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I like TR's idea of maybe not going straight home and giving yourself some me time before you do. Sounds like a positive thing to do for yourself, to take a breath after what can be an emotional time.

The other thing I thought of was maybe you could talk with your family about how coming home to a mess makes you feel (which I don't think is particularly OCD by the way, who likes coming home to that?), and enlist their help to be tidier? If the family makes a mess, the family should clean it up  ;D
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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's new journal
« Last post by Deep Blue on Today at 05:25:18 PM »
Thanks for sharing so honestly here Sceal.

I avoid too.  I think many of us here do. 

Iím sorry your day was so up and down.  Also, I practice saying things outload too.  And you know what? Iím not even embarrassed about it! I think itís a good way to sort through my emotions.

Sorry about your roomie not being respectful of your quiet time.  I find that time so valuable.  I think itís so important to have that time so we can recharge and sort stuff out.

As always I send you love and support darling  :hug:
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Hmmm... It occurs to me that I sometimes feel that way too, having to tidy up immediately. I am by no means OCD tho, I believe you can have some traits without the diagnosis. There are other little things that must be just-so in order it me to feel comfortable but it doesn't interfere with my life.

There are other reasons besides OCD why you may feel the absolute necessity to clean before you are ready to care for yourself; for example, if you've ever experienced anger from someone for messes, it could be that messes trigger you into an EF.

I agree, tho, that care of yourself is more important than a clean house. It's like putting on your air mask first in case of an emergency in flight; by caring for ourselves first, we can "be there" more for the little things that are important to us. Maybe don't go in to your home right away after therapy - treat yourself to a cup of coffee or tea, visit the library, or sit at a park somewhere to let things from the therapy session sort of gel within you before it gets buried and you get on with your day. Just an idea.  :Idunno:

Best wishes to you in this!  :hug:
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 :'( hope you find it, dear.
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I came out of therapy feeling quite good today. Quite a number of things cleared up. But then I discovered that in my 3 hour absence my bike was stolen from the train station.  :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: I do have a spare one but I haven't ridden it for a while and it isn't geared up for winter at all.

Plans for tomorrow scuppered. Need to ride around town on the spare seeing if anybody has dumped it in the river or the bushes. People do that - grab a bike to get somewhere and then just dump it, or dump it when they discover it's not as good as they thought. I have some new parts on it but chain and all that kind of thing is in severe need of maintenance. Well, at least I hadn't got round to that yet. That money is still saved (not spent).
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I am still coming to terms with the fact that I suffer from C-PTSD.  I've been living with this for so many years and thought I was "normal."  I definitely minimize the abuse I've suffered and sometimes fear I'm just a weak person and have nothing else really wrong with me. 

But yesterday I came out of therapy feeling like I'm all messed up.  :(  The past couple of weeks have been really difficult for me and I've been feeling really depressed and hopeless.  My financial worries and difficulties with my blended family sent me into a negative spiral.  I've never been treated long term for depression before, but now it's dawning on me that I probably have been suffering from it most of my life.  The tools I've been learning in therapy for anxiety have been helping, but the way I was feeling the last couple of weeks was very frightening. 

When I walked in the door, my therapist could tell immediately I was down in the dumps.  We talked a bit about how I was managing my feelings and she noted some of the positive changes I've been able to make and I mentioned how proud and happy I was that I had made some changes.  She then noted that I although I was saying I was "happy", "happy" was not reflecting in my voice.  I recall in the past I had a couple of people note that I have a "flat affect".  I googled and of course Dr. Google now has me feeling like I'm a very, very ill person.

Then we started talking about how I often feel anxious about going home because a lot of times I will go home and the house will be all in chaos (husband and teenage mess).  My therapist didn't seem to get why that made me feel anxious and I told her I can't feel at peace when the house looks like a warzone and I feel like I have to clean it up right then.  She suggested I needed to take a few moments for myself to decompress before going into my nightly duties and I told her that no, I really need to make sure I start dinner for my kids and make sure the house is in order first. 

So what if it's messy for a while, she asks?  Because if I don't do it right then it's all going to pile up and be that much harder, I say.  Is getting the house in order more important than taking care of yourself first, she asks?  I think about it and yes, I feel that I can't relax until the house is in order, not even for the 5 minute time out she suggested I take upon going home. 

My therapist said she was very concerned about my need to make sure my house is orderly. (!).  I'm not even a clean freak I just need a certain level of order and certain things to be just so.  I was pretty surprised that she was so concerned about this and thought that this was reasonable. 

So now it sounds to me that I also have some OCD mixed in with the C-PTSD, depression and anxiety.  Even if it's all mild stuff, it just sounds like a lot to deal with. 
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Recovery Journals / Re: Sceal's new journal
« Last post by Sceal on Today at 03:30:00 PM »
Dear San:
We've had this conversation up before, Lady L and I. I am not sure I quite fully understood her question back then either. Or at least I didn't put it into context of getting myself into unfortunate situations. She didn't want to let me go, she was a little worried to let me leave, but she had another patient to see after me.

I understand that the first relationship that lasted for so many years was where my mind got so confused, so manipulated and groomed slowly over time that I had no capacity to understand that what was happening was not okay. But the next time, which was a "one night stand", I should have been able to avoided. I should have gone to the hotel management and get the man out of my room rather than go in. But I didn't, I was too afraid to be scolded by the hotel staff that I had a guest in my room. How f* isn't that? Now that I think about that nearly 10 years later. Should I not accept my actions in that situation? Wasn't that my fault? I could have so easily avoided it.

Dear Deep Blue: I hope you're right.

Dear Wattlebird: I am not sure I dare to ask her face-to-face, I think I will send her an e-mail today. And hopefully she's around tomorrow and will see me when I come to the centre to spend a few hours there and can take me aside to answer.

Thank you all for reading, commenting, for caring and just being here for me.  :hug:


The Bad Stuff
Yesterday was hard too. Another day where I woke up feeling like "what's the point?". I am still struggling with that today, because what is the point?
I wake up, I get somewhat dressed - mostly meaning I put on socks and some tights since I'm already wearing a nightshirt. Make breakfast and sit by the computer for the rest of the day. Except for the times I have appointments outside the home. Or when I get so restless or frustrated at the mess that I start cleaning. (which is every day). There's no point to it. I don't enjoy life, I don't take it by the horns and make the most out of it. I have had so much free time the past year, I could have done so much more with my time. I mean, anything. Not filling it all up, because that would just make me crash and burn, I've learnt that lesson. But ANYTHING.... Yet... I don't.

And then I try to remind myself: "But Sceal, the goal this past year was to prioritize your health. Everything else came after." And I have prioritized my health, I've worked hard on that, I wont say otherwise. At times I haven't worked at all, by all means. I'll admit that. Like lately. I have been lazy, worn out, not interessted, distanced from myself.  Despite all of it, it doesn't feel like it is enough. And while I'm writing this, I can hear Lady T and Lady L asking me "Enough for who?", and the answer is... I'm not sure. I'm not sure who it has to be enough for. Is it my parents? Is it to show them I am not a failure, there is still hope that I can build up a life they can be proud that they had me, fed me, raised me and have financially supported me? or is it society, to show them I am not only a burden on the wellfare system. I am willing to work and pay my taxes and contribute to everyone's wellfare and I don't know, generally contribute and be of use.  Maybe it is my friends, so they can be proud they chose to stay by me. Or is it the alient concept that it is to be enough for me?

I had my session with Lady T yesterday. Before then I was restless, stressed, unfocused. I was walking around in circles at home. I ended up going to a friends place for coffee beforehand, was a few hard conversations with him. It usually is, but I think it has done me the world of good. Perhaps I should make him a christmas card too to say thank you for all the wonderful talks we've had and how he has pushed me on topics I wouldn't ordinarily talk about. When I got to the office of Lady T I started pacing back and forth, I was so much at unease. No matter how much I've wanted to pace before, I never did. I was sick every few minutes. And I'm not really quite sure why. Why now? I suspect it is because of my increased hypervigilance and because of my conversation at the SA support centre with Lady L the day before. And the vulnerability that came forward due to that.  I told Lady T about the hypervigilance, I intended to suggest that or the topic of self-worth. But never got that far, because I was so skittish and for unease. I needed the curtains closed despite being in the second floor, and you can't really see who's sitting on the sofa from below (I've checked). She wasn't happy with my increased avoidance and she said as much. I said in frustration that it's not like I can do exposure therapy for this. I can't go practice getting closer and closer to Her and Him and practice blowing them off without escalating a dangerous conflict. How am I supposed to do that? I told her I have practiced saying things out loud by my self when I want to say things to non-threatening people before, and it doesn't help. I still can't do it. She asked for example with who I meant. And I told her that I meant her. And she got super curious and started laughing, and wanted to know like what stuff. And I got flustered and incredible embarrased, but it lightened the mood for me somewhat. And at the end of the session I felt better. I needed the break that she gave me, a room of safety. Even if the conversation was uncomfortable and I wasn't quite willing. It was still good for me. She also said she had sent the written answer to me by post. the one I had asked of her a few weeks back when she said she was starting a new job and I thought I was loosing her. She also said "I am not sure if it is the answer you were looking for" Which made me both curious and scared.

The letter arrived today, and it wasn't as scary as I feared. She had written alot about the positive things that I have done the last 1.5 year, and even if I haven't achieved the goals we had set at the beginning when I met her, it was alot of good words. She also put in writing she believes that per date I got 20-30% workload ability. It's not alot, and I suspect that was what she was refering to. That wasn't what I was looking for. She also gave me some concrete tips on what to do to increase my workload ability at the gallery I'm starting at in less than a month. To which I had to laugh a little, because she knows me far too well. Pointed out that it would be smart to lower my expectations and to ease into it, and praise myself for even getting there the days I get there, instead of being frustrated and use energy on lack of production. Ended with her saying we should focus on working on my big tendency for avoidance. It's not my favourite thing, obviously, since I tend to avoid working on that too. Hah! But I couldn't help to notice that she avoided answering my question in regards to future progression and thoughts about whether I can be "healed".

Today started off really poorly. Roomie had sat his alarm at 06. I was so pissed! First of all he woke me up too, but most of all because he has stolen my mornings. I have literally NO alonetime anymore, except when he's at work. And he usually works more and more daytime now, and I'm often busy during the days. So I have NO rest at home. I cannot tell you how pissed off this is making me. both yesterday and today I just lay in bed for HOURS to be alone. It was boring, but then I wouldn't have to be in the same room as him. This morning when I got up I slammed the door and put my things on speaker rather than headphones. I felt so disrespected, and if he's going to keep disrespecting me I'll do the same. I'm fully aware that this will lead to a war at home. But he KNOWS that I need alone time, this is NOTHING new. He knew before he moved in with me 7 years ago! Nothing has changed in that department, and it never will. You don't suddenly wake up one day and your brain chemistry have changed from being an introvert to an extrovert and suddenly needing all the social contact! Sigh. Hopefully this is just another phase and that it'll change again soon back to more normal. And even more, I hope this co-living situation is coming to an end within the next 2 years. He is amazing on many areas, and he should be allowed to wake up however early he wants. I shouldn't dictate that at all. It's not my place. I just wish he could understand the need I have to be allowed to feel like this is my home too, a safe haven for me too. Not just for him.

But it's better now, I managed to finish Christmas presents, and I got a walk in the sun on a forest trail. It wasn't as long as I intended, but it was lovely walking the short bit I did before my legs hurt too much. This has been a very long post, I should wrap it up here I think.
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Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal
« Last post by Wattlebird on Today at 11:04:03 AM »
Thanks San and 3r
I apologised to my d2 for the sarcastic message and explained why I was angry, I also changed my credit card so it won't happen again.
I don't think she comprehended that she was in any way at fault for what she did or said, but I'm not going to argue over it, I'm just setting firm boundaries with her, she is very manipulative and guilts me into a lot of stuff but I am going to try and be strong with boundaries while still being loving and supportive and respectful. The rest is up to her.
On a related topic I've been trying to understand a bit more about why I have this need to keep people happy or please them and also I've noticed, not to let anyone worry about me. If I think someone is worrying about me I feel tremendous guilt, I know my t was worried about me before she left on holidays and I've been so tempted to send her a message that I am fine, why this need to reassure people when really I'm not fine at all. Something to ponder.
I just watched 2 old favourite movies, from my early teens it was fun.
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(I do have cptsd but at least I'm working on myself and admit to it!!).
Exactly, something that takes a lot of courage too
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