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Absolutely. Life feels totally irrelevant. I wake up every morning thinking "Ok, another day. Right. Go through the motions." There's no joy. Thinking of living or of dying, they're kind of equal... if I live today then fine, I'll do what's necessary to the best of my abilities. If I die, well fine. I can't figure out what it's like for people to wish to live as long as they can because they enjoy it. What does "enjoy" feel like?

Plus, sometimes life feels like a penal colony, too.

When it starts at 4 yrs old, or earlier... we never lived without trauma. It breaks my heart, I read what you wrote and felt so crushed you had to feel this way so young. No wonder it stuck.

Also, I agree with woodsgnome. I think there's also a strong, good, realistic way to say "hey, life is totally irrelevant". Because there's no ultimate meaning to it, much of what we do is meaningless. We stop and analyze and realize we're a bit silly. But maybe for people with c-ptsd, just analyzing deeply like that also flashes them back to their trauma, and it becomes tainted by the pain of trauma.

I can totally relate. You reminded me of a very wise person who once told me, when I mentioned self hatred, that he thought I was absolutely furious at myself during those moments. I thought about it and it made a lot of sense. I was demanding the impossible from myself, angry at myself for not being superman and stopping adults from being cruel toward me. I was feeling so helpless, helplessness was so dangerous, that if I felt mad at myself I might feel in control again.
For me it also becomes like a... ceremony. Something I go through to punish myself. I make the tiniest mistake then I go through a long winded self-attack because I hope it'll lower my anxiety. It never does, though. The only things I've ever found that lowered my anxiety have been kindness given and received. Hatred only feeds the terror.
It makes me wonder if it's possible to just feel horribly helpless, without frustration, just raw helplessness.

Hi Sparkle2709, I have eds3 too with every possible complication for good measure.

I have IBS-ish symptoms too, I was told by an eds3 specialist that they're due to hypermobility of the intestines and possible chronic inflammation. But maybe they're also IBS.

I have a lot of what you mentioned too, some of the symptoms of trauma and eds3 overlap. For example fatigue, sleep disorders, migraines. Plus it's all happening in the same body. For me I guess the line is whether I'm in emotional misery, beating myself down viciously, whether I feel the physical signs of stress and panic and I feel the self hatred and catch myself caught up in flashbacks. Those are maybe the main things that eds3 on its own probably wouldn't do. Physical aches and pains for example probably are a result of both.

In my case what happened was I had eds3 genes, probably; then abuse in childhood, plus continued abuse in adulthood "kicked in" the genetic disposition so my eds3 became active and deteriorated quickly. I got early onset arthritis and low bone density and low vitamin D and Calcium, chronic pain, most of the known complications decided to take residence in my body. So it seems trauma jump started the genetic potential for illness.

I'm with you on worrying people might be misdiagnosed. It happened to me for years. I was told "it's all in your head" and "you're spoiled" for decades till I got an eds3 diagnosis. This is why I don't trust doctors so much. I tend not to mention trauma symptoms to doctors, I'd talk about them to a therapist. I always try to bring information about eds3, maybe if your gp is open minded you could bring some info about trauma as well?

Hope this helps and doesn't complicates things even further.

Hi, I'm new here too. Thanks a million for these forums.

I'm not sure what I can write about myself that won't seem unbelievable... though I bet you'll know what that feels like. I had sadistic psychopaths for a family and the atrocious violence I suffered in childhood continues in adult life. At every turn I managed to find the local psychopath and the abuse continued at home, in the family, at work, getting worse and worse. There are no words to describe how violently I'm treated on a regular basis by an unending supply of psychopaths and happily obliging flying monkeys. Even though I've gone no contact with everyone I possibly could, there are some who simply stalk me and keep attacking, even now. They've openly told me they'll keep going after me for life, that they consider it their life's mission to make sure I'm hated and attacked by everyone and everywhere.

It's tiring... I work on myself a bit and then Wham! a new attack arrives and I fall back again. No rest.

Just started reading about psychopaths recently and the term "emotional flashback" was like a shock. I started reading about c-ptsd and was speechless... I had no idea. I just naturally assumed it was me, of course! That everyone in the world is lovable but me, with whatever inherent flaw and evilness that I obviously have deep inside me. I keep reading and thinking but I can't say I stopped believing in my own horribleness. It's so ingrained and the continuing abuse is a relentless deepening of the whole thing.

I wish I could believe there was a life after abuse but for me, I think there isn't. I'm no longer able to move away or change my life to rebuild it around normal relationships. Too many things that are totally beyond my control make it impossible, health and finances 'etc. 'etc. I now see much more clearly the habits I had and how I wasn't good at setting boundaries or looking after myself in the past, but it's too late to build an abuse-free life. Hopefully it's not too late for others.

Sorry I don't have much optimism to share today.

I wish no one else had to go through this, though reading about it I know many people do. I wish evil people came with a big fat warning sign that said "Beware, dangerous lizard-brain ahead! Run and don't look back!"

Sigh.
So in short, thanks for setting up these forums...