Recent posts
#1
Sexual Abuse / Loss of Sexual Identity After ...
Last post by GettingThere - Today at 09:38:10 AMTW: SA in adulthood and childhood, homophobia
I was sexually assaulted by two female romantic partners in adulthood after a childhood of being sexually assaulted by mostly men and one woman. When I was a teenager and realized I was a lesbian, I felt incredibly lucky because I thought this would protect me from ever being sexually assaulted by a partner. Then I was sexually assaulted by two female partners. I have always been and will always be a lesbian because I have only ever felt attraction towards women and still do. But I am too terrified to act on that attraction and never want to again. I don't derive any joy like I used to from even reading books or watching movies where two women fall in love or are intimate with each other.
I do not want to try to go back to how I was before because it is not possible. I have made my peace with that and I am not open to hearing people tell me I will recover what was lost. It has been years since the abuse ended and my fear and terror of seeing women be intimate with each other has been steadily increasing as the years go by, not decreasing. I am mourning the life that I could have had that was lost and it is a difficult mourning journey. In the last few months, it has reached the point where I cannot see a woman kiss another woman, even in a wholesome online video made a couple that is very much in love, without my brain deciding that the kiss is sexual assault, even though rationally I know it clearly isn't.
When I was a newly out teenager getting abused at home by my homophobic family, I would fantasize about the day that I would have a wife and children and my own home and finally be safe and happy. That is never going to happen now. It can't and I don't want it to. And that is extremely sad.
I was sexually assaulted by two female romantic partners in adulthood after a childhood of being sexually assaulted by mostly men and one woman. When I was a teenager and realized I was a lesbian, I felt incredibly lucky because I thought this would protect me from ever being sexually assaulted by a partner. Then I was sexually assaulted by two female partners. I have always been and will always be a lesbian because I have only ever felt attraction towards women and still do. But I am too terrified to act on that attraction and never want to again. I don't derive any joy like I used to from even reading books or watching movies where two women fall in love or are intimate with each other.
I do not want to try to go back to how I was before because it is not possible. I have made my peace with that and I am not open to hearing people tell me I will recover what was lost. It has been years since the abuse ended and my fear and terror of seeing women be intimate with each other has been steadily increasing as the years go by, not decreasing. I am mourning the life that I could have had that was lost and it is a difficult mourning journey. In the last few months, it has reached the point where I cannot see a woman kiss another woman, even in a wholesome online video made a couple that is very much in love, without my brain deciding that the kiss is sexual assault, even though rationally I know it clearly isn't.
When I was a newly out teenager getting abused at home by my homophobic family, I would fantasize about the day that I would have a wife and children and my own home and finally be safe and happy. That is never going to happen now. It can't and I don't want it to. And that is extremely sad.
#2
Other / Re: Our Healing Porch Part 8
Last post by Chart - Today at 09:09:54 AMI've staggered in after months of heavy work and affronting storms. The tempest of October has settled into a constant drizzle. I'm loading up the fireplace and bringing in a stock of wood to feed a roaring fire throughout the chilly wet morning. Later, if the sun comes out I'm gonna walk down the path to the lake. On my way back I'll take a tour of the garden.
Breathing is suspiciously magical of a sudden. I'm so glad to be here.
Breathing is suspiciously magical of a sudden. I'm so glad to be here.
#3
The Cafe / Re: Heart-warming (animals)
Last post by trying2c - Today at 05:28:18 AMhttps://youtube.com/shorts/yrlB6ezGnI0?si=5dMgAhNE05lMf4m_
The Maine Coon cats are so huge and very sweet 💕
The Maine Coon cats are so huge and very sweet 💕
#4
The Cafe / Re: Movie recommendations
Last post by trying2c - Today at 05:14:20 AMI do enjoy a classic sitcom episode every evening, before bedtime.. to lighten my mood a little. "Everybody Loves Raymond" is a huge favorite of mine. It always makes me giggle or smile!
On days where I have more time to watch something longer, it takes a while to think of something 🤔 😅
On days where I have more time to watch something longer, it takes a while to think of something 🤔 😅
#5
Letters of Recovery / Re: to the ones that raised me...
Last post by asdis - Today at 01:04:00 AMM-
I know you've told me a bit about my birth, but you've never really shared important details with me. I know I was a preemie. You've changed the story back and forth though, so I don't know by how much. It's between a month and a month and a half early. I know I put you in the hospital for a week or two before I was born but I still don't know why exactly. I know that I almost killed us both. I know that when I was born, I came out so fast that they couldn't even perform an emergency c-section. I know that my umbilical cord was wrapped three times around my neck. I don't know what position I was born in. I know that I was born extremely jaundiced and sick. I know that I couldn't breastfeed, and I couldn't have regular formula either. I think you said soy formula was the one I tolerated best. I don't remember how long you said we stayed after I was born. I think I remember you saying that you had to come visit me in the hospital, but I truly don't know. I remember you telling me that the only reason we stayed in the state you raised me in was because you were too pregnant to move back to your home state. I remember some varying stories about how planned/wanted I was, but the most common story you told me was that you really wanted a baby (me), but did not have plans for a baby when I was conceived. I don't remember how far along you told me you were before you figured out that you were pregnant. I know you've always drank, and D smoked until I was 7 or 8. I know D worked in construction and plumbing. I know you worked in the office for the same company. I know neither of you have ever really had your health in order. I know we lived in a townhouse in a not-great area before my birth and until I was 6-7 months old. I know the town we moved to, and the job you eventually moved to, had a lot of water and soil contamination. Your job site was declared, federally, contaminated and responsible for the contamination of water and soil by heavy metals and toxic substances in a large surrounding area for the small town it happened in. It is still contaminated. Those affected without town water did not receive town water until the end of 2020. I know even our town water was only "marginally safe" until my teen years, as we were often not allowed to use water fountains at school or drink tap water at all.
I have questions about my birth, about your pregnancy with me, about my health as a baby and small child. I don't know how to ask you though. You lost my medical records, you lost my birth certificate, my social security card. You limited my access to medical care and often did not take care of my medical needs. You denied me autism testing after being told by at least two different school psychologists that I was likely autistic, a conclusion they came to after I was tested far more than most of the other kids in my grade. I don't know how to talk to you about these things because, when I was a kid, the answers changed constantly. When I was a teenager, you only told me polished up, cutesy "kid friendly" versions of your pregnancy, my birth, and my early life. I haven't asked about any of it since applying for college all those years ago. That's when I found out that you didn't have any medical records for me from before 15, almost 16. We couldn't get them either, because either you didn't know what practices to contact or, the ones you did contact did not have my records anymore. Most of them were lost in the transition between majority paper and majority electronic keeping of records. It's hard not to believe that it was on purpose. It's harder to ask, knowing what I know now, because you have also kept my bloodtype from me and your genealogy results from me. I have memories from under a year old, confirmed by you, and I did not know I was under a year until you told me. The abuse I endured in that household, in the family, in my environment in general, adds to my feeling of not being able to ask you anything. I don't trust you to tell me the truth. I don't even trust you to tell me that you just don't know or remember something, or to be truthful if you do tell me you don't know or remember.
I want to ask you how far along you were before you knew you were pregnant. I want to ask you how much/often you drank before you knew and if you continued drinking after you knew. I want to ask you for all the details of complications before I was born. I want to know how on top of prenatal appointments you were. I want to know what happened to put you in the hospital so early before I was born, let alone due. I want to ask you about my actual birth, how long it took, how quickly I had to be treated for jaundice. I want to ask you how long before I was breathing after I was born, or was I born breathing despite a very restricted airway? I want to ask whether I almost killed you before or during my birth, and what you meant by that. I want to ask you how long we both stayed in the hospital after my birth, and if we left together or if you had to leave me there for longer. I want to ask you about the formula and if you ever introduced foods to me to check for allergies. I want to ask you about all the details of my health between birth and 6 months old, and what you meant when you told me that I was cleared as a "normal baby" at that age. I want to ask whether or not you ever told any of my very few doctors in childhood that I was a preemie with a traumatic birth. I want to ask you what you remember about my eating and sleeping habits when I was a little kid. I want to ask you about how you ignored my asthma, eczema, pain, and allergies as a kid when both you and D contributed genetically and environmentally to me developing those things. I want to ask you about the town I grew up in and the different public health safety issues that it had. I want to ask you a million other questions about these things. But I don't know how. Because it's never been safe, the story's never been the same, and you've never been willing to tell me the whole truth.
The answers to these questions could mean nothing , but they could also give me insight to my health problems today. They could give me more context to share with my doctors. They have the possibility of giving me more credibility with doctors because I would finally have an actual, accurate health history with smaller date ranges and possibly better wording. But they could also mean nothing.
If I trusted you enough to ask, there's still the possibility that you just don't know or remember anything that I don't. That would crush me, not as much as the current situation does, but it would. If I worked up the courage to ask you and you just didn't know or remember or want to tell me, that would crush me more than the current situation does. I'm scared for my health. I keep hitting dead ends and waiting periods in limbo. I don't have the right words to make most doctors understand what I experience. I don't have a medical history to show them, I have to be very careful about disclosing my mental health history and status. I can't tell them that I'm autistic because you never got me officially tested, but no less than seven professionals in the field have urged me to get a full, proper evaluation because I show the signs and I clearly need support. I have been tested by these professionals with several different versions of autism screening tests and my results have been consistent across all of them. I can't get tested, though, because I don't have records or family or community members that could back me up on the signs/symptoms from childhood. I have little to no proof of anything important about my health from before this year. I can't tell my doctors (or you) that I have DID because it is already a struggle to be believed. I have to be careful about how I explain my lack of a medical history. On top of trying to accurately describe my symptoms and issues, I have to manage all of that as well. It's exhausting. All I want is to be able to ask my M about all of these complicated things but I can't. Because it's you.
I know you've told me a bit about my birth, but you've never really shared important details with me. I know I was a preemie. You've changed the story back and forth though, so I don't know by how much. It's between a month and a month and a half early. I know I put you in the hospital for a week or two before I was born but I still don't know why exactly. I know that I almost killed us both. I know that when I was born, I came out so fast that they couldn't even perform an emergency c-section. I know that my umbilical cord was wrapped three times around my neck. I don't know what position I was born in. I know that I was born extremely jaundiced and sick. I know that I couldn't breastfeed, and I couldn't have regular formula either. I think you said soy formula was the one I tolerated best. I don't remember how long you said we stayed after I was born. I think I remember you saying that you had to come visit me in the hospital, but I truly don't know. I remember you telling me that the only reason we stayed in the state you raised me in was because you were too pregnant to move back to your home state. I remember some varying stories about how planned/wanted I was, but the most common story you told me was that you really wanted a baby (me), but did not have plans for a baby when I was conceived. I don't remember how far along you told me you were before you figured out that you were pregnant. I know you've always drank, and D smoked until I was 7 or 8. I know D worked in construction and plumbing. I know you worked in the office for the same company. I know neither of you have ever really had your health in order. I know we lived in a townhouse in a not-great area before my birth and until I was 6-7 months old. I know the town we moved to, and the job you eventually moved to, had a lot of water and soil contamination. Your job site was declared, federally, contaminated and responsible for the contamination of water and soil by heavy metals and toxic substances in a large surrounding area for the small town it happened in. It is still contaminated. Those affected without town water did not receive town water until the end of 2020. I know even our town water was only "marginally safe" until my teen years, as we were often not allowed to use water fountains at school or drink tap water at all.
I have questions about my birth, about your pregnancy with me, about my health as a baby and small child. I don't know how to ask you though. You lost my medical records, you lost my birth certificate, my social security card. You limited my access to medical care and often did not take care of my medical needs. You denied me autism testing after being told by at least two different school psychologists that I was likely autistic, a conclusion they came to after I was tested far more than most of the other kids in my grade. I don't know how to talk to you about these things because, when I was a kid, the answers changed constantly. When I was a teenager, you only told me polished up, cutesy "kid friendly" versions of your pregnancy, my birth, and my early life. I haven't asked about any of it since applying for college all those years ago. That's when I found out that you didn't have any medical records for me from before 15, almost 16. We couldn't get them either, because either you didn't know what practices to contact or, the ones you did contact did not have my records anymore. Most of them were lost in the transition between majority paper and majority electronic keeping of records. It's hard not to believe that it was on purpose. It's harder to ask, knowing what I know now, because you have also kept my bloodtype from me and your genealogy results from me. I have memories from under a year old, confirmed by you, and I did not know I was under a year until you told me. The abuse I endured in that household, in the family, in my environment in general, adds to my feeling of not being able to ask you anything. I don't trust you to tell me the truth. I don't even trust you to tell me that you just don't know or remember something, or to be truthful if you do tell me you don't know or remember.
I want to ask you how far along you were before you knew you were pregnant. I want to ask you how much/often you drank before you knew and if you continued drinking after you knew. I want to ask you for all the details of complications before I was born. I want to know how on top of prenatal appointments you were. I want to know what happened to put you in the hospital so early before I was born, let alone due. I want to ask you about my actual birth, how long it took, how quickly I had to be treated for jaundice. I want to ask you how long before I was breathing after I was born, or was I born breathing despite a very restricted airway? I want to ask whether I almost killed you before or during my birth, and what you meant by that. I want to ask you how long we both stayed in the hospital after my birth, and if we left together or if you had to leave me there for longer. I want to ask you about the formula and if you ever introduced foods to me to check for allergies. I want to ask you about all the details of my health between birth and 6 months old, and what you meant when you told me that I was cleared as a "normal baby" at that age. I want to ask whether or not you ever told any of my very few doctors in childhood that I was a preemie with a traumatic birth. I want to ask you what you remember about my eating and sleeping habits when I was a little kid. I want to ask you about how you ignored my asthma, eczema, pain, and allergies as a kid when both you and D contributed genetically and environmentally to me developing those things. I want to ask you about the town I grew up in and the different public health safety issues that it had. I want to ask you a million other questions about these things. But I don't know how. Because it's never been safe, the story's never been the same, and you've never been willing to tell me the whole truth.
The answers to these questions could mean nothing , but they could also give me insight to my health problems today. They could give me more context to share with my doctors. They have the possibility of giving me more credibility with doctors because I would finally have an actual, accurate health history with smaller date ranges and possibly better wording. But they could also mean nothing.
If I trusted you enough to ask, there's still the possibility that you just don't know or remember anything that I don't. That would crush me, not as much as the current situation does, but it would. If I worked up the courage to ask you and you just didn't know or remember or want to tell me, that would crush me more than the current situation does. I'm scared for my health. I keep hitting dead ends and waiting periods in limbo. I don't have the right words to make most doctors understand what I experience. I don't have a medical history to show them, I have to be very careful about disclosing my mental health history and status. I can't tell them that I'm autistic because you never got me officially tested, but no less than seven professionals in the field have urged me to get a full, proper evaluation because I show the signs and I clearly need support. I have been tested by these professionals with several different versions of autism screening tests and my results have been consistent across all of them. I can't get tested, though, because I don't have records or family or community members that could back me up on the signs/symptoms from childhood. I have little to no proof of anything important about my health from before this year. I can't tell my doctors (or you) that I have DID because it is already a struggle to be believed. I have to be careful about how I explain my lack of a medical history. On top of trying to accurately describe my symptoms and issues, I have to manage all of that as well. It's exhausting. All I want is to be able to ask my M about all of these complicated things but I can't. Because it's you.
#6
Music / A band that speaks to me
Last post by LadyBoar - November 07, 2025, 06:35:00 PMI don't know if there are any metal/rock fans in this group.
But I have been listening to a progressive metal band called Leprous (the name is very misleading btw). And their lyrics and vocals speaks to me in a level I haven't experienced in a long time.
Here are two of their less metal/more calm songs which lyrics I adore.
Leprous - "On hold"
Leprous - "Alleviate"
But I have been listening to a progressive metal band called Leprous (the name is very misleading btw). And their lyrics and vocals speaks to me in a level I haven't experienced in a long time.
Here are two of their less metal/more calm songs which lyrics I adore.
Leprous - "On hold"
Leprous - "Alleviate"
#7
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Outside my own head
Last post by LadyBoar - November 07, 2025, 06:20:40 PMQuote from: Recovery68 on November 06, 2025, 09:15:04 PMI am finding my way through it by no longer viewing myself as someone who is healing or needs to be healed. I do not need fixing just more self-love and acceptance... more clarity and attunement.
Beth, I think you might be onto something here! I have always looked into healing myself, improving myself, fixing myself...but I was not the problem...
In my last therapy session I said I didn't like the person I am when I'm in contact with my family, but I do like who I am now, away from them. Maybe my next steps are to cultivate more self compassion.
You gave me quite a bit to think about! Thanks you Beth!
#8
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Outside my own head
Last post by LadyBoar - November 07, 2025, 06:13:50 PMQuote from: Kizzie on November 04, 2025, 06:49:18 PMHi and a warm welcome LadyBoar!
Hi Kizzie. Thank you for your message! It's nice to think I may have found a place I might belong. <3
#9
NSC - Negative Self-Concept / Re: The line between self care...
Last post by Kizzie - November 07, 2025, 05:28:34 PMQuote from: EB on November 06, 2025, 10:23:36 PMSometimes I will ask how I'd treat someone else then use that as direction for how to treat myself.
I like what EB wrote. I just attended a talk yesterday by Dr. Judith Herman (was the first clinician to identify CPTSD) and she said exactly this. Imagine what you would say to someone who has been through what you have and then do your level best to grasp that it's your story and deserving of the same compassion and validation you would give others.
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by StartingHealing - November 07, 2025, 03:11:06 PMHi San!
As far as the TV thing goes, there are YT vids on certain aspects that you can control in the TV settings. Some folks get a raspberry pi device and route all traffic through it and use it as an adblock and to block data from leaving for the entire home network. That is something that I'm considering as well. My thing is why do I need to go through all this BS just for basic privacy? Or take the back off a new TV and physically disconnect things like mics / etc? I'm seriously considering finding a dumb tv and then maybe go with a external device that I can unplug when I'm not using it.
My next mobile is going to be either a de-googled or a Linux based phone if I go the smart route. I saw one that has physical switches that physically disconnects mics, cameras, GPS, mobile / wifi, I'm honestly considering going to the old school flip phone. Something that I can make calls and limited texts with. No maps, no email, nothing like that. Plus something that has a replaceable battery so I can step outside the forced "upgrade" cycle of 3 / 4 years because the battery failed.
As far as the social media thing goes. I'm not going to get back on it. I'm keeping X for now, leaving the option open to pull the plug on that as well. Thing that gets me twisted is that the engineered "construct" of social media has been mistaken for something real when the reality is far far from that. Same with the so called dating apps. In both cases the "construct" doesn't align with reality. The illusion of human connection, of abundance, when it's all fecal matter. And at the same time, these platforms manipulate humans into the mess that currently exists at the moment. The map has been mistaken for the territory in my opinion.
The lost opportunities are small businesses that I poured into, trying to escape the dependency of working for a company that if I died there, would replace me without giving a rats behind. I was trying to build something. That wasn't "good" enough for the former spouse. Instead of throwing in and assisting me, she destroyed them. Complaining all the while about the $$$$ that I wasn't bringing in while she sat and didn't contribute anything. Honestly, I'm glad that they didn't get more traction than they did. May be petty on my end, but if one of the several had really taken off, she would have gotten even a bigger payout for being a toxic, miserable wench that is ultimately nothing more than a parasite living off others money.
I've put some things together and I feel I have a reasonable handle on her experience that she does now. She lost the paid off car, there are indications that there was some financial fraud, I mean how does a person rack up 25K in credit card debt in 5 months? Not to mention 3 different asset recovery agencies looking for her? I don't know if she did bankruptcy or not. I could sus that out since it's public record. I don't because I have no F's left. She lives on not much $ most being provided via social safety nets. She did things to ensure that she maintained the victim status that I believe is one of her primary drivers. I've known folks that have lived that way and it's not a "good" life. Freedom comes with responsibilities and when the responsibilities are dropped, then the freedom level goes down at the same time.
Soooooooo, yeah, the anger is there. I know that she's reaping the results of her own actions. At the same time, I know enough about enough that I could take action that would compound those results. I don't though. What's the point? Perhaps in the future I'll consult with a law dog about getting the lifetime alimony order modified into something that isn't so onerous for me. Or perhaps I'll go Galt. Legally of course. At the same time, the investment for that, yeesh. time, money, stress, etc. And at the moment I don't know if it can be done.
All I want is to be left alone, to live my life, without being some sort of carbon based revenue unit for all these structures that somehow have convinced us free range humans to submit to?
I got to go. Appliance repair person is coming shortly. That is a tale for another time.
Wishing all here all the best
As far as the TV thing goes, there are YT vids on certain aspects that you can control in the TV settings. Some folks get a raspberry pi device and route all traffic through it and use it as an adblock and to block data from leaving for the entire home network. That is something that I'm considering as well. My thing is why do I need to go through all this BS just for basic privacy? Or take the back off a new TV and physically disconnect things like mics / etc? I'm seriously considering finding a dumb tv and then maybe go with a external device that I can unplug when I'm not using it.
My next mobile is going to be either a de-googled or a Linux based phone if I go the smart route. I saw one that has physical switches that physically disconnects mics, cameras, GPS, mobile / wifi, I'm honestly considering going to the old school flip phone. Something that I can make calls and limited texts with. No maps, no email, nothing like that. Plus something that has a replaceable battery so I can step outside the forced "upgrade" cycle of 3 / 4 years because the battery failed.
As far as the social media thing goes. I'm not going to get back on it. I'm keeping X for now, leaving the option open to pull the plug on that as well. Thing that gets me twisted is that the engineered "construct" of social media has been mistaken for something real when the reality is far far from that. Same with the so called dating apps. In both cases the "construct" doesn't align with reality. The illusion of human connection, of abundance, when it's all fecal matter. And at the same time, these platforms manipulate humans into the mess that currently exists at the moment. The map has been mistaken for the territory in my opinion.
The lost opportunities are small businesses that I poured into, trying to escape the dependency of working for a company that if I died there, would replace me without giving a rats behind. I was trying to build something. That wasn't "good" enough for the former spouse. Instead of throwing in and assisting me, she destroyed them. Complaining all the while about the $$$$ that I wasn't bringing in while she sat and didn't contribute anything. Honestly, I'm glad that they didn't get more traction than they did. May be petty on my end, but if one of the several had really taken off, she would have gotten even a bigger payout for being a toxic, miserable wench that is ultimately nothing more than a parasite living off others money.
I've put some things together and I feel I have a reasonable handle on her experience that she does now. She lost the paid off car, there are indications that there was some financial fraud, I mean how does a person rack up 25K in credit card debt in 5 months? Not to mention 3 different asset recovery agencies looking for her? I don't know if she did bankruptcy or not. I could sus that out since it's public record. I don't because I have no F's left. She lives on not much $ most being provided via social safety nets. She did things to ensure that she maintained the victim status that I believe is one of her primary drivers. I've known folks that have lived that way and it's not a "good" life. Freedom comes with responsibilities and when the responsibilities are dropped, then the freedom level goes down at the same time.
Soooooooo, yeah, the anger is there. I know that she's reaping the results of her own actions. At the same time, I know enough about enough that I could take action that would compound those results. I don't though. What's the point? Perhaps in the future I'll consult with a law dog about getting the lifetime alimony order modified into something that isn't so onerous for me. Or perhaps I'll go Galt. Legally of course. At the same time, the investment for that, yeesh. time, money, stress, etc. And at the moment I don't know if it can be done.
All I want is to be left alone, to live my life, without being some sort of carbon based revenue unit for all these structures that somehow have convinced us free range humans to submit to?
I got to go. Appliance repair person is coming shortly. That is a tale for another time.
Wishing all here all the best