Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by Desert Flower - Today at 10:42:45 AMHey San, just to let you know as well that I'm really sorry for how that session went. To my mind, it seems very insensitive that the T went right ahead into what you said you were really scared about. It feels like an important boundary was crossed and I don't think this is the way trauma informed therapy (where your autonomy and agency should be very important) should work.
And you have every right to be angry about that, that's actually a healthy response to boundaries being crossed. So, one way or another, I think it's important to let the T know that.
I also applaud your awareness of what was going on, how your body and legs reacted and how you were able to address that already, that's so important too.
So regardless of how the T did, I think you did very well. And I wish you well in recovering from this session and taking the next step with/towards this T in (your!) due time. Take care.
Sending you lots of warmth, recognition and love
And you have every right to be angry about that, that's actually a healthy response to boundaries being crossed. So, one way or another, I think it's important to let the T know that.
I also applaud your awareness of what was going on, how your body and legs reacted and how you were able to address that already, that's so important too.
So regardless of how the T did, I think you did very well. And I wish you well in recovering from this session and taking the next step with/towards this T in (your!) due time. Take care.
Sending you lots of warmth, recognition and love
#2
Recovery Journals / Hope's Journal 2026
Last post by Hope67 - Today at 10:28:24 AM13th January 2026
So, this is my first entry for 2026 in this journal. I'd like to first say that I do welcome replies and comments in my journal from others, as they are very validating and helpful to me - so if you wish to respond to anything I've said, please feel free to do so. I value all of you, and what you say. Thank you so much for supporting me on my journey so far.
So today I wrote (by hand) the following, which I am now re-typing to put in this journal, and will tear up the paper copy. That process in itself seems therapeutic to me!
* More regulated
* Better able to notice bodily signs and consider them rather than react to them.
* Noticed more feelings that signify ANGER.
* Continuing to digest various biographies and autobiographies and especially glean things from ones that include therapy interactions.
* Still using bilateral stimulation and EMDR.
* Nightime - much improved. Previous terror feelings no longer there. Do get another feeling like abandonment, but less impact than previous terror. Tend to consider the physical impact, bodily sensation - remaining curious - doing some EMDR for a minute duration - Tends to help and can then sleep!
* Frustrated with weight - I had lost weight prior to Christmas - but overdid it, and gained weight - never mind - focus again.
*Still experiencing some strong feelings of DISGUST/SHAME re: not being able to maintain a relationship with a toxic FOO. Feelings of guilt. Shame. Ordered a book about Unshaming - hope this will help.
* Ordered Janina Fisher's new book about Fragmented Parts - understand it's a work-book, so hopeful it will build on her previous work, which has been invaluable to me.
* Noticed that I'm currently most likely avoiding looking at my CSA issues. Hence feeling some overwhelm at not having sufficient time. But is this because I am overwhelming myself. Afterall I can choose how to allocate time etc.
Glad to have started this 2026 journal.
So, this is my first entry for 2026 in this journal. I'd like to first say that I do welcome replies and comments in my journal from others, as they are very validating and helpful to me - so if you wish to respond to anything I've said, please feel free to do so. I value all of you, and what you say. Thank you so much for supporting me on my journey so far.
So today I wrote (by hand) the following, which I am now re-typing to put in this journal, and will tear up the paper copy. That process in itself seems therapeutic to me!
* More regulated
* Better able to notice bodily signs and consider them rather than react to them.
* Noticed more feelings that signify ANGER.
* Continuing to digest various biographies and autobiographies and especially glean things from ones that include therapy interactions.
* Still using bilateral stimulation and EMDR.
* Nightime - much improved. Previous terror feelings no longer there. Do get another feeling like abandonment, but less impact than previous terror. Tend to consider the physical impact, bodily sensation - remaining curious - doing some EMDR for a minute duration - Tends to help and can then sleep!
* Frustrated with weight - I had lost weight prior to Christmas - but overdid it, and gained weight - never mind - focus again.
*Still experiencing some strong feelings of DISGUST/SHAME re: not being able to maintain a relationship with a toxic FOO. Feelings of guilt. Shame. Ordered a book about Unshaming - hope this will help.
* Ordered Janina Fisher's new book about Fragmented Parts - understand it's a work-book, so hopeful it will build on her previous work, which has been invaluable to me.
* Noticed that I'm currently most likely avoiding looking at my CSA issues. Hence feeling some overwhelm at not having sufficient time. But is this because I am overwhelming myself. Afterall I can choose how to allocate time etc.
Glad to have started this 2026 journal.
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by Hope67 - Today at 09:20:42 AMSending you support Chart, it sounds really tough for you at the moment, and I hear what you're saying about all the physical pain, the emotional pain, and being in that trough between rogue waves.
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: The tipping point…
Last post by Chart - Today at 08:55:25 AMThank you HannaOne, NarcKiddo and San...
I'm really bad. I keep waiting for things to improve, especially my body. It isn't. I'm in pain, all upper body, from the hernia up. My right arm just keeps on throbbing. The osteopathe helped, but now the pain in my wrists has crept back up my right arm... ugh, frickin' hate it. Gotta react, gotta do something, but all I do is lie in bed... conscious dissociation doesn't work too well. I'm thinking a lot about the lies and falsehoods I'm living, with myself and others. I'm trying, but my brain is my worst enemy. I need help, but don't have the energy to reach out. Shame and hopelessness. Zero energy. I fixed a leak on my bike this past Saturday... but had to drink four cups of coffee to get the energy. And was hard as heck. Carried the bike upstairs, but still no space to work. Everything is hard. I'm in the trough between rogue waves.
I'm really bad. I keep waiting for things to improve, especially my body. It isn't. I'm in pain, all upper body, from the hernia up. My right arm just keeps on throbbing. The osteopathe helped, but now the pain in my wrists has crept back up my right arm... ugh, frickin' hate it. Gotta react, gotta do something, but all I do is lie in bed... conscious dissociation doesn't work too well. I'm thinking a lot about the lies and falsehoods I'm living, with myself and others. I'm trying, but my brain is my worst enemy. I need help, but don't have the energy to reach out. Shame and hopelessness. Zero energy. I fixed a leak on my bike this past Saturday... but had to drink four cups of coffee to get the energy. And was hard as heck. Carried the bike upstairs, but still no space to work. Everything is hard. I'm in the trough between rogue waves.
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 06:36:17 AMSan, I'm so sorry you went through this. And at the same time, I'm really glad you noticed what was happening and trusted yourself enough to follow it through, even though it took time to make sense of it. That matters.
Being able to say "something here isn't right for me" and to stay with that instead of dismissing it, that is not small. It's a form of self-trust that's often been taken away, so reclaiming it is significant.
I think your reaction makes complete sense. Given how clearly you shared your fear, limits, and what you could and couldn't tolerate, it's understandable that pushing past that would feel upsetting and violating rather than therapeutic.
Feeling angry in that situation isn't wrong or excessive - it's a sane response to not being listened to. You are not imagining this, and you're not overreacting. I'm really glad you spoke your truth here and connected the dots instead of turning it inward as self-blame. That shift from "what's wrong with me?" to "something important wasn't honored" - is real progress, even though it doesn't feel good in the moment. You're right to take yourself seriously. Your experience deserves respect, and your feelings are valid exactly as they are.
As for what comes next: one thing I have learned is that even trauma-informed therapists can miss the moment. Not necessarily because they don't care, but because they're human, attached to a model, or trying to help before they fully understand who they're helping. Sometimes repair works better when the therapist has a chance to take in feedback outside the intensity of the session, rather than being surprised in the moment. That doesn't make what happened okay, it just means that clear information given ahead of time can make it more likely they're able to slow down and truly pivot. And if they can't hear it or become defensive, that also tells you something important.
I want to be very clear: the following is not me putting words in your mouth. It's simply how I would communicate with my therapist in a situation like this - whether by email beforehand or said slowly in session. Take it only as a possible template, and use or discard anything that doesn't fit.
"Dear T, I wanted to share something important before our next session, because it took me time to understand what happened for me afterward. I realized that when we focused on IFS and the "gray lady," my system became overwhelmed, even though I had tried to communicate beforehand how frightening that territory feels for me right now, especially given my alexithymia and tendency toward dissociation.
After the session, I experienced significant leg weakness, which I've learned over time is how my body expresses anger when I don't yet have access to that feeling directly. Once I understood that this reaction was connected to feeling not fully listened to or paced with, my legs gradually recovered.
I want to be clear that this isn't about rejecting IFS or growth. It's about timing and safety. At this stage, I need therapy to prioritize stabilization, attunement, and going slowly with my nervous system. When things move too quickly or when a boundary I name isn't held, my body reacts strongly.
I'm sharing this because I want to give us the best chance to work well together. It would really help me to focus first on safety, pacing, and co-regulation, and to revisit parts work only when my system feels more resourced."
San, you listened to yourself, you made meaning of what happened, and you're advocating for safety instead of pushing yourself past your limits again. That's growth, even if it's painful.
Sending
Being able to say "something here isn't right for me" and to stay with that instead of dismissing it, that is not small. It's a form of self-trust that's often been taken away, so reclaiming it is significant.
I think your reaction makes complete sense. Given how clearly you shared your fear, limits, and what you could and couldn't tolerate, it's understandable that pushing past that would feel upsetting and violating rather than therapeutic.
Feeling angry in that situation isn't wrong or excessive - it's a sane response to not being listened to. You are not imagining this, and you're not overreacting. I'm really glad you spoke your truth here and connected the dots instead of turning it inward as self-blame. That shift from "what's wrong with me?" to "something important wasn't honored" - is real progress, even though it doesn't feel good in the moment. You're right to take yourself seriously. Your experience deserves respect, and your feelings are valid exactly as they are.
As for what comes next: one thing I have learned is that even trauma-informed therapists can miss the moment. Not necessarily because they don't care, but because they're human, attached to a model, or trying to help before they fully understand who they're helping. Sometimes repair works better when the therapist has a chance to take in feedback outside the intensity of the session, rather than being surprised in the moment. That doesn't make what happened okay, it just means that clear information given ahead of time can make it more likely they're able to slow down and truly pivot. And if they can't hear it or become defensive, that also tells you something important.
I want to be very clear: the following is not me putting words in your mouth. It's simply how I would communicate with my therapist in a situation like this - whether by email beforehand or said slowly in session. Take it only as a possible template, and use or discard anything that doesn't fit.
"Dear T, I wanted to share something important before our next session, because it took me time to understand what happened for me afterward. I realized that when we focused on IFS and the "gray lady," my system became overwhelmed, even though I had tried to communicate beforehand how frightening that territory feels for me right now, especially given my alexithymia and tendency toward dissociation.
After the session, I experienced significant leg weakness, which I've learned over time is how my body expresses anger when I don't yet have access to that feeling directly. Once I understood that this reaction was connected to feeling not fully listened to or paced with, my legs gradually recovered.
I want to be clear that this isn't about rejecting IFS or growth. It's about timing and safety. At this stage, I need therapy to prioritize stabilization, attunement, and going slowly with my nervous system. When things move too quickly or when a boundary I name isn't held, my body reacts strongly.
I'm sharing this because I want to give us the best chance to work well together. It would really help me to focus first on safety, pacing, and co-regulation, and to revisit parts work only when my system feels more resourced."
San, you listened to yourself, you made meaning of what happened, and you're advocating for safety instead of pushing yourself past your limits again. That's growth, even if it's painful.
Sending
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: the next step
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 03:43:44 AMSo, thank you so for your words of encouragement.
thebigblue, thank you for being on my side.
to both of you, you'd think she'd be attuned - she says she's a trauma therapist (altho i've run into that before). i told her beforehand that i was terrified of the whole IFS situation, that i'd been seeing my former T 2x/week cuz i was in crisis for 5 yrs., that i'd asked that T about IFS, she didn't go anywhere w/ it w/ me, and i told this T i thought it was because she didn't think i could manage it. also about my alexithymia, couldn't feel my emotions, and when i looked up IFS it talked about how do i feel toward a part, how did the part feel about me, and since i didn't even feel my own feelings, that was too much.
yet she insisted on poking at it w/ the gray lady, who i said i didn't hate, but that i was embarrassed more by the fact that i couldn't handle situations on my own. she went on about how the parts are there to protect us, blah blah
and i know all that, explained i'd been very floaty much of my life, didn't feel like i had other parts, just air/wind.
and after it was all done, we made a date for next week, and i got up from my chair and i could barely move my legs. this was at 3, it wasn't till nearly 9 that i figured it all out. (i'd also told her i have a lot of psychosomatic stuff going on cuz of the alexithymia). i've been dragging around the house for nearly 6 hrs., barely able to walk, and i finally sat down and thought about this whole thing. i discovered a bit ago that when my legs go it means anger. i don't feel it most of the time, and when i don't, my legs stop working instead. so, ok, i'm angry, but about what? had to think about that for a while also, and it came to me finally that it was cuz she didn't frickin' listen to what i'd been saying about the IFS situation, she went there anyway, kept poking at it, coming back to it, talking about it/the gray lady, had me talk about her - but it was at least half the session focused on that.
so, i'm pissed!
and when i finally figured it all out, having to go backwards from my legs to my brain, they are now working quite well again. it feels miraculous, but it's what i've been saying and experiencing for so long now, and she wouldn't frickin' listen!!!! 
and i end up feeling crummy cuz i can barely walk because she wouldn't go slow, but kinda jumped right in!!!!
i think i'll see her next week and give her a piece of my mind, let her know she didn't listen to me, tell her what happened because of it, and see how she responds. this may be a make it or break it moment right off the bat, and if anyone has any thoughts or opinions, i'd love to hear them. i'm so mad right now i can barely see or think straight!!!
thanks. i knew you all would be with me - i'm sure that's how i figured this out in a relatively short time, altho it felt long to me. i was so upset i had a cigarette, and it felt right. and i'm not too happy about that, either.
thebigblue, thank you for being on my side.
to both of you, you'd think she'd be attuned - she says she's a trauma therapist (altho i've run into that before). i told her beforehand that i was terrified of the whole IFS situation, that i'd been seeing my former T 2x/week cuz i was in crisis for 5 yrs., that i'd asked that T about IFS, she didn't go anywhere w/ it w/ me, and i told this T i thought it was because she didn't think i could manage it. also about my alexithymia, couldn't feel my emotions, and when i looked up IFS it talked about how do i feel toward a part, how did the part feel about me, and since i didn't even feel my own feelings, that was too much.
yet she insisted on poking at it w/ the gray lady, who i said i didn't hate, but that i was embarrassed more by the fact that i couldn't handle situations on my own. she went on about how the parts are there to protect us, blah blah
and i know all that, explained i'd been very floaty much of my life, didn't feel like i had other parts, just air/wind.and after it was all done, we made a date for next week, and i got up from my chair and i could barely move my legs. this was at 3, it wasn't till nearly 9 that i figured it all out. (i'd also told her i have a lot of psychosomatic stuff going on cuz of the alexithymia). i've been dragging around the house for nearly 6 hrs., barely able to walk, and i finally sat down and thought about this whole thing. i discovered a bit ago that when my legs go it means anger. i don't feel it most of the time, and when i don't, my legs stop working instead. so, ok, i'm angry, but about what? had to think about that for a while also, and it came to me finally that it was cuz she didn't frickin' listen to what i'd been saying about the IFS situation, she went there anyway, kept poking at it, coming back to it, talking about it/the gray lady, had me talk about her - but it was at least half the session focused on that.
so, i'm pissed!
and when i finally figured it all out, having to go backwards from my legs to my brain, they are now working quite well again. it feels miraculous, but it's what i've been saying and experiencing for so long now, and she wouldn't frickin' listen!!!! and i end up feeling crummy cuz i can barely walk because she wouldn't go slow, but kinda jumped right in!!!!i think i'll see her next week and give her a piece of my mind, let her know she didn't listen to me, tell her what happened because of it, and see how she responds. this may be a make it or break it moment right off the bat, and if anyone has any thoughts or opinions, i'd love to hear them. i'm so mad right now i can barely see or think straight!!!
thanks. i knew you all would be with me - i'm sure that's how i figured this out in a relatively short time, altho it felt long to me. i was so upset i had a cigarette, and it felt right. and i'm not too happy about that, either. #8
General Discussion / Re: Psychosis from extreme dis...
Last post by Teddy bear - Today at 03:40:53 AMGuys, I got a heartwarming sense of community and support here very quickly, that means a lot for me (just like Home, but not a dysfunctional one).
My deep appreciation 💕
My deep appreciation 💕
#9
General Discussion / Re: Psychosis from extreme dis...
Last post by Kizzie - Today at 01:09:36 AMI agree with Chart Teddy Bear - it good to see older threads be bumped as there's often a lot of good info or it provides an opportunity to start anew discussion about the topic. 
#10
Symptoms - Other / Re: Why "Inner Strength" Does ...
Last post by Kizzie - Today at 01:04:04 AMGreat posts everyone, I relate so much to this topic.
When someone talks about me being strong what pops into my head immediately is the urge to say "It is not "strength" per se, just fear and desperation." If anyone could see inside me they would see I am or was a crumbly mess, just doing my best to keep my head above the surface most of the time.
I also don't like to be congratulated on surviving trauma, again all I want to say is "What other choice did I really have?" Of course there are a few choices, none of them good.
LBTV I understand your aversion to the word "resilient" for similar reasons. When I hear/read it, it often comes across as something I should have, and if I don't have it then I have failed. I'm OK if an article or someone mentions learning resilience, that feels different. In that case it involves a strategy or strategies I can learn and then use to feel better, happier, less dysregulated, whatever. But possessing a measure of actual resilience from the get go, as a child of complex relational trauma not so much. It's one of those things that IMO is learned in healthy families at a young age alongside regulation, etc.
When someone talks about me being strong what pops into my head immediately is the urge to say "It is not "strength" per se, just fear and desperation." If anyone could see inside me they would see I am or was a crumbly mess, just doing my best to keep my head above the surface most of the time.
I also don't like to be congratulated on surviving trauma, again all I want to say is "What other choice did I really have?" Of course there are a few choices, none of them good.
LBTV I understand your aversion to the word "resilient" for similar reasons. When I hear/read it, it often comes across as something I should have, and if I don't have it then I have failed. I'm OK if an article or someone mentions learning resilience, that feels different. In that case it involves a strategy or strategies I can learn and then use to feel better, happier, less dysregulated, whatever. But possessing a measure of actual resilience from the get go, as a child of complex relational trauma not so much. It's one of those things that IMO is learned in healthy families at a young age alongside regulation, etc.