Recent posts
#1
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2025
Last post by sanmagic7 - Today at 02:23:31 PMglad you're feeling better, hope. i understand how emotional peoples' stories can be for us, books/movies, cuz i've shed my share of tears throughout my life becuz of them. i also understand the feeling of not wanting to continue reading/watching something cuz it cuts too close to the bone. there have been several books i've had to stop reading, several movies i've had to stop watching for the same reason. too emotional in the wrong way.
once again, your progress with everything you're tackling is amazing. keep up the good work! love and hugs
once again, your progress with everything you're tackling is amazing. keep up the good work! love and hugs
#2
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2025
Last post by Hope67 - Today at 12:16:13 PMThanks NarcKiddo, I am feeling a lot better today. 
#3
The Cafe / Re: The Potting Shed - Part 2
Last post by Blueberry - July 03, 2025, 08:37:34 PMI had some help finishing making a herb bed on Monday. It's quite shallow so not ideal but that's where LL said I could put my herbs. He plainly doesn't want me digging up lawn to make myself a proper new deeper bed. While my help was there, we went to the local DIY/garden centre and got a bunch of bags of soil, more than I could ever carry on the cargo bike in one go, plus 2 fairly small plastic raised beds. I know people make their own out of wood, but forget that, it would probably take me about 2-3 years to get round to that, or quite likely never get round to it. My help also removed my flowering plants from part of a bed that's in part of the garden that's in the process of being sold and will be a building site at the latest next spring, but maybe even this fall. I really needed help with that because I can't yet dig on account of my ankle which is still healing. Most of those flowers are now in my herb bed or in a mini-bed just beside it.
It's now Thursday and I've been doing more gardening on my own both today and yesterday. Actually apart from the necessary watering of newly planted or re-planted herbs and flowers, housework would have been much more important, but I prefer gardening. Must have been last week or so, I discovered a mini-plantation of wild strawberries on the property of the empty building next door and I've been picking and eating them, as well as the wild strawberries on this property. Nobody else uses them. Today I also picked some raspberries, since they're beginning to ripen. They're basically wild as well. They're mostly in the part of the property that is in the process of being sold and will be a building site. I like having berries to pick - good for my inner (hunter/)gatherer. I've done quite a bit of work in communal parts of the garden, mostly small jobs which LL tends not to notice and/or he notices only what I haven't done. Such is life.
My newly planted/re-planted herbs and flowers are doing well, which was not a given. Moving them in the middle of a heatwave is not the best time, but that's when I had arranged with my help to do so. Actually a self-employed guy who can help with handyman stuff, and did so for me after my move, as well as gardening plus some other stuff I fortunately don't need help with (yet). Anyway, filling watering cans and lugging them over has paid off. And LL had better be happy that that part of the garden looks much better now! I'm certainly happy, it was worth finally paying somebody to complete it. There are still some free spots including in most of the raised beds, where I can plant/sow more flowers or herbs or maybe even one of the quick-growing lettuces whose leaves you keep harvesting rather than the whole plant. It's probably not too late in the growing season yet.
It's now Thursday and I've been doing more gardening on my own both today and yesterday. Actually apart from the necessary watering of newly planted or re-planted herbs and flowers, housework would have been much more important, but I prefer gardening. Must have been last week or so, I discovered a mini-plantation of wild strawberries on the property of the empty building next door and I've been picking and eating them, as well as the wild strawberries on this property. Nobody else uses them. Today I also picked some raspberries, since they're beginning to ripen. They're basically wild as well. They're mostly in the part of the property that is in the process of being sold and will be a building site. I like having berries to pick - good for my inner (hunter/)gatherer. I've done quite a bit of work in communal parts of the garden, mostly small jobs which LL tends not to notice and/or he notices only what I haven't done. Such is life.
My newly planted/re-planted herbs and flowers are doing well, which was not a given. Moving them in the middle of a heatwave is not the best time, but that's when I had arranged with my help to do so. Actually a self-employed guy who can help with handyman stuff, and did so for me after my move, as well as gardening plus some other stuff I fortunately don't need help with (yet). Anyway, filling watering cans and lugging them over has paid off. And LL had better be happy that that part of the garden looks much better now! I'm certainly happy, it was worth finally paying somebody to complete it. There are still some free spots including in most of the raised beds, where I can plant/sow more flowers or herbs or maybe even one of the quick-growing lettuces whose leaves you keep harvesting rather than the whole plant. It's probably not too late in the growing season yet.
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2025
Last post by NarcKiddo - July 03, 2025, 06:04:48 PMI hope the stomach pain eases off soon.
#5
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by StartingHealing - July 03, 2025, 04:21:15 PMQuote from: Hope67 on July 03, 2025, 02:42:49 PMHi StartingHealing,
It is so frustrating when something you've written somehow disappears - I know you have a long weekend coming up, and would like to wish you some enjoyable times, and hopefully some great fireworks to watch.
I hope that your back will cooperate and go back into place, and that your BP is ok.
Enjoy your long weekend.
Hope
Thank you Hope. May your holiday be enjoyable as well.
#6
Sleep Issues / Re: Dreams and other thoughts
Last post by Kizzie - July 03, 2025, 04:01:40 PMThat was quite the dream Hope! I have a lot of similar dreams in which I'm trying to go somewhere and have to gather my things quickly but I can't seem to get the job done no matter how hard I try. I don't do so on speeding trains though 
Amazing what our minds can get up to in our sleep. I'm thankful they are only anxious type dreams and not the nightmares that plague many of our fellow survivors.
Amazing what our minds can get up to in our sleep. I'm thankful they are only anxious type dreams and not the nightmares that plague many of our fellow survivors.
#7
Recovery Journals / Re: Hope's Journal 2025
Last post by Hope67 - July 03, 2025, 03:08:06 PMI have some stomach pain today - not sure why. I hope it gets better. Now I've come here to write, I find I can't think of what I want to say. So I'll just leave it there, and maybe come back later or another day. I just wrote about a dream in my dream journal (different part of the forum) and somehow I feel quite sad now. I think it was because part of me really wanted me to add that dream there, but there's a part that is very upset about it (at the same time).
Actually I have been processing quite a few things in past days, and so I guess I am feeling some physical effects of that. Hence I suspect that might be why my stomach is painful.
I have read some very emotional autobiographies lately too - I read one by Richard E. Grant, where he talks about his relationship with his wife and how he coped during her cancer journey and subsequent death, and I cried a lot whilst reading that. I also read Sharon Stone's autobiography and found that to be poignant as well.
I find it interesting that when I started to try to read Mary Bratton's book (about CSA) that I then managed to read it for a while, but then ended up reading lots of autobiographies (these 2 plus I think a few more) and haven't gone back to Mary Bratton's book - it's like I can only manage to read it occasionally before the part that wants to rub things out, makes me distracted and gets me to read other things. I know I'm in control of my bus driving, but somehow I am distracted from Mary's book. At least I can see the book - I haven't lost it/misplaced it. I might read some more. I find it helpful.
Actually I have been processing quite a few things in past days, and so I guess I am feeling some physical effects of that. Hence I suspect that might be why my stomach is painful.
I have read some very emotional autobiographies lately too - I read one by Richard E. Grant, where he talks about his relationship with his wife and how he coped during her cancer journey and subsequent death, and I cried a lot whilst reading that. I also read Sharon Stone's autobiography and found that to be poignant as well.
I find it interesting that when I started to try to read Mary Bratton's book (about CSA) that I then managed to read it for a while, but then ended up reading lots of autobiographies (these 2 plus I think a few more) and haven't gone back to Mary Bratton's book - it's like I can only manage to read it occasionally before the part that wants to rub things out, makes me distracted and gets me to read other things. I know I'm in control of my bus driving, but somehow I am distracted from Mary's book. At least I can see the book - I haven't lost it/misplaced it. I might read some more. I find it helpful.
#8
Sleep Issues / Re: Dreams and other thoughts
Last post by Hope67 - July 03, 2025, 02:59:06 PMLast night I had a dream that involved being in a train and travelling somewhere with my partner. It was however really scary because the train was travelling extra fast, and I was aware we were due to get off, but then I thought I needed my jacket, which I had left in a compartment, and so we were almost running/rushing through the compartments to get to the right place to bring my jacket. There was a man and his teenage son sitting where we had sat, and I grabbed at what I thought was my jacket, and took it - only to realise I'd taken the teenage son's jacket by mistake, and then I had to run back to return it. Meanwhile, the train was going so fast, and I began to fear we'd missed our station. There was also some kind of announcement that the train had literally done a 360 loop, somewhat similar to a roller coaster, but I remember exclaiming that it couldn't have done that, that I would never have agreed to go on a train that would do that. Then my partner saying 'Yes, but it did do that' - and I then thought that somehow my conscious brain had rubbed that part out, and therefore I was saved from experiencing that bit.
Anyway, that dream was hyper real, and when I told my partner about it - he said 'Wow, that sounds exciting'.
I felt a need to put this dream here, so I have.
Anyway, that dream was hyper real, and when I told my partner about it - he said 'Wow, that sounds exciting'.
I felt a need to put this dream here, so I have.
#9
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by Hope67 - July 03, 2025, 02:42:49 PMHi StartingHealing,
It is so frustrating when something you've written somehow disappears - I know you have a long weekend coming up, and would like to wish you some enjoyable times, and hopefully some great fireworks to watch.
I hope that your back will cooperate and go back into place, and that your BP is ok.
Enjoy your long weekend.
Hope
It is so frustrating when something you've written somehow disappears - I know you have a long weekend coming up, and would like to wish you some enjoyable times, and hopefully some great fireworks to watch.
I hope that your back will cooperate and go back into place, and that your BP is ok.
Enjoy your long weekend.
Hope
#10
Recovery Journals / Re: Healing journal (tw) Anger...
Last post by StartingHealing - July 03, 2025, 01:15:30 AMJuly 2 2025
I had a whole thing I was going to write and poof! Guess maybe that means I should just wing it? Long weekend ahead which is nice. Not really gonna go anywhere or do anything. I do have some steaks tho. I think I have a pair of binoculars if I want to see the various municipalities fireworks. At the moment I'm enjoying a nice tipple and considering what else I should / need to do this evening.
My mentor mentioned that another layer {lordy I hope it's more than one} of that onion peeled off. Frustrated with disparate things, like the hanging situation in regards to former spouse and alimony. She could go back into court to demand more $$. The other section of that is I co-signed on a car with her 1st born. Which I think.. well without going back through my older posts, lets just say he has a LOT of his momma in him. While his momma is active BPD [at least], he's more of the quiet type. Many of the same behaviors which has not held him in good stead. He's got him a gf and moved in with her in a different state. The bozo is .. hang on have to math .. 40 this year. Seems in some ways as a continuation of f-ery from the former spouse because she was the one that pressured me into co-signing for that digit. I could go in to my bank and refi that rig today no problem. Him on the other hand.. yeah playing the victim doesn't work real well with financial matters. ahem. Long long long history of bad decisions. He's also "moving" in stages. which really chafes.
Then add in the realization of the crapola I went through as a wee one with the whole situation around that...
I know that I will get through. I do pretty good at keeping my air addiction going. It will get better.
Wishing all here all the best
Then, there is f-ery from work. In Nov 2024, big meeting, had folks from high up in the org, let us know that the plan is to shut down the site in X months yada, yada, yada, they then offered me retention pay, paid quarterly after the quarter was over, with the understanding that I would ride the thing into the ground. Basically I'd be almost the last one out. Fine, I'm taking the $$$ which basically makes up for the alimony that is garnished from my regular check. So that's good equalization there. Then another meeting last week (no higher ups) in which the shut down got extended for another 9 months. Tell me you don't know what your doing without telling me you don't know what your doing. Sheesh.
Then there is what I believe to be the physical aftereffects of the stress / strain that I was under from the former spouse. Speaking of I prolly should check my BP again. My back is still not cooperating in going back into place and staying there. Next year I will have outlived my genetic parents by a decade. How's that for messed up? Yeah well, maternal drank herself to death and paternal all that I can find is heart issues. Course back in the late 1960's didn't have the forensics that exists today on the actual cause for the paternal burning in as early as he did. According the information I have access to, both his parent's lived well into their 90's, and he was maybe 1/2 way there.
I had a whole thing I was going to write and poof! Guess maybe that means I should just wing it? Long weekend ahead which is nice. Not really gonna go anywhere or do anything. I do have some steaks tho. I think I have a pair of binoculars if I want to see the various municipalities fireworks. At the moment I'm enjoying a nice tipple and considering what else I should / need to do this evening.
My mentor mentioned that another layer {lordy I hope it's more than one} of that onion peeled off. Frustrated with disparate things, like the hanging situation in regards to former spouse and alimony. She could go back into court to demand more $$. The other section of that is I co-signed on a car with her 1st born. Which I think.. well without going back through my older posts, lets just say he has a LOT of his momma in him. While his momma is active BPD [at least], he's more of the quiet type. Many of the same behaviors which has not held him in good stead. He's got him a gf and moved in with her in a different state. The bozo is .. hang on have to math .. 40 this year. Seems in some ways as a continuation of f-ery from the former spouse because she was the one that pressured me into co-signing for that digit. I could go in to my bank and refi that rig today no problem. Him on the other hand.. yeah playing the victim doesn't work real well with financial matters. ahem. Long long long history of bad decisions. He's also "moving" in stages. which really chafes.
Then add in the realization of the crapola I went through as a wee one with the whole situation around that...
I know that I will get through. I do pretty good at keeping my air addiction going. It will get better.
Wishing all here all the best
Then, there is f-ery from work. In Nov 2024, big meeting, had folks from high up in the org, let us know that the plan is to shut down the site in X months yada, yada, yada, they then offered me retention pay, paid quarterly after the quarter was over, with the understanding that I would ride the thing into the ground. Basically I'd be almost the last one out. Fine, I'm taking the $$$ which basically makes up for the alimony that is garnished from my regular check. So that's good equalization there. Then another meeting last week (no higher ups) in which the shut down got extended for another 9 months. Tell me you don't know what your doing without telling me you don't know what your doing. Sheesh.
Then there is what I believe to be the physical aftereffects of the stress / strain that I was under from the former spouse. Speaking of I prolly should check my BP again. My back is still not cooperating in going back into place and staying there. Next year I will have outlived my genetic parents by a decade. How's that for messed up? Yeah well, maternal drank herself to death and paternal all that I can find is heart issues. Course back in the late 1960's didn't have the forensics that exists today on the actual cause for the paternal burning in as early as he did. According the information I have access to, both his parent's lived well into their 90's, and he was maybe 1/2 way there.