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Thought I would share this song.  It is one of my favorite angry songs.  It is how I feel when leaving a toxic relationship.   I actually have left most of my possessions behind to leave one relationship.  I would never talk to someone like this but it reminds me why I have had to leave and why I need to continue to protect myself. Plus I  totally sympathize with the line, "I was wrong, so @$#&*@! wrong".   I have been so wrong in the past.

https://youtu.be/rBxhnp_QQY4

So this morning we were about to head out the door to get my older son to school and he has a diarhea accident. So I call the school to let them know and it is suggested that I watch him and bring him later. So  he has still been going this morning and I feel trapped.  I feel like I HAVE to get my son to school and at the same time am wondering should I even be taking him when he just went again 20 minutes ago. He doesn't have a fever but he has been having this issue for a few months. He has a yearly checkup coming up where I plan on talking to his doctor about it. The thing is I am terrified either way.  What if I take him and he has an accident at school? What if I don't take them and the school sees me as a bad mom? I already think they don't view me too well because of my son's mental health and my son repeating stuff about me not being good with money his father has told to  to the school counselor.  I am literally sitting here in fear at this moment because I feel scared either way. Or what if I get him part of the way and he has another accident?
  Last night I found myself getting annoyed and angry with my son's friend's father. Also was really uncomfortable when he brought giving out liquor bottles for Halloween to kids for their parents. I was annoyed when he seemed to be taking charge and I actually have a system for trick or treating. Angry when he decided we are done and I was not nearly done and then when he actually told his kid, "I thought everyone else was ready to go" I was pissed that he twisted reality like that. I did not completely lose it but  think I was overreacting possibly. I  good at holding in anger though so even though I was mad I kept it to myself. I mean I guess he was looking out for his kid even though I was really scratching my head over him not feeding the kid before trick or treating and him saying his 9-10 year old goes to bed at 7:30, especially when expressed exasperation that his son wakes up at 4:30. That kind of happens when a kid goes to bed too early. This guy really rubbed me the wrong way. I felt uncomfortable the whole time and I was really tempted to let him find his way back to my apartments where his car was parked and continue on with my kids.  I am probably not explaining this well but this guy set off all kinds danger signals to my brain.
  Yesterday the bus aide for my youngest son asked if she could buy stuff for him and she said, "I don't want to hurt your feelings." I immediately start thinking what did that mean and today I felt really uncomfortable and on guard with her.   What was she trying to say?
  Even sometimes posting stuff on the internet triggers me thinking I did something wrong, even on here. 
   

Not talking about my self but my ex. It has been 9 1/2 years since I left and my son says he feels like his Dad thinks everything would be better if we were still together which is absurd.  How long does it take for someone to get over it? And how does anyone even in their wildest imagination think someone should come back to them after they have repeatedly put that person down.  Sometimes it feels like he isn't even in the same reality because I don't think he had ever acknowledged the harm he has done. Well there was that one time where he admitted to having a lot of anger but it seemed like he was fishing for hook up so I don't know if that really counts. It's so creepy to me to think he has not gotten over it.  How long does it take? And why would you want someone you think is psycho and dumb? I mean will he ever get over it?   

I told my ex while we were together about being sexually abused as a child. Now I am seriously regretting it. I have emails where he shames me with it, hints that it never happened and now my son has told me when his Dad disclosed it to him that he said it made me crazy. Really? How insensitive do you have to be to do these things?  What kind of person is this to take something done to me as a child and use it in his campaign against me? It is bad enough he has used it to shame me but to use it to effect our son's thinking about me? Crazily enough he has disclosed to me he was molested in his teens and I would never dream of disclosing this to our son.  Thankfully it seems my son knows that his Dad was wrong to say it. He said it made him angry but how could someone do that?  How could anyone take a child being victimized and twist it to hurt someone?  I don't get it.

I have had more than one relationship that I have left due to abusive behaviors. I have more than one child that has been a result of these relationship so I have to share custody.  I am just going to go with the one that is in the forefront of my mind because of recent behaviors. I am wondering what I am dealing with. I have excused a lot of his behaviors due to his alcoholism and probably given him more of my compassion and empathy that he deserves. I guess I have let myself believe that he is out of control but I wonder now how much of this is calculated?

I met this guy years before we had a relationship. He seemed nice. I never saw him buy an excess of beer when he came into my work. Just a 6 pack.  He seemed charming and giving. He even bought me a birthday gift that year we met. I thought he was cool. I remember talking to him after he lost a job and him telling me that he was fired for "creating a hostile environment". This didn't match what I knew about him so I didn't think much of him. What I know now leads me to believe that it was true. Anyway we didn't get together until a few years after we met. Again he seemed generous sending me money, buying me flowers. His drinking did not appear to be a problem and he seemed to care about my two kids. I was slightly annoyed that time he started explaining to me how to use a screwdriver before he left town but I laughed it off. I remember at least one time where he was in a bad enough mood that I took the kids out to give him time to cool off. I don't remember a whole lot of red flags during this time.

Then we moved to Denver with him. I remember at one point in the process of planning on the move he was insistent that I drive a rental car from one state to another despite my not having a license and never driving very far on my own before. Oh and this was in the middle of winter too. I definitely had never driven with ice and snow on the roads. He did not like that I got feedback from my family confirming my thoughts that this was not a good idea. I held my ground on this but did not realize this should have been a red flag for me. So we moved. I am not sure how long after we moved things started to get more and more distressing or even when I realized he was drinking to excess.  I remember his anger was scary. I remember more and more trying to get me and the kids out of the house out of the path of his bad moods. I remember being in the hospital while pregnant because the midwives were concerned about my blood pressure and I could sense his anger at being stuck there. I remmber being afraid of going into labor at home if he was drinking. I rememeber his rage while driving scared me. I remember how he seemed to turn on my youngest daughter. Where once he seemed to be loving father figure to her, he became critical of her.  I remember him accusing my 12 year old of being on drugs because she was hyper while he was drinking. He also accused her of rolling her eyes at him. I remember him buying stuff for all of us and being critical about it. The book or the dvds he bought me were silly in some way. The game he bought my younger daughter was causing viruses on his computer. The game he bought my older daughter was silly too. I can't remember the exact wording of what he said but I remember that he put the stuff we liked down.  My cooking was not good enough. In fact he pointed out to our neighbors how I didn't put butter in the burgers to make them more moist. I am not sure but I know I felt attacked in front of our neighbors while we were having a bbq. He pushed our son in his stroller down a long flight of stairs after drinking and I know he did it because I tried to nonchalantly take the stroller because I had watched him drink before this. I was terrified until they got to the bottom. I would try to talk to him aboit child care so I can work and help with money and he ignored me. Later on he would rage about money. At one point he was walking around the apartment muttering to himself about who was going to buy the cheese. I remember at one point he seemed to get really emotional over gas prices. I was literally stunned and didn't know what to think because he seemed to be crying over it. There is probably a lot more but I am going to fast forward to the day I left. I do not remember what set him off that day. I do remember him standing over me while I wad sitting and he was pointing his finger right in my face and was yelling, "You..!" I remember he questioned me being sexually abused by my father and him saying my sister put those ideas in my head. I remember him grabbing my 12 year old when she tried to escape his anger by taking the garbage out. I remember me and the kids locking ourselves in a room and me calling my sister for help. When he left the house I was so afraid of what he would do when he came back the kids and I grabbed the little we could and fled.

In the 9 years since I have left he had harassed me by phone and email. He has sent me forwards of emails where he disparages me to family. In one he even claims I sent him a Trojan and tags by email badly in it. He had accused me of fraud for getting a restraining order and for child support. When we were no contact he repeatedly makes suggestions we need to get together and talk.  He makes outrageous claims like our son who was maybe 3 called a black man on television father. When I tell him our son was throwing dirt and that he learned why it was not a good idea he comes back at me what are you teaching him.  He posted pics of my daughter after I left him and had a restraining order on him. He has told me he has seen in her eyes the potential to do harm. Gosh there are so many things like: repeated threats to return to court, him talking down about my oldest daughter or my family members, threats of cps, he refused to child support through state registry and still hasn't done it to this day, he even at one point says something about he can see when I cash the check, it looks to me like he uses the check and gifts to our son to check in on me because I have many emails where he asks about them, he even a few times told me not to cash the check yet, he brings up storage fees but I remember him refusing to load pod storage things if I could send them. I guess it is alot of stuff and this is already long. He has said he wanted to hit me when he left. I also remember talking to a sheriff he was threatening me with and the sheriff told me he sounded drunk when he called.

I can't put everything so I am going to fast forward to about a years ago.  I had let my boundaries drop by then and started letting him call. In one phone call where I am sure he has been drinking he calls me a * for trying to explain how our son is covered by two insurances. Another phone call he starts out by talking about child support and the next thing I know he is saying over and over, "Don't be lonely." I was not sure where that was coming from and told him I was not lonely. A bit later I start getting text messages from him. The first one he says he recognized my bras. The whole series of texts is bizarre and nauseating to me, especially when he says maybe one day we will be casual. I did not repsond to any of this and just prayed he would stop. Later on that evening he calls out son then I get put on the phone with him and he is saying something like That was cool earlier. All I could think to say was I have no idea what you are talking about. I can't tell you how nauseating it makes me feel to think he still could hold hope I will return to him. In December he was texting our son about being picked up. When my son got on the phone with him his Dad starts talking about how he had cancer and he doesn't want our kid to have it. My son always speaks on speakerphone so everyone could hear it and it was upsetting everyone. When he starts to talk about taking custody I grabbed the phone and told him this was not appropriate to talk about with our son. While on the phone with him I realize he is quite drunk and angry so I told him I would not speak to him like that and hung up. I have series of voicemails after that with him slurring saying he is just down the street and he can pick up our son whenever he wants. He is not even supposed to drink before or during visits but it has become apparent to me that he has been doing this. When I tried to talk to him about getting himself help for him and our son he threatened me and called me names. He hung up and came right over. I called the cops and refused to open my screen door. It took the cops four hours to come and I was told the threat was not specific enough for the police to do anything. I have a series of texts and emails from that day and the next where I keep pointing put he is not supposed to drink before ane during visits. He claims that i am not supposed to so I screenshotted that part of order and sent it to prove it says him. He evem tries to manufacture evidence that I have had Corona bottles all over the place which is absurd becausr when I do have beer it often sits in my refrigderator for months or even up to a year.  He claims he had designated drivers if he wants to pick our son up and finally claims he decided on his own not to pick him up.

So I have reverted back to email to communicate with him. I have more threats of court, cps, he threatened to sue me for defamation of character, he even gives me lawyers names in a few,  him calling me psycho which going back I realize that is one of his favorites despite being unable to spell it correctly, in fact there is a really bizarre one where he says his roommate can smell it or something on people and he can tell that I am a psycho (I have never met this person), at points he has told me he is done with me and not to talk to him, he brings up me being sexually abused as child and will say it is disgusting and uses it to question my fitness to parent or to question my family being allowed around our son,  he uses my daughter's mental health issues to point out I am a bad parent, says I ruined my oldest daughter (She is a lesbian and in college, working and has her own place.)  That is the weird thing because he uses the gay thing to say he doesn't approve but in his disturbing text messages from last year he told me he was bisexual.

So just this week he has told me he will not honor my wishes on bringing our son food during my parenting time, dared me to say no to our son for longer visits (He had one last weekend and the only reason I agreed was I felt that if I said no my son would get the fallout since he told our son he didn't care that I had not said yes to it), he called my setting boundaries games, said it was ridiculous when I called his behavior out for what it is: abuse, threatened more court stuff, cps, pronunciated things for me in email likr phone recording and email, and implied that he had or can get into my email to take as evidence for court.

He has told me things like our son hates me even when our son was four or five, that he hates his oldest sister, and lately he is suggesting to me that my son is telling him things that say I am a bad parent and he doesn't want to be with me.

My son does not know most of this since he was a baby when I left. I struggle with combating the things his father says against me. He even had him mad at me for leaving about two weeks ago.

What am I dealing with? I have excused all this for years but I am looking at it now thinking this is so wrong. This has to be more than just alcoholism. I have left another alcoholic and they never went to these extremes or seemed not to let go of the relationship. Does anybody see any familiar behaviors in my long drawn out story? I probably have left some out but it is overwhelming thinking of it all. I will say this money seems to be something he is preoccuppied about. He can spend it on you and then make you feel bad about it. 

Sorry this is so long but part of me is like I need to give him a chance to get better but another part of me thinks that he never will and that this goes beyond mere addiction issues. I guess I need to know if it's just me that thinks this is so way beyond normal and that I need to protect me and mine from it. 
Thanks for reading it if you can get through it. My head is such a mess. Yesterday I was shaking calling the police to see what I could do about it all.

So I came across an article this morning about a young lady who was recounting her experience of sexual assault as a young college student. As I am reading I see myself in what she says. It wasn't that bad. That she is okay. I felt so much for her. I wanted to be able to shake her and tell her it's not okay. That she needs to get herself some help because these things can bite you on the butt later in life. While my experiences happened as a young child and teenager I still see myself in her. I wish I could tell her all the things I have realized about minimizing and denying my victimization at the hands of others. That it is okay to admit something has had a profound negative affect on you. That we shouldn't have to suck it up when people do things to us that are just flat out wrong.   I really hope that she realizes sooner than I have that no matter how much we tell ourselves we are okay and that it wasn't that bad that it doesn't change what is going on beneath the surface.  It doesn't stop the pain or the negative feelings we have of ourselves as a result of being victimized. I wish I could tell her when she is triggered by seing a picture of her rapist that  it's okay that it is traumatic for her. She has every right to feel what she feels and it isn't something wrong with her but because she has been wronged.  My heart breaks for her because I know we do these things to protect ourselves and get through day to day but while we are doing it we are only furthering the damage done.  I really hope that she gets the help she needs sooner rather than later. 
 

Please forgive my frequent posts.
So I am been looking through old emails to figure out how to present it. I have kind of just saved and pushed them to the back of my mind. Anyway I am not even through 2010 and my head is spinning. There are his usual threats of court. Accusations that I got a restraining order against him fraudulantly. Threats to have child support modified which again he claimd is fraudulant. Him talking abouy his pain while I was pregnant. Lots of emails about his job situation which at times was nonexistant. Job complaints. References to the night I left in which he minimizes what happened. He keeps saying that we need to talj about his job situation our breakup. He says he won't pay child support through registry due to his job situation. At another poiny he claims he will once he has steady income. I think I might have one from this past year where he putd thr blame on that on me. Brings up cost of storage which I had given up on since he wad being difficult about . Anyway the ones that stopped me was one day he asks me for money to go visit his sick mom. In that email he included forwards about conversations about his mom. In one of those he calls me a dingbat, a b**ch, and says I have psychotic thinking. Oh and he sayd somryhing about me needing to grow a heart.  Two days after that he emails me he is back from visiting mom. No I did not give him money for this. Anyway this email he says he will be sending child support after he gets his check the next day. The day after he emails me asking about out son. Says child support is in the mail. i did not answer that. I had just replied to his email for money three days before this and still was processing the insulting of me to his family. Three days later he emails me demanding a response and copies his family members. This I did respond. In his reponse to that he brings up the breakup again, my daughter, the restraining order, and again says we need to sit down and talk.  I realize now there are probably plenty of instances where I should called the police because of the restraining order. I thought I was dealing okay with him looking at them now I don't think I was. This guys reality does not seem to match actual reality. 
Anybody know how to organize stuff like this? I am not sure how. It's creepy though because it seems like while he is harassing me and abusing me he is still thinking we can patch things up.   

So I sent an email to my son's father stating I would not be signing over full custody to him. He has been giving me ultimatums about this lately.  I also stated there was no reason for him to be showing up at my house except to pick up and drop off our son.  I said I needed an email the day before a visit giving me information about when he is picking up and dropping him off.  I stated what the order says about two overnights and the 8 week long visits. I also pointed out that we are supposed to work together on the visits but if he is not even consulting me then it is a moot point.
  I got anxious before I even sent it and am still anxious. He might not see it until if he gets off of work tomorrow morning. I don't expect he will take it well or that he will actually even respect my wishes.  Tomorrow somehow I need to explain to my son that Dad should only be coming for drop offs and pick ups in a way that will hopefully keep his father from making me seem like an evil witch for expecting some respect for me and my mom and my role as his mom. 
  I know I can't control how he reacts but it is scary wondering how he will react. 
   

Well for the second time I have been shamed for refusing to do a family session with my son's Dad who is verbally and psychologically abusing me but hey let me put aside MY feelings.  I called to talk to her after my son's father decided he would keep our son longer without even consulting me but yeah let me put aside my feelings. And oh yeah he told me he was going to kill me but let me put aside my feelings. He textex me this morning about a hospital bill he says he is going to tell his insurance not to pay but you know got to put aside those feelings. And I need to put them aside even after the emails where he is continuing his threats and trying to give me an ultimatum to give him full custody. You know because I shouldn't have any feelings about a man who harasses me, threatens me and talks bad about me to out kid.  What kind of therapist would say that kind of thing?  Why do I have to feel like the bad guy for trying to say this man is using our kid against me?!   I never imagined in my life that I would be told by a therapist to put aside my fear of someone as if it's wrong of me to feel an emotion he engineered in me.  I want to cuss. I want to yell. I want to make a complaint against this woman for ever saying something like that to a domestic violence victim.   Yes she is there for my son. So if I try to report that I can't set a boundary for my safety with his father out of fear shouldn't that be concerning to her? I felt so hopeless after that call.  I actually started to think that I would have to reliquish custody of my son to have peace of mind.  GREAT therapist there! 

So I typed this out yesterday. Since then my son's father tried to call me twice and I refused to answer. I had told him last December I would no longer take calls after he said he was going to kill me. I refuse to put myself in that position again. Since I typed this out I am worried I handled this wrong. I am worried how my son's father might use any of this against me with him.   I am worried. I did not sleep well last night because just him calling got my heart beating hard, made me feel nauseous and started that fear of what if something bad is happening or will happen if I don't take that call.  So I guess anyone have any feedback for me or words of support? I realized yesterday how much my trust in myself has been damaged when my nearly 23 year old confirmed for me that her brother's father's version of events was not accurate. Even though at first when I was told what he said I thought no but then I started to worry I was wrong.
So I have been trying to figure out how to set a boundary for my son asking his father for things and his Dad just showing up but I hadn't quite figured it out yet. On Thursday my son's father emails me to attack me over our son's requests for food two nights this week. I responded back that on one night he had eaten and refused the other food I made. The other night we had actually had been on the way to the store to buy food when my son did it. I pointed out our son was being picky and basically being a kid. I asked him not to bring food anymore and told him about how I was trying to encourage our son to eat healthier since he has expressed distress over his weight. His Dad's response was to question that he didn't eat the food HE brought him. I responded back that it doesn't matter what he refused. That he is doing it and we need to tell him no sometimes. I kept stressing that he is just being a kid so he doesn't take his anger out on our son. I said we just need to teach him better habits.
Anyway not sure why I thought he would honor my request but yes I heal that delusion until the next morning when I got his next email. He will bring our son food whenever he wants. He has no idea what goes on in my house. He makes claims that imply that I am causing our son's depression. Brings up the lady who recently lost custody of her son over vaccines to scare me. Oh and says he will be moving back to Colorado in a few years because he doesn't want our son's custody case transferred to Texas. He told me I need to get a lawyer in Colorado. That email ends and I get another on him attacking me about welfare. Then another where he say our son thinks his body is changing(puberty) and he says thanks for speeding it up. I have ruined our son's innocence for telling him about Santa at nearly ten years old. Attacks me over our son sharing a room with his younger brother even though my son doesn't like to sleep in the upstairs bedroom on his own. Says something about several CPS notifications.
At this point I sent an email back stating that his refusal to respect me is noted. I pointed out that 50/50 is not him threatening and verbally and psychologucally abusing me to get his way. That I don't know how to communicate with him of he refuses to listen to me. I pointed out that me taking our son to a hospital recently when he was talking about hurting himself was an emergency(He claims I needed tp wait until I saw him with a knife in his hand). I ended the email with requesting him show respect for my relationship with our son and pointed out that it is confusing to him when his Dad openly shows hostility towards me.
Hos response to me calling his behavior abusive was, "Are you kidding me?" There are five more emails after that. He claims again I needed to wait for our son to have a knife in his hand to consider it an emergency. He says my reign is over and I am going to have to pay him child support. Oh he says stuff about getting a job. Says he gave me a choice. Somewhere in all that craziness was something about the email and I though is he is threatening me on refusing to communicate with him any other way?
So when my son got home that afternoon he calls his Dad to get him for the weekend. I happen to overhear Dad tell him that he os keeping him until Tuesday. This is not something that was even brought up to me
until I hear his Dad say it on the phone. I was stunned and I said that Dad needed to email me about this because it worries me that he seems to think he doesn't need to even consult me about this. What if he just decides not to bring him home one day? Dad says email is not happening anymore. It's not working. I am quiet at this point because I am trying to figure out how the heck do I handle this? My son's Dad says something to him and my son says, "But mom hasn't answered yet." Dad says, " I don't care!" At this point I am like whatever to avoid a fight and his Dad showing even more outright disrespect to me to our son. Not that I believe he won't while he has him in his care but I didn't want to argue with his Dad in front of him. So now he has my son until Tuesday. Court order says he is two have two overnights a week and 8 one week visits a year. Court order also says we are supposed to work together which seems like a joke. I am nothing to this man but a target for his anger. He isn't going to work with me and if I push back he can make it worse for me and our son.
I need to go to the Domestic Violence Shelter this week. This is all spinning around in my head and I am scared of how far this man will go. I want to believe that he genuinely loves our son but right now it very much feels like he is a tool or a possession to him. I definitely do not think working with this man is possible. I feel like the court order is nothing more than a tool for him to continue his abuse of me. Tired and helpless right now and I don't know where to turn. I want to laugh at the absurdity of being accused of accelerating our son going through puberty but it's not so funny when I am this close to it.

  My son is angry at me for leaving his father 9 years ago.  He doesn't even know what went on then or a lot of the stuff his father has said to me since. This man has been verbally, emotionally and psychologically abusive to me but my son in upset I left. I don't even know what to say to him.  I feel like I am in a losing battle for my son's affections. Can't tell him that Dad has been abusive to me and his sisters, and I don't know how to explain it otherwise. I tried using Dad's anger since he has seen firsthand but apparently according to my son that's only at me or others who hurt him or some other such nonsense.  So yeah I guess it's okay for Dad to be angry at me like that.  I am lost. I don't even know what to do. 

So today I went and looked online to see what I can find as far as places to get help. So I saw this one hospital that does free evaluations. My first thought was what I might do with my kids because it could take awhile. Then I thought, "What if they don't let me go?" And then my heart starts pounding and I can feel the tension and I am thinking I can't afford to be hospitalized.  I just can't. And yeah that stopped me from doing anything else.  I know that they would have to believe I am a danger to myself or others to hold me against my will but the fear was so overwhelming, "What if?"  Gah I hate this. Why is it so hard just to do something that simple?

So yesterday I confided in my brother all the things that I have been feeling.  I put myself out there, which is not easy for me to do because I worry that anything I do can be used against me as far as my kids.  That is a whole other long, traumatic story of my life. Anyway I went on FB this morning and am scrolling down and I see has commented on something saying, "Liberalism is a mental disorder."  This isn't the first time he has triggered my anger either.  Okay my brain is farting on what he has actually said othet times which seems to be my m.o. when something invokes strong, negative emotions in me. I just couldn't deal so I unfollowed him.  If I hadn't I might have ended up cussing my brother out on FB I was that pissed.   I am kind of feeling like my brother has aligned with that emotionally abusive mentality.  Maybe he hasn't but he seems to love bringing up being emotional in a debate.  There was something else he said another time to our sister that disturbed me so deeply because he knows what we all went through.   I can't remember what it is but usually I will not call someone out but it bothered me so much that actually told him it really bothered me that he would say that. Not that I think he cares what me or our sisters think unless it aligns with what he believes. Hmm...sounds like my exes. 
   So I unfollowed my brother because it is at least one small way to protect myself from that negativity. Maybe I am being too harsh? I don't know because I am not really sure what I am entitled to be outraged about.   I have always given my compassion and sympathy to those who have hurt me.  I don't want to anymore.  I don't want to be understanding of why this person violated me, or this person left me feeling so depressed I couldn't even find the will to go to class, or why this person made my kid feel like she was unwanted by you, your spouse and her brother over child support or why you feel the need to call me names and threaten me. I don't want to open myself up anymore to the millions of ways men have torn me down.  So yeah maybe it is harsh but at some point I should be allowed to say, "No, that is wrong and I am not going to lay down for it anymore."  I wish I always felt that strong but at least no one can call the cops or cps on me for unfollowing my brother or threaten to. 


P.S. Excuse my anger. I have been holding it in a very long time.

So I recently have been realizing how much in denial I have been about my father. I had myself convinced that despite sexually abusing me he wasn't all that bad. Recently though I asked my older sister if he had angry outbursts and was hypercritical because these are things I keep seeming to reoccur in my love life. She said yes to both. Today I asked my younger sister about her memories of him because I am disturbed that I can't remember. She said she remembers him hitting her and she thinks he might have broke our brother's arm. Why don't I remember?  I once told someone years ago that I had such a deep fear of disappointing my parents that I pretty much behaved and I guess I thought it was some great parenting technique. What happened that I don't remember?

Okay I am going to put this here because I can remember being sexually abused as a kid but I am almost certain there was emotional abuse. So I think it was first grade but I remember being pulled out of class by someone and them having me walk a straight line across a shadow. As an adult I remember finding papers that said I had been in some kind of special ed program. i think the paper said I was withdrawn. Anyway I always thought this was because I was shy. Now I am wondering if I was actually showing signs of trauma and no one realized it. Anyone else think this might have happened to them? Maybe its weird to question but I have so few memories of then that I actually have been in denial about the effects of my childhood abuse. Oh this was in the '80 to put a little context in it.

My ego is so shattered that I can't even handle someone say something  that are posted in general. Everything feels like a personal attack against me.  A little bit ago someone said something that they said was in general. Then I start feeling exhausted and my heart start racing and I start replaying times when I have been told I was wrong in my head. Wrong is on repeat. I cried and I am asking myself maybe I am wrong because I don't even trust my mind anymore. My experiences are not all that bad so maybe I am just a big baby.
I hate this. I hate that I can't even say this hurt me because what if I am wrong about that too. 
  I used to have my life in better control. Now I feel like I am at the mercy of anything that can trigger that feeling of being wrong or bad. 
 

So the other day I freaked out. I thought about these two miniature turtles growing up that disappeared and then there was a smell for awhile after. Anyway for some reason freaked that something bad had been done to them and I just freaked.
  So here I am messaging my older sister about turtles from over 30 years ago and I kind of have this sense that what I am feeling is way over blown but I have to know about those darn turtles. So the next day when I am calmer I message my sister to apologize but I kind of feel the panic returning. Anyway when she messages me back she asks me if I am on meds and tells me that she is worried about me. That this anxiety can't feel good which is a major understatement. And my brain is begging just please tell me that memory is exactly the way I remember and that those turtles really did just disappear.  I did not mention this to her because I didn't want to worry her more.
  And this morning I still feel like I need someone to tell me that the turtles just disappeared so I can calm down. I don't know why these turtles are so anxiety provoking. They weren't our only animals while I was growing up. and I am pretty sure that not the only pets that were there in one memory and not others. So why the panic? This makes me feel crazy but it feels so critical for me to know. 
  I am trying to assume that since my sister did not say anything about them that I am freaking out over nothing but it doesn't feel like nothing.

So not sure if I sound crazy saying this but this is something that bothers me. Wondering if anyone else who has been verbally, emotionally and psychologically abused would be okay with it or if it would make them as uncomfortable as me. 
My son has gotten into the habit of texting his Dad that he wants something. Dad just shows up with it. Last night it was chicken nuggets. No there is no contact with me about it and I am suddenly opening the door to someone who makes me extremely uncomfortable. That is probably an understatement btw. Also I bought our son chicken nuggets that night when he asked at the store but they were not from McDonald's like his father bought him.  I don't know but the fact that he feels like he can just show up without a word to me just seems not right. Maybe I am overreacting?  I mean I don't even want people I feel comfortable with showing up without giving me a heads up. Would this disturb anyone else? 
Sorry guys I am really struggling identifying what is normal and what feelings I have a right to so I need a little help with it.
Sidenote: I left this man when my son was a baby. My son does not know a lot of the things his Dad has said to me that are just not right and some are actually disturbing. I actually have an email where he claims he saw something in my daughters eyes and that was why he was so hard on her.  There is probably way too many examples of why I feel like this is crossing my boundaries but I still wonder if I am crazy or wrong for feeling this way. How would you feel if you were in this situation?

So I am not sure if I have cptsd. I do know I have some symptoms of ptsd.  I have been told by a psychologist that I have a lot if trauma.  For over a year I have been hypervigilant, I am afraid something bad will happen, my anxiety at times is so bad that when I lay down at night I feel my heart pounding and my body tensing, I am so steeped in shame.that I am having a hard time making decisions which means I have a hard time taking action, traffic causes me anxiety and at times I am even noticing anxiety about even walking to the store.
Anyway this morning I started to feel like a burden and unloved(maybe unlovable?). At one point I almost messaged my oldest kid to beg her to tell if I am a bad person or a bad mom.  I don't know where this came from but it continued into taking my littlest one to the bus stop.  The bus was running late, which I didn't know, so I started questioning myself. Did I bring him out too late? Did I look at the time wrong?  Did the bus just drive by and I didn't notice? Then I start to wonder what the school is going to think of me. Ugh part of me knows that this is not quite normal but I can't stop it the thoughts of it's all something I did wrong. 
I don't know if anyone can relate to this but I needed to get it out.  And as I type I am sitting here wondering if I am making a big ado about nothing. Yes questioning myself is a regular occurrence these days.

So I am having trouble with making decisions. For instance, someone suggested to me a year ago to apply for ssdi for my child who was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I keep going back and forth on it and it keeps me from acting. A week ago it was suggested I apply for myself and I keep second guessing it. Then today someone else suggested it. At first today I felt like okay I can do this and then within a half hour I start questioning myself and doubting. Does anyone else do this?