Feeling it's not fair

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SharpAndBlunt

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Feeling it's not fair
« on: August 24, 2018, 08:18:04 PM »
Anyone else get tired trying to work out what the 'correct' response is to any given social situation?

Often I just don't know how to respond, usually to light hearted things. Serious things I'm usually ok with.

I think it leads people to believe I'm just not very nice. Maybe that's true.

I get *really* tired having to work hard just to decipher what's the right thing to do. It's guesswork. Other people around me don't seem to struggle with this.

I don't like self pity but something makes me feel that's what this is. Aaagh! Self care and compassion doesn't seem so easy at times like this. My IC wants to berate me and shout me down in very acidic terms  :pissed:

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Luke57

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Re: Feeling it's not fair
« Reply #1 on: September 16, 2018, 05:43:30 PM »
Hi S&B,

I definitely get tired of the effort and all the 2nd guessing myself that comes afterward. I just saw this post this morning, although its several weeks old. But I wanted to respond cause I could've written the exact same words myself. I fully feel what you're feeling and have struggled with that social anxiety stuff all my life. I'm sorry your IC was causing you pain when this was written. Hopefully who've gotten some breaks from him since then.

In my case, I'm sure my social anxiety is because in my FOO it was safer for me to hide and stay quiet than make any noise. I carried that role into my interaction with my school-mates. I felt like it was written on my forehead that I was wierd and disgusting because of the things my M did to me. I was certain that opening my mouth would only provide more evidence of how "bad" I was. I had friends, but I was always the quiet one. So it seems like I never learned how to make "idle conversation."

I discovered drugs and alcohol when I was 15 which changed everything. It felt like the door to my cage was thrown open and I could be who I wanted to be. Of course those things eventually led me into a new kind of prison, but that's a whole different story.

Now after lots of T and time with recovery groups, which I'm still making use of both, I'm able to be more open and less worried about what others think. If anybody does ask why I'm "different" I don't mind saying, "I had a rough childhood and I haven't fully recovered from it yet." I guess I'm probably more afraid of feeling that old shame of trying to keep my true self hidden, than what anybody else might think about me.

This got longer than I intended, but your statements stirred up a lot of feelings in me. Even if nobody else reads this it feels good to get it off my chest. Thanks for the post S&B. Good luck with T.

Luke

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SharpAndBlunt

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Re: Feeling it's not fair
« Reply #2 on: September 20, 2018, 10:09:57 PM »
Hi Luke,

The part about hiding your true self really rings true. I have been called 'Mr Invisible', other things like that. People in my foo throwing various insults. I am very slowly learning not to trust them for help. It's taken a very long (too long) time!

I often don't understand why people don't like it when I just try to blend in and not cause any fuss. I now realise they think I'm behaving strangely but for me it was just the way to feel safe.

So much behaviour is a complete mystery, until it's explained, don't you think? Then it's like a D'oh moment - now I understand why i was so annoying to those people. If only I'd known! Very frustrating.

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LilyITV

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Re: Feeling it's not fair
« Reply #3 on: October 04, 2018, 07:24:40 PM »
Yes, I just started therapy and one thing my therapist keeps drilling into me is that there is no correct response.  I also spend a lot of energy trying to figure out what the "correct" thing to say is and it's exhausting.  Apparently, people who don't suffer from social anxiety just say whatever feels right to them and don't have an IC telling them it was wrong or not good enough. 

The problem for me is I have been so focused on pleasing others, I am having a hard time figuring who I actually am and what it is I actually want.  My therapist has me doing a lot of work on mindfulness and focusing on my emotions.

For me, my father especially was very controlling and both parents were very self-conscious people.  Whenever we were out around other people, I was also lectured and criticized about things I did or didn't do, behaving in the wrong way, etc.  They were both people filled with shame and they passed that shame down to me. 

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SharpAndBlunt

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Re: Feeling it's not fair
« Reply #4 on: October 06, 2018, 07:01:26 AM »
Hi LilyITV,

My parents also carried a lot of shame and definitely passed that down to me. Very controlling as well. Always concerned (I would say obsessed) about what the right or wrong thing to do was.

It often felt very arbitrary to me. As if they had a whole set of rules they never told me about but expected me to comply with - and they were always very quick to show me when i broke one of their invisible rules.

Seeing it in this light I can see how that lack of a safe emotional 'landscape' (if you know what I mean) could give rise to the strong doubt and uncertainty I feel in social situations today.

The part you shared about people not worrying about the 'correct' response was very enlightning. Validating, in a way. Thank you.