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*TW*

I thought I found a great therapist while searching for one. She has loads of experience, more than 20 years, with ritual abuse. That's what happened to me. Then suddenly she disappears from the counseling group. I was stunned and greatly disappointed. No return calls. No contact even from the manager of that counseling group. I just don't get that kind of attitude.

So I decided to return to my former therapist. He's not a trauma specialist. Though I think if he can't deal with what I'm working on he might ask to refer me to someone else in his group. The best part is he knows my history. And secondly it's a man. I do better with men than women. He confirmed to me that I was indeed a ritual abuse survivor. That shocked me. I hadn't expected him to know that. I had only two therapists before him tell me this. Still I disbelieved it because it didn't involve satanism. And it didn't make sense that seeing serial murders could have anything to do with ritual abuse.

I ended a relationship, my only friendship in the last 12 years, because she had Histrionic PD, Borderline PD, and bipolar disorder. I failed to see that the relationship was based on her lies and needing to be the center of my attention from the very beginning. It took a while before she shared about her diagnoses. In addition she was stealing from stores and telling me about it. That confused and angered me especially when she did those things while talking on her cellphone with me.

Part of the dynamics of our relationship was sharing with each other about our childhood abuse. As time went on though she told me she could no longer listen to my abuse. I could definitely understand that. I shared about my father's criminal acts and what I discovered about him. I think the most annoying thing about the sharing was her trying to get me to prove what happened to me. I never once asked her to prove anything that happened to her. So I stopped telling her about my childhood. I only talked about present day situations. However, she then stepped up her sharing about her own childhood abuse. We'd often have conversations where she shared non-stop for three-quarters of the time. I confronted her about that and told her that wasn't fair and I didn't agree with it. That didn't go well because as someone with Histrionic PD she needed to be the center of my attention.

One time she ripped me off for a design job I did for her. She never paid me for it even though I asked for the money. She was super stingy with her money.

The last straw for me was when my dog was dying of osteosarcoma. She called me up one day and told me the reason she hadn't been calling me: She didn't want to hear about his death. After that conversation which was mostly about her woes and worries, I decided it was time to end the relationship. She had again defined the parameters for sharing and they only included what she was wanting to hear and to talk about her troubles, her physical ailments, and past abuse.

I thought of writing to her (snail mail) about why I cut off the relationship. What do you think? Let it lie as is or send a letter?

I found this forum by way of Out of the Fog. I used to frequent there when I first figured out some things in my life. I've been on this healing journey since I was 25 years old. It was the first time I got triggered by where my childhood abuse happened. Yet I didn't know it at the time. It took until I reached 35 years old for the stopper to come out of drain and then everything fell apart. At the same time, I started to understand my messed up childhood.

My mother was a malignant narcissist and I was one of her scapegoats, mentally/emotionally abused. A brother two years younger than me was the other, physically abused. I didn't know until recently that my brother's abuse continued throughout his childhood like mine.

I lived with my parents, Nmother and OCPDstepdad. I had a psychopath/narcissist for a father who my mother was forced to send me to at my father's whim. He was a serial killer and forced me to watch and participate in his criminal acts. He also emotionally, physically, and sexually abused me. I witnessed two murders when I was three years old. That day my C-PTSD and poly-fragmented DID started.

Then I came home to my Nmother who assaulted me emotionally and never heard what I was trying to tell her about my father's crimes. In 2012 reported my father's criminal acts to the cold case division in the state where they occurred. This year I gave an update and a new detective was on the case. I told him about the four words I used to repeat to my Nmother when I was three years old. The guy told me they described what one would see and smell at a murder scene. It was one validation I needed to hear. I wasn't crazy.

I've come a long way on my journey and yet there's so much more which needs to be healed. That's why I joined this forum.