Recent posts
#1
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New Member
Last post by Kizzie - Today at 04:45:58 PMHi Dochartaigh and welcome to Out of the Storm! 
As I was reading through your post a memory came back to me of standing outside my family home somewhere around age 10+. I remember thinking that I felt safer outside than I did inside. Similar to what you felt, I had a feeling of safety and freedom. Now looking back it tells me everything I need to know about what my childhood was like and why I developed CPTSD.
One thing I often say to new members who think their abuse/neglect wasn't as bad as some others is that if you have the symptoms of CPTSD and struggle, yes it really was that bad. It's clear (to me) in what you wrote that you were led to believe you weren't wanted or loved and honestly, what could be worse than that? The very people who are supposed to love, protect and nurture us do the opposite and leave us feeling very alone and frightened.
I hope being here you will begin to feel less alone and that you belong to this tribe of wounded but oh so caring and lovely people.
As I was reading through your post a memory came back to me of standing outside my family home somewhere around age 10+. I remember thinking that I felt safer outside than I did inside. Similar to what you felt, I had a feeling of safety and freedom. Now looking back it tells me everything I need to know about what my childhood was like and why I developed CPTSD.
Quote from: Dochartaigh on Today at 10:06:21 AMI believe my story is fairly basic and not as bad as many.
One thing I often say to new members who think their abuse/neglect wasn't as bad as some others is that if you have the symptoms of CPTSD and struggle, yes it really was that bad. It's clear (to me) in what you wrote that you were led to believe you weren't wanted or loved and honestly, what could be worse than that? The very people who are supposed to love, protect and nurture us do the opposite and leave us feeling very alone and frightened.
I hope being here you will begin to feel less alone and that you belong to this tribe of wounded but oh so caring and lovely people.
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Desert Flower - Today at 04:06:39 PMThank you all, dear friends.
I just wanted to elaborate on what I wrote:
The old fear of being left alone (to die), back then, lead us to try harder to get others to like us so they would take care of us the way we desperately needed, and the old fear of being abused even worse, back then, lead us to trying to get the abuser to like us so he might hurt us less. These old fears now get triggered by the impossible situation of me 'having to' (being asked to) be in two (or more) places at the same time. Because I cannot. I'm being asked to do something I cannot do and people will dislike me for it. This scares me so tremendously. If I don't do what others ask of me (without consulting me or my schedule btw), and I will consequently have to let (one/some of) them down and disappoint them, (where for others a simple 'no' would suffice), leads to the impossibly scary place where others may not like me. The place holding the fear of death.
I'm trying to find the words for how this works. I'm a little too tired and ruffled to, I think. Does this make sense?
I just wanted to elaborate on what I wrote:
Quote from: Desert Flower on November 23, 2025, 06:07:32 PMAnd one of the friends said 'this is a fear of death' and it is. This was recognition. The old fear of being left alone and dying as a baby when your M will not come to comfort or feed you when you need it. Because that will make the baby stop crying (my M's words). Well, I'm still crying. The old fear of any slight dissaproval or being disliked because that will make matters even worse. Trying to get the abuser to like you, because you hope he will treat you better then (he did not).I need to write down more precisely how this works, because I'm still afraid others (not you, my dear friends, others who don't understand) will think I'm exagerating.
The old fear of being left alone (to die), back then, lead us to try harder to get others to like us so they would take care of us the way we desperately needed, and the old fear of being abused even worse, back then, lead us to trying to get the abuser to like us so he might hurt us less. These old fears now get triggered by the impossible situation of me 'having to' (being asked to) be in two (or more) places at the same time. Because I cannot. I'm being asked to do something I cannot do and people will dislike me for it. This scares me so tremendously. If I don't do what others ask of me (without consulting me or my schedule btw), and I will consequently have to let (one/some of) them down and disappoint them, (where for others a simple 'no' would suffice), leads to the impossibly scary place where others may not like me. The place holding the fear of death.
I'm trying to find the words for how this works. I'm a little too tired and ruffled to, I think. Does this make sense?
#3
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New Member
Last post by Dochartaigh - Today at 04:05:34 PMThank you,and thank you for the article it is very relatable. I was diagnosed with PTSD by several therapists in the 1990s, but rejected the idea as I'd never served in the military. In 2016 I accepted the diagnosis and did EMDR therapy. C-PTSD is my current diagnosis. I moved out at 18 and have lived alone all but eight years since then. I have a daughter and two grandchildren and see them three times each year. I live alone with my cat. I'm not depressed, but still very hyper-vigelant. My greatest fear has always been that I will inadvertently ruin everything for everybody.I'm glad to be here. Thanks again
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by Desert Flower - Today at 03:43:40 PMSan, I can totally relate again. I especially wanted to comment on these questionaires they make you fill out. It's totally frustrating.
One of the friends I was with this weekend is a pain doctor and she knows she sees many stress related symptoms and traumatised patients. And she too just went on and on about these life style factors that should make her patients feel so much better, like excercising, not eating any processed food etc. etc. And not only should the kind of stuff we eat matter, also the order in which we eat it should be managed.
And I just think, these doctors who are not in our position, don't have the faintest idea how hard this stuff is. I mean, we are just trying to stay afloat for starters and this just requires all our energy. And then on top of that, we should ... we should ... yes, we should. It's just infuriating.
Before some of us get the meds we so desperately need. Which would help us feel more balanced. And then, we might work on this other stuff too. It's as if, after what we've been through, we now must earn our right to get treatment by showing some more good behaviour. Pfff.
We try, is all I can say.
Take care, dear San.
One of the friends I was with this weekend is a pain doctor and she knows she sees many stress related symptoms and traumatised patients. And she too just went on and on about these life style factors that should make her patients feel so much better, like excercising, not eating any processed food etc. etc. And not only should the kind of stuff we eat matter, also the order in which we eat it should be managed.
And I just think, these doctors who are not in our position, don't have the faintest idea how hard this stuff is. I mean, we are just trying to stay afloat for starters and this just requires all our energy. And then on top of that, we should ... we should ... yes, we should. It's just infuriating.
Before some of us get the meds we so desperately need. Which would help us feel more balanced. And then, we might work on this other stuff too. It's as if, after what we've been through, we now must earn our right to get treatment by showing some more good behaviour. Pfff.
We try, is all I can say.
Take care, dear San.
#5
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Outside my own head
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 03:33:51 PMHi LadyBoar.
I'm really sorry about the loss of your cat. Losing a companion like that can shake the whole foundation, especially when they were part of how we survived growing up. My childhood pet was that anchor for me too, so I really felt it when you wrote about yours.
It makes complete sense that your mother's reaction would hit the deepest wounds again. That's exactly how old patterns get reactivated. And the inner critic telling you it "wasn't that bad" is something so many of us know too well.
I'm glad you're here. You're not making things up. You're not alone. And wanting to be seen isn't selfish — it's human.
I'm really sorry about the loss of your cat. Losing a companion like that can shake the whole foundation, especially when they were part of how we survived growing up. My childhood pet was that anchor for me too, so I really felt it when you wrote about yours.
It makes complete sense that your mother's reaction would hit the deepest wounds again. That's exactly how old patterns get reactivated. And the inner critic telling you it "wasn't that bad" is something so many of us know too well.
I'm glad you're here. You're not making things up. You're not alone. And wanting to be seen isn't selfish — it's human.
#6
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New Member
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 03:13:16 PMHi Dochartaigh,
I'm so sorry for what you went through. What you described is not "basic" or small — it's exactly the kind of early psychological maltreatment the "Death by a Thousand Cuts" article talks about (link is below).
Those tiny, constant wounds: being unwanted, shamed, called "insane," treated as if you didn't belong, are relational traumas that cut the deepest because they come from the people meant to protect us.
Minimizing it is something so many of us do after early maltreatment ... but what happened to you was real, and it mattered.
The way you longed to be alone and imagined freedom makes so much sense as a child trying to survive the unbearable.
I'm really glad you're here.
You deserved so much better — and you're not alone anymore.
I'm so sorry for what you went through. What you described is not "basic" or small — it's exactly the kind of early psychological maltreatment the "Death by a Thousand Cuts" article talks about (link is below).
Those tiny, constant wounds: being unwanted, shamed, called "insane," treated as if you didn't belong, are relational traumas that cut the deepest because they come from the people meant to protect us.
Minimizing it is something so many of us do after early maltreatment ... but what happened to you was real, and it mattered.
The way you longed to be alone and imagined freedom makes so much sense as a child trying to survive the unbearable.
I'm really glad you're here.
You deserved so much better — and you're not alone anymore.
Quote from: Kizzie on December 07, 2023, 07:13:22 PM... There's a good article here I found today that explains why this is so, how those of us who cannot describe our abuse as horrific and in some cases as abuse itself end up with Complex PTSD.
https://www.complextrauma.org/complex-trauma/death-by-a-thousand-cuts/
...
#7
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Definitely still out in th...
Last post by TriumpOfEmpathy - Today at 02:18:36 PMThanks so much for sharing both, TheBigBlue. Already listening to the song and... well, to quote the song itself- feeling like "[I am] not alone." How beautiful! Sending you love as we both continue on our journeys, hopefully finding some peace and support right here.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:58:13 PMthank you for those o so kind words, hope. i think this stuff can hit me hard cuz of my past and not being able to realize what was going on or how to feel about anything. i've absorbed all these feelings in my life, so when something comes up, it's often a visceral/physical reaction. but i'm doing ok now.
chart, that bottle thing was something i did w/ my D when she was little and had a nightmare. i'd get a bottle, tell her to let the nightmare go into the bottle, sealed it up and put it outdoors, told her it couldn't hurt her anymore. so, i guess she remembered. no anxiety last nite. it's great when a pos. parental teaching comes back to help the parent!
when something grabs me, by the throat, chest, heart, wherever, i guess i just notice it, sit w/ it, wait till it goes away. in the moment i don't think of anything else, but i know it will eventually leave. like all EF's, they may take their time, but they wear themselves out after a while. thank you for caring about me.
i was able to write some of the answers on the doc form last nite. i just feel scattered cuz they seem so cut and dried - do you take a brisk walk 3 times/week? never, often, yes, no. i don't know how to answer these black and white questions cuz it depends on how i'm feeling. i've gone months w/o stepping outdoors, and like the past few days, i've walked normally outdoors about 1/2 mile. i used to walk 3 mi./day on a regular basis, at one point it was 4 1/2, 5 days/week. depending on how my body/mind are is what determines if i exercise at all. it's just frustrating to me cuz i have no schedule like that at all any more. dang, in my 30's i lifted weights 5 days/week, completely re-sculpted my body. now, i have little puny 3 lb. weights that i pick up maybe once a month. any more and my muscles complain, which stresses me, and i go down the tubes.
so, i don't know how to explain what stress does to me, to my system, my mind, my joints (inflammation) - all these physical things that come and go on their own, but at any given point when the inflammation is acting up, i would be diagnosed w/ arthritis or needing a joint replacement! we'll see if i can get that across to her. it's the bell curve syndrome - 80% of people are inside the 'bell', and can get treated a certain way, while 20% of us are on either side, and have to be looked at and treated differently than the masses. in my experience, too many docs don't understand that and it gets frustrating at the least, or i get incorrect treatment and it hurts me rather than helps.
wah wah wah!!! i just hate how this goes so much!!!
chart, that bottle thing was something i did w/ my D when she was little and had a nightmare. i'd get a bottle, tell her to let the nightmare go into the bottle, sealed it up and put it outdoors, told her it couldn't hurt her anymore. so, i guess she remembered. no anxiety last nite. it's great when a pos. parental teaching comes back to help the parent!
when something grabs me, by the throat, chest, heart, wherever, i guess i just notice it, sit w/ it, wait till it goes away. in the moment i don't think of anything else, but i know it will eventually leave. like all EF's, they may take their time, but they wear themselves out after a while. thank you for caring about me.
i was able to write some of the answers on the doc form last nite. i just feel scattered cuz they seem so cut and dried - do you take a brisk walk 3 times/week? never, often, yes, no. i don't know how to answer these black and white questions cuz it depends on how i'm feeling. i've gone months w/o stepping outdoors, and like the past few days, i've walked normally outdoors about 1/2 mile. i used to walk 3 mi./day on a regular basis, at one point it was 4 1/2, 5 days/week. depending on how my body/mind are is what determines if i exercise at all. it's just frustrating to me cuz i have no schedule like that at all any more. dang, in my 30's i lifted weights 5 days/week, completely re-sculpted my body. now, i have little puny 3 lb. weights that i pick up maybe once a month. any more and my muscles complain, which stresses me, and i go down the tubes.
so, i don't know how to explain what stress does to me, to my system, my mind, my joints (inflammation) - all these physical things that come and go on their own, but at any given point when the inflammation is acting up, i would be diagnosed w/ arthritis or needing a joint replacement! we'll see if i can get that across to her. it's the bell curve syndrome - 80% of people are inside the 'bell', and can get treated a certain way, while 20% of us are on either side, and have to be looked at and treated differently than the masses. in my experience, too many docs don't understand that and it gets frustrating at the least, or i get incorrect treatment and it hurts me rather than helps.
wah wah wah!!! i just hate how this goes so much!!!
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by Chart - Today at 01:38:53 PMHey San, your D doing that little destress ritual touched me deeply. How incredibly sensitive and understanding your D is (I bet she gets it from her mum :-)
And those forms and questions!! Yeah, I get triggered by that stuff too. The only positive I see in that is the fact that in the past I NEVER realized it. Now it kicks me and I "get it" much faster.
When that crapola "grabs you by the throat" what do you subsequently do?
Personally I'm still trying to figure out if "angry" reaction is "better" or "acceptance" reaction... or just the old tried and frustrating "observe" reaction. Ah... Cptsd... a game where the rules never cease to change.
(But I'm gonna try that bottling method you did with your D... I love it!)
And those forms and questions!! Yeah, I get triggered by that stuff too. The only positive I see in that is the fact that in the past I NEVER realized it. Now it kicks me and I "get it" much faster.
When that crapola "grabs you by the throat" what do you subsequently do?
Personally I'm still trying to figure out if "angry" reaction is "better" or "acceptance" reaction... or just the old tried and frustrating "observe" reaction. Ah... Cptsd... a game where the rules never cease to change.
(But I'm gonna try that bottling method you did with your D... I love it!)
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Allie's Archives: a recov...
Last post by alliematt - Today at 01:35:10 PMI'm so ashamed.
I haven't been here in a long time and now I come back with my tail between my legs because I'm having a severely hard time coping.
I've been through a three-day nightmare with our Social Security system. I can't get into my son's account (I'm his legal guardian and he's disabled), called Social Security, called the login services, did an in-person visit, created a new account, and STILL can't get in.
I have another in person visit scheduled for JANUARY. This is insane.
I think I had a breakdown last week.
And over the last decade, I've had the rug ripped out from under me. I've questioned everything, lost people, want to escape but CAN'T, and I'm really at the point where I do not know what to do. Or if I do anything, I fear it will not work.
I haven't been here in a long time and now I come back with my tail between my legs because I'm having a severely hard time coping.
I've been through a three-day nightmare with our Social Security system. I can't get into my son's account (I'm his legal guardian and he's disabled), called Social Security, called the login services, did an in-person visit, created a new account, and STILL can't get in.
I have another in person visit scheduled for JANUARY. This is insane.
I think I had a breakdown last week.
And over the last decade, I've had the rug ripped out from under me. I've questioned everything, lost people, want to escape but CAN'T, and I'm really at the point where I do not know what to do. Or if I do anything, I fear it will not work.