Started Back to Therapy Today - Trying EMDR Again

[Blueberry]

Enjoy those fall colours!

[Kizzie]

The fall colours were awesome.  Unfortunately the anxiety did not really lift but I think I have some idea now what's going on.  I think what has changed is that I am no longer in touch as much with my M and that's what's playing in the background.  We were LC but I am embarrassed to admit that over time it crept up to her emailing 2-3 times daily AND us playing Scrabble daily. I stopped emailing as much and stopped playing Scrabble altogether and that's a no no when it comes to my M.  She hasn't said much yet but given the past I'm sure it's festering and therein lies the anxiety. I am waiting to hear how I am not a good daughter once again.

It came out in the last EMDR session how tired I was from her constant drive to enmesh me and how tired of propping her up and being her listening post again. I had gotten away from doing that but allowed it to creep back in over the last two years (Trump?!).  I really don't need or want  to hear when she gets up, what she eats, who she talks to, what she buys shopping, and when she goes to bed. If I didn't take my Scrabble turn quickly enough she'd say something like "No Scrabble turn yet, I'll check my iPad when I wake up,"  all N enmeshment behaviour that I hate.

Part of me is just done with her N behaviour (and I credit EMDR for that actually - I have stopped playing Scrabble and have cut way down on emails), and I suspect the other half of me is just really anxious waiting for the gates of * to open again as they did in the past when I put myself first.

I honestly am nervous about going forward with more EMDR because this anxiety is so unpleasant but I'm also afraid not to because I want to be done with the fear and guilt and obligation taking me down.  I go again on Thursday and will talk to her about this whole issue. 

Tks for weighing in and sending support and encouragement everyone, it's much appreciated 

[Hope67]

Hi Kizzie,
Just wanted to send you a warm and supportive hug - if that's ok  - I just read what you wrote here, and I think you're doing well to cope with this - it must be really challenging and also tiring. 
Hope 

[Three Roses]

 

I'm sorry you're going thru all that. Why can't they just leave us alone? 

On a side note, until I read this post, I'd been second guessing my decision to go back to NC with the sibling. I thought, he reached out and at least made an effort, maybe I shouldn't be so harsh. Your post has brought me back to my senses at least temporarily.