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Messages - Erebor

#1
I've been thinking about similar things and rereading Pete Walker's steps for tackling the Inner Critic has been very helpful. I'll quote the three that stand out the most to me.
Quote
PERFECTIONISM ATTACKS
Perfectionism My perfectionism arose as an attempt to gain safety and support in my dangerous family. Perfection is a self-persecutory myth. I do not have to be perfect to be safe or loved in the present. I am letting go of relationships that require perfection. I have a right to make mistakes. Mistakes do not make me a mistake. Every mistake or mishap is an opportunity to practice loving myself in the places I have never been loved.

Micromanagement/Worrying/Obsessing/
Looping/ Over-Futurizing I will not repetitively examine details over and over. I will not jump to negative conclusions. I will not endlessly second-guess myself. I cannot change the past. I forgive all my past mistakes. I cannot make the future perfectly safe. I will stop hunting for what could go wrong. I will not try to control the uncontrollable. I will not micromanage myself or others. I work in a way that is "good enough", and I accept the existential fact that my efforts sometimes bring desired results and sometimes they do not. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference" - The Serenity Prayer


ENDANGERMENT ATTACKS
Drasticizing/Catastrophizing/Hypochondrisizing I feel afraid but I am not in danger. I am not "in trouble" with my parents. I will not blow things out of proportion. I refuse to scare myself with thoughts and pictures of my life deteriorating. No more home-made horror movies and disaster flicks.
Negative focus I renounce over-noticing & dwelling on what might be wrong with me or life around me. I will not minimize or discount my attributes. Right now, I notice, visualize and enumerate my accomplishments, talents and qualities, as well as the many gifts Life offers me, e.g., friends, nature, music, film, food, beauty, color, pets, etc.

#2
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hey:)
December 11, 2019, 07:25:20 PM
Hello Northman, and welcome to the forum. I wish you and your family all the best. :)
#3
Thank you notalone and Kizzie. Your support is greatly appreciated.

I will have a look for CSA groups in my area. I've already found some free counselling for survivors of CSA so I believe I might start there.
#4
Thank you notalone.

My reaction to reading your post was ''Oh dear''. I don't know if I am really in a place to handle processing this, but ignoring the covert CSA traumas seemed to be making things worse. And now I am more in touch with my worst known experience of overt CSA and processing some emotions about it for the first time. Things seem to be snowballing slowly from there. I hoped the depression would decrease but the opposite has happened.

I have been trying to rediscover any lost memories that would give me an answer once and for all about whether something happened, but now I think that is perhaps a bad idea. If I blocked it out, it was because I couldn't handle it. Maybe I'm not in the right place to do that yet. If that's the case, I wonder why my unconscious mind pushed SA trauma to the front of my thoughts when I ignored it.

Once again, I think I should find a therapist. That is daunting.

editing after posting to say that it has just occurred to me that I might be waiting for my biological F to die of old age before I can feel safe enough to unpack the past completely.
#5
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re/Claiming Denied Interests!
December 09, 2019, 04:47:51 AM
Hello everyone.  A while ago another user and I were discussing reclaiming, or indeed claiming for the first time, interests and hobbies our abusers or cultic backgrounds denied us. We both thought it would be good to have a thread for people to share their journeys in re/claiming things. That conversation was a while ago but it stayed with me and I wanted a thread for sharing.

I am currently exploring body modifications and my feelings about them. I'm realising I have convincingly mimicked my mother's disgust and criticisms of them, because although I have never found them to be so unpleasant, I feel afraid of her knowing that... or rejecting me for liking something so ''wrong''.

I have convinced myself that these are genuinely my opinions, too. When I question that, I can feel my deep fearful submissiveness, how I am afraid that I must follow the rules. Interesting, I will feel and reflect more on this.  :disappear:
#6
Hello all,

I am currently trying to keep myself afloat amidst lethargic depression and increasing awareness of covert and overt CSA I have experienced. I was aware of some of my traumas, but I thought it was (edit: almost) entirely covert and that nothing 'really bad' could have happened to me . From adolescence I dismissed my great fear of CSA and inability to cope with it being talked about as hypersensitivity that did not relate to any personal exposure to it... writing this down I am not quite sure how I managed to sell myself that line.

I recently read the account of a survivor of attempted CSA. She experienced strange symptoms that I can relate to, and in therapy she discovered that they stemmed from the assault.  These symptoms included feeling afraid and unable to sleep at night if she did not have a safe adult in the house; compulsive, intrusive fears of 'something' waiting behind corners to jump out at her, or of terrible monsters lurking in the dark in her room. There may have been some other symptoms, but these are the two that really stood out to me.

I had (and sometimes still have) both of those experiences, along with many more that I cannot yet bring myself to share but that all share a repulsive and unspoken feeling of intended threat or sexual predation. If something 'really bad' did happen to me, is it possible I might not remember it but experience related fears, anxieties, shame, feeling sexualised, bad feelings in my body etc?

**Possible TW**

I am wondering if anyone else here has recurringly experienced crawling/prickling sensations in inappropriate places, that feel horrible and intrusive and like something to run away from? I experienced this regularly at a young age, and since going NC with my F it has ceased, unless I talk about him.  Since beginning to process more of the covert and overt CS in recent weeks, it returned with a vengeance.

It all feels quite overwhelming and scary, so I am hoping I might find some support here.
#7
1) Getting back to this forum, and rediscovering the relief of finding other souls with similar experiences.

2) Journalling. I am expanding the variety of journals I keep, and investing in my soul's instinct that writing will help me heal.

3) I made it this far.
#8
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re: Wrangle a Ferret
April 18, 2019, 09:03:56 PM
Excellent description.
#9
1) Reading OOTS again, and journalling, is helping me 'get back on the (recovery) horse' so to speak - realising that I'm very focused on other people's opinions, issues, and feelings.  For instance, I dismissed my interest in getting tattoos because my mother is strongly against them.  Even though she wouldn't stop me getting one!

2) Realised that I've been engaging in workaholicism (and then crashing and burning into freeze mode from it).

3) I am able to learn Pete Walker's steps for resolving FBs.
#10
1) Stopped flighting/freezing over the last two days, realised that I'm very depressed and how little I've been reading Pete Walker's books for months now.

2) Got over a little more of my fear of IT problems and worked on some major software issues!

3) Realised that my Inner Critic is running the show in terms of my thoughts/feelings/fears about the future.
#11
Family / Re: Ongoing enmeshment with mother
September 14, 2018, 02:52:21 PM
Thanks for your kind words Jdog. It's rough but I think I'm going to get there!
#12
1) Got up in the morning instead of the afternoon! :D Good job me, I really wanted to and I managed it.

2) I've got a bit of a plan for cooking food in advance of when I need it, to decrease stress AND help me look after myself with healthy food.

3) I spent some time reading about the importance of exercise and I'm going to do some now.
#13
1) Tomorrow I'm going to make an appointment with a support-lady to talk over my situation and get some much-needed support.

2) I'm learning that 10-20 minutes of work on looking after my home is better than going into a flight-fueled panic clean.

3) I'm now going to go to bed! :) At a much healthier time.
#14
Family / Re: Can't communicate things properly
July 21, 2018, 05:18:54 PM
I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time, it sounds very frustrating

Quoteand that I should have just asked if she made me any because asking if I should make my own with the keurig implied something (???).

Just a thought, in my FOO comments like 'Should I just make my own drink from now on?' or 'I'll do x myself' were used as a manipulative punishment tactic by my NPD-F. 

The implication of the first comment was that the person on the receiving end didn't care about him, because they hadn't made the drink (or hadn't made it fast enough), or had expressed reluctance about doing so. 

The implication of the second comment was a broader no one loves him anymore guilt-trip.

In either case, his comments were intended to make us feel bad and jump to convincing him to let us complete the task instead (and that we cared about him).

I wonder if your stepmom is hypersensitive to, like san said, perceived attacks, in particular perceived emotionally manipulative ones?  I was a little like that after going NC with my NPD-F. 

QuoteThe thing is, I know she's been bullied and intimidated into being passive and silent her whole life. She's told me some things, and I feel bad because I don't want to be a part of that. It's just that she sees hidden meaning or implied meanings in what I say

I guess the only other thing I have to offer is that you're not responsible for her emotional wellbeing, or for making up for how others have treated her, if that's what you mean.  It's on your stepmom to recover herself, and the way she's dealing with you does not sound healthy.
#15
General Discussion / Re: Assertiveness?
July 21, 2018, 04:57:33 PM
I like your way of viewing it as an ongoing project and referring to it as training, Sasha.  Sounds like it makes it okay when things the critic would view as 'mistakes/errors' happen.  Congrats for tackling it! :)

Quote from: Sasha on July 20, 2018, 11:35:39 PM
- Learning by heart and stating to myself "my feelings are important too".

- Taking the time I need to check in with how I feel, and using phrases such as "hmm I'm not sure right now. Can I get back to you about that later?" And "I need a minute to think".

I think I could definitely take baby steps at practicing those two tools.  The first one, that our feelings are important too, is easy to forget with CPTSD, but I'm getting a bit better at listening to myself!  And those ways of giving yourself permission to step back from something and take your time are great tools to have on hand, too. 

Quote from: Sasha on July 20, 2018, 11:35:39 PM

I wonder - what does the assertiveness you seek look like to you? If you visualise the assertive person you want to step into being, what do they look like? How do they behave? What measures do they take? What do they say and how do they say it? 

That's an excellent question that makes me realise I'm not sure I know what my assertiveness would look like... although I think, interestingly, that in the past my imagined assertive me was reminiscent of my F, the only (and most) assertive person I knew.  A lot of food for thought with those questions, thank you Sasha.  They present a different way of thinking that's helpful to take my concept of assertiveness from a vague notion of being able to stand up for myself, to a fleshed out goal of where I want to head in interpersonal dealings.