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Topics - Sienna

#1
If anyone has any insight or experience, or can form any possible connections for me, please do let me know what you think.


Tried to not like this person after i did, after finding out they didnt feel the same way, and the age gap -they are very aware of.
Now the feelings are back.
Part of me thinks this is normal, and part of me wonders if its to do with someone in the past- a parent, or even both.

Theres so much he doesnt know about me. And so much he doesnt see because of the age gap.
I think ive already got him figured out, and i want to connect.
Similar childhood experiences..(though not sure to what extent)..
he is closed off..possibly what you might call, counter dependant ..
weird, but in a good way...
Dont know how to offer him my support with out sounding too clingy or engulfing, but worry I'm not saying what I'm thinking in terms of being here for him when maybe i should just say it.
Im being patient with him and his closed off ness because I'm like that, though it is a desperate need i have to reach in further and drag some him out.
I wish he could see past my age.
Sometimes its like he sees me and what I'm not saying, and other times its as though he doesnt and i can't be my quirky self with him even though he's into that,  so my quirky Aquarious rising ways are stifled behind a wall and i may just come across as laughing a lot and immature.
He's the sort of guy who calls me hun- his moon is in capricorn, and apparently, men are very friendly with this placement which can lead women on.
We are both the type of people who hold back feelings, so there would be some distance between us.
I feel so embarrassed after seeing him today, now that the feelings have come back, always fearing ill stay the wrong thing...so I'm holding back.
I don't feel *good* anymore and just a bit let down, but its really only because of my own stupid fantasises ..is it?
what is wrong with me???
It hurts that i can't show him i care because I'm worried he will freak out at that, and maybe I'm afraid ill be rejected and look like the needy one.

I think i can sort of figure out psychologically speaking why I'm drawn to him, but i can't access the pain as I'm not exactly sure what it relates to from my past (as I'm sure it does)
but i do think that thinking about him takes me away from my own world, but what am i running from?
#2
Oh my gosh...feeling panicy again.
This time - to do with my dad.
Put it in this catagory- don't know if he has a PD, but some odd stuff going on.

In women's refuge. Needed money to pay rent.
Had no choice to ask my dad. Said its been expensive, thought i could manage, had money taken from me from benefits people and had an appointment and other expenses to pay.
He asked if it was counselling to which i said yes and that i don't want to stop going.
He called later that night saying he put money in my bank to which i thanked him.
He did what he does offloading to me - about narc mother who's had a go at him on the phone about my sister...
not interested in asking questions about my life.
He told me he told his girlfriend I'm in therapy, was was excited as she recommended going on the NHS.
I said to him that thats really nice of him to think of that for me, but that i just wish he would have thought to ask me first before just telling her. My first thought was BOUNDARY INVASION-
but was it?
I didnt even tell him how i *felt* about him telling her
He brushed it off and said *oh well* and continued talking about himself
I said, *i don't think your hearing me*
to which he said *um maybe not...Anyway...* and continued talking.
I hung up angry
He kept ringing and i was panicking and angry so i didnt answer. I just wanted my phone to stop ringing.

He text saying he had been cut off but didnt know why...he does this...i hung up before but he didnt acknowledge that it was cos of something he said. I didnt reply cos there was no acknowledgement of what just happened.
The last time i hung up on the phone was when he said *now don't go feeling all down now*
and then I SI after the call as i was angry, upset and panicked.

I didnt speak to him for a while as there was no apology but his girlfriend wanted to know why. i told her the truth.
i just wanted him to understand what i was saying and not brush me off. Its not what he did but him brushing off what i said (the boundary i set?)...that hurt.

Texting his girlfriend tonight back and forth about xmas plans.
said i didnt know if i should come back to visit him cos i thought he was mad at me
(and theres much more to the story than that that i can say to her that Ive been talking about in therapy)
She said i didnt thank dad, the 2 times i should have,
that he does have problems with apologising,
she said sorry your upset, but none of this is your dads fault , he only tried to help you

to which i said:
.that i thanked him for his help- both times
.all i wanted from him was an acknowledgment of what happened, to know that he understood and that we could move on...
and that i just left it as its not mine to fix.

I was mad but I'm not mad anymore.
Its just up to him as my *dad* to come forward and let me know he is sorry / that he understands - and if he cant do that, that sucks, and i feel bad for him, but i have every right to feel angry that i have a dad who cant don't I?
There's much more stuff to the dad story than just things like this.

He either told his girlfriend that i didnt thank him - as he feels guilty for the fact that he cant apologise to me / doesnt think he did anything wrong / feels too ashamed blah blah blah
Or- She is telling me this stuff to seperate us and she is stuck in the middle like what narcissists do.

Is it correct to say that i put up a boundary? or didnt I?
Is dad in the wrong here?
I can't visit him for xmas.
I feel abandoned by my whole family since i started therapy, becasue my anger at my narc mum has lead me to not seeing her at xmas (I'm scared of her) and i didnt know how to reply to her messages when i felt afraid and angry. So i left it and now its xmas.
She is mad and she thinks ill never speak to her again. I cant after the message she sent.
And dad- if I'm angry at him- and he *knows about it*, he abandons me too.

I think i need to know what any of you think....
maybe some support ..
#3
Guys, i think i just really need some support...something...
Sorry about my posting a lot lately.

Just got a message of my (undiagnosed) narc mum...:
(Photo inserted above of sister)
Your sister ..how proud you should be if her .
It's a shame you have cut us out of your life .
I have tried for a whole year to contact you but you choose to ignore my messages. 
I can't do any more .
Hope you have a happy Christmas wherever you are and whatever you do . Mum xxx

Since i came to the women's refuge (narc partner)...
i have realised how my parenting effected my life.
I saw a little boy here being abused...emotional, physical, the neglect...
and it helped me to see, and feel, part of what happened to me.
My X isn't here anymore, so the anger is coming up about my parents.

Don't know if my mother triangulated me and my sister,
she may be doing that with my sister and my dad (don't know if there is neglect there from my ad to my sister / any other stuff that he does to me)...
which has factored in to her not seeing him.
Sister hasnt answered my messages for a long time.
Didn't see her before she went to Dubi despite mums messages to go see them, because I'm afraid of my mother.
Its not my fault my sister wont speak to me.

Once i re posted this poem on Facebook, not to get at my mother but she thought it was.
She sent an angry message saying that she saw what i wrote in the comments in reply to one person who said she hated the poem, and i just said it wasnt about me, and that I'm working though the effects of my parenting (i was angry and impulsive)
and i only wrote it cos she said something invalidating. I cant remember how it all happened.
Mum would not be understanding of my anger, and cant accept the truth of what she did, so i couldnt explain to her why i didnt know how to respond to her messages.

I feel really shaken up after this message. Really really anxious, and i don't know why.
I feel guilty for not speaking to my mum - i know its not her fault she is the way she is...
but Ive been angry for some time, and just didnt know how to answer her messages,
which my T agreed, sounded quite...like a telling off for not speaking to her.
Ive ruined it. Should i ever wish to be in contact with her again, maybe i cant.

Im trying to heal and my anger- which my mum doesnt know about- people cant accept it (narc x couldnt and due to his hoovering by proxy, people were pressuring me to speak to him and to see family at xmas- things they know nothing about)
It seems as though most don't want me to heal (they don't know I'm trying to heal)
I feel like I'm being punished - like ive done something wrong by healing.
Maybe this is just all a story that isn't actually real. Maybe my mum did nothing.
I feel once again, that familioiur feeling that my good day has been ruined, and that my mum would think i don't deserve any of those good things and that i should just stop feeling appreciative of what i do have, of what went right today,
because I'm a bad person and don't match up to my sister, the golden child.

Just needed to get that out there. I feel really, really panicy.

#4
Hellooo guys,
Not a biggie, just a question
How to i explain to the girls / (would rather it just be one), why i havent been out there speaking to them, and cooking etc for months?
What happened- social anxiety or just anxiety around them, they are women my T pointed out, and my narc mum was emotionally abusive...
Social anxiety started when a new girl came in, and i couldn't go out there...
then i felt tonnes of shame for not being able to go out there (T thinks it was also to do with what we were talking about in therapy but its subconscious shame)
So i was feeling fear about what *i thought* they thought of me-
so i was feeling shame for feeling shame.

One girl the other day after speaking to me twice said *you are always in your room*
to that i said , i know, I'm not anti social, ive just been in a really weird place.
I feel my truth wouldnt be believed so i need to make up a lie, as, if i was grieving etc. would that make a person not eat or cook for months..or even go in there to make a cup of tea?
Could do, but I'm not sure that would be believable- *that ive been in a bad place*
I'm feeling better in a way, like i could explain to them...
What should I do? thanks...
#5
I just need to speak of this as I'm freaking out. I hope thats ok.
Im in a refuge due to domestic violence by my X who I'm pretty sure is a narcissist or has high narc traits. I am here whilst i find my own place to live, only money has been an issue and i am on the case with that, its just taken so long- not from me but from the people who are helping me sort it out.

I was told tonight by my key worker that  i have 2 months to move out of the refuge- so i have until February as its now December.
I don't want to move back home, away from volunteer work and the kind people i do know and most important to me- my therapist.
When she left, i was just in floods of tears.

I told the key worker lady that I'm in therapy- as she needed to know if i had any extra support.
She knows that its to do with my past and with my parents. thats all i told her.
Yet she is still suggesting i live with my dad, cant understand why i might not go home to his for christmas etc etc.

The problems stated with my parents, so i don't want to go back there.
I was retraumatised last April and since then, i have had what my T thinks are flashbacks of things that happened to me as a child that I blocked out- mostly involving my dad.
I am afraid he isn't safe to be around, and since the retraumatisation , i cant be alone in a house with stairs and i cant sleep with the light off, i cant use the loo if know one else is in the house, I'm hypervigelant and terrified - my dad cant find out about this becasue he wont understand.
I would have to sleep down stairs when he is out in the evenings and that he would notice-
and he goes out with his partner (and works night shifts- not his fault)
despite me being home he is out with her so i would be alone.
And i now smoke and he would kill me if he knew. I need it at the moment to get by and i know i would smoke a lot living with him as its so difficult.
He also is physically inappropriate with me and drinks a lot. Im so mad that he let my mother abuse me and he is neglectful.
This is why I'm looking for a flat to live as i could choose one that i feel safest in- with out stairs.

I just don't want to be there, and I'm afraid my narc mother will know where i am if i go back there.
I don't know how i will start again in my home town which is so triggering.

I hope this fight - this difficult time in the refuge, after the break up with my X has not just been for nothing.
This is my worst fear and this is why, when the money issue was rejected, i stopped eating as i needed to get some form of control that at the moment, i do not have.

The lady said they will put me in a hotel if I'm not out by Feb, and then the council will put me anywhere as i would be declared completely homeless.
Im terrified of being victimised again sexually in a building / flat with men.
And I'm scared, frustrated and sad that i wont be able to go home to my own place after this hellish difficult journey that has recked my body and caused a lot of emotional pain.

Im terrified of what might happen to me and i have a huge urge to call my T, but i cant use her like that to offload to. I guess i just want someone to tell me that it will all be ok and to help me figure out what to do, because i don't know if i can do this on my own.
My parents are not supportive so I'm alone in the world, I'm sure you all understand that.
Maybe i can figure this out on my own, but i don't want to have to do any more hard work, i don't want to learn anything else from what happened. Ive tried to see the positives and the reasons that this happened. I just don't want to do anymore.
Im so tired and i will be devastated if i can't move into my own place.
Thanks for listening
#6
Don't know if i should post...but oh well, I'm gonna...

After an intense period of feeling shame and feeling hopeless about life,
has anyone else experienced an upsurge in energy?
Dramatically so?
Parts that carry shame-
This part came out- the part who agreed with my parents - (that I'm worthless), so now i think the whole world thinks of me in the way that she did. (my mother)
That is the part who doesnt care that I'm so bad. Dissociation perhaps helped - well, that is a dissociative part
Now i feel I'm above that part. Feel light. High. Not enthused about life, but feeling better *in myself*
Eating a bit more at volunteering when i can has boosted my mood...
but i think its another part that has come out and taken over so that i don't feel the crushing pain of shame anymore and not wanting to go on.
Shame carries anger with it. Anger directed at the self - if not projected onto others.
Wondering if feeling so different, energetic, is pent up anger that i didnt express?

And after a T session in which i felt..kind of...abandoned by her- not her fault- i do think its all in my head...I shut my feelings off.
Could be the survival part that feels noting but running away and adrenaline- ie. usually when narcs *do me over* and a relationship breaks down.
but i wasnt running. I just froze, and a self destructive part came out- which i think protected me from feeling shame. After my *blow out*, i felt no shame.

Just curious. Can anyone tell me what they thin this part is?
I just feel so *drastically* different.
I know that the opposite of feeling shame can be narcissism, and that narcissism can come out in some parts / a part.

Thanks...


#7
Triggers where I'm living brought up shame.
Been trapped in it for about a month.
Always had issues with this. With going out into the communal area (in refuge for domestic violence)
New girl came in. Not been out to cook or eat. Loosing so much weight. Started with needing to not eat for control and self punishment.
Too afraid of people. Too afraid to go out there and do my share of the cleaning.
They are up late at night, so cant always do it then.  Had house meeting. They all know i havent been cleaning, that new woman I'm afraid of was looking at me, so i said, i havent been cleaning, and I'm now even more afraid of this new lady..fear that she thinks I'm lazy, when that is not the case.
Terrified for them to look at me. I can't be seen. Now, feeling shame for feeling shame.
Transpired to a lot of things, which is why i havent been posting.

Im just ..at the end of my tether...dont know what to do..hense the post.
Tonight, heard someone mopping the floor outside my room. Felt fear. That they would knock, and ask why i didnt help. Thought i might have unintentionally dragged mud into the house when came back in earlier. That id be in *trouble* and that thats why she was mopping.
Braved it and went to the bathroom just now...only someone came down with what i think was the hoover.
Just froze, rooted to the spot. Such terror and fear. Visions of whoever it was knowing i was in there, hoping they wouldnt bang on the door. Couldnt leave the bathroom for fear she would come out of the lounge. Back in my room, heart pounding out of my chest, and i hear a noise in my room. Crying and feeling trapped.

I have been feeling frozen in my body a lot, too scared to move.
I realise I'm afraid of my mother. That i think that this woman will be like my mother. The floor mopping brought about a flashback filled with fear.
That she hates me..what must she think of me etc. , she must be angry at me for not cleaning. They must all think I'm weird and anti social.
Im so terrified of people.Thought i was past it but I'm not-past has come back to haunt me.
Im scared here and i don't feel safe. I feel trapped. Just want to leave and to feel safe but i have know where to go.

scared to come home at the end of the day. But i only have the streets to wonder.
I feel lost and scared, and kind of like an orphan. Know where is safe. I wont go back to my dads, to my hometown, to the people who gave me all these problems.
I want / need someone to take me to somewhere where i can feel safe, where i don't feel like i have to hide in shame and fear. Somewhere where i can eat a hot meal.

Hate this side of me..but i need support. This feels urgent and i need help. I cant function in this house due to this fear and anxiety-triggered by being in a sort of *home* environment, with new people i don't know well.

Anyone have any suggestions of what i could do? Meds?
Thanks...
#8
I am triggered.
This is a rant. and any support or advice, or anyone who can relate..would be appreciated.
Im angry.
My dad rang up the volunteer centre the other day.
Havent been in touch with him beasue due to money issues i havent had a phone contract.
Wasnt speaking to him much before either.
Since comming to the woman's refuge (due to narc X break up and his behaviour), he hasnt been supportive.
He hasnt even asked me if I'm ok.
T says its fine that I'm angry and need space from him.
he is emotionally negate trull and let my narc mother carry on abusing me.
I wont go into the whole of everything that happened with my dad, that makes me  :pissed: :pissed: its too long

Lately- might be dissociative parts- but I'm becoming aware or maybe accepting perhaps al little more, that i DO say things out of the blue- they just shoot out of me. And i think I'm accepting it a little because i know that with dissociative parts- this can happen.
Before i was just so confused by my behaviour.

Lady at centre (who talks down to me and i think, has always had a problem with me- her issue)
asked if he called
I just causally said he wanted to come and visit me but i didnt have a phone so he couldn't get in touch.
Cant remember what she said..she asked me if dad had been helpful...
Txt other part of me came up and spoke..something i normally wouldn't do...and i wasn't angry when i said it.
I said he hasnt been very helpful
*Dad was going to come and see me he said, but that he was going on holiday first.
So i don't think he really cares that much..but whatever.*
She then said to me:
*Oh, your so pessimistic!*
And i said, *Im not, thats the truth. That is what he's like. He goes on this holidays instead of visiting and he has always put his girlfriend before me. But you don't know, becasue you are not me, and you don't know what he is like* - brushing it off.

Then I walked out of the room

I hate that i disassociate or freeze, when really what i want is to rip this woman head off and scream at her -
how dare you judge! you don't know anything. You don't know my life.
You don't know that i was abused by my mother as a child and as a result i have complex PTSD and my dad stood by all these years and did NOTHING!!
You don't know that my dad has done nothing since i came to the refuge.
He hasnt even asked me IF IM OK- BASIC SKILLS!!
And its NOT IN MY HEAD because my Therapist agrees!


HOW DAD IS IS THE TRUTH.
ITS NOT IN MY HEAD!
and by her saying that *im so pessimistic* - putting it out there LIKE THAT IS A FACT- will not change anything. It wont change the PHYSICAL CIRCUMSTANCES- THE PHYSICAL LACK OF ACTION HE IS DOING.
It sounds to me as though she is saying that
*if i just think more positively- live in a make believe land where i hope dad will visit and i hope and JUST BELIEVE that he cares and that he isn't putting his holidays and his girlfriend before me
there WILL BE NO PROBLEM


IM JSUT BEING PESSIMISTIC
It really hurts. How absolutely dare she!!!
What i told her was quite sad ...
even if i was wrong..if thats how i FELT- that dad didnt care about me and didnt want to see me-
i personally think that someone THINKING that is a painful thing to hear.
Wouldnt she at least offer some words of comfort?

I mean, how uncalled for! Its not her place to say anything like what she said- she doesnt know me, my life, or my dad!

Why is everyone so invalidating? I would understand their irritation if i went around shouting my life story about looking for validation- but i don't! (and if anyone does that, validating is what they need, just it might grate on others)
I feel as if people want me to put on a happy act (due to others noticing I'm struggling and forcing me to tell them whats up and me being a tiny bit honest and them invalidating) and not speak my truth.
Just to nod and smile along and be their *good little girl* who is just complacent, and happy on the outside with everything.

AHHHHH!
Can anyone relate?
I know i should just see it as *her* issue. But I'm so triggered. Thats ok - i need to express this anger, but i cant for where I'm living.
Maybe some others cant stand to hear certain things, or cant stand to see someone in pain.
BUT THATS NOT MY PROBLEM.
I HATE HER.
This was the woman by the way, who brushed off what i said, when i went to tell her that i was being sexually touched up by this guy at the centre.
I HATE HER. I HATE HER.
#9
AV - Avoidance / Derealisation when ill?
October 14, 2016, 06:04:26 PM
Hello peeps..
Just a question....Does anyone else have experience with disassociating when they are ill or have a cold?

I finally realised whats wrong with me..why the world feels ..wrong...unfamiliour.
I caught a cold. Not surprising what with the stress  - that did pass..dont know where it went. The feelings vanished as quickly as they started.
And i havent been eating. And have possible adrenal fatigue..so my immune system might not be the best...hense..the cold...
When my normal routine changes, it can bring on derealisation.
Even if i don't *feel* any anxiety about the changes, - it is probably still there, sub consciously
Havent been using the net in coffee shop, and havent been doing my online course = change in usual routine.- been feeling too unwell.

maybe triggers brought this on.
Maybe cos ive *stopped* and I'm not as...flighty as usual, trying to keep on top of the loneliness and stay busy...that I'm disassociated...
Its been like this since i had the cold and change in routine.
Wondering if it has anyhting to do with the fact that as a child, i had to look after myself when i was not well, so maybe as a child, i would disassociate -
1. from the physical sensations of being ill ??
2. from the natural desire and NEED to have someone help me out and take care of me when i was unwell
I have craved this lately, a mother, (alway have) but since this cold came on.

Surprisingly, out of the blue- some people have made some really caring gestures, which has helped me to feel *mothered* and cared about, which i really appreciated,
such as giving me a lift because I'm not well,
buying me honey and lemon and making me a honey and lemon drink,
bringing me some ice cream for my throat,
making sure i sit near the fire at the allotment the other afternoon,
and one lady brought some home made ginger tea in for me today.
So amazingly nice of them!

Not sure if these caring gestures are adding or causing the disassociation. No- derealisation started before then.
Is this normal? does anyone know what this could be about?
#10
The guy at the counter today in cafe, said to me, *youve lost a lot of weight. You can see it in your face..you look really skinny. Have you been ill?*...
and i said taken aback...no, I'm just going through a really stressful time at the moment...
and he said, *oh, well, you still look good anyway...*
For some reason, i feel really sad about it.

Maybe it does look like I'm ill. Im super stressed and stopped eating even a normal amount of food that a person needs, when i came to the refuge.
i only eat when I'm really hungry...and i wished i could get back to just not feeling I need food at all...and unfortunately....thats the way it is right now...due to more stress that has come up.
Im not well inside. Cant afford to get bus to doctors. And I'm not *well* emotionally.

In the past..
My dads girlfriend, said (when i first started to put on a little bit of weight), that i looked healthier, she said that before, it did look like i needed a good meal).
I was living back at my dads again after X broke up with me...
and i would eat a lot when he was out of the house.
I wanted to look like this other girl i knew, so i ate to alter my body. I was happy * the little bit of weight that apparently make me look healthier,
but the weight gain continued.

My (narc) mother, when i visited her, commented on the fact that i was putting on weight when i saw her. I felt her remark hurt me very much.

I was always a size 12, and was hungry a lot as a child...
I ended putting on weight when i moved in with (my now narc X)...
and i comfort ate a lot.
I over indulged - maybe due to this lack of feeling full in my childhood.
My mother always comfort ate, but wanted us to be healthy, because she was fed a lot as a child.
Then, like my mother, I ate too much.
I know its attachment patterns - that didnt happen with parents.
We attach to food, alcohol, activity, cigerates...etc etc.

When the smoking started i didnt eat as much-smoking replaced food but since the refuge, i eat hardly anything for long periods.
My T thinks that some things happened in my childhood that i don't remember. She said its definitely possible.

I wonder if the weight gain had anything to do with this.
I ended up stuffing myself full of food after sex one time with my X, in which i felt really used and just dumped after he had finished. (i know narcs can do this)

May be just due to everything thats happening right now in my life, but I'm starting to feel like my younger self..through the way I'm slimmer now...
and i do think that part of me, whilst hating my mothers comment and hate being like her with the weight...
wants to rebel against her saying what she said..(even though she might want me to gain weight as she likes i think to see my downfall)..wants to keep the weight to let her know that her comment never got to me,
and maybe i feel closer to my mother, as i look more like her when i have extra weight.
I feel like, with the extra weight, my body felt more..motherly, but now, its like I'm just a child who has nothing of my mother in me, (even though i have dissociative parts inside and i have most of the same defences as my mother to survive).

I don't know how i feel about my body being different.
Part of me is glad, and part of me is not.
Im afraid that all the bad things that happened to me back then...(not only sexually)...will happen again...and that i will look younger than i am..the weight gain was another chapter of my life, when i started to change (recovery, waking up)...
maybe the weight was a protection...though i was still *victimised* sexually when i was bigger ...perhaps i felt it was a protection from my X (sexually).
But there is a part of me who thinks that .. men came after me trying it on when i was slimmer...i guess i don't want any of the bad things to happen again...

Things were not stable in the past- i didnt have stable home when i was slimmer. And now thats the case again. My x was bad...but he was the only constant i had...(though he dumped me over and over)..

I think i must of hated my body. i never fully accepted it though i believed that i did.
Now i don't like what i see in the mirror when i am not clothed.

Part of me wants to be taken care of. For everything to be ok.
Maybe i manifested this.  I thought that if people thought i was ill, they might help me. But i know this is not true.
I realised today , that i have lost the weight too fast and too drastically.
I don't want to get back to being as slim as i used to be- when i needed to eat more to look healthy.
When your ready to hear the story of what happened to you...(and ditching the coping mechanisms through grieving)..the weight will just be lost naturally.
is it because part of me is hearing some of the story of what happened?


#11
Was applying for PIP- already was on DLA (visual impairment, and wrote about Cptsd - which i came to learn i have)
They rejected it. Got a letter.
Couldn't speak honestly about my *struggles* in the assessment. Froze. New this would happen.
Said on letter i said different in the assessment.
They judged based on my *apperance*-saying i was not anxious at all in assessment.
They told me i could do all the things i said i find hard.
Huge huge trigger. Just like my mother. Which is why i cant talk about my visual impairment. So much shame and embarrassment and guilt.
Being disbelieved. Doubting myself.
Flashbacks- the world wants me to do it all myself. I don't deserve help, even though other people in my position have the money.
I tried to do interviews and i couldnt get a handle on it. Preparing was hard. Inner critic- self doubt. Felt horrible about myself. I have nothing to offer. Too triggering and i was so upset. I froze in interview. Felt like such a fool. Took a lot out of me, that i decided it wasn't worth it- not for now.

Had T session. Said that i see the assessors as being like my mother.- they just *became my mum in my head*
She said i say, *it must be all in my head* an awful lot.
I cant ask my dad for money.
I hope it sorts out and that they havent also canceled the ESA
Will have to appeal and I'm terrified. Im so ashamed, scared ill freak out or freeze, and i cant advocate for myself.
All the fears i have- i think i manifested.
Im sick and tired of the *challanges and life lessons* that this stuff- a repeat of my past- is trying to bring to me. and i don't know how to stop manifesting bad things. Im stuck. and I'm scared.

Felt worse after session.  Couldn't focus to write notes. Went home.
Cried buckets. All the fear came back as we talked about it in session.
Didn't have money for fags. I realise i have a lot of things i use to cope:
.Cigerates
.Internet
and drink...if things are really bad. And i cant afford any of these things.
I don't rely on others.
Only those things, and they help me to help myself to cope. If my coping mechanisms go, then i have nothing. I realise how much i deal with things on my own. (i know- not healthily and not in the right way)
Internet has gone as has my phone contract.

I sat on my bedroom floor, freaking out and crying, wondering how i would get through the night.
I heard myself say to myself,
*im so scared. Im the only one who can look after myself and i cant do it all myself. Know one can help me. If i cant help myself, i will die*
I must of felt this way as a child. I had to take care of myself and i was made to do things at too young an age. When i can't do something, this anger comes up.
I think that this is where the fear that i might die comes from- that the universe will cave in on me and i will die. That everything will go wrong. - the panic - thats what the panic is.

I cried for ages.
And i cried about the fact that T said that i say its all in my head a lot of the time.
I freaked out- thinking that my head must have been well and thoroughly screwed over (narc mother and X and enabler dad) if she is right. It seemed to resonate.
ended up downing a bottle of wine - managed to scrape four quid from my bag. I know it wont help, but i don't know how to cope.

Very hyper vigilant. Guy in subway on way back from shop and i thought he was after me. I tried walking fast but he caught up. I stood still, ready to take his attack, as i realised running wouldnt do anything.
he didnt come up to me but stared at me as i stood waiting for him to ..attack. Feel like I'm going crazy.

Hope i can still see T. She was so kind and offered lower fees.
Im scared my life here and everything ive tried to build, everything i wanted, is fading away. Im so scared.
Im scared to go back to dads and to live where i lived as a child.
I just hope money will come back in.
Scared ill have to leave refuge for i owe them a lot of money.
Scared my worst fears will come true - and with the flashbacks, i don't know how to help myself and I'm scared that i cant. I'm scared ill ruin the appeal.
I wanted so bad to be able to do this on my own- and ive been trying so hard. Im panicky, I'm scared all the time, I'm frustrated,and I'm exhausted.
I just want this nightmare to be over and I'm gutted that my life has become this. Pure survival.
If this is to show me - that no, see, you *cant* do it all on your own...then ok, ive learned my lesson.
I was proud as i was doing it- after i believed i woudlnt be able to- when T pointed out i have done stuff alone all my life.

lots of different flashbacks have come up, and i have them every day.
Im trying to walk instead of get the bus to save money...but crossing roads is wearing and i cant always do it.
Tried a few times to go the way others were trying to explain to avoid the big roads, but i still can't find it. Just end up walking down every possible avenue to try to find where they mean, and i can't find it. Feel so defeated and angry and frustrated. Feel like crying in the street. Don't see why i should have to give up- but trying hasnt got me anywhere thus far.
Don't feel i have any control.
There are positives in my life. When the flashbacks come, and this worry - it feels overwhelming and all consuming.

feel like I'm going to break. cant afford medication to help me at this time...though i wont want that when I'm I'm a better state.
T says imagine the panic is floating away- and we will deal with where the panic comes from another time.
I tried but its not working. it just overwhelms me. wish i could block all this out. feel like i need to hide from the storm that feels like its swirling around me. i feel like I'm holding on for dear life, and at times, i feel like I'm dying, and that my mind is going to break into a thousand pieces and that i will loose the plot completely.
Last night i couldn't help thinking about giving up. World, do what you want with me. Others- go ahead. Im tired of fighting, and i cant fight for myself.

So lucky to not be back at dads. but I'm tired and life feels like such a struggle all of the time and I'm fed up of simply just trying to survive. Life doesnt feel worth living when its so difficult.

I know I'm not dying so i feel guilty for my feelings and for the good things that i do have.
just needed to vent that. hard to explain how i feel, Im tired and my body is suffering. Sometimes life just feels unbearable.
#12
Not sure where to start.
today i got a letter from DLA and they stopped it=when i was always on it before and legally am allowed to be.
All of the stress was for nothing and i may have to appeal which terrifies me.
I messed up the assessment as i am so ashamed of my visual impairment- from my mother.
And i told them about the CPtSD.
Re-afirmes my belief that I'm not believed even if i tell the truth.
I cant go through any more stress. i cried when i got the letter.

Today in class at volunteering..
Discussion came up about viruses / infections...and i just casually said that i had something on my arm..was asked what it was like..
after class, the nice lady who teaches it, wanted to see my arm.
I was afraid as i have SI scars, but showed her the top part
Ive looked up online what it could be and never went to the doctor, as i hate going, and i popped all the blisters and put cream on them
She thinks it could be psoriasis-
My dad had psoriasis and i believe it was stress related - from his childhood and from living with my mother and his own trauma responses.
He uses cream from the doctor but never dealt with the underlying stress so it hasnt gone away.

Don't know if it has anything to do with the fact that i have been having father fantasies of this older guy who was quite *fatherly* to me, and we accidentally brushed arms. Then the irritation came out on me.
But i think it may be stress related.

I freaked out  - and due to the letter i received- and was trying to go about at the centre I was really struggling to hold it together, the tears just kept comming - so i went to the bathroom and stayed in their for ages crying.
Don't know whats happening to me. Could be all the feelings i surpassed and keep supressing- it just happens beyond my control via disassociation.
Could be it seems stress and emotional issues are coming out via skin issues. Guess they always find a way.
I never wanted psoriasis. I guess i  never wanted to be like my dad for many reasons- I'm so mad at him at the moment...
Its just verification that my body is not well - but i was hesitant to change that as it is validation for me that i need to look after myself- all scary things, and i cant relax for fear something bad will happen.

Im too scared to go to the doctor.
If i went i should take about adrenal fatigue and digestive issues- possible IBS.
don't know how to get over my fear of being invalidated and disbelieved and not helped.
Think this skin thing which i was happily ignoring just brought up all those feelings that i keep surpassing- and i have had a reminder of invalidation where I'm living from one staff member recently.
Im just sad.
I don't understand this sudden bout of unstoppable tears. Its as though my body is trying to relate stress built up.
Worried for sure about the letter but i  think i should put it aside for tomorrow as I'm not in a good emotional state.

Just needed to offload that. if you read till the end- thanks.
Does any one have any suggestion of how to get over my doctor fear?
#13
Doing a life coaching online course. Found out this:
We go through Transition periods in life, such as when learning to ride a bike.

Its normal to experince-
Tears of frustration and to think negative thoughts such as:
*eg.- ill never be able to ride a bike*- its a self for filling prophecy
We go trough a TRANSITION PERIOD-
from incompetence to competence
despite trials and tribulations- when learning new things.
Why???
Because we cant go from incompetence = compotence-
WITH OUT
the PAINFUL transition period (known as a learning curve)
You will likely experience:
.Anger
.Frustration
.Stress
.Anxiety
.Fear
.a number of other emotions
.Physical pain from falling off your bike

You experience ANXIETY - as your afraid to ride with out someone holding the seat.
Your experience euphoria when you finally do it on your own.
You want to take that risk, becasue you believe the end result will be wroth it.
Its ok if you fail- because you can just try again
Your self belief is that you can do it
.You are in control of the situation
.In control of your learning
.and in control of the outcome

Learning to ride a bike was not a good time for me. I definitely didnt experience euphoria, just anxiety and feeling bad.
Reading this..im not sure i did go through this normal transition period of learning a new skill.
I don't think my fear of riding was validated.
I must have disassociated that away, especially as the parent teaching me was so angry with me not picking it up right away and for feeling afraid (their own insecurity and frustration probably).

and this anger when i cant do something comes up now... sure, i was made to do things myself at too young an age and i knew i wasnt *allowed* to ask for help so i got angry with myself.
but like all the other stuff- feelings that were not felt back then and processed- come back up now.
How does one as a child, manage to learn new skills, when they cant complete the natural transition period and feel the emotions that naturally come up?? Maybe this is part of developmental stages that were missed??
and maybe our experiences like these ones- set our beliefs up for adult hood ie. there is pain in learning a new skill
#14
Ok...please could someone let me know what they think might be happening here?
Sounds like hoovering to me...and I'm not sure his feelings are genuine.
Even if they are...i cant have any sort of relationship with my X.
And does this new girlfriend know he sent this message?

Little backstory-
at refuge due to things narc X did after he broke off our nine year relationship.
I left the house in a panic, and then a day later, he had packed all my things in to bin bags and told me to come and get it - via a text- on my birthday.
His new girlfriend moved strait in- they were in bed together that night before i had moved out- despite him knowing i was uncomfortable with that until i moved out...he did ask..but went against what he promised.
She had been using a present he gave to me for christmas.

He insisted he pay my phone contract when we were together- as i oculdnt afford it.
Its now comming to an end, and at volunteering, he told me he has to cancel it-
which is what i wanted when i had the money to pay for it myself. Only i still don't have the money.
I wrote about it in Emotional flashbacks, titled
Feel unsafe, simply having my clothes back at refuge- is this normal???

It feels wrong pasting his email...i just don't know what else to do..and I'm feeling quite alone...
His email:
Hey,
It was actually really nice talking to you today, even if it was only superficial!
Anyways, I was thinking on the bus, and I can't leave you without a phone, especially the internet - I know how much you love Youtube and stuff.
I've took out a sim-only contract for you, so you get to keep the same number, although what you get will be slightly different.

You now get:
200 minutes,
Unlimited Data (30 gb of which you can use with personal hotspot)
Unlimited texts.
Actually, I think the only bit which changes is your minutes.
Anyways, I'm not sure what sort of shape your phone is in, so I'm going t get you an iPhone 6 if youll let me.

I don't want anything for either the contract or the phone, call it a christmas present or something.

Anyways, what I said before still stands: I am here for you if you ever need anything, and for what it's worth, I miss you.

Hope you're really OK, and I'll come find you when I've got you the phone.
Take care,
XX

He cant see that what he did was wrong, when i went to therapy to change my behaviour towards him. He misses me? It seemed like he couldn't wait to get rid of me.
I don't know what to do about this. I don't want him to pay.
Never again will i rely on him to help me out with anything...and i wish i never did.
I told him thanks, but that i just don't trust that he will pay it (and its not his job).
#15
Had an interaction with X at volunteering today. I was talking to receptionist in the office, and he said that he wanted to come in the office.
Of course, i felt unsafe and my heart is still pounding.

He said my phone contract -
which he has been paying (which i thought he was unaware of and after everything he did, i thought that was the least he could do),
will come to an end soon, and that he will pay for a sim only one for me as he doesnt want me to be with out a phone.
I said its ok ill sort it out myself, and that i don't think i can afford any contract at the moment.
I said i don't trust him to pay it...
He said thats ok...
i wasnt able to take anything in that he was saying, i felt trapped, and my heart was pounding. and now i cant remember the date he said the contract would end.

I told him i was waiting for my money to be sorted out, as i was going to take it out of his name and either pay it myself, or get a new contract / new phone..

He said, how are you doing? are you alright?
and i just said, I'm fine thanks, how are you?
Im not sure if he really cares how i am...is this a potential hoover?
Before when he asked this, it was like the old him, and i felt upset.

I feel shaken up..and i don't know if it might not sound like a big deal to you guys...but i feel unsafe.
I also cant be with out internet which i rely on my phone for, as well as texts and calls.
He said in the past, that you have to be careful with getting phone contracts etc as they try to sell you the most expensive,
and i get so anxious speaking to people about this stuff...
i don't want to get doddled.
I feel like a child. There are things i don't know how to sort out myself in this world and i need some help and support to find a contract that i can pay- i don't even know where to start and i felt quite panicky.

Last night-
i sorted through the stuff Friend dropped off-
i just wanted some clothes for winter as its September now...
and everything felt disorganised and i was remembering bad things that happened,
one trigger was -
the pyjamas i wrote to bed last night that i got out of the bags-
we had many arguments whilst i was wearing thoes pjs...
some things i threw out as they remind me of bad times.
My clothes were on my body and in that place i called *home* when all the bad stuff happened, its like they witnessed it all. It feels like everything i own is stained.

I felt unsafe having my things with me.
The only thing that is missing is *him* and i felt like he was in a way, in my room with me. Like he could just come and get me.

i feel like something bad is going to happen. Its like I'm back in the place again when i lived with him, and ive noticed since one woman and her little boy left the refuge-
i feel safer.
And in my experience- when i feel better- bad things happen and it all comes crashing down.
Its terrifying to think that i lived with him. That i was trapped there (i was trapped because i believed i was, and i didnt have much options for escape, should i have wanted it, due to my own life circumstances and not wanting to go back to parents-
and my own fears of being alone)

Whats going on?? is this normal to feel this way at having my stuff back?
any input would be appreciated...thanks...
#16
Would anyone mind replying to let me know what you think is happening here?

When narc X put my stuff into bin bags and told me to come and get them, after i ran away to a friends place for the night after he broke my trust (wont go into what happened),
a friend said that she would go back to the house with me and pick them up, as she had a van.
She works for this guy so goes round his house a lot, so she stored them there, as there was no room at her place.


I have been at the women's refuge for longer than i thought i would be, and i asked her if i could have some of my winter clothes from her place where all my things are stored.
She said yes.
Today she text me and said that she will drop all of my stuff at refuge tomorrow morning.
She is not going to be staying round at this guys place that she cares for that much anymore, as her job is coming to an end soon,
so I'm wondering why she can't leave some of my stuff there still, as she can still go back to see him the said and she is having christmas with him.

She said she needs the space in her room at his guys place, and i just wish she had told me sooner.
My feelings are, that, she said she will keep my stuff for me at this guys place,
and now she is saying that she will just give all of it back to me...she knows i don't have the room in my room at refuge.
So, it feels that, she has just decided that she doesnt want to store it at his anymore...
and she is going to drop it off at my door tomorrow morning.

I feel really anxious and kind of..panicky today.
maybe its a flashback to the many times my (narc) X with out warning, dropped my stuff off at my mums, and to the last time he completely threw all of my stuff out after i ran away that night.

We havent been close- this friend and me.
It was because of a text, and of course, my T wont tell me if i mis-read her text.
I felt that she was on my X's side after all and i felt totally let down by her.
I also don't now how to have a friendship, and she was open about her stuff with me, but my counter dependancy was at play big time, and i realised for the first time, that I'm terrified of even being close with *friends*.
So, i pushed her away, and distanced myself from her.

Maybe i deserve what she is doing , i don't know. I just got scared and i wish i could ask her about what happened, and i wish i could be honest with her and tell her i freaked out. I nearly did the other day, but the words never came out and i froze.

#17
In therapy we were talking about dissociative parts.
There are parts that i can't tell her about- More than i thought, where as before, i thought there was only one part.

She knows i cant tell her about some parts as i told her I'm worried she might think its weird, that I'm weird.
She says, that she wont think its weird.
But thats not enough.
How am i meant to trust that?
Why do i have this huge block to opening up to her?
I know she can't make me trust, but do you guys think that she should be saying more than, *i wont think its weird?*

I know i havent talked to her about the concerns i had about her as my T.
But i would be this closed off about my *parts* with anybody.
Maybe i would share this with my X if I was still with him and things hadn't gone the way they had, because he did know about some of my weird behaviours and i knew some of his.
I think that ... maybe if i didnt develop a *self*, then the self i have is split up and made up of strange behaviours i used as a child...
and I'm ashamed of *me* deep in my core...
so how on earth am i meant to talk about these parts of me?
:spooked:

I left feeling so angry with myself. I get frustrated with myself in session and like a small child, need to cry in anger.
I feel that i can't work on much because i can only give her surface details.

#18
Im wondering if anyone can offer any advice on how to deal with loneliness?
I know Recovery a while back made a thread on it, which i have read.
And now I'm wondering if this loneliness is a flashback.
I have always felt alone, in groups, with friends, who turned out to not be proper friends so i ditched them.
Now I'm finding, that I *am alone*, and feeling lonely.

I don't speak to my FOO. and I have no friends. The only person i have is my therapist.
Since break up with narc X, i was round with friends at their house and they invited him over. I was terrified and just left.
Long story,but they were on his side, and i wonder if he had been telling them things. =
Never about his own behaviour - because he was in denial about that.
Or- he couldn't see that there was also a problem with the way he behaved. We both hurt each other, only he did extra stuff such as packing my stuff into bin bags and moving his new girlfriend in so i had to move out, despite him saying i could stay there whilst i sorted myself out somewhere to live.
(he is the one who ended the relationship- though i did push him away, so the relationship died a long time ago before it ended)
I am no contact with my X.
I stopped seeing these friends too, and one of them, i was sexually assaulted by.

So, what I'm trying to say, is that the way things have gone...
me attracting others who are self absorbed and not real friends who care about me...
My inability on my behalf to form proper connections and be honest and intimate with others...
And maybe my X screwed them up too so they I was the one who did everything wrong in the relationship ...
.And, me nearly making new friends but for reasons of mine...me being scared of that and pushing them away...and the way they have been quite hurtful to me...
I have know one.

Im too nervous at the moment to go out and meet people.
I was in a flashback yesterday evening and ended up drinking.
Then i work up at four in the morning and felt alone.
I don't think I'm feeling the aloneness as deeply as i could. I cant cry about it or anything.
Then this morning (its a four day holiday for me right now-not by choice)...I woke up feeling there is no point getting up. Its the same every weekend. Its like..this gray, empty feeling.
I do stuff to fill my time...such as going to the coffee shop and using my laptop- but there is only so much i can do, and i have no choice but to do it all alone.

Any advice?
#19
I don't know if this is compartmentalisation.
I never knew i did this.
eg. I keep the refuge seperate from the centre where i volunteer, and i never talk about the refuge there.
I never talk about the centre at the refuge.
T said i prefer it that way - thats why i never talk about them to people at the other. (and also, i don't talk about myself at all)

I feel that i have different parts. T said i do.
Lately i have been so self destructive and angry at the world.
When i feel this way, i want to dress differently, perhaps to express this stuff on the outside?
I think its a teenage part, that i was never allowed to express.
And it doesnt feel fully *me* do dress like a punk, so i never felt comfortable to do that, only, i never had the money as a teen to just buy clothes and go through that phase.

Lately, i have been dressing different outwardly.
A lady from the past was at volunteering yesterday, and i found out stuff about the narc lady (who i wished was my mother).
I suddenly wanted to rip my arm bracelets off and instead, change into clothes that are similar to what the narc lady wore.
But my depressed mood, anger and self destruction, is not up over, I'm sure.

It suddenly felt like, this refuge, it didnt fit.
It was as thought my head had been transported back to then, back to those feelings of wanting this woman.

I think what i do, is, seperate life events, by disassociating from my feelings.
When she left, i put it all away.
I felt numb and life never felt the same again. Empty.
Next- completely seperate chapter of my life- i started therapy and was still living with my partner.
Next chapter- X broke up with me, and i moved to a refuge.
This is another chapter.
Only yesterday, it felt wrong. Not right. Alone. the narc lady is gone.
And I'm alone, doing this with out her.
Its like an intrusion of ...thoughts? ..realisation?
Its like the old me- the me that i was when me and her were taking (before she left), sort of ...came back and said..hey..what are you doing?
look at how different your life is now! It doesnt fit!

I felt really mixed up. I cant describe it.
There are lots of puzzle pieces to my life (meaning, life events / periods of my life that i disassociated from- and so they are all seperate from each other)
and sometimes, another period of my life, springs out and hits me in the face...and its not..intergrated into my life now.
It feels like these time periods of my life, don't form one straight line.
They are all cut of from each other.
It was like a wake up call. I had been back to the past for a little while, away in my head, but when i look around me, that isn't my life- this is - and i don't like it.

Can anyone relate?



#20
Hi everyone,
Just a question...

I slept all day. Woke up at 4.30pm. Thought this would happen. I have always overslept, and i knew last night that i wouldnt wake up to my alarm, and i have no reason to get up, plus, I'm exhausted.
At weekends, i hate waking up, - always did because weekends felt empty.
Now, i have know one to spend them with.
My X isn't here. (I'm in a refuge). I had to leave my *friends* as i felt they were hurting me and were not real friends.
I am pushing away the supportive people i had (and i don't know if its me being me, or if its due to what they are doing- or both)

I feel...the only way i can try to describe it is...like I'm experiencing derealisation when i wake.
I told me T about holidays and weekends feeling weird, so actually.. it may be actual derealisation. I still feel it now writing this post.
She said the anxiety that I'm not aware of builds up about the weekends (i hated being at home as a child).

The main reason I'm writing is about this dream i had.
It wasnt the typical *anxiety dreams* i have, but i think there was some anxiety in it.
I miss not being able to tell my X about my dreams if they are bad.
He was mostly unresponsive and said it was boring listening. But i wish i could tell someone.

I havent been dreaming much. (well, I'm not remembering them)..
Since i came here, i have been having dreams about me and narc X talking and me saying things i should have said to him back then.
I have learnt a lot about him (or so i think, i may have it all wrong)
and I'm angry and shouting in them.
Those dreams, strangely, take place in my dads bedroom at my first childhood home.

Last night, i dreamed i was still living with X in his house.
I think the dream was triggered because lately, i have bene wondering if the  thing in the house I'm scared of hurting me, is me.
I wont go into it - its too long. But it was triggered back then by abandonment.
Before i went to sleep, i was scared of the shadow in the corner of my room.

The dream-
We were in a theatre. X said that if the lights went out and he was here alone in the dark, he would be really scared. The guy at the front was a funny, but talking about paranormal stuff.
Next scene- X said he was going to get stuff from his mums house, then we can watch the movie.
He went out. I opened the front door, and our dog was there, and two other dogs. The was also a cow and a bull stood out side the front door.
I closed the door straight away.
X came up the path and through the glass, i said to him that there is a cow and a bull here, don't open the door.
The cow licked his face.
He said he would get help, so he ran off next door.
He said he was also doing to get the dip.
End of dream.

Why did i feel so horrible?
I didnt love him in the dream. I wonder if other dreams happened that night that i don't remember (and if they often do), to make me feel ..not good when i wake.
Perhaps, the bull and the cow, represent me, now...my struggle and how awful i feel on a regular basis. how lonely i am, and he was getting help for me in the dream.
Its like, having a sour taste in my mouth when i wake.
Like i need to get this horrible feeling out of me. It feels uncomfortable.
Does any one know whats going on?  Thanks.