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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Fed up
« on: October 19, 2018, 03:27:49 PM »

Feeling under pressure and threatened

I changed job recently. It was a gruelling interview, and I couldn't seem to say the right thing.  They wanted someone to deal with all sorts of billing.  They even mentioned training me on the difficult billing and me meeting the companies who supply us with the work, as a bit of marketing - to show how efficient were are.

Despite having a terrible interview, I got the job.  Being very unhappy at my job, I jumped at the chance.

On my first day, the guy that was training me, was rushing. So, I kept asking that he slow down and let me do the work on the computer (I find that I remember things better).  He just kept on.  Thankfully, the next day someone else trained me  - and I picked it up really well.

Since then, the guy who trained me on day one is the only one who has trained me (he's the only one who knows that information).  I find him very snooty, and reluctant to give information.  Sometimes, I need to ask three or four questions to get the full story, he doesn't volunteer information readily.

A few weeks ago, this guy said that he was going to do the difficult bills.  So I spoke to my team leader. She agreed that as far as she was aware, I was supposed to be doing them.

It's taken a few weeks, but its been decided that he is to do this difficult work.  This really triggered me: feeling passed over, inadequate and powerless. However, I reasoned that I didn't really ever l want the responsibility, especially as I can make mistakes and I'm phobic of mistakes.

What made it worse, is that three or four of the other tasks are already dealt with by other people. So I spoke to my team leader to point this out.   I wanted it to be reflected in my training record. I don't want to be criticised at appraisal time. I pointed out that the job had changed/shrunk from what was discussed at the interview. She said as long as I was happy, then she I'd happy with what I'm doing.  And if I run out of work, she'd find me more work.

Then today, a colleague, who does a different type of billing, referred to when she was going to learn my kind of billing.  Also referred to another task that I thought I was going to be doing.  I feel fed up.  Everyone seems to be wanting a piece of my job.

It's passed my probationary period, but I've not yet had my review. My team leader is now on maternity leave. So it's not possible to speak with her.  I can raise it with her cover, but she'll not know much as she's only been here a few weeks.

On top of all this, I'm making mistakes. I'm petrified they'll sack me. Most are simple ones - g typos, wrong dates, not noticing stuff.   These things I can correct.  But I've made a couple of errors that have been spotted.  So I'm worried that someone is going to tell me off. That'd be quite triggering.

I try not to rush, but I there is an extensive backlog, that was there when I started the job.  I try and check everything, but I'm still making a few mistakes.  I try and say to myself that compared to the work that I do, it's a low amount.  But I just feel that I can't do right for doing wrong.  My memory is terrible. Because I feel so emotional and wound up, I'm finding it hard to focus.

I've spoken to my husband, and he thinks I'm over reacting.  But I feel that wherever I work, I will be manipulated, walked over, inner appreciated, bullied.  Also, that no matter what I do, I'm make mistakes, which trigger me, and made people think I'm incompetent and can't be trusted with any responsibility. 

Given previous bad experiences, I'm sensitive and go into freeze mode.  I then either fester, it deal with the situation badly - looking like I'm over semi-emotional, highly stung or irrational.  Add usually this ends with me not getting what I want, because I look like I can't cope.

Sorry for the ramble, I'm not feeling very logical at the moment. 

I'm feeling like I'm constantly hyperaroused all the time. 

Hi all

I've come here, mainly, to vent.

I've been struggling for about 10 days with a really intense bout of shame.  It's just sitting there making me feel bad and very, very raw inside.

I tend to feel shameful very easily anyway, but every so often it gets to this level.   

This bout has been triggered by my new job.  Everyone is younger than me, so I feel a little insecure about my age.  I clearly don't fit in the same way as everyone else.   And why would I? I'm at least 15 years older than everyone.  I keep telling myself that it's okay. But slowly being on the outside had gotten to me.

The unsettled feeling had grown.  And given I have zero self confidence it's hard to balance the negative feelings.  And then the internalized voice of my mother kicks off.

My mum was always obsessed with how we looked.  She used to criticize me.  I dressed badly. I was overweight. I wasn't stylish.  I had terrible posture, and she used to call me names to urge me to correct this.  I felt lousy about myself.

I've never really liked clothes.  I was more off a rock chick or a goth.  I wasn't allowed to be like that.  It was stupid or childish.  But I really liked it, but felt ashamed to be myself. 

I never know what I should be, how I should dress.  I never seem to have enough clothes, or the right clothes. 

I did try discussing this in therapy this week.  She was somewhat helpful. Suggesting that because I've never been myself then that's where the conflict is.  That once I'm comfortable with myself, then the shame will go.

I kinda understand what she is saying, but I didn't feel that she helped me deal with the shame really.

I really, really do feel ashamed of being me.  This is from childhood (thanks to my violent and aggressive borderline father) and from adulthood (thanks to an emotionally unavailable overbearing and deeply judgmental mother).

I find it hard to be myself, mainly due to the voice from my mother (who passed away two years ago).  How do I break free from that voice? How do I deal when other people when they sound like her?

I do journal. I keep a note of successes, of positives and things I achieve. This usually keeps the anxiety at bay.  I also keep note if things that I approve about myself. This is an attempt to self validate.But at the moment the shame is winning.

I've also noticed that in craving attention.  This is because I'm so desperate for approval. I've even thought about making contact with old acquaintances - people who would probably be unhealthy to be around. There are reasons that I cut them off before, they were negative for me.. But I'm feeling so low, that they seen appealing now. 

Thanks for listening

General Discussion / Scapegoat
« on: August 24, 2018, 06:15:04 AM »

I have just stumbled across this term: scapegoating.   It's a revelation.  It makes so much sense to me that this is what my family did to me!!

Does anyone else have experience of this? 

Following my mother's death and work I've done over the last few years,  this happens less often.  However,  how do I heal and recover from this.

Many thanks

General Discussion / Inner Critic....Whilst I sleep
« on: August 16, 2018, 06:59:02 AM »

I've never really had true nightmares. Not the kind where you're reliving a situation or horrible event. I do get allegorical or symbolic dreams. Where the events are similar to past experiences.  So, there'll be lots of rejection and abandonment and things related to my emotional abuse.  The worse thing about these dreams is the underlying emotions and messages about me.  Thankfully they don't happen often.

What I've found is happening a lot recently is that in the early hours I'm half waking up with my brain racing. I'm having intrusive thoughts/automatic negative thoughts.  It's like my inner critic has been at work whilst my conscious mind has been asleep. Does that make sense?

What makes it worse is at that time of day you are at your least rational.  I call it "4 o'clock in the morning thinking".  I assume it's because your hormones are at a low ebb and your brain functions differently, but everything seems differently at that hour.  I've often ruminated myself senseless at that time of day, only for things to be totally different in the morning when I'm much more rational.

What is happening is I'm going about my day and feeling okay. It's pretty challenging with my new job and all those new interactions.  I'm keeping my positive journal and recording my successes and achievements.  And generally doing ok.

But during the night my inner critic is seeing things differently and when I stir I'm finding it difficult to deal with the things they tell me.  This leads to a disturbed two or three hours. And I'm very anxious in the first few hours of the day.

Last night I tried telling the inner critic that they are brutal at that time of day.  I tried shifting my focus by counting my breaths.  Eventually I went back to sleep.

This has only happened sporadically before but Is happening frequently with my new job. I obviously feel threatened and inadequate.

But how to silence the inner citric when it's happening whilst I'm asleep?

Many thanks

General Discussion / Myers Briggs - any other INFJs here?
« on: August 15, 2018, 05:04:34 PM »

Just curious, are there any other INFJs on the forum?

For those that don't know, this one of the categories in the Myers Briggs (personality) Type Indicator.  There are four categories and two types in each category. So there are a possible of 16 combinations.

I've taken on line tests several times and always come out as INFJ. Tests and explanations of each category can be found on the net.

I'm not sure how accurate or relevant the test is. But I do seem to fit the INFJ category quite well. And I've wondered if that's the way my experiences have shaped me rather than some inherent personality type.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Ramblings and ruminations
« on: July 28, 2018, 04:38:50 PM »

I've been feeling the ruminations building for a few days.  I'd done a pretty decent job of acknowledging that my thoughts had gone in to overdrive and managed to ignore them.

But yesterday they came crashing in.  I'm fat. I'm old. I'may ugly. I'm too proud and bigheaded.   Etc.......

I just felt unworthy.   A bad person.

I carried on about my day but acknowledged that this was my conditioning coming out.

Then my teenage daughter, who has been testing me for a week, triggered me.  She made me feel like I was worthless and so I lost my temper and shouted at her.  She (obviously) shouted back at me.  And so it escalated into a scene.

I walked away.   I thought I'd bring my husband in, for a family meeting.   I tried talking calming to be greeted by immense attitude, anger and resentment from her.   This made me feel worse. But then I saw my husband was clearly not interested - not looking at us and wondering around the room looking at nothing in particular.   That was it! I felt totally worthless.

I turned on my husband.   He retaliated.   Then my husband and my daughter both started to shout at me and argue me down.   They would not listen. I felt unloved and unlovable.   

I stormed out but returned.  My husband apologised.   I tried to explain that I need him to back me up but he just wants to shut me up so he can avoid confrontation.   He looked crushed. I felt like I'd bullied him and my daughter.  I felt like I'd acted irrationally and that no one understood me. I felt like I was manipulative.  In short I felt like I was someone with BPD. I felt like I'd acted like a mad-man. Or worse like my dad.

In the end the whole thing lasted less than an hour.  But it's preyed on my mind since. 

I've had flashbacks to other upsetting times.   It's reminded me of how unsupported I feel.  Of the times I've been disappointed, passed over or rejected.  It sucks

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Feeling disconnected
« on: July 17, 2018, 06:57:30 AM »
It's just got me.  :stars:

I'm getting overwhelmed. My new job....

I had a vivid dream last night about my new job. Everyone was getting along well without me. They all knew what to do. They were all gathered in the  canteen for coffee, and in the dream I didn't even know we had a canteen [in the real world we don't have a canteen].  The feelings I had in this dream we're overwhelming...sadness, loneliness, and feeling a failure.  The feelings are still with me.

I think it's just hitting me that I've left familiar surroundings - although they were unhappy surroundings.  I feel all at sea, hence the dream.  My world had changed so much in two years, and I've lost so many connections. And whilst most of those connections were toxic it's disorienting at the moment to feel so isolated and exposed.

General Discussion / Self administered EMDR
« on: July 16, 2018, 01:36:15 PM »
Hi  :cheer:

I have a feeling this question may divide opinion.   :aaauuugh:

Is it possible to administer EMDR to yourself at home?

There are couple of reasons I ask. Firstly, because I would like a way of calming myself and getting rid of that angst that can build through the day.  I think if I could do that, and diffuse the pain before it becomes stored as additional trauma that would be good.   

I had EMDR during integrated therapy about four years ago.  That lady seemingly no longer practices.  I am having therapy at the moment and have been seeing this lady for almost a year.  She does not do EMDR.  I don't really want to have treatment from two people - because I can't really afford two fees.  I don't feel like swapping my current therapist as I am just building my relationship with her.  Starting from scratch with someone else for treatment is very hard work. Therefore, if I could use techniques at home that would help, that would be great.

When I had EMDR before, she used theratappers - little devices that you hold in your hand that buzz from one hand to the other.  It was quite, well, therapeutic.  I really found that they soothed me.  I even thought about buying myself some -  but they were over 100.  The therapist suggested that I do tapping instead (kind of like emotional freedom technique). 

I wondered if I took 5 or 10 minutes each day and did the tapping (by gently tapping on my collarbone in a slow and alternating pattern) if that would help.  I know someone who had EMDR and he used to simply tap her shoulders in a slow alternating pattern, instead of using a pendulum, theratappers or a moving light etc. So my method would be similar.   

For anyone who is concerned that I would not be supervised by an expert......I would not be processing any deep trauma, just the tension that has build through the day.   I would intend to leave my deep trauma to my counselling sessions.  As I said before this is to stop the tension building and overwhelming me.  I also thought it may stop me ruminating on the events of the day.

Does anyone else have any ideas or thoughts.

Thanks for your time.

Snookie  :wave:

General Discussion / Trauma specialist?
« on: July 12, 2018, 06:09:10 AM »

I've had loads of therapy over the years.  Some private and some on NHS. 

I've never had a diagnosis  (which is something I'm obsessed about tbh  but I've already posted about that).  The NHS discharged me saying my anxiety and low mood were cause by life experiences.   My T constantly refers to the experiences of rejection and abandonment I've had. But no diagnosis.

My T is person centred/humanistic/relational.  She's helped....and lots.   But  I often find she looks bored and tends not to say much.  And she's moved myou appointment twice and cancel the lastest one (so that's messed my last three appointments).

I've looked for a trauma therapist in my area. But can't find anyone who deals with c-ptsd. They do ptsd or "trauma" but that's quite vague.

I'm in Leeds UK.  Anyone got any recommendations?   The NHS discharged me and given the amount of treatment I've had they are unlikely to offer any more.

Is there any benefit to seeing a c-ptsd therapist. What can they offer that my current T can't?

I can't sleep.  :blink:

It's been my first day at my new job. It's been great not having all the garbage from my old job to deal with (lots of hassle and emotional baggage).

People were okay with me. I'm really pleased that I didn't freak.  I'm in a room of 10 people, and that kinda stressed me before I started, but it felt okay.

Been off I a meeting room for some one to one training. I asked for the trainer to allow me to do some of the work and watch me. That way he could guide me when I'm stuck or correct me when I've gone wrong.  He kinda of ignored me and said he was just given the work to do when he was trained. I commented that he probably knew where everything was on the system by then add he was doing other work there already. I pressed, and he seemed to be going to do that, then just trained me some more.

I've convinced myself that I'll be expected to get on with it.  i can't remember everything I was shown in three hours of training.  And it's different when you watch someone click here, and click there, to when you're having to do it, remembering which system/database/program your using, and how to do it together with all the little finicky bits you've got to do.

I'm supposed to be sitting with someone else tomorrow. I'm hoping that would make me feel differently.

I feel a little annoyed at the trainer's lack of understanding though.

And now I have intrusive negative thoughts running around my head. So I can't sleep. :blowup:

I'm starting to hate myself..

I keep saying it's only day one.

I know given time, I'll pick it all up. And run with it. But at the moment I feel pathetic  :fallingbricks:


You know those times that you've just had enough of people. Or when you are super triggered. Or you notice that you've had a cortisol overload and you emotions are running on high alert.  You get the idea?  Well how do you counteract that? How do you unwind? Self soothe?

I do the following (when possible)

* Get some alone/quiet time
* Journal - it helps park all those emotions
* Sleep - it's cheap and can reboot your mind etc
* Get in some comfortable clothes (such as PJs)
* Curl up in a blanket
* Cuddle a hot water bottle
* Essential oils or a nice body lotion (musky fragrances are my fave)
* Herbal teas
* Mindfulness
* A brisky walk
* A shower
* Food/chocolate (although I'm a comfort eater - so this can be a bad habit.
* Listen to music. Classical music is soothing
*Cuddle a soft toy (I don't usually do soft toys, but had my daughter buy me specifically for this reason)
* Stroke my pet cat - or watch cat videos on YouTube
* Post on here

Does anyone have any others that they would like to offer.

I find I can soothe up until a point, but if I at my limit then I simply shut down and nothing works.  Any ideas what to try then.

General Discussion / Diagnosis - in UK
« on: June 20, 2018, 07:06:25 AM »

I know that there is much debate in the mental health community about the merits of having a diagnosis.  I understand that there can be stigma with having (certain) mental health conditions. However, despite twenty plus years of being in the system, of periodically having treatment, I've never been offered a diagnosis.

I have asked. I was told that it's the treatment that matters.  As treatment in the UK is essentially free, my options are limited. If the medical practitioner won't offer a diagnosis, they won't.

I've been told by IAPT (a kind of referral agency) that is unlikely that anyone will see me to diagnose me - they will only offer treatment.

I've made enquiries in the private sector and they're only interested in signing me up for a set number of sessions of treatment.

I've had extensive treatment over the years. 2 X counselling, one lot of psychodynamic therapy, integrated therapy, and 2 X ,CBT.  I'm currently paying for humanistic/relational counselling (she's avoided diagnosis too). 

I recently managed to get referred to the NHS psychology team. They have discharged me - they could only offer me nine weeks of counselling.  The closet I got to a diagnosis was that my issues she caused by my history, the inconsistent parenting and bad life experiences.

So my question is, to those of you in the UK, how did you get a diagnosis?

I would like to know because, after all the problems that I've had, it would be satisfying to have a name for what's going on.  It would give me peace of mind.

Many thanks


General Discussion / Dealing with people
« on: June 05, 2018, 05:47:20 AM »
I've been ruminating this morning. Replaying memories and scenarios from the past. It's made me feel like a bad person.

I felt that it must be me. That not all those people are in the wrong. I am.

What I came to realise is that what is "wrong" is that I'm really bad at dealing with people. I'm not good at dealing with confrontation; difficult situations; intense situations. And this is due to my past: my C-PTSD.

I felt that life would be much easier if I didn't have those situations and I didn't have to deal with people.  It makes sense of why I'm avoidant.

Recovery Journals / Snook's recovery journal
« on: June 04, 2018, 02:15:35 PM »
I thought that this would be beneficial.  To have some kind of journal going.  If nothing else, but to dump those thoughts and feelings somewhere.


I have been bouncing around the mental health system in the UK for 23 years.  After several bouts of therapy and CBT I am just realizing that it could be trauma at the root.  I had a emotionally and mentally abusing father and I was often witness to, and occasionally a victim of physical domestic violence.  I have always found relationships difficult.  I adored my mother, but she left when I was 16 (leaving me with my father).  I made my own way for a long time, but when I was in my mid twenties I moved back to live with her. 

As mothers do, she disapproved of some things I did.  I don't dress properly.  My hair isn't right.  I need to loose weight.  etc..... And when I used to dress a Goth or Rock Chic in my late teens! OMG she was not happy. 

Things became worse when my daughter was born, and then I could not do anything right.  When she looked after my daughter she would let her do anything! She would not make her do the things that she should do - brush her teeth, eat her greens, go to bed etc....   I understand all grandparents are like that, but she would tell me off when I made her do those things.  Telling me I was strict!  She made me feel a bad person and an awful mother.

My daughter soon learned to manipulate the situation - and as she grew up she would look to my mum for support.    My husband would often ignore all of this - and tell me that I should ignore it too.

One day I caught my mum actually lying just so my daughter got her way.  Then for the first time, I realised that I was not in the wrong.  I was being manipulated. 

A symptom of all this upset and trauma is that I am easily intimidated and overwhelmed.  I struggle to cope at work and have moved from job to job.   I always feel that I am running away though.

General Discussion / Job interview v treatment
« on: May 29, 2018, 12:33:48 PM »
Hi all

Just wanting advice/opinions.

I have a job interview this week.  To put things into perspective the industry I work in is very small, with approximately 10 firms in the local area.  I also work part time and need to earn what I earn.  So to find a job at an alternative firm, with the right hours, and right pay is lucky. 

My current employer has been dreadful, but in the last 12 months they've tolerated my anxiety and even paid 300 towards treatment.  But I'm still very unhappy there.

I've been on the NHS waiting list to see the psychology team for over 7 months. The assessment will take place over 3 weekly appointments.  The first one is next week but it's during working hours and my current employer is allowing me to take time off (and I won't have to make the time up)

If I was lucky enough to get the job, I will feel conflicted. I don't intend to discuss my anxiety at the interview (unless specifically asked).  If I hand my notice in, I'm scared that my current employer will become awkward about allowing me time off for my psych appointment  What do I do if I am recommended treatment, I may need to tell my new employer.

I'm not sure what the psychology team can recommend.  They've already said that I won't be offered CBT or counselling.  What else can they offer on the NHS?  EMDR? DBT?  Something else? 

One of the main reasons I'd like to see it through with the psychology team is in the hope of getting some diagnosis.

It'll be difficult to rearrange the appointment too - they offer you a slot and that's your slot.  If you don't turn up, you're of of the list. If you miss an appointment, whether you tell them or not, that counts towards your total number of appointments.  So they're quite strict.

I'm also worrying that I'll be rubbish at the new job...etc.

I'm really unsure what to do.  :fallingbricks:

I think I'll go to the interview. See how that goes.  Then hopefully be able to hold off any decision until I've had my first appointment with the psychology team.

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