How do I say this??

Started by Three Roses, September 12, 2018, 04:13:43 PM

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Three Roses

Speaking and writing are weak points with me. I've been told I'm abrasive and too direct, too outspoken. I've also been told I'm not communicative enough. Maybe it's time to realize that these judgments reveal more about the weaknesses in the listener than they do about my style of communication.

I'm learning how to say what I feel, how to be true to myself. At the age of 61, you can imagine the reactions I have been getting. I'm changing and people who've been acquainted with me don't understand it, while my closest friends are cheering me on. Bit confusing.

I've been NC with my sibling for 13 years. Because my cousins disregarded my request to not give him my phone number or anything, my sibling has now been in contact with me.

It was a shock that derailed my recovery for days and is still proving to be difficult to deal with.

After a tense and slightly heated first conversation, I reluctantly agreed to speak with him on the phone on a trial basis, knowing I have a tendency to make snap decisions based on my gut reaction which later prove to be not in my best interest.

But it's clear after last night's phone convo that this isn't going to work for me.

Now I just have to come up with the words to tell him. I do feel some compassion for him; M had a difficult pregnancy with him and he had some trouble being born. He's troubled and has had learning difficulties and difficulty regulating his emotions his whole life. How much of that is from his birth and how much from our sick family is anyone's guess.

But I also need to show compassion to my Little Me, who was the outlet for his rage and pain. I no longer need to play a delicate balance game, to help him, my F or my M to handle their feelings in an effort to remain safe physically and emotionally.

I can say what I want to say, I can show my feelings (HUGE lump in my gut just typing that), I don't have to apologize for how others feel. This is all just head knowledge though. My heart tells me different. Time to call up my Inner Angry Teen self to help me deal with this situation, and call him to say I want to go back to NC with him.

Now, I just need the words....

Sceal

Dear Three Roses,

I don't know what transpired between you and your sibling, but that doesn't matter. You did listen to him, and he's had the chance to speak his words. You don't owe him anything, he's lucky he got you to attempt to give him a trial, but it's not working out for you. And I think it is incredible smart to listen  to that part of you. I don't think you should worry too much if you're abrasive and too direct or outspoken when you're telling him this isn't working for you.
I'm cheering you on for listening to yourself and to do what is best for YOU.

I'm with you in thoughts.

Blueberry

Quote from: Three Roses on September 12, 2018, 04:13:43 PM
But I also need to show compassion to my Little Me, who was the outlet for his rage and pain. I no longer need to play a delicate balance game, to help him, my F or my M to handle their feelings in an effort to remain safe physically and emotionally.

I can say what I want to say, I can show my feelings (HUGE lump in my gut just typing that), I don't have to apologize for how others feel.

:yeahthat: Good realisations :applause: :applause: :applause:

Even if that's still head stuff, it will come through into your emotions and actions too, I think. It always does for me eventually anyway.

The words... "No" is a complete sentence. Even if somewhat abrupt. Standing with you. I'm so happy for you that your closest friends are cheering you on.  :hug:

Elphanigh

Thee roses, I don't have many words right now but know I am sitting with you through this.  :hug: Glad you are writing and sharing

woodsgnome

If no one else in the world knew your feelings on this, it still wouldn't matter--you do. And you know yourself well enough to know the direction your heart is telling you to take. Not your mind--your heart.

It may puzzle others, and it's easy to fall into a guilt trip that maybe it would be different now if...if and it goes from there. But that's not the heart message you seem to be receiving. And you also seem resolved in what is most important to you. Others might still not understand, but if only you do that's where the love is--by following its call you are honouring yourself, your 'Little Me' then, and now.

Easy? The words can be (or not), but it's your actions that seem to be called into play, for you, now. And actions are by no means easy. This isn't brash--you did talk and mull it over, and have bravely chosen to decide as you have. Again, even if no one else recognizes that, it's not like you're being at all selfish.

:hug:


Three Roses

Sceal, BB, Elph, WG - I am comforted more than I can say.  :grouphug:

It didn't go well. But, it's done, and now if he will honor my request, I can go back to working on my own recovery without worrying if he'll call again.

I appreciate this place, to be able to have an outlet and discuss these issues. Thanks for listening. ❤️👍

Elphanigh

I am glad it is done  :hug: Take a good chance to do lots of self care today. I will be on the porch with you if you want. I have a bit more ability to be proper company now.

Love you always, you did a courageous thing today. So glad you were true to what you needed in your recovery

Deep Blue

Three Roses,
I'm so glad you stood up for little you.  I hope are able to feel some calmness and even some pride with putting yourself first.  :hug:


Three Roses

I am fighting the urge to have him see my side. It's just not worth it. And it wouldn't change my mind anyway. But I would have liked for us to end our relationship on at least an understanding note.

I feel sad that I never had a real brother - like my friends talk about, who had their back, who they can laugh with.

woodsgnome

Three Roses wrote: "...I never had a real brother - like my friends talk about, who had their back, who they can laugh with."

Yes, too often that's the crux of these FOO issues, and then we're left with a thankless choice. The gap never seems to fill, either; yet you did what you felt called to do nonetheless. I've never figured out how to do this without pain, sadness, or self-doubt. Some or all of these will likely stick around, especially in the short term.

It seems unfair to always have to do these sorts of actions, but it's there, and we go forward as best we can. In comes the call to self-care--may you find and nourish all the self-care you know about, right now and also down the road. You deserve that care, that peace; and then some more, 'til self-care morphs into self-love as you followed your heart's call.   :hug:

Three Roses


Three Roses

I've been fighting a headache for days now. It's occurred to me this morning that maybe it has something to do with everything in the news recently.

When you grow up being devalued and demeaned by the very people who say they love you, it plays with your ability to keep yourself safe. Our very posture and body language give off signals that we don't know we are sending. We wind up repeating the patterns of abuse, perhaps in an attempt to make sense of our past or overcome it. I know several books talk about this phenomenon but due to my headache I can't remember which books or what it's called.

The first people who abused me were my entire nuclear family. M, F, sibling. But at school, I was also abused by 3 of my teachers, all female. (1st grade, 3rd grade, freshman in high school.) So in my young life there was no one I felt could be trusted to help keep me safe.

My fourth grade teacher was the first grown up I felt safe around. None of my teachers but her even made any pretense about liking me. I'm sure I was a headstrong, rambunctious, trouble maker.

I guess the thing my spirit has been screaming lately is, it's not just men who abuse. That anyone in authority is suspect and untrustworthy. They'll lull you into a false sense of security and hit you when and where you're least expecting it.

I'm glad I'm somewhat reclusive these days. I don't think I can be properly social.

Deep Blue

Three Roses,
What you said really hit home for me.  Abusers can be ANYONE in power regardless of gender. 

I've also had a headache everyday the last week but had chalked it up to the weather.  Reading your post made me realize it probably has more to do with the political situation as well.

I've found myself very triggered with the news lately. 

As a teacher, it hurts my heart to hear that educators were perpetrators against you.  I was the same.  They thought I was a loud, obnoxious kid with an attitude.  That's not who we were though.  We were trying to get help the only way we could.  We wore an angry mask to protect us from others.

Just want you to know I'm sitting with you on this.

Three Roses

Oh, Deep Blue, you brought tears to my eyes.  :hug:

Elphanigh

Three Roses,

Thank you for sharing so openly about this. I hope your headache passes (mine has turned into an ear infection...). I want to send you lots of love <3 and hugs  :hug: :hug:

Abusers can truly be anyone, I had all sorts and both genders etc. Anyone that has any power or claims to have any power can be an abuser. I am glad others realize this, but heart broken at the same time. You deserved to have kind teachers that were mentors and that could help you through the other abuse.. not what you got at all. Know I am sitting with you if that is okay.