I've decided to start a new journal since it's been quite some time since I've been around the forums.
Lots of things have changed for me. Mostly for good, but with the coronavirus epidemic, some not so good.
First thing's first--Linda and I are still together. I say that as the first thing because I've never had a romantic relationship for this long and still wanted to be with the person I was with lol. Sounds terrible when worded that way; that's what happens with a dismissive/anxious attachment style, though. And yet, here I am. I feel like I've worked through some feelings and thoughts that really needed it to get to this point. I adore Linda and appreciate every day she's in my life.
Second, I am now the owner of an associate's degree! I finally finished college, but am already determining either getting another associate's, a certificate, or just going straight for a bachelor's lol. In the meantime, I'm saving up for medical coding school.
I have a new job which I started in November. I work in a lab and process specimens for screening, confirmation, and storage. I also do data entry for those specimens. I genuinely like my job, even though hours ahve been cut due to the epidemic. I am, however, considered an essential worker due to the nature of my job.
That has been a cause for anxiety and some depression, but I'm getting through.
I've been contemplating how to best spend this time in part quarantine, part just working when I can. I have four days off, every week, now that clinics are suspending drug testing--some clinics have completely closed and won't see anyone. I've thought about all the productive things I could do right now, only to find myself still jsut as overwhelmed as when I had less time. Still dealing with the same hesitations, anxieties, feelings of not succeeding to overcome the way I'd like to.
Saying that, I'm back here where I feel safe. This is a good space, and I'm grateful to have it and appreciate the people here.
I've decided to do some therapy on my own, since I feel safest staying indoors and traveling as little as possible. I've started to read Self Therapy by Dr. Earley, since a past therapist (the trauma therapist who diagnosed me with cPTSD) said IFS would be a good therapy for me. We never got to because she had to leave the clinic; having learned that IFS can be done on one's own time and effort (as long as one has a good headpsace for it), I've decided to start where that therapist had to leave.
Besides that, it has already helped me to see certain parts of myself in a way I've never thought I could--or should. Such as the part of me that can be very rude and dismissive of people's feelings and needs, so rude to the point of being condescending and patronizing. This part leaves me feeling annoyed and even disdainful. I always thought it was a part of me that I had to get rid of, or if not, I was deemed unlovable. But with IFS, I can see that part as having a purpose--its purpose being it was trying to protect me during my most vulnerable states of depression and anxiety. It was doing its best and in the only way it knew worked, even at a cost.
IFS is teaching me to appreciate that part, and others, for working hard to protect me. It feels strange, but then it also feels so freeing. It's like, "Wait, I don't have to hate myself? Is this how I can learn to love myself? Woah." lol
Of course, I'm just starting and I know it'll take me time to get to a place where I feel better about a lot of my parts. But right now, it's my Self just wants to connect with all the parts and make all of them feel loved and appreciated. My Self says, "It's about time we find all these parts the jobs they've earned after decades of struggle and battling through." Indeed.
Lots of things have changed for me. Mostly for good, but with the coronavirus epidemic, some not so good.
First thing's first--Linda and I are still together. I say that as the first thing because I've never had a romantic relationship for this long and still wanted to be with the person I was with lol. Sounds terrible when worded that way; that's what happens with a dismissive/anxious attachment style, though. And yet, here I am. I feel like I've worked through some feelings and thoughts that really needed it to get to this point. I adore Linda and appreciate every day she's in my life.
Second, I am now the owner of an associate's degree! I finally finished college, but am already determining either getting another associate's, a certificate, or just going straight for a bachelor's lol. In the meantime, I'm saving up for medical coding school.
I have a new job which I started in November. I work in a lab and process specimens for screening, confirmation, and storage. I also do data entry for those specimens. I genuinely like my job, even though hours ahve been cut due to the epidemic. I am, however, considered an essential worker due to the nature of my job.
That has been a cause for anxiety and some depression, but I'm getting through.
I've been contemplating how to best spend this time in part quarantine, part just working when I can. I have four days off, every week, now that clinics are suspending drug testing--some clinics have completely closed and won't see anyone. I've thought about all the productive things I could do right now, only to find myself still jsut as overwhelmed as when I had less time. Still dealing with the same hesitations, anxieties, feelings of not succeeding to overcome the way I'd like to.
Saying that, I'm back here where I feel safe. This is a good space, and I'm grateful to have it and appreciate the people here.
I've decided to do some therapy on my own, since I feel safest staying indoors and traveling as little as possible. I've started to read Self Therapy by Dr. Earley, since a past therapist (the trauma therapist who diagnosed me with cPTSD) said IFS would be a good therapy for me. We never got to because she had to leave the clinic; having learned that IFS can be done on one's own time and effort (as long as one has a good headpsace for it), I've decided to start where that therapist had to leave.
Besides that, it has already helped me to see certain parts of myself in a way I've never thought I could--or should. Such as the part of me that can be very rude and dismissive of people's feelings and needs, so rude to the point of being condescending and patronizing. This part leaves me feeling annoyed and even disdainful. I always thought it was a part of me that I had to get rid of, or if not, I was deemed unlovable. But with IFS, I can see that part as having a purpose--its purpose being it was trying to protect me during my most vulnerable states of depression and anxiety. It was doing its best and in the only way it knew worked, even at a cost.
IFS is teaching me to appreciate that part, and others, for working hard to protect me. It feels strange, but then it also feels so freeing. It's like, "Wait, I don't have to hate myself? Is this how I can learn to love myself? Woah." lol
Of course, I'm just starting and I know it'll take me time to get to a place where I feel better about a lot of my parts. But right now, it's my Self just wants to connect with all the parts and make all of them feel loved and appreciated. My Self says, "It's about time we find all these parts the jobs they've earned after decades of struggle and battling through." Indeed.