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Topics - Fen Starshimmer

#1
This article succinctly explains the effects of trauma on the brain and explains the benefits of mindfulness meditation on brain function.

Although it talks about PTSD, rather than C-PTSD, I think the information is still useful.

https://www.mindful.org/the-science-of-trauma-mindfulness-ptsd/


#2
I am trying to decide whether to use the term 'survival sex' in the blurb on the back of a book I have written, but am unsure whether it will confuse people.

Is it a mainstream term?

What does it mean to you?

To me, it is not the same as prostitution, but a forced situation, where there is no (perceived) choice, no escape. A chronically traumatised, sexually abused person would be more likely to find themselves in such a situation, a person without any support network. That's just my opinion.

Would be interested in your views. Thanks.

#3
Explains the science of CPTSD, the changes to parts of the brain after trauma and responses to triggers, why CBT doesn't work, and his extensive studies of EMDR, which has been shown to work for some people. He also talks about the benefits of certain types of meditation...That's a just snippet. There's much more. He has a lovely calm, soothing voice, which makes all that info much easier to digest.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53RX2ESIqsM
#4
Hi all, I've been quiet on here over the last couple of months mainly because of some exciting new developments in my life which have led to a lot of work - writing kind of work.

It all started in May when I submitted a short story to a charity seeking stories of hope and art from survivors of child abuse, bullying and human trafficking. My story and art got selected and now I am working with the publisher of that book on a totally different project: a novella (a short novel) that draws on my own experiences of abuse and how I was affected in my younger days - not knowing I was suffering from CPTSD. I have received glowing feedback from the publisher and have signed a publishing agreement, so I hope, HOPE,  this is going to all work out, and the story will be published in eBook and soft cover as planned, and be a great read for young people and adults. My publisher said the story "evoked a lot of strong emotions" in him and a lot of teens will identify with it, and it should be a great counsellors tool. I would LOVE this to happen, so my experiences can benefit others.

I am cautiously excited at the moment. This is the stuff of dreams for me.

Fen (in dreamland)


#5
                                                                                                                               
*** TRIGGER WARNING ****

This has been gnawing away in me since I saw my therapist last week, and I've got no one to share it with. Only read if you are feeling strong in yourself as some of the subject matter could trigger.

I've decided not to mention ANY sexual abuse with my therapist ever again after her latest comments. I'm going to drop her pretty soon.

We had slipped into a conversation in which I was forced to recall one of my abusers. She told me not to call him "an abuser". Some of her clients are men "like that" and it was wrong of me to call him an abuser. I shouldn't judge people. I could have hit the roof....! What on earth did she think she was saying???? ? I haven't even told her much about him. She knows nothing about the abuse, what he did, or how it affected me. I once wrote her an email outlining the circumstances over twenty five years ago in which I became trapped under his roof for a number of years, hoping that would halt her attacks... because initially she blamed me and made me feel really bad, as if I had chosen the abuse. She told me it was "self abuse, self-harming" on a par with cutting. Has anyone ever heard of sexual abuse being self-harming - as if you chose it? I haven't. It's the most sick and twisted and disgusting thing anyone has ever said about the abuse. Self-harming is supposed to give temporary relief isn't it? The sexual abuse by this man (who confessed to me that he was a sociopath) did nothing of the sort. It was the total opposite! I was screaming inside all the time... ALL THE TIME. Ripped apart. It was *. Worse than the year I was trapped with the psychopath who I was escaping from because it was more frequent.... I now realise I became even more dissociated.

Most people would have walked away, she said. But I wasn't "most people". I wasn't 'normal', not a fully functioning person when I wandered into this man's lettings agency to find a bedsit all those years ago. I had just been dumped in a BnB by my parents in a new city where I knew no one, escaping from a psychopath who had terrorised, stalked and routinely raped me for a year with constant threats on my life, who had controlled every moment of my day. (Sorry, I don't mean to trigger you, just get the basics down).  It's a long and complicated story. I was dumped by my family soon after my escape in my early twenties (after I appeared in national newspaper scandal - a set up) in an alien city to fend for myself in a state of chronic shock and trauma, close to destitution, close to collapse... to the point where my hearing became impaired and I could hardly speak. I was reliant on one pair of contact lenses for my vision, no specs, and had a massive overdraft hanging over my head.  :stars:

:fallingbricks:

My therapist was helpful initially in that she helped me uncover that I was sexually abused as a four year old by my father and had spent most of my childhood dissociated and in a state of hypervigilance, but otherwise she seems to lack empathy regarding the trail of sexual - and other types - of abuse that featured throughout my life, that seemed to follow me everywhere I went. I feel invalidated, blamed and ultimately like giving up with her. Isn't invalidation a form of emotional abuse? She's had her uses, but now it's time to move on... I can't and won't take it.

Thank you for reading my post and listening to me letting off steam. It helps.





#6
I just listened to this interview with Cathy O'Brien (who you may know from her other book: Trance Formation of America) talking about her new book PTSD: Time to Heal.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DnCf5RWQXj0

Her experience is vast and she seems to have come a long way. An inspirational lady.

Thought it might be of interest.

Fen
#7
REVELATIONS AFTER A SESSION WITH MY T

I wondered whether anyone else has been affected by loud, negative, music in gyms? Here's what happened to me last week.

On leaving the gym Monday evening, I felt spacey and light headed, trembling inside, heart racing, dreading reaching my flat – reliving that trapped, claustrophobic feeling. I gathered my coat around me and huddled on a low wall under the boughs of a cedar tree on my route home, sheltered from the drizzling rain as dusk fell, drawn to the conifer's gentle, grounding energies and woody scent. I choked back tears hoping passers by wouldn't see me, until I summoned up the courage to take the last few steps home. Once there, I swallowed drops of Ignatia (a homeopathic remedy) in water and inhaled calming incense while gazing into a candle flame to reduce the terror in my body. Thankfully, it reduced the terror in my body, but I woke up the next morning feeling tense and shaky. For the rest of the week, I took large quantities of Ignatia to get through the day until I saw my T.

I'm used to battling my way through hours of ugly vibrations in nearly every gym I've joined, but last week the body blows reached a knife edge intensity. My problem has always been that I like/need high intensity spin and weights classes - it discharges excess energy/adrenalin, relaxes my body, lifts my mood - but it's these very classes that produce the most aggressive, repetitive, explosive music selections on earth. War zone body bashing compilations: beats for bullets, rap for ripping and grinding down your soul. The toughest part of these classes has always been sustaining the attack, rather than keeping pace.

The subject came up when I saw my T on Thursday, who I will refer to as S. She said:

"Aggressive music puts you in a trance state, The wording drops into your sub-conscious. That's the trigger. Music can be harmful. And in the gym, there are other energies besides this: the ethos, other people, the building...Getting outside is much healthier; not mixing with other people, other energies. You need to listen to your body's messages. Because you're so sensitive, you need to check out gyms carefully before you join them. You don't want anywhere that's fear-based. Find a new gym or sports centre and make sure you feel good in it before you join."

It hadn't occurred to me that the battering impact of gym music could have lasting effects on my health, not just physically but on a deeper, sub-conscious level. I thought you just had to be strong, toughen up, and block out the hateful rhythms and rhymes. Surely, that's what everyone else does? How could music possibly harm you after a class?

"The sub-conscious picks everything up," went on S as I faced her, bewildered. "The music creates post-hypnotic suggestions."

I need to remember that being sensitive is a blessing not a curse, and stop fighting it.

Tests* showed I was ringing with the resonance of terror – due to my gym classes. Going against my instincts, pushing myself through uncomfortable classes had set me back; I'd taken a big step back in my healing. The music had set it off. Another underlying reason for the imbalance was a resonance of self-abuse. There was a physical trauma about my body being emotionally stressed. When your body is severely emotionally stressed, it sometimes feels like it's been punched or hit, explained S. Amazingly, it was the gym music at the root of this. 

S cleared these trapped energies affecting my adrenals with her magnet. There was also a trapped emotion of shock imbalancing the hypothalamus part of my brain, which S released.

Fast forward to yesterday: I went for a glorious run in the park, and have cancelled all my gym classes for next week. I am cancelling my membership and looking at alternatives.

*TESTS:  For anyone who is curious how my T diagnosed the trapped terror, shock and self-abuse emotions, modalities she uses are called The Emotion Code and Body Code, created by Dr Bradley Nelson. There are others too. But these are the ones I am familiar with.

I have to say, since Thursday's session with my T, I feel a different person. Terror and shock feelings are gone and no need to take Ignatia or anything else.  :cheer:

Fen
#8
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Hello - I'm new here
September 22, 2016, 06:08:03 PM
Hi all,

I have just joined and feeling rather self-conscious, so it's just a little hello for now.   :heythere:

I relate to a lot of the conversations in this forum and wish I had somewhere like this years ago when I battled the effects of trauma, CPTSD, CSA etc totally alone. This is the first online community I have dared  step into.

Over the last 11 years I have been working on healing and finally feel I am making some real progress. I have found an amazing T.  I hope to share some of my stories here and chip in where I can. I feel very fortunate to be where I am now, truly blessed!

Fen