Recent posts
#1
General Discussion / Re: Writing about the trauma: ...
Last post by Kizzie - Today at 05:36:26 PMQuote from: Saluki on Today at 01:57:49 PMEven well meaning people say things like "it happened a long time ago, why don't you get over it? It was the abuser's fault then but now it's your fault now for not taking control of your own life".
In 2016 I was having my knee replaced and the anaesthesiologist (had to see him before surgery) asked about CPTSD on my form. I told him what it is and he asked "Isn't that something you could have left in your childhood?" In other words, "Why haven't you gotten over it?" just as you suggested. I didn't get angry (he was afterall going to be poking me with a needle), but did my best to explain and left it with him. Let's hope somewhere along the way he did look into it or was offered some professional development about trauma.
I do think things are getting better and that we here at OOTS are helping with that. Check out the healthcare guide we came up with - https://www.outofthestorm.website/healthcare-project. We also have the book we put together that will be available to one and all once it's published. And if you Google complex trauma and/or CPTSD a LOT will pop up that for me indicates we're going in the right direction now. That wasn't so much the case 11 years ago when OOTS was just new. I also know there is more and more research being done to make treatment more effective and available so better times are on the horizon. All of which is to say, I hope this gives you hope that things will get better for us in terms of understanding, treatment, services and support.
#2
Podcasts, Videos & Documentaries / Re: Attachment Focused EMDR - ...
Last post by Marcine - Today at 02:16:42 PMHi Hope,
Thank you for sharing that resource.
Her emphasis on creating a safety net of trust first and foremost was reassuring to hear.
It was fascinating to hear about other cultures' ancient bilateral healing practices. And sad that CBT is being promoted in places as "more evolved" than somatic understanding.
Thank you for sharing that resource.
Her emphasis on creating a safety net of trust first and foremost was reassuring to hear.
It was fascinating to hear about other cultures' ancient bilateral healing practices. And sad that CBT is being promoted in places as "more evolved" than somatic understanding.
#3
General Discussion / Re: Writing about the trauma: ...
Last post by Saluki - Today at 01:57:49 PMThank you so much for your insight, Kizzie. Yes, you're right. It does come from a place of not understanding, doesn't it? I wonder why the person who stormed off the zoom call registered in the first place, if they didn't put the work in to first understand the research.
I think some of the people who write horrible things are aware that they've been complicit in abuse or have directly abused someone, so they're either defensive or just being their abusive selves. What they write says more about them than it does about us. Thanks so much Kizzie, it's part of my recovery to become resilient and the ability to decide not to even read horrible comments for example is important. I used to spend a lot of time doom scrolling and reporting abusive comments and whilst that's maybe helpful in a tiny way, it wasn't helpful to me to be reading all that stuff.
Even well meaning people say things like "it happened a long time ago, why don't you get over it? It was the abuser's fault then but now it's your fault now for not taking control of your own life".
It's very frustrating for me to be stuck, desperately waiting to be able to do stuff but putting it off because I'm scared, or because I'm permanently exhausted. I don't want trauma to ruin my life going forward- because I survived, I'm physically safe now. I want to be strong now and it's so frustrating that I can't magically feel strong and alert and energetic (quite the opposite actually).
Maybe I'll start compiling stuff I've already written and go from there. I have all the time in the world to procrastinate. Which is something I desperately need to learn to overcome.
I think some of the people who write horrible things are aware that they've been complicit in abuse or have directly abused someone, so they're either defensive or just being their abusive selves. What they write says more about them than it does about us. Thanks so much Kizzie, it's part of my recovery to become resilient and the ability to decide not to even read horrible comments for example is important. I used to spend a lot of time doom scrolling and reporting abusive comments and whilst that's maybe helpful in a tiny way, it wasn't helpful to me to be reading all that stuff.
Even well meaning people say things like "it happened a long time ago, why don't you get over it? It was the abuser's fault then but now it's your fault now for not taking control of your own life".
It's very frustrating for me to be stuck, desperately waiting to be able to do stuff but putting it off because I'm scared, or because I'm permanently exhausted. I don't want trauma to ruin my life going forward- because I survived, I'm physically safe now. I want to be strong now and it's so frustrating that I can't magically feel strong and alert and energetic (quite the opposite actually).
Maybe I'll start compiling stuff I've already written and go from there. I have all the time in the world to procrastinate. Which is something I desperately need to learn to overcome.
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Marcine’s journaling forwa...
Last post by Marcine - Today at 01:38:39 PMThe headache comes again and this time I take it as a call to slow and stop.
I breathe a few deep sighs. Doesn't make the pain go away. But it will get worse if I keep tense and running.
Uncurling, unflinching, not-fleeing...
Terrifyingly vulnerable, exposed, out in the open, been spotted, deep urge to bolt. Feels like life or death.
Heart beat pulsing, throbbing.
I am not a small rabbit or any kind of prey... anymore.
There are no hawks or predators watching me... anymore.
But lately I have been more exposed as I engage more with the world. And it doesn't feel great.
Recently I was a substitute teacher at a local school that had installed an AI security system that scans every car license plate/make/model/color upon entry and exit from the campus doing a back ground check on the owner, also scanning all faces on the campus (adults and children), is linked to an extensive network of cameras monitoring staff and student movements, and public schools are exempt here from requirements to disclose publicly that biometric data is being collected.(!)
I learned all this the day I was on campus from a fellow teacher.
The feelings of being monitored and the secretive data collecting in the name of "protecting the students from predators" is all extremely disturbing to me.
This is not a big city school with history of campus violence. It is a small school in a relatively safe, quiet corner of the world.
Yesterday I was out at a kid event at the library with my son, his friend, and his mom. Then went to a local sports game.
It was a lot for me in this state of feeling exposed. I don't really enjoy being around crowds and loud noises.
Ok, wait, let me rephrase more accurately—
I abhor being in crowds.
I am deeply unwilling to "play along to get along".
The fact that I used to contort myself to fit social situations... well, I don't have to continue to do that.
It's true— I am becoming a morally-upstanding social menace.
And I don't mind it one bit.
Huh and what do ya know, the headache has subsided just a tad now.
Well then.
I breathe a few deep sighs. Doesn't make the pain go away. But it will get worse if I keep tense and running.
Uncurling, unflinching, not-fleeing...
Terrifyingly vulnerable, exposed, out in the open, been spotted, deep urge to bolt. Feels like life or death.
Heart beat pulsing, throbbing.
I am not a small rabbit or any kind of prey... anymore.
There are no hawks or predators watching me... anymore.
But lately I have been more exposed as I engage more with the world. And it doesn't feel great.
Recently I was a substitute teacher at a local school that had installed an AI security system that scans every car license plate/make/model/color upon entry and exit from the campus doing a back ground check on the owner, also scanning all faces on the campus (adults and children), is linked to an extensive network of cameras monitoring staff and student movements, and public schools are exempt here from requirements to disclose publicly that biometric data is being collected.(!)
I learned all this the day I was on campus from a fellow teacher.
The feelings of being monitored and the secretive data collecting in the name of "protecting the students from predators" is all extremely disturbing to me.
This is not a big city school with history of campus violence. It is a small school in a relatively safe, quiet corner of the world.
Yesterday I was out at a kid event at the library with my son, his friend, and his mom. Then went to a local sports game.
It was a lot for me in this state of feeling exposed. I don't really enjoy being around crowds and loud noises.
Ok, wait, let me rephrase more accurately—
I abhor being in crowds.
I am deeply unwilling to "play along to get along".
The fact that I used to contort myself to fit social situations... well, I don't have to continue to do that.
It's true— I am becoming a morally-upstanding social menace.
And I don't mind it one bit.
Huh and what do ya know, the headache has subsided just a tad now.
Well then.
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 01:11:18 PMI'm sorry you had that experience with the neighbour in the garden. I do very much admire your self-awareness in saying you lightly fawned your way through it. I will often lean on old coping mechanisms in that way - but I think there is actually nothing wrong with that if you are aware of them (at the time or when thinking about it afterwards) and can see that they were used reasonably and with purpose. I mean, as an adult with agency (as my T likes to say), you could have told him very rudely to 
but that would probably not enhance community relations.
but that would probably not enhance community relations. #6
Recovery Journals / Re: My journey so far
Last post by dollyvee - Today at 11:58:58 AMSending you support for your holiday L2N 
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by dollyvee - Today at 11:57:13 AMQuote from: SenseOrgan on December 20, 2025, 04:16:32 PMThere's a deep fear that people with a lot of power to do something negative to me, are going to draw terrible conclusions about me by how I act or come across, which will set the doom in motion. In places I can't escape. That is a crucial ingredient, just like it was when it started.
You know SO, this reminds me again of how similar our stories are. I often struggle to explain this feeling to people that I somehow get engaged in these "power struggles" with other people, or my deep fear of someone else's "power" over me, and my reluctance to open up and share those parts of me that won't be spoken over; that are mine. It's comforting,and validating, to know that others experience this because I feel like it's chalked up to "old stuff," or dismissed as irrational (like I SHOULD be able to get a hold on this fear, or escape it, but it's often like it's so big, or inexplicable).
I am also reminded of your entry by our conversation about people "rewiring" what I say. At least this is how I remember it, that struggle to be heard. I am currently undergoing a back and forth about this with my t, where I feel the manner in which she says things are akin to the ways that emotion was used as manipulation growing up. She feels like I'm trying to "control" her expression, and I feel like I'm asking for just some recognition. I also had the experience where it was like being baited to give an answer and then "shown," or told that there were studies that showed how just letting a client talk wasn't that effective. To me, it's the same merry-go-round of not being heard as to what my needs, and inner world require, which would actually allow me to open up and trust. Ironically, I chose a t that was about agency and the "self." So, am just offering that there is someone else who understands a bit about the feelings/aftermath that result after having grown up with a critical/encompassing force. I don't know if you've seen them, or if they would be of use, but I've found Jay Reid's videos on scapegoating to be helpful in mapping out a sort of framework for this "displaced" self. Though, there's still more understanding to come.
Sending you support,
dolly
#8
Podcasts, Videos & Documentaries / Re: Attachment Focused EMDR - ...
Last post by Hope67 - Today at 08:46:31 AMHi Chart,
I'm glad you enjoyed the beginning of it, and hope that you enjoy the rest as well. I've certainly found it helpful myself.
I'm glad you enjoyed the beginning of it, and hope that you enjoy the rest as well. I've certainly found it helpful myself.
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by Marcine - December 20, 2025, 07:49:55 PM"I was alone and powerless. Thousands of times. Highly likely starting preverbally."
I can very much relate with this, SO. The inherent dependence, the danger, the vulnerability, the power discrepancy, the invasiveness, the existential threat... It's at the heart of every emotional flashback I experience.
I also relate with your experiences with the "chatty, just-being-friendly", opinionated, judgy community garden member... why does it seem so hard for people to live-and-let-live? (Rhetorical question).
I enjoy peacefully working alongside others, and chatting if it feels reciprocal and welcomed.
But it all changes for me when it becomes: "Who curled the hose up wrong?!"
Or a political diatribe.
Sigh.
Even though I know it's more about them than me, it still sucks to experience.
I hope you are continuing towards a relaxed state.
Best,
Marcine
I can very much relate with this, SO. The inherent dependence, the danger, the vulnerability, the power discrepancy, the invasiveness, the existential threat... It's at the heart of every emotional flashback I experience.
I also relate with your experiences with the "chatty, just-being-friendly", opinionated, judgy community garden member... why does it seem so hard for people to live-and-let-live? (Rhetorical question).
I enjoy peacefully working alongside others, and chatting if it feels reciprocal and welcomed.
But it all changes for me when it becomes: "Who curled the hose up wrong?!"
Or a political diatribe.
Sigh.
Even though I know it's more about them than me, it still sucks to experience.
I hope you are continuing towards a relaxed state.
Best,
Marcine
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - December 20, 2025, 07:01:42 PMHey journal,
been away, because dealing with alot. My emotions have been going like a storm inside and even had a mini panic attack and some new feelings today all due to a man who's picture I haven't even seen yet. I'm really careful with this all as I know how easilly trauma can blur the feelings. I'm trying to differentiate what are actual signals of being in love vs CPTSD attachment. So that's my update. I feel like he deserves to mingle with people his own age and not with someone like me. My tears just drizzled down today. These emotions that this guy has made me feel have been more intense than any other guys.
been away, because dealing with alot. My emotions have been going like a storm inside and even had a mini panic attack and some new feelings today all due to a man who's picture I haven't even seen yet. I'm really careful with this all as I know how easilly trauma can blur the feelings. I'm trying to differentiate what are actual signals of being in love vs CPTSD attachment. So that's my update. I feel like he deserves to mingle with people his own age and not with someone like me. My tears just drizzled down today. These emotions that this guy has made me feel have been more intense than any other guys.