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I am dedicated to becoming more mindful, less reactive to my racing thoughts, and so forth.  In conjunction with this, I recently began attending several recovery groups which espouse Buddhist principles and practice insight meditation as part of an approach toward attaining sobriety.  In my case, it is emotional sobriety since I have not consumed alcohol in 4 1/2 years.  I have also recently started taking an SSRI, having been diagnosed with GAD.

Still, the mind is a tricky place.  Yesterday, while in a very public setting, I suddenly became convinced I had lost my keys and went on a frantic search in this rather large and well populated place.  I asked for help at the main office, gave my name and phone number, and called my spouse as she has the extra set of keys to my car, which was parked at this place.  Only after 45 minutes or so did I do a more systematic search of my purse and THERE THEY WERE in a normally unused pocket of my purse.  Gulp.  Shame, embarrassment, etc.  My spouse has already been wary of me of late due to several episodes of upset between us, and this did nothing to make things better.  At least I was able to call her before she arrived and she turned back around and went back to what she had been doing.

I did have a better rest of my day.  And ended it at a meeting with others who are overcoming various states of vulnerability and shame, which provided peace.

Anxiety is a mountain of awfulness.

I'm having a lovely day, really, filled with activities that I enjoy.  Exercising, playing my instruments, reading.  And yet, I see and feel the ghosts of "not enough" creeping into small spaces between my thoughts.  They are so nasty that I use eating as a way not to have to really deal with them.  I try to become numb, to play dead so they won't notice me here.  This is not a very effective strategy.  The "not enough" ghosts just laugh at my feeble attempts, which themselves are not enough to escape the shadowy memories.

Sigh.  I suppose this recognition may be a baby step towards progress.

Hi-

I just finished listening to "Walls", Streisand's latest album.  For those who appreciate her artistry - you will LOVE this masterful set of tunes.  They are at once soulful, poignant, political, and deeply personal.  In my opinion, this may be her best work ever. 

I am super happy that American runner Shalane Flannigan was able to place third in today's NYC Marathon.  She won in 2017, but her grit and determination continue to shine and inspire no matter what.  As an injured runner, my heart surges as I watch such a display of strength and courage.  Against all odds, we keep on moving.

As I prepare to head back into the maelstrom of emotions and intellect known as the high school classroom, I am excited to try my brand new practice of slowing down and listening to my inner self when things get difficult. 

Here's to the best year of teaching ever!  Year 24 will be fun, challenging, and brand new.

I have been hearing more and more about sex abuse by former physicians at OSU as well as coverups of domestic violence by the current coach of the mighty football team.  I am an alumnus of Ohio State, and I was the object of affections by the chair of the department in which I studied.  It was a family friend, someone who knew my parents and had been involved in activities I which I participated even during high school.

In addition to studying under (pardon the unfortunate pun) this individual, I also babysat for his children, sometimes spent the weekend at his family home, and spent six weeks in another state acting as the nanny hike he and his wife lead workshops in another college town.  I was drawn into the so-called excitement of attention given by someone many of us admired.

But I was 19, a virgin, and of course got horribly emotionally hurt by this affair.  I realize now that my craving for attention and approval was linked to not ever getting the right kind of same from my own father, who emotionally abandoned me.  I was ripe for the picking.  And now, with all of the news about abuse coming from that same institution, it is painful once again.  This is a systemic problem that many of us kept quiet out of shame. 

Thankfully, the shame is being dissolved a little by the publicity.  But I have a new shame about the entire institution.  I will no longer be tempted to tout my alma mater or cheer for the Buckeyes on autumn Saturdays.  Very sad.

I saw a bald eagle on my run along the river today. It brought to mind the idea that no matter how much we humans screw things up politically, socially, or even environmentally, nature still has the power to remind us that we are not alone and to inspire us to do better.

At least, that is how I am feeling today.

I just returned from 4 1/2 days away to attend the funeral of my dearest living relative.  The death was expected, as she has been declining for some time.  It was also good for her to be out of the throes of dementia as well as the pain from her rheumatoid arthritis, which could not be properly treated once she reached the end stages of the dementia. 

I have been through a lot of ups and downs this week, as one might expect.  The golden part of the experience, though, has been to realize that this outstanding lady - much loved by many people- also had many emotional difficulties yet her beautiful spirit was not tarnished by them.  It encourages me to continue on my healing path and to continue just being me.  My aunt always helped me know that I am "enough".  That is a wonderful gift, and one which I must continue to be able to give to myself now that she has passed. 

Like many others, I work for a large organization that is completely dependent upon a computer network in order to function.  This morning, I found myself locked out of the system and had to call to get access to go back on the network.  I was told by an administrator in my building that I was the third person just in my school to get locked out today.  Now, at home, I find myself yet again locked out of the system.  My inner critic is having a blast with this - wondering if it's because I checked my home email from the computer a few times, or just what is wrong.  I deleted my home email from the computer and am still beating myself up as well as furious about the situation. 

Better luck tomorrow, right?

My awareness of my cptsd and codependency came to the fore with the death of my Mother four years ago, following a prolonged (8 year)  decline due to a series of strokes.  Stripped bare, I suddenly had to deal with all of the feelings and layers of pain that I had stuffed for over 50 years.  Since then, I have made substantial progress in my healing journey. 

Now, I am coping with what seems to be one in a series of health challenges that my wife is experiencing.  I am working to remain grounded, and in her eyes I am doing a remarkable job being kind, loving, and attentive.  To me, however, the daily work of staying grounded is nearly too much to bear.  I am aware of my tendency to give too much, so am making sure to keep doing nurturing things for myself (running, reading, seeing friends).  But the illness is nearly constantly bringing on a cascading series of EFs and even daily meditation cannot generally bring me back to myself. 

I just wanted to share this part of my struggle with those on this site, as it helps to get it off my chest and perhaps can open a door to another who is also supporting  loved one who is ill.  I will come out of this stronger than before, but as my byline says, the commitment truly is daily.

While I was on my morning run, I realized that I feel entirely differently about myself and my surroundings than I have ever felt before.  There is more of a sense of spaciousness, room to grow, and more self acceptance and positive energy than in the past.  After all of the work I have done on myself over the past 4 years, it is a glorious realization.

Recovery happens!

I have been thinking a bit lately about my station in life and about ways it may or may not relate to a larger picture of where many of us are at this point.  At age 57, an only child with no surviving parent and limited connection with other family (other than my spouse), I often feel disconnected from the many people who have larger families and who connect with them daily (in person or on social media, which is a thing I also don't do).  Obviously, I value connection or else I would not participate in this forum.  But I do feel somewhat set apart, a kind of observer at the edges at times.

Layered on top of this, I just finished reading The Sixth Extinction, by Elizabeth Kolbert.  It is a fascinating read, scientifically, and gives a lot of info about hypotheses of causes of past extinction events beginning 450 million years ago and going to the present day.  Change is inevitable, as we know.  The changes that we humans are part of and which are shaping our environment are notable for the extremely fast rate at which they are preceding, much faster than any prior changes.  So fast, in fact, that Earth's plants and animals have no time to adapt and thus get wiped out before they can further evolve as a survival strategy.

I guess for me, the striking thing is that I also feel that things around me are quickly changing and leaving me with a feeling of overwhelm at times.  It's partly nostalgia, and partly a sense that my dependable systems and strategies no longer apply.  Very odd feeling, this.  Meanwhile, all of the work I have done on myself over the past four years bolsters my sense that it's ok to be different, that my unique contributions to the world matter, and that I don't have to go around trying to please everyone. 

So, in the end, I will need to keep learning how to find myself over and over in this sea of uncertainty.  Maybe that is true for most people.  It just feels very "real" to me today.

As I sit listening to the details of the horrific attack which took place last night in the gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida, I send wishes for healing to the entire community.  As of this moment, the shooter's motives are unknown but as a lesbian, I have a strong feeling that homophobia plays a role. 

Prayers for the families of the more than who lost their lives, prayers for the 50 plus who cling to life in hospitals, and prayers for those who will have PTSD from having witnessed the event.

I take my personal safety for granted much of the time, despite having hypervigilance from childhood attachment problems.  I think that incidents like this make me question how safe a I am, on the one hand, and require me to send peaceful thoughts to everyone, on the other hand. Seems like a good mediation focus for the coming days.

I had a dream last night in which I turned both my car and cell phone over to a clearly unreliable woman who promised to fix the car (after having let her tell me there was something wrong with the car, unbeknownst to me) and have everything back to me within 24 hours.  I then wandered aimlessly through the city, having realized that I should not have given my belongings to her and mentally beating myself up for the poor decision.

I was unable to get back to sleep as this disturbing dream brought all manner of things to the surface (mostly work-related) concerning my lack of information about things I feel I must be able to control.  So, my inner critic was having a marvelous time poking at me.  I meditated, did some reflection, and realized that although I have been burned in the past by trusting the wrong people, this new junction is a new chance to trust my own instincts and allow creativity to come into the problem solving I must do.  No point in whining about lack of information, or the unreliability of my colleagues or school district.  It's really all about using what I have available and staying open to new opportunities.  I really CAN make good choices, and don't need to feel victimized by either my current situation or by my past.

This is an enormous relief to me.

My tinnitus, which has been pretty front and center for 5 or 6 months, is really wearing me down today.  I feel like I may be in the middle of an EF, not sure what may have precipitated it.  EFs would surely exacerbate tinnitus or any other somatic symptoms.  But I have bee to an audiologist and apparently have only slight hearing  loss all of which is considered normal for my age.  Ugh. The constant ringing really is wearing me out.

Thanks for letting me vent here.

Yesterday, I once again became aware of a beautiful spin off of doing the work that gets me in touch with the feelings that I sometimes wish I didn't have.  It is this :  A much greater appreciation and ability to be open to the raw and uncomfortable feelings carried by others.  As I get better at accepting myself, all aspects of me, it is easier for me to observe others in a non-judgemental fashion.  It is easier  ( I believe) for others to trust in my sincerity and for them to be open about what is going on inside of them, even if I don't choose to verbalize my own journey and struggles.

Just thought I would share this nice realization.

Gosh, there is not much to say that most everyone on this site hasn't felt and talked about already with regard to EFs.  I just don't like that I continue to be susceptible to them given how much I have put into my healing - time and effort, real commitment.  I just fell into one a little while ago when my wife would not take something to the post office for me even though she had to drive right past it.  I actually dropped something off for her at the P.O. earlier today, no problem.  She's not a bad person, just hates going to the post office.  I am not "less than", but sure felt like it suddenly. 

So many of us work so hard to know that we are good enough.  Too bad that we must fight Inner Critic so very much. 

Thanks for letting me spout off!

Ah, how easily my IC gets moving once it has been fed the tiniest morsel from outside.  Yesterday, a colleague threw me under the bus a bit in front of someone during a meeting.  While there was some truth in his criticism, it was mainly powered by his own insecurity and frustrations with an entire system rather than just directed at my faults and such.  It is easy to know that intellectually and much more difficult to know it emotionally.  Staying motivated to continue improving my work depends upon acknowledging progress that I have been able to make while seeing next steps that can be taken.  We all do our best in any given situation, and nobody but our own selves knows how we maybe have had to struggle just to arrive at where we are today. 

So, that having been said (glad to get it off my mind a bit and into writing), I am going to allow that criticism to fade somewhat and go run like the wind in a half marathon.  Take that, silly inner critic!

As a U.S. Citizen who pays close attention to politics and news items, it occurs to me that many if not all politicians running for President work to activate fear as a motivator when politicking.  Fear of immigrants, fear of terrorism, fear of general ruin.  Listening to interviews of those who favor the worst of these fear mongers, it is clear that many suffer from some sort of PTSD and live in terror most of the time.

It seems to me that in some respects, the politicians who prey upon fear rather than seeking to soothe fears are no better than the terrorists they claim to be protecting us from.  Really chilling.  I guess none  of this is new, considering all of history, yet it remains disheartening nonetheless.  It encourages me to be a purveyor of hope rather than despair as I go about my daily life.  It's a challenge, but one that can be met.

I had the very sad news of a former student committing suicide last week.  Terrible thing for him, his family, all who knew him.  Here's the thing:  this boy was a bully who preyed upon girls, sexually harassing them, making them uncomfortable, and maybe worse.  He was a jock, a very good soccer player who was playing on the local community college team after graduation, with prospects for going pro. 

So, I felt sadness and also something else.  I was unable to identify the "something else" until yesterday, the day he was buried.  Yesterday, it hit me.  I was bullied as a kid, first by my Father, then by a few boys at various times throughout elementary and junior high school.  My Dad's teasing was considered a form of affection, but of course it really isn't the type of affection a child needs.  He also drank too much and could become unpredictably aggressive at times.  I will never forget being slapped across the face once while a friend was having dinner with us.  I don't remember the reason for being slapped - maybe I benched or reached across the table.  The point is, I never knew when I might be in trouble for something with my Dad.

To come to the point, I realized that the type of fear I felt when around the former student was exactly the fear I had of my Father.  So, I had a really rough night last night.  Sent 3 emails to my therapist since last night.  She reminds me that it was regrettable that I had to endure such things but that this is also the reason I am such an advocate for kids who are bullied and that I am stronger now than I was as a kid.

Yes, stronger I am.  And yes, I am known as an advocate and as the kind of adult that high school kids can come to for help and support.  But when triggers come around, the pain is pretty bad.  The hope is that now that I have finally fully identified this hurt, future triggering episodes will cause less of an uproar. 

Until then, there is meditation, ice cream, and therapy. Oh, and this forum!!