Recent posts
#1
Emotional Abuse / Re: Death by a Thousand Cuts
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 09:36:02 PMGentle TW: childhood emotional trauma + a brief reference to violence (non-graphic).
I've been thinking a lot about the idea of "death by a thousand cuts," and how psychological maltreatment often doesn't look like obvious abuse. I remember telling my therapist: "a child in a war zone experiences trauma, but the world recognizes the trauma. My trauma was invisible." So reading this article hit very close to home for me.
For most of my life I believed that my childhood "wasn't that bad." I focused on the obvious story - my NF scapegoated me, was emotionally absent, and openly treated my sister as the golden child. I thought that was my trauma. (Aside from some unfortunate "big T's" like witnessing a terror attack in 1980.)
But the past month of therapy has shown me that the equal - or even deeper - wound came from the parent I always saw as "the loving one." My mother wasn't abusive in the obvious way; but the article describes my experience with painful accuracy: chronic emotional neglect mixed with enmeshment ("inconsistent caregiving"), parentification, and countless moments of misattunement. There was no co-regulation, no protection from stress, and no space for me to grow a sense of self.
My mother had a lot of unprocessed trauma herself, and much of it was handed down to me - likely even before birth (see this article: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-parents-rsquo-trauma-leaves-biological-traces-in-children/). I understand the roots, but understanding doesn't erase the fact that I was failed by the people who were supposed to protect me.
Those subtle "cuts" created the wounds the article lists: shame, self-erasure, hypervigilance, a lost sense of identity, the belief that I take up too much space, and the feeling of being "too much" and "not enough" at once. It was confusing because my mother also loved/loves me deeply. But as the article explains, the harm isn't from one event - it's from the needs that were never met, and from having to be the emotional adult in the relationship long before I had a stable foundation myself.
I'm grateful this community speaks openly about these quieter, more covert forms of trauma. It's helping me finally understand my own history with clearer language - and helping me let go of the habit of minimizing what happened. It makes me feel a little less alone.
I've been thinking a lot about the idea of "death by a thousand cuts," and how psychological maltreatment often doesn't look like obvious abuse. I remember telling my therapist: "a child in a war zone experiences trauma, but the world recognizes the trauma. My trauma was invisible." So reading this article hit very close to home for me.
For most of my life I believed that my childhood "wasn't that bad." I focused on the obvious story - my NF scapegoated me, was emotionally absent, and openly treated my sister as the golden child. I thought that was my trauma. (Aside from some unfortunate "big T's" like witnessing a terror attack in 1980.)
But the past month of therapy has shown me that the equal - or even deeper - wound came from the parent I always saw as "the loving one." My mother wasn't abusive in the obvious way; but the article describes my experience with painful accuracy: chronic emotional neglect mixed with enmeshment ("inconsistent caregiving"), parentification, and countless moments of misattunement. There was no co-regulation, no protection from stress, and no space for me to grow a sense of self.
My mother had a lot of unprocessed trauma herself, and much of it was handed down to me - likely even before birth (see this article: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-parents-rsquo-trauma-leaves-biological-traces-in-children/). I understand the roots, but understanding doesn't erase the fact that I was failed by the people who were supposed to protect me.
Those subtle "cuts" created the wounds the article lists: shame, self-erasure, hypervigilance, a lost sense of identity, the belief that I take up too much space, and the feeling of being "too much" and "not enough" at once. It was confusing because my mother also loved/loves me deeply. But as the article explains, the harm isn't from one event - it's from the needs that were never met, and from having to be the emotional adult in the relationship long before I had a stable foundation myself.
I'm grateful this community speaks openly about these quieter, more covert forms of trauma. It's helping me finally understand my own history with clearer language - and helping me let go of the habit of minimizing what happened. It makes me feel a little less alone.
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: Dalloway´s Recovery Journa...
Last post by Hope67 - Today at 06:26:05 PMQuote from: Dalloway on October 27, 2025, 07:21:30 PMLately I´ve been involved in different activities with different groups of people that filled me with a lot of energy. For the first time in my life I experienced real human connections and presence in the company of other people. It gave me the impression that I truly exist, that I´m not just an abstract something without borders and contours. This experience was out of this world and left me wanting for more. The more real I start to feel, the more I need to be connected to the reality. I realized that I´ve always had this need, I was born as an expectation for it. So when I started to experience it, it was as if a valve had been opened and now I yearn for more. I know that there´s huge amount of love that I´m capable of giving and receiving and that it´s always been my natural need.
This is lovely - I am also happy to hear you've experienced real human connection
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by Hope67 - Today at 06:20:16 PMWow, great that you've completed the book (you and your D) Congratulations! 
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Hope67 - Today at 06:18:02 PMHi Bach,
Even noticing that good feels unsafe is a step toward understanding yourself, and maybe it's ok to let good feelings arrive in small doses, so they don't feel overwhelming. I don't know. But I'm sorry that you didn't sleep well last night and that you're feeling low as can be today. Sending you a hug of support, although a very gentle one, as I know you're experiencing hurt today.
Even noticing that good feels unsafe is a step toward understanding yourself, and maybe it's ok to let good feelings arrive in small doses, so they don't feel overwhelming. I don't know. But I'm sorry that you didn't sleep well last night and that you're feeling low as can be today. Sending you a hug of support, although a very gentle one, as I know you're experiencing hurt today.
#7
The Cafe / Re: The Love of Libraries
Last post by Hope67 - Today at 06:05:19 PMI feel joy when I enter a library, it is exciting, comforting, and I feel excited as I look to discover which books to accompany back home. I really love it.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Bach - Today at 06:04:41 PMNK, I have so many issues around food that it never occurred to me that there might be issues related to having sit-down meals with my family. My mother was ragingly eating-disordered, had a terrible relationship with food and hated to cook, while my stepfather had previously been married to a gourmet, so I can well imagine that there was subterranean stress around dinners with my family when I was living with her. I'm pretty sure that dinners with the family when I lived with my father and stepmother were better, but it's hard to remember. I've always assumed that my problems with food stem from malnourishment as an infant, obesity as a teenager, and spending my early life observing my mother's aforementioned raging eating disorder, but there probably IS more to it than that. What do you know, another set of mysteries to grapple with!
Feeling good feels unsafe. I'm trying to rewire that. Not much opportunity to work on that today, I'm afraid. I didn't sleep well last night and today I'm low as can be. That's probably a backlash from yesterday's conscious effort to nurture the positive feelings and stirrings of optimism that I experienced a few times in the past week, but I will not allow it to discourage me. Even though it hurts. Even though everything hurts.
Feeling good feels unsafe. I'm trying to rewire that. Not much opportunity to work on that today, I'm afraid. I didn't sleep well last night and today I'm low as can be. That's probably a backlash from yesterday's conscious effort to nurture the positive feelings and stirrings of optimism that I experienced a few times in the past week, but I will not allow it to discourage me. Even though it hurts. Even though everything hurts.
#9
Inner Child Work / Re: The Doll - Possible Trigge...
Last post by Hope67 - Today at 05:58:18 PMOops, sorry about that, I thought I'd not responded to Chart's message, but it was on page 1, and there are 2 pages - I feel silly now - but thank you again.
#10
Inner Child Work / Re: The Doll - Possible Trigge...
Last post by Hope67 - Today at 05:57:35 PMThanks Chart for what you wrote, I just came back to this thread today, and saw your message.