Recent posts
#2
Friends / Re: Dropping Everyone Like Fli...
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 03:34:57 AMHi Blueberry,
I hear so much tenderness and conflict in what you wrote. That push-pull between longing for connection and needing distance is something so many of us with CPTSD know well. It makes complete sense that you're withdrawing - shame, exhaustion, and shutdown aren't choices, they're nervous-system states. And noticing others' unhealthy behavior isn't you being "picky"; it's your trauma history protecting you from more hurt.
Feeling lonely and unable to tolerate certain people is a sign of how hard you've worked to survive. You're not dropping people; you're trying to stay safe in the only ways your system knows how. I'm really glad you shared this. You're not alone with it.
I hear so much tenderness and conflict in what you wrote. That push-pull between longing for connection and needing distance is something so many of us with CPTSD know well. It makes complete sense that you're withdrawing - shame, exhaustion, and shutdown aren't choices, they're nervous-system states. And noticing others' unhealthy behavior isn't you being "picky"; it's your trauma history protecting you from more hurt.
Feeling lonely and unable to tolerate certain people is a sign of how hard you've worked to survive. You're not dropping people; you're trying to stay safe in the only ways your system knows how. I'm really glad you shared this. You're not alone with it.
#3
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Introduction
Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 03:14:35 AMHi and welcome. 
I'm really glad you found your way here, and I'm so sorry for how much you've had to carry on your own.
You're not alone here anymore. Many of us know what it's like to feel unheard for years and to finally discover the framework of CPTSD much later than we should have. I'm glad you have a therapist now who sees the trauma underneath everything. I hope being in this community gives you a small sense of connection.
I'm really glad you found your way here, and I'm so sorry for how much you've had to carry on your own.
You're not alone here anymore. Many of us know what it's like to feel unheard for years and to finally discover the framework of CPTSD much later than we should have. I'm glad you have a therapist now who sees the trauma underneath everything. I hope being in this community gives you a small sense of connection.
#4
Recovery Journals / Re: Ran's journey
Last post by Ran - Today at 12:59:00 AMPlease take care, when reading. I mention suicide and sexual abuse. Nothing hopefully graphic, just mentioning things.
There are things I do feel sorry about and think I could have handled these situations differently, but it's really hard, if no one hears you. It's like you're being invisible the same way you've always been and there is absolutely no one who cares about your side of things. You give others everything, yet don't get the same care back. It's like you don't exist. Might as well unalive as feeling worthless enough. Just someone to be used for others benefit. No one valued me for who I was and these patterns just keep repeating.
The only time where I actually felt like someone showed concern towards me was when I ended up having to talk to a self helpline person to report being worried about someone else's suicidality.
For me the events that caused CPTSD were childhood emotional neglect, sexual abuse and violence (alcohol consumption).
They affect me more than I want to admit due to these events feeling like less than what other people go through. It's why I react very strongly to different things and these reactions are beyond something I can control. I saw nightmares all the time and dissassociated since I was 5 years old up to 30 years old, when my identity crisis started. I was also frail due to poor health, because of genetics and spent alot of time in hospital, withouth my parents present. I think I have a memory block due to this about it, but I'm not there yet, where I can unravel it.
Some things feel like an imprint you carry around all the time. It's heavy, heavier than a thousand bricks on your shoulders. It tries to push you down, but you still keep trying and hoping and holding onto the little strings that gave you back your humanity.
There are things I do feel sorry about and think I could have handled these situations differently, but it's really hard, if no one hears you. It's like you're being invisible the same way you've always been and there is absolutely no one who cares about your side of things. You give others everything, yet don't get the same care back. It's like you don't exist. Might as well unalive as feeling worthless enough. Just someone to be used for others benefit. No one valued me for who I was and these patterns just keep repeating.
The only time where I actually felt like someone showed concern towards me was when I ended up having to talk to a self helpline person to report being worried about someone else's suicidality.
For me the events that caused CPTSD were childhood emotional neglect, sexual abuse and violence (alcohol consumption).
They affect me more than I want to admit due to these events feeling like less than what other people go through. It's why I react very strongly to different things and these reactions are beyond something I can control. I saw nightmares all the time and dissassociated since I was 5 years old up to 30 years old, when my identity crisis started. I was also frail due to poor health, because of genetics and spent alot of time in hospital, withouth my parents present. I think I have a memory block due to this about it, but I'm not there yet, where I can unravel it.
Some things feel like an imprint you carry around all the time. It's heavy, heavier than a thousand bricks on your shoulders. It tries to push you down, but you still keep trying and hoping and holding onto the little strings that gave you back your humanity.
#5
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New Member Intro
Last post by SelfReflectionPhobic - November 28, 2025, 11:46:56 PMThank you for the welcome Big Blue.
#6
Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...
Last post by Blueberry - November 28, 2025, 10:43:17 PMQuote from: Desert Flower on November 27, 2025, 08:08:47 AMI really just wanna hybernate.I really get this, DF!
to you. On the surface you seem to be dealing with more IRL than I am too. Tho I know that comparing isn't specially helpful, especially not towards myself in this instance. In fact, I have been doing a lot of hibernation recently.
#7
Friends / Re: Dropping Everyone Like Fli...
Last post by Blueberry - November 28, 2025, 10:34:23 PMI know this is a very old thread and also that Phoebes hasn't been around for a while. However it's easier for me to respond here than set up a new thread, tho if you happen to come back on Phoebes and want me to make a separate thread, just say so and I will!
Possibly my friends and acquaintances feel as if I'm dropping them like flies atm? I'm turning into a recluse partly due to shame about what I've made out of my life by this stage of the game, with that I often feel very different. 55 yo, can't work anymore, going on 80yo kind of thing. But feel too young to join in activities for seniors so hide at home.
I also find contacting people more strenuous than I used to and I do notice their character flaws / unhealthy behaviour emotionally-speaking. But maybe that's just 'normal' and I should put up with it to have some friends? Oh there's that 'should' again. But if I do put up with it for a while, I tend to go into shutdown. It's lonely here though. So, I no longer feel OK about dropping others like flies or them dropping me, or whatever is going on exactly. Tho otoh I do NOT like being with people who make assumptions about me, without knowing and without giving me a chance to say: "No. Not true." To be clear, I also notice my own unhealthy behaviour emotionally-speaking and my character flaws, but they seem a given for people around me, as in of course BB is all messed up.
Quote from: Blueberry on July 12, 2021, 05:10:27 PMI feel as if my friends are dropping me like fliesand I'm actually OK with that. If they think I'm that unhealthy emotionally-speaking without noticing their own character flaws...
Possibly my friends and acquaintances feel as if I'm dropping them like flies atm? I'm turning into a recluse partly due to shame about what I've made out of my life by this stage of the game, with that I often feel very different. 55 yo, can't work anymore, going on 80yo kind of thing. But feel too young to join in activities for seniors so hide at home.
I also find contacting people more strenuous than I used to and I do notice their character flaws / unhealthy behaviour emotionally-speaking. But maybe that's just 'normal' and I should put up with it to have some friends? Oh there's that 'should' again. But if I do put up with it for a while, I tend to go into shutdown. It's lonely here though. So, I no longer feel OK about dropping others like flies or them dropping me, or whatever is going on exactly. Tho otoh I do NOT like being with people who make assumptions about me, without knowing and without giving me a chance to say: "No. Not true." To be clear, I also notice my own unhealthy behaviour emotionally-speaking and my character flaws, but they seem a given for people around me, as in of course BB is all messed up.
#8
Eating Issues / Re: Why “Morbid Obesity” Still...
Last post by Blueberry - November 28, 2025, 09:48:42 PMThank you for bringing this up, TheBigBlue. Language does matter! Shaming us doesn't help, except to maybe help those who shame us. They can feel all healthy, and smug.
Kizzie, I appreciate the response of your son and his fellow students!
Kizzie, I appreciate the response of your son and his fellow students!
#9
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New Member Intro
Last post by TheBigBlue - November 28, 2025, 09:18:37 PMWelcome
I'm really glad you found this space. What you shared about trying to make sense of old patterns really resonated. Realizing that current struggles trace back to emotional abuse or neglect can feel clarifying and overwhelming at the same time. My own realization is fairly recent.
Growing up with a parent who was both hurting and hurtful, and another who couldn't protect you, leaves deep wounds and confusion about safety and self-worth. And the instinct to "push" yourself into healing is something many of us here know well - it's a survival strategy that's hard to unlearn.
Thank you for sharing. I hope this forum gives you the recognition, steadiness, and community you deserve.
I'm really glad you found this space. What you shared about trying to make sense of old patterns really resonated. Realizing that current struggles trace back to emotional abuse or neglect can feel clarifying and overwhelming at the same time. My own realization is fairly recent.
Growing up with a parent who was both hurting and hurtful, and another who couldn't protect you, leaves deep wounds and confusion about safety and self-worth. And the instinct to "push" yourself into healing is something many of us here know well - it's a survival strategy that's hard to unlearn.
Thank you for sharing. I hope this forum gives you the recognition, steadiness, and community you deserve.
#10
Please Introduce Yourself Here / New Member Intro
Last post by SelfReflectionPhobic - November 28, 2025, 09:03:29 PMGreetings, I am searching for answers as I try to address my current mental health issues which lead me to CPTSD. I wasn't sure if there were others out there, but searched and found this forum. For which I am grateful. I am starting to get a sense that my current behavior and struggles have steamed from some deeply seated emotional abuse and neglect. I am beginning to feel hopeless and doomed as I search for my "AH-HA" moment and awaken from ignorance. I chose the name because I feel like self reflection is a very necessary, yet seemingly impossible task for me to begin healing, moving forward, and freedom. When you were lead to believe you are a monster, deprived of any sense of self, looking within would surely be unsafe, regardless of what potentially good parts are there. Some of my memories are core wounds and I have done some therapy work. A lot of my childhood memories are unclear or forgotten. Briefly, I had a mother who was Bipolar I, handicapped and both verbally and emotionally abused and abusive. I had a father who was loving, yet passive when it came to protection. I am thankful my caregivers are no longer alive to reinforce the inherited behavior. I have been hospitalized 3 times in my life. Once at 14, once at 20, and once at 45. I am looking for resources for treatment. What also seems to be a challenge is that my MO is to try and force/bully myself into making positive change. Thank you for being present and sharing your stories.