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Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal
« Last post by Wattlebird on Today at 08:42:19 PM »
Ok I know I keep writing every few hrs, I'm just trying to keep on track mentally, I did some gardening in the sunshine  :sunny: , washed the floor, washed the clothes and sheets changed the bed, cleaned out my van, checked up on surf conditions by driving around some beaches watched some surfing for a while and it's only lunch time argh
How to keep busy and distract myself for the rest of the day.
I could go for a swim, clean the Windows, cook dinner, walk the dogs again, I need to keep active, ow I should meditate again too ok got a plan for a while  :sharkbait:
Recovery Journals / Re: Elpha's new adventure
« Last post by Elphanigh on Today at 08:41:36 PM »
Starting an even newer limb of emdr next week. We laid ground work and discussed it heavily in session today. I am always glad that we chat and she explains the intellectual bits to me because she has figured out thatís how my brain needs to first conceptulize things to make decisions. I am excited for the new adventure and have been drawing connects in my brain all night. I love it, and it is a great sign this new bit of healing really resonates with what I need.

I also got some added validation today, think I needed the boost today just as reassurance I am choosing the right time to make this journey. It often looks from the outside like I am sitting very still at the moment, because I am not moving cities or striving after some very visible goal or degree etc. I am choosing to focus on healing and becoming the best version of myself. That means a lot of energy is being sent inward, and that I havenít made decisions for careers and things. I recognize now that I donít have to. I am doing thing in my own rhythm and I am lucky to be at a stage where I can heal so early.

My T told me today she forgets I am only 24, not because I look older (actually look younger *sigh*) but because of how much work I have done and put in. That She was so in awe and excited to know I would have the rest of my life in this better place because all the work I have done. It was a really sweet moment, can tell she has come to care for me and have hope in me more than I realized previously.

She used to tell me similar things when I first started with her, because I did put in a lot of work even by myself as a teenager when I could see the damage and read books about PTSD and abuse. I drew lines and connections all over the place even when I was still being actively abused in an environment that would have preferred that I didnít find those connections. I just needed someone to fill in blanks, and help build the foundation with all the crap I had learned and observed. I got really lucky, but also made such a conscious decision to be doing this. I searched for someone that would fit and be those missing pieces. I amchoosing to pause and put some other thing straight on hold so when I go forward it will be from a place of authenticity that I know is fully me. It wonít be the voices of my past both far and recent.

I spent the first twenty, really 22 years of my life in some form of abuse (minor into the later ones) and I am sitting here truly feeling like I am out of that. I can say I havenít had anyone abusive in my life in a year. That I havenít allowed it, and never will again. I have worked so hard to get to a point where that was my truth and it is. I got dealt some really awful cards in life, but I have hope for some better ones now. I am for once proud of myself for pausing and taking the time in my life to do this, for not getting stuck on the doctorate track and ignoring my own well being in the process.

I am more writing this for the days I donít feel that way. For the days I wish to not be sitting still and learning about emotions and spending time in my own head rooting through traumas and how they affect me now. I donít always like sittings still watching my peers shake and move, but at the moment I recognize itís value. I see the giant movement inside that not a lot of people get to see.

Anyways, thank you for letting me share and being such an instrumental part of all of this in the last year. Not sure where I would have been without people here many times.. canít imagine it any other way.
Recovery Journals / Re: BeHea1thy's Journal
« Last post by Jdog on Today at 04:39:46 PM »
Good self reflective work on your part!   :cheer:
Recovery Journals / Re: Wattlebirds journal
« Last post by Wattlebird on Today at 04:31:54 PM »
I've been for a lovely walk this morning soaking in the beautiful views of nature here where I live, I believe I live in one of the most beautiful places on earth. I'm sure loads of people from all sorts of places believe this as well so could be anywhere. I'm going to meditate for a while and do some gardening I think
Hi Plantsandworms I joined this today because I have been struggling with these feelings of self worth and asking is it worth it? It's so difficult to convey that sort of pain and why the symptoms of C-PTSD rear it's head whenever it wants to. I often isolate because when you are alone you don't have to explain symptoms, or most importantly, when you are alone you are in control and no one can hurt you. I have lived like this for a very long time and the loneliness is starting to make its mark. I have been taking small steps and actions and confiding with not only my  husband, but with in-laws and friends about what this diagnosis means. When you have been abused and neglected those feelings like self worth, meaning, and value seem non existent. But I have to believe. i have to know that there is the other side of C-PTSD, where it is an aspect of yourself instead of controlling and defining all that you are.  The bad days hurt, so please treat yourself with compassion and kindness. I wish I had wiser words to impart, but at the very least there are groups, professionals, peers, and friends that can assist you till those better days get here. My experience has been that the strength to recover requires a lot, but the strength that was demanded of us to endure the pain has prepared the abused to conquer anything.  Love & Compassion
Recovery Journals / Re: JDog's Journal
« Last post by BeHea1thy on Today at 04:07:51 PM »
Recovery Journals / Re: BeHea1thy's Journal
« Last post by BeHea1thy on Today at 04:06:58 PM »
I have taken action on my ambivalence and mailed off (what I hope to be) the last letter of this year~hopefully longer.  :applause:

A while ago I realized that continually agonizing over "solving" a relationship problem for weeks on end was only perpetuating and prolonging my unease. I also know that I can't "solve" problems with other people but only gain clarity for myself with what I will or will not tolerate, endure, or engage in. The biggest obstacle of all is to be willing to hunker down, think in detail and get specific and objective. I almost talked myself into sending a letter which was light on narrative and strong on hiding behind intuition. The only way to handle difficulties is through. The added advantage is that the cyclical nature of life will probably not bring this to me again and again if I can address it comprehensively now.

Yes, there are pluses and minuses in this game of life and in family relationships. The positive side of continuing a weak, impaired dynamic was surprising. I could cast myself as my ideal self. I could embrace my superior attitude to be a peace-keeper, to be condescending and tell myself how much better I was and how much farther I'd come.  I could avoid the toxic doubt of comparing myself to my F, who by virtue of his belligerence and selfishness was responsible for fracturing family relationships for 3 generations. No, I would not be in the same category as he was, even though I was different. I would work tirelessly to prove that no what what sicknesses were suffered by either sibling, I would rise above it, and benevolently reign from the throne of tolerance. I would continue what I'd been primed to do my whole life, take care of other's feelings, At the expense of my own. Gee, that sounds awfully familiar. :blink:

Finally a different, stronger voice emerged. HEY! What the...? Wasn't life more that figuring out ways to see myself as better, more tolerant and a caretaker? What about caring for myself?!  :doh:

Oh yeah, I remember now. OK. So getting down to brass tacks. Is it worth it to knowingly engage with an alcoholic and expect anything uplifting, positive, growth enhancing and spiritually viable? Can the same be said for a chronic drug user, albeit marginally functional? Is it reasonable to expect that a chronic lack of self-care, general emotional instability, self sabotaging choices will generate a solid respectful foundation for a reciprocal relationship? And the answer is..........NO.

And wonderfully, at the time of writing, jdog has posted words of wisdom which are spot on!

it is ok to let go of painful situations, and that, although it might be great to connect with your nephew that relationship could never exist in a complete vacuum.

Things may or may not change with your family dynamics, but itís not all entirely on your shoulders.

I agree totally! Thanks for the reminders and input.
Recovery Journals / Re: BeHea1thy's Journal
« Last post by Jdog on Today at 03:56:50 PM »

As an only child, I canít pretend to understand hat the dynamics of your sibling relationships feel lik, but do want to remind you that it is ok to let go of painful situations, and that, although it might be great to connect with your nephew that relationship could never exist in a complete vacuum.

You are such a noble warrior.  Be gentle with yourself.  Things may or may not change with your family dynamics, but itís not all entirely on your shoulders. 

Sending  :hug:
Recovery Journals / Re: JDog's Journal
« Last post by Jdog on Today at 03:49:32 PM »

Thanks- I think I am keeping the stitches clean and supple - they are protected by a bandage that lets no germs in....will check it later today. 


Thanks for the support!,
Greetings SharpAndBlunt,

Welcome to the forum  :wave:

I am hopeful that by reading and educating my way out of this I can have a future.
Learning about CPTSD helps to clarify what you feel and experience. It's tricky when the diagnosis is accepted in some parts of the world, but not others. Recognizing all the signposts can be in an odd way comforting, even in the midst of continuing trials and stress.

There are a lot of ways to come "out" of CPTSD; supportive forums, family (?) and friends. There is an internal  commitment to change your thinking and your life. This happens day by day, at it's slow measured pace. The most important part of this journey is being "present" to yourself.

I struggled with "hair trigger dissociation" as well and often thought it was normal, until a PhD pointed out it was not. Over time, learning to tolerate painful feelings, develop new coping strategies and distract myself in healthy ways led me out of it. Every effort you make to learn and practice new behaviors will be worth it.

Isolation is a familiar "go-to" strategy for me. While it makes sense temporarily, taking a longer view and a bigger picture will  mean that small steps into community and relationships will be most helpful. This can be done right here, within the forum and you won't have to explain too much because we all have lived through much the same experiences.

I hope you find exactly what you need, and your belief in yourself will continue to grow as you find out that healing is possible.   
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