Recent posts
#1
AD - Emotional Dysregulation / Re: Feel lonely
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 01:58:14 AMThat sounds really hard, Ran. I'm really glad you've had the helpline - reaching out there when you're struggling takes courage. It's also good that you have the psychiatrist appointment coming up; that's an important step, even if it feels far away right now. You deserve proper support, not just to manage on your own. In the meantime, you're not alone here, and it's okay to take this one small step at a time.
#2
Other / Re: Our Healing Porch Part 8
Last post by Marcine - Today at 12:14:55 AMKnock knock, hello? Hi there, I smelled the good food cooking and the wood fire smoke, and decided to stop by. I brought a bundle of tall, home-made beeswax candles that anyone is welcome to light and enjoy, plenty for all.
I think I'll light one on the beach at sunset tonight and watch the night arrive down by the water. Join me if you'd like.
I think I'll light one on the beach at sunset tonight and watch the night arrive down by the water. Join me if you'd like.
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - December 14, 2025, 10:32:31 PMI had trauma responce. At least now I can tell if something is a trauma responce, but it somehow feels unbelivable, because my mind runs scenes like movies and if some one describes something possibly triggering, then it goes off.
#4
AD - Emotional Dysregulation / Guilt for being traumatized
Last post by DD - December 14, 2025, 10:22:14 PMI'm noticing how much guilt I feel over being traumatized. Every time I have a trauma-based reaction, the moment I notice how badly I've over-reacted, I'm hit with a 
of guilt. It's guilt of being a burden on the person who supported me. It's the feeling of I'm not all here as I am a quilt of pieces of a personality thanks to the life I have lived. It keeps impacting people who had nothing to do with the original thing and I feel so much guilt over that. What ways have you come up with to alleviate this feeling? Because if I then ask for support for the guilt, then it's another spiral and it's a never-ending loop.
of guilt. It's guilt of being a burden on the person who supported me. It's the feeling of I'm not all here as I am a quilt of pieces of a personality thanks to the life I have lived. It keeps impacting people who had nothing to do with the original thing and I feel so much guilt over that. What ways have you come up with to alleviate this feeling? Because if I then ask for support for the guilt, then it's another spiral and it's a never-ending loop. #5
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re: Re-traumatization activate...
Last post by DD - December 14, 2025, 10:18:30 PMYup. The amount of bad ideas I've had to do and follow along with to keep the people around me either directly hurting me or facilitating the hurt to happen... It can have been as simple as just being the less threatening of the two evils at the time.
The BigBlue, it does not come of as preachy. I think you are right. It doesn't really matter. I think I'm intellectualizing it because it's easier than feeling it. I think it is also a survival mechanism I use. If I understand the behavior, I can live with it. As a child I had to live with it, so it made sense. Now, though, I no longer have to. So now it does make all the sense to just look at the outcomes and act accordingly.I think I need to learn a new pattern here of interrupting the intellectualization and the trying to make sense of it every time I catch myself doing it. And just focus on something else.
The BigBlue, it does not come of as preachy. I think you are right. It doesn't really matter. I think I'm intellectualizing it because it's easier than feeling it. I think it is also a survival mechanism I use. If I understand the behavior, I can live with it. As a child I had to live with it, so it made sense. Now, though, I no longer have to. So now it does make all the sense to just look at the outcomes and act accordingly.I think I need to learn a new pattern here of interrupting the intellectualization and the trying to make sense of it every time I catch myself doing it. And just focus on something else.
#6
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re: Re-traumatization activate...
Last post by Chart - December 14, 2025, 10:04:54 PMQuote from: TheBigBlue on December 14, 2025, 09:58:20 PMI hope this doesn't come across as preachy, but I recognize this place so much. What my therapist would gently remind me is that what matters most is the impact on you, not his intentions, explanations, or inner struggles. Your body is reacting because it was that bad for you - and that reaction is real and valid.
Trying to figure out why he did it can keep you stuck in self-doubt and looping. You don't have to decide whether he's a "monster" or not. You already know the situation harmed you. That's enough.
Focusing now on tending to what it did to you - your nervous system, your safety, your recovery - is not avoidance. It's care. And it's allowed. 💛
"I knew it would be a bad idea. I did it anyway. i still don't fully understand this."
IMHO, this is developmental trauma. As a child even, I knew my caregivers were f-up and their behavior was nothing but "bad ideas". But what choice did I have (as an infant baby, young child, adolescent...) what choice did I have but to go along with their bad ideas... if I hadn't, I wouldn't have survived.
This is developmental trauma. No choice... at that age... Any wonder we're still processing that?
#7
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re: Re-traumatization activate...
Last post by TheBigBlue - December 14, 2025, 09:58:20 PMI hope this doesn't come across as preachy, but I recognize this place so much. What my therapist would gently remind me is that what matters most is the impact on you, not his intentions, explanations, or inner struggles. Your body is reacting because it was that bad for you - and that reaction is real and valid.
Trying to figure out why he did it can keep you stuck in self-doubt and looping. You don't have to decide whether he's a "monster" or not. You already know the situation harmed you. That's enough.
Focusing now on tending to what it did to you - your nervous system, your safety, your recovery - is not avoidance. It's care. And it's allowed. 💛
Trying to figure out why he did it can keep you stuck in self-doubt and looping. You don't have to decide whether he's a "monster" or not. You already know the situation harmed you. That's enough.
Focusing now on tending to what it did to you - your nervous system, your safety, your recovery - is not avoidance. It's care. And it's allowed. 💛
#8
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
Last post by Chart - December 14, 2025, 09:41:18 PMHi Abitbroken, welcome to the Forum. Soooo much of what you've written and described resonates with me. I'm so sorry you're struggling. Just quickly, two things: it is a long hard road... but it does get easier with time, patience, self-love and understanding.
Just an observation here: no two children have the same parents. Each sibling is different (even twins). Parents are evolving people with their own history, behaviors and pathologies. And transgenerational trauma is now very well recognized. It can come down to one sibling but not others.
For theses reasons, siblings' experiences can be very different. Just because one sibling seems "normal" doesn't mean a brother or sister didn't experience something different.
Just like "comparing trauma"... no two experiences are identical. This is one of the greatest challenges to understanding adverse childhood experiences (ACE).
However the symptoms of trauma are quite incredibly consistent amongst sufferers. We all know intimately what an EF is. On that there is a lot of consensus and immense amounts of sympathy.
I personally believe I will continue "learning" what Cptsd is for the rest of my life... there's so much to know and understand. Healing is no longer a destination, but has become the path itself. My awareness only deepens over time.
But through it all, the single most important thing for me is that I no longer feel alone on this voyage. I am understood and feel connected. Love is exponential here.
Sending hugs and support if that's okay.
Quote from: Abitbroken on December 13, 2025, 03:26:07 PM...we have touched on some stuff from the past, not feeling safe as a child... or ever in fact, I didn't feel loved as a kid which is weird as my brother says he did, which makes me feel worse... but glad for him of course. My mum also died when I was 13 - so I feel guilty saying I don't feel like I was loved and never felt safe or held when I know she was a good person, and I know my brother did, but that's another story.
Just an observation here: no two children have the same parents. Each sibling is different (even twins). Parents are evolving people with their own history, behaviors and pathologies. And transgenerational trauma is now very well recognized. It can come down to one sibling but not others.
For theses reasons, siblings' experiences can be very different. Just because one sibling seems "normal" doesn't mean a brother or sister didn't experience something different.
Just like "comparing trauma"... no two experiences are identical. This is one of the greatest challenges to understanding adverse childhood experiences (ACE).
However the symptoms of trauma are quite incredibly consistent amongst sufferers. We all know intimately what an EF is. On that there is a lot of consensus and immense amounts of sympathy.
I personally believe I will continue "learning" what Cptsd is for the rest of my life... there's so much to know and understand. Healing is no longer a destination, but has become the path itself. My awareness only deepens over time.
But through it all, the single most important thing for me is that I no longer feel alone on this voyage. I am understood and feel connected. Love is exponential here.
Sending hugs and support if that's okay.
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by TheBigBlue - December 14, 2025, 09:38:58 PM
Wow - thank you for sharing this!
#10
Other / Re: Our Healing Porch Part 8
Last post by Chart - December 14, 2025, 08:52:57 PM
I know that as soon as I tell her how much everyone appreciated them she'll insist on making more.