Feeling it's not fair

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SharpAndBlunt

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Feeling it's not fair
« on: August 24, 2018, 01:18:04 PM »
Anyone else get tired trying to work out what the 'correct' response is to any given social situation?

Often I just don't know how to respond, usually to light hearted things. Serious things I'm usually ok with.

I think it leads people to believe I'm just not very nice. Maybe that's true.

I get *really* tired having to work hard just to decipher what's the right thing to do. It's guesswork. Other people around me don't seem to struggle with this.

I don't like self pity but something makes me feel that's what this is. Aaagh! Self care and compassion doesn't seem so easy at times like this. My IC wants to berate me and shout me down in very acidic terms  :pissed:
Mostly fine... I think.

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Luke57

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Re: Feeling it's not fair
« Reply #1 on: September 16, 2018, 10:43:30 AM »
Hi S&B,

I definitely get tired of the effort and all the 2nd guessing myself that comes afterward. I just saw this post this morning, although its several weeks old. But I wanted to respond cause I could've written the exact same words myself. I fully feel what you're feeling and have struggled with that social anxiety stuff all my life. I'm sorry your IC was causing you pain when this was written. Hopefully who've gotten some breaks from him since then.

In my case, I'm sure my social anxiety is because in my FOO it was safer for me to hide and stay quiet than make any noise. I carried that role into my interaction with my school-mates. I felt like it was written on my forehead that I was wierd and disgusting because of the things my M did to me. I was certain that opening my mouth would only provide more evidence of how "bad" I was. I had friends, but I was always the quiet one. So it seems like I never learned how to make "idle conversation."

I discovered drugs and alcohol when I was 15 which changed everything. It felt like the door to my cage was thrown open and I could be who I wanted to be. Of course those things eventually led me into a new kind of prison, but that's a whole different story.

Now after lots of T and time with recovery groups, which I'm still making use of both, I'm able to be more open and less worried about what others think. If anybody does ask why I'm "different" I don't mind saying, "I had a rough childhood and I haven't fully recovered from it yet." I guess I'm probably more afraid of feeling that old shame of trying to keep my true self hidden, than what anybody else might think about me.

This got longer than I intended, but your statements stirred up a lot of feelings in me. Even if nobody else reads this it feels good to get it off my chest. Thanks for the post S&B. Good luck with T.

Luke
I am uniquely me, and I share my humanity with all.

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SharpAndBlunt

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Re: Feeling it's not fair
« Reply #2 on: Today at 03:09:57 PM »
Hi Luke,

The part about hiding your true self really rings true. I have been called 'Mr Invisible', other things like that. People in my foo throwing various insults. I am very slowly learning not to trust them for help. It's taken a very long (too long) time!

I often don't understand why people don't like it when I just try to blend in and not cause any fuss. I now realise they think I'm behaving strangely but for me it was just the way to feel safe.

So much behaviour is a complete mystery, until it's explained, don't you think? Then it's like a D'oh moment - now I understand why i was so annoying to those people. If only I'd known! Very frustrating.
Mostly fine... I think.