seems we are a but stuck on this one .

Ill post back here again if the psychotherpist has any ideas what to do.

Go well

[Directly sets off flight response]

Other Triggers.....Can Body Image be Picked Apart with a Perspective of cPTSD?

Lets start with all the irritations in life that I experience due to these body image thoughts:
- Puts the brakes on (is one of the many brakes on!) approaching a relationship
- Creates an ideal self evaluation that can rarely be attained, and is rarely sustained
- Therefore creates a negative self evaluation, Repetitively.  On a daily basis!!
- Gives the mind something to turn on (creates imaginary problems)
- Can change confidence in clothes, and mojo on a daily basis
- More prone to what the experts would call 'disordered eating' or I would call overeating, or eating at odd times
- The negative self evaluation Directly sets off flight response and cannot settle and chill for relaxation or other things that I have planned. 

So anyway, lets say that it does not create inner peace or a fulfilling experience.

And then lets consider that there is no direct support.  Noone to turn to for another perspectice.  I know the thoughts are irrational and a waste of time so have little interest in voicing them.  In some ways I have a longing for a nurturing relationship where I know I would feel wanted and desirable and these things dont come up in  the same way; but also I dont want to rely on another for self worth or for overcoming my own demons.

And then lets consider that I used to act on the flight by keeping very busy and very disciplined with my way so that the body image I desired was attained and sustained.  But I got over that.  I didnt realise why I was doing it at the time, but I stopped anyway, as it was not the middle way!

And before the flight (as an indepoendent adult), I used to have freeze (because i was stuck in the home of the abuser).  And it was the abuser who used to say those things.  "You're fat".  And it wasnt just said to me.  It was said to my Mother as well. And not just said,  It was spat in a conceited, vile, demeaning and worth taking way.  You could say he took the piss; A lot.  Im not sure what he was using it as leverage for.  Whether he just couldnt help being nasty, or used to control her, to weaken her, to pick away at her soft spots. 

It did pick away at her (and me), as well as the other stuff that went on. 

But back to the challenge here.  How can I start to see this deeply embedded lack of value (because of some bloating or flabbiness) for what it is...just a bunch of bull?  Is it a bunch of bull?  The problem with this one, is that it is backed up in just about every direction you look - society in general.  Where else should I/could I put my value?

As a good friend?  Intelligent person?  Survivor? 

But what about this concurrent need to get into the world of dating?  That has enough hurdles of its own, cPTSD or not; And dont you have to be attractive to someone to date?  And that someone has to be someone you are attracted to.

Not coming up with any answers yet.  Apart from.  Maybe.  That I deserve more.  At least - I dont deserve to be mocked, bullied, not by anyone, but especially not by a grown man who is supposed to be the one to show me (as near as possible) unconditional love.  I guess I really need to let go of this idea of what a Father should and shouldnt have been.  I think that part is easy, actually.

But still, the little girl did not deserve any of that, She was a punching bag for his words, and sometimes his fists.  And so was her dear Mum.  Her dear loving Mum. 

So what does she deserve now?  I dont know what anyone 'deserves', but I can tell you what she longs to feel.  Safe, loved, held.  That's all. 

I really really want intimacy, to get close to someone physically and emotionally.  There is nothing wrong with me (as a person, there is no reason i shouldnt be loved and wanted and in a partnership) and there is no reason this shouldnt be ecplored. 

However!  Whenever I find someone I like reciproactes the liking, my body goes into complete flight/freeze.  Its okay as long as they dont like me back. In those cases its just in my imagination, and quite safe.   But when the actual possibility of something more than an imaginary partner is on the horizon (even faintly), there is auto panic.

I (the thinking mind) personally really really wants to get close to someone!  And when I am not in front of that person, I am quite confident, but as soon as Im near, the auto response happens.  I expect its due to so many trauma experiences with males, while in relationship. Now relationship signals danger.

At one point in my life (teenage/twenties) I ony,had sexual relationships, which bypassed a lot of this.  But I dont want that anymore.  Im not sure how to egt around it.  I cant really spill my story to someone I hardly know, just to explain why Im scared to talk to them!

I must find a way.  Life is to be a shared experience!  I want over this! 

I am supposed to have psyche help soon, but still waiting!  How to move on?  Thank you

CAUGHT TRIGGER IN ACTION - NO IDEA WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT!!
I read in one of the cptsd books (either a Bessel book or Paul Walker one), that there can be some great conflict, within an individual, between what our autonomus 'self/thinking mind' wants, and the automatic reaction that the body has.

The example given in book was a little girl who was so excited to see her Dad come home at the end of the day, but then he would come in and molest her.  So her excitement at seeing someone she loved, got very confused with a fear response.

Mine is on a different level but the same idea.  Because of the trauma around males, when I feel chemistry with a male, it sends my nervous system into flight or freeze.  My heart goes crazy and its not out of nerves. I literally feel unsafe and have to get away.  This makes it impossible to enter a situation  of dating for instancce, because any make I would like to date is unsafe,

I dont know what to do about it.  To get to know soemone enough to tell them what is going on, you have to spend time, but I cant spend time. 

I recently met someone, someone kind, there is a mutual attraction, we got on well until I realised it was mutual, and then I balked.  He is a kind soul and someone I would like to know better, as a friend or otherwise, but I am stuck. 

I think its something I just have to say "1, 2,3" , face the fear and do it anyway; maybe ask him to catch up one evening, or accidentally bump into him after work and see what happens!  Otherwise my life is frozen.  I have to start moving forward with someone at some point, even if it doesnt go well.

Opps I did It again!

I guess I should start wwriting here as soon as I feel myself moving towards the auto behaviour (choose whichever freeze.flight/fight/fawn comes to mind).  But it is so auto, that I am willingly, rapidly, moved towards it, as if IT is my soother, that I need. 

Then of course some regret, some shame, some musings of self compassion that are hard to linger on, because im off again into flight mode (at least in my brain/thoughts).  Hard to settle again.   

I thought this was over with, I really did.  I thought I had found my magic combination of solutions. 

I thought I felt good pretty consistently lately.  So why has it happened again?

Im tired.  Is that why?

One thing is for sure.....I need to write here as soon as it stirs in me.  I need to avoid it happening , so that the molehill does not turn into an unncessary mountain (and general unrest).

If the reader knew what I had done, they would really wonder what the big deal is.  I guess we all have our ideal.  Our fairly set idea of what is okay and not for our own actions and way of showing up in the world, whether public or private.

What would cause a person to continually walk all over herself privately?  What would cause her to turn her back on herself; to wind herself up more; to take herself from relaxed to agitated within minutes? 

Can it really, really be the triggers?  Can it be EFs?  I think its quite possible.  After all, the cirsumstances are 100% right to be a flshback.  Back to when I was young.  Back to when I was alone. 

And the strange thing is, that I had found my soother,  My helpful soother.  And it was my friend for years,  And now I just cannot settle to be with it. 

Isnt it funny what the mind will make a big deal of?  All that really happening is some neurotransmitters and hormones are flying around in the system; At the same time some old thoughts and images (not even accurate ones) and playing.  I guess the images and physicality get associated to each other.  And then they get louder than anything else that is present.  And then we want away from it.  So we do whatever we think will solve problem quickest!   

But it doesnt solve the problem.  It never has.  So why continue? 

Small wins amongst some bewilderment .
I cannot say I am cured.  There are certainly some freeze behaviour's still happening.   And what about eating too much.  Is that dissociation or numbing?  Distraction?

I must have got triggered by someone trying to lay their financial responsibility upon me.   After the conversation there was no bad feeling and only an imagined worry in the future that may not happen.   Bit I felt jacked up, wired.   

It didn't cross my mind to consider I was in an EF.  Partly because I am not practiced at that, and partly because my thinking mind knew this  particular person  was being stupid but weren't trying to hurt me on purpose.   

It ha's taken me 5 hours of numbing out into screens (movies and Facebook  and study -  so that's a win), and food, being completely immobile,  to pop out the other side.

I have naturally dropped into a calm breath,  turned the screen off and on goes the evening.  But what a waste??!!  Or maybe not.  I guess I rode it out.

Small wins I say.  Once upon a time that could have turned into ED behavior,  or given half the chance a few joints  (actually weed once a week was very helpful),   on a weekend long ago it could have been drinking to memory loss; as a teenager it could have been cutting or a suicide attempt or at the very least inconsolably crying alone . 

I was always left alone.

Maybe that was more my trigger tonight than the actual conversation.   The 'fact' that there is still no one to compare notes of the day with,  discuss emotions or experience.   No other perspective than my own mind.

On another small win is that some of the clinical blood markers of the physical stuff had improved today! !  MorE results tomorrow! !     

On a Good Day
So often we use these baords and forums when we are having a bad day.  Days arent always bad.  Some great things are happening here.  Everyday is different and as much as I ackowledge "never expect this to last" (the good times or the bad), I will never see the harm in basking in the more pleasant experiences of life.

Living with complex PTSD during Winter, in a foreign land, with few connections, on low income, in a sick body, has to be just about one of the hardest experiences I can remember.  But that's probably because it was the most recent so I can remember it!  As time passes and the new diagnosis of Cptsd (shoe seems to fit) sinks in, and the limitations of the physical illness/disability become clear, there is plenty to learn to accept.  THis is my new life.  On some days this is with ease, and on others, when thoughts of income, job prospects ec (basic survival in the modern world)  rear their head, it seems like a nightmare has resumed, as I project fear into the future.

At the same time, there is plenty to celebrate.  Spring has sprung.  New connections are made.  Existing loose networks are beginning to take shape, become deeper, more trusting, greater sharing on a level that feels authentic.   The big issues at work are resolving as management decide to change the system, so everybody is less stressed and people are not being as (accidentally) nasty with their words.  The noisy neighbour is set to move, so as long as the new one isnt the same, regular sleep could become a thing! 

Anything could change.  A week of sleepless nights could make everything become a trigger; But a new found respect for meditation as an amygdala soother, and a new understanding of WHY i personally need that so bad (amygdala in cptsd) gives hope.  Doing too much physically could set me off on a flare of disabilty, potentially trashing income prospects and a social life (again for the 20th time!!!!), but at least now I have an understanding of what is happening in the physiology (having lived with the symptoms at varying degrees for a lifetime).  Im starting to accept those physical limitations - I could not do that before I understood what was happening.

Everyday is different.