Recent posts
#91
Recovery Journals / The ramblings of an abused kid...
Last post by GoSlash27 - April 19, 2024, 02:54:18 PM Last night was a series of unpleasant dreams. I'd wake up from one, try to decompress and get back to sleep, then have another one. They all revolved around the same theme; feeling like everyone was ganging up on me. I could not set boundaries, call them out, defend myself, or even escape. Everyone interpreted whatever I did like *I* was the aggressor and come after me.
My mother even made a cameo appearance (haven't dreamed about her in who knows how long). She came stalking in and told me I need to have a talk with her boyfriend. I was resolute. I don't "need" to do anything she says and I have nothing to say to hem.
She got angry and slapped me, but it was so weak and feeble it didn't hurt. Like getting slapped by a toddler. I didn't even touch my cheek, just looked at her sadly. "So, it's right back to that, then"?
I was in the middle of telling her how much of an immature bratty petulant little girl she was when I woke up.
I get what it's all about; all the recent events that have brought me here. My subconscious has a *lot* to say about it.
________________________
I'm very apprehensive about therapy. My T has warned me that this process may reawaken my inner critical voice and bring back my suicidal depression. That terrifies me, but I'm resolute in my decision to press on.
_______________________
When someone is abused or neglected as a child, they often grow up to become the person that they wish they had in *their* life. Someone who is kind and caring. Someone who will befriend them and listen. Someone who will help.
Sadly, in my experience most people that are that way had similar experiences as children and we grow to recognize and gravitate toward each other.
I was talking with my GF (a literal red- headed stepchild) the other night, and she was reiterating about how she was always afraid that that she would've been an abusive mother. I've told her many times that the fear was unfounded, as I've known her for decades and I've seen how good she is with kids. One of the examples is the little boy who would come around to visit her; how she'd ask him about what was going on, let him talk, and really listen, etc.
She said "yeah, but that's only because he was broken". I didn't get the importance of that comment in the moment. I do now.
_____________________
*EDIT*
I've been told I'll need to welcome and allow my panic attacks, as they will be a critical part of the healing process.
This is very much like night terrors and lucid dreaming. I once had a terrible spate of night terrors, where I can sense somebody in the house coming to kill me, but I'm paralyzed. I can't move, I can't scream, I'm struggling to awaken so I can defend myself. When I do wake up... Nothing.
It had gone on so long that I resolved to just trust that I'd be okay and let myself fall asleep... Which introduced me to my first lucid dream. I was asleep and dreaming, and fully aware that it was a dream. I soon came to *welcome* my night terrors because they would always lead to lucid dreams (which I soon learned I had total control over).
So, too, shall it be with panic attacks and processing childhood trauma.
My mother even made a cameo appearance (haven't dreamed about her in who knows how long). She came stalking in and told me I need to have a talk with her boyfriend. I was resolute. I don't "need" to do anything she says and I have nothing to say to hem.
She got angry and slapped me, but it was so weak and feeble it didn't hurt. Like getting slapped by a toddler. I didn't even touch my cheek, just looked at her sadly. "So, it's right back to that, then"?
I was in the middle of telling her how much of an immature bratty petulant little girl she was when I woke up.
I get what it's all about; all the recent events that have brought me here. My subconscious has a *lot* to say about it.
________________________
I'm very apprehensive about therapy. My T has warned me that this process may reawaken my inner critical voice and bring back my suicidal depression. That terrifies me, but I'm resolute in my decision to press on.
_______________________
When someone is abused or neglected as a child, they often grow up to become the person that they wish they had in *their* life. Someone who is kind and caring. Someone who will befriend them and listen. Someone who will help.
Sadly, in my experience most people that are that way had similar experiences as children and we grow to recognize and gravitate toward each other.
I was talking with my GF (a literal red- headed stepchild) the other night, and she was reiterating about how she was always afraid that that she would've been an abusive mother. I've told her many times that the fear was unfounded, as I've known her for decades and I've seen how good she is with kids. One of the examples is the little boy who would come around to visit her; how she'd ask him about what was going on, let him talk, and really listen, etc.
She said "yeah, but that's only because he was broken". I didn't get the importance of that comment in the moment. I do now.
_____________________
*EDIT*
I've been told I'll need to welcome and allow my panic attacks, as they will be a critical part of the healing process.
This is very much like night terrors and lucid dreaming. I once had a terrible spate of night terrors, where I can sense somebody in the house coming to kill me, but I'm paralyzed. I can't move, I can't scream, I'm struggling to awaken so I can defend myself. When I do wake up... Nothing.
It had gone on so long that I resolved to just trust that I'd be okay and let myself fall asleep... Which introduced me to my first lucid dream. I was asleep and dreaming, and fully aware that it was a dream. I soon came to *welcome* my night terrors because they would always lead to lucid dreams (which I soon learned I had total control over).
So, too, shall it be with panic attacks and processing childhood trauma.
#92
Poetry & Creative Writing / Re: We'll miss her
Last post by Blueberry - April 19, 2024, 04:49:29 AMThat might come (back) to adult you, blue. There's always hope. Especially in the creativity department 
I feel kind of sad writing this though 
I feel kind of sad writing this though #93
Conferences/Courses / Re: Free AVAIYA course, Healin...
Last post by Blueberry - April 19, 2024, 04:19:02 AMI listened to a bit of one session yesterday. 
There was a guest speaker or some such "de-bunking" myths on memory. It was probably meant to be helpful but he struck me as a guru-type who comes along and says: "you know all that stuff everybody else taught you? All wrong! You gotta listen to me if you want to heal". Of course, that's probably not what he said or even meant but that's what I understood within the space of 2 minutes, turned the thing off and went back to the course I paid for, which is better for me anyway!
But generally I have found Avaiya sessions helpful.
There was a guest speaker or some such "de-bunking" myths on memory. It was probably meant to be helpful but he struck me as a guru-type who comes along and says: "you know all that stuff everybody else taught you? All wrong! You gotta listen to me if you want to heal". Of course, that's probably not what he said or even meant but that's what I understood within the space of 2 minutes, turned the thing off and went back to the course I paid for, which is better for me anyway!But generally I have found Avaiya sessions helpful.
#94
Poetry & Creative Writing / Re: Look Back
Last post by blue_sky - April 19, 2024, 01:28:56 AMBeautiful poem Little2Nothing and I actually enjoyed the "old fashiony" feel of it 
#95
Poetry & Creative Writing / Re: We'll miss her
Last post by blue_sky - April 19, 2024, 01:25:52 AMThank you BecomingMe
Teenage Blue used to love poetry and loved writing her thoughts as poems. But since she kept getting scrutinised by FOO about her poems, somewhere along the journey of life she stopped writing them.
I have a diary or two of some poems she wrote but sadly, I can't seem to write new ones as an adult.
Teenage Blue used to love poetry and loved writing her thoughts as poems. But since she kept getting scrutinised by FOO about her poems, somewhere along the journey of life she stopped writing them.
I have a diary or two of some poems she wrote but sadly, I can't seem to write new ones as an adult.
#96
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Re: Dysregulation around N's
Last post by Kizzie - April 19, 2024, 12:10:10 AMHonestly, sometimes it seems to me that Ns are everywhere and I cannot relax because of how off kilter/back brain I become if I get caught out by someone I didn't realize was N at first. It's the one thing that can still set me off, often when I least expect it which is frustrating.
I did learn to manage my NM so that's something as she loomed oh so large in my life so I'm almost proud of that as for 100 pound 90 something years she could still pack a punch when she was alive. Like you Edna I no longer would play her games and she knew it so she mostly stopped all the really N stuff with me (my NB not so much). It took a while for her to understand I wasn't having it but eventually she got the message and behaved more or less.
I did try EMDR by the way Healing Finally, when Trump got into power in the US (I'm from Canada) and he was on the news 24/7. It actually did help as I was able to take a step back. I couldn't watch the news mind you as it was too much.
I did learn to manage my NM so that's something as she loomed oh so large in my life so I'm almost proud of that as for 100 pound 90 something years she could still pack a punch when she was alive. Like you Edna I no longer would play her games and she knew it so she mostly stopped all the really N stuff with me (my NB not so much). It took a while for her to understand I wasn't having it but eventually she got the message and behaved more or less.
I did try EMDR by the way Healing Finally, when Trump got into power in the US (I'm from Canada) and he was on the news 24/7. It actually did help as I was able to take a step back. I couldn't watch the news mind you as it was too much.
#97
Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / Re: Don’t know if I should go ...
Last post by Phoebes - April 18, 2024, 10:44:36 PMThank you for your response, blueberry. I do agree with what you're saying. It's hard. And the closer it gets the more I'm feeling depressed and panicky about the situation. I'm really struggling lately for multiple reasons, and this is just coming along at a really bad time adding to it.
I'm going to keep thinking about what you said, and what my truest gut feeling is in the end. I wish I could just be happy and enjoy the wedding, but then I already know I don't live in fantasyland anymore.
I'm going to keep thinking about what you said, and what my truest gut feeling is in the end. I wish I could just be happy and enjoy the wedding, but then I already know I don't live in fantasyland anymore.
#98
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: I’m going through the same...
Last post by Papa Coco - April 18, 2024, 09:53:46 PMWelcome to the forum, Sunspirit!
I like the name you've chosen. Very positive.
I like the name you've chosen. Very positive.
#99
Conferences/Courses / Re: Amygdala Conference Series...
Last post by Blueberry - April 18, 2024, 05:10:01 PMI've just signed up too. Why not? There might be something useful/interesting.
#100
Recovery Journals / Re: Forging New Paths
Last post by Blueberry - April 18, 2024, 05:00:07 PMQuote from: Blueberry on March 23, 2024, 04:43:52 PMI have started the course. Finally, in earnest, today. That is, I've dedicated a notebook for writing stuff, especially homework / being honest with myself + whatever else comes up and/or occurs to me. I might sometimes write about something on here or more likely on my private Journal
...
More importantly for me, doing this course is part of my attempt to improve my self-discipline of doing things for ME, of taking those healing steps regularly, making a habit out of them, getting back up again and setting off again when I've fallen on my nose or just stopped practising for whatever reason.
...
Back on the bolded bit again today after idk 3-week break, tho it wasn't a planned break of course...