1. Estranged father came to my home last week, uninvited, unexpected and unwanted and kept ringing the doorbell. He would't go away so I asked my husband to answer it. DH told him to stop with the visits and my father played the victim and claimed he doesn't know what he's done wrong. On my part there's shame about this on two levels. Firstly, I didn't ever give my father a specific reason for no contact and just stopped engaging with him. I cannot deal with conflict and I know with him that there's just no point due to his delusions, lack of self awareness and little empathy. He loves drama too and will involve other people. I just want to be left to heal in peace. Secondly, there's the shame of his constant inability to take ownership of his behaviour - 4 YEARS since we last spoke and still he can't do the work and fathom out for himself that his behaviour drove me away? Plus I think he's only trying to pressure me into contact now after 4 years of no meaningful attempts because he's getting old, needs an operation and will want someone to drive him around to appointments because his wife can't drive. That in itself is shaming because he doesn't genuinely care about me at all, it's all about what I can do for him. Then there's the added shame of "well, should I be helping him out?"
2. I let a friendship die this past year and I feel bad about it still. I just can't get over the feeling that I've done something wrong and that I should have made more effort. To be honest though she had seemed pretty disinterested for a while and was sending mixed messages/only engaging really on her terms (but was still making more effort than I was in fairness), plus we didn't have much in common anymore. I'm conflicted about whether to get in touch and offer an olive branch anyway though, because we live in a small town and bumping into her is so awkward otherwise. It might be too much at the moment saying that, it had reached a point where we weren't hugely close and I can't be "fun" for her at the moment. I don't know whether depression, anxiety and CPTSD just completely skews my perception of it all and whether I can truly trust my feelings. I just don't know. Regardless, I feel shame over it.
3. When I first started at my husband's workplace 5 or so years ago a couple of his work colleagues' behaviour towards me was demeaning and passive aggressive. There were two or three occasions where I would see them smirking when I was talking or hear them making backhanded comments after I had left the room. Just high school bullying type behaviour really. I had a bit of a heart to heart over many things with my husband yesterday and this was one of the things I shared, which he was completely shocked and disappointed about because he's had a completely different experience with these two people and could never have imagined (one of them at least) behaving like this. Part of me is relieved to finally get my truth out there about this (why should I stay quiet?!) and part of me is ashamed that something about me provoked them to behave like this in the first place and that I've now potentially made things awkward for my husband. Thankfully I don't work there anymore, but he does. I assured him that I'm over it, that I understood that he has had a different experience with these people and that I don't expect him to react or make a deal out of it. I still feel bad about it though and wonder whether I should have told him or just kept quiet. Part of me also really wanted to finally let him know though.
4. Another of the many things that my husband and I spoke about yesterday was whether or not we want children. Honestly, it's not something I've ever had my heart set on and with my mental health where it is at the moment I just can't imagine coping with it or enjoying it. My husband is 50/50 and says that he could go either way with it, but he acknowledges that as the main breadwinner he wouldn't be the one having to deal with the day to day care (as much). I feel shame because as a woman of 33 I feel like I should really want this, and I just don't. I'm open to this changing if my mental health improves because maybe my outlook on life will too, but right now I just can't picture it. I wish I could just go back to my early 20s with the knowledge I have now, do the work on myself rather than sticking my head in the ground and reach the age I am now with a healthier sense of self, better boundaries, assertiveness, etc. All the things I want a child to have in their possession but which I just don't have a handle on right now. How can I teach a child these things if I can't healthily model it myself?
So there you go, just ranting really and getting these things out of my head. This is how my CPTSD informed brain is currently processing these things. Just feels like a lot to cope with right now.
2. I let a friendship die this past year and I feel bad about it still. I just can't get over the feeling that I've done something wrong and that I should have made more effort. To be honest though she had seemed pretty disinterested for a while and was sending mixed messages/only engaging really on her terms (but was still making more effort than I was in fairness), plus we didn't have much in common anymore. I'm conflicted about whether to get in touch and offer an olive branch anyway though, because we live in a small town and bumping into her is so awkward otherwise. It might be too much at the moment saying that, it had reached a point where we weren't hugely close and I can't be "fun" for her at the moment. I don't know whether depression, anxiety and CPTSD just completely skews my perception of it all and whether I can truly trust my feelings. I just don't know. Regardless, I feel shame over it.
3. When I first started at my husband's workplace 5 or so years ago a couple of his work colleagues' behaviour towards me was demeaning and passive aggressive. There were two or three occasions where I would see them smirking when I was talking or hear them making backhanded comments after I had left the room. Just high school bullying type behaviour really. I had a bit of a heart to heart over many things with my husband yesterday and this was one of the things I shared, which he was completely shocked and disappointed about because he's had a completely different experience with these two people and could never have imagined (one of them at least) behaving like this. Part of me is relieved to finally get my truth out there about this (why should I stay quiet?!) and part of me is ashamed that something about me provoked them to behave like this in the first place and that I've now potentially made things awkward for my husband. Thankfully I don't work there anymore, but he does. I assured him that I'm over it, that I understood that he has had a different experience with these people and that I don't expect him to react or make a deal out of it. I still feel bad about it though and wonder whether I should have told him or just kept quiet. Part of me also really wanted to finally let him know though.
4. Another of the many things that my husband and I spoke about yesterday was whether or not we want children. Honestly, it's not something I've ever had my heart set on and with my mental health where it is at the moment I just can't imagine coping with it or enjoying it. My husband is 50/50 and says that he could go either way with it, but he acknowledges that as the main breadwinner he wouldn't be the one having to deal with the day to day care (as much). I feel shame because as a woman of 33 I feel like I should really want this, and I just don't. I'm open to this changing if my mental health improves because maybe my outlook on life will too, but right now I just can't picture it. I wish I could just go back to my early 20s with the knowledge I have now, do the work on myself rather than sticking my head in the ground and reach the age I am now with a healthier sense of self, better boundaries, assertiveness, etc. All the things I want a child to have in their possession but which I just don't have a handle on right now. How can I teach a child these things if I can't healthily model it myself?
So there you go, just ranting really and getting these things out of my head. This is how my CPTSD informed brain is currently processing these things. Just feels like a lot to cope with right now.