Recent posts
#1
Going Low/No Contact with Familial Abusers / complex feelings on estrangeme...
Last post by lowbudgetTV - Today at 09:08:05 PMWith recent events in regard to my family, I have felt triggered by the presence of the Holidays.
In the shortest explanation possible, I've been thinking of my very complex situation (though, most situations with relationships are going to be complex and not "textbook"...)
CW: illness, dementia, usual parental CPTSD stuff mentions...?
My mother haunts my waking moments, and on occasion my sleeping moments too. I hold no capacity for love for her anymore. I don't really want anything to do with her. Of course, that being said, I feel immense pity and understanding for someone to be so stuck in misery. It makes me sad. I would not want to become like her. I don't believe in her capacity to change. She is also ill, and will be until she dies, and she is in her 60s. Before I cut off modes of communication, her cancer was often used as guilt. I never felt pity for her plight in turn, because the guilt filled me with rage and resentment, for I was neglected throughout my entire life.
However, what I have been feeling recently is for my father. I do love my dad. He feels like a flawed human being while my mother in my mind is a monster I have detached from. I feel guilt for having to abandon him because they still are married/live together. However, I keep trying to disassociate from this guilt by thinking of his clearly existant dementia.
The dementia is a layered thing. My mother refuses to get him treatment or diagnosed because if he does have a condition, she's afraid she'll have no one to take care of her. My father is also a retired first responder career (probably has PTSD; we all agree) and is a super bad alcoholic. In regards to that, I will never sleep in the same building with him due to a bad experience. I am so angry at my mother for telling me her "inability" to help him because of her predicament, because the alcohol+mental issues is going to get someone killed! She used to... I don't know, trauma-dump talk-at-me about this fact? "Your father is going to kill someone one day! Oh well! I need to get to chemo."
Not to be political (and I won't go into details nor proselytize) but with family issues in this sad age there oft tends to be a political element, so I also feel a pit within me knowing she angrily argued with me and votes against her own needs due to hatred of others. Never her fault, always someone else's--such is the inability to reflect in these abusive people.
Yet here we are, my father, flawed as he is and still complicit in my upbringing, and I feel so evil for being powerless. I cannot bare the torment of my mother any longer. I have nothing I can do to help my father. They are stuck within their own monsoon of misery. I can't be there with them because I have tens and tens of more years left in me and I need to live. But I can still feel bad for my poor, beloved dad, because I also care for the ill people all over who have no resources or respect... I only hope I am not lost one day.
How do you cope with this complex problem? To help yourself, it feels as if you must hurt the ones you love?
In the shortest explanation possible, I've been thinking of my very complex situation (though, most situations with relationships are going to be complex and not "textbook"...)
CW: illness, dementia, usual parental CPTSD stuff mentions...?
My mother haunts my waking moments, and on occasion my sleeping moments too. I hold no capacity for love for her anymore. I don't really want anything to do with her. Of course, that being said, I feel immense pity and understanding for someone to be so stuck in misery. It makes me sad. I would not want to become like her. I don't believe in her capacity to change. She is also ill, and will be until she dies, and she is in her 60s. Before I cut off modes of communication, her cancer was often used as guilt. I never felt pity for her plight in turn, because the guilt filled me with rage and resentment, for I was neglected throughout my entire life.
However, what I have been feeling recently is for my father. I do love my dad. He feels like a flawed human being while my mother in my mind is a monster I have detached from. I feel guilt for having to abandon him because they still are married/live together. However, I keep trying to disassociate from this guilt by thinking of his clearly existant dementia.
The dementia is a layered thing. My mother refuses to get him treatment or diagnosed because if he does have a condition, she's afraid she'll have no one to take care of her. My father is also a retired first responder career (probably has PTSD; we all agree) and is a super bad alcoholic. In regards to that, I will never sleep in the same building with him due to a bad experience. I am so angry at my mother for telling me her "inability" to help him because of her predicament, because the alcohol+mental issues is going to get someone killed! She used to... I don't know, trauma-dump talk-at-me about this fact? "Your father is going to kill someone one day! Oh well! I need to get to chemo."
Not to be political (and I won't go into details nor proselytize) but with family issues in this sad age there oft tends to be a political element, so I also feel a pit within me knowing she angrily argued with me and votes against her own needs due to hatred of others. Never her fault, always someone else's--such is the inability to reflect in these abusive people.
Yet here we are, my father, flawed as he is and still complicit in my upbringing, and I feel so evil for being powerless. I cannot bare the torment of my mother any longer. I have nothing I can do to help my father. They are stuck within their own monsoon of misery. I can't be there with them because I have tens and tens of more years left in me and I need to live. But I can still feel bad for my poor, beloved dad, because I also care for the ill people all over who have no resources or respect... I only hope I am not lost one day.
How do you cope with this complex problem? To help yourself, it feels as if you must hurt the ones you love?
#2
Announcements / Re: This Time of Year
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 06:25:17 PMThank you, Kizzie. That reminder really matters, especially at this time of year. Having found this community and knowing it's okay to reach out makes a real difference. 💛 
#3
Recovery Journals / Re: Marcine’s journaling forwa...
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 06:21:17 PMWhat you wrote feels very honest about the cost of getting free, not just the triumph. I appreciate that a lot.
I especially resonated with how survival required so much self-erasure, and how exhausting that fight was. Seeing you name the scars and the ground gained helps me hold both as real.
I'm not as far along yet, but reading this still mattered. I'm glad you shared it, and I'm glad you're here - scars and all.
I especially resonated with how survival required so much self-erasure, and how exhausting that fight was. Seeing you name the scars and the ground gained helps me hold both as real.
I'm not as far along yet, but reading this still mattered. I'm glad you shared it, and I'm glad you're here - scars and all.
#4
Announcements / Re: This Time of Year
Last post by Chart - Today at 05:08:05 PMThank you, Kizzie. It helps so much having Oots here and knowing this group is part of my community.
#5
Family / Re: Left out
Last post by Chart - Today at 05:06:04 PMBeautifully expressed, Gromit. Thank you, you have given me much food for thought in a situation very close to my own circumstances.
Gromit. Thank you, you have given me much food for thought in a situation very close to my own circumstances. #6
Announcements / This Time of Year
Last post by Kizzie - Today at 04:57:15 PMThis time of year can be really difficult for survivors so I wanted to say that you do have a community here at Out of the Storm, peers who do understand and are behind you. You are not alone and I hope if you are struggling you will reach out and let us send some support and care your way.
#7
Family / Re: Left out
Last post by Kizzie - Today at 04:51:52 PMI'm with The Big Blue, bravo for waiting and then responding versus reacting! what you wrote captured the essence of what you went through. I hope it is received as such but of course there is no telling how others will react. What matters most (IMO) is that we speak for ourselves and honour how we feel.
Kizzie
Kizzie
#8
Recovery Journals / Re: Marcine’s journaling forwa...
Last post by Chart - Today at 04:51:06 PMHey Marcine, your story makes me think... mine was reciprocal love... "I'll do x for you but then you'll do y for me..." Every "service" had a price. 57 years later I finally identified much of the same functioning within myself and the relationships I'd established around me... the recognition was hard. This realization of a programing-pattern moved me rapidly to pure nausea. I woke up to a toxic tradition I carried with a scream. And I'm deeply proud to say I stopped doing it in the instant it was identified (or almost).
Marcine, I think we are all incredibly strong-willed. Just give us the freedom to "see" and we engage. Change is good, a darn nice habit to encourage.
Marcine, I think we are all incredibly strong-willed. Just give us the freedom to "see" and we engage. Change is good, a darn nice habit to encourage.
#9
Other / Re: Our Healing Porch Part 8
Last post by Chart - Today at 04:14:02 PMHey BB, I'm certain the wood fires we start here never go out. It is indeed a magical place. I'm gonna meditate awhile while my kids play with their new presents. The fire's really nice.
#10
Sexual Abuse / Re: Self-abandonment since CSA
Last post by Chart - Today at 04:08:57 PMQuote from: DD on December 24, 2025, 10:07:36 AMThis is the breakthrough I made this Christmas. I vowed to myself to keep myself safe. I'm done serving others at the expense of myself. I've done enough. I will participate and learn to handle safe and mutual relationships that honor the boundaries and resources of both.
Absolutely DD, beautifully expressed.
Happy Holidays to yo too.