Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 12:58:03 PMPapaCoco, I'm really glad you're here and that you shared this. I want you to know how much care, thoughtfulness, and heart come through in your words. Even in the middle of something this painful, you're showing so much awareness and compassion toward yourself - that matters more than you probably realize. You're allowing yourself rest, letting Coco support you, and giving your body permission to slow down without shame. That is not giving up, that is learning a new kind of safety. The way you are noticing even small shifts, like being 8% better than yesterday, that's huge when you face tsunami waves.
You matter, PapaCoco, far more than the world ever reflected back to that little boy who had to survive so much. What you went through wasn't fair, and it never should have been yours to carry alone. And yet, here you are, with a 43-year partnership built on love and loyalty, with a depth of kindness and insight that didn't come from nowhere. That says something real about who you are.
You're not alone. It's okay to take this day exactly as it is: to rest, to be unproductive, to hide in the dark for a while, to breathe. We're really glad you're part of this community, and we're holding you with a lot of warmth and care.
You matter, PapaCoco, far more than the world ever reflected back to that little boy who had to survive so much. What you went through wasn't fair, and it never should have been yours to carry alone. And yet, here you are, with a 43-year partnership built on love and loyalty, with a depth of kindness and insight that didn't come from nowhere. That says something real about who you are.
You're not alone. It's okay to take this day exactly as it is: to rest, to be unproductive, to hide in the dark for a while, to breathe. We're really glad you're part of this community, and we're holding you with a lot of warmth and care.
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 12:21:40 PMQuote from: Hope67 on January 17, 2026, 02:26:39 PMIt's probably just a coincidence that it happened. I'm not too worried about it.
This is so great. I am really sorry that you had a night terror after such a long break. But what I quoted there is a completely rational and adult reaction to this. It's very easy for all our child parts to get really upset and think it is our fault. We dared to talk about a night terror and BAM we have summoned one from the deep to punish us. My M was terrible for that sort of superstition. She really drummed it into me and I found myself feeling personally responsible for all manner of things that were nothing to do with me. The most dramatic was when the gas oven we had back in the 70s ignited strongly and singed her eyebrows. A few minutes before I had been quoting from a cartoon show where a character was saying "Oh no, somethings gonna HAPPPEN!" I thought it was funny because the character had a silly voice but got fiercely told off for my doom predictions. So of course I believed the oven issue was totally my fault.
I also agree with you that it is better to talk about things than not. I'm really glad your partner has been so good about supporting you when they happen.
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Blueberry - Today at 12:02:23 PM to you PapaCoco. You made it! You married Coco! Your FOO didn't win that one. #4
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by Chart - Today at 09:40:22 AMYou're in my thoughts this weekend, San. Take care. Sending love.
#5
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: The individual Healing Coo...
Last post by Marcine - Today at 08:17:06 AMHi Chart,
I love your idea of sharing healing recipes.
Here are the ingredients for my daily nourishment:
- morning t'ai chi
- evening yoga and meditation
- aerobic exercise outdoors (hike, bike, swim, snowshoe, xc ski— as seasons and mood allow)
- emotional literacy
* I've practiced for the past 4+ years actively noticing and naming my feelings in the moment, writing them each as single words in circles, then with 3 lines from each circle, writing 3 related feelings under each main one. I do this with paper and pen. And when I am done noting them, I say I am feeling all this and it's ok.
(This was a Richard Grannon exercise originally.)
I found it to be the key to unlock the vault where I had had to hide my self long ago. It amazes me to see the kaleidoscope of my emotions! I sometimes have seemingly conflicting feelings at any given moment—- calm and terrified... hopeful and depressed.
And I always gain insights into my self... and eventually compassion. Especially during a flashback or stress.
It was hard to start because I didn't know how to find my feelings or identify them. Wasn't sure I was worthy of feeling them.
But I just began. With rudimentary feeling words at first, then I got more literate and built up to being able to smoothly and accurately describe my feelings to myself.
It really helped me thaw out and connect with myself. I still find it useful on a daily basis as I continue my adventure of being a good friend to myself.
I love your idea of sharing healing recipes.
Here are the ingredients for my daily nourishment:
- morning t'ai chi
- evening yoga and meditation
- aerobic exercise outdoors (hike, bike, swim, snowshoe, xc ski— as seasons and mood allow)
- emotional literacy
* I've practiced for the past 4+ years actively noticing and naming my feelings in the moment, writing them each as single words in circles, then with 3 lines from each circle, writing 3 related feelings under each main one. I do this with paper and pen. And when I am done noting them, I say I am feeling all this and it's ok.
(This was a Richard Grannon exercise originally.)
I found it to be the key to unlock the vault where I had had to hide my self long ago. It amazes me to see the kaleidoscope of my emotions! I sometimes have seemingly conflicting feelings at any given moment—- calm and terrified... hopeful and depressed.
And I always gain insights into my self... and eventually compassion. Especially during a flashback or stress.
It was hard to start because I didn't know how to find my feelings or identify them. Wasn't sure I was worthy of feeling them.
But I just began. With rudimentary feeling words at first, then I got more literate and built up to being able to smoothly and accurately describe my feelings to myself.
It really helped me thaw out and connect with myself. I still find it useful on a daily basis as I continue my adventure of being a good friend to myself.
#6
Symptoms - Other / Re: Schrodingers jealousy
Last post by lowbudgetTV - Today at 05:36:14 AMHi NK and all, reading this thread made me think of an adjacent situation with my mother. Schrodinger's Jealousy manifested for me as Schrodinger's Self.
My mother often talked about things and misrecalled details I'd mention in passing. My true self, to her, was stuff I'd randomly say or acknowledge. Somehow, My mother's daughter (me; only child) wanted to move to Paris (ew!?), loved octopi, and wanted to raise rabbits. I don't know any parent who would willingly give their child an exotic pet because they went "aw, cute animal!" once in passing, save for if that parent was a stereotypical distant rich parent of a bratty child in a film, lol.
The confusion comes in alongside like, gaslighting, I personally think. It's an adjacent or subcategory, it is! It's how they say "so I know you're so happy!" or "don't be mad" before giving you a chance to actually be a person. It makes you confused, and it creates conflict if you protest. It also makes you feel crazy (gaslighting) because you begin to wonder if you ever did like/do/feel what they're implying. And even if you DID, and now don't feel the same, they denied you the ability to grow and change and present yourself differently (I often had my parents speak for me, telling others what I was or felt...)
In short, no wonder we might all feel like we don't know who we are, what we like, et cetera. We were puppeted like dolls sometimes!
My mother often talked about things and misrecalled details I'd mention in passing. My true self, to her, was stuff I'd randomly say or acknowledge. Somehow, My mother's daughter (me; only child) wanted to move to Paris (ew!?), loved octopi, and wanted to raise rabbits. I don't know any parent who would willingly give their child an exotic pet because they went "aw, cute animal!" once in passing, save for if that parent was a stereotypical distant rich parent of a bratty child in a film, lol.
The confusion comes in alongside like, gaslighting, I personally think. It's an adjacent or subcategory, it is! It's how they say "so I know you're so happy!" or "don't be mad" before giving you a chance to actually be a person. It makes you confused, and it creates conflict if you protest. It also makes you feel crazy (gaslighting) because you begin to wonder if you ever did like/do/feel what they're implying. And even if you DID, and now don't feel the same, they denied you the ability to grow and change and present yourself differently (I often had my parents speak for me, telling others what I was or felt...)
In short, no wonder we might all feel like we don't know who we are, what we like, et cetera. We were puppeted like dolls sometimes!
#7
Other / Re: Strange Occurrence: Deep D...
Last post by lowbudgetTV - Today at 05:06:13 AMThank you NK, Teddy and Chart! I do agree. It must be something about my childhood experience that got blocked, and now it is strange trying to feel it now.
I especially agree with your Ancedote NK!
I relate to this a lot. I would feel repulsed often by my mother, especially when she would verbally whine and get fustrated. Perhaps this is the through-line. I saw her and was fustrated with her for having her life be harder than it needed to be and she refused. I remember many times when I got older that I shut down, became the adult, and then solved her problem to get the sound of that screeching whine to go away. It was textbook!
Additionally, to the second point, I would hate when she was vulnerable with me. I would hate being loved. It was not typical teenager angst. I knew somehow that it was different and worse. It felt fake and wrong.
Yet I am protective of children. I love how many stories there are nowadays of--and I suppose anywhere but here would this be an off color thing to say--genuinely abused children getting happy endings. I learned about the eucatastrophe in University Lit Classes and I identified with it ever since. (Wikipedia explains it perfectly well: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eucatastrophe) I really liked watching the Owl House, a fairly recent Disney TV show, for a character in that. A even younger me would've loved it.
I think that really sums up what I feel too. I like cute things, but I'm also rough. I am hard with a soft interior (though IRL I probably usually appear soft with a very hard interior; some people do think I look scary sometimes... I think its my "RBF")
This is all to say that I'll probably be exploring these feelings through art. I like stories and comics, so I need to draw it out more. I did recently finish an art piece, actually, that depicted a strong emotion using a character I connected with.
Anyways, to end my ramblings (I approve of them; ramble on my threads if you have thoughts!), I do think my feelings reflect my thoughts and experiences with the people I fear and loathe. There were times I was made fun of for liking "weak, childish" things. There were times I was made to feel less by being treated like a baby. Studying Disability Rights and Culture too, I have seen so many instances where certain people are treated a certain way and it feels so dehumanizing to be babied. My mother and other family definitely did that specific stuff in addition to how they treated me. Not to mention how sensitive I was to situations where nothing was being done but could've been done, and the only way to free myself was to grow up.
I want to be treated, rewarded, celebrated, sometimes babied by the ones I truly loved--but I also want to be an adult with my own individuality and changing interests. I am intelligent, and I also happen to like soft things. Then, it is perfectly normal to turn around and like dark things too (I wrote this and recalled a time where my mother got mad at me for drawing a bloody vampire, saying it was too scary. Too bad! My art makes people feel emotions and that's the point sometimes, to feel uncomfy!). I am a human and I am complex.
I especially agree with your Ancedote NK!
Quote from: NarcKiddo on January 17, 2026, 02:19:27 PMI had to "mature" extremely fast for my life to be somehow tolerable. In with that, my mother was and is very immature. She is like a giant, vindictive toddler and actually is not shy of acknowledging she is childish at times. So for me, the thought of possibly being vulnerable like a child is awful.
[...]
The instant my mother tries to manoeuvre me into a child position, however, I am on full alert. She is not safe, and my child parts are not yet convinced that I am able to protect them.
I relate to this a lot. I would feel repulsed often by my mother, especially when she would verbally whine and get fustrated. Perhaps this is the through-line. I saw her and was fustrated with her for having her life be harder than it needed to be and she refused. I remember many times when I got older that I shut down, became the adult, and then solved her problem to get the sound of that screeching whine to go away. It was textbook!
Additionally, to the second point, I would hate when she was vulnerable with me. I would hate being loved. It was not typical teenager angst. I knew somehow that it was different and worse. It felt fake and wrong.
Yet I am protective of children. I love how many stories there are nowadays of--and I suppose anywhere but here would this be an off color thing to say--genuinely abused children getting happy endings. I learned about the eucatastrophe in University Lit Classes and I identified with it ever since. (Wikipedia explains it perfectly well: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eucatastrophe) I really liked watching the Owl House, a fairly recent Disney TV show, for a character in that. A even younger me would've loved it.
I think that really sums up what I feel too. I like cute things, but I'm also rough. I am hard with a soft interior (though IRL I probably usually appear soft with a very hard interior; some people do think I look scary sometimes... I think its my "RBF")
This is all to say that I'll probably be exploring these feelings through art. I like stories and comics, so I need to draw it out more. I did recently finish an art piece, actually, that depicted a strong emotion using a character I connected with.
Anyways, to end my ramblings (I approve of them; ramble on my threads if you have thoughts!), I do think my feelings reflect my thoughts and experiences with the people I fear and loathe. There were times I was made fun of for liking "weak, childish" things. There were times I was made to feel less by being treated like a baby. Studying Disability Rights and Culture too, I have seen so many instances where certain people are treated a certain way and it feels so dehumanizing to be babied. My mother and other family definitely did that specific stuff in addition to how they treated me. Not to mention how sensitive I was to situations where nothing was being done but could've been done, and the only way to free myself was to grow up.
I want to be treated, rewarded, celebrated, sometimes babied by the ones I truly loved--but I also want to be an adult with my own individuality and changing interests. I am intelligent, and I also happen to like soft things. Then, it is perfectly normal to turn around and like dark things too (I wrote this and recalled a time where my mother got mad at me for drawing a bloody vampire, saying it was too scary. Too bad! My art makes people feel emotions and that's the point sometimes, to feel uncomfy!). I am a human and I am complex.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 02:56:13 AMthank you so, TBB. i appreciate all the healing sent my way. i just need to rest off the stress of last week.
hannah1, i forgot to thank you for your validating words - haven't been thinking straight, foggy brain and all. thanks for the extra hope coming my way - much appreciated. i think i've been thru this ordeal enough times to know i want a T who wants to take care of me, not the other way around, and i'm no longer afraid to say so. i was, very much so, in the past, but it's been a long road and a lot of practice w/ much encouragement from people like you to get me to where i am. thank you so.
hangin' in. cutting way back this weekend.
hannah1, i forgot to thank you for your validating words - haven't been thinking straight, foggy brain and all. thanks for the extra hope coming my way - much appreciated. i think i've been thru this ordeal enough times to know i want a T who wants to take care of me, not the other way around, and i'm no longer afraid to say so. i was, very much so, in the past, but it's been a long road and a lot of practice w/ much encouragement from people like you to get me to where i am. thank you so.
hangin' in. cutting way back this weekend.
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 02:51:04 AMchart, your thanks are profoundly and gently received because a lot of us know how very difficult it is to take in the good stuff. we know, with bells on, how to take in the bad - lots of practice with that. here, amazingly enough, there are a bunch of honest, caring people who, as far as i've known, do not lie when they give out compliments. for me, it's been part of the reprogramming, getting pos. stuff over and over until it finally finds its way to sinking in, even if only an inch at first, but eventually all the way to the heart, cells, and soul.
we wouldn't say these things if we didn't mean it. with our experiences, we know what pos., healthy parenting looks like, and i, for one, absolutely want to celebrate it. you deserve it, chart. i hope you can begin taking it in as real. this is what we all wish we had. love and hugs
we wouldn't say these things if we didn't mean it. with our experiences, we know what pos., healthy parenting looks like, and i, for one, absolutely want to celebrate it. you deserve it, chart. i hope you can begin taking it in as real. this is what we all wish we had. love and hugs
