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I am fair-skinned.  As a child, I sunburned badly every summer, but only during the two-weeks of * that were my court-ordered visitation with my father and his wife. This was because at my usual home--on a small farm, outdoors all the time!--I could wear long sleeves/pants or seek shelter in the shade or a building when it was hot, as dictated by common sense.  I never burned.  However, in Dad's suburban squalor, I was ordered/shamed into wearing swim suits and shorts outside all day every day with none or inadequate sun protection, and I burned to a crisp every. *. Year.  As in, solid sheets of blisters covering my torso and head.  One particular day they had me remove my one-piece swimsuit to photograph the "hilarious" white pattern of unburned skin on my back.  They were laughing because my burned skin was almost purple.   My stepmother and her son were pale redheads, and I have memories of watching her slathering herself with sunscreen, and neither of them ever burned.  But I always did, and she always had two big bags of ice at the ready for me in the evenings.  She'd  dump them into a shallow bath and make me fully submerge my body until they melted. It took me until my forties to fully appreciate how hellish, and risky, it probably was ( I don't remember what it felt like, only that I dreaded it). Was  this just a normal, albeit ignorant,  "medical" treatment back then?   She pulled a lot of other abusive crap regularly, so that is not at question.  Just this one particular ritual she had with me.  I'm not sure how long it went on, but probably from the age of 5 or so (possibly earlier as she married my dad when I was 2), until 10 or so probably.  I'm not sure why she stopped.  Thanks.

I've been reading Walker and becoming more aware.  However the problem I keep having is I can't tell if am I in an emotional flashback, or if I am experiencing genuine contempt from someone who's gaslighting me.  Does anyone else have this problem or know how to tell? 

Just spent the last hour or so being invalidated by my significant other.  Guess it's driving me to try here again, so I can see that that's good.  I have no support system otherwise and I'm really struggling.  So I'm  just going to set this marker as a starting point and try to leave it here.  If I can succeed at just that, it will be a big win for me. 

This swamp of self-loathing is so suffocating.  And silencing.  Thank you all for being here.