Mother visiting - help!

[Sasha]

My mum is visiting. She started by telling me within two hours of landing and unloading a huge load of her tat from her car into my flat that she had euthanised our family cat who was ill, and then described it in detail. I was so shocked, I dissociated and completely triggered as she used to scare me when I was little by telling me she had murdered kittens. She then walked off when she saw I was upset and then when she came back she argued with me and got angry that I was upset. I said that she has no thought of how the things she says affect her children and asked for space. I gave her my keys (we were in town eating dinner when she told me - needless to say I couldn't finish my meal) and said I'd walk back home later. I cried my eyes out, met with a friend and thought that maybe I should ask her to go back home. In the end I decided to drop it and look at it from the perspective that she was just messily sharing her trauma drama (as per). Yet again I had to suck it up and just put myself to one side in order to keep the peace. I just brave faced it when I got back. She said sorry but was still defensive. I just said I didn't want to talk about it. Terrible start to the mother visit... !

Since then it's been on and off. I feel like I have no order in my brain or in my life, I'm pretty much dissociated all the time and feel chaotic and messy. My flat is a mess with all her stuff in it. I just moved house and asked her to come help and she couldn't at the time so she came straight after. There's a lot of stuff everywhere and I just wish she wasn't here right now, tbh. She just takes over. She has asked to sleep with me in my bed a few times and I have said no. I normally let her but this time have stood my ground.

With my friends (who she is meeting for the first time) I have noticed that she has a lot of one upman ship with me and is very rude and critical of me in front of other people. She is trying to make a good impression of herself. One of my friends actually stood up for me to her (bless my friend!) by saying to her "actually, Sasha is really good at X, I disagree with you" and my mum shut right up.  It felt really good to hear my friend say that.

Mum had been harassing me about loads of things like how I do this and that wrong, criticising me and then making demands on my time. I don't know why she is here to be honest. I don't think she is having a nice time. Family dynamics have changed a lot in the last year as I have stopped playing ball in the way they are used to.

Today my mum told me to shut up in front of my new friends. It wasn't nice and wasn't called for. Do you know what it made me think? A lot of hypervigilance I have about the way I am treated in front of my friend's blatantly comes from experiences of my mum being rude and humiliating me, and also doing one upmanship.

I asked her, after we left, not to tell me to shut up in front of my friends and she got angry with me. She wouldn't talk to me about it. I said that if she didn't agree not to hold back from speaking to me like that then we would not able to hang out. She got more defensive and started telling me why I deserved it and so on. I held my hands up and said "okay, so all of your frustration is over here on this side  and over here on the other side is you telling me to shut up. The frustration is what it is, and I'm sorry you felt frustrated, but you telling me to shut up is not acceptable"

It has felt very weird since then. We are basically in silence now and I just can't be bothered to interact with her. She is here in my house. I just want to disappear. Or shut off. I feel like I don't want any of my family to visit me for a year after this. That makes me feel sad but I just can't deal with how much they criticise and throw me off kilter when I am working very hard to stay grounded.

Does anyone have advice for being around family and how to manage? I think we have another week at least left as we are going to a festival together at the end of this week.

[Kizzie]

IMO it isn't you who should disappear Sasha, it is your house afterall. I know you did ask her to come help you settle in but maybe it's time to consider asking her to leave given she does not behave in a respectful manner towards you and it is really affecting you?

My M is more subtle than yours but still has that undermining, critical, pushy behaviour and I continually had to stand up to her until she realized I wasn't going to stand for any of that anymore.  She needed to know there are boundaries she cannot cross and that if she does there are consequences (like asking her to leave).

   

[Sasha]

Thank you Kizzie. Your words mean a lot to me and I do feel that if the behaviour doesn't improve I will ask her to leave.

I just had my first bit of alone time since she got here and I checked in myself, realising as I began to drop and ground into my body that I feel incredibly fragile, overwhelmed and frightened.

I was building strength before her visit. I will see how it goes tomorrow. If I feel like I am being criticised again then I will ask her to leave. Any advice on how to say this? It is a really big thing for me - not something I have done befor and she has come a long way to visit.

If it comes to itc I think she is not having a good time so could maybe start t asking her this, and then explain that I am not having a very good time and right now I need to focus on lookig after myself or something?

I have told her how stressed I have been and how worried I have been about myself (didn't tell her I was suicidal recently but have tried to indicate that it has been serious). She doesn't seem to care, or minimises it, or tells me it's a 'turning point' or starts talking about her own life.

During my alone time the tears rose up. I have felt numb for days. I feel so tired! I really want her out of my space.

[Kizzie]

I suspect no matter what you say she will criticize you/give you a hard time because that's how she has 'won' in the past. Based on how I manage my M's NPD behav I'd suggest just speaking your truth as calmly and firmly as you can, and  try not to get hooked into any attempts to FOG you (back you down/control you using fear, obligation and/or guilt) or get you into a position where you have to JADE (justify, argue, defend and/or explain) yourself. 

I have felt numb for days. I feel so tired! I really want her out of my space.

IMO your health and well-being are worth fighting for   Good luck & plse let us know how you're doing 

[Sasha]

Thank you for your words and advice again. It has been difficult. Yesterday my friend (and ex-partner who has been very supportive) came to help out by being a buffer, which was really useful. He says that he can see how hard she is and that this is at odds with how soft and sensitive I am, and he was very loving and kind to me, which felt good, and gave me lots of hugs later when she was next door sleeping, at which point I let the tears flow.

Today I woke up with both of them in my house and just felt like I was going to die or melt from the stress of being around two people. He took her out and has messaged me saying he will keep her out today. Thank the lord for him. I feel so grateful. Before they left I felt worryingly dissociated - to the point when objects don't make sense and I can't feel my arms properly. After they left I called a UK helpline called NAPAC and spoke to a very lovely person. That brought me back to myself.

I think my mum can see that I'm not doing very well. I wish she could learn or find it in herself to ask me how I am, and listen. Yesterday I mentioned that I'm depressed at the moment as a result of moving again and she couldn't listen, she told me it was a turning point, that it was this and that. She tries to talk around or over what it is that I'm experiencing. I realise that this is because she feels uncomfortable and she also takes it all to heart. It's a tricky area as I can't really talk about what is depressing me, which is the repeated episodes of CPTSD symptoms I am experiencing that are affecting my life, without her totally freaking out. Better to stay quiet.

What feels hard is that she hasn't changed that much. I have. I used to be able to go along with it all, keep the peace, mother everyone, but after a number of traumas this year in my own life, including being attacked by my unwell brother when I was left alone to care for him for days (after repeatedly asking for assistance from my parents), I just can't do it anymore. I feel so unwell. That is quite hard to say, but I feel so exhausted and drained, depressed and hanging on the edge all the time.

Overall I am not sure what to do about my mother being at my house, and the expectation to go to a festival together for 4 days at the end of the week. I don't feel strong enough to ask her to leave or to cancel our plans, and I feel obliged to make things 'alright', but I don't feel like it is safe for me to play the game anymore. It is a shame because this time last year we went to this festival together and had a great time, hence the idea that we'd do it again. So much has changed this year. I feel in a very difficult and much harder place right now.

Maybe if I ask her to go I will say it is because I'm not feeling well, and would like to be alone, rather than say it is anything to do with her. She will probably ask me what is wrong and will start telling me what to do, but I feel like I know what helps me feel better, which is being alone and away from the stressors of people and their demands in my space. It would be a huge step to ask her to leave. I just don't know if I can do it. Part of me is just saying I should ride it out, and then take it as a lesson not to invite her down for a while, til I feel stronger. But I am worried that I am not feeling well and that I am heavily dissociating and feeling very down.

It doesn't feel like any easy decision, I don't know how to do it or what to say. I don't know if it is the right or necessary thing to do either. It does feel helpful to have written this out though, as it has helped me realise that it is a lot to do with where I am, and how things are hard for me right now that I am not coping as well as usual with being around. Through my fog I think I can sense that she is worried, as I have found her looking at me sometimes. It might be because I am very dissociated and behaving in an odd, sluggish way.

It's that classic thing, where you I suppose you keep hoping that the person you want to help you will actually help you. I wish she could actually help me feel better during times of difficulty. It is sad that being around her makes things worse. I imagine she must feel like that too 

[Kizzie]

It's tough Sasha, I've been there too and I know how hard it is. It's a difficult choice either way, asking her to leave or toughing it out and I'm so sorry you are in that position right now.  Whatever you decide we're here for support so keep on posting, and maybe lean on that friend (who sounds like a wonderfully empathetic person to have in your corner   ).   

Sending many  and here to listen.