Denial

Started by SharpAndBlunt, September 09, 2018, 12:39:13 PM

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SharpAndBlunt

I am so deep in denial.

This pain was too much for me 24 years ago. I can't face it again.

I hope the therapist can help me.

Keeping busy keeps it at bay. Music can help me see others ' pain. Drugs masked the pain but I am not going back there.

I am so far away from where I need to be.

Three Roses

I hear you. I got so good at hiding the truth from myself, lying to myself. I covered the truths one at a time, and that's how I'll dig them back up.

Go at your own pace and know we're here to listen, validate and empathize.

woodsgnome

I became a master of denial, so I know a bit of the territory, too well in fact. I've had many ways to hide in plain sight as an adult, especially when I comically fell into a never-anticipated mini-career as an actor (nothing like always being somebody else, eh?). On the other hand, my denial did in fact help me survive the first stages of life after emerging from the shock of my youthful whirlwind of abuse. I was at the point of wanting it all to end, but my denial instead slipped into these acting forays, which saved me from myself, as it were; for a while.

So it's kind of 2-way, this denial business. Sometimes it even turns out to have been useful. I think what happens in all of this is that we tend to find an off-kilter aspect of ourselves that we may not like, and run it right into the ground. And our entire being gets sucked into the depths.

I still do this, mind you, in case you're expecting some redemption story of how I found some ultimate healing formula. The only thing I've found that works is...stay with the learning, experience the grief, but notice there's breaks in the clouds, too.

:hug:

Luke57

Hi S & B,

I can understand right where you are, I think. I'm seeing a new T after a 15 year break from any therapy. On Thursday, we talked about my earliest memories of abuse. I didn't feel a lot of emotion at the time, but Sunday morning it all came gushing out. I was collapsed on the floor sobbing in great pain and thinking the exact thing you wrote in the 2nd line of your post, "I can't face it again." But I did make it thru and right now I feel cleansed and ready to face the next round of pain when it comes.

I'm glad to hear you say that you're not going back to drugs. I've been down that road several times before and although it may mask the pain for awhile, in the end it has always brought me greater pain and more problems to deal with.

I answered a question you posed several weeks ago about how your mother had abused you sexually and emotionally. That's the very thing I'm dealing with in these early memories. If that's what you're facing maybe we can help each other out on our healing journeys. I know I need all the help I can get.

Best wishes to you. I hope your T can help you find the light at the end of the tunnel.

Luke

SharpAndBlunt

#4
Hi,

Thanks to all.

Three Roses, going at my own pace is very important. 'Uncovering' my own truths. I like that image.

Woodsgnome, I think you're right about running things into the ground. I *definitely * do that. It's my hardest habit to break.

Luke57, yes I wrote that post and I have never said that before, to anyone. The therapist appointment is still 2 weeks ahead. I am desparate for it to arrive but scared in case it doesn't work out because I have not been able to discuss this before.
I am very open to helping each other but maybe I need to give it some time first, if that's OK? It's pretty raw for me and I'm scared I can't do anyone much good in this state. I really hope you are feeling well today.

Me I am back at work and feeling better than I was on Sunday. I have learned how to be patient through this experience which is one good thing I suppose.

SaB.



Luke57

Hi SaB,

You have all the time in the world. There's no rush to help me or anybody else. I'm a firm believer that the first priority for anyone is to get themselves on a good road to recovery and their own wounds starting to heal before they spend any of their much needed energy helping others.

Instead of asking that awkward question it would've been more diplomatic and truthful for me to say, "I totally relate to what you're going through and I'm on your side."

And by the way, you will be helping me by continuing to share your feelings, struggles and progress with us all. That's what this place is all about. That's how we help each other out. Keep up the good work. Hope your T is helpful for you.

Luke