Topics

I really really want intimacy, to get close to someone physically and emotionally.  There is nothing wrong with me (as a person, there is no reason i shouldnt be loved and wanted and in a partnership) and there is no reason this shouldnt be ecplored. 

However!  Whenever I find someone I like reciproactes the liking, my body goes into complete flight/freeze.  Its okay as long as they dont like me back. In those cases its just in my imagination, and quite safe.   But when the actual possibility of something more than an imaginary partner is on the horizon (even faintly), there is auto panic.

I (the thinking mind) personally really really wants to get close to someone!  And when I am not in front of that person, I am quite confident, but as soon as Im near, the auto response happens.  I expect its due to so many trauma experiences with males, while in relationship. Now relationship signals danger.

At one point in my life (teenage/twenties) I ony,had sexual relationships, which bypassed a lot of this.  But I dont want that anymore.  Im not sure how to egt around it.  I cant really spill my story to someone I hardly know, just to explain why Im scared to talk to them!

I must find a way.  Life is to be a shared experience!  I want over this! 

I am supposed to have psyche help soon, but still waiting!  How to move on?  Thank you

Hi there.
I am trying topamax (a very low dose in the evening).

I originally wanted to try it to help with compulsive behaviour/addictions (mainly distracting with food, and screen addiction) that were wasting a whole lot of my energy, productivity and thoughts. 

When I went to discuss with doc, this was when he first mentioned complex ptsd to me!  He thought topamax could be worth a go as it is also a mood stabiliser and sometimes used off label for PTSD.

It worked instantly for settling the compulsiveness.  I dont know if its placebo or because i can finally understand some things about myself !  Instead of distracting with compulsions I now really feel what I was trying to distract from which isnt easy, hence having talk therapy as well.

Topamax (topirimate) can have some terrible side effects for people but my dose is so low its all good for me.  I dont take any other psychiatric meds at this time.

Started this post for people to learn and share topamax experiences.

Posted August 26 (edited)
Hello I'm just making this thread to track my own awareness of complex ptsd as a source of ED and other behaviours.

Please don't reply

Imy not sure yet , but it seems to.me as though the (my) father was the bully with his own unique blend of stress, paranoia,  loneliness and probably cptsd from his own life.   He took it out on me with anger , physical  and verbal hostility,  mocking.  It was a weird world.  One where I could be welcomed one minute and despised the next.  It certainly wasn't safe,  either physically or emotionally.

I wasn't the only one who suffered this.  My mum got it .  Name calling,  physical abuse,  control.   She was stressed and depressed to the max at times though feelings were smothered in our house so I felt all this but it was never acknowledged.   I heard her shrieks and cries though.  And their hollering.   

I'm not sure if mums eating to cope was already a thing she did before dad,  but I noticed it happening.  And I joined in from an early age on the restriction diets.  And later , on my own,  I joined in on secret binging.  Then occasional purging.  Then my flight type enjoyed compulsive exercise! !  Then the burnt out body became sick and once again, numbed out (freeze type) with movies and binging.   As the weight went on and all the self loathing (dad's name calling and learnt isolation ) unconsciously took me down its path to nowhere,  I decided purging was my only option.  It was still only 'occasional' , but once I noticed I was up to once a week,  I knew I had a problem I couldn't solve alone.

I made myself stop and presumed fat fear would stop me binging but it didn't!  Fat fear didn't make me compulsively exercise either.  Or even moderately exercise!   This was something new I had no idea who I was now or how to handle it.
Glad to be rid of some behaviour but stuck with others!

That's when I went to doc and he told me about cptsd.  It made a lot of sense.
I've always had the food and body image issues, but I could never find a root cause for them.
no matter how closely I had looked , I could nor find anything rotten enough that happened to me.
I had decided years ago (wrongly it seems ) that I had food and body issues because I was brought up with them,  mirroring my mother and society in general.

What I had never seen clearly before is the harsh environment that both my mother and I were in.  The fat shaming,  the atmosphere of control and fear;  the needing to be something different to attempt to pacify the jekyll and Hyde that monitored us. 

Besides the family pain and feeling that,  I was blamed for my mother's breakdown (f you dad, you can take that one),  a robbery of my parents business,  I was punched, throttled,  left to pick myself up when I fell in a bed of nettles at 6 (dad walked off ), called all sorts of things like " unlovable,  cold hearted * (well yes u had become that by teens hadn't I! ), Noone will ever put up with you,  that won't last (any relationship ), fat, stupid,  horrid little girl ". 
I think that's enough for today.

Since I found about cptsd, I have taken a very low dose of a med to help with sleeping and have been having 3 meals a day.  It's like a switch flicked.
Acknowledgement is key.

And I guess I am just ripe for healing.
I've certainly put the yards in to get to this point.
Best wishes to all.

Adult female with childhood instilled trauma.  Still wanting to speak to a pro, but from Pete Walker book etc, these words seem appropriate :
verbal,  emotional,  physical, emotional abandonment, despised,  shamed, fear, favoritism.
The worst thing now is realising that I did early forgiveness, as I had no idea all this stuff was still there to heal. 
it was majorly re-triggered by  getting into relationship with a narc.
I have noone to verbally ventilate with, despite asking for help in several directions.  It's a waiting game.  Which is the worst.  I don't want to let it fester anymore,  but where else to put it if I can't get help?
I'm typical of someone who wasn't sexually abused; I trivialize and make excuses for it. 
In my twenties I decided not to have kids, as my experience of the world was not one I wanted to bear someone into (though at the time I had no idea I was looking through the lens of abuse ).
Once I escaped the helplessness (but academic perfection) of the home,  I became flight type.  I learnt how to participate fully (I had not be allowed to before ). 
I eventually burned out completely with illness and became more freeze type, with hypervigilence but lost assertiveness.
The messages I got are coming back loud in my head and body.  I'm only just now understanding that those are NOT things that are said to kids in a 'normal'  family.   
So really need to process that now and get on with a great life!
Thanks and best wishes