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Im so enraged all the time.  White hot blinding rage.  Every day, every night, every minute. Now at 530 am after being awake since 3am yet again because of all this.
I cannot stop even for a minute being enraged. I cant get past this suffocating anger.  It is the symptom that leads the pack with all the other ones and there are no words for the despair this is causing me. I just am constantly battling CONSTANTLY to just get through the day all because of this hand I was dealt in life. I cant escape this reality of each day being flooded with all these symptoms only to become enraged about the circumstances surrounding my past causing this cptsd. Events that I was not protected from as a child that now literally affect me in every single waking/sleeping moment.  Rage is  all there is in me and it consumes me.
Is there anyone else out there fighting against the ugliest part of yourself who thirsts for... revenge ? Blame? What does this rage want? I will never get "revenge" I will never get justice, and I know precisley who is to blame both directly ( my perpetraters) and indirectly- my parents for failing to protect me. 

The hardest thing about all of this is the realization that this is it. This is who I am and how I am and even though I want to, I will never not feel the way I feel.   If I live to be an elderly person I have at least 40 more years of this pain. 40 more years of this "coping" and "pain management" and learning how to deal with this disorder that was put upon me as an innocent child. 

Thats a long time.

I know why people do it because they know, like I know, they can -do anything -achieve anything-create a new life-
But they will never not have this reality inside their mind and body.

 
Someone with cptsd does, thats who!!!
You know how the to do list never ends and the overwhelm at the slightest task is paralyzing? .....
Me frantically planting all my seeds that can grow in 50 days or less 
Feeling some relief I accompmished this goal even though it's the most random garden ever.

I am a victim of childhood SA and incest by more than one of my own family members. Recently I joined this forum in search of ONE OTHER HUMAN who can understand me..and what I have come to know now as my cptsd. I have several years of abuse beginning at the age of 4 years old all the way into adulthood.
I had made it to the age of 35 (now) holding out and running hard from this tidal wave that was trying to drown me.  I am in the middle of the ocean now.

The memory that won't leave me alone today is one of my blood uncle flipping the script on me after being a "funny uncle" to me and teasing me growing up. Nothing innapropriate as a child. I feel I need to point out that my SA/incest perpetrators were first my step-grandfather, and then my older brother. Not this uncle.
However, the last time I saw him before he died was at a big family gathering at his house. Of course me being one who desperstely clings to the idea of an actual safe family, made the drive to hang out with my family. During a brief moment where I just happened to enter the kitchen and we were alone, he made a pass at me.
He made a point of looking long at me up and down and said "I swear to God (my real name), if you weren't my niece...man"


I was stunned and immediately shame filled as if my cowboy hat or my skirt somehow invited this.  This disgustimg comment from YET ANOTHER FAMILY MEMBER regarding how much they would like to have sex with me.
And not long after that he passed away unexpectedly.  I have been thinking of this and being quiet all these years whenever my dear aunts get all teary eyed and raving about L. and how much they miss him
.....and I am TRAPPED AGAIN protecting my abusers image to other family members. I am so confused as to why I was a target for so many ppl in my family? Why me? WHY ME?
I'm in so much grief I cant even breathe.  I dont understand how I even have tears left but they never stop.

I am terrified. Life will never be the same affter this. After I stop protecting them and start protecting myself. I have been quietly erroding for 30 years. I do not know life without swallowing my pain, being dissmissed, being ignored for the sake of their comfort, constant dissociation due to coninuing to hold up the "family" ruse face to face with my unexposed perpatrators. No one cares about the view from behind my eyes all these years. The sacrifices I MADE as the burden of the perfect FOO seemed to fall on my shoulders-the one who was a very hurt, confused and betrayed little girl. In my case, becoming a mother myself has brought on the traumas I endured, and the questions....SO MANY QUESTIONS. The obvious one being WHY. Why wasn't I protected? I was abused by the same person who tortured my mother her entire childhood. My parents left me in the care of this family member with full knowledge of who he was. I was abandoned with a monster and my brain can not unravel that mystery. I would have to be savagely murdered to put my own daughter (who coincidentally is now the age that my abuse started...and why my life is falling apart now as I relive my childhood through her.)
I am fixated on my parents negligence more than the abuse itself lately because I feel that NONE of my traumas needed to happen. My entire life could have had an entirely different trajectory and I cant understand for the life of me how my parents rationalized their decision. How they continue to rationalize this decision and are clueless as to why I am no longer able to act perfect. The denial is just too much to take.
I only get feedback when I do not provide people whatever function I am in their life. No one cares why they just resent me for not being what they want me to be.
The future with this out in the open is unknown and scaring me so much.

Forgiveness will set you free...
Forgiving my perps ( I have 2) will somehow help me move on?

I see parents forgive their children's murderer....and yet I could never forgive the wrongs against me.  How do they forgive? Why does it help to let their monster know they are relieved of any and all guilt (that they never even felt) by the victim?  NO ABUSER DESERVES FORGIVENESS. NO ONE.

I can't understand why forgiveness has to be a part of healing. I don't have forgiveness in me...and so I'm a lesser person ( wow not like I don't feel that way anyway)

I want to SCREAM at every person spouting off the necessity of forgiveness right in their face.  The self righteous, all knowing, all healing power of forgiveness.    F#$% THAT.

I am angry and feel like cursing every word. Just the idea that forgiveness is a task I have to complete . All it feels like is me selling myself out. My soul was murdered before I had a chance at "normal" life so now I have to forgive That? What kind of CRAP is That?

I longed for the death of my first perp because I just knew I would feel some lift that he was not on this planet any longer. Imagine my surprise when the death only sunk me deeper. Imagine my surprise when I felt worse. Like he got away with an entire life of never being exposed and now he never will.

I just want to know if anyone else here can understand how upset the idea of forgiveness makes me. If forgiveness has helped You, truly than I am so happy for you! I just don't understand it. I know I will never forgive.

The way I feel day after day is so exhausting. It goes like this:
Before my eyes open the instant I wake up the beast is there.
If I managed any sleep at all, it was hopelessly filled with horrible dreams.
As soon as I feel the beast, the rage sets in.  White hot rage. About the symptoms, all of them, about the cause, about the impact on my daily life of events (in my case) that I was not protected from.  The rage that this is never to be cured. Just coped with. The rage of knowing I have a chronic mental illness that I can never escape CAUSED to me NOT born in me. CAUSED to me.
Minute 2
The despair. Always the despair.
The grieving. The grief over my own living self. Mourning the loss of my self.
....and that is the end of everyday before it even begins so bring on depression for breakfast and anxiety until I drop from physical and emotional exhaustion into a dark sleepless night.

I am in a loving marriage that has reached its breaking point and my husband is about to leave me, he threatens it every time we fight.
In our most recent fight he actually said to me he wished he could put a gun in his mouth and blow him self away to get away from me (2 days ago). This is after I have told him I am beginning to have suicidal thoughts....this disease is putting it into my mind as the only true way to escape the torture I am in.
In calmer moments after outrageous fights he tells me all the right things but every time we fight it's the same old thing...him rejecting my feelings and thoughts, saying I'm crazy, and attacking me for being crippled with this. I feel like I am constantly kicking and screaming and feeling like a small child begging him to notice that this is real and it's killing me.  He is just burdened by this and looking for a way out.

He knew I was sexually abused before we were married. This is not something he didn't know when he said "in sickness and in health"

My heart just aches to have one person understand me.  He is the only person who pretends to care yet crushes my soul every time * gets real. I don't feel safe I feel like I have to hide this from him and it's enraging that on good days he just takes and takes and takes...pretending nothing is wrong and then as soon as I am symptomatic he says every worst possible thing to me to kill my spirit over and over.   

I did not ask for this, I did not ask for my 4 year old body to be casually put in the care of my own mothers abuser with the disclaimer "I never thought he would do it to you", I never asked for my father to sit back and allow me to be carelessly put into the hands of a known monster without stopping her. I did not ask to have my older brother continue the incest and take everything from my ten year old body.

I did not ask for the birth of my first child at 29 years old to open the flood gates on my past and for the birth of my daughter to put me into a literal constant triggered state because I can't see anything but how my parents could put something so precious in the hands of a monster.  I look at her and i see myself and my innocence and my heart breaks over and over every day.

I can't accept that I wasn't worth being protected, I was actually handed over to him to repeat the cycle.
Being a mother myself has only brought into glaring focus the absolute never ending rage I feel as the lack of protection from my parents literally caused the turmoil that is my life today.

It wasn't until I googled "I feel like I'm mourning the death of myself" that I was finally introduced to my living nightmare with 100s of hits on
Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.