Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 03:54:55 PMStill well done 
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: starting over
Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 03:51:55 PMsanmagic7
Not sure about the hairstyle thing. A little side business? Making a little extra $$, nice!
A narcolepsy treatment for your D was what you were aiming for, right? Sounds really good they want to do a sleep study.
Low energy can be such a difficult thing to tackle. In my experience everything matters. Diet, exercise, connection, meditation, a safe place to stay, etc. And above all, proper, restorative sleep. But it's all connected. And all ties into trauma which creates this stress marinade. I just throw everything at it as much as I possibly can. I sure hope the meds will tackle the restless legs. Would have a big impact on your sleep I reckon. Fingers crossed for both you guys
Not sure about the hairstyle thing. A little side business? Making a little extra $$, nice!
A narcolepsy treatment for your D was what you were aiming for, right? Sounds really good they want to do a sleep study.
Low energy can be such a difficult thing to tackle. In my experience everything matters. Diet, exercise, connection, meditation, a safe place to stay, etc. And above all, proper, restorative sleep. But it's all connected. And all ties into trauma which creates this stress marinade. I just throw everything at it as much as I possibly can. I sure hope the meds will tackle the restless legs. Would have a big impact on your sleep I reckon. Fingers crossed for both you guys
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...
Last post by SenseOrgan - Today at 03:19:39 PMDesert Flower
Thank you. It would be great to enjoy our success in the moment, wouldn't it? It was there, somewhere in the back of my mind. It was enjoyable in it's own right that trauma wasn't having the last say this time. It still feels good today. Over the years, the things I'm able to enjoy shifted quite significantly under the influence of ongoing trauma stuff. I think I'm an extreme case of what you described. So willing to sacrifice a quick fulfillment over bigger rewards in the future, that it has become difficult to enjoy something now. It has it's benefits. This level doesn't look like a sign of mental health to me though.
I've been taking it very easy after kicking off this project. It's great you get this kind of thing and appreciate the need to recover. One of the * things about work is that it often doesn't leave enough time for that. I do appreciate just how lucky I am in that regard.
sanmagic7
Thank you for your support. Part of me is simply curious to see how I'd be doing over there in a year or so. Thinking about that, it's actually quite a big shift. Especially when I consider a few seriously triggering encounters I already had there. I guess the fact that I can go and leave whenever I see fit plays a big role in it. It feels more like an experiment with a potential to turn into something nice, than a situation I need to survive somehow. All social encounters over there did result in a big fawn response thus far, so I obviously don't feel safe there. Yet. I do feel a lot more comfortable and free compared to the first time I walked in there. I kinda believe in my potential to ease into this. At least to a degree. Could be wishful thinking. Will find out. In general, gardeners are nice folk, I think. I already got a bunch of veg and seeds from people I met.
NarcKiddo
Thank you. Yes, grounding, lol . It really is. I think it was February this year that I started to clean up my backyard. Not much thinking. Physical. Just starting because I felt the itch and finally had enough energy for it. Now I have a veg garden there and in my front yard, and this new one. I started with a couple of very simple, repetitive things my overwhelmed brain could still handle. It has helped me regain cognitive capacities that had been pushed very far away by chronic overwhelm. The "brain rot" I had was quite frightening. I can't say it's completely gone, but boy did that improve. I have gardening to thank. Exercise never got me there. If you don't mind me asking, what kind of movements help you to ground?
Yeah, it could have been a lot worse than the fawn response I get. I'm actually starting to tap into anger a little bit as a response to a very triggering woman I encountered there a few times. Thus far I've been totally fawning, but right after I started to get very frustrated and unhappy that I go along with her dumping so much frustration about other people on me. I'm already very close to not having that and find myself considering good ways to make that clear to her. I'm surprising myself, actually. This is deep end of the pool kind of stuff for me. I feel more wiggle room here than with issues like this in my direct environment at home. The latter feels a lot more dangerous, like there's more at stake. Interesting.
Thank you. It would be great to enjoy our success in the moment, wouldn't it? It was there, somewhere in the back of my mind. It was enjoyable in it's own right that trauma wasn't having the last say this time. It still feels good today. Over the years, the things I'm able to enjoy shifted quite significantly under the influence of ongoing trauma stuff. I think I'm an extreme case of what you described. So willing to sacrifice a quick fulfillment over bigger rewards in the future, that it has become difficult to enjoy something now. It has it's benefits. This level doesn't look like a sign of mental health to me though.
I've been taking it very easy after kicking off this project. It's great you get this kind of thing and appreciate the need to recover. One of the * things about work is that it often doesn't leave enough time for that. I do appreciate just how lucky I am in that regard.
sanmagic7
Thank you for your support. Part of me is simply curious to see how I'd be doing over there in a year or so. Thinking about that, it's actually quite a big shift. Especially when I consider a few seriously triggering encounters I already had there. I guess the fact that I can go and leave whenever I see fit plays a big role in it. It feels more like an experiment with a potential to turn into something nice, than a situation I need to survive somehow. All social encounters over there did result in a big fawn response thus far, so I obviously don't feel safe there. Yet. I do feel a lot more comfortable and free compared to the first time I walked in there. I kinda believe in my potential to ease into this. At least to a degree. Could be wishful thinking. Will find out. In general, gardeners are nice folk, I think. I already got a bunch of veg and seeds from people I met.
NarcKiddo
Thank you. Yes, grounding, lol
. It really is. I think it was February this year that I started to clean up my backyard. Not much thinking. Physical. Just starting because I felt the itch and finally had enough energy for it. Now I have a veg garden there and in my front yard, and this new one. I started with a couple of very simple, repetitive things my overwhelmed brain could still handle. It has helped me regain cognitive capacities that had been pushed very far away by chronic overwhelm. The "brain rot" I had was quite frightening. I can't say it's completely gone, but boy did that improve. I have gardening to thank. Exercise never got me there. If you don't mind me asking, what kind of movements help you to ground?Yeah, it could have been a lot worse than the fawn response I get. I'm actually starting to tap into anger a little bit as a response to a very triggering woman I encountered there a few times. Thus far I've been totally fawning, but right after I started to get very frustrated and unhappy that I go along with her dumping so much frustration about other people on me. I'm already very close to not having that and find myself considering good ways to make that clear to her. I'm surprising myself, actually. This is deep end of the pool kind of stuff for me. I feel more wiggle room here than with issues like this in my direct environment at home. The latter feels a lot more dangerous, like there's more at stake. Interesting.
#4
Therapy / Re: Therapy directly on a core...
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:40:53 PMblueberry, brilliant! i so agree, and so very glad you were able to come to that realization. i think it's a fundamental truth, not very easy to come by, but major when it's discovered. well done! 
love and hugs
love and hugs #5
DR - Disturbed Relationships / Re: Talking about jealousy
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 01:37:20 PMhi, and welcome to the forum. this place has meant a lot to me over the years, and i hope you find it helpful as well.
one of the things that struck me in your post was the incident w/ the therapist. what happened w/ him and your friend horrified me and told me a lot about both those people. this woman may be 'beautiful' on the outside, but it seems to me she has a lot of insecurity about herself on the inside. the therapist was way out of bounds either starting or encouraging such a flirtation, and here in the states having an affair with a client is both unethical and subject to reprimand and possibly losing his license/certification. i'm very glad in my heart you dumped him.
i believe beauty comes from the inside. i've known so-called 'beautiful' (in the standard magazine way) people who were shallow, superficial, and uncaring. what happened was that the longer i got to know them, the uglier they seemed, even their looks. and yet, some people who might have seemed plain on the outside actually got more attractive because of their personality, their kindness, their approach to life.
so, to my mind, 'deep' does not necessarily relate to 'beauty'. people can be both, and it sounds like that's exactly what your partner sees in you. i'm very glad about that, and the fact that he could also tell the truth about B, could see exactly what's going on with her.
i, too, had never been told i was pretty by either of my parents, and spent many, many years flitting here and there, trying to get that 'fix'. i didn't learn about my own beauty until very late in my life. i'm comfortable with it now, but the uncertainty about it for so long was a terrible thing to endure.
thanks for sharing. all the best to you. may i send love and a hug filled w/ your own beauty and a mirror so you can see it as well.
one of the things that struck me in your post was the incident w/ the therapist. what happened w/ him and your friend horrified me and told me a lot about both those people. this woman may be 'beautiful' on the outside, but it seems to me she has a lot of insecurity about herself on the inside. the therapist was way out of bounds either starting or encouraging such a flirtation, and here in the states having an affair with a client is both unethical and subject to reprimand and possibly losing his license/certification. i'm very glad in my heart you dumped him.
i believe beauty comes from the inside. i've known so-called 'beautiful' (in the standard magazine way) people who were shallow, superficial, and uncaring. what happened was that the longer i got to know them, the uglier they seemed, even their looks. and yet, some people who might have seemed plain on the outside actually got more attractive because of their personality, their kindness, their approach to life.
so, to my mind, 'deep' does not necessarily relate to 'beauty'. people can be both, and it sounds like that's exactly what your partner sees in you. i'm very glad about that, and the fact that he could also tell the truth about B, could see exactly what's going on with her.
i, too, had never been told i was pretty by either of my parents, and spent many, many years flitting here and there, trying to get that 'fix'. i didn't learn about my own beauty until very late in my life. i'm comfortable with it now, but the uncertainty about it for so long was a terrible thing to endure.
thanks for sharing. all the best to you. may i send love and a hug filled w/ your own beauty and a mirror so you can see it as well.
#6
Family / they just don't get it
Last post by asdis - Today at 02:44:32 AMTrigger Warning: medical talk, mentions of past neglect
We debated what topic to post this under for awhile, so please let us know if there's a better spot.
Our health has deteriorated more. Our tests are coming back abnormal but "fine" according to some of our doctors, while others are very concerned about our current state and symptoms, and are trying to connect us to doctors that can help. Our insurance, that we have through our birth-giver(BG), has also been dragging it's feet and making getting imaging tests done very difficult. Our BG knows this. We recently had some extended family (aunt/uncle, two cousins + spouses) visit our parents and sister's house. For weeks, our parents kept asking/rephrasing/telling us that they would pick us up and take us to their house for the visit. We said no every time, and it took explaining our difficulties riding in the car and the several appointments we had that week for them to back off. Monday was the last of that set of appointments. The appointment did not go well.
Well, our BG texted us asking about it shortly after we left the hospital. We didn't respond until today, when we were able to have our therapist support us through the response. Our BG called us after we responded. We called her back once our session was over, and we had a long conversation about our physical decline and difficulties with getting adequate/consistent care. For context, until we were living with our husband in a city two hours away from our parents, they would deny, delay, and obstruct us from receiving medical care. So these conversations are new, difficult, and scary. When talking about some suspected diagnoses, our BG said "you know, I've been wondering if you had X condition for awhile now". When we asked what "awhile" meant, she said "since middle school". That was deeply infuriating. Near the end of the call, she also said "I'm sorry for giving you a broken body". That one hurt. It still hurts. It's been hours and we can't shake it off, ignore it, or bury it. She didn't sound sorry. Her voice was steady, tinged with pity and annoyance. She didn't, or rather wouldn't, acknowledge that her medical neglect is what put us in this situation.
Despite this, we must remain in contact for survival. As maddening as it is, the slips of "oh I saw signs of that X years ago" that we occasionally get from BG are our best chance at filling in some medical history/only chance at validation that our issues are largely ongoing from childhood. We've been doing everything internally that we can to make our peace with our situation with our family, talking with our therapist about it, the works. Reminding ourself that once we can't remain on their insurance, we can let them go because they won't have anything for us at that point. Hopefully by then, two years, we'll be able to work again. But until then, we are still struggling to deal with them. Even with making peace with it, limiting contact, only giving them necessary information; they still find ways to hurt us and make us feel small.
Our left leg works at 50%. Sometimes, it loses function entirely. We are in constant pain from multiple conditions. And yet, no matter how often we remind them or how well we explain things, our family, and BG especially, seem to be under the impression that we're just not trying hard enough. They don't see how bad it really is, and as much as we are honest about how bad it is, we refuse to perform rock bottom for them. After the "sorry", BG spent another 2-3 minutes reiterating "you have to advocate for yourself" and "be annoying about it". But she can't see that she abused that fight out of us. We tried, many times as a kid to be heard and taken seriously about our health. She was the one who dismissed us and gaslit us about our concerns. She was the one who pushed us to think everything wrong with our body was "normal" and that we were just "weak" and "lazy". They just don't get it, most likely never will, and are somehow both aware and oblivious to their hand in our current state. It's exhausting. And we feel so much more alone when they do things like this.
We debated what topic to post this under for awhile, so please let us know if there's a better spot.
Our health has deteriorated more. Our tests are coming back abnormal but "fine" according to some of our doctors, while others are very concerned about our current state and symptoms, and are trying to connect us to doctors that can help. Our insurance, that we have through our birth-giver(BG), has also been dragging it's feet and making getting imaging tests done very difficult. Our BG knows this. We recently had some extended family (aunt/uncle, two cousins + spouses) visit our parents and sister's house. For weeks, our parents kept asking/rephrasing/telling us that they would pick us up and take us to their house for the visit. We said no every time, and it took explaining our difficulties riding in the car and the several appointments we had that week for them to back off. Monday was the last of that set of appointments. The appointment did not go well.
Well, our BG texted us asking about it shortly after we left the hospital. We didn't respond until today, when we were able to have our therapist support us through the response. Our BG called us after we responded. We called her back once our session was over, and we had a long conversation about our physical decline and difficulties with getting adequate/consistent care. For context, until we were living with our husband in a city two hours away from our parents, they would deny, delay, and obstruct us from receiving medical care. So these conversations are new, difficult, and scary. When talking about some suspected diagnoses, our BG said "you know, I've been wondering if you had X condition for awhile now". When we asked what "awhile" meant, she said "since middle school". That was deeply infuriating. Near the end of the call, she also said "I'm sorry for giving you a broken body". That one hurt. It still hurts. It's been hours and we can't shake it off, ignore it, or bury it. She didn't sound sorry. Her voice was steady, tinged with pity and annoyance. She didn't, or rather wouldn't, acknowledge that her medical neglect is what put us in this situation.
Despite this, we must remain in contact for survival. As maddening as it is, the slips of "oh I saw signs of that X years ago" that we occasionally get from BG are our best chance at filling in some medical history/only chance at validation that our issues are largely ongoing from childhood. We've been doing everything internally that we can to make our peace with our situation with our family, talking with our therapist about it, the works. Reminding ourself that once we can't remain on their insurance, we can let them go because they won't have anything for us at that point. Hopefully by then, two years, we'll be able to work again. But until then, we are still struggling to deal with them. Even with making peace with it, limiting contact, only giving them necessary information; they still find ways to hurt us and make us feel small.
Our left leg works at 50%. Sometimes, it loses function entirely. We are in constant pain from multiple conditions. And yet, no matter how often we remind them or how well we explain things, our family, and BG especially, seem to be under the impression that we're just not trying hard enough. They don't see how bad it really is, and as much as we are honest about how bad it is, we refuse to perform rock bottom for them. After the "sorry", BG spent another 2-3 minutes reiterating "you have to advocate for yourself" and "be annoying about it". But she can't see that she abused that fight out of us. We tried, many times as a kid to be heard and taken seriously about our health. She was the one who dismissed us and gaslit us about our concerns. She was the one who pushed us to think everything wrong with our body was "normal" and that we were just "weak" and "lazy". They just don't get it, most likely never will, and are somehow both aware and oblivious to their hand in our current state. It's exhausting. And we feel so much more alone when they do things like this.
#7
Announcements / Re: Zoom Group(s)
Last post by yesitsmary - September 16, 2025, 06:53:47 PMI'd love to join! I'm really struggling right now 💛 My name is Mary, and I live in Los Angeles. My timezone is Pacific Time.
#8
Therapy / Re: Therapy directly on a core...
Last post by Hope67 - September 16, 2025, 05:30:52 PM #9
Recovery Journals / Re: I Am
Last post by Hope67 - September 16, 2025, 05:13:14 PMHi Bach,
Sending you a big hug of support I hope that parts of your day will be better, and that they will become some good parts of today.
Hope
Sending you a big hug of support
I hope that parts of your day will be better, and that they will become some good parts of today.Hope
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2025
Last post by Hope67 - September 16, 2025, 05:11:13 PMHi SanMagic, Thank you so much.
Hi Dollyvee, Thank you. I do think that I've had quite a few body pains in the past few days - mainly focused in the head, but also throughout the body too. I didn't speak about what happened, I didn't think it would go well if I tried to speak about it, so I didn't. I do realise that seeing any 'family' members seems to be really triggering for me, hence I am trying to cope with it rather than bring it up as something to discuss with the family members - I really do think that I am maybe extra sensitive to stuff, and therefore I try to handle it without talking to the person/people about the issue. I really don't feel they would be understanding at all. Thanks for the support, Dollyvee, I appreciate it
Hi Dollyvee, Thank you. I do think that I've had quite a few body pains in the past few days - mainly focused in the head, but also throughout the body too. I didn't speak about what happened, I didn't think it would go well if I tried to speak about it, so I didn't. I do realise that seeing any 'family' members seems to be really triggering for me, hence I am trying to cope with it rather than bring it up as something to discuss with the family members - I really do think that I am maybe extra sensitive to stuff, and therefore I try to handle it without talking to the person/people about the issue. I really don't feel they would be understanding at all. Thanks for the support, Dollyvee, I appreciate it