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I wasn't quite sure where to put this memory, but I would like to ask if anyone thinks it could be a potentially abusive memory - TW intimate content:

My M used to insist on putting lots of talc in my vaginal area - she always made a big thing of saying that I should ensure I have talc in 'all my nooks and crannies' - and this gives me a horrible image as an adult, as if she's trying to dry out all my fluids and make me dry and unhealthy.  I also think that people who do that are at risk potentially of cancer - because surely it's not healthy to use talc so much.  I don't do it as an adult, but I did used to do it as a child and teenager and probably into my young 20's as well. 

I just wondered what other people think of that.  Do you think it's an abusive thing, or just a weird behaviour?  I know I've never asked her why she did that - but she used to do it to herself as well - and make a big thing of telling me about it.  Strikes me as weird.

For some reason, that memory has been popping up more frequently, so I thought I'd write about it, and see what people think. 

Hope 

Hi - I think I've woken up my Inner Critic, because I just feel like it's 'getting at me incessantly' just now - like it is telling me I'm 'bad' - it's annoying!  I wish it would stop.   

Got to go...  wanted to write more, but I can't. 

I think this will hopefully get better - I will try to stay with the moment on this - and see what happens, but I don't like it...

Hope 

F = Father

Dear F,
I want to tell you some of my thoughts and my feelings here today, in this letter.  I'll never send you this letter, I am just writing it for my own 'recovery' - and for my own processing.  I'm aware that over the years, I've not really addressed my feelings towards you - because they are too painful - and because there's been part of me that feels bad about what's happened.  Somehow I've felt that I've needed to meet your needs, and also those of M (Mum) - and yet I was a small child, and I don't think either you or M met 'MY' needs. 

So - here I go - I feel very upset as I write this, but I'm going to say what I think and what I feel...

You violated me - I was your baby - I was little, vulnerable, I needed care and love and attention - and I think you just saw in me 'something' that you could abuse - that you could use for your own gratification.  I 'think' you thought you loved me - but really - I was meeting your needs - I feel sure that you saw me in sexual ways - I read that book you had - with the brown paper, it talked about stimulating a baby, a young toddler, and how a little child would enjoy that.  I can't remember how old I was when I read that - but even that memory is one where I think 'What?!' - 'Can that have been real?' - 'Did I make that up?'  - but I have other memories that I've already written about in my Journal about my CSA - like when you touched my hair and dried it, and you breathed really weird - I think I was about 4 years old, but I don't know for certain what age I was.  Maybe I was younger. 

I remember all the times you touched my breasts, you held out your hand when I sat down as a teenager - or maybe even younger.  How you photographed me on that rock in the lake - with no top on, and you told me that was ok.  I felt uncomfortable about it.  I didn't think it was right.  Why did I let you do that?  Why didn't someone stop you?  Why did M collude with that.  Did she think it was OK?

It WASN"T ok - it was wrong.

Do you realise how I feel now as an adult woman?  How I don't feel confident to wear a skirt or a dress - hardly ever, because I feel comfortable in trousers somehow - as if I'm 'safer' that way?  Like I feel uncomfortable whenever I have any kind of internal examination - like a smear test or similar - it's like I feel violated. 

How I look at any old photos of us together, and remember how strained I felt as you put your arm around me, like I felt 'stiff' and 'uncomfortable' - and wanted space between me and yourself.

I remember when you hit me once - because I'd been enjoying a walk with lots of other kids on a school trip, and I got 'carried away' and we ran ahead of the rest of the class, and I was 'in trouble' for that, and you decided it was a good idea to discipline me by hitting me across the bum with a slipper or something - but you seemed to enjoy the fact you hit me on my bare bum, and you seemed to breathe weird again while you did that, and tell me 'I don't want to do this' - but somehow you seemed to enjoy doing it. 

I feel sick about the fact that I ended up dancing supposedly in a seductive way, trying to get your attention that one time when I was a young girl - maybe 9 years old or something like that, again I have no idea of the actual age, but you told me afterwards that you were glad I wasn't going to 'make my living by dancing' as you didn't think I was very good at it.  What a weird and sick thing - that's what I think.

I feel SOOOOO upset by what you did, how you treated me - and yet as an adult, now we've been estranged for so long - a few years now, I know you said on the phone when you tried to contact me ' We'd never hurt you' - but you don't see that you DID hurt me, you HAVE hurt me, and I refuse to allow you into my life again to hurt me again. 

I haven't been able to talk to you about your behaviour - and I know that if I tried to talk to you or my M about it, that you would deny it - and you'd say I was making it up.  That's what I believe you'd do.  But I haven't made it up, I know you crossed the line too many times. 

Weirdly, now, as I write this, I feel like I'm far away in a fog, like I'm dissociating from the reality of this.  I will leave this letter here, but take myself away from this scenario.  I am safe from you - you can't hurt me anymore.

So F - I want you to know that I'm angry about what you did, that I won't allow you to hurt me anymore.  "

Hope 

I feel frustrated today - I am NC with my FOO - but it seems that my M wanted to communicate  with me today - and she sent me an E-mail.  However it was bizarre - she put a title of 'Family news' in the title, and then inside it just had the name of a relative with her birth date and death date - and that was all my M wrote. 

It was such a cold and callous communication to my mind - especially as I have never known the relative in any meaningful way - I have NO memory of ever meeting her (an Aunt - the sister of my F) - and to my knowledge my M and D haven't had any meaningful relationship or contact either - so why is she doing this?

I guess it's to get some kind of reaction from me - but I won't reply - I don't reply anymore to any communications. 

I felt a strong reaction at first - like fearful - upset - frozen - but then emotions of anger came - and that is how I'm feeling now.  Angry.  Angry that she can just act in this bizarre and horrible way.  Cold, callous, and manipulative.



Anyway, glad to be able to express this here...

Hope 

Letter to my Sister (not to send)

Here I am 43 years since I last saw you, and 1 year since I was able to locate you and communicate with you – and today I'm writing you a letter in a forum, which I don't intend to send to you, because currently I don't feel able to communicate these things to you – for fear of damaging our already fragile relationship.  But at the same time, I want to 'get these feelings out' and 'express them' – so that they don't keep going round in my head.

So this is why I'm writing this today – and I don't intend to send this to you, just use the opportunity to 'offload' my thoughts and feelings, and 'say some things' to you in this letter.

I suspect that Little Hope will probably speak up and tell her feelings on things, more than Adult Hope, because she is the one who felt abandoned when you left and decided to live with our Grandparents.  You'd also fought our parents, and not complied with the things they expected of you, which caused you much pain and distress.  They sent you away to several care homes for much of your childhood, and I know from what you've said to me, that you felt better there than in the family home.  You had a terrible experience at home, and I am so sorry that you had to endure so many awful things.

Whilst you acknowledged that I was kept as a 'caged bird' without freedom and stifled and smothered – you thought I was essentially ok – you didn't look back when you left.  Why would you – we had never been allowed to have a relationship – we weren't allowed to talk to each other very much – just snippets now and then if we were in the car when our mother went into a shop. 

My memories of you are so few – and the ones I have are fragmented – just small segments of a jig-saw puzzle, and it's been helpful to communicate with you, and put some of those pieces together to form a coherent picture.  Thank you for that, and thank you for listening to me – and I hope you have felt similarly listened to in response.

I have been shocked at the experiences you had – and I know you were similarly shocked by some of my experiences, when I told you about them – but essentially whilst we understand and comprehend these things at some levels – we attribute different causes to those things – i.e. you think our parents are 'controlled by the dark side' and that they are 'sadistic' and 'evil'  and I wonder about other 'reasons' – maybe generational trauma – patterns of estrangement across the generations – that has become evident when I've looked in our ancestry.

You don't 'trust' my background – because you see me as 'educated' and you tell me that you think of school as a form of 'brain-washing' – and you've asked me not to use my education against you.  I would never do that, but the very fact you said that to me, makes me think that perhaps you have found my way of thinking to be annoying or in conflict with your own.    I know that I tend to look for causes and reasons, and I do intellectualise things – and think about them in my head – mentally churning things around, and I try to use rational thought when I can – you have studied other ways – and relate to a completely different belief system – I won't go into detail about it, because you know what you believe, and I think that many people would find it hard to comprehend.  I told you that I respect your beliefs, but at the same time, I do not share them.  We fell out about this for a time, but we are writing again.

I think that you've been passive aggressive in some of your recent communications to me – and I've tried to avoid those parts in my replies, as I fear that we will 'fall out' again if we discuss them.  I've even felt as if I want to shut down communication and distance myself from you – for my own preservation, and I wonder if you feel the same way sometimes?  Again, I fear to ask you about this, as I'm not sure how you'll react.

The last thing I want to do is hurt your feelings, or bring you any distress – and at the same time, I want to protect myself too.  Hence I tread carefully in my newly found relationship with you. 

To be honest, I don't really know how to proceed, apart from cautiously.  But maybe that is the best way.

It's helped to write this here, because hopefully I can review my thoughts and feelings about this at a future date, and see how things have progressed and what has happened.

If anyone has read this letter, then thank you – and if you want to comment – I welcome comments – but only if you want to, and just knowing you've read it and taken interest enough to do so, is validating to me.  Thank you.

Hope ☺

I am not sure if I'm writing in the right section, because the focus of this post is more about something I've noticed about myself, as a result of trying to focus on getting in tune with my 'felt senses' - as opposed to my usual tendency to dissociate.

It's made me realise that I typically don't 'feel' things the same as people around me seem to - and I'll give some examples of that:

I tend to have really hot baths, because I just don't 'feel' the temperature of the water, so tend to really have 'hot' water.  My partner has commented that he doesn't know how I can tolerate the hotness of the water, as he said it is really really hot!

If I go to see a doctor, or a dentist, and have to describe pain/discomfort, it is really hard for me to say 'how' I'm feeling - e.g. describing whether a cough is wet or dry - somehow I just 'don't seem to know' - it's not as if I can't 'feel' pain - but to know how my pain compares to someone elses - I just don't know.

I've noticed if I'm driving my car that any passengers who are with me, will end up moving the controls on the dashboard to regulate the temperature, and yet I am oblivious to what the temperature is like in the car.

I tend to go out with short sleeved clothes in supposedly cold weather - and I don't really feel the need to wrap up warm like other people seem to.

I just wondered if anyone else has experienced similar things, and whether it's due to a tendency to dissociate, or whether maybe it's something else???

Just wanted to ask for other people's thoughts/experiences.

Thanks,

Hope 

Hi everyone,
I suffered quite a big EF this week, when I thought about the fact that my GP has retired, and I need to get a new GP.  I do need to go to the GP - but I am aware that I will find it tough to get to know a new one - especially as they will see my medical notes and will probably label me as depressed and anxious, as I did feel like that in the years leading up to my estrangement from my FOO. 

My actual GP will still be working in the Practice till the end of the year, but I've signed up with a new GP - and not met her yet.  I don't feel able to see the old one, because I have a massive trigger for 'Goodbyes' - even the word is hard for me to cope with - I am feeling really upset as I write this, for even having written it - it is a massive trigger word for me.  I don't even understand why it is so potent.

My EF earlier in the week was because I spoke my concerns out loud to my partner, and just speaking about it aloud made me cry a lot and I felt so helpless and upset.  As if I was distraught.

What scares me is - that when I do go and see the new GP, that I won't be able to keep myself 'together' and will be emotional and cry, and then they may think I am depressed - when I know I'm NOT depressed - it is purely due to my CPTSD (which I think I have, self-diagnosed) but which I've NOT talked to my GP about - as I didn't want to talk about my past with the old GP.

I might have to come back to this, because I am not expressing myself very well - and I've triggered myself way too much just now.

I will leave this here, but will hope to come back - and talk more about it, when I can.

Hope 

I have only recently managed to re-connect with my elder sister, whom I last saw when I was just 8 years of age.  She lives in a different country to me, and neither of us have broached whether to actually meet up. 

We are both estranged from our FOO (parents). 

I am struggling a bit with our different perspectives.  I know it's going to be challenging to try to bridge the gap of years – and the lack of a continuing sibling relationship with her – and I really value the fact we are in touch and that we communicate regularly by E-mail, but it's still quite challenging to get my head round.  For years, I wasn't even sure if she actually 'existed' if that makes sense – there was part of me that thought it might not be real.

But whilst I remained very much entrenched and enmeshed with my FOO (parents), for many decades of my life, and they actively  kept me in the dark about the various family secrets surrounding my sister's expulsion from our family, and whilst I have only in recent years managed to break free, and find her – I discover that she has understandably been coping in her own way, but that way involves some quite unusual beliefs.

Whilst I seek out 'answers' from various self-help books, and my memories of the therapy I had for a while, and try to look for 'reasons' and 'try to make sense' of what happened, my sister has an entirely different belief set for things.  She believes that our parents are controlled by the 'dark side' and she believes that they will be punished for what they did in another lifetime.  She truly believes this, and so when I ask her questions about our parents, although she replies and tells me what she knows (she's 8 years older than me), she has very different perspectives to my own.

I can completely understand why she might feel they are 'controlled by the dark side' – because she told me that they did some horrific things to her – but at the same time, I think that thinking of them being in the control of some ulterior 'power/being' takes away any sense of their own 'responsibility' – surely they made 'choices' about their behaviour.

But maybe she needs to hold onto her view of this 'dark side' as the only way to comprehend how someone could treat a human being in a bad way.

I did try to question her more and sensitively challenge some of her beliefs, but she got quite angry with me – and we didn't communicate for a while, and since we 'made-up' and re-connected, I've tried to be very careful not to challenge her as I really don't want to upset her.   

It's so difficult to communicate with her without really 'knowing' her. 

Anyway, I wanted to share this in a post, because I would value knowing what others thing – whether you've got any similar experiences, or just any comments/thoughts. 

Hope 

"I Feel Torn – Letter to my Mother" (potential triggers).
(I won't be sending this letter - it is purely to get my feelings out).

I've just been reading our E-mails – prior to my NC with you.  I was VLC at that time, purely communicating with you via E-mails for a couple of years – I can see that I attempted to communicate with you regarding some of my feelings, and I dared to broach the subject of my sister (whom I last saw when I was just 8 years old, and whom I've only recently located as an adult in my early 50's).

At the time I was writing to you, I hadn't found my sister, and I was trying to ask you about her – and I mentioned I had always wondered why she lived with us for such a relatively short period of time.  Your answer was callous and devoid of understanding my feelings – that is how it felt.  It was like you thought it was none of my business – and you blatantly disagreed that I'd not been able to talk about her – you suggested that I could have talked about anything I wanted at any time, but you know – that didn't feel like an option to me.  I remember your body language, your tone of voice, your ability to stop me from expressing myself, and you had me 'trained' into submission over many years, and I always felt devoted to pleasing you and to ensuring that I didn't rock the boat, or talk about any of the subjects which you had rendered 'Taboo'.  My sister was 'Taboo' to the extent that I managed to talk once to my F about her, when I was in my mid 30's, just the one time, and he did actually admit she existed, but he said he would deny talking to me about her, if I told you that he had spoken out.  He was clearly 'frightened' of you, and too scared to 'step out of line'.  Such was your power over us all in the family. 

Re-reading your E-mails in the light of day today – which is a few years or so after they were sent, and I've been NC with you for the past couple of years – I have mixed feelings – I feel torn between a sadness that things have turned out as they have, i.e. that we are estranged, but I have also an utter incredulity that you didn't meet me half-way when I reached out to you – my words in my E-mails appeared to me to be extremely polite, and deferent to you, considerate of your feelings, and accepting that we would have differing perceptions of events etc – I also told you I loved you and missed you.  What I wanted you to do in reply – was to say you loved me too, that you also missed me and wanted to re-connect and build a relationship again.  You didn't do that.  You told me that 'The days of you doing what you like are over' – and you went on to say that you were deeply hurt by my behaviour, and that you expected me to apologise, but you knew that I wouldn't.

So I can see that you were blaming me.  You told me you never did anything wrong. 

Well I know better, especially since I've re-connected with my sister and know things from her perspective now – I know that you did do quite a few things that weren't right –( omitted details of what I wrote as too specific, but content relates to physical and emotional abuse issues) – not allowing her to have a relationship with me – her little sister – never allowing us to talk to one another – unless we were alone in the car whilst you went into a shop.  You denied us a relationship.  You never told me why. 

I feel angry towards you – you never spoke to me about what happened.  On the occasion when I mentioned to the school about my sister, you then reacted very angrily – asking me what I'd said, why I'd mentioned about my sister – and I soon shut up and kept back with the script – 'Nothing to see here'.  But there was plenty to see.  I was only a small child, I didn't understand what was going on, but I witnessed lots of tension, lots of angst and I know I took it all in, as I remember how tightly I would clench my jaw, and how painful that tension became.  My memories are fragmented, but I can remember fragments here and there – and I often experience emotional flash-backs.

I don't think you 'see anything wrong' because you chose to close your heart and mind to it.  Probably to preserve your own sense of self-esteem and your own self-identity.  Maybe you want to be seen as the 'good mother' who coped with bringing up a child – and I think  you were proud of me at times– your Golden Child – the one you chose to put your attention into and you enjoyed the fact I succeeded in academic ways – and all was fine in your life as long as I was conforming and doing what you wanted me to do.   But my sister – she struggled, because she was too anxious from how she'd been treated by you – although I admire the fact she fought to escape, and she was able to finally go back to live with her Grand-parents.  I of course was denied a relationship with my Grand-parents, and so estrangement repeats itself across the Generations.  It is very sad.   

My sister told me that our Grandmother used to struggle up the garden path with our Grandfather to try to visit us – and how you'd refuse to answer the door to them, and told us all to sit like statues on the sofa – and wait till they'd gone. That scenario was repeated by myself when you and my F tried to visit us in our home, and I was too scared to answer the door to you, and I hid – and my partner  answered the door to you, and told you I didn't want to see you.  At least he did reply to you – and spoke to you – unlike your own behaviour with your own parents.  I wish I'd been brave enough to speak to you – but the frightened inner child won out that day – and I felt literally petrified.  I had told you I didn't want contact anymore, and you were being beligerant in trying to push me into contact, so essentially you weren't respecting my boundaries.

I feel torn, because there's part of me that wishes I could have remained stronger and been able to continue to be the daughter you wanted/needed me to be – but I couldn't keep my sanity if I continued to play that role.  I needed to break free from you – it's a toxic relationship, and I needed to breathe and be free of you.

I don't think you understand at all – because all you see is the fact I had your attention through much of my life – but you know, it was too much, I needed to grow as a child and blossom as an adult, and you didn't give me space to do that.  I couldn't develop my own personality traits or identity, as I was always looking to be what or who you wanted me to be.   I can see that there are many parts of me that ended up with stunted growth – particularly at emotional levels – and at other levels  you  parentified me, so that I  felt that I was looking after your needs – although I feel sure that you don't acknowledge that, or see it that way.   But I think I made your life happier for some of the time I was in it – even though I feel sure now that you've blamed me for any unhappiness in your life now, and you will most likely perceive it to be unhappy because of an ungrateful child.

I am torn in my emotions, because essentially I mourn the caring and loving mother that I had hoped I would have, but I don't feel those sentiments from you.  I've been silent for much of my life about this, but I am finally beginning to  'speak my own truths' and express myself by letting some of the feelings out.

To people in the Forum:
That's the end of my letter - it took me a few days to be brave enough to post this letter here, but I really want to post it and gain some validation - because I've been scared for years to speak out about my feelings and thoughts.

If you have read this far, then thank you. 

Hope 

I feel the need to write to you, FOO, and tell you some of the things that are upsetting me about the way you treated me when I was a child.  Writing about my 'timeline' and some of my memories in my diary have brought up some pretty strong feelings, and I just want to 'let them out' - I think it will help my recovery to process them in this way - but I would like to say, there are 'Trigger Warnings'.  Certainly, I have felt triggered by recalling these things, but I really want to 'get them out' and process them, and I do welcome anyone's replies/comments/feedback - which is why I'm sharing them in this thread. 

So, I address this to my FOO - my parents (mother and father) - and I talk to you 'collectively' as if you are one unit, because I feel you both colluded in your behaviour. 

You never told me the truth about things - you expected me to 'forget' and 'bury' any memories I had.  You expected me to play the dutiful and obedient daughter.  Meet your needs and deny my own.  That wasn't fair of you.  That wasn't right.

Did you know how 'alone' I felt at times in my childhood - to the extent that I ended up as a very young child having thread worms in my vagina - and feeling unable to tell you about them - because I didn't understand what they were or why I had them - but they were alive and wriggling, and made me feel uncomfortable, and yet I felt guilty if I killed any of them.  This whole memory makes me feel so ashamed. 

This whole memory has been intrusive sometimes, and has come back to me, and it mortifies me that I had to cope with that.  That it even happened.  I wish I could erase it. 

I can't feel comfortable in my choice of clothes - because I don't feel able to wear skirts and dresses, because you abused my space and my sexual confidence when I was a child, a teenager and a young woman in my 20's.   Here I am in my early 50's - and wish that someone had noticed and helped me to break away from you. 

I feel toxically shamed whilst writing this - it hangs heavy on me, but I want to begin to 'talk about' this and express it, and 'get it out of my system' and hopefully leave all that disgust and shame behind.  Because you know, I didn't do anything wrong - I trusted you - but I realise that you abused my trust, and you made me feel so alone and uncared for. 

I was scared of you - I felt stifled and controlled by you.  I felt like I was constantly 'walking on egg-shells' and trying to 'appease' you. 

Trying to do what I thought you wanted me to do, and be who I thought you wanted me to be.  But 'who was that'  I don't know.  The goal-posts changed, depending on your mood - how could I possibly keep up with that?  It was an impossible task.

Each time I made friends in school - you broke those friendships up, by moving me to a new school - many times - you isolated me in that way - so I couldn't ever get too close to anyone - so I couldn't feel brave to ask for help.  I never did, I kept things to myself, and pretended everything was fine.

I enjoyed writing my stories as a child, I think they were about Princes and Princesses and adventures like that, and my teachers praised me.  So did you (M), but D burned my stories, and said it was an accident - but I wish I could read those stories now, to see what themes I might have been communicating within them - maybe I was expressing the trauma I was experiencing and maybe that was too risky for you.  I don't know.  Maybe it was just an accident, but I felt violated - and upset, and it wasn't right.

I feel upset, I feel angry, I feel traumatised - I feel so many things. 

But I don't show those feelings - I live life and stay 'contained' and I don't think anyone knew - certainly noone came to rescue me, noone showed me compassion.  So I felt alone.

Neglected, and abandoned.  A sense of loss.

Interesting to reflect that as I write this, I have changed from feeling deeply affected - i.e. felt tearful, felt angry, but now I feel like I'm floating and dissociating from it.  But I am glad I have written it - made some kind of start, as I really want to communicate these things, and share them with this forum, because I really feel the forum is a safe place to contain and validate things.  So thank you, if you've read this far.

I don't think I can say more right now, but I feel ok for having written about this.

Hope 

I remembered one time when I went to see a Show and there was some incredibly powerful and beautiful music - I don't want to mention the name of the show, just that it was incredible - and I was suddenly unable to hold in my emotions - bearing in mind that I am normally very 'controlled' - I found that it opened up a flood of emotion - the tears started falling down my face, I felt like there was a pool and indeed a torrent of pent-up emotion that was being let out - I was unable to stop it.  I sobbed aloud, and was thankful that it wasn't as 'loud' as I feared it would have sounded - the music was loud at the Show, so noone noticed. 

I just wondered if that's happened to anyone else?  I found it very disturbing at the time, because I felt powerless to stop that emotion from coming out.

Maybe powerful and beautiful music can reach us at a deep level and trigger emotions deep inside - that is how it felt.

I wanted to share that and see if anyone can relate to that, and what your thoughts and feelings were about it.

Hope 

I have just read a book by Penny Parks called "Rescuing the Inner Child" in which she teaches about writing letters to the inner child or children and writing back to them as an adult - and I must admit to feeling a bit scared to 'start' this kind of process, but at the same time, I'd like to try it out and see how it goes.

I just wondered if any/many of you have tried it, and if you have any feedback about what the process was like for you?  Penny didn't mention using different writing hands to write the letters, but I have read somewhere else that people sometimes use the non-dominant hand to write the letter from the 'child' and the dominant writing hand for the letter from the 'adult' - so I wonder whether to try that, or to use my writing hand the whole time.  I guess I could try both ways.

Anyway, I'd value any comments from anyone who has tried this, or even if you haven't, what you think about it.

Just reading the book gave me a migraine - and I've had headache today, but thankfully it's finally gone now.  So I'm going to leave it a day or two before I try writing the letters - as I want to calm myself a bit first.

Hope 

I am just putting an idea together that I am planning on trying - and wanted to see if anyone has any comments/thoughts/suggestions/anything - please feel free to comment.

I have been reading various self-help books, and see that 'time lines' are mentioned, and I am thinking about ways to organise something that will work for me.  I considered a book with pages for different ages in my life, but somehow that feels too 'fixed' and I suspect it wouldn't work for me.

I have now decided that I'll get some large A4 envelopes, and put a time frame on each envelope:
Maybe 0.2 years; 2-5 years; 5-10 years; etc through to my adult years.

Then when I have a memory that I want to write about, I will do so on whatever piece of paper I have available, and I'll then place that piece of paper in the corresponding envelope.  This means I can literally work on the memories or thoughts/feelings relating to whatever comes to mind, and I can just put it away in the envelope. 

Then on occasions when I want to think about a time period, I can just open the envelope and look at the things I've put inside - and the fact they will be on separate pieces of paper means I can move them around, sort them, discard any that no longer feel relevant etc etc.

I hope to do drawings and write poems/stories sometimes too - to put in the envelopes - so there is a mixture of things there.

I want to make the process meaningful but also 'fun'.

As I'm writing this, I'm considering putting some kind of colour coding into the mix - in that 'positive memories' might be written on pink or lilac paper and more upsetting and anxiety provoking memories might be on a different colour - and that things that I consider to have a 'trigger' would perhaps be coded on the outside of the paper...  Am I making this too complicated - I don't know, just sharing a thought that came to mind.

I'll play around with it and see what works for me.

But I would value hearing anyone's thoughts about this - and if you've done anything similar, and what your experiences have been?

Hope 

I've been reading a book by Beverley Engel called "Healing Your Emotional Self" and as usual, I've 'rushed' through the book, and not bothered to do many of the exercises - infact none of them, and I'm realising a theme here - I feel I need to engage in more processing via exercises, but a large part of me is resisting that - but I still hunger to learn more and read more - so I do.

Anyway, I'm digressing a bit - when I came to Chapter 15 of this book, I found that Chapter to be really powerful - in that I related so much to it, and the title of that chapter is:

"If you Had a Self-Absorbed or Narcissistic Parent - Healing the "I Don't Matter" Mirror".

I want to quote some bits that resonated with me:

"Many narcissistic parents want to destroy their children.  They do not want them to exist.  In order to take care of a child, parents frequently must put their own needs aside.  Narcissistic parents resent having to do this, because they tend to be selfish and self-absorbed - only their needs count.  At the same time, narcissistic parents want their children to be at their beck and call and to take care of their needs.  While many narcissistic parents resent having to take care of their children, they grow to expect that their children will take care of them."

"As a child of a narcissist, your biggest challenge will be to free yourself from the grip of your parent's stranglehold on you.  Narcissistic parents do not want their children to have a separate self.  They want complete control over their children, to ensure they will be available to satisfy their needs.  If a child develops a separate life, she will not be as responsive to her parents' needs."

Another part I related to a lot was this statement:

"Children of narcissists are fearful of looking inside, of really getting to know their true selves, often because what they tend to find is a deep anger or rage toward their oppressive parent."

During the reading of this chapter, I experienced a flashback to a memory of when I was very little, and I remember having the feeling that I hated my M, and I even had a mental flashback that I'd wanted to strangle her - believe me when I say I've never hurt anyone in my life, not intentionally anyway, and I am a very gentle non-violent person, yet as a very young child I had felt hatred to my own M - yet I'd repressed that memory, and not allowed it to surface till I was reading this book - and it brought it back.

The book says:
"The truth is, you cannot have been raised by a narcissitic parent without experiencing tremendous rage towards him or her.  You must accept that anger is part of life and part of yourself."

I really liked the suggestions in the chapter, including the following titles of sections of that chapter:

Mourn the Loss of a Healthy Childhood
Separate Yourself from Your Parents' Values, False Beliefs and Negative Habits
Allow Yourself to Experience Life
Explore your Creativity
Join a Group
Focus on Establishing an Inner Life
Seek Outside Help

I got this book out of the library, and I photocopied that chapter, as it was so meaningful to me.  I wanted to share parts of it today - and hope I've put it in a place that fits, in terms of topic content.

Hope 

I am going to be brave today and talk about my sexual abuse that happened to me as a child.  It's a big thing to acknowledge that it 'was' sexual abuse, but I think and know that it was.  What concerns me is how I could go all those years and not acknowledge it properly.  But better now than never.

I feel the need to share the details, as part of my progress towards healing, because it's been featuring in my head for many years, and it's only recently that I've been able to really acknowledge that it IS abuse. 

***Trigger Warning***
When I was very little - possibly about 4 years old - but I really don't know how old I was, my Dad wanted to play a game with me, when noone else was in the house, and he wanted to place his big toe and foot in contact with my vagina - by sitting me on top of his foot and for him to stimulate me there.  I did sit on his foot for a moment, but I told him 'I don't want to play that game Daddy' and he stopped - he told me not to tell my Mum about it.  I never did tell her.

He had a book which was wrapped in brown paper and I think it contained explicit things about sexual stimulation and I think it talked about touching young children - but again, I wonder if my memory has played tricks on me, and that such information wouldn't be there - but I know there are such things as paedophile rings who shared information back in the 1960's and 1970's, so it's possible.

As a teenager he used to touch me inappropriately by grabbing my boobs or pinching my bottom, or putting his hand out when I was going to sit down, and grabbing at my bum.  He humiliated me when I was reading some teenage literature which had something sexual in it - in that he read it out and ridiculed it.  He wanted to buy my panties, and I wonder if that was him wanting to have control on such a personal item of clothing.

When I was about 12 or 13 years old he and my Mum had me sitting on a rock in a lake with no top on - and they were taking a photograph of me like that.  I had long hair, but I felt very uncomfortable - and some people came walking and saw what was happening and they made a fuss, but my Mum and Dad said it was none of their business what was happening there.  I can't be sure of my age, maybe I was younger.

I think my Mum must have been complicit in this, as she never stopped him from doing these things - and I never talked to her about it, as I somehow knew she wouldn't protect or believe me. 

I remember when I was little and one of my friends told me that she used to sleep with her knickers on in bed, and I thought - that's a great idea to wear knickers in bed - I wondered why I'd never thought of that.  So that makes me wonder if my Dad had touched me inappropriately in my bed when I was little, but I don't know as my memory won't let me be sure of things from when I was very little.

I still get triggered by people's feet being near me - because of how feet invaded my space - and I don't wear skirts of dresses very often - preferring to wear trousers and jeans.

When I was a young child, I used to say I had an 'aura' around me, which was a way of trying to get some interpersonal 'space' and keep people from invading it, and there was a period of time when I used to spend time in a long box - hiding away in the dark, so I know things weren't good in my little world - to make me resort to doing that.

I feel so sick when I think of the impact of this on my life, and how I've kept this in for so many years - but there were reasons for that - it's complicated.

But - I feel it's good that I am finally 'talking' about it - with someone - with you - anyone who is reading this.  My partner knows, some of my friends know, and I did talk to a therapist once - and she helped me to make the break to be estranged from them.  That was a big step and I'm glad I've done that.

This makes me tearful and upset, but I am glad I've finally written it down.

Thank you for listening.

Hope 

I am finding that I am making some progress in sticking with my feelings/thoughts/processes, but at the same time, I'm having some significant chunks of dissociation in the day - I drove today - and parked my car - came back to the car-park - couldn't find the car - when I did find it, I found it hard to 'recognise' my car - i.e. I noticed a sticker on the windscreen that I didn't recognise, and then I thought maybe that's not my car.  I had to look at it really hard, and for a few moments, it looked 'too old and dusty and mucky' to be mine - which made me realise that I've not been looking after it - I've allowed it to get dirty and dusty, and just not noticed that! 

Weird - my partner told me he understands that I'm going through more stress lately - and he recognises that I am not thinking clearly at such times, and he was supportive.  Phew!  I am so glad that he is understanding.

Anyway, it was my car, and I managed to drive it home safely. 

Just wanted to share that here.

Hope 

 I've not experienced this much, but there have been a few glimmers that I am beginning to notice and 'hear' my inner child, and I think this is due to my attempts to stay with feelings/thoughts etc and try to ensure I am more 'in the here and now' rather than dissociated/distracted or in another state. 

Today, I suddenly thought I'd like to buy a doll - they are an unusual doll with many colours in their hair and colourful clothes - not sure what kind they are, but I remember seeing them in a shop and thinking that it would have been great if they'd been around when I was a child - I really like them.

I've decided I'm going to buy one for myself! 

I feel like this is to satisfy my inner child - she seems happy at that thought - excited, and I want to give her a gift that she will enjoy.

This feels like progress to me.  I just wanted to celebrate it - not only am I listening to my inner child - who has expressed her sorrowful side to me and her lonely side in the past, but she is asking me for something colourful and bright and fun, and I want her to experience that. 

Hope 

I have just returned from a visit to my partner's relatives, and generally it's ok, but today whilst he went to the toilet, his relative asked me a personal question about my FOO - which would not have happened in his presence, and I was immediately triggered into a state of panic - I managed to stay calm (on the outside), but inside I was so upset and shaken - I desperately didn't want to answer the question, but felt I had to.

I've come home now and I told my partner how I felt a bit violated by the question - like the opportunity was taken whilst he wasn't about to protect me - and how I wish it hadn't happened.  I'm being vague about the details, and to most people the question would have seemed innocuous, but I find that visiting relatives of my partner, who don't understand my own personal past, means I am forever 'on guard' against their prying into my personal stuff, and it takes such a lot of energy to be 'ready' for a possible transgression.

I wish it could be easier and I didn't have to feel as if I'm treading on egg-shells in such situations, but I haven't talked much about my personal stuff - and am still working on things myself, without having questions from 'in-laws' - difficult.

I just wanted to let off steam here - and at least communicate somewhere about it.

I am going to try to re-stabilise my mood again, as I think I was doing really well this week - and feeling happier in myself generally - but today's situation has triggered me and I feel a bit shaken up by it.

Hope 

I noticed that today, there were 159 or so people in the forum, which is the most there have been ever, and I wondered why that would be - prior to today, I think there were 77 maximum in one day.  Early March, why would it be like that?  I'm not sure, it makes me feel a bit uneasy...  Which relates to my question in this post, of being scared of being 'out of control' - as this is a theme I've noticed throughout my life. 

It's not that I think I can actually control things - because I don't think I can.  But I am aware that I tend to stick to 'rules' or act in a way I think others will 'want me to behave' in - and that it's unsafe to go outside the expectations of others.

I can't 'let my hair down' for example at parties, and I avoid drinking too much alcohol, because I know that I can get very emotional and then I fear 'what might happen'. 

I remember when I was a child, I went to a friend's Birthday party, and I have recurring thoughts of the memory of a game they played where my friend and her Mum had set up a series of 'adventure' stations and each guest was asked to 'trust' the person and be blind-folded and then guided through the series of obstacles - and there were some surprises for them as the game went on.  I felt amazed that anyone would agree to participate and I remember feeling a sense of awe at how happily my friend and her Mum interacted - and I wish that I'd had that ability to feel 'free and carefree' with my own Mum.  But I couldn't, as I was always scared of doing the wrong thing when with her - and she wouldn't have liked a game like that.

As I write this, I realise I'm beginning to answer my own question - at least to some degree, it's probably to do with being repressed and held back from exploring anything for myself - being scared to set a foot wrong, in case of consequences. 

I also wonder if it is my sense of wanting to 'keep things together' that I am scared to approach any therapeutic kind of work - I want to try some stuff like automatic writing and making links between my feelings and thoughts - but I really fear the potential links I'm going to come up with.  But is it because I fear finding things out, or that I fear how I'll cope - I do dissociate from things, and that's a coping strategy.  But I need to get in touch with my feelings more, and uncover what's important and meaningful.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this and ask if anyone relates to this and what thoughts or conclusions you have come to - if any. 

Thanks for reading this.

Hope  :-)

It's the weekend, and I feel my anxiety levels rising - I'm due to go to a place I've avoided visiting for a few years now - where my FOO (family of origin) will be - and I want to see my friends who also live there, but I already feel intense fear at the potential of bumping into my FOO - I've talked with friends and also my partner, who all assure me that it's unlikely I'll bump into them - but of course my hypervigilance and paranoia is coming out a bit, and convincing me that it WILL happen.

Anyway, I just wanted to share it here - I'm feeling scared.

BUT - I ALSO feel that I'm doing really well to have even contemplated making this trip - I've been avoiding it because previously I've felt 'too scared' - and now I'm FACING it head on - I'm making the trip.  My partner is coming with me, and I am reminding myself that I'm an adult woman and that I can be brave.

It's scary though! 

I'm wondering if my tendency to read lots of self-help books this past week has been due to my wishing to stuff as many resources into myself as I can - and have an arsenal of ways to cope - but I recognise that just doing that isn't sufficient - I need to face things head on. 

I realise I'm waffling a bit here - I don't feel coherent as I write, but it's good to get it out.

If anyone has any thoughts or reflections on what I've written, please do share them.  I would value any suggestions in terms of how to ensure I am able to try to enjoy my trip and not just end up being hypervigilant and looking out for my FOO - I'd rather be able to relax and engage with my friends and enjoy being in the moment with them. 

Hope