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Topics - LaurelLeaves

#1
General Discussion / Primarily Fight Response Question
January 04, 2018, 06:41:04 PM
My question is to People Who Primarily Have the Fight Response

So, husband seems to be a person with mostly maladaptive fight response, with fawn as a second.  I know he was abused as a child, never had father, and rejected, guilt tripped, and used like a slave by his mother.

So it's not his fault that he is the way he is.  His focus is on his hurt.  Which I can understand.  Why wouldn't your focus be on your hurt?  Except he's hurting his own family, and he doesn't seem to recognize it.  He's essentially hurting me because his mother hurt him, but he doesn't realize it. 

So my question is to People Who Primarily Have the Fight Response:
When did you realize that you were hurting others, and that was not okay?

One such person said that reading Understanding Your Borderline Mother helped him understand himself.
So I wonder if buying him book would help.  But it's iffy if he would read it. 

Seriously... after 24 year of marriage, I wonder if throwing up my hands, yelling THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS, and leaving would be a better solution.  But I actually LIKE him.  And care about him getting better for his sake... no one should be in that much pain.
#2
General Discussion / Interest article about CRM
August 06, 2017, 11:29:57 PM
I'm not sure if anyone has posted about Comprehensive Resource Model (CRM) therapy.   But I found this article interesting: http://www.newsweek.com/2017/03/31/trauma-ptsd-therapy-comprehensive-resource-model-treats-untreatable-572367.html
#3
I stumbled across this page: https://www.eti.training/single-post/2015/03/15/The-Egg-and-the-Chicken-Trauma-Sensory-Integration

It say that Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) and trauma are linked.  It says they don't know if having SPD made them prone to having trauma, or having trauma cause them to have SPD.  But I totally agree with this article that this has not received enough attention!

I know in my life I think the trauma caused it.  Trauma caused me to avoid sensory stimulation at a young age... and not having anything to process made me bad at it.... at least that what I figure.   

People often associate SPD with Aspergers, and can misdiagose it with ADHD or ADD.  And I've wondered about those things too in the past.    But I feel now that I just have trauma-caused SPD.   

#4
It would make more sense. 

I've read were a therapist didn't take C-PTSD seriously because they thought that all PTSD was complex.  But that's not what it means.



#5
I was thinking about a panic attack I had recently, and I realized it had two components.  The first was a EF that sent quite suddenly into a deep depression that was situational and resolved when I left the building.  And the panic attack was at the end when I saw someone who had triggered me before and I thought I couldn't avoid them.

I realized that the EF was really the thing that didn't understand.  I could find no trigger for it.   Then I realized that I had been uncomfortable before the EF... but I was the kind of uncomfortable-ness I was used to.  It was just life.  I had to put up with it many times in my life.  So it wasn't the kinda thing I would think of as trigger.   

And I thought.... maybe this means that I've let my guard down enough to actually feel.   
Does this happen?

#6
I remember when I was a little kid with my babysitter, and I was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  I was telling her that if you hold the sandwich in particular way it tastes like it has more jelly.    Her response was that if I wanted more jelly, I could just ask.
Her response floored me!  I didn't even know that I wanted more jelly, let alone that I could ask for something that I wanted.  I just thought that life provided me with things, and I had to live with it even if I didn't like it.  And because that was the way it was, there was no point in even thinking about what I wanted.

Unfortunately, I stayed the same boundaryless person after the peanut and jelly incident, but it did plant a seed in my mind.

Before I came to this site, I thought that boundaries were simple mundane things, like keeping your feet off the table.  But it's really about knowing what you want, and being able to ask for it.   IF YOU CAN'T ASK FOR IT, HOW WOULD THEY KNOW? 

I learned another thing too:  If you ask for something, and the other person goes flying off the handle, and uses misdirection by accusing you of all you did wrong... instead of just simply contemplating providing what you want... THEY HAVE THE PROBLEM, NOT YOU.

The problem I currently have is asking my partner things, and not getting a response.  He recently admitted to feeling pressured to give me a response.  However, I feel pressured to live with the uncertainty of not knowing the answer till the last second, leaving me unable to plan.   I just recently understood how it makes me feel pressured.   Currently working up the courage to tell him that.
#7
I know that any critical thing said to narc will make him wig out.
But I really want to give CONSTRUCTIVE criticism to him, so I want to phase in a VERY SOFT way.
Is this possible?  I have to try.

This man is hurt, and his hurt was caused by being embarrassed by my behavior. 
Basically what I did was run out of a church at the end of service... basically a panic attack.

But I know that if your embarrassed by SOMEONE ELSES behavior, you consider the person to be an extension of yourself... not a person in their own right.  If he could see me as a person in my own right he would not be so embarrassed.

Also being embarrassed means you're afraid of being JUDGED.  This fear seems to permeate every aspect of his life.

Perhaps someone would has narc-like tendencies would be able to phrase this to another narc.

#8
General Discussion / Gender Roles - childhood abuse?
March 16, 2017, 04:53:23 PM
I'm the type who likes to throw things out there, and see what others think.  I tend to say things as if I'm right, but really, I'm asking you if it sounds right.  So here goes:

I really think that ALL gender roles & rules are child abuse.  We learn them when we are children, and we grow up to have shame about them that sticks with us all our lives.  Even when we know where it comes from, we can't shake it.  Sure, we can be proud of the things that we're good at, but that doesn't make for the shame.  In some instances, debilitating shame.  In some instances, shame that turns itself around and harms others.   And it harms both genders in term of physical health and relationships.   It is societal abuse... it is oppression.
#9
General Discussion / Pushing my comfort zone
March 09, 2017, 07:05:55 AM
Hi.
I'm not much of a talker.  In fact I rarely talk.  I've said more words online than in real life.  That makes it hard to make friends.

But I thought I'd made progress in becoming friends with this couple who runs the ceramic shop around here.  One is the owner and one is the manager.   I'm more friends with the manager.  Anyhoo... they asked me if I could teach a small class on how to do one of my pots.  Talk about pushing my comfort zone!  Teaching a class?  Talking to a group of PEOPLE?  :blink: Sheesh.  But I've been practicing every day for a week now... and the class is this Saturday.  I have some Xanax pills I use for emergencies, and I think this is one of them.

There is this twist in the story.  When I said I'd do the class, I though everything was fine.  But now I know the couple is having marital troubles.  The manager is talking divorce.  I said I was gonna stay out of it, and be friends with both of them.  Now the manager is not coming to work anymore... I haven't seen him in a month.  I haven't talked to the owner about their troubles, and the last time I saw him I had the sense that he didn't know that the manager told me about them.  But from something I said, I think he knows now. 

It just make relations with the owner a tad bit tense. 

And I miss my good friend... the manager.  I see him on FB, but he is too involved with his own troubles to talk.   I miss him sooo much.   (I have a harmless crush on him; harmless because I know I won't doing anything, just dream  ;D)

Thanks for listening.  I don't have anyone else to tell.  And usually I keep everything to myself, but I'm thinking that's not good.



#10
General Discussion / childhood trauma and extroverts?
January 25, 2017, 04:49:08 AM
I am an introvert.  And I guess I always assumed that childhood trauma would turn you into a introvert.  But the world is not black and white, and my assumption is probably wrong.

So I want all the extroverts out there to tell me that I'm wrong. 

I just wonder what it would be like to be an extrovert.... wanting to be around people all the time... when you can't even trust people because you have C-PTSD.
#11
Ever get tired of this?  I do all the time.  I try to talk about my feelings, and I get this push-back saying "my minority is more disrespected than yours".  Like, I wasn't comparing our problems, dude, I was just trying to talk about my feelings.
#12
General Discussion / Discrimination LGBT
December 12, 2016, 09:52:22 PM
Not directly related to C-PTSD, but still something that I have to put up with..

I was on a plane recently.  A flight attendant didn't want to serve me my drink and cookie.   Out of the whole plane, he planned to "overlook" me.  I can only surmise that he did so because in his eyes I was non-gender conforming.  My hair was off... it's was early... so I suppose I looked more non-gender conforming than usual.  So... I know he probably hates himself, and took it out on me.  But that doesn't make me feel better.  He was just making an example of me, out of the whole plane, that I was not person, and therefore didn't need a cookie.  It's sticks with you... your anger at being treated as not a person.
#13
Other / OCD - honesty
December 09, 2016, 07:26:36 PM
I didn't know much about OCD.  Now that I've read about it I realize I had pure OCD with regards to lying.  It makes me feel better to understand this feeling clinically.  Although it doesn't make it go away.

I once had a dream that told me it was ok to lie in some situations.  And I mostly keep quiet instead of telling the whole truth.   Which may make me seem normal... except I know the truth.  Outright lying gives me such anxiety... even a little white lie. 

Truth is, I don't want to be cured.     
#14
Family / I'm a very cold person.
November 23, 2016, 01:52:18 PM
The day I hear that my mother is dead, I know that I will feel nothing.
The day I hear that my father is dead, I will feel only relief.
This, despite the fact that they really didn't do anything to traumatize me.
They are deep down good people with just a few faults, like everyone.

This makes me a very cold person.
What this really makes me a person with a without a mother and father... just these two people with whom I have to be cordially friendly towards, because they provided for me when I was too young to provide for myself. 
I didn't bond with them. 

I write this because I'm going back next week to visit them because mother's in rehab for COPD.
I write this because my husbands Uncle just died, who was like a real father to him, and he's pretty shook up by it...
and I can't relate.
#15
(Where to begin...
and how much to say...  that's always a problem with me.)

I suppose I set a boundary, but I don't know how it will turn out.  I told my husband that it stresses me out to be in the closet at our very affirming church.  I want to be out, or not go at all.  Ordinarily I wouldn't tell him, and I don't know how he will react to it... I told him in an email.  He wants me to be in the closet because, according to him, he could be fired if I come out.

I suppose it is progress that I'm setting boundaries...
But I'm scared.

Simply saying, "But I'm scared", is progress for me.  :blink:
#16
General Discussion / Getting started on things is hard.
October 03, 2016, 09:33:26 PM
I have a hard time getting started on things that I want to do.  It's like procrastination only worse.  I've tried to combat this by setting up a schedule for my day.   And that helps, but it's like pulling teeth. 

I've tried to understand what I'm scared of.  At first I thought It was failure. Then I thought it was "time" itself.  I dunno.  It's like I don't want to do anything, but not doing anything won't make me happy, so I got to do something, but feeling that I've got to do something only aggravates my fear. 

Do you have this problem?  Have you found anything that helps?
#17
General Discussion / Understanding triggers
August 29, 2016, 05:10:26 PM
I find It is hard to understand triggers.    I have a default non-emotional response to everything.    Like, if it would cause an emotion, I go "dead" inside.    To me my whole life is a trigger, and I want to stay in my dissociated fantasy realm forever.   

I have just begun to Feel it when people say the wrong words to me.  It's feels like a jabbing sensation. 

I don't know how my young 5 year old self felt when the main abuse occurred.  I know what it was, but I can only Think about it now...not Feel.   
I want to feel. 
#18
Your inner child is actually alive inside of you.  You think they are past memories, and how you feel now are the only feelings that matter.  But the way you felt as a child is still recorded in your brain.  You just can't access it normally... it's as if it was put in a file cabinet that is now locked.

Having a major stroke is not a good way to access these "files"!  :stars:   But I did once a long time ago.  And I realized something about recovery from a stroke.  It seems like you loose a lot of memories when you have a stroke, but actually your memories are all still in your brain... it's as if ALL the memories are locked up.  And you have to remember them one by one.   And the interesting part is that you remember them in the same order you learned them.  And not only that, but you FEEL the same way as you did when you were younger, even though you know that you're older.

I actually felt the same way as I did when I was 4 yrs old, even though I knew I was in my 30's.  For me, it was a good experience, because it was before the trauma took it's toll.   I KNEW WHO I WAS, before I became invalidated.  Of course the feeling didn't stay... I remembered more, and the old feeling came back.  But it was an glorious experience.

I wish we could all access these memories of feeling like a complete person, before whatever trauma was done to us.
I know that they're in there.

#19
When I was young I was pretty good at Lucid Dreaming, which is becoming aware that you're dreaming and affecting the dreams.  If you're having nightmares a lot, you can diffuse them by become lucid.   Or if you really want something to happen in your life that is not happening, you can dream about it by becoming lucid.

I've also read that talk therapy for C-ptsd can only go so far, because it's imbedded in our non-talking brains, so recently I've been trying to access more primitive areas with dreams.   I am trying to "seed" my dreams with a thought, but not trying to be lucid.  I have been thinking about my childhood before I sleep, so I will have dreams related to my childhood. 

You also have to understand that dreams are highly symbolic.  For example, when I'm trying to dream about my childhood, I'll have a dream about driving a truck where I can't see out the window and the brakes don't work.  I don't actually dream that I was a child, but I dream about how I felt.  It helps if you have a dream dictionary.  I like http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/ . :zzz:
#20
Emotional Abuse / Such a big topic nowadays, that...
August 17, 2016, 06:11:07 PM
It's such a big topic nowadays, that I'm surprised it is never mentioned as an example of emotional abuse.   But I suppose society still has to come a long way until they understand that it is abuse. 

So I just going to say it.  This is why I have C-PTSD:  I am transgender.  And in 1970, that meant I wasn't allowed to exist.  So I emotionally died, leaving just a shell to carry on.