New Member

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New Member
« on: September 13, 2018, 07:23:55 PM »
Hi There,

I developed CPTSD in childhood but didn't know about it until a few months ago. I started therapy for my severe anxiety back in November 2017 and it led to a pretty interesting journey. My therapists (I have a trauma specialist as well as a normal therapist) believe that my mother might have BPD and that my CPTSD stems from 29 years of continuous emotional abuse.

I've been struggling lately. I had a discussion with my trauma specialist on the phone this morning because of an incident that happened with my mother the other day. My mother essentially made up an entirely fictional situation and firmly believed that she was right. It was extremely disturbing. And even though she's done this in the past, it's only ever been about conversations and not about my actual actions. This time it was about a solid few minutes where she believed I had been physically DOING something.

I'm still struggling to come to terms with the fact that I've been abused my entire life. That my mother has been extremely emotionally abusive and manipulative. I feel like such a terrible person for even thinking it. But even thinking about interacting with her has me sweating and shaking. I don't go to family events any more because I know that she'll be there. My friends have all mentioned how they think what's going on with her is getting so much worse and how they've actually been able to see a shift in me whenever I talk about her.

I feel really lost. My entire existence has revolved around my mother's abuse. I was defined, up until now, by that abuse. What do I do? Who am I?

I know that it's a good thing that I'm starting to work through all of this. I know that I need to. And I honestly feel a lot better than I did before I started discovering all of this. But I still feel lost.

Even just thinking about hitting the post button on this has me panicking because the only people I've talked to about this are my therapists and my closest friend. And even then I haven't told my closest friend everything that's gone on in therapy.

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milk

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Re: New Member
« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2018, 08:06:04 PM »
I am so glad you posted this.   :thumbup:

You are trusting us, with your struggle :hug: — you are not alone. My family is especially ripe with BPD and NPD, including one of my parents. Its HARD when someone you love looks at you like a stranger and doesnt believe anything you say —-  crazy pain!!!, until it isn’t, acceptance wins.  I am so sorry you are going through this. In my FOO, I take a step back, still being myself but from a distance — thats how I work through the craziness (not expecting anyone to listen, till they do) yay for breakthroughs!

three roses wrote about calling out on unhealthy behavior —- you are doing it!

You wrote that you feel better. :) 

When I feel lost, I do what I know: go heavy with a self care routine and reachout to a trusted few (you are doing all of this - on your own terms YES!) its ok to feel lost, its a beginning.

Every time you push beyond your comfort zone may the growth achieved give you calm and strength to keep going
« Last Edit: November 05, 2018, 06:10:52 AM by milk »

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Three Roses

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Re: New Member
« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2018, 10:27:21 PM »
Welcome, glad you're here with us.  :wave:

Quote
I feel like such a terrible person for even thinking it.

You are not terrible for calling her out on her behavior, you're just sick of all the lies. As well you should be after this long. It's normal, her behavior isn't.