Recent posts
#1
Family / Re: Left out
Last post by Gromit - Today at 07:58:12 AMBelow is what I did write, after some thought, and drafts, and it does not identify anyone:
I appreciate that your experience is very different to mine. My husband did not understand what my family was like until he saw it firsthand. I have no idea what you have been told, nobody has ever spoken to me about it. But, as you say, life is short, it is too short to be in an abusive relationship which impacts on your health, especially, when you are a parent.
My relationships with my children shines a light on what I experienced. My daughter asks me things, which I remember wondering about when I was a child, but I had nobody to ask. Obviously, only having a parent who I did not want to emulate I had no template to follow, and I have made mistakes, but my children feel safe enough to tell me, and give me the chance to make amends. I have spent a lifetime grieving a mother, I did not have, and a father who was unable to change things, he used to say he had tried everything over the years, nothing worked. He died in 2020, having missed out on so much.
Sorry, your message stirred up so much for me, I needed to say something.
Sharing because it seemed my 'life is short' response might be misconstrued.
I deliberately waited to respond to the email so that I could respond rather than react.
Time and distance helps as does learning from everyone else who shares their experience on here and in other support groups.
G
I appreciate that your experience is very different to mine. My husband did not understand what my family was like until he saw it firsthand. I have no idea what you have been told, nobody has ever spoken to me about it. But, as you say, life is short, it is too short to be in an abusive relationship which impacts on your health, especially, when you are a parent.
My relationships with my children shines a light on what I experienced. My daughter asks me things, which I remember wondering about when I was a child, but I had nobody to ask. Obviously, only having a parent who I did not want to emulate I had no template to follow, and I have made mistakes, but my children feel safe enough to tell me, and give me the chance to make amends. I have spent a lifetime grieving a mother, I did not have, and a father who was unable to change things, he used to say he had tried everything over the years, nothing worked. He died in 2020, having missed out on so much.
Sorry, your message stirred up so much for me, I needed to say something.
Sharing because it seemed my 'life is short' response might be misconstrued.
I deliberately waited to respond to the email so that I could respond rather than react.
Time and distance helps as does learning from everyone else who shares their experience on here and in other support groups.
G
#2
Family / Re: Left out
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 04:20:14 AMThat sounds really unsettling and confusing, especially after so many years of distance. You're not wrong for feeling conflicted or for protecting yourself. I'm glad you shared this here.
(If that's ok)
(If that's ok)
#4
Other / Re: Our Healing Porch Part 8
Last post by Blueberry - Today at 01:52:14 AMQuote from: Blueberry on December 03, 2025, 02:55:19 PMFinally come to join you on the porch, san and everybody. I'm curled in a chair covered in warm wool blankets watching the fire and dozing off. It feels easier to sit and do nothing but here on the Porch than at home.
Ditto today tho it's possible nobody else is around. Actually I can sense some shadowy but safe forms creeping up to sit around a campfire that might have been started a day or two ago by Chart or a year or two ago by woodsgnome. It seems nobody wants to reveal themselves which is fine. And so far no interest in seasonal deco which is also fine.
This place is magic tho so it wouldn't be a problem for anybody to set up Christmassy stuff - there's plenty of space for all needs.
#5
General Discussion / Re: Lonely at Christmas
Last post by Blueberry - Today at 01:38:13 AMP.S. If you do a search for Christmas on the forum you'll find at least two threads on the topic where people have added posts this year. Maybe some old threads too, which might help idk. Then there's the Healing Porch threads, an imaginary space where some forum members undoubtedly spend Christmas.
#6
General Discussion / Re: Lonely at Christmas
Last post by Blueberry - Today at 01:32:33 AMQuote from: GettingThere on December 23, 2025, 04:50:42 AMThis will be my 3rd Christmas in a row with no family. It isn't safe for me to be around them and I'm very grateful for my life now, but it's still hard to get through this time of year with no family or partner. Any advice from folks who have gone through the same thing?
I could have gone to a celebration for people who would otherwise have been on their own. I've often been before but I'm finding it more and more difficult to leave the house. It's not the first year I've left Christmas out. The other time I did regret it afterwards.
I wonder how you're feeling now GettingThere? It's good to not spend Christmas with family if that doesn't do us any good. Or if it does more harm than good.
#7
Family / Re: Left out
Last post by Blueberry - Today at 01:19:35 AM Life is too short to stay in an abusive relationship. What a comeback!
I love it. I can't imagine it would occur to me to say in the moment. Thinking of you while you work thru what all this really means to and for you.
#8
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: For those struggling with ...
Last post by Blueberry - Today at 01:05:34 AMChristmas is celebrated here on Christmas Eve and although I did have somewhere to go for which I was registered and everything, I did not in the end go. Haven't decorated or even cleaned and tidied tbh. Or showered and washed hair, which is the big impediment to going anywhere. Tho I told a few people I'd go to the church service where my old choir is singing - Xmas Day evening so it would be good if I did that at least.
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by Chart - December 24, 2025, 11:42:21 PMThank you everyone.
I'm greatly struggling to respond to those who've commented in my journal here. For some (very mysterious) reason I'm finding inspiration and optimism in the experiences of others here on the forum, in others' journals and the recent threads. I feel a new "self" is somehow establishing itself... ever so slowly, like a crab molting, its new soft shell carefully setting into place.
I'm also incredibly busy with my kids and it's enormously rewarding. Unless I'm very much deluded, they are happy and these past few days have been really smooth and fun. I'm seeing and feeling things differently. The void of love (my attachment wound) is not so devastating as it's been in the recent past. I feel patience in me and don't react the way I used to. I feel I've learned so much in this past four months since my move. It's been so horribly difficult... especially last September, of which I've written little. It was (and still is) such a drama. But the "impact" has been ever so slightly in line with those Buddhist concepts of simple stoic observation. Nowhere near perfect or enlightened, but just enough that I've had a glimpse through the wall into a garden of peace. There are pears hanging from lovely branches in the sunlight. There are smiling faces too, each one in the form of a forum "friend" you the people I now know, love and deeply care for. It's fantastic (as SO has also pointed out to me many times
:-), I have friends, and they "get it" and as much as I give I get back twice as much.
I've got to sleep now. Christmas tomorrow morning. My daughter has already tried negotiating 8am... we got her to nine but I fully understand her excitement and I feel it too.
Merry Christmas everyone. May peace find its way into our neuronal chaos and push back the thing that so dominates our existence... But nonetheless I imagine... without that horrible tragedy, I'd never have known this blessed connection. It very well might make all that pain worth every h*llish moment. I thank you all.
I'm greatly struggling to respond to those who've commented in my journal here. For some (very mysterious) reason I'm finding inspiration and optimism in the experiences of others here on the forum, in others' journals and the recent threads. I feel a new "self" is somehow establishing itself... ever so slowly, like a crab molting, its new soft shell carefully setting into place.
I'm also incredibly busy with my kids and it's enormously rewarding. Unless I'm very much deluded, they are happy and these past few days have been really smooth and fun. I'm seeing and feeling things differently. The void of love (my attachment wound) is not so devastating as it's been in the recent past. I feel patience in me and don't react the way I used to. I feel I've learned so much in this past four months since my move. It's been so horribly difficult... especially last September, of which I've written little. It was (and still is) such a drama. But the "impact" has been ever so slightly in line with those Buddhist concepts of simple stoic observation. Nowhere near perfect or enlightened, but just enough that I've had a glimpse through the wall into a garden of peace. There are pears hanging from lovely branches in the sunlight. There are smiling faces too, each one in the form of a forum "friend" you the people I now know, love and deeply care for. It's fantastic (as SO has also pointed out to me many times
:-), I have friends, and they "get it" and as much as I give I get back twice as much.
I've got to sleep now. Christmas tomorrow morning. My daughter has already tried negotiating 8am... we got her to nine but I fully understand her excitement and I feel it too.
Merry Christmas everyone. May peace find its way into our neuronal chaos and push back the thing that so dominates our existence... But nonetheless I imagine... without that horrible tragedy, I'd never have known this blessed connection. It very well might make all that pain worth every h*llish moment. I thank you all.
#10
Hey, I have not been here for a while but, when I return, there it is, a post about the death of an uncle, and that is what happened to remind me of this place.
I received the annual Round Robin letter that my cousins's wife sends out in their cards. My uncle, my mother's brother, died a few weeks ago. Of course, I did not know, so I responded, one of my cousin's nephews had also died, that was in the letter too.
I got an email back, apologies for not keeping me informed about things
and telling me how upset my mother was, maybe this was the time to reach out, life is too short blah blah. Then the information about the funeral which is in January, and local as my uncle still lived in this area (my mother doesn't).
I was pretty upset about the 'life is short' stuff. It brought a lot of things up. I also sent a text to my cousin, offering condolences, and he said he would call.
I did respond to the email from his wife, explaining that life is too short to stay in an abusive relationship, and just said that being a mother myself I grieved what I had never had from my own mother.
When my cousin called, he apologised again. Not sure why, my other cousins never even send cards. For context, my uncle was 92, my mother is 82, I have been estranged since 2007. I last saw this cousin before I had my daughter, who is 20, but we have spoken on the telephone, he lives a long way away. I last saw his sisters before I had children. He seemed sorry that I was left out, seemed to want to make things better? Once his mother had dementia, the only way I ever heard anything was from his wife's Christmas letters.
From him I had the information that my mother was not coming to the funeral, and my sister would be on holiday.
Had a Christmas card from my sister this week, no mention of my uncle, I had not actually heard from her since July. Ah well, I will send her a birthday card next month and say I hope she enjoys her holiday!
Not sure how I feel about meeting cousins again after all these years knowing that they know there is a 'rift' and whatever my mother has told them about that. Not sure I want to suddenly be involved in the family, it is a bit overwhelming. And I feel uncomfortable with him being so nice. My parents always kind of gave the impression that my aunt and uncle were scary, strict.
It hurts to know that nobody cares to tell me about things which are going on. It is upsetting that people think they can tell you what to do without understanding what has happened to you.
G
I received the annual Round Robin letter that my cousins's wife sends out in their cards. My uncle, my mother's brother, died a few weeks ago. Of course, I did not know, so I responded, one of my cousin's nephews had also died, that was in the letter too.
I got an email back, apologies for not keeping me informed about things
and telling me how upset my mother was, maybe this was the time to reach out, life is too short blah blah. Then the information about the funeral which is in January, and local as my uncle still lived in this area (my mother doesn't). I was pretty upset about the 'life is short' stuff. It brought a lot of things up. I also sent a text to my cousin, offering condolences, and he said he would call.
I did respond to the email from his wife, explaining that life is too short to stay in an abusive relationship, and just said that being a mother myself I grieved what I had never had from my own mother.
When my cousin called, he apologised again. Not sure why, my other cousins never even send cards. For context, my uncle was 92, my mother is 82, I have been estranged since 2007. I last saw this cousin before I had my daughter, who is 20, but we have spoken on the telephone, he lives a long way away. I last saw his sisters before I had children. He seemed sorry that I was left out, seemed to want to make things better? Once his mother had dementia, the only way I ever heard anything was from his wife's Christmas letters.
From him I had the information that my mother was not coming to the funeral, and my sister would be on holiday.
Had a Christmas card from my sister this week, no mention of my uncle, I had not actually heard from her since July. Ah well, I will send her a birthday card next month and say I hope she enjoys her holiday!
Not sure how I feel about meeting cousins again after all these years knowing that they know there is a 'rift' and whatever my mother has told them about that. Not sure I want to suddenly be involved in the family, it is a bit overwhelming. And I feel uncomfortable with him being so nice. My parents always kind of gave the impression that my aunt and uncle were scary, strict.
It hurts to know that nobody cares to tell me about things which are going on. It is upsetting that people think they can tell you what to do without understanding what has happened to you.
G