Topics

I don't know when, if ever, I'll see what happened to me as "not my fault".


When I've heard what other victims of child SA have shared, my heart breaks. But when I think back - I'm not at the stage yet where I don't believe it was my responsibility.

Has anyone got advice on what to do * old SI marks? I'm really upset about them. I think I need to use an oil treatment but I struggle with this kind of self care every day.

When using medication for a dissociation issue, has anyone else found the increase in mood swings particularly difficult to manage? Because it is rubbish to up and up dosages when the risks are high. I guess it's like gambling. Or being used to gamble. Or something.

I am, as the title suggests, getting worn out flipping between these two states. I feel like I've made some progress and know the direction I'm headed. It's just tiring me out so much because the path isn't clear yet.

I don't know who I can trust or who I can ask for advice in person. I'd really appreciate some advice.

I feel like I'm in epic amounts of shock right now. I'm terrified of myself. I can barely feel my face and I'm so shaken. I don't get it. Just don't get it. My eyes hurt and my forehead hurts. Can't sleep. Urgh.

I thought it would be cool to have a board of mostly positive lists and recommendations. Maybe that wouldn't work here but I liked the thought 

I'd really like to be calmer.

I've not really managed this before, but I have all the right reasons to begin. Sometimes steps forward seem like steps backwards.

I'm going to try to keep a better schedule with my meds and diet. Going to try to be more mindful of how I think of and treat people around me. I'm going to try to make positive steps.

What do I do with her? I don't want to be a critic of anything. Every time I've tried, I've failed. It seems too late to put her to use now.

I could use her energy, but I'm still hearing too much of her on the inside when I attempt to be proactive and it's a challenge that my body isn't up to yet. Urgh. I hate how vulnerable I am.

For every strong step, I make a mistake. It's life. It's a hard lesson. If I don't learn it, I see what that will do to others 

  deleted

Today I noticed the time. Oh yeeeeah.

Who knew. I'll never know... But I'll try to make it up to those I can.

My first steps toward recovery are recognising how dissociative I am between all 4F states. I need to face the narcissistic part today. I recognise I've hurt myself so badly and hurt, I think everyone I know in some way. I've hurt others who are connected to people I've hurt as well. I don't recognise when I do it, but I am so ashamed of myself. I've been cold and unfeeling when it felt protective, but I've been full of emotion every time I've tried to explain what I've gone through. My defences are way too strong and the worst, the very worst has been my pride. It's taken so long to recognise it in myself, because of all the things I'd not faced that I'd done and that had been done to me. That's the part I need the most help for. I don't even hear myself when I'm in fight mode.

I wish I could apologise to everyone I've hurt but that seems impossible. I'm so sad I can't rewind and do it all again. I don't even know what I've done, I feel like such an ignorant mess  I don't know how I'm meant to pick myself up again, but I know it's worth it because I have to, because I've got a job to do looking after my family. I want to cry and cry it out now. I notice what I've done, I'm disgusted at myself. I need to balance and I'll give it time, I'll try to change 

I've been reading his book and not making sense of it. My very sincere apologies.

I'm having rapid eye movement in the day and my mind is somewhere else. I'm wandering through a forest searching for a little boy and screaming because I can't find him. I lost him, they tricked me and I lost him.

I always wanted to find him and accept him and apologise for what happened but it was hush hush, don't talk about it, think about it. We can't talk or think about anything now.

I've kicked myself into a frenzy. I just wanted to help myself which was wrong. I'm pleading with myself forgive yourself and all the pieces of yourself that are vulnerable.

I know defensive parts can see that, I know protective parts can see that so I'm just pleading that in the end it will calm for me and the lost one, who ever he is, wherever he is. And I hope I'll be able to get well again, because I'm owed that.

I'm finding sleep difficult at the moment. Tend to wake up a lot in the night and in a hypervigilant state every morning. I'm feeling like my mind has been over processing. Causes so much stress at the start of every day. Not sure how to change that.

I found myself in a state today. I managed to sit down and zoom into the sofa and remember a traumatic memory. It was going there deliberately during an EF,  understanding why I felt so scared with my logical adult mind. I managed because I was physically safe and because I allowed myself to go there.

It was very upsetting in that moment,  but so much better after. It took active control and was tough but was really helpful. Not sure if anyone else uses this or if this is usual anyway. Feel that bit lighter now 

Just wondering if anyone had thoughts on what helps to change around you to help with what's going on inside you.

I've been given flowers which is nice, just cheers me up a bit. Been trying to chill out more but my body isn't really able to relax at this stage. Putting more effort in (although trying too hard is obviously not helpful).

How do you deal with these? I've been dissociating so much lately, I'm really not able to focus or remember what I'm meant to do. Lots of triggers going on for me at the moment. Sorry (this feels like a backwards step and I'm panicking a bit).

I have these sometimes. I think they're flashbacks of dissociation, they come back like intrusions sometimes during moments when I'm irritated/upset.

I suppose I need to feel "comfortable" with a therapist. I don't know how I'm going to do this...

Deleted.