Recent posts
#1
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Definitely still out in the st...
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 08:15:05 PMHi everyone. I'm in my mid-50s, a high-functioning adult living with Complex PTSD rooted in early attachment trauma, chronic emotional neglect, and long-term parentification/enmeshment with one of my parents. My attachment style is primarily anxious–preoccupied with some disorganized features, especially around separation, abandonment, and identity.
I experience many of the classic CPTSD patterns: hypervigilance, deep shame (including around body image and disability), emotional self-erasure, fawning, overfunctioning, isolation, and a "lost self" that never felt allowed to form. Until recently, I truly believed I "grew up protected." A retraumatization at the end of 2023 broke through that narrative and led me to seek mental health care. I was initially diagnosed with major depression disorder, started CBT in late February, and by mid-April received a full CPTSD diagnosis.
Most days I'm grateful I took the "red pill" and finally lifted the veil of amnesia around how much my childhood shaped and hurt me. I do believe this work will eventually allow me to live more freely. But right now I'm in the difficult in-between phase - some integration, but also a lot of floating, dysregulation, sadness, and spikes of panic. The emotional pain of the past nine months has been intense, and it has affected my professional work more than I ever expected.
I'm currently working through what feels like an existential attachment collapse. i.e. the fear that losing my primary attachment figure means losing myself. I'm in active therapy (CBT twice a week), focusing on stabilization, psychoeducation, and the early steps of identity reconstruction. I'm trying to understand my attachment wounds, soften old protector/survival strategies, and build a sense of self that feels safe and separate.
A rough stretch over the past ten days left me exhausted and lonely, and yesterday I ended up oversharing my life story with a "safe-enough" stranger at the dog park. Nothing unsafe happened, but afterwards I felt embarrassed and regretful. I recognize that I was likely in a vulnerable "after-insight" dip and longing for co-regulation. That moment made me search for a space where I could reach out without fear of burdening anyone, and that's how I found OOTS. I'm hoping that when I feel the need to "spill" again or need support, I can do it here anonymously, safely, and among people who understand what CPTSD feels like from the inside. Thank you for letting me join. I'm glad to be here.
I experience many of the classic CPTSD patterns: hypervigilance, deep shame (including around body image and disability), emotional self-erasure, fawning, overfunctioning, isolation, and a "lost self" that never felt allowed to form. Until recently, I truly believed I "grew up protected." A retraumatization at the end of 2023 broke through that narrative and led me to seek mental health care. I was initially diagnosed with major depression disorder, started CBT in late February, and by mid-April received a full CPTSD diagnosis.
Most days I'm grateful I took the "red pill" and finally lifted the veil of amnesia around how much my childhood shaped and hurt me. I do believe this work will eventually allow me to live more freely. But right now I'm in the difficult in-between phase - some integration, but also a lot of floating, dysregulation, sadness, and spikes of panic. The emotional pain of the past nine months has been intense, and it has affected my professional work more than I ever expected.
I'm currently working through what feels like an existential attachment collapse. i.e. the fear that losing my primary attachment figure means losing myself. I'm in active therapy (CBT twice a week), focusing on stabilization, psychoeducation, and the early steps of identity reconstruction. I'm trying to understand my attachment wounds, soften old protector/survival strategies, and build a sense of self that feels safe and separate.
A rough stretch over the past ten days left me exhausted and lonely, and yesterday I ended up oversharing my life story with a "safe-enough" stranger at the dog park. Nothing unsafe happened, but afterwards I felt embarrassed and regretful. I recognize that I was likely in a vulnerable "after-insight" dip and longing for co-regulation. That moment made me search for a space where I could reach out without fear of burdening anyone, and that's how I found OOTS. I'm hoping that when I feel the need to "spill" again or need support, I can do it here anonymously, safely, and among people who understand what CPTSD feels like from the inside. Thank you for letting me join. I'm glad to be here.
#2
Neglect/Abandonment / Re: Emotional neglect. Possibl...
Last post by Kizzie - Today at 06:08:49 PMI hope being here will be of help to you 
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 03:25:02 PMI'm really glad you found that app and that it is helping you.
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Chart - November 19, 2025, 07:11:17 PM
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by sanmagic7 - November 19, 2025, 03:05:00 PMthanks, hope. as a matter of fact, i finished the big load yesterday, now all that's left is a quick read-through for small errors. the book gets uploaded tomorrow, so we're good to go. whew! big relief
going for my ultrasound in a couple hours. i know the procedure should be no big deal, but i hate it all the same. plus, the anticipation of the results. ugh. my gut is clenching at the thought!
going for my ultrasound in a couple hours. i know the procedure should be no big deal, but i hate it all the same. plus, the anticipation of the results. ugh. my gut is clenching at the thought!
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing or Holding On?
Last post by sanmagic7 - November 19, 2025, 03:02:03 PM
i think it's always a plus when we can connect w/ someone who can make us laugh! love and hugs #7
AD - Emotional Dysregulation / Re: Sudden waves of sadness
Last post by sanmagic7 - November 19, 2025, 02:59:05 PMhey, silveris,
i carry sad around with me all the time. have been w/ it since i was very young, and when i grew older, several people, out of nowhere - strangers- have remarked to me about how sad i look. over the years i've come to realize that i'm very sad for what i didn't get in my life that i needed, very sad i had few resources re: insight, very said i was treated the way i was and everything i've had to carry because of that. i, too, am triggered by similar small things, and will burst into tears at what seems like the smallest provocation.
yeah, just full to overflowing w/ sad. i think it's just stored up because i wasn't able to express it before. so now it leaks out everywhere. you're not alone w/ this. good luck w/ EMDR - i hope it opens you up for you in the gentlest, most positive way. love and hugss
i carry sad around with me all the time. have been w/ it since i was very young, and when i grew older, several people, out of nowhere - strangers- have remarked to me about how sad i look. over the years i've come to realize that i'm very sad for what i didn't get in my life that i needed, very sad i had few resources re: insight, very said i was treated the way i was and everything i've had to carry because of that. i, too, am triggered by similar small things, and will burst into tears at what seems like the smallest provocation.
yeah, just full to overflowing w/ sad. i think it's just stored up because i wasn't able to express it before. so now it leaks out everywhere. you're not alone w/ this. good luck w/ EMDR - i hope it opens you up for you in the gentlest, most positive way. love and hugss
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by Hope67 - November 19, 2025, 02:35:45 PMHi SanMagic,
Hope your editing is going ok, and that you have some nice breaks with maybe tea or coffee (or drink of your choice).
Hope your editing is going ok, and that you have some nice breaks with maybe tea or coffee (or drink of your choice).
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing or Holding On?
Last post by Hope67 - November 19, 2025, 02:34:38 PMGlad you enjoyed the visit with your partner, and that he made you smile and laugh quite a lot, that sounds really nice.
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Hope67 - November 19, 2025, 02:33:21 PMSending you a hug Bach Also wanted to say that I really appreciated what you and Chart said about the Vagus nerve.
Glad to hear that you had some good feelings, and I very much hope that they last longer and maybe become more frequent too.
Also wanted to say that I really appreciated what you and Chart said about the Vagus nerve. Glad to hear that you had some good feelings, and I very much hope that they last longer and maybe become more frequent too.