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General Discussion / Re: primal scream
« Last post by radical on Today at 12:42:42 AM »
Really glad to hear you feel you are over the worst.
Thanks for the update,
General Discussion / Re: primal scream
« Last post by jamesG.1 on June 20, 2018, 10:03:34 PM »
it looks very much now like it's going to be over by monday.

worst is over....
Recovery Journals / Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Last post by alliematt on June 20, 2018, 07:15:07 PM »
What is wrong with me???

I am convinced that there are a couple of people in my church's praise team group that don't like me . . . And there's not one shred of objective evidence to prove it.  Except that they seem "friendlier" to others than they do to me. 

And when I suspect that people don't like me, I start turning into a little puppy that's begging for attention, like going, "Pant, pant, pant, please like me!" 

My counselor says it's my right brain trying to protect me from getting hurt because I HAVE in the past had people not like me. 

If I scan my journal entries, it just looks like it's the same issues I post, over and over and over again.  Where's the improvement?  When do I get better?  When can I walk into a room and not worry about, do you like me? 

And sometimes I hate social media because of all the screaming about current events.  This has been a day where I just want to throw up my hands and scream, "The #### with it!!"  No one wants to listen and everyone lies.
General Discussion / Re: How to Handle Current Events? Trigger Warning
« Last post by Kizzie on June 20, 2018, 07:05:31 PM »
After I heard the news that Trump had rescinded the policy I slept for three hours and honestly could sleep longer.  I don't know things will be much better though until it becomes clear how they and their families will be dealt with from this point on. The President and his minions simply cannot be trusted to do the right thing. This was not the law, it was a choice, an inhumane one that only people who have no moral compass or shame can make.
Therapy / talk therapy and well, talking
« Last post by treehugger on June 20, 2018, 07:03:31 PM »
hi all,
I started therapy this last with a t who specializes in trauma a few months ago, due to anxiety/depression rooted in childhood trauma and brought out by current life events.  I've struggled with both talk therapy and emdr because I have so much trouble with talking about emotions and being verbal in general. We think the issue is really part of the trauma but its making it really difficult to process anything and move forward. I'm looking for things that others have found to move forward in healing and processing when they couldn't find the words to talk about it. I think some of it is triggering, some of it is just learned silence, and some if definitely the inner critic shutting me down. I just don't know how to work on those things since I literally freeze when trying to have a conversation about any of it.

I have used journalling to get stuff out, and t has even read parts, but it hasn't helped transition to talking about anything very much. Sometimes after journalling or spending a week thinking about the topic I have can sort of circle back on a thought, but its almost like I have to feel prepared (which is what I do in the rest of life - if I don't feel prepared I get really self conscious to the point where it is ridiculous). I rarely feel prepared when it comes to these topics though, even when I journal and try to come to terms with something outside of therapy.

Any body else have this issue or have suggestions about how to process or work through this? T is very patient, btw, this is pressure I am putting on myself. The more I delve into this, the worse I feel, not better, and I'm not sleeping well or functioning well. I don't really want to go back to ignoring it because I don't want to add to the legacy of this with my kids, and the body armoring has given me a lot of physical pain.

Recovery Journals / Re: Allie's Archives: a recovery journal
« Last post by alliematt on June 20, 2018, 06:52:12 PM »
Well, the one bit of good news is that I probably have bursitis in my hip.  I have some meds and exercises to do.

General Discussion / Re: How to Handle Current Events? Trigger Warning
« Last post by Sadie48 on June 20, 2018, 05:33:15 PM »
Even people without CPTSD are deeply troubled by what's been happening so it's no surprise we are.  It's normal human instinct to react when we see/hear children cry.  Survivors of CPTSD are sensitive for good reason.  I think we'll be learning more about what's been happening in these detention centers -- like drugging the kids with psychotropics in one facility! -- so we need to take care of ourselves.  As the saying goes, "you can't give what you don't have."  In order to be a good citizen in whatever way we choose to, we need to continue to take care of ourselves when triggered.  Maintain routines, self-care, talking to sympathetic people, finding ways to help with donations or calling our representatives.  I've been in a kind of stupor over the last few days -- trauma is very compelling.  But we have to pull ourselves back out.
Workplace Bullying/Harassment/Abuse as Adult / Re: Evil in the workplace
« Last post by sanmagic7 on June 20, 2018, 04:11:27 PM »
truth, what you wrote hit me hard.  it means that i have been surrounded by evil far longer than i could ever guess.  i want to cry.  how could this have happened?  i don't get it.  it's out of my ken to understand this, yet i've been in the midst of it for far longer than i had ever thought.

whoa.  this is so far-reaching.  i'll never look at my life the same again.  hard to bear right now.  gotta go.
Recovery Journals / Re: ch. 4 -- around the next corner
« Last post by sanmagic7 on June 20, 2018, 03:59:53 PM »
deep blue, snook, el, sceal - your hugs, love, and well wishes mean the world to me.  thank you all so very much.

i find it interesting, especially reading el's response about ems, how easily it slips from my mind at the times i need it most.   it's why i so appreciate people responding, validating, offering that caring and kindness, cuz the more i read it, the more i realize that i have a hard time generating all that for myself.

it's like, i get caught up in the day to day of all this, and while wallowing, all you good people slip my consciousness.  i don't know why that happens.  yet, once i read these responses, it's like i slap my forehead and go 'of course'!!!  why don't i remember this?!!!

irl, i also have a difficult time feeling like i'm still real, still in the relationship with others if i don't get constant verification about it from them.  i noticed that with my d (altho that's finally settling down as i've become more sure of being in her life - well, duh, we're gonna be living in the same house!), while the fling was going on, even with my housemate w/ whom i'm establishing a friendship beyond just living together. 

it was rampant with 'the mr.' (thank you, sceal), and i found it happening with my hm just this morning because i didn't get a response to an email i sent her.  i went all over the place in my head - what did i say wrong, is she for real, screw it, i'll just ignore it and go about my life, i'm getting out of here next week.  it's like i don't feel worthy of having someone want to be with me.

o dear, this has never taken word form before for me.  not exactly in this way.  i would feel like if i wasn't with a person, i was invisible, that i had to be present with them in order to feel real.  but this feels like it's gone to another level, this self-worth part.  another feeling that i had never truly felt before.

geez louise, i hate this crap.  hate feeling like this.  hate having these new revelations that feel so neg.  which i'd never felt about myself before.  i read here about most everyone feeling like they're crap, and i can't relate cuz i've never felt that way about myself before.  but, here it is, it's pushing thru, one more painful nudge off my pedestal.  dang, what a realization.  i don't like feeling neg. about myself and knowing that i do.  i just think i didn't know it before - it was buried under survival mechanisms.

so, at my age, it's seeping out.  it wants looking at as a reality of mine that wasn't there before.  dang.  it's all your fault - all of you!  you're helping me heal!  it's just that my healing means i need to feel all the negs. i never felt before, all the negs. the rest of you have been dealing with forever.  now you get to feel better about yourself, while i get to feel worse.

ok, just a little rant.  i know this is a good thing, but it feels like dog doodoo.  i don't like feeling bad about myself.   now i feel ashamed that i wrote all that, thought it, felt it, and i'm not used to feeling ashamed about myself either.  chinga la madre!!!  i needed to swear, so i did it in spanish.  felt good to let that out. 

ever onward.  healing and recovery is a stony path at times.  just gotta keep hardening the bottom of my feet so it doesn't hurt as much while i keep walking this trail.  i won't stop, tho.  i won't back down (thank you tom petty).  i know that eventually it will balance out, and i'll feel ok about me on most every level, not above and not below the rest of everyone.  that's the key.
Recovery - General / Re: Can't Shut Up, Feel Like A Narcissist???
« Last post by sanmagic7 on June 20, 2018, 03:31:01 PM »
i hear ya, p&w.  i've had similar stuff going on over the years.  i would talk and talk at my hub about stuff, he'd tell me 'what's the point of continuing to bring it up?'.  the answer that came out of my mouth was that i needed to talk it to death.  literally.  as if, if i talked enough about whatever, it would eventually lose its power, wither away, and die.

i do the same thing here.  talk about it from every angle i can think of, over and over, until, eventually, i'm able to leave it behind.  it seems like it's something that's been an important coping mechanism (that's how i like to think of it), and if enough ears hear me, i can listen to myself differently, get some clarity or relief, and over time, it ceases to be.

of course, then i go onto the next thing, worry that to death.  but, i can see how some things just aren't quite as important to talk about anymore, like they've finally been put to some sort of rest.  maybe not forever, but for a while at least.  the urge to purge isn't quite as strong. 

i think that an underlying cause, at least for me, if i stop to think about it, is that i was brought up not to question things, not to talk about what went on with family, loyalty is all-important, and silence is golden.  once i broke free of those, a little at a time, the words didn't stop coming. 

i've often felt like i was an open book because of this tendency.  all my secrets were laid bare, in contrast to others who kept everything about themselves close to the vest.  so, yes, i can relate.  no, i don't think we're narcs. it sounds like you told your stories as a way to keep yourself safe as a kid from the bullies.  that's self-preservation rather than pathetic.

i believe the more we're able to bring into the light, for whatever reason, however it works for us, is just showing how different people can be.  we have different ways of coping, of surviving, of taking care of ourselves.  this is just one of those ways.  i think you're doing what's best for you, is all.  sending love and a hug filled with understanding and acceptance.
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