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Topics - Rainagain

#1
General Discussion / Hello to my old friends
November 10, 2023, 11:23:07 PM
Hey

I haven't been on the forum for some years, not sure how many.

Wanted to thank all of the people who replied to my posts back then, I needed those replies very much.

I was in a very bad way at that time but since then I have made some sense of my trauma and learned to cope with the distress.
I really hope this happens for all of you too, it is not exactly recovery and has taken many years but it is so much better than full blown distress, I wish you all well.
#2
General Discussion / Cptsd in adulthood, some thoughts
August 05, 2021, 10:54:49 PM
I have been thinking for quite a while about cptsd which occurs in adulthood.

I am unsure if my childhood was bad or not, I think there was trauma but mostly that is from how others react to anecdotes about my childhood, it didn't feel too bad at the time.

I am getting better from the adult trauma I have experienced, I dont post very much these days as I have sort of moved on from the confused quiet horror I used to live with.

My thought is that perhaps childhood trauma leaves a mark that allows adult cptsd to take hold.

I have had plenty of adult trauma, so much so that psychiatrists do not need to look any further.

But maybe that is not correct, maybe my childhood left me with a vulnerability to adult trauma, or an inability to cope with stressful events which predisposed me toward cptsd as an adult.

I think it is possible to recover from adult onset trauma, I believe I am doing so.

But perhaps I am always going to be vulnerable to further trauma because of various personality traits and perhaps because of my childhood.

Just something I want people to consider as it might be something that helps adult recovery and staying well after recovery.




#3
General Discussion / Feeling trapped by trauma
January 11, 2020, 06:42:22 AM
I had time as an adult when I wasn't traumatised.

Thinking back to those days I had a sort of mental freedom, I could deal with things, could interact with anyone without worry, I was mentally free.

I didn't really notice it, that was just how things were.

Now i am fettered, so many situations are uncomfortable and therefore avoided, nothing seems to work out in a satisfactory way, i have little ability to cope with even small challenges.

I may not have noticed my old mental freedom, but I am more and more aware of my current much reduced ability to get on with life.

As I have gotten older I have less physical strength and stamina, that is normal and to be expected/accepted.

It is hard to accept losing my previous mental freedom, it isn't a natural part of growing older. It happened quickly whilst I was in my 20's, not natural.

Not sure why I am posting this, probably lack of sleep makes me think it is some sort of insight.....
#4
General Discussion / Becoming less reactive
December 25, 2019, 12:04:21 PM
Just something I would appreciate some comments on:

I am becoming less reactive to things which happen, mostly.

A little distance between actions of others and my reaction is probably a good and healthier way to be.

But it might also be numbing, depression or dissociation, which is not good.

There is no clear way to steer between getting triggered by everything and becoming withdrawn and immobile.

And perhaps keeping yourself in between those two different types of calamity doesnt mean you are healthy anyway, just trying to delay crashing into either isnt the same as health or recovery.

Anyone else recognise this?

I am trying to improve my life but not sure how to do it.
#5
Symptoms - Other / Being treated poorly
November 25, 2019, 02:06:56 AM
This is not really a symptom I guess.

But I often feel I am treated poorly.

It's a general feeling and happens in lots of ways.

I find I often dont get the outcome I want or expect, but others seem to do ok.

Or maybe I do ok, but believe I would do better if I was.....less how I am.

Does anyone recognise this feeling? It's like I am of less worth than everyone else so dont deserve the same treatment.

Part of my isolating myself is because I cant get fair treatment from others, or it seems like that to me, most encounters seem to take something out of me.
#6
Physical Issues / Recurring cellulitis
October 31, 2019, 11:04:28 AM
I seem to have developed this recently, it's a skin infection in the deepest layer of the skin.

As it's new to me I am wondering if anyone else has had this?

I wonder if stress has lowered my immune system allowing this to take hold.

It clears up quickly with antibiotics but then comes back somewhere else, bit odd.
#7
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Recovery pressure
September 03, 2019, 07:32:20 AM
Can I ask for any comments on the following thought please?

In my situation trying to recover is actually a bit of a burden, I have well diagnosed issues and have not been helped much by talk therapies and various meds.

My psychiatric prognosis is that I will always be like I am now, my issues are substantial and of long standing.

Just getting along and minimising my distress is my goal, I think I gave up the idea of recovery a while back. But maybe that giving up is acceptance which is part of recovery?

I dont know what I'm saying here, maybe I'm asking if it is ok to aim low, forget about total success and just hope for mild improvements, or even just not getting any worse?

#8
Symptoms - Other / Sleep injuries
August 06, 2019, 08:45:39 AM
My sleep is troubled, I hold my arms up to protect my head  most of the night. This has caused shoulder problems for me.

This last week I thought I might have heart trouble, I had pain and numbness in my left arm, back And chest.

Once I worked out it was actually damage caused by thrashing about in my sleep it was such a relief, I was expecting a heart attack.

It is odd to experience something as pretty alarming and then to not mind about it once you put it in its place. The pain isnt that bad, it was the anxiety as to what it might mean that was difficult.
#9
General Discussion / Pre cptsd
July 31, 2019, 11:00:26 PM
I'm thinking it might help for people to state what they were like before cptsd arrived.

I used to post on here with Ah who couldn't imagine a life before cptsd as Ah had never had a life before it.

I suspect Ah is no more, I miss Ah.

I was outgoing, confident, capable, somewhat successful.

Now I am miles away from those things.

For those who feel rejected by the world, it's the cptsd and not you.
#10
Symptoms - Other / PNES absence siezures
July 29, 2019, 12:39:05 PM
Dont know if this has been posted about before.

I have absence seizures, my psych thought it might be narcolepsy or epilepsy.

I've just found an item about PNES at www.epilepsy.com and that's basically what I have.

My psych didn't seem to know it existed.

It often co presents with chronic pain and ptsd, I have chronic pain and cptsd or PTSD.

I'm amazed, another odd symptom turns out to be 'a thing' which is apparently recognised...

Another piece of the puzzle.
#11
Depression / Depression masked by ptsd
June 07, 2019, 01:38:28 AM
Recently remembered that one of my psych reports said that my ptsd/cptsd masks the underlying major depressive disorder.

I've been going through a depressive episode over the last 6 months and recently realised that I have been depressed and that my PTSD symptoms have in some way eased a little.

Traumatised me reacts with anger when triggered, I haven't been feeling that sense of burning injustice lately, I've been more detached.

Maybe that has allowed the depressed me to show through more, it feels like that.

Or maybe a depressive episode has calmed down the traumatised me.

I think I prefer the depression, feeling nothing is easier than feeling too much.

I only realised something had changed recently, some people I hadn't seen for 6 months commented on dramatic weight loss, I hadn't noticed that either but it is a sign of depression so I made the link.

Could be an issue if PTSD improvement just brings out depression more strongly, the cure could somehow be worse than the disorder, typical, I should have known there would be a catch, there always seems to be one.
#12
Other / Chronic pain
May 23, 2019, 04:15:30 PM
Anyone else suffer from this?

Mine started around the time of my first depression many years ago, probably preceded the cptsd so might not be cptsd related.

Jordan Peterson has said 'depression is chronic pain and chronic pain is depression'

Not sure what he means as I experience both as seemingly independent.

But he seems to know his stuff.......
#13
This is probably not relevant to most but helped me.

Had a psych evaluation and at the end the psych mentioned that my leaving the country to live alone and isolated far away is something he has seen before.

It's a normal (or at least understandable) reaction to extreme circumstances.

I find comfort in thinking that many of my symptoms are probably also exactly that, my external environment had to change and presumably my mind also  became altered through things I could not control.

If there is a dent in your car it's not correct to blame the car, the cause wasn't  the car's fault.

For me its helpful to think like this instead of blaming myself for other people's actions.

My case against my former employer is that they caused my psychiatric injuries, ie they put the dents in my psyche. I hadn't realised fully that it was not my fault, I maybe could have been better at looking after myself but I didn't harm my psyche, they did. Makes a difference somehow.

I wouldn't blame someone who became overwhelmed by a horrible situation, but I have been blaming myself, weird double standards.
#14
DR - Disturbed Relationships / Not sure what this is
January 11, 2019, 12:35:31 AM
I've noticed that I have little tolerance with people.

If people upset me I tend to strongly want to have nothing further to do with them. Ever.

Its a powerful response, I become irritated and uncomfortable and if it carries on I get to a point where I will just avoid them totally from that point on.

Its more than losing trust, I see them as a problem to avoid.

Is this a common thing? Or am I just difficult?
#15
Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / Dating or isolation
January 02, 2019, 01:38:29 AM
I am alone a lot.

Someone I know and have always really liked appears to be interested in return.

But, I am not really well enough for a relationship and being isolated is not a good reason to try to start a relationship I'm pretty sure I am not able to sustain.

I'm mid 50's not a teen, but feel confused.

What can you do if you are damaged but really like someone? I don't want to ruin things, I certainly don't want the guilt causing harm would bring me, the sense of failure would leave me more down than I am now.

I think I know the answer, be honest and realistic with yourself, if you aren't well enough that needs to be accepted.

But its really sad to accept the facts, like accepting defeat in some way.
#16
General Discussion / People can see I'm not quite right
January 02, 2019, 01:18:23 AM
Had an odd experience I thought I would like to share. Nobody need reply really, I just need to state it, get it out somehow.

Had a very dominant man strike up a conversation on a night out.

He was probably on drugs as well as the alcohol but he wanted to be assertive with people.

Anyway, he commented on the way I behaved with him, clear eye contact, no 'submission' or ingratiating behaviour, especially the way I maintained full eye contact.

He knew what he was about but got nothing he wanted from me.

I think i knew he was being intentionally pushy and I think I had registered that fact on some level but it didn't bother me at all, that is what he picked up on.

It was only when he mentioned my eye contact I realised fully he had been intentionally trying it on with me.

Now, I have often thought my fear response has disappeared somewhere, I have in the past been keen to undertake risky jobs at work where violence was likely.

My 'risk taking' is sometimes a part of ptsd , not sure if its in cptsd as well.

But people notice that I don't respond normally to threat, I appear very comfortable with it and while it usually deters people going too far with me it is not normal.

A bit later this chap was bullying someone else, they looked really uncomfortable. I told him to stop and he actually was shocked, he couldn't believe I would call him out on his behaviour without a qualm.

My behaviour is not normal. I am in no way an alpha male, I have no real idea why I am unfazed by someone acting like a dominant alpha.

Although I dislike bullying behaviour very much that isn't about dominance in my mind.

Because I react oddly I've now decided to try to restrict my social life still further.

People can tell there is something odd or off about me, I'm not intimidating or threatening but I look a bit intense I'd guess,  I'm clearly not quite right either.

Its a source of shame to me that I don't appear normal, even when I try my best.

My accumulated trauma is apparent to others, not good at all.

I sort of wish I could just disappear.
#17
General Discussion / Adult onset cptsd
December 18, 2018, 12:59:54 AM
I'm having thoughts about the way I am, the way I have dealt with trauma and the way it has changed me.

I am wondering if my cptsd/PTSD is actually quite a bit different to cptsd from childhood.

Maybe not the same at all.

In future years there might be additions to the psych textbooks, and there I will be.

It dawned on me quickly on here that childhood cptsd is worse than my adult trauma.

My major traumatic events were in adulthood, they were 25 yrs ago, 16 years ago and 3-4 years ago.

They were all unusually 'bad', stuff that 'shouldn't happen' to people.

But as an adult I had adult resilience, I had a chance to deal with my trauma.

And there was time between trauma to regroup, to adjust a little.

I'm wondering if what I have is only complex because it involves several traumas, each one overlaid on someone who was already emotionally distorted by the earlier trauma.

Like a Rubik's cube. I started out with all the colours in order but several twisting moves later and its all jumbled up, no patterns left, maybe a few rows of one colour but mostly just bits and pieces.

Childhood cptsd seems different to me, like the cube never had the colours in the right place at the start.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe if all our cubes now look like the same tricky jumble then its pointless to remember that some were once in order, because mine is definitely messed up now. And the past has gone by and isn't coming back.

I don't know the trick to solving the Rubik's cube, and I can't find a trick to sort myself out.

Sorry to ramble, I like analogies, even if this one isn't great.
#18
General Discussion / First aid kits
December 01, 2018, 11:38:16 AM
Wondered if people might post what is in their first aid kit, what they reach for in an emergency that helps. If I've used up my kit I could then try yours.

Mine would be:

A warm hat (can't explain it, try it)

Bob Marley - redemption song

Nothing else matters (metallica) played fingerpick style (several versions on utube)

Jordan b Peterson (almost anything he says, utube again).

Interacting with my dogs

Mindfulness (just focus on the feel of your feet on the ground, nothing clever)

Playing guitar (last resort)

Singing or humming, anything to divert myself from my head.
#19
Memory/Cognitive Issues / Remembering people
November 27, 2018, 11:16:40 PM
This may not be a thing but I seem to be unable to remember new people.

I don't remember their names or faces.

A few times I will be chatting to someone and they will tell me that we have met before.

They seem quite puzzled that I obviously didn't remember them.

This is a new thing, I used to be a bit poor on names but accurate with faces.

Just wondered if anyone else has heard of this. Its a bit like amnesia I think, it doesn't sound important but the way these people look at me makes me think it is pretty abnormal.

Oh well
#20
Friends / Compassion fatigue
November 10, 2018, 10:52:18 PM
Something I have noticed over the years, and again today.

Friends aren't really interested in my psychiatric problems.

When people ask how you are doing its not a question, its just mouth noise.

I know this, but still get caught out by taking  it as an actual enquiry.

Oh well