Elpha's adventure pt. 2

[Elphanigh]

So as I wrote before, I started the new form of emdr last night. It was just as intriguing as I had imagined. However, I haven't been able to kick the image I saw for rage last night. The ones I saw for fear and shame were tamer in session. Rage was a hard one to look st though. So I can't unsee it, which is hard because I know it is just a creation of my subconcious. Part of me hurts because I now know just how bad rage looks in my mind. Having a representation of that is difficult.

*trigger warning* small description of the image, not a lot of detail*

I made it to look like an art piece in my head, that is one of the modern looking ones that uses a white background and just connected black lines to make the picture, although mine had some flecks of red.

The image started as a man punching a hole in a door, then the child was near said door. Eventually the man threw a punch at the curled up kid which knocked him over. Laying flat on his stomach and not moving. It further developed but ended up just having the broken door, the laying kid, and the big adult figure with small specs of red within the black lines just looking as angry as I can envsion. Hardly a human look at all...

*end trigger*


Seeing that my subconcious immediately jumped to something so violent and heartbreaking for rage is rough. Super awful. I could tell my T was mildly surprised at it and could see the concern in her eyes at small moments. She is good at masking but not always since it was such a hard subject and she has gone through this particular therapy as well. I am glad she cares and helps me go through this, staying objective was near impossible.

Looking at the emotions rather than feeling them is interesting, and the ground work is the only time we will do that. It makes it less bad in the moment but hard to unsee to say the least. Like it isn't traumatizing or triggering for me just hard to let go of today.

[Deep Blue]

Dearest Elpha,
All i can offer to you is    I wish I had words to help ease your struggles but alas... not today.  So 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for the  I need those this evening. I was okay today but had flashes come up while I was ine my aerial class tonight. Sometimes things come up in yoga but have never had it in my aerial yoga class. Was different.

Anyways just coping with flashes of things triggered feelings tonight. I can't put together what the flashes are yet. *sigh*

[Hope67]

Hi Dear Elpha,
I also would like to send you a couple of gentle and supportive hugs  - if that's ok.  You are doing some very sensitive work at the moment, and I'd like to send you my best wishes for that - and hope that you are ok.   
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you so much Hope.  I am okay, although the hugs and good wishes help a ton.

I managed to kind of sleep off the rest of the trigger from last night. I have been having some flashes for a few days but I was able to notice them and not judge or let them take over. Something about having it come up while I was in a yoga class made it different. Like it invaded one of my very few peaceful, almost sacred, places. I just wasnt prepared for that

[sanmagic7]

love you to bits, you courageous thing, you.  well done!  i know what it takes to begin adventuring in these unknown territories, and it takes a lot of guts as well as a lot of heart and determination. 

lots of hugs filled with strength and hope - this, too, shall pass. 

[Three Roses]

I empathize with your rage. It is understandable and acceptable. It would be weird if we weren't angry about the things that were done to us; anger is not bad in itself but it may lead to actions that are not in our best interests. However, it may also lead to actions that are in our best interest; like, standing up for ourselves or making necessary changes, if we need to.

This may sound weird, but I accept your rage as normal. I applaud you for looking at the amount of anger you hold. 

[Elphanigh]

San, as always thank you so much for the encouraging words. I feel stronger and much more on top of things today. Finally got some much needed sleep. It has taken a lot to venture into these things but I am excited to continue further, because I am seeing just how much progress I have been making. Lots of hugs right back to you.

Thank you Three Roses! This is not so much the rage I hold as it is what rage looks like to a lot of younger parts of me. Don't get me wrong I hold a lot of anger (I did a lot of processing of it in my other journal that has helped me recognize it and start to process it). I really appreciate you validating that it is "normal" and acceptable. That means a ton as anger is something that has always been really difficult for me. 

[Luke57]

Hi Elph,

I read your journal this morning because of the words of wisdom you offered me several days ago concerning my attitude towards my own start with emdr. Your response to my "no pain, no gain" comment has helped me to do some much needed introspection regarding some of my old coping mechanisms. Those old ways still greatly influence me so many years after it all ended. I bounce back and forth between going numb and bringing pain into my life, often in the form of self-harm, just to feel alive again. Maybe I feel like I need to punish myself for disappearing. I want to learn to invite in a middle way with less extremes.


I admire your courage and tenacity in moving forward. Thanks for being open and honest for yourself and for all of us. That's a great gift to give to the world.


Thank you 

[Elphanigh]

Hi Luke, thank you so much for such kind words! I have a lot more about my emdr journey in my last journal if you ever want to read more. It is long though so skik if you ever need it.

I am glad my words could help, it just purely experience with that kind of mindset. I know you will learn to find that middle ground you are looking for, it just takes practice and some kindness towards yourself.

That you for seeing me being open as such a great thing. I am always grateful to have my journey help anyone else

[Luke57]

Thanks, Elph. I will check out your last journal and I'll continue to read the updates here. Hope your next session is helpful.

[Elphanigh]

Thanks! My next session is tonight (normally on Mondays but different because of the holiday. I am hopeful it will go as well as the last one

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
I hope your session was ok.    to you.
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Hi Hope,

My session was okay, thank you for checking in. I was just headed here to write a bit about it.

We were working through more of the effective circuits this week. It is truly a very intriguing concept. We finished a bunch of the more positive ones and went back to rage which is the one that was so intense for me last time.

It worked through much more fully this week. I didn't get stuck in the loop of how bad it can look. Instead it organically played through to show the lonely side of rage. Became settled and neutral. It feels leagues better. Hoping it stays that way.

I did have a bit of a memory come up during a different bit of processing yesterday that I am just hoping to recognize and let be for the moment. It isn't one I care to remember. Lets just say it involves running through a corn feild right before it should be harvested. I know logically it would have been green but my mind saw it as brown and dried out yesterday.

It becomes more unpleasant but the running is what came up

[Three Roses]