minor SA

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Blueberry

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minor SA
« on: September 13, 2018, 05:40:58 PM »
I was lying in bed reading a novella, set in 1830's rural Britain, but written recently. I couldn't keep going reading a children's book, but a much darker adult book, yes.

Maybe it was time for the realisations?? An uneducated but bright farm girl is sent to the manse in the village to help the sickly wife of the vicar. Eventually the vicar starts touching the girl's legs and putting an arm around her. She hates that but allows it to happen. It goes further....

Me too. I've been touched repeatedly over the years since I was about 18, often just a hand on my leg or an arm around me. I freeze and allow it to happen with excuses in my head like "the man just means it in a friendly way" or "it doesn't mean anything". In my case, I'm lucky, it never has gone any further. One time possibly because a young woman my age told me in no uncertain terms to be careful, to avoid a particular man, so I did. Yet I still allow it to happen. I still freeze and scrunch myself up in my clothes, but I don't say anything.

How did I get in this state? Partly it's that "rude" thing I grew up with. Saying "No" was rude, especially saying "No" to an older person. Partly it was probably the indifference at home. What I'm remembering particularly with this novella is: me needing to get a signature from a college professor and just the atmosphere in the room. I was across the table from him so he wasn't even touching me but he was enjoying his power over me, keeping me in there for about an hour. The status difference, power difference and the male exploiting that. When I mentioned it at home, that the prof had held me in there for an hour, enF jocularily remarked "What? He held you on his lap?" As if there's no other way to hold somebody in a room. I think M was in the background, she didn't say anything. I may have said "Noooo." to enF but I didn't try to explain. There wouldn't have been a point.

Affirmative action was new back then. F, M, B1 - they all raged against it. I was actually against it too, I believed a lot of what I heard from FOO all the time. I never would have even imagined getting help at college for myself, like going to the Women's Rights at Student Union. Idk if it was called Women's Rights, but there was certainly somewhere like that. Anyway, I'm sure I could have got the right to speak to another prof with the right to counsel students on the next courses to take. In this case instead I dropped out of the second subject I was majoring in and majored in only one. Because I couldn't deal with the atmosphere in the prof's room. Because I didn't know how to get help. Because "feminism" was a bad word at home (I still lived with FOO) and getting help as a female was wrong somehow.

Had I got in 'real trouble' like this poor unfortunate farm girl, FOO would have asked me how on earth I could have been so dumb as to get pregnant.

M, F, B1 they all claimed back then to be feminists, they probably still do claim that. They missed teaching me to protect and stand up for myself and not allow SA to happen. 
Should is
never good,
for me.

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Blueberry

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Re: minor SA
« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2018, 05:44:06 PM »
I notice now that just with my Subject title, I'm minimising it all. I guess I'm being mindful noticing.
Should is
never good,
for me.

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Three Roses

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Re: minor SA
« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2018, 07:08:35 PM »
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In this case instead I dropped out of the second subject I was majoring in and majored in only one. Because I couldn't deal with the atmosphere in the prof's room. Because I didn't know how to get help. Because "feminism" was a bad word at home (I still lived with FOO) and getting help as a female was wrong somehow.

No words, but I have a  :hug: for you if you want it.
Be willing to be a beginner every single morning. (Eckhart Tolle)

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Blueberry

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Re: minor SA
« Reply #3 on: September 14, 2018, 07:06:51 AM »
Thank you 3Roses.  :hug:
Should is
never good,
for me.

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sanmagic7

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Re: minor SA
« Reply #4 on: September 15, 2018, 05:16:25 AM »
i've been in those types of situations myself, one even with my mom.  fear of upsetting the apple cart, disturbing the power structure which would result in a possible detriment for me.  in the case of my mother, i let her do it cuz it seemed important for her, so i denied my own feelings about it.

i do believe, blueberry, that we were taught well and often how to not stand up for ourselves, not have boundaries, and allow 'minor' violations (to say nothing of major ones of all kinds of abuse) to go on, over and over.  i think it's a measure of the health we've recovered for ourselves to be able to see these things now in retrospect for what they were and are.

it's just all a shame we weren't taught what we needed to know, weren't believed and supported at the time.  the one good thing for all of us is that the fog is beginning to lift and we're able to see more clearly now.  right there with you, sweetie.   love and hugs all the way.
learn something from everything.

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Kizzie

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Re: minor SA
« Reply #5 on: September 15, 2018, 10:02:47 AM »
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They missed teaching me to protect and stand up for myself


And the "why" of this is so important as San touches on in her response.  Those who use their power in this way don't want us to be able to stand up for ourselves because of what's going on with them, what they need from us.  We are required to sacrifice ourselves for them.  (This came up in my EMDR session on Thurs - my parents taught me dire things would happen if I stood up for myself and they often did.) 

Great to see that you're figuring things out BB, it really is a measure of your progress imo  :applause:   
When it comes to trauma, time does NOT heal all wounds. It is deeply embodied in our mind, body & spirit & requires compassionate, knowledgeable treatment & self-care.

If we want more/better trauma informed treatment & services, we must advocate for ourselves when & where we can.

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Blueberry

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Re: minor SA
« Reply #6 on: September 15, 2018, 10:36:52 AM »
  Those who use their power in this way don't want us to be able to stand up for ourselves because of what's going on with them, what they need from us.  We are required to sacrifice ourselves for them.  (This came up in my EMDR session on Thurs - my parents taught me dire things would happen if I stood up for myself and they often did.) 

 :yeahthat: Thanks for finding words for me, Kizzie. It was especially B1 who taught me that in the past with physical abuse. Now almost all the adults in FOO are doing it since they just don't want me to individuate, become a real adult with ideas, wishes and the ability to articulate and even enforce these.

Sorry you have a past like that too Kizzie :hug: but it's great to hear how EMDR is moving you forwards :thumbup: :)

  Great to see that you're figuring things out BB, it really is a measure of your progress imo  :applause:

Thank you  :)
Should is
never good,
for me.

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Elphanigh

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Re: minor SA
« Reply #7 on: September 18, 2018, 09:56:58 AM »
Thank you for touching on this Blueberry. First this is such huge progress to be recognizing it, and even more to realize the title was minimizing so making an effort to watch this. I think we all minimize these things. Kizzie and San have such great words for the reasons why, so  :yeahthat:

Sending hugs if you want them  :hug:
Happiness turned to me and said - "It is time. It is time you forgive yourself for all of the things you did not become. It is time to exonerate yourself for all the people you couldn't save..Time to accept you don't have to be who you were a year ago. It is time to believe that you're worthy of me"