Recent posts
#1
AD - Emotional Dysregulation / Re: Sudden waves of sadness
Last post by Silveris - Today at 06:56:56 PMSorry for replying late - time and me are not on the best of terms as of late... Thank you all for replying and I'm glad that others can relate or feel seen.
What I'm saying is that I've noticed some triggers that make be break down and I can see some of them, but others are less noticeable and their effects can show later and unprompted. It doesn't fully explain the sudden waves of sadness but at least I see some connections now.
Anyway, thank you for your feedback and insights. I hope your emotions become easier to manage and I wish you best of luck with your EMDR therapy.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 25, 2025, 01:10:13 PMi was utilizing EMDR therapy, which brought up the emotions i hadn't been aware of at the timeI've started seeing a therapist and we've touched on EMDR a little but not much yet. Still, with their guidance I've had a few breakthroughs with unraveling some emotions I haven't felt before. Namely sympathy and anger. Sympathy/pity for myself back then as a child, and indignant anger for the child having to endure dangerous situations. I have never felt sympathy for myself or harbored any grudges but I'm glad I've unlocked new emotions in my disposal. These achievements paired with getting more in touch with my emotions via somatic exercises helps to navigate the mental landscape and gives me a bit of insight into why I have these rare outbursts.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 25, 2025, 01:10:13 PMextremely strong emotions, such as anger, have often built up over time, have settled within me without me knowing about it, and then the straw breaks that camel's back, and i kind of explode. over timeBy now I can better understand that I'm in a volatile state but it's not a total control or understanding. I'm still not sure what exact emotions are simmering and marinating inside, but I can guess better. But I have noticed a thing in the past few months. During hard times when my mental state is undermined, there can be triggers that tip the scales. Usually it's something small, like a sentence I read or an image I see. For example a song I was listening to had a lyric "You're hailing from a broken home" and it made me immediately tear up and lose composure. Something in me related and resonated with it so much it was a breaking point then and there. Or earlier, I was watching a documentary about Chris McCandless, the guy who traveled the country and retreated to the nature to escape the world to live in peace and solitude. He died alone but died happy and has lived more than most of people ever will. His life and story made me break down multiple times as I resonated with the primal desire to just go away and be free.
What I'm saying is that I've noticed some triggers that make be break down and I can see some of them, but others are less noticeable and their effects can show later and unprompted. It doesn't fully explain the sudden waves of sadness but at least I see some connections now.
Anyway, thank you for your feedback and insights. I hope your emotions become easier to manage and I wish you best of luck with your EMDR therapy.
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 03:48:09 PMPC, that was great advice, to trust my heart. thank you for that. she's going thru a rough time w/ someone right now, so i know this is not a good time to say anything about my concerns. i appreciate you gilligan example, and i agree w/ it. one screw-up, one action that is not the 'norm' can label you forever, no matter the true circumstances or how we've evolved. or, too often in my case, because i followed my own path, which others deemed 'irresponsible', so my entire experience was written off, no matter the reality of what it entailed. yep, got it! and thank you very much for your kind words. today, especially, they were truly appreciated. 
still editing - gettin' it done, but it's, as always, a back-breaker.
still editing - gettin' it done, but it's, as always, a back-breaker.
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 03:40:34 PMbach, i'm hoping the next time your good feelings will last longer. however, i'm really glad you got to have some, even if only for a little while. that hope thing is so important, too. love and hugs
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 03:37:25 PMPC, you've reiterated my belief about the body keeping our unexpressed energy. i've been sure that most of my physical ailments come from storing the energy of emotions i wasn't able to express. and emotions carry energy. i can easily jump onto the train of heart attacks may be due to unexpressed heart pain. all very fascinating, and i'm so glad you're getting closer to healing these pains. that is wonderful! love and hugs
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by Papa Coco - Today at 03:19:30 PMSO,
I too am terrified at the doorbell and the phone when it rings. My heart goes into my throat. I see some growth in you though in that you didn't fawn over the partier who wanted you to give him booze. Good for you!!!!! That's something to put in your pocket as a win. I'll always take a win, even a small one.
I have a noisy neighborhood too. For years I've been angry and hurt and frustrated over the music and barking dogs, but more and more I'm giving in and just wearing earmuffs and turning on loud fans at bedtime. If I thought I could find a better place to live, I'd move, but so far, I can't, so I'm doing plan B instead. It's starting to be easier for me to deal with a little. Still...maybe someday I can find a quieter home.
I'm deeply fascinated by your upcoming trip alone off the grid. The battle going on inside you is what's got me so enthralled. You want to do something that you find has value. You're doing it for you. Even though these trips make you feel alone and stressed, you still do them because you see a true value in them. BUT then you feel like you shouldn't do them. Like a little part of you is telling you that you shouldn't, while a bigger part of you is encouraging you to do it.
Some of the members of the forum have taught me a saying, "You're shoulding all over yourself." HA HA! I love that saying and I use it all the time now.
If going off grid for extended time periods helps you find any healing at all in your soul then I'm impressed you are working up the courage to do them, and not letting your little should-head guilt you into stopping.
What I've learned in my incessant reading of any books written by successful trauma therapists, is that courage is the fence that we stand on. With each event of our lives we choose which side of the fence to step off into: the "retreating" side where we continue to hide in fear or the "go for it" side where we risk actually living in success. I know it's a good thing to pick our battles, and retreat when it's appropriate, but I'm starting to see that it can be a good thing to step off into the "go for it" side once in a while too. The doorbell rings and we feel fear. If we choose to cower to the fear, we hide and remain afraid. If we choose to gather enough courage to open the door even while we're afraid, we find resolution. Sometimes hiding saves us from harm. Sometimes opening the door does. I guess that's what's called Discernment: Knowing when to advance and when to retreat. It's a good skill to cultivate.
Courage to face our emotions transforms fear into accomplishments.
The emotion I deal with more than all others is the emotion of Apathy. Apathy is when I give up and roll over and decide life isn't worth living and my values mean nothing and it just doesn't matter anymore. What I've learned through my studies is that if I can add a little courage to my appathy and decide that I AM worth something, the emotion of Apathy transforms into the emotion of Surrender.
Surrender is to say, "I am willing to let go of my own desires in favor of getting with the program". It tends to lead to acceptance of the things I can't change, which then diverts my energies into the things I'd forgotten I CAN change.
Apathy is to say, "I'm letting go and I don't care anymore." It tends to lead to an inability to accept the things I can't change, and takes all the energy away from the things I CAN change.
When going for it is the right choice, courage is alchemy. It turns lead into gold within our hearts. Courage is being willing to open the door even though we're scared to do so. Courage is being willing to take a long trip off the grid even when parts of us are screaming in our heads to not do it.
I'm impressed by your courage. I have never had the courage to go off grid alone like what you're doing.
Good luck and I hope it's the best off-grid trip of all so far.
PC
I too am terrified at the doorbell and the phone when it rings. My heart goes into my throat. I see some growth in you though in that you didn't fawn over the partier who wanted you to give him booze. Good for you!!!!! That's something to put in your pocket as a win. I'll always take a win, even a small one.
I have a noisy neighborhood too. For years I've been angry and hurt and frustrated over the music and barking dogs, but more and more I'm giving in and just wearing earmuffs and turning on loud fans at bedtime. If I thought I could find a better place to live, I'd move, but so far, I can't, so I'm doing plan B instead. It's starting to be easier for me to deal with a little. Still...maybe someday I can find a quieter home.
I'm deeply fascinated by your upcoming trip alone off the grid. The battle going on inside you is what's got me so enthralled. You want to do something that you find has value. You're doing it for you. Even though these trips make you feel alone and stressed, you still do them because you see a true value in them. BUT then you feel like you shouldn't do them. Like a little part of you is telling you that you shouldn't, while a bigger part of you is encouraging you to do it.
Some of the members of the forum have taught me a saying, "You're shoulding all over yourself." HA HA! I love that saying and I use it all the time now.
If going off grid for extended time periods helps you find any healing at all in your soul then I'm impressed you are working up the courage to do them, and not letting your little should-head guilt you into stopping.
What I've learned in my incessant reading of any books written by successful trauma therapists, is that courage is the fence that we stand on. With each event of our lives we choose which side of the fence to step off into: the "retreating" side where we continue to hide in fear or the "go for it" side where we risk actually living in success. I know it's a good thing to pick our battles, and retreat when it's appropriate, but I'm starting to see that it can be a good thing to step off into the "go for it" side once in a while too. The doorbell rings and we feel fear. If we choose to cower to the fear, we hide and remain afraid. If we choose to gather enough courage to open the door even while we're afraid, we find resolution. Sometimes hiding saves us from harm. Sometimes opening the door does. I guess that's what's called Discernment: Knowing when to advance and when to retreat. It's a good skill to cultivate.
Courage to face our emotions transforms fear into accomplishments.
The emotion I deal with more than all others is the emotion of Apathy. Apathy is when I give up and roll over and decide life isn't worth living and my values mean nothing and it just doesn't matter anymore. What I've learned through my studies is that if I can add a little courage to my appathy and decide that I AM worth something, the emotion of Apathy transforms into the emotion of Surrender.
Surrender is to say, "I am willing to let go of my own desires in favor of getting with the program". It tends to lead to acceptance of the things I can't change, which then diverts my energies into the things I'd forgotten I CAN change.
Apathy is to say, "I'm letting go and I don't care anymore." It tends to lead to an inability to accept the things I can't change, and takes all the energy away from the things I CAN change.
When going for it is the right choice, courage is alchemy. It turns lead into gold within our hearts. Courage is being willing to open the door even though we're scared to do so. Courage is being willing to take a long trip off the grid even when parts of us are screaming in our heads to not do it.
I'm impressed by your courage. I have never had the courage to go off grid alone like what you're doing.
Good luck and I hope it's the best off-grid trip of all so far.
PC
#7
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Re: Three Good Things Today - ...
Last post by Blueberry - Today at 02:54:27 PM1) The sun is shining
2) Snow lying in gardens and on fields, but not on the roads.
3) I've been putting items to sell on the Internet classifieds, after practising copying photos from my camera onto my hard-drive with OT this morning. It's a good feeling of purpose and accomplishment.
2) Snow lying in gardens and on fields, but not on the roads.
3) I've been putting items to sell on the Internet classifieds, after practising copying photos from my camera onto my hard-drive with OT this morning. It's a good feeling of purpose and accomplishment.
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by Papa Coco - Today at 02:46:48 PMSan,
It's good to read that you are starting to get some sleep. Sounds like the medications you and your MD are exploring are doing what you need them to do. That's always nice.
I can't possibly know what you should say to your D, but I can absolutely resonate with what it is like to have people whom I love being poisoned by the words of the unscrupulous. Knowing when or how to talk with her is a "sticky wicket".
In my own family, I tried for decades to defend myself against the lies and gossip of what was being said about me. In fact, I have come to know that what was said about me all those years was far more damaging than anything said to me.
Each family is similar but not identical. What worked to help me get past it in my own family was a decision to take the high road and just be the better person. Every time I tried to defend myself I just looked more guilty. So why bother trying? It didn't fix things with the family. I ended up being abandoned by all of them, but in my own heart, at least I'm not having to defend myself anymore. I no longer care what they say about me. BUT this is your D, who you want very much to stay in your life. So I'm not so sure that what I did is the right path for you.
BUT there is something to making sure that no matter what you decide to do, doing it from the high road is still a good thing. Out in the world, people say "Don't lower ourselves to their level" and I guess that's what I chose to do in my family. If anyone can't see that they're being lied to, we aren't really able to change that. It isn't until they look at him then at you and realize that one of you is a lying gossip and the other an honest victim, that they will fix this within themselves.
I recently learned a term: "Identified Patient." The quickest way for me to grasp the concept is to think of the old TV show, Gilligan's Island. Gilligan was the identified patient. The screw up. He was honest and well-meaning, but he made mistakes. And after a short while his propensity for mistakes defined him. Now, no matter what happened, the other 6 castaways on his island always just knew Gilligan was the one who was the mistake maker. Even when he wasn't making mistakes, they saw him as the mistake maker anyway. He couldn't ever break free of the reputation they were forcing on him. After a discussion with some friends last week, I started to see that I was the designated patient in my own FOO, and when anything went wrong, everyone just knew I was the screwup. I couldn't shake the reputation. I'd been typecast. No matter what happened, PC was the screwup so let's do like we always do and blame him. It had gotten to the point where all 4 of my siblings could marry and have children and be congratulated for it, but whenever I'd date, or when I married, or when I announced my wife's pregnancies, the family would panic because I was doing something stupid.
My wife's family was the opposite. They loved me and trusted me. They were overjoyed to welcome me in when I married their daughter, and they celebrated and supported all our pregnancies. I wasn't "the Gilligan" on their island. They saw me for who I really was. My own FOO saw me for who they had all decided I was.
Some people are able to fix their typecasting, others aren't. So I don't know if you should talk to your D or not, but I am sending you all the love and support I can to help you find your way through this decision. From reading your posts, I view you as a loving, compassionate, beautiful soul, and I hope you can feel that from more than just me. I think there are a number of people on the forum who write things that support that same sense of trust in you.
Maybe, I guess, just take your time and think this through until your heart finally feels like it knows what to do.
It's good to read that you are starting to get some sleep. Sounds like the medications you and your MD are exploring are doing what you need them to do. That's always nice.
I can't possibly know what you should say to your D, but I can absolutely resonate with what it is like to have people whom I love being poisoned by the words of the unscrupulous. Knowing when or how to talk with her is a "sticky wicket".
In my own family, I tried for decades to defend myself against the lies and gossip of what was being said about me. In fact, I have come to know that what was said about me all those years was far more damaging than anything said to me.
Each family is similar but not identical. What worked to help me get past it in my own family was a decision to take the high road and just be the better person. Every time I tried to defend myself I just looked more guilty. So why bother trying? It didn't fix things with the family. I ended up being abandoned by all of them, but in my own heart, at least I'm not having to defend myself anymore. I no longer care what they say about me. BUT this is your D, who you want very much to stay in your life. So I'm not so sure that what I did is the right path for you.
BUT there is something to making sure that no matter what you decide to do, doing it from the high road is still a good thing. Out in the world, people say "Don't lower ourselves to their level" and I guess that's what I chose to do in my family. If anyone can't see that they're being lied to, we aren't really able to change that. It isn't until they look at him then at you and realize that one of you is a lying gossip and the other an honest victim, that they will fix this within themselves.
I recently learned a term: "Identified Patient." The quickest way for me to grasp the concept is to think of the old TV show, Gilligan's Island. Gilligan was the identified patient. The screw up. He was honest and well-meaning, but he made mistakes. And after a short while his propensity for mistakes defined him. Now, no matter what happened, the other 6 castaways on his island always just knew Gilligan was the one who was the mistake maker. Even when he wasn't making mistakes, they saw him as the mistake maker anyway. He couldn't ever break free of the reputation they were forcing on him. After a discussion with some friends last week, I started to see that I was the designated patient in my own FOO, and when anything went wrong, everyone just knew I was the screwup. I couldn't shake the reputation. I'd been typecast. No matter what happened, PC was the screwup so let's do like we always do and blame him. It had gotten to the point where all 4 of my siblings could marry and have children and be congratulated for it, but whenever I'd date, or when I married, or when I announced my wife's pregnancies, the family would panic because I was doing something stupid.
My wife's family was the opposite. They loved me and trusted me. They were overjoyed to welcome me in when I married their daughter, and they celebrated and supported all our pregnancies. I wasn't "the Gilligan" on their island. They saw me for who I really was. My own FOO saw me for who they had all decided I was.
Some people are able to fix their typecasting, others aren't. So I don't know if you should talk to your D or not, but I am sending you all the love and support I can to help you find your way through this decision. From reading your posts, I view you as a loving, compassionate, beautiful soul, and I hope you can feel that from more than just me. I think there are a number of people on the forum who write things that support that same sense of trust in you.
Maybe, I guess, just take your time and think this through until your heart finally feels like it knows what to do.
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by Papa Coco - Today at 02:19:08 PMJournal Entry: 11/18/2025
Lots of changes lately. I've found an inexpensive app that provides a fairly robust listing of guided meditations that include binaural sounds (recorded with two microphones, providing different sounds between my two ears) that sort of do what EMDR does, but with ears instead of eyes. As the sounds move back and forth and up and down and around me through my headphones, I'm able to stay focused, and I think they do something like what EMDR does to open up different parts of the brain to receive the information that's being given to me through the guided meditations.
As I've been learning how to let go of the pain that is associated with my memories (A technique I learned from the book: Letting Go: the Pathway of Surrender, by Dr. David R Hawkins), I'm now getting even deeper help through these meditations.
This morning I selected a 40-minute meditation on self-forgiveness. It really dug in deep into my psyche and helped me to feel the true pain that I've been holding onto in my chest. I can truly see the reality that is taught to us through books like The Body Keeps the Score, by Bessel Van Der Kolk. Van Der Kolk's book told me that my body keeps energy and manifests illnesses in the areas where I'm holding stuck energy, but this meditation, this morning, was the first time I've ever truly experienced in my body what the book taught me in my intellect.
I've been learning that books tell us what it's like to experience something but experiencing it for real is a whole different learning. For example, You can write a book that tells me what it feels like to swim, but until I actually jump into the pool, I don't really know. As of this morning, I KNOW what Van Der Kolk's book is saying about how stuck energy from the past ravages the body in the present. I felt it. I still feel it.
For my self-forgiveness, I do have a short list of things I've done in my past that I have never been able to forgive myself for. There were times that, because of my own abandonment issues, I've abandoned people or pets that loved me, and after a few years I discovered how badly my leaving had hurt them. Even though it was my own trauma that had me flee from them, I've never been able to forgive myself for those few times when my own trauma led to me hurting someone else in the same way.
This morning, as I was instructed to call up one of those instances so I could bring it forward for healing, the pain in my chest was greater than any I'd ever felt. Somehow, I knew, this was always there, but I'd always masked the pain over by stuffing it back down. A lot of the authors we read for trauma healing tell us that many heart attacks are the result of the pain we hold in our hearts from feeling abandoned, and as of this morning, I no longer just believe this, I now KNOW it is true. I feel it.
This morning a pain burst out into the open in my chest, and I was able to begin the process of releasing it. I plan to revisit this meditation at least once a week for as long as it takes to make that pain start to shrink. I hope that if I can do this repeatedly, every so often, that each time I do it, the pain will be less and less, and the self-forgiveness will be greater and greater. One time in the meditation isn't enough, but like an antibiotic medication, we have to take it every day for a while before we are healed, right?
Lots of changes lately. I've found an inexpensive app that provides a fairly robust listing of guided meditations that include binaural sounds (recorded with two microphones, providing different sounds between my two ears) that sort of do what EMDR does, but with ears instead of eyes. As the sounds move back and forth and up and down and around me through my headphones, I'm able to stay focused, and I think they do something like what EMDR does to open up different parts of the brain to receive the information that's being given to me through the guided meditations.
As I've been learning how to let go of the pain that is associated with my memories (A technique I learned from the book: Letting Go: the Pathway of Surrender, by Dr. David R Hawkins), I'm now getting even deeper help through these meditations.
This morning I selected a 40-minute meditation on self-forgiveness. It really dug in deep into my psyche and helped me to feel the true pain that I've been holding onto in my chest. I can truly see the reality that is taught to us through books like The Body Keeps the Score, by Bessel Van Der Kolk. Van Der Kolk's book told me that my body keeps energy and manifests illnesses in the areas where I'm holding stuck energy, but this meditation, this morning, was the first time I've ever truly experienced in my body what the book taught me in my intellect.
I've been learning that books tell us what it's like to experience something but experiencing it for real is a whole different learning. For example, You can write a book that tells me what it feels like to swim, but until I actually jump into the pool, I don't really know. As of this morning, I KNOW what Van Der Kolk's book is saying about how stuck energy from the past ravages the body in the present. I felt it. I still feel it.
For my self-forgiveness, I do have a short list of things I've done in my past that I have never been able to forgive myself for. There were times that, because of my own abandonment issues, I've abandoned people or pets that loved me, and after a few years I discovered how badly my leaving had hurt them. Even though it was my own trauma that had me flee from them, I've never been able to forgive myself for those few times when my own trauma led to me hurting someone else in the same way.
This morning, as I was instructed to call up one of those instances so I could bring it forward for healing, the pain in my chest was greater than any I'd ever felt. Somehow, I knew, this was always there, but I'd always masked the pain over by stuffing it back down. A lot of the authors we read for trauma healing tell us that many heart attacks are the result of the pain we hold in our hearts from feeling abandoned, and as of this morning, I no longer just believe this, I now KNOW it is true. I feel it.
This morning a pain burst out into the open in my chest, and I was able to begin the process of releasing it. I plan to revisit this meditation at least once a week for as long as it takes to make that pain start to shrink. I hope that if I can do this repeatedly, every so often, that each time I do it, the pain will be less and less, and the self-forgiveness will be greater and greater. One time in the meditation isn't enough, but like an antibiotic medication, we have to take it every day for a while before we are healed, right?
#10
Physical Issues / Re: Skin problems in stressful...
Last post by dollyvee - Today at 07:50:35 AMHey Erec,
I had frequent eczema as a child in addition to numerous "allergies." Interestingly, the only food related allergy I had been confirmed for at the time was chocolate. Because of recent health issues (wrote about elsewhere on the forum), I have come back to these allergies/issues. Mast cells (and mast cell activation) can be triggered by stress. Some of the symptoms that present with it frequently are skin issues (hives etc). Certain people predisposed to having inflammatory genetic markers (as well as the genetics for developing mastocitisis (sp?)) can present with this and lead to a lot of complex and varying symptoms in people. Now, when I eat something that I think might be a trigger, I will have itchy elbows etc for example (a place of eczema as a child).
dolly
I had frequent eczema as a child in addition to numerous "allergies." Interestingly, the only food related allergy I had been confirmed for at the time was chocolate. Because of recent health issues (wrote about elsewhere on the forum), I have come back to these allergies/issues. Mast cells (and mast cell activation) can be triggered by stress. Some of the symptoms that present with it frequently are skin issues (hives etc). Certain people predisposed to having inflammatory genetic markers (as well as the genetics for developing mastocitisis (sp?)) can present with this and lead to a lot of complex and varying symptoms in people. Now, when I eat something that I think might be a trigger, I will have itchy elbows etc for example (a place of eczema as a child).
dolly