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Very interesting book about "betrayal blindness" theory, how and why people who are betrayed and people who witness it seem to be so blind to it.

Some parts of it are hard to read but in a good way. For example, it suggests what might be happening to a child when the caregiver they're attached to and depend on is betraying them, and how it's their own blindness of the betrayal that helps them survive it. Really turned on its head my tendency to see my confusion as weakness.
It got me thinking and understanding abusers' accomplices / flying monkeys' blindness better, and also my own swiss cheese memory.

https://www.amazon.com/Blind-Betrayal-Ourselves-Arent-Fooled/dp/0470604409/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1533240789&sr=8-1&keywords=blind+to+betrayal

Among other things, it shows emotional abuse in is just as dangerous as other types of abuse. 

https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/tra-a0037766.pdf

Here's an interesting article from Reuters about it, with an interview with the head researcher (all from 2014):

https://www.reuters.com/article/us-psychological-abuse-children/for-kids-psychological-abuse-may-leave-the-deepest-scars-idUSKCN0ID1OQ20141024

It isn't published yet but it seems interesting, and written by people who know about cptsd. It's for therapists but I'll probably read it just the same. I'm forced to be my own therapist so I might as well know what I'm doing for my client 
The title alone may be good news, I think. Just the thought that finally there's some awareness of emotional abuse may be a step forward. 

https://www.guilford.com/books/Treating-Adult-Survivors-Childhood-Emotional-Abuse-Neglect/Hopper-Grossman-Spinazzola-Zucker/9781462537297/authors

I talked to two people in lots of pain lately, they were as different as could be from one another but they were both suffering. I noticed for a moment, they each had the exact same expression on their face: completely open and visible, like they forgot their guard. Like they were being seen and for a second they let go.

It was gone in a split second but I thought: Oh No, this must be what abusers see in others.

On me it had a sobering effect. It made me doubly cautious and gentler, but I guess an abuser would see it as a prize as a golden opportunity.
It sort of helped me understand that odd fire I can see in sadists' eyes just before they attack. We may not be aware of these moments, but they are. Maybe.

I used to think losing hope and losing faith in people would be crushing, that nothing would lie beyond it. I'd be like a dead scorched desert. But some terrible things have happened to me in the past few months that were worse than previous experiences, and I gave up.

I'm not well to put it mildly, but I survived. It's not a good thing to survive this sort of thing I guess, but my opinion wasn't required. And it doesn't matter. It wasn't earth shattering for me personally either, it was banal. I guess I realized I was naive and eventually stopped wishing, hoping, dreaming, fantasizing, asking, imagining.

It strengthened a sort of split in me, where there's a part of me that responds the second it recognizes someone else's pain, that cares deeply about others' pain. But that's where it ends.

I guess I'm not sure I think much of it, which is ironically the point too. So I don't see any point in trying hard to change my emotions. But I wanted to ask what others thought.
(It's the old split again... I don't see why my situation matters, but I see why yours does, and why your thoughts do.)

[Stalking the soul]

Called Stalking the soul (translated from French, written in the 90's I think?) by Marie-France Hirigoyen.

It's not a new book but fascinating and unlike others I've read.
The writer describes this type of abuse when it happens in the family between partners / by parents toward their children, at work, everywhere. She calls emotional abusers "perverse" which I think may be the most accurate description I've come across.
She says a lot that really struck a cord and made a lot of sense to me. Very interesting book.

I've stopped SI about two decades ago. It was driving my self hatred power-crazy so I decided to quit cold turkey and ignored all urges to repeat it, till the urges all subsided over the years. It was rough but totally successful.

But there's another level of SI I can't do much about, it's uncontrollable, passive, unconscious: I bite my gums, not hard enough to do any real harm or even register as "SI" in my mind because it doesn't really hurt. It's maybe more a control thing, like a pet gently biting you just to make a point, not to hurt you. Maybe.

A dentist noticed it a few years ago and advised me to "lower my stress levels", naive advice that left me newly guilty. As though you can just say to yourself "Stress begone!" and ride toward the sunset, no circumstances beyond one's control (according to a self-satisfied doctor with a family and security, yeah, I guess there aren't any. For them "stress" is possibly a matter of choice, yoga and bubble baths). But I was docile, I was a good patient so I tried hard. I dutifully fought my body and felt mad at myself whenever I noticed I "failed", but finally gave up. It seemed counter-productive, just fed self hatred.

Eventually I decided to leave my body alone - it seems to know what it's doing. It is what it is. I don't like it, but it's a mechanism that's out of my control, like sneezing. And maybe the body knows best. After all, it's got 5 billion years of evolution under its belt and I've just got one dentist and guilt to guide me. Maybe.

I guess there's also something to be said for a tortured body being tortured. I know I'm tortured; knowing it can't stop it, reality isn't all in one's head, it's objectively out there, sadly for the tortured.

It's too easy to engage in endless victim blaming and to tell myself it's weakness, but I overcame all overt, conscious, active SI for good with no help and withstood every desire to relapse. I changed my conscious habits in the long term, so I'm not sure "weakness" fits well either.

I guess my habits could have been transformed into a gentler form of SI, but there my doubt is whether SI, by definition, is something that you do. If it isn't something that one does, if it's something that is happening to you, is it SI? Not much "self" in the SI left, just "injury", maybe.

Just wondering if anyone else has these levels of SI too.

I extremely rarely see people anymore. But when I do, they either attack me (usually) or try to encourage me (very uncommon, sweet but hysterically hilarious) in the least effective ways possible. Frankly, I'm not sure one is better than the other. The first leaves me with more EF's than the second, but just slightly more.
I've started a list of attempted ways to encourage a suffering person (because there's of course no such thing as suffering) with the best of intentions but very little wisdom. So far I've got:

1. But you look great! Color in your cheeks! You're full of life!
    (Erm, that's what make-up is for, right? You realize it hides things?)
2. But aren't you used to it by now?
    (Short answer: no. Long answer: no, I'm not.)
3. Don't worry, people don't die from what you've got. They just suffer a lot.
    (Untrue, and just a little creepy to be honest. Would you find endless misery comforting?)
4. You just complain and complain. You'll outlive us all.
    Variations on same theme: My sister died at age X, people die young in my family, I've got the genes for wobbly toes, yours is nothing! (Detailed long story follows)
5. You take less pain killers, I saw you! You're getting better! Busted!
    (Yeah, cause when I pop a pill in your presence you glare at me like I just swallowed the devil. Medicine makes sick people better. Medicine good. Pain bad. Repeat after me.)
6. I just wish your mood improved.
    (If I said "Yay!!! I'm sick and dying and in agony 24/7!!! Happy!" with a huge grin I'd still be sick. And incidentally, nuts)
7. You won't join us? Hmm, homebound, you say? Well, well. Let me know if you change your mind, eh?
8. Yes, well. Hmm. When you feel better, let me know. And if you change your mind -
9. Disabled, you say? Well, if you change your mind...
10. That time after I sprained my back and had a spiritual awakening and then I got special powers from the universe, I realized I can heal people. So listen, I can heal you. You may get a bit of cognitive side effects afterward though.
      (Like what exactly, word salad? Memory problems? Saying to a dying cripple who's been and is abused that the universe chooses to bestow special powers on temporary, spontaneously healed sprains with a straight face?)
11. But don't you want to ___ ___ ___ ? (fill in the blanks with anything from washing by yourself to completing a Post Doc, to reaching old age, to not writhing in pain, to not being asked that)
      (I need a Bang Head Against Wall gland replacement)


A friend I once had once told me if you really must think, thinking well seems better. Ah well. Rare, that.

I was wondering if anyone else had other pearls of silliness that were offered to you with good intentions.
(I could use the comic relief)

Thought this might be an interesting read about depersonalization:

"Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart: A Buddhist Perspective on Wholeness"
By Mark Epstein (a psychiatrist and therapist).

It was for me, gave me a lot to think about. As I was reading it I noticed my usual high level of stress about being a freak (for feeling unreal) was smaller and smaller and I was actually able to think about what the writer was suggesting with less of a screaming ICr and no self blame or shame. Any book that manages to do that deserves high praise, methinks.

I've been noticing more and more that my anger isn't related to other people at all, even when I feel angry at someone I'm actually full of self hatred.
My self hatred overflows and then I can't tolerate anyone else. I'm not seeing them at all. I'm just feeling I'm too evil to exist, so I can't stand others because all I want is to disappear. To be gone from the world. I wish I weren't there, and then in their movements and their speech and behavior they leave me so triggered, any interaction hurts so much.

I don't know if I really have an outer critic. Right now it seems to me my outer critic is a type of inner critic.

When I notice my self hatred my anger toward the other person evaporates. Not my self hatred though, OH NO  it buries me under but oh well. 99999999999999999999999 down, one to go? Or is it the other way round?

I do hate one thing: I hate being warped like this. I hate being taught hatred. I hate that my heart, if I weren't hated and neglected and abused from day 1 to now including today, wouldn't have known this emotion. It could have been big and I could have done a lot of good. Never do bad. Instead I turned into nothing. There's nothing. Waste of a life. I'm not just told I waste oxygen, I do waste oxygen. It sounds harsh but that doesn't mean it can't be true too. All my potential has turned into a scorched desert and the people who did it enjoy stomping on it and reminding me of it any way they can. 

But I don't hate a single living being, I don't hate my most sadistic abusers. It's not that I like them (YRGH!) - I feel... well, I think that's the saddest tribute to how atrocious emotional abuse can be.

When I was 2 years old I used to chat to adults who seemed sad, sit next to them and give them loving nicknames, interview them about their lives, ask if they had kids I could meet.
I used to stand up to my F and try to save my siblings every single time, even though I always lost the battle and my siblings never, ever did the same for me despite being twice or three times my size. They watched me being hurt with blank, empty eyes.

Taking a baby born with that sort of character and breaking her and grinding her into dust is...

Not sure where to put this  but I thought here would make sense.

So, sigh, people like saying pain is your fault. They like the oldie but goodie "it's your karma, you should lovingly accept it" and other similar things but the worst I heard was an admired spiritual figure who just openly said to me "You need to understand that it's your fault. It didn't just happen for no reason. You may be trying to do good things now, but you need to realize that nothing is happening to you for no reason, you caused this."
Acknowledged people are lying about me but turned it right back to me and said it's my doing.

I've been chewing on it, EF'ing on it, trying to throw it out of my system but it stuck like a plague. For a few reasons, maybe..? One is it was said by an authority figure and shaking off my implicit respect for them would be so painful. I'd much rather beat myself up and see them in a positive light. But I'm failing and trapping myself in such a cognitive dissonance I can't get out.

It's also hard because when I look around, I do see cause and effect all the time. Am I blind? Trying to ignore reality the moment it doesn't suit me?
I try to separate supposed responsibility from blame but I can't. Nobody ever sees anything good in me. Only bad. If you knew me and heard all the smear campaigns about me you would too.

I don't think I could say something like "It's your fault" to an abuse victim, let alone continued, non stop, lifelong abuse. Let alone in front of the abusers. But maybe I just don't understand the complexities and subtleties involved. Maybe I simply can't see any of my own faults and so on.

It just goes overboard and turns into a message of absolute hatred because saying that to someone who was told from birth they should never have been born is like pouring gasoline onto a flame. Or maybe saying it to just about anyone would be painful, but doing it to someone who's clearly got as much self confidence as a crumpled lettuce leaf is.... is.... I don't know what it is.

My self hatred loves this. It's not just a field day for ICr, it's paradise. But I also feel bad if I just shake off an argument because it hurts me or triggers me. That's a really biased reason to disagree with something.

I guess I'm asking: what do you think?
I've been trying to get out of this dead end for a long time now but I can't crawl out. Everything I can see is blocked.

[very]

Had such a strange experience in the past few days.
I had to talk to one of my least favorite abuser accomplices who has been hurting me with relish for over a decade, and it was so different from any time I spoke to this person in the past. After a few years of absolute silence and withdrawal, they may not have changed but I really did change, apparently.

I saw really clearly how... well, sorry to say this but just how stupid, deeply blind and stupid they are. They're not sadistic, just so stupid. So limited. So habituated. So repetitive. Without any glimmer of change.

I used to think it was all me, kept begging and hoping to be forgiven for some horrible sin I must have committed to be treated so hatefully. But to be honest, I saw relatively little of myself in the conversation we had this time.
I was quite open, the topic wasn't a happy one but I was direct and the response was blunt. Over and over.
At some point, to my surprise, it was so blunt and repetitive and silly that I just raised my voice (Me? Raise my voice at people? Who ever heard of such a thing?) ever so slightly and said in a constrained sort of way that this makes little sense, reality is such and such, I'm sorry but that's where I am and what they're asking is unattainable.
We ended the conversation without me trying to be forgiven for setting this boundary or wanting to die for knowing it was never seen. Things that were said and would have left me crushed by my self loathing a couple of years ago left me disgusted, thinking darkly "What? Trying to manipulate me into feeling guilty and thinking I'm evil in such a transparent way? Yuck, ma'am."

Really very ugly conversation that left me reeling. But still.

Conflict is still atrociously painful for me, and having to anticipate talking to this person left me very anxious, but this was a liberating one in a way. Never knew how deeply flawed OTHER people are. I don't mean unkind, or selfish, I mean just ... well...        Huh...? Are they really THAT stuck in their own little skulls of sadness? Was I always so terrified of them that I didn't even see they're so unworthy all on their own, unrelated to my unworthiness?

Odd experience. Not sure what to think.

This is something I'm so ashamed of that I've been having a hard time trying to write about it here.

People seem to talk about NC as an empowering experience. Painful, but necessary and a source of inner strength and growth. I guess to me it also has a deeper, evil side to it that I can barely tolerate.

I was wondering if anyone else feels this way.

No contact is extremely triggering to me, it sends me into endless spins of flashbacks. Just remembering it can be torturous. Any mention of FOO lately is like knives in my heart.

Part of it is probably that I've always had very low contact with FOO. At a certain point not long ago I turned it into no contact but I never formally said so to FOO, because I saw no point in saying anything, there's no one to tell. I'd have just been ignored by some and viciously attacked by others (not sure which is worse, ignored is worse, I think) so I just said nothing ever again.
Most of FOO said nothing right back. Some attacked even harder for a while when they realized I was even more distant than ever.

So to my ICr, it feels like mutual NC. As though while I don't talk to them, they don't talk to me either for the same reasons. And this thought feeds my self hatred so strongly I can barely take it.

I won't talk to FOO again, so I won't get attempted relief by fawning and begging them to forgive me (though I've caught myself wanting to, more than once).

I think of NC and I feel as though I turned things around in my head and all along it was FOO who had to cut ties with me, because I'm unbearable, evil and monstrous.

I think: "So... all the advice in the books you read lately that explains NC? This is what they're doing with you. They've gone NC with you. See how revolting you are that they've had to resort to this?"

Or as they've told me some years back before I stopped having contact with them, in a perfectly sensible tone: "If we invited you to the family reunion we'd have a problem, see? Then your siblings would refuse to enter the room because you'd filthy it with your presence." or something to that effect.
I tell myself speaking to me that way my whole life is abusive, but it doesn't help much.

Not sure what I think, only that it's awful self hatred and I've been having a really hard time with it. Stuck deep in it.

[Thanks]

So, erm... it's a hard time for me lately. I feel I've lost hope  and I've been busy with my pain. But I also see there's literally no information about cptsd in my first language (not English). The little I see being written by opportunistic therapists isn't just imprecise, it's misleading and unethical and makes me uneasy.
So many people suffer and therapists and lay people alike just have no clue.

So I feel obligated to try to give someone else a bit of hope through a website.
I'm still abused all the time so I won't put my name on the site but I'll make it as comprehensive as I can, with whatever may attract someone's attention.

I was wondering: back when you didn't know about cptsd, what would you most want to know? What's the most important thing that would help you on such a site?
Or things.
And now, after reading and discussing cptsd, what would you most like to know about it still? If you could have any aspect of cptsd explored what would you choose to find out about?

Thanks  

I don't know where this fits. I guess I could just label it IC and be done with trying to figure it out, it'd maybe make sense, but I don't know what this is. This isn't just my self hatred, it's deeper than that. I'm so disgusted at my behavior my whole life. I'm so ashamed I have no words for it.

I read about narcissists and psychopaths, and c-ptsd... and I think how my whole life I kept apologizing to abusers and accomplices. Over and over and over, I asked them to forgive me. I came back for more and wrote to say I was sorry for I don't even know what. Apologized to FOO and got either totally ignored or sadistically attacked for it, and I just kept going.

Apologized to my adult abusers. One after the other. Never knew what I was apologizing for so I just guessed what my sins were and tried my best. Went out of my way to meet each one and try to patch things up. What things?.. I don't know what I thought I was doing. I was so stupid, so pathetically shameful. I thought unending abuse was a misunderstanding to be talked about? What was I thinking?

I worked up so much endless stupid, unnecessary, crazy courage to talk to each of these people. They all enjoyed it and became more sadistic than ever, naturally.
Then when they still kept telling me and showing me how much they hated me I apologized again, again, again.
I tried it with another abuser, with another flying monkey. Kept saying I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry... it kept repeating itself for years. Last time was a year ago. I'm so disgusted by it I could be sick. I'm so ashamed.

It'd be easy to label it: "I was brainwashed." "I was taught learned helplessness." "I didn't recognize I was abused." Sure I did! It felt like *. I knew perfectly well. I can't let myself off the hook with such childish excuses as though I have no responsibility or understanding.

What was I thinking? Where was I? Who was I?

Someone was just generous to me (to my surprise) and I literally feel so awful I want to crawl into a deep hole in the ground and never come out.
It's more triggering than cruelty, so much more.
Twisted brain, standing on its head! My brain sees cruelty as normal and kindness as danger? 
I feel weak, exposed, hated, despicable, pathetic, ugly, unbearable. I'm sure the person who was generous to me is now laughing at me behind my back, sitting in the car with all the others saying dreadful things about me and sniggering. Patronizing and disgusted by me.

So I thought I'd start writing this, it makes me uneasy but I keep having nightmares and flashbacks and I'm so tired so I thought I'd start with the present. Not with the past.

In the present, I'm severely physically disabled as a direct result of long term abuse and my body's deteriorating fast. I've got a couple of years left at the most or much less.
My FOO aren't aware of this, I've tried contacting them to give myself and them some small chance of saying goodbye or get closure or something like it, to let them know, but they don't care. They pretended to take it as manipulative lying on my part intended as a scam, or maybe they didn't pretend and actually believe their own lies, I don't know which. Both options are beyond my understanding really.

My father's response was "None of my business." One of the last times we talked he looked me very deeply in the eye and said carefully, savoring my response: "I don't believe you're disabled. I believe you're crazy."
And "I'm a loving dad, I keep calling and writing (he never did), you're a heartless monster who doesn't care about poor old sick dad. There's no mutuality." and "You're a waste of oxygen that should have gone to normal people, according to nature you're a mistake. You should have died long ago."


Yep, just what you want to hear.

They discarded me first when I was born, then far worse when I was a teenager who spoke up about the abuse, but I always kept trying and trying to be good enough for them... so the final No Contact from both sides  came just recently, it's still really fresh and painful.
I went No Contact, they disposed of me. Sort of the same thing, only one is based on truth and the other on lies?

No one knows my life is ending and no one cares... abusers I met as an adult made sure of that.
So, I guess I wanted to say I was, to tell the truth. I've been telling the truth my whole life and no one listened. I've recently stopped telling the truth in real life. No point. Lies won everywhere, with everyone. It's utter loneliness. Like there are no other humans on earth. 

Sometimes I'm in utter disbelief at what happened to me, at how my whole life was twisted and robbed from me. Short and so full of intense pain and sadism words fail me over and over again. Other times I'm so tired I no longer care, I just wish death not because I don't want to live, on the contrary, because I don't want a non-life anymore. And sometimes I'm almost okay with it. It is what it is. Sometimes for moments here and there I even get the tiniest glimpse of neutral feelings toward myself, a tiny glimmer of what I can feel in abundance for everybody else but me. I can't feel compassion or love for myself, but maybe I will. I hope I'll still get there.

I guess this journal will go backwards in time, it feels far less triggering than going forwards... I think? "Forwards" means very little. Maybe I'll start with the present and just go back.

So that's where I am right now. Not sure where that is, all I know is it's here.

[did]

Regret is important to me, being able to take responsibility for my actions and even my huge mistakes  
I've made enormous mistakes and things I regret so deeply. So many of them were as I was being manipulated by abusers but I regret them. I do things every day that I regret. Without regret it feels as though I stay locked in self denial and I can't really appreciate the good either... or change and learn.

But I noticed I'm really bad at it.
I slide far too easily from regret to my inner critic, self hatred and blame and guilt. I can't quite tell the difference between regret and blame.
I sit down and try to recognize a mistake or a habit I'd like to change and Wham! it turns from what I did to who I am and I'm lost again in self hatred and blame, feeding all my inner monsters.

How do you feel regret without feeding self hatred? How do you tell the difference?
What helps you? What works?

If you have no family or no place you belong at all, then I'd like to be yours. And I wanted to ask if you'd maybe like to consider joining me in making our own here...?

The familylessones. FLO? (now I'm just being silly, that's a pretty ridiculous name... )

I've got no words to say how painful it can be to be so isolated and lonely. How hard it is to trust people after a lifetime of hurt, and to know how to find the good ones who can be trusted. And sometimes it's impossible. Circumstances and things beyond our control, making it undoable for the time being or at all.

But I can control my heart so if anyone here is like me, alone, through no fault of our own but really disliking it, then you're not anymore. You've got my back.
Just wanted to say so.

If you're alone, even if you don't say anything you're on my mind and you'll be on my mind every day from now on, it's just what I feel like doing. I care just because... well... because I do.

I'm pretty triggered so I'm sorry this won't be 100% coherent. Having a bit of trouble thinking straight.

So, I think I wrote somewhere else here on the forums that I have to live with one of my past abusers. It's... I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. I've improved at setting boundaries but when I'm triggered on the spot boundaries are useless, they're not fast enough.

Just now I noticed a whole sequence of Trigger -> flashback (with all its physical and mental fun...) -> severe anxiety -> fight -> despair going on inside me. So it was really a revelation, I never saw it so clearly before. But it was also horrible because it happens daily and I feel so helpless, how do you stop it???

What happened was this person just sighed. Sounds innocuous enough, right? But to me this person's sighs are unbearable. (They love sighing too, "bless" them) The reason why it's such a bad thing for me is below, *really* triggering so I'll separate it:

.
..
...

-*Triggering*-:

This person is one of my parents. When I was small they strangled me almost to death, I lost consciousness for half an hour. From my point of view I was dead, I had experienced dying and when I woke up, alone, I experienced one of the worst mental "splits" in my life. Everyone in the house pretended nothing had happened. After all, it's perfectly normal for a kid to be lying on the kitchen floor seemingly dead for a while, right? Best to just walk away, do some gardening, maybe read a good novel before dinner. Sadly for me, I have a far too vivid memory of it. I often wished I could be spared from it by dissociation, but no, my brain wasn't that kind. So anything that reminds me of choking makes me suffer: scarves, coughing, throwing up, and of course when it's hard to breathe for me or for anyone else. And sighing. This person sighing really heavily like they're out of air just drives me crazy.

-*End of triggering stuff*-

...
..
.

Sorry it's so triggering and bad. Honest, some self hatred, but also... just... yikes. I feel awful anyone else has to be exposed to it just by reading it.

In the past I'd be totally blind to what just happened. I'd just suddenly feel horrible, fly into a silent rage, then self harm... hate myself for having no control over myself, felt like a crazy freak. But today, for the first time I could see what was happening. So none of that happened. Instead I thought "Oh no... I've just been triggered." I realized I was instantly re-living a past experience, as the person who hurt me then was in the room now in the present. I was immobilized again. I relived it all, fully. That was so unbearable my mind instantly ran away from it to rage and anxiety and self hatred and feeling I'm about to go crazy, because the pressure is too great.

This all went on inside me, with no external sign. I can't show external signs. There's no point in saying anything to the other person. I've tried in the past. The response is just a really miserable "But what did I do this time???" and often an added "Stop attacking me!" so I don't talk. I grit my teeth and try to breathe and suffer in silence, alone as usual. What I just did was walk away to another room, and physically, literally grit my teeth waiting for the other person to go away before returning. I couldn't think of anything else to do. Felt completely helpless, just tried to breathe.

A part of me, the part that can look empathically at the horribly big picture of abuse going on from generation to generation, can sort of understand them. They were severely abused by psychopathic parents, then married to a sadistic psychopath. I can feel disgusted by their lack of responsibility but ah well, I know them well and that's who they are. As usual for them, they have no memory of such events. They barely remember being abused, so abusing? Nah. Blissfully, for them, dissociation worked perfectly. Figures. Nature pitied them but not me.

I can't get away from this person, and if I'm unkind they treat me like I'm their abuser. (!!!) So I'm in a tight spot. I have a severe physical disability, I'm helpless. I have no other support system. My psychopathic parent made sure they all were convinced I'm nuts and got rid of me, and other psychopaths I met along the way in my life made sure the news spread everywhere.

So I'm trying to survive these experiences. I'd appreciate all and any advice you can give me. Insight, too. I'm trying to find some on my own but none comes.