New Member & Recent Divorcee (trigger warning)

[RBFL1987]

Hi everyone, I'm here to start opening up about an often painful 11-year odyssey that brought me to where I am now. It's a story that still gives me almost daily nightmares, but I'm trying to carry lifelong lessons and spread awareness in hopes that a decade of my life won't go to waste.

At the end of last year, I finally got the courage to leave my wife to whom I was married for five years and in a relationship with for a total of 11 years. The divorce was just finalized three weeks ago. I was with the same person from age 19 all the way until 30, thus I've dealt with emotional abuse for almost my entire adult life.

My ex-wife had a special way of making me feel like she was an authority figure over me and that everything that went wrong was my fault. It started off small after we began dating in college, but it quickly grew. One of the first things she made sure to do was drive a wedge between me and other people/things who mattered. Within six months, I'd lost contact with my longtime best friend and most other people I knew outside my immediate family. I even went so far as to give up hobbies or sneak them in during the rare time when she wasn't around. This wasn't made any easier by her being around 24/7, even quitting her job to be with me all the time; that effectively hurt financially while invading my remaining personal space in one fell swoop.

Along with constant suffocation and making sure to anger anyone within a certain radius of me -- up to and including my family -- I've now come to realize her parents were enablers. When they were all together, the bullying was amplified. They'd go an entire weekend coming up with anything they could about my "skin and bones" body, my lack of handiness, etc., then tell me afterwards how much they "loved" me and how it was all in good fun. Between that and being compared to other people all the time ("Dad would have gotten a card and flowers;" "you're not romantic like so-and-so"), it was practically a game to see how deep she could bury me before I completely went under.

Then there was me being made to feel like a "meal ticket." While I worked my way up to a pretty good career, she barely worked (despite having a college degree) and frequently commented about just wanting to be a stay-at-home wife. This came to a head about two years ago when we went out with my family to celebrate me getting a raise. When they toasted to me, my then-wife refused to raise her glass, then said to my family that the raise wasn't enough. She then claimed to be "joking," but if she was she would have then raised the glass... she never did. And even then, the whole shtick would have been in poor taste. Never mind that she racked up so much debt -- much of it behind my back -- that I nearly had to file bankruptcy by the time I finally left.

(TRIGGER ALERT) From masterful gaslighting to extensive financial abuse, I ended up in a rather severe state of depression. It got to the point where I had frequent suicidal thoughts, as in I thought about death on a daily basis. I've nearly gone through with taking my own life three times in the last two years, having been brought down from someone who was seen as the happiest person in the room to a mere shell of myself living what felt like an out-of-body experience. Only my family and a select few other friends, along with extensive research over the last seven months into what I've endured, have stopped me from doing this. My ex-wife was like a powerful vacuum in that she sucked the joy out of me throughout my entire 20s. That's something I struggle with mightily, knowing that what should have been the most exciting time of my life was marred by a manipulative person who claimed to have my best interest at heart, yet never once showed real empathy toward anyone, never apologized for anything without being forced to by someone else and never took responsibility in her personal or professional life.

This runs a lot deeper than what can be explained in one post and could be a full-blown book if I wanted it to be. It's stuff I might explore in future posts under the appropriate boards. There are a lot of sad stories in this saga, yet I'm working toward my story becoming one of redemption.

Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this. I'm open to discussing it, hence why I'm here.

TL;DR: I was with my ex-wife from age 19-30, was emotionally and financially abused to the point of severe depression and am now learning to live an independent adult life.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS RBFL    Unfortunately there are a lot of us here who went through similar kinds of abuse and are struggling to heal.  You are not alone and members here do understand so feel free to talk more about what happened.    

I don't know if you have identified your wife and possibly her family as having a personality disorder (PD) but it sounds like that may be the case so it might be an idea to have a look at our sister site Out of the Fog.  It is for anyone affected by someone who has a PD and can really help sort out those behaviours, what happened to you and why it takes such a toll. My family suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and I started at OOTF.  It helped me so much at a time when I had reached a truly dark point in my life. 

One thing we ask new members to have a read through our Member guidelines when you have a moment. Again welcome and I hope you find OOTS helpful in your recovery.

[RBFL1987]

Thank you for the warm welcome. I'll be sure to check out Out of the Fog, as I look forward to diving into any resource that's available to better understand myself and those who have affected me.