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Hi everyone.

I passed my driving test last year, in September after spending many years learning and then giving up again - over and over again.  Since then, somehow, I actually got confident and really loved driving - it was great...

Then the last week or so, it's vanished!! Gone! I now feel like I've gone right back to the very beginning again. Suddenly I feel like I can't concentrate at all, I feel like I am stupid and like I am a bag of nerves.

Yesterday I got in the car and within minutes I had to pull over where I burst into tears. My OH told me that I was doing absolutely fine but that I was rushing a little - I just kept saying over and over again "why has this happened??"

It seems to have come at a time where my mind is very consumed with therapy thoughts and I've been feeling rather sad - maybe there is a link.

Could this be an inner critic thing or what? Whatever it is, I HATE it.

Bit scary, but I've decided to write a blog about my experience with therapy. It is pretty much diary entries so I'm not giving advice, but if anyone fancies a look I would be delighted!!

unpackingthesuitcaseblog.wordpress.com

Thanks in advance everyone!! xx

I've tried to google this in case I'm alone here, but I can't find anything.

Did anyone that was hit as a child say "that didn't hurt" even when it really did?

I just remembered that my mum would hit me and I would say that, when I did she would hit harder and sometimes I would say this 2/3 times until the pain really was unbearable - I've just questioned is this really awful and abusive or am I being silly??

Hi all,

My therapist leant me this book yesterday and I have to say, already it is wonderful.  For anyone in psychotherapy, dealing with issues or resistance to attachment towards their therapist, for issues with transference and everything else - this book is amazing.   

Have any of you asked for or been given something from your therapist that you use as a "transitional object"?

It's me again! Sorry everyone I know I'm posting a lot this week. I guess I need more support than usual from people who understand.

I had therapy last night. I couldn't cry (as usual). I wanted to, I could feel it in the back of my eyes - I could feel the sadness in my body and several times the wave would hit and somehow automatically it was gone again.

T asked me what I am afraid of - she asked am I worried she will tell me off or shout, be angry etc - I said no. I told her I want to come and cry it out because I know it will help, but I get there and it just goes away.

I thought about this last night and all I can come up with is that when I was younger, my mum wouldn't deal with me crying. Cliche' as it is, she would say that she would "give me something to cry about". Or send me to my room. But the most relevant, she would NEVER hug me, ever and when I was crying that was what I used to want the most.

Obviously in therapy, t doesn't either and so I do wonder if that's some of my reluctanc? She said it's healing to have someon "sit with you" through the pain and I "get it" intellectually anyway...

Does anyone else have this problem?

I sent my therapist my post "I hate it" (under Having a Bad Day) yesterday.  After writing it, I ended up crying my eyeballs  out in the loo at work.  I then had to hide in there for ages to try and de-redden my face which is pretty much impossible because it stays red and blotchy for ages after I cry. 

Anyway, at the time of sending it, I felt desperate, needy, vulnerable, weak and extremely sad.  However, I did say in the email that I didn't need/want a reply and I didn't even want to be made to feel better. Just wanted to say it out loud (well, write it) because otherwise I will "put it away" which I always tend to do.  I tend to bring my adult self to therapy and am very rarely vulnerable or emotional there.

She did reply, when I was in bed late last night and said she was hearing my sadness etc and that we would talk about it on Tuesday (tonight is therapy night) - now I just feel embarrassed and stupid for sending it because I'm not right there "in it" anymore... I hate that feeling.

1st entry.  16 Jan 2017.

I have a weird feeling inside today. I can't name the feeling and I think I would struggle to describe it. I feel part sad, part confused and partly just too busy with thoughts yet I can't seem to really describe anything, it is odd.

I am disappointed in myself because I ended up drinking when I went to the meal Saturday night when I didn't plan to.  I've felt bad about it since and feel weak for giving in when I had planned to stay strong. I feel embarrassed at myself for the fact that I knew she would approve of me having a drink which is clearly why I did it – although I didn't consciously think that at the time.. well not entirely anyway. It's that bloody power and control over me thing again and I HATE IT.

I feel like a weak little puppet who should know better. Why can I feel so strong and empowered some days and so weak and vulnerable others?

Then I feel bad when I write stuff like that because I am meant to be working on being nice to myself and not letting the inner critic take over etc – so many things all conflicting and they are all hard work.

I feel like if I sat alone with my thoughts for more than a few seconds, I could cry but I am at work and keeping busy to get through the day. I don't like this feeling.

Last night [other half] had to phone his ex-wife and he went upstairs because my sister was round. I got instantly angry and felt miserable and insecure and stayed feeling that way for about an hour or so until I decided to write out my thoughts and what was going on inside. I realised that it was jealousy and insecurity (obviously) but I also worked out that its because I am constantly hypervilgent for real or imagined (in this case) threats  - clearly it triggered me to imagine I would end up abandoned. All because he spoke to his ex-wife on the phone – and then I berate myself for it... so I realised and managed to pull it back by being kind to my "inner child" rather than nasty and tell myself all these feelings I have to deal with are because of things that happened to me, because of her and that I wasn't born feeling these things – they aren't my fault. I am not to blame.  Luckily, I did manage to climb out of it. Today though, I feel stupid for it (which I'm not meant to feel so then I feel double bad!).

Since Thursday, my moods have fluctuated so much. Thursday afternoon after and evening counselling I cried on and off, I felt sad.  Friday I took holiday from work to be home on my own – that is what I needed. I cried a few times but nothing as bad as other times.  I was craving something – I needed to be surrounded by my "things" my comforts.  I got into my onesie, I got a hot water bottle, my teddy, my magazine and my kindle. I slept a lot, I had a long, hot, bubble bath and I just hid away. I felt like I needed "nurturing" if that makes sense. I actually had a dream over the weekend that I was asleep and [other half's] mum was stroking my cheek as I was sleeping – a bit embarrassing but I guess that is exactly what that was about too.

Then I saw her (mother) Saturday night – I start doubting whether it's all real and true again – which really is annoying because I felt so great the other day.

Then I wake up today, back to sadness and this horrible cloudy feeling of whatever it is.... Why are things so hard? Why does any of this even have to be.. to exist.. why is it there in the first place aghgghghghghhg. 

I am just wondering, does anyone here that suffers from CPTSD drink because of it or because of situations you find too hard without it?

I am not an alcoholic by any means, but I wasn't meant to be drinking in January and because of having to have a meal with the family (including my npd mother) I ended up drinking. I felt ashamed of myself when I woke up yesterday and have since questioned why I feel the need to drink around her?

In my opinion she does have a drink problem - she gets very drunk every weekend and stays up all night (literally) with friends and her husband etc but that's another story. I am now questioning do I drink around her because I can't relate to her without drink? Because it makes me less nervous, what?

Hi guys,

So last night, my other half had to speak to his ex-wife on the phone about some child-care arrangements. He went upstairs and spoke to her with the door shut. I was downstairs with my sister.  Now, rationally I appreciate and understand this is a very normal and reasonable thing to happen - them to speak and co-parent, and him to want privacy to make the call. However what happened was that I become very moody and irritable. I could feel the anger in my body. I didn't like it and I was angry with him (even though he had done nothing wrong).

I am reading Pete Walker's book at the moment on CPTSD recovery and saw this:

"The hypervigilance of Complex PTSD is an overaroused sympathetic nervous system fixation on endangerment that comes from long-term childhood exposure to real danger. In an effort to recognize, predict and avoid danger, hypervigilance develops in a traumatized child as an incessant, on-guard scanning of both the real environment and, most especially, the imagined upcoming environment. Hypervigilance typically devolves into intense performance anxiety on every level of self-expression, and perfectionism festers into a virulent inner voice that manifests as self-hate, self-disgust and self-abandonment at every turn".

I am just trying to understand what happens internally... I recognise it as jealousy and insecurity. I also recognise that I know intellectually it is silly of me - but I just want to really understand what happens to me when this happens.

Is it that I am being hypervigilant and scanning for potential danger - in my eyes: they are talking, they will get back together and I will be abandoned?

Sorry if this seems really clear and obvious to anyone else here - I do seem to struggle to relate these things to myself!

Thank you

Hi all,  I hope you are all having a good day.

Last night in therapy, we discussed a horrible dream I had last week (posted on OOTS) – my therapist said that she thought the dream represented me fragmenting part of myself as a child when I realised a part of me had to "die off" in order for me to be safe. She felt that the huge loss and sadness I felt in the dream was about the emotional loss of my mother who was emotionally unavailable to me growing up.  I hadn't really thought of the dream that way, but it did make sense.  The rest of the session we spoke about numerous memories/stories that came up – one being that my mum tried to give me away when I was born (whilst in hospital) because I wouldn't stop crying – I thought I had told her this before but apparently I hadn't and she looked shocked.  We spoke about things like that I have never felt truly loved by my mum (or my dad but that's another subject) and that I don't have an emotional connection with her.  I said how I always wished I could go to my mum and be cuddled or made to feel better like I see in films or read in books.. my therapist said that when you are neglected as a child, you are not taught to self-soothe and aren't soothed by mum either which leads to a lot of my issues as an adult I guess.. maybe some can relate?

Anyway, sorry, getting to the point – I wrote this note this morning:

I have a weird feeling today following counselling last night. I read a few articles last night when I went to bed about childhood emotional neglect and although I knew everything I read previously, it felt like something made more sense or like a light bulb went off.
I almost feel like it's just suddenly become clear that emotional neglect during childhood IS "abuse" and it did cause a lot of my problems and sadness that she did neglect me growing up and that it's had its effects on me.
I said last night that I've never felt she absolutely loved me or cherished me ever as a child - that's a very real and raw feeling. I've never said that out loud before.
It was almost like it hadn't really sank in or I was waiting to realise what the "real" trauma/problem was - like that wasn't enough. I thought nothing was that bad really. But today I don't feel like that.
I feel a strange mixture of sadness and relief.

I just wondered whether this resonated with anyone else? I have been in therapy for 2 years and 3 months so I am surprised that I am only just really feeling this – intellectually I knew it all long ago, of course, but today it suddenly feels real?

Any comments appreciated, thanks!

Last night I had a really weird and disturbing dream. Ita quite long so I'll summarise -

Some men took me away and killed me. My physical body was there but I was dead.

I had a few hours of my physical body before it too died.

I cried and sobbed that I would have to leave my partner -  I love him so much and couldn't bare the thought that life was over for me and that he would move on and forget me.

I found a policeman - told him who killed me and asked him to get justice for me.

Somehow I found myself in a boot of a car and then on a street (where I was killed) my remains were on the floor - 2 fried eggs as eyes and something else for a nose - it made me sick but the sick stuck in my throat and I had to pull it out - it was like dry porridge oats.

I know it's so stupid but I feel so weird about it today!!!

Hi everyone, Happy New Year to you all.

I think I have clearly marked this post above but this post will no doubt have triggers for some of you regarding abuse or sex so please stop reading if you need to!!

This is my question...

Last night, me and my other half were in bed and he started to touch my body - he sort of tickles me all over gently and it's lovely. However I started to become aware that I was thinking about the most random things - like the day and jobs and work and money and all various things - certainly not what I should be thinking about as my parter is trying to be intimate with me.  During the actual sex (this sounds awful) but I was kinda just waiting for it be over and when it was, I was relieved. Don't get me wrong, I love my partner very much so it's not that... and we hadn't had sex for about two weeks which at our age, is a long time but I didn't feel remotely like it the last few weeks, plus I had a bad cold and then my period started so I couldn't really anyway.... I struggled emotionally a lot over Xmas with crying and feeling miserable so perhaps there's a link.

I don't know if my mind drifting off like this IS dissociative or whether maybe I was just tired or something but I know it's happened to me a lot before and as weird as it sounds, I've only just realised it may be that I dissociate....

Not sure what I am asking really... anyone else know what I mean? 

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to know if anyone else has become angry at their therapist?

I have been seeing mine for over 2 years now and have recently upped my sessions from once a week to twice a week.  On my last session I felt very irritated because I felt that SHE was angry/frustrated and then felt like she was angry at me for not feeling how I should be... later on in the session I felt like she almost wanted to shake me and make me feel the way she is saying I should about recovery from a mother with NPD... when it isn't that easy.... it is very hard to explain but I emailed her the next day I vented my anger, I told her I wondered whether she has actually been in my shoes because it isn't as easy as she makes out and I told her that I feel I can't do anything right or please anyone (meaning NPD mum or her) ... she replied to say we would discuss this when we were together next (which is tonight) and now I am really nervous and dreading the conversation!! Is it transference or what? any advice appreciated. x

I read a quote this morning, it said "Narcissist spelt backwards is *... well, if they can make things up, then so can we!" and I laughed, a lot.  I am angry at the moment and feeling a lot of things that I haven't previously felt.

It has taken me 2 whole years to write this letter.  I never imagined being able to or even wanting to say these things to you – not consciously anyway, but now I am ready and I am no longer holding back on anything. I never plan to send it, but I really want to get it down on paper.

Growing up you always made it crystal clear that I was a chore to you. I was an annoyance. I was in the way and a nuisance.  You never hid that from me, I imagine you never tried.  From a very young age you would tell me that as soon as I hit 16 I had to move out. I used to panic and wonder what I would do at such a young age, what if I didn't have a well-paid job or anywhere to go? You didn't care you said. You told me that at 16, you moved out and so would I.  Basically you told me that as soon as legally possible, I was gone – you would be free of the chore that was raising your child.  When you were around children you would say "eugh" or "yuck!" and have a look of pure disgust on your face. I didn't really understand it then, but now I realise it was comments like that which made me feel so annoying to you and so unimportant and so wrong. 

You said to me several years ago that when I "met the right man" I would be "taken off your hands" and that you wouldn't have to "worry about" me anymore.  At the time I couldn't imagine ever not needing you or your opinions or advice and thought to myself that no man could ever stop me from needing you – but you were right.  The right man did come along and he has taken me off your hands.  The problem is, now you finally have exactly what you wanted, you don't want it anymore do you?  You hate that I have my own life with P now, you hate that I rarely speak to you or see you and you blame that entirely on him, or on me being "a robot" to him as you say. Because it couldn't possibly be your fault, could it? You said to K on Saturday night, in front of me, that you never hear from me and that I make no effort to see or speak to you. You said it very angrily and you said it to K, but aimed at me – as a guilt trip I guess? That wound me up. But on the plus side, you seem to have helpfully got me in touch with some of my anger towards you which I haven't been able to do very well until now, so thanks for that.

I am going to write now what I am actually thinking about you today/yesterday which I feel is not what I SHOULD be thinking about my own mother – but it is what I am thinking nonetheless, so I am going to say it and I am not going to feel ashamed for these thoughts because they are real and they are mine and you can't control that.

I look at you and I see nothing. I feel nothing. I don't feel any connection, any maternal love, any warmth.  I don't feel like you're my parent. I don't feel comforted by you if I am sad.  I don't feel supported by you if I am dealing with something challenging and I don't feel any real love for who I am as a person at all.  When I look at you, I see a fakeness and a need to please – I guess I got that from you to a degree. You have to be the life and soul of the party, you have to have everyone think you are the most fun person there.  You have to be the one wearing the best clothes and the one to spend the most money or buy the most expensive/best presents. It is clearly a need for approval – I see that now but I can't take away the fact that it annoys the * out of me.  Maybe you could try putting some of that effort into being a mother.. or maybe it's too late for that. Who knows.

I see how two-faced you are regularly and I always have, but this weekend drummed it home more than before. You've done nothing but slag K off recently and yet you begged her to come on Saturday and you screamed with joy when she turned up and again when she said she would stay later and get a taxi home.  You then had the cheek to effectively slag me off to her, but in front of me – make up your mind, exactly who is the baddy, me or her? Both of us? I dread to think how much you slag me off and I dread to think what your friends and the rest of the family think of me because of the things you've said.

You boss and order P around like he is your toy. It is cringe worthy. I think, you are either so entitled in the belief that he SHOULD be running around after you like a slave, or that you do it to show off to people quite how much control you have over him or in your eyes, how much he loves you. Again it is embarrassing and nobody thinks it's something to admire. Even if they do laugh along with you – its because they can't quite believe it. P in turn is turning into someone I don't like much. I have lost a huge amount of respect for him – he is trying to use me as his scapegoat now that you have pissed him off by ordering him around and making him feel totally demeaned and worthless, like you do to everyone you have "loved".  That is not on.  Problem is, he is weak. Just how you like people. Weak means people don't confront you or stand up to you in any way.  Weak is how you like people – although obviously you say that you hate it and refer to people you perceive as weak as "muppets" and "idiots" and "pathetic". 

You tell me and anyone else that will listen that P is your "whole world" and that you have never been happier, that you love him more than you ever thought possible and how happy he makes you.  You tell me that you might have enjoyed having me much more if you had someone like Pete to share it with.  Someone therefore, unlike my Dad who you say was hopeless, selfish and arrogant.  Funny then that you can't bear to be alone with him and so you fill every spare moment surrounding yourself with large groups of people, drinking all night and even taking holidays with other couples.  God forbid you should spend some time together alone. You told me recently when you were drunk that he is "boring" but that you do love the fact that you can tell him to go and talk to certain people and he will "trot off and do it".  That isn't love.  You think that love is what you can get from someone, what they can do for you.  That is why you "love" certain people like Janie and Harriett so much because they all make you feel truly admired and special.  It isn't for who they are as people but how they make you feel about yourself.

I dread your birthday, I dread Christmas and I dread Mother's Day. Why? Because I dread having to make a fuss of you. I hate it.  I dread spending my time and effort trying to find something to please you – because that an impossible task (although I do understand I would get major brownie points for the cost of the present).  I dread buying you a card with loving words of affection for "mum" because they are not true and I feel like a fraud buying you one.  Also, I feel a sadness that I try to deny because I am sad that you will never be what I want you to be and I hate that you have that effect on me. My friend the other day brought her and her mum tickets to a show and I thought to myself how nice that must be – but I wouldn't want that with you. The fantasy doesn't have you in it now.

I used to want you to hug me. I used to want you to be able to properly give me a hug. A hug when I was crying or a hug when you saw me after a period of time.. a hug well done, I don't know. Just a hug. Some affection, but now the thought makes me feel quite sick. I know that sounds harsh, but it is the truth (today at least). I do not want a hug today. It would be like hugging a lamp post – cold, detached and pointless. It would not have a positive effect on me in anyway.

I used to (even recently) think that deep down you are loving, kind, soft, caring and warm and I used to try very hard to pick away at the hard exterior to get to that bit, but it never worked.  I guess I still believe somewhere that you are because I find it hard to believe that anyone can be inheritably bad. I sometimes try and figure out why you are the way you are, I think about things that happened in your life that I know of – like your Dad and believe a lot of it stems from him – particularly because of your need to be in a relationship and because of your choice of men. I told you this the other week, again, when you were drunk and you told me that you don't believe in "all that" and that you make your own life and that not many people have the "perfect family" that I want and that you can't forever blame things on your family or your upbringing. Defensive much?

You told me once that when you were staying with your Dad, that your stepmum and her kids were horrible to you and I feel sad for you imagining that.... But then I get angry because I think of how many times you put me in the same situation with your horrible choice of men and their kids and how you didn't protect me from them.  How you put them first, always.  You didn't learn from it, you just copied it. Not only that, you left me vulnerable and open to worse things because you were the only one who mattered, you didn't see it because you didn't ever and still don't see me. You just see yourself.

I hate you right now for the things that you did to me that have had such an effect on who I am as a person, on how I view the world, how I view myself and all the struggles I've had until now because of you. I hate that I don't trust anyone to stay. I hate that I push people away when I need them the most. I hate that I have such a hard time allowing myself to really feel things and then when I do, that it scares me and hurts me so much.  I hate all of the things I've missed out on because of you and I hate most of all, that I have to fight the guilt I have in feeling these things.  I hate even using the word "mum" to you because it doesn't feel right, calling you by your name would feel much more normal.  I hate having to say that I love you back if you ever say it, which is usually said more of a "love ya" in a text, because I don't mean it at the moment and it feels wrong. I don't think you mean it either.

I blame you for the fact that I don't have any proper relationship with my Dad. Because I am sure you hate him so much for moving on with his life and not still being in love with you. I think you hate S because she got what you wanted when you met him, the lovely, normal, stable, family life. Thing is, again, when you got it – you didn't want it anymore.  So you immensely dislike them both for no good reason other than what I can only think is your own jealousy and bitterness.  It is just a shame that in your own jealousy, you didn't think about me.  Again, I was just a pawn to hurt him wasn't I.  You did a good job because here I am now at 28 years old and I don't have a very good connection with him either. 

Because of you, I sometimes feel an intense loneliness deep in my heart. I am not alone now as an adult, I have P and the children but it doesn't totally remove that feeling at times when the pain comes back, as it does in waves. Sometimes I still feel like a lost little girl with no mummy or daddy and I guess that is because it isn't really a feeling, but a memory. A real memory. I feel so sad for the little girl that I was who didn't get what she needed – and what she deserved.

I sometimes hope that you will one day wake up and have some epiphany, you will get help, you will be remorseful and understand and apologise but I know that you will not. Even if you did, I am not sure what it would achieve, not really. It will all be too late by then anyway won't it, the damage was done a long time ago. Maybe it will give you some inner peace or something, who knows. I feel sad FOR you now. I am not the only one that has missed out.  You also, have missed out on so many things.

 

Hi all,

I hope today is a good day for you.

I just wanted to write a little post about anger. I think, or maybe more specifically, irritability?

I've been having therapy for just over 2 years now and I've learned that anger isn't something that I am "in touch" with.  However, since I got in touch with something a month ago, I became a bit depressed - I am not using that word as the proper diagnosis, but its the best word I can think of using to describe how I was. I cried non stop for days and felt totally exhausted and flooded with sadness.

But now, now I feel ashamed of myself because these days I seem like I am an angry, miserable, irritable person.  I went to write cow, but stopped myself there.

It feels so weird feeling such intense anger. It makes me want to cry sometimes. I worry that I am not the person I thought I was, or at least not the person I tried to be. It makes me worried because my boyfriend said when he met me that he loved how nice and happy I am.. but now, I am far from that person. At work in the mornings, I come to work contented (mostly) but it takes the smallest thing to get my blood boiling.

I've had horrible stomach pains(?) feelings the last few days, I can only explain it as a constant rumbling/gurgling/moving around feeling - I've been taking Rennies for it which I'm not sure has helped or not.... I think it could be anger, but I do not know.

Any experiences of finding your anger??

Thanks x

Hi everyone, happy Monday...

So, what happens when after lots of therapy, you stop dissociating?

I am just wondering because last week, I was hit by what felt like a tsunami of emotion - after 2 years of therapy, it totally floored me, I don't think its quite over yet, but much better than it was. I couldn't cope at all, it was horrible.

I am wondering, is this because I am beginning to stop dissociating a bit? Does this mean there is lots more of this to come? or are the things totally unrelated?
x

Hi all,

This is a bit of a diary note really. I would love any feedback if you have experienced anything familiar, but if not, please feel free to read and run!!

So, I have/had a friend called Sarah. We were friends for about 7 years. 

Sarah is very loud, very confident, very everything. She wears bright colours, paints her nails bright pink and walks around like someone who runs the world. In short, she was fun and entertaining. However, since my healing journey began, I learnt that she was also (at least) very narcissistic. As was my mother.

Sarah has done and said some extremely nasty and hurtful things to me over the years and I have forgiven her time and time again. The list really is too long to write about, but for background, includes personal insults about the way I look - weight, hair, clothes etc.. .she made up blatant lies about me saying I had a personality disorder and when I confided in her once about my dissociation she made something awful up which made me question my sanity.  She also told me I was obsessed with my therapist, that I don't need therapy, and that my boyfriend was a psychopath. As I say, there is much more where that came from.

I forgave her time and time again because I "saw" the real her. The nice her, the one not many people get to see. I guess in a nutshell I thought I could make/keep her good. But obviously I am not that special!!

2 months ago, she pushed me too far. I defended myself for the first time and told her she was projection venom onto me and told her to get some help.  Initially I felt fantastic. I had finally stood up for myself. I felt relieved that I had "escaped" the friendship and I felt like my eyes were finally wide open. A few days later, I felt angry and a few days after that I felt sad..... then guilty, very, very guilty. What kind of a friend am I if I can just give up/walk away from someone I've been so close to for all of that time? I spoke to my therapist and told her that I knew deep down, she was bad for me. That she treated me abusively. That she was just like my mother (also extremely narcissistic).  I stayed "strong" and didn't contact her.  Then that very night, she text me to "apologise". I say it in quotes because it was pretty half-hearted, you know, like sorry but and that kind of thing. I ignored them.  A month later, I deleted her from my facebook. That night she text again to say goodbye and good luck.

So here we are. I haven't allowed her back into my life which I totally accept is the "right" thing to do. I acknowledge that I miss her - rightly or wrongly. But the thing that is hurting me the most is the guilt. I feel sooooooooooo guilty.

The guilt of letting her go so easily - the guilt of giving up on her. She clearly needs help, I should be able to brush off the insults and abuse from her because I know she is deeply hurt herself really - the front is just armour. But I can't anymore. I can't keep being everyone's scapegoat.

Someone tell me, does the guilt ease off? Does it get easier?

Thanks for reading. x

Hi all,

This is the first time of feeling like this that I've known what I am feeling is an emotional flashback.  I guess knowing that helps in a way, at least it prevents me from being too horrible to myself. 

I don't know what happened. I woke up for work Monday morning, got showered etc. I thought to myself how I would like to have stayed in bed. Who doesn't on a Monday I guess. By the time OH got up, I was clearly irritable. I could feel this rage coming over me (I very seldom get angry). I felt like I could tear apart the house, or break down in tears, one way or another. I told OH I needed to work from home. He asked why and I said I can't really explain, I just feel really down.

Fast-forward a little while, I wrote my T an email to tell her how I was feeing and broke down in sobs. I wrote that I wasn't sure why I was crying, why I felt so desperately sad but that I felt like I would never stop. She kindly emailed me back a while later to say she felt perhaps my feelings were only just catching up with some painful memories I had discussed last week. Later yesterday I cried another few times. 

I then woke up today, decided to stay home again. Felt bad for this but knew I couldn't handle the outside world yet today. I was having breakfast with OH who made a joke about something and with that, I totally broke down again. I couldn't say what I was crying about, but I was, again, sobbing a lot. It was so hard.

Since he left for work, I laid in bed, where I again cried I felt very sad. I read a quote thing and it seemed so relevant for me.  It said "She says she's fine, but she's going insane.  She say's she feels good, but she's in a lot of pain. She says it's nothing, but it's really a lot". Made me cry my eyeballs out.

I just feel so silly. I can't understand where it has all come from. I'm not totally sure of my trigger. Luckily its therapy night tonight, maybe the feelings have come in time for that - although I doubt it as I usually turn up there ready to deal with all my feelings and then dissociate.

God its exhausting.

I just wondered if anyone that is currently in long-term therapy, like psychotherapy can relate to me here. I seem fixated on my therapy recently. Like, I look forward to my sessions all week, then in them I get frustrated at myself for being disconnected to my feelings, I then spend the next week reading and writing and trying to self-diagnose etc.. its like all I think about, trying to "fix myself".... why? Why the huge rush? Why does it totally preoccupy me like this?

Can anyone offer me any insight? I am aware that these things need to happen naturally, and in their own time, so why do I stress my head out unnecessarily?  On Friday my T had to email me and tell me to "give the reading a rest" as I was so stressed and exhausted from reading about it all... yet I couldn't stop... and I made myself so stressed out... ?? x