Recent Posts

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Physical Abuse / Re: Anniversary of worst abuse - TW!
« Last post by California Dreaming on Today at 07:04:39 AM »
Soooooo beautiful Deep Blue. Hugs and beep breaths together. We cannot do this alone.  :hug:
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Just Having a Difficult Day / Re: One of those days
« Last post by California Dreaming on Today at 06:56:01 AM »
I am glad to hear that you are feeling better :) CPTSD work can be very difficult and draining, especially when it affects our sleep. I hope that your day brings you warmth and strength.
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Recovery Journals / Re: The big Dudette
« Last post by Shankara on Today at 06:50:02 AM »
Hi Blueberry!  Eating is a seductive distraction... thanks for the notice about  the food issues thread. Trying not to buy all those unhealthy stuff but its still hard to resist. It took me a few years to change my eating habits, get stabalized, Do weight training and keeping up the ď drinking 1 1/2 L- 3-4 veggies/fruits a day- taking supplementsď and so on. This is very hard when depression kicks in but I am really trying.....crawling and creeping.....
Another day where I felt very tired when I woke up also due to allergies. It took me a while to get the day started, on such days, I put on songs like ďA little bit of love by brenda russelď. Took a cold/warm shower and wasnt really in the mood to go work out, but I had to as I didnt Do anything this week. 1 hour weight training was helpful plus my tiredness was vanishing slowly. I wouldnt say that I truly enjoy working out but I feel physically strong and getting muscles is a nice thing.  I am on it for 7 months now, lets see how it goes.
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Just Having a Difficult Day / Re: One of those days
« Last post by Estella on Today at 06:45:50 AM »
Yes, I can relate to sensitive empath, CD. I am, and I'm grateful to have new friends and new people in my life. Every forward step feels positive overall, just get a little tired from pushing myself some days and I think that adds to why I feel a little like its a struggle. I'm grateful for the EFs to a point, because they give me a chance to challenge and grow.

Well this morning I took a herbal remedy and a nap. Felt fresher afterwards. I've not been sleeping so well lately, but that's because I'm on a lower dose of meds than I'm used to.

Thank you for your support DR, I appreciate it.
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Inner Child / Re: Iím disgusted by my younger self.
« Last post by woodsgnome on Today at 06:39:53 AM »
Two things come to mind regarding your last commentary.

One, no matter what your opinion of the actions of younger self, it can always change. I had crippling guilt feelings about how I was in certain respects, especially in a choice I made. Now enough time and thought has passed that I realize the bad vibes around that choice wasn't neither wrong nor my fault at all; that I did the best I knew how, and that it indeed is left behind, in that old story. No matter what you think of how you were then, you're no longer there.

The second observation is tied into the first. Which is just to shower all the kindness you can towards younger self. This compassion doesn't mean you have to approve of what you did or how you were. It's not any easier to do this, I've learned; but when you do so, it at least clears up one's foggy perspective and brings one back to what's today like, despite the perceived judgements about what might have been.
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Physical Abuse / Re: Part of my story *TW*
« Last post by Elphanigh on Today at 06:23:39 AM »
Decimal, I am glad you are taking the self care of not fully reading it. It is great that you know not to do that when you are feeling a little more triggery. It is tough to learn not to push it sometimes.

Thank you for the wishes  :hug: both i and little Elpha really appreciate it.

It is definitely easy to minimize our own experiences, but I am trying to learn not to. Everyone here truly helps with that. I have had a weekend away from everything which has meant some great self care  :hug:

Take care of you too, Decimal  :hug:
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Physical Abuse / Re: Anniversary of worst abuse - TW!
« Last post by Deep Blue on Today at 06:13:31 AM »
Rocket,
Thanks. You are right.  Things never started with abuse.  The fight in me dwindled the more it happened.

Trigger warning*** just to be safe

  I remember over and over hearing... you know why I have to do this right?  You know you brought this on yourself... it was said often enough that I agreed with my abuser.  I always apologized before and after The abuse. I fully thought if I could be better, prove myself, the abuse would stop.  It didnít... in fact it got worse and worse until I had no fight left in me.  Deep breath deep breath.

California dreaming,
Yes my abuser was screwed up! Not me!  I need to write that on a card and read it to myself over and over.  Thanks for the strength.  Each of your posts give me glimpses of where I hope to get to.  Without knowing it you have become a light at the end of the tunnel for me.  Thank you thank you thank you.  Iím sending a big hug to you.  Itís one where we hug and take a deep breath together.   :bighug:
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Physical Abuse / Re: Anniversary of worst abuse - TW!
« Last post by California Dreaming on Today at 05:51:03 AM »
I am glad that you are taking a deep breath :)

Yes, I have felt like I was compliant in my abuse. I no longer feel that way, but it took years of hard work to get there. I now know that I was victimized by me abusers. Predators are really good at convincing us that they need us, and we become good at meeting their perverted "needs."

"I realize this is screwed up to no end." I believe what is screwed up is them and not me. Again, this took time and work for me to genuinely believe. I have internalized the message, "My abusers were/are sick people." I have purged the message, "It is my fault."
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Physical Abuse / Re: Part of my story *TW*
« Last post by DecimalRocket on Today at 05:50:33 AM »
Hi Elpha. I want to wish the best for you now, you and little you.  :hug: It must be tough living through all that. Sorry, I didnít really read it as Iím in a place where Iím sensitive to strong triggers right now, but from what other people said about it, it must be terrible.

Weíre more likely to minimize our pain than believe that we deserve love and compassion, so take care of yourself, alright?

See you.
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Recovery - General / Re: Feeling guilty for being loved
« Last post by DecimalRocket on Today at 05:46:35 AM »
Thanks, wonder. (Can I call you that? You do seem to be a wonder.) Itís nice to hear I deserve it too, even though Iíve been hearing that for years and I still donít fully believe it. But hey, maybe a millionth timeís a charm.  :hug:

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