Re: Blueberry's Next Steps: beneficial, constructive and mindful

Started by Blueberry, August 25, 2018, 03:20:30 AM

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Blueberry

I've done a Recovery Letter to SIL1 that reached some emotions, and one to B1 that didn't really. Maybe it's better not to feel the emotions? If I take a guess at what those emotions are, it's probably anger and hurt/sadness. Anger particularly about his treatment of me at Horrendous FOO Event no. 2 and anger about his role in FOO, his denial and how much that's playing into him accommodating SIL2 against me and anger at him not realising what patterns he is repeating. Patterns he is repeating in keeping children away from a relative who is not any more toxic than the rest, or maybe even less toxic (I do have cptsd but at least I'm working on myself and admit to it!!).

Wattlebird

Quote from: Blueberry on December 12, 2018, 11:20:07 PM
(I do have cptsd but at least I'm working on myself and admit to it!!).
Exactly, something that takes a lot of courage too

Blueberry

I came out of therapy feeling quite good today. Quite a number of things cleared up. But then I discovered that in my 3 hour absence my bike was stolen from the train station.  :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: I do have a spare one but I haven't ridden it for a while and it isn't geared up for winter at all.

Plans for tomorrow scuppered. Need to ride around town on the spare seeing if anybody has dumped it in the river or the bushes. People do that - grab a bike to get somewhere and then just dump it, or dump it when they discover it's not as good as they thought. I have some new parts on it but chain and all that kind of thing is in severe need of maintenance. Well, at least I hadn't got round to that yet. That money is still saved (not spent).


sanmagic7

well, that sucks, big time!  dang, so sorry to hear that.

that made a lot of sense to me, about blocking emotions includes blocking other things. 

good luck with your new doc.  i hope that all goes smoothly for you.

and best to you with those letters, any and all of them.  i agree, it's ok to change your mind.  backward, forward, or sideways.  we have to do what fits for us at the time, and that can always change due to any number of factors.

love and hugs, sweetie.

Blueberry

I hope so too 3R! I've never had a bike stolen so I guess I'm lucky that way. I've had one 'meddled with' and parts stolen, but the whole bike, no. It's my number one form of transportation.

I agree san, it sucks big time. When I wrote on here earlier, I thought to myself 'no name-calling'. This is simply a criminal, then i forgot to even write that. Mostly I'm thinking 'idiot' about the thief.

The one good thing about the affair is that it has galvanised me a bit out of my depression. This is something concrete to be getting on with  - looking about town for my bike. Concrete goal, ways of going about it simple: today on foot, tomorrow on spare bike go searching. I'm standing up for myself and not taking this lying down or going off hiding (in my bed). I went off to the police this afternoon lickety-split and with a purposeful air about me.

sanmagic7

 :thumbup:  and  :applause:

very impressive, sweetie.  well done.    :hug: :hug: :hug:

Sceal

I am very glad to hear that your therapy session were helpful to you! That you got to clear things up, and i hope it'll further your progess.

Sorry to hear about the bike, that stuff sucks major [insert any word you like]. I hope you do find it, and that it's not broken down or thrown in the river.

Blueberry

Back to listless depression today or regrouping and recouping in bed.

It's more than likely my bike won't turn up anywhere in my town whether in the bushes or the river. Whoever stole it had bike lock breaking equipment in his/her pocket, so not just grabbing a bike to ride from A to B but presumably to sell, or to sell parts of it. I might find the frame and chain / derailleur in the river I suppose with the other parts removed.

If sold, then out of town. My town is too small for you to want to sell the bike you stole here. You could do that in a big city but not here. Friends are telling me they would be really annoyed. I don't feel much. That's part of my thing, having parents telling me throughout childhood and later "when you do x, y will happen and you'll be sorry" in some ways I accepted the 'y' and didn't feel sorry. It was just the way it was. e.g. "if you eat too much, you'll get fat, and then it's a lot harder to get off than on". True, but I'm not sorry, it's just the way it is.

Hmm? So do I want to feel what's beneath? Not especially atm. I'm about to send some missives to FOO and it could be a good idea not to feel too much atm in order to manage these? Feeling panic or feeling other old, old emotions isn't especially helpful.

sanmagic7

well, if i may, i'll feel something for you -  :pissed:

we work so hard to have something that is a positive addition to our lives, and then somebody comes along and does something like this.  rats.  i hate it. 

love and hugs, sweetie.

Three Roses


Blueberry

Thank you both. That actually made a laugh escape my lips. A laugh of relief I guess. It's not an especially funny situation. Though it could be worse. A break-in would definitely be worse and undoubtedly re-traumatising.

I've just been writing Xmas cards including to some people I haven't written to since Horrendous FOO Event. Obviously some things are moving again internally. I only stopped when I started fiddling with my hair. After 6-7 cards with notes. That's pretty good for me :cheer:  Mostly the cards are to friends. Only one an extended FOO mbr.

Blueberry

I started to feel annoyance at least. I also realised I was minimising when I said it could have been worse.

Quite a few memories came up in the night, mostly small stuff like how M would treat me when I lost things: "It's your own stupid fault" etc or just haranguing like one winter when I arrived home minus a glove. I was actually a university student by then and bought my own clothes, not to mention I'd already suffered all the way home in the cold so didn't need any pointing out how less than ideal the situation was. But still harangue, harangue.

So we'll just say my ICr was rather active last night. But I pushed it away and/or told it to look at the reality. Reality: in my circle of friends and acquaintances not one person has an OCr telling me "that was stupid, you should have done this or that differently to prevent your bike being stolen." Not one. Nor am I telling myself that.

I do feel rather lonely atm but it is a difficult time of year. I feel as if I'm pushing friends and acquaintances away because contact is often strenuous for me. Then it's not surprising that I spend a lot of time on my own. Quite possibly it's a minor EF. My ICr was going on about "useless" me, so lonely without family etc so going up to the farm :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: :blahblahblah: but I know those are the words of B1 from long ago. They're not reality. It was also verbal or emotional abuse of me for being in the situation I was in due to him and my parents. If that makes sense. It does in my head.

Deep Blue

Sorry it's been awhile since I popped in blueberry.  Just wanted to send you some warm wishes  :hug:

Blueberry

Thank you Deep Blue  :hug:
_____________________

I was at the farm today, well I went up last night actually. Being there and doing the usual work I do helped me sort myself out a bit better. otoh I did notice that I'm not in the best state either.