Topics

My NM made contact this week, sending money to my kids for Easter, for the first time ever. Kids are 21 and 18 years old.

I knew I was unsettled but didn't know how angry I was until the week wore on and I was feeling it all over as I discovered others peoples mistakes and misunderstandings at work. I didn't shift it until I was able to go to a class and have a day off from my part time office job.

Then I remembered how I was last year, I was scammed when I was at work and, aside from the fear I felt at being so foolish, I had this anger which came out in all the wrong directions, at people parking illegally etc. it felt the same inside.

I feel somewhat ashamed of being angry and frustrated in the wrong direction, although, I find it unbelievable the mistakes which get made out there in the real world. I cannot contact my NM, I have not been in contact with her since 2008. Plus, she would not understand she has so little awareness.

I saw my counsellor after the mail had been opened and told her all about it but the anger, whilst there, had not really taken hold of me at that point.

Has anyone any tips? I cannot always get to a class. Maybe screaming into a pillow but I can't get over myself to do that.
Obviously I feel pleased that I have recognised what is going on in me and anger is better than other things as long as it has a safe outlet.

G

The topic is not entirely accurate. As I am 51 I seem to see more and more information around me about menopause and peri-menopause.

For example, I saw a GP for a reissue of my anti-depressants some 7 years ago. I mentioned brain fog and the female GP said I must be menopausal, as I was the same age as she was, and she was menopausal.

7 years later, I still have a regular cycle and no signs of menopause or peri-menopause, but I do have anxiety, depression associated with CPTSD. I also see women my age, on line, mentioning anxiety, feelings of impending doom, brain fog, as symptoms of peri-menopause. These are every day occurrences for me, and have been for as long as I can remember.

What I would really like is for somebody here, who may have experienced menopause as well as CPTSD to tell me if the menopause is like CPTSD, or if I am mixing the two up as, at my age, I am likely to be experiencing the lead up to menopause.

G

Saw a poster for this person in my local Post Office today and obviously my curiosity was triggered by the mention of CPTSD. To be fair, from the name I thought it was a man.

I will look and see whether there is anyone with experience of hypnotherapy here before asking them about their work. It is pricey.

https://www.brayhypnotherapy.com/gez-bray-hypnotherapist

G

I had an appointment with a mental health nurse yesterday which has stirred me up. It came about because I started to ask about whether I could be assessed for ADHD, as I do wonder about myself, especially since trying to get a job, aside from being self employed. The more I look on neurodivergence groups etc the more seems to resonate, but, apparently, the effect of trauma is similar to being ND, and it could just be CPTSD instead.

So, yesterday, I gave the nurse a brief synopsis of my history of MH struggles, types of therapy etc, and she asked if any of them had worked, made a difference. Aside from psychodynamic psychotherapy improving my immune system, which seemed very important to me, (but didn't seem to interest her) I could not think of any which had made a difference to me, the way I react, suffer. So she is going to refer me to a team who can do a proper assessment, as my only assessment to date had revealed 'traits of PTSD'. Maybe to go on to an ADHD assessment or something else.

That brought me to this part of the forum, and I found this article https://chronicillnesstraumastudies.com/act-out/ linked in an old thread, so I am sharing it again as it seems useful to me. I also recalled a GP mentioning DBT so maybe I should look at the material I have on that too. It was not available where I am, of course.

And, I will look more at this part of the forum.

I feel a bit like I have not been heard because I could not say what had worked. I feel dismissed. I feel sad. So now I wonder if I am right to post this here, but I know I want to put it somewhere it is acknowledged by people who understand.

G

Hi, I managed to get a part time regular job in January, I look after the finances in a small company, the owner has several businesses, he is rarely there. The manager is always there, in the same office, has been there when the previous owners owned it, he has been there for decades, and is a couple of years younger than me. He is a 🍆 .

Yesterday, for some unknown reason (I was focussing on my job so I do not know why he said it) but he said 'I will pay for some kick-boxing classes for Gromit, because she is soft as 💩' I believe it was supposed to be a joke. Maybe a reflection on my approach to getting money out of customers who take a long time to pay.

When I was a kid (about age 9) almost the whole of my class at school started calling me 'Walter the Softy' a character from the Beano (comic). That was the first major bullying, there had been various other bullying before, but not by so many people at once, and it had a major effect on me.

So, I think the comment triggered the stuff from childhood, I had heartburn on and off for the rest of the day.

For context, the manager makes comments about a member of staff who has counselling in works time, and is on pills. Like that is anybody's business at work? He should not be telling everyone. It does not affect the man's work, or how he is with everyone.

I guess I wonder what to do, how to handle it? So far, my default is to freeze and keep quiet, but I have told my family, which is progress. Now I have some up to date work experience I could look for another job but there are bullies everywhere and I like the hours and the flexibility as I have my own business teaching classes.

G

Hi, I have not been here for a while, and I found I could not log in on a tablet.I can log in on a PC so I still exist and my password is correct.  is there a known issue or is it me and my device? I tried emailing Kizzie and telling it I forgot mypassword but I do not know if those things worked.

G

I think that is the phrase, probably from a 12th Step group.

Out of the blue my uncle called me, for news of my mother as he could not reach my sister.  It was actually nice talking to him, he sounded lonely.  He is 90, his wife in a home (dementia), and I am one of the few people who actually live in teh area still, aside from one of his daughters.  I thought about calling o him (must have been a crazy brave idea for me) and called his son, the only contact number I have as he is the last cousin I saw, and teat was 20 years ago. His sone responded to my text, saying he would call me the next day. 

This is where the stinking thinking comes into play.  I automatically assumed I would be told not to visit his father, that my mother would have told some lies about me. When he did call he was lovely, advsed me to call first, that uncle is not quick on his feet, often falls asleep and is deaf as a post, refusing to use any aids.

I am not sure whether it is my upbringing, CPTSD, or just my personality that makes me assume the worst.  Yes, I have seen my mother tell lies about me, whilst I was in the room, I know she has told lies to others, my sister, father, but, perhaps her older brother, who she always tried to scare me about is actually ok. Scare me in terms or his work shop, he turns wood, possibly a danegerous place for a child, his wife, forcing her children to eat the food they left the day before.  No idea if any of this stuff is actually true.  I think my mother was jealous of her older brother, who had different treatment from her.

My uncle has apparently tried to convince mymother to do something about our estrangement.  luckily, she has taken no notice.  I think we are both much happier not having anything to do with each other.

I guess I need to use CBT skills on my thinking. Why do I assume the worst?  what proof do I have to back up my thinking?

G

DD was very upset last night and I found her talking to her dad, my OH about it. Then she wanted to speak to me.

From what I gather she is kind of like me, a head full of too many things, all at once, dwelling on things which happened years ago, replaying conversations, scenarios. Completely normal to me, an over thinker.

It prompted me to ask my OH about his thinking styles, he said he was 'black and white' (obviously not realising how bad that is. Not an 'over thinker' but, analytical. See, I consider myself to be very analytical so I am not sure he understands what it means in the same way that I do. I think he means it in a logical mathematical way, however, I do not think he is logical at all. He says he is perceptive but, I find that there is friction at home because he is unable to 'read the room' and work out when people, myself or DD, do not want to be disturbed, asked questions of etc.

All fascinating to me, although my DD does not seem to understand me, they both act as if I talk nonsense. I am really considering being assessed for ADHD especially after my recent attempts to find another job. From what I have discovered so far it seems a very likely explanation for some of my experiences throughout my life, not just my difficulty with job interviews.

I put this here because I wonder if CPTSD impacts thinking skills, or is it something innate, before trauma? How does it effect our relationships? I do not believe the difference is between sexes but there are differences there as well, as far as I can tell.

I need someone else's input before I ramble into incoherence and delete this.

G

I have a casual bar job, only job I seem to be able to get aside from my self employment. It has been ok, it is just casual, and not what I want to be doing, I am just doing it for experience and to show I can work on my CV.

In my last shift, several times when I had to move down the bar the manager made a comment about me spilling a drink or being in the way.....again. Enough to get on my nerves. I thought maybe I should say something. What came to my mind was, 'do you mind not doing that?' I tested it out with my partner, teenager and they said no, that was too confrontational. I am thinking now I should not say anything.  But, something a therapist said in the past haunts me, 'why do you continue to let people treat you that way?'

As I explained the situation to my partner and teen, they said, well, it is only for experience until you get something  else and, their advice for other interviews was 'tell them what they want to hear'. The problem is, I have no clue what they want to hear. I tell the truth, I try and answer the questions and tell the truth. I am not capable of BS.

G

I am seeing advertisements for ear plugs which dampen down sounds more often now, thanks algorithms. I first came across them in the summer, someone was using them in the exams I invigilate. I am wondering if they may help me with triggers, like my OH cursing the PC in another room? Has anybody tried them? Any particular brand or type? The ones I have seen are Flare calm and Loop. I am in the U.K.

G

Last year I approached a charity that offers therapy, for the umpteenth time, and was waiting to be allocated a counsellor for months, in the mean time I went back on Citalopram too. When I finally got a counsellor I was not too sure at first but then I got to appreciate what she did. She then got the opportunity to set up on her he own and I stayed with the charity who found me someone else, who is very different. She is really trying hard, too hard, and is bad at sticking to time boundaries which makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel that it is not doing anything for me, maybe I should approach the previous one in her new set up? Or ask for a different one at the charity? Or maybe I need a break? And speaking up to say I do not feel this counsellor fits is difficult for me. I think that is it, I could say to the other one I wanted to stay with the charity instead of leaving with her, this one I feel uncomfortable about raising the issues and, I need to be able to raise issues or it cannot help.

Putting it here has been helpful, thank you.
G

I have been wondering lately if I am neurodivergent. I also wonder if that is why I perform so badly in job interviews, I am looking for a part time job, have been for some months, and so, far can only get casual bar work, no interview required. And I am ok at that, the bar manager considers me one of her favourites as I know what I am doing and get on with it.

Just looking through the traits of ADHD, the inattention side, is where I most relate. There also seems to be a lot of overlap with CPTSD. Or is it simply dissociation?

I mentioned it to a friend who was a little surprised, mentioned it to my masseur who thinks she is too, another introvert with many of the traits for ADHD and has been looking into it for some months.

Not that I want any more medication, but would it make people more understanding of me?

Has anyone looked into this?

G

The complications of a dysfunctional family.

My DD has received a cheque from my NM for her exam results. She was shocked at the amount. Feels uncomfortable. I am discovering that she and OH are more uncomfortable because my DS did not have similar when he did his exams. No one took any interest in him then, from the FOO. My sister points out that that was when my EF was ill and had his terminal diagnosis. But it is part of the same disinterest towards DS that has always been evident.

The other interesting aspect in this is the discovery that my niece no longer speaks to or sees NM, she was the only grandchild NM had anything to do with, me being vlc for years, my kids do not know my NM at all, she merely sends cards and cheques to them for Xmas and birthdays.

My OH swings from saying DD needs to be careful with any interactions with my NM to saying his only qualm about her accepting the money is because DS didn't receive similar treatment.

And me? Well, I have no control over my NM or my DD in this, except I am the only one who knows NM's address and telephone number for responses. No, it isn't fair that no one takes an interest in my lovely DS, and it is highly suspicious that as one grandchild cuts my NM off, another receives more attention.

And this seems a safe place to put it all into words, and to hear sympathetic responses from people who will not be shocked at any of it.

G

I did find a thread on here about teens, but it is from 2015 so maybe I am ok starting a new one.

I survived my son's teenage years, somehow they were easier than his pre-teen years but now my DD is 16 and, after a hiatus the past 2 years when she was very ill and under consultant care, she is making up for lost time. I hate to say this, but she was nicer when she was ill. To be fair, there were some issues before the illness.

It seems I can do nothing right, I do not talk enough but, when I do, I talk nonsense. Apparently I have no sense of humour. I know nothing! Until there is something wrong with an appliance.

Now there are moans about how her friends have extended family they do things with. I seem to remember feeling I missed out on this too. I only had cousins on my mothers side, and the youngest cousin was the same age as my sister, 7 years older than me. They were all a different species. With my own children I did things with my sister, who has a child between my 2. My OH's niece and nephew are much older and, although local, we never see them. I did do things with my sister until she moved away, and then things got a lot more distant in many ways but now she has left her husband she wishes to reconnect.

On this current family issue I feel my DD does not yet realise that you cannot choose family, and not everyone has a Walton style extended family.

A lot of these issues seem to be connected with her new friends, there have been lots of 'meet-ups' and some of them do the whole extended family thing. Plus her older brother is now at uni and we do all miss him.

I am just lost and triggered at the moment, triggered by her moods, attitudes to me. I am sure I was worse but I did have a NM.

G

I have been worse before but I decided to inform the doc that I am struggling. I received a telephone call, with a follow up in a months time. The GP made some suggestions, DBT with a website to look at, she doesn't think it is actually available on the NHS where I am, some referral to a nurse, I have no idea what that is, and for me to consider Mirtazapine.  I have been on SSRi's before, always the base level, they take the edge off, one made the nightmares come nightly, they make it hard to concentrate, but stop me being able to cry. They change nothing though. This seems a bit more heavy duty.

When I cam off Citalopram before it was because I had discovered Adult Children of Alcoholic and Dysfunctional families, now the only meetings are online and it is a struggle to find a regular one I can always attend, the last I attended had 153 participants at one point.

So I guess I came here to see what people thought about the medication and DBT, I have got a copy of a workbook for that, I looked at it some years ago and it seemed ok, better than CBT anyhow.

Opinions, and experiences welcome.

G

Before Christmas I heard that my sister (GC) had separated from her husband and moved. I sent a card, and had an exchange of messages with her, her indicating that she wanted to chat. Well, we did have a chat a few nights ago. I was just aware of how cold I felt physically afterwards and towards the end of the call. Yes, it is winter here, but I was colder than that. I am not sure what emotion, if any, that is evidence of. I felt nervous, she did too. Was it cold from fear? It was not the same physical feeling I get with shame.

We had not spoken for some time. Her husband had had various bright ideas on how to help us both, which, when acted upon, made things worse and, in his words, I had 'burnt my bridges with my sister'.

Any help in deciphering physical feelings and making sense of them in an emotional way gratefully received.

Gromit

I hope the title is not upsetting for anyone, just not sure what to call it.

I do not do well at Christmas time, I cannot really put it into words but I will be glad when things are back to normal.

Today I was out walking my dog and came through the church yard, there was a sandwich board up but the entrance announcing that the church was open for 'head space, soul space, prayer' it is normally locked when there is no service taking place. Even though I had the dog with me I walked back towards the church, feeling emotion just welling up. Inside the porch were signs about sanitising and wearing masks, but no masks available, and, whilst I could have pulled my snood up over my face, I did not want to risk entering without a mask on so I swallowed everything back down and walked away.

The only other time this has happened was when I was in hospital with my DD, I had been out, and was walking back to the ward but decided to find the prayer or contemplation room, even before I got to it that same swell of emotion came brimming up and I barely made it in there before sobbing. (It was a hard period, and I was on the ward with my DD 24/7 apart from breaks to eat, or shop).

I do not know why it is coming up now, apart from the anxiety I have over Christmas, everyone being at home, my OH and his moods.

Does anyone else have this experience with religious places? I am not religious. I can be alone plenty of times when I am out walking but I do not have that same feeling of a dam being breached, and I have tried at times, in quiet places.

G

https://www.traumageek.com/polyvagal-neurodiversity-blog-project/fawn-the-trauma-response-that-is-easiest-to-miss?fbclid=IwAR23JESJkeHflj03CHwyAB6TB9rHxVu1CDVCjIxRYDT2seXlNiQgJgd8ZR8

I followed the link at the end to another useful article too.

My DD asked me this recently, another of our bedtime discussions.

It stumped me. I seem to lurch from one fearful episode to another, I don't think self acceptance comes into my experience.

I asked my OH as he, although quick to temper, never seems troubled by any self doubts. He said, occasionally he thinks about how life has turned out, not as he might have dreamed but, you just have to 'get on with things' and, once he had thought about it some more, 'focus on the positives'.

My DD and I asked, what about when people just say, 'cheer up, it might never happen' when you are quietly minding your own business? He had no response, I don't think it happens to him, the kind of criticism that comes from other people whether you want it or not. I am not saying it only happens to women, but it does seem that other people (both men and women) are quite comfortable at offering their negative opinions on your appearance and behaviour, if you are female. My point being, it is hard to find any positives when other people point out the negatives that they see. I know, other people's opinions are not facts and, I feel I should be able to discern if there is any truth in them and ignore them, if not. But, perhaps it is being accepted by others, as you are, which helps you to accept yourself. Maybe it is when you can accept others as they are it helps you to accept yourself too.

My DD did understand when I asked if she had an inner critic. Oh yes, and somehow I feel I have failed her because she does, but I can see that part of that may come from OH, he is great at passing doubt onto others, asking me, if I have locked my car, which makes me question myself, for example, and, whatever score she gets in tests, asking why she didn't get the other 9% or whatever it is to get 100%, as she is usually  in the top scores of the class.

Well done if you reached the end of my rambling about self acceptance, I tried to find some help here first but decided that I could ask instead. How do you accept yourself?

G

Over the last few months I have noticed a sound, like a pulsing, in my left ear, when I am at rest. Not all the time but a few times a day, almost every day.

I saw ringing in the ears as a symptom for anxiety I think.

Anyone else?

G