Recent posts

#1

Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...

Last post by Desert Flower - Today at 10:45:38 AM

The flowers of the desert have to choose very carefully their moment to open and expose themselves to a consistently harsh environment. As such they are deeply, intrinsically wise. They know in their core of what the land, wind, and sun are creating around them. Season after season they learn and modify, testing, sometimes failing, sometimes closing up again to await better conditions. But even in difficulty, they are in union with themselves.

This must be the most beautiful, tender and true piece (peace) of recognition I ever received. I will cherish this. Thank you ever so much, dear Chart. Sending you peace and recognition and everything you need as well.

#2

RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Re: Re-traumatization activate...

Last post by DD - Today at 10:14:12 AM

You didn't. You said it well.

Intentions matter but do show themselves with how someone reacts to being told of the hurt. If the intentions are good and honest, there will be accountability, respect, and a change of behavior at least to some degree.

And yes, a lot of traumatized people don't hurt others. I've spent a long time and lots of effort to actively heal from the trauma and I've purposefully chosen to think kindly of others and if I find out I've hurt someone, it hurts me deeply and I try to make it right. No one is perfect. But some try actively to be good, and to fix what they broke by mistake. Others don't. And I think this is the clearest signal I will keep an eye out. How does the person react to being told things didn't go exactly perfectly.

#3

Sexual Abuse / Re: Self-abandonment since CSA

Last post by DD - Today at 10:07:36 AM

My mind also switches fast to fawn or freeze at the earliest sign of danger. I'm now learning to identify when I clock the signal and then trying to remove myself from the situation and not agreeing to anything. It's really hard as the instinct to freeze and/or fawn is so immediate.  It is hard to learn to trust the instincts survival needed me to ignore earlier.

I think here's the part where it finally starts to make sense that the person I had to become to survive is not the one that can take me further and I have to grieve her too. She did such a good job of carrying me all the way here through all she survived with such grace and tremendous strength. So she's allowed to rest now. I don't want to banish her or speak to her unkindly. She's been through enough. But she does not have to be the strong one anymore. She's allowed to put down her armor and rest. I've got all parts of me and I'll keep us safe.

This is the breakthrough I made this Christmas. I vowed to myself to keep myself safe. I'm done serving others at the expense of myself. I've done enough. I will participate and learn to handle safe and mutual relationships that honor the boundaries and resources of both. I wish everyone here a safe and happy Season where there is the least amount of light and most darkness but where the light increases a little each day going forward. 

#4

Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...

Last post by dollyvee - Today at 09:22:35 AM

These people remind me of something I haven't processed, apart from triggering deeply ingrained patterns. My contraction around this keeps happening because I haven't integrated enough of it. I'm not reacting to these people. I'm reacting to what's already within

What's interesting about this to me is that it doesn't seem like you allow yourself any validity to the fact that there might be some truth in what you were experiencing in the present moment for it to trigger the past stuff/reactions. That's not to say it's a complete overlay, but perhaps there were elements in that interaction that held a similar truth to what happened to you growing up? It's almost as if by discrediting it entirely, and putting it all on you (ie your projections/perhaps your "fault" etc), it is furthering isolation/lack of connection, which, of course, was likely the safe path, or protective growing up. I'm in no way saying this to blame etc, or that you're doing something wrong, but as a point that differed from my own experience in that moment and what worked for me.

I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but I have been seeing a NARM therapist for almost two years now, and I think it has been immensely more helpful in instilling a sense of agency and self than talk therapy. Yes, we are having things come up now, but I am finding that I am talking back (hhmmmm perhaps old stuff here with this word choice - speaking up might be better) when I feel like boundaries are crossed. I think it has done a lot to instill that sense of agency through breaking up those responses you talked about in the moment and reflecting on what is going on inside at the time (when perhaps there is a change of tone or expression). I think this is the experiential element you are talking about perhaps. She has also brought some validity to my responses to people ie that I'm not just imagining that these people don't have great intentions and could be "dubious." It also started to build a sense that I am not just imagining things all the time, that there was a sense of danger growing up, even though I was told I was loved etc; where that sense of self was not allowed to exist.

I also feel similarly about a lot, or perhaps most of what we do, being projection. The first few chapters of Tenzin Wengal Rinpoches's The Yogas of Dream and Sleep break down this concept of identity very well. In his practice, he believes that we have a lamp that lights us from within that casts the light or illuminates what is without. However, and I think this may be the fundamental difference, is that it doesn't mean we are disconnected. Everything comes, or stems from the Kunzhi where the paradox is that it is empty (the void), but not completely empty as everything stems from this primordial awareness. He also gave a great youtube talk about fear (which is also tied with identity) that I can find if you want, but again, and so so interestingly for me, is that he also terms this primordial space as The Great Mother, which is a space associated with "warmth, presence and well-being" -- that connection in aloneness that I think is so difficult for many of us. I have been working this out in my journal lately, and apologies if I took up some your journal to elaborate, but I think these are important things, or maybe nuances of what you're talking about.

Sending you support 

#5

The Cafe / Re: Good Things Christmas thre...

Last post by Chart - Today at 09:00:16 AM

Indeed, looking forward to a nice few days ahead. I explained to my kids that I didn't want to see my mother for the traditional Christmas video call. They both said no problemo and seemed to completely understand. So I'm pretty prepared and relaxed.

Wishing everyone here and everywhere a stressless and happy holiday period.
 

#6

Recovery Journals / Re: Desert Flower's Recovery J...

Last post by Chart - Today at 08:51:04 AM

The flowers of the desert have to choose very carefully their moment to open and expose themselves to a consistently harsh environment. As such they are deeply, intrinsically wise. They know in their core of what the land, wind, and sun are creating around them. Season after season they learn and modify, testing, sometimes failing, sometimes closing up again to await better conditions. But even in difficulty, they are in union with themselves.

What a wonderful post to read in your journal. Thank you DF. Sounds like you're striking out in a whole new way of being.
 

#7

Recovery Journals / Re: Post-Traumatic Growth Jour...

Last post by dollyvee - Today at 08:31:57 AM

It seems to me our sense of self is easily influenced by the strong emotions of other people. It lacks the robustness of people who were allowed to individuate properly. The ICR is part of this too, but I believe a good chunck of this is the autonomic nervous system taking the wheel during certain social situations and cognition following suit.

This is a very good summation. I want to comment more, but don't have the capacity at the moment. Thank you for your response and sending you support.

#8

Sexual Abuse / Re: Self-abandonment since CSA

Last post by Marcine - Today at 04:06:57 AM

Hi DD,

"the fundamental right of human beings to notice their limitations, boundaries, resources, and needs. And to communicate them in a respectful way to others. As well as then limiting the access of anyone who does not agree to them."

You wrote a perfectly workable definition of self-esteem and self-respect. Yes!

You, me, and too many good humans were "broken to serve others", but here we are still standing, building connections with each other, learning, growing, living, and showing kindness to ourselves.

How powerful! How human! How beautiful!

#9

General Discussion / Re: Lonely at Christmas

Last post by GettingThere - Today at 03:38:54 AM

Thanks so much Big Blue. It helps to know I'm not alone. I hope you have the best holiday you can and I'm so glad therapy is an anchor for you and that you'll be able to eat the food you enjoy and spend time with your dog <3

#10

General Discussion / Re: Lonely at Christmas

Last post by TheBigBlue - Today at 02:25:43 AM

Hi GettingThere, You're not alone in this. This will be only my second Christmas in 57 years that I won't spend with my family, and even knowing it's safer this way, it still carries weight.

I'm grateful I'll have a CBT session tomorrow morning (24th) that feels like a real anchor for me. After that it'll be simple, gentle things: my service dog, movies, the dog park, letting myself eat what I actually feel like for a few days, and not asking more of myself than I can give. Then back to therapy on Monday.

I don't have advice, just solidarity. It's okay to be grateful and sad at the same time. This season can be hard even when we've made the right choices for ourselves. 💛