Recent posts

#1
Neglect/Abandonment / Re: Others who's core trauma w...
Last post by Chart - Today at 07:08:01 PM
Thank you to everyone who contributed to this thread. Took awhile to read through it and much of it wasn't easy, but hearing all this really makes me feel less alone. Thank you thank you thank you.
#2
Neglect/Abandonment / Re: Others who's core trauma w...
Last post by Chart - Today at 07:03:14 PM
Quote from: saylor on November 24, 2019, 04:54:33 PMI wish there were a way to ensure that only people who really wanted to be good (enough) parents reproduced. So much damage and pain could be averted
Thank you for this observation Saylor! A few years ago I had a similar reflection that went like this:
In order to legally get behind the wheel of a car you have to spend months practicing driving accompanied by an instructor, then accompanied by your parents for at least several months more. You have to read all the rules, study the road regulations and at the end take a written test as well as a test driving a vehicle with an examiner. And there aint nothing MORE complicated than a baby! Why in almost all societies is there zero preparation for future parents? Not that that would necessarily change deep-seated mentally unbalanced people... Certainly it'd be a political minefield topic, but wouldn't some kind of screening during preparation to have a baby be a way to let folks know... "Hey, um there're two or three things we noticed about your behavior that will probably be really destructive to any child you have... Are you really certain you wanna have kids?!?!"
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Papa Coco's Recovery Journ...
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 07:01:13 PM
This sounds like a really interesting new approach, Papa C.

Good luck with the calorie counting. Although, again, I do agree with dollyvee's thoughts about sustainability. I have personally found it motivating to be able to lose decent chunks of weight quite fast, but also have long experience of putting it all back on again (and then some) when I got bored of the diet, or life stress got in the way. Making new habits is what has worked for me in the long term, because habits do not rely on motivation. They are things you just do, like cleaning your teeth. That takes away guilt if you don't stick to plan. If you went to bed one night and forgot to clean your teeth, you would probably not say to yourself the next morning "Right. That's IT! I am a failure and I am never going to clean my teeth again." And yet it is so easy, after an ice cream binge, to treat it as a huge failure and a sign there is no point in trying to cut down on ice cream consumption. The psychology of all this stuff is so interesting, and tough to deal with. Your journal is not the place for me to get all evangelical about it, but know that I am very familiar with the struggle and feel free to reach out if you would like some ideas, or a pep talk, or whatever.

I'm reading a Gabor Mate book about addiction at the moment. "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts". You might find it interesting. It is slow going for me because it is an audio book I got on a trial subscription. I have discovered I do not get on well with audio books; they tend to send me to sleep if I am at all tired. Which I mostly am at the moment. So it is taking me a while but there is a lot of interesting content. Mate contended in another book of his (which led me to get this one) that there is no such thing as an addictive substance. That is based on the fact that not everybody who tries a substance will become addicted to it. Even the likes of heroin some people can take or leave. What is addictive is the feeling the drug provokes and those who need that feeling are far more likely to get hooked than those who just think "yeah, that was nice enough". That seems to resonate with your experience and observations of AA.
#4
Sexual Abuse / Re: Facing my offender
Last post by Papa Coco - Today at 06:05:00 PM
Tamtheham,

I'm with the others. My first thought is that we sometimes get into moods where we are drawn back into our abuse. I call it being comfortably uncomfortable with the demons that I know.

For me, I sometimes miss my abusers. I do that when I'm having emotional crisis's of my own. I get melancholy. I miss the past, even the bad parts of it. I find myself tempted to call my abusers. Get close to them again. Today is unnerving, so I reach back to the past to try and find an anchor from my past to settle me down today.

I would recommend giving yourself a few weeks to think about contacting this abuser. Give yourself time to process this desire to see if it's rational or if it's trauma trying to drag you back down into your past. Trauma likes to do that. I likes to make us stay in our pain.

Whatever you decide to do, you'll find support from the folks here. I hope that whatever you decide to do helps you move forward in your healing.
#5
Sexual Abuse / Re: Facing my offender
Last post by Armee - Today at 05:14:38 PM
Wise words already. If you expect anything if and when you send it you will likely be rehurt. If you send it and expect absolutely nothing but just want him to know what he did was wrong and harmful then maybe there is healing in speaking that bit of truth If you truly expect nothing back. But usually it hurts pretty bad. Start here and if you decide to send something we'll be here to support you thru it.

Sometimes I fall into this trap of thinking the people who harmed me didn't know it was harmful and if they only knew how damaging surely they wouldn't have done it. But no, anyone who would do what was done does not care of the harm they caused others and like someone else said will probably give them a sense of satisfaction and power to have that harm confirmed.

I'm sorry for what happened to you. I'm sorry your basic need for shelter and safety was abused and manipulated for someone else's pleasure. It does not matter that you were attracted to him. He prayed on a vulnerable child while he himself was an adult. Fully adult. It's wrong what he did. What you did was try to survive. What he did was use someone else's desperation and vulnerability to meet his desires. Wrong.
#6
Conferences/Courses / Free Parenting Series
Last post by Kizzie - Today at 04:00:27 PM
Here's a new series of three training sessions for parents of children from homes in which there has been domestic violence. Lovely to see this kind of early intervention for Developmental Trauma Disorder which leads to Complex PTSD if nothing is done to help children of ongoing complex trauma. 

The Foundation Trust is excited to invite community members to three free online training events on resilience and healing after domestic violence. The meetings will take place on Wednesday, May 1st , Wednesday, May 8th, and Wednesday, May 15th from 7-8pm each evening on zoom. Open to any survivors parenting elementary-aged children who have witnessed domestic violence. Registration is required. Please email info@maav.org to receive a zoom link or call 781-662-2010.

https://www.complextrauma.org/parenting-workshop-event-melrose-alliance-against-violence/
#7
General Discussion / Re: Grief: Angering out felt a...
Last post by Cascade - Today at 03:00:33 PM
Thanks, Kizzie.
Anger is a tough one.  I'm glad to hear of your progress!

Yeah, I figured there was a huge critic component to my experience.  It caught me off guard because I expect to "hear" the critic.  The bodily, visceral component of feeling like I was being abusive was very unexpected.  Thanks for letting me offload it here in this safe space.
   -Cascade
#8
Sleep Issues / Re: Dream work is exhausting (...
Last post by Cascade - Today at 02:51:40 PM
Lakelynn and Dolly,
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences and insights and resources.  Yes, it's definitely about feeling.  When I journal, I try to write about the feelings I have during the dreams.  It's working on that emotional level, but ugh... it just sucks.

Yes, Lakelynn, I definitely approach dreamwork as an opportunity to process and understand what I'm going through and feeling, so that is a good thing.

Dolly, I like your perspective that violence can be an opportunity for protective emotions.  I hadn't made that connection.

Last night's title was The Abandoned Infant.  Before I got out of bed, I talked soothing and comfortingly to my little one inside, letting her know I'm not abandoning her.

Thanks again for reading and adding your heartfelt replies.
   -Cascade
#9
Sleep Issues / Re: Dream work is exhausting (...
Last post by dollyvee - Today at 12:06:13 PM
Hi Cascade,

I feel, like you, that we process a lot of things in dreams. I also believe it's another, or can be, a very real consciousness. For example, Dream Yoga by Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche who teaches that really everything is a dream.

For me, I think violence in dreams relates to feelings/fears about protection and how we are/are not (were not) protected, and the violence isn't always physical violence, but that's what it feels like on some level. I have had dreams where I am being stalked with machine guns, or am having to fight/kill someone's family. These are usually when I'm dealing with men/relationships/intimacy which all feel very threatening to me on some level.

I agree with Lakelynn that it's hard to trust another's interpretation's of my dreams. However, surprisingly, I have  really good affinity with an online dream dictionary whose symbolism seems to fit with my dreams. So, I guess perhaps there is some universality to it.

I hope you are able to fiind some space with your dreams,
dolly
#10
Sleep Issues / Re: Dream work is exhausting (...
Last post by Lakelynn - Today at 11:10:32 AM
I agree Cascade,

Carrying dreams from the night into the day IS exhausting and hard, hard work. I think it's valuable and any effort you put into it will lead to greater understanding of yourself at this point in time.

I'd like to propose that any dream, whether violent or not, is a resource you can access and track all by yourself. No therapist needed. It doesn't hurt to discuss with others, but I've found the most accurate meanings are internal. There's always something another person didn't quite "get" about you and therefore trusting their interpretation wholeheartedly may lead to disappointment. I will also say, in 30 years of therapy, one therapeutic interpretation was relevant and led me to new growth.

There's many thoughts about dreamwork, including lucid dreaming. You might want to check that out. From my small experience in scientific sleep understanding, dreaming only occurs in REM sleep. Dreams may seem long, but in reality, they usually don't last more than a couple minutes. But the vivid emotional engagement distorts time and it's hard to know just how long a dream lasted.

I have nightmares, sleep paralysis and garden variety dreams in which time is in another dimension. Like you, deceased people are alive, I'm still working, after 12 years of retirement. As I understand it, the content of our dreams reflects our efforts to cope with current reality OR, if that's too much, gives us clues to our feelings about that reality. I spent 3 years of COVID dreaming "lost" dreams where I couldn't find my way to any familiarity whatsoever. That's stopped now, but felt very vulnerable at the time.