Massive anger

Started by Rainydaze, August 07, 2018, 06:16:40 PM

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Rainydaze

Lately I've been experiencing overwhelming anger about how my father (and really my whole family) treated me and just generally life in general when I was a teenager. It was bad enough having an abusive father to begin with but to then have to watch my mother suffer a cruel disease, die so young and ultimately leave me alone with him at 15 is just  :fallingbricks:. What makes me really mad is that looking back with an adult pair of eyes I can see that she showed signs of wanting to get out of the marriage and I just wish so badly that she could have made it. It's so tragic and I hate him for ruining and wasting the life of someone who deserved so much more.

Plus my family, I hear of members of the family saying now how awful they think he is but not one person ever reached out and tried to help me when I was alone and needed them most. Not one. They say this stuff and yet will still befriend him on Facebook and send him Christmas cards. I mean, huh?!

Anyway, there is a practical point to this post. I'm wondering what other people do to process their anger. It's overwhelming and I've never felt this so intensely before. I can only assume that for the first time I'm starting to feel safe enough to feel it properly, so I don't think it's entirely a bad thing, though I guess it could be if I misdirect it.  :Idunno:

Hope67

Hi Blues_cruise,
I don't really know how I process anger myself, because I rarely get in touch with it, or with many of my feelings - I'm just beginning to engage and 'feel' more things - so I hope that I will get in touch with anger, and process things with an adult pair of eyes more and more as time goes on. 
So essentially I don't think I can really say how I process things - but I am interested in your post, and I wanted to extend a gentle hug of support to you  :hug: - if that's ok.
Hope

Sasha

#2
Hi Blues_Cruise

Geez, I can really relate to what you are saying about huge feelings of anger. Mine are not yet linked properly to my situation growing up and are more directed at current big life stresses, however it sounds like you are linking yours quite directly to your feelings around the abuse from your father, the effect it had on your mother and the lack of support from your extended community.

I'm truly sorry to hear of the loss of your mother at such a young age, and my heart goes out to you.

The main thing I feel reading your post is wow - your anger sounds healthy. I am intrigued to know more about how this anger started to come about. What started to trigger the feelings of anger you are experiencing? Was there a specific time or incident that caused the feelings to start flowing?

My view on anger for a while has been that it is a secondary emotion to pain, which is a primary emotion. I did anger management years ago, as it has reared it's head in adulthood for me when I feel trapped, akin to how I felt in my family home (trapped, fighting, wild). It was in anger management that they said this thing about it being a secondary emotion. Then you are asked to look at the pain underneath the anger, and encouraged to try to feel that, which is, inevitably, more difficult.

I think that this process of allowing pain to come through is actually what it means, to me, to grieve.

Have you read Pete Walker's book on CPTSD? He has a whole chapter on grieving. Here is a PDF that might be useful if you've not got access to his book (which I highly recommend). If you have read it yourself, I'm interested to know: what do you think about the idea that anger, or extreme flashbacks and emotions, could be helped by grieving?

My final thought is that from my point of view, based on what you have said in your post, I feel that what you are thinking and feeling is healthy and valid. Your anger is your fight, and, although this can be an exhausting feeling (and quite adrenal busting), I think that fight and anger are very good for starting create stronger boundaries. I was reading about this just the other day, that anger is an emotion we need not be ashamed of, but that we can learn to use for change in our lives as it is a powerful and strong force.

I think there is a skill in 'tempering the temper' so that this energy or feeling becomes more maleable and helpful to you, and does not end up in exhaustion. From my own experience of rage and anger I know that it really does wipe me out, and sometimes leads to dissociation. Take it easy, and if it feels like you are really blowing your lid, perhaps try some basic breathing and grounding techniques to come back to a more calm place. I think anger can take a real toll on the body and I have found that when I need to access pain and tears, I do need to come back to my body in order to be able to grieve and start to release the pain underneath it all.

Wishing you such goodness and healing xx

finallyfree

Hi blues,
I am so sorry your feeling this way. But I also think it's a part of the healing process, so perhaps writing a letter and getting all of your anger and frustration out in it but never sending it might help? I did this, and it did help me get many things off my chest, and eventually lightened the load of anger I was carrying around. I at least was able to say things in the letter they would have never let me get out in person. I could be completely raw and honest about my feelings, that never mattered to them at all. I hope your feeling better soon, I wish you all the best and I sincerely feel for you. Sending you a big hug  :hug: today, tomorrow and the day after that!

fullofsoundandfury

Anger is scary and confusing.

I feel so guilty when I get angry.

Every now and again, an inner voice or self surges within me and says "I am so angry" and I don't know why that part is angry or what it is angry about. I can't even communicate with it to find out. I guess maybe it is a fragment, or disowned anger? Probably some memory or accumulation.

But what the heck am I supposed to DO with it? OK, self, you're angry. Whoo de doo. Now clean the house and pay the bills or you'll be homeless. I have to keep functioning.


Rainydaze

#5
Quote from: Hope67 on August 07, 2018, 06:58:58 PM
Hi Blues_cruise,
I don't really know how I process anger myself, because I rarely get in touch with it, or with many of my feelings - I'm just beginning to engage and 'feel' more things - so I hope that I will get in touch with anger, and process things with an adult pair of eyes more and more as time goes on. 
So essentially I don't think I can really say how I process things - but I am interested in your post, and I wanted to extend a gentle hug of support to you  :hug: - if that's ok.
Hope

Hi Hope, thank you.  :) I think you make such a good point about processing things with an adult pair of eyes and for me I think that's how the anger has started to emerge. I'm starting to feel less like a scared child and more like an adult woman who is angry over the way that a child, any child, was treated. I think it's close to the kind of anger I would be feeling if I had my own child and anyone dared to treat him or her cruelly. Learning to trust the world again and knowing you're safe enough to feel is a massive undertaking in itself. I think as the nervous system and fight or flight reactions calm down then it begins to come together piece by piece but my word, it is a slow process. :hug:

Quote from: Sasha on August 08, 2018, 12:29:54 AM
Hi Blues_Cruise

Geez, I can really relate to what you are saying about huge feelings of anger. Mine are not yet linked properly to my situation growing up and are more directed at current big life stresses, however it sounds like you are linking yours quite directly to your feelings around the abuse from your father, the effect it had on your mother and the lack of support from your extended community.

I'm truly sorry to hear of the loss of your mother at such a young age, and my heart goes out to you.

The main thing I feel reading your post is wow - your anger sounds healthy. I am intrigued to know more about how this anger started to come about. What started to trigger the feelings of anger you are experiencing? Was there a specific time or incident that caused the feelings to start flowing?

My view on anger for a while has been that it is a secondary emotion to pain, which is a primary emotion. I did anger management years ago, as it has reared it's head in adulthood for me when I feel trapped, akin to how I felt in my family home (trapped, fighting, wild). It was in anger management that they said this thing about it being a secondary emotion. Then you are asked to look at the pain underneath the anger, and encouraged to try to feel that, which is, inevitably, more difficult.

I think that this process of allowing pain to come through is actually what it means, to me, to grieve.

Have you read Pete Walker's book on CPTSD? He has a whole chapter on grieving. Here is a PDF that might be useful if you've not got access to his book (which I highly recommend). If you have read it yourself, I'm interested to know: what do you think about the idea that anger, or extreme flashbacks and emotions, could be helped by grieving?

My final thought is that from my point of view, based on what you have said in your post, I feel that what you are thinking and feeling is healthy and valid. Your anger is your fight, and, although this can be an exhausting feeling (and quite adrenal busting), I think that fight and anger are very good for starting create stronger boundaries. I was reading about this just the other day, that anger is an emotion we need not be ashamed of, but that we can learn to use for change in our lives as it is a powerful and strong force.

I think there is a skill in 'tempering the temper' so that this energy or feeling becomes more maleable and helpful to you, and does not end up in exhaustion. From my own experience of rage and anger I know that it really does wipe me out, and sometimes leads to dissociation. Take it easy, and if it feels like you are really blowing your lid, perhaps try some basic breathing and grounding techniques to come back to a more calm place. I think anger can take a real toll on the body and I have found that when I need to access pain and tears, I do need to come back to my body in order to be able to grieve and start to release the pain underneath it all.

Wishing you such goodness and healing xx

Hi Sasha.  :) Thank you so much for your post. It's actually really reassuring to hear someone say that my anger sounds healthy. I spend so much time in my own head dwelling on things and it can be hard to interpret what's healthy behaviour and what's not. In answer to your question, I haven't been in contact with my father for nearly a year and a half and in that time my central nervous system has calmed down significantly. No mind games and passive-aggressive, triggering put-downs for a whole year and more and I feel so much healthier for it. I'm starting to see the reality of how people are actually expected to treat one another and the reactions of healthy people when they see how badly another person is treated (i.e. shock, hurt, anger...they don't just 'take it'). I think the media coverage surrounding Meghan Markle has sparked a lot of anger too because her father's actions towards her remind me so much of the sort of covert, passive-aggressive, self-serving tactics that my own liked/likes to adopt and for some reason it's initially so much easier to be angry over someone else's situation and then to translate it to my own experiences. Another thing recently is that I've been following an amazing young man on YouTube who is documenting his struggle with cancer. He is now desperately ill and it makes me so angry that such a good, kind person should suffer something so agonising when there are people in the world in good health who get their kicks from being cruel and unkind to others. It's so unfair. I wonder typing this out whether it's bringing up a lot of emotion related to what my mother went through. I'm also looking back on her situation with adult eyes and feeling defensive on her behalf.

I do get moments of sadness and I think you're right, the pain is the primary emotion. I wouldn't be so angry if it hadn't have all hurt me so deeply in the first place. I just think about being a lost little girl getting shouted at for every tiny little thing and cowering in fear and silence, then feel sadness for the loss of all that could have been and then anger that my own parent could have been so cruel. I have read Pete Walker's book and it is an incredible piece of writing which would be so helpful for me to re-read, so thank you for reminding me of it! Grieving is something that's very difficult for me to tap into, however on a couple of occasions I have found myself able to cry for the child within and it's an incredible release. I think as Pete says in his book, it is a very long, slow process. What you say about coming back into your own body is so valid too, I haven't done it anywhere near enough lately but yoga and meditation completely nurture my body and mind connection and seem to put me in a better place to simply be and feel. As this post lengthens I'm starting to think I've let my mind race away too much just lately!

Thank you so much for your understanding and good wishes.  :)

Quote from: finallyfree on August 08, 2018, 01:46:07 AM
Hi blues,
I am so sorry your feeling this way. But I also think it's a part of the healing process, so perhaps writing a letter and getting all of your anger and frustration out in it but never sending it might help? I did this, and it did help me get many things off my chest, and eventually lightened the load of anger I was carrying around. I at least was able to say things in the letter they would have never let me get out in person. I could be completely raw and honest about my feelings, that never mattered to them at all. I hope your feeling better soon, I wish you all the best and I sincerely feel for you. Sending you a big hug  :hug: today, tomorrow and the day after that!

Hi finallyfree.  :) A letter's a good idea. This post is the first time in ages that I've written anything at length about any of this (hence why it might sound a bit disordered and ranty!) so maybe I need to be getting this off my chest more often. The one block I have with letter writing is that I imagine him reading it and just completely laughing in my face at everything I write down and it shames me into not doing it, though maybe rather than writing it to him specifically I could imagine what I would want to tell my mother if she were still here or even my extended family. Thank you for your kindness and helpful suggestion. :hug:

Quote from: fullofsoundandfury on August 08, 2018, 11:46:09 AM
Anger is scary and confusing.

I feel so guilty when I get angry.

Every now and again, an inner voice or self surges within me and says "I am so angry" and I don't know why that part is angry or what it is angry about. I can't even communicate with it to find out. I guess maybe it is a fragment, or disowned anger? Probably some memory or accumulation.

But what the heck am I supposed to DO with it? OK, self, you're angry. Whoo de doo. Now clean the house and pay the bills or you'll be homeless. I have to keep functioning.

Yeah exactly, I just find it overwhelming and I hope eventually it can become constructive anger over something specific rather than every hurt I've ever felt; it's a bit much at once! It is really frustrating because as you say, you have to keep functioning and carry on regardless. The heatwave really hasn't helped in my case as I've been feeling far too hot to do anything particularly productive physically so there's been no release or distraction there. Maybe the more we feel anger and see how others process it the easier it will become to deal with. I was never ever allowed to be angry about anything growing up and if I showed any fighting spirit it soon got mentally knocked out of me, so I began to associate it purely with this loud, raging, chaotic parental figure who overreacted to most situations daily, rather than learning that it was a normal reaction which can be felt and worked through productively. I think I might have developed the belief that if I felt anger then I would make other people feel horrible the way that he did.