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I love this description of your awareness. What a wonderful milestone.  Thank you for sharing it.  Sounds like all your effort towards recovery is really working.  Yay you!

It also made me think of a lot of people who feel triggered by loud sounds. Myself included. I bet abusive voices could be in their pasts too...I look forward to seeing how this plays out for you over time.  I can imagine now meeting a loud sound trigger with thoughts of how it sounds loud like dad, then moving on to another more helpful thought could happen... or something else?  I'm not really sure.  Again, thank you.

About three weeks ago I realized that my entire childhood/family of origin experience included domestic violence.   And that a child witnessing domestic violence experiencing nearly the same psychological/physical response as if the violence were happening to the child.  And the domestic violence still happening for my mother, many many years...  It's mostly emotional and verbal, but my father will grab at hands, slap, throw stuff.  It's not the traditional media portrayal with choking or punching.   It's the classic pattern with periods of "calm" and "love" and "kindness."  And I was recently made aware of bizarre physical abuse by my father towards me, like pouring dinner on my head when he was angry.  I had honestly blocked that one out.  I am coming to terms w/the fact that I had denied and repressed this reality.  At first as a child to stay safe, and then simply continued the denial on into adulthood like many trauma survivors.

I've contacted dv hotline, worked through emotional/verbal abuse and neglect both by my parents and my first husband.  But this feels new.  Different.

Thankfully I have better support now: therapy, insurance, secure work, my brother, my husband and a few friends in real life.

I would appreciate any validation, empathy, similar experiences, ideas or other input from this group.

Thank you,

C.

I had a similar situation when my son was in middle school and I was in the early stages of healing.  Another option might be caring for other dogs in some way?  I don't know how all of this works right now w/social distancing and the pandemic though...
What my son and I did was to volunteer at an animal shelter to walk dogs and socialize cats.  It was fun, community service, and met a need to be around animals.  Another was we cared for a neighbor's dog.  For me these activities were better than the responsibility of taking on a pet 24/7.  It also can be good training for future pet ownership.  Maybe plan to volunteer for a while and then decide?  I think it's so beautiful that you have such compassion for your son and dogs.  I know you will find the solution that is unique to and works best for your family.

That sounds so uncomfortable.  I'm sorry that no one took you seriously as a child and it sounds like the words and advise you received just made things worse.  I too am becoming aware of childhood somatic trauma symptoms that still follow me today.  Although painful, becoming aware, at least for me, has some healing just in itself.  I commend your courage to be true to who you are in figuring this out, what it is and what you need to do to feel better.  To me, it sounds like you are on your way towards more healing.

Thank you for the welcome three Roses and Marta1234!

Thank you Kizzie!🤗

Hello Again,

I am back after taking a break from this group for a few years.  I healed from an emotionally abusive marriage and emotional parental abuse/neglect, and then recently became aware of more childhood trauma...ugh!  I had a full on panic attack last week but at this point in my life it came w/dangerously high blood pressure.  So I am reaching out again here, getting more therapy, medicine, and medical treatment.  Fortunately I now have a supportive husband and Faith to also help me through this journey.  I love this group, all it has to offer and know it works.  Here's to all of us continuing the journey towards healing, whatever path that might be.

C.

Welcome to this forum. I hope and believe that you will find some common experiences and support in this community.  I know that I do.  I too came across Pete Walker's book and used it for a great part of my healing.  And I have a brother where we've both recently been able to begin speaking and healing from our childhood pain, and we are in our 50's.  Thank you for having the courage to reach out here, it's so true that seeing others reach out and heal, heals us all.  Welcome.

During my therapy this week I heard words that brought healing tear to my eyes.  A deep and profound understanding.

I heard "healing yourself also contributes to a Greater Good."  I realized that all of this healing in real life truly impacts others in a positive way too.  I'd recently made some choices to allow the "real" me to be present at work.  Then I saw that it helped others.  All along I've been thinking of my healing as independent, alone, self-focused.  And although I understood it to be necessary a part of me wished to be a part again of some bigger and greater than myself.  So I've added a new mantra to my thoughts that I really love...

"healing myself also helps the Greater Good"

Dear My New Ambition,

Welcome home Ambition.  I wasn't expecting you.  You see, I thought that you'd packed your bags and left for good.  And I thought that was ok w/me because you had always dressed to impress others.  And w/my divorce you seemed an unwelcome guest who only complicated my life.

But the other day you visited.  I felt your familiar presence yet it wasn't so unpleasant.  Perhaps you've changed.  Is your intent different?  Are you really interested in ME?  I felt you remind me of the professional power I hold within.  A capacity to contribute.  Perhaps in ways I've not yet explored.

So I have accepted your nearness and as long as you behave, and you have MY best interests at heart, you may visit and reside.  Show me your new self bit by bit and I will get to know you.

Of course you know me and my desire to know the end at the beginning.  What does this relationship mean?  Yet I will do my best to quiet those anxious questions and simply us be together.  I look forward to getting to know the new you.

Sincerely,

My New ME

Yes i think execise is a part of it for me.  Good point.  It contribures to that "feeling" of recovery.

yes to everything here.  so much wisdom and insight.  thank you.  i want a face that represents peace and serenity...but my daughter and i agreed maybe that's everything.  it's on the inside, not out, so hard to draw...wishing you all a great day and thanks again.

Welcome back Foggy.  I am happy to see you again!   I hope it has been affirming to you that the community is still here for you.

I have been having those moments lately too.  It's so invigorating.  I am so very happy for you and thanks for sharing it here so that we can celebrate together.

Ambition

Hellllloooooo....
Where are you?
Where did you go?
I know that you were here the other day
Well, a few years ago
I remember when your power
Pushed me forward
Inspired towards that
Goal
What goal?
Some goal...
To get There
Where?
You know, there...

But, now
You hide
Under a rock
Out of sight
What can I do?
How do I push forward?
Without You