Recent posts
#1
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi everyone
Last post by Teddy bear - Today at 06:08:49 PMThanks NarcKiddo and Kizzie,
Unfortunately in my country of origin and current residence is almost impossible to find a such specialist.
So I am looking online now (as noted in my another post re psychosis). Any recommendations are very welcome
Unfortunately in my country of origin and current residence is almost impossible to find a such specialist.
So I am looking online now (as noted in my another post re psychosis). Any recommendations are very welcome
#2
Other / Re: Psychosis as a result of t...
Last post by Teddy bear - Today at 06:00:53 PMHey Kizzie, thanks for your clarification 🤝
Also I am searching now for a trauma-informed psychiatrist/psychotherapist, if someone can recommend a specialist dealing with psychosis, tapering and cPTSD, I would be very grateful.
(My budget is quite restricted now.)
Also I am searching now for a trauma-informed psychiatrist/psychotherapist, if someone can recommend a specialist dealing with psychosis, tapering and cPTSD, I would be very grateful.
(My budget is quite restricted now.)
#3
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: Disillusionment and collap...
Last post by NarcKiddo - Today at 05:45:32 PMI've been through the disillusionment with a parent. Well, with both, actually. But I think the one that maybe is more similar to your situation is with my F, though I was never enmeshed with him nor did he feel loving or regulating. I was enmeshed with my M for years but never actively thought her loving or regulating. She was all I knew and my world had to be her world.
Why I think the situation with my F may be more similar is because he did seem solid and good. My mother said he was when she wasn't railing against him for being cold and distant. And she always said he was a dutiful father. As I gradually became aware of the issues with my M I concluded my F was the classic enabler. Maybe weak, therefore, but basically solid and a good citizen. It may have stayed there except as I discussed more of my FOO life with my T she made a casual remark that made me realise my F is a full-blown narc, too.
I found that realisation to be surprisingly de-stabilising given I had never relied on him for anything much, although I did see him as an example to follow, I guess. My mother puts him on a pedestal and only she is allowed to say different. By this time I had been in therapy a while and was starting to develop some sense that internal safety might exist and is certainly something I should aspire to. But the realisation about my F was a fundamental change to something I had believed.
I think it takes its own time for the nervous system to deal with such a shift. What has helped me is trying to be clear-eyed about what my F is versus what I thought. Because I am still in contact with FOO I am able to observe his behaviour now and really analyse it. To see what is just a mask - which is a heck of a lot.
It does feel something like an abandonment, even though it was I who came to realise a truth rather than he who abandoned me.
Another similar experience that has just come to mind is with a predator who groomed me as a young teen. I was in love with him and only realised in the last few years what he actually was. Although I immediately despised the man he was, I still found myself mourning the man who did not actually exist. The one I thought I loved, and who I thought loved me. It felt like a bereavement. So maybe, as you find your own regulation in the face of your realisation, it would be helpful to treat your situation as a bereavement. Whatever level of internal safety you do or don't feel you have, you still have to learn to navigate life without the existence of someone who had been there, even if only in your own head. Maybe that will at least help you to understand, and be kind to, the feelings of being lost and crying without obvious reason.
Take care while you navigate this.
Why I think the situation with my F may be more similar is because he did seem solid and good. My mother said he was when she wasn't railing against him for being cold and distant. And she always said he was a dutiful father. As I gradually became aware of the issues with my M I concluded my F was the classic enabler. Maybe weak, therefore, but basically solid and a good citizen. It may have stayed there except as I discussed more of my FOO life with my T she made a casual remark that made me realise my F is a full-blown narc, too.
I found that realisation to be surprisingly de-stabilising given I had never relied on him for anything much, although I did see him as an example to follow, I guess. My mother puts him on a pedestal and only she is allowed to say different. By this time I had been in therapy a while and was starting to develop some sense that internal safety might exist and is certainly something I should aspire to. But the realisation about my F was a fundamental change to something I had believed.
I think it takes its own time for the nervous system to deal with such a shift. What has helped me is trying to be clear-eyed about what my F is versus what I thought. Because I am still in contact with FOO I am able to observe his behaviour now and really analyse it. To see what is just a mask - which is a heck of a lot.
It does feel something like an abandonment, even though it was I who came to realise a truth rather than he who abandoned me.
Another similar experience that has just come to mind is with a predator who groomed me as a young teen. I was in love with him and only realised in the last few years what he actually was. Although I immediately despised the man he was, I still found myself mourning the man who did not actually exist. The one I thought I loved, and who I thought loved me. It felt like a bereavement. So maybe, as you find your own regulation in the face of your realisation, it would be helpful to treat your situation as a bereavement. Whatever level of internal safety you do or don't feel you have, you still have to learn to navigate life without the existence of someone who had been there, even if only in your own head. Maybe that will at least help you to understand, and be kind to, the feelings of being lost and crying without obvious reason.
Take care while you navigate this.
#4
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: Disillusionment and collap...
Last post by Kizzie - Today at 04:56:41 PMI'm so sorry to hear this BB. Just my thoughts here but the fact that you know you have borrowed regulation to me sounds like you know what is the problem and by facing it and the pain and fear you are on the road out the other side.
I say from experience that some of my most painful moments came from seeing clearly what I had lost in my life, what I could not depend upon, and what I had to do to carry on. Looking at that led to looking at myself clearly, with compassion and shushing the negative voices. Slowly I came to realize I could depend on myself. Fear and pain became a feeling of freedom and trust in myself, however wobbly at first.
I hope this is helpful
I say from experience that some of my most painful moments came from seeing clearly what I had lost in my life, what I could not depend upon, and what I had to do to carry on. Looking at that led to looking at myself clearly, with compassion and shushing the negative voices. Slowly I came to realize I could depend on myself. Fear and pain became a feeling of freedom and trust in myself, however wobbly at first.
I hope this is helpful
#5
Other / Re: Psychosis as a result of t...
Last post by Kizzie - Today at 04:44:57 PMHey Teddy Bear, not to worry about asking for feedback about experiences of psychosis and neuroleptics. As I mentioned in my response to another of your posts, psychosis can be comorbid with CPTSD, so it makes sense to ask about it here.
I'm afraid I haven't had any instances of psychosis, but I just want to let you know it's OK to ask.
I'm afraid I haven't had any instances of psychosis, but I just want to let you know it's OK to ask.
#6
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi everyone
Last post by Kizzie - Today at 04:41:01 PMHi Teddy Bear and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm 
From what I've read CPTSD and psychosis often overlap (e.g., https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11496218/) although it's likely not all healthcare professionals know this. There is a tendency to discount childhood trauma, as though we should have just gotten over it, not realizing it's lasting impact.
I hope you're able to find a therapist who does understand this as it goes a long way to have validation and focused treatment.
From what I've read CPTSD and psychosis often overlap (e.g., https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11496218/) although it's likely not all healthcare professionals know this. There is a tendency to discount childhood trauma, as though we should have just gotten over it, not realizing it's lasting impact.
I hope you're able to find a therapist who does understand this as it goes a long way to have validation and focused treatment.
#7
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Disillusionment and collapse a...
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 04:40:30 PMI'm trying to put words to something I'm in the middle of and would really value hearing from others who might recognize this.
What happens when someone doesn't (yet) have a solid sense of self, self-worth, or internal safety, and then becomes disillusioned about the one parent or relationship that felt loving and regulating? When it becomes clear that the safety was borrowed, conditional, and came at the cost of self-erasure?
For me, that realization has landed in my nervous system as a kind of free fall. The structure that kept me functioning is gone, and there isn't an internal one in place (yet?). I find myself curled up in bed, unable to get up, feeling lost, crying without knowing exactly about what.
If you've been through this phase, where borrowed regulation collapses before internal safety exists, what helped? What comes after this part?
I'm not looking for fixes, just orientation and shared experience. Right now it feels like I am without anchors or a ground to stand on.
Thank you for reading.
What happens when someone doesn't (yet) have a solid sense of self, self-worth, or internal safety, and then becomes disillusioned about the one parent or relationship that felt loving and regulating? When it becomes clear that the safety was borrowed, conditional, and came at the cost of self-erasure?
For me, that realization has landed in my nervous system as a kind of free fall. The structure that kept me functioning is gone, and there isn't an internal one in place (yet?). I find myself curled up in bed, unable to get up, feeling lost, crying without knowing exactly about what.
If you've been through this phase, where borrowed regulation collapses before internal safety exists, what helped? What comes after this part?
I'm not looking for fixes, just orientation and shared experience. Right now it feels like I am without anchors or a ground to stand on.
Thank you for reading.
#8
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New-ish
Last post by Dalloway - Today at 01:59:04 PMHannahOne, a very warm welcome, I´m glad you´re here. Your post resonates with me very much, especially the grieving of the things you never had because of the trauma. I´m struggling with this very much right know, I just can´t seem to let go of all the "what ifs" I carry with myself. But I try to be understanding and patient towards myself and "trust the process". I hope you´ll find all the support you need here.
#9
General Discussion / Re: Writing about the trauma: ...
Last post by Saluki - Today at 01:56:52 PMIt's kind of weird that I started talking (completely inappropriately and annoyingly to most people) and whilst my silence scared people off as a child, my verbal diarrhoea scared people off as an adult. I still just randomly rant away to myself. It doesn't matter if anyone listens. Okay, sometimes it does.
I wish my daughter would go for an autism assessment and just accept the help she needs.
It really upsets me that she's desperate not to be autistic, because there's nothing wrong with being autistic and I think it would help her learn to be okay in the world if she had a better explanation than just (self diagnosed) CPTSD. I'm sure CPTSD is not the only thing.
Anyway there's another change of subject!
I need to learn not to procrastinate because I'm wasting my life.
I should write the book in my head.
It's about a teenage girl with a crazy weird family who goes out taking drugs and drinking and ends up pregnant working in a pole dancing club and her mother reacting in a "oh well done, you're so clever" way when the whole time she's being sex trafficked and abused. I want to show the weird dynamic between the daughter who's crying out for help and the mother who's trying to see the positives in everything where there really are none. Kind of the opposite of my mother in an extreme way, but with the same results.
I wish my daughter would go for an autism assessment and just accept the help she needs.
It really upsets me that she's desperate not to be autistic, because there's nothing wrong with being autistic and I think it would help her learn to be okay in the world if she had a better explanation than just (self diagnosed) CPTSD. I'm sure CPTSD is not the only thing.
Anyway there's another change of subject!
I need to learn not to procrastinate because I'm wasting my life.
I should write the book in my head.
It's about a teenage girl with a crazy weird family who goes out taking drugs and drinking and ends up pregnant working in a pole dancing club and her mother reacting in a "oh well done, you're so clever" way when the whole time she's being sex trafficked and abused. I want to show the weird dynamic between the daughter who's crying out for help and the mother who's trying to see the positives in everything where there really are none. Kind of the opposite of my mother in an extreme way, but with the same results.
#10
General Discussion / Re: Writing about the trauma: ...
Last post by Saluki - Today at 01:47:02 PMYou captured exactly the thing that puts me off, Dalloway-
I want there to be a "happy ending"- that "I am okay now" but it's ongoing and it's never complete.
You know, Maya Angelou's autobiographies were the first books I read that I really identified with. I thought, oh my goodness, this woman is amazing - she went through all that nightmare and came out the other end a famous author - but of course, her story was still ongoing... four volumes were just part of her life, what she chose to share. But I feel a bit like a nobody who does nothing and fears everything.
I just watched a very short documentary on Netflix about an autistic girl, "Makayla's Voice A Letter to the World"
And I just cried all the way through it. Because she's got a loving family around her and when I was silent/non verbal/mute, nobody helped me. They just said I was naughty and needed to stop daydreaming and stop staring into space and "pull my socks up" ffs what is wrong with those people? I'm glad our world is more understanding of autism these days. I'm pretty sure I'm autistic and nobody ever noticed or cared.
Maybe that's what my book should be about.
"Nobody ever noticed".
I wasn't non verbal with my parents or selected friends, just with most people, but because I *could talk* that was seen as me just being stubborn and rude. They couldn't have been more wrong. Also I couldn't communicate feelings. Only by having tantrums. Again, bad behaviour. I don't have tantrums any more. Not since I escaped evil ex husband.
I want there to be a "happy ending"- that "I am okay now" but it's ongoing and it's never complete.
You know, Maya Angelou's autobiographies were the first books I read that I really identified with. I thought, oh my goodness, this woman is amazing - she went through all that nightmare and came out the other end a famous author - but of course, her story was still ongoing... four volumes were just part of her life, what she chose to share. But I feel a bit like a nobody who does nothing and fears everything.
I just watched a very short documentary on Netflix about an autistic girl, "Makayla's Voice A Letter to the World"
And I just cried all the way through it. Because she's got a loving family around her and when I was silent/non verbal/mute, nobody helped me. They just said I was naughty and needed to stop daydreaming and stop staring into space and "pull my socks up" ffs what is wrong with those people? I'm glad our world is more understanding of autism these days. I'm pretty sure I'm autistic and nobody ever noticed or cared.
Maybe that's what my book should be about.
"Nobody ever noticed".
I wasn't non verbal with my parents or selected friends, just with most people, but because I *could talk* that was seen as me just being stubborn and rude. They couldn't have been more wrong. Also I couldn't communicate feelings. Only by having tantrums. Again, bad behaviour. I don't have tantrums any more. Not since I escaped evil ex husband.