Messages

I am glad to hear it struck a chord for you.  A reason to not keep my "journal" private, but share.  At least the themed entries.

Zombies

I dreamed about zombies last night.  Or more like this morning.  And every time I woke up scared and went to sleep again, assuming the dream would change.  But it didn't change,  I was scared and running, trying to connect w/a "safe" group.  The younger people seemed safer.

When I work up the metaphor hit hard.  Abandonment.  Zombies are people who you loved who abandon you.  People who loved, or who you thought loved, you.  But is it abandonment?  Because they come back.  But they come back intent on harming you.  They want to eat you alive.

Zombies.  CPTSD means I have been surrounded by zombies.  Dead people who want to consume me.  And the only hope for survival is to flee.  Or to kill.

And once free it can be confusing.  Because zombies at first look like real people.  So sometimes I think a person is a person, but it's a zombie.  And sometimes I think a zombie is a zombie, but it's a person.

So I, and many around me, stay fascinated w/zombies.  They tell our backstory.  The dramatic monster that represents trauma.  And the resilience needed to first survive, and next thrive, in a world full of zombies.

Grief and closure and grief and closure and grief and closure...

Closure
I felt it this year.  That relief that comes w/knowing the ending.  That it's done.  And faith that the right beginning(s) are just around the corner, or over that hill, but they are there.  I cannot see them, or hear them, but I know.  And that's enough.  Kind conversational ending and touch from Mr. A. Telling him no, never again...you love me but will never commit.  That isn't good for me.  I'm done. Realization that Ms.B isn't really a friend, and that's ok.  Closing the door one final time on the "C last name" family home.  Waving good-bye to my elderly cat as she moved from daughter's arms and into her car, headed for a new home of her own.  Unpacking every single box from the "C"family life and placing it in the garbage, goodwill, or a permanent storage space.

I cannot write more.  It hurts to put it all together.  Yet for each ending I was able to move through it like "normal" grief.  The sadness, the anger and finally acceptance.  It didn't stick to me, or consume me, or send me on a risky avoidant path of self-destruction.  Now they are relatively healed scars.  Part of me.

But I am no longer just scars.  I now see those large places of health throughout my being.  Untouched and mine.

I've heard that you can be cured from C-PTSD.  I don't believe that anymore.  At least not for me.  I believe that you can learn to live with your C-PTSD in a general state of contentment.  Free of serious symptoms.  Yet, I wouldn't trade this illness now for it has gifted me with a sensitivity, compassion, and empathy few others seem to understand.  The "recipe"that is ME mixes together this injury with salty tears, sighs of relief, the will to dance when others won't, and an inner-peace that is ME.  And I like ME.  Sometimes i bug me, irritate me, frustrate me, but under it all....I love ME.

Grief
This week I was surprised to face feelings of grief in moments of positivity.  A
supportive conversation w/a friend who I thought had abandoned me.  Funds received in a punctual manner from my exH.  A profound and empathetic response from my little brother to my reality, the one I never told him about. 

Then the clincher.  My BF joyfully offering and following through w/tackling my backyard.  Weeds, tall grass, a mower, gloves, and .  He donned them happily and finished my yard entirely of his own volition and knowing it would help my son since that's his chore.  But the experience haunted me.  I felt sad.  And I couldn't figure out why.  Why am I sad? about such a selfless act of service by someone who loves and accepts me.  Then memories surfaced in my brain and my heart did that familiar pause, and I wept.  I wept b/c no one had ever done something so selfless and kind outside for me, all the while wanting my companionship and assistance.  My parents grumbled and growled at the teenager who refused to weed, my exH seldomly finished an outdoor task.  He started off gung ho, but his enthusiasm petered off after 20-30 minutes and I was left alone to finish.  So this wonderful, beautiful moment was tainted by a history of grief about yard work.  I moved through that pain, sadness and anger.  I sought out support from a few understanding friends and my therapist.  And now?  Well, now I am going to buy myself some new work gloves, fill the lawn mower w/gasoline and learn to enjoy yard work again with this loving man I call "boy friend."

I hope I can one day accept the distance I must maintain from my parents and exH in order to be healthy.  On the outside they are so smiley, so talkative, so "upbeat."  But that isn't what I see or feel.  And I hope to one day really see and believe this truth.  That for me, they are toxic.  A poisonous flower.  And it's best to stick to looking every once in a while through a glass, at a distance.  That is my form of love, compassion and acceptance for people who unwittingly or willfully injured me.  I cannot hate or stay angry.  Because fault and blame no longer matter to me.  They simply do not seem to be a part my nature from my experience.  And if I never look I may find myself on the self-destructive path of avoidance.  So sometimes I can look and touch for a moment, but I must know when and how, b/c otherwise it becomes deadly to a parts of me I now hold so dear.   My heart.  My soul.  My thoughts.  My truth.  My feel

Lingering grief or guilt?
But, if I am honest with myself I know that I still feel some guilt at my need for distance.  They want me.  I will always be their daughter, the ExW who he thinks could one day fe a "friend" and I somehow feel that biological need to please, to "appreciate."  I wish they could understand that I do appreciate and accept.  But for my own reasons of Faith and of Love.  And always, always, from a distance.

Grief and Closure
So, perhaps, closure and grief never end.  And that's ok w/me now.  At least for today.

Favorite quote about a story, any story, my story
A beginning, a middle, and a twist...(RL Stine)

I agree.  Great story and I look forward to hearing more 

Hello Whobuddy and Tired,

This topic sparked an interest for me because I feel like I am in a similar situation and working through some similar challenges.  First, the career that I dedicated myself to for 20+ years became a poor fit after my divorce and increased CPTSD symptoms and triggers.  It paid well too, but not when I simply couldn't do the job.  I have since found a job that I like with hours that I like that appears to pay very little.  However, I find that I have enough money to survive and even thrive. 

This week I have been thinking about my struggles to get to this point and I noticed a lot of the "old tapes" placed in my brain by caregivers and an ex-husband that turned in to my inner critic.  For example "you have to work full-time, 40+ hours, in order to survive" and another was "a low paying job makes you a less important or valuable person." 

I recently had the opportunity to go back down to a 30 hour work week and after some initial fear about being able to pay my bills I decided that it is possible and that I love my quality of life with a 30 hour work week.  Especially since my teenage son and recovery take a similar amount of emotional toll as my job. 

As for thinking I am somehow a worse person b/c I earn less, I continue to struggle and talk back to that demon.  Because ultimately I do believe that money doesn't determine a person's worth.  I feel my work is valuable and I like it so I just keep pushing that thought away.  I have found that I look at people who earn less in a different light than I used to do.  I used to have some kind of pity, or assumption that they don't really want to do the work or some other negative thought.  Mind you, these all come from my FOO and ex, but sadly I took them on to so I really try to return to my core which is to see and treat people as equals.  To look at qualities not "production" or "performance."

Spending.  Yes, I enjoy shopping and buying myself things.  I am learning to moderate my spending "treats."

Finally, I have found that when I do something I enjoy the rest follows.  I am still often surprised that I have more spending money with 1/3 the income that I had five years ago.  The difference is my divorce.  My ex was expensive!  Now I spend on what I value and seem to have enough...

So those are a few thoughts and parallel experiences for whatever they are worth.  I agree that you have a great service to offer and applaud you finding a skill that you like and do well.  And awareness of your challenges.  I also notice that Inner Critic does seem pretty harsh w/you about earning and your career.  You are taking steps and doing a lot of things well.  Whatever steps you take to handle your finances I trust they will work for you.

loved these pics.  thanks!  brought quite a smile to my face.  it's fun to see the "IC" in other adults too

Thank you Yvette.  Yes, writing is a great creative outlet for me and you illuminate the meaning well.  I love pomegranates on so many levels.  They invoke positive childhood memories since we had a tree in our back yard...must represent my inner child.  Yet they seem so incredibly grown up, beautiful like a brilliant ruby.  Sensual to taste and "pop" in my mouth...and the red representing the heart.  Love.

my daughter stayed w me for two days over the new year.  I think that is the most i have had her around for quite some time.  we had a nice talk where i was able to explain that i do not want to speak ill of her father, but that as her mother and in parenting her that could include conversations about him in order to help her.  she heard me and did not get defensive like she has in the past.  she even said she has been feeling angry w him, something a loooong time coming...i let her know thats ok and normal and sometimes we need anger to get us further down the road of growth and healing.  again, she listened...phew!!!!

i miss my BF a lot, but he writes nearly every day via email and tells me he misses me, looks forward to seeing me, thinking of me and will be state side soon. 

plus my counselor is completely unavailable for a week

plus my boss seems to think its fine to schedule me all weekend days every week forever, grrr!!!

but in spite of these challenges i feel ok, like bothered, irritated, mildly unhappy, but then the next thought is that it will get better, tomorrow is another day and i just do not have the feelings so BIG.  what a relief!!!

Hi Indirica, 

I think I understand a little about the challenge of finding the right medical mix.  We're all different and it's tricky to find the right combo for the right symptoms when taking medications.  I too have joint and back pains and the med I take helps w/that plus a little to prevent depression.  In my case I decided I rather deal w/anxiety than depression although I try to manage both.  I become a crying mess w/too much Xanax although the Xanax has truly helped me keep my job as I was transitioning back in to the professional world.  I couldn't work through extreme anxiety where my frontal cortex seemed to just shut down.  I can become a bit manic w/Welbutrin although it helps a lot w/the depression.  So I pay close attention to these side effects to know what dosage works best.  I have basically three doctors monitoring my meds:  my GP, my psychiatrist and my clinical psychologist.  And me of course.  And when stress changes for me I often need to change meds somehow be it dosage or addition or subtraction (like when stress decreases).  So just when I think I have things figured out life changes and I need to adjust.

I applaud your awareness of yourself, your meds and how they affect you.  Plus your concern for how it affects your loved one(s).  I don't know what the solution is for you, but I can tell that you will figure it out.

Something that has been on my mind a lot, especially since beginning recovery, is the idea of  "Paying It Forward." 

I want to give an example from my own life.  For about 10 years I was fortunate to have a home and enjoyed having friends and family stop by to visit.  I often would share food and meals.  Fast forward to a few years ago when I hit rock bottom.  I was low on food and lonely.  I found that I had friends who gladly shared their food and company with me.  These were not necessarily the same people, but somehow it all worked out.  I helped others when I could.  And others helped me when they could.  Different people and different times, but oddly it felt like the same.  Like a special kind of unity of human spirit...

I've felt like that a lot during my recovery.  Somehow the right person at the right time would help me.  Then someone else might need something from me and I would be in a place to give at that time.  It happens IRL and on this forum for me.  It makes the world feel like a much better place.

This got me thinking that I'd like to hear about other people's experiences of Paying it Forward.  What are some experiences in your life or on the forum of "Paying it Forward?"  Some thoughts you might have about this topic?

Hello Samantha, I am really sorry that you are feeling so bad right now.  In spite of it all I notice you have a depth of self-awareness that many do not have.  You know how you feel and the origins.  You know some of your positive qualities.  You care about your little brother.  And most important, you know that things will get better.  This is a terrible feeling right now, but it will pass.  At least that's what I hear you saying.  As to feeling alone I cannot hope to change or correct how you feel.  On the other hand I know that I too have felt incredibly hopeless, and that w/time & healing things got better.  There are many on this forum who've felt extremely depressed as well.  In that sense, you are not alone.  Thank you for reaching out here.  Perhaps this and some other sections of the forum could help you understand and move through this very difficult time.

Sure.  And if you don't have much time to read I shared the article b/c of the main idea which is that the "opposite" of addiction is not non-addiction or stopping drug use, it's healthy connection w/other people.  I think I saw how important that is w/our own recovery.  The biggest healing for me has been in connecting w/other people in a healthy way.  An interesting couple of experiments too.

I came across this article from a friend and wanted to share it w/the forum.  It's about addiction to "drugs," but the recovery method applies directly to those recoverying from cPTSD in my mind as well.  I found it inspiring and thought I'd share it here too:

http://themindunleashed.org/2015/12/the-likely-cause-of-addiction-has-been-discovered-and-its-not-what-you-think.html

Welcome to this community Immarni. 

I am sorry for your terrible experience and that the justice system did not provide you with the justice that you deserve.  It is encouraging to hear that you have supportive people in your life, goals, and are reaching out here. 

I developed "full blown" cPTSD about 4 years ago.  I discovered Pete Walker's book a little over a year ago.  I joined OOTS about one year ago and it has helped me a lot.  This journey of recovery for me has been both painful, inspirational and empowering.  I found pain where I didn't know it existed.  And healing too.  I trust that you will find what you need here as well. 

I am very happy to know that you've found OOTS and your own path of recovery.  I wish you the best on this journey together.

I understand and wish you the best on your journey.  A year since I've joined I find that I am careful to discern when posts will contribute to my recovery and avoid dwelling.  I think I know what you mean.  So if you decide to return in the future perhaps you will find some other ways the forum can best support you at that time.  But, it sounds like stepping away is best for you right now.   I trust you to make the decision that's best for you.  Thank you for letting us know.