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I'm not saying he would accept marriage counseling but I welcomed it, pushed for it even. Idk, maybe I'm not so geared toward the fight reaction as he is. Just thought I'd add that.

Yes, I think he is much more geared for fight that you.  He projects the inner critic's perfectionistic processes onto others all the time, just like Peter Walker said.  Therefore HE can never be wrong, and he would not like to go to a councilor who might suggest he is.

He is the C-ptsd Fight/Fawn that some people would call a covert narcissist.   I prefer the newer term that understands where it comes from, and is less stigmatizing. 

 Rainagain, marriage guidance is not an option.  He won't.  These fight-types don't readily accept that.

I emailed him last night saying that if he wants, since I don't have job and thereby can't move out,  I could live in the shed in exchange for chores like cleaning.    It's not as bad as it sounds; we've got a luxurious 12'X12' shed with electricity and wi/fi, and it's full of my tools... I like being there.

He hasn't responded; but he rarely does.  I usually have arguments with him online because that gives us time to think about what we say, and also... you can't go back and say you didn't say that.   So he may be mulling on it.  Or he may be totally ignoring it.

[him]

He definitely doesn't feel safe at work.  And there's no way out of that.  He's worked himself into a higher management position, and the truth of higher management people is... well... they have a lot in common, so work is not the safest of places.   I am not working.  We have debts.  And jobs like his don't grow on trees.  We have moved around a lot for him to have a high paying job.

He also doesn't feel safe at home. He blames me for a lot of things.  In fact, I think deep down he wants me to go away.  But he can't say that because saying that would make him the "bad person"; I've got to be the bad person who "wrecked the family" by separating from him.   

But i don't have a job.  I've tried and tried to find work.  No luck.  Without a job I won't be able to rent a room somewhere.

[Fight]

My question is to People Who Primarily Have the Fight Response. 

So, husband seems to be a person with mostly maladaptive fight response, with fawn as a second.  I know he was abused as a child, never had father, and rejected, guilt tripped, and used like a slave by his mother.

So it's not his fault that he is the way he is.  His focus is on his hurt.  Which I can understand.  Why wouldn't your focus be on your hurt?  Except he's hurting his own family, and he doesn't seem to recognize it.  He's essentially hurting me because his mother hurt him, but he doesn't realize it. 

So my question is to People Who Primarily Have the Fight Response:
When did you realize that you were hurting others, and that was not okay?

One such person said that reading Understanding Your Borderline Mother helped him understand himself.
So I wonder if buying him book would help.  But it's iffy if he would read it. 

Seriously... after 24 year of marriage, I wonder if throwing up my hands, yelling THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS, and leaving would be a better solution.  But I actually LIKE him.  And care about him getting better for his sake... no one should be in that much pain.

I am hoping to find someone who can relate to my story, since it's unusual to be sexually abused by a woman. Or maybe it isn't?

This article says rapes of men are way under-reported, and often done by women:
http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2014/04/male_rape_in_america_a_new_study_reveals_that_men_are_sexually_assaulted.html

I definitely process things slower.  I think it contributes to my dyslexia and auditory processing disorder that I think I have (never been diagnosed).  I've seen slow processing linked to gifted students.   It might be Sensory Processing Disorder, and I've seen that link to trauma. 

I am interested in hearing from men who have been through therapy for cptsd.  I get frustrated with my therapist (T) sometimes.  I am very literal and "bottom line" oriented.  I find myself thinking, "can we just skip to the answer".

I am interested in hearing the opinions of women on this board, including their take on this post.

Hi Complicated Man,

I am also very literal.

My pet peeve with therapists is they usually have a pet diagnosis that they want to pin on everyone.  For example, one thought I was in denial about my sexual orientation; I am not.  Another one thought I had ADD; I do not.  Another one thought she could "cure" me in a few sessions with behavioral therapy; I knew she could not.

I think that T's want you to find "the answer" for yourself, rather then "skipping to the answer".  They try to lead you there, but not tell you where they are going because they think if they tell you "the answer" you'll just reject it.  Unfortunately that meant I had to go thru many sessions the one who didn't believe in my orientation, before I figured out where she was going with it.

I feel better with male therapists, although I won't reject trying a female one.  But I haven't found a T that I am very comfortable with yet.    I think I should look for one who says their is focus is PTSD, so at least we are on the same page about one thing.  My gender is trans man.

I'm not sure if anyone has posted about Comprehensive Resource Model (CRM) therapy.   But I found this article interesting: http://www.newsweek.com/2017/03/31/trauma-ptsd-therapy-comprehensive-resource-model-treats-untreatable-572367.html

I stumbled across this page: https://www.eti.training/single-post/2015/03/15/The-Egg-and-the-Chicken-Trauma-Sensory-Integration

It say that Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) and trauma are linked.  It says they don't know if having SPD made them prone to having trauma, or having trauma cause them to have SPD.  But I totally agree with this article that this has not received enough attention!

I know in my life I think the trauma caused it.  Trauma caused me to avoid sensory stimulation at a young age... and not having anything to process made me bad at it.... at least that what I figure.   

People often associate SPD with Aspergers, and can misdiagose it with ADHD or ADD.  And I've wondered about those things too in the past.    But I feel now that I just have trauma-caused SPD.   

I'm sure you could have ADD and C-PTSD.   But I think having the Freeze response contributes to having ADD-like symptoms. 

I was diagnose with ADD once, but I think it's a misdiagnosis.   The medication didn't help. 

I am also slower at most tasks, and have poor memory.  I think that is because I have what is called "slow processing".   It is not a disorder, but could lead to other disorders like dyslexia and audio processing disorder, which I'm sure I have to a degree.

Afraid of people is the way I am too.  I'm not afraid of anything else, just people.   

It's weird, but I find that "studying the enemy" works to help with my fear.    Once I studied personality types, and knew how various people "worked", it led to believing that I *AM* one of them... just my own particular type of them.   

It would make more sense. 

I've read were a therapist didn't take C-PTSD seriously because they thought that all PTSD was complex.  But that's not what it means.

I was thinking about a panic attack I had recently, and I realized it had two components.  The first was a EF that sent quite suddenly into a deep depression that was situational and resolved when I left the building.  And the panic attack was at the end when I saw someone who had triggered me before and I thought I couldn't avoid them.

I realized that the EF was really the thing that didn't understand.  I could find no trigger for it.   Then I realized that I had been uncomfortable before the EF... but I was the kind of uncomfortable-ness I was used to.  It was just life.  I had to put up with it many times in my life.  So it wasn't the kinda thing I would think of as trigger.   

And I thought.... maybe this means that I've let my guard down enough to actually feel.   
Does this happen?

Thanks Wife#2, I'll try your suggestion.

Even little things like, "Can I have the car tomorrow, or will you come back at noon to get me?" he seems to have a problem answering, so I wind up going to bed not knowing if I have to wake up early to go with him, or not.

I really suspect it's all about keeping me off kilter to control me.  But I'm not going to put up with it anymore.

[know]

I remember when I was a little kid with my babysitter, and I was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  I was telling her that if you hold the sandwich in particular way it tastes like it has more jelly.    Her response was that if I wanted more jelly, I could just ask.
Her response floored me!  I didn't even know that I wanted more jelly, let alone that I could ask for something that I wanted.  I just thought that life provided me with things, and I had to live with it even if I didn't like it.  And because that was the way it was, there was no point in even thinking about what I wanted.

Unfortunately, I stayed the same boundaryless person after the peanut and jelly incident, but it did plant a seed in my mind.

Before I came to this site, I thought that boundaries were simple mundane things, like keeping your feet off the table.  But it's really about knowing what you want, and being able to ask for it.   IF YOU CAN'T ASK FOR IT, HOW WOULD THEY KNOW? 

I learned another thing too:  If you ask for something, and the other person goes flying off the handle, and uses misdirection by accusing you of all you did wrong... instead of just simply contemplating providing what you want... THEY HAVE THE PROBLEM, NOT YOU.

The problem I currently have is asking my partner things, and not getting a response.  He recently admitted to feeling pressured to give me a response.  However, I feel pressured to live with the uncertainty of not knowing the answer till the last second, leaving me unable to plan.   I just recently understood how it makes me feel pressured.   Currently working up the courage to tell him that.