Messages

Wings,
Wow! I can't tell you how much what you said just clicked with me. 

Staying in an abusive environment does not mean that I deserved it.  I can honestly say I never would have thought of it that way.  Thank you so much for saying that.  That simple statement does give me hope.

My story is exactly as what you described.  I stayed for fear, for survival and also for love.

Back to you and thanks.  The revelation you gave me today is nothing short of HUGE

Thanks all for your words of support.

You know what's strange? If it was anyone, other than myself, I would view the situation differently. I'd never say it was their fault...  but I just can't get there in regards to myself.  I just can't let myself off the hook I guess 

Thanks San,
Thanks 

Snowdrop,
Wow I agree with Bach. You said that so beautifully and concisely .  That does ring true.  Maybe it is the illusion of choice that is getting me down.  Maybe we can't see our choices clearly when we are in the depths of abuse.  Maybe that's a piece of it too.

Eidolon
Thanks, and yes a hug is always nice 

Thanks blueberry

Tee,
Thanks.    I needed that

Snowdrop,
What if it is my fault that I let abuse continually happen?  Why didn't I think to get out of there?

Tee,
Thanks, missed ya too. I guess the point you are making about choice is what I'm grappling with. She chose to hit me... I chose to keep getting sucked back in.

Bach,
Good to hear from you too. You are right of course... my abusers are always in my head 

It's been a long time...

I had to get away from the forum for awhile.  I'm scared of my trauma becoming too much a part of who I am.  I do believe that my trauma is bigger than me.  I figure most of us do...

I'm scared of always dealing with fallout from my abuse.  I told a friend that I don't want to be a "lifer" on the forum. I don't want to be a lifer in therapy, I want to heal fully... I want to move on.

I know I don't post here much... or at all anymore.

I'm struggling with something at the moment... well all week really.

I've had the same flashback 4 times this week... it's "missing a piece"   The piece it is missing is what I said right before the physical abuse.  I said something... or answered a question... or something to set her off.

Immediately after I said it I was yanked to my feet to be punished.

What if I deserved it?  I always hear people say that everything happens for a reason.  What if I'm to blame? Maybe I did deserve it.  That was the constant message I was told.  I let it happen, over and over again.

If everything happens for a reason... why did so much PA happen to me? I'm afraid the answer is because I deserved it. I brought it on myself.

Please do not read if you are triggered by PA**** major abuse here.  I just had to get this stupid flashback out of me!!!

Flashback Sunday:
I had a bad flashback on Sunday.

My husband was gone at tennis.  I was going upstairs to get some laundry and "it" was there.  Top of the stairs... he must have taken it off and then carried it up but not put it in the bedroom. 

HUGE flashback:
Full on immersive:  me, over the couch... for some reason I was not depersonalized.  I'm getting as low as I can on the couch.  Trying to time it slightly & push down when it hits. I'm caught for doing this, and my hair is yanked, I arc my back and stand up slightly... I hear her in my ear... hissing... I'm adding 3 for that... it hurts and I bite my lip hard...

I am finished and I crumple to the ground... backside to the couch... I don't want her to hurt me anymore.  I'm dumb, how did I think I'd get away with that? It's my fault.

I come back to... I'm gripping the carpet with both hands... sort of sitting but pitched  forward.  I tried to get up but the body memory was there full force and it wasn't a good one.  So I ended up laying there and having an anxiety attack...  I dunno how long... body memory hung around for the day. 

Hello all,
I've been posting less and less here.  I'm doing emdr.  I've been doing it for awhile now.  It seems to be uncovering quite a bit.  Some of it is helpful... some of it really hurts.

I've separated myself from some of the emotions from my past.  That feeling of dread... knowing when the pain will come (physical or emotional)... but emdr makes connections there.

So yeah... I'm stepping away from the forum.  I feel I need to rely on my T to help me navigate this process. 

I may be back, just not right now

Wow this really resonates with me.

I "know" much of the same.  That darkness that eclipses is what I looked at during emdr this week.  So many memories, flashbacks, nightmares of it.  Sometimes I wished I could pass out... ya know?  So yeah dissociation became the next learned defense.

Beautifully written.

I'm so sorry for all that you have "known"

Ugh,
Been feeling this way too much lately.  I keep dissociating during emdr. It seems to be my latest (unwanted) coping strategy.

I wish it would stop

Not alone, hope, 3R,
First day went well.  It was a lot of meetings and preparations for the upcoming year. 

It looks like I will be teaching 4 different classes.  I long for the way things used to be, where I could see my students and hug them and ask them about their summers.

Now it's all social distancing, cleaning protocols and online curriculum.  Frustrating but all I can do is to keep on keeping on.

Much love to you all!

Vertigo is gone I think! Yay!  It was rough there for a few days.

School starts for me this Friday.  My son is looking forward to going back to daycare because I've kept him home through all this. Problem is we will have to limit contact with my in laws and my family now that my son will be in daycare.

So yeah, some intrepidation about the upcoming week but hoping that others will be in the same boat as me and I can adjust accordingly.

Hello all,
Been feeling good considering school is about to start up.  I'm in a strange situation because I'm in a different district than my son.  He will be doing online schooling and I will be back in person.

I start up Friday of next week.

The annoying thing is that my vertigo rocked my world yesterday and I'm still feeling the effects today.  I'm hopeful I'm back to normal by tomorrow.

Take care all!