I have taken action on my ambivalence and mailed off (what I hope to be) the last letter of this year~hopefully longer.
A while ago I realized that continually agonizing over "solving" a relationship problem for weeks on end was only perpetuating and prolonging my unease. I also know that I can't "solve" problems with other people
but only gain clarity for myself with what I will or will not tolerate, endure, or engage in. The biggest obstacle of all is to be willing to hunker down, think in detail and get specific and objective. I almost talked myself into sending a letter which was light on narrative and strong on hiding behind intuition. The only way to handle difficulties is through. The added advantage is that the cyclical nature of life will probably not bring this to me again and again if I can address it comprehensively
now.
Yes, there are pluses and minuses in this game of life and in family relationships. The positive side of continuing a weak, impaired dynamic was surprising. I could cast myself as my ideal self. I could embrace my superior attitude to be a peace-keeper, to be condescending and tell myself how much better I was and how much farther I'd come. I could avoid the toxic doubt of comparing myself to my F, who by virtue of his belligerence and selfishness was responsible for fracturing family relationships for 3 generations. No, I would not be in the same category as he was, even though I was different. I would work tirelessly to prove that no what what sicknesses were suffered by either sibling, I would rise above it, and benevolently reign from the throne of tolerance. I would continue what I'd been primed to do my whole life, take care of other's feelings, At the expense of my own. Gee, that sounds awfully familiar.
Finally a different, stronger voice emerged. HEY! What the...? Wasn't life more that figuring out ways to see myself as better, more tolerant and a caretaker? What about caring for myself?!
Oh yeah, I remember now. OK. So getting down to brass tacks. Is it worth it to knowingly engage with an alcoholic and expect anything uplifting, positive, growth enhancing and spiritually viable? Can the same be said for a chronic drug user, albeit marginally functional? Is it reasonable to expect that a chronic lack of self-care, general emotional instability, self sabotaging choices will generate a solid respectful foundation for a reciprocal relationship? And the answer is..........NO.
And wonderfully, at the time of writing, jdog has posted words of wisdom which are spot on!
it is ok to let go of painful situations, and that, although it might be great to connect with your nephew that relationship could never exist in a complete vacuum.
Things may or may not change with your family dynamics, but it’s not all entirely on your shoulders.
I agree totally! Thanks for the reminders and input.
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, washed the floor, washed the clothes and sheets changed the bed, cleaned out my van, checked up on surf conditions by driving around some beaches watched some surfing for a while and it's only lunch time argh
